When He Tells You the First Time…

 

“My dear, why must you be shown 29 times before you can see who they really are? Why can’t you get it the first time?” ~ Maya Angelou

Wonderful question, in hindsight.

Another example of history repeating itself.  But, just as we live through what others have already experienced, we did not experience it ourselves so we have to have our own experience…

Why do we have to learn lessons the hard way?  Why must they literally smack us, shove us, and rub our noses in harsh reality before we comprehend them?

Stubbornness?  Self-doubt?  Conditioning?  Good girls forgive; turn the other cheek; sacrifice their happiness for that of others; stay small, quiet, submissive…

Do we hold onto hope that our fears will be proven wrong?  Repeat the cycle of pain we’ve experienced since childhood, hoping to re-write history?  “I am not going to change, Mommy, Daddy, until you treat me differently when I was six years old.” 

But that’s not going to happen, is it?  We cannot go back in time.  All we can do is change our circumstances in the present moment.

So if, in your present moment, your abusive partner tells you he doesn’t love you, believe him.  Don’t wait for the 29th, 100th, 1000th, 4067th time.  Believe him…the first time.

If he says he doesn’t think you deserve to be treated respectfully; that you’re a disappointment; that it was a mistake to get involved with you; that he’s seeing someone else; that he has other women waiting for him…believe him.

Not because you DON’T deserve to be treated as a worthy partner, but because he’s showing you, telling you who he really is.  You may not be able to erase the time you’ve already spent with him, but what you can do is turn the page, grab a pen, and write a new moment, a new beginning, a different ending.

Reclaim yourself.  Put up a barrier, so that when he opens his mouth to desecrate your unique divinity and your specialness, his words fall apart in mid-air and the letters fall scattered to the ground, where they will be trampled upon as you walk away…pushing them into the dirt; a burial.  In the dirt, where his words belong.  Along the dirt path, until you reach the new.

walking 2

Blog Tour 5/25/15

Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery

 
This post has been included in THE GREAT SOCIOPATHIC ABUSE AND RECOVERY BLOG TOUR! Experienced bloggers on the subject of Sociopathic Abuse and Recovery have joined hands for today to provide their knowledge and support!

You’ll find them all, and their links, listed below:

 

Stop Rape by Fraud

Celebrating Truth in Romance Day, June 15th

http://rapebyfraud.com/2015/05/14/announcing-fess-up-day-june-15th/

 

Better Not Broken

Waffles and Waze: Why Elvis Remains King and It’s Never Too Late For Change

http://betternotbroken.com/2015/05/11/waffles-and-waze-why-elvis-remains-king-and-its-never-too-late-for-change/

 

Love-Life-Om

Just say “No!” to sociopath oppression and possession

https://paularenee.wordpress.com/2015/03/23/just-say-no-to-sociopath-oppression-and-possession/

 

Immigration Fraud Canada

It All Started With a Divorce and What I Perceived As True Affection and Love….

https://immigrationfraudcanada.wordpress.com/2013/04/12/it-all-started-with-a-divorce-and-what-i-percieved-as-true-affection-and-love/

http://www.care4bullied.com/blog/

 

Looking for the light

Tell congress to help New Veterans Keep the Mental Health Medications They Need

http://lookingforthelight.me/2015/05/21/tell-congress-to-help-new-veterans-keep-the-mental-health-medications-they-need/

 

Additional blogs of interest:

Journey of Olivia Rose

Lady with a Truck

Mom’s Heart Unsilenced

Soul Healing Art

All aboard! The train is about to leave the station!

 

Breaking Your Addiction to the Narcissist – The Betty Ford Approach

 

You’ve hit rock bottom.

After being immersed in verbal abuse, degradation, and going through the abuse cycle more times than the moon orbits the earth in a year, you finally realize the Narcissist will never change.

You’ve initiated an attempt at No Contact and tell yourself it’s over this time.  The phone rings.   It’s them, but you don’t answer it.  They leave a voice mail.  You start to hit the delete button, but then you think,Let’s just see what they have to say.

No Contact goes flying out the window as the Narcissist’s voice gives you a high.  Your heart melts with overwhelming pleasure as the words “Baby” and “I miss you” play on the recording.  Your resolve is gone and you wait for the Narcissist to come over, as they said they would in the voice mail…meanwhile, you enter into a state of euphoria.

You ride the illusion of feeling better about yourself and the situation, to the point of believing it will be different this time. This effect of the “Narcissist high” can have a particular appeal if the Narcissist is somatic…meaning there will likely be a sexual incentive. Unfortunately, this false confidence is an effect of the Narc drug and not based on reality. Once Narc users come down from the high, they feel even worse about themselves than they did before, setting themselves up for a pattern of using to try and feel relief, with the effect becoming increasingly short-lived each time.

narc is a drug

You’re addicted to the Narcissist, and you need to implement major rehab – a.k.a No Contact.

