Vanilla Sky – Unreality with the Narcissist

 

You’ve discovered that your relationship/engagement/marriage with the Narcissist was a reality warp.

No matter how many times you replay history in your mind, you can’t make sense of it or come to grips with what you now know was an illusion…hyperreality.

Hyperreality:  the inability of consciousness to distinguish reality from a simulation of reality; a condition in which what is real and what is fiction are seamlessly blended together so that there is no clear distinction between where one ends and the other begins.   Individuals may find themselves for different reasons, more in tune or involved with the hyperreal world and less with the physical real world.

This hyperreal world is the one we live in with the Narcissist.  Nothing can be taken at face value.  We take on the Narcissist’s version of reality and apply it as our truth.  Like Tom Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky, we exist in a continuous lucid dream state, hoping against hope that the false reality is true, in spite of the frequent implications otherwise. vanilla sky

Carrie Reimer, author of the blog Lady With a Truck, writes about this reality warp with keen insight in her article, Sick Narcissistic S.O.B.’s.  Although she’d begun to pick up on reality towards the end of her abusive relationship, her article demonstrates how easy it is to assume the Narcissist’s attempts at being nice are sincere; although his “being a gentleman” can point dangerously to the opposite.

Reality Warp:  Imagine yourself in the setting she describes, entering the home of the Narcissist where he has your favorite drink ready for you.  He’s dressed nicely and has cleaned his home.  He invites you to take a shower and you accept.  As you cross his bedroom towards the shower, you notice a robe on the bed.  You believe he laid it out for you.  You take your shower, exit and put on the robe, go back to the kitchen and take a sip from your drink.  The Narcissist is playing the guitar and you think you’re being romanced.

Reality:  All of the provisions you’ve just taken part in were actually meant for another lover.  She may have left moments before you arrived, or be expected to arrive soon.

To the Narcissist, all women are one in the same person, in spite of how unique they claimed we were in the beginning of the relationship.  (It’s important to remember that you ARE unique, only that the Narc doesn’t see you that way).

But…

Every passing minute

The irony of hyperreality with the Narcissist is that our version of reality seems so real to us because we love and we want to believe.  However, the Narcissist produces symbols which represent things that do not actually exist.  These symbols often manifest in the form of:

Hoovering – Creating the false illusion that he/she is sorry for their cruelty.  Reality – They don’t love you; they only need you for supply and domination.

Dangling of Carrots – Taking you to look at cars, shopping for homes or engagement rings.  Reality – They have no intention of following through on these things.  They’re simply to keep you hopeful and hooked.

Torn Between Two Lovers – During one of his Silent Treatments, you implemented No Contact, and he put on a show of having been forced into the arms of another lover.  Reality – He’s been grooming new supply for some time now and your attempt at No Contact was the perfect opportunity to begin triangulating.

Escape From Plato’s Cave

Platos CaveOne of the earliest indications of the awareness of hyperreality can be found in Plato’s Republic, specifically, in the Allegory of the Cave.   Socrates describes a group of people who have lived chained to the wall of a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall, and begin to ascribe meanings to these shadows. According to Socrates, the shadows are as close as the prisoners get to viewing reality.

And thus is life with the Narcissist.  The whole relationship is based on shadows of reality.  He is the lie, from hello to goodbye…

Just as Plato’s prisoner is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not constitutive of reality at all, Tom Cruise’s character decides to wake up and conquer his fears by leaping from a rooftop.

Your awakening needn’t be so dramatic.  All you need to do is go No Contact in order to stop living in shadows and illusions.

I wanna wake up! Tech support! It’s a nightmare! Tech support! Tech support!” ~ David, Cruise’s character in Vanilla Sky

Open your eyes.

 

Empath Struggling with Overwhelm? Try EFT

 

Follow Elise Lebeau in this simple and powerful EFT Tap Along video!

Reprogram your mind to have positive thought patterns in less than 5 minutes!

