5 Reasons Why it’s Critical That You Leave Your Narcissistic Partner

Image

I often hear from my readers about how they can’t seem to severe the ties and leave their Narcissistic partner.  They’re still holding onto hope that the nightmare will end and the love they’ve been holding out for will become a reality; the intimate encounters are good; the Narc contributes to the community/is religious; the Narc is making an effort to make them jealous, so they must still care…the list goes on.

I know how that feels.  I’ve been there.

How do you get the Narcissist out of your head, stop obsessing, and stop ruminating?  It comes from understanding that the Narcissist does not see you as an individual.  You are only in their life as a disposable resource.  All the words of love and promises are lies.  Here, I list the top 5 reasons why you need to make the commitment to yourself to leave the toxic relationship and begin your path to recovery.

1) The Narc has/is destroying the very makeup of what makes you…you.  Your strengths of confidence, business savvy, intelligence, warmth, caring, and belief in yourself, your values…all in danger of oblivion.  Look at yourself today compared to the person you were before meeting the Narc.  Is there even an inkling of that former person left?  Have you gone against everything that ever meant anything to you?  Have your friends, family, and children been included in the Narc’s twisted games?

The reality is that one day you will begin to loathe yourself for allowing this person to take away your sense of self, subject your loved ones to his/her poison, and allowing them to kill happy memories that you could have made with the people who matter to you the most.  You will realize you were dealing with an imposter and that you enabled him/her to continue their destruction while stealing precious moments that you can never get back.

2) Staying in a toxic relationship subtracts years from your life.  Do you know what happens when you are in a state of constant stress and your body is in perpetual fight-or-flight mode?  The effects include damage to your body, mood, and behavior.  Stress damages your DNA, making you sick both physically and mentally, and can subtract up to eight years or more from your life span depending on your genetic predispositions.  Your body’s systems fall out of sync,  which in turn ages you prematurely.  When your DNA becomes damaged, your body has a higher risk of developing cancer and other life-shortening illnesses.

Do you have children?  Do you want to be around when they graduate from college?  Don’t you want to enjoy what life you have left?

Staying with a Narcissist will not enable you to do those things.  If you do make it to your child’s graduation, you’ll probably hobble in on a cane or worse, in a wheelchair wearing an adult diaper and a stent from the quadruple bypass you had.

3) If you have children, there will come a point where you won’t be able to hide the toxic traits of your relationship.  You will eventually lose strength, due to depression and feelings of hopelessness, and hiding the toxicity will become next to impossible.

Do you argue, shout, and/or cry in front of your children when the Narc is around?  What do you think happens during this time of your child’s development when they witness their parent(s) doing these things?  Aside from the emotional outbursts, does the Narc do mean things to your children, such as make fake promises to them; take their money that they find lying around; make jabs at their appearance; pump your child/children for information when you’re not around; include your child/children in their sick mind games?

If you can’t leave the Narcissist for your own benefit, then do it for the sake of your children.  They are helpless in this situation and they depend on you to protect them from harm.  Don’t give your children a bad start to their own ideas of what’s normal in a marriage/relationship.  They are building their belief systems now.  Make sure they have a solid foundation by leaving as soon as possible.

4) Many victims of Narcissistic Abuse go on to commit suicide.  I have read sad accounts of this happening, many times.  It happened because they finally gave in to the belief that their situation was inescapable.  Avoid this by going No Contact.  Don’t give them even a small crack to wedge themselves back into your world.  Delete all their attempts at communication such as emails and texts.  Block them from your phone and email.  Once they know you are ignoring them, they may try having their family or friends to contact you.  Don’t fall for it…cut ALL ties with the Narcissist.  I’m talking Full Metal Jacket…you are on a mission, don’t let the enemy get to you.

If you have children with your Narc, document everything.  Write in journals, keep an ongoing Word document, keep phone records, back up your text messages, see if you have any friends or family willing to testify if you go to court.  Give your Narc the times they can call and stick to those times.  Of course, this might be different if your child is in the care of the Narc, such as their court-ordered visitation.  I always keep myself open to calls during these times.  If my Ex tries to open up a conversation about anything not related to our son, I hang up.

No Contact is important because it contributes to cutting the emotional ties.  Don’t give yourself the chance to hear their voice.  After a while, you’ll feel yourself getting back to normal, little by little, day by day.  On the other hand, if you give in to them, you’ve wasted another day of your life.

5) You open yourself up to STDs and other illnesses.  Yep, that’s right.  Narcissists are notorious for cheating.  As such, you put yourself at great risk of contracting various forms of Sexually Transmitted Diseases.  I know it’s hard to accept, because most likely you’ve been monogamous all along, but not the Narc.  Don’t project your values of a committed relationship onto them because it will leave you in a constant state of confusion and frustration.

If your partner is a Narcissist and you want children in your future, the best thing to do is stop fornicating with a serial cheater.  There are diseases out there that will literally destroy your reproductive system.  Not to mention that you could contract something like herpes, where you’d be obligated to inform any future lovers you have of your disease.   Just imagine how embarrassing that would be.  How would you react if a new romantic interest informed you they had herpes or, worse, AIDS?  Don’t do that to yourself.

All of these scenarios have long-term, far-reaching consequences.  Forget about that fairy tale romance with your Narcissistic partner, unless your idea of a fairy tale is likened to that of The Little Mermaid, who was eventually found washed up on shore…

About these ads

78 comments on “5 Reasons Why it’s Critical That You Leave Your Narcissistic Partner

    • That’s very kind of you…I moved past the pain a while ago, but I have some readers, as well as a good friend, who are engaged their own battles with Narcissistic partners. Although, I may still harbor some resentment for the lost years…

      It’s my hope that by throwing out these scenarios, most of which I endured, it will help others snap out of the trance and make the courageous decision to just leave.

      Always nice to hear from you.

      • Thank you for you information. I recently found out what I’m dealing with. If I could only get past the intense pain. He left yesterday. I feel like I can’t breathe and I want to throw up.

      • Anon,

        I can relate to that feeling. If you haven’t already, you may want to consider some of the healing tools and meditations I have here on the site. I’d recommend starting with the meditations, especially the ones on self-esteem and releasing attachments.