The Narcissist Detox

First, going No Contact means the Narc has no way to contact you. Across the forums, commenters discuss how they’ve gone No Contact, but then receive a text, email, or voice mail from the Narcissist.  That’s not No Contact, that’s No Response, and does nothing to change the situation.

Real No Contact means the Narc cannot contact you, period. Not by phone, email, social media, Skype, Tango, nor fax machine.  When you say you’ve gone No Contact, but then leave them with full access to contact you, that means you still want them to contact you…because you’re addicted.

So, what’s the secret to maintaining No Contact?

  1. You must get to a place where you understand your role in the relationship and that your life has become unmanageable.  It means understanding things from the Narc’s point of view. 

The narcissist looks down on their supply; they view them as weak, inferior and worthless, but at the same time, their victim is providing them with a bounty of narcissistic supply.  The more the victim shows their anguish, the more they become narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more powerful the abuser feels. The more important and powerful the abuser feels, the more blatant their verbal attacks become. This “push-pull” scenario leaves the narcissist behaving in ways that say, “I hate you, but don’t leave or you’ll pay”.

They react to any headway on your part as a threat to their narcissistic supply, therefore any show of independence by you will be scoffed at. The narcissist will be merciless in their devaluing of you. The devaluation can be delivered through many different forms; through your own attachment needs, your intelligence, your body, sexuality, creativity etc. At this point, you’ve likely been conditioned, and appear to outsiders that you are a willing partner in the toxic relationship.

Even if you do manage to leave the Narcissist, you are at risk of future re-victimization by other narcissists, because you are primed in a way that other narcs can detect.  That’s why a period of self-work and healing is crucuial before dating again.

  1. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

What have you been accepting from your partner that you would normally think was heinous if it were done to someone else?

Does your partner:  ridicule you (sometimes in front of other people), accuse and blame, withhold affection or resources if you don’t comply, trivialize your accomplishments, judge and criticize, deny, lie, cheat, and/or shout in anger when you express your feelings?

I’m sure they do.  That’s why you’re reading this post.  Look within and ask yourself, how did you get here?  Why are you allowing someone to treat you this way?  Someone who claims they love you, but shows contempt for you at the same time?  That’s not love…that’s a power trip and you’re the one taking the fall.

One reason we stay with an abusive partner is because deep down, we wait eternal for them to validate us and tell us we’re worthy, but it never happens.  Try validating yourself…really love yourself and stop letting someone else abuse your emotions.

  1. Seek through prayer and/or meditation to improve your conscious contact with God and your Divine Self. 

God/Source didn’t put you here to be abused.  Every time you let your partner abuse you, you are allowing abuse against God’s creation.  You are a divine being.  Start seeing yourself as such.

Going No Contact and withdrawing from someone you have a bond with isn’t easy.  There are emotional and biochemical addictions involved.  But your partner will not change.  If you want a different reality for yourself, you must remove part of the equation, and that’s your abusive partner.  In their place, validate and love yourself and you’ll find that eventually, the life and love you want will find you.

Did you break your addiction to the Narcissist in your life?  Please share your success story below!

 

This post ran previously – Breaking Your Addiction to the Narcissist – The Betty Ford Approach.

When Mr. Nice Guy Turns Into a Stalker

 

~ By Jade Joddle ~

Warning – Trigger Alert!

The Borderline Traits Male in Psychosis

Have you ever been in a relationship with or dated a guy who, at first seemed to be perfectly reasonable and normal, but then out of nowhere turned into a scary stalker?

You may have been dating a guy with borderline traits who, due to his insecurity in love, entered an abandonment-triggered psychosis in which he lost control of his actions.

Watch 7 Red Flags of Dating a Psycho

(Voice over is slow to enhance “creepy” feel and nuance)

 

The term ‘Borderline Traits Male In Psychosis’ is my own for describing the kind of guy who is, generally speaking, a good guy except when his scary, stalkerish side emerges in a dating or relationship situation. He wants to love and be loved, but yet, he is so needy that it works against him. He comes on too strong and intense, which makes women run from him. It’s a vicious cycle: his desperation pushes women away, which then triggers a ‘stalkerish psychosis’ in him.

When this psychosis has him under its control, he will do anything, no matter if it is humiliating or even illegal, to get your attention. This happens because while in the grip of psychosis, he has completely lost any sense of self-restraint. If you have been on the receiving end of this possessive and obsessional stalking, you will know that it is very scary indeed.

If you are involved with a borderline traits male who switches into psychosis when his fear of abandonment is triggered, at some point you will likely find the need to take drastic action to get him to respect your boundaries and leave you alone. You may even be surprised by the amount of drama he creates when he becomes aware that you do not want to see him again.

Peeping TomTo offer an example – you may have socialized with him or dated him a couple of times (during which you may or may not have been intimate). However, at some point alarm bells began to ring for you and you decided that you didn’t want to see him again. When he became aware of your loss of interest, unbeknownst to you, he was consumed by psychotic impulses. It was at this point that he stalked you or became aggressive, even violent.

