The Myth of the Narcissist – Seeing Through the Illusion

Free Woman

by ~Gina Fant-Saez~

You said the most beautiful things
and sounded evolved and sincere
With intentions unquestionably true
And ambitions insightfully clear

I used to bathe in your words
believed you hungry for change
and willing to finally work
for all the things that you craved

it was a beautiful dream
to see you free and alive
your heart soaring in love
your body floating with mine

But you said what I wanted to hear
in language all gilded in grace
carefully crafted to match
the beauty I saw in your face

Now I see you’re a beautiful shell
With hollowing darkness inside
And you’ve grown so used to the dark
That now you’re afraid of the light

Lacking the courage to face
Your mirror of careless mistakes
The years and money you’ve wasted
Destruction left in your wake

Now you’re sorry you’ve hurt me again
As your tears and your promises fall
But I’m finally immune to your words
I know they mean nothing at all

You were an illusion I learned
Sadly, I see it all now
The only moments you rose
were the ones you were tearing me down

You carefully pulled all the strings
So your circles did not intersect
Now you’re passing out new victim cards
and shuffling me into your deck

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Don’t Sell Yourself Short

Stressed-Out-Office-Worker

I bargained with Life for a penny,
And Life would pay no more,
However I begged at evening
When I counted my scanty store;
For Life is a just employer,
He gives you what you ask,
But once you have set the wages,
Why, you must bear the task.
I worked for a menial’s hire,
Only to learn, dismayed,
That any wage I had asked of Life,
Life would have paid.

~Jessie Belle Rittenhouse (1869–1948)

Have you set your wages with the Narcissist in your life, working for “a menial’s hire”?  Do you continue to give 110%, thinking that one day, you’ll be rewarded for all the time, effort, and dedication you’ve invested in the relationship?  Are you holding out for the day when your Narcissist morphs into a caring, compassionate individual, expressing remorse for their deeds…and promising to make it all up to you…to compensate you for all the overtime you’ve worked?

He or she is unable to do any of that.  They are not wired the same way we are.  There is no union, no fair labor act, no HR department to ensure checks and balances.  You’re working for a tyrant CEO.

And there’s only one way to liberate yourself from this malicious environment – develop an exit plan and go No Contact.

One of the major causes of depression is settling for a life that one isn’t happy with.   Are you going to banish your limiting beliefs? Take the steps to realize your true potential?  Decide enough is enough?

You are really two people; the person you are today and the person you dream of being… Will you be one of the growing posse of victors that consciously and proactively takes control of their lives?

Will it be hard?  Yes!  Will it be inconvenient?  You betcha’…but hard and inconvenient don’t mean impossible.  Let’s weigh your options:

  • Live out the rest of your life working under a tyrant CEO, which in itself is much harder and inconvenient, because you will never realize true happiness. You’ll continue to be passed up for promotions, which will be given to the newest supply in the department. Your dedication and contributions will never be acknowledged, and in fact, you will likely be demoted as time goes on.  (Think devalue and discard)
  • Put in your notice (No Contact) and endure a transitory period of scathing backlash. This will feel really crappy in the beginning.  You’ll be forced to do things way out of line with your character (avoid, ignore, block…perhaps file protection orders, or worse…tell a lie or two).  The emotional pain will escalate due to mental and physiological withdrawal, grief, guilt, unrequited love, no closure, no apologies…and mostly, not being able to understand “why”.  Most people in No Contact feel as if they’re dying.  And in many ways they are…

But the good news is that they die to their old selves; the self that believes they are powerless.  They find out what it is inside of them that caused them to stay.  They heal their wounds.  They re-discover themselves and begin to love themselves again…to love life again.  They grow spiritually.  Some make major overhauls to their lives, including career changes, moving to another state, starting a business, learning to play an instrument, realizing dreams that had long been tucked away, finding true love, etc., etc.,

That sensation of dying goes away (if you’re dedicated to loving yourself) and a whole new world opens up.  It’s a Phoenix Process

and it all begins with No Contact.