Elise Lebeau is a professional intuitive dedicated to helping other Empaths rediscover who they are and what they can do with their Empath skills.

http://www.eliselebeau.com/

But He Says He Still Loves Me…

Broken Hearted

 

He says he still loves me

(**Warning – Trigger alert)

When he looks at you (perhaps adoringly, for effect) and says he still loves you, “in spite of your downward social status, unstable mental capacity, and the fact that you only care about money”, it’s a lie. That’s not to say you’re unlovable, or that what he said is true. It simply means HE doesn’t love you. A person in love doesn’t make this declaration while telling you all the reasons why he shouldn’t love you.  That is covert abuse.

On the flip side, if he thinks you’re serious about leaving he’ll leave out the character attack and simply claim to love you.  He’s come to realize his mistakes, will take responsibility, and promises to change.  How many times did he do this before, only to forget the whole episode as though it never happened (perhaps adding that he didn’t mean it)?

Narcissistic and psychopathic abusers are very capable of making statements such as:

  • I love you.
  • I just want you to be happy.
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • The last thing I want is to hurt you.
  • We’re meant for each other.
  • You’ll never find someone like me.

These are statements they’ve experimented with and observed to have the deepest effect.

Narcissists know exactly what you want to hear and how to say it because it’s always worked.   However, you’ll notice his declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things he says.  The authentic relationship you believe you have with him is only an illusion.  The reality is that it’s a relationship based on inequality because he will never see you as an equal, but someone to dominate.  What you’ll never get from him are qualities such as partnership, intimacy, validation, and goodwill, which are all examples of a true, loving bond.  Instead you will get competition, manipulation, control, invalidation, and hostility.

When the Narcissist says he still loves you, he means he still has use for you; he still wants to control you.

If you experience any of the following, you are in an abusive relationship and should consider leaving:

Character Attacks

A tactic he uses to make you eventually believe the bad things he says about you.  He wants you to stop having faith in yourself. (See paragraph one).  Statements such as, “You’re impossible to talk to”, “You always twist things around”, “You exaggerate everything” (These statements are made by the Narcissist when you try to have a civil conversation in order to relieve themselves of having to consider your perspective.  However, targets of verbal abuse may make these statements in moments of frustration; two different things).

The Narcissist will often also add other comments such as, “You’re too damned sensitive”, “You’re such a cry baby”.

They are masters at making you seem like the unstable one…which is simply an effect from the constant confusion and turmoil.  Have you started to think maybe he’s right…perhaps you are coming off at the hinges?  This means his mind control is working.

Undermining

Does he squash your enthusiasm with condescending comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”?  Does he ambush your ideas by highlighting all the ways in which they might fail?  Refuse to allow you much-needed time alone?

Trivializing

Does he belittle what you say?  Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments?  Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities?  Does he act as if your career is no big deal?

Name-calling

Does he call you demeaning names such as:  Fat*ss, C*nt, Ugly, Loser, Wh*re, Trash, Idiot, Stupid, Dumb*ss, etc?

On the flip-side, does he call you “pet” names with extreme sarcasm, “Honey”…in an exaggerated, drawn out manner and in a louder voice?

Does he call you names and then claim he was kidding, in a “convincing” manner?

Refusal to discuss his feelings

He comes home in an irritable mood and you ask him what’s wrong.  His immediate response may be something like, “What is it with you??  Can’t I come home without being interviewed every single time??

The reason he does this is because he doesn’t feel you deserve any explanations.  In his mind, your place is to shut up and leave him alone.  His goal is that you will eventually accept his abuse without saying anything about it.

It’s also possible that he’s fabricating a fight so he can give you the Silent Treatment while he schmoozes the secret supply source he’s working on.

Refusal to discuss your feelings

You tell him you’d like to have a discussion about how things are going and he says, “Oh God.  Here we go again”, “You’re always trying to start a fight”, “You never leave me alone, do you?”

