Going No Contact does not Make You the Narcissist

I’ll never forget the time when I finally meant business and blocked my Ex from being able to reach me by cell phone.  At first it felt empowering because it was the first in a series of steps to gain my freedom and power back.

But, after a few days, the debilitating guilt set in.

Wasn’t blocking him the same thing as when he gave me the Silent Treatment?  What if he’d finally seen the light and felt remorse for how he’d treated me?  Maybe he was trying frantically to get in touch with me to apologize, and here I was apathetically preventing him from offering his apology.

Didn’t all of these things make me just as heartless and cunning as when he’d ignored me?  What if the “hurt little boy” inside him was reaching out to be rescued?  After all, most of us are aware that ignoring another person can have lasting, detrimental effects on their mental well-being.

What I was doing seemed to portray the same lack of empathy as my Ex’s behaviors.  And, in keeping him blocked and unable to reach out to me, I was taking part in the same cruel tricks I’d wanted to avoid by blocking him in the first place!

And guess what?  It wasn’t long after having these thoughts that I unblocked him and opened the door to months of continued abuse.

The difference between the Silent Treatment and No Contact   

There is one word that sets the Silent Treatment apart from No Contact—intention.

There are very distinct, fundamental differences between the Silent Treatment and going No Contact.  One is used as a form of punishment and torture, while the other is a process of gaining freedom from abuse and manipulation.  Below, I dissect the differences between the two so you can punt your unwarranted guilt out the window and get on with the very important task of healing yourself and your life.

Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment has many different names including: ostracism, shunning, cold shoulder, and social rejection and/or isolation.

It has been used for centuries by organizations, cults, churches, and communities as an effective way to punish or wreak vengeance for a perceived wrong.  It was used by the ancient Greeks as a way of neutralizing someone thought to be a threat to the municipal or a potential ruler.

In the context of the corporate environment, it is strategically carried out by co-workers, supervisors, and managers alike and is considered a form of workplace bullying.  It’s often used to punish a whistleblower for exposing unethical behaviors.

In romantic (and familial) relationships, Narcissists use the silent treatment as an aggressive measure of control and punishment for something his or her partner did; a sadistic form of “time-out”, ostracizing the victim as motivation for them to “behave”.  It is the ultimate form of devaluation, causing its target to feel voiceless, alone, dismissed, negated as a person; invisible.

Every time the narcissist gives you the Silent Treatment, you are diminished in small increments.  Over time, your sense of self is eroded and your fear of abandonment gets worse.  If you weren’t aware of any abandonment wounds before meeting the narcissist, the insidious, yet progressive actions they carried out during the tearing down of your confidence brought any underlying abandonment wounds to the surface.

The intended result of the silent treatment is to put the narcissist in a position of power while conditioning its target (you) to keep silent and accept the unfair treatment doled out by the narcissist.  Its message is, “Compliance, or else”. This can last from a few days to several weeks with the Narcissist often leaving the communal home.

Takeaway:  The Silent Treatment is the narcissist’s favorite manipulative tool because it offers several advantages simultaneously, including 1) it conditions you to “shut up and take it”, 2) it frees them up for the important task of grooming other supply, and 3) it allows them to play the hurt victim.

No Contact

In contrast to the Silent Treatment, going No Contact is not intended to be a form of punishment.  Granted, some targets of narcissistic abuse may periodically block their toxic partners from being able to contact them, but this is often a vain attempt at teaching the narcissist a lesson.  Any of us who’ve blocked the narcissist (only to later unblock them) in hopes of their finally “getting it” can attest to the futility of such a tactic.

No Contact in its true form is a very specific system of self-protection.  Those who implement No Contact have realized that their abusive partner will not change and, therefore, neither will their partner’s abusive behaviors.  It is a very intentional approach for escaping abuse and ending the toxic effects of emotional and psychological manipulation.

However, the manipulative nature of narcissists, combined with their victim’s over-conscientious nature, results in the person who implements No Contact feeling like they’re a bad person.  They don’t want to make the narcissist mad or have him/her think they’re being punished.  By all accounts, going No Contact requires the abuse victim to behave in ways that are completely foreign to them.

And this is the very vulnerability that narcissists exploit, enabling them to push their target’s emotional buttons in order for the narcissist to get what they want from the situation.

Takeaway:  In spite of what the narcissist would have you believe, you haven’t violated their “intimate” relationship rules.  You haven’t triggered old wounds or behaved in unacceptable ways.  Even if you lashed out under the pressure of ongoing abuse, you wouldn’t have done so if not for their constantly pushing the envelope and trampling your boundaries.

The narcissist would like to give the impression that you expect too much from the relationship and/or that you make their life miserable with your “constant demands”, and so their reaction is to give you the Silent Treatment, while having you accept and take the blame for their having done so.

The Bottom Line

There is nothing wrong with your taking a stand to detach from a toxic relationship to take care of yourself and heal.  You don’t have to prove to your Ex that you’re a nice person by leaving the lines of communication open for them to attack at will, because that’s all they really want when they accuse you of being mean or—gasp—a narcissist!  In fact, if they do accuse you of being a narcissist because you want to establish a safe space to disengage and rebuild, they are simply projecting their bad traits onto you, as they’ve been doing all along.

Suffering from Narcissistic Abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Healing Community by clicking the link.

No Contact Coaching & Mentoring services are available.  Click on the link to learn more.

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2016

How to Squash Negative Thought Patterns

by Steve Pavlina

Suppose you have the bad habit of dwelling too much on the same negative thoughts.  And suppose there’s no outward physical manifestation associated to them.  It’s just negative thinking, like “I’m so depressed” or “I hate my job” or “I can’t do this” or “I hate being fat.”  How do you break a bad habit when it’s entirely in your mind?

There are actually quite a number of ways to decondition a negative thought pattern.  The basic idea is to replace the old pattern with a new one.  Mentally resisting the negative thought will usually backfire — you’ll simply reinforce it and make it even worse.  The more you fire those neurons in the same way, the stronger the pattern becomes.

Here’s a little method I use to break negative thought patterns.  It’s basically something I concocted from a combination of the swish pattern from NLP and a memory technique known as chaining.  I usually find the swish pattern alone to be weak and ineffective, but this method works very well for me.

Instead of trying to resist the negative thought pattern, you will redirect it.  Think of it like mental kung fu.  Take the energy of the negative thought and rechannel it into a positive thought.  With a little mental conditioning, whenever the negative thought occurs, your mind will automatically flow into the linked positive thought.  It’s similar to Pavlov’s dogs learning to salivate when the bell rang.

