Headed to New York!

 

Local Narc Abuse survivor heads to NY, because she can…

 

Rochester

Dear Readers, Followers, and Kick-Ass Survivors & Thrivers,

I am taking a small vacay from the blogosphere to enjoy some much-needed fun.  (“much” modifies “needed”, requiring the use of a hyphen, no?  See, I told you I need to go have some fun!)  At any rate, I don’t want to go without leaving you with a little something to hold you over, so I am sharing some “Followers’ Favorites”, as well as a few of my own.

3 Ways to Get a Narcissist to Leave You Alone

Dear Kim – How Would a Dumped Narcissist Feel if You Were to Date His Friend?

6 Ways to Fail at Dating after the Narcissist

Narcissists and Empaths:  The Ego Dynamic

Esmeralda the Snake by AnUpturnedSoul

How Creating a Global Public Spectacle Can Have a Positive Impact on Your Life by BetterNotBroken

Sociopaths and their Milli Vanilla act by Paula’s Pontifications

Lessons from adversity, lessons from my recovery by Happiness Weekly

How Accountable are We Willing to be in Our Own Lives? by Diana Iannarone

See you next week!  And as always, thank you for being a follower.  You make all the difference!

About these ads

Ten More Lies Abusive People Tell

Kim Saeed:

If you like a dash of humor and a pinch of sarcasm mixed in with your education of all things Narc, please visit Betternotbroken’s blog. You won’t be disappointed (and you may experience a few belly laughs, as well)…

Originally posted on betternotbroken:

 

1. You think everyone is an abuser. Everything everyone does to you is abuse.

I bet that guy over there is an abuser, and that one, and that one over there. Hell if some guy opens the door for you I bet you would haul off and call the cops on him.

Open the door à la (poor French acknowledged) Jack Nicholson in The Shining?

Then yes, yes I would.

“Hello, Police?”

2. If you speak about this, x, y and z will happen.

You had better watch what you say, even in your home. They work with powerful men including an elusive billionaire with an uncanny amount of spare time on his hands who has bugged your house to monitor you. We know all billionaires spy on housewives to learn the exact ratio of Shout to Clorox Bleach Pen used to eradicate chocolate milk stains as well as to ensure their mouths stay shut…

View original 619 more words

Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse

 

depression

The most common questions I hear from readers and clients are, “Why does it take so long to heal from this heartache?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about the person who abused me?”, “Why do I still love him/her after what they did to me?”, “Will this pain ever go away?”

Obsessing over an emotionally abusive relationship is draining, and often so detrimental that many sufferers lose their jobs, homes, and even their children.  In severe cases, suicide is attempted and sometimes successfully carried out.

There are many elements involved in healing from Narcissistic abuse.  Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grieving, denial, anger, and depression.  However, unlike a typical break-up where one would eventually get to a point of acceptance, many victims of Narcissistic abuse stay fixated and obsess about their abuser, often suffering as long ten years or more post-breakup.

Why does this happen and what can one do to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship?  Following are the top five tips for getting over Narcissistic abuse.

  • Allow yourself to grieve and be angry

Many victims of narcissistic abuse have the false perception that since their partner was a fraud and the relationship was one-sided, that they shouldn’t allow themselves to grieve or vent their anger. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Not allowing yourself to process these feelings often leads to detrimental outcomes at a later point in time, such as getting stuck in emotional, and/or spiritual levels of bereavement.  This typically manifests in symptoms such as:

  1. Staying stuck in a sad, angry, or depressive state, or often feeling emotionless
  2. Signs of suppressed anger
  3. Prolonged exhaustion, depression, or indifference
  4. One or more addictions
  5. Repeated avoidances
  6. Some type of chronic pain or illness
  7. Obesity and/or eating disorders
  • Seek professional help if you believe you may suffer from complicated grief

Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.  

Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot of business is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, discrediting of the victim, questions unanswered, and unrequited love. The victim is left hanging, unable to complete their relationship with their abuser and stuck in the pain of their grief.