Part of a truly loving relationship is the ability to communicate openly and diplomatically.  The Narcissist’s goal is to shut down any attempts at communication because they simply don’t care about your feelings.

Left you for someone else, and playing the “Torn between two lovers” act

Did your Narcissist put on a convincing show of how you forced him into the arms of another lover, and then pretend he’s so “addicted” to you that he can’t leave you alone?

Reality – He doesn’t have the new supply hooked yet.  Therefore, while he’s with her, he’s giving her all his best:  Love-bombing, awesome sex, fancy trips, gifts, introducing her to his circle of friends.  That’s right.  Though he has you believing he’s still hooked on you, he’s telling everyone he knows that it’s over between the two of you and slowly infiltrating the new supply.  Once he has her emotionally addicted to him, you’ll be discarded and likely become the other woman.  After all, he has to have someone to release his toxicity onto…and since you’ve always been the “reliable receptacle”, he comes back to you when he’s feeling especially cranky.

It Won’t Get Better

If your partner has been treating you this way, it’s a classic sign of abusive, psychological conditioning. Narcissists stop at nothing in order to win. They never give up – they are relentless. They will drive you to the point of insanity (and the brink of suicide) if you let them.  Don’t hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel with your abusive partner because it will only get darker as you go along.

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
~ Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

**If you’re tired of being deceived and emotionally abused, contact me about creating a new reality for yourself.

 

Apologizing to a Narcissist

Apologizing 2 Narc

 

In a normal relationship, if one has made a mistake, it is typically followed up with an apology.  This usually leads to the other party forgiving you or at least acknowledging your heart-felt attempt at making amends.  Not so with a Narcissist.

When you apologize to a Narcissist, they feel like they have struck gold.  You are always wrong, anyway, so for you to admit a mistake is akin to boarding a train for a one-way guilt trip.  Instead of the situation being dealt with in a mature way, there are a few possible scenarios that will ensue following an apology to a Narcissist:

  1. Self-Righteousness:  This is the equivalent of being pointed at and ridiculed on the playground, with the goal being to make you feel like the biggest idiot in town.  See how wrong you were?  Isn’t it just a load off now that you can see how right they were?  Thank goodness you’ve finally admitted to your senselessness.  Now that you know your place, the both of you can get on with life as usual.  What took you so long, anyway?  Hey, now that you’ve finally admitted to being a moron, how about celebrating…by taking them out to lunch on your dime.  After all, you’re lucky that they’ve decided to throw you a crumb of mercy and acknowledgement.  Eat out on that for a while.
  2. Complete Rebuff:  You’ve been carrying around a bit of guilt about something you said or did during one of your low points (which was brought on by the Narcissist).  You relapse into thinking they have at least a fraction of human emotion and will welcome your apology.  You decide to say you’re sorry…perhaps with a cutesy text or a heartfelt email to convey your regret to them.

Their response is that your actions were the worst they’ve ever endured.  They wondered when you would finally confess to this unforgiveable sin.  The devastation was so awful that they just didn’t have the power to bring it up.  They’ve tried to block it from their consciousness and now know why you’ve never had a successful relationship in your life.  Forgiveness will be difficult but, by the grace of God, they are trying.

Narc Check:  While this is one of the standard responses you can expect after apologizing to a Narcissist, it’s quite possible that whatever you’re apologizing for never even registered with them.  However, now that you’ve highlighted a perceived injury, they will use this as a way to make you feel like the worst person they’ve ever met.  Furthermore, it will become artillery for psychological torture and justification for a future injury they will inflict upon you.

3.  The Rap Sheet: You say you’re sorry about something and they not only chastise you for it, but tack on several other alleged “crimes” you’ve committed.  At the end of the conversation, you will wonder how you ever had any friends or partners in your life at all.  See how flexible they are…how they’ve overlooked your faults because they care about you?  In fact, you may as well forget about ever having another relationship because there’s no way anyone will ever tolerate your criminal behaviors like they do.

