Let Me Reach is going on Holiday!

Adiós hasta 09 de marzo!

I am going on a wonderful, exotic vacay and will be gone until March 9th. Thank you to all of you who follow me each day. I hope to come back rejuvenated with fresh, new ideas and inspiring messages for all of you who are trying to detach from toxic relationships.

Tu puede hacerlo!

plane-taking-off

Empaths, Narcissists, and Love

 

Moth to Flame

~ by Josh Schultz

Why do empaths attract narcissists? Narcissists depend on external validation. Empaths are tremendous healers, givers, and validators. On the surface, this may seem like a convenient story. But the underlying dynamics of each couple’s situation can be vastly different.

It is possible that an empath will agree, as a spirit, to a relationship with a narcissist in order to have a particular transformative experience, or to learn to say no. Every relationship is a continually shifting landscape of male and female energies, flowing with giving and taking, in each action, word, and caress.

We like to think that living from the heart, being totally in a space of love and affinity can only be good; that it can never be wrong or bad. But one must also truthfully ask themselves: is it balanced? Is it healthy? Unfortunately, the common undercurrent with many empaths is that we often heal others to our own detriment, which is very unhealthy.

Here is a funny question: when your healing energy goes to everyone else, and it becomes a demand, is it really a healing space any longer? Some of the best healers I have met know how to laugh at other people’s problems, and they know how to keep their healing information to themselves, and not heal everyone.

They know how to be senior in their own inner space and understand that people create problems to learn as spirits and that healing them, i.e., changing the energy affecting them, is not always appropriate.

One of the best things that empaths can do is to learn how to end healing agreements and stop healing everyone around them in a completely out of control fashion. This is what the psychic institutes teach.

The “out of control empath’s” essential problem is that they are giving away all of their healing information, and energy, to others to the point where they have none left for themselves; this does not effectively help people. It creates karma.

So, creating a relationship with a narcissist is a great way for a spirit in a highly sensitive body to start to make positive changes in their life when it comes to seniority over their own space and healing energy. Someone has to teach empaths to say no. Someone has to show empaths where they are refusing to take responsibility for owning their seniority. Someone has to show empaths the pictures, and habits, they are stuck in that do not allow them to run their own control energy.

Ideally, it is a learning experience and the empath can change all of those behaviors, beliefs, and patterns, to create a different, and more validating, relationship; but without clairvoyant tools that can be very difficult.

We create through the pictures in our inner space as spirits. So if we don’t destroy the pictures limiting us – actually sit down in meditation and visualize those images exploding or decide to change our inner beliefs – then we will simply create the same situations over again, because the sub-conscious mind does not know any different.

It may sound patronizing to say this, but problems are simply spiritual opportunities in disguise. Of course it is hard to really believe that unless you have the right tools and can consistently use them to change situations. I would surmise that most women do not want to hear that their relationship space is a spiritual development space, or growth space, and that they may have to learn from different partners before they are mature enough to be with their ideal mate.

We like to believe that loving another means accepting them completely, even with all their faults; that we should love people for who they are, not for who we want them to be. But what happens when there is a large gap between who that person really can be, i.e., what they are deeply capable of as a spirit, and who they are in present time?

With narcissists the gap is really large. The out of control empath unconsciously says, “heal them.” But maybe it is better to teach that person. But do we know when it is appropriate to help someone change, or to heal them, or teach them?

Spirit has the ability to be completely neutral to human circumstance. So a person’s spirit may be learning a lot from being a narcissist in their lifetime. And it may not actually be appropriate for that person to change just yet. Can you see into their karma and communicate with them as a spirit as to what they actually want?

Can you see when validating where someone is capable, rather than who they are now, is healthy, rather than a form of control? And can you see whether that person is really ready to have that communication? If someone doesn’t want to change, then saying no, and moving on, may be the only healthy thing you can do.

