The Narcissist Stalker: Missing You or Mentally Unstable?

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Nov 23

 

narcissist won't let go

You tried to end the relationship with your toxic partner, but they won’t let go.  

Suddenly they are bombarding you with loving texts and emails, and have begun showing up at your social events and place of employment.  It’s like the high school boyfriend – on steroids.

For those who haven’t experienced these kinds of behaviors before, the difference between affection and mental instability can be blurred.  In fact, under the influence of the Narcissist, we often normalize their abnormal conduct to the point that their psychopathic behaviors don’t seem so bad, after all.  This is frightening in itself because it’s a sign that we are losing the capacity for rational thought.

See how he loves and misses me so deeply that he can’t go a minute without me?

I invite you to come out of the peptide-induced haze and see what’s going on.  Think back to your past relationships and make some distinctions about your Narcissistic partner’s delusional behaviors.  You will likely find you have a borderline, if not full-blown psychopath on your hands. Allow me to assist you in clearing up those blurred lines so you can get yourself to safety and begin the Journey Back to Self.

In a conventional relationship, when one or both partners have decided it’s not working out, there is a process by which they come to terms with the situation and prepare for the split.  It’s decided who is going to move out, which items each partner will keep, and determine if it will be feasible to remain friends.  There may be second thoughts, some hesitations, which might lead to one of the parties contacting the other to make sure they aren’t making a mistake.  After working up the nerve, they make that last phone call, leaving a sincere, heartfelt message about the good times.  It’s all part of the separation and grieving process.  After accepting that the relationship is indeed over, both parties begin their lives anew, deal with the sorrow, and move on day-by-day.  Eventually, they start dating other people and fall in love again.

Remember that scenario? That’s what it’s like when two average, considerably normal people break up.  Normal people do not stalk their soon-to-be Ex.  They don’t show up in the parking lot at their place of employment; they don’t send fifty to a hundred texts per day; they don’t suddenly appear at the out-of-the-way coffee shop where you’re meeting a friend and force themselves into a seat at your table and go through your cell phone that you accidentally leave behind on your trip to the ladies room; they don’t appear beside you on the highway several times a week; they don’t dishonor your requests to be left alone; they don’t express contempt while professing love…

These behaviors are part of the psychosis that your Narcissistic partner experiences when they are threatened with losing the person that they had complete control over…you.  Stable people have a sense of pride and will not continue to put themselves in a situation where they will be rejected.  A Narcissistic stalker has no sense of boundaries, especially in the face of rejection.  Their only goal is to get you back under their control by any means possible.  This is a sign of mental instability.  Stalkers will spend hours planning and executing their stalking, going across town or even to other states.

Remember the movie, Sleeping With The Enemy?  He was a dream-come-true, until he had her hooked in the marriage.  When she escaped, he spared no expense tracking her down.  The reality is that this happens more frequently in life than one might think.

According to End Stalking in America, Inc.:

Stalkers have usually been involved in an intimate relationship with their targets. Often the target has attempted to call off the relationship but the stalker simply refuses to accept it. These stalkers suffer from personality disorders, including being emotionally immature, extremely jealous, insecure, have low self-esteem and quite often feel powerless without the relationship.

The stalker of former spouses or intimate partners, are often domineering and abusive to their partners during the relationship and use this domination as a way to bolster their own low self- esteem. The control the abusers exert over their partners gives them a feeling of power they can’t find elsewhere. They try to control every aspect of their partner’s lives. Their worst fear is losing people over whom they have control.

When they realize this fear as the relationship finally does end, the stalker suddenly believes that his/her life is destroyed. Their total identity and feelings of self-worth are tied up in the power experienced through their domineering and abusive relationship. Without this control, they feel that they will have no self-worth and no identity and they begin stalking, trying to regain their partner and the basis of their power.

It is this total dependence on their partner for identity and feelings of self-worth that makes these stalkers so very dangerous. They will often go to any length and stop at nothing to get their partner back. If they can’t have the people over whom they can exert dominance and total control, their lives are truly not worth living.

Stalking does not always begin with violence or trying to terrorize, it usually starts with, “Can I just talk to you or meet with you one last time?” “If you just talk to me I’ll leave you alone.” According to experts, “He wants her back, and she won’t come back.” Everything escalates from there and sometimes he snaps and assaults or kills her. In his mind, he makes the decision, “If I can’t have you, no one else will.”   When he says this, he is attempting to cover his fear that she’ll meet another man and leave him. 

This is a good reason why it’s crucial to go No Contact when leaving a Narcissistic partner.  If you have expressed your desire to be left alone, and the Narc won’t comply, call the police, file reports, and if that doesn’t work, get a protective order. You must take a proactive approach when freeing yourself from the grips of narcissistic abuse.

Download the No Contact Questionnaire below to see how your life could be different by going No Contact.

How would going No Contact Change Your Life?

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Get your very own No Contact Questionnaire and see how your life could be different after going No Contact.

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(114) comments

Starlene June 8, 2017

I love with my parents. He use to live with me at my parents.
Things didn’t work out he left. Then 1 month later he paid my parents rent and moved in. He knows i don’t want him living in the same house as me. He can go live anywhere else. He had ls smoothed my parentsinto thinking he is a good person. Actuallyhee isn’t. Her began to get physically abusive which is1 if the main reasons i asked him fui have initially.

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Kat May 19, 2017

I left my narcissistic personality disordered ex last July after 2 1/2 years of crazy. The last year we lived together after he alienated my family from me. I lived in my car about 50% of the time because of his rages. When the stonewalling began I would go back because he left me alone. The last 6 months I would gather up boxes and pack, looking for a new place. As soon as I had a place about to be secured, it was like he knew, and would suck me back in. In hindsight I know now that being a daughter of a narcissistic mother made me very vulnerable to the 4 narcissists I have been involved with. As soon as I discovered Narcissistic Personality Disorder and DONM, it was as if a light came on. I left for good and read every book and article I could find on these topics. I think differently now. I feel worthy of love, I am talking more kindly to myself. I have gone no contact with my ex and my mother. I have met a wonderful man, who is unlike my past men, he is an empath like myself. I am at peace.
However, 11 months after leaving the ex, he is now stalking me. He texts, emails, and creeps my Facebook despite my blocking him. He is begging me to come back. He knows things he should not know. He knows where I have gone during the day, he followed me to a class I was taking, dated a woman in my class, and sent me an email describing her, the date, and how she reminded him of me. No one knew I was taking this course in a different city from where I lived…he knew. Last Friday he showed up at my place under the pretence of returning some of my things…my brother intercepted him and ran him off. I went to the police and they say until he hurts me they can’t do anything. I am afraid. What should I do?

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Janet April 9, 2017

My experience is just this. I slipped away quietly, went no contact he found new love with weeks. I was torn apart by his cruelty & his new romance for a long time.

I researched this personality, not believing I would be stalked or receive an explantion apology etc. But he found ways to stay in touch which evoked fear, swinging between I love you & I hate you.

His new relationship appears normal, it’s all over Facebook, being very afraid I have given false information very politely. It’s two years and an ongoing problem. Calling the police would suit him, he loves that type of thing & his communication is plausible caring with stings embedded. He is high functioning, charming & whilst my friends and family know the truth he has a perfect image.

Do they ever stop, I feel he is watching over me although he can’t directly communicate anymore. I want him to marry his partner I’m sure she is a narcissist too, she has also been checking up on me.

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Madeleine January 16, 2017

How will I find a psychologist who could analyze e/mails from an ex to see if this person is dangerous / mentally ill or just want to make me feel uncomfortable?

2,5y ago I married a person who probably have narcissistic and bipolar disorder. He was an expert in gaslighting and I was accused being paranoid when I, after a while suspected him having a double life.. He was also upset he couldnt take control over my bank account. We had a waterproof prenup to protect him and all his assets and income and my bank account with a few dollars was the only assets I had).

His double life was revealed 7,5m after the marriage (he had a girlfriend since 3,5y back who didn’t know he got married during this time) and I could finally ask for divorce. He was acting regretful until he realized I wouldnt come back. During our divorce process he did everything to delay and to make it costly for me.. some of his e/mails he wrote sounded like threats, also my attorney got a mail with disturbing content.

My now ex-husbands divorce attorney was informed we’d ask for a restraining order if my to be ex.husband ever contacted any of us again. During divorce process I just asked for his signature for to let me go and some pocket money, because I had left everything for him and was totally fooled and had to start my life from scratch. The divorce went through six months ago. I haven’t heard anything from him since nine months back, after he was informed he shouldn’t contact me in any way. Now, since one month back my e/mailbox have started to fill up again with daily e/mails full of hatred. It looks like a mentally ill and very angry person has written them.

Are there any specialists who could read through the e/mails and see if they are just written to scare me / to make me feel uncomfortable or if the author really is dangerous / mentally ill. I haven’t had any contact with him since 1,5y back, after a disturbing phone call just after I had escaped and just before my mothers funeral. I sadly answered the phone and foolishly didn’t protect myself when he screamed false accusations, blaming me for have tortured him psychologically (probably he recorded it because he understood how I would react.. with silence, in middle of grieving my mom) and I just tried to not to make him more upset by telling what I really thought about him and blamed others. Please, I need to know how to handle this. I’m as invisible as possible on the internet and hope he doesn’t know where I live.

I dont want to contact him or react in any way (it’s what he’s looking for), If I ask for restraining order, I’m afraid my address will be revealed ..(I have moved recently.) He harmed me physically when he understood I might be leave him for 1,5y ago.. and it scared me / shook me completely and I understood I had to escape.. and so I did.

He looks like a kind nerd and own a successful company, so even my attorney was fooled in the beginning. If anyone has an advice to give, I would be grateful forever.

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DA January 12, 2017

My ex is exactly like this. He was so abusive during our relationship and I broke up with him a month ago, he emails me an insane amount of emails a day. Like 300. Since he doesn’t have a phone. He walked 15 miles to my house. He calls my work asking for my schedule. I am going to get a restraining order. He doesn’t understand that i do not love him and I want to be left alone. He’s so selfish and full of his own needs and ambition that he doesn’t care. Narcissists are disgusting.

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Kristen October 31, 2016

I’ve met my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend and I thought he was cheating on me but then she wont delete the photos of him on Facebook yet she says she deleted all of them on her phone so she must really be a psycho….