        Wishing you the best <3

    • Hi navigator 1965. This is all very true and I have felt this way before. I once wrote and taped to a bedroom wall about if I don’t leave I will end up dead. I sensed this. Of course the undue stress of it all makes sense too. This is no way to live at all. I didn’t know any better for a while until I started codependence anonymous. I still am not sure if he literally has NPD, but I do know he has BPD and shows his angry side 95% of the time. I mean it has been severe. I asked him all of the time if he had a conscience because of the way he has been and didn’t seem sorry at all or like it bothered him. His isn’t to the point of making sure there isn’t a hair out of place or vain. It goes deeper than that. All of his anger is my fault. He has belittled me, thrown chairs, threatened to punch me threw things at me and etc. He has emotional abused me, bullies me, intimidates me and he still does all of this even when I’m sick and I need his help. It’s awful. I am scared to death of having this mess too. I don’t want to be that way. On another page when you said that only a shell of what I used to be will be left of me is so true. I have lost myself and don’t know how to get me back. I filed for a divorce after 5 years of marriage and am going to get a place soon. It feels good to finally have some freedom. He displayed this NPD and it makes sense to me that he would have it, but I don’t like to diagnose anyone because I’m not in this field. I just know that you can’t change these people. I’ve asked him to but he doesn’t want to and he thinks he is justified. He even punishes me when I get angry. I yell, yes but he goes off the chain in an extreme violent rage that is so not normal. I tried, I gave it my all. There is nothing left. Nothing here anyway. I’m so ready to move forward and I hope I can find support, and new friends. Thanks.

  1. Adding to number 3. Your children not only can become hurt by the narcissist, they may believe that you are the one that is “wrong” and emulate the narcissistic behaviours. (unfortunately, I learned this one first hand).

    • I can sadly testify that my narc husband is so completly deranged that he has actually envolved my son and daughter who were helping him sneak lovers into our family home, male and female, and more horrifying yet was catching him in sexual contact with both our children and it was clearly concentual.There is no greater betrayal than this, and its my fault for not divorcing him when I was 24. My son is definately his fathers creation, though I desperately hope my daughter has not turned into a narcissist and that when I get away from him she can tell me why and how he seduced her to his depravity. Cheating doesn’t come close to describing my spouses sexcapades. He used mobile and web “hook-up” sites. He was also screwing the neighbors on either side of our home… NOTHING and NO ONE is off limits or out of reach for them. He did these things with me in the very next room, while I has cooking, doing laundry, or just using the toilet… just that quick and easy. Just so you know, I was/am very attractive, was asked twice in my 20’s to pose for playboy and again @ 36 , after 4 children even and I still don’t look 40, so looks have no hold on narcs. Furthermore I have an extremely high sexdrive, I’d like it 3 times a day, so he’s had sex almost everyday of our 20 yrs together, including other female friends… so he can’t claim he’s ever been deprived. It breaks my heart to the core of my soul when he looks in my eyes and says “I love U!” B/c depsite all the evil things he’s done, even breaking my bones… he’s still so handsome, that I don’t want to see the cruel brutal beast he is. I am going completely off grid and moving out of state asap and I won’t ever look back!

    • Mine do. they think he is right, and I am all messed up. I look it, I seem so emotion, and afraid, stressed.. of-course they believe it is me that has the problem. and in a way, it is. the problem is how to get away. Then rebuild my emotions. If I can.

      • I have just found out after 47yrs togeather we met at 15 and are now 62 that my husband has been leading a double life with another woman for 30yrs I’m in a terrible state of shock and he is still saying it is not true the violence and abuse when I confronted him was un believable he even locked all the doors and took the keys and the car key but when he was asleep I used my spare keys which he did not know about to escape at 5am I travelled 300 miles to my daughters I am panicking and can’t get the thought of him and this woman out of my head our whole life has been a sham I really don’t know how ir if I will get over this hurt

  2. Pingback: Owning a Cat Can Help You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse | Kim Raya's Let Me Reach

  3. Pingback: When You Let the Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Kim Raya's Let Me Reach

    • It seems perhaps you are attracting them because you have a Narcissist as a mother…the reason for this vary, but when one has a narcissistic parent, they become so conditioned to being someone’s extension, they subconsciously put out vibes that attract more narcissists. Also, we sometimes tend to attract partners that remind us in some way of our parents. We have unresolved childhood issues that we want to resolve through the new partner, only it never works out that way.

      For myself, I had deep self-esteem issues to work through. That’s why I attracted and kept a Narc in my life for far too long…

  4. The no contact rule is crucial. My ex-boyfriend is begging to have some face to face time but I have refused. I know he will just try to guilt me back into the relationship so that I can be his “nothing” again.

    • Gracielynne, I must have gone through that a few hundred times. No Contact is the only way because they know us inside and out and know exactly what to say so that we open the door wide to let them back in.

      • Yea, the thing that really sickens me is that now he says He thinks that God is talking to him. He never heard from God when I was dating him and although I appreciate that he is asking forgiveness for how he treated me it isn’t God that wakes someone up at 3 am in the morning – that is the devil. I have spammed him though from my email and have returned some of his letters back to him and he doesn’t know my phone number. So I am putting up an immense obstacle in his way.

      • I know…I hear that a lot, and I also experienced it myself. I think it’s partly because they learn us so well and know exactly what to say and do to keep us hooked. But, when we really dissect the reality of it, the good to bad ratio is more like 1:10. For every good memory, there are 10 bad ones.

      • No kidding. That may be why I have to dig so deep for the good memories. They are there though and I take comfort in that. 4.5 years is way too damn long to stay with someone who creates only bad memories. Although I will say that I was married for 12 to a man who was a master at forming horrible memories and he is still trying to do so in my life as my ex of 16 years. Damn him.

  5. Pingback: Accepting the Necessity to Detach | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach

  6. Been with a N for 5yrs now. Once a fully self sufficient individual, now living a day to day nitemare. Many times I have made large moves to leave, only to finally give in to his calls and the cycle starts anew. My health physically and mentally deteriorating, I have another plan to escape. Fully determined to be the women I once was. I don’t deserve this madness. Amazing that my body doesn’t have the physical pain it does when we were together. For now I am no contact. Thank god for income tax. The day after it arrives I am putting 1200 miles (again) between us. The physical and mental abuse I have endured is frightening when I am able to actually place myself in another persons spot and look at what I have become. He trained me well to tippy toe around him. Nothing like trying to leave in front of him, ‘to show him ‘ only to be beaten so badly I couldn’t even get up off the floor for slipping in my own blood then him literally locking me inside the house with dead bolts and no way of escape even when he was gone. But I am so out of here now!