Remember how you bought your grandmother a gift, knowing that he needed that money?  What about when you took the day off because your child was sick…didn’t you know he was waiting for your paycheck to pay his personal taxes? How dare you even think of giving two dollars to the Salvation Army bell-ringer?  When are you ever going to get with the program and stop being so selfish?  How do you live with yourself? (Read more about Narcissists and money here).

Narc Check:  This is when the Narcissist will peel a piece of truth from something innocent that you did, and season it with twisted, far-fetched accusations.  These allegations wouldn’t make sense to the average outsider, but you’ve gotten so used to these tirades that you actually start to doubt yourself for throwing that birthday party for your niece.  Maybe you should just deposit your check directly into his bank account next time.  Never mind that you will hate yourself for it.  At least there’s the chance the Narcissist might throw you another crumb.

If you still feel the need to apologize, don’t leave anything to chance.  Try to do it in front of someone and move on, showing no emotion. However, be prepared for the above scenarios.  It may even behoove you to not apologize at all because apologizing to a Narcissist almost never results in a happy ending.  Although it may appear successful at first, there will be certain fallout when you least expect it.  Journal about it, pray about it, but don’t give them the satisfaction.

**Narcissism knows no gender bias.  I use the term “he” for the sake of brevity.  Additionally, these behaviors are more typical of the overt Narcissist, as coverts generally use the Silent Treatment as their main source of punishment.

Self-Forgiveness after Narcissistic Abuse

thenextlesson

When you’ve been devalued and discarded by a Narcissist, it’s a lot like being told you have a deadly disease.  You’re not sure if you will survive.  In fact, part of you may not want to survive because you’re in such emotional agony.  One more day in the aftermath of Narcissistic abuse seems beyond what you can bear.

Describing this fallout to friends and family often leads to additional shame.  They cannot empathize with you because they can’t possibly relate to the stories you tell them regarding your relationship.  Phrases like “he was a jerk anyway”, “just get over it”, and “you’re better off without her” are well-meaning, but do nothing to ease your suffering.

Involvement with a Narcissist is comparable to ingesting small amounts of arsenic over time.  It starts out seemingly harmless, but gradually leads to defects in cognitive functioning, high blood pressure, headaches, and stomach upset.  In severe cases, it can lead to different types of cancer.  It’s no surprise that female victims of Narcissistic abuse seem to have higher incidents of breast and ovarian cancer.

A break-up of this nature goes way beyond a normal break-up.  In addition to the typical stages of denial, grief, anger, the impact of such a union often has profound psychological, spiritual, physiological and financial effects on its victims.  Once a partner does manage to disentangle themselves and gain the much needed emotional and physical distance, either by necessity or abandonment, they are often left with some terribly distressing questions like – Did they ever love me? Did I mean anything to them at all?  How could they do this to me after what we shared together?

Medley of Misery

It’s important to keep in mind that Narcissists do not love. They have no capacity to form healthy attachment bonds to anyone. To a Narcissist, their lovers, spouses, and companions are objects; sources of supply. Accepting that you meant nothing to someone who meant so much to you is incredibly painful. Realizing that you were lied to, defrauded and manipulated from the start is enough to send even a saint into a psychotic frenzy.

The hardest thing to recover from is the deliberate mind fuck, the emotional warfare that the Narcissist uses to keep their targets emotionally invested in them.  Another disturbing element in this relationship with the Narcissist, and the one that keeps you entrapped, is that they are the epitome of projection and paradox. When the Narcissist says; “I love you.  Your happiness is important to me,” what they actually mean is, this is what I want to hear from you–and what I desperately need for myself. This explains why their words and behaviors don’t match, and why you’ve had so many conflicting occurrences that made you doubt and distrust their expressions of caring or affection. Ironically, the more you love them, they less they love you.

