Narcissists, Porn, and Sexual Dysfunction

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Are you having issues in the bedroom with your narcissistic partner?  Have you been persuaded to do things you swore you’d never do just to stay in the narcissist’s good graces and try to prevent them from cheating?  Do you hear on a regular basis how boring and frigid you are and wish you could have close, meaningful relations instead of feeling like a star in an adult smut movie?

I talk with many people regarding their intimate relationships with narcissists. Narcissists are generally exhibitionists, and sex is just another method of getting attention and admiration.

They also tend to watch lots of internet porn.

Narcissists are threatened by a partner’s sexual and emotional needs.  Because of this, most narcissists prefer internet pornography and self-gratification to mature, intimate sex.  This explains why articles related to narcissists and sex describe claims of sexual addiction – claims used by the narcissist as smoke and mirrors to cover up their affairs and porn addiction.

Narcissists commit adultery and have extramarital liaisons for a variety of reasons, including control, power, attention, and because they get bored easily.  This explains why partners of narcissists almost always catch them on online dating sites and why narcissists are often addicted to internet pornography.  Research has shown that the more control narcissists have over sex, the more gratifying the experience tends to be.

This addiction can lead to porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which they then blame on their partner(s).   Affected partners become traumatized, depressed, experience body-image issues, and these issues often spill over into other areas of their lives, like work and child-rearing.  Shamed partners often turn to coping mechanisms such as food, drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery, and/or finding an affair partner or completely shut down sexually.  In severe cases, affected partners have attempted suicide.

So how does the frequent viewing of porn/masturbation result in erectile dysfunction?  The mechanics include the following:

  • The need for higher thresholds of excitement
  • Causes lack of sensation and/or lack of desire
  • Lack of intimacy with a partner and anorgasmia; which is not only caused by lack of sensation but can be due to “edging”, which is when someone reaches the point of climax and stops themselves in order to prolong the porn experience, which then transfers over to relations with their partner
  • Persistent viewing of porn causes an increased need to view because the dopamine receptors in the brain are stimulated over and over again, causing high tolerance
  • Perpetual refractory periods cause less desire to have sex with a partner; they have no desire because they’ve been watching porn and self-satisfying
  • The problem isn’t necessarily in the genitalia, but in the mind…desire is rooted in the brain, and over time, porn/masturbation causes dopamine overloads/short-circuiting/burnout, so that sex with a partner doesn’t achieve the same kind of result
  • Creation of an idiosyncratic masturbatory style – masturbating uses a different kind of friction and pressure than one would experience with a partner/intercourse, which acclimates the person to a new kind of physical pressure that desensitizes the person during actual sex
  • Often can’t be treated with traditional drugs (Viagra, Cialis, etc.) like “traditional ED”.  Although they can provide blood flow to the genitalia and cause an erection, the person often cannot achieve orgasm because the main problem is rooted in the brain, which has been desensitized from porn

Again, not all porn addicts are narcissists, but a high percentage of narcissists are addicted to porn.  If you’re not sure which category your partner falls into, look for their willingness to overcome their addiction with your help.  If they blame their condition on you, or refuse to talk about recovery, chances are high that they are a narcissist.  Even if they’re not, you’ll want to consider the possible effects on your mental and emotional health if choosing to stay with a porn-addicted partner who shows no desire to stop.

Besides, porn has humanitarian and ethical implications, including the following:

  • Increased demand for porn has caused an increase in human trafficking
  • Lower quality of life for people in the sex industry (in general, not in all cases) –cases of violence, emotional abuse, threats, etc. for people wanting to leave the industry
  • Causes unrealistic expectations for young teens, the first sexual experience is often porn, long-term ramifications for normal relationships
  • Virtual infidelity –people begin to prefer porn to their partner(s), cannot be aroused by partner(s), people who watch porn often fake orgasms with their partner and then go watch porn to please themselves; dilutes connection with partner/spouse – often leads to increased real-life infidelity
  • Studies have found correlations between pornography use and marital/relationship instability; those who reported being happily married were much less likely to report the use of internet porn
  • Pornography use has been linked to higher rates of divorce, extramarital affairs, lower rates of happiness in marriage/relationships and with life in general

This article isn’t meant as an argument for or against porn.  There are enough debates on the subject centered around sexual autonomy, choice, feminism, and other societal considerations.  Further, some older couples report that the mutual viewing of porn has helped spice up their romance in the bedroom…Though, there are very real societal ramifications linked to internet porn.

This article was written to help traumatized partners understand that if their narcissistic partner blames their ED on them, there are very real physiological and psychological reasons why this may be happening, which have nothing to do with affected partners.  If this describes your situation, please seek professional therapy, and if your partner shows no signs of change, you may want to consider ending the relationship because the situation will only get worse.

Final Thoughts

You deserve so much more than that emotional abuse.  Breaking free from an abusive relationship may be the hardest thing you ever do, but it will also be one of the most rewarding decisions you’ll ever make.  Everyone has the innate capacity to heal themselves. But it’s likely you will need external support to heal the traumas that get in the way of your ability to tune into this gift. 

I cover the applications and theories in all of these areas in my narcissistic abuse recovery program, which has been voted a favorite by professionals in the psychological community.  Therapists refer their own clients to this program.

As you work through the program, you will experience freedom of expression, radical self-care, and self-confidence.

The relationship between you and your inner cheerleader will become as close as a best friend.

Your true self will be revealed to you in a way you never imagined. There’s a good chance you’ll start loving the person in the mirror, keeping promises to yourself, and celebrating your choices over time.

Your new sense of self-assurance will make you feel empowered.

Discover the strength inside you to overcome crippling emotional pain, defeat helplessness, and create a meaningful, fulfilling life.  The Break Free Program will give you the exact strategies to help you discover the key to transformational healing.  Our beautiful community includes people in varying stages of their healing and several who are celebrating their anniversaries of no contact!

See what students and mental health professionals have to say.  


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123 comments
Anonymous says March 25, 2024

These blogs are what cause the problems. Scorned people writing scorned articles which other scorned people read and believe and confirm that scorned is the way it’s meant to be. If you’re looking for something, generally you find it.

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    Kim Saeed says March 26, 2024

    Said by someone who feels called out. There’s nothing to worry about unless you’re the one causing people to feel scorned.

    Reply
Geo says April 11, 2022

dearly discarded,
Kim&Crew.
What I’ve found w/y all if familial
and empowering. I never knew,
clueless to these landsharks. The emotional trauma bonding im breaking free of is horrid. Self has been raided ransacked set ablaze and tossed, all while I held the door open for her. Only to beg her back w/supply to again be lit and split on. Silent Treatment should be felony and the aid given under false pretense be grand theft. GoldenBoy to ScapeGoat in 2yrs which she graced me w/60% of broke up, out of town or ghosted. And I still sche 4 her. She called in the folks for the projected smear extraction after i moved her in w/ me, carte blanc. Doubt she had ever played house B4 and saw me as an enemy now . OMG the baiting and inciting just to hit the call button once she broke me to join the melee. Her phone and lack of morality was flagrent and used to house train me, yet she would still disappear/block and then blame..and I gobbled it up. Sicko. Yes me. I only discovered what was happening from google
searching why the phone block. She is indeed a perfectionist because what I’ve read has peeled back layer after layer and all I could see was liar liar.Her daughter, dog and cats were discarded so who the f* am i to think I can love her deep and hard like we agreed we would early on due to her previous abusive relationships. Even triangulated her last supply and i not but 2wks into official dating.
I was still a starstruck space cadet because the lovemaking and quantity and quality of it Yes like a drug. You all know I had to have her At all cost. Above all else. Even me. Been 68 days. Not a clue where she is, and still choose to respect her boundries when she kicked, smashed, trashed and thrashed mine with total disrespect and enjoyed watching me erasing myself at her rage fests/tests. Funny thing. Never had a pet of my own. El Gato is a survivor too A cat cool enough that I lovingly call my own. ..G..

