Narcissistic Ex Loves New Partner More

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Oct 13

One of the biggest struggles when detaching from an abusive relationship with a Narcissist is the perception that he or she loves their new partner more.  In fact, it enhances feelings of low self-esteem in the former victim so drastically, that many never fully recover, regardless of how much therapy they receive.

Why?  Because of erroneous thinking that originated during childhood and escalated with the Narcissist’s insidious conditioning which began right after the love-bombing stage and grew increasingly worse during the devalue and discard stages.

What do you mean by erroneous thinking? 

When you first met the Narcissist, he or she spent a great deal of time observing you and your thoughts, doubts, insecurities, and weaknesses.  They may have mirrored those feelings in an attempt to give you a feeling of closeness and comradery.  You finally felt accepted, believing you’d found a partner who would love you unconditionally, until…

Once they determined you were in love with them the novelty wore off and they became bored.  This boredom caused them to begin looking for so-called flaws in you.  Since none were readily apparent, they fell back to the struggles you shared with them during moments of “intimacy and kindredness”.  This often happens after you begin to notice inconsistencies in their behavior, which forces them to attack you, taking the focus off of them and their inability to keep up the charade.

Narcissists don’t know love, so your attempt at trying to solve problems in the relationship comes across to them as a personal attack.  They resolve to beat you to the punch.  Thus begins the devalue stage, and is usually when they begin searching for a new target.  However, accepting a grain of accountability would throw off their false persona, so the new driving force in their life is to make YOU believe you’re the reason for their withdrawing their love and affection.  Enter your previous confessions of insecurity and feeling betrayed in the past by friends, family, and/or ex-lovers.

Okay, but still waiting for the erroneous thinking part…

In the context of your believing the Narcissist has chosen a new lover because you’re not good enough, it’s important to rely on facts as opposed to what your abuser says.  He or she is simply exploiting your emotional wounds, most of which likely developed during childhood (which is often out of our conscious awareness) and/or as a result of an emotionally traumatizing event (such as previous emotional abuse).  These wounds typically manifest in the following ways:

  • Heightened fear of abandonment
  • Guilt, shame, self-blame
  • Feeling sad or hopeless
  • Confusion, difficulty concentrating
  • Anxiety and fear
  • Withdrawing from others
  • Inability to process strong emotions
  • Inability to trust other people
  • Perpetually being in “fight-or-flight” mode
  • Being triggered by random stimuli that you subconsciously associate with a traumatic memory

These symptoms are rooted in false beliefs one has about their worth based on past emotional trauma and are the reason you feel less-than.  These feelings are then intensified by the Narcissist’s cruel interjections that their new partner is better than you.  However, I like to point out that most everything the Narcissist says is a lie, including the comments they make during attacks on your character and appearance.  However, because we’ve internalized harmful messages about who we are from a young age, it’s easy to believe the Narcissist when they deal devastating verbal blows.

Part of healing from Narcissistic abuse includes reframing your beliefs based on reality rather than limiting beliefs you may hold based on how you’ve been treated.  Just because the Narcissist says you’re unattractive or unworthy of respect doesn’t make it true.  These are erroneous beliefs we hold due to negative conditioning, or our internalized story of self.

Erroneous thinking examined

I work with victims of Narcissistic abuse every day.  The things I’ve observed about them are in direct contrast to what they often believe about themselves.  People who reach out to me often feel unattractive, unsuccessful, and hopeless.  The fact of the matter is they’re all very attractive, successful, accomplished, outgoing individuals.  They simply have a faulty belief system.

Replacing old emotional habits with healthier ways of thinking, feeling, behaving, and relating to others begins with taking control of your emotional health.  A great way to start is by taking steps to heal your inner child, who has suffered greatly as a result of your relationship with the Narcissist.

In closing, your Ex doesn’t love the new girlfriend/fiancé more.  It’s important to understood that his leaving you was likely due to your discovery of his false image and not anything related to you as an individual.  Additionally, it’s important to remember that the new partner is being love-bombed by the Narcissist, otherwise she wouldn’t willingly enter into a relationship with them.  Moreover, you should acknowledge you are enough…just the way you are.  But, you have to believe it.