The Warning Signs Are Always There

The psychotic male borderline is not able to hide his possessive and needy nature. While he may have good qualities to his character, he also has a dangerous and unpredictable switch within him.

One minute he may be Mr. Nice Guy who wants to do everything for you, then the next minute he blows up into a jealous rage over something imagined or very small. More than this, he is particularly dangerous because he has no control over his emotional outbursts. Even if he promises you it won’t happen again, he is not in control of this psychotic behavior and, therefore, is virtually unable to keep this promise.

The fact is, if you are involved with a borderline traits ‘psycho’, his fears of abandonment may be triggered at any moment. To be in a relationship with such a guy is like waiting for a ticking time bomb to go off.

Advice: Psychotic male borderlines are not able to control their violent outbursts. If you have seen him switch once, this is a major red flag that this man is not safe.

Can My Love Change the Narcissist?

 

woman-superhero-flying

When you first met the Narcissist, he mournfully depicted woeful tales of his being cheated on, taken advantage of, and having suffered a dreadful childhood.  His parents neglected him and let him down, as have all the women in his life – as evidenced by his “crazy Ex” who kept blowing up his phone as the two of you dined by candlelight.

It felt so real, and all you wanted to do was show him that there is a true and comforting love available for him. Your love…and so you set out on a mission to prove to him that you could love him past all of his wounds and vulnerability.  In the process, you overlooked his transgressions, his verbal abuse, his irresponsibility, and his utter lack of social etiquette.

He just needs me to help him, you perpetually tell yourself.  You shoulder the responsibility when he says you haven’t been understanding.  More so, when you tell him you can’t tolerate the lying, cheating, and mistreatment another day, he responds with the almighty, “I knew you didn’t love me enough!  I knew you’d give up on me!  You only care about yourself!”, thus effectively kicking your guilt into overdrive and renewing your resolve to show him “unconditional love”.

After all, there just might be some hope for him yet, right?

Well, not really.  In fact…

Aint-Nobody-Got-Time-for-ThatMaybe his parents were rotten, low-down scoundrels, but alternately, they may have been of the ilk that over-praised him, never teaching him accountability or empathy towards other people.  The cold truth is that you’ll probably never know, and it doesn’t really matter.

Because there’s absolutely no amount of love on the planet that will change his self-serving, other-defeating behaviors.  

He takes it in, processes it and it winds up in the same wasteland as yesterday’s meatloaf (you’ll need to use your imagination here).  That’s right, he eats love and caring for lunch and synthesizes it for his survival.  He doesn’t care where his next meal comes from, as long as it satiates his appetite and keeps him going.

Meanwhile, he rides along on the coattails of your desire to show him that love can conquer all, never really caring about your efforts, sacrifices, or heartbreak.  Every time you forgive him, he eats out on it for a while…going about his usual crimes as you bask in the afterglow of believing there’s another chance to make the relationship work.

Then, when you happen upon his online dating profiles, you fall into another swirling eddy of despair, wondering what you did wrong to drive him to do such a thing.  After all, he told you he wouldn’t be forced to do that if you were “different”, never really giving you his definition of the word and keeping you strung along with the “possibility of salvation”.

 And that’s the way it will always be, regardless of the amount of effort you put in.

I hear from women all the time, “Maybe he’ll finally get it.”,   “Maybe I’m not doing enough for the relationship.”,   “I know there’s a hurt, insecure little boy in there…I’ve seen him.”

Narcissists are very good a playing the victim.  Haven’t you noticed that when you try to describe your pain and confusion, he turns on the pity-party persona and insists he’s the one who’s suffering?

Don’t listen to his words.  Observe and analyze facts. 

Okay, so he’s the one hurting while you’re the one putting in all the effort and sacrifice while he:

  • Continues affairs and sexcapades with nary a pause.
  • Insists on putting a password on the front screen of his cell phone. In fact, all of his electronic devices are on lock-down like a federal penitentiary.
  • Engages in nuclear meltdowns that make a two year-old look like a Zen master.
  • Verbally and emotionally abuses you and keeps you in a constant state of fear, doubt, and self-loathing.
  • Shacks up with the new supply, but continues to come around for occasional hook-ups.
  • Tells you you’re too paranoid, needy, and crazy.

I’ll stop there.  To further drive the point home, that “Crazy Ex” from the beginning of this post that blew up his phone during your romantic, candlelit dinner?  That was most likely a combination of his Ex (who he was stringing along), plus a few other of his women in varying phases of devaluing and silent treatments while he inducted you into his harem.

To answer the question, Can my love change the Narcissist?  

Your love can’t change the Narcissist, but it can change you. 

I don’t mean to sound cliché here, but the truth is there are reasons why you are drawn to an emotionally unavailable, exploitative, black hole of a partner.  These reasons might include codependency, being an “abandoholic”, recreating past painful relationships, and/or trauma-bonding.  Whatever the case may be, your love won’t change anything while you direct it at the Narcissist, but you can love yourself back to health…though you’ll need to detach from the emotional terrorist you call a partner and resolve to love yourself instead.  