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Susie says April 13, 2021

This blog described my relationship with my partner. I walk into his office, and catch him masterbating while looking at naked women, and he said that they all look like me and what’s the big deal? In the mean time, he stopped having sex with me, and blamed me for not initiating sex nor giving him oral sex when I bring up the issue. He gave me a silent treatment for 3 months, and I found out that he was angry at me because I worked from home during the pandemic, and he could not do daily masterbation while looking at naked women while I am awake and working. So, he had to wait until I go to bed and masterbate. It seems that he gets bored easily, so he has to download new pictures with new women everyday to satisfy his sexual desire. So, he wants to move out so that he can freely masterbate while watching porn or naked women, but he can’t afford to do that, so told me that he felt suffocated for not having privacy. The only reason why he needs privacy is because he needs to be alone so that he can masterbate while watching porn or naked women.

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sandra says October 30, 2020

When a narc only gets saisfaction out of watching web cam porn, and wants no physical sex with you, then you tell them that they are impotent because of their masturbating habits, will that hurt the narcs feelings ?

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    Virginia says February 18, 2022

    I’m hoping that question was asked tongue-in-cheek, because, narcs don’t have feelings to hurt, and if they did, why would you care if you hurt their “feelings?” 😉

    Reply
sandra says October 30, 2020

I think what makes porn addiction worse for the narc, is that there are free porn sites. If these were to become subscription only then that would help somehow.
My narc stopped wanting sex with me , but is very keen on watching lesbian porn . He asked me to have lesbian sex so that he could watch and wank himself.
When I recieved his message, I replied telling him that he is only like this as he is impotent. Did I cause him a narc injury ? I hope so !

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Katherine says October 23, 2020

Kim, I have a question. If they get ED eventually from the porn why doesn’t it interfere with sex workers? Or do they have the sex worker perform oral or hand job and avoid real sex? Sorry to be crude. I’m guessing that they equate the sex workers with the porn. Hy husband who is a narc sex addict denies having real people but evidence is there. He made a comment that ‘he was getting too old for this’ so I assume he was starting to have ED with sex workers too. He could perform with me briefly lasting no more than two minutes and said he imagined porn during it.

Thx in advance ?

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Jackie says June 14, 2020

Hi I m new I just signed up and reading all your comments has made me realize I’m not the only one, I’ve been with my husband for 33 years have 4 adult children and 6 grandchildren. He always watches porn and uses a penis pump while watching his porns and he dresses me up with lingerie and just wants me to lay on my stomach while he watches the porn looks at me and tells me about everyone he’s had sex with in his past. Then expects me to be Lovy dovy but I just can’t I’m totally turned off, but I have to feel him touch him while he’s still watching the damn porn and we be like that all night long and not once does he touches he at all. I feel horrible and sometimes I just feel like running out our room our house and never coming back. But I just don’t have no where to go. I cry all the time cause I love him but I’m already working on ripping that love out of me and putting my foot down. I’m tired of asking for affection for love for kindness for a kiss I’m just tired of his attitude, he has sent pictures of his private to two of my daughter in laws and my son’s love there dad but don’t trust him anymore, my 28 year son and my 22 year old daughter always telling me that there father doesn’t love me for me to wake up. He’s nice to outsiders but he always has an attitude with me and sometimes I feel him looking at me with hate but he always denies it all. This is the first time I say anything on this website cause I would feel so embarrassed to tell anyone else.

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    Shermana says June 27, 2020

    Dear Jackie,

    I never usually reply to comments on this site, or other sites, and just read articles and comments and try to quietly absorb and keep learning and continue to try to convince myself that this also happened to me, but I felt compelled to reply to you.

    First to say that I am so so sorry Jackie that you are going through something like this.
    Your story and pain and treatment is something that I am also all too familiar with.

    And although I left my toxic narcissistic ex over 5 years ago, the pain and scars of being treated this way are still very deep.

    My ex narcissist also was addicted to porn, as well as being an alcoholic.
    All of which I had absolutely no idea of when I met him, and he swept me off my feet, was the man I truly thought was the love of my life, man of my dreams, and my soul mate.

    And it was a steady revelation, as he began to reveal his ‘true’ self.
    And that ‘man of my dreams’ began to disappear.
    And no matter what I tried, it was never enough….never.
    And till today I cringe at the thought of the things I did, and accepted, all in the hopes that he would one day return to that man I ‘believed’ with all my heart that he was.

    And I’m still trying to convince myself that the person I believed he was, was an act.

    I feel your pain and believe every word you wrote, as I still remember how he treated me, like an object, especially when it came to intimacy.
    Never showing any true affection during sex, and calling me a whore and slut, and expecting me to go along with it, because that’s what gratified him.
    And I did.
    Until I couldn’t any more.

    Jackie…. there comes a point in your life where you just have to “decide” internally, that this is not the life you want for yourself, and that you deserve better… much better.
    Not from him…… but from yourself.

    And it takes time to ‘decide’…. because it means you have to give up that hope that he’ll one day return to the man you so desperately want him to be.
    He won’t return to that.
    If he hasn’t returned to that after 33 years together, why would you think he would do so now.

    And when you do ‘decide’ that you want better for yourself, it doesn’t mean that you can pick up and leave the next day.
    I certainly know that.
    It took almost a year for me after I ‘decided’…
    But the universe heard my true intention, and it was incredible at how it started to lay out steps for me to leave…. and save my own life.

    But I had to be brave in so many ways.
    I had to leave my beautiful home, and move into a tiny place that the universe presented to me.

    I had to give up so much……really everything actually.
    Right down to moving out with my clothes in garbage bags, because I had no bedroom furniture.

    But the one thing I gained…. instantly….. was some peace.

    Jackie….. “How he treats you, is how he feels about you.”

    That hate that you see in his eyes?
    Is real.
    As real as the true hate I can still picture in my ex’s eyes when he looked at me.
    And yet, to the rest of the world, he was the nicest guy… a real gem.

    Your children will be so proud of you for deciding that you want better for yourself.

    And I absolutely guarantee you, as someone who has ‘been there’…..that through all the pain and hurt and disbelief that this is all actually really happening to you?
    You will be so proud of yourself.

    It’s still hard for me, as I look around my tiny apartment and continue to try to rebuild my life.
    And still painful as I continue to let go of that dream of what I ‘thought’ my life would be.

    But it’s also astounding to me, that every single time I take any action of being “brave,” the universe meets me halfway with some good news, or a new opportunity.

    And now, I have no one in my life that looks at me with such hate.
    Because I don’t deserve that.
    And neither do you.

    Find your strength to be brave, and have courage.
    And you will see the universe will meet you halfway.
    🙂
    Because yup, that also “happened to me”.

    PS……thank you so much Kim for providing such a platform. It is an absolute lifesaver.

    Reply
      Arely chapa says October 26, 2020

      Oh this post makes me hurt. I felt every word in this post. My husband is divorcing me…yet it was him who had a porn addiction and selfish tendencies. The neglect , the lies and betrayal of his self serving actions caused such deep wounds in me and my self esteem. Leaving me absolutely broken.
      He is divorcing me because he no longer was gaining anything from marriage as I was argumentative and negative . All while I had forgiven his porn addiction, porn chats , phone sex, etc.

      It is truly a very low place to be in as a spouse . I know I will forever carry these scars .

      I too am left with nothing . Having to start over and even more, with a broken heart and broken dreams .

      Reply
Maryann says March 30, 2020

All my husband did over all our years of marriage is masturbate and now he has erctile dysfuction. Don’t ask me to exlain why I still love the man, but I do. When I was in college I had a thing (dream)for woman and now I have a lesbian lover. I’ve told him about the affair and I intend to continue. Last week I brought her home for dinner and she met my husband. Everyone was cordial and pleasant, and I asked her to stay for the weekend. Husband has as always slept on the couch. Maybe I’m cruel but I need intimacy love which my husband never did.