 

 “Today is the first day of the rest of your life” ~ Charles Dederich

Seaside Retreat

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Warning Signs You’re Dating a Loser

Kim Saeed:

This article was published on the Internet several years ago and was originally written to help identify “Losers” in relationships. The e-mail feedback Dr. Carver received on the article was tremendous. It’s clear the article is a way of identifying not only “losers” but controlling, abusive, and manipulating individuals. It’s also obvious these warning signs are not only found in dating relationships – but also in spouses, parents, friends, and relatives. There are more victims in the environment of the Loser than his or her romantic partner.

Originally posted on Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed:

Written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

** September 27, 2003, but still very relevant in today’s world of Narcissism!

Loser

Introduction

Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, “the honeymoon” of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming like a police detective.

Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the “fatal attraction” often described in movies. There…

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Connection To Inner Soul 639hz – Isochronic Binaural – Solfeggio – Brainwave Entrainment

 

 

This tone is used for one to connect with their inner self, allowing them to better understand their relationships with other souls in their reality. It helps one to see how all souls are interconnected, making interactions with souls a more enjoyable experience. This tone can be used in meditation as well as lying down in bed with headphones. Be sure to adjust the volume to your preference.

 

 

I Went No Contact – Now What?

Begin to be Now

No Contact.

Words that stir dread and anxiety…

No Contact is serious business.  It’s the final step in detaching from an abusive partner and toxic relationship.  On average, targets of Narcissistic abuse attempt No Contact seven times before finally implementing it in its true form.  Pulling it off successfully takes determination, self-discipline, and the doggedness to see the bigger picture.

As brutal as going No Contact is, what’s even more difficult is the period after applying it.  There are withdrawal symptoms, heartbreak, horrible self-doubt, and the urge to reach out.  After stretches of liquor consumption, binge-eating, and making a fool of oneself at the local club (or worse, contacting the Ex), it’s time to remember what going No Contact is all about – getting your power back and living a life of liberation and joyfulness.

No Contact is not easy to stick to; it challenges your endurance and is one of the hardest steps you will ever take if you have decided that getting over the relationship is the best thing that you can do.  Going into it, it’s crucial to have clear expectations of what No Contact is designed for, and also what to expect in the days that follow

1.  Contrary to popular Google advice, No Contact is NOT meant to bring your Ex back when related to Narcissistic abuse

No Contact is not meant to carry out punishment, exact revenge, or teach your Ex a lesson.  Using it in this way always backfires and lengthens the time spent in despair.  Any efforts made by your Ex to contact you are simply hoovering attempts, and there will be a price to pay for letting him or her back into your life, usually in the form of being ridiculed, discarded, and left in ruin.

No Contact doesn’t make your Narcissistic Ex miss you.  What it does is send them into panic mode once they detect they are losing control over you, and they will use any means necessary to reestablish that control.  This often comes in the form of divinity-inspired epiphanies where the angels touched down and showed them how wrong they’ve been.  Flowers, cards, and perhaps tears will be the theme of the day as they play your heartstrings to the tune of Careless Whisper.  Don’t fall for it; it’s only a matter of time before they revert back to the raging howler monkey that you knew.

What it is:  No Contact is your conscious decision to stop the abuse directed towards you.  It means you recognize the challenges that lie before you, but make the commitment to give yourself the happiness you deserve.  You resolve to break the patterns that kept you in the relationship through self-inquiry and self-care.

Letting go doesn’t mean that you don’t care about someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.” -Deborah Reber

 

2.  Is No Contact easy?

It’s easy after you’ve had that eighth glass of Merlot.  It’s easy when you experience a dopamine rush when you see they’ve texted you with “hey”, and you consequently daydream that they’ve been secretly making plans for your wedding in Bora Bora.

Other than that, it’s about as easy as dragging yourself to work in the fashion often associated with one-armed, ground-bound zombies in “The Walking Dead”.