    • I know it’s hard when you realize the life you had planned with someone you loved comes crashing down. The things he did to you are the actions of a coward and a bully.

      It may be hard to believe, but when we’ve hit rock bottom…not only on the physical plane, but also on the soul plane, we almost always experience a transformation. You are at the beginning of a new life which includes spiritual growth and self-love. If you can embrace it, you will experience joy and happiness like you’ve never known. The first step is No Contact, which you’ve done. I’m also glad to know you will move away because that will likely prevent any chance of his coming back to turn on the charm. You will need to go through the stages of acceptance about what happened, but there is a gift in the curse.

      Hugs, Kim…

  7. Pingback: How to Leave a Narcissistic Husband | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  8. Pingback: Dear Kim…Why Can’t I Leave Him? | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  9. Thank you for this article. I’ve been reading so much about it to keep my head on straight. I’ve known my husband for four years – been married only two. He is cheated on me repeatedly, including starting an affair a month after we married that I didn’t find out about until right before our wedding reception – we had eloped. I filed for divorce the next day but got talked right back into “starting over,” which meant moving me five hours away from my friends and family where I’m isolated. A leopard doesn’t change his spots. He left his email open and I found that he contacted a couple through craigslist personal ads. Swears he never went to meet them but why should I believe anything that man says? It’s pathetic that I had to put a parental filter on MY computer so he can’t sign up for dating sites. Every time I’ve confronted him about anything, he rages, throwing things and screaming in my face. Now, I’ve learned to just listen to his bullshit and nod my head and not confront him about anything because he twists it around to be my fault or denies it completely when it’s all there in black and white. He lies about everything. I am now making my plan carefully to get far, far away from him. I can’t believe when I look back at everything that I put up with all of this for so long. There were so many red flags at the beginning but like everyone, you want to believe that people are generally good and soulful. By the time I learned there was a name for this disorder, it was too late. I blamed myself for all of our failures. Thank you again for having this website. It really is a source of strength when I feel like I can’t do this, but all he’s ever done is ruin every holiday, birthday, special event because it takes the attention away from him. It’s sick. I can’t wait to be able to celebrate holidays “normally” again with my family and actually have money for MYSELF. He spends all of mine because he’s on disability when he really doesn’t need to be.

    • Julie, thank you for reaching out. I know how difficult it is for you right now because it seems our stories are very similar. My Ex always had a knack for ruining every single special occasion and vacations, too. Not only that, he called me a whore on the day of my dear grandmother’s funeral because I was wearing makeup. I’ve often wished I could go back and get revenge for things like that, but revenge would only bring me down to his level.

      I am glad to know you are planning your escape and also very happy to know my website has been helpful to you. Comments such as yours are what give me the fuel to keep going because my destiny is to help people who’ve gone through or going through the same abuse I endured. Raising awareness is so important.

      And yes, the holidays and occasions away from them are great, especially with the extra money :) Please feel free to reach out at any time.

      • Hi Kim,
        Thanks for responding! Could you tell me what your final straw was and how you were finally able to break away? I know everyone’s different. I guess now that I’m more aware of all of the manipulative tools/tricks he uses, I’m not as easily softened. Thank you again for taking the time to write!

    • Julie

      I agree with Kim that it is good news that you are planning your escape. Please keep two things in mind. It is important to a narcissist that they win. If they believe that the split was their idea, they will be happier letting you go.

      The second thing is that you can make the split “his idea” by determining your role in his life and stopping that function. i.e. if you keep house and make the meals. Do this less and less. (vs stopping suddenly because that will cause conflict). Or, if you praise him stop giving him positive feed back. If he picks a fight, see it for what it is and just let it slide off. This will mean that his needs are not being met and he will find someone else to meet them and leave you. Let him go…

      • Thank you so much, Wendy – Very, very helpful advice! I am scared. He’s a former marine and has never hit me but his yelling and temper scare me enough. My problem with him all the time is his crying – which I am very aware is a manipulative tool that he uses – emotional blackmail. Everything that has gone wrong in his life is his fault and he takes no accountability for any of it. I can’t save him and I’ve given him lots of tools to try to run his own business, etc., but all he wants to do is play Xbox all day. He’s only in his early ’40s and he acts like he’s retired. I know he’s tired of me pulling away from his affection/advances as well as not giving out money freely. He’s trying extra hard to be nice because he knows something is up. I am trying my best to pretend. Like someone said it’s almost like they have a sixth sense that you’re going to leave them. Thank you again for responding. Everyone’s comments are really inspiring. It helps to know I’m not alone!

  10. I learned the hard way that I had to cut off all contact with my verbally abusive, interfering ex. She almost torpedoed my new marriage. Finally my wife put her foot down. That put an end to the years-long split living arrangement for our teenage sons, which was the focal point of all the conflict. The older one is now away at college, and the younger one lives with us full-time, by his own choice. He makes his own arrangements to go visit his mother from time to time. I am enjoying the peace and quiet, and lack of drama.

    • Lee, I can totally relate. My Ex tried his best to do the same with my new marriage. So much so, that I was forced to get a restraining order.

      I am glad that things have settled down for you, and also that your children seem to be less influenced by your Ex due to college and the current living arrangement. I’m sure the peace and quiet is enjoyed by all :)

      • Hi Kim,

        Thank you.

        Just to be fair, my ex is rather mild on the narc scale compared to what you and other DV survivors have experienced. Mostly, she was just brought up spoiled. Her parents never disciplined her. They imprinted upon her the idea that she was the golden girl who could do no wrong. Unfortunately, she never woke up to the fact that the world does not revolve around her, and that many of her words and actions do, in fact, hurt others deeply. I would be interested to know how many narcs are the result of parents who spoiled them and didn’t discipline them.

        Still, the basic narc patterns are the same, even if she was a relatively mild version. I was married to her for over twenty years. I had convinced myself that she was the one for me. I have only myself to blame for pursuing her and tying myself firmly to her. If she had not run off with someone else when my roaring midlife crisis hit, my world started falling apart, and our household income suffered as a result, I might never have disentangled myself from her. In a perverse way, her infidelity ultimately became a blessing to me–as destructive and painful as it was in itself–simply because it got her out of my life and forced me to let go of her in my mind and heart. At that point, the scales fell off my eyes. I realized with a jolt just how badly mistaken I had been all those years. Without justifying her years of verbal abuse and jerking me around or her eventual infidelity, I do take responsibility for my own part in that mess of a relationship.