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    Arely says October 26, 2020

    My husband also developed ED and I always loved him despite knowing it was Bc of his addiction. So I understand you still love him. I never seeked anyone outside the marriage and we eventually worked thru this , but it took my self esteem to the ground and self worth along the process

    Reply
13 Unsettling Things Narcissists Do When They Think No One Is Looking - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says October 10, 2019

[…] and is probably hooking up with other people behind your back.  At the very least, they are likely engaging in things via the internet with people they’ve met online that would make you feel […]

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Sylvie says September 28, 2019

The first sexual encounter with the old Narcy was fabulous! He fired on me for hours! He exalted in pleasing me. I noticed that during the entire time he never became excited, was limp, & his eyes showed a strange expression. This went on a few more times. Finally, I flat out said “F$&@ me!” He could not get it up! He then proceeded to masturbate & did not apologize. Later, he claimed it was because he “did not feel all in” with me yet! That’s the first time I felt very strongly something was not right with him.

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Gail Evans says July 22, 2019

Internet porn is destroying marriages…I see it everywhere. I am now leaving my husband of 25 years due to his porn addiction and horrible treatment towards me. I realize he is a narcissist through and through. Yet he lies to our pastor about his behaviour and continues to lead men’s Bible studies. He will never know what he has done to me through the years. Somehow i have to find connect with the woman I was…

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Wishing I could make it stop says July 17, 2019

After reading this article I believe it is spot on how things are. I will start with saying my relationship started from our two spouses working together and developing into an affair. After 17 years together and 14 married and with two children…I left. When I found out the woman he was cheating with was also married I located her husband to let him know what was going on. He too divorced her. With us turning to another during the worse time of our lives we developed a real connection. We dated for 3 years while our ex’s relationship ended up falling apart. Bit us…We fell deeper into love everyday. Oh did I forget to say he’s 17 years older than me? Our sex was amazing…until we decided to have a night of partying. We decided to allow ourselves to start doing DRUGS. It made our sex life even more than I could imagine. Then while doing things I never knew were possible, I then allowed the porn into our bedroom..: with being told it was just gonna be on to have in the background while we were intimate. It wasn’t doing anything for me but he was happy. So I let it happen. Then I was finding myself begging for his attention and acknowledgement while exposing myself into this world I was now wanting out of. Begging to stop the drugs to get our life back… he fell deeper and deeper Into the porn which of course then came the ED. With the drugs still in the background I started becoming unsure of his fidelity so I stared snooping. I noticed that porn was his life. This dark disgusting world was taking my husband further away by the min. When porn was let into our bedroom it was us having sex with the porn in the background. By the end of the first month it was us having sex with his eyes on the tv a lot. To me trying to be everything he wants…and do things I really wasn’t into and then him telling me that I wasn’t doing something right. That maybe if I actually watched the porn I could learn something. And him asking me to move over so he could seen the tv Instead of him watching me trying to pleasure myself for him. It was a joke. Me coming home and seeing that he was home masturbating for hours. Every second he had outside of work he was masturbating. We stopped having sex when he developed what I call “hand on cock-I-dise”. He had such a problem. He was so badly infected on this genitals and he wouldn’t get it taken care of cause he couldn’t stop touching it. After about 14 months of on and off again infections he finally cleared up. But by then I stoped caring about myself and letting myself go. After looking and feeling great from the rapid weight loss from the drugs i thought I looked great but I was still miserable cause even at my thinnest I couldn’t get my husbands attention. He was now asking me to move over while trying to intimate so he could see the computer screen while his porn was on. I was now in the background of him and porn. I now know that I can never get those feelings back about sex. I have now banned it for our sex time. Our sex is now just sex. No intimacy at all. No kissing, no touching, no fore play on his end at all. To the point I can give his oral sex for 40 mins plus and it does nothing. I can hardly ever make my husband cum and it kills my confidence and I don’t know what to do anymore. The man cave if the garage which now he’s in there every single hour he’s home minus the 2-3 hours he gives himself to come in and attempt to be in a sexual relationship with me. Most of those time resulting in me crying because of the situation. I want to help us but I don’t know what else to do. He won’t care if I leave him or threaten to leave. And I don’t know what else to do. Can our marriage really be saved at this point?

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    Diana says February 14, 2020

    Leave him. Leave sex. Start skiing. Much more fun. Get a life and get out!

    Reply
    Kristi says January 16, 2021

    Wait you just described my life verbatim. I’m going thru the exact same thing right now. I am so hurt but I knew it all along I just went with it to make it seem like it was my idea. Hoping he wouldn’t find as much pleasure in it if it was something he wasn’t doing behind my back. I never saw this person coming married a nice country boy that had never touched a drug in his life. Now he’s a tweaker that lives in the garage and like you said comes in for sex. He calls me the most horrible names and I just can’t believe I’ve dealt with it. I want to runaway right now if I only knew where to go. This is a hard situation for so many women and feeling stuck just seems to be a real hinderence. My dream is to start a home for woman in abusive situations. I’ve wanted too for years hoping that’s why I’ve gone thru so much pain for a reason. There has to be a reason this is terrible ?

    Reply
7 Sneaky Things Narcissists Say to Get You Back - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says April 12, 2019

[…] be in regards to their anger management issues, alcoholism, excessive jealousy, infidelity, or sex/porn addiction (often, a combination of all of the […]

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5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations - Kim Saeed: Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program says March 21, 2019

[…] Manipulation-Hack – The dark truth is that cheating and watching porn are the average narcissist’s favorite things to do[1].  I’ve been working with narcissistic abuse victims for years, and even those who look like models are cheated on, lied to, and experience the humiliation of their partner’s PIED. […]

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Anonymous says November 8, 2018

When I first got together with my husband who I now believe to be a covert narcissist, he frequently had ED which he blamed on me, and even took out on me with silent treatments and hostility (don’t ask me why I put up with that…I guess I’m a recovering codependent?) Not long into the relationship, I found a phone sex number on our phone bill, which of course he denied. Of course at the time, I was being the “cool” girl. I wasn’t so naive to think that he was telling the truth, I just thought, “Oh well, that’s guy’s.” However, the sex thing (or lack thereof) began to be an issue of control that he blamed on me–and of course, the more he blamed me and treated me with guilt trips and silent treatments, the less I wanted to have sex with him, so it just snowballed. Years later (I know, I know) and a child (happened while we were drinking, because it’s the only time we ever had sex!) I had a very distinct, lucid dream (I’ve had lot’s over the years, and they are often correct in what they are trying to tell me) that I was in the living room, on my laptop. An older woman’s voice started telling to me to look into an inappropriate relationship my husband was having with an online chatroom sex worker. It was really real sounding. I woke up, and had a very uneasy feeling. I’m a jealous person, and not one to snoop. However, my husband happened to have left his phone at home that day, so I checked his texts…sure as F, there was a text from a number located in a town about 1/2 hour away, “Let me know if you want to talk dirty some time.” Woah. I am also very tech savvy and I work on my own computers–he didn’t know that I know how to check the cache on the computer, so I did that, and found years worth of pornography links at all different times during the day. Woah again. I mean, I’m not naive, guy’s like porn…but this was a tsunami of pornography. I realized that some of the hits were likely do to porn site pop ups, but still–this was a daily habit, and we were not having sex. What to do, what to do. I called a friend while hiding in the bathroom to come up with a game plan for proof surrounding the text. Unbeknownst to me, my husband came home for lunch and overheard me talking in the bathroom, killing my chance to play things out. Of course, he very convincingly denied everything, and was even willing to call the number.
Yeah, I don’t buy it either. I think he prefers non committal, superficial sex, because he cannot handle intimacy. And, unlike the grandiose narcissist, he is NOT a flirt. He is very handsome, but you would never, ever find him inappropriately flirting with another woman, so it’s very weird.
So, all the pieces of the “Covert Narcissist” are coming together….

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Alexis says August 21, 2018

Interesting article and spot on. I just read your other article about the Cerebral Narc. also spot on.
They truly believe they are smarter than every single person they know. And they use sex to control you. Yes.

