Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam

man looking at woman

You and your Narcissistic partner have agreed that things just aren’t working out between the two of you.  You’ve heard all the reasons why you could never be an ideal partner for them.  In the middle of the discussion, he or she turns, gives you a pensive look and says, “I know we can’t be together, but I care about you a lot and don’t want to lose you completely.  Can we just be friends?”

You might as well call their new sex partner and invite him or her to stay in the bedroom where you and the Narcissist sleep together.  In fact, expect your bedroom to turn into community property as the Narcissist plays the both of you like fiddles.

Before we go into why their “Let’s be friends” suggestion is the most ridiculous scam ever, let’s examine why the two of you have agreed that the relationship is over.

The Narcissist’s top reasons for why it won’t work

  1. Although you’ve forgiven them for their numerous indiscretions, they don’t like hearing about how it’s hard on you and causes you emotional pain.  Can you please stop bringing that up?
  2. They just can’t understand why you refuse to have a threesome with another girl. Other people do it all the time, just like everyone in the world is addicted to porn.  Why can’t you stop being a prude?  In fact, his last girlfriend went on Craigslist and found the perfect companion for their threesomes.
  3. So what if they forgot your birthday last year and went out with another person? That was a year ago already.
  4. It’s not their fault you found an online dating profile on their phone. Why were you peeking in places you had no business doing so?  That’s a direct violation of their privacy.
  5. On that note, that nude sext on their messenger was obviously sent from a wrong number. What are you so upset about?
  6. They have every right to take a breather when things get hairy in the relationship. Everyone needs their space, regardless if it’s two days or two months.  Geez, get with the program.
  7. If you’d accepted their “fear of commitment”, things would probably have worked out.
  8. If you’d not gained that weight, they wouldn’t have needed to find another person for sex.
  9. You gave them that money. What are you complaining about now?
  10. Hey, you knew they were cheating and took them back, anyway. You don’t really have a leg to stand on…so what’s with the nuclear meltdowns?

Your reasons for why it won’t work

  1. You’re tired of being cheated on, made to feel unworthy, taken for granted, and mistreated… verbally, emotionally, and financially.
  2. If in doubt, see the previous section for emphasis.

As for why the “Let’s be friends” line is an epic scam, all you need to do is review the above reasons for why the relationship isn’t working.  First of all, how can someone who’s mistreating you in such brutal ways ever make a good friend?  In fact, why would you be willing to keep someone like that in your life?  Sure, they may have given you the impression that they cared at some point in history, but would you treat your friends like that?  Would you want your son or daughter dating someone like that?

I doubt it.  And you shouldn’t settle for such trickery, either.

So, why does the Narcissist suggest being friends?

  • So the two of you can accept your differences, yet remain loyal comrades after having learned valuable relationship lessons? Nope!  Not a chance.
  • So you can give each other pointers on career moves and financial strategies? Dream on!
  • So they can remain in the picture as a loving authority figure for your children? What a doozie!

The Narcissist makes this suggestion for one reason only.  They don’t want to commit, yet want to keep you around as an option (including in the bedroom).

Yep, it’s that simple.  If you are considering being “friends” with a person who considers you an option while simultaneously treating you like an outcast from skid row, then you may want to investigate the possibility that you have low self-esteem.  Even more importantly, you’ll want to entertain the idea that there are people out there in the world that would appreciate you, care about your dreams, and even love you.

But, you’ll need to get rid of that colossal dud first.

3 Common Evils of Narcissistic Women

Crazy Lady

When I first started Let Me Reach, I wrote mainly from a female perspective.  I was still hurting, raw, and mad as hell.  I’m happy to say I’ve healed and moved on, but an interesting thing has happened over the past year and a half.  I’ve progressively gained more male followers.

And they are suffering just as badly as the women who’ve been (or still are) involved with a pathological Narcissist.

There is one very unfortunate reality as it relates to female narcissists.  They often get away with their cray, especially when it comes to getting custody of any children involved because most states still favor children staying with their mothers.  And because these Hitler wannabes have their husbands or partners conditioned to her special brand of cray, he has learned to shut up, go along with it, and even hide her cray from the outside world.  Even better, she can can later collect child support and not have to worry about working, if she plays her cards right.