Here’s how it works:

Let’s assume your negative thought is a subvocalization, meaning that it’s like you hear a voice in your head that says something you want to change, like, “I’m an idiot.”  If the negative thought is visual (a mental image) or kinesthetic (a gut feeling), you can use a similar process.  In many cases the thought will manifest as a combination of all three (visual, auditory, and kinesthetic).

Step 1:  Turn the negative thought into a mental image.

Take that little voice, and turn it into a corresponding mental picture.  For example, if your thought is, “I’m an idiot,” imagine yourself wearing a dunce cap, dressed very foolishly, and jumping around like a dork.  See yourself surrounded by other people all pointing at you while you shout, “I’m an idiot.”  The more you exaggerate the scene, the better.  Imagine bright colors, lots of animation, rapid movement, and even sexual imagery if it helps you remember.  Rehearse this scene over and over in your mind until you reach the point where thinking the negative thought automatically brings up this goofy imagery.

If you have trouble visualizing, you can also do the above in an auditory fashion.  Translate the negative thought into a sound, such as a jingle that you sing.  Go through the same process with sound instead of imagery.  It works either way.  I happen to prefer the visual method though.

Step 2:  Select an empowering replacement thought.

Now decide what thought you’d like to have instead of the negative one.  So if you’ve been thinking, “I’m an idiot,” maybe you’d like to replace that with “I’m brilliant.”  Choose a thought that empowers you in a way that disrupts the disempowering effect of the original negative thought.

Step 3:  Turn the positive thought into a mental image.

Now go through the same process you used in Step 1 to create a new mental scene from the positive thought.  So with the example “I’m brilliant,” you might imagine yourself standing tall, posing like Superman with your hands on your hips.  Picture a giant light bulb appearing just above your head.  The bulb turns on so bright that it’s blinding, and you see yourself yelling, “I’m bbbbbrrrrilllllllliannnntttt!”  Again, keep rehearsing this scene until merely thinking the positive line automatically brings up the associated imagery.

Step 4:  Mentally chain the two images together.

Now take the images in Step 1 and Step 3, and mentally glue them together.  This trick is used in memory techniques like chaining or pegging.  You want to morph the first scene into the second scene.  The NLP swish pattern would have you do a straight cut from one scene to the next, but I recommend you animate the first scene into the second.  A cut is very weak glue and often won’t stick.  So instead pretend you’re the director of a movie.  You have the opening scene and the closing scene, and you have to fill in the middle.  But you only have a few seconds of film left, so you want to find a way to make the transition happen as quickly as possible.

For example, one of the hecklers in the first scene might throw a light bulb at the idiot version of you.  The idiot you catches the bulb and screws it into the top of his head, wincing at the pain.  The bulb then grows into a giant bulb and turns on so bright it blinds all the hecklers.  You rip off your dorky clothing to reveal a shining white robe beneath it.  You stand tall like Superman and yell confidently, “I’m bbbbbrrrrilllllllliannnntttt!”  The hecklers fall to their knees and begin worshipping you.  Again, the more exaggeration you use, the better.  Exaggeration makes it easier to remember the scene because our brains are designed to remember the unusual.

Once you have the whole scene worked out, mentally rehearse it for speed.  Replay the whole scene over and over until you can imagine it from beginning to end in under 2 seconds, ideally in under 1 second.  It should be lightning fast, much faster than you’d see in the real world.

Step 5:  Test.

Now you need to test your mental redirect to see if it works.  It’s a lot like an HTML redirect — when you input the old negative URL, your mind should automatically redirect you to the positive one.  Merely thinking the negative thought should rapidly bring up the positive thought.  If you’ve done this correctly, you won’t be able to help it.  The negative thought is the stimulus that causes your mind to run the whole pattern automatically.  So whenever you happen to think, “I’m an idiot,” even without being fully aware of it, you end up thinking, “I’m brilliant.”

If you’ve never done visualizations like this before, it may take you several minutes or longer to go through this whole process.  Speed comes with practice.  The whole thing can literally be done in seconds once you get used to it.  Don’t let the slowness of the first time through discourage you.  This is a learnable skill like any other, and it probably will feel a bit awkward the first time.

I recommend you experiment with different types of imagery.  You’ll likely find some variations more effective than others.  Pay particular attention to association vs. dissociation.  When you’re associated in a scene, you’re imagining seeing it through your own eyes (i.e. first-person perspective).  When you’re dissociated you’re imagining seeing yourself in the scene (i.e. third-person perspective).  I usually get the best results when I dissociate in both scenes.  Your results may vary.  You may have to do some mental camera work if you switch from dissociated to associated or vice versa, but it can be done with practice.

I did a lot of this type of mental conditioning during the early 90s.  Whenever I uncovered a negative thought, I plucked it out and redirected it.  Within a few days, I had reprogrammed dozens of negative thought patterns, and pretty soon it became hard for my mind to even produce a negative thought or emotion.  Everything kept getting redirected to the positive side.  I think that’s partly why I felt so confident about starting my own business right out of college — I used mental conditioning to redirect the thoughts of self-doubt to a more can-do mindset.  I also used this a lot while in college, and I’m sure it helped me graduate faster than normal.  I still had to deal with plenty of real-world challenges, but at least I wasn’t battling my own self-doubt at the same time.

This type of mental conditioning gave me a lot more conscious control over my internal states.  Today it’s so internalized that I just do it automatically without even thinking about it.  My subconscious took over at some point, so whenever I have a thought like “I can’t,” it automatically gets twisted into “How can I?”  That’s actually supposed to happen — with enough mental conditioning practice, your subconscious will take over.  Memory experts similarly report that with practice, techniques like pegging and chaining are taken over by the subconscious, just like riding a bicycle.

Give this process a try the next time you notice yourself dwelling on a negative thought.  I think you’ll find it very empowering.  And feel free to share it with others who could use a mental pick-me-up.

steve_pavlinaSteve Pavlina is widely recognized as one of the most successful personal development bloggers on the Internet, with his work attracting more than 100 million visits to his website, StevePavlina.com. He has written more than 1300 articles and recorded many audio programs on a broad range of self-help topics, including productivity, relationships, and spirituality. Steve has been quoted as an expert by the New York Times, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, the Los Angeles Daily News, Self Magazine, The Guardian, and countless other publications. He’s also a frequent guest on popular podcasts and radio shows.