I was married to one of these creatures for several years, and the sex at first was good. Then along with the hours in the man cave away from me, the sex dwindled and then stopped. Tried getting books on sexless marriages, to no avail. I caught him not just looking at porn, but adolescent porn. Counseling did nothing.

I stayed for many reason for longer than I should have. But I will tell you this, after having several of these creatures in my life, I have finally broken myself of the habit/addiction. Knowledge is power, even though at first it can hurt. I actually had one of the overt narcs call me to go to lunch after 5 years! At that point I was immure to his charms, and out of curiosity went. I sat across the table looking a a very sad, pathetic man who had boi changed one single bit. I know what you say and others say about narcs is true. They will never change. Staying with them is like smoking “hopium”. The arrogance of him thinking that after 5 years, I would still be single and waiting for him to show back up is astounding. He really thought that I would be thrilled to be with him again.
Towards the end of the lunch when he realized I had changed dramatically from the woman he knew 5 years prior, he got visibly angry, and he got up and it was time to go! I think he was pissed off that he had bought me lunch and didn’t get any supply, an realized he wasn’t going to get any.

I walked away feeling a bit weird, but strong. I know then and there I had grown.

And that is really where the gold is. When you realize you are not that woman anymore. And you can smell these creatures coming a mile away now. And that reenforces your self esteem to keep growing and keep rejecting these sick people.

I not only got all the narc men out of my life, I had to end a couple female narc friendships as well as they had become intolerable and abusive. It was really hard and really lonely for quite a long time, but I saw a video put out my Meredith Miller that said sometimes getting rid of all the toxic people in your life IS lonely and you may only be down to one decent person in your life, or may only have a dog. That hit a chord, and I went through a real grieving process, but there is light on the other side. You eventually find new friends, and a sweet dog that is loyal and loving is a lifesaver on those night when all you do is cry.

I know this may sound odd, but on some days for short periods of time, I am actually GRATEFUL for having gone through all the trials with the narcs in my life. I learned a spiritual lesson, and for the first time in my life I was able to heal some of my early childhood wounds. And that is all that matters to me now. Growing and healing. Not that I would wish one of these creatures on anyone, because their abusive manipulation is like walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

But if you can concentrate on yourself and ask “What is the lesson here?” “How have I grown?”
“How do I want to live my life in the future”. “What kind of people will I accept into my life now”?
then you will realize that were it not for the narc, your perspective might have never changed.
That maybe the universe sent him to you to complete some sort of karmic cycle, or to help you heal.

It is my belief that the truly profound things that change you and make you stronger are often paradoxical.

Thank you for all that you do, if each one of us could do what we can, whatever that is, large or small, then together we can help each other and change the world, even if only a small corner of it. Peace to you Kim.

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    Kim Saeed says August 23, 2018

    Thank you for sharing and for your kind praise, Alexis. I, too, am grateful for the painful experiences and have written about it before. It truly is a spiritual lesson and one that can help us shift into higher levels of peace and fulfillment. I am very glad to know you’ve experienced this shift, as well.

    Wishing you all life’s best.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Rita says June 22, 2018

My husband of 16 years is a textbook case as described. He watched porn all the time and said he just enjoyed it. He also said he never got enough sex from me so he had to gratify himself using the porn. He said there was never enough sex between us. I even did the swingers sex, to help him staly interested. ( I never enjoyed it and felt so dirty) Like the article said he was always looking for the next bigger and better sex game. He always had a girl on the side, which he always denied until I showed him proof. I kicked him out to go live with his latest girlfriend, however, he wants to keep us both. I have blamed myself for so long there is not much of me left. I am trying to rebuild my life and move on but its the heardest thing I have had to do. The mental abuse that narcisists put us through is far worse that the physical abuse I received from my first.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says June 23, 2018

    Hi Rita,

    I am sorry for your struggles. I know it’s been difficult for you. Many people like you have gone through similar experiences. The good news is, these are dysfunctional patterns that can be changed and it’s never too late to be happy. I’d like to invite you to join us in my program. You can check it out here.

    It will take some serious discipline and perseverance, but it’s absolutely possible to finally break free and begin to heal from all of this.

    Kim

    Reply
Linda says May 7, 2018

Interesting article, makes complete sense now. Never able to achieve orgasm… watched porn ALONE, blamed me for his shortcomingss

Reply
    David DeMars says June 7, 2018

    You are worth more than to let your lover watch porn alone, I’m sorry.

    Reply
Just me says April 11, 2018

Hi I read your words, it is so sad. I feel your pain. It is so hurtful in so many levels. I am a strong person but this is
Emotionally draining I leave broken ugly sad unloved. I use to cry now I have no more tears left. I tried just
Letting him do is own like . As long as I keep quiet he is happy. My needs are meaningless. I go like 8 9 months with sex while he pleases himself right as soon as I leave a room turn my back leave the bed or shower. It is the
Most damaging thing I ever felt.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says April 11, 2018

    Oh my goodness. You deserve much better. I hope you find a way to leave…

    Kim

    Reply
5 Cruel Ways You'll Feel Destroyed by the Polyamorous Narcissist - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says April 7, 2018

[…] not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their partners perpetually […]

Reply
Gary Collier says February 10, 2018

Narcissists and Porn are synonymous. They thrive on kinky to feed their hollow being.

Reply
Kristi says February 8, 2018

This was eye opening and explains so much! I thought his rejection was me but it was really all him. Doesn’t fix anything but now I know.

Reply
Shanda says December 17, 2017

I was in a 4 year relationship with a narcissit who was addicted to porn. I was sexually, verbally, financially and emotionally abused on a daily basis. I had a relapse of an eating disorder which I was hospitaled for 5 months after he discarded me like trash. I was brainwashed into beilving I was nothing, no one would ever love me and I tried to commit sucide. This form of abuse is extremely serious, should be more awareness. Im destitute, a shell of the person
I was and hes walking the streets free to do this to anyone else he wants at anytime. Thats hard to live with when your trying to rebuild your life. Thank you for your articles. They are very helpful.

Reply
Help! My Narcissistic Partner Won’t Stop Watching Porn! - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says October 17, 2017

[…] think about).  If you are single and watch porn, you may want to consider that you could develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Consequently, there is the possibility that you wouldn’t be able to perform when you […]

Reply
Numpty Narcissists – 4 Signs Your Disordered Partner is a Nitwit with Nary a Clue - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says October 16, 2017

[…] one breaking up the family…they are.  You’re not insecure and jealous if you discovered their porn addiction and sexts to the new employee at their work.  You aren’t “bipolar” because of your emotional […]

Reply
michelle vasquez says September 1, 2017

Oh my gosh, this totally describes my bf of ten years. I never knew what narcissist meant until recently. I thought he was bi-polar, but I believe he’s both actually. Thanks so much for teaching me something new. Great info.

Reply
    David DeMars says June 7, 2018

    He most likely has Borderline Personality Disorder. Most common misdiagnosis is bipolar. BPD also has narcissism.

    Reply
Narcissists and the Sex Agenda - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says June 7, 2017

[…] male Somatic Narcissist has been fapping for so long due to their porn addiction, that they develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Subsequently, they blame their unsuspecting partner for their inability to perform; instilling […]

Reply
Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam - Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says May 20, 2017

[…] a threesome with another girl. Other people do it all the time, just like everyone in the world is addicted to porn.  Why can’t you stop being a prude?  In fact, his last girlfriend went on Craigslist and found […]

Reply
Laurie says October 12, 2016

Oh my gosh finally I don’t feel like the crazy one! I have told my X narcissist this from day 1 of our relationship. I said this an cheating are deal breakers! All these things I said to him an little by little some how he still brought these things in our life until I was the bad one .I was told yes he would rather watch porn an screw himself than me.Because either I was 2 fat or 2 this or that!

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    Kim Saeed says October 12, 2016

    Hi Laurie, thank you for sharing…and thank goodness it seems you’re no longer with this guy. I know it was painful, but at least now you have the power and insight to let the next one eat your dust should he even dare to mention porn to you 🙂 As long as you maintain your boundaries and show up as your own best friend, this situation will never happen to you again. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
Refined glow says August 21, 2016

Interesting article!