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(35) comments

Anonymous January 5, 2017

I am so grateful to have found this site. I was in a relationship with a narcissist for 10 years from 19 to 29 years old and he is about to marry the girl he left me for in a few months. There was always an excuse to wait for marriage throughout the years. Towards the last few years of our relationship, he became extremely abusive emotionally and physically. At that point, I was completely under his mind control and it was a very sad situation, The last year of our relationship my sister passed away suddenly and tragically and he was absolutely awful. When I found out she passed and called him to come get me he said he couldn’t because he had to work the next day, he worked for his dad. It wasn’t until my friends kept calling him and telling him to come that he did. He then told me he hated all of my friends and didn’t want to see them ever again. During that time I stayed with my parents for a month to help them with my sisters passing. He completely turned on me and treated me so bad. I forgot to pay the electricity bill and he called me and cussed me out while I’m consoling my parents and told me I am no longer allowed in our home. When I finally came home I would have moments of crying from the grief and he would say things like “aren’t you over that yet” or “your being really annoying”. It was completely horrendous but I still couldn’t leave.
A few months later he became extremely distant and I think I was so depressed I didn’t even notice that he was seeing someone else. I finally found out one day and confronted him and he literally stood there and smiled as he talked about her and how she was his new girlfriend and how amazing, rich, and accomplished she was. Well, come to find out she is none of those things and he definitely downgraded. It has been 3 1/2 years since the split and I am in a completely normal and healthy relationship, but I cannot get the fact that he is marrying this girl out of my head lately. It has made me very depressed these last few days and I can’t shake it. I know I should hate him because he truly is a monster but my mind is like WTF? Why was I not good enough?

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Alia October 20, 2016

I can relate to the stories on this site. The trauma i went through is still haunting me today. He mived on and got married within months of me standing upto him and exposing him to his freinds about how he had treated me. Of course the narcissistic rage and smear campaign followed with his marriage.

He could never commit or be honest and open about me. Yet after getting married he was pasting pics of him and his wife on fb.

6 years of back and forth, lies, manipulation and love bombing. I suffered with ptsd, cognitive dissonance, panick attacks and a mental breakdown where i could go out the house for 2 weeks.

Wen i finally realised his selfish and evil ways after 6 years and constant fighting- oh he would never let me go, but wouldnt commit either in any way. After my rejection and me devalueing him in the end – he went and got married to his moms choice. I do believe a part of this was to get revenge on me as i would always succumb to him in the past out of fear he would marry his moms choice. I didnt react, although it killed me inside. Right upto the wedding and after he continued to call me with private number and anonymous numbers. I didnt react nor did i answer although it was painful.

Im still working thru the abuse i went through, annd im now in a healthy relationship which is a slow process due to my past. But ny new partner is a very understanding person.

These narcs are nothing but pure evil who will use anyone to meet their needs to look good. As soon as the use is over they chew u out as if you were nothing and move onto the next person who will satisfy their needs, and make them look good.
They have no conscious or a bone of decency within. Purely cold blooded and self centred.

