Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It’s not just the Silent Treatment!)

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Dec 12
Silent Treatment

The early days with a Narcissist can seem like the most exhilarating time of one’s life. They can be very charming, flattering, and come across as soul-mate material.  Love letters, poems, candle-lit dinners, dreamy getaways, and insane chemistry can leave even the most composed person weak in the knees and dreaming of a fantastical future.

Everything seems like a fairy tale, when—poof!–the narcissist vanishes.  This disappearing act can last anywhere from a few hours, a few days, to a few weeks or more.  In the beginning of the relationship, these disappearances might come after a lover’s quarrel, but in other cases they happen for no apparent reason.  When questioned, the Narcissist may chalk it up to their phone being out of service or an emergency that had to be tended to.

Over time, the Narcissist disappears more and more, blaming you and your “intolerable insecurities, dreadful attitude, and lack of appreciation for them and the relationship”.  It becomes increasingly clear that the disappearing acts (a.k.a. Silent Treatments) are designed to punish you.

When you mention your desire that the two of you solve your problems in a more civilized manner, you’re pulled into unending circular conversations in which the Narcissist plays the victim and has you apologizing even when you’ve done no wrong!  Unbeknownst to you, these fights are often fabricated so the Narcissist can subsequently implement the Silent Treatment.

You come to accept these frequent silences as a “normal” part of the relationship–though they set you into panic mode whenever they occur.  Sometimes you resolve to give the Narcissist a taste of his own medicine—ignoring his text and email tsunamis when he tries to come back around–while other times you feel you might die if you don’t hear from him.

While all of this chaos is happening, you are so busy wondering why the Narcissist is always unhappy that you may be missing a very important part of the big picture — a picture that includes a lot more than your crazy relationship dynamics.

Silent Treatments and Secret Agendas

You see, while you believe you’re in love and trying to work it out, tolerating the narcissist’s moodiness and his “need to be alone”, he is generally in one stage or another of relationship with other people.  You may not even be aware of these other individuals since Narcissists are adept at hiding their double lives, sometimes for decades.

A few indicators that these clandestine affairs are taking place include your partner putting his cell phone on lock-down, his getting mysterious texts and emails at all hours of the day and night, or his spending time with you 24/7 for several days and then vanishing for indeterminate periods of time.  Additionally, he may refuse to update his Facebook status to “in a relationship” and forbid you from posting any pictures, or only doing these things begrudgingly if you threaten to leave.

Another warning that your partner has another life (or lives) going on behind your back is his bringing up an Ex who is obsessed with him and/or how they broke up right before you met and this Ex doesn’t want to let him go.  He may go as far as to say she’s depressed or suicidal and he has to let her down gently.  He just needs more time and he can finally get rid of her.

What’s really going on is that the Narcissist won’t let her go completely.

Even if the Narcissist was the one to end the relationship, he will keep most, preferably all, of his Exes in the queue.  Even more disturbing is that those “glorious” times when he spends ten-day stretches with you is the time he is giving the silent treatment to his Ex; and when he subsequently disappears from your life, he’s gone to hoover her.

The Narcissist could well be dubbed The Constant Gardner because he is perpetually trolling for new targets, even though he always has a main source of supply.  Furthermore, he is continuously ending relationships for various reasons, especially with those who require a lot of “maintenance” (i.e. normal human interactions) or have stopped giving him money or sex.

However, Narcissists typically don’t let go of their Exes completely.  They’ve been known to contact old flames out of the blue, sometimes as long as ten years post-breakup!

If your partner is playing these juvenile love games (e.g. disappearing, hiding his cell phone, accusing you of being overly jealous, ad vomitum), then there is a very good chance that he is tending his Garden of Supply.  But, you can turn the situation around by pulling the weed that is your narcissistic partner and planting your own seeds of hope for a better future.

Copyright 2016 Let Me Reach and Kim Saeed

Learn how to go No Contact and pull your own Silent Treatment on the Narcissist!

**Please note:  No gender bias was intended in the creation of this article.  The pronoun “he” was used for ease of reading.

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(69) comments

Anonymous March 24, 2017

Hey, how to say that sometimes the silent treatment from a Narcissit is because of their unexposed homosexuality, even to themselves. That their own denial enrages them.

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    Kim Saeed May 29, 2017

    Hi Anon…this is actually quite common. Many narcissists are closeted gays and use this to further devalue their partners and make them feel undesirable.

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Crooked November 15, 2016

This article is based on assumptions. I’m sure there are people who simply deal with things different opposed to they are a narcissist. There are times when one party of a desperate couple seeking answers to why the two are so different. May find this article and believe their answer is that their spouse is a narcissist.

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    Kim Saeed November 17, 2016

    Hi Crooked, the article assumes that the relationship is already dysfunctional and one partner meets many of the criteria of having narcissistic traits. Anyone who finds my site already knows something isn’t right in their relationship. No one would find this article unless they do a Google search with “narcissists” and “disappear” in their query.

    With that being said, silent treatments – where a person disappears for days or weeks on end – are not part of a healthy relationship, nor should disagreements be handled this way. That’s a sign that the person doing the disappearing is either emotionally unavailable or using the disappearing acts as a way to control their partner.

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      Crooked January 17, 2017

      Yes. I found this article by searching narcissist. If one is dealing get with a mentally ill individual, who reacts and acts on impulse and is aggressive toward their spouse. It is best, in my opinion, to leave until they reach out to you to come back. That’s how you know that their aggressisve behavior has departed.

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        Finally Free March 31, 2017

        “leave until they reach out to you to come back. That’s how you know that their aggressive behavior has departed.”

        That is the problem….their behavior NEVER departs. They hide it, yes, at times to get what they want. They are very clever manipulators who can prey on the smartest of people. So, while you think their bad behavior is gone….that is a temporary act to get their hook back in you.