My ex N was addicted to porn at a very young age & we had a lot of trouble he would watch porn while we were doing it or just after it made me feel disgusted and bad about myself. When I got suspicious of him cheating on me I open his email and found an absurd amount of subscriptions in dating and porn websites, including a lot of emails with video attachments of naked women and other facebook accounts where he was trying to get more victims.
In my case he wasn’t the type of not wanting to have sex on the contrary he wanted to do it all the time and he felt good when he could make sex last long it was like a goal for him, only when he was cheating on me he would come with some excuse like I feel bad about doing it because of my religion.

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    TANE Trujillo says January 15, 2017

    OH man I’m so grateful that I decided to test to see if my husband were a narcisist as my gut told me was and I also had a hunch about porn addiction my guts were right he tried to convince my I was jealous and insecure and crazy I knew I wasn’t inside but he lied so much and if I caught him still deny it it pissed me off cuz I he still lie Man it is frustrating to be lied to and they know ur not stupid He cheats porn SORRS web sex and I caught him still lies . It’s so frustrating but I feel so much better that I had validation for my feelings thank you all who have been down this road . I’m not insecure he is love TANE Trujillo

    Reply
Chris says August 20, 2016

I know my X Husband’s narcissism was born out of childhood sexual trauma by a psychotic foster brother. In order to cope he normalized and searched for ever more degrading porn. His “kinks” were not cute and fun. Then he used the “secret” of his experience to manipulate and extract all sorts of things from his parents. He still does at age 50.He is entitled to everything they have because they didn”t protect him. thankfully our marriage was over in 5 years. His family has to put up with “the monster they created”(his actual words) forever. My point I guess is the closed circuit creation of trauma and porn along with those who profit from it is tragic, really.

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It's all about you . Com says November 18, 2015

My husband of 6 years was out late always “to work at the office ” caught him got the credit card bill porn porn porn I have been lied to for years …. Our lack of sex .. Blamed on me … When I beged for sex my fault or I am tired or my sex drive is lower now I am older (in his 40’s) never ever went down on me ever he said I don’t like to do that. I had a meddling friend that used to cause trouble that told me like the week I was to get married his business partner told her he is a porn addict don’t marry him ……. I did thinking she was making trouble ….. Well now I am countiplatimg divorce ….. Omg this sux the lies the mistrust the self esteem issues are HUGE right now I am seeking councling does any one stay married to this issue or this person ? Lost and PISSED off

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    D says February 28, 2017

    It’s ok to run! Go to counseling, but leaving is the only way to make it stop!

    Reply
nornirongirl says August 22, 2015

Reblogged this on nornirongirl.

Reply
5 Narcissistic Abuse Hacks – A Cheat Sheet for Decoding the Top Narcissistic Manipulations | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says June 23, 2015

[…] Narc-Hack – The reality is that cheating and watching porn are the average narcissist’s favorite things to do[1].  I’ve been working with narcissistic abuse victims for almost two years, and even those who look like models are cheated on, lied to, and experience the humiliation of their partner’s PIED. […]

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Anonymous says June 8, 2015

I totally agree with most of this article except for the sentence about the “older couple” using porn to spice things up. I would delete that because it completely negates all the rest of the article. As an older woman who discovered her partner had a secret porn habit, I was not thrilled nor “spiced up”. I am furious for ethical reasons for starters.

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    Kim Saeed says June 13, 2015

    Anon, I understand where you’re coming from, but if an older couple watches it together, then there is typically no secret habit going on behind the scenes. The whole point of my article emphasizes the deception and secrecy of one partner who does this without his partner’s knowledge, not when the random older couple does it as a joint activity.

    Reply
Mary E says May 27, 2015

Wow, Kim, what a great article! I found out quite by accident about my Ns porn addiction. This was after we had been engaged and together for 6 years. He had been telling me all along that he was “asexual” . According to Lundy Bancroft. ……he was telling the truth. I chalked it up to chronic sinusitis and felt sorry for him. I was shocked, felt betrayed and thought maybe, being older, was just not attractive enough. I pretty much opened Pandora’s Box or Bluebeard’s Castle while googling for “drought” on the cellphone and found “red-headed. ….”. I sent him to SA and he came back with the info that they are required to be celibate. Anyhow, at this point I feel that if he wants to wank, let him wank. What it is, is a very immature stage of development…..as is Narcissism IMO. I did not cause it, I cannot control it nor cure it. The article helps me to detach. Well done!

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Anonymous says May 12, 2015

Hi Kim, wow its amazing the enormity of experiences of others being with a narc is both fascinating and saddening. I had been a sucker for a malignant narcissistic sick porn addict/sadistic selfish nasty piece of a misogynistic loser for 6years…since my breakup/escape would be more fitting word.. I’ve learned to love me more and not tolerate loser men who are literally wankers/jerk offs.

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Sigmund Freud says April 21, 2015

I’d like to see some hard data and scientific empirical evidence behind your claims. Such as, footnotes, quotes, and where to obtain your statistical theory. For now…,that is all you have….theory. Woe to the narcissist whom claims there view is the only view. Sounds like you may be writing your own agenda here and wishing ED on men you feel are sexualizi g outside of the bedroom. Remember it’s fantasy not reality. A narcissistic person would rather film and watch their own selves. Kinda like writing a subjective article with no therapeutic credentials to have others praise yourself

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    Kim Saeed says April 21, 2015

    Dear Mr. Freud,

    That’s a bit nervy of you…coming here and screaming fraud when you haven’t presented your own scientific evidence AGAINST this particular concept. A quick Google search will provide many reliable sources that will demonstrate that too much porn does indeed cause ED. To make things easy for you, I am offering this link so you can check out the data presented by an educator in anatomy & physiology (he provides numerous resources such as expert testimonies and scientific studies): http://yourbrainonporn.com/erectile-dysfunction-and-porn.

    However, if you’re not interested in any of that and want to find justification for one to continue their little porn habit, I’m sure you can find that, too. Oh, and I feel moved to point out that you made a grammatical mistake in your comment, “there view” should be “their view”.

    Thanks a bunch, though, for stopping by.

    Reply
      Vanessa says April 22, 2015

      To Sigmund Freud and just the fact that you call yourself that indicates to me that you are attempting to big note yourself. What do you care what others think about your habit if you think nothing is wrong with it. Stop trying to justify, that in you own mind that you are unable to. Fix yourself before you attack others. End of story.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says April 22, 2015

        Precisely, Vanessa (thank you for your support, btw). I’m trying to remain open to the possibility that Mr. Freud is stuck in his namesake’s phallic stage. (.﹒︣︿﹒︣.)

        Reply
    David DeMars says June 7, 2018

    And your real name is Sigmund Freud who can tell us all what a narcissist does. We don’t listen to you, we study you. We don’t react to rudeness, we observe it. God forbid you look anything up yourself, see a Doctor, include yourself in any kind of discussion. No, blame others for your problems has seemed to work for you so far.

    Reply
Narcissists and the “Let’s Be Friends” Scam | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says April 13, 2015

[…] a threesome with another girl. Other people do it all the time, just like everyone in the world is addicted to porn.  Why can’t you stop being a prude?  In fact, his last girlfriend went on Craigslist and found […]

Reply
Mary says January 29, 2015

Oh good grief that happened to me as well. Towards the end of our “relationship” my narc started watching porn while we were having sex. Later on he couldn’t finish the job. Now I know why. Boy, I’m really starting to feel sorry for the new girl he has. She has inherited a real big mess of a man. Alcoholic, porn, multiple relationships, a self professed gigilo, (sp)? He confessed he had sex with the bank presidents wife (where he had a loan) and flaunted that in the guy’s face….what a piece of work. One of these days I’ll compile the big list of stories and put them on here, just so we can all compare notes…and learn to run for the hills if we EVER deal with this type of person again!