With the Narcissist, your sense of congruency is constantly defied. A Narcissist’s selective memory and distorted thinking convincingly make you doubt your perceptions, and have you believing that up is really down–thus you’re always floundering in confusion. There comes a point at which you can’t determine which end is up or down.

You then become obsessively focused on making sense of something that’s downright irrational. You feel unstable, so you keep attempting to fix it; to right the wrong! This alone is an addiction that keeps you going back (a control issue on your part). Even after years of separation, you might believe that things can be normal between you and your ex–but you’re mistaken.   You can never let your guard down with them, not even for a second.

Self ForgivenessAre you holding yourself “accountable” for remaining in the relationship too long?  Especially if you’re dealing with significant consequences? Owning your part in any dynamic is important–but only if it serves as a learning tool. Would you persist in scolding a small child every day for having made a detrimental mistake? Of course not! It’s time to forgive yourself.  Use this experience to heal and grow.

Suggested Readings

Finding Your Way Home:  A Soul Survival Kit

Self-Confidence begins with Self-Forgiveness

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Casting a Seed…

Kim Saeed:

A beautiful, touching piece for those who’ve had their gardens invaded…

Originally posted on An Upturned Soul:

WeedSea

“Once in a golden hour,
I cast to earth a seed,
And up there grew a flower,
That others called a weed.”
― Alfred Tennyson

There is a belief that.

You reap what you sow.

But.

Sometimes.

There are those who reap the benefits of what others sow…

They collect the ripe fruits, pick the brightly blooming flowers, roam freely in the lush gardens which they did not seed, tend or nurture.

Sometimes they take the credit for what is not their creation.

Once they’ve plundered someone else’s garden of its treasures, they abandon it.

Often angry that what was once a paradise now more closely resembles hell.

But.

They do not see that the paradise turned to hell due to their actions and the consequences of their actions.

They then go off in search of another garden, which belongs to someone else, to plunder, to reap what someone else…

View original 519 more words

Psychic Cord Cutting as Part of the Healing Process

What is a psychic cord?

Psychic cords are energetic bonds that develop between people. This typically happens when they share a deeply intimate relationship, but also when one partner believes that their wholeness is reliant on the other partner, such as in emotionally abusive relationships. The beliefs that create cords stem from unsatisfied needs and deeply held emotional patterns.   That’s why people who’ve been involved with a Narcissist, whether during childhood or in romantic relationships (or both) often seem to go through life attracting the same kind of people. psychic cords 1

A psychic cord can create severe problems on emotional, subconscious, spiritual, energetic, and physical levels.  These cords are often the main reason for blocked creative energy, repressed self-expression, loss of personal power, unresolved anger, fear or grief, weak interpersonal boundaries, and poor health.

Although symptoms of cords can vary greatly, an individual will typically feel drained from specific relationships when a cord is present. When we want to let someone go because the relationship is unhealthy, the cords and the continuing psychic exchange between us and that person can hold us back. Below are signs that you have toxic psychic cords that needs to be severed.

Symptoms of heavy cording include:

  • Inability to move on
  • Obsessing about an Ex
  • Ruminating on things they said; reliving their constant judgment or criticism
  • Constant memories concerning things you used to do together
  • Compulsion to go back to the toxic relationship
  • Stalking your Ex online through social media
  • Insomnia, or endless processing of the past
  • Deep feelings of sadness, anger, and depression regarding the past
  • Desiring to seek revenge, or constantly aware of unfair treatment
  • Crying all the time; an emotional shell
  • Turning down invitations from friends and family; stuck in the past; feeling blasé

Clearing energetic cords that bind you to an abusive Narcissist is a must.  Not only will doing so sever the psychic ties with the Narcissist, but will also clear the spiritual debris they picked up from sleeping with multiple partners, which they then spread to you when you shared intimate moments with them.  This can cause you to attract negative energy into your life.

cutting cords 2

The Cord Cutting Process

You can start by calling upon God, Jesus, your spiritual guides, or your higher self to help you with this process.  Visualize yourself holding a crystal sword.  We often have misconceptions about relationships and perceptions about who we believe we are and who we think the other person is. Doing this work will help you overcome this, and begin to form a new outlook. Even if you are not able to feel anything, trust that the process is occurring.