Do these pathological women care about their children?  No, they will go on to alienate them from their poor, unsuspecting fathers and often condition them to believe their father is an evil man…all because he had the balls to stand up for himself and leave.  For the reason that he determined she was too damn schizoid and he wasn’t going to be her pawn anymore.

What happens to any children that are, by all accounts, held prisoner by these she-devils is a story for another day (and a sad one, at that.) For now, I will compare and contrast three of the most common evils that narcissistic women get away with compared to their male equivalents.

1.  The bedroom isn’t their only means of brainwashing.  Let’s face it, men like sex.  And if a female narcissist can convince her target that she’s the absolute, hands-down best he will ever have, she has gone far in winning his admiration.  However, this is how male narcissists keep the devotion of their female targets, too…so, what’s the difference?

The difference is that female narcissists, by virtue of being female, play out the “damsel in distress” role to the hilt.  She rouses her male target’s need to take care of his woman by pretending to be vulnerable and in need of his care.  In exchange for his “protection”, she will morph into whatever ideal he has for a compatible mate.  Yes, male narcissists are great at projecting images and playing the part, but female narcs win the Oscar.  Consider the following:

  • Is he looking for the perfect step-mom? In a flash, she’s fixing dinner every night and offering to pick up the kids after school.  (Little does her new man know that she despises kids).
  • Does he have mommy issues? Out of nowhere, she’s holding his head in her lap and rubbing his hair gently while he spills his innermost insecurities and fears.
  • Does he want a pig farmer? Suddenly, she’s wearing daisy dukes and pigtails like Elly May in The Beverly Hillbillies (never mind she was formerly a vegetarian).

As you can see, female narcissists have no scruples when it comes to programming their prey.

2.  Female Narcissists and Borderlines will often file false charges with the police, claim to be pregnant, claim to have had a miscarriage, claim that an Ex is stalking them, etc., etc., all while looking innocent as a lamb.

Male narcissists certainly do their share of lying, cheating, and engaging in other morally bankrupt schemes, but again, narcissistic women get away with more simply by virtue of being female.  They not only lie, cheat, and plot…they know they can get away with it.  Indeed, they feel even more entitled because of their belief they should be treated like royalty.

These are women who use men for cars, money, homes, a relationship, sex, and whatever resources they need and can get from men at any given time.  They often have some excuse as to why they cannot work outside the home, even going so far as to claim they have a phobia that prevents them from doing so (because of her horrible childhood, remember?)

Doesn’t it seem odd, then, how she can go partying with her friends…even traveling to another state for some big shin-dig?  Perhaps a seductive flash of her cleavage will help you see her side of things – never mind that cop who is banging on your front door.

3.  No matter what you’ve done to make her happy, she’s still Medusa in disguise. Just as their male counterparts are never happy, neither are female Narcissists.  This is often described as their “moving the goalposts”, “the never-ending prospect of redemption”, and the almighty “no-win situation”.

Women are supposed to be moody…what with hormones, PMS, and menopause and such, right?  This is exactly what she’s counting on you to believe…all while she runs amok like a rabid dog, changing her wants minute-to- minute, while having you believe her unhappiness is all your fault.  You know what else she’s counting on?  The fact that society has not only taught us that men are supposed to take care of their women, but also to not show any sign of emotion when the going gets tough.  At all costs, you should put on a stoic front and deal with things with nary a sign of being human.

Yes, narcissistic women are every bit as evil as their disordered counterparts.  The main difference is that by their being an exclusive member of the “gentler sex”, they can more easily spread their poison, use, and abuse – and look pretty while doing it.

Even if your girlfriend, fiancé, or wife is beautiful beyond words, don’t use that as an excuse to overlook abusive behaviors.  She may trap you by becoming pregnant (in which case you should demand a paternity test), use your decent morals to her advantage, and eventually end up with half of your house, earnings, and take your kids away from you…all with ample help from the courts.  Look into the future…do you want to be free, or at least on the way to healing…or sinking deeper into her emotional quicksand?