Self Forgiveness

Self-Love is Your Path to True Emotional Freedom

 Trying to make it work with a Narcissist is like shoveling the sidewalk while it’s still snowing.

 

Mother’s Day Inspiration for Hurting Hearts

 

Children kissing mom

Mother’s Day is a day of festivity, joyful reflection, and special moments between mothers, their spouses, and their children.

For some, it is a time of sorrow and pain.

As a global community, we’re now discovering that many of our wounds and triggers can be traced back to childhood.  Some of us grieve over our lost early years, having had parents who were ignorant in the ways of insightful child-rearing.  Perhaps they married and had us too young.  Still being kids themselves, they made many mistakes that, sadly, left us scarred in some way.  They emulated the ways of their own mothers and fathers, which typically included physical and/or corporal punishment and expected us to be small adults.  You know… the whole “I’m going to give you something to cry about” routine.  Believing things such as “Don’t pick the baby up when he or she cries because then they’ll expect it every time”, “Children should be seen and not heard”, “Spare the rod, spoil the child”, and similar parenting approaches that virtually left entire generations finding the need to seek out intense psychological counseling and anti-depression/anti-anxiety medications.

Others weren’t subjected to the above offenses, but were left alone while their parents worked.  Their whole childhood spent with babysitters, nannies – or in some cases – as latch-key kids.  They may have had a “decent” childhood on the surface, but didn’t receive the warm, nurturing acceptance and acknowledgement that their counterparts in the aforementioned scenario also desperately wanted and needed.

Still yet, some had parents who were narcissistic.  If you had a narcissistic mother, she likely not only engaged in all the above-mentioned transgressions (which were mostly done out of ignorance in the case of the young and inexperienced), but many others that left their children in a particular state of abandonment grief and emotional turmoil – generally out of spite and malice.

By all accounts,  Mother’s Day can bring with it a renewed sense of guilt and obligation, which some mothers take advantage of to the fullest, whether narcissistic or not.  Some ACONs and survivors of a painful childhood have mustered up the courage to go No Contact with their Narcissistic mom or dad, that being the only way they could stumble towards their own survival.

Modern-Day Motherhood

As you read this, there are also mothers out there who are struggling to live up to the expectations of motherhood, especially if they had painful childhood experiences.  These mothers slog along, doing the best they can with what they know, over-stressed, under-supported, and feeling a desperate sense of failure.  In many cases they are being narcissistically or emotionally abused inside of their current marriage or relationship.

A common concern I hear from women is, “I feel so disconnected from my children” or, “I feel so badly because I want to show my children how much I love them, but I just don’t have the time, strength, or emotional resilience”.

I know what that feels like.  I remember times when all I could do was lie on the couch or on my bed, only getting up to give my children a meal, and then I’d go back to lying down, unable to muster up the energy for anything else a mother is expected to do.  I was utterly exhausted from all of the emotional and biological processes going on inside of me within my own abusive marriage.  Even more challenging, my wounded inner child vied for my attention, making it hard to determine whether I should meet my own emotional needs or those of my children.

On rare occasions, I’d force myself to take them out to eat or to the park, but then we’d settle back into days of my not being fully present with them.  Admittedly, this could have had the same emotional effects on my children as if I’d willfully left them to their own devices.  It was inconsistent mothering, just in a different context.

This is a common situation for women who are involved in narcissistically abusive relationships.  Generally, they have been abandoned by their abusive partners and left to take care of their children alone.  Even in shared custody situations, the woman tries to counteract the negative effects of their children being under the toxic influence of their disordered father.  On top of that, when the children are with their father, she is bombarded with harassing text messages, phone calls, and last-minute changes in plans (on his part), never really having the opportunity to heal or self-regulate.

So, what does this all mean? 

Regardless of whether our mothers were raised by ignorant parents or are narcissistic, our main commonality is that we all hurt.  The dynamic between our younger self and our mother plays itself out through the course of our lives. When the element of basic trust in one’s mother is unstable, it can negatively influence the expectations for all other relationships in our lives.

However, whether you are a mother or not, we all have a younger self that lives inside of us.  One that needs acknowledgment and nurturing.  Take this day to reflect upon what changes you can make in your life in order to stop simply surviving and be able to enjoy life and your relationships.  What might that entail?  Only you can answer that.  You might consider leaving an abusive relationship, going No Contact with an abusive parent, making time for yourself so you can meet your own emotional needs; perhaps all of those things.

Turn Mother’s Day into Your Day

Some of you may have the opportunity to improve your relationship with your mother; while others of you are coming to the realization that you can’t fix what your mom has no intention of fixing.  Maybe you should back away and improve the relationship with yourself.

You are a marvelous being.  You don’t have to do anything to be worthy of love, though you still need it.  One first step you can take is to start showing yourself that love.  Rescue yourself.  Make a plan for a better life and then get to work.  It’s not going to happen on its own.

Some of you are already doing what you need to do – standing up for yourselves while scared or despondent.  I recently spoke to a woman who is living out of her van because she made the decision to leave a situation that wasn’t honoring her as an individual.