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    tanya January 16, 2017

    This type of behavior is a Pattern and that is what this article so eloquently points out. Thos of us who have been in a relationship w a narcissist will understand exactly what this is. I’ve had enough relationships in my life to be able to compare a normal one with normal arguments and behaviors even leaving from time to time or not apeaking for a few hrs as to cool off. But a narcissist takes this to a whole other level….and it is pathological behavior and devestating to the partne

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Colette Ann October 29, 2016

Textbook. The SAME story over and over. My narc left me, kept me on a string and in the queue, while I waited and begged and promised to be good so she would come back, while of course she was with another girl before she even left me. This chick thought I was suicidal, crazy (and indeed, I was despondent at the suddenness of the break-up) and that she didn’t want to leave me without money or furniture (she never moved out, not really). When I finally found this site and figured out the truth, then I started to pull away. My ex-narc even managed to keep some of MY friends as hers. I 100% think she did it so she could “win” and she is using my former BFF as a “good reference” to the new victim. I can just feel the, “I am not that bad of a person, even my ex-gf’s BFF is friends with me…” Of course, I told my so-called BFF this and she didn’t listen. Before she left she did all the classic things, hiding phone, mysterious texts, working “late” (her job already was a late job, so it was easy to hide).

Sad thing, is NOW it is SO obvious to me, but at the time, I believed her words. She *said* she wasn’t dating, ‘trying’ to come home, etc..so I believed her. Nothing made sense, but she *said* XYZ…but of course nothing made sense because I was getting lies. I still feel foolish, but I will never be with someone like that ever, ever again!

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OceanDaisy October 6, 2016

I realize this NOW, but at the time it was the most confusing thing on the earth! And how textbook for them to act the same way! I was bombarded with attention and time and gifts and love for three straight months and then BOOM he was just GONE, all the freaking time. When he moved in he was coming home so late it was crazy! He always had a reason. The weird “disagreements” we’d get in confused the heck out of me. I had never EVER in my entire life met someone like him. When I realized the cheating I was already pregnant. The horrible things he said about me and how he was triangulating 3 women at one time with others on the side that had literally not one clue who he really was! I spent 12 ridiculous painful, abusive months after that, trying to figure out who the hell was sleeping next to me. Then he started sleeping over at other people’s houses. That was the end. I finally just started reading his text messages to prove to myself that I was with a monster. And boy did it prove it. When I gathered everything and filed a restraining order against him he went and married his ex girlfriend less than 3 weeks later. I was actually shocked. He’s abused her more and longer and more often than anyone. So, I kind of pity her and kind of don’t. If she’s still so clueless as to who he really is and is choosing this again when she knows so much? That’s all on her. He’s completely discarded me and our child. I think it’s better that way, honestly. I’ve been reading how horrible family court cases with NPD parents can be.

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    BBK October 13, 2016

    Your story is my story. I miss carried… but before. Did, it was his soon to ex wife’s birthday. Of corse he was just around the house for the high school age kids, sleeping on the couch. Lol
    On his wife’s actual birthday, he sent me money, a real help amount. I found it odd, but thought that he was showing me he’s committed to just the kids not her… family.
    I was so stressed in the 9 weeks of pregnancy, it was the first times he road the merry go round, and blindsighted me w his web of her low self esteem, and pill issue. I felt bad for her. It was just like you say.
    Our relationship continued for 1 1/2 years past that. He even moved away from her and the kids for 4 months and was love bombing me about our future constantly.
    His soon to. Be ex, I started refuting to as his wife, bc she is, called.. either playing really dumb, was told to call so he could go radio silent, studying me, or is the dumbest lowest self esteem co-dependent, self pitying women who has distroied her life that could possibly be. Their kids are their victims, she is his samisive, and I was his supply…..DISGUSTING!
    I’m so glad you got out! So glad your not self loathing!
    And F~#k him! Be a single mom. I have a young son he lived! Told all my family my son has a father, him! Gave him time, attention, and support… looking back those are the same unreal expectations of a father that would devistate my son, bc the NPD would vanish just when my son would start to think he’s coming back…..his bio dad stays away, bc he’s decent enough to know the long term damage. A NPD doesn’t care if the set their kids up in a fairy tail childhood, and let them merry a stray cat that will that them to hell on earth….
    be grateful for the baby! from what I’ve learned NPD is due to disowned child trauma. Which means your child is not his not subject to becoming like his bio dad. Building the bond I have with my son, that man, Daddy, is on my co contact forever list.
    The best of everything! Be well?

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    Sunray November 6, 2016

    Ocean Daisy, you are quite right when you say “it’s better that way”. An NPD hellbent on destroying you through your precious child/ren, is the most painful, destructive & chaotic experience you could ever go through. I too, had a lucky swerve, after about 3 solid years of family court hell…but in the end he hung himself with his own rope & after an incident of stalking & physical assault, we finally rid ourselves of this monster – thank God. I consider myself very lucky, as many are nowhere near as fortunate & share heartbreaking stories of even losing custody of their children to a hyped up, narcissistic rage filled demon, hellbent on ruining everything sacred & good in the target’s life without a shred of mercy or remorse. Very dangerous people…You’ve done well to be free of the madness. Love your baby & live your life well x

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daybyday August 30, 2016

Just 2 & 1/2 months after we were married, my [exH] went missing for 3 days. I was devastated, searched everywhere for him, with no success. Of course…he cheated on me!

I was young and naive, had no idea what was really going on. So I accepted his lame excuses/apologies and we stayed together. I was determined to keep him satisfied, make him happy, be “the best wife.”

And that set the stage for 20+ years of pathological lying and abuse.

He was always “missing.” Would sneak off on his own without saying a word — or deliberately argued with me, so he had a reason to “get away.” He guarded his precious phone with his life, never let me near it! That was the norm.

He eventually got into making money illegally. He came and went at all hours, stayed away for days at a time, took vacations without me [and our kids]. When I reacted negatively he raged at me, I was just a naggy bitch, little miss perfect, no fun, boring and old…

Everything he said and did was justified. I was afraid of him, yet scared to be without him.

He quit working for a living, his time was/is his own, he answers to no one. I couldn’t count on him for anything, he would just disappear. If he was home, he wanted to be left alone. He blatantly refused to look after our kids, always had places to be and things to do.

I became terrified of my own shadow, felt sure I was losing my mind. Didn’t know which way was up, had no idea where to turn or who to trust. Our entire relationship was nothing but secrets and lies.

Long story short, it’s been 9 years since I found the courage to break free of the monster I married. And our adult kids no longer speak to him or want anything to do with him.

To this day, I’m still struggling to come to terms with the aftermath.

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    AMY November 17, 2016

    How did you find the courage to leave?

