5 Things You Can Do Instead of Checking Your Phone and Email Like a Maniac

 

Having a hard time going No Contact?  Told your disordered partner you’re through, yet continue to check your phone and email like Hem and Haw in Who Moved My Cheese, counting on the texts and emails to be constant?  Feeling like the world’s biggest loser when you find nothing…or, feeling like you just took a hit of morphine when you find a simple ‘hi’ from the object of your misery?

Almost everyone who’s been in a relationship with a disordered Cluster-B  has experienced the special hell of “electronic repetition compulsion”.  Some sufferers of this condition have even lost their jobs because they couldn’t get a handle on this destructive, self-defeating behavior.

So what’s one to do?  The urge to constantly check texts and emails from an abusive Ex is one of the strongest urges to overcome and has been compared to giving up an addictive substance.  For starters, it’s important to realize that this urge is simply a hidden desire to rewrite history and its origin often goes back to one’s difficult childhood, which is usually how we subsequently end up with an emotionally abusive partner. Instead of checking your phone, do this:

  • Go No Contact.  It’s the only path to true freedom.  As long as you leave a crack open, you’ll keep going back to it like a dog to its vomit.  If you take away the source, there’s nothing to check.

If you haven’t gone No Contact, here are some simple exercises to put in place until you do:

  • Take the battery out of your cell phone. Settle down with a good book for a few hours.

ridiculous_book_titles

  • Instead of checking your messages, eat chocolate. You’ll get a rush of endorphins instead of victim peptides.

chocolate_health

  • Keep a rubber band around your wrist. Each time you’re tempted to check your phone or email, snap it…hard.

Rubber-Band

  • Start a project.  Keep your mind occupied.

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  • Identify your danger zones.  There are times that you’re more inclined to indulge than others. Recognize when those times are, and do something that is incompatible with checking your phone.

ledge

 

On second thought, wouldn’t it be easier to just go No Contact?

 

 

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How to Detach, How to Let Go of Attachments, Releasing, and Emotional Mastery

The author of this video specializes in relationships, but his video on releasing attachments is one of the best I’ve come across…I hope it will help those of you struggling with No Contact. Namaste.

 

Recovery and The Phoenix Process

The_phoenix_rises

“Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” ~Pema Chodron

There seems to be a dramatic increase in the number of people suffering at the hands of Narcissistic abuse.  The partners they loved abused them and killed their spirit; they don’t know how or where to start over.  They keep repeating the same patterns throughout their lives and don’t know how to escape the cycle.  Subsequently, they fall into a state of despair and depression, losing hope in the future and the idea of ever finding real love.

These states of tumult may be the most powerful catalyst of awakening, in the sense that the events they give rise to are usually transformative.  Many have found enlightenment after intense periods of emotional suffering.

The Alchemy of Spiritual Enlightenment

Let’s consider the concept of attachment.  As human beings we are mentally attached to notions, such as hopes and desires related to the future, ideas concerning life, and the image we have of ourselves, including our sense of status, our image, and achievements. These are accessories which become attached to the sense of self but which are not actually part of our authentic self at all.

At the same time, there are more physical attachments, such as possessions, jobs, and other people whose approval and affection we might want. These are the components of the ego. We feel that we are ‘someone’ because we have these possessions and because other people give us approval.

In states of despair, many (if not all) of, these mental attachments are broken, which is why you’re in despair.  The concepts you’ve been depending on for your happiness have been eliminated. Hopes and beliefs are revealed as illusions; your possessions and status have been taken away, you’ve been spurned by friends or lovers.   Thus, you feel naked and lost; your sense of self destroyed. But at this very point you are, ironically, closest to a state of freedom; a state of detachment. Your authentic self has been released from external fabrications.

Consequently, the agony of despair can shift into a state of liberation and joy.

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The Phoenix Process

The Phoenix Process—in honor of the mythic bird with golden plumage whose story has been told throughout the ages. The Egyptians called the bird the Phoenix and believed that every 500 years the Phoenix bird renewed his quest for his true self. Knowing that a new way could only be found with the death of his worn-out habits, defenses and beliefs, the Phoenix built a pyre of cinnamon and myrrh, sat in the flames and burned to death. Then he rose from the ashes as a new being—a strange amalgam of who he had been before and who he had become. A new bird, yet ever more himself; changed, and at the same time, the eternal Phoenix.

