Love Bombing vs Stalking – What’s the Difference?

No more stalking or love bombing from the evil narc. We are done. We are separated by 1,200 miles thank GOD. Just focusing on healing recovery and moving on. Thanks Kim for this avenue. It has been helpful. It is a very lonely, hard road but worth it. Freedom from crazy, lazy, lying, deceitful wolf is good.

Out of a 12 year narc relationship and I’m a mess. I Unfriended on FB to help stop obsessing. But it didn’t help. I’m looking to buy a new house and I keep thinking “what if”. What if I would have tried harder, what if it was me? We’ve been apart since February. Hard to let go especially cuz he found a new narc supply. Just sad alot

As someone who has a Cluster B disorder, it’s really difficult to heal and move forward when I read about behaviors I myself have done and not with intent to terrorize the other person. I’ve done what I do to terrorize myself because that’s what I think I deserve since I’m consistently rejected. I’ve also done these things trying to force myself to stop caring about the other person and to show myself that they’ve moved on and don’t need me. I’d have never done these things if I thought I was terrorizing the other person and in fact, the other person wasn’t even aware of it. Not that it makes it right. I feel so bad for all of it and for the most recent person who did feel threatened. I did what I did because I was being hurt by him and started to retaliate but stopped myself because it wasn’t right. All because I was hurt and him not accepting responsibility for his part. So while he gets to move on and enjoy his new job and gf moving in, I’m left picking up the pieces of my life that were shattered because I can’t ever good enough and because I can’t handle being rejected repeatedly. And people wonder why borderlines are suicidal. It’s not for attention, I can assure you. It’s because we’re screwed up, we know we’re screwed up, we feel terrible about it and trying to change doesn’t change anything. We come to the conclusion that the people we know are better off without us creating more problems for them and we can’t deal with the problems we’ve created for ourselves. So the next time you hate someone with Borderline Personality Disorder, remember that you’re dealing with someone who hates themselves much more than you ever could so the bottom line is save your hate for someone who isn’t going to fall apart because of it.

I was in a 7 year relationship with I believe was a borderline and severe narcissist
The relationship was very chaotic very abusive especially psychologically.
This part is hard to explain because so much happened in 7 years. Many times he love bombed hoovered when I broke up. High manipulation we got back together. Also someone mentioned in an earlier statement their narc said “something is just not right” he said that exact statement several times. The cheating lieing gaslighting triangulation etc was through the roof.
So this is what I have come to understand
He triangulated me with the neighbor the real devaluation started and the cruel destruction of me began. The reason he finally was done because he had another that was secure.
He left a year and a half ago moved a mile away with her. That break up was hell. I never experienced anything like this.
He further tried to do little hovering and stalking. But he was done with me and he could not pretend anymore. I did not want him around my anxiety was through the roof. Although during the early periods I still wanted him and loved him. Yes trauma bonding is real and so destructive.
Really now I can truly see it for what it was.
These people don’t want a real loving relationship period!! They don’t want you period!! No one with an ounce of love would play with your emotions and want to see your destruction.
It is ALL about them. What they can get and sometimes for the pure joy of destroying someone. They are filled with hate period.
It has taken me a year and a half to overcome this complete psychological warfare.
Really knowing in your heart they don’t want you and don’t love you You can start moving forward.
The severe psychological warfare that took time. I had some PTSD for awhile.
But you have to see these people for what they are.
You will and you can and move on from these horrible people

I did all of these things but it was never to hurt a person’s feelings.

I am SO glad I found this site.

My situation may not be all with my ex husband but I believe it was used in my family especially from my big brother who is cruel and violent and collects lots of guns and teaches his seven year old twin grandchildren to shoot them.

I adored him in high school. He was dropping acid and smoking a lot of weed so of course I did a little of that, after all if big brother is doing it, it must be good. I am the only one among four siblings who has not gone through a time of drug addiction. Some kind of grace saved. I have several times instituted no contact with him. Once was for ten years. Now I am back living near him and most of what I get from him is criticism. He does not approve of me or how I live.

Another kind of love bombing I have been sucked into is in a cult called Alaya, started by a man and a woman who were followers of Rashish (can’t rmember his name; he is dead but still has many followers. Their huge compound in I think it was Idaho or Montana was eventually ended and his Indian assistant caught with bags of money I think.

I never went to the “ranch” but the two followers offered unlicensed psychotherapy in Nashville, TN and Boulder, CO. They were very charismatic. Each group meeting began with ecstatic dancing.

I learned a lot from them about mysticism which I like (and may make be prone to narcissists) but after 11 years with them, two of which were “training” to be a therapist, they flunked me, saying if I were to go on I would get sick.

I can’t even describe how devastating this was for me. I had hoped for a career but never have been able to do anything much to support myself.

A book that really helped me is the Guru Papers, which is written in dialectic (meaning paradoxically emerges a solution to the topic it is discussing). They explain in that book how the guru keeps you hooked and then keeps you hooked. All the time of course, you are paying money for his “wisdom”. The guru keeps you hooked by telling you you are not enlightened and he is and is and only by following him will you get to enlightenment and of course, you never do. He remains the authority and is always more “enlightened” than you. Guru Papers is a fascinating read if you have been gaslighted by a guru or other authority figure.

I feel I am not describing this all well enough but I think the gaslighting I got from the males in my family, set me up well for falling in love especially with the gurus.