  • Make sure you’ve implemented No Contact in its true form

Many victims of Narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open in the event their abuser decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve been “No Contact” for such-and-such amount of time, but then receive a call or email from their Ex-Narcissist.  If the Narcissist has a way in, then No Contact hasn’t been properly executed.  This is the primary cause of not being able to heal, because as long as the abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place.  Once the Narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, it’s back to square one.  (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).

  • Stop researching Narcissism 24/7

During our phase of discovery, educating ourselves about Narcissism is essential in understanding the behaviors of the disordered and helps us recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, the focus should then turn to healing methods and self-care.

Constant research on the traits of your disordered Ex keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery.  Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”?  Each time we repeat a particular thought or action, we reinforce the connection between our neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing our day-to-day reality.  Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first, but with practice, they too will become habitual, and help you recover faster.

  • Work on your self-esteem

The number one, most important thing to realize is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion, just as their love was. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated, invisible.  What that means is that even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue.  Most of the time, Narcissists will strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked…to keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods.  Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all”.  Even if they have moved on, they want you to feel worthless and will leave no stone unturned in their mission to guarantee this.  Remember, everything that came out of their mouth was/is a lie, including the negative things they say/said about you.

Before-you-diagnose-yourself-with-depression-or-low-self-esteem

 

Recommended:

Self Esteem Worksheets

Meditations and Binaurals

Taming Insecurity – Dating After the Narcissist

 

Getting back into dating after a train-wreck relationship with a Narcissist sucks.

If you haven’t done the proper self-work, there’s horrible doubt and insecurity.  Still under the impression that you’re an ugly, wicked, evil witch with no heart, you vow to “fix” yourself to ensure that the next man you meet will fall head over heels in love with you.  Determined to remedy all of your supposed imperfections, you sign up for newsletters from all the top dating and relationship gurus.

Meme

Modern Goddess Program – Sign Up Today!

 

You then perform a mental checklist of all the things the Arse-issist said were wrong with you:

  • Lose weight
  • Try a new hairstyle/new color
  • Throw out wardrobe and dress sexier
  • Stop being so insecure
  • Stop being a bitch
  • Stop being greedy
  • Get another two or three jobs
  • Don’t ask about other women calling
  • Don’t ask questions about unexplained absences
  • Drop all people in social circle
  • Shut up and take it
  • Stop having an identity
  • Stop breathing

Barbie 2

 

STOP!

Before you consider gastric bypass surgery and a face transplant, please stop for a moment…

Have you forgotten who you are?

Do you not remember how the angels sang on the day you were born?

That your heart is filled with the white light of love and compassion?

That there are people who love everything about you, just as you are?

You matter.

You…without changing your essence.

Without changing your appearance.

With all your strengths and weaknesses.

You Are Enough

Are there things you might work on in your next relationship?  Perhaps.

Relationships in which control and insecurity are the primary dynamics aren’t fulfilling or successful.  If you tend to need reassurance on a consistent basis, are clingy, insecure, and/or jealous, there is certainly room for improvement.  Especially when these traits have been magnified by the Narcissist.

However, that doesn’t mean you should turn a blind eye to things such as:

  • Unexplained absences
  • Their relationship with another person
  • Persistent phone calls from an Ex
  • Off-color comments about your appearance
  • Attacks on your character
  • Their refusal to communicate
  • Their expecting you to accept things they know you find unacceptable
  • Lying
  • Cruelty

There is a difference between allowing another person their space and being abused.  You should never violate your moral code in order to gain another person’s approval.  However, if getting a handle on insecurity is something you might benefit from, then make plans to do so.  Not because you want another person to accept you, but so you can accept yourself. Security is not found in attachments to anyone or anything outside of ourselves. 

 

Related Articles

Taming the Green-Eyed Monster

Overcoming Insecurity and Low Self Esteem

Five Tips for Overcoming Insecurity in Relationships

Is insecurity ruining your relationship?

