Narcissists and the Shame Agenda

Sad Woman Shamed

Wouldn’t the red shoes look better with that outfit?”

A seemingly innocent question, no?  But, if the person being asked is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it can trigger a sinking, burning sense of humiliation, which in the case of a relationship with a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B, personality-disordered type), is what the asker wants to achieve in the asking of the question.

If you’ve been following my blog or reading about Narcissism in general, you probably already know the intent of an emotionally abusive partner when they provoke their target(s) to feel shame.

But, where does that shame come from?  How do we develop it?  And how do Narcissists know exactly what to do or say in order to trigger it?  I will attempt to answer these questions, but first let’s examine two types of shame and how they manifest in our lives.

Shame resulting from guilt

It may be surprising to learn that some shame is healthy.  Specifically, the kind of shame one might feel after hurting another person, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Or, perhaps when we’ve been persuaded to do something that’s completely out of character for us.  Feeling this kind of shame is generally good.  This is the type of shame that comes from having a healthy conscience and a desire for other people to feel good about themselves.

This first type of shame is an emotion; a feeling.  We experience it, and then hopefully make strides to correct whatever action we took that produced it.

However, there is another type of shame that is destructive.  In fact, this type of shame isn’t an emotion or a feeling, but a state of being.  This is toxic shame, which has been internalized within the person who lives with it.  It’s a part of who they are, often without their being consciously aware of it.  And unless they make a dedicated effort to get to its source and heal from it, they will never feel at peace with themselves, nor in most of the relationships they form with other people.

Let’s look further into the subject of toxic shame and how it develops.

Toxic shame

Sadly, toxic shame develops in one’s childhood as a result of having caregivers who themselves were raised to feel they weren’t good enough.  It’s a disease that’s been passed down through generations for centuries.

When we were little children, around the age of, say, two or three, we were innocent.  We loved to explore and learn about the world and our surroundings.  Being naturally curious, we often got ourselves into situations that our parents or caregivers didn’t particularly care for.  Maybe we were curious about our mother’s cosmetics, or perhaps our father’s musical instrument.  If we were raised by parents who carried the disease of toxic shame, we were likely punished.  At times physically, even at such a young and tender age.

During our formative years, we did not have the capacity to process these events.  All we knew was that we were having a great time, when all of a sudden, our hand was being smacked, or perhaps we were suddenly yelled at and spanked. Obviously, if this happened on a regular basis, we began to believe we were just bad.  We started to feel perpetually anxious and afraid, not ever knowing when our caregiver’s wrath would be delivered upon us.

As we grew older, maybe the physical punishment continued, and when we were old enough to understand more about our language, we heard things such as, “Cant’ you ever learn?!”, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”, “Tears come easy to a girl who doesn’t get her way.”, and the like.

Cultural shame added to our sense of being innately bad.  Perhaps, during the course of one’s childhood, one may have attended Church…where they were told, “We are all born into this world sinners because of the sins of Adam and Eve. That’s why childbirth is so painful, and why we all must die a mortal death.”  Admittedly, I was afraid of Church as a small girl.  It seemed our whole existence consisted of fire, brimstone, and gnashing of teeth.  Unless someone told us otherwise, how were we supposed to learn we are good and that the world can be a wonderful place?  How were we to know real love instead of fear and shame?

Unfortunately, most people who live with toxic shame never had anyone to tell them that they were worthy, smart, or had great potential.  What’s more, this is what they carried with them into their adulthood.  They grew up believing they were born bad and there wasn’t a thing they could do to redeem themselves, except to conform to other people’s wants and desires…perhaps getting a sliver of recognition here and there…similar to the ones they may have received as a child.

These are the very things that Narcissists seek out in their partners – stories of painful childhoods; of not feeling good enough; of not being recognized or acknowledged; of parents who were never around, or who were always too involved in their own lives to care for anyone else.  Once a Narcissist learns this about a new lover, he or she coldly and calculatingly starts the love-bombing phase to hook their target.  Once said target is in love and feeling safe, the Narcissist begins withholding affection, stonewalling, being unavailable, and worse, begins the silent treatments…all to activate their target’s fear of abandonment, which in turn, brings to the surface toxic shame which their partner has tried to keep dormant during his or her lifetime.