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Andrew September 15, 2016

Interesting article. I wonder if we are so quick to brand people one thing or another. My ex shows lots of signs of being a narcissist herself, she also has lots of issues with her manipulative exhusband. We have been together – on and off – and I mean really on and off – she has returned to me about 10 times and each time she claims she loves me, is completely sorry, she always wants us but is just dealing with her fears of swaps rating from her exhusband. In The last 12 months we’ve been together on and off – the last time for about 12 weeks.
Then this repeating thing happens … She gets tired or stressed or sick … She retreats to where her kids are … Her exhusbands house. Yeah then I do send her lots of messages or calls … Most recently this might have been 10/day … She retreats further. Then she cuts off comms because “I am a narcissistic stalker”.
What then usually happens is I go quiet, she lasts a few days then starts communicating at a surface level (how was your day, something about sports, etc), I’ve missed her and talk back. Then soon after we get back together have great love and connection, she apologized and we get on.
It goes well for a period … Then as she is always so busy (work, kids, triathlons) … She’ll get sick or stressed and run away again. Then I communicate too much (and I’m the stalker again!)

I’m not sure these things are so clear cut?? Who’s really the narcissist in the above?, what explains the run aways? Am I a stalker for sending texts and calls? …

I eventually stop calling or texting. And yeah when she comes back I should probably say no. But perhaps people are always flawed In one way or another and perhaps it’s not so simple. Happy to hear any views 🙂

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    Kim Saeed September 16, 2016

    Hi Andrew,

    From what you’ve shared with me, she seems to have some toxic traits (could be narcissistic, Bipolar, Borderline or some combination) and you seem to have symptoms of narcissistic abuse syndrome. If you are desperately trying to communicate when she “goes quiet”, then you are likely acting on abandonment triggers. Also, your willingness to go along with this arrangement because of your belief she is flawed points to your being empathic, and people with empathic traits often get themselves into trouble because they think it’s okay to put up with unacceptable behaviors due to the belief their toxic partners just need patience and unconditional love.

    At any rate, your relationship does seem unhealthy and I would imagine she will always act this way. You don’t have to tolerate this in any relationship, even if the other person is “flawed”. It boils down to this, a person who cares about you will make time for you and not string you along until it’s convenient for them to see you. The question is, are you willing to accept that she will not change and go along with this pattern indefinitely?

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    Sandy October 10, 2016

    She’s a Borderline Personality Disorder

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maryhelenc September 1, 2016

I just found this article & I am so glad I did. Six months ago, the man left without warning. No explanation. Just wanted space for a few days. Never spoke to me again. I left my job humiliated (we worked together) & started getting my life back. Suddenly I’m getting a phone call from an Unknown number @ 1am. My kids claim his car is driving down our street. He’s reading my blog every day. Finally I gave up and all but quit blogging because I felt like I was in the Truman show. Yet, I feel badly because I blocked him everywhere for my protection. He’s stopped but I don’t feel like it’s permanent. I even changed my blog’s URL. But I feel like this is only temporary & he’ll start lurking again.

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    Kim Saeed September 22, 2016

    Hi Maryhelenc,

    I know what it feels like to being harassed and stalked. I wouldn’t stop blogging if I were you. Try to keep your life as normal as possible, and start documenting everything in case you need to present it to the court. Don’t feel badly about blocking him. You are a woman of high value, not someone who leaves themselves open to the manipulation of a disordered individual. He’s already blown it, and you have your life to live…you wouldn’t have had to block him if not for his actions.

    Kim

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tara August 9, 2016

Yes i have to agree about the damage a narrissist can cause to someone.. I didnt even know what this word meant until my husband and I began having problems.. Its been dysfuntion from the day we met to him moving in the next day and pressured to marry him three months later, when I didnt want to but being a push over with low self esteem didnt help either. I cannot comprehend such horrible behavior from someone, he went from a caring man to someone i dont even know. He has had porn addictions, he has been to prison half of the marrige, he has used drugs and cusses constant and since we have been seperated, I got my own apartment and he decided to be homeless after being released from prison a year and a half ago and stay in a car parked on my street. He wont leave me alone, he has made friends with everyone around me and shows up at my door uninvited, he calls me bad names says were still together and will pop out of nowhere when im leaving somewhere.. Know what time i leave and come back home i have called the police already and tgey gave him a trespass warning and he still shows up, i havent called police again becuz my son would be sad and so i dont.. Im seing someone else and have been but wont bring him to my home becuz he will cause problems and i lost my job due to stress and depression from this.. Im just falling to pieces and want to move yet i dint make enough to move and i just want to be happy again this is causing me to be depressed and not even want to leave my home or want to do anything anymore.. This is so wrong and thats what my experience has been with a narrissist..

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SoCalGal August 4, 2016

Hi Kim.
Thank you for your generous offerings. They’ve held me in good stead when I didn’t think I could stay NC.

MY ex-narc refused to leave me alone – 15 months after our break up and seven months after I told him to stop contacting me, he was sending texts, love songs, contacting my friends (and telling them not to tell me – they did), contacting my therapist – and eventually showing up uninvited and unannounced on my door step.

THAT was when I got a restraining order…he was decidedly unhappy…didn’t want it in his record, blah, blah, blah. The judge was decidedly unmoved and swiftly issued a THREE YEAR restraining order. After months of him stalking me, his formal response on legal documents was contemptuous – he didn’t really want me because I was unstable.

My NC approach differed somewhat than what you recommend. I DID follow your advice and stopped responding to him. Not once did I engage after I told him to stop contacting me. I was straightforward and uncomplicated. No loopholes. No hooks. My message was unequivocal. However, I didn’t block his texts because I wanted keep my eye on how disregulated he was getting. Keeping them helped me write a succinct list of all the dates he contacted me – and I was able to include direct quotes. I was able to print everything and brought it to the restraining order hearing. Those texts gave me the confidence I needed to keep my eye on the ball and not let him gaslight me.

One final thing. After our relationship ended I was broken and drowning in an ocean of wreckage. I wrote letters full of my anger and pain BUT I never sent them to him. I sent to them to trusted girl friends, to myself, to my therapist – anyone BUT him. Not giving him a window into my anger and pain gave me credibility exactly where it counted – the courtroom. He didn’t need my input to cook his own goose. He did it all by himself.

I know an protective order is just a piece of paper so I am staying vigilant. I am mindful of the fact there are people who get protective orders and still get hurt or even murdered. It breaks my heart. I’m carrying you with me.

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laura July 13, 2016

I’ve had to have my husband arrested. He was caught in a relationship wit another ..by me..since, he wants me to stay home and not work saying he would love to come home to what I had to give him. He then started to check on the mileage and gas gauge of my car. He became upset I was losing weight “for someone else” He started blaming me for having a boyfriend. He started leaving me without money, I couldnt leave the house or even have a shower without checking in. God forbid I didnt answer the texts right away. Fights started everyday, I was a liar, a whore. He said my parents and my son didnt love me because I was a whore. I had to call my son when he wasnt home. I found on google maps that he has been meeting with the same person there every week. I found a tape recorder he used to tape me and our conversations. He knows i know about her and so does she. And its turned into horrible games. he does it and i call him on it and immediately i’m the one doing. He then started with threats that if he finds out im seeing someone he would cut me into pieces. i know he is trying to justify his actions by blaming me. i cant explain how humiliating it is knowing he tells his friends im the one with the boyfriend and hes stuck with me. but he tells me if i leave he’ll find me and drag me back. with all this i had him arrested. but he’ll be out. and he’ll be around. Hes very angry hes in jail again. And this time i wont allow him back and i’m very worried what he’ll do. when he finds out i wont take him back he wont care what happens to himself or me. so so worried when hes released

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    Tiffany Sweeney September 11, 2016

    I can relate so much :/
    Luckily, mine was just a guy I dated for awhile and not the father of my kids. He also got stayed the other day for another violation of the no contact order and bonded out yesterday. I’m terrified again.

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Lisa July 7, 2016

Your article makes so much sense. I have gotten the ” Can we speak just one last time?” . My problem is my stalker lives in the United Kingdom and has been finding ways to harass me on social media and gmail even if I use Pseudonyms and don’t reveal my real name. I am finding myself having to hide from this man because he continuously makes fake pages to harass me and even sends his friends to do so. Facebook and Gmail have done nothing to help me. I don’t want to continue hiding. I cannot even write for a blog I was writing for anymore it has gotten so bad. How can fight this if he lives in the UK? I never acknowledge him but at the same time am angry I have to cower away from him and cannot live my life. I stopped speaking to him two years ago and sadly he still has not stopped harassing me and refuses to move on. I feel so helpless.

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terrorfiedformylife January 19, 2016

Hi. I recently have been granted two year protection orders for my children and I. It has been six months and he has yet to leave us alone. He has violated these orders several times and each time it is reported. During Christmas he violated the orders and came along with his family and few others pounding on my door. There were a few 911 calls that day. The police did nothing. It haa been over three weeks and the DA has yet to decide or contact me as he wonders free. Just a week ago he again violated the order and 911 had to be called and happened at a courthouse as I was dropping information off for the DA office. In the building itself it happened. I was told that they are looking at pressing charges….now this man has threatened numerous times to kill me and my children and including my developmental delayed sister. Numerous times proven he could do so not just with words but while in action. He’s left bruises on my children he’s choked my daughter tried usinf pillow to sufocate her threw her accross the room. He’s drug my son who has autism across the room leaving bruises across his beck ribs and collar bones. He’s even caused miscarriages. Thrown my vehicle that he’s driven with myself and children in the car saying he’d kill us all. He’s been aggressive towards others like my mom people in public and has serious road rage. He justifies his actions as it were my kids fault for acting disrespectful. He’s called us all names. Has used media to take votes about made up things to humiliate me. He’s video taped us in misery. Afterwords would stop the recordings and then toss us around. Once i was in labor he video recorded me in labor crawling on the floor said he was making sure that everyone will know im a wolf crier and he’s not hurting me. He’d hide in my house. One minute he’d break things of personal value and admit what he’s done and the next shame base and then later say we were doing this to him or it was never done. And when everything seemed normal he seemed so sincere andxwas so loving. And willing. Then o
It’d happen all over again. Sometimes over something small or nothing at all. I had pictures pulled off my wall and children’s art work burned at late hours for punishment. Things he knew meant a lot to me or my children. Or he’d punish me by unplugging and taking the wires to the t.v. and pop the bed when i was pregnant. But as these restraining orders are in place he has managed to take me to court at least two times a month for something he comes up with. He’s even used pd to deliver letters directly to me. Knowing the rules. The past six months have taken the life out of me. How can I help the authorities understand how serious this guy is? That I am in fear of my life and my children’s lives? That this has got to stop. He is going to kill me if not by his own hands but by draining me. I have now developed a heart condition and lost 74 pounds. I don’t sleep well. Im always agraid to go anywhere. He’s made it clear that he’s watching and that. He’s been seen and has had people do his dirty work. I no longer am on fb because he’s used it threw third party to stalk me. Im completely exhausted. I want my life back. I’m just a step away from protective living. So we will not be found. I don’t know what to do…

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    Kim Saeed January 29, 2016

    Hi Terrified. I am so sorry for what you are going through. If you don’t mind my asking, do you have a case open at your local Domestic Violence center?