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    Anonymous February 17, 2017

    This is awful. How did you survive. One strong woman!

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Kim August 23, 2016

I get a lot of the missing pieces from these great articles. It’s sad but just recently my N ex did this to his new supply and he came out to my house. Leaving her to wondering if he ever coming back. She kept asking when he was coming back. Each day she would ask. Funny he would delete a lot of stuff off his phone but he carefully kept certain texts from her for me to see. He wanted me jealous or to want him. It did just the opposite. Finally the second time he did this in two weeks I just couldn’t stand the thought of what he was doing to this sweet woman who obviously was into him. and even though I was well over him and he was just doing some maintence on the four ponds he built in my back yard ( instead of getting a job as promised in 2014-15) she didn’t know me and know that I needed someone to take him away. I wasn’t into him at all. It wasn’t even one complete day and I sent him home. I figured I’d learn the hard way if need be about keeping things going and fish and turtles alive. He would set stuff up so I’d need him to come over again and help me in the back yard or around my fixer upper house-& I caught on when I caught him loosening up my kitchen flooring so I couldn’t stand it and then need him to help in putting in new flooring. Anyway, that last time I just packed his shit up and told her he was coming back. He denied even communicating with her while texting me while he riding the train back up north. But I saw the call and text logs. He was always such liar. He told me that she was just like me. She didn’t want anything from him. She’s married too and now he is living at her house with her hubby there. This is same shit differnt supply. He says there’s nothing going on. Sure! I believe that! NOT!!!!! I know how he works it. I’m not dumb. History repeating itself. I’m glad he got a place to live. At 37 he should have his own place and not have to sponge off women. Oh another note.I remember about two years ago I saw a personal ad on Craigslist from a guy who wanted women to sneak over and have sex with him while his GF was home asleep. I replied to him and asked him how he could do such a thing. He said easy. He found it exciting. And I asked “you get a lot of women okay with this?” He said “tons.” That same night I ate dinner my N Made for us and couldn’t keep my eyes open and passed out til morning. He was up all night and the garage a huge mess next morning. I felt foggy all the next day. This happened every couple weeks. To this day I wonder if this was my N? He was always texting, wiping out stuff, acting weird. Always had to be in the backyard til all hours of the night. No one lived in house behind me or to the right of me either and well you can imagine that he could have had lots of people come by. He had his system down too. He was addicted to sex. Of course he was a huge love bomber at the beginning. A year of constant attention, devotion, promises of growing old together. The very next week after he said he wanted to grow old with me he had sex and an affair with his buddies wife. He lied to me about it even though I ksuspected it. I was seperated from my husband at the time. But his reason was cuz I was WISHY washy. That’s understandable when I was love bombed and then slowly the mask coming off. I was trying to understand it. Later more recent years He rarely spoke to me, intimacy was missing, sex routine and for me boring. Now when he did talk to me it was with attitude. He had to make excuses for his being constantly in the backyard . I’d find chairs and lounge chairs pulled off out of view from my window. If I wanted lighting in an area I’d buy a light that would get broken in two days. If I got cameras they too got broken or the wifi password changed so I couldn’t tune in from my phone while I was working to see what was going on. I remember once looking in to see what’s happening and there was a chair pulled to one side in my kitchen just out of view. It was an odd place to put a chair. But he managed to turn up the TV. Turn on the dishwasher snd clothes dryer and start another load of laundry. So I couldn’t hear anything either. He knew it pissed me off. I always knew he either fu_king with me or had someone over. My food would go quickly I got from grocery store. And cigarettes smoked while he was suppository sleeping. All adds up to games, lying and being sneaky which he craved like dope. So he is off with fresh new supply and I laughed when he said I was possessive and jealous.. He wishes. That’s the one thing he never got outta me was jealously. The possessive part I can say was just wanting to know who is in my house and when he went back up north he hung out with people who I hated and had stolen from me. So when I’m wondering where tools went YES I’m gonna be poking around looking to see what’s up. But of course he can only think how he thinks. And it was me being possessive n jealous. If that true don’t you think a woman would be up there right now fighting for her man??? I never once did that in 8 years. Last four years I’ve been praying someone he could cling on to would come along. Finally it did. I just had to get him outta my place first. Happy I did. Of course she is just like me. He needs to have them be just like me or just like how I was. Unsuspecting, forgiving, loving, caring, loyal, doesn’t give up, and fresh to all this that I know now like I’m a master at these games narcissist play. He would never be able to pull this off now with me. For that I’m thankful for the first hand lesson on. Fake people, love bombing, narcissist, players! I just wish I could have all the years wasted back and all the $$$$$ and friendships lost because of it.

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Nikki August 18, 2016

I’ve been reading a lot of articles on narcissists just recently. This one has resonated the most with me. My NX (narcissistic ex) towards the end of our relationship wanted time to himself – two weekends in a row, wouldn’t even spare an hour. He’s now with someone else and spending considerable amounts of time with her – wont admit they are together, though I know they are. Sad thing is that I know that she’ll be treated the same way too. Positive side … I’ve learned loads about narcissism and projection and will be able to recognise the trait in someone should I be unlucky enough to get involved with another one!! 🙂

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Lisa August 17, 2016

thank you. Very interesting Blog. I needed to read this one. I’m understanding what’s been happening to me more and more every day!

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Lcherie August 15, 2016

Wow this is exactly what happened to me.

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    Kim August 23, 2016

    All narcissi behave the same way cuz they are always cheating lying and messing with you head and heart. You ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS!

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Amy July 29, 2016

I always come back to your website for a reminder of what it is that I am dealing with. As much as I want him to not be this way, it’s just a fact that he is. And there is literally nothing that I can do but leave it alone. My ex was a hard core drug addict for a while and I just knew in my head that once he was sober he’d become the man that I fell in love with. He’d stop manipulating me and cheating and being abusive. It’s been 2 years and he is just the same as always. This is him: He loves me, hes not leaving the relationship he’s just leaving the house to better himself for us (On my birthday I heard voice messages on his phone from a girl in NA saying how much she needed him and she loves him so much. I freaked of course and he came up with the idea that I was too much and too out of control with my emotions and too stressful for him in his fragile sober state). He wants to move out of the state one day but he won’t leave without me. He cannot stand me. He says that NO ONE else met his mom so that’s how I KNOW I’m important because that means that he’s going to marry me. He blocks my number when I ask about us. He tells me we will spend family time together. He says he’s tired. He blocks my number. I go to ask him about it and he lies and says he never said that. He calls the police to get me out of his house then blocks my number. He calls me telling me he’s been wanting to come home and he loves me and he misses me. He asks me for a ride home and at his house I ask him about his words. He flips out and starts beating me up and calling me a liar and says he NEVER SAID those things.