Narcissists are shame experts

It’s no secret that Narcissists typically don’t experience the same feelings we do as they pertain to emotions such as joy, love, compassion, and common decency.  However, if there’s one thing they do share with us, it’s shame.  That’s why they are so good at shaming us.  They know exactly what to say and do to bring out that burning sense of not belonging, not being good enough, and being inherently “bad”.  It also explains why, no matter how much we give during the relationship, it’s never good enough.

People who carry the heavy load of toxic shame truly believe there is something wrong with them.  They dislike themselves for it and they are deathly afraid that the people around them will see through the images they project and dislike them for it, too.  In many cases, shame-based people have no idea they have these feelings about themselves because they’ve built up defenses to bury those thoughts so they could survive.  However, healing toxic shame is a critical first step for those who find themselves addicted to toxic relationships

It all starts with acknowledgement

Carrying toxic shame doesn’t mean you can never be happy, healthy, or know real love.  All that is still in you, waiting for you to clear out the shame in your mind and let your true self emerge.  It won’t be easy.  In fact, it’s often terrifying and excruciatingly painful.  Facing and conquering your shame will require more bravery than you’ve probably had to muster in your life.  But, if you’ve read this far, I imagine this journey may very well be something you’re willing to try.

Planet V

Planet V

Excerpt from How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!

Venus is a lovely being.  She gives her love unconditionally and cares for others in the most unselfish way; she isn’t pretentious in her giving of love.  She adores those in her world:  her parents, her children, and her friends.  Some accuse her of being too nice, but she doesn’t know any other way to be…this is who she is, a being of light, love, and kindness.

On another realm are humanoids that live on the planet Nars.  It’s a mostly male population, but some females have infiltrated this stark planet, as well.  It’s a hostile place to be.  These humanoids have overrun their world and must occupy a new one in order to keep their species alive.  They have no emotions and are only concerned with their individual survival.  After touching down on Planet V, they find the perfect host…Venus.  She is everything the Humanoids need to keep their kind alive.   Venus freely gives her emotions, her resources, and opens up her world to the Narcoid.

These humanoids from Nars have studied Venus’ behavior for decades.  They know exactly what she looks for in a mate, and they mimic this image perfectly.  Venus doesn’t realize that the Humanoid is an imposter.  When Venus first comes into contact with a Narcoid, she sees him as her twin soul.  He is kind, loving, generous, and treats her like a Goddess.  They do everything together, and because her new partner is so “rare”, she agrees to a union in a short amount of time.

After a short while, Venus begins to observe inconsistencies.  Her new mate starts to display behaviors that are completely foreign to her.  He becomes mean, critical, and condescending.  This causes confusion within Venus’ mind and heart.  She believes she has done something to injure her partner, so she tries everything within her power to reverse the breakdown of their bond.  The Narcoid thrives on this false belief, and proceeds to enslave Venus by instilling more false beliefs within her of being insufficient, not good enough…the root of their problems.  This is how he keeps her enslaved, knowing she will give her all.

Narcoids are on Planet V to steal souls and turn all Venuses into Narcissistic Supply.  In fact, they steal not only Venus’ soul, but those of her offspring, as well (even if he fathers them).  Once this domination is complete, they move on to another Venus and begin the process anew.

Narcoids leave a path of destruction so great that Venus and her young lose their spirit.  Venus further  loses her livelihood and hope.  The only strength she has left is given to her young.  However, sometimes Venus is so completely devastated, she is no longer able to do that, either.

Could you be the main character in this sci-fi piece? Is it time for you to pen a different ending? You can change how your story will end.  It all starts with intention.  Imagine a different ending and share in the comments section below!

Booze, Cigarettes, and Emotional Eating – The After-No Contact Diet and 5 Ways to Change It

You implemented No Contact or have been temporarily discarded (because Psychopaths almost always come back), and now you’ve got Pizza Hut on speed-dial, a stash of chocolate that would make Willie Wonka blush, a beer-can pyramid that would totally impress the Dos Equis guy (or maybe you’re considering melting all those wine bottles down into cheese trays), and you’ve set off the smoke alarm a few times from the excessive number of cigarettes you smoke while stalking your Ex on his or her Facebook page.

cheese tray

Welcome to the After-No Contact Diet.  What?  You thought you were the only one?  Feeling a little sleazy because you go to bed every night with Ben and Jerry?  Take it from a former Platinum award-holder in dirty martinis, your conundrum is not only common, we could probably create a whole new demographic for the United States Census.