The Art of Love Bombing

love-bombing-guess-who

Hey there, beautiful.

I can hardly believe that someone as intelligent as you are is here, reading my blog post.

That you are even giving me a few minutes of your precious time brightens my entire day.

Out of all the sites out there, you are here…on mine. 

Do you know what that means?  Destiny has brought you here.  It’s in the stars for us to be together. 

Just one glance from your eyes gives my life purpose. 

Speaking of the stars…can I ask you a question?  Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?

Seriously, I hope I’m not being too forward here, but has anyone told you lately how amazingly beautiful you are?  You are undoubtedly the most stunning person I’ve ever seen; the smartest, the most exquisite.

And the fact that I get that about you makes me the luckiest person alive. 

Why don’t you give me your number?  I promise not to bite…that is, unless you want me to.  You just say the word. 

So, shall I call you tonight around seven?  I will make you forget about everything that’s ever caused you grief or sorrow, if you’ll just give me the chance. 

I’ll protect you…you will be safe with me.  I will show you what it means to be taken care of.

*******

Remember those words?  Remember how, after giving into the constant praise and flattery, the “intimacy” was so great?  How your partner told you that you had the best body, the best love-making skills, and how they couldn’t get enough of you?

You were the classiest, most charming person they’d ever met.  The two of you were soul mates, right?

And these are the words that ring in your mind for years – keeping you hooked, desperate, and longing for a hint of those feelings of importance, worthiness, and deservedness.  Long after the abuse has set in; long after you discovered the lies, the cheating, and that your partner has no conscience.

Why is it that you morph into putty when the Narcissist says these words to you, when others have tried to garner your attention and failed?  Why do you stay with them, even after having discovered they aren’t sincere in their words or promises?

One reason is that Narcissists are charming, convincing, and very good at their game.  While most of them are attractive, even those who aren’t can make themselves appear to be so through the way they dress, their attitudes, and the various images they project.  Further, if sex with them is good, they become even more attractive in their target’s eyes.  There’s nothing like oxytocin to keep one attached to a partner, whether or not the partner in question is good for one’s well-being.

On the other hand, there’s another reason Narcissists are good at hooking and keeping their targets.  They learn our deepest insecurities and fears, and then proceed to magnify them to the point that we become obsessed with maintaining their approval and validation.  They

In the beginning, the Narcissist told you everything you ever wanted to hear about your worth.  They built you up, high in the sky, where you thought nothing could ever bring you down.  You’d never felt so understood and appreciated.

Then, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute the Narcissist began deconstructing the foundation of your new-found confidence.  They made you doubt yourself, your worth, and your potential for success and happiness.  In short, they resurrected the toxic shame you likely developed during your childhood years, when many of us learned that we were born bad, sinful, and imperfect and there was nothing we could do about it.

Hence, after the idealization phase from the Narcissist, your soul experienced a slow, torturous descent into the pits of self-loathing, insecurity, and misery.  And every day, you wait for the Narcissist to show some sign of remorse, some indication that you’re not so unworthy, after all.

Why is it that other people can tell you all day long how attractive, successful, and worthy you are, yet it does little to relieve your grief?  It’s because those people aren’t abusing your inner child, which is precisely what the Narcissist is doing to you each day that you remain in a relationship with him or her.  Indeed, the Narcissist does this intentionally and with ill-will. They’ve turned love-bombing into an art form, albeit a very toxic one.

It’s how they keep you hooked…but, you can stop this cycle of darkness and grief.  Imagine your younger self, the one the Narcissist emotionally abuses each day, take him or her by the hand, and lead them into safety.  Only by standing up for your inner child will you begin your journey of emotional healing.  One way you can do that is by love-bombing your younger self to stabilize the grief you experienced as a child.  Whereas the Narcissist keeps you enmeshed with their manipulative punishment and reward system, you can love your adult and younger self unconditionally, which is a concept the Narcissist will never comprehend.

 

baby-kisses-mirror

 

I am worth loving.  I deserve all good in my life and I know that as I accept this on a deep level for myself it becomes true for me. 

