The Funeral – Burying My Grief

By Kim Saeed | Releasing The Past

Jul 07

July 7, 2013 – 8:25 a.m. – Our past can affect us in different ways, depending on our personality and the unique events that have caused pain.  We find ways to cope, but for many, the pain kind of stays there, underneath the surface, ready to appear at the least expected moments.  We become bound by our past so that living in the now can be a struggle.  Some of us might be able to forget a painful event for long periods of time, only for it to be resurrected by a random trigger.  Others stay stuck in a moment, ruminating over it, re-living it again and again.

One of my events is not spending enough time with my grandparents before they passed.  I was under the controlling influence of a Narcissistic husband whom I would eventually leave.  The fact that I was the only one not present when my grandmother departed has haunted me during the eight years since she passed.  The day before she died, I spent a little time with her in the hospital.  I was anxious and in a hurry to get back home because I didn’t want to upset my husband.  I knew there’d be repercussions if I stayed gone too long.  She looked at me with what I now know was the look of goodbye.  She knew it was the last time I would see her.  I wish I’d known it, too.

On the day of her funeral my ex, upon my returning home, called me a whore.  That’s what Narcissists do.  They catch you at your lowest and kick you while you’re down.  Thus, not only was I not able to fully grieve the passing of my grandmother, I had to deal with someone who was supposed to love me being emotionally abusive.  He desecrated many intimate moments.

Regarding my grandfather, I didn’t see him for months before he left this world.  I had stopped going anywhere because each time I left the house, my ex would harass me by calling an obscene number of times, keeping track of my whereabouts, and accusing me of whoring around.  I was completely cut off from not only my family and friends, but society as well.  I’d basically given up on any idea of a normal life.

I lost valuable time with two of the most important people in my life because I let a toxic emotional predator brainwash me and control my actions.  I cant’ seem to forgive myself for either of these events.

Today, I am going to hold a funeral for these occasions that have caused an immeasurable amount of suffering in my life.  I share this because I think it will help me get past the pain, and also because it may be beneficial to some of you who read this to hold “funerals” for your own painful memories.  I also think that by releasing pain of the past, I can apply the Law of Attraction in a more powerful way because I’ll hopefully be in a higher vibrational field.  If there’s one flaw in the LOA, it’s that there isn’t a clear picture on dealing with hurts of the past.

9:31 a.m. – While writing this post, I stopped to write an apology to my grandparents.  It was emotional.  Through all these years, I’ve grieved not being there before they died, as well as the lost memories I’ll never have the chance to make with them.  Regret is one of the hardest things to recover from.  This apology letter will be buried today.  I think I will go beside the river, tear it into little pieces, and drop it into the water’s cleansing currents.  I’ve created a eulogy…as follows:

Eulogy

You’re a big part of me.  In many ways, you’re just as much a part of me as the color of my eyes and skin.  We’ve been together for a long time.  You’ve influenced my moods, my decisions and my life.  This is hard, but today I am saying goodbye.

I have to let you go so I can move on with my life.  As close as we have been, the fact is, you are holding me back.  I can’t really love, forgive, or be the best I can be unless I say goodbye to you.  I lovingly release you, and thereby give myself permission to forgive myself so I can move on.

Keep in mind, I am saying goodbye to the event, not to the people involved.  That is another matter, and may or may not be appropriate to your specific circumstances.

The time is now 10:15 a.m.  I will update later today with the results of my ceremony.

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(11) comments

Fedora May 14, 2014

That was exactly what happen to me. I had “to make my man pleased” and left my beloved uncle dying. When I received the text about the death, I sat on the stone sobbing out loud. The man left without even holding me or saying anything. That night I called him asking him the questions: “Who are you?” “Whom am I loving?”. The answer was blaming, accusations and words like “whore” etc….His usual blablabla….

That was the night, when a shift happen in me and I decided to leave him. I am at NO CONTACT now (only 3 weeks past), having to answer only the emails related to business (we are colleagues.)

But the turmoil of regret of not to being with the person who loved me dearly is still with me and I don’t know what to do. It is so painful!

Thank you Kim for your site, which I came across just a few days ago. You give me a lot of hope.

With respect,
Fedora

PS. English is not my mother language as I am from Russia

Reply
    Kim Saeed May 18, 2014

    Fedora, thank you for sharing and for reaching out. I am sorry this happened to you, and I can totally relate to how you feel.

    Did you try the ceremony mentioned in my article? It worked wonders for me. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. I believe your Uncle knows what you went through and forgives you. You only need to forgive yourself…

    I am very glad to know that my site has been helpful to you, Fedora. Thank you so much for stopping by and for commenting.

    P.S. – I never would have known English is not your first language 🙂

    Reply
Catalina MaGoo April 26, 2014

We give these dolts way to much importance … We cant stop thinking about them …We just need to read the scripture in 2 TIM 3 …. Saying to turn away from these lovers of thereselves not having natural affections. DO NOT GIVE LOVE TO THEM! but to the LORD. He is love. For this chapter I read it and wrote it in my diary so I do not think on the Usurper of My Soul.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 26, 2014

    That’s great, Catalina.

    I have a few articles here on what the Bible says about Narcissists…

    Reply
Heather March 29, 2014

“That’s what Narcissists do. They catch you at your lowest and see if they can up the ante.”
That was what was so hard to deal with — they kick you over and over again until you are lying on the ground haven completely given up, having the flown the white flag of surrender. As they stand over you, looking down at your defeated, crumpled, sobbing body, they go in for more attacks. How could ANYONE do that, nevermind someone who ‘supposedly’ loved you. But as we now know, they never loved you. But I wouldn’t do that to anyone! If I was watching someone sob, completely demolished, I would either comfort them or if I couldn’t, I would at least leave them be. Thanks for explaining that which has puzzled me for a long, long time.

Reply
    Kim Saeed March 31, 2014

    Thanks for your comment, Heather. it’s true, they really have no compassion. I remember once fainting from the sheer brutal force of the words that came from my Ex’s mouth.

    If I had to do it over again, I would have left him that day and never looked back. By then he was already hooking me in by playing on my insecurities and creating the sick exchange where I would