Now that you can come out from behind that newspaper, let’s talk about five ways you can change your new-found dietary decadence before you land yourself in the ER.

  1. Don’t try to quit everything at once

Talk about setting yourself up for failure.  Attempting to make too many simultaneous changes while suffering the already life-altering emotional trauma you’re enduring would be akin to walking a tight rope with an elephant on your shoulders.

Instead, pick one habit you won’t absolutely die without and work on quitting that one first.  You can wean yourself or go cold-turkey, whatever works for you.  However, a series of small, doable steps is typically the best approach when experiencing overwhelming stress.  Celebrate your small victories (though perhaps not by eating that death-by-chocolate, triple chunk-walnut, super-sized ice cream tower)

  1. Quitting drinking greatly reduces your chances of making a bleating idiot of yourself

If you have fallen prey to drunk-dialing, 3 a.m. sentimental emails to the Ex and their new supply, or crying/collapsing/falling-asleep-in-your-front-yard-while-sucking-your-thumb episodes, you would do well to begin cutting back on the alcohol.  If you can’t bear the thought of abrupt withdrawal, then instead of drinking the whole bottle of Shiraz, drink half instead.  The following week, take it down to a glass.  Then, see your family physician for a non-addictive anxiety medication…preferably one that takes effect as soon as possible.  Lastly, incorporate guided meditations into your daily routine.  Once you start feeling the Zen, you can stop the meds.

Zen Dog

  1. Know that smoking may eventually cause spontaneous blindness

Not really, but it can cause a plethora of symptoms and diseases that could cause a spontaneous heart attack (or worse).  I know I’m being Captain Obvious here, but if you want to be around for your kid’s graduation, your dog’s obedience school certification, or when the Karma bus stops in front of your Ex’s house, quitting smoking is absolutely critical.

Besides, you could use the extra money to pay for therapy sessions.

  1. Every time you engage in emotional eating, an angel loses its wings

…and that angel is you.

Emotional Eating

Narcissistic abuse already imbues us with cripplingly low self-esteem and gaining weight only amplifies the problem.  If you feel the need to eat (which is really an act of self-soothing and trying to fill an emotional void), stock your shelves with foods you can eat in large quantities with little consequence.  These might include:  popcorn (try to avoid microwave brands), low-calorie soups, fruit pops, apricots, watermelon, rice crackers with wasabi peas, mountains of sautéed veggies, and kale chips.

(Sorry, I know you were hoping for rib eyes and Fritos).

  1. Know your triggers

Every habit is triggered by some event.

Smokers – Many people smoke after stress, drinking alcohol, or being around other smokers.   Try to limit your exposure to these environmental stimuli.  Additionally, here are some links to help you get started:

The 23 Best Ways to Quit Smoking

10 ways to resist tobacco cravings

Can E-Cigarettes Help You Quit Smoking?

Drinkers – If you’re tired of waking up with the bouncer from that seedy dance club, stop going there.  For a long time.  Going to bars and clubs while trying to maintain No Contact is a disaster waiting to happen.  Besides, you might run into the Ex and catapult yourself into another decade of psychosis.

On the other hand, when trying to implement a healthier lifestyle, go with the lesser of two evils until you get stronger.  If eating half a bag of Hershey’s Kisses will help you put down the bottle, then go for it.  You can work on changing your eating habits later.

Eaters – If you find yourself munching down while casually browsing your Ex’s social media, then the best course of action is to throw your laptop out of a moving vehicle (or at the very least, block your Ex and deactivate your social media accounts for a couple of months).

Hopefully, these tips will help empower you to break out of the After-No Contact Diet and start a new, healthy plan. Your stress levels need not rise, and your body and psyche will both thank you.

Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse – See How Quickly You Can Take Your Recovery To The Next Level

 

Journey to Self Love

Next free webinar is March 30th!  Claim your spot!

Have you been in therapy for months or even years with no relief from the pain, trauma, and anxiety caused by having been narcissistically abused and wounded?

Does it feel like the relationship ended just yesterday, though your Ex has moved on and started a new life with someone else?

Do you wake up every day wondering when or if you will ever get your life back?