In fact, when I decided to change my own life, I made some very risky moves and at times didn’t even have money for a cup of coffee.

It’s scary as hell, but only by going into the unknown can you have a chance for a better life.  Often, your circumstances will get worse before they get better, but it’s just another step on your path to transformation.  It’s your bridge to yourself.

Book Cover

If you’ve been considering making changes in your life, get your digital copy of How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!, which is a hand-guide for going No Contact – whether it be with an abusive partner or parent.

(Copies are also available from Smashwords, Apple iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, OverDrive, Flipkart, Oyster, Scribd,  Baker & Taylor’s Blio or Axis360). 

In His Words: My Poisonous Relationship – a story of betrayal and death

 

Cross Bones

 By ~ Anonymous

I lay on the bed.  It was about to happen again.  I had a sick sensation beginning from my torso and upward.  The sensation coursed up and slowly to my head every time – following the hallucinations.

I had lost over twenty pounds in two weeks and the doctors could find nothing wrong.  I would become violently sick at times, only to lie in bed and hallucinate other times.  Still no diagnosis.  The high-priced antibiotics did nothing for my condition.  They suspected food poisoning, but food poisoning does not last for four months.  However, other poisoning can…such as a slow and deliberate poisoning.

As I lay in bed, I could hear my then- wife speaking with someone on the phone.  She sounded angry.  And she should’ve been angry with me for being this sick (this is genuinely what I thought at the time).  She would occasionally peer in the door just to look at me, then close it and resume her argument…with whom I didn’t know.  At the time I suspected it was her mother, though now I recognize it was her boyfriend.  Who – by the way – mysteriously died during our divorce proceedings several years later.  Did he know too much?  We will never know.  It’s strange how this 39 year-old, healthy man died in the middle of our divorce.  (Not to mention, several other men who were involved with her in some way – and all of their pets.)

This was still not my wake up call to an insanely abusive relationship at the hands of the woman I thought loved me.  That would come later.  Much later.

I mysteriously recovered, but still experience tell-tale symptoms to this day.  This is only the tip of the lying iceberg I married.

I will characterize her this way – she was never happy.  She never smiled genuinely.  She was impossible to get close to and never showed one ounce of gratitude, no matter how much I did for her.  One Friday in particular, I had gotten off work early.  I’d mowed and preened the lawn to perfection, cleaned the house (laundry included), made dinner arrangements for the kids (for when they got home from private school), and made dinner arrangements for the two of us.  I bought flowers and wine to be at the ready for when she pulled up from her part time job as a teacher (really more of a glorified daycare worker as she has no degree).

As I sat in the perfect evening sun, I knew there was nothing she could complain about.  It was all done.  Nice home, thriving businesses, caring husband, great kids… But no, I was wrong.

I finally got the nerve to ask her. “Why can’t you say something nice? Anything? Why can’t you just say something nice to me?”

Her response, “I’m not going to kiss your ass”.

THIS was my wake up call.  I finally realized I had wasted all of my time and was about to be dragged through divorce court.  And any man who’s been with one of these women knows how devastating this can be as they tear apart everything you worked for and divide it between the “wife” and the lawyers.  The men and children lose nearly every single time in that arena.

But this isn’t how a narcissistic spouse views it.  They love it.  They relish in the drama and mess.  It was apparent she loved every minute of it.

To go back a decade and a half, you would not know that this was going to happen.   She at least pretended to love me.  She was my other half.  We did many things together early on, only to have her turn into something entirely different.  Perhaps early on, I had lost my temper and I was not perfect, to be fair.  But I now know how these situations can be provoked, especially if you are a young man.  So I was always trying to “make up” for any misgivings, but I never was able to.  They were held against me every day for years and years.  Never mind any of hers.  Those were off limits.

I questioned things she had said that did not make sense only to be met with her fits of crying.  I could never get a straight answer.  By this time, we’d had our first child and it was clear that I must stay committed and do my best with this (I realize now) narcissistic personality-disordered person.  And I did.  I gave it my best…every…single…day.  But, it was never enough.  I was only met with sour attitudes, put-downs and a general sense of dread.  The air was always thick with her contempt for me.

Most days were filled with silent treatments and punishments…for what, I don’t know.  I was always compared to others that were supposedly “better” than me.  She reserved her kindness and manners for anyone that wasn’t me or my friends.  Later, all of my friends (but one) said she used to give them snotty looks when I wasn’t looking.  I guess this was her attempt to isolate me from people who cared about me.  And she was successful to some extent.  On this note I would like to describe meeting new people that she already knew.  Almost without exception, if I were introduced (which was rare) to someone she already knew, they would be very cool and stand-offish.  I realize now this is what’s referred to as a smear campaign.  I also know it happened the whole time I was with her.  I just couldn’t get it until much later.  I will never know what was said about me, but it is clear it was not good.   I had a reputation that preceded me wherever she’d gone first.  Playing the victim is very powerful.  She had this down to a “t”.