On the bright side:  If you execute No Contact properly, you will slowly feel the weight being lifted from your heart and soul.  You’ll begin to remember what life was like before becoming the target of emotional abuse.  You’ll start to see that you’re not the leprous social reject that your Ex would have you believe.  Instead, if you commit to moving on and healing, you’ll discover the gift in the curse.  A relationship with the Narcissist is a catalyst for spiritual growth.  He or she brings all of your emotional wounds to the surface so you can discover, accept, and heal them.

In order to grow, one must leave their comfort zone. Very often this means that you have to do what you are afraid of in order to find what you didn’t know you were looking for.

You can never cross the ocean unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore” -Christopher Columbus

 

3.  Does No Contact work?

Here is the formula for determining the success of No Contact:

You + Determination = Success

In other words, whether it works depends entirely upon your actions.  Have you really gone No Contact or No Response?

No Contact means they can’t call, text, email, or contact you via any social media platforms.  Those who implement No Contact in its true form have a much higher chance at detaching, healing, and realizing happiness.

On the other hand, No Response means you didn’t block them.  Instead, you let them call, text, or email, and you decide whether or not to respond.  Those who implement No Response usually stay enmeshed in the hypnotic influence of the Narcissist and are often still stuck in dysfunctional patterns years after the so-called “end” of the relationship.  Typically, this leads to being a secondary source of supply and/or still being miserable five and ten years (or more) down the road.

What to do:  No Contact is hard because it’s acknowledging that the relationship over.  It means admitting it wasn’t based on love, but on control and manipulation.  Accept that the Narcissist will not change.  Let them go, but do so with the understanding that you are no longer rejecting yourself in conjunction with the Narcissist.

Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go.”-Len Santos

 

4.  Stay off the internet and engage in healing practices instead

By the time one has determined they are with a Narcissist, they’ve typically done tons of research and conversed on numerous forums.  Education and venting are important, but when it’s time for No Contact, it’s best to take a hiatus from the internet, unless you are researching ways to heal.  Resist the urge to visit Narc-land because the more you read about (and think about) your Ex’s disorder, the harder it is to turn the focus onto your healing.

What to do:  Stop looking at the closed door.  In fact, stop clinging to the door knob in a bawling heap, hoping that the door will open again.  Even if it did, you’d want to close it again in no time…get a hammer and nails and make sure that door stays shut.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.” -Helen Keller

 

5.  Don’t believe everything you think

In the interim after implementing No Contact, self-esteem is a thing of the past.  At least, that’s one’s experience after enduring emotional and verbal abuse.  Curiously, survivors of Narcissistic abuse admit that their partner was a pathological liar, yet believed them when they threw out insults and engaged in name-calling.

Stop believing the lies.  Understand that the slights about your character, appearance, intelligence, etc., were also deceptions.  But, more importantly, stop believing the negative things you tell yourself.  The very things we fear keep repeating themselves if we continue to focus on them and give them power.   Life will continue to give us lessons until we learn, grow, and move past them.

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” ~Maya Angelou

 

beauty-of-the-butterfly

Do you have a successful No Contact story to share?  Please do so in the comment section below!

To the Woman Who’s Made to Feel Like She’s Difficult to Love

Woman's Love

~By Mohadesa Najumi~

Dear Woman Who’s Made to Feel Like She’s Difficult to Love,

You beautiful, soft delicate thing.

You intricate thing.

Why do you let the world penetrate you so deep? All their hurt and anger at your eternal fire,

Fire always struggles in the ocean.

He’s done it so many times. Made you feel like you’re difficult to love.

Almost every man has,

All their little idiosyncrasies that dig in like little swords going into your back.

You’re far from difficult to love.

Birds fall in love with you during their migration.

Even tree branches want to wrap around you,

And more importantly, you love yourself.

You’re the sun that gives life whilst expecting nothing in return.

Women are selfless lovers, we love for love, without questions.

How can we ever be difficult to love? We are the lovers.

A world without a woman’s love is unimaginable.

You are not difficult to love.

You are not difficult to love.

No woman on earth is.

Our skin cells are the very fabric of nurturing, of care, of soaking up others pain as if it were our own.

Women are the sponges for spilt blood.