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anna October 19, 2016

Its an old post but if anybody could point me in the right direction, I would really appreciate it. My story is short: I kicked my N out of my life 1.5 years ago after 4.5 years of misery. I am now in a happy and healthy relationship with a wonderful man.
So there shoudn’t be a reason to have any issues. BUT: I miss the sex with the N, my partner is great but my feelings in the bedroom are far less intense. I understand that its my mind’s addiction to the tension and all that the N subjected me to. But how do I get rid of this feeling?
Also and more importantly; the N had another girlfriend during the entire time he was with me. When I finally caught him red handed, I finally left him for good- he stalked me for a few months and when I kept denying him he went back to her. She knows everything as I have had email conversations with her. She still took him back and now, a year later, is now having his baby.
Of course he is pretending he finally choose the “right thing” and is going to be a happy father etc. We also live in a small town so I hear things and run into him (we ignore each other).
I know its all false and that he cheats and lies to her as he has always done and for a reason which is completely beyond me: she accepts everything he does and will now even subject her own child to his abuse.
I shouldnt care, I do feel happy Im not the one having his baby and I was able to escape without any ties. However, Im still infuriated that he is having a baby with her now ( I really wanted kids but aborted his after everything went down, would he go so far to have this baby with her to spite me? I wouldn’t be surprised, how sick!). And im mostly so disgusted with her that she put herself and her child in this situation. I know its silly as its none of my business. Rationally, I dont care and good riddance. But emotionally, Im still hurt and I still think about this. I try and meditate and occupy myself. I have a wonderful life now. Why is this still difficult and will it ever end?
I did already read yours and many other books, so I am well informed. But this “residue” as its called; Im so over it, I just want it to be done and out of my head. Nothing I do seems to accomplish this!

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m November 20, 2015

N/C with the NARC….. pain emotions using discarding its time to let go…
thy will always do the same move move
supply supply!!
always ABT them!!!!!!
use this site to relate, but for healing…
we feel, they DONT….
you’re on your own path own time frame
no social media! its a mirage, fake. believe me!!!!
it does get better you do get stronger day by day….
love yourself!!!!
I know EVRY feeling EVRYBODY has had 7yrs I wasted time energy $ etc…..
its them not You…….
youre ok. being single its ok. working thru issues its ok.
were all wonderful people!!! love is waiting for us all, wre wiser now…
NARCS dont change. NARCS only purpose is themselves, period.
Remember THYRE not happy. Just the same cycle over&over…
strength peace new you!!!!!
🙂

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Melinda June 29, 2015

Wow…this is powerful, Kim. All of this really hits home with me.

I grew up in a very bad situation. My father wasn’t around and my mother was constantly looking for a “replacement”.
She has always had questionable relationships with men. My stepfather was unspeakably cruel to me for many years, while my mother allowed it.
So when I fell in love with my ex at a young age, I was looking for somebody to love me in return.
Unfortunately he could tell that I was deeply damaged and insecure and he took advantage of that.

After several years of our toxic relationship, we finally broke up. He started the relationship with his current girlfriend (now “baby mama”) in 2009. She would post all these pictures of them together and it drove me crazy.
She would write about how lucky she was, etc. I will admit that I would look at the photos obsessively trying to figure out what the hell he saw in her and why he was treating her so well compared to how he treated me.
I would remember all the hurtful ways he and his family and friends had put me down…the racist comments, the name-calling, the verbal abuse calling me ugly and stupid.
And I would feel intensely angry because when I looked at this woman’s picture, I knew (despite my low self-esteem) that I was prettier than she was. I knew I wasn’t stupid despite mistakes I’d made in my life. I knew that I didn’t deserve all the crap that had been thrown at me by him, by my stepfather, by everyone who had hurt me.

I allowed myself to feel the anger when I was alone. I would sit looking at their pictures online and curse them out loud, calling them vile names…they couldn’t hear me or see me but it made me feel better to vent.
I did the same when I thought about my stepfather.

After I learned about his new lady having their daughter in 2012, I cried for days…he was still trying to hurt me even after our relationship was over. My feelings might have seemed irrational but they were real.
But now I see that my “replacement” isn’t better than me, nor is she more worthy of love although that is what he wanted me to believe. She is simply an impressionable person like I used to be and maybe she is even worse off in some ways because there is no way she can leave him now…they have a child together AND he (my ex) has cancer.

No offense to any men here, but I will speak to what Kim said about how many of us women receive damaging messages about ourselves from childhood on up.
We are often told that we will never live up to certain standards of beauty or be what a woman “should” be. I think this is why when a man hurts us so deeply and then moves on to somebody new, it leaves scars. We wonder if maybe we aren’t pretty enough or smart enough or sexy enough. We believe the lies our abuser tells us about ourselves, in conjunction with the lies we might have been told in childhood.
We compare ourselves to the new supply in his life and try to see what she has that we don’t, what makes her more worthy of love. The N is aware of this, ladies, and this is part of his twisted game. If he can shatter your self-esteem and move on, he rarely feels remorse…and he will sometimes throw his new supply in your face, even recruiting her in his scheme to hurt you more.