Have you lost your friends or even your job due to the depression caused by emotional abuse, yet can’t seem to get motivated to change?

Or maybe you grew up with a Narcissistic parent and have been trying to navigate through a painful life without knowing where to turn…

Many victims of Narcissistic abuse never really recover, regardless of how many books they read or how many support groups they’re in.  Knowledge is extremely important during recovery, but it only takes us so far.  The reason is because real recovery takes place on the subconscious level.

What if I told you there is hope for your future?

If you’re in pain, struggling, or unclear on how you can take your recovery to the next level, I wanted to let you know that Melanie Tonia Evans has opened the doors for her next Live event – The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse on March 30th in the US and March 31st in Australia.

Her last event went live last week and it’s safe to say the results have been mind blowing. We’ve been hearing from so many people that within a week after taking part in the event that they have already received the key insights they need to know exactly how to take their recovery to the next level and begin the journey to thriving after narcissistic abuse.

Here are a few messages we’ve received from people who took part in the last webinar:

The webinar was amazing Melanie. I found a core issue that I didn’t know existed. What touched me the most was I made the connection that most of my experience came from my birth addict father until age 6. I saw clearly the connection between addictions, abuse and that I had been narcissistically abused. The shift I felt was powerful, and I knew I was on the way to healing. Now that I am on NARP, I finished Module 1 this morning and I’m already feeling better. Lighter. Freer. I can tell right here, right now, this was a very valuable investment.
~ Shawn USA

Your webinar was such a breakthrough for me. I never realized that I still carried around the pain of being abandoned at a young age. I’m constantly trying to prove to this person that I am worthy of love just because I’m me and I’ve put up with abuse because I felt I don’t deserve any better. Through your Webinar I connected directly with “what is going on”, and I felt incredible relief after the shift we did in the Webinar together. I hope other people can experience what I did and know that there is hope and there is answers to get well.
~ J E USA

The experience I had in the Webinar recording took me completely by surprise. I have been having therapy for a while now, but I had never found the “core” as easily I did in the healing with Melanie. I know I have let go of layers of pain, and for the first time for as long as I could remember, I slept soundly. The next day I felt completely different. I know there is still lots of shifting and healing to do, but I am excited that if I could feel this much relief in one shift, what is going to be my progress with more of this work? I finally have hope, something within me knows Melanie’s process is the answer.
~ K Lee GB

The next day after the Webinar several realisations came to me. It’s as if my subconscious has opened up to reveal truth. It’s not daunting – it is a relief. I now see a way forward and I am so grateful that I feel I am standing for my inner self now. I feel stronger now and I know I am going to be able to heal.
~ JM Australia

Did I mention it’s free? 

True healing takes a commitment to healing your unhealed parts, cleaning up your damaged inner identity, and releasing limiting beliefs that existed before you even met the Narcissist…

With no risk to you, you can take this incredible opportunity to heal your unhealed parts, the ones that you have never reached before, and break free into a life experience that surpasses anything that you believed was possible…

Claim Your Spot Here

**If you are unable to attend the live webinar, you will get a recording of the event just for signing up!

mte-affiliatebannerWebinar1-250w-180h

How to do No Contact Like a Boss! is available for pre-order :)

 

For ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists

 

Narcissistic Parents: Coming Out of Denial – by Jade Joddle 

As Adult Children of Narcissists (ACONs), coming out of denial about the abuse we experienced in childhood is a brave step along our healing journies. When we can look at our parents with objective eyes and accept that the ‘love’ we received from them was conditional and stingy, then we become empowered to develop a healthier dynamic with our narcissistic parent(s) in the present, in which we are less susceptible to their manipulation tactics. For some this realisation may mean going no contact with their narcissistic parent(s). For others, it may mean developing healthier boundaries and a redefined notion of give and take in their relationship with mum or dad. In my personal experience it has meant forgiveness of my mother who was/is neither able to express love towards me nor capable of giving me her direct attention.

As long as we keep telling ourselves that our controlling parents love/d us, we stay stuck in denial – a dangerous space where our parents still have the power to direct our lives and dictate our emotions. When the abuse suffered is overt – clear and apparent for all to see – then it is much easier to ‘own’ the fact that one is an ACON. However, in cases where the manipulation of the narcissist is/was subtle and under the radar, the adult ACON is likely to be confused about the real status of their one-sided relationship with their narcissistic parent. This can mean the ACON stays stuck in denial where they tell themselves the comforting lie that the abusive, controlling behaviour of the narcissist parent towards them is an expression of his/her loving care.