You and I are the Phoenix. Our lives ask us to die and to be reborn every time we confront change—change within our self and change in our world. When we descend all the way down to the bottom of a loss, and dwell patiently, with an open heart, in the darkness and pain, we can bring back up with us the sweetness of life and the exhilaration of inner growth. When there is nothing left to lose, we find the true self—the self that is whole, the self that is enough, the self that no longer looks to others for definition, or completion, or anything but companionship on the journey.

The Phoenix Process is a journey that is different for everyone, and therefore, ultimately, it is a trek into uncharted territory. It is unhelpful to compare one person’s journey to another’s—all are different, and one is not more profound or important than another. Very painful situations—the loss of a loved one, a serious illness, a national tragedy—have the power to transform one’s life, but so do less traumatic events. It’s all in the way we approach the changing nature of life; it’s all in the courage to say yes to whatever comes our way; it’s in the way we listen for the messages in the flames and dig for the treasure in the ashes.

Rules of the Phoenix Process

1. Change is the nature of life, and nothing changes without loss, which is a form of death. Death therefore is a prerequisite to change and rebirth. Loss and change, death and rebirth: These are natural, necessary cycles. No one can escape loss and death. Pretending otherwise is exhausting and a huge waste of time. To resist change, loss or death is to say no to life.

2. It’s not easy to participate consciously with change, loss or death. More often than not, we would like to stay asleep to the whole subject. It hurts to lose and to change; it causes us grief. But grief is not a sign of anything being wrong, nor is it a sign of weakness. In fact, grief in the face of loss lubricates the wheels of change. Denial and bitterness are like sticks stuck in the spokes of the wheel; they render us motionless. When we turn toward what is changing—when we keep our hearts open and allow ourselves to feel a loss all the way through—we move with more grace into a new, energetic and constructive phase of life.

3. We can transform loss into growth, change into insight and suffering into joy if we turn and face that which frightens us most about ourselves and our changing circumstances. This takes courage. We may find aspects of our personality that need altering. We may find parts of our lives that can no longer remain the same. We may have to upset old family patterns, adjust ways of thinking, let go of habits. Part of the Phoenix Process is asking for help, learning new ways of doing things, seeking inspiration. We need help to learn how to take the suffering deep inside and to make the process an interior one. As long as we blame others—another person, an institution, a relationship—for our faltering lives, there is little chance of transformation, little hope that we will be reborn as the powerful self that we really are.

Adapted in part from Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow, by Elizabeth Lesser, Villard

Elizabeth Lesser is the co-founder and senior adviser of Omega Institute, the largest adult education center in the United States focusing on health, wellness, spirituality and creativity. Find out more about Omega’s workshops and retreats with some of the leading spiritual teachers of our times at www.eOmega.org.

Suggested Readings

Spiritual Growth and Emotional Maturity Come from Pain

Mrs. Fix-It to the Rescue

Balancing Our Light and Shadow Sides After Sociopath Abuse

 

 

 

 

Vanilla Sky – Unreality with the Narcissist

 

You’ve discovered that your relationship/engagement/marriage with the Narcissist was a reality warp.

No matter how many times you replay history in your mind, you can’t make sense of it or come to grips with what you now know was an illusion…hyperreality.

Hyperreality:  the inability of consciousness to distinguish reality from a simulation of reality; a condition in which what is real and what is fiction are seamlessly blended together so that there is no clear distinction between where one ends and the other begins.   Individuals may find themselves for different reasons, more in tune or involved with the hyperreal world and less with the physical real world.

This hyperreal world is the one we live in with the Narcissist.  Nothing can be taken at face value.  We take on the Narcissist’s version of reality and apply it as our truth.  Like Tom Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky, we exist in a continuous lucid dream state, hoping against hope that the false reality is true, in spite of the frequent implications otherwise. vanilla sky

Carrie Reimer, author of the blog Lady With a Truck, writes about this reality warp with keen insight in her article, Sick Narcissistic S.O.B.’s.  Although she’d begun to pick up on reality towards the end of her abusive relationship, her article demonstrates how easy it is to assume the Narcissist’s attempts at being nice are sincere; although his “being a gentleman” can point dangerously to the opposite.