I have little doubt that my ex was trying to goad me into a showdown with her, secretly hoping that I would fight over him. He wanted me to feel worse about myself and compare myself with her.
To anyone struggling with these feelings, I say, don’t give in. Don’t play the comparison game or blame yourself.
After all, he once treated you well, didn’t he? So it is only a matter of time before she will see him for what he really is. In my case, I’ve decided to work on self-improvement for my own benefit. I want to get a good job and I’m trying to shed all the “depression” weight I’ve gained in the last few years. I try to meditate and remind myself that I’m beautiful inside and out, no matter what anyone says.
The new partner (and the ex) aren’t worth your time or energy; I promise that their relationship will have its problems at some point. Things aren’t as wonderful as they seem to be. You will get through this somehow.

Reply
    Iamlove August 16, 2015

    Love you… this was heartfelt

    Reply
    Tonja December 14, 2015

    Melinda I know this is an old post but I wanted to tell you what you wrote here really resonated with me. My ex Narc dumped me about 6 weeks ago because I just wouldn’t play his game anymore and he couldn’t maintain me without me being a threat to his new supply he had been love bombing for months before I finally knew for sure. A couple of weeks ago she started posting pictures of them together on FB and made it FB official. I have been just SURE that this guy recruited his new supply to do this deliberately to hurt me (without her knowing I’m sure, she just thinks he’s taking their relationship to the next level, as he had previously refused to take pictures with her). He WANTS me to see how “happy” they are together and how completely I’ve been discarded. When it first happened I went into a panic attack as in about a year long relationship there were never any pictures of us together and I always felt he was hiding me. I just felt sick deep down in my stomach. Never met friends of family of his but they are friending her like crazy on FB and he’s showing her off. It hurt so much because it made me feel so unattractive and unworthy and he is doing exactly what I accused him of, giving this woman all the things he promised to give me but didn’t. I’m smart, but he knows just how to get to me even though we aren’t even speaking. It really is a twisted game and I know that he’ll do the same to her but it made me hurt in ways I didn’t think were possible:( it helps a little just to get it out I guess.

    Reply
    Kim Saeed December 14, 2015

    Hi Melinda,

    I have just come across your comment after another reader left a response to it. I am sorry I didn’t see what you’d written until now.

    I truly hope by now that you are further along in healing from this relationship. You seem like a strong woman and I am very glad that you were able to recognize your good traits in spite of what happened to you.

    You are absolutely correct in saying that the Exes and their new partners are not worth our time. The whole life they live is a charade, although, as you mentioned, she may have been in for a very unpleasant surprise once learning what her husband is. But, the only thing we can do is wish her well because that’s her path to walk, just as you and I did.

    Not that anyone deserves abuse, not at all! What I mean is that these events often drive us so low that the only way to recover from them is to completely transform, and that includes learning to love ourselves, rid our minds of false and limiting beliefs about ourselves, and set healthy boundaries going forward.

    Wishing you all the very best and hope you are living a magnificent life <3

    Kim

    Reply
Leiza June 8, 2015

I dated a sociopath after divorcing a narcissist. They are far worse, but since I learned so much with the narc, I dumped my socio when I started seeing things weren’t moving forward in the relationship, he was all talk and he started showing signs of a real dark, dark side. Out of the blue, I simply told him we weren’t a good match and went NC. The monthly flowers, calls from other ppl’s phones, emails from made up accts never ceased, calls from HIS ex-girlfriends telling me how much he has changed and that I should reconsider, long emails saying he changed his ways – IN 12 WEEKS! As he put it, “It took me 12 whole weeks to change who I am!” Asinine! Ha! I remained no contact and it TORTURED him. He never got to fully devalue me. Please tell me this bothered him somewhat….