I know that you feel deeply, a lot more than others do.

You think that makes you “too different” and sometimes being “different” hurts because of all the blood there is to soak up.

I love you as if you were my own skin, because I know how it feels to sit in a room,

Filled with people who find you unloveable.

Your strength and mine are one in the same.

You are not a boulder obstructing the path to love.

You are a vessel filling the crater with love,

And you are boundless, a vessel that can pour infinite amounts in loads.

 

*****************************************************

MohadesaMohadesa Najumi is a writer, an aspiring political scientist and intersectional feminist. Her work has been featured in the Huffington Post, CounterPunch and GreenLeft Weekly. Her research interests include democratic theory, post-representative societies, political power and inclusion, intersectional feminism, women’s rights, existentialism philosophy, gender binaries, secularism, challenging the traditional, liberal paradigm, post-colonialism, development, Latin America, MENA, U.S foreign policy and global social, resistance and revolutionary movements. Mohadesa blogs regularly here and tweets at @mohadesareverie.

 

**Posted with permission from Mohadesa.  Thank you for sharing your beautiful talents!

Find the original here.

LMR Saturday Survivor – Inspirational Stories from the Front Line

 

Victory Woman

One Year Narc Free…

~Submitted by KarinKateriKei – The Eclectic Poet~

This time last year, I was out with my best friend.

My best friend and the one who essentially staged a one-woman intervention to get me away from the Narcissist Predator who had stolen my life and was on track to take it.

I was out without the phone that he’d given me and I was not answering his calls or texts on my phone. Out of the house for the first time in months.

The day was the most bizarre and complex amalgamation of the things I hold most dear and of throwing off the shackles that he’d managed to place on me after nearly two years.

She stayed with me even after he’d been abusive with her, thinking that he’d come around. She stepped in after seeing that I was exhibiting all the classic signs of Battered Wife Syndrome. She literally put herself and reality between him, his abuse and lies and saved my life.

I know more now about Narcissist Predator Abuse than I wanted to but I also know the unwavering love and honour of true friendship.

This shit’s real. Get help. Trust your gut. Trust your friends. Je te remercie, ma sœur d’un autre monsieur.

One year Narc free last weekend…

~ kei

Originally posted on The Eclectic Poet and re-posted here with Kei’s generous consent.

Forgiving the Narcissist – Is Your Ego the Culprit?

 

devil-on-shoulder

Your Ego

There are several factors at play when choosing to remain in a toxic relationship.  But did you know your ego may be the most prevalent?

In fact, your ego is just as convincing as the Narcissist in your life.  But the difference between your ego and your abusive partner is…your ego doesn’t mean to be cruel.  It’s acting out of fear of abandonment and low self-esteem.

Your ego is the reason you obsess about your partner after they discard you.  It’s the reason you invite the Narc back in after a brief stint of No Contact.  It’s the reason you believe…maybe this time he’ll change.

Your logic and intuition know that things will never change with the Narcissist, but we often listen to our ego instead.

To give you an idea of how your ego works, here is an example:

Narcissist:  “I didn’t mean those things I said, I was just angry.  You know I can’t live without you.  You’re my one true love.  I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want you.  Please give me one more chance.  I’ll prove to you how much I love you.”

Your Logic and Intuition:  “You know from experience this won’t end well.  Did he/she change the last fifty times?  No.  You need to respect yourself and tell him/her it’s over.  He’s lying, don’t fall for it.”

Your Ego: “What if he really means it?  Look at his face…he must be sincere.  Remember that time he brought you flowersWhat if he’s serious this time and you give up on him too soonThen, you’ll be all alone and will have thrown away his love.  Besides, you may never find love again.  You know you need to lose weight.  You know there are pretty women out there.  What if you’re giving up a good thing?  Let’s be realistic.”

Ego is fear-based

Ego is fear-based

Notice how your ego says the same things as your abuser?  It’s almost a no-win situation because you have two voices telling you to stay with the Narcissist.  But…you are forgetting about your logic and intuition.  They are the reason you feel a little sick after forgiving the Narcissist again.