I have clairvoyantly read many hundreds of people over the past several years, and I have seen most relationships being created purely from a space of unconscious karma. I recently read a woman who felt intensely conflicting feelings of love and despise for a man who was attracted to her; in this lifetime the man was a bumbling idiot, and she even said so. But in her past life she was deeply in love with him; she was completely stuck on that past life karma.

Another woman I read wondered whether she should contact a narcissist ex-boyfriend who was suspected of having killed several people, although it was never actually proven. And even another woman I read had an obsessive fantasy about wanting to be kidnapped that had its root in a very strange past life where she actually fell in love with her kidnapper.

The unconscious pull of karma can be incredibly potent. It is the level most people are creating their relationships at on the planet. So, being able to end your karma at will, and experience the immediate effects of doing so, is a very important tool to have. Most people today seem to have the idea that powerlessness, or lack of seniority, over your karma is inherently baked-in to it. However, when you have clairvoyant tools, this becomes a lie.

Empaths without any tools are almost always stuck in healing agreements and healing games.

Ending karma is not about healing; it is about leveling the playing field back to a space of neutrality and free choice. Although one may receive a form of inner healing from ending karma, one can argue that the ability to end karma is actually senior to the ability to heal, because if you can end the karma then you can avoid the entire manifestation process in the first place.

The great thing about understanding the energetic intricacies of different situations, and having the clairvoyant tools to deal with them, is that in order to change your life you only need to do more meditation and energy work. You learn to create from the effortless space of the higher chakras.

And then, generally, the formula for life becomes 90% meditation, 10% action. I would tenuously suggest that if you are taking more than 10% action and not seeing the results you want then your inner space simply needs more work; and sometimes that can mean months of meditation. But when you create from the sixth and seventh chakras you need to take very little, and, many times, no external action.

The journey of people who identify as empaths, in today’s world, is to move from the second chakra, a space of sensuality, feeling, and body emotion, into the heart, and then into the sixth chakra – a clairvoyant space. For most people this can take years.

In many cases where we are having emotional trouble, or feeling stuck, it is because there is a sub-conscious picture that we have fallen into and failed to see clearly. That is the task that these psychic institutes teach with so many different tools: how to destroy, i.e., transform, energy and get neutral to your pictures so that you can clear away all the past life junk, unconscious programming, healing agreements, limits, pain, and thousands of other things – so that you can actually be in your body as a spirit.

The ability to destroy a mental picture is the most fundamental way of changing your entire life.

I have seen a lot of highly sensitive people, empaths, – and people who live from their hearts – who have difficulty with destroying. One woman I read even recoiled at the suggestion that she destroy a simple flower. What inevitably happens with people who have no permission to destroy is twofold.

Firstly, they become completely programmed by other people’s control energies (because they have no self-permission to destroy those energies) and, secondly, they end up channeling other spirits to do the work of destroying for them, when they need to change. The problem with the latter is that it can easily turn into a recipe which can ruin a person’s entire life, and even future lifetimes.

Life is a dynamic process of creating and destroying.

So it makes sense to look at who you are, who you want to become, how you want to change, and what you want to experience through a relationship. Empaths, especially, need to define what they want to receive out of a relationship. Unfortunately, empaths can easily fall into the pit of losing their own sense of self when they are around a significant other.

An empath, and really anyone who is paying attention to their own inner space, needs a level of energetic separation from others that most people do not really understand. Our culture is great at teaching people how to lose their space, but outside of the psychic institutes there is very little usefully comprehensive information on how to actually have one’s space as a spirit in a body.

Most of our cultural fantasies about love boil down to losing oneself inside another, i.e., losing one’s space and seniority, doing anything for love, etc., rather than gaining more clarity and awareness over oneself as a spirit.

Love requires more than just affinity and karma to be successful; it requires incredibly clear communication, clear vision, and a myriad of inner tools and practical transformative spiritual information that can guide a couple along in their journey together – without which one is left with drama, games, and out of control transmedium energy.