        I did have to get my youngest away from her. The negative messages she was giving him about himself were causing him to start to get into trouble at school. In terms of personality, of my three children he’s probably the most like me. And since his mother couldn’t get at me anymore, she was projecting her anger and disrespect for me onto him. It was a long struggle to get him out of her house. That struggle was ultimately won by my son himself recognizing how his mother’s influence was affecting him, and making the choice to move in full-time with my wife and me when that choice was forced upon him by circumstances. By that time he was old enough, and firm enough about it in his own mind, that there wasn’t much his mother could do about it. I’d been working toward it for a year or two. My wife struck the final blow when she finally got so fed up with all of the interference from the other household that she threw down the gauntlet, forcing a change.

        It was not pleasant. But it was worth it. Now my son is doing well. He has a good, full, and productive life. He says he is the happiest he’s ever been.

        That’s a lot more than I intended to write. Thanks for listening. And for anyone who’s made it this far, it’s another story showing that it is worth the struggle!

      • A P.S. to my last:
        I did have to threaten to get a restraining order before my ex and her husband finally left us alone. I was calm, and quite specific about the type of restraining order I would take out on them if there were one more incident of interference: a harassment prevention restraining order (in MA), which I had researched beforehand. I might have have had trouble actually getting one against them. I suspect the judge would not think it was serious enough, since there was no threat of bodily harm. It was mostly unwanted incursions into our yard to leave and take various things that she felt entitled to leave or take. However, the threat of a specific restraining order, backed with procedural details, seemed to have an effect on my ex and her husband–especially since I let them know that I was documenting their incidents of interference in our lives. (Yes, her boyfriend/husband actively participated in the interference.)

    • Is anyone afraid to post on this that the husband might realize that its the wife posting? Just asking. I want to say so much but am too afraid. I snuck out and went to a “safe place” 2 months ago.

      • Anon, if you have a shared computer, it’s possible. Narcs often place spyware on shared computers so they can check out their partner’s internet activity, but it sounds that you’re no longer in the home. If you’d like to reach out, you might consider setting up a new email account, using a friend’s computer or library computer, and emailing me at letmereach at yahoo dot com…To answer your question, you show up as anonymous here, and your internet address will not appear on the public page.

      • Hi Anon,
        Kim already gave you a great, practical reply. In addition, I would simply say to use your own best judgment and understanding of the situation in deciding what to do. No one else is in your shoes. Though there are common patterns in the behavior of narcs and abusers, each situation is also unique. After you’ve lined up any help and gotten any advice you may need, the decision of how to proceed has to be your own based on your experience and knowledge of your particular situation. The more knowledge and power you take into your own hands, the more effectively you’ll be able to act in order to protect yourself and any others who may be affected. Just know that there are people rooting for you to achieve a safe exit so that you can move on with a new and better life!

  11. Thank you for this… wish I had had access to this kind of information a few years ago. 5 years on and I am still recovering from the effects of one of one bad relationship. Must say, I am much happier these days. :) It’s crazy when I think of those times… I cannot believe it was me!! bleh…

    • I can relate, Emily. I’m glad you’re happier these days.

      Have you ever done any work on healing your Inner Child? This is often very helpful for people who’ve been through emotionally abusive relationships…

  12. For all those people who are struggling with an abusive relationship, or have chosen to leave, or have been discarded. Sometimes it’s incredibly painful to find yourself again. I had a friend send me this song today. Sing this song to yourself :) It’s never too late to make the make the right decision for you, to stay true to yourself, to stay strong, to love yourself… to find beauty in this life.

  13. I am so focused on hating my ex for what he has done to me, for all the abuse, lies and humiliation, that I can’t stop obsessing. I want him to try to contact me, just so I can choose not to answer. I want him to try and lure me back, just so he can get a taste of his own medicine this time around. Before knowing what he was, I decided I couldn’t put up with his behaviour anymore, and left him a letter telling him “I am tired of your God-complex and I don’t care how many people you know or if you’re the president of the country – you will never again tell me to shut up”. It pissed him off. A great deal. But he was smart. He pretended not to be too upset and waited for the moment to strike… He lured me back into his trap and made me think I had been crazy for writing those words. He even told me I had a bit of “Dr Jeckyll/ Mr Hide” inside – me! He totally messed up my brain (I still didn’t know about Ns) But he was willing to forgive my words… he was his old self. And I was still in love. He told me about his plans for our future together. He knew how badly I wanted a family, so he spoke a lot of marriage. I invested emotionally again. Until one day this woman calls me. She was engaged to be married to my narc. He gave her my number, must have told her I was some crazy ex stalker (I say this because when I met him he made me believe he had an ex stalking him) and I could hear him in the background barely containing his laughter while she was on the phone with me. So now I am obsessed with him, with thoughts of hurting him, filled with bitterness and negativity. He is not in my life anymore yet he is still ruining it! His laugh keeps coming back to my mind when I am trying to work, and more than once I’ve answered back rudely to some innocent colleague. I know I must let go, yet I feel so humiliated I can’t. I am more worried about getting back than I am about getting well. I know this means he wins because he is still the centre, my priority, not me. But it’s been many months now and every time I hear something about how happy he is I go back to square one. What can I do and when will this stop?

    • Anon, it’s normal to feel varying levels of anger and resentment. However, if it’s been months and you feel as angry as when the relationship first ended, you might want to consider seeing a therapist to help you through this phase.

      What he did to you was juvenile and you feel it took away your dignity. What’s helped me in the past is to write everything down in a letter, but don’t send it to your Ex. Bury it or place it into a rushing river. Guided meditations and EFT will also help greatly. You can find lots of those on YouTube. In the meantime, make an appointment with a counselor who can help you transmute and release the anger.