The little-known reasons why you need to leave the narcissist ASAP!

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about–unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why–if you have children with a narcissistic partner–you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

By now, most of us know that repeated emotional trauma leads to both PTSD and C-PTSD, which should be reason enough to leave an abusive partner.  But, what many people don’t realize is that over time, these repeated emotional injuries shrink the hippocampus, which is responsible for memory and learning, while enlarging the amygdala, which houses primitive emotions such as fear, grief, guilt, envy, and shame.

Hippocampus basics

The hippocampus, which is Greek for “seahorse,” is a paired structure tucked inside each temporal lobe and shaped, in fact, like a pair of seahorses. It helps to store and release memory. The hippocampus is especially vital to short-term memory, the retaining in mind of a piece of data for a few moments, after which it either gets transferred to permanent memory or is immediately forgotten. Learning depends on short-term memory.[1]

Further, among the many analyses that have been conducted, one in particular shows very disturbing results.  In a study conducted by a team of University of New Orleans and Stanford University researchers, patients with the highest baseline cortisol (a stress hormone) and greater number of PTSD symptoms had the greatest decreases in hippocampal volume over time.[2]

In other words, the longer you stay with an emotionally abusive partner, the more deterioration you can expect of your hippocampus. It can be easily understood how this neurological process may enhance feelings of confusion, cognitive dissonance, and abuse amnesia in victims of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse.

Amygdala basics

Narcissists keep their victims in a constant state of anxiety and fear, which in turn causes their victims to react from his or her amygdala (or “reptilian” brain).  The amygdala controls life functions such as breathing and heart rate and the basic emotions of love, hate, fear, and lust (all of which are considered “primal emotions”).

It’s also responsible for the fight or flight reaction.  Victims of narcissistic abuse live in this state almost daily.  Over time, the amygdalae remember the things we felt, saw, and heard each time we had a painful experience.   Subliminal hints of such stressful events (even photos) will set off the organ’s attack or escape routines–triggering avoiding behaviors or internal turmoil[3] (another good reason to refrain from stalking your ex on social media).

Even after the toxic relationship has ended, victims suffer PTSD, C-PTSD, panic attacks, phobias, and more… due to the triggering of their primal fears by their overactive amygdalae.  Out of these fears, targets of narcissistic abuse often engage in primitive defense mechanisms including (but not limited to):

  • Denial – Victims use denial to escape dealing with painful feelings or areas of their life they don’t want to admit.
  • Compartmentalization – Victims pigeonhole the abusive aspects of the relationship in order to focus on the positive aspects.
  • Projection – Victims project their traits of compassion, empathy, caring, and understanding onto their abuser, when in fact, narcissists and other emotional abusers possess none of those traits.

Narcissistic abuse changes your brain

According to Goleman (2006), everything we learn, everything we read, everything we do, everything we understand, and everything we experience count on the hippocampus to function correctly. “The continual retention of memories demands a large amount of neuronal activity.

In fact, the brain’s production of new neurons and laying down connections to others takes place in the hippocampus” (Goleman, 2006, p. 273). Goleman also stated, “The hippocampus is especially vulnerable to ongoing emotional distress, because of the damaging effects of cortisol” (p. 273). When the body endures ongoing stress, cortisol affects the rate at which neurons are either added or subtracted from the hippocampus. This can have grave results on learning. When the neurons are attacked by cortisol, the hippocampus loses neurons and is reduced in size. In fact, duration of stress is almost as destructive as extreme stress. Goleman explained, “Cortisol stimulates the amygdala while it impairs the hippocampus, forcing our attention onto the emotions we feel, while restricting our ability to take in new information” (pp. 273-274).  Goleman adds,

The neural highway for dysphoria[4] runs from the amygdala to the right side of the prefrontal cortex. As this circuitry activates, our thoughts fixate on what has triggered the distress. And as we become preoccupied, say, with worry or resentment, our mental agility sputters. Likewise, when we are sad activity levels in the prefrontal cortex drop and we generate fewer thoughts. Extremes of anxiety and anger on the one hand and sadness on the other push brain activity beyond its zones of effectiveness. (p. 268)[5]

But, there is hope.  There are reparative activities you can do to restore and rebuild your hippocampus and stop the hijacking of your psyche by your amygdala.

What to do

Luckily, as brain scans have now shown (thanks to the magic of neuroplasticity), it is possible for the hippocampus to regrow.  An effective method includes the use of EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  One recent study showed that 8 to 12 sessions of EMDR for patients with PTSD showed an average of a 6% increase in the volume of their hippocampi.[6]

EMDR is also beneficial for counteracting the hyperarousal of the amygdala, allowing the brain to more appropriately direct what needs to happen rather than remain stuck and unnecessarily trigger problematic emotions.

Other methods that have been shown to repair both the hippocampus and amygdala include:

  • Guided meditationRecent studies from Harvard University show that daily meditation can help repair the brain by actually rebuilding the brain’s gray matter. Study participants who spent an average of 27 minutes per day practicing “mindfulness” exercises showed a major increase in the density of the hippocampus and amygdala and associated reductions in stress, compared to a control group.
  • Aromatherapy and essential oils –Article:  AROMATHERAPY AND MEDITATION: ESSENTIAL STEPS IN RECOVERING FROM NARCISSISTIC ABUSE
  • Performing acts of kindness – simple, daily practice of altruism can dramatically alter your outlook on the world.
  • EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) – helps correct the biochemical short-circuiting that occurs with chronic anxiety.

Of course, the first course of action would be to plan and implement an exit strategy.  It takes time to recover from narcissistic abuse and one short encounter can set you back enormously.

How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! Bestseller in three categories on Amazon!

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[1] Goleman, D. (1995, July 31). Severe Trauma May Damage The Brain as Well as the Psyche. Retrieved January 17, 2016, from http://www.nytimes.com/1995/08/01/science/severe-trauma-may-damage-the-brain-as-well-as-the-psyche.html?pagewanted=all

[2] Stressing the Hippocampus: Why It Matters. (n.d.). Retrieved January 12, 2016, from http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/news-blog/stressing-the-hippocampus-why-it-ma/

[3] Thomas, E. (n.d.). The Amygdala & Emotions. Retrieved January 17, 2016, from http://www.effective-mind-control.com/amygdala.html

[4] Dysphoria. (2015, November 29). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 20:36, January 17, 2016, fromhttps://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Dysphoria&oldid=692983709

[5] Effects of Stress on the Hippocampus. (2013, March 19). Retrieved January 17, 2016, from http://drgailgross.com/academia/effects-of-stress-on-the-hippocampus/

[6] Shapiro, F. (2012). Getting past your past: Take control of your life with self-help techniques from EMDR therapy. Emmaus, Pa.: Rodale Books.