It’s a constant cycle of poor me I had a hard life, you’re the closest person to me, no one else is there for me, I can’t stand you, there’s something wrong with you, I’m blocking you, you’re a psycho. Then hey I love you and you’re an amazing woman and I won’t ever meet anyone else like you and I want to marry you. Then wtf I never said that you’re fucking nuts I’m calling the police on you and I’m getting custody of the kids.

Needless to say, it is driving me a little loopy. I’ve talked to police, women’s advocates, NA sponsors, counselors and friends. I have the help for myself, I just don’t know what to do when he does these things. I want to believe him when he says these amazing things but I don’t get excited at all because I know that the very same day he’ll probably end up blocking me and disappearing again.

Recently I decided that I’d like to move my family away from here. After his last conversation where I was the only one for him, I asked him about moving and what he thought about it. He ended up putting me on hold and never came back to the line.

I just don’t know if I’m a complete idiot for thinking that he’ll change and wake up sometime. Or if I’m a complete idiot for even having hope for it. I also have started to think that he’s right sometimes. I AM crazy and I DO trigger him. It’s hard to not think that way because I talked to his PO and to the police about what he’s doing and they do not intervene at all. His PO does not ever respond to me anymore because I’m the perpetrator in their eyes.

I’m just at a loss. Confused. Freaking heartbroken AGAIN. And I look stupid for dealing with it.

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[…] 1) it conditions you to “shut up and take it”, 2) it frees them up for the important task of grooming other supply, and 3) it allows them to play the hurt […]

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[…] Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It's not just the Silent Treatment!) […]

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Fighter January 18, 2016

I can relate to everything posted here. The beginning was wonderful. You´re so beautiful, you´re the one I was looking for. Leaving love notes between my things. And then all the jealousy, demeanor, stalking, cocaine, lost of his job, disregard for my opinions, lack of empathy and, of course, cheating. And still I kept providing for me and receiving the silent treatment every now and then. I feel ashamed for this. I used to have nightmares, panic attacks, my body kept sore all day long. I don´t know how I managed to work. 3 suicide attempts, stays at the nuthouse.

Even though it lasted a little more than 1 year, it did a lot of damage to myself. I´m in therapy and meds. Put on a lot of weight. Have no self-steem anymore. Cut all the contact months ago, but it´s not been easy at all.

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Anonymous January 9, 2016

Hi my bf gt married..it was a long relationship 5 years..now can’t tolerate anything..

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[…] Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It's not just the Silent Treatment!) […]

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Anonymous January 8, 2016

I don’t think my ex is a narcissist, and I know he’s totally different with his current GF then he ever was with me. But this is my story and any advice offered would be a big help. Thank you.

I met my ex 7 years ago, he was my boss at work and still is. When we met he was going through a divorce, and we actually bonded over relationship issues and from then on he started flirting with me, always wanting me to hang around after work and talk to him and listen to music. We became what I thought was the best of friends and two years later we started dating. I fell in love with him, was a virgin when I met him, and he was the first and only person I have ever had sex with. Everything between us seemed to click, he would say the sweetest things to me, tell me all these things about how he couldn’t live without me, how much he missed me when we were apart and how sorry he was when we fought or he did something to hurt me. Things seemed off after we were together awhile and I started noticing things weren’t quite right, that it was a lot of work being in a relationship with him, not to mention the secrecy of it all. Because he’s my boss we couldn’t let anyone know about us because it would ruin his career, but not even his friends, family or ex wife knew we were together. I never met any of them and we were together for 5 years. Anyways, last year we had broken up for awhile and I was ready to move on, so I started talking to other guys and he found out and began pursuing things again. He told me things I had been longing to hear from him, so I gave up on the new guys I was talking to and started focusing on him and us again. To make this part shorter let me just say we got back together and that time around it really seemed like things were going to work; we weren’t fighting or taking “breaks” from each other where we weren’t seeing each other or talking to each other outside of work, we were really getting along and he was starting to open up to me and share his heart with me like he did before we started dating. He used to tell me that it felt like he knew me forever because he could open up to me, really talk to me and be himself and not be someone he thought everyone else wanted him to be. He said he shared things with me that his wife never even knew about him. I really thought God had brought us together and I thought it was too good to be true. His ex wife is a tennis model, very beautiful. I am not attractive at all, and yet he picked me. I thought he really liked me, thought he actually saw past outward appearances and saw my heart and fell for that. His wife really put him through the ringer, divorced him a year after they were married and then got remarried 10 months later and started a family with her new husband. I was there through him through all of that including the birth of his ex wife’s first child which he seemed to really be bothered by, so I was told him I understood why he was so distant around that time and tried to be supportive. He would call us “two peas in a pod”.