  14. I FEEL CRAZY!!! I stop contact with my husband, MY N, I see ALL the signs, I read him all over these articles! I am torn between just giving in and getting away! We have been married almost 32 years. The stories are ALL the same! ALL Of them! He is a sad person, inside! He has a long, history of mental, emotional and physical abuse. He doesn’t understand, there IS something wrong with him! I knew he was bi-polar, took ME 10 yrs. to figure that one out! and never knew what Narcissistic really meant. He and I talked a few days ago. He told me how “Hot” I have always been to him, yadda, yadda! These guys are sick and twisted beyond any reason! He wanted to talk about sex and his job, Or the things I needed to do for “HIM.” Nothing about what I wanted or needed. Nothing about what would make ME HAPPY! Our kids are all grown now. Last one is fixing to start college. Do I “See” IF our relationship can get better? I read somewhere that if you’ve been married along time and your marriage is on the rocks, you should give it a year to try and repair it. I just don’t know what the “RIGHT” thing IS!

    • Cindy, that’s a hard decision to make. I do want to point out, though, that the “give it a year’ advice is usually based on a typical marriage where perhaps partners have grown apart, are frustrated and lonely, maybe there was some infidelity…I really don’t believe this particular piece of advice covers relationships with disordered people with NPD or BPD.

      Regarding your partner’s bi-polar, it’s just as difficult, if not more so, than being with a Narcissist. If your partner has shown you all this time that your needs are unimportant, and you have been unhappy, manipulated, put-down, etc. with no indication that things will change, my personal opinion is to at least begin exploring the option of separation/divorce. Only…in the case of disordered people, you’d have to implement full No Contact because otherwise you’d still be under the influence and unable to truly experience any sort of freedom or healing.

      Hope that helps.

  15. I am currently in a toxic relationship and hoping to be free. I am glad I have this information.

    Its a god send

  16. I’ve been with a narc man for 4 years myself and he has cheated on me with prostitutes and anyone he can find to pay attention to him. I am a beautiful woman, so I’ve been told anyway, and in great shape, we had a great sex life and thought we would be married one day, then after I busted him with his whores he keeps telling me how sorry he is and will do anything, offering me the world and is SO convincing but deep down he’s a sick man who needs help, I also caught him on all the dating sites while being with me and he even put my sons on the site to look like he’s a good man as he had no children of his own. He also rages very badly at me and almost hits me if I ask him anything about infidelity. He’s a very good looking man who is very successful and my sons called him dad, very sad! He’s destroyed my life for the last four years and I haven’t been strong enough to cut all communication but after reading tonight I have found strength to know I’m not alone and need to do the hard work to find peace and move forward with my life. Thank you!!!

    • Dawn, thank you for sharing. You are indeed not alone. No Contact is the hardest thing for victims to implement because it’s very similar to detoxing from drugs due to the psychological and biochemical factors involved. In spite of the scathing evidence that these people are highly toxic, they keep us under a spell which is very hard to break…

      Best of luck moving forward. You can do this!

  17. I ended with my narc in April 2014. I had no idea that he was planning a vacation with another woman he met on the internet. I think he was using her to help pay for the expenses. He asked me several months ago if I wanted to go and and I said no i guess he had to find someone. I got an email from him telling me he had been out of the country three weeks ago at which time I did not reply. Since then, I have gotten a few text messages from him with words that made me know that he wanted me to respond. I did reply back one time telling him about my trip to San Juan, PR —- he did not reply back because I feel it was about me and not him. This is the third time I have been discared and him returning — its mostly in the Spring/Summer with him returning in the Fall, but not this time. I usually stayed in contact during those times, but realized that this is not good for me. Now I am in No Contact —– I am in the anger/hate stage and have been reading a lot about this disorder. I realize now that he is sick. The last time he came back he told me that “God sent him back to me”, lol So I guess it was God that took him away I initially told him that I could not do this with him anyway and please return my house key. He hung up the phone on me with that request and I did not hear from him for three weeks That request was totally ignored. I gave up on trying to get it back . I feel myself getting stronger every day. Journaling helps!

    • Anonymous, thank you for sharing. I’m glad to know you have been strong and won’t be allowing this guy back into your life. You may, however, want to consider getting the locks changed on your house. It never hurts to be prepared when it comes to these people!

  18. Pingback: When You Let the Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

  19. I’ve been with a narcississt for five years now and just recently did my own research on his behaviors to get clarity. I’ve always been so confused as to why he does the things he does and after reading so many articles on narcissism, it is so clear to me. Narcissists don’t have the capability to maintain a healty relationship. I’m preparing my exit plan and moving forward with my life, beginning with moving out and initiating a child custody hearing with a lawyer. I feel so empowered after realizing that this Man is sick and destorted, and leaving and working on improving my self esteem is the only way to heal and progress. I am super worried about him becoming desperate or in a rage and doing something harmful to myself or my kids during my leaving so I am planning on moving my things while he’s at work. I regret wasting 5 years on this monster but I have learned everything I need to know about myself in the process, both good and bad. God is amazing. When you give your worries to him e will enlighten you and make a path for a better future. I hope all of you going through the same thing rely on your support systems and remember that we all deserve o be happy and respected.

    • Jer, thank you for sharing your story. I, too, relied on God through my own ordeal with a Narcissist.

      Just FYI, you may be able to have a police officer go with you to your residence as you move if you are afraid of your partner becoming abusive. Just call the courthouse and find out what the process is (if you are afraid for your safety and that of your children, it may be necessary to file a protective order).

      Best of luck going forward!