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    Tiffany Sweeney September 11, 2016

    Sadly, I can relate sooo much. I hope you have found some peace, momma!

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Broox January 4, 2016

Thank you so much for the wonderful information! My brother is being stalked by his ex-girlfriend. Myself and the whole family have been stalked by her, she has no fear of the police or a restraining order against her. We have no contact with her, but she uses her Mother and third parties to try to get to us. The stalker has even gone to our family physician and our pastor trying to get them to contact us. Even coming to our church and following my 80 year old father home and trying to get him to talk to her. We called the police on her and then she went home and took some pills and called 911 and went to hospital. Then she blamed our pastor for the reason she took the pills, because the pastor did not counsel her that day. The police had to physically handcuff her and remove her from my brothers house. After being arrested, she was having her mother call family. This all has taken place in one week. I’m sick with worry, they just released her. I’m praying a lot for our safety and praying somehow she can get help and go away. Thanks for this blog, it’s so helpful!

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Anonymous November 4, 2015

ive been stalked for years and years from the same person, I ended up marring him. supprize it didn’t last, he always told me he would take my kids and he did, weve been separated for over 6 years and now hes using our son we have together to try to get inside my home, I need help! the local police say hes walking a thin line, and they don’t want to upset him cause he wont tell them things they want to know about other ppl. my son had to talk to many agencys, including the local police, because he was comeing over scarred and brused and saying that his dad was hurting him because he didn’t get the door open at my house! (yes on many many occasions my son who was than 9 was getting up and trying to unlock the doors at nite, wile everyone was sleeping) the police reviewed some of my servalence footedge, and because my ex my sons dad wasn’t in my yard he was across the street or walking bye midnite, 3am they couldn’t do anything, befoure we got the cameras we were all being woke up bye someone knocking, flashlite scaning the window seals, my doors being jiggled in the pm. the police on one occasion told me after priveately talking to my son, that my son told them that his dad has a secrit knock so he knows when he is hear so he can get up and open the door! unless somebody gets seriously hurt, or dies…im afrade that’s what its going to come to! my ex husband will not stop. my sons mentaly scared, and so am I! so much has happened too much to type!

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Giselle September 6, 2015

So appropriate that I just saw this on FB. I’ve been broken up with my ex, who I believe it BPD (but they have Narc traits too no?) he has been calling, emailing, texting, sending letters, leaving comments on IG etc for the past 4 months (we’ve been broken up for 7 months).
I figured out how to block him via google voice and blocked him, his brother and his work. So OF COURSE he called and left a vm from his home phone. Telling me he knows he’s blocked and noticed I deleted the pic of him from my IG (this pic was nearly a year back in my stream).
I read the other posts and get pretty discouraged as I feel like this is going to go on forever. He has even showed up at my house with gifts and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to “talk” to him despite completely NC from me for the previous 6 months.
It seems like blocking him is meaningless, or it makes him more upset.
I just wish he’d go away, I have no problem being NC with him and have maintained it since the day he broke up with me and walked out. I even told him that day to not call, email, text, IG or come by my apartment.
Didn’t listen. Doesn’t care.
So annoying.

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Strawberry June 19, 2015

It’s a different kind of creepy when it’s a parent.

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wondering resources May 26, 2015

i have narcs around me taking me down so to ruin me and i cant get any cops to help me cuz they are stalking me cant find any resources and they are stalking me to make me look crazy… FOR 2yrs now and they ruined my jobs.

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Lex May 16, 2015

Wow… What a read! This is exactly what I have been dealing with, albeit, I’m a guy and the lady that was interested / loved / wanted to control me is a celebrity. She has all of the details listed above and also would gaslight quite a bit.

She told me that if I speak to any girl / woman she considered that cheating, ironically, it’s a part of my life and job to speak to women, which in and of itself screamed narcissism, even before I started noticing her other glitches that showed me how deep and long she’s been afflicted by this.

She’s a 19 year reality T.V. star and model, I will leave it at that, Kim, I do believe you know who I am talking about. I am so glad I got away from her, although, I was trying like mad to get her to see a psychologist bare minimum, more like a psychiatrist. However, she laughed at everything I said, acted like nothing was wrong (typical behavior of a narcissist when countered with truth and evidence).

It’s interesting that so many readers here have the exact feeling about their narcissistic stalker, you love them, don’t want to hurt them, let them down slowly and walk away, ironically, we can’t do that, it doesn’t work. My love for this lady is still there but only exists to get her into professional help, more of a feeling of a responsible adult, handling an out of control child.

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anongirl April 29, 2015

Has anyone ever left then tried peacefully to get your things back from the guy only to have him contact a family member and threaten you the victim if you don’t stop trying to contact them over the property issue that they will place a restraining order against you? He was gas lighting me and making me feel like the crazy one. I have never been in this type of relationship before. In fact all my relationships until now ended amicably with most staying friends

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    Kim Saeed April 30, 2015

    You could try calling an attorney and finding out the best way to get your things. You might even be able to get some help from your local police department. I know those suggestions may seem over the top, but we often have to resort to things like that because of who THEY are…best of luck!

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Kelsea April 18, 2015

Thank you for this wonderful article. I’ve been doing much research on this topic and I definitely believe my ex of 2 years is an alcoholic N. My question is- and I hope you can help- I’ve read about the N hoovering tactics and there have been so many make up and break ups, or should I say idealizations and the discarding (every time gets shorter in between). My ex N texts me randomly in between no contact-no matter if I scream at him or politely ask him to leave me alone because all he does is hurt me. He has no empathy. Every time he contacts me its with mean texts such as “weirdo…lol. You’re a phony and a fake”…things of that sort. I’ve gotten much stronger by not responding but I won’t lie and say that I haven’t blown my lid and give him a piece of my mind-which I’m sure he gets pure enjoyment out of but at this point I don’t care. He can think he’s “won” all he wants. But at the end of the day I don’t hurt or emotionally abuse anyone. I am a good woman. Anyways, I received a random text this evening after a 10 day period of peace and silence and he claims I’ve been talking about him on Facebook, but yet I have not and he isn’t a friend of mine. I wonder if it’s an attention seeking tactic or a way to just piss me off. My question is- is it normal for the N to text or contact their ex when all they say are negative and mean things? I see a lot of info that they usually are kind and caring and ask to see you- which he has done in the past a few times but now it’s all just spewed hate. I need to block him, I know. I’m still trying to heal and I guess a part of me is still addicted in hopes he will be kind to me. What an idiot right?! If you could help give me some insight on whether this behavior is typical or not, that’d be so helpful! He fits almost all the criteria of a N to a “T” but this one aspect confuses me. Thanks so much!!

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    Kim Saeed April 18, 2015

    Hi Kelsea, thank you for reaching out. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yes…it’s normal for the Narcissist to text or contact their ex to say negative and mean things. It’s silly, I know. It’s kind of the dark side of hoovering. They make you feel so lowly that you feel simply irredeemable, and once you’re feeling lower than low and feeling no one else would want you, they come swooping in like some grand savior (even though they’re the one who made you feel like a reject).

    It’s both an attention-seeking tactic and a way to piss you off – a “killing two birds with one stone” sort of thing.

    Normally, hoovering consists of grand gestures such as flowers, cards, trips, fine dining and such, but they also use this other ludicrously juvenile tactic, as well. Oh, and the false accusation that you’re looking at him on FB? Another man-baby way of grabbing your attention so you will feel defensive.

    I would highly recommend going full No Contact and cutting this diseased tumor out of your life.

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Anonymous March 13, 2015

The above comment sounds like my stalker who won’t leave me alone. I am not for sure how she found her way here.

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anonymous March 11, 2015

I plan to be single for the rest of my life.. I’m turned off for good…. It will be a miracle if I ever go down that track again.. Just be aware and look after you….

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Anonymous February 20, 2015

Nonsense! There’s no such thing as snapping; it’s very premeditated and fantasized about.

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Anonymous December 6, 2014

Kim, i need Help plz..

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Kendra November 26, 2014

I can’ t use no contact…we had a kid together 6 years ago.

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2014

    In your case, you’d want to implement low/modified contact. It’s a little trickier, but it can be done…

    Reply
      mike January 4, 2015

      Kim, I could use some insight on low/modified contact. I have tried so hard to go No contact with my ex wife, but she doesn’t respect boundaries. Let me give an example. We share custody of two children and they’ve been with me for the last half of xmas break. Just Friday she shows up at my house uninvited and out and of the blue to give my son a piece of paper that he forgot at her house. It’s not important schoolwork and she could have just as easily emailed the teacher to inform him that it would be a couple days late. I just don’t like that she feels she can just show up at my home whenever she feels like it. Once, she just walked right into my house after I closed the door behind me. I’ve told her several times to leave me alone, but she keeps on pushing and pushing. I could go on about the numerous calls she makes….how she’s had me followed and watched me for 3 years…how she used my personal info (SNN, DOB) to access my health insurance policy online…the list goes on. But my question is, should I just let this last unannounced “visit” slide. I don’t want to feed her supply or let her know it bugs me…but I’m entitled to my privacy too. We’ve been divorced for 5 years, she’s remarried and has a baby with him. Why does she do these things? Any advice is appreciated.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 6, 2015

        Hi Mike! You’re in luck…I’m going to be writing a post about modified contact in the very near future. Until then, you could start by expressing that going forward, she needs to notify you when she plans on coming over, and further, that she isn’t allowed to just invite herself inside. And then stick to it. (Do it by email if it’s easier).

        Easier said than done, I know…boy, do I know.

        I know you feel violated…and it’s not really a matter of letting her know it “bugs you”, but a matter of getting your personal power back, as well as your privacy. Your home should be your haven, not a place where she can continue to let herself in at will and show up unannounced.

        She is doing it as a blatant disrespect for your boundaries and personal space. It’s one of the things they do, if we don’t put a stop to it. I know the idea of establishing these boundaries feels yucky, but it’s better to endure a few months of discomfort than to continue letting her step all over you as she’s been doing. Let me tell you, no matter how awkward it will be in the beginning, the freedom you’ll eventually get is well worth it!

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          Lynne January 6, 2015

          Mike first let me say I am so sorry that you are going through this. I was lucky that I could go completely no contact. However, a lady in my group only meets her ex-husband at public places (aka School or whatever to exchange the children). He is not allowed to come to her house for any reason. I am not sure if that would help, or if it is even possible for you. However, it does work for her so I thought I would suggest it.

          Reply
shebasheba November 18, 2014

Reblogged this on shebasheba's Blog.