As long as the ego runs your life, most of your thoughts, emotions, and actions arise from fear. In relationships you then either want or fear something from the other person.” ~ Eckharte Tolle

The next time you feel weak and are thinking of caving in to your ego’s demands, simply say to yourself, “Thank you for caring about me, but the fact is I’ll be in more pain from staying than by taking the risk to leave.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore.”

 

The Unbearable Triteness of Being…engaged in conversation with a Narcissist

Frequent, mundane drivel from the disordered that may induce a psychotic break

**Trigger Alert – This post contains possible triggers.  Please proceed with caution.  Also, I use the pronoun “he” for ease of reading.  If your Narc is female, simply replace with “she”.  Feel free also to substitute either pronoun with the nouns cretin, halfwit, or simpleton.

I'm_With_Stupid

Apparel for the Arse-issist in your life…

For those who’ve come to the end of the road with the Narcissist in their lives, they often encounter a conundrum when it comes to analyzing what went wrong.  On occasion, the Narcissist ends the relationship after a painful Devalue and Discard.  Other Narcs will pretend they’re on board with the whole breakup thing, only to have a nuclear meltdown when it becomes obvious their partner is serious.  This second type of Narc is the topic of today’s post.

One of the most common questions I encounter with readers, followers, and clients is, “How can he be so cruel?  I gave and gave to him, and he just used me and took advantage of my good nature.  I don’t understand.” 

It’s crucial to recognize what’s happening when struggling with this quandary.  Most of us who’ve researched Narcissism understand that they project their qualities onto us when “interacting” with us.  Curiously, this is what we do when we wonder why they do what they do and say what they say.  However, we can’t use our rational thinking to analyze the irrational wheedling of the disordered.  After all, can we really be sure there are any synapses going on upstairs with the Narcissist?

Monkey Brain

Inside the Mind of the Narcissist

Allow me to demonstrate via a dialogue:

Narc:  It’s over.  You can never do anything right.  I hate myself for even thinking of giving you a second chance.

You:  What do you mean?  You gave me some areas for improvement, and I’ve worked on them diligently.  I’ve gone to a counselor, tightened up on the budget, and got that second job after you suggested it.  I’ve tried to be a better girlfriend/wife by cooking your favorite meals whenever I can.

Narc:  You didn’t do anything.  You suck, and you’re fat and ugly.

You:  Actually, I’ve lost eight pounds this month, and I’ve made an appointment with an aesthetician to take care of those sun spots you pointed out.  They should be gone in three months or so.

Narc:  Nothing can help you, Medusa.  I’ve been going out with that hot, new secretary at work.  She’s better on her worst day that you are on your best.  She even has breast implants.  I’m moving in with her at the end of the month.  You’ll need to figure out how you’re going to pay all the bills after I leave.

You:  Well, that shouldn’t be a problem, since I’ve been paying all the bills, anyway.  But, more importantly, I thought you said you loved me and wanted to spend your life with me.  What’s changed?

Narc:  You don’t appreciate what I’ve done for you, and you’re no fun.  I’m leaving you for someone who knows a good thing when she’s got it.  Besides, she makes me happy.  We’re soul mates and plan to do things together that will change the world.

The Narcissist and his new Soul Mate

Observe how the Narcissist doesn’t address facts, only throwing out insults in response.  Why?  Because that’s what Arse-issists do.  Everything he says consists of subliminal implanting designed to make you feel unattractive, unworthy, and unacceptable.  And what has he really “done” for you besides exist in the same space, breathing your air?  Regarding his comments about the new girl, which are rather predictable, he’s building her up because he’s found a new source of supply who doesn’t know his epic uselessness. Realize that while he’s laying it on thick about her, he thinks she’s a nincompoop, because that’s what they think of all their targets.

And their plans to “change the world”?  She shared with him some dream she has and he hopped on that like tie dye on a hippie in order to give her a sense of kindredness.  In reality, he dry heaves when he ponders joining her on her mission to help humankind.

A week later…

Narc:  I still love you and am attracted to you.

