The Narcissist Stalker: Missing You or Mentally Unstable?

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Nov 23

 

narcissist won't let go

You tried to end the relationship with your toxic partner, but they won’t let go.  

Suddenly they are bombarding you with loving texts and emails, and have begun showing up at your social events and place of employment.  It’s like the high school boyfriend – on steroids.

For those who haven’t experienced these kinds of behaviors before, the difference between affection and mental instability can be blurred.  In fact, under the influence of the Narcissist, we often normalize their abnormal conduct to the point that their psychopathic behaviors don’t seem so bad, after all.  This is frightening in itself because it’s a sign that we are losing the capacity for rational thought.

See how he loves and misses me so deeply that he can’t go a minute without me?

I invite you to come out of the peptide-induced haze and see what’s going on.  Think back to your past relationships and make some distinctions about your Narcissistic partner’s delusional behaviors.  You will likely find you have a borderline, if not full-blown psychopath on your hands. Allow me to assist you in clearing up those blurred lines so you can get yourself to safety and begin the Journey Back to Self.

In a conventional relationship, when one or both partners have decided it’s not working out, there is a process by which they come to terms with the situation and prepare for the split.  It’s decided who is going to move out, which items each partner will keep, and determine if it will be feasible to remain friends.  There may be second thoughts, some hesitations, which might lead to one of the parties contacting the other to make sure they aren’t making a mistake.  After working up the nerve, they make that last phone call, leaving a sincere, heartfelt message about the good times.  It’s all part of the separation and grieving process.  After accepting that the relationship is indeed over, both parties begin their lives anew, deal with the sorrow, and move on day-by-day.  Eventually, they start dating other people and fall in love again.

Remember that scenario? That’s what it’s like when two average, considerably normal people break up.  Normal people do not stalk their soon-to-be Ex.  They don’t show up in the parking lot at their place of employment; they don’t send fifty to a hundred texts per day; they don’t suddenly appear at the out-of-the-way coffee shop where you’re meeting a friend and force themselves into a seat at your table and go through your cell phone that you accidentally leave behind on your trip to the ladies room; they don’t appear beside you on the highway several times a week; they don’t dishonor your requests to be left alone; they don’t express contempt while professing love…

These behaviors are part of the psychosis that your Narcissistic partner experiences when they are threatened with losing the person that they had complete control over…you.  Stable people have a sense of pride and will not continue to put themselves in a situation where they will be rejected.  A Narcissistic stalker has no sense of boundaries, especially in the face of rejection.  Their only goal is to get you back under their control by any means possible.  This is a sign of mental instability.  Stalkers will spend hours planning and executing their stalking, going across town or even to other states.

Remember the movie, Sleeping With The Enemy?  He was a dream-come-true, until he had her hooked in the marriage.  When she escaped, he spared no expense tracking her down.  The reality is that this happens more frequently in life than one might think.

According to End Stalking in America, Inc.:

Stalkers have usually been involved in an intimate relationship with their targets. Often the target has attempted to call off the relationship but the stalker simply refuses to accept it. These stalkers suffer from personality disorders, including being emotionally immature, extremely jealous, insecure, have low self-esteem and quite often feel powerless without the relationship.

The stalker of former spouses or intimate partners, are often domineering and abusive to their partners during the relationship and use this domination as a way to bolster their own low self- esteem. The control the abusers exert over their partners gives them a feeling of power they can’t find elsewhere. They try to control every aspect of their partner’s lives. Their worst fear is losing people over whom they have control.

When they realize this fear as the relationship finally does end, the stalker suddenly believes that his/her life is destroyed. Their total identity and feelings of self-worth are tied up in the power experienced through their domineering and abusive relationship. Without this control, they feel that they will have no self-worth and no identity and they begin stalking, trying to regain their partner and the basis of their power.

It is this total dependence on their partner for identity and feelings of self-worth that makes these stalkers so very dangerous. They will often go to any length and stop at nothing to get their partner back. If they can’t have the people over whom they can exert dominance and total control, their lives are truly not worth living.

Stalking does not always begin with violence or trying to terrorize, it usually starts with, “Can I just talk to you or meet with you one last time?” “If you just talk to me I’ll leave you alone.” According to experts, “He wants her back, and she won’t come back.” Everything escalates from there and sometimes he snaps and assaults or kills her. In his mind, he makes the decision, “If I can’t have you, no one else will.”   When he says this, he is attempting to cover his fear that she’ll meet another man and leave him. 

This is a good reason why it’s crucial to go No Contact when leaving a Narcissistic partner.  If you have expressed your desire to be left alone, and the Narc won’t comply, call the police, file reports, and if that doesn’t work, get a protective order. You must take a proactive approach when freeing yourself from the grips of narcissistic abuse.

Download the No Contact Questionnaire below to see how your life could be different by going No Contact.

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