 

 

 

Narcissists and the Shame Agenda

Sad Woman Shamed

Wouldn’t the red shoes look better with that outfit?”

A seemingly innocent question, no?  But, if the person being asked is in an emotionally abusive relationship, it can trigger a sinking, burning sense of humiliation, which in the case of a relationship with a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B, personality-disordered type), is what the asker wants to achieve in the asking of the question.

If you’ve been following my blog or reading about Narcissism in general, you probably already know the intent of an emotionally abusive partner when they provoke their target(s) to feel shame.

But, where does that shame come from?  How do we develop it?  And how do Narcissists know exactly what to do or say in order to trigger it?  I will attempt to answer these questions, but first let’s examine two types of shame and how they manifest in our lives.

Shame resulting from guilt

It may be surprising to learn that some shame is healthy.  Specifically, the kind of shame one might feel after hurting another person, either intentionally or unintentionally.  Or, perhaps when we’ve been persuaded to do something that’s completely out of character for us.  Feeling this kind of shame is generally good.  This is the type of shame that comes from having a healthy conscience and a desire for other people to feel good about themselves.

This first type of shame is an emotion; a feeling.  We experience it, and then hopefully make strides to correct whatever action we took that produced it.

However, there is another type of shame that is destructive.  In fact, this type of shame isn’t an emotion or a feeling, but a state of being.  This is toxic shame, which has been internalized within the person who lives with it.  It’s a part of who they are, often without their being consciously aware of it.  And unless they make a dedicated effort to get to its source and heal from it, they will never feel at peace with themselves, nor in most of the relationships they form with other people.

Let’s look further into the subject of toxic shame and how it develops.

Toxic shame

Sadly, toxic shame develops in one’s childhood as a result of having caregivers who themselves were raised to feel they weren’t good enough.  It’s a disease that’s been passed down through generations for centuries.

When we were little children, around the age of, say, two or three, we were innocent.  We loved to explore and learn about the world and our surroundings.  Being naturally curious, we often got ourselves into situations that our parents or caregivers didn’t particularly care for.  Maybe we were curious about our mother’s cosmetics, or perhaps our father’s musical instrument.  If we were raised by parents who carried the disease of toxic shame, we were likely punished.  At times physically, even at such a young and tender age.

During our formative years, we did not have the capacity to process these events.  All we knew was that we were having a great time, when all of a sudden, our hand was being smacked, or perhaps we were suddenly yelled at and spanked. Obviously, if this happened on a regular basis, we began to believe we were just bad.  We started to feel perpetually anxious and afraid, not ever knowing when our caregiver’s wrath would be delivered upon us.

As we grew older, maybe the physical punishment continued, and when we were old enough to understand more about our language, we heard things such as, “Cant’ you ever learn?!”, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”, “Tears come easy to a girl who doesn’t get her way.”, and the like.

Cultural shame added to our sense of being innately bad.  Perhaps, during the course of one’s childhood, one may have attended Church…where they were told, “We are all born into this world sinners because of the sins of Adam and Eve. That’s why childbirth is so painful, and why we all must die a mortal death.”  Admittedly, I was afraid of Church as a small girl.  It seemed our whole existence consisted of fire, brimstone, and gnashing of teeth.  Unless someone told us otherwise, how were we supposed to learn we are good and that the world can be a wonderful place?  How were we to know real love instead of fear and shame?

Unfortunately, most people who live with toxic shame never had anyone to tell them that they were worthy, smart, or had great potential.  What’s more, this is what they carried with them into their adulthood.  They grew up believing they were born bad and there wasn’t a thing they could do to redeem themselves, except to conform to other people’s wants and desires…perhaps getting a sliver of recognition here and there…similar to the ones they may have received as a child.

These are the very things that Narcissists seek out in their partners – stories of painful childhoods; of not feeling good enough; of not being recognized or acknowledged; of parents who were never around, or who were always too involved in their own lives to care for anyone else.  Once a Narcissist learns this about a new lover, he or she coldly and calculatingly starts the love-bombing phase to hook their target.  Once said target is in love and feeling safe, the Narcissist begins withholding affection, stonewalling, being unavailable, and worse, begins the silent treatments…all to activate their target’s fear of abandonment, which in turn, brings to the surface toxic shame which their partner has tried to keep dormant during his or her lifetime.