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    Kim Saeed November 19, 2014

    Thank you for the reblog <3

    Reply
Stressed October 28, 2014

Hi, I’m so glad I found this site! I am I the process of divorcing my (I believe he has NPD) of 12 years and he is an ex cop, which is making this very hard.
We also run a business together and that’s why it has taken so long for me to finally go through this! He has hired a PI on me, snuck in the at night and hid in closets, installed live steam Video cameras in the house that I have possession of legally, one in bedroom and my bathroom! He has hacked my messages somehow on my phone and put recorders in the house. Now that he knows that I am 100% done! he is trying his best to screw me with the business and bringing the employees into this. I don’t know how I will get through this but it really helps to find other people who are going through the same thing, thanks for the great information!

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Damian October 27, 2014

Soon or later, I am leaving this town. Hopefully she won’t stalk me again after 7 years! She always get “attention” and makes alot of peoples giving her some sympathy. What a pathetic she is! I will be moving far away soon. Hopefully she won’t track me. So this means reduce all of the online bills, and other mailing lists. I don’t know whats her problem are, just to say either missing me or being mentally unstable.

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    Anonymous October 27, 2014

    I haven’t seen mine face-to-face since 2009. He e-mailed me in Sep 2013 (nice, polite e-mail saying he was happy for me and I should come see him in UAE), I replied and got no response, there was no communication for six months and he was then snooping on my LinkedIn profile in April 2014. Every six months he reappears (I have no idea why). He’s acting strangely and yet claims I’m the one with mental issues. It’s hard to figure out their motives. One thing is for sure I know mine is an expert at rewriting history, projecting, manipulation and doesn’t take responsibility for his own words and actions. There’s not much you can do about someone like that. Someone who is determined to portray you as the weakest link while at the same time trying to make you jealous.

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Ellen October 27, 2014

Hello my on and of relation with my ex who has every sign in the book of Narcism is now done for a week. This time he came back for three days and was gone again. I think when he knew that i still love him was enough to leave me again. I fellt on this trap.
We have some good times so why could not mean it. Deep in his heart he loves me. But i only see it one or two short moments of an half hour in a half year. Its like the normal volnarable guy has the guts to come out. He tells me he acts like the big tough guy the charming but little bad boy kind of man. Because he is insecure. He dont want to know the stamp of Narcism. Dont want to listen to it but he tells me then all the signs. Very hounest. Its like the monster in him comes back after that evening when he was so volnarable. I know for sure that there is a good person in it. I feel that. But there is a big ego over it.

What is strange for me that he does not stalk me. Thats a good thing but strange because everything in the book matches. Except this. He is now suddenly with someone els. Although i live in the neighbourhood he never checks on me. He can tekst me but only ones and if he notice i dont answer back he is to proud to go after me.
He is just to proud to stalk.

But i must tell you that till now i never rejected him. Maybe he thinks he can come back Always. When he wants to. Because he is superman. Everyone wants him in his life.

Now i am at a point i am getting back up. (again). Now i stay strong if he contacts me. What he almost never does. I am very curious to know what his next step is when he knows for a fact i never come back. Very curious if he does everything to come back.

I must be strong because a little bit of stalking can give me the feeling.. You see, he wants me so that he does everything to get me back. He is so defasteted of our break up that he can not controle himself. Because the hurt in his heart.
All because the love he has for me.

Thats why women falls in traps of those narcist. When the stalking is al little bit a woman can see this as a sign of a great sign of love. A love thats so strong that is uncontrolable
Just because he loves me so.

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Over It October 19, 2014

Thank for this posts!

I believe I am in the beginning stages of a stalking situation with an ex that I dated off and on for about 7 years. We have not dated in almost 2 years but here recently he has began sending harassing texts and even showed up at my job with small gifts. He has been asking me in phone conversations to meet him and telling me how he misses me. I have been firmly declining. All but the first year we dated was very unhealthy, he was emotionally abusive. I finally got the strength to move on from him and stick to my guns this time around. Apparently in his head we are still together. He recently called me and told me that he had some extremely urgent information and needed to meet me to tell me, we met in a public place and he in turn just wanted to talk about getting back together. When I declined, he stole my cell phone and ran off. I filed a police report about the phone although I should have filed when the harassment began, but I was hoping it would just stop. He has since been emailing me about the content of text messages, even going as far as to threaten me that he would use some information in the phone to conjure up lies to try and get me fired from my job if I do not call him. He has shown up at my apartment twice knowing I did not have a phone to call the police. I did have friends on standby the 2nd time via email so that hey could call for me and had to take advantage of that actually. I will be going by the police station to file for harassment, hopefully I have enough evidence with the police report, and emails I have received since my phone was stolen. All of the other evidence of harassment is in the phone he stole.

I have a strong faith in God and have been praying that this ends as peaceful as possible . I know that mental health is a strong vice and should be taken serious. I just want to go on with my life and for him to do the same. I never thought it would ever get this bad or go this far. If there is anything else you can think of that I can and should do please, please, please share. I do not want to feel like I have to look over my shoulders everywhere I go. I just want to be left alone!

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Shanley Brown October 17, 2014

I was married to my exNARC/Psycho for 7 years. I cut all contact with him the day our divorce (which he refused to believe it was a legal divorce) four years ago. He had trashed my Facebook, page which I had to block him, he called everyone of our church friends trashing me and so I had to block him and warn others to do the same. He then began trashing me on his social media sites making accusations that my family was into selling drugs, stealing from my dead parents SS checks (They both died at 57 and never got to receive SS checks) accused us of murder, identity theft, mortgage fraud. He even called the employers of my relatives and harassed them to the point one cousin almost lost her job. He called the real estate and title company and harassed them when I sold the house (which I owned and was protected by the prenuptial he signed) This has been going on 4 years! It became much worse when he found out I had sold my house and had remarried this July. His threats to have me killed, physically beaten to near death by all sorts of means appeared on his Facebook page. Friends and even some of his family became so concerned they sent me copies of his postings. Then some how he got ahold of my unlisted phone number when I had made the mistake of including it as a contact number for a class I was teaching in our small town. Both me and my new husband was bombarded with 30-40 texts threatening us both. He even hired someone to go to my former house to find out who bought it and these men were asking my former neighbors about me. So on my honeymoon began getting more threats, we decided to call the law and find out what we could do about this intrusive psycho. We live in Alaska and he lives in PA. We got a temp stalking order and were trying to get a long term one but apparently the law enforcement didn’t think the threat was serious since of the distance is several thousand miles between us. No he hasn’t stalked me physically but I feel he is getting desperate and I have seen too many stalking shows with dead victims. I have 4 years of documentation but not getting the law in PA to take my fears seriously. This man has threatened to stab me, my family, the law enforcement and lawyers down in Texas with his flaming sword. YEs he goes to a cemetery and talks to the ArchAngel Michael who tells him what to do. I really don’t care what nasty names or false accusations he makes to his stupid female followers on facebook, but I do take his threats seriously, I only wish the Police in PA would. He won’t give out his physical address so he can hide from the law. All of his anger has affected his health so if the law of the land won’t stop him, maybe his damaged heart will stop him for once and all. Not that I want anyone to die but if it keeps him from making good on his threats then so be it.
Sorry for the long rant but thanks for allowing me to vent my frustrations. It is so ironic that everything he posts about calling me a psycho, it is himself who he is talking about. He is the pyscho…normal people don’t stalk people who don’t want them in their lives for four years. He wants everyone to know he is the victim, feel pity for his Female WArriors of his on Facebook. LOL
Ok I’m Done!

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ExhaustedFrenchie October 14, 2014

I guess I’m luckier than most because My ex and I were in the same country for only 5-6 months (at the very beginning of our relationship). From that point on it was long distance until April of this year.
I never stalked him. I never checked out his online profiles. I thought that anything I’d see would be hurtful so why out myself through that. In the beginning we had Facebook friends in common and I would inadvertently see some things he was posting because the mutual friend had commented on his status. I removed him and those mutual friends from my contacts a long time ago.
I don’t know what the significance of 6 months is but I did notice that it became a pattern that he would reappear regularly around the six month mark.
I can say that things were good for 1 year and then things began to deteriorate. I had given my all (emotional support that he thanked me for) when he was in need and needed his support (he gave me 15 min then dismissed my pain by defending the boss that was harassing me). He seemed incapable of understanding how I could feel betrayed and abandoned by his behaviour.
It started a pattern of him insulting me, dismissing me and disappearing with no explanation and the reappearing 6 months later with no apology or explanation.
In September of last year he sent what appeared to be e nice e-mail (said he was happy for me and should come see him). I replied that I loved him but I couldn’t deal with the hot and cold treatment and asked him what exactly we would be having (making it clear a fling would be of no interest to me). I got no reply to that e-mail. I then find him looking at my LinkedIn profile. At this stage I still haven’t received any e-mail contact from him.
I add him to my contacts only in an attempt to figure out what’s going on. I ask him and his reply is “I was just curious so don’t get any ideas”. Meanwhile he is commenting on his own profile picture “Yeh. All the ladies love this profile pic.” When I mention that after 6 months of no contact it’s inappropriate for him to be sticking his nose in my business his response is to say once again that I’m delusional,deranged, nuts, etc.
He tells me that I’m not obligated to be on his contact list and I tell him the same thing.
He doesn’t seem to understand why his behaviour is wrong and he disappears from my contact list. I have since blocked him from accessing my profile.
I have no idea why he thought this was appropriate behaviour. His behaviour in my mind is so childish, designed to make me jealous, designed to get a reaction out me and I have to wonder when will it stop? I have seen people who he potentially knows looking at my LinkedIn profile. I know he has added one of my ex bosses (a woman he claimed to hate and not respect at all) as a contact.
When will this stop? I mean when someone like that is determined to make you pay for supposed wrongs (all of these “wrongs” which are completely fictitious) what can you do? They could cause you drama work wise.
All social media is blocked and I’ve gone no contact. But I can’t be sure he’s not enlisting others to follow me or creating fake profiles to follow me.
His behaviour is crazy, irrational, etc. but because he is older than me (43 y.o.), bigger than me, has a high status in his work, has a confident attitude people will believe what he says over me. That’s a fact.

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    Kim Saeed October 20, 2014

    Exhausted, thank you for stopping by and for commenting.

    Honestly, it might take about a year or longer for a Narcissist to stop trying to engage with a target, depending on the point of last contact.

    The thing to keep in mind is that because you have established a boundary, he will certainly try to harm your character. This is their blueprint. The best thing to do is go about your business with the knowledge that this is the period where you will find out who your real friends are. Don’t talk about him to anyone at all because it will keep you focused on him, and also could make you seem defensive to others. If someone brings the situation up, simply say that you are trying to move on and would rather not talk about it. If you need to vent, do so with ONLY a true and trusted friend.

    If you are worried about his creating fake profiles, don’t accept any new friend requests on your social media for a while. You might even think about deactivating some of them for a few months. It’s possible that he could have others following your social media, so if that’s a concern, deactivating them would be the best route.