Reply
    Kim Saeed says January 29, 2015

    Please do, Mary! I’d love for you to submit a guest post 🙂 Education is crucial!

    Reply
      Mary says January 29, 2015

      Kim, I will. And I will be detailed. Where do I go to write a guest post please?

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says January 29, 2015

        You can email it to me at [email protected]…just be sure to let me know if you want it to be anonymous, or list you as the author 🙂

        Reply
          Mary says January 29, 2015

          You can post me as Mary, I have nothing to hide, and maybe someone else who has dealt with this man will recognize him and understand. Let me get my thoughts together and i will send this. These people need to be stopped before they destroy more lives. Thank you Kim!

          Reply
Help! My Narcissistic Partner Won’t Stop Watching Porn! | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says January 15, 2015

[…] If you are single and watch porn, you may want to consider stopping because you could develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Consequently, there could be the likelihood that you wouldn’t be able to perform when you […]

Reply
Numpty Narcissists – 4 Signs Your Disordered Partner is a Nitwit with Nary a Clue | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says October 5, 2014

[…] breaking up the family…they are.  You’re not insecure and jealous if you’ve discovered their porn addiction and sexts to the new secretary at work.  You aren’t “bipolar” because of your emotional […]

Reply
sexual reboot says September 15, 2014

Great post. I think we will see a the percentage of porn addicts steadily increase for the next few years until Porn-Induced ED becomes more mainstream.
I run a forum on the subject and I’m seeing the age of sufferers being younger and younger every year, with some 15 year olds being addicted to porn.

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    Kim Saeed says September 15, 2014

    Thank you for sharing! From my research, it does seem to be a growing epidemic, and society, in general, doesn’t appear to be aware of it.

    Gosh, how sad regarding some addicts being as young as fifteen. I have to wonder if this may negatively affect the population on a large scale over the long term…

    Reply
Poncho says September 6, 2014

My soon to be ex-narc has an extensive porn collection…of him and all of his ex-girlfriends. Yes all of them. I also caught him on dating sites and trying to contact other women. We even went to a party at one of his ex’s in San Diego where I got a really weird vibe from her…later that night after I went to sleep I woke up and caught him in her room in his underwear. Turns out she’d been the one he’d been confiding to about how “crazy and unstable” I was. She looked so smug when I caught them….and she’s married too! Husband is navy and was at sea! He swore he’d never talk to her again but not days after we got back from that trip she had sent him a photo of her self with wet hair (one of his fetishes). I forced him to unfriend and block her but he then started locking his computer after that when previously he would let me on it anytime I wanted. He also prevented me from seeing his friends list on Facebook, barring mutual friends, so for all I know he was still friends with her anyway.

LOL the reason we are getting divorced is not even his porn habit…his mommy wants to be the only woman in his life and felt very threatened by me. She finally succeeded in breaking us up. She can have him!

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Narcissists and the Sex Agenda | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says September 5, 2014

[…] male Somatic Narcissist has been fapping for so long due to their porn addiction, that they develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Subsequently, they blame their unsuspecting partner for their inability to perform; instilling […]

Reply
Anonymous says September 4, 2014

Im pretty sure im involved with a narcissist person but he doesnt fit this description at all. Yes he addicted to porn but whenever we have sex, there is no sign of dysfunction at all…in fact he wants me to act out the scenes in the porn which are somewhat degrading to women…The only thing I do notice sometimes is his eyes are shut so tightly and Im not so sure he even knows Im in the room. Also afterwards there is little intimacy , he turns his back to me but allows me to cuddle with him only by spooning

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    Kim Saeed says September 4, 2014

    Someone,

    This article doesn’t cover all Narcissists, though there are many of them who can’t perform due to the reasons listed within.

    There are other forms of “dysfunction” when it comes to Narcissists. Some will withhold sex as a form of punishment or to make their partner feel undesirable (often, both).

    Yet others like to engage in degrading acts and encourage their partner to join them. Usually things their partner would never even consider otherwise. It’s another insidious form of degrading/devaluing.

    Lastly, others are very skilled lovers. It’s one of the tools they use to keep their targets hooked.

    Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
      Mary Elizabeth says August 20, 2015

      Hi kim visual porn also portrays the image of a female who is cosmetically enhanced dosnt have an opinion dosnt resemble real women and everyday life and issues basically is an other way of enhancing the delusional personality of the narc while the real relationship falls apart due to sexual rejection and controle . A cat toying with a mouse comes to mind .

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says August 20, 2015

        Great input, Mary Elizabeth…

        Reply
Narcissistic Supply, Bad Faith, and Insurance Against Loneliness | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says September 3, 2014

[…] Narcissists, Porn, and Sexual Dysfunction […]

Reply
Persia Karema says August 25, 2014

Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
“Narcissists are generally exhibitionists and sex is just another method of getting attention and admiration.” ~ Kim Saeed at Let Me Reach

Reply
The Narcissist, the Ex, and the New Girlfriend – The Art of Triangulation | Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed says August 10, 2014

[…] not enough that most Narcissists are porn addicts and are constantly busted for surfing online dating sites, but they keep their Ex and the new […]

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merryjoy1 says August 8, 2014

Thank you, thank you, & again Thank You for this post. My Narc was impotent for quite some time before we were divorced. Viagra, & others would not work. It takes you through many emotions wondering why if impotent he would continue the porn & strip clubs. What is worse is when you are not out of shape (look younger than age) & was not the type to turn down sex. Then he was the one who how you say, had no clue how to satisfy in any way, shape or form. My ex worked out of the home so his porn was always available & it was so degrading knowing he is on ‘one of his many sites’ while you walk into room. His job also allowed him to take clients to strip clubs which added to the addiction. So glad to see this post. It really helps knowing that like with all the other problems the Narcs cause, this is another that is their fault/problem, not ours!

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    Kim Saeed says August 9, 2014

    Merryjoy1,

    Thank you very much for sharing your story.

    This particular post has gotten a lot of positive feedback on here, on my Facebook page, and has been shared on several forums.

    We all read about the emotional and financial abuse that so often occurs with these Narcs, but not much is spoken about the sexual abuse with the exception of their withholding sex. In hindsight, a lot of that withholding may have to due with the inability to perform…though they love to blame it on their unsuspecting partner.

    Very glad to know the article helped you <3

    Reply
Ness says August 7, 2014

Excellent post. Somebody else commented here that we often talk about the mental and emotional abuse and in my case also physical abuse but don’t discuss the sexual aspect of what we have experienced. It seems to be a taboo subject. My x N was on many dating sites that he played down as not interested and too hard to get off them.
He works in IT! Accepted and forgave. Then I would see pop ups of 20 year olds he had been communicating sexually with. There was also porn and then pretty quickly other women on the side, which I didn’t find out about until later. We also had a good sex life at the time. I did feel that we never really had an intimate emotional connection and it was all about the sexual act. Without going into details about a year down the track in our relationship I had to work extremely hard to have him reach any fulfilling end! He would often say that he wasn’t sensitive enough or that his drinking had affected him. He would demand sex when he wanted and even if I was physically sick or tired after work it didn’t matter and I was expected to work for close to a couple of hours sometimes to please him! It became a chore and an expectation. On the odd occasion when I didn’t feel like sex he would keep me up for hours sulking until I gave in. He also used Viagra. This article is so enlightening as it is the first that I have read on the topic. I am out of the relationship now, however he still tries to contact me even though now apparently he has found the love of his life that far exceeds what I could ever offer him! The final nail on the coffin of my self esteem was the devalue of my body. They certainly like to project their inadequacies onto you and cut you down as to build themselves up. God, so angry sometimes at myself that I put up with this crap in my life for so long. I have met someone recently and it is very new, but the difference in behaviour from an emotionally mature man has really opened my eyes to what I have endured. No wonder our self esteem is damaged by the time we finally find the courage to leave.

Reply
    Sam says June 1, 2015

    The high incidence of male circumcision in this country has a lot to do with the desensitization and factor that with porn addiction, and you have ED and sexual dysfunction.