Narcissists are shame experts

It’s no secret that Narcissists typically don’t experience the same feelings we do as they pertain to emotions such as joy, love, compassion, and common decency.  However, if there’s one thing they do share with us, it’s shame.  That’s why they are so good at shaming us.  They know exactly what to say and do to bring out that burning sense of not belonging, not being good enough, and being inherently “bad”.  It also explains why, no matter how much we give during the relationship, it’s never good enough.

People who carry the heavy load of toxic shame truly believe there is something wrong with them.  They dislike themselves for it and they are deathly afraid that the people around them will see through the images they project and dislike them for it, too.  In many cases, shame-based people have no idea they have these feelings about themselves because they’ve built up defenses to bury those thoughts so they could survive.  However, healing toxic shame is a critical first step for those who find themselves addicted to toxic relationships

It all starts with acknowledgement

Carrying toxic shame doesn’t mean you can never be happy, healthy, or know real love.  All that is still in you, waiting for you to clear out the shame in your mind and let your true self emerge.  It won’t be easy.  In fact, it’s often terrifying and excruciatingly painful.  Facing and conquering your shame will require more bravery than you’ve probably had to muster in your life.  But, if you’ve read this far, I imagine this journey may very well be something you’re willing to try.

Planet V

Planet V

Excerpt from How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!

Venus is a lovely being.  She gives her love unconditionally and cares for others in the most unselfish way; she isn’t pretentious in her giving of love.  She adores those in her world:  her parents, her children, and her friends.  Some accuse her of being too nice, but she doesn’t know any other way to be…this is who she is, a being of light, love, and kindness.

On another realm are humanoids that live on the planet Nars.  It’s a mostly male population, but some females have infiltrated this stark planet, as well.  It’s a hostile place to be.  These humanoids have overrun their world and must occupy a new one in order to keep their species alive.  They have no emotions and are only concerned with their individual survival.  After touching down on Planet V, they find the perfect host…Venus.  She is everything the Humanoids need to keep their kind alive.   Venus freely gives her emotions, her resources, and opens up her world to the Narcoid.

These humanoids from Nars have studied Venus’ behavior for decades.  They know exactly what she looks for in a mate, and they mimic this image perfectly.  Venus doesn’t realize that the Humanoid is an imposter.  When Venus first comes into contact with a Narcoid, she sees him as her twin soul.  He is kind, loving, generous, and treats her like a Goddess.  They do everything together, and because her new partner is so “rare”, she agrees to a union in a short amount of time.

After a short while, Venus begins to observe inconsistencies.  Her new mate starts to display behaviors that are completely foreign to her.  He becomes mean, critical, and condescending.  This causes confusion within Venus’ mind and heart.  She believes she has done something to injure her partner, so she tries everything within her power to reverse the breakdown of their bond.  The Narcoid thrives on this false belief, and proceeds to enslave Venus by instilling more false beliefs within her of being insufficient, not good enough…the root of their problems.  This is how he keeps her enslaved, knowing she will give her all.

Narcoids are on Planet V to steal souls and turn all Venuses into Narcissistic Supply.  In fact, they steal not only Venus’ soul, but those of her offspring, as well (even if he fathers them).  Once this domination is complete, they move on to another Venus and begin the process anew.

Narcoids leave a path of destruction so great that Venus and her young lose their spirit.  Venus further  loses her livelihood and hope.  The only strength she has left is given to her young.  However, sometimes Venus is so completely devastated, she is no longer able to do that, either.

Could you be the main character in this sci-fi piece? Is it time for you to pen a different ending? You can change how your story will end.  It all starts with intention.  Imagine a different ending and share in the comments section below!