The Freedom Agenda – What Every Empath and Co-Dependent Needs to Know

You are not responsible for the pain, dysfunction, and poor decisions of others…

What was that you said?  You feel burdened by all that is wrong in the world?

You feel an overwhelming pressure to make things better?

Did I hear you correctly?  You even feel guilty or responsible for what’s wrong in other people’s lives?

What a heavy weight we carry when we decide to take on the burden of another person’s choices or life.

Empaths and Codependents feel it’s their obligation to save the world.  And when they’re being manipulated by a Narcissist, this sense of obligation becomes their whole identity as the Narc plays the victim to the nth degree.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that a Narcissist is disordered.  When we support them, we are either knowingly or unknowingly supporting a lie, as the person we think we’re helping doesn’t really exist.  Living a balanced and happy life means accepting this reality, even though the Narcissist cannot.  They can’t be healed because in order for that to happen, they’d first need to acknowledge they are wounded.  Instead, Narcissists use fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) to keep their targets perpetually catering to their every whim…and overlooking lies and broken promises.

Empaths and Codependents – What’s the Difference?

Empaths – Empaths are usually very caring and giving of themselves, often to their own detriment. Being particularly perceptive and hypersensitive to the wants and needs of others; going without to bring happiness and nurturing to their partners, hoping to avoid conflict at all costs.

Often, those who exhibit these kinds of behaviors also carry with them a very low self- worth. Because of this, they are prone to periods of depression, isolation, anxiety, and codependency on others.

The problem arises in where codependency can often be expressed through the relationships they develop with other people because they are hypersensitive to hostility and prefer to avoid conflict. Their natural ability to want to keep the peace and make their partners pleased can easily be manipulated by those who are prone toward anger and aggression.

Codependents – Co-dependency involves a pattern of thinking, feeling and/or behavior where one cannot tell where they begin and others end. It is toxic for relationships. Codependency can even be deemed an attempt to control others.

Codependents think and feel responsible for other people’s feelings, actions, wants, needs, and well-being (or lack thereof).  They feel compelled, almost forced, to help others solve their problems through offering unwanted advice or trying to fix feelings.

Empaths are born with a sensitive emotional nature.  Codependency is learned behavior and a coping mechanism.  Not all codependents are Empaths, but most Empaths struggle with codependency.  Both typically lose sight of their own lives in the commotion of tending to someone else’s, which make them prime targets for Narcissists.  In abusive relationships, the one thing that they have in common is this: they love someone who is unrestrained, and they find themselves taking more accountability for the actions of that person than the person is taking for themselves.

For these issues, Empathy and Codependency, there is only one solution to becoming balanced. And that is the development of one’s self:  esteem, worth, and confidence….through acts of self empathy, self- compassion, and self- love.

How do I show compassion and care without falling into codependent behaviors?

The fastest way to clarify if you are helping versus being codependent is to do an intention check.  Are you helping this person so you can rescue them?  Are you helping them because it seems like your identity rests upon your ability to help others?  Are you covering up dysfunctional behaviors?  Are you helping this person because you don’t feel strong enough to help yourself – so their problem becomes a distraction from your own challenges?  If you answer yes to any of these questions, then chances are co-dependency is the root.

Difference-Between-Helping-and-Enabling

Helping vs. Enabling

When we try to fix another individual, their problems, or influence their path, we are basically allowing them to avoid facing the consequences of their decisions and actions.   What’s more, we’re not even helping ourselves out; we’re just taking on extra baggage.

Everyone needs to work out their own journey through life.  It is our responsibility to love and respect them enough to give them space to take responsibility for their behavior.

We are disempowering another human being when we try to fix, solve, or make the consequences go away.

We are not responsible for any other human being but ourselves (with the exception of minor children).  Focus on yourself and be your own personal best so that you can be a shining example to others.  It’s the only way you will make a positive change in someone’s life.