As an empath, one must also be able to define, and stand by, the things that make one senior in one’s own space. What does that even mean? It means saying no to doing things you don’t actually want to do, i.e., being senior to guilt and cultural, or parental, programming that tells you what you are “supposed to do.” It means cutting out people from your life who are a net negative influence and ending enough karma with them so that they do not return.

It means spending years meditating. It means being responsible for running your own creative energy through your space and kicking everyone else out, even if it makes them mad that you are no longer healing them. It means saying no to the energy, people, and situations that do not validate you and saying yes to what does validate you.

The alternative is living off of karmic scripts, and unconscious pictures, programming, foreign control energy, and past life agreements – and delaying the inevitable work of destroying all those foreign pictures, and energies, in your inner space in some future lifetime.

josh

 

Josh Schultz is a professional clairvoyant, author, and teacher. He works with clients in the San Francisco Bay Area and online. He teaches practical spiritual tools to change your life. Learn more about his work at http://thegroundingbook.com

 

 

What narcissists look like beneath the glamour

 

doctor-octopus-concept-art-from-sam-raimis-spider-man-21

~ photo by Sam Raimis

~ submitted by Ether

Warning – Trigger Alert – Proceed with Caution

Doing psychic healings with targets of narcissists, this is how I see the narc:

If you could see a narcissist beneath their ‘glamour’, they might resemble a big, spider-type creature.

They are in the center and they have eight cords coming of them with sharp hooks at the end. They need to have all these hooks in a variety of people to feed off of them sufficiently to feel alive. In the hook is an addictive substance for their targets. The most destructive situation is when they have all of their hooks in one person, feeding from only them. It should actually be a relief if they are hooked into their other friends, family or lovers. To see people competing on a psychic level over who can get the most hooks in them is disturbing beyond belief.

When you unhook them out of one person, their cords thrash about looking for somewhere else to put it. If you succeed in removing all that they have, at that moment they just lie there pathetically, squirming and dying on the floor desperately trying to reach out for at least one person to get a hook back into.

Love Bombing vs Stalking – What’s the Difference?

 

Stalking 2

Love Bombing

Everyone who’s discovered they are involved with an emotional abuser knows the meaning of having been love bombed.  For those of you who may be new to this, love bombing is when you’ve been bombed by intense “love” in the beginning of a relationship, and then dropped from the highest point of emotional attachment (from the victim’s standpoint).  This is a favorite ruse used by Cluster-B disordered individuals such as Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths.

A Narcissist is drawn to their victim by said victim’s vulnerability, pain, and/or loss.  They then intensely bomb their target with love and attention until they are so overwhelmed by the “affection”, the victim submits to the Narcissist. This is synonymous with the “idealization” phase.

The victim develops intense love for the Narcissist because they are seduced by all the attention. Once the Narcissist has the victim under their control and in love with them, they cease all attention and drop them off the highest emotional cliff. The effects on the victim of being dropped can be devastating.  (This is commonly referred to as the devalue stage).

Love bombing is not about love, but is used to exert power and control.  Love bombing consists of such activities as:

  • Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
  • Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
  • Bringing up marriage after only having known one another for a short time (sometimes as soon as a few days after meeting)
  • Showing up at the target’s place of employment or favorite hangout
  • Giving the appearance of having much in common with the target (painful childhood, horrible mistreatment by their exes, being of a sensitive and poetic nature)

The intent of love bombing is to monopolize a target’s focus in order to diminish the target’s discernment and objectivity.  It is damaging and is intended to destroy a person’s sense of self and establish power over them.  Cult Leaders love bomb their followers in order to brain wash and take control over them.

Stalking

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual toward another person through the carrying out of behaviors intended to frighten, distress the victim, and/or instill a sense of hopelessness in the victim (which often leads to learned helplessness).  Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and usually include following the victim (in person) and/or monitoring them.