Say out loud, “I now cut and release the cords of this relationship (person’s name)”, and while you are saying this, move your arms as if you were holding a sword and cut all around your body, remembering to cut above you and send intent.   Visualize the sword going below you to cut the roots of the relationship. You might also visualize pulling up the roots and plucking them out of your energy field while continuing to cut with the sword. Visualize the energetic cords vanishing as you cut and pull them from you. You may find as you do this, that some bundles may be more concentrated in the navel or heart area. Intimate relationships are typically more concentrated in the lower chakras.  (**This process can also be used to cut the psychic cords with Narcissistic parents, alive or otherwise).

Continue to say the name of the person of whom you are cutting cords from. When you feel you are done with that person and the relationship, pause and let yourself get a sense of whether or not the cord-cutting was successful. It is best to only do a few relationships in one cord cutting ceremony. Start with the ones that occupy your mind and heart the most.cut cord

When you feel the process is complete, pause and breathe for a few moments.  Visualize a lavender light encircling you as you bask in your new, clean energy field. Allow your heart to expand and feel the connection to your Higher Self.  In doing this ceremony you have created a space.  By calling in the Divine and your higher Self, you bring in what you need to go forth and form the relationships you desire.

Next, simply relax and rest. You might even want to take a nap. You may feel hungry, drained, or simply peaceful. Even while you rest, the energy streams are dispersed as they go back to the time, person and relationship.

You’ll want to also clear out the area where you performed the ritual through smudging or diffusing essential oils, such as sage or lavender. Cord cutting is not generally recommended more than once a month. You need time to assimilate the work you have done and allow yourself time to develop new perspectives.

 

Related:

The Cord Cutting Meditation – A Guided Visualization

Soul Fragments and Cords

Cutting the Psychic Cords from N’s

 

396 Hz Solfeggio Binaural – Release Guilt and Fear

396 Hz is widely known for its ability to help in the releasing of emotional patterns; Liberating Guilt and Fear

When combined with the low alpha binaural beats, you will find additional benefits such as stress reduction, lucid mental state, body imbalance awareness, strengthening of the immune system, creativity, bridging of the conscious and unconscious mind.

When combined with the mid theta binaural beats, the 396 Hz solfeggio gives the additional benefits of inner guidance, inner vision, heightened intuition, the ability to tap into the subconscious mind, body healing, improved problem solving, learning ability, concentration and focus. Some have called theta meditations the “gateway to eternal bliss”.

**Best listened to at volume level 80 or below.

 

Would Jesus go No Contact?

 

whatwjd

Forgiveness is one of the greatest blessings we can give to others.  In relationships, couples who forgive each other are happier than those who don’t.  Studies show that forgiving makes you healthier, happier, and stronger.  Holding a grudge is bad for your blood pressure, causes anxiety and can reduce your life expectancy. It affects you, not the offender, who has probably forgotten all about what’s making you miserable and bitter.

But what happens if we are wronged and the person does not admit wrong, doesn’t apologize, or turn away from the behavior? Are we required to forgive an emotionally abusive spouse who clearly has no intent to change?  Would Jesus turn the other cheek to a Narcissist, or would he implement No Contact?

There is a general misconception that being spiritual and/or a good Christian means we should give abusers the benefit of the doubt.  The belief is that we are supposed to grant unconditional love if we expect to be forgiven.  However, the Bible is full of scripture that warns us against people who love themselves and commit abuse and other deceitful, immoral acts without remorse.  Matthew 18:17 tells us precisely how to deal with such behaviors:

“Let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”

Jesus’ message is clear. The Jews hated gentiles and tax collectors, and considered them thieves and pagans. They kept away from them as much as possible. Hence, Jesus is plainly telling us that we should avoid such people.