Lies, deception, put-downs, veiled threats and emotional terrorism.  This is what I lived through and with for nearly twenty years.  I did not know better at the time.  I thought eventually she would be happy.  But, being happy never works for the narcissist.  It doesn’t fit the script.  But a dead husband with a life insurance policy does.  Not only would she benefit financially, but just think of all the sympathy she would get! Oh that poor woman.  Her husband has died.  Now her bank account is fat and her lover had to take over to help with the estate.  Poor, poor little waif.  And he was so young!

But, I ruined the plan.  I did not die.  I don’t know if she ran out of poison or just gave up.  To this day, I have a briefcase full of evidence that investigators do not want to see.   I pity the poor fellow she is with now.  I would tell him, but he wouldn’t believe me.  Like everyone else the narcissist knows, he has been co-opted into her drama.  Besides, I would merely be a jilted ex-husband who just needs to “get over it”.

Towards the end of the divorce, I had not even a chance to know what I had done wrong.  What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment?  She never told me except to say, “I didn’t tell, and now it’s too late!”  Crazy thinking.  She did tell me that she wanted to “drive with the windows down and the radio loud” and that was why she was tearing everything I worked so hard for to shreds.

Maybe in her shallow mind that was reason enough.

Who cares what anyone else wants?   Who cares if they don’t fit the narcissist’s drama? I can tell you, the end began when I started asking for something…anything.  A kind word.  A thank you.  Anything.  I began to “wake up” and started seeing her for the monster she is.  Then I became obsolete in her world.  It was time to take everything she could from me.  That was her cue.  I was on to her.

Very strange, how she treated me at the end.  As if she were mailing an envelope, or making a phone call.  Just business.  No emotion whatsoever, as she went about destroying everything that meant anything to me.

Thank God I finally woke up.

It does get better.  Today I don’t have nearly the panic attacks I once had.  I am virtually “no contact” with her and some of the other people in my life, who I now recognize as personality disordered.  I am thankful that I have the rest of my life to be happy and away from such evil…and make no mistake, narcissists are evil.  They will chew up your soul if you let them.

Today I have no intention of letting anyone do anything like that ever again.  I am sane.  I am clear.  I am whole.

Please share,

Anonymous

A Lesson in Self-Love after Narcissistic Abuse

 

sitting-on-a-dock

I sat down to write him another email…

The words poured out effortlessly.  I wanted him to understand how neglected I felt; how vulnerable and insecure his actions made me feel.

Then, before hitting the “send” button, I decided to save my rant as a word document, instead.  Doing so seemed like the mindful thing to do since, realistically, it wasn’t up to him to repair my feelings of insecurity.  An email tsunami to my partner wasn’t the answer.  It was unfair to expect him to fix my feelings of unworthiness, even if his actions (or inaction) were what triggered my feelings of fearful vulnerability in the first place.

In fact, if your partner is a Narcissist, he or she will only use your vulnerability against you and make it worse.

But, my new partner wasn’t a Narcissist (at least I didn’t think so)…and maybe I was driving him away with my insecurity.

I decided in that moment to back away from the relationship a little.  To allow myself the opportunity to sit with my feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and fear.  Only by doing this and realizing I had more work to do, would I ever get to a place of true serenity.  The thought of being alone frightened me, but it had to be done.  If we were meant to be, things would work themselves out.

Only I could fix my insecurities, not anyone else.

Even though he had acted in ways that triggered my fears, I needed to trust my higher power. Maybe, just maybe, our relationship wasn’t meant to be and I was trying to force it because I was afraid.  Perhaps our relationship was only meant to be temporary, another catalyst to help me grow and evolve.

I had to feel the fear and do it, anyway.

So, I decided to gently tell my partner I needed time away from our relationship.  If our love was meant to be, we would find a way back to one another.

But, I had to find the way back to myself first.

Emotional abuse and covert narcissism

Emotionally Distant

Covert narcissism (or any covert, cluster B personality disorder) is very difficult to put your finger on. Many people waste years of their lives with covert narcissists trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Once they discover that it could be covert narcissism, they waste further time questioning if it’s really the case or not.

The reason for this is that many of us do not have clear in our minds what abuse is. We often think of abuse as only being physical and don’t clearly define what emotional abuse is. On top of this, covert narcissists are very good at covering up emotional abuse, denying that they are being emotionally abusive and actually projecting it on to you to the point where you doubt your own instincts and start to believe that it is you who has the problem.

Covert emotional abuse is very real and once you have identified it you must treat it with the same severity as you would physical abuse.

We may not clearly recognize emotional abuse for many reasons. These reasons include not having a strong sense of self, which is common in empaths and highly intelligent self-taught people, growing up to put another person first, being covertly emotionally abused as a child or simply not having your unique abilities nurtured and valued. There are as many reasons as there are people that make us vulnerable to emotional abuse, but all of the reasons have the same result. Having no boundaries or having flexible boundaries and a tendency to put other peoples’ needs first.