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patch416 January 25, 2015

Thank u so much for all of this kim u wouldnt believe how much your blogs have kept me going and seem to always come at the right times ! ……im six months in to no contact ….changed phone numbers deleted all social media sites even gonna move ….. what a harsh and heartbreaking reality . Nearly 3 yrs I was with my narcissistic ex and I think its fair to say he has broken me my heart and soul ….. iv been tryin to heal both spiritually, mentally and emotionally …. starting to do things I lost during the time I was with him like decorate my apartment spend more time with my family and friends though I love what I fo dearly I still feel this empty void …..people have commented how he was moulding me into something that I was not …… how they could see him break me …..how he controlled my thoughts even my feelins to in the end I dont know how I felt and only know now that I lived in a world of chaos of drama of bitterness and anger …… I think the smear campaign was the worse and still is as its still goin on ……. even on xmas day I heard hiw he put all over a social media site how he has come out on top he always wins how the person who crossed him ( me ) is a loser and a bum …. and that he is still laughing …. I know people say I shouldnt listen to it and ignore it though I have never reacted to anything he has said in the last six months it still hurts me to the core . You see I found him out before he could discard me for the 100th time ! I finally saw the signs and I left him though I didnt know he was already grooming someone else someone I knw ! I told him although I loved him I didnt trust him and could never firgive for the past 3 yrs …… thats when the devil was unleashed and oh boy did he unleash him ! ….. he stood in my face and told me how he was inly keepin me sweet , how we were over for weeks and his last words were ” dont worry I wont want u bk this time ! “……I kept it together and told him thanks for letting me know and il see u in 6 months to a yrs time ! Shut the door on ur way out ! ……. that was six months ago ……. then two days ago I drove straight past his new supply and him she just looked ahead laughing…..he on the other hand stared at me I mean really stared at me to the point that it was chilling unemotional even I cant explain it but it freaked me out abit …… I dont really have a question just wanted to get that off my chest ……. but that stare haunts me …….does this mean this will continue ?? ……has anybody else ever witnessed their exs stare at them so chillingly ??? …… is there a meaning behind it ??? ……. any words of support or encouragement would be appreciated …….thank u

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    Kim Saeed March 16, 2015

    patch416, yes…the soulless, almost “death” stare has been mentioned in many an article by victims of narcissistic abuse. There could be different meanings for each Narcissist’s use of it, but the core of it goes down to their seething resentment of anyone who sees them for who they really are. They cannot tolerate losing control of a source of supply.

    Reply
Ariel January 11, 2015

This question is going through my mind every day. I still keep believing she is a nicer person than me… Now he makes portraits of her and doing nice things, while he doesn’t even see his own daughter or pay child support. While I always begged him to do something nice with me… It is very painful. He is busy with the new kids from her and I keep wondering why is everything so perfect with them. Should I have been more positive? To me he is the meanest person ever but about her everything seems to be great… I keep wondering am I such a mean person? He is together with her for 1 year now, shouldn’t this already haven’t go wrong?

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Celine November 27, 2014

He actually said that we were meant to meet in order to teach each other some lessons, but then said that “Fate” brought him “everything [he] need[s]” in the new woman. Then he bragged about their new house. Nice.

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2014

    He’s right about one thing…he was sent to you in order to teach you your soul’s lessons. The curious part is that these lessons involve pain and healing the wounds you’ve been carrying around since before you even met him. Don’t let him destroy you further. Block him and stop engaging…

    Reply
Celine November 27, 2014

We were engaged. I was wearing his ring. After 3.5 years, he was still telling me I was his best friend and the love of his life. I thought we really had something special. He became distant and I discovered he was with another woman. It has almost been a year. I have to run into him almost daily. Why, when he is the one who left with no explanation, does he have to keep telling me how happy he is with the woman he left me for? He looks awful. He has lost so much weight, I’m wondering if he’s on drugs. I’ve heard the woman is an alcoholic. He used to mock me that I wasn’t good in the kitchen. I’ve joked that maybe she can’t cook either, based on his appearance! Every time he sees me, he makes comments. Each time he begins a sentence with “I,” he then says, “I mean WE,” just to reiterate that he’s still with her. It sucks. I understand that feelings change and hearts change. I don’t understand the cowardice of not explaining oneself and then deciding that bullying is the answer.