While on the surface it may seem that a covert narcissistic parent really loves or is even devoted to their child, the reality is that every action of the narcissist is self-serving. This is because the narcissist parent uses their child(ren) as a means of validating the stories they wish to believe about themselves. Generally these stories revolve around being seen as a ‘good’ parent whose children are accomplished or in some way special. However, look below the surface of the covert narcissist-child dynamic and you will see that the parent always has an agenda to get their own needs for narcissistic supply met by their child(ren). In other words, covert narcissist parents put on a masquerade of love in order to get their own needs and desires met by the child.

Covert Narcissistic Parents: 3 Under The Radar Types

The Smothering Narcissist – This kind of parent does not allow their child room to breathe. By ‘over-loving’ the child the narcissist controls every aspect of his/her life. Smothering narcissistic parents overwhelm their children with their unregulated emotions to the extent that their children learn to suppress their own feelings. While on the surface such parents may appear to be selflessly devoted to their children, their apparent self-sacrifice comes with strings attached. The child is not allowed to pursue their own path in life and is groomed to become the emotional caretaker of the parent, which due to a complete absence of boundaries between them, means that every mood swing or emotional dip experienced by the parent is felt by the child in tandem. If the child or ACON makes an attempt to take responsibility for his/her own life, the bid for freedom will be countered with guilt trips or explosions of narcissistic rage (see the video below for more signs).

Adult Children of Smothering Narcissists say: ‘When you are happy, I am happy.’

 

The Mini-Me Creator Narcissist- This kind of parent creates a child in their own image. Parent and child appear to be so close that there is no separation between their personalities and interests; the mini-me is merely a younger version of the adult narcissist. While the dynamic between the narcissist and their mini-me shows a strong bond between them, the truth is that the child created in the image of their parent has no identity of their own. The adult mini-me may be so enmeshed with their parent that they are never able to fully separate from them.

Adult Children of Mini-Me Creator Narcissists say: ‘What would mum/dad say?’

 

The Dismissive Narcissist – This kind of parent denies their child of attention or validation of any kind. While the child may be well provided for in a practical sense by having all their material needs met, any kind of emotional connection from parent to child is distinctly lacking between them. The child of a dismissive narcissist learns not to seek emotional contact with the parent because attempts at bonding are dismissed and rejected by the narcissist. This kind of narcissistic parent is not able to give their full attention to the child at any time – chores, watching television, or socialising will always come first. Even if the child develops a talent or becomes a high achiever in some area of his/her life, the dismissive parent will only rarely or reluctantly acknowledge what the child has accomplished. Praise from parent to child will be particularly stingy, even wholly absent in the relationship.

Adult Children of Dismissive Narcissists say: ‘Nothing I do is ever good enough.’

 

For more signs to recognise the covert narcissist parent see below:

(original link:  http://letmereach.com/for-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/)

Let Me Reach is going on Holiday!

Adiós hasta 09 de marzo!

I am going on a wonderful, exotic vacay and will be gone until March 9th. Thank you to all of you who follow me each day. I hope to come back rejuvenated with fresh, new ideas and inspiring messages for all of you who are trying to detach from toxic relationships.

Tu puede hacerlo!

plane-taking-off

Empaths, Narcissists, and Love

 

Moth to Flame

~ by Josh Schultz

Why do empaths attract narcissists? Narcissists depend on external validation. Empaths are tremendous healers, givers, and validators. On the surface, this may seem like a convenient story. But the underlying dynamics of each couple’s situation can be vastly different.

It is possible that an empath will agree, as a spirit, to a relationship with a narcissist in order to have a particular transformative experience, or to learn to say no. Every relationship is a continually shifting landscape of male and female energies, flowing with giving and taking, in each action, word, and caress.

We like to think that living from the heart, being totally in a space of love and affinity can only be good; that it can never be wrong or bad. But one must also truthfully ask themselves: is it balanced? Is it healthy? Unfortunately, the common undercurrent with many empaths is that we often heal others to our own detriment, which is very unhealthy.