Highly intelligent and successful people often fall victim to covert abuse because of flexible boundaries.  Flexible boundaries are common in intelligent people who like to keep an open mind and not be judgmental and who often learn and grow by doubting and questioning themselves and the environment around them.

In addition to this, covert abusers are experts at probing, testing and reducing personal boundaries little by little over large periods of time.

Following, I will cover how we develop boundaries and give some examples of techniques used by covert emotional abusers to test and reduce boundaries and examples of emotional abuse.

Boundaries and emotional abuse

Let’s start by looking at what personal boundaries are. Personal boundaries are normally established when we are children.  We learn by the examples set around us of what type of behavior is acceptable and just how much we should tolerate in given situations.

Instead of being taught to have very strong personal boundaries, we are often taught that it is better to forgive, to give people the benefit of the doubt, to be understanding, to help others as much as possible and to accept that everyone makes mistakes. These are all valuable and important qualities and should always be employed with other people who share the same values. However, something that we are not taught is the very sad fact that there exists a growing number of people in society who cannot feel love, do not have empathy and use these qualities in other people to their advantage. This of course does not mean that we should not continue to have these human values and qualities, but it does mean that we have to start being taught the importance of personal boundaries in conjunction with these valuable qualities and to realize immediately when these boundaries are being crossed. Putting boundaries in place and not allowing people to cross them is the development of self-respect. This starts by recognizing that your qualities are valuable and are not to be squandered on people who will not value them and then to recognize very early on when you are being abused.

Narcissists, sociopaths, histrionics and psychopaths will, without exception, push people’s boundaries to the limit, break them, extract what they need from the person, then leave them feeling as they have no self-worth and obsessing about the person who did it to them. If they come across a person who has strong boundaries they will either have nothing to do with them, as they cannot extract what they need from them, or they will see it as their greatest challenge and set to work at chipping them away, thus providing them with the buzz of a lifetime when they succeed.

Breaking down a confident, successful person with strong boundaries is the ultimate in narcissistic supply.  It is, however, quite hard work and so they will have be working on an easier target simultaneously or on targets who are at different stages of being broken down.

Once a person is completely broken down, they will abuse them until they have nothing left to give or offer, then leave. They will then return when their target has begun to heal and/or has something further to give or something further to break down.

You should not underestimate the danger of having one of these types of disordered person in your life and the damage that they can cause. It is important to recognize them, name them and keep them away from yourself and the people that you love.

The Realm of the Narcissist

The Realm of the Narcissist

 ~ by Ether

Whilst we live in a world full of beauty, love, depth, feelings, thoughts and experiences, narcissists do not. They don’t possess the capability to see such a world, nor to appreciate anything in it, including you, and so they don’t waste any time there trying. They prefer instead to bring people into their maze realm that they can control.

Narcissists cannot operate in any profound way with another person, nor are they interested in learning how to.  But, they are desperately dependent upon other people to survive, to progress, to receive praise, and to fulfill their hidden uncontrollable and incurable desire to frustrate, humiliate or destroy, often as covertly as possible so that they can enjoy the other person’s confusion.

Narcissists cannot offer any type of insight, recognition, responsiveness, or reciprocation that is part of a healthy and fulfilling life; they can in fact only operate within a very limited realm of their own making. They can only control the people who willingly come into this realm and stay in it.

The problem is that most people do not realize that they willingly walked into the narcissist’s unhealthy maze realm.  They thought they were following the path to a reciprocal relationship with a person who was just holding a part of themselves back, not a person who was totally incapable of love and hiding a selfish and ill-willed agenda.

Once a person has entered into this maze realm, the narcissist truly believes that they do not have to be held responsible for anything that he or she does to the other person, especially anything he or she does NOT do for the other person, because the other person willingly volunteered themselves up to them and it is their own choice to stay – no matter the weather.

Narcissists try to keep people in their maze realm for extended periods of time by employing a variety of well documented, tried, and tested techniques. These techniques include intimacy followed by the silent treatment, intermittent praise and flattery with progressively longer periods in-between, saying and acting in contradicting ways, using language that can have different meanings, passive aggression, the push-pull technique, etc.  All are designed to keep you focused on them and to keep you trying harder to get closer to them whilst making sure that it never happens, as really, there is literally nothing to get closer to.

These manipulation techniques are very easy to employ if you do not have feelings or very much interest in other people.  Whilst you are in the narcissists’ realm you are in a perpetual state of trying to resolve an unresolvable mystery.

In truth, the mystery is that there is nothing more to them. Nothing. Yes, they enjoyed (perhaps even intensely) moments with you, but not in the same way that you did.  There is no deep impact on them afterwards; to them it is like they have just watched an enjoyable film, nothing more.  Their deeply ingrained self-serving dysfunction always kicks back in again no matter how much they seemed to connect at any moment by mirroring you. They are just attractive actors.

Narcissists are one dimensional, they cannot love and only care about themselves. The longer that they can confuse you into believing that there is something more to them, or that it is leading towards something special, or that you are helping them to become a better person, the more they can get out of you now or in the future.