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Marianne September 18, 2014

Thank you Lynne. Sorry to hear you had to. It sounds much worse than my situation. He at least hasn’t tried to contact me for several months. It seems extreme to want to move from my job but I kind of do. You would think that once it is over and you tell them you are getting married that they would really not want to see you at all. I for one go out of my way to try not to see him. I have begun to just look the other way now.

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Marianne September 16, 2014

Hi there, I have posted in other sections here. I have moved on from a relationship with a man I believe to have NPD or severe Narcissistic traits. I have a fantastic fiancé who understands what I went through with this man and was patient with me as I suffered almost post traumatic stress symptoms following me leaving him. I am happy with my new partner and feel my life is just starting to feel good but I have a problem that is like a thorn in my side. I work in the same town as my ex lives. He has for the past year since I went no contact with him, walked over the bridge that I have to pass after work most days at the time I leave work. His car passes mine morning and night if he isn’t walking and now he has taken to biking past me every morning as I drive into work. I can’t leave at a different time due to children commitments and there is no other way to leave town. This morning I got a creepy feeling when I saw him. In the three years we were together I never once saw him in the town, he worked from 7 until 7 in a high power job in oil & gas. Now apparently he can bike around town until 9.30 and walk over bridges around 3pm. Other people that I know are saying it is coincidence, I hope it is. I feel like he is doing it to affect my life in an insidious way but it sounds irrational as he hasn’t tried to contact me in any way. I hope my queasy feelings are all manufactured by myself.

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    Lynneledgewood September 16, 2014

    Marianne, It doesn’t sound crazy to me. My crazy ex contacts all my friends all the time and trashes me out to them even ones he has never met. He friended all my “Facebook” friends when we were together. I blocked him so he cannot see my page. I also asked my friends to either block me or block him, but some of my friends still contact me saying he is texting them about me. It has been over a year since I have had any contact with him. He even mailed things to my house. However, I could move so I did. now he doesn’t know where I am or where I work or anything about me. I hope anyway. Sorry you are going through this.

    Lynne

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conan September 7, 2014

I never understand why people get married in the first place, it is a contract until death. Human beings cannot honour such a contract, it should be abolished. Instead people use it as a social confirmation that someone loves and adores them and that their relationship is legitimate, its a total ego shit show from the get go. I think like shorter term relationships are just healthier.

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Jen Moore August 28, 2014

But what if you are required to still have contact through your children and that person will not give up trying to harrass you through the court system, or by lying, or manipulation. When are you finally done with them. When the kids grow up?

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ATTH August 19, 2014

My NPD mother stalked and harassed me, my friends, and even my acquaintances for about a year after I left her house when I turned 18.

She enlisted my psycho older sister to help her out with this. It actually escalated to death threats for a while.

They can really flip out when they see they lost control. I’m still glad I cut contact though. The freedom has been worth all the pain and fear.

If you are thinking about breaking from someone with NPD or a psychopath/sociopath, you need to be aware and prepared for the possibility that they may stalk you.

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Stardust July 30, 2014

Hi Kim,
I’m so glad I came across this website! Thank you for all the advice, it’s spot on.
I split up from my narc ex about 6 months ago after a 4 year relationship and gradually went nc after he harassed me via text, phone, email, voicemail, Facebook, Whatsapp, Mail. I blocked everyway he could get through. But now 6 months later he’s phoning off other numbers and still sending letters saying he will never give up and he’s going to start delivering gifts in person so he knows I’ve received them. I was so shaken by it all that I phoned the police and they have taken a full statement from me. They phoned me today saying they have decided to take him in and interview him under caution! I’m petrified! I thought they were just going to give him a slap on the wrists but now I’m worried to how he will react to this!
I know I’ve done the right thing but I’m so worried about his reaction to it.

So lost
Xx

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    Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

    Stardust,

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    It’s normal for you to worry about his reaction. Narcs typically choose us as partners because of our ability to feel empathy and compassion. You did what you had to do, so it’s best to let go of any concerns you may have regarding his reaction. If you hadn’t contacted the police, you may have had a stalking situation on your hands.

    Best wishes,

    Kim

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Lynneledgewood July 15, 2014

Okay anyone have any advice for me? My crazy ex-boyfriend is not stalking me because I have him blocked every which way to Sunday. I have not spoken to him or seen him since he beat me up in Sept. It is now July. However, he is constantly contacting my friends (some of whom barely know him or met him once) and accusing me of numerous things. They call me and tell me because they are concerned about the accusations he is making about me, my children and my ex-husband. It has been 10 months of absolutely no contact and no response to anything he has done or said including sending stuff to my house. But I cannot take the constant calls from my friends telling me he is calling and telling them that I am all kinds of things including committing crimes. I even moved so he has no idea where I live. I just don’t know how to make it stop. I know a restraining order would only make him madder. I fear what he would do to me if I got one of those and it is only a piece of paper and cannot protect me for real. I would’ve thought after 10 months he would give up.

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Eddie July 3, 2014

Hi Kim Saeed, I just read some your interesting column or article about ” The narcissist missing you or mentally unstable”.
I have an good example of something that started out nice and turned nasty!

A few years ago, while passing though college I met someone by accident. She was unlike most women that I had been interested in and completely blew me away. At first she was a stunning, poised and intelligent young lady, but as time went by she changed into more of a crazy lady. A few months into our relationship she revealed she dated one of her “friends” she kept insisting was just “a friend”. I understood she was young and not ready for a commitment and we re-shifted our relationship to something a little more open. She didn’t like idea of me even looking at another woman so she asked to get back together within a week. (In truth she didn’t realize how much she affected me.)

A few weeks later she was back at her old tricks, she had arranged another date with yet another local guy she met in a club. I was already irritated at her for something else with a different guy. As much as I liked her and looked up to her she was not ready, no big deal. I wasn’t going to get emotionally attached to someone like that, it was obvious she didn’t care for me. Sensing my mood, she abruptly blurted out – that she wanted to end the relationship. (An obvious sign of control)

I agreed and asked her for my apartment keys back. I would have asked her for my photos back but she never kept any of me.
(But plenty of her male friends – this hurt me more than you can imagine)

I didn’t call her for a few weeks and out of the blue month later she calls me up to say that she needs a ride to have a pregnancy test done. I didn’t know how to respond, I couldn’t have been the one responsible – so why call me? I don’t know if she wanted to make me jealous or just talk to me, but I was in no mood for her games. I told her I wasn’t her toy and dropped her off after the clinic and made a choice to never call her again.

Then she started calling my land line – every week on a schedule. At first I knew it was her and I even called her back after she called me. But she didn’t answer. (So she was just playing with me.) The schedule persisted and to be honest seemed impossible. I can’t imagine calling someone at the same times every week for months and months! That summer I went on an internship and came back in late August for the new semester.

The first week I was back in town, I saw her in a shopping center as I was buying some socks and underwear. She practically ran into my cart and made a huge scene as if I was chasing her. Up until then our interaction was cordial maybe a little tension but this was the first time she ran and acted that way. I was a little confused. I didn’t run through the store chasing after her but I was headed toward the cashiers and then I saw her with a group of guys (probably 4) pointing excitedly at me. (it didn’t seem to be a good conversation). I pulled into the counter, paid for my items and on the way out didn’t see her.

When I got home later that day, I called her up to see what was the matter. She didn’t realize it was me (with a new number) and when she did all I could hear at the other end was heavy breathing and the trembling voice of a woman that I didn’t recognize. I asked her if she was ok? I asked her if there was something wrong? Are we cool? She didn’t say anything except for “thanks for calling”. This was really unlike her, bizarre in fact.

Immediately after hanging up, she did the phone thing again. She began a new pattern in August, on my new phone number.

In early September she again ran into me in the computer lab. By the time I looked up she was running out the door. I thought she was nuts and went to collect my backpack and books instead. When I approached the door a few minutes later, she had been waiting there for me to follow her and continued her “escape”. I ignored this trap and went a different direction.

I was a little irritated by her behavior and I called her house. But she wasn’t answering.
I emailed her and asked her what was all that about? She said she didn’t know what I was talking about and to leave her alone.
Ok, maybe I was misunderstanding things or I was seeing things or mis-interpreting things. My fault – benefit of the doubt – right?

In late September the call pattern changed to midnight time all of a sudden. It was then that I realized she was showing up outside my classes. She was with one of my classmates, I would see her there waiting for him. To say that I was baffled was a understatement. How did she even meet the guy? It seemed that she was neglecting her own classes to be around my classes (on the other side of campus) waiting for her new guy. I found that I couldn’t come into my classes without running into her and a group of guys. I think her intent was to hurt me so I avoided walking into a trap.

The remaining months I kept away from those situations and finished school and moved away. There was some question after my forwarding number was bombarded by calls, my relatives complained that someone had been calling and hanging up the phone ceaselessly for a few days. I guess this was around the period she got married (to yet a different guy).

I never really understood what her intentions were. She wouldn’t never engage me directly. At first it was attempting to hurt me emotionally then a long protracted psychological game and toward the end it appears she wanted to hurt me physically.

I have gone on to travel and do the kinds of things she always talked about. Last I heard she was still in that same town hooking up with guys at the same club. (So I don’t know what her reaction would be she saw me? Hopefully not go nuts and shoot me!)

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE: Ever since then I know what to look for. Little signs of control – attitude – showing up – demanding things. I am lucky that I don’t get emotionally attached easily.

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    Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

    Eddie,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story.

    Based on your descriptions of her behavior, it sounds like she may have some anti-social or possibly bipolar issues going on.

    Yes, you are indeed lucky that you don’t get emotionally attached easily because that’s precisely why most of us end up with a disordered Cluster-B as a partner.

    Thanks again 🙂

    Kim

    Reply
Damian June 26, 2014

Hi Kim Saeed, I just read some your interesting column or article about ” The narcissist missing you or mentally unstable”, I had this problems that has been going on for nearly 9 years and I don’t have the choice or have the proof of claims that a former dentist assistance who used to work for my former dentist, that she constantly stalking me. As a divorced deaf father of two children and trying to my life back.

I don’t know where to start, but I am at the bottom of the pit going no where. It is about the lady who used to works for my former dentist. My father told me about the lady who works at the dentist wanted to go out with me, and remember that: it was my father who told me about the lady and that lady never said anything to me about wanting to go out with me. Also, the last several visit to my former dentist, my dentist’s receptionist constantly asked me for “another” telephone number, because she claimed that my landline telephone number does not work, but she failed to follow my instruction on how to contact me through the relay center. It is a translator between hearing and deaf people.

