Are you having issues in the bedroom with your narcissistic partner? Have you been persuaded to do things you swore you’d never do just to stay in the narcissist’s good graces and try to prevent them from cheating? Do you hear on a regular basis how boring and frigid you are and wish you could have close, meaningful relations instead of feeling like a star in an adult smut movie?
I talk with many people regarding their intimate relationships with narcissists. Narcissists are generally exhibitionists, and sex is just another method of getting attention and admiration.
They also tend to watch lots of internet porn.
Narcissists are threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs. Because of this, most narcissists prefer internet pornography and self-gratification to mature, intimate sex. This explains why articles related to narcissists and sex describe claims of sexual addiction – claims used by the narcissist as smoke and mirrors to cover up their affairs and porn addiction.
Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital liaisons for a variety of reasons, including control, power, attention, and because they get bored easily. This explains why partners of narcissists almost always catch them on online dating sites and why narcissists are often addicted to internet pornography. Research has shown that the more control narcissists have over sex, the more gratifying the experience tends to be.
This addiction can lead to porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which they then blame on their partner(s). Affected partners become traumatized, depressed, experience body-image issues, and these issues often spill over into other areas of their lives, like work and child-rearing. Shamed partners often turn to coping mechanisms such as food, drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery, and/or finding an affair partner or completely shut down sexually. In severe cases, affected partners have attempted suicide.
How does the frequent viewing of porn/masturbation result in erectile dysfunction?
The mechanics include the following:
- The need for higher thresholds of excitement
- Causes lack of sensation and/or lack of desire
- Lack of intimacy with a partner and anorgasmia; which is not only caused by lack of sensation but can be due to “edging”, which is when someone reaches the point of climax and stops themselves in order to prolong the porn experience, which then transfers over to relations with their partner
- Persistent viewing of porn causes an increased need to view because the dopamine receptors in the brain are stimulated over and over again, causing high tolerance
- Perpetual refractory periods cause less desire to have sex with a partner; they have no desire because they’ve been watching porn and self-satisfying
- The problem isn’t necessarily in the genitalia, but in the mind…desire is rooted in the brain, and over time, porn/masturbation causes dopamine overloads/short-circuiting/burnout, so that sex with a partner doesn’t achieve the same kind of result
- Creation of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style – masturbating uses a different kind of friction and pressure than one would experience with a partner/intercourse, which acclimates the person to a new kind of physical pressure that desensitizes the person during actual sex
- Often can’t be treated with traditional drugs (Viagra, Cialis, etc.) like “traditional ED”. Although they can provide blood flow to the genitalia and cause an erection, the person often cannot achieve orgasm because the main problem is rooted in the brain, which has been desensitized from porn
Again, not all porn addicts are narcissists, but a high percentage of narcissists are addicted to porn. If you’re not sure which category your partner falls into, look for their willingness to overcome their addiction with your help. If they blame their condition on you, or refuse to talk about recovery, chances are high that they are a narcissist. Even if they’re not, you’ll want to consider the possible effects on your mental and emotional health if choosing to stay with a porn-addicted partner who shows no desire to stop.
Besides, porn has humanitarian and ethical implications, including the following:
- Increased demand for porn has caused an increase in human trafficking
- Lower quality of life for people in the sex industry (in general, not in all cases) –cases of violence, emotional abuse, threats, etc. for people wanting to leave the industry
- Causes unrealistic expectations for young teens, the first sexual experience is often porn, long-term ramifications for normal relationships
- Virtual infidelity –people begin to prefer porn to their partner(s), cannot be aroused by partner(s), people who watch porn often fake orgasms with their partner and then go watch porn to please themselves; dilutes connection with partner/spouse – often leads to increased real-life infidelity
- Studies have found correlations between pornography use and marital/relationship instability; those who reported being happily married were much less likely to report the use of internet porn
- Pornography use has been linked to higher rates of divorce, extramarital affairs, lower rates of happiness in marriage/relationships and with life in general
This article isn’t meant as an argument for or against porn. There are enough debates on the subject centered around sexual autonomy, choice, feminism, and other societal considerations.
This article was written to help traumatized partners understand that if their narcissistic partner blames their ED on them, there are very real physiological and psychological reasons why this may be happening, which have nothing to do with affected partners. If this describes your situation, please seek professional therapy, and if your partner shows no signs of change, you may want to consider ending the relationship because the situation will only get worse.
Final Thoughts
You deserve so much more than that emotional abuse. Breaking free from an abusive relationship may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will also be one of the most rewarding decisions you’ll ever make. Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift.
I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted a favorite by professionals in the psychological community. Therapists refer their own clients to this program.
As you work through the program, you will experience freedom of expression, radical self-care, and self-confidence.
The relationship between you and your inner cheerleader will become as close as a best friend.
Your true self will be revealed to you in a way you never imagined. There’s a good chance you’ll start loving the person in the mirror, keeping promises to yourself, and celebrating your choices over time.
Your new sense of self-assurance will make you feel empowered.
Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life. The Break Free Program will give you the exact strategies to help you discover the key to transformational healing. Our beautiful community includes people in varying stages of their healing and several who are celebrating their anniversaries of no contact!
See what students and mental health professionals have to say.