  20. Hi Kim, I’m in such early days. This is only day 7 of no contact. I have had so many ups and downs this week, but since I’ve started reading your posts a couple of days ago, it’s like having my daily bible reading. That’s how important I see it. I am very affected by my ex narc. He portrays himself as a laid back, charming wolf in sheeps clothing. But a few years ago, he let his mask drop, for 3 days, he raged around like a bull. I was left in my room with our newborn, with every thong (flip flop) jammed under my door trying to keep him out. He just shoved it open.. He would waltz in and start degrading me and yelling, then started taking things that I treasured.. this happened on again off again for 3 days.. He would drop his atomic bomb and then storm out.. Then he would barge back into my room when he had fresh abuse for me.. I was utterly guttered.. I remember saying, OK, OK, YOUVE HURT ME AND DESTROYED ME AS MUCH AS YOU CAN, NOW JUST STOP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.. He replied, NO WAY, I WILL NEVER STOP HURTING YOU. I cannot remember much about what happened after that, but obviously I took him back.. I need to remember these things.. Cos that was a time when I thought, THIS ISNT EVEN HUMAN!! On the 4th day of NO CONTACT. He started ringing my home phone, which his number is blocked, but if he turns his mobile onto private, it skips the block! Or if he calls from a public phone box. I cut my SIM card up on my mobile ph and just got a new number, so that’s all good. He works away for 4 wks and home for 1 week. So far he’s been away working, but he is due back in 1 week on Monday.. This is the time I fear. Although, when he was calling and leaving heart felt msgs on my home ph on day 4, I emailed him and told him, that his life will be cut short for what he has done to me.. I took the bible in hand and sed that, anyone who touches Gods annointed, will lose their life.. I think he genuinely believed me, short term anyway, as he hasn’t made any attempt to contact me. If he does come to my home, I shall get a restraining order.. But the abuse is very hard to prove especially when it’s so cleverly hidden from everyone around me. When our daughter was just a baby, my ex would offer to take her in the shower with him.. I was wrapped as it meant a lot less work setting up the baby bath etc.. But after a while I would notice him emerging with different stages of arrousal.. That was horrific.. Then between the ages of 1 and 2 she was acting out sexually in front of friends and family.. I even caught her about to bend over in front of him when they were bathing together.. I got her out immediately and never let them bathe together again. They do so much horrific stuff under the radar.. And I only can pray and keep reading your articles to empower me to stay strong.. Although every day when I initially wake up, the first thing I do is check to sed if he has emailed me.. And have to admit my sad feeling when he has not.. Us Empaths are loving to our own detriment.. And if any of you who may read this, are God fearing Christians, I ask if you would add me to your Prayer list.. I LOVE YOU KIM, YOU ARE BEING USED BY GOD TO BE A LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS.. TO BE A SAFE PLACE FOR US LOVERS TO FALL. I just hope and pray that one day I might meet another Empathy person to live out my days with.. I find myself doubtfull as I reckon the ratio of Narcs far outweigh the number of Empaths.. PLEASE GOD, BRING ME MY BOAZ! I had a prophetic word from a minister friend of my Dad, and he knew nothing of my relationship and he prophesied how I’ve always seen myself as one of the ugly Sisters ( Cinderella) but that God was bringing me forth, not as an Ugly Sister, but as CINDERELLA. He said, he saw me on my future wedding day and how I looked in the mirror and how I saw myself for the first time as Cinderella! So I claim Gods promise right now that He is getting my BOAZ ready… And all you gorgeous Empaths, you can also believe for your Boaz.. Some light at the end of the tunnel.. Thankyou for reading my story. Sorry that it’s a little all over the place, I don’t have a friend in the world to talk of any of this, I lost my best friend when she had an affair with my former husband and childhood sweetheart 10 yrs ago. And because every one of my family, even my kids, are disordered, I have to keep to myself. I live with my elderly Narc parents as I’ve been bed ridden with Lymes Disease for the past 8 yrs and cannot look after myself or my daughter. I just wonder how much of my illness has been contributed by my string of Narcs in my life… Time will tell.. COME ON MY BOAZ, COME AND RESCUE ME FROM THE FIREY DRAGON!! Lol xxxxxxxxxxx

  21. I know you all problely dontwant to hear this but honestly you can control narc because its a selfish disorder of course but think hard god didn’t give it to you< you chose it but by giving your heart mind and soul to god we are able to control those issues. the devil loves to play on your weeknesses and and convinces you you are that way and that is that. no your not god doesn't make you that way and surely don't want you to choose that path its just people are selfish and they just don't want to change< especially if they hv to give up some of their desires.remember satan plays with your mind don't be weak and fall for it because you just don't want to live for god admit that and that's your answer to the cure…. come on fix the problem I know it worksthere was a time a s a teen I was dealing with some of that im sure but as a women being in so much counciling and meds didn't work. till I decided to go back to jesus Christ and ask for the cure now I put others before myself and I married a wonderful man who is normal and puts people first also; it works for us. when I find myself being tempted by satan to be selfish I ask god for help and I rebuke satan there I find myself again and god gives me the ability to control my old issues. stop giving satan credit for making you think you will always be that way that's a lie and don't fall for it .if your willing to share your problem with others why not share with jesus he already knows anyway and he just wants you to let go and let god….. I know your life will be amazing and the results will give you peace and happiness.and simple ten comments will show you what your not suppose to do .or you just cant handle rules and morals and valules? stop making excuses narc is your choice .
    self control isn't hard if you let go and let god… what do you have to loose? but you have a lot to gain.stop being so spoiled and self consumed that's only satan and its your own fault for not taking the real medicine jesus Christ………………..

  22. It’s been 4-1/2 years of nightmare for me. I thought I had found the most perfect man. Everything was fantastic – but his behavior was weird. 1-1/2 years later I found out through snooping that the “friends” he had were affairs. He was a serial cheater. But, he had been in therapy by this time so I gave it another go. I was devastated. His behavior became violent the more therapy he had. I don’t believe he really wanted to change. Our fights were legendary and always my fault. He ignored my son like he didn’t exist. Then he lost his job and was out of work for 9 months. I always complained about the internet as he’d be on it 12-14 hours a day blogging, reading and commenting on sites, etc. Finally he got a job and went to KY. He became evasive. I snooped and found out he was on the cheating path again. Called him and told him not to come home. I packed all his things and put them in a storage container, changed the locks. It has been very painful to leave but I know with each day it gets better. I go to therapy to make sure I heal so I don’t ever attract an asshole like this again.

    • Thanks for sharing that, Barbara. I’m sorry you had to go through it, but it sounds like you made the best decision for you and your son by severing the ties. Kudos.

      • What an amazing insightful place to be. He is a serial liar, alcoholic, drug taker and very sick man.
        I am finally about to exit. So scared yet very excited. I have 2 sons from a former marriage 7 & 8….4 months after giving birth to our son I caught at a strip club for 5 hours in drugs and that wasn’t enough he then cheated with a Transgender prostitute…..he told me she had better boobs than I did. He lies about porn and sites he visits online..He is violent, verbally abusive, tells me I am a fat c$&t and that my legs are horrible. I am a former model and at 36 still look great and slim.
        He tells me the next woman will be younger and better looking. I have been so ashamed that that I have a second failed marriage I have stuck in there but I have been bitten me on the face , threatened, told me I am a bad mother , terrible with money, loser , I have no friends. He often says he’s such a handsome man.
        I am appalled I have stayed this long. I am packing every cupboard quietly each day and go to my parents tomorrow. I have a great job and income. I am leaving for my sons.