It’s okay to be you and it’s okay to let other people be themselves.  If you can support people along their journey without getting entangled in “fixing” or “solving” their problems for them, or covering up for them, then you will have acted with true compassion without enabling.

“Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don’t, do you? And neither does he. You’re turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can’t value you more than you value yourself.”  ~  Toni MorrisonSong of Solomon

 

Other articles you may enjoy:

10 Lies We Mistake for Love – Part 1

10 Lies We Mistake for Love – Part 2

How to Stop Being Empathic and Become a Complete Narcissist (a.k.a. Arsecissist)

End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way

Narcissistic Abuse Results in Soul Loss

soul-retrieval

In my coaching practice, I work with victims of Narcissistic abuse on an almost daily basis.  People from all walks of life reach out to me in hopes of overcoming the emotional (and sometimes physical) abuse that they’ve endured from a Narcissist or other Cluster-B disordered person.  Many of my clients see a traditional therapist, but haven’t experienced any great progress in their recovery.  In fact, I’ve had a few clients who are themselves licensed counselors.

It’s becoming alarmingly clear that traditional Western medicine and therapy aren’t successful in wholly treating Narcissistic abuse.    I do believe they are effective in helping patients deal with clinical conditions such as PTSD, anxieties, phobias, and other similar mood/emotional syndromes, but traditional therapy has no framework for dealing with the suffering that results from Narcissistic abuse.  And sadly, most psychiatrists are only interested in masking the symptoms of these disorders with pharmaceuticals that alter the DNA of those who take them.

Why do victims of Narcissistic abuse find such little relief from traditional therapy?  Because it doesn’t address the largest underlying factor of what happens in cases of emotional trauma…loss of parts of the soul.  In fact, many times a patient is diagnosed with a mental or emotional condition when what’s happened is that parts of their soul have fled in moments of extreme emotional shock.  Soul loss is similar to what psychology refers to as “dissociation”.

In indigenous societies, it is largely accepted that when life experiences are traumatic enough, they can result in the fragmenting of our inner spirit, or soul, which is described as ‘soul loss”.  It is understood that this loss is temporary, helping the sufferer in dealing with the aftermath of a truly traumatic experience.  However, in cases of Narcissistic and emotional abuse, the trauma is ongoing, resulting in serious illness, both psychological and physical.  Victims effectually lose some aspects of their personality and life-force, which is why a common complaint is that they don’t know who they are anymore and that they can barely survive day-to-day.  It also explains why Narcissistic abuse is often coined “rape of the soul”.

“Beside himself.” Why do we describe a distraught person as being beside himself? 
Because the ancients believed that soul and body could part, and that under great emotional stress the soul would actually leave the body. 
When this happened a person was “beside himself.”   – Dictionary of Word Origins

What soul loss looks like:

  • Daily life seems pointless
  • Drug and/or alcohol addiction
  • Not knowing one’s purpose in life
  • Blocking out parts of one’s memories
  • Obsessive or ruminating thoughts
  • The feeling that something is missing in life
  • Suicidal thoughts or fantasies
  • The inability to receive or give love
  • Persistent feelings of emptiness
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • One’s belief that they cannot change their circumstances

So how do we go about getting those lost pieces of our soul back?  Lissa Rankin, author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof That You Can Heal Yourself, states:

Sometimes the soul needs space in order to heal, and this may require the courage to make some external changes in your life. Perhaps you need to switch careers in order to give the soul more room to breathe. Perhaps an unhealthy relationship is constricting the soul, and it’s time to get into therapy, set boundaries, or even end things. Perhaps you need to find more people to love or relocate to a place that helps your soul come alive.  Perhaps you need to give your soul permission to engage in more creative activities. Such eternal changes may be part of the prescription the inner doctor of your soul writes.

But very often, those kinds of major life overhauls are NOT NECESSARY!  Reconnecting to the soul allows you to find peace and happiness right where you are in ways that are much simpler and more profound than you might think. It can be astounding to discover that you’ve had what you needed all along and have been looking in all the wrong places. Perhaps all that is needed is to see the life you’re already living in a different way.”