Anyways, back in June of 2014 he went away for a few days to California on a work trip. I was supposed to spend the weekend with him before he left on Monday, but I was sick and couldn’t go anywhere. He talked to me the first day he got to Cali, but I didn’t hear from him for the next 2 and when I finally did hear from him he told me the reason I hadn’t heard from him was that his cell phone died and he didn’t have a charger on him because the hotel he was staying at lost power all night long. I didn’t believe him and I told him that. He never texted me back after that. I waited a week and then went up to his house and found another girl at his house. He had been with her for the 3 months we had been back together and is still with her to this day almost 2 years later. After he had assured she was interested and wanted to be in a relationship with her, he just threw me in the trash like I was nothing and like the last 5 years we were together were nothing. She has no idea that he cheated on her for 3 months before him and I stopped being a couple, and she also has no clue that he has cheated on her countless numbers of times with me since they have been together. I know it was wrong, I am not saying I am a saint in this situation, I’m not. But I still love him and I still want to be with him, so when he came around and started flirting with me and pursuing me, at first I didn’t think they were still together because he traded up with her when he cheated on her and then left me for her. She’s attractive and not someone he’s ashamed to tell his friends and family about. She is someone that he can walk down the street with and get guys to turn their heads and it makes him feel proud to have someone that is close to his ex wife in status be interested in him. But after I found out they were still together we still were sleeping together and texting each other pictures and whatnot. Again, I am not blameless here and never said I was. Even though I am single and not cheating on anyone, I helped him cheat on her and I knew he was cheating on her when we were together, but I love him so much and I am still IN love with him so I allowed it to happen. But he still went back to her, as if he did nothing behind her back. He still looked her in the eye, slept with her, knowing what he did, he just didn’t care. I never cheated on him, never used him, never manipulated him. I wasn’t a perfect girlfriend, but I tried to show him I cared about him with everything I did. His dad almost died from having open heart surgery and I stayed with him the night before when he couldn’t sleep all he did was toss and turn, I stayed up with him all night. I was the first text he sent to let people know his dad made it out of surgery, and when I saw him the day after he hugged me and said that he couldn’t of done this without me. There were times when he made me feel like I was wanted, that I was attractive, and he’d tell me he never wanted to be out of my life, that he’d be lost without me and how lucky he was to have me. I fell for it. Every. Single. Time. Even when things were really bad between us and I thought about leaving him, he’d beg me to stay and say all these sweet things that I never heard before. But when he found this girl it’s like the last 5 years never existed. He just dropped me on the side of the curb like garbage because he found someone “better” and the sex we’ve had when he was with her also was him just using me because it was just sex and naked pictures. He didn’t invite me out to dinner or to the movies, I also wasn’t invited to his house (all her things are there), we would have sex at work and then he’d act like I was invisible again. The texting would stop, and he wouldn’t talk to me at work, but when he wanted something sexual again I’d hear from him. But I have been praying since I found out I was cheated on that God would tell this girl what he has done. That He would lead her to the truth that she has been cheated on, that not only did he cheat on her for the first 3 months of their relationship, but that he cheated on her as recently as New Years Eve! It was just sending naked pictures over text, I am not sure if that’s cheating or not, but I have prayed that God would tell her what he has done, that He would let her know that she has been cheated on more times than I can count because every time has been with me. Well, God hasn’t told her anything because she is still with him. And I know she thinks she is with prince charming. He has taken her on vacations to Vegas and fancy hotels, buys her whatever she wanted in the beginning, they were taking trips together before they were even together without me in the picture for a month, but she never knew about me, she thought he had been single since his divorce. But he swept her off her feet and she fell hook, line and sinker for him, but she doesn’t know him. Doesn’t know what he’s done. Doesn’t know what is hidden on his phone from me to him and vice versa. She thinks she has found the most perfect, faithful guy in the whole world because that is what he portrays himself to be. I believed he was that guy, too. Well, I prayed for God to do something to let her know just who he is and what he has done, and He hasn’t. She is still with him. God let him get away with cheating on both of us, with betraying me, lying to me, using me, manipulating me and then when he found someone better, dumping me in the trash like a piece of garbage. God BLESSED him with a relationship after what he did! That is what has caused me to lose faith in God. He rewarded my ex for his behavior, while I am single and cant get a guy to even LOOK at me. My ex never wanted me, he used me until someone better came along and when she did he didn’t need me anymore, so he kicked me to the curb. God allowed all of that to happen and then BLESSED him with a relationship with no consequences for his actions. He cheated on her, yet she still loves him, believes he loves her, and is still with him almost 2 years later. And God has done nothing. I never cheated on him ever, yet I can’t find anyone, he cheated on both of us and she thinks he’s faithful as can be and God lets it all happen! It’s not fair! Why does God continue to bless him with a relationship after he cheated on her and on me!? Why won’t God tell her what he’s done so she’d dump him because in my mind that would be the ultimate punishment, having her leave him. But God has done nothing and it hurts so much to see her still with him when God knows what he has done behind her back and hasn’t said anything to her when He’s God and can tell anyone anything! I have been praying for Him to tell her and He hasn’t, He keeps them together. How can I have faith in God, when he blesses someone like my ex who has lied and cheated and used me, as well as cheated on his current girlfriend WITH me, and I never did any of those things to him yet I can’t find anyone who wants to be in a relationship with me? I have thought about telling her about the cheating myself, but stopped myself because it would be out of revenge and that won’t be honored, and what would make me think she’d believe me? Yes, I have proof if it all, but still…..I asked GOD to tell her…..and He won’t, so how can I have faith anymore? God hates me!

As you can see this has also caused me to lose my faith in God because it just doesn’t make sense to me why God would reward him with a girlfriend after all he’s done. I don’t think he is a narcissist because he only cheated on me with a couple girls that I know of, and he denied all of those encounters that I called him out on, but with her he has only been with me behind her back, so he doesn’t have like this laundry list of girls he calls up and goes with and even when him and her don’t see each other for over a month, I’m not at his house or hanging with him, he’s just not seeing her for whatever reason, but I don’t think he’s a narcissist, he doesn’t treat her at all like he treated me otherwise, she’d leave him. Right?

I am sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any words of wisdom to say about this situation I am all ears.

Thank you.

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    Anonymous January 10, 2016

    First you have take responsibility for your own part in all this. Whatever higher power might be out, their function is not to exact revenge for you on him or the new girlfriend. It also seems like you are criticizing her for doing exactly what you did, falling for him. She wasn’t rewarded, she is his next victim, he is gutting her, just like he gutted you.

    If you have any hope of getting better you have to stop working with him. Get into therapy, and stop responding to his advances.

    Reply
    Colette Ann October 29, 2016

    You state that your ex isn’t a narc but….then your story is sounding a lot like many of ours.
    Realize that often they do not have to hit *all* the characteristics to BE a narc or a psychopath or a sociopath or a BPD person and these disorders overlap. My narc was covert and manipulative, but very sweet and kind, even when we broke up, I was getting bills paid, etc (her image more than me). It was the pattern of lies, manipulation, twisting the truth and sheer covertness that was the trip off for me.

    Good luck.