According to Lamber Royakkers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):

“Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”

Disruptions in daily life necessary to escape a stalker include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers.   Many targets of stalking have had to move to another country and basically go into hiding.  Many of my clients are or have been stalked by their Narcissistic partner.  Stalking behaviors carried out by Narcissists include:

  • Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
  • Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
  • Showing up at the target’s place of employment or favorite hangout
  • Cyberstalking
  • Installing spyware on a partner’s computer and/or cell phone
  • Finding out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
  • Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
  • Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets

Stalking is synonymous with hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the Narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim’s world through harassing, following, and monitoring.

What’s the Difference?

As you can see in the two categories of behaviors, there really isn’t much difference between love bombing and stalking.  Love bombing is idealizing and mirroring the victim in order to create a feeling of connection in the beginning of the relationship.

Stalking is a common behavior of Narcissists when a source of supply tries to initiate No Contact.  The one distinct difference is that when stalking (hoovering) begins, the victim typically has a clearer picture of what kind of person the Narcissist is…which is why they want to go No Contact in the first place.

Love bombing and stalking are about power and control.  They’re both pathological and used by disturbed people who cannot truly love another.  They’re both insidious and can eradicate self-esteem and the victim’s sense of self.  If your partner has taken part in these two behaviors, know that these are signs of psychological and emotional manipulation used to dominate and keep control over you and it’s time to consider going No Contact.

References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking#cite_note-menace-8

http://www.sociosite.org/cyberstalking_en.php

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-information

Valentine’s Day Fallout – Narcissists and the Contingency Plan

 

Broken Heart

The day after Valentine’s Day…yesterday’s holiday resulted in a global epidemic of Narcissists hoovering, posting pics on his or her social media of them with the new “love interest”, and using the day to execute painful devalues around the world.

Quite possibly all of the above.

While most couples are basking in the afterglow of romantic dinners and intimate moments, you may be feeling like a nincompoop because you believed there was a chance things would work with the Narcissist, and further that no one will ever love you again because you’re checking out the Narcissist’s Facebook and Instagram pages, feeling destroyed by what you find.

Valentine’s Day is the Narcissist’s favorite day for conspiracies and trickery.  If you’re under the adverse conditions of being involved with a Narcissist, please find below three of the most common games carried out by the disordered on our national day of romance:

V-Day Charades

Valentine’s Day is the golden day of hoovering for Narcissists everywhere.  If they are under the impression that you plan on leaving them, you were no doubt bombarded with all manner of love gestures.  The Narcissist may have given you the “Epiphany Speech”, and you consequently began doubting your judgment of the relationship.  Maybe they haven’t been so bad after all…I mean, you do have a tendency to be too sensitive, right?

I hope you didn’t go there.  You may be sensitive, but you know deep down that it’s only a matter of time before regret ensues…maybe you’re experiencing that regret right now.  Regarding your sensitivity, it’s been heightened due to long-term emotional abuse.

Did you fall for the charades?  It was all very convincing, wasn’t it?  The flowers, the card, the dinner? Did he make a late-night “run to the store” or find another way to leave after he landed you in the bedroom? While he was smiling in your face and pretending to be Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire, he was likely doing the same thing to his other source(s) of supply.

For the men, did you know that when you went to the restroom, she was texting the other man?  

This is all part of their contingency plan.  They can never be without supply.

Golden Globes

Can’t stay away from the Narcissist’s social media sites?  Have you become a hermit, downing whole bottles of red wine, ignoring your friends, and calling in sick because you’re so devastated by what you’ve seen on Facebook and Instagram?