You can find out more about her practical approach to “treating the soul” in her article, 20 Diagnostic Signs That You’re Suffering From “Soul Loss”.

The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend – The Art of Triangulation

Man-cheating

Of the most common searches that lead people to Let Me Reach, a large percentage consist of female readers wondering about the male Narcissist’s Ex-wife or his new girlfriend.

In other words, the new girlfriend is worried about the Ex and the Ex is worried about the new girlfriend.  Why?  Because Narcissists are cheating slime balls, and the Ex and the new girlfriend have every right to be concerned.  And no, that doesn’t make them crazy, as the Narcissist loves to suggest…

It’s not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their Ex and the new girlfriend perpetually enmeshed in a crazy love triangle, often promising both of them that he’s on the verge of leaving the other.

The typical low down:

The narc-hole husband gets tired of the chains of matrimony and moves out, leaving his wife and kids like yesterday’s enchiladas.  He moves in with his latest mistress or rents his own little love nest because the mistress is too young to have her own mortgage.  He resumes crying on the new girl’s shoulder, complaining about how his dinner was late three and a half minutes, thus demonstrating that his wife doesn’t love him anymore.

Or, the wife has turned into a suspicious, bipolar maniac and he just cannot tolerate her craziness another day, pulling out his smashed Rolex as evidence.  He further verifies the wife’s psychosis by pointing out the window as the wife drives slowly by in front of his new apartment.  Obviously the ex-wife has lost her marbles, right?

Ex Wife

Little does the new girlfriend realize that the smashed Rolex was an anniversary gift that was given to him by the wife three days earlier, before she realized her husband was a flaming cheater.  And, she’s driving by the new apartment because she wants to confirm her suspicions after her husband’s insistence that he doesn’t have someone else.

But that’s not what he tells the new girlfriend…No, the new girlfriend gets the fabricated version, where her new lover gave a full confession to his poor wife and left as he said he would, with fair warning and full disclosure.

Then, after a few weeks of deceptive bliss, the new girlfriend notices the Narc is gone more than usual.  He says he’s been visiting with his kids, taking care of divorce business, and getting ready for his new life with her.  When, in reality…

Scenario One:  He’s gone back to the wife and has the nerve to complain about the new girlfriend… to the very woman whom he cheated on and devastated!  He gives her a sob story of how sorry he is, that he can’t believe he made such a colossal mistake, and is so convincing, that he gets his wife into the bedroom for old time’s sake.  He doesn’t do any divorce business, but he’s sure getting into some other business.

Later, after pretending to be remorseful and hinting around about second chances, he again leaves his wife alone, believing the man she loves will return to the family unit any day.

Scenario Two:  The narc-hole tells his wife that she’s just not doing it for him anymore and he has a great, attractive new 18-yr old that he robbed from her parents.  She’s just so full of life and makes him feel alive again.  She does everything without his having to ask, and she’s just so smart and, and, and…you get the drift.

Seriously?  This guy has the cerebral capacity of an 8-yr old.  In fact, I know 8-yr olds that can handle themselves in a more mature manner.  It’s amazing that this man can even put words together to form a coherent sentence.  His uselessness is epic…

Blame Meme

Triangulation – the Narcissist’s Euphoria

One of the main characteristics of the narcissist is their desire to feel like they are much sought after. They like to feel like they have many options and feel an intense euphoria and sense of power when they can successfully pull off a love triangle. Narcissists will manufacture situations to keep this triangle going, which includes lots of lies and treachery. In a normal relationship, people go out of their way to prove that they are trustworthy—but the narcissist does exactly the opposite. You can never settle down into a feeling of peace. And they will never admit to this, calling you crazy for mentioning it, when in fact, your worst fears are likely very real.