When my father persist on me about the lady wants to go out with me, I refused to go with her, because, I know my father tried to screw up with me when he did tried convience a lady who was an ex-convict to go out with me previously. I didn’t liked the ideas on what my father was doing this to me.But back in 2005, I thought the problem was taken care of, but a year later, when my ex-wife and my son passed away due to the tornado, shortly after that, I began to experience some problems. I have received some strange telephone calls as result the number of the number turned out as dead end, and I have received some constant calls from someone who was trying to reach me. When I asked them why they keeps calling me and they denied trying to calling me. A year later, I happened to see a lady from my former dentist office was talking to my neighbors, the other times later, I happened took my brother’s dog out for a walk, and caught me some surprise; she was sitting in her car with someone on our parking lot in front of my townhouse where my brother and I lives at, watching me.

After several time seeing her at my townhouse complex and I have no ideas how she follow me someplace such as 7-11 and few other stores. I was feeling “threatened” by her and I had no ideas on what she really wants from me. I decided to talk to my former dentist about the situations. He couldn’t do anything and I sought to seek some help because I felt that I was ” threatened” by the lady who used to work for my former dentist. I don’t know who started this; my father or the lady who used to works for my former dentist.

Any suggestion? Please, I needs to get out of this. And how do I tell if she following me because of the cellular phone? I believe that the receptionist at my dentist gave the assistance my number, both cellular and landline. Thanks, Damian

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 29, 2014

    Damian, I am sorry to hear of your experience with being stalked. To answer your question, if she has your phone number she can remotely install spyware on your phone, and reveal your GPS location. If I were you, I’d back up my contacts, change my phone number, install anti-spyware, put a password on the home screen, and also install a phone number-blocking application such as Mr Number so you can set it to automatically block any unknown or blocked numbers. I had to take all of these steps myself, and so far they seem to have helped.

    Aside from that, if she is stalking you in public places, it’s hard to prove that she is following you because in court, they would simply say she has the right to visit any public areas. If you have the resources, you might try hiring a PI who can track her activity so you’ll have proof in court. If she shows up at your residence, however, you can call the authorities right away and file police reports. After that happens a few times, you’ll have enough evidence to file a restraining order.

    Best of luck to you.

    Reply
      Anonymous November 5, 2014

      Install the software without access to the phone? I’ve had this issue and switched phones thinking this would resolve the issue. Can you please expand? Thank you

      Reply
        Kim Saeed November 5, 2014

        There is remote software that one can install on another’s phone simply by calling the target’s phone and their voice mail picking up.

        The one who’s doing the spying actually installs the software on his or her own phone. Then, they call the target’s phone and when their voice mail picks up, it installs the spyware.

        If you find your phone rebooting for no reason, see the lights acting strangely, or the microphone activates by itself, there’s a chance there is spyware on your phone.

        Reply
      Kim November 5, 2014

      Install the software without access to the phone? I’ve had this issue and switched phones thinking this would resolve the issue. Can you please expand? Thank you

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 12, 2015

        Kim, there is new remote software that people can download onto their own phones. Then, when they call your number and your voicemail picks up, it downloads onto yours. They can then access all of your voicemails, emails (if they go to your phone), and even use the GPS system on the phone to locate you. Further, they can activate the microphone (voice feature) and use your phone to spy on you.

        Guess how I know? 🙂

        Reply
Exhausted June 24, 2014

Kim,

I have spent the last few days reading through your website. I am in a terrible place right now and found some comfort in reading your posts. I have been in a emotionally abusive relationship for the past 2 years. I feel like I have been on a dangerous, scary roller coaster ride and I have just stepped of it. I feel completely lost and out of balance within myself. The man I was with was controlling, manipulative, jealous, he lied and he cheated but he managed to lie his way through the whole process. About a month ago he finally discarded me without any explanation that made sense, he said that he had problems, his children were jealous of me and he couldn’t handle the stress . Truth is he replaced me with his new victim, just didn’t have the gumption to be honest with me. I was distressed but decided to handle myself with dignity and self respect and started the process of acceptance and detachment. Two weeks ago I was suffering from complete burnout and was hospitalised as I was in a bad way. During this whole time he remained in contact with me, his manner cold and detached but to avoid conflict I just remained very plain in these calls, He never attempted to come to the hospital but did make a call to me asking if I was there because I was considering ending my life. I said absolutely not!!!, I am here suffering burnout, high blood pressure and pneumonia. I am home now and getting better but last night he just turned up at my house unannounced and uninvited. He proceeded to make himself comfortable on my lounge as he used to. He didn’t stay long and after leaving sent a text straight away saying u looked okay to me. I do not contact him in any ay now and I see he is annoyed that I am not contacting him. I know no contact is the best option but given the state my physical, mental and emotional health are in, I don’t have the strength to do that just at the moment. I know when I start no contact things will be very unpleasant. I don’t believe I really know what this man is capable of. I am thinking he is clearly narcissistic, manipulative and has psychopathic tendencies. Any advice on how to proceed from here. I am aware of the avenues the law provides but by remaining neutral and not contacting him it is giving me the strength to get better. Sorry for the long reply but I really need to talk.

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Exhausted,

    I hope by now you’ve recovered from your hospital stay. I have no doubt the abuse you suffered at the hands of your partner is the reason you were admitted.

    I wish I had a better answer, but No Contact is always the first and only step to healing. Leaving any window of communication open with a Narcissist is akin to leaving yourself open for abuse. Next time he shows up to your house, you should ask him to leave. He is draining your life energy and that’s why you feel the way you do. Things can only get worse from here unless you block him completely.

    Best of luck with moving forward.

    Reply
Dread Saber June 14, 2014

Hi I’m facing a similar situation with my ex and she just wont leave me alone. Has been trying some way or the other to speak to me or to get a response from me.
And when i do respond, be it negative or positive she feeds off it and comes up with ridiculous things to provoke me more. Can anyone please suggest how to deal with this problem? We were together for about 8 months n in the last few months of our relationship, it just wasn’t working out between us. I never made a commitment to her before getting into the relationship, saying that I would marry her or anything. And it was mutually understood that, Yeah lets give it a shot, n if it doesn’t work out then lets move on with our lives. But now shes has made me her Obsession and is creating more n more problems by making things worse everyday. She now has started abusing my parents n what not to get a response from me. Not like i dint abuse her i did but i never crossed lines my abusing her friends or family. Shes also trying to create problems between me n my friends. I know I can go to the cops but nothing serious or major has happened n somewhere at the back of my head i feel that in due course of time she’ll move on. I would really appreciate it so much if i get your expert opinions on this.

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    Kim Saeed June 15, 2014

    Dread, if you truly want this girl out of your life, then you’ll need to completely block her from all forms of communication: phone, email, social media, everything. As long as you leave a window open, you will not reduce the trauma bond, and you will continue to react to her provocations. If she is abusing your parents, you likely have grounds to get a restraining order against her. I wouldn’t allow her to continue running around the neighborhood like the proverbial rabid dog, causing destruction to you and your parents. You would do well to establish boundaries, because if you don’t, she will continue and her behaviors might escalate.

    Reply
Ann June 8, 2014

This explains so much – and why 6 and a half years down the road he is riding by my house, even though I have remarried. I caught him one day on my way to work and thought so many times before that I had seen him and that afternoon confirmed it. And now just this past Friday I heard a motorcycle ride by and heard return a minute later at 6:36 am and we live almost 10 miles out on a dead end road. I have been remarried for five years. My husband manages a property 45 minutes away and spends several nights a week there for work. The week prior to seeing him at our home my husband was mowing the grounds at the property and saw a motorcycle and a rider go by and within a minute return and ride by the opposite direction. My husband asked what had my exN been wearing when I saw him and when I described it and the specific motorcycle and helmet, we realized he is riding by there as well. The things my exN has said, initially saying he could never replace me to saying that he was getting revenge then changing that to “winning”, to never going to counseling with me to learn to communicate for the children because he was “never going to get over his animosity towards me” is so alarming. I was his property, he controlled me, and I left. When I tell some people what occurs they look at me like I talking a foreign language – I am so glad I found this article because I know I (we) are not alone. His actions are concerning because we are so many years down the road and I adhere to no contact. There is a current protection order in place for the children and they have limited visits. Yet he works as a nurse. The juxtapose is very troubling. He also is a firearms fanatic and owns over 50. There seems to be a never ending struggle and fear when you have been involved with a Narcissist. What is more troubling is his current wife stalks me on line and has found me in support groups, copied my comments, posted them to her page and even forwards them to others months down the road. I blocked them, had to be given their address by child protective services and have never been near their home, and avoid child exchanges. And I know how he thinks, he assumes that we do what he does, that everyone thinks like he does. Thank you for the information.

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    Kim Saeed June 9, 2014

    Ann, thank you so much for stopping by and for commenting.

    It is indeed troubling. Once one of these disordered people enters your life, it’s almost never quite the same. And worse, it seems they are popping up all over the place now. It’s rather creepy that he has his wife copying your forum comments and spreading them around.

    It’s good that you’ve remained so alert to his activities.

    Reply
jj June 3, 2014

Thank you for the blog! Gawsh I wish I could go total no contact with my abusive narc. ex. I try to minimize contact and only see him when dropping the kids off(which kills me) The other day he called to tell me he would be moving into my neighborhood! I am crushed.. I worked hard after our separation to give the kids a good life and home away from his nonsense(currently separated by an adequate 35 min drive). He now says he wants to be closer to them, this is after repeatedly not showing up for visits, bailing, not paying child support, and claiming his ever lasting love. He was charged with assault almost 3 years ago now, His conditions are just coming up to pass.. but in the interim he has been charged for assault on someone else and has huge anger issues. His outbursts will undoubtably continue, and if he has them in my small community I am terrified on the effect thats going to have on my kids and myself.. because the guy can be creepy. Wish there was an easy answer. My asking him not to move here has only seemed to fuel his desire to. Such a creep. Good luck to everyone.

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    Kim Saeed June 4, 2014

    JJ, sounds like he has some serious control issues going on.

    I know it would be inconvenient, but if the custody order allows, have you considered moving yourself?

    Reply
jaclinhope May 31, 2014

OH MY GOODNESS! I was on Google looking how to spell Stalker correct and up popped your article: The Narcissist Stalker: Missing You or Mentally Unstable?

I was married 42years. I can’t begin to tell how my story is one abuse after another. Why I stayed? I was in a ministry and wore a mask. PTL, I am free to live in my Liberty. I can see how my eyes will be open by your site of information as I pass it on.

THANK YOU!

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    Kim Saeed June 4, 2014

    Thank you, Jaclin! I’m so glad to know you’ve found something helpful on my site 🙂

    Reply
Phil Anderson May 17, 2014

oh we see you have moderation so anyone that wants to stand up against you there censored. Can not take the heat and the truth hurts.

Reply
    Kim Saeed May 18, 2014

    On the contrary, I approved and replied to your comment.

    Reply
    Phil Anderson May 18, 2014

    Thank you. Good explanation.I just don’t believe every relationship should not be thrown away because of some mistakes. People change if they want to. It is very hard work and takes honesty and being open to learn new coping skills.