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2014

    Celine, I know it’s painful. In spite of how very difficult it is, you must find a way to disengage with him because he will only keep triggering and wounding you. We can’t understand the cowardice because they don’t share the same sentiments as we do, and so trying to analyze the situation only leads to more confusion and pain. It’s best to find a way to accept that he isn’t who you thought he was and then begin the road of healing and recovery.

    Reply
      Anonymous November 20, 2015

      I read all these blogs&respones when I have a baad day or weak moment…
      I DONT care what you’re age looks body type etc….
      NARCS go for Anybody with their need of supply for the moment, the moment.
      they DONT change! THYRE not players THYRE users….
      ATTN seeking insecure ego hollow
      thy seek ATTN FRM anybody…. anybody……
      the new supply it ISNT ISNT love believe me, evn if thy do stay longer stupid enuf to marry them? true colors always always come out!
      no way can you bop FRM relationship to relationship an b successful, same same, pattern…
      Zero growth, thy just kp moving along!!!
      work on you!!! day by day, you just you!!!
      it will come BK around!!!
      N/!!!!!!!!!! C thy discarded us!!!!
      leave them be, its a ‘mirage’ thy portray!!!!!!!!!!
      stay strong!!!!!!! thyll always b a thorn in our side to a certain degree, learn
      FRM this
      youre re-inventing yourself
      I understand, NARCS are pond scum
      ‘)

      Reply
Celine November 27, 2014

And cognitive dissonance sucks. No, really. Thanksgiving has been painful. He and I had some fun ones. Now he lives with a woman who looks like an escort, and I’m left with memories, both of fun times and of horribly confusing times. I don’t ever want to relive the horribly confusing times, but I miss the fun times beyond belief, and I’m picturing him all loved up with that woman. Because he’s bragged about their happiness, it’s hard to picture the mask slipping. I’m so disgusted, I can’t imagine loving or trusting again. I feel damaged and I resent it. I was so patient with him and gave and gave. I’m not someone who keeps score, but if I think about it, I ended up with zero.

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2014

    Celine,

    I posted an article a few days ago about Melanie T Evans’ free webinar on healing from Narcissistic abuse. Keep checking back and sign up for her next one, which will be in early December.

    What this guy is doing involves all the classic sign of Narcissistic abuse. What he’s done to you he will eventually do to the other woman, as well. I know that doesn’t bring any relief to you right now, but it’s the truth.

    Reply
      Celine November 28, 2014

      Thank you, Kim! I agree with everything you’ve said, and I love reading your posts. They’ve really inspired me these past months. I’m doing my best to detach but still find myself horrified by the whole thing. I had allowed him to become my biggest support system in a new city and even till the end, he was love bombing much of the time. He’s significantly younger than I am and I kept thinking he just had some immaturities and would grow up . . . . After all of these months, I’m still in utter disbelief that he could lie like this and that it was all a sham. Just as others have said, I’m mortified that I invested with this type of person. He has no humanity.

      Reply
dear john narron October 15, 2014

[…] Deciphering the Lies […]

Reply
Anonymous October 15, 2014

“Heal your inner child” — come to Myrtle Beach w/me for T’day weekend and beyond

Reply
kimberlyharding October 14, 2014

I love the idea of reframing one’s beliefs based on reality- not others distorted, controlled perceptions of us…

Reply
Persia Karema October 14, 2014

Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
“…it’s important to remember that the new partner is being love-bombed by the Narcissist, otherwise she wouldn’t willingly enter into a relationship with them.” ~ Kim Saeed at Let Me Reach

Reply
idiotwriter October 14, 2014

‘Moreover, you should acknowledge you are enough…just the way you are. But, you have to believe it.’
That just nailed the coffin shut my dear 😀
It can creep back in so easily though… constantly have to check our thoughts and our REALITY. DO they really match?
Love this post (as always) 😉

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1smiles October 13, 2014

If we hadn’t been ‘good enough’ he never would have targeted us in the first place.