To the New Girlfriend:

Although you may believe the Narcissist’s claims that he has obligations towards his children and has to take care of loose ends, paperwork, etc., he’s not spending that much time with the kids, and you may want to consider that he could still be sleeping with his Ex.  This doesn’t happen in all cases, but it does in many.

Further, your new partner, disordered as he is, cannot be happy with anyone, not even with you, his most ardent defender and worshipper. It doesn’t matter how much you love him; what’s most relevant is that he is incapable of real love. In time, he’ll find ways to debase and hurt you as well, as he’s done to every other woman before you.  I wish I had better news.

Cartoon Cheater

To the Ex Wife:

I wish this wasn’t happening to you, and further, that there was something to make this devastating situation go away.

It’s crucial to remember that your Ex only hoovers (returns) to ensure that you never move on.  His aim is to always make sure that you’re in the queue, ready and waiting.  It’s a sick game that will steal years from your life.  For this reason, No Contact must be enforced in order to succeed in your recovery.  Remember, the narcissist is never concerned about what you’re doing while he’s gone or that you’ve found someone because he’s groomed you to react in a certain way. He’s counting on it, based on how you’ve reacted in the past.

It’s time to fight back against hoovering.  If you notice subtle signs of the narcissist’s intent to return, ignore them and move on.  No one has the right to come and go, while manipulating your feelings and/or your life.   It’s time to put on your warrior face and kick that loser to the curb.

Every woman deserves a man

The Cerebral Narcissist – A Portrait

Arrogant Professor

Narcissists are convinced that people find them captivating. Their abiding charm is part of their self-imputed supremacy. This frivolous belief is what makes the narcissist a “pathological charmer”.

The somatic narcissist (and/or histrionic) flaunts their sex appeal, sensual prowess, and attractive body.  Somatics are almost always in the latest fashion, driving fancy cars, and acting the celebrity.

The cerebral narcissist seeks to captivate and mesmerize his target with a brainy fireworks display, gaining his worth from his intellectual abilities and achievements.  His mind is the source of his vanity.  He or she would much rather acquire obscure information, use big, complicated words, and write long, drawn out dissertations on their “ground-breaking ideas”.  They don’t usually draw attention to themselves, preferring to go into full character by withdrawing from society; going out in public only occasionally…to remind the lowly human race of their deific existence.

Cerebral narcissists will try to impress others by their scholarly intelligence and command of the language, which is used not only to impress, but also to destroy anyone who questions them.   They are convinced that they are unique and should only associate with other special or high-status individuals. In fact, when confronted with anything that contradicts their sense of god-like stature, you can bet that their reaction will be explosive and malicious.

Contempt is shown for those they deem inferior.   When this narcissist experiences a loss of admiration they will become emotionally and/or verbally abusive. Their verbal sharpness is such that one is left staggering in the aftermath.  In spite of these injurious traits, such a person can be charming and exhibit behaviors widely admired in society.  There can be the ‘appearance’ of a genuine sense of benevolence towards others–though they’re not sincere in nature.

The Cerebral Narcissist generally operates in the same way as the somatic or overt Narcissist when it comes to securing a source of supply.  However, there are subtleties that set them apart, such as:

During the idealization phase: they follow the blue-print when it comes to showering their target with affection and praise. However, the cerebral narcissist goes one step further by exclaiming that the new supply is their intellectual equal.  This may very well be the case, but the cerebral narcissist doesn’t believe it because in their mind, no one can match his or her mental prowess.  Their pretense is impermeable.  Gifts often include poetry, books, and hand-written letters professing their undying love.

As with all Narcissists, this phase is to make you addicted to the constant attention.  Once the emotional and chemical cravings set in, thus begins the devaluation phase.

The devaluation phase is very similar to other Narcissists, though manifests in a slightly different way. Instead of direct, snarky remarks meant to chip away at the target’s self-esteem (which is the MO of the less intelligent Narcs), the Cerebral will suddenly blow hot and cold, withdraw their attention, and give you the overall sense of not being as high of a priority as before.  They begin to throw out occasional morsels in order to keep you in their loop.  But don’t be fooled, underneath the cool demeanor they are secretly cursing your perceived ignorance and mocking you under their breath.