Here is a funny question: when your healing energy goes to everyone else, and it becomes a demand, is it really a healing space any longer? Some of the best healers I have met know how to laugh at other people’s problems, and they know how to keep their healing information to themselves, and not heal everyone.

They know how to be senior in their own inner space and understand that people create problems to learn as spirits and that healing them, i.e., changing the energy affecting them, is not always appropriate.

One of the best things that empaths can do is to learn how to end healing agreements and stop healing everyone around them in a completely out of control fashion. This is what the psychic institutes teach.

The “out of control empath’s” essential problem is that they are giving away all of their healing information, and energy, to others to the point where they have none left for themselves; this does not effectively help people. It creates karma.

So, creating a relationship with a narcissist is a great way for a spirit in a highly sensitive body to start to make positive changes in their life when it comes to seniority over their own space and healing energy. Someone has to teach empaths to say no. Someone has to show empaths where they are refusing to take responsibility for owning their seniority. Someone has to show empaths the pictures, and habits, they are stuck in that do not allow them to run their own control energy.

Ideally, it is a learning experience and the empath can change all of those behaviors, beliefs, and patterns, to create a different, and more validating, relationship; but without clairvoyant tools that can be very difficult.

We create through the pictures in our inner space as spirits. So if we don’t destroy the pictures limiting us – actually sit down in meditation and visualize those images exploding or decide to change our inner beliefs – then we will simply create the same situations over again, because the sub-conscious mind does not know any different.

It may sound patronizing to say this, but problems are simply spiritual opportunities in disguise. Of course it is hard to really believe that unless you have the right tools and can consistently use them to change situations. I would surmise that most women do not want to hear that their relationship space is a spiritual development space, or growth space, and that they may have to learn from different partners before they are mature enough to be with their ideal mate.

We like to believe that loving another means accepting them completely, even with all their faults; that we should love people for who they are, not for who we want them to be. But what happens when there is a large gap between who that person really can be, i.e., what they are deeply capable of as a spirit, and who they are in present time?

With narcissists the gap is really large. The out of control empath unconsciously says, “heal them.” But maybe it is better to teach that person. But do we know when it is appropriate to help someone change, or to heal them, or teach them?

Spirit has the ability to be completely neutral to human circumstance. So a person’s spirit may be learning a lot from being a narcissist in their lifetime. And it may not actually be appropriate for that person to change just yet. Can you see into their karma and communicate with them as a spirit as to what they actually want?

Can you see when validating where someone is capable, rather than who they are now, is healthy, rather than a form of control? And can you see whether that person is really ready to have that communication? If someone doesn’t want to change, then saying no, and moving on, may be the only healthy thing you can do.

I have clairvoyantly read many hundreds of people over the past several years, and I have seen most relationships being created purely from a space of unconscious karma. I recently read a woman who felt intensely conflicting feelings of love and despise for a man who was attracted to her; in this lifetime the man was a bumbling idiot, and she even said so. But in her past life she was deeply in love with him; she was completely stuck on that past life karma.

Another woman I read wondered whether she should contact a narcissist ex-boyfriend who was suspected of having killed several people, although it was never actually proven. And even another woman I read had an obsessive fantasy about wanting to be kidnapped that had its root in a very strange past life where she actually fell in love with her kidnapper.

The unconscious pull of karma can be incredibly potent. It is the level most people are creating their relationships at on the planet. So, being able to end your karma at will, and experience the immediate effects of doing so, is a very important tool to have. Most people today seem to have the idea that powerlessness, or lack of seniority, over your karma is inherently baked-in to it. However, when you have clairvoyant tools, this becomes a lie.

Empaths without any tools are almost always stuck in healing agreements and healing games.

Ending karma is not about healing; it is about leveling the playing field back to a space of neutrality and free choice. Although one may receive a form of inner healing from ending karma, one can argue that the ability to end karma is actually senior to the ability to heal, because if you can end the karma then you can avoid the entire manifestation process in the first place.

The great thing about understanding the energetic intricacies of different situations, and having the clairvoyant tools to deal with them, is that in order to change your life you only need to do more meditation and energy work. You learn to create from the effortless space of the higher chakras.

And then, generally, the formula for life becomes 90% meditation, 10% action. I would tenuously suggest that if you are taking more than 10% action and not seeing the results you want then your inner space simply needs more work; and sometimes that can mean months of meditation. But when you create from the sixth and seventh chakras you need to take very little, and, many times, no external action.