    Reply
Elias Cresh’s Sex Myths | Elias Cresh says August 7, 2014

[…] Narcissists, Porn, and Sexual Dysfunction […]

Reply
aurora says August 7, 2014

Kim, this was a timely reminder for me of all the dysfunction I endured in my experience with a narcissist. He was trying to groom me into watching short videos to start, and then began trying to encourage me to participate in things I really wasn’t comfortable with. Thankfully for me I was able to find some internal compass to refuse. He borrowed my computer one time when he was off on one of his punishing silent treatments, and when I got it back, I found all these demeaning, ugly websites related to pornography he had been accessing. Indeed, looking back I started to feel totally dehumanised remembering the times in the past when we had been intimate, and this further increased my shame, self doubt and a sense of being repulsed. This person was on a range of dating sites, the ones where you skype or whatever and have ‘virtual’ sex. It was a whole world I had never been exposed too, and once I got over my initial revulsion of his interest in these sites, I also began to get really angry at the dehumanisation of women in these sites, and how this ultimately represents how narcissists see their partners and people in general. Simply as ‘things’ to be ‘used’ for ‘pleasure’, ‘control’, ‘mastery’ etc etc. These are damaged people who do almost inconcievable damage to their unsuspecting victims. It took me a long time to get my head around how I had taken the slippery slope into some of these behaviours being ‘normalised’ – not only in my personal experience, but in the everyday way women are portrayed in the media. Great article, thank you.

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    Kim Saeed says August 9, 2014

    Thank you for sharing, Aurora.

    Reply
KarinKateriKei says August 6, 2014

Very well written and certainly true in my experience. So many personal anecdotes that come to mind but ultimately, reading this and beginning a relationship with a normal partner is helping greatly to heal the pyschological damage to my sexual self esteem.
I am hugely relieved that I found out AFTER I made the break from him. I can’t imagine the devastation if I’d still been with the Narc.

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Torn 2 Peaces says August 6, 2014

I was so naïve, I did not realize my husband at the time was watching porn. He was always pushing me away, rejecting me unless I was thinking of leaving — then he became Mr. Seducer. When we divorced and his computer was turned over to a forensic expert trying to obtain his financial statements and evidence of his affair not only was porn found, but live streaming, bestiality, and worse — underage porn. His computer was turned over to the DAs office with a statement, the evidence and paper trail disappeared in the DAs office. The assistant DA at the time was my ex’s business partner’s son-in-law… He got physical custody of my teen daughter and has completely alienated her from the family. She has been acting out since the sixth grade. She has worshipped her dad since she was little — he was very possessive of her. Looking back, he makes me sick, & I have nightmares. He is such a pathetic, impotent predator. I also found Viagra at his business where he watched the porn in his real estate school.

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Laura says August 5, 2014

Is it the norm for these types to have sex with the same sex and look at gay porn

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    Kim Saeed says August 9, 2014

    Laura, I’m not sure it’s the norm, but I do know that some Narcissists are latent (not yet outed) homosexuals, especially the cerebral types.

    Reply
Anonymous says August 5, 2014

So is it normal for these narcs to have same sex attraction and to act on it and look at gay porn over and over again or is this a separate issue altogether

Reply
vckhs7 says August 5, 2014

Reblogged this on vckhs7.

Reply
Elaine says August 5, 2014

Rings so true. After 10 years with an NPD I wondered why I tolerated so much dysfunction. My psychologist acknowledged that I knew more about the disorder than he did, yet I subjected myself to emotional and psychological torture.
Blamed myself for his sexual problems knowing full well it was porn and masterbatory all along. He was a classic case.
Thanks for acknowledging what I knew was true but did not want to believe.

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Elaine, according to the forums on FB, many women have taken the brunt of their partner’s dysfunction, when it was related to porn all along.

    I’m very glad to know that my article gave you some well-deserved perspective <3

    Reply
Diane Dolan says August 5, 2014

So happy with your posts. Very clarifying and
Necessary for all of us at different stages of recovery
I look so forward to reading this information to understand and hopefully
Educate others.

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Thank you, Diane. Another thing to add to the list of red flags in a new relationship when trying to avoid being targeted by another Narcissist!

    Reply
1smiles says August 5, 2014

With every blog you post Kim, you expose yet another layer to the Narc Abuse I experienced. Thank you for shining the light.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Thank you for sharing that, 1smiles! I’m glad to know I helped you in some small way >3

    Reply
The Other Side of Ugly - Letters to Humanity says August 5, 2014

Very well written and I hope it helps many who struggle with this.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Thank you! <3

    Reply
Elisabeth says August 5, 2014

One of the reasons I left my partner was because I could see in his internet history and saw the sites he was on (daddy loves his teenage girl ). It made me feel sick. The stupid thing was, we didn’t have a bad sexual life. So for me it was a shock. I never turned him down. But he turned me down by looking at this kind of things.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Thank you for sharing that, Elisabeth. Porn often does change the dynamic of romantic relationships, and usually not in a good way…

    Reply
Stephen Bach says August 5, 2014

Hi Kim,

I think you offer some excellent insights on the damage that porn can do in a relationship. I can only imagine how damaging it can be for a woman in a relationship to be told that she is inadequate because she doesn’t look like a 23 yr old porn star, or that because she’s ‘boring’ in bed. It’s projection at it’s finest: Blaming the other person for the narcissist’s issues.

I’d like to offer a slightly different slant if I may on the porn issue: The real root of the problem is, in my opinion, the masturbation that accompanies the porn. Porn is purely a vehicle for arousal. Porn creates a fantasy of sexual experience that is often not realistic. As you said, someone drawn to porn will place themselves in that fantasy and through masturbation gain the affirmation of dopamine that can lead to addiction, making other (normal) types of sexual endeavors seem less fulfilling.

I would like to venture that this is not purely a male issue. There are women with a nightstand full of toys that are utilized in a similar fashion to the way a man would masturbate to porn. The list of reasons you presented regarding how porn can lead to ED is also true for a woman whose favorite sex partner is a vibrating piece of silicone and finds other sexual experiences seem less fulfilling.

Stephen Bach

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    Anna says August 5, 2014

    I’m sure this is true, Stephen. I know there are tons of porn addicted women out there, too. Our society is focused away from relating to other people and toward relating to “things” – sex toys and computers included. That’s sad. It’s all part of the phenomenon that causes us to stay inside and watch TV at night instead of sitting on the stoop and talking to our neighbors.

    Even the 23 year old porn star doesn’t look like herself. I saw a gallery once of porn stars before and after makeup. Before, they were pretty young ladies – after, vixens. Funny.

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      Stephen Bach says August 5, 2014

      I agree. The world is a very changed place in a relatively short period of time. It seems to becoming more common that people will literally refuse to interact unless some sort of screen is involved. I know of several younger women that I have met that have told me that they will not answer or return phone calls and will only respond to text messages. It’s ironic how the world is becoming more and more crowded and yet it’s residents are more and more isolated from each other.

      I can believe that many porn stars look pretty average without the vixen makeup, but I would imagine the same can be said for just about any screen star, not just porn.

      Stephen Bach

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Stephen,

    You’re absolutely right. The dysfunction comes from the masturbation that accompanies the viewing of porn. In abusive relationships, the abuser will blame their partner for his or her inability to become aroused in intimate situations.

    #2 is also very true. In the research I did before writhing this article, the issue of women’s use of vibrators (and other toys) having a detrimental effect also came up a few times.

    To each his own, but there is a real epidemic happening, especially in the younger generation, many of whom have become addicted to porn before experiencing a real relationship with a human being, and then cannot do so because of the porn-induced ED, or desensitization which happens with females.