      • Anon, I’m so happy you’ve decided to make the break.

        I hope you don’t believe the cruel things he’s said to you over the years, though from personal experience I’d venture to say you do to some degree. Please check out my healing tools and start with listening to guided meditations if you haven’t already. Aim to listen to one every night at bedtime. They will help you get your confidence back if done consistently.

        Best of luck on your new life <3

  23. I am married to a narcissist and lived with him for 32 years. He cheated on me big time every few years and God knows how many times in between. I was always in denial because of my co-dependency. We had a lot of children and I thought I should stay because of them. When he betrayed me with my best friend I knew I had to leave him. But I did not feel strong enough. I decided to leave in one year during which time I would become stronger and make a plan. I went to a Christian 12 step recovery program. By the end of the year I was ready. I moved out with the youngest two children. I went back to university and started working. For the sake of the children we stayed friends and had dinners and outings as a family. A transformed narcissist told me I should break all ties with him as being dependent on him in any way gives him power. I found this hard to do but now thankfully his behaviour has forced me to. He went overseas refusing to tell me what he was doing. A month later one of the children told me he had a girl living with him. He imported an Asian woman half his age. I found this intolerable as our children have contact with him. I reacted very strongly which surprised me as I thought I was over him. However it brought back all the shame. He used to cheat behind my back but now he can do it to my face. I’m finally realising how toxic this relationship was to me. I was sick most of the winter every winter for the last 20 yrs. Since moving out I’ve hardly had a day sick. My counsellor helped me know how to get my power back. I had given it to him. God has given me my dream job, I have a lot of people I can go to for support and my kids are great. They help me to know the time with him wasn’t wasted.

    • Argaret, thank you so much for visiting and for sharing your story. I’m so glad you’re one of the lucky few who found a good counselor and that you’re thriving now. Blessings to you…

  24. This is great information and very helpful. I am a very logical successful person and got involved with a fellow co-worker about 18 months ago. He was married but was in the process of moving out and divorcing …so he said. Later I found out he moved out and filed for divorce specifically because of our relationship. Apparently everything was fine at home and it was out of the blue, and that was not the story that I got. He torridly went after me and very quickly I was deeply in love with someone that I felt was my soulmate. My friends, my family, and all the co workers knew about our relationship and he was very public about how much he loved me and couldnt wait to marry me. Over the last 120 days we had been planning an international assignment for work together. Suddenly about a month ago after committing to the new job and shopping for wedding rings, he called with his wife ( still not fully divorced) and basically said I have to go home, I have to be here, I cant do this anymore, my wife caught me with yet another woman here….I am not the man that you think I am. I am tearing up the divorce papers and going home. The wife yells at me such…..Im left holding the bag at work, wioth family, and friends…and he was cheating on me too…..Over the last month, the wife, and the girlfriend have contacted me…and I have found out that he did the exact same thing to his college girlfriend 2 years before meeting me. This is clearly NPD behavior after reading what seems like 10 million articles on this and talking with professionals. What I dont understand is the other girlfriend and why in the hell would someone go that far at work and risk our jobs in a company where we are very high up and visible? Its just ludicrous. Lastly- the wife is taking him back yet again….now after knowing he was not only invovled with 1 but two women at one time…..She needs to just move on, but thats not my problem at this point. I am taking the international job and getting out of here for a few years, but any advice on how to help logically understand any of this and try to start healing would be helpful…..I have good days and bad, but he took over my brain and still exists there …….Some days it feels like i will never forget or forgive.

    After all of this the coward has not even had a conversation with me..Condescending emails and communication from the wife. Who does he think he is? JERK a total sick JERK.

    • Rebecca, thank you for stopping by and for sharing your story.

      Unfortunately, there is never any logical sense to be made out of our experiences with Narcissists. The only logic is to embrace that it’s completely illogical. It took me almost two years, but I finally understood that my Ex never really loved me. That explained why his actions never matched his words (false promises, hoovering when I threatened to leave, claiming I was the only one he ever really loved).

      You will need to make a conscious, consistent effort to occupy your mind with other things, especially your healing. And to answer your question, “Who does he think he is”? He thinks he’s the center of the universe. They all do. We matter not (in their minds).

  25. Antoinette C.
    After reading some of the comments here I had to respond. I have been married to a Narc for 25 years!! Yes, 25 years. I couldn’t defined what exactly his problem was until a friend of mine texted me to look up the definition of a narcissist. I had never heard of this type of person until then. I looked up the definition and it described my husband in every way.

    My husband is a pastor and it has been a living hell living with this man and attending church with him. His behavior is that of a blood sucker that literally sucks the life out of you. One minute he is sweet the next minute he starts an argument over nothing.

    I believe he is cheating on me. There are several no shows for church services and he gives no explanation to where he was. Several people have left our church because of his bipolar behavior. I really can’t take it anymore. Christian woman have been taught to stay in the marriage and work things out, but it is beyond that. I really want to leave this marriage and move far away from him. There is no love for this man. I don’t even want to be around him. 2 things that keep me staying here 1. My children who are now grown, 2. The ministry. I feel so guilty leaving the people in the church that I have built relationships with them, but I am so depressed and stressed out.

    He has sniffed the life out of me. I can’t stand him. I wish he would just leave me so that I wouldn’t have to deal with his craziness. I know that he would try to fight me if I left. My kids don’t want to be around him because he wants to control them. Please help me!!! I want out of this marriage!!!! He’s a pathological liar. He lies about everything. I want out, but don’t know how to leave. Thanks for listening! Toni C.

    • Toni, would you be able to make it on your own if you left? If so, I can help you with going No Contact and moving forward. Life is too short to spend it stuck in a miserable marriage/relationship.

  26. I have a 6 month old with a narcissist. we were together over 2 years. the relationship was full of lies, cheating, hidden fetish, and him turning things around on me and humiliating and alienating me. I found him on multiple dating sites and he had a different excuse every time (we were fighting a lot, you made me mad , I was just looking for friends, I didn’t even remember I was on there, haven’t been on that site at all, I only made it because I knew you would stalk me). It gets old really fast and the lies became more ridiculous. He abused me verbally and physically, put me down so much and became a lazy bum. I worked while pregnant and he sat home playing video games and cheating on me.