    Reply
frida January 6, 2016

My ex Narc, did the disappearing trick even when we went out to dinner, i’d sit there, in the restaurant all alone, while he went a walking to wherever through the Mall!! seriously insane 🙁

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[…] Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It's not just the Silent Treatment!) […]

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[…] Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It's not just the Silent Treatment!) […]

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[…] Why Narcissists Disappear (Hint: It's not just the Silent Treatment!) […]

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Confused December 15, 2015

It’s terrible how this is a narcissist’s method of punishment, but to their victims it’s a means to heal (going no contact). What is the difference should a narcissist use this as proof to show their victim is the narc?

I tried going low contact with my sister. She texts, but I keep it brief. Everytime, though, I get anxiety. My family thinks I am terrible for keeping my distance and accuse me of being jealous of her. Without her, I cannot be with my mom and then I have no more family so I can’t go no contact completely. My sister loves to ridicule me and compete so now I can’t tell what is normal conversation or sarcasm. It sucks.

Everytime I read about narcissists ghosting their victims, I think how narcissists believe their victims are hurting them in this way when they go no/ low contact.

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Kim Saeed December 15, 2015

Hi Tgirl21…it’s interesting you should suggest that because that’s one of my dreams — to create a retreat one day. That’s one reason why I’m applying to be a non-profit, but it would depend on donor contributions. I’m keeping my fingers crossed! <3

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Beautiful.individuals December 13, 2015

I love this article because it’s right on point. My ex & now father of my son pursued me for 4 years and I thought he was amazing. When we got together things quickly changed…but became worse when I got pregnant. I would call him out on his bs (lying ….later when I was pregnant it was his cheating ). He eventually left me to be with other girls. I was devastated but he kept coming in and out in a very unhealthy way. Our son was born yesterday and I’m so nervous to coparent with him because everyone sees him like a nice sweet guy but don’t know how he is behind close doors. He blames me for us not being a family, disregarding the fact he cheated on me several times and never once had apologized (he still denies it even though i have seen texts, pics, talked to girls. .etc).
Wish me luck! ♡
I’m almost out emotionally speaking.

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    m December 18, 2015

    I was in your shoes 9 years ago… I had no support system no family or friends – and everyone saw him as the nicest guy in the world too. So I stayed with him – or rather I let him walk in and out on me and “our” son throughout the years. I wish I hadn’t – I really wish I had not.

    Reply
Anonymous December 13, 2015

My days….this described my ex to a t! I was actually having a really low day today and missing him untill I read this! So so true!

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sunflower December 13, 2015

In my case he did silent treatment whenever I stood up for myself, and said anything that’s important or had happened to ME. We mostly talked online, and while the conversation was about anything that’s related to him, he was in and continued the chat. As I said a word about myself he immediately started withdrawing, ended the conversation without any explanation. As I was addicted to him, I began to feel guilty only by mentioning and speaking about myself, I was terrified by the silent treatment, each time fearing he has gone forever. Of course he never did, after a few days or weeks he came back like nothing had happened and with a new topic relating himself. I was the one to leave him, it’s been a month since then.

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Deana Scot December 13, 2015

Hi Kim, my husband and I were separate he moved in with his brother for 7 months and durng this time he be doing the silent treatment for the day or more and say would u want to see me or talk to me if I talked or treated u that way when I would be letting him now what he was doing was hurtful he would use shit I said later back to me claim I made him feel this way a big mind game . We would meet up at nite for sex after he got off work making it be known I should be greatful he was going out if his way to see me and he didn’t have to I felt like a butty call and then there were times he refused to see me blaming me the reason and ignore me I have my reason to think there was someone else and now that we have moved back in together he has his phone on silent claim its off cuz if me and his he puts it harassed him wit calls and text he used words like bother annoying nosey and its non of my business wit his money he don’t ask me so y should he tell me and that’s rude for asking he says and always says stop being jealous wen I ask questions to things he says now I feel he tries to get between me and my two older daughters by telling on them over stupid things and says it getting in the way of his routine and will get mad if any one us at the house for the whole day claims they ate my spies all of these words I feel are words u don’t use or feel if u love someone now he has a place out side man cave to hide away and do nothing to help around the house we argue all the time and latly it became physical again he grabbing my neck were broke my jaw that hasn’t held yet I say his hurting me and out loud he will claim he did noo such thing he didn’t touch me I don’t now what I’m dealing with I tell him in leaving and he will say I’m his and its over when he says it is he says I let u go and u came back to me I’m his I do t now what I’m doing anymore. And u feel lifeless

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Elijah December 12, 2015

I spent 11 years thinking I was a crazy person. Thank you for helping me understand what was really happening.

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Gods Glory December 12, 2015

<3 it I can relate.

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tvjackiem December 12, 2015

In July 2014 I met a man named Justin who by all accounts seemed like a typical urban professional working in finance. He was so high functioning that when he told me be got a dream job in Zurich, it didn’t seem off. He had left his firm in San Francisco, and I have known people who found jobs investment banking outside the US. Long story short, after two months of claiming he was in Switzerland, it turned out he had been in San Francisco the whole time. I didn’t confront him. Just blocked him. Last I heard he moved back to his native New York. But he did have at least a double life with various women, and I am convinced he is bipolar. He was taking Paxil and suddenly stopped, which can prompt odd behavior. No excuse. What he did was not OK and possible signs of distorted thinking.

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Bradley December 12, 2015

Kim and friends…..this post is SO spot on. Pull the damned weed !!!

Now I completely understand why, when I bought my N a 4X battery extender for her phone….so that it would NEVER be dead…..she was not so impressed. Too funny. I thought I was helping with a nice useful gift….she saw it as me taking away an excuse…..so insightful.

Thanks Kim…..Day 51 of NC….just saying.
Bradley

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    Anonymous December 28, 2015

    Ive been reading posts of people who “get it”, what were going through. This is the first post I have posted. Im separated from my NC, its been 16 months since he was packed and gone when I came home from work. We were married in sep 2012, left in may 2013. Since then, my life feels like the game Mother May I.. I want to hateee this man, hes used me for my money, of course wont admit that, verbally destroyed me, I need closure, which I realize is impossible for a NC to give, I struggle everyday just to smile, keep hopeful. After few texts here and there, he” allowed” me to see him on xmas, I bought him gifts, made diner with him, it was great, just a few hours after I left, the games began, due to his prior plans for later that night, knowing the blame game, I tried my best to not be pulled in by his button pushing, but, being human, and a lot of wine, my truthful, painful, texts, of hat a piece of work he his..I regreted it so much the next day. Now again, he has his excuse to move on, as he says. Why do I continue to fall for fake hope? He is fine without me, yet, I find myself constantly thinking of how we were, knowing its the selective brainwashing he so successfully done. So how does one learn to hateee who they love?