How to Hand Over a Colossal Fortune to the Narcissist

If you’ve tried going No Contact or have undergone numerous cycles of being discarded by your toxic partner, then you’ve likely experienced this scenario:

You’ve made it through four days of No Contact and are feeling pretty good about yourself and the future.  For that reason, you’ve planned an outing with a friend with whom you’ve rekindled your relationship after a long stint of isolation forced upon you by the narcissist. 

You’re picking out your outfit when your cell phone vibrates.  You look at the incoming message.  It’s from the Narc.

Our anniversary (of your wedding/first date/first intimacy/etc.) is next week.  I’m planning something special for us :)

You feel slightly nauseated as you realize the Narc isn’t giving up so easily.  You decide to ignore the text and continue getting ready for the evening. 

Later at dinner, you’re laughing it up and talking about old times with your long-lost pal when you detect another buzz from your cell phone.  Against your better judgement, you look at it.

What size is your ring finger? 

That’s funny, the last time you and the Narc had spoken about marriage, they told you – for your own good, of course – how you weren’t good marriage material…or even good relationship material, for that matter. Believing you’re still holding strong, you put your phone away–but you can’t seem to stop thinking about wedding invitations and a trip to St. Martin for your honeymoon–all while your friend talks about how great their New York cheesecake is.

At bedtime, you switch on your favorite comedy show, trying to forget the recurring thoughts of how you’re not getting any younger and marriage is beginning to seem like a distant pipe dream.  Your phone vibrates as if on cue:

I guess we aren’t really meant for each other after all.  Thank you for showing me the truth.  It’s probably best if I check to see if my Ex is up for accepting this ring and these plane tickets.  

Their Ex???  The one they’ve been cheating on you with for the past six months???  How dare they?  You pick up your phone in a rage and tap out a scathing reply, barely able to say enough bad things to your Ex about what a jerk they are.

JACKPOT!!

The Narc pulled the lever and got a reward.

Bear in mind, narcissists don’t care if your interactions with them are civil or not…good or bad, they just want a reaction from you. This shows them that they are still in your mind and it’s only a matter of time before you respond to their text hoovering.  What’s more, texting is the simplest and quickest way for them to continue wheedling themselves into every crevice of your psyche.

Read:  How Answering a Simple Text Message Can Ruin Your Life

Let’s not forget why you implemented No Contact to begin with. They were CHEATING on you.  They were abusing you; killing your spirit more each day.  Don’t let your feelings of abandonment and betrayal cloud your judgement – which is easy to do and also why blocking the Narcissist by any means is crucial when you want to sever the relationship.

Change your phone number and email address if need be.  Do WHATEVER it takes because any sliver of contact is all the Narcissist needs in order to know they can get you back under their control and manipulative, abusive regime.

What to do:

Find a way to completely block the Narc – whether you do it alone, or with the help of a trusted friend.  You may even be able to block them through your service provider.  If so, let someone else be in charge of the password.

Don’t spend too much time researching all the hundreds of behaviors and sub-categories of your toxic Ex’s disorder.  Instead, research transformational healing methods and begin experimenting with them.

Read:  Empowerment and Healing Resources

(If you believe you may be depressed and/or experiencing symptoms of PTSD, seek the services of a licensed therapist.)

Lastly, if you share custody with the Narcissist, you can implement a strict form of modified contact. In most states, you only have to have one way for the other parent to contact you regarding children that you share.  Insist on email communications and end the ‘He Said/She Said’ with a supervised email system, such as Our Family Wizard.

Don’t hand over a colossal fortune to the narcissist.  Keep those lines of communication blocked.

Copyright 2015 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed

If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started. And when I started I was desperately wishing to be where I am now.” – Unknown

 

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If you’re tired of the mind games and being made to feel unworthy, contact me about No Contact and New Life Coaching.

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

 

LMR Q&A Tuesday: Why won’t the Narcissist make up his mind?

Dear Kim,

My Ex and I have been divorced for two years. I live in the house we used to share, with our children, and he moved out after the divorce and in with his new woman. However, he still comes over whenever he wants (he still has a key to the house), eats dinner with us occasionally, and we still do “housework” together from time to time.

He still treats me the same as he did when we were together. Saying he’s coming over and then doesn’t show. Giving me the Silent Treatment when I tell him his actions are rather despicable in the big scheme of things.

I’ve asked him why he still comes to see me when he has a new partner, but his typical response is that he is in love with both of us and can’t make up his mind. He’s been seeing this woman since before the divorce and as far as I know, she doesn’t realize what’s really going on when he comes over. My guess is she probably thinks he’s visiting with the kids.

I have been letting him come over because the kids enjoy his company and also because I still have feelings for him.

Why can’t my narcissistic Ex make up his mind?

Signed,
Hanging On

Dear Hanging On,

There’s really no easy way to say this, but it’s not that your Ex can’t make up his mind. He just wants you to continue believing that so he can continue having the “best of both worlds”, at least as it pertains to him. He’s taking advantage of your inclination to give him the benefit of the doubt while having you believe he still loves and cares about you.

This Narcissistic, self-serving behavior is actually more common than people might think or at least want to admit to. If he can persist in persuading you that he is a noble man at his core who is simply torn between two lovers, he can continue taking full advantage of both you and the situation.

It goes something like this: You tell him you don’t like being second best and he dramatically pretends to be torn and remorseful (shifting the attention back to him). Because of his obvious turmoil, you forget about his cheating and lies as your compassion kicks into high gear due to the obvious heart-wrenching battle he is going through. You agree to give him more time to figure things out.

In truth, his sense of entitlement won’t lead him to “figure things out”. He’ll instantly toss your wish that he make up his mind already and the whole episode will be forgotten within seconds because he’s gotten you back on board.

It’s every cheater’s dream.

I’m going to give you the dirty low-down here. As long as he is able to maintain this swindler’s yumminess, he is never going to change or choose.

You have two options here: accept the situation as it is and that he won’t change or throw him to the curb while setting a better example of love and marriage for your children and open your future up to the possibility of real and genuine love that doesn’t involve cheating and infidelity.