Reality Warp:  Imagine yourself in the setting she describes, entering the home of the Narcissist where he has your favorite drink ready for you.  He’s dressed nicely and has cleaned his home.  He invites you to take a shower and you accept.  As you cross his bedroom towards the shower, you notice a robe on the bed.  You believe he laid it out for you.  You take your shower, exit and put on the robe, go back to the kitchen and take a sip from your drink.  The Narcissist is playing the guitar and you think you’re being romanced.

Reality:  All of the provisions you’ve just taken part in were actually meant for another lover.  She may have left moments before you arrived, or be expected to arrive soon.

To the Narcissist, all women are one in the same person, in spite of how unique they claimed we were in the beginning of the relationship.  (It’s important to remember that you ARE unique, only that the Narc doesn’t see you that way).

But…

Every passing minute

The irony of hyperreality with the Narcissist is that our version of reality seems so real to us because we love and we want to believe.  However, the Narcissist produces symbols which represent things that do not actually exist.  These symbols often manifest in the form of:

Hoovering – Creating the false illusion that he/she is sorry for their cruelty.  Reality – They don’t love you; they only need you for supply and domination.

Dangling of Carrots – Taking you to look at cars, shopping for homes or engagement rings.  Reality – They have no intention of following through on these things.  They’re simply to keep you hopeful and hooked.

Torn Between Two Lovers – During one of his Silent Treatments, you implemented No Contact, and he put on a show of having been forced into the arms of another lover.  Reality – He’s been grooming new supply for some time now and your attempt at No Contact was the perfect opportunity to begin triangulating.

Escape From Plato’s Cave

Platos CaveOne of the earliest indications of the awareness of hyperreality can be found in Plato’s Republic, specifically, in the Allegory of the Cave.   Socrates describes a group of people who have lived chained to the wall of a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall, and begin to ascribe meanings to these shadows. According to Socrates, the shadows are as close as the prisoners get to viewing reality.

And thus is life with the Narcissist.  The whole relationship is based on shadows of reality.  He is the lie, from hello to goodbye…

Just as Plato’s prisoner is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not constitutive of reality at all, Tom Cruise’s character decides to wake up and conquer his fears by leaping from a rooftop.

Your awakening needn’t be so dramatic.  All you need to do is go No Contact in order to stop living in shadows and illusions.

I wanna wake up! Tech support! It’s a nightmare! Tech support! Tech support!” ~ David, Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky

Open your eyes.

 

Empath Struggling with Overwhelm? Try EFT

 

Follow Elise Lebeau in this simple and powerful EFT Tap Along video!

Reprogram your mind to have positive thought patterns in less than 5 minutes!

Elise Lebeau is a professional intuitive dedicated to helping other Empaths rediscover who they are and what they can do with their Empath skills.

http://www.eliselebeau.com/

But He Says He Still Loves Me…

Broken Hearted

 

He says he still loves me

(**Warning – Trigger alert)

When he looks at you (perhaps adoringly, for effect) and says he still loves you, “in spite of your downward social status, unstable mental capacity, and the fact that you only care about money”, it’s a lie. That’s not to say you’re unlovable, or that what he said is true. It simply means HE doesn’t love you. A person in love doesn’t make this declaration while telling you all the reasons why he shouldn’t love you.  That is covert abuse.

On the flip side, if he thinks you’re serious about leaving he’ll leave out the character attack and simply claim to love you.  He’s come to realize his mistakes, will take responsibility, and promises to change.  How many times did he do this before, only to forget the whole episode as though it never happened (perhaps adding that he didn’t mean it)?

Narcissistic and psychopathic abusers are very capable of making statements such as:

  • I love you.
  • I just want you to be happy.
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • The last thing I want is to hurt you.
  • We’re meant for each other.
  • You’ll never find someone like me.