Booze, Cigarettes, and Emotional Eating – The After-No Contact Diet and 5 Ways to Change It

You implemented No Contact or have been temporarily discarded (because Psychopaths almost always come back), and now you’ve got Pizza Hut on speed-dial, a stash of chocolate that would make Willie Wonka blush, a beer-can pyramid that would totally impress the Dos Equis guy (or maybe you’re considering melting all those wine bottles down into cheese trays), and you’ve set off the smoke alarm a few times from the excessive number of cigarettes you smoke while stalking your Ex on his or her Facebook page.

cheese tray

Welcome to the After-No Contact Diet.  What?  You thought you were the only one?  Feeling a little sleazy because you go to bed every night with Ben and Jerry?  Take it from a former Platinum award-holder in dirty martinis, your conundrum is not only common, we could probably create a whole new demographic for the United States Census.

Now that you can come out from behind that newspaper, let’s talk about five ways you can change your new-found dietary decadence before you land yourself in the ER.

  1. Don’t try to quit everything at once

Talk about setting yourself up for failure.  Attempting to make too many simultaneous changes while suffering the already life-altering emotional trauma you’re enduring would be akin to walking a tight rope with an elephant on your shoulders.

Instead, pick one habit you won’t absolutely die without and work on quitting that one first.  You can wean yourself or go cold-turkey, whatever works for you.  However, a series of small, doable steps is typically the best approach when experiencing overwhelming stress.  Celebrate your small victories (though perhaps not by eating that death-by-chocolate, triple chunk-walnut, super-sized ice cream tower)

  1. Quitting drinking greatly reduces your chances of making a bleating idiot of yourself

If you have fallen prey to drunk-dialing, 3 a.m. sentimental emails to the Ex and their new supply, or crying/collapsing/falling-asleep-in-your-front-yard-while-sucking-your-thumb episodes, you would do well to begin cutting back on the alcohol.  If you can’t bear the thought of abrupt withdrawal, then instead of drinking the whole bottle of Shiraz, drink half instead.  The following week, take it down to a glass.  Then, see your family physician for a non-addictive anxiety medication…preferably one that takes effect as soon as possible.  Lastly, incorporate guided meditations into your daily routine.  Once you start feeling the Zen, you can stop the meds.

Zen Dog

  1. Know that smoking may eventually cause spontaneous blindness

Not really, but it can cause a plethora of symptoms and diseases that could cause a spontaneous heart attack (or worse).  I know I’m being Captain Obvious here, but if you want to be around for your kid’s graduation, your dog’s obedience school certification, or when the Karma bus stops in front of your Ex’s house, quitting smoking is absolutely critical.

Besides, you could use the extra money to pay for therapy sessions.

  1. Every time you engage in emotional eating, an angel loses its wings

…and that angel is you.

Emotional Eating

Narcissistic abuse already imbues us with cripplingly low self-esteem and gaining weight only amplifies the problem.  If you feel the need to eat (which is really an act of self-soothing and trying to fill an emotional void), stock your shelves with foods you can eat in large quantities with little consequence.  These might include:  popcorn (try to avoid microwave brands), low-calorie soups, fruit pops, apricots, watermelon, rice crackers with wasabi peas, mountains of sautéed veggies, and kale chips.

(Sorry, I know you were hoping for rib eyes and Fritos).

  1. Know your triggers

Every habit is triggered by some event.

Smokers – Many people smoke after stress, drinking alcohol, or being around other smokers.   Try to limit your exposure to these environmental stimuli.  Additionally, here are some links to help you get started:

The 23 Best Ways to Quit Smoking

10 ways to resist tobacco cravings

Can E-Cigarettes Help You Quit Smoking?

Drinkers – If you’re tired of waking up with the bouncer from that seedy dance club, stop going there.  For a long time.  Going to bars and clubs while trying to maintain No Contact is a disaster waiting to happen.  Besides, you might run into the Ex and catapult yourself into another decade of psychosis.

On the other hand, when trying to implement a healthier lifestyle, go with the lesser of two evils until you get stronger.  If eating half a bag of Hershey’s Kisses will help you put down the bottle, then go for it.  You can work on changing your eating habits later.

Eaters – If you find yourself munching down while casually browsing your Ex’s social media, then the best course of action is to throw your laptop out of a moving vehicle (or at the very least, block your Ex and deactivate your social media accounts for a couple of months).