I know you have a shared history and all and you may believe you’re maintaining some sense of stability for your children, but they know their daddy has moved in with another woman, and in spite of your very best efforts to go stealth when doing “housework” with your Ex, your kids either already know what’s up or they will figure it out. Then what? They’ll grow up thinking it’s okay to cheat. It’s okay to keep a family on the back burner and throw out crumbs from time-to-time.

In turn, they will grow up not having a clear idea of what’s right and wrong as it pertains to romantic relationships and either not take them seriously and/or grow up tolerating a future partner cheating on them because that’s what dad did to mom (or vice-versa).

Not only that, your Ex will string you along for years never giving you the chance to build a new life or create an opening for another man to love you because, let’s face it, he still wants to control you even though he chose to move out and start a new life with someone else.

I would highly suggest changing the locks on your doors and starting a visitation schedule for him to visit your children—outside your home. He will no doubt be angry with this new boundary and will probably give you the silent treatment for a while, but it has to be done or you will be stuck in this La La Land limbo indefinitely.

Copyright © 2016 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! Bestseller in three categories on Amazon–with a special section on Modified Contact!

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Did you find out your partner cheated (or that they never stopped)?

Did you wake up this morning, still reeling from the traumatic discovery of your partner’s cheating?

Perhaps you learned they went on a little tryst over the Christmas holiday and now you’re sick with fear that they will pull the same trickery on New Year’s Eve.

Or, maybe you recently busted them for cheating and they promised to stop–but then you found another email or text from the affair partner, and your cheating cheater was so enraged that they used a fear or weakness of yours as justification for their philandering.

Let’s not forget the all-time classic, “You kept accusing me of cheating, so I went ahead and did it!”  Seriously?  Of course one would be suspicious if their partner lied and hid his or her questionable activities under a perpetual cloak of secrecy.  (Oh, and they went ahead and did it, alright, and have been doing it all along).

You may find this hard to believe, but your partner’s cheating ways have nothing to do with you.  I’d bet, though, that you’ve been hearing all the reasons why their cheating is your fault–ludicrous excuses that hit straight at the heart.

Below, I expose the real reasons why the narcissist cheats, as well as why they will never stop.

The REAL Deal

Narcissists will never accept accountability for their actions.  Every negative thing they do will be inevitably traced back to some supposed flaw in YOU.  This isn’t accidental, nor is it due to fictional FOO wounds that gave them fear of intimacy issues.

(So, in spite of what they may tell you, you can’t love them out of their disorder, much less their cheating.)

They need to make you believe that their cheating is your fault because he or she is laying down the groundwork for when the relationship ends.  While you are left reeling in the painful aftermath of the breakup, they will be onto the next victim as if they’ve found the love of their life–and guess what, the new partner isn’t really all that new.

It’s the ole, “See, it was her, not me!  I’ve found this wonderful new partner who is the answer to my prayers.  My Ex was just a crazy, insecure psycho.  Can you blame me for leaving her?”  (Or, insert the pronoun “she” if you’re the victim of a female narc).

Perhaps you recently broke up and now your Narcissistic Ex is flaunting their new partner around town (and around family) while playing the part of Ward Cleaver, complete with festive holiday Facebook photos.

It’s all an illusion—as well as a strategic move to make you look like a damaged emotional leper who will never be a good partner for anyone.

In their mind, all relationships eventually come to an end.  It truly is unavoidable for them because they can only keep up the charade for so long before the cracks start showing and their partners catch onto them.  This is when they begin devaluing their current partner and start searching for their next supply.

The ironic part is that while they are love-bombing the new victim, the Narcissist generally keeps tabs on old supply sources from time-to-time, which is why they never seem to go away–even though they may have been the one to end your relationship.  (They’ve been known to show up after five or ten years!)

But don’t be fooled.  Many of them can keep up appearances for decades, all while they’re out playing the field and cheating on the new spouse, fiancé, or partner.

The reason they have such a perverse dedication to making the breakup seem your fault is so they can pretend to be insanely happy with the new person, therefore  making you believe it was something you did or didn’t do that caused your relationship to crumble.

Faulty Moral Decision Making

Ever feel like you’ve been beating your head against the wall trying to “teach” your partner the basics of being good and decent, or worse, how to be an adult?

There’s a reason for that, too.  While they may be successful at their jobs and have all the people in town fooled, Narcissists are stuck in a state of arrested development.  This explains the constant lying and conning, not to mention their thrill-seeking through numerous sexual conquests, putting you at risk of contracting STDs!

Narcissists never developed the ability to form a healthy attachment or bond with anyone.  This partly explains their constant cheating, but another reason they cheat so much is because it’s a form of entertainment for them, and is also why many of them are sexually deviant.  They need constant excitement to fill their black hole of emptiness.  It also gives them a sense of power when they successfully conquer those whom they have been in pursuit of–which may consist of both genders!

What to Do

It’s extremely difficult to watch the person you’ve shared your life with triangulating and flaunting new partners under your nose.

The bad news is that there’s really nothing you can do to make it stop.  They may go about pretending that they want a fresh start, but it’s only another charade.  You can go to counseling with them, lose weight, gain weight, change your hair or wardrobe-and even learn fifteen languages-but it won’t save the relationship.  It would only be a matter of time before you again found evidence of their infidelities.

You did not cause your partner’s choice to be unfaithful and you can’t stop it by changing anything about yourself.

The good news is that if you start planning now to leave your lying liar of a partner, you can be living a better life in as little as six months.  That doesn’t mean there won’t be challenges ahead, but once you’re out of the toxic environment of narcissistic abuse, you can begin to rebuild your self-esteem, regain your passion for life, and make 2016 your best year yet!

Copyright 2015 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed

If you’re tired of the mind games and being made to feel unworthy, contact me about No Contact and New Life Coaching.

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

**Please note — these behaviors are more typical of overt narcissists.  Cerebral types generally do not try to maintain the relationship.

Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It’s not just the Silent Treatment!)

The early days with a Narcissist can seem like the most exhilarating time of one’s life.  These individuals can be very charming, flattering, and come across as soul-mate material.  Love letters, poems, candle-lit dinners, dreamy getaways, and insane chemistry can leave even the most composed person weak in the knees and dreaming of a fantastical future.