Narcissists are highly acclaimed actors and actresses.  Every single post you see on their social media is specifically designed for the destruction of your psyche.  The whole theme is to have you believe you weren’t good enough and they’ve finally found the love of their life.  You’ll see them doing things you always asked for but never received from them.  That trip you wanted to take?  They’ll post pics of plane tickets to your dream destination alongside a photo of their new, shiny partner.  They disliked your children?  You’ll find photos of the two of them at the school play…the epitome of a happy family (never mind they’ve only been an official couple for eight days).  You like sushi and they mocked you for it?  Voila…a pic of them feeding one another tuna rolls using chopsticks (with a bottle of sake in the background).  Valentine’s Day is when social media sites around the world see a huge spike due to Narcissists posting frame-by-frame movie clips of themselves with the new supply.

And the Golden Globe Award goes to…

The plot twist is that though you now feel they’ll never look your way again, those online pics are designed to keep you waiting by the phone with a white-knuckle grip so that when things go awry with the new supply, they’ll have a place to “come home to”.

**This is another contingency plan.  You’ll feel so worthless and undesirable that you’ll accept them back into your home, throwing yourself onto the floor while grabbing their ankles and thanking your lucky stars they’ve come back into your life.  Hey, at least you might have a chance at Best Supporting Actor or Actress.

Symphony of Crickets

There you were, all dressed up after having spent three hours in the kitchen.  The candles were lit, soft music was playing, and you even used the silverware and good china.  Dinnertime came and went.  You turned off the music and the only sound that could be heard was that of crickets as you acknowledged the almost-dead silence after the Narcissist canceled dinner plans without informing you.

Devastating, no?  Narcissists love using Valentine’s Day to carry out painful devalues.  Usually, this is a multi-strategic play because while they left you high and dry, they were doing the same thing to their other supply while they hoovered the target they’ve recently had their eye on.  Every move carried out by the Narcissist is part of their contingency plan.

Did you fall for the games and are now wondering why on earth you gave them another year of your life after the last Valentine’s Day fiasco? If so, don’t resign yourself to a life of learned helplessness.  In the event you did have a moment of epic weakness, today is a new day.  You can change your mind.  You are under no obligation to carry on the charade with someone who took advantage of your forgiving nature.  Today is the perfect day to go No Contact.

**Are you experiencing Valentine’s Day fallout?  Were you part of a contingency plan?  Please share your story below.  Only through spreading awareness can we rise up against emotional predators!

Life with a Narcissist

 

“Where are you?”  I asked, swallowing hard.  I knew his answer before he replied.

“I’m home”, he said with slight hesitancy.  He always hesitated a little before lying.  Apparently, he wasn’t aware that he gave himself away like that.

“That’s odd.  I’m parked right here in the driveway, and your car is nowhere in sight.”  My heart raced, anxiety rising in my chest, as it always did when I caught him in a lie.  After all this time, I still held out hope he’d be honest with me…just once.

“What are you doing home so early?  I thought you were working!”  His voice took on a tone of anger.  The one I dreaded, yet which simultaneously provided me with validation.  He was beginning to realize that I wasn’t the submissive, naïve doormat he’d grown accustomed to.  I asked questions now.  I was onto his games.  I’d even stopped crying…at least in front of him.  I didn’t respond.

“You’re up to something fishy!  You can’t be trusted!  What are you doing leaving work early?!”  His rage was escalating, but at this point I knew the pattern.  Instead of addressing his lie that he was home when he obviously wasn’t, he was trying to use fear and intimidation to get me to acquiesce, as I’d done hundreds of times before.

Although I knew I’d done nothing wrong, I felt the sting of shame and indignation.  Shame because I’d purposefully not told him I was leaving work early for the opportunity to catch him red-handed.  Shame because doing so made me somewhat like him.  Indignation because the man with whom I’d shared a meal and secret moments last night (at his request) had lied to me yet again.  When was I ever going to learn?

I knew the drill.  Instead of giving him the opportunity to torture me with a stage performance of leaving me again, I went ahead and packed his suitcases for him and left them at the door.  I wondered how long it would be this time.  A few days, a couple of weeks?  There was really no rhyme or reason to the abandonment and silent treatments.  I’d given up trying to predict when he’d show up unannounced, forcing himself back into my life as if nothing had happened.