    He has a lot of friends and his friends are on his side, even thought his lies are so obvious. like his car got repossessed and he has told his friends it got stolen. he is a drunk as well, 3 DUIs and breaks the law when it’s convenient to him.

    the abuse never ended, he would hurt me and then say he didn’t do anything to me. When i defended myself, he would say I abused him. He’s a master manipulator and tries to get sympathy out of everybody. Our daughter is caught in the middle. I kicked him out after he for physical with me and with my dad. He began lying and telling people he left on his own. He had been telling me he wasn’t going to help with the baby. When I exposed that to people, he lied and said I was keeping her from him. He filed for joint custody and lives 6 hours away driving. He didn’t want to pay child support. Then he said he only wanted her 1 week each month, then he said I was a great mom and baby is better off with me because he does not want to do all of the work and give up his life for her. he has sent no money and had to be begged to send small things. so, while I take care of baby, he’s still on dating sites and lies about being on them. he spends money on random women and not much on his child. I let him see our baby, we have. I orders, it was because I was being nice and he tried to kidnap her and also put his hands on me. He lied to his dad about what happened when I had been kind to him all week. you cannot trust narcissists, they will turn everything around on you and lie their butts off. they are actors and their family and friends are supporting actors and audience members. They are enablers. My goal is to keep my daughter far away from him and his family. I tried and I see he is a violent and selfish lying person. I will be filing a restraining order. He lowered my self esteem and made me think everything was my fault and that I was crazy. I suffer from depression and he used that to say I was crazy when he was the reason I was so sad all of the time. I just wish he would go away. I can’t believe I loved him and a part of me still does. I am going no contact and the restraining order should cement it.

  27. Just to say that this website is great and has already been so inspiring to me! All the above points are true however 2,4 and 5 ring most true to my situation. I initiated divorce proceedings against my Narc at the beginning of this year but almost 9 months in I’m STILL struggling to break free despite him now being over the other side of the world. It’s really tough breaking the cycle, but going back to the article I believe I’m proof of some of these things! I have definitely noticed a marked improvement in both my physical and mental health since at least removing myself from the every day emotional roller coaster / circus that was my marriage. I’m no longer so depressed or anxious / obsessive about minor things, I sleep a lot better and some medical complaints that I’ve been struggling with for literally years have pretty much just vanished! It’s amazing how quickly the body and mind can begin to recover, you just need to give them a chance. My husband used to say to me that I was “choosing” to be unhappy in the marriage and that I was “choosing” to be depressed/sick etc. I see now that that was kind of true as I let my boundaries be pushed and pushed and chose to stay in the relationship despite it being a miserable one. However I’m proof that it’s never too late to choose a better way and rescue yourself from all the above and more! Stay strong people :)

  28. Thank you all for letting me know, I’m not alone. This is taking over my life. I have been married to this demon for seven years now and short of the physical abuse (might as well be, at least those wounds heal) I’ve gone and am going through all of the above. One think I don’t think I saw was the way they rage and create havoc and then minutes, hours, days later act like nothing happened. Literally, like nothing happened. So, I’m stuck reeling and he has moved on, like I’m the one who has a personality disorder. So many times, I been told, I’m too sensitive, take myself too serious, can’t get over things… I saw that the silent treatment doesn’t work because he just keeps picking, picking, picking until I finally fight back myself. When I start raising my voice, he calms down and tells me to look at myself, look at my behavior, turns it around on me. When that happens, he usually calms down… In his words, “you’re no better than me”. Is he right?!?! Have I crossed over and am now the same as him? Of course not, but he sure can make me feel like I am. Fight or flight is not working, standing up for myself is not working, nothing is working. He tells me, this is marriage and I don’t get marriage and I think marriage supposed to be a fairy tale; that’s not true. What I do know is THIS is NOT what marriage is supposed to be and if it is, I don’t want it! So, all that being said… do others experience the crazy-making that they do, the rants and rages and then they act like NOTHING happened? Also, is it possible to act as if everything is normal (normal, that’s a laugh) while secretly planning your escape? Oh, with the caveat of staying sane while doing it? Thanks for your time and any advice you can provide.

  29. I have lived with a narcissist for 15 years. Only in the last 3 years have i made the discovery that i married the devil. The look of hate that comes from him makes me wonder if an evil spirit takes over when he flies into one of his rages. Abusive on all levels. I’ve had plenty of bruises and broken bones.And how well he sells it to the world that i am the abusive one. I recently spent four days on the cardiac unit and had a heart catherization. I am 44 and yes i smoke. I guess that could be the sole cause but i have to tell you the toll of living with man has affected my health. It’s a constant stress session. When he drives it’s a F@#$% nightmare. Tailgating, screaming at other drivers over petty things. You can see the imprint of my fingernails on the dashboard. When i drive he’s always pointing where i should go, when i already know. God forbid if i don’t move fast enough at a green light. My children see his pathology but what can they do? They don’t want him coming after them as he does me.I have inheritance money coming. His “dark passenger” has been on his best behavior. He moved out of our room last christmas and now he’s slowly moving back, saying things like”we can fix the house up” and on and on. Of course he tells everyone i kicked him out. I can only imagine what he tells the women or men he’s been screwing. He hates women. There are no boundaries. I am just a cow he married to have his offspring. Who knows how many others he’s had sex with. It sickens me to think he’s exposed me to std”s. He’s well aware that i have seen him without his mask. I know what he is. God has shown me the truth. I am cunning as a serpent and gentle as a dove. When i exit he won’t see it coming. He did not create this life nor will he destroy it. It’s mine god gave it to me. Anyone who tries to throw that “but divorce is a sin”” crap at you has not and could not grasp the insidious, diabolical and purely evil agenda of this kind of person.

    • Ellen, I’m sorry for what you’ve endured…yet glad that you plan to leave and aren’t falling for the “divorce is a sin” trap. The fact is, when we stay with an abuser, we are enabling their sin. God doesn’t want us to enable sin. So, when you’ve tried to make the marriage work, but get nothing but emotional (and/or physical) abuse in return, God will totally understand your decision to leave. (A previous pastor said this to me, so I consider his advice to be sound).

Your Comments Are Welcome!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s