Everything seems like a fairy tale, when—poof!–the narcissist vanishes.  This disappearing act can last anywhere from a few hours, a few days, to a few weeks or more.  In the beginning of the relationship, these disappearances might come after a lover’s quarrel, but in other cases they happen for no apparent reason.  When questioned, the Narcissist may chalk it up to their phone being out of service or an emergency that had to be tended to.

Over time, the Narcissist disappears more and more, blaming you and your “intolerable insecurities, dreadful attitude, and lack of appreciation for them and the relationship”.  It becomes increasingly clear that the disappearing acts (a.k.a. Silent Treatments) are designed to punish you.

When you mention your desire that the two of you solve your problems in a more civilized manner, you’re pulled into unending circular conversations in which the Narcissist plays the victim and has you apologizing even when you’ve done no wrong!  Unbeknownst to you, these fights are often fabricated so the Narcissist can subsequently implement the Silent Treatment.

You come to accept these frequent silences as a “normal” part of the relationship–though they set you into panic mode whenever they occur.  Sometimes you resolve to give the Narcissist a taste of his own medicine—ignoring his text and email tsunamis when he tries to come back around–while other times you feel you might die if you don’t hear from him.

While all of this chaos is happening, you are so busy wondering why the Narcissist is always unhappy that you may be missing a very important part of the big picture — a picture that includes a lot more than your crazy relationship dynamics.

Silent Treatments and Secret Agendas

You see, while you believe you’re in love and trying to work it out, tolerating the narcissist’s moodiness and his “need to be alone”, he is generally in one stage or another of a relationship with other people.  You may not even be aware of these other individuals since Narcissists are adept at hiding their double lives, sometimes for decades.

A few indicators that these clandestine affairs are taking place include your partner putting his cell phone on lockdown, his getting mysterious texts and emails at all hours of the day and night, or his spending time with you 24/7 for several days and then vanishing for indeterminate periods of time.  Additionally, he may refuse to update his Facebook status to “in a relationship” and forbid you from posting any pictures, or only doing these things begrudgingly if you threaten to leave.

Another warning that your partner has another life (or lives) going on behind your back is his bringing up an Ex who is obsessed with him and/or how they broke up right before you met and this Ex doesn’t want to let him go.  He may go as far as to say she’s depressed or suicidal and he has to let her down gently.  He just needs more time and he can finally get rid of her.

What’s really going on is that the Narcissist won’t let her go completely.

Even if the Narcissist was the one to end the relationship, he will keep most, preferably all, of his Exes in the queue.  Even more disturbing is that those “glorious” times when he spends ten-day stretches with you is the time he is giving the silent treatment to his Ex; and when he subsequently disappears from your life, he’s gone to hoover her.

The Narcissist could well be dubbed The Constant Gardner because he is perpetually trolling for new targets, even though he always has a main source of supply.  Furthermore, he is continuously ending relationships for various reasons, especially with those who require a lot of “maintenance” (i.e. normal human interactions) or have stopped giving him money or sex.

However, Narcissists typically don’t let go of their Exes completely.  They’ve been known to contact old flames out of the blue, sometimes as long as ten years post-breakup!

If your partner is playing these juvenile love games (e.g. disappearing, hiding his cell phone, accusing you of being overly jealous, ad vomitum), then there is a very good chance that he is tending his Garden of Supply.  But, you can turn the situation around by pulling the weed that is your narcissistic partner and planting your own seeds of hope for a better future.

Copyright 2016 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed

Pull the narcissistic weed from your life by going No Contact Like a Boss!

Join the Let Me Reach Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Project.  Click here to donate now!  Your donation will keep the LMR headquarters running smoothly while Kim implements rocking changes for the narcissistic abuse community for 2016!  Details are located on the campaign page.

 

**Please note:  No gender bias was intended in the creation of this article.  The pronoun “he” was used for the ease of reading.

Til the Bitter End – A Sociopath’s 11th Hour Confessions

For those of you who are riding the fence about whether to forgive your partner–yet again–for the lies and deception, please read the following real-life account from a LMR Facebook warrior who couldn’t deny her pain any longer…

~Written by The Dancing Gazelle

Today is the anniversary of his death, and the anniversary of the second worst year of my life. It took 10 excruciating months for my then beloved husband of 18 years to die from cancer, as I struggled alone to take care of him and work every day.

Six months after the diagnosis, he decided to confess–over a period of two months with daily changing stories–that he had cheated on me for the entire marriage, mostly with men. He had accomplished this on our one opposite day off. He had spent every evening at home with me and showered me every day with verbal “I love yous.” He told me often that I was the most wonderful person he’d ever met.

I realized, with horror, that he was “confessing” only out of his terror of possible divine retribution in the afterlife, because he showed no empathy, compassion or guilt for my unbearable emotional anguish. I also realized that I had been living for 18 years with a sociopath.

He was just a wonderful picture that he had painted of himself. He told me that he had realized as a child that other people experienced empathy, something he did not personally understand. He learned to mimic it very well, however. He looked at me, desperately, and said, “I want to be like you.” I think he meant that he wanted to be human.

I finally decided I would have to put my feelings aside, care for him until he died, and then put myself back together after he was gone. He died three months later, adored by his friends who had also bought his charming personality and larger than life embellished stories of himself, a number of which were not embellishments at all but outright lies. (“I always had a problem with lying,” he said.) I had known all along that he had a propensity for bragging and lying, which he always denied, of course, but I thought he was just a flawed human being, as most of us are. I had blinded myself to the enormity of his dishonesty.

Thirteen years earlier I had gone to a marriage counselor, using words such as gaslighting, dishonesty and covert aggression, and my suspicions of his occasional adultery. The counselor also talked to him alone. The counselor then told me to “take everything at face value,” and told me that I could either stay or go, but if I stayed, I would need to accept him as he was.

“What he learned in childhood,” the counselor said, “was to never tell the truth.” The counselor then suggested that he only counsel me. I believe now that he “made” him as a sociopath, but for whatever reason, decided to keep it to himself. I wish now that the counselor would have screamed that information at me.

Since he and I got along harmoniously as long as I never confronted him with his dishonesty, and because I could not muster the energy and the financial resources to completely disrupt my life by starting completely over, I took the counselor’s advice. Once or twice a year, I knocked on the brick wall and fought with him, realized I was wasting my time trying to confront a pathological liar, and settled back into thinking positive thoughts. I learned how to be happy in the Land of Denial.