The journey of people who identify as empaths, in today’s world, is to move from the second chakra, a space of sensuality, feeling, and body emotion, into the heart, and then into the sixth chakra – a clairvoyant space. For most people this can take years.

In many cases where we are having emotional trouble, or feeling stuck, it is because there is a sub-conscious picture that we have fallen into and failed to see clearly. That is the task that these psychic institutes teach with so many different tools: how to destroy, i.e., transform, energy and get neutral to your pictures so that you can clear away all the past life junk, unconscious programming, healing agreements, limits, pain, and thousands of other things – so that you can actually be in your body as a spirit.

The ability to destroy a mental picture is the most fundamental way of changing your entire life.

I have seen a lot of highly sensitive people, empaths, – and people who live from their hearts – who have difficulty with destroying. One woman I read even recoiled at the suggestion that she destroy a simple flower. What inevitably happens with people who have no permission to destroy is twofold.

Firstly, they become completely programmed by other people’s control energies (because they have no self-permission to destroy those energies) and, secondly, they end up channeling other spirits to do the work of destroying for them, when they need to change. The problem with the latter is that it can easily turn into a recipe which can ruin a person’s entire life, and even future lifetimes.

Life is a dynamic process of creating and destroying.

So it makes sense to look at who you are, who you want to become, how you want to change, and what you want to experience through a relationship. Empaths, especially, need to define what they want to receive out of a relationship. Unfortunately, empaths can easily fall into the pit of losing their own sense of self when they are around a significant other.

An empath, and really anyone who is paying attention to their own inner space, needs a level of energetic separation from others that most people do not really understand. Our culture is great at teaching people how to lose their space, but outside of the psychic institutes there is very little usefully comprehensive information on how to actually have one’s space as a spirit in a body.

Most of our cultural fantasies about love boil down to losing oneself inside another, i.e., losing one’s space and seniority, doing anything for love, etc., rather than gaining more clarity and awareness over oneself as a spirit.

Love requires more than just affinity and karma to be successful; it requires incredibly clear communication, clear vision, and a myriad of inner tools and practical transformative spiritual information that can guide a couple along in their journey together – without which one is left with drama, games, and out of control transmedium energy.

As an empath, one must also be able to define, and stand by, the things that make one senior in one’s own space. What does that even mean? It means saying no to doing things you don’t actually want to do, i.e., being senior to guilt and cultural, or parental, programming that tells you what you are “supposed to do.” It means cutting out people from your life who are a net negative influence and ending enough karma with them so that they do not return.

It means spending years meditating. It means being responsible for running your own creative energy through your space and kicking everyone else out, even if it makes them mad that you are no longer healing them. It means saying no to the energy, people, and situations that do not validate you and saying yes to what does validate you.

The alternative is living off of karmic scripts, and unconscious pictures, programming, foreign control energy, and past life agreements – and delaying the inevitable work of destroying all those foreign pictures, and energies, in your inner space in some future lifetime.

josh

 

Josh Schultz is a professional clairvoyant, author, and teacher. He works with clients in the San Francisco Bay Area and online. He teaches practical spiritual tools to change your life. Learn more about his work at http://thegroundingbook.com

 

 

What narcissists look like beneath the glamour

 

doctor-octopus-concept-art-from-sam-raimis-spider-man-21

~ photo by Sam Raimis

~ submitted by Ether

Warning – Trigger Alert – Proceed with Caution

Doing psychic healings with targets of narcissists, this is how I see the narc:

If you could see a narcissist beneath their ‘glamour’, they might resemble a big, spider-type creature.

They are in the center and they have eight cords coming of them with sharp hooks at the end. They need to have all these hooks in a variety of people to feed off of them sufficiently to feel alive. In the hook is an addictive substance for their targets. The most destructive situation is when they have all of their hooks in one person, feeding from only them. It should actually be a relief if they are hooked into their other friends, family or lovers. To see people competing on a psychic level over who can get the most hooks in them is disturbing beyond belief.

When you unhook them out of one person, their cords thrash about looking for somewhere else to put it. If you succeed in removing all that they have, at that moment they just lie there pathetically, squirming and dying on the floor desperately trying to reach out for at least one person to get a hook back into.