Hopefully, these tips will help empower you to break out of the After-No Contact Diet and start a new, healthy plan. Your stress levels need not rise, and your body and psyche will both thank you.

Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse – See How Quickly You Can Take Your Recovery To The Next Level

 

Journey to Self Love

Next free webinar is March 30th!  Claim your spot!

Have you been in therapy for months or even years with no relief from the pain, trauma, and anxiety caused by having been narcissistically abused and wounded?

Does it feel like the relationship ended just yesterday, though your Ex has moved on and started a new life with someone else?

Do you wake up every day wondering when or if you will ever get your life back?

Have you lost your friends or even your job due to the depression caused by emotional abuse, yet can’t seem to get motivated to change?

Or maybe you grew up with a Narcissistic parent and have been trying to navigate through a painful life without knowing where to turn…

Many victims of Narcissistic abuse never really recover, regardless of how many books they read or how many support groups they’re in.  Knowledge is extremely important during recovery, but it only takes us so far.  The reason is because real recovery takes place on the subconscious level.

What if I told you there is hope for your future?

If you’re in pain, struggling, or unclear on how you can take your recovery to the next level, I wanted to let you know that Melanie Tonia Evans has opened the doors for her next Live event – The 3 Keys To Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse on March 30th in the US and March 31st in Australia.

Her last event went live last week and it’s safe to say the results have been mind blowing. We’ve been hearing from so many people that within a week after taking part in the event that they have already received the key insights they need to know exactly how to take their recovery to the next level and begin the journey to thriving after narcissistic abuse.

Here are a few messages we’ve received from people who took part in the last webinar:

The webinar was amazing Melanie. I found a core issue that I didn’t know existed. What touched me the most was I made the connection that most of my experience came from my birth addict father until age 6. I saw clearly the connection between addictions, abuse and that I had been narcissistically abused. The shift I felt was powerful, and I knew I was on the way to healing. Now that I am on NARP, I finished Module 1 this morning and I’m already feeling better. Lighter. Freer. I can tell right here, right now, this was a very valuable investment.
~ Shawn USA

Your webinar was such a breakthrough for me. I never realized that I still carried around the pain of being abandoned at a young age. I’m constantly trying to prove to this person that I am worthy of love just because I’m me and I’ve put up with abuse because I felt I don’t deserve any better. Through your Webinar I connected directly with “what is going on”, and I felt incredible relief after the shift we did in the Webinar together. I hope other people can experience what I did and know that there is hope and there is answers to get well.
~ J E USA

The experience I had in the Webinar recording took me completely by surprise. I have been having therapy for a while now, but I had never found the “core” as easily I did in the healing with Melanie. I know I have let go of layers of pain, and for the first time for as long as I could remember, I slept soundly. The next day I felt completely different. I know there is still lots of shifting and healing to do, but I am excited that if I could feel this much relief in one shift, what is going to be my progress with more of this work? I finally have hope, something within me knows Melanie’s process is the answer.
~ K Lee GB

The next day after the Webinar several realisations came to me. It’s as if my subconscious has opened up to reveal truth. It’s not daunting – it is a relief. I now see a way forward and I am so grateful that I feel I am standing for my inner self now. I feel stronger now and I know I am going to be able to heal.
~ JM Australia

Did I mention it’s free? 

True healing takes a commitment to healing your unhealed parts, cleaning up your damaged inner identity, and releasing limiting beliefs that existed before you even met the Narcissist…

With no risk to you, you can take this incredible opportunity to heal your unhealed parts, the ones that you have never reached before, and break free into a life experience that surpasses anything that you believed was possible…

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**If you are unable to attend the live webinar, you will get a recording of the event just for signing up!

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How to do No Contact Like a Boss! is available for pre-order :)

 

For ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists

 

Narcissistic Parents: Coming Out of Denial – by Jade Joddle 

As Adult Children of Narcissists (ACONs), coming out of denial about the abuse we experienced in childhood is a brave step along our healing journies. When we can look at our parents with objective eyes and accept that the ‘love’ we received from them was conditional and stingy, then we become empowered to develop a healthier dynamic with our narcissistic parent(s) in the present, in which we are less susceptible to their manipulation tactics. For some this realisation may mean going no contact with their narcissistic parent(s). For others, it may mean developing healthier boundaries and a redefined notion of give and take in their relationship with mum or dad. In my personal experience it has meant forgiveness of my mother who was/is neither able to express love towards me nor capable of giving me her direct attention.