After he died, I had to confront what he was and also weather my incredible rage at myself for flushing almost 19 years down a toilet. The more reading I did, the more I realized that his behaviors were textbook Cluster B behaviors. If only I’d found that information years ago instead of my “counselor.”

I discovered he was still lying when he died, and that he’d been lying to and conning everybody within close proximity most of his life. I couldn’t have a memorial service for him because it would have been nothing but mythology.

After some months and much searching for comprehensible help, dear Kim, I found your book and your blog. I took your advice, and applied “No Contact” to all the Kool Aid drinkers still lionizing him posthumously. That was the beginning of my true recovery, which I struggled with sometimes moment by moment as I rode the waves of self-recrimination, anger at him and myself, and grieving the loss of so many years of my life. “I cannot thank you enough. And I urge others who are involved with this type of person to walk away, no matter what else you might lose, as quickly as possible.

They will not change. They will suck you dry of your very soul. You can get another job, or another house. You can get new friends. Your true friends have probably seen him (or her) all along for what he is. You cannot get your years back. Count your losses and move on with whatever life you have left. Start to believe in yourself and learn the meaning of true freedom.

Healing from narcissistic abuse?  Join the Let Me Reach Facebook Community!

Join the Let Me Reach Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Project.  Click here to donate now!  Your donation will keep the LMR headquarters running smoothly while Kim implements rocking changes for the narcissistic abuse community for 2016!  Details are located on the campaign page.

The Self-Sabotaging Version of the Gray Rock Method

Breaking No Contact
The Self-Sabotaging Version of Gray Rock

 

If you’ve been reading about Narcissism, whether in regards to a romantic partner or business colleague, you’ve no doubt come across the term “Gray Rock Method”.

According to a contributor named Skylar on lovefraud.com[1],

“The Gray Rock Method is primarily a way of encouraging a narcissist, psychopath, stalker or other emotionally unbalanced person, to lose interest in you.  It differs from No Contact in that you don’t blatantly try to avoid contact with the disordered individual.  Instead, you allow contact but only give boring, monotonous responses so that the mentally-unwell person must go elsewhere to get their need for drama gratified.

One might say that Gray Rock is a way of breaking up with a psychopath by using the old, “It’s not you, it’s me.” excuse, except that you act it out instead of saying it and the psychopath comes to that conclusion on his own.”

It’s important to emphasize again that you should never explain to a narcissist or psychopath that you are implementing the Gray Rock Method because they will only use that information to continue manipulating and dominating you— hence why Skylar mentions that you should “act it out”.

“You don’t just practice Gray Rock, you BECOME a Gray Rock. There are gray rocks and pebbles everywhere you go, but you never notice them. None of them attract your attention. You don’t remember any specific rock you saw today because they blend with the scenery. That is the type of boring that you want to channel when you are dealing with a psychopath. Your boring persona will camouflage you and the psychopath won’t even notice you were there.  This method strikes at the heart of the psychopath’s motivation:  to avoid boredom.”

The Gray Rock Method has been used successfully in many cases of workplace narcissism and co-parenting with the disordered.  However, these are two of the rare occasions when Gray Rock should be used.  It should not be used in cases where shared custody is not an issue or the disordered partner doesn’t work with the victim, yet I see this happen periodically with clients and repeatedly on recovery forums.  Below, I explain the basics of Gray Rock and how it is often used as a shoo-in for No Response.

Misapplications of Gray Rock and the Narcissistic Vortex

Implemented in its true form, Gray Rock enables you to communicate with the Narcissist without being sucked into the Narcissistic Vortex.  In cases of shared custody, it allows you to make rational decisions about whether or not the narcissist’s emails or voice mails truly need a response or if their communications are a trap.  A good rule of thumb is to only communicate using yes, no, and specific dates and times.

If necessary, insist on using a monitored email system, such as Our Family Wizard, which is a wonderful co-parenting platform that allows you to communicate about your children without being harassed by your disordered Ex.  Includes email, expense logs, and an electronic journal so you can keep detailed documentation of missed visitations and other things which may prove advantageous in the event you have to go to court.

You can further avoid falling into the Narcissistic Vortex by not responding to any jabs that are made regarding your parenting style or lifestyle choices.  A good example of the Vortex is their mentioning something about your dealings with the children or the fact that you’ve begun dating again, and your subsequently sending them email tsunamis explaining your actions or becoming ensued in a long texting crusade–and before you know it, hours of your day have been wasted.

The self-sabotaging version of Gray Rock

Frequently, abuse victims consider themselves as having employed the Gray Rock method when really they’ve gone No Response, neither of which should be utilized except for the two situations previously mentioned (which is when Modified or Low Contact is required).  Often, this is a self-sabotaging behavior that victims use in order to leave the door open for the narcissist, hoping there might be that one time the narcissist has The Divine Epiphany and makes lasting improvements as a partner.

Subconsciously or deliberately, Gray Rock is regularly used as a shoo-in for No Response and used interchangeably with No Contact.  If the Narcissist is able to get in touch with you by phone, cell, email, and/or social media, this is No Response, and it’s one of the primary reasons why victims of narcissistic abuse remain stuck in their abusive relationships far beyond practical limits.

(Don’t feel judged, I did it, too, but there does come a time when you’ll want to cease these self-sabotaging behaviors so you can move forward ).

If you are not married and trying to end a relationship with a Narcissist, then the best strategy is to have no contact with him or her. You end the relationship cold-turkey, as if giving up an addiction.  No Contact means the narcissist or psychopath can’t get in touch with you.  Those who implement No Contact in its true form have a much higher chance of detaching, healing, and realizing happiness.

On the other hand, No Response means you allow them to call, text, or email, and you decide whether or not to respond.  Those who implement No Response usually stay enmeshed in the hypnotic influence of the Narcissistic Vortex, remaining stuck in dysfunctional patterns with the Narcissist years after the so-called “end” of the relationship.  Typically, this leads to existing as a secondary source of supply and being the fall back when relationship dramas arise with the narcissist’s other partners.  (And yes, it’s possible he or she may try to call from a blocked or unknown number, but that isn’t a valid reason to leave lines of communication open).

 What to do:  No Contact is hard because it’s accepting that the relationship over.  It means admitting it wasn’t based on love, but on control and manipulation.  Accept that the Narcissist will not change.  Give up trying to find potential loopholes in the narcissist’s behaviors in hopes of finding ways the relationship could have worked or what you could have done differently to make them wake up and love you.