Love Bombing vs Stalking – What’s the Difference?

 

Stalking 2

Love Bombing

Everyone who’s discovered they are involved with an emotional abuser knows the meaning of having been love bombed.  For those of you who may be new to this, love bombing is when you’ve been bombed by intense “love” in the beginning of a relationship, and then dropped from the highest point of emotional attachment (from the victim’s standpoint).  This is a favorite ruse used by Cluster-B disordered individuals such as Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Psychopaths.

A Narcissist is drawn to their victim by said victim’s vulnerability, pain, and/or loss.  They then intensely bomb their target with love and attention until they are so overwhelmed by the “affection”, the victim submits to the Narcissist. This is synonymous with the “idealization” phase.

The victim develops intense love for the Narcissist because they are seduced by all the attention. Once the Narcissist has the victim under their control and in love with them, they cease all attention and drop them off the highest emotional cliff. The effects on the victim of being dropped can be devastating.  (This is commonly referred to as the devalue stage).

Love bombing is not about love, but is used to exert power and control.  Love bombing consists of such activities as:

  • Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
  • Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
  • Bringing up marriage after only having known one another for a short time (sometimes as soon as a few days after meeting)
  • Showing up at the target’s place of employment or favorite hangout
  • Giving the appearance of having much in common with the target (painful childhood, horrible mistreatment by their exes, being of a sensitive and poetic nature)

The intent of love bombing is to monopolize a target’s focus in order to diminish the target’s discernment and objectivity.  It is damaging and is intended to destroy a person’s sense of self and establish power over them.  Cult Leaders love bomb their followers in order to brain wash and take control over them.

Stalking

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is unwanted or obsessive attention by an individual toward another person through the carrying out of behaviors intended to frighten, distress the victim, and/or instill a sense of hopelessness in the victim (which often leads to learned helplessness).  Stalking behaviors are related to harassment and intimidation and usually include following the victim (in person) and/or monitoring them.

According to Lamber Royakkers, author of The Dutch Approach to Stalking Laws (California Criminal Law Review 3, October 2000):

“Stalking is a form of mental assault, in which the perpetrator repeatedly, unwantedly, and disruptively breaks into the life-world of the victim, with whom they have no relationship (or no longer have). Moreover, the separated acts that make up the intrusion cannot by themselves cause the mental abuse, but do taken together (cumulative effect).”

Disruptions in daily life necessary to escape a stalker include changes in employment, residence, and phone numbers.   Many targets of stalking have had to move to another country and basically go into hiding.  Many of my clients are or have been stalked by their Narcissistic partner.  Stalking behaviors carried out by Narcissists include:

  • Constant texts, emails, and phone calls
  • Frequent deliveries of gifts, cards, and flowers
  • Showing up at the target’s place of employment or favorite hangout
  • Cyberstalking
  • Installing spyware on a partner’s computer and/or cell phone
  • Finding out about you by using public records or online search services, hiring investigators, going through your garbage, or contacting friends, family, neighbors, or co-workers
  • Use technology, like hidden cameras or global positioning systems (GPS), to track where you go
  • Threaten to hurt you, your family, friends, or pets

Stalking is synonymous with hoovering in that once a source of supply expresses a desire to end the relationship, the Narcissist refuses to give up their power by forcing themselves into the victim’s world through harassing, following, and monitoring.

What’s the Difference?

As you can see in the two categories of behaviors, there really isn’t much difference between love bombing and stalking.  Love bombing is idealizing and mirroring the victim in order to create a feeling of connection in the beginning of the relationship.

Stalking is a common behavior of Narcissists when a source of supply tries to initiate No Contact.  The one distinct difference is that when stalking (hoovering) begins, the victim typically has a clearer picture of what kind of person the Narcissist is…which is why they want to go No Contact in the first place.

Love bombing and stalking are about power and control.  They’re both pathological and used by disturbed people who cannot truly love another.  They’re both insidious and can eradicate self-esteem and the victim’s sense of self.  If your partner has taken part in these two behaviors, know that these are signs of psychological and emotional manipulation used to dominate and keep control over you and it’s time to consider going No Contact.

References

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalking#cite_note-menace-8

http://www.sociosite.org/cyberstalking_en.php

http://www.victimsofcrime.org/our-programs/stalking-resource-center/stalking-information