These are statements they’ve experimented with and observed to have the deepest effect.

Narcissists know exactly what you want to hear and how to say it because it’s always worked.   However, you’ll notice his declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things he says.  The authentic relationship you believe you have with him is only an illusion.  The reality is that it’s a relationship based on inequality because he will never see you as an equal, but someone to dominate.  What you’ll never get from him are qualities such as partnership, intimacy, validation, and goodwill, which are all examples of a true, loving bond.  Instead you will get competition, manipulation, control, invalidation, and hostility.

When the Narcissist says he still loves you, he means he still has use for you; he still wants to control you.

If you experience any of the following, you are in an abusive relationship and should consider leaving:

Character Attacks

A tactic he uses to make you eventually believe the bad things he says about you.  He wants you to stop having faith in yourself. (See paragraph one).  Statements such as, “You’re impossible to talk to”, “You always twist things around”, “You exaggerate everything” (These statements are made by the Narcissist when you try to have a civil conversation in order to relieve themselves of having to consider your perspective.  However, targets of verbal abuse may make these statements in moments of frustration; two different things).

The Narcissist will often also add other comments such as, “You’re too damned sensitive”, “You’re such a cry baby”.

They are masters at making you seem like the unstable one…which is simply an effect from the constant confusion and turmoil.  Have you started to think maybe he’s right…perhaps you are coming off at the hinges?  This means his mind control is working.

Undermining

Does he squash your enthusiasm with condescending comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”?  Does he ambush your ideas by highlighting all the ways in which they might fail?  Refuse to allow you much-needed time alone?

Trivializing

Does he belittle what you say?  Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments?  Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities?  Does he act as if your career is no big deal?

Name-calling

Does he call you demeaning names such as:  Fat*ss, C*nt, Ugly, Loser, Wh*re, Trash, Idiot, Stupid, Dumb*ss, etc?

On the flip-side, does he call you “pet” names with extreme sarcasm, “Honey”…in an exaggerated, drawn out manner and in a louder voice?

Does he call you names and then claim he was kidding, in a “convincing” manner?

Refusal to discuss his feelings

He comes home in an irritable mood and you ask him what’s wrong.  His immediate response may be something like, “What is it with you??  Can’t I come home without being interviewed every single time??

The reason he does this is because he doesn’t feel you deserve any explanations.  In his mind, your place is to shut up and leave him alone.  His goal is that you will eventually accept his abuse without saying anything about it.

It’s also possible that he’s fabricating a fight so he can give you the Silent Treatment while he schmoozes the secret supply source he’s working on.

Refusal to discuss your feelings

You tell him you’d like to have a discussion about how things are going and he says, “Oh God.  Here we go again”, “You’re always trying to start a fight”, “You never leave me alone, do you?”

Part of a truly loving relationship is the ability to communicate openly and diplomatically.  The Narcissist’s goal is to shut down any attempts at communication because they simply don’t care about your feelings.

Left you for someone else, and playing the “Torn between two lovers” act

Did your Narcissist put on a convincing show of how you forced him into the arms of another lover, and then pretend he’s so “addicted” to you that he can’t leave you alone?

Reality – He doesn’t have the new supply hooked yet.  Therefore, while he’s with her, he’s giving her all his best:  Love-bombing, awesome sex, fancy trips, gifts, introducing her to his circle of friends.  That’s right.  Though he has you believing he’s still hooked on you, he’s telling everyone he knows that it’s over between the two of you and slowly infiltrating the new supply.  Once he has her emotionally addicted to him, you’ll be discarded and likely become the other woman.  After all, he has to have someone to release his toxicity onto…and since you’ve always been the “reliable receptacle”, he comes back to you when he’s feeling especially cranky.

It Won’t Get Better

If your partner has been treating you this way, it’s a classic sign of abusive, psychological conditioning. Narcissists stop at nothing in order to win. They never give up – they are relentless. They will drive you to the point of insanity (and the brink of suicide) if you let them.  Don’t hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel with your abusive partner because it will only get darker as you go along.