If you do share custody or work with the Narcissist, then Gray Rock is your best line of attack.  It allows you to stop being manipulated into taking responsibility for things that weren’t your fault to begin with.

Learning how to effectively deal with a narcissist, especially in cases of divorce and custody issues, can’t be accomplished by reading just this one article. It takes practice, research, and a good attorney.  Don’t try to do this alone and definitely don’t put things off until the last minute.   Below are some great resources for navigating divorce when detaching from a Narcissist:

Divorce 101

 

Divorce 101:  A Woman’s Guide – Includes information for each state,  relevant laws, child custody, support calculators, worksheets, as well as professionals that practice in each state.  Protect yourself financially, create a workable custody arrangement and Parenting Plan.

 

[1] The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths. (2012, February 10). Retrieved November 10, 2015, from http://www.lovefraud.com/2012/02/10/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

 

The Insanely Jealous Narcissist

It’s no secret that Narcissists are extreme control freaks.  They consider their partners, children, and flying monkeys as their personal possessions, to be used and manipulated for their own selfish needs and wants.  They insist on having their way in all interactions and almost always have an agenda.  Even seemingly innocent exchanges are often contrived and premeditated as a means to an end.

Failure to comply with the Narcissists’ point of view is considered an attack on their perceived superiority.  Anytime you voice concerns about their behaviors, you are considered problematic and you must make the necessary adjustments to pacify them.  Their sense of ownership is one reason why their abuse escalates as their relationships get more serious over the passage of time.  The longer you stay with a control-freak narcissist, the more he thinks of you as his personal property.

This possessiveness is the foundation of the narcissist’s mindset.  On some level, he truly feels he owns you and therefore has the right to treat you as he sees fit.  This becomes painfully obvious to his romantic partners, who become targets and outlets for the Narcissist’s insane jealousy.  Below, I explain the rationale behind the insanely jealous narcissist’s behaviors and dealings with his romantic partner(s).

Jealousy and Consuming Suspicion

Although not characteristic of every Jealous Narcissist, they do share many of the same core traits regarding their efforts at control, which typically commence with seemingly harmless care and concern.  So-called justifiable statements that a romantic partner may initially hear include:

  • I just care about you so much that I can’t bear being away from you for a minute!
  • I love you too much and that’s why I feel so jealous about you.
  • I’ve been cheated on before and I don’t want that to happen again.
  • If you come live with me, you can stop working so you can finish ________ (fill-in-the-blank).
  • I just don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression of you.

…and other such statements which, on the surface, hold a romantic nuance.  However, in spite of the sometimes cute and puppy dog-style allusions of these statements, they hold detrimental intentions.

Any possibility of a new significant other is a threat to the enmeshment and psychic influence the Jealous Narcissist holds over his partner.  In other words, if he believes another man is interested in her (or she in him), it could mean the end of his ownership over her, and therefore, the end of his all-consuming control.  However, it’s important to note that his jealousy isn’t always directed towards possible romantic rivals, but sometimes to any relationship his partner may have with other people, whether male or female.  This is because he wants her to be focused on his needs ONLY, and any attention given to other people is less attention given to him.

(This is also an under-handed method of isolation to take away any sources of support that might contribute to her attempts at independence when the relationship becomes toxic, which is inevitable in relationships with Narcissists, jealous or otherwise.)

Paradoxically, the most accusatory Narcissists are among the ones most likely to be cheating themselves.  This explains why they always search for evidence of their partner’s infidelity even though, in most cases, none is ever found.  In spite of his partner’s attempts at reassuring the Narcissist that she loves him and won’t cheat on him, they’re not enough to calm his consuming suspicions.  This can usually be ascribed to his own chronic infidelity, which is an indicator of his lack of ability to develop normal attachments with his partners.

When Jealousy Becomes Pathological                                                                                                      
While jealousy is normal and even healthy in conventional relationships, the kind of jealousy experienced by the Jealous Narcissist is largely pathological—also referred to as morbid jealousy or delusional jealousy.  According to Wikipedia[1], some of the symptoms of pathological jealousy include:

  • Accusing partner of looking or giving attention to other people.
  • Interrogation of phone calls, including wrong numbers or accidental phone calls, and all other forms of communication.
  • Going through the partner’s belongings.
  • Always asking where the partner is and whom they are with.
  • Isolating partner from their family and friends.
  • Not letting the partner have personal interests or hobbies outside the house.
  • Controlling the partner’s social circle.
  • Claiming the partner is having an affair when they withdraw or try to escape abuse.
  • Accusing the partner of having affairs when the marriage’s sexual activity stops because of the abuse.
  • Lack of trust.
  • Verbal and/or physical violence towards the partner, the individual whom is considered to be the rival, or both.
  • Blaming the partner and establishing an excuse for jealous behavior.

If your partner exhibits these signs of pathological jealousy, please know that there’s really nothing you can do to change his perspective.  If he exhibits a need for constant contact (constant texts, long and frequent phone calls, insists on attending all of your appointments and interviews, visits you at work, etc.) and panics or rages when he cannot contact you immediately, that is a very strong warning sign that speaks to severe distrust and an unhealthy attachment.

Trust is an essential ingredient to a healthy relationship.  You should feel comfortable around your partner and not have to constantly prove your credibility.  If you feel belittled or hurt when you’re around your partner, then your partner is most likely using manipulative tactics to keep you under his control.

Healing from a narcissistic relationship – What you can do

Narcissists know how to manipulate your vulnerabilities and sabotage anything that will alter the balance of power inside your relationship with them.   Recovery from the psychological, emotional, mental and spiritual abuse of narcissism is imperative for you to put yourself and your life back together.  If you’re feeling extremely broken, powerless and like you can’t take it anymore, you can access powerful help and relief.  (Click on the link to be re-directed).

**Please note that if you’ve engaged in these behaviors after discovering your narcissistic partner’s infidelities or have been a victim of triangulation, this does not make you a narcissist. However, if these behaviors describe you, your relationship is unhealthy and you may want to consider ending it.

Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

(No gender bias was intended in the creation of this article.  The pronouns “he, his, and him” were used for ease of reading).

[1] Morbid jealousy. (2015, October 2). In Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia. Retrieved 21:27, November 16, 2015, fromhttps://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Morbid_jealousy&oldid=683791086

Surviving Narcissistic Abuse | No Contact | Narcissists and Lying | Narcissistic Husband | Love Bombing | Cognitive Dissonance

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