2 Timothy 3 gives us further instructions regarding how we should deal with Narcissists:

“People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unfeeling, uncooperative, slanderous, degenerate, brutal, hateful of what is good, traitors, reckless, conceited, and lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God. They will hold to an outward form of godliness but deny its power. Stay away from such people. For some of these men go into homes and deceive women. These women are always studying but are never able to arrive at a full knowledge of the truth. The men are depraved in mind and their faith is a counterfeit.”

Dani Moss, author of the blog Because It Matters, further analyzes typical abusive behaviors and how they’re addressed in the Bible:

I Tim. 5:8 says a man who does not provide for his family (provision = financial, spiritual, emotional protection and leadership) has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. God calls an unrepentant abusive spouse an unbeliever.  I Cor. 5:11 says believers are not to associate with, are not even to eat with, a person who is verbally abusive (“railer”). And I Cor. 7:13-15 says that if an unbelieving spouse removes (walks away from the marriage covenant – which can include staying in the house but leaving the relationship) himself from the marriage, the believing wife is to let him go. It may seem backwards for the believing wife to leave – but we have to remember that the “leaving” happens when a spouse does violence to his house (Mal. 2:13-16). The believing wife who removes to safety is not the one who abandoned the relationship.

Scripture and Narcissism FAQ

  • My Narcissistic spouse cheated.  Should I forgive them or go No Contact?  Forgiveness and going No Contact are two separate concepts.  You can forgive someone without maintaining the relationship or even informing them of your forgiveness.  Further, forgiveness doesn’t mean there are no consequences.  It simply means we don’t seek revenge or hang onto bitterness.  Regarding infidelity, if your spouse cheats consistently, the Bible clearly says that is grounds for a divorce.
  • What about emotional, physical, or sexual abuse?  It would be wise to avoid any further contact with them. The Bible never commands us to spend time with people in which our safety is threatened, or if we feel distressed around them.
  • No Contact seems cruel.  Isn’t there another way to resolve the issue?  This is a common reaction to people who face the reality that No Contact is the only way to move on.  It’s important to remember that No Contact isn’t meant to be a form of revenge towards the Narcissist.  It’s an act of self-love so that you can detach from the toxic relationship and go on to heal.  It’s equally as important to remember that for your thoughts of wanting to be fair, the Narcissist is planning ways to deceive and manipulate you.

A Collection of Biblical Quotes Related to Narcissism

Proverbs 23:9 Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of your words.

Proverbs 26:11  As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool returns to his folly.

        Proverbs 9:7,8  He that reproves a scorner gets to himself shame: and he that rebukes …

2 Corinthians 11:20 You put up with it when someone enslaves you, takes everything you have, takes advantage of you, takes control of everything, and slaps you in the face.

Psalms 1:1  Blessed is the man that walks not in the counsel of the wicked, and stands not in the way of sinners, and sits not in the seat of scorners.

        Proverbs 16:22 Understanding is a fountain of life to one who has it, but the punishment of fools is their folly.

Matthew 15:14 Leave them; they are blind guides. If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.

Mark 7:10-13  Moses gave you this law from God: ‘Honor your father and mother,’ and ‘Anyone who speaks disrespectfully of father or mother must be put to death. (Narcissists are often very disrespectful towards their parents).

Forgiveness Healing

God commands us to forgive.  We are blessed when we forgive. Forgiveness means letting go of anger and resentment, and not retaliating. It doesn’t mean we always forget. It doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences, nor should that things remain the same. There’s no question that it is wise for Christians to limit activity with people who are engaging in destructive behavior, and that includes going No Contact with Narcissists.