    Thank you for stopping by and for commenting 🙂

    Kim

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Great call, Phill! Thanks for stopping by and for sharing 🙂

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      Phill Ferreira says August 5, 2014

      It’s a pleasure Kim as always 🙂

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Phill Ferreira says August 5, 2014

Hi Kim , good post , as you know I have a 2 hour phycologist report done at the airport to say I am a Narcissists , I don’t watch porn as I find it stupid to be honest , I stopped having sex with my ex as I found her gorse and offence for the way she spoke to me daily for 5 years , so I guess it’s not a one rule fits all , I have been single for 18 months and have not been with a other person as life is not just about sex always when you are dealing with more serious issues 🙂

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lyn says August 5, 2014

Thank you for bringing this subject up. Porn aside, I think that we so often talk about the verbal and emotional abuse that we experienced, but not always the sexual abuse. We do anything to please the partner we “love” and who “loves” us back, right? Like every other one of his abusive patterns, there was a pattern to the sexual abuse, and if it stemmed from porn or not, he took pleasure in humiliating me.

Thank you for the post.

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    You’re absolutely right, Lyn. Narcissists also withhold affection as means of control and degradation. They get a sadistic delight from making their partner(s) feel less than desirable, in spite of said partner’s efforts to prove otherwise.

    Thank you for stopping by and for commenting 🙂

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    nornirongirl says August 22, 2015

    thank you for this posting. Yes ..it’s harder to talk about the intimate, sexual side of a narc relationship. Ultimate narc power tool.

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kimberlyharding says August 5, 2014

good posting. I like that you make it clear it is not for/against porn. But is instead written to help traumatized partners. really nice job.

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    Thanks, Kimberly!

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Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

Thank you so much for commenting and sharing, Anna…

I agree with the humanitarian challenges presented by porn. Especially for future generations because if porn-induced ED continues to rise, what does that say for the world’s population (in places that have access), and for future relationships as they relate to the family unit and/or relationship stability? Does that open the door for more artificial inseminations? What does it say about human interactions in general since porn addicts tend to stay home more due to being undermotivated? Will there be whole segments of society becoming detached from the human race as they rely more and more on instant access to porn (and other entertainment, for that matter)…

Doesn’t seem too promising :(…and I have to wonder about Big Pharma’s role in all of this.

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    Anna says August 5, 2014

    True – hadn’t thought of that! Big pharma must be happy right now…oh, have a problem with ED due to all your porn watching, just take our new (harmful) medication! When I was a kid, “porn” was dad’s Playboy magazine or maybe some movie shown at a theatre on the bad side of town. Those movies are probably tame by today’s standards. From what I hear, porn is now much more violent and goes out of it’s way to shock and degrade. It scares me to think what effect this is going to have on future generations. I had kind of hoped men would grow more enlightened but if they get their ideas of what women are like from this kind of stuff, then maybe not.

    I think one effect may be more women dating women. When I divorce, if all I can find is porn addicted men who expect me to do gross, degrading things, I will just date girls. I like them anyway (I am bisexual – which in our porn-addled culture still screams “girl on girl!!” but I am emotionally attracted to both men and women). Maybe more women will start to be bi or gay as our men disappear behind the screens of computers, watching caricatures of us and what we cannot be.

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      Stephen Bach says August 5, 2014

      Hi Anna,

      A few thoughts if I may:

      All men aren’t porn addicted narcissists. The key is to be patient and picky until the right man comes along.

      I would submit that dating women has just as many pitfalls and tribulations as dating men. This I know from my own experiences. There are many broken people out there, both male and female. Classifying ‘broken’ as a gender issue, is, in my opinion, not looking at the entire context.

      Stephen Bach

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Anna says August 5, 2014

I’m so glad you wrote this article, Kim. For me, porn is definitely a humanitarian issue. I am a feminist and I consider even so-called “consensual” participation in porn to be abuse and degradation of women. I could never love a person who enjoys watching the suffering of another living being. I suppose I could enjoy “erotica” in the form of either written stories or movies during which it’s clear that both partners are truly enjoying the experience. However, today’s porn is so skewed toward abuse and degradation – pushing the limits and seeing how much abuse a person can take, how extreme “sex” can be. It is disgusting, uncreative, a humongous turn-off to me.

Also, my narc is/was a porn addict. He admitted to me that he used to watch porn all the time AFTER I married him or else I don’t think I would’ve married him. I always told myself that I’d never be with a porn addict – but again, it’s pushing the limits and accepting more and more to be with the person (accepting things you thought you never would, etc.). I imagine he watches it now because he uses anonymous browsers and always scrubs the internet history off the computer. I don’t care anymore because I don’t love him nor do I desire him so there is no jealousy, but it still disgusts me.

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theinfiniterally says August 5, 2014

Good article. I agree with you completely on the dangers of porn.
However, I do take issue with some loose implications that some people might take away.

1. Although you go to the trouble to point out that “not all porn addicts are Narcissists, but a high percentage of Narcissists are addicted to porn,” I am not sure this point is stressed strongly enough.

2. I think, too, it is important to point out the difference between someone who uses porn by choice and someone who is ‘addicted.’

If I had to venture a guess, I would guess that not only are not ALL porn addicts narcissists, probably MOST porn addicts are not narcissists. It may even be probable that many or even most male (straight or gay) victims of narcissists trapped in a relationship with an abusive and neglectful narcissist (either female or male) become addicted to porn (or drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc) themselves. It may be hard to believe, but many men are not aware of or do not believe that trafficking and abuse are intimately tied to almost all kinds of porn. There has been a push in our entertainment culture over the past twenty years to condone and normalize pornography; therefore, I think it is unfair, and possibly even harmful, to paint the average user of porn, or even porn addict, as an informed participant. Better to raise awareness than to paint with a broad brush.

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    Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

    theinfiniterally,

    The article was really written as a means to help victims of Narcissistic abuse who’ve been degraded and blamed as the cause of their partner’s porn-induced ED, who are told they’re not “pretty enough”, “thin enough”, “desirable enough”, “boring in bed”, etc., when the reality is that the dysfunction is often due to porn addiction.

    The indication that a large percentage of Narcissists are addicted to porn was extracted partly from the following articles: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2014/07/narcissism-porn-use-and-addiction/, http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/06/narcissists-watch-more-internet-porn.html, http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/watching-porn-a-narcissists-first-love/1/369559.html, and others I read that contained medical research, though I do understand that a lot of stuff out there is biased.

    Regarding the difference between using porn by choice and being addicted: Porn by choice may have it’s place, but when it begins to affect intimate relationships because of the oft accompanied masturbation (both men and women), then it becomes a problem on a large scale. I read many articles by urologists stating that today’s epidemic of ED is largely porn-induced, and is very hard to overcome, especially for younger people who never had the chance to form intimate relationships with real partners before becoming addicted to internet porn.

    Thank you for commenting. You raised some very good points!

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      theinfiniterally says August 5, 2014

      I do understand the purpose and I agree wholeheartedly. I applaud your efforts in this instance and in general. Incidentally, I did not mean to say that that porn by choice has a place, only that not all men who choose to look at porn are necessarily addicted. I’m not sure if the distinction is important.

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        Kim Saeed says August 5, 2014

        I don’t really agree with porn myself, but I guess I was trying to remain neutral for those who choose to view it. Aside from personal choice (and freedom to make that choice), I am concerned for our young men and women in this generation because PIED seems to be occurring in record numbers as I write this response…as well as concern for anyone in a relationship that is having to go through this, whether that relationship is abusive or otherwise.

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          theinfiniterally says August 6, 2014

          Good point.

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          theinfiniterally says August 6, 2014

          If you will allow it, I’d like to clarify my initial commentary.

          After some thought, I realize that I reacted to your article because of what I sometimes perceive as the ‘porn-shaming’ of men, the idea that is somehow unnatural or wrong for men to have a very strong attraction to sexual imagery, which I see as a gender-equivalent of the ‘slut-shaming’ of women. It is not wrong or shameful to be attracted to or aroused by sexual imagery, even if/though the ready access of sexual imagery is potentially harmful to both men (and the women who are in relationships with them) and the commercial production of sexual imagery is harmful to women. I understand that was not your intention. I must apologize once more for side-tracking your discussion and also for falsely characterizing your position. I thank you for indulging both my original comment and this further clarification.

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