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
~ Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

**If you’re tired of being deceived and emotionally abused, contact me about creating a new reality for yourself.

 

Apologizing to a Narcissist

Apologizing 2 Narc

 

In a normal relationship, if one has made a mistake, it is typically followed up with an apology.  This usually leads to the other party forgiving you or at least acknowledging your heart-felt attempt at making amends.  Not so with a Narcissist.

When you apologize to a Narcissist, they feel like they have struck gold.  You are always wrong, anyway, so for you to admit a mistake is akin to boarding a train for a one-way guilt trip.  Instead of the situation being dealt with in a mature way, there are a few possible scenarios that will ensue following an apology to a Narcissist:

  1. Self-Righteousness:  This is the equivalent of being pointed at and ridiculed on the playground, with the goal being to make you feel like the biggest idiot in town.  See how wrong you were?  Isn’t it just a load off now that you can see how right they were?  Thank goodness you’ve finally admitted to your senselessness.  Now that you know your place, the both of you can get on with life as usual.  What took you so long, anyway?  Hey, now that you’ve finally admitted to being a moron, how about celebrating…by taking them out to lunch on your dime.  After all, you’re lucky that they’ve decided to throw you a crumb of mercy and acknowledgement.  Eat out on that for a while.
  2. Complete Rebuff:  You’ve been carrying around a bit of guilt about something you said or did during one of your low points (which was brought on by the Narcissist).  You relapse into thinking they have at least a fraction of human emotion and will welcome your apology.  You decide to say you’re sorry…perhaps with a cutesy text or a heartfelt email to convey your regret to them.

Their response is that your actions were the worst they’ve ever endured.  They wondered when you would finally confess to this unforgiveable sin.  The devastation was so awful that they just didn’t have the power to bring it up.  They’ve tried to block it from their consciousness and now know why you’ve never had a successful relationship in your life.  Forgiveness will be difficult but, by the grace of God, they are trying.

Narc Check:  While this is one of the standard responses you can expect after apologizing to a Narcissist, it’s quite possible that whatever you’re apologizing for never even registered with them.  However, now that you’ve highlighted a perceived injury, they will use this as a way to make you feel like the worst person they’ve ever met.  Furthermore, it will become artillery for psychological torture and justification for a future injury they will inflict upon you.

3.  The Rap Sheet: You say you’re sorry about something and they not only chastise you for it, but tack on several other alleged “crimes” you’ve committed.  At the end of the conversation, you will wonder how you ever had any friends or partners in your life at all.  See how flexible they are…how they’ve overlooked your faults because they care about you?  In fact, you may as well forget about ever having another relationship because there’s no way anyone will ever tolerate your criminal behaviors like they do.

Remember how you bought your grandmother a gift, knowing that he needed that money?  What about when you took the day off because your child was sick…didn’t you know he was waiting for your paycheck to pay his personal taxes? How dare you even think of giving two dollars to the Salvation Army bell-ringer?  When are you ever going to get with the program and stop being so selfish?  How do you live with yourself? (Read more about Narcissists and money here).

Narc Check:  This is when the Narcissist will peel a piece of truth from something innocent that you did, and season it with twisted, far-fetched accusations.  These allegations wouldn’t make sense to the average outsider, but you’ve gotten so used to these tirades that you actually start to doubt yourself for throwing that birthday party for your niece.  Maybe you should just deposit your check directly into his bank account next time.  Never mind that you will hate yourself for it.  At least there’s the chance the Narcissist might throw you another crumb.

If you still feel the need to apologize, don’t leave anything to chance.  Try to do it in front of someone and move on, showing no emotion. However, be prepared for the above scenarios.  It may even behoove you to not apologize at all because apologizing to a Narcissist almost never results in a happy ending.  Although it may appear successful at first, there will be certain fallout when you least expect it.  Journal about it, pray about it, but don’t give them the satisfaction.

**Narcissism knows no gender bias.  I use the term “he” for the sake of brevity.  Additionally, these behaviors are more typical of the overt Narcissist, as coverts generally use the Silent Treatment as their main source of punishment.

Self-Forgiveness after Narcissistic Abuse

thenextlesson

When you’ve been devalued and discarded by a Narcissist, it’s a lot like being told you have a deadly disease.  You’re not sure if you will survive.  In fact, part of you may not want to survive because you’re in such emotional agony.  One more day in the aftermath of Narcissistic abuse seems beyond what you can bear.