    Reply
Phil Anderson May 17, 2014

You are solution to every problem is just dump and get away from the person. You preach like people can not change and get the help they need and people can change and relationships can work if both people love each other. You are not even qualified to be making these assessments on relationships. It is relationship advice people like you that we have over a 50% divorce rate in this country just easier to quit on a relationship then do the work go to therapy and couples therapy and work through the issues. You act like people who suffer bi polar or borderline personality disorder can not change. You are nothing but a man hating person that needs to see there is more the one way to fix an issue just not break up and ignore the person. My ex fiancee liked this page and guess what I was thousands of miles away. Your crappy advice that someone is a narcissist when actually it is borderline personality and my ex taking your advice ignored me and I ended up overdosing and almost died. I have cardiomoyapthy now because your crap I was a narcissist stalker when actually borderline personality. Suicide risk. Showed your site to real professional mental health doctors how many people have died because you call them a narcissist stalker or unstable when it is border line and you call it a psychopath. Then the signs of suicide are missed because of your lousy advice just get away give up find someone new. Easy. Your nothing but a man hating person because it happened to you. your solution is the only one that people need. Every article you write is is him, he, man. You ARE BIASED AGAINST MEN!

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    Kim Saeed May 18, 2014

    Hello Phil, or Linda, I cannot tell because of the email address that this comment originated from.

    I started writing my articles with more gender-neutral verbiage some time ago because the fact is, I have many male victims of abuse who follow my blog. When I first started out, I had mostly a female following, so “him”, “he”, and “man” were more applicable to my reading audience, aside from the fact that I am a female who suffered and escaped from Narcissistic abuse.

    I am sorry that your fiance left you, but with all due respect, if she was being abused, either emotionally, physically, or both, then I can understand her decision. I imagine she probably did try to make things work, but a person can only take so much. The 50% divorce rate was in effect long before I began writing my blog, and I believe it’s getting higher, not because of my little blog, but because there are more people in relationships who think it’s okay to abuse their partner in some way, shape, or form.

    Lastly, I am not a “man-hater”. I love the men in my life, and I have three sons, all of whom I have taught that it’s not okay to make people feel badly about themselves. I am sorry that you are bipolar, but having admitted that, you might understand why your fiance made the choice that she did. I don’t think she left because of your condition, but perhaps because of the way she was being treated…whether one is Narcissistic or borderline doesn’t really matter in the end. If a person with either of those conditions is mean and cruel to their partner, then the abused partner has every right to want a life free from abuse.

    Reply
divinnalafeme April 8, 2014

Thank you so much for replying your advice was really helpful I am contacting a lawyer now.

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divinnalafeme April 7, 2014

What if this ex broke up with you then moved out of the house you bought together then waits a year and starts following you everywhere? I am struggling to understand how this works bc when he ended the relationship I was heart broken and even begged him back but all of a sudden now that I am over it he has been showing up everywhere grocery stores/ bath and body works just random places I know he wouldn’t usually be and is expressing interest in rekindling the relationship but I don’t think I wan’t this and now I am told he could live in my house if he want’s bc we purchased it together. What now I am not sure if he is a narcissist but I am just trying to figure him out and what I am dealing with and is he crazy enough to try to force a living situation with me.

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    Kim Saeed April 8, 2014

    Without knowing more about your background with him, I’ll just shoot from the hip and give some suggestions.

    If he is a Narcissist, it could be that whatever or whomever he left you for didn’t pan out and now he’s coming back around. Narcissists absolutely cannot live without a source of supply. If he’s showing up in random places like the grocery store and Bath & Body Works, he is following you.

    If you don’t want to enter back into a relationship with him, you don’t have to. It might be difficult to get this point across if he’s a Narc because they are very persistent in the Hoovering stage, which is when they come back around acting sweet and romantic in an effort to get you back under their spell. Regarding the house, contact a lawyer. Many will give a free consultation. Let them know he abandoned you (there is a legal term for this) and has been gone a year and may try to move back in without your consent…find out what the lawyer says. There is also a website called JustAnswer where board-certified people can give you helpful advice. There is a charge, but it’s sometimes less than a lawyer would charge if you cannot find one who will give a free consultation…

    Either way, don’t let the guy bully you into a situation that you don’t agree with, if that’s where he is going with this whole thing…

    I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out again if needed.

    Reply
Tired of this March 11, 2014

Kim-Thank you for this site. The part, above, where you say when normal people decide to go their separate ways they can do so peacefully and respectfully really hit home with me. I have been in a relationship with a narc for 24 years and left one year ago. We have a child together that will soon go to college, but it’s the link that binds us together. He has not stopped stalking me and for some reason I am too guilt ridden to get a restraining order and I am too scared to file divorce papers. I know I am doing the right thing but I am unable to get over the fear that holds me back. During the summer he went on a vacation and I felt so alive and free. The rest of the time I feel trapped and guilty and don’t allow myself to have fun. He says I’m the only person in the world he has-since he has alienated everyone else. I have been to therapy but stopped doing that because I’m just not getting it. I’m trying to find my breakthrough moment that allows me to empower myself and feel validation. Not sure where I’m going wrong or what is wrong with me to be so weak and feel so awful for what I put him through. Backwards isn’t it?

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    Kim Saeed March 11, 2014

    I lived in guilt and fear for 8 years, I can’t imagine what it would be like for 24.

    How often do the two of you communicate? Is it every day. Even though you’ve moved out, do the two of you see each other regularly? Will your child go to college and live on campus?

    You are free to email me if you’d like to discuss this further…letmereach@yahoo

    Reply
amaezed February 28, 2014

Yes, I gathered it was a kinda female only site. I got the link thru someone else. I gravitate towards females and understand them or just like em more..lol keep up the good work
No problem… c u… 🙂
http://amaezed.wordpress.com/love/

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amaezed February 28, 2014

Just broke up with my girlfriend of 7yrs. I was hurt and tried to resolve the situation, but soon realised it was no use. Men are different to women. I didn’t give up trying. I gave up loving her. She dumped me for…what she called jealous. I’m not a jealous guy per se, but I hate it when she flirts and starts loving another man behind my back. I end up being ignored. Two years ago I left her for sexual innuendos which I abhor. I flirt but it’s in front of my gf and I always love her no matter what. I have no problem finding a relationship. I find that there are equal amount of women serial stalkers as there are men. I don’t believe, as bad as it is with men that it is all our fault. Women are manipulative and psychotic as are men. We must brand “types” as gender neutral and not just lash out at men. On another point. I know that we attract certain types. I’ve noticed that since my first gf…all the others are the same. I get treated as me, no matter who the woman is. I am the common denominator. I wish that instead of whining about bad relationships ending, we pick more wisely…hard to do when that flow is on….Cheers
ps and btw…I agree that it aint pleasant being stalked by anyone….nice site…..
http://amaezed.wordpress.com/love/happy-wives-club/

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    Kim Saeed February 28, 2014

    Amaezed,

    You are correct, there are female Narcissists, too. I try to use neutral language, but sometimes revert to using “he” or “him” because of my own experience and I guess because most of my readers are female, but I am in no way trying to be biased.

    Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story and link 🙂

    Reply
IdealisticRebel February 28, 2014

Reblogged this on idealisticrebel and commented:
Interesting blog. Congrations. Hugs, Barbara

Reply
    Kim Saeed March 7, 2014

    Thanks for the re-blog, Barbara, and thanks for stopping by! 🙂

    Reply
isurviveddomesticabuse February 26, 2014

Kim, I remember when I first left my Narc and he wouldn’t stop calling/texting/emailing/begging to have “one last conversation.” You advised me to have zero contact. I thought that was a really harsh way to deal with the current issue because I didn’t want to hurt him (ironic since he had no problem hurting me – ha!). Hindsight is 20/20 girlfriend… I 100% should have listened to you because I misunderstood the motive behind his behaviors. What I thought was his true love and ways to apologize were really only ways to restore his own self-worth. I ended up getting the restraining order when he pulled out a few tricks up his sleeve that scared me half-to-death. Moral of the story: Do what’s right for YOU and not for your abuser. Thank you, Kim, from the bottom of my heart.

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VivBlogs December 22, 2013

This is a very interesting read. While I have never had a narcissist partner, I have a former same-gender friend who is crossing the line.

We were very close but I couldn’t deal with the constant lying and emotional manipulation. I couldn’t be in a friendship where she was always the victim and I was the bad guy who had to repent, endlessly and repeatedly.

I ended our friendship as gently as I could by explaining that the emotional roller coaster was too much for me and my family. I was clear that I was hurt by the lying and manipulation, but I also expressed happiness that she had new friends and people that love her to lean on. I withdrew from our social circles, gym, Facebook, everything.

She went on a mission to either 1) show up where she knew I would be, even trying to go on a group vacation without asking me how I felt about it, or 2) trying to destroy me by contacting my business partner and telling her I was not to be trusted.

She moved into my neighborhood next to my children’s school, got her ex-husband to plead a case that their kids needed the stability of my family, and tried to get a job at a studio I’m a co-owner of without ever talking to me about it.

She has applied several times even though my partner has made it clear that she will never be hired. It’s the craziest thing. Who does that?

I’m not sure what to do. I have maintained a zero contact policy because I figure any contact will just start the cycle up again and hurt her more.

I don’t want to hurt her, I cared deeply about her and clearly she is in crisis. It’s hard to get support from my community because if she were a man or an ex-lover, her actions would be clearly inappropriate. But since she’s a pretty and petite woman, they can’t see why I’m concerned. They keep encouraging me to make up with her because it would “be easier”.

If I go into detail about her, I am seen as vindictive and I don’t want to be. When people ask me about her or want to report about her hijinks, I tell them I don’t have any contact with her but wish her the best.

She scares me. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. She’s never done. Do you have any resources you can suggest? I’m out of ideas.

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    Kim Saeed December 23, 2013

    Wow. It’s hard to know where this lady is coming from. Either she is doing those things as a form of revenge or she is stalking you, possibly both. In fact, while she exhibits Narcissistic traits, she seems to be way beyond a typical, everyday Narcissist. I would suggest that she is sociopathic/psychopathic.

    If you haven’t already, I would consult a lawyer and/or consider filing police reports. These behaviors seem to be escalating and persistent. You may even want to contact your local Domestic Violence center and see if they can point you in the right direction. While she isn’t a spouse or intimate partner, she is clearly behaving in inappropriate ways and honestly, I’m somewhat concerned for your safety. Maybe the DV center can provide you with some contacts.
    I realize you don’t want to give the appearance that you are hurting her, but I would recommend that you do what you need to do to ensure your safety. Keep up the No Contact, as well as refusing to discuss the situation with other people. I don’t know these other people, but part of me wonders if perhaps she asked them to approach you to ask you questions.

    Please stay safe.