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    Kim Saeed October 13, 2014

    Precisely 🙂

    Reply
Lostlola October 13, 2014

This article came right on time. I found out that my soon to be ex husband uses love bombing to engage formerly heavy, borderline obese, broke and unattractive women. He always said I was the most attractive woman he had been with and I have to agree. I used to think that he would love other woman more than me but since joining this site about a month ago I know his tricks. We have one child together so I have to communicate with him. Even though I’m cordial he is so rude to me. I figured out he’s rude when he’s love bombing someone else and can’t be rude to them. He lives a sad life because since I’ve known him he’s always mad at someone, as he his friends and family are either on a pedestal or the devil in his sick mind. When he feels I’m over him he love bombs me and tries to get back with me. So by these noticeable patterns, I’ve realized that no matter whom he is, he’ll never love them because they aren’t considered people by him. He is crazy and unstable.

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    Melinda June 29, 2015

    @Lostlola…my ex love-bombed his current girlfriend too, and she was so thrilled to have somebody pay attention to her.
    Bless her heart.

    I wouldn’t say she is ugly because that seems a bit mean, but she definitely isn’t pretty.
    I was shocked when I saw pictures of her because she is twice my size with bad teeth, no neck, and an oddly shaped skull. And I’m not skinny anymore myself…I’ve gained weight over the years; I’m hardly a bombshell these days.
    But my ex and his family used to criticize my looks constantly in a very hurtful way, then he picked up with her and let’s just say, he obviously aimed for somebody less attractive who would be more willing to put up with him after I saw the light and went no contact.

    Sometimes I look back at my relationship with him and wonder what the hell I was doing.
    I was young, I was pretty, I could have done so much better…but sadly I came from an abusive environment where I was groomed for that sort of treatment. Now I’m chubby with a few lines on my face and damaged hair, but that is what involvement with a narcissist (or several) can do to a person…I’m trying to find a way back to being me again and I wish the same for all of you.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed June 29, 2015

      Melinda, I am sorry for your experience, and I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself regarding your appearance. Beauty is a state of mind. There are people out there who may look “good” on the outside, but are absolute monsters. I hear about them every day from my clients. Have you received any therapy regarding your past?

      Reply
      Melinda July 2, 2015

      Hi, Kim…unfortunately I haven’t been able to find a therapist who is willing to work with me on specific issues.
      The last “therapist” I saw was in 2010 or 2011 and she was very unprofessional, not helpful at all.

      I’ve been told that beauty comes from within and while I believe it, I’ve had many painful experiences as a biracial woman…racism, sexual/verbal/emotional abuse, abandonment, lack of friendships and family support, just some really hurtful things.
      I try to count my blessings in life but it is very difficult sometimes.

      And then when you factor in what my ex (and some other men) put me through, that adds to it.
      They were attracted to me because they perceived me as “exotic”. I had the light skin, the long hair, the ambiguous looks that made people often see me as Latina or something else…but at the end of the day, they didn’t care about me.
      All that mattered was how I looked and if they could show me off (these were dark-skinned Black men, by the way). They were critical of my looks to the point of obsession; some of them secretly preferred white women anyway, and they were taking their self-hatred out on me because I was close enough to “pass”, but still not white enough.

      Reply
    Anonymous August 11, 2015

    Oh my, thats exactly the description of mine’s women. How creapy they don’t know each other and still be so alike!

    Reply
18mitzvot October 13, 2014

When the narcissist first left me, I was so frightened that he would find happiness with someone else. Eighteen months later, I understand that he is incapable of finding happiness with anyone, no matter how well he fakes it. All of his affections are false.

Reply
    Anonymous October 14, 2014

    And always remember that he will always need new supply when he becomes bored with someone who really has fallen in love with him. He will never be able to be normal
    Or happy.

    Reply
      18mitzvot October 20, 2014

      It’s a hard lesson to learn, but it is true.

      Reply
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