Describing this fallout to friends and family often leads to additional shame.  They cannot empathize with you because they can’t possibly relate to the stories you tell them regarding your relationship.  Phrases like “he was a jerk anyway”, “just get over it”, and “you’re better off without her” are well-meaning, but do nothing to ease your suffering.

Involvement with a Narcissist is comparable to ingesting small amounts of arsenic over time.  It starts out seemingly harmless, but gradually leads to defects in cognitive functioning, high blood pressure, headaches, and stomach upset.  In severe cases, it can lead to different types of cancer.  It’s no surprise that female victims of Narcissistic abuse seem to have higher incidents of breast and ovarian cancer.

A break-up of this nature goes way beyond a normal break-up.  In addition to the typical stages of denial, grief, anger, the impact of such a union often has profound psychological, spiritual, physiological and financial effects on its victims.  Once a partner does manage to disentangle themselves and gain the much needed emotional and physical distance, either by necessity or abandonment, they are often left with some terribly distressing questions like – Did they ever love me? Did I mean anything to them at all?  How could they do this to me after what we shared together?

Medley of Misery

It’s important to keep in mind that Narcissists do not love. They have no capacity to form healthy attachment bonds to anyone. To a Narcissist, their lovers, spouses, and companions are objects; sources of supply. Accepting that you meant nothing to someone who meant so much to you is incredibly painful. Realizing that you were lied to, defrauded and manipulated from the start is enough to send even a saint into a psychotic frenzy.

The hardest thing to recover from is the deliberate mind fuck, the emotional warfare that the Narcissist uses to keep their targets emotionally invested in them.  Another disturbing element in this relationship with the Narcissist, and the one that keeps you entrapped, is that they are the epitome of projection and paradox. When the Narcissist says; “I love you.  Your happiness is important to me,” what they actually mean is, this is what I want to hear from you–and what I desperately need for myself. This explains why their words and behaviors don’t match, and why you’ve had so many conflicting occurrences that made you doubt and distrust their expressions of caring or affection. Ironically, the more you love them, they less they love you.

With the Narcissist, your sense of congruency is constantly defied. A Narcissist’s selective memory and distorted thinking convincingly make you doubt your perceptions, and have you believing that up is really down–thus you’re always floundering in confusion. There comes a point at which you can’t determine which end is up or down.

You then become obsessively focused on making sense of something that’s downright irrational. You feel unstable, so you keep attempting to fix it; to right the wrong! This alone is an addiction that keeps you going back (a control issue on your part). Even after years of separation, you might believe that things can be normal between you and your ex–but you’re mistaken.   You can never let your guard down with them, not even for a second.

Self ForgivenessAre you holding yourself “accountable” for remaining in the relationship too long?  Especially if you’re dealing with significant consequences? Owning your part in any dynamic is important–but only if it serves as a learning tool. Would you persist in scolding a small child every day for having made a detrimental mistake? Of course not! It’s time to forgive yourself.  Use this experience to heal and grow.

Suggested Readings

Finding Your Way Home:  A Soul Survival Kit

Self-Confidence begins with Self-Forgiveness

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Casting a Seed…

Kim Saeed:

A beautiful, touching piece for those who’ve had their gardens invaded…

Originally posted on An Upturned Soul:

WeedSea

“Once in a golden hour,
I cast to earth a seed,
And up there grew a flower,
That others called a weed.”
― Alfred Tennyson

There is a belief that.

You reap what you sow.

But.

Sometimes.

There are those who reap the benefits of what others sow…

They collect the ripe fruits, pick the brightly blooming flowers, roam freely in the lush gardens which they did not seed, tend or nurture.

Sometimes they take the credit for what is not their creation.

Once they’ve plundered someone else’s garden of its treasures, they abandon it.

Often angry that what was once a paradise now more closely resembles hell.

But.

They do not see that the paradise turned to hell due to their actions and the consequences of their actions.