As long as we keep telling ourselves that our controlling parents love/d us, we stay stuck in denial – a dangerous space where our parents still have the power to direct our lives and dictate our emotions. When the abuse suffered is overt – clear and apparent for all to see – then it is much easier to ‘own’ the fact that one is an ACON. However, in cases where the manipulation of the narcissist is/was subtle and under the radar, the adult ACON is likely to be confused about the real status of their one-sided relationship with their narcissistic parent. This can mean the ACON stays stuck in denial where they tell themselves the comforting lie that the abusive, controlling behaviour of the narcissist parent towards them is an expression of his/her loving care.

While on the surface it may seem that a covert narcissistic parent really loves or is even devoted to their child, the reality is that every action of the narcissist is self-serving. This is because the narcissist parent uses their child(ren) as a means of validating the stories they wish to believe about themselves. Generally these stories revolve around being seen as a ‘good’ parent whose children are accomplished or in some way special. However, look below the surface of the covert narcissist-child dynamic and you will see that the parent always has an agenda to get their own needs for narcissistic supply met by their child(ren). In other words, covert narcissist parents put on a masquerade of love in order to get their own needs and desires met by the child.

Covert Narcissistic Parents: 3 Under The Radar Types

The Smothering Narcissist – This kind of parent does not allow their child room to breathe. By ‘over-loving’ the child the narcissist controls every aspect of his/her life. Smothering narcissistic parents overwhelm their children with their unregulated emotions to the extent that their children learn to suppress their own feelings. While on the surface such parents may appear to be selflessly devoted to their children, their apparent self-sacrifice comes with strings attached. The child is not allowed to pursue their own path in life and is groomed to become the emotional caretaker of the parent, which due to a complete absence of boundaries between them, means that every mood swing or emotional dip experienced by the parent is felt by the child in tandem. If the child or ACON makes an attempt to take responsibility for his/her own life, the bid for freedom will be countered with guilt trips or explosions of narcissistic rage (see the video below for more signs).

Adult Children of Smothering Narcissists say: ‘When you are happy, I am happy.’

 

The Mini-Me Creator Narcissist- This kind of parent creates a child in their own image. Parent and child appear to be so close that there is no separation between their personalities and interests; the mini-me is merely a younger version of the adult narcissist. While the dynamic between the narcissist and their mini-me shows a strong bond between them, the truth is that the child created in the image of their parent has no identity of their own. The adult mini-me may be so enmeshed with their parent that they are never able to fully separate from them.

Adult Children of Mini-Me Creator Narcissists say: ‘What would mum/dad say?’

 

The Dismissive Narcissist – This kind of parent denies their child of attention or validation of any kind. While the child may be well provided for in a practical sense by having all their material needs met, any kind of emotional connection from parent to child is distinctly lacking between them. The child of a dismissive narcissist learns not to seek emotional contact with the parent because attempts at bonding are dismissed and rejected by the narcissist. This kind of narcissistic parent is not able to give their full attention to the child at any time – chores, watching television, or socialising will always come first. Even if the child develops a talent or becomes a high achiever in some area of his/her life, the dismissive parent will only rarely or reluctantly acknowledge what the child has accomplished. Praise from parent to child will be particularly stingy, even wholly absent in the relationship.

Adult Children of Dismissive Narcissists say: ‘Nothing I do is ever good enough.’

 

For more signs to recognise the covert narcissist parent see below:

(original link:  http://letmereach.com/for-acons-adult-children-of-narcissists/)

Let Me Reach is going on Holiday!

Adiós hasta 09 de marzo!

I am going on a wonderful, exotic vacay and will be gone until March 9th. Thank you to all of you who follow me each day. I hope to come back rejuvenated with fresh, new ideas and inspiring messages for all of you who are trying to detach from toxic relationships.

Tu puede hacerlo!

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