Since I have used the term gaslighting, which is now used in psychology, I will post Wikipedia on the term. It just seems easier than anything else to me.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting All in all, they taught me that I am 1. crazy and 2. inadequate. It has taken me over ten years to accept what happened. I had good lawyer who said I had a good case and that it would be very empowering for me to sue them and win. But she wanted 5k up front and I did not have that kind of money.

So here I am at 65, still falling for the charmers. So glad to have found a place that helps me understand my addiction.

My narc – a former co-worker for 8 years – came on to me after dinner 3 weeks after my wife of 30 years died. She told me that she didn’t want a relationship only sex, but that soon changed after a trip we made soon after. The love bombing was intense. I cutesy card telling me that she knew this was real and that I was the one, etc. Everything was happening at lightening speed and within weeks we were engaged. After that her attitude changed. She became moody, distant, constantly telling me that “something wasn’t right”. The ups and downs were dizziing. Before she moved in she moved like a tornado, throwing out my wife’s things. One big mistake was that I offered her my wife’s jewelry. I know now that was bad move. One thing, my wife and I both had cancer and I caretook for her the last 14 years of her life. She wanted me to move on so most of my motivation was trying to do just that. Anyway she moved in, lived with me for 5 months after I lost my job. I went through savings trying to keep things up and kept the bills paid. She never offerered – in spite of having a well paying job – to help in anyway. After moving out she told me that she had sold my wife’s jewelry to pay for the move, all of it. Soon after that she manufactured an exit only to hoover and return a month later. She suckered me back into a relationship claiming she’d get help, but that never happened. Then after a horrific Dec and Jan, where she would disapere and hide where she was going and more, who she was with, I called it quits and went NC. She left a note in my mailbox blaming me for the breakup – of course, but I remain NC to this day.

Now I’m going to therapy to not only grieve the loss of my wife but to clear my mind of the gawd awful mind games she employed. I’m also financially ruined as well, but trying to get back on my feet Thanks for your site, it’s helped me immensly in helping me to heal. Keep up the good work.

I can totally relate to the love bombing. Plus she was very keen on being exclusive. That is to say my being exclusive. She was evasive about her own activities – just indignant that I would even ask for the same as what she demanded of me.
When she devalued me though and ultimately dumped me, I didn’t know what to do. I feel like a stalker simy because I cannot get her out of my head

Is there a formal definition for hoovering? I have never heard this word before. I think I understand concept but would welcome a definition.

Thank you,

KM Christensen

P.S. Love your blog…helps me get thought the difficult days of No Contact.

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As I posted previously regarding Valentines Day I stated in the beginning red flags I dismissed when I shouldn’t have. But the “love bombing” was intense! Yes I thought , wow this is my soul mate. Was I ever so wrong & initially when a situation happened such as he said he loved me like after a month of dating my gut told me ” that’s weird” but I dismissed it. Yes, we had everything in common, same beliefs everything was “too good to be true”. Such lessons I’ve learned in 11+ yrs. low & behold fast forward to divorce 1/2014 & the whole yr of stalking & harrassment. I can recall just in this past December in one day alone I had 56 missed calls from him ALL from different numbers & I had to block each one until I changed my #. I’ve been threatened. Even back in 2011 I found a tracking device in my car in the pocket of the passenger seat. I knew then I had to get out & it took me yrs to do that & the entire yr of 2014 of hell. Yes my whole world has changed. My situation really is more of the extreme narc. He was extremely addicted to prescription pain pills for yrs & the list goes on. You really do start to think your crazy until finally one day it just clicks. Your not! I didn’t walk away , I RAN! It’s been tough but staying was NOT a option. He was slowly destroying me to nothing.

This is exactly what happened to me. 5 months of being the love of her life, she would die without me, wanted to marry me, asked me to move in. Then within minutes it seemed one morning she out of no where said she was stressed and couldn’t handle a relationship. I lost my mind, she hooked up with someone she had dated before me. Moved her in that week. Never gave me an answer other than she was just not a good person and that she was sorry. She pursued me after hurting me previously, told me she was sorry and that she had made a mistake. I made the mistake of believing her. She said all the right things, that she was going to therapy to understand what was in her that caused her to hurt me so in the past. I had no idea of what I was really dealing with at the time. She played on my emotions, gave horrible stories of her childhood and not having a family. Has a debilitating illness which could leave her in a wheelchair and used that as “you might abandon me.” Which I never would have.
She’s now with a woman who is an ex con, who actually contacted me and wanted to know the extent of our relationship. My N told her that nothing ever happened between us, that her therapist had told her to reach out to the people in her past that she had hurt and that’s all she was doing with me.
I’ve never had anything like this happen to me and I’m in therapy now trying to get past it. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Interesting, but did you know that nearly 90% of jilted lovers are spying on their ex on social media sites? It would appear that the door swings both ways. Seems like for a time at least, most of creep an exe’s social media. Probably not our finest hour in being curious about an exe’s activities! But it seems to be a bad habit most of us eventually choose to forego as our wounds heal. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2182430/Facebook-creepers-Nearly-90-jilted-lovers-spying-ex-social-media-site.html

Ok I have what I hope is a legitimate question. When the narc drops you off the cliff and disappears without warning, all of a sudden not answering the phone or texts, and has virtually dropped off the planet, and the victim checks Facebook, drives by their house, looks at their mail and any and all other things available, wouldn’t that be considered stalking as well? I drove by, texted and called several days when my narc abruptly dumped me for his new supply. Just wondering. Thanks.