They then go off in search of another garden, which belongs to someone else, to plunder, to reap what someone else…

View original 519 more words

Psychic Cord Cutting as Part of the Healing Process

What is a psychic cord?

Psychic cords are energetic bonds that develop between people. This typically happens when they share a deeply intimate relationship, but also when one partner believes that their wholeness is reliant on the other partner, such as in emotionally abusive relationships. The beliefs that create cords stem from unsatisfied needs and deeply held emotional patterns.   That’s why people who’ve been involved with a Narcissist, whether during childhood or in romantic relationships (or both) often seem to go through life attracting the same kind of people. psychic cords 1

A psychic cord can create severe problems on emotional, subconscious, spiritual, energetic, and physical levels.  These cords are often the main reason for blocked creative energy, repressed self-expression, loss of personal power, unresolved anger, fear or grief, weak interpersonal boundaries, and poor health.

Although symptoms of cords can vary greatly, an individual will typically feel drained from specific relationships when a cord is present. When we want to let someone go because the relationship is unhealthy, the cords and the continuing psychic exchange between us and that person can hold us back. Below are signs that you have toxic psychic cords that needs to be severed.

Symptoms of heavy cording include:

  • Inability to move on
  • Obsessing about an Ex
  • Ruminating on things they said; reliving their constant judgment or criticism
  • Constant memories concerning things you used to do together
  • Compulsion to go back to the toxic relationship
  • Stalking your Ex online through social media
  • Insomnia, or endless processing of the past
  • Deep feelings of sadness, anger, and depression regarding the past
  • Desiring to seek revenge, or constantly aware of unfair treatment
  • Crying all the time; an emotional shell
  • Turning down invitations from friends and family; stuck in the past; feeling blasé

Clearing energetic cords that bind you to an abusive Narcissist is a must.  Not only will doing so sever the psychic ties with the Narcissist, but will also clear the spiritual debris they picked up from sleeping with multiple partners, which they then spread to you when you shared intimate moments with them.  This can cause you to attract negative energy into your life.

cutting cords 2

The Cord Cutting Process

You can start by calling upon God, Jesus, your spiritual guides, or your higher self to help you with this process.  Visualize yourself holding a crystal sword.  We often have misconceptions about relationships and perceptions about who we believe we are and who we think the other person is. Doing this work will help you overcome this, and begin to form a new outlook. Even if you are not able to feel anything, trust that the process is occurring.

Say out loud, “I now cut and release the cords of this relationship (person’s name)”, and while you are saying this, move your arms as if you were holding a sword and cut all around your body, remembering to cut above you and send intent.   Visualize the sword going below you to cut the roots of the relationship. You might also visualize pulling up the roots and plucking them out of your energy field while continuing to cut with the sword. Visualize the energetic cords vanishing as you cut and pull them from you. You may find as you do this, that some bundles may be more concentrated in the navel or heart area. Intimate relationships are typically more concentrated in the lower chakras.  (**This process can also be used to cut the psychic cords with Narcissistic parents, alive or otherwise).

Continue to say the name of the person of whom you are cutting cords from. When you feel you are done with that person and the relationship, pause and let yourself get a sense of whether or not the cord-cutting was successful. It is best to only do a few relationships in one cord cutting ceremony. Start with the ones that occupy your mind and heart the most.cut cord

When you feel the process is complete, pause and breathe for a few moments.  Visualize a lavender light encircling you as you bask in your new, clean energy field. Allow your heart to expand and feel the connection to your Higher Self.  In doing this ceremony you have created a space.  By calling in the Divine and your higher Self, you bring in what you need to go forth and form the relationships you desire.

Next, simply relax and rest. You might even want to take a nap. You may feel hungry, drained, or simply peaceful. Even while you rest, the energy streams are dispersed as they go back to the time, person and relationship.

You’ll want to also clear out the area where you performed the ritual through smudging or diffusing essential oils, such as sage or lavender. Cord cutting is not generally recommended more than once a month. You need time to assimilate the work you have done and allow yourself time to develop new perspectives.

 

Related:

The Cord Cutting Meditation – A Guided Visualization

Soul Fragments and Cords

Cutting the Psychic Cords from N’s