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      Colette Ann October 30, 2016

      Grieve what was good, while never, ever forgetting what (not who) they are and the truly horrible things they did. Their love is not deep, true, never will be healthy nor does it stand the test of time. I still miss how MUCH I loved my narc. My God, I thought we were going to be indestructible, I was so damn happy and I know that is how the new supply feels. But it never will work out. Their true colors will always show. I hate mine now, mostly, because what she did to me was so MEAN. Think of how much you were hurting and they knew it and still did what they did…that is enough to make you hate a person. Your pain was only something for them to dodge. Your love was a tool that they used to deceive you with. You are worthy of love. It wasn’t right, you will always deserve more than that. The heart is EVER hopeful and even in the face of truth-still your heart hopes against hope. Tell your heart to heal and give it lots of time, you will be surprised at the think that will ‘leach’ out even months/years later that you didn’t see at the time. It sucks, but it does get better.

      Reply
    jeffrey August 15, 2016

    That’s to funny, you destroyed one of her excuses. Nothing I bought my narc was good enough, but to acutely give her something that she didn’t like actual reason not to like would have been priceless. However weird that sounds.

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Hernamewaslola December 12, 2015

Gosh. It just makes me sick. I was so blind, and never listened to my gut, telling me it’s not normal. I spent 5 years playing this bs game loving this man with everything I have, while he played me over and over. It was so textbook and if only I had known sooner, but now I do. If only I could take back the time, energy, love, dreams, the hopes. He was a master of future faking and always made me feel like I was the one holding back, and in a way I was. I think it’s because my gut told me something was wrong, but my heart and brain couldn’t understand. I still love him, but I left him this time because I know now what he is and that no matter how much I wanted it that it was never real and never will be. I wasted 5 years! He stole that time away from my children who needed a mom who was more emotionally and physically present, and I hate him now for that. I developed an intensely close relationship with his young daughter and she became the daughter I never had. Part of me staying so long is because of her. I love her like my own, and I have been like a mom to her since she was only 3. She clings to me. I have been her best friend and a constant in her life. She is extremely shy but always felt safe with me. I see it affecting her. Our relationship. The discards have worn on her too. I can go on and on just on this, but I see now as she’s getting a little older he is ruining her even though he tries to be the worlds greatest dad and the relationship I saw he had with her was one of the reasons I loved him so now makes me sick, as I see its destroying her, and I am scared for her, but I can’t hurt myself or my kids any longer. I know I’m rambling here. I struggle everyday even though I know I’m doing the right thing. The phone and his laptop, he was addicted to. They were always locked. He’d let me use his Mac but under my own profile, once in a while if I needed it during and only during the time I lived with him. After one particular discard he threw me out and I moved out, and when we got back together I decided not to move back in he was not happy about it and I saw more of an attachment with the computer. The fight we had before I left him I actually took his laptop for a couple days and he completely flipped out because he needed it for school( he was working on his BA at the time(which is another long story) so I brought it back to him. Little did I I know then why he was so attached to it. Every night even when things were fine his favorite thing for us to do if we were home was “chill out” on the couch with him on his Mac or phone and me on the other end on my iPad. He’d touch me or tickle my feet all the while obsessed over there doing his thing until it was time for sex or bed. Even with him right there, I felt alone. Sad. Bored. Occasionally he would call me over to show me something but he’d also close the laptop if he got up to use the restroom or anything. And the phone always charging or laying in another room. Unless he felt like showing me he was leaving it there in front of me so I can trust him in which case it must have been on airplane mode. Ugh the distrust I felt, why didn’t I listen to my gut? He always wanted to know who called or text me or what I was looking at on my iPad and I’m sure he only let me use the computer to see what I did or get my passwords. I was so blind, so in love. I just feel so angry, sad, disappointed not just in him but myself. I’m sorry this is so long. There’s just so much, and friends and family will never really understand what happened to us. Thanks for letting me vent 🙁

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    desperateforawayout December 21, 2015

    Oh my God this is so me right now, I am still married but want out but I don’t know how, we just bought a house about six months ago. I also lay there next to him watching tv but i feel alone even though he is right next to me. I am depressed to the max, i am sad all the time, he has broken me. I can;t stand feeling like this. I feel empty inside. I hate him with all my heart and the rage i feel towards him consumes me every day. I need help.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed December 22, 2015

      Hi desperateforawayout. Thank you for stopping by and for sharing. I really and truly wish I had an easy answer for you. But, the truth is that it takes time to get through something like this. I could suggest various books, but I have learned that the best way to get through this kind of situation requires a transformation — a shift, if you will. I am currently putting together some packages for long-term coaching mentoring if you’d be interested. I used to offer one- and two- month packages but that’s just not long enough for such a change to take place and stick. I have learned that the best programs for recovery involves 1) a professional therapist who can help with clinical conditions (such as depression) and childhood issues,2) a coach to help you navigate the changes, and 3) practicing transformational healing activities. Sounds like a lot, huh?
      At the very least, I’d highly recommend a therapist if you’re not seeing one already — preferably someone who specializes in emotional trauma.

      Kindly,

      Kim

      Reply
    Anonymous January 1, 2016

    Sounds so familiar spot on.

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    betrayedbycrazy January 4, 2016

    Thank you for sharing. Now that I know there was nothing wrong with me that it was him I cant try to put my life back together. I had it all before I met him two years ago. And bc of him I lost it all. My self my job my love for life my joy and happiness. Reading your experience gave me more strength to know it wasnt me it was him. Everything makes sence now. I kept taking him back. The more I read the more strength i get

    Reply
    Anonymous January 20, 2016

    Sounds really familiar.