To leave the realm of the narcissist is to turn off the spotlight that is on them and put the big light on. To see them for how disappointingly dull they really are beneath their façade and to see how deeply fascinating you are.  Yes you, the person looking for the answers so that you can leave the nightmare, so that you can grow, for you are the truly interesting one. The next step is to convert them into a distant memory, little by little, by putting no contact between you and them so that later you can focus your energy on you and your life. Which, in no sane world, is where a complex, loving, multifaceted, deep person like yourself is catering to the needs of a predictably dull, one dimensional narcissist.

Book Cover

If this sounds like your experience and you’re ready for a change, let me be the first to tell you that life CAN absolutely be different. It may not happen overnight, but it starts with having the vision.  You are not here to be your partner’s emotional punching bag.  However, it’s important to come to terms with the fact that you have to let go of the things you have no control over and that includes the expectation that somehow your partner will finally “get it”.  It includes accepting that the only way your life can be different is to focus on the things you CAN change.
If you’ve suffered the pain of narcissistic abuse, I’d love to give you tools to let go of the hurt – and develop new ways of thinking, and even dating.  You can find out everything you need to know in my book, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! For those of you who need extra support,  I also offer No Contact coaching helping clients leave their toxic partner and move on from the hoovering and false promises.  

Narcissists – Lies They Tell and the Secrets They Keep

 
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Narcissists will rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.

You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if he’s lying or telling the truth?  That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.

Our “gut feelings” are called that for a reason — research suggests that emotion and intuition are very much rooted in the “second brain” in the gut.  In fact, Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, says, “The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain.  It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity”.

But don’t take my word for it.  You can read all about it on Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Backup Brain.

My job here is to give you a breakdown of how the Narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological manipulation – lies in your face while keeping hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees.  Below, I map out the four most common lies of narcissistic husbands, boyfriends, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy – and the secrets they’re keeping from you.

Lie #1

“Baby, I’d never do that to you.  You mean everything to me.  You and I are soulmates, remember?  I’d lie down and die for you.  The fact that you’re even suggesting I’ve been unfaithful is almost more than I can bear.”

Hidden Secret – He very much IS doing that to you.  Those texts he gets at inopportune times, the hypervigilance in keeping a passcode on the home screen of his phone, the weird disappearances, the snake-like aura…those are all signs that he’s still seeing his Ex (or co-worker, boss, neighbor, etc.)  In fact, he’s telling her the same lie above as he’s saying to you.  Don’t fall for his excessive charm and candy-coated untruths.  In fact, you may want to start writing everything down so your logical mind can make connections and see patterns that your brainwashed mind is sweeping aside.

Lie #2

“I never made that promise to you.  I have no idea what you’re talking about.  It’s clear that you misunderstood what I said.” Or, “I don’t recall that specific conversation, but whatever I said wasn’t meant in the way you understood it”.

Hidden Secret – You do remember it correctly, and you understood it perfectly.  This is a classic example of gaslighting.  Whatever promise he made to you was a flagrant lie made during a hoovering episode, or made to cover up another lie that you discovered to divert your attention away from the fact that he was LYING.

Lie #3

“I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m a sex/porn addict.  I’ve been trying to work on it, but I just thought I should be honest with you in case it comes up.  I hope you can work with me through this issue.  Don’t give up on me, baby.  It’s no reflection of my feelings for you, I swear.”

Hidden Secret – He has absolutely no intention of changing this little habit of his.  He just threw the card on the table so that if you shuffled it into the mix, you’d have no recourse when it comes up (and it WILL come up).  This is another blueprint behavior of the lowly, and Narcissists (generally of the overt, somatic, histrionic type) say this to every single one of their partners.  Why?  Because they’re deep in the middle of online dating and porn sites, fapping left and right, sending pics of their nether-regions to various prospects, serial cheating, participating in bi-sexual “curiosity”, and sometimes…even pedophilia.  It’s just a matter of time before you find out, and he wants to smooth the way for when that happens.

Lie #4

“I’ve been thinking about what you said.  I know it’s important to you, so I’ve decided to go to counseling.”

Hidden Secret – This is a ploy to keep you in the queue for as long as humanly possible.  During all of my time studying narcissism and working with clients, not one case has seen a happy ending because of the narcissist’s humanitarian, soul-searching “decision to go to counseling”.  In fact, it usually ends in their victim needing their own therapy because of the tricks and mind-games that ensue.

Cartoon Woman Consoling Friend 2

I wish I had better news, but you could spend the next ten years of your life negotiating, compromising, educating, begging, crying, and crawling, but you’ll still never get the Narcissist to see your point of view.  Not only will they not see your point of view, they will still be carrying out all of the above atrocities in ten years, plus ones you won’t even know about.

I think you deserve better.

I think the nicer thing to do for yourself would be to take a few days pondering what your relationship is bringing you on a heart and soul level, start listening to your intuition,  and make your decision to stay or leave accordingly.