Why Doesn’t the Narcissist Move On?

man with flowers

Have you been ruminating on this question for months? Mistaking the Narcissist’s repeated reappearances for love or caring; forgiving your disordered partner for “being human”…the old “broken wing” rescue and restore mission?

There’s something wrong with this person and I’m going to do my best to fix them and our relationship. Once they finally realize how caring and forgiving I am, they’ll stop this back and forth and we’ll finally experience true love”.

In my last post, 7 Things Your Narcissist Won’t Tell You, I explain why the Narcissist keeps coming back. The question isn’t really why the Narcissist can’t move on. It becomes “Why can’t you move on?”

Let’s examine some of the reasons a Narcissist leaves, only to come back:

• They were unfaithful and you found out, or they openly admitted to an affair and left, saying they were in love with someone else. Months, weeks, or even mere days later, they come back with a sob story of how they cannot choose and don’t want to live without you in their life.

Reality – The new supply isn’t enough to fill the Narcissist’s needs and is likely still being love-bombed. The Narcissist can’t show their true colors to them yet. They’re about to blow like Mt. Pinatubo and they need a reliable receptacle. That’s why you experience a “loving reconciliation”, followed by days of darkness after the Narc’s volcanic eruption. After that’s out of their system, they return to the new supply, yet keep you hanging in the balance.

• You expressed your discontentment at something they said or did and their response was a 2-week silent treatment. How dare you mention that they hurt your feelings? Just when you resign yourself to the fact that the relationship is over…BAM! They waltz back in as if nothing happened, perhaps inviting you to lunch, which you accept without blinking.

Reality – The Narcissist hasn’t had a life-changing epiphany, as this is likely the 37th time they’ve ignored you in this hostile way. The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse designed to (1) place the Narcissist in a position of power; (2) silence your attempts at setting a boundary; (3) avoid conflict resolution or personal responsibility; or (4) punish you for a slight against their ego. It’s literally their way or the highway.

• After violating your soul and leaving for the umpteenth time, the Narcissist comes back with an apology and even agrees to counseling. After all, if you can get your “craziness, jealousy, sensitivity, and paranoia” taken care of, they might just give you another chance.

Reality – Almost all Narcissists pull the counseling card. It’s nothing more than a new way to buy time. They have no intention of being honest in the therapist’s chair and, in fact, will use the opportunity to make you look unhinged, using their trip to the Dr.’s office as a way of learning the lingo to further make you look like the unstable one, which causes you to further believe you’re the one with problems and feel lucky the Narcissist “has agreed to stay with you”.

So maybe you’re feeling a little off-kilter and have become suspicious and hypersensitive. Guess what, all victims of Narcissists do. It’s a symptom of emotional abuse after having been deceived, lied to, and mistreated. Don’t let your abusive partner fool you into thinking you are the weak link.

Being involved with a Narcissist results in your being deprived so much, that your reactions to your own emotional needs eventually result in believing that they’re wrong. You tell yourself the reason your needs aren’t met is because you don’t deserve for them to be, so you stop yourself from believing you should be treated with respect.

You’ve done everything you can. It’s time to surrender. Surrender and let go. The more impossible it feels to let go, the more important it is to do it. You’ve crossed the line between taking responsible actions to solve the problems in the relationship to wanting to control it. The more you try to control the Narcissist, the more they will use that as an excuse to abuse you more. Moreover, they’ll never give you the validation you’re holding out for.

The Narcissist doesn’t love anyone. Not even the new supply. Narcissists only love themselves (or overcompensate for not loving themselves) and they use us to shower themselves with this self-love. The more we keep accepting the Narcissist back into our lives, the more we enhance and prove the love they have for themselves. We prove to them that they are idols, which is all they need from life. Our repeated forgiveness and “yielding to their charm” IS the narcissistic supply they seek. That’s why they don’t move on.

It’s up to you to move on. Become your own idol.

I'm Done