    Reply
    BB July 3, 2014

    Viv, I hope you’re doing well. That woman sounds nuts! I’m going through a similar thing with a woman I met online. We were never close, but after I removed her as a FB friend, she started stalking me. I too am not sure what to do. Please update us and let us know what has transpired.

    Reply
      VivBlogs July 3, 2014

      Hi! Thank you so much for checking in on me.

      I am happy to say that she finally gave up on me, at least I hope so. I am always kind of expecting her to pop up again but I actually think she is in a better place right now and has dropped me as her obsession.

      I never reached out to her, communicated directly with her or responded to anything she did and I think she realized that I was a dead end and either moved on to fixating on someone else or (hopefully) is healthier emotionally. We were once good friends and it was hard to see her suffer.

      I wish there was a magical way to make these people go away quickly, but I think all you can do is starve them of any feedback and hope that they get bored and move on. I hope your internet stalker goes away. You really have to be extremely careful about who you let into your life.

      Reply
c.h.O.I.C.e.s December 2, 2013

Married 15 years, divorced I continued to see him and then I realized I was always the other woman. He is handsome and can be charming but his problems were always because of me, not the secrets he was hiding himself. When I decided to attempt dating, after the divorce, he hid under my window and when my friend left he chased him then pulled a gun. He would always find out who I was keeping company with and stalk them. This to has kept me under his control because I do not date because of what he does to other peoples lives, not just mine. He becomes friends with my new male friends and the relationships did not last long. Now divorced almost 10 years, I took him back in 2010 only to find myself sicking then I have ever been, I believe he was poisioning me. Its been three years and he has befriended ever woman at work that are caught up by his looks. Out daughter is in 10th grade, and his current girlfriend/live in is 22, they started dating when she was 16 and when I asked him why he told me “I wouldn’t understand, she did not have a father growing up.” WTF Not a declared DSM expert but I would say he is a socialpath narcissist. He tells ever one that he used to pull me out of bars, truth is he had me followed. The one thing he enjoyed about my drinking he exploited and used to put me down. As far as the phone messages, there is a way to block calls from others and if your find that you are not getting the calls you use to , its because of your stalker still wanting to control who you have communications with.

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    Kim Saeed December 4, 2013

    I can relate to some of your points, but it seems that your Ex has mine beat in the “Sociopath” department, and that is rather hard to do.

    It appears as if this guy really has a hold on you. Have you ever been to a Domestic Violence Center? Did you get the police involved at any point? As far as his statutory rape situation, he could have gotten into serious trouble with that one. In fact, your Ex sounds not only Narcissistic, but perhaps has Borderline Personality Disorder.

    Either way, the Domestic Violence centers can help people who’ve been through domestic abuse. They understand that sometimes emotional/verbal is worse and its effects are often longer-lasting than physical abuse. My local center gave me a court advocate and a referral for counseling. They also offer transitional housing, financial assistance, and other resources for people who are in emergency situations. If you haven’t already contacted your local center, you might want to consider it. I had to get a protective order against my Ex for stalking, and because of the help of my court advocate, I was able to win an extension, even though I was Pro Se, meaning, I won with no representation while up against my Ex and his lawyer. The court advocate helped by supporting me emotionally and letting me know what the scenario would be like on hearing day.

    Don’t beat yourself up about the drinking (assuming, of course, your daughter is safe). He obviously has way worse things to deal with. Those with personality disorders have a field day of pointing the finger and trying to make you feel worthless while turning a blind eye to their own criminal behaviors and the destruction they leave in their path.

    I feel for you and understand how trapped you feel. If you need help finding resources to get out of your situation, I can help.

    Reply
      c.h.O.I.C.e.s December 4, 2013

      I so appreciae your attention… I am finally seeing a counselor (but dealing with a lifetime of issues) and it helps alot to focus on my days work. I am successful otherwise. The only drink I have now is occassional with dinner, and when I think about drinking I almost feel sick. I smoke alot more, but soon I will try and kick that once I feel I am at a real confident level with myself and can see more positives than negatives. It’s a process, I know, and praying sometimes seems in vain but I feel stronger than I have in years and it is refreshing to be able to verbalize issues versus harbouring them. Thanks for the post and the feed back.

      Reply
strongersoulsurvivor November 25, 2013

Such a great post! When I left my abusive ex I went no contact as this was the strongest tool I had to stay out of the relationship. He began stalking me, I got a restraining order and even being arrested a number of times hasn’t stopped him.

As well as trying to heal from the abuse and put my life back together, I still have to deal with the fear he creates for me. It feels I will never be free of him.

You are absolutely right to recommend going no contact – and doing whatever it takes to have that enforced and to keep safe. Don’t imagine that stalkers are driven by love, it’s all about control – as you say in this post.

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wildninja November 24, 2013

Thanks for the great article. It’s reminding me that I need to get around to organizing my notes from over the years that I’ve jotted down to vent my thoughts on stalking.

There is a powerful tool that victims of domestic violence and stalking should be using, the Evidentiary Abuse Affidavit (EAA), http://www.documenttheabuse.com/. Don’t give your abuser/stalker any chance of getting away with their crimes, especially if you’re missing, incapacitated, or dead.

Your take on this is similar to what author Sandra L. Brown teaches, http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/. She educates others about pathological behavior and wrote books that I consider must-reads for both sexes: Women Who Love Psychopaths and How to Spot a Dangerous Man. One of her recent weekly e-newsletters talked about how the holidays are prime time for an abuser to worm their way back into your life by wanting to “get together,” drop off a gift, etc. Don’t take the bait. It’s a flash of counterfeit sunshine to lure you back into their darkness.

And you’re right– no contact is excellent advice. Don’t bare your neck for the vampire at all.

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    Kim Saeed December 16, 2013

    I’m not sure how I missed your insightful comment, but I do apologize! I was updating my post’s categories, and saw this very informative comment you left back in November.

    I’ve gotten a little concerned for some of my readers who can’t seem to go No Contact and have let their Ex/Stalker back into their life. I wish I could help them see it’s all about power and control with these psychopaths. In fact, in the Stalker’s mind, they don’t see the relationship as being over, and further…if their victim considers a new relationship, the stalker thinks of it as cheating because they still see their victim as his/her own property. Sick.

    I will certainly check out these links you so kindly shared. I like your blog, by the way 🙂

    Reply
      wildninja December 16, 2013

      Thanks. My blog’s whatever’s on my mind… but has a lot to do with the same topics– dark souls, relationships, etc.

      Reply
Human Rights Vs. Stalkers November 24, 2013

This is an excellent article, which I have reblogged. Thank you for bringing awareness to this problem.

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    Kim Saeed November 24, 2013

    Wow! Thank you for the re-blog. I wrote the article because many people misconstrue why their Ex or soon-to-be-Ex tracks them down and blows up their phone trying to get in touch…they think it’s because the Ex misses them and still loves them, when it’s really just a matter of getting control over them again.

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      raluca September 29, 2015

      Thank you. Just a thought: it is so hard to resist the need to answer the abusers, because many times we still love them deeply.

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      kathy October 8, 2015

      I don’t think I stalked but I sent numerous messages wanting to know why it ended. It had nothing to do with control, I needed to know why. My heart was completely broken. I never went passed messages but sometimes it’s just about being hurt and wanting to know why, to me that’s not a mental disorder. When he finally told me why it was done. I think people just need to be mindful towards other feelings.

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        Kim Saeed November 1, 2015

        Kathy, wanting to know “why” isn’t really stalking, although depending on how many times we reach out, it might be considered unhealthy at some point and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Only that when we reach a chronic stage of reaching out to the narc for closure, we can become stuck and obsessive (which I say from experience).

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          Carrie June 23, 2016

          Thats exactly what happened to me. I may never have the closure and answers, but someone who is a sociopath can sure twist things and make you feel or act like a stalker. Hell they even accuse you of it. Which really hurts when you are not like that at all. They twist everything around to where its ridiculous. She once claimed a guy friend tried to rape her which she feels is a justified term for someone making an unwanted advance. From a simple unwanted kiss or even hug she say rape. It is offensive to me that she says things that way because if i were the guy that was her friend and found out she said that of me i sure wouldnt trust her. Plus thats a huge allegation , whether it was made to just me as her friend or if she had made a police report (which she did not). Shouldnt tarnish people like that to people. Even if they dont know each other it still wrong

          Reply
Human Rights Vs. Stalkers November 24, 2013

Reblogged this on Human Rights Vs. Stalkers and commented:
We try to do the proper, reasonable thing during a break-up. We don’t want to be “mean,” and we do want to uphold our “dignity” throughout the process. Denial about the seriousness of the abuse has set in, so we don’t think we are in danger. These are the mistakes we make that can ultimately get us killed.

Part of the problem is that we still love our abusers. We are trying not to “hurt” them (or ourselves) too much by letting them go slowly. This is why it is imperative to become emotionally prepared before the breakup, to avoid deadly mistakes.

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gracielynne62013 November 24, 2013

So true. My narcissistic ex boyfriend kept begging me to meet him to tell him why I broke up. I had been telling him for 4.5 years that I was not happy and he didn’t listen, so why would I think that would change?

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    Kim Saeed November 24, 2013

    It IS rather ironic, after the fact, how we tell them for years that we aren’t happy, yet they act surprised when we want to leave the relationship…

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    Yalonda June 7, 2015

    I have been so stalk for 2 years now. I let him drop me off it only happen one time it was awful 30 seconds he has 5 kids and a wife and I was cool. I told he that he came over unannounced called my phone I had to move and get my number change. Then he comes to the bar I go too. I told him I’m cool and I’m back with my x. He does not belive it. I was at a hotel one night before I change my number he call me saying he was outside what room was I in he called me 10 times back to back. Then he came to the bar park his van down the street and ran in there looking for me. I had to tell people about him. Then he stills come asking me can he talk to me I said no man go home to your wife and 5 kids I don’t want you never did. It got so bad I had to leave town. I came back to town and he found me hit a condo and just sat there until I seen a friend then he left. This has been going on since Jan 2014 til now help what should I do because now I fear for my life now. He told me I love you I told him I do not love you nor will I ever. This man is sick. Look I’m 50 he is 34 I did not know he was that young. He is sick. If anyone can tell me what to do please let me know cause now I cannot walk down a street nor go to my bar.

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      Tina November 20, 2015

      I feel your pain, sister. I have been stalked by my ex husband for two years. It followed with these things…. He followed me on Facebook, Google plus, and other sites. I had to block each profile. Mind you, I never befriended him on any of these sites. Then he called my landline non stop I mean literally. I finally blocked him, He upped his game now he’s showing up at my job and showing up at my house, and driving past.

      The plot thickens. He now has barged in my home and badgered our kids about me. He started to follow me around town. You can’t even imagine this fucking nightmare. I’m still dealing with this shit.

      Reply
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