Although it may not come up in discussion, you begin to feel you’re being needy or clingy, so you back off in hopes of recapturing the attention you received in the beginning.  It’s about this time that you may begin to question the depth of their feelings for you, trying to make sense of the widening gap that’s forming.  They make a virtue out of their emotional truancy by convincing you they’re simply giving you space and freedom, or that they’re preoccupied with some big project.

The discard phase is where everything comes to light. It becomes apparent that the narcissist considers himself a gift to civilization.  His intelligent achievements are earth shatteringly paradigm-shifting, forever penetrating and superior.  Periodically interacting with objects of conflict sustains his inner turmoil, keeping the narcissist on his toes…this infuses him with euphoric liveliness.  Should you demand more – you will become an encumbrance. He will dump you, disengaging quickly and remorselessly.  The cerebral narcissist’s discard is often swift because they simply don’t have the endurance to tolerate the bleating morons they call partners.

Arrogant

During the discard phase, the narcissist reveals his or her authentic self. You experience their callous indifference as the relationship ends. You might think this is only a fleeting lapse, but in reality, this is their true nature which has been hidden under a dark cloak.

The scheming charm that existed in the beginning is gone – instead, it is replaced by the genuine contempt that the narcissist felt for you from the beginning.  They feel absolutely nothing for you except the excitement of having discarded another unsuspecting target. It’s at this point you must accept that the dreamlike bond that existed in the beginning was an illusion.

How to conduct yourself in the aftermath, according to An Upturned Soul

Narcissists are very good at finding really nice people. Your niceness is a weakness. They need that niceness because they don’t have it. Their favorite thing is hearing you tell them how wonderful they are, nice people do that, encourage the good in others and give compliments freely. This addiction to nice people is the Narcissist’s weakness. They tell people how wonderful they are, but they don’t believe it, not consciously or subconsciously. They are very aggressive about how wonderful they are, they will fight to the death to prove it… to themselves most of all.

Quotation-Aristophanes-mind-Meetville-Quotes-126004

There is always someone else, they discard relationships like we discard trash. They change identities in a similar way, but they never change their pattern of relationship, and they rarely change who they are underneath all of their masks.

One of the most effective ways of ‘winning’ a game with a Narcissist… let them win. If you’ve been in a relationship with a Narcissist for a while, you’ll know that at some point they stop being ‘nice’ to you, it’s an effort for them, and they switch to being mean. They will tell you some awful truth about yourself for your own good, of course, they’re wonderful like that. Don’t try to prove them wrong, that’s what they want, that gives them what they need, all of your passionate attention. Tell them they are right and walk away”.

“Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster… for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

**This post was written in part with content found on Self-Care Haven and her article, Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head.  Visit her site for more information on Narcissistic behaviors and self-care.

Why?

Kim Saeed:

If you follow my blog, allow me to introduce David over at Grace for my Heart. Every Friday he posts articles related to Narcissism. His articles are always encouraging, reassuring…and timely.

Originally posted on Grace for my Heart:

It’s Narcissist Friday!  

Why do the narcissists abuse people?  Why do they do such things?  They hurt.  They use.  They manipulate.  They destroy.

Why?

Some have attributed their cruelty to hatred.  Some to anger.  Others to envy.  Perhaps they look at the rest of us and create ways to demolish what we or others have built into our lives.   Perhaps they do it for fun, excitement, maybe challenge.

Narcissists can cause a lot of pain.  I read the stories people send to me privately and those shared in the comments and I grieve for those who have had to endure so much.  Some of the stories are hard to believe, but I know narcissists and I do believe them.  And, again, why do they do these things?

I have written about this before, but it seems important to say it again: it isn’t your fault.  You are not an inferior…

View original 453 more words