    Reply
    Backtomenow October 6, 2016

    I realize it’s been almost a year since your post, but I read your story with wide eyes and my jaw on the floor. Your story IS my story, almost verbatim! Your gut screaming at you, your thoughts and actions, his habits. I had as hard a time, if not more so, leaving his young daughters that I had bonded with than I did him. Falling in love with the ‘loving and doting’ father I thought he was only to later see the damage he was doing to their own psychological health. I just can’t stress how similar our experiences were/are. I’m going on day three of no contact, though I know I’ll be hearing from him any day now to be told all about his sudden realization after REALLY thinking about things and examining his behavior only to realize how wrong and hurtful he was and he vows to do whatever it takes to earn my trust back and blah blah blah lie lie lie!!!! Sorry, pal, not this time! It’s hurts. It hurts like hell! I’m still very much in love with the man I thought he was, but I now know it was all an illusion. None of it was real, except for the pain and lies and manipulations. As much as I hate to think anyone had to go through the nightmare I endured, your story, especially, has helped me touch base with reality again. I now KNOW it WAS NOT ME!!! My ex N was textbook, everything you read about them he’s done and worse; he would even project projecting onto me! It’s almost laughable how ridiculous he is, but there is nothing funny about these people, man or woman. It’s abuse, real abuse, with real, soul crushing consequences. Being punished for loving someone goes against all that makes us human and it’s we, the victims, who must suffer and struggle to find our way back to ourselves and it’s just not fair. It’s cruel and heartless; no rhyme or reason, but here we are. The very experiences that made us feel so utterly alone and hopeless, have actually brought us together and for the first time I truly feel I can start to heal. I only hope others can do the same. Stay strong and know you really are not alone, that you are worthy and deserving of happiness and should seek it out at all costs!!

    Reply
Cb December 12, 2015

Please understand there are many women who fit this pattern of behavior. I have been living it for eighteen years and it has taken my discovery of many affairs, including with my closest friends, to help me realize what was actually going on. I always thought my wife was just petty, self centered and insecure. I was sure I was the one with the mental problems…..she convinced me of it. I even doubted my own memory of events. For all those men out there know that you are not the only ones taken by a narcissistic wife.

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    Kim Saeed December 15, 2015

    Cb, there are indeed many female narcissists out there and they can be quite nasty. In case you’ve just discovered my site, I periodically write articles about female narcissists, as well and am collecting stories from men in order to publish an eBook on the topic — hopefully next year.

    Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience.

    Reply
    jeffrey August 15, 2016

    My ex wife is a narc. The nightmare I went through in marriage to her is only over shadowed by the hell I’m living in the divorce. I can’t get away from her because of the daughter we have together. My life has become a living hell.

    Reply
chankla2 December 12, 2015

Amen!!!!
NARCS constantly ATTN, ATTN, ATTN
anyway, any shape, any form, any supply 24 7…. dsnt matter
yes, anybody in future addicted to ph, SM, ATTN seeking? bbye been there done that, we all have!!!!!
they don’t change!!!!!! any age guy/girl
FAM, kids, exes, strangers, co-workers they all play tooo!
NARCS stay in comfort zone, rinse&repeat!!! rinse&repeat!!!!
N/C only way for you, an only way to insult them!!!!
they discarded you!!!! go 007 on them
vanish!!!!!
Fix you!!!!! Do things you never did because of them!
Actions speak louder than words, always…..
no THYRE not happy its fake&supply supply supply for them…
its their LOSS for real….
go forward, love you!!!
courage!!!!
🙂

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    Bradley December 12, 2015

    “chankla2″…WOW…thanks for that inspiration. Your strength and passion are easily felt in what you wrote…it made me smile. Always nice to hear such a positive determined voice…..
    Thank you !!!
    Bradley

    Reply

Kim, u r Absolutely right about Narc. excuses are so believable also that victim can’t question them. I was sleeping most of the time. I was sick on bed is the usual. The best i heard i don’t want to be in the blame game.

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    Kim Saeed December 12, 2015

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing! <3

    Reply
Mary Ann December 12, 2015

Thank you, thank you this couldn’t have come at a better time! I was much stronger after reading this. A GREAT BIG THANK YOU!!!!! MaryAnn

>

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    Kim Saeed December 12, 2015

    Yay! So glad I was able to give you a little boost, Mary Ann 🙂

    Reply
    I want to hurt him December 18, 2015

    He got us for 9 yrs. My children devastated. Got my son taken by the state. Lied to police. Got me arrested. Now im a criminal, just 4 wks after back surgery. He planned how and when to throw me away. Ive been living in my car for 2 months now. I figured out he was doing cocaine and thought that was the whole problem. Just in the last few days, I finally put all the pieces together and found a monster…..the love of my life. Best sex I ever had. I am now sickened by that. Knowing he had others. Thought we had a special chemistry with sex……I hate him and I love him. How do you get out with your sanity intact?! I feel like I will never be right again.

    Reply
survivednarc December 12, 2015

So on the spot, as always in your blog! I so clearly remember all the “My cel phone battery died”,-type of excuses in his disappearing acts. Also the constant hiding the cel phone, or turning the sound off. I was always right in the end, he did have so many other women lined up. Yuck. If I ever meet a guy again who is so secretive with his phone, I’ll take it as a huge red flag! Hugs// Survived

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Karin December 12, 2015

Best one ever? He’s coming for the weekend, on an acquaintance’s plane (from ‘our’ home he’s building in NY state). He disappears after saying goodbye and an hour or two trip turns into three days.
The reason? Well, the RCMP stopped them on this side of the border due to another passenger carrying weed. He was detained and then sent home via bus and of course his cellphone had died. His frantic son was contact with me the entire time. Frightened, alone, worried because he couldn’t reach his father…
If I didn’t have friends and family who went through all these episodes with me, I wouldn’t believe it either!

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    Kim Saeed December 12, 2015

    Wow. This could be a screenplay. Mind if I use that one? LOL! Truth is stranger than fiction, huh? But seriously, this one is too good. I could certainly use this for one of my “secret”projects I’m working on 🙂 <3

    *hugs* Always good to see you here, Karin.

    Reply
      Karin December 12, 2015

      Absolutely! I don’t write a lot about specific situations because in truth, they really are almost too fantastical to be believed and yet, this was my life for two years. Feel free to give me a shout if you need details.
      Sidebar: my Uncle was RCMP and was promoted to Detective in his latter years. Needless to say, my offer of his help / expertise was roundly dismissed.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed December 12, 2015

        Thank you, Karin! I’ll keep you in the loop 🙂 <3

        Sorry you were dismissed. You are a brilliant woman; a thousand leagues above those poor idiots.

        Reply
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