I lay down on my bed, wondering how to deal with the news that I’d have to have one of my ovaries removed.  They needed to find out if the tumor was cancerous or benign.  I’d left work early for a doctor’s appointment.

I buried my face in my pillow and allowed myself to feel the welling, agonizing grief once again.  Loud, piercing cries had become a frequent pastime.  Was this my life?

At the end of the day, I’d convinced myself I deserved his rage because I’d set him up.  It was my fault…might as well live with the consequences of my actions.

**If this story resonates with you, especially the ending, please understand that these are signs of psychological manipulation often used by Narcissists or other Cluster-B personality types.  You are not to blame for someone else’s lies and character attacks.  These are behaviors used to establish dominance and/or superiority.  Staying in a toxic relationship can, and does, lead to anxiety, depression, phobias, PTSD, and sometimes, suicide.  If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, please consider leaving the relationship and participating in a healing program.

Hold Onto Hope – Life after Narcissistic Abuse

 

Heart Hands

Being a blogger has opened up so many opportunities for me, including making acquaintance with other light-workers around the world. It’s such an amazing feeling to exchange emails with someone on another continent, knowing that if we lived in the same neighborhood, we’d likely be the best of friends.

This brings to light the fact that we are all one…and because of that, I want to share with you a delightful piece of prose that my long-distance friend, Ether, wrote for all of you:

Do you think that you are alone now? You are not.

Do you think that someone destroyed your self -esteem? They did not.

Do you feel that you were not heard, seen or appreciated? This simply isn’t true.

I can see you, I can hear you.  I am telling you that you are amazing.

I have seen your future and your unique and amazing power.

I know this because I am with you now.

I know this because I am you from the future…

And I am smiling

smiling woman

Narcissism: Dating a Somatic Narcissist

Guest post by Jade @ DoPersonality Test

If you have already been in a relationship with a narcissist, unless you have first done the necessary healing before starting to date again, you could find yourself being a ‘narcissist magnet’ who attracts just another variety of narcissist in your life. That was my own personal experience and how I got first hand dating experience of the somatic narcissist type. Check out the warning signals of the somatic narcissist type in the video below:

On one level, somatic narcissists are the most obvious to spot because they take pride in their personal appearance. In the case of my own somatic narcissist, he was very much into going to the gym and wearing fashionable outfits. At the time I was living in Dubai – a place which is full of people who care about their looks and who follow a high maintenance style of dress. However, I think it would be wrong to conclude that every person who makes a particular effort to take care of their personal appearance is a narcissist. You have to observe much more closely to get confirmation of their narcissism.

What surprised me about my somatic narcissist was that he pursued me for months which mislead me to think he had serious intentions and that he was really into me. He seemed to be extremely keen to date me and regularly offered to take me out different places, which most of the time I declined. I wasn’t looking for casual dating experiences and I was in no rush to have a boyfriend, but still he wouldn’t give up the chase. During those times when I did meet up with him for a date we’d go out and he’d tell me how great he’d been to his ex-girlfriend and how despite what an amazing boyfriend he was to her, she took advantage of him. He’d also tell me how great he was in bed and how much he enjoyed having sex at least five times a day when he had a girlfriend. He spoke a really good game but still I picked up mixed messages from him: I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but something about him gave me doubts at the level of intuition.

Ultimately, however, I ignored my intuition and did end up in his bed. I have read that somatic narcissists are supposed to be great lovers, but that was not my own experience. For him sex was nothing else than a body function – like burping or farting. He just wanted to climax as quickly as possible and be done with it. There was no sense connection in the sexual act and it was completely lacking in any eroticism. Not only was this a disappointment, but it also came as a big surprise after all his creative storytelling I had listened to for months! I had been expecting fireworks and sexual acrobatics, and what I had got was the worst ever sex of my whole life!