Translation:  The new girl turned out to be a bigger moron than the Narcissist, and though he will keep her around for some strange, he doesn’t want to lose the control he has over you.  He still has no plans to commit, but saying he loves you and is still attracted will hopefully put you in the role of friends with benefits.

Narc:  I miss you, but you have some anger issues.

Translation:  It’s not his fault you caught him looking at nude pics some bimbo from the bar has been sending him for the past three months.  Nor should he be held accountable for the porn pop-ups on your shared pc, or the fact that you are now getting spam email with promises to enlarge your wanker.

Narc:  I can’t go on without you.

Translation:  You’re the best supply he’s ever had…well, except for the last one who moved across the country to get away from him.

Narc:  Do you really want to break up our family? …followed with a dramatic,Oscar-worthy turn to the children and “Kids, your mother wants to break up the family.”

Translation:  Why don’t you own his crimes and continue hiding his immorality from the children?  In return, he’ll mete out some mind crumbs now and again.  Never mind that the new secretary at work (who turned out to be the bimbo from the bar), is currently preparing to leave her husband so she and the Narc can move into the townhome they put a deposit on last week.

 If a Narcissist speaks, and there’s no one around to hear him…

Notice the one-sided dialogue at the end?  That’s not an oversight.  That’s the sound of the Arse-issist’s target trying to make sense of the senseless, which is pointless.

Don’t be “that target”.  Turn on your heel and leave that cheating and/or lying nut-job to bleat on into oblivion, which is the realm where you’ll end up if you keep lending him your ear.

 

High Five

For comedic purposes only. Do not try this at home…

 

LMR Saturday Survivor – Inspirational Stories from the Front Line

Victory Woman

The Day I Remembered Me

~Submitted by Kim Saeed~

February 11, 2011.  After nearly eight years of marriage to a Narcissist, I remembered me…and left the nightmare of Narcissistic abuse.

Little did I realize I’d been drawn to him partly because of my innate desire to help and heal others.  You see, I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), an Empath, and INFJ on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI).  I was also an unaware co-dependent, and it took a relationship with a cluster-B disordered personality to bring all those tendencies to the surface.

Like me, individuals who share these traits feel such depth of emotion and love towards other people that we believe we can heal them. Because of our tireless efforts to help others believe in themselves, we are often successful in aiding them in overcoming issues of low self-esteem and disempowerment.  Only, with a Narcissist, it’s never enough.  They are empty inside; virtual bottomless vessels.

By the time I left, the depth of trauma caused by emotional and cruel verbal abuse produced symptoms of PTSD – which developed due to the cruelty of abandonment, betrayal, silent treatments, accusations, and the devaluing and discarding that takes place, not to mention being constantly subjected to crazy making behaviors within the relationship.  I suffered from cripplingly low self-esteem and thought I was never good enough, regardless of my accomplishments.  I was in a constant state of anxiety and depression.  These feelings were intensified due to my being an HSP.

Soon after leaving, I was stalked, harassed, spent a night in jail (for charges which were later dismissed), and lost two jobs.  I’d lost faith in myself, my dreams, and was a mere shell of the person I’d been before I met him.

But those are all things of the past.

I write this as a message of hope for sufferers of Narcissistic abuse.  You may feel you’re worthless, unlovable, and that things will never change.  I’m here to tell you they can, but only for you – and only after you leave.  After my “escape”, I graduated from college, am a certified Teacher, Law of Attraction practitioner, Chakra Healer, completing a program to be a Spiritual Healer, have started a practice to help others detach and move forward from Narcissistic abuse, and am pursuing my dream of being a published author. My children are happy, I’m happy, and life has never been better.

If you or someone you know is in a relationship with a Narcissist, I must tell you that they will never change.  The most constructive thing you can do is stop trying to “fix” them and the relationship.  Turn all of that love and caring onto yourself because your love will never make a difference to them.

In closing, I leave you with this moving song, which for me, is symbolic of the hopelessness of being in a relationship with a Narcissist…

Original link:  The Day I Remembered Me.