My heart was by no means broken after my experience with my somatic narcissist, though I did feel stupid for ignoring my intuition. What I learned from my experience was that even if a guy really does seem like he likes you and says all the right things, it’s much more important to listen to what your feelings are telling you. All along my feelings were telling me something doesn’t quite add up here.

Following our sexual encounter it might be the case that the both just lost interest in each other. He had made his conquest, and I had realised that he was definitely not the right guy for me. From time to time weeks and even months later he would emerge reaching out his tentacles hoping to get more narcissistic supply from me. However, by that point I was wise to his game and he stood no chance. The best thing to do was to simply ignore his pointless text messages.

For more videos about encounters with narcissists, check out my YouTube channel DoPesonalityTest

https://www.youtube.com/user/dopersonalitytest/videos

http://dopersonalitytest.com/

Jade @ DO

Breaking Up with a Narcissist

Breaking Up

“Breaking up with a Narcissist”.  These are common search terms that lead people to Let Me Reach.  While I am glad that readers are searching for ways to end their toxic relationships, I usually feel a little anxious for them because I know that “breaking up with a narcissist” is no easy feat.

Generally, when partners of a Narcissist start searching for ways to end the relationship, they often believe that doing so will offer them quick liberation from the agony they’re experiencing.  After all, when we feel depressed or anxious, we simply make an appointment with a therapist and he or she will likely prescribe pills to deal with difficult emotions.  We can schedule a massage and experience fast relief from pent-up stress.  Finding information that we want is as simple as entering search terms into our web browser.  Because we live in times where instant gratification is so easy to obtain, we hope and believe that we can get over narcissistic abuse in only a few sessions with a therapist, a coach, or by simply reading a self-help book.

What people may not realize is that going No Contact, while virtually paralyzing, is not the most difficult aspect of ending things with a Narcissist.  The really hard stuff comes afterwards…and only after successfully maintaining No Contact.  However, that may be difficult in itself because of the psychological manipulations carried out by the Narcissist.

How the Narcissist responds to one’s breaking up and going No Contact depends on what’s going on in the Narcissist’s life at the time.  The victim can expect a variety of responses that include indifference, rage, or the all-time classic ploy of pretending to be sorry.  Often, there is a combination of all three.  Then, after the silent treatment, verbal assaults, and guilting/blaming, the Narcissist often comes back with a ramped up hoovering move that is almost always the death of No Contact.  Such tactics involve a plethora of reality-bending schemes, such as the three examples listed below:

The “I’m sorry for hurting you and I vow to make it up to you” maneuver

This is a favorite ruse used globally by narcissists of all types (the only general exception being the cerebral narcissist).  That’s because the narcissist’s partners are of the cooperative, empathic, tolerant, altruistic, and forgiving type and the narcissist has no qualms about exploiting these traits to the nth degree.  When the narcissist shows up with flowers, jewelry, and tears (on bended knee for effect), his or her compassionate partner turns into instant putty, forgetting all wrongdoings and imagining a better future, which includes growing old together and holding hands while walking through the park.

Unfortunately, the narcissist’s thinking is entirely different.  Their thoughts are usually centered on how they are going to hook up with the side-supply now that their primary supply has thrown a monkey wrench into their routine.  Maintain your dignity by not reducing yourself to “monkey wrench” status.

The “I love only you” tactic

Breaking up with the Narcissist is not only influenced by their consistent verbal and emotional abuse, lies, and indifference, but also because they’re notoriously unfaithful.  Therefore, they will try to make it appear that they have no control over the fact that they are a “sex addict” or “bad at being monogamous”… they are only with those other people for “fun”.  The only person they really love is you.  You’re the only one that accepts them, warts and all, and offers them a place to come home to at the end of the day; a place to fall and help all their worries go away.  It’s you and them against the world.  They confess they are messed up, maybe a little crazy, but it’s because you are so connected to them that they love only you.  Don’t they always come back to you?  Don’t they sleep in your bed?

Don’t fall for this poppycock.  Remember, persuasiveness and charm are the primary traits of a psychopath. There’s no doubt you are unique and special, but the Narcissist doesn’t see those things in you.  What they are working towards is keeping the number of his or her admirers high.  The more people they have adoring them, the better…and they are telling their other partners the same thing.

The “I’ve had a divine epiphany” ploy

They were driving to work and it suddenly occurred to them, the two of you were meant to be together.  It all became crystal clear in a matter of seconds.  They don’t know how they didn’t see it before.  In fact, the two of you should get married…and the sooner the better.

You’d fare better at the Guantanamo Bay detention camp.

If you truly want to break up with the Narcissist in your life, the best approach is to do it in stealth mode.  There’s truly no need to explain to them why you’re doing it.  Doing so only opens up a useless dialogue where you will likely get tricked into believing you’re making a big mistake.  “Breaking up” is synonymous with going “No Contact” when a narcissist is in the picture.

You won’t get closure or validation.  And please, don’t fall for the “let’s be friends” ploy.  That will land you straight into la la land, where you will spend months, if not years, tolerating their multiple sex partners, disappearing acts, and your making monthly visits to your doctor’s office to make sure you haven’t contracted an STD.

Breaking up with a narcissist feels like death, but the really hard stuff comes afterwards because at some point you’ll start the journey of discovering why you were in a relationship with this type of person.  You’ll need to uncover the wounds that kept you enmeshed with a toxic partner.  You’ll need to forgive yourself.  You’ll need to forgive your parents or caretakers that created the wounds that led you to enter into this relationship.  And it will take a long time for all of that to happen.

Also know that breaking No Contact may give you temporary relief, but the long-term effects would be harmful if you go back to them.  You cannot get real relief from the very person who hurt you.  Breaking up with a Narcissist equals cutting them out of your life completely without giving them a chance to “explain themselves”, because whatever explanation they would give you would only be another manipulation.

The Narcissist’s “Confessions”

 

Narcissists are wonderful at playing the part of the loving, caring partner. That’s why it’s so surprising when their true colors start to show. Sometimes, though, they tell us who they are in the beginning of the relationship while appearing seemingly innocent.

If you are an Empath, INFJ, and/or Codependent and have heard phrases such as the following from your partner, you’ll want to reconsider the relationship and not brush these comments aside (as you may feel naturally inclined to do).

“I’m not that great at being monogamous.”

“I guess I’ll never grow up.”

“I always seem to hurt people without meaning to.”

“I may have a roaming eye, but you’re the one I really love.”

“I have a problem with being told what to do.”

“I’m a sex addict.”  (REAL sex addicts would rather have a root canal than admit to being a sex addict. The narcissist “admits” this early on in the relationship to justify their multiple partners and online dating profiles that you will discover later).

“I’m a porn addict”  (Again, who “admits” this without feeling at least some sense of it appearing unbecoming to a new partner.  They are just getting it all out upfront since you will discover their porn activity sooner or later).

“I have anger management issues.”

These kinds of statements are the narcissist’s way of laying the groundwork. They’ve already picked up on your being a forgiving type of person, and they throw these statements around in a casual way to monitor your reaction. Empaths and Codependents are notorious for being overly nice and forgiving, so typically, our natural reaction is to think “Nobody’s perfect. I’m sure we can work around it.” This is wonderful news for the Narcissist, and clears them from any wrong-doing in their mind.

However, if your partner has made a casual confession such as the ones above, they will use it as ammunition later, such as by saying, “I told you I was like this in the beginning. You KNEW this about me, so what are you complaining about? You seemed okay with it before, what’s the problem now?” In short, they will accept no accountability for their actions, while you’re left in a very compromising position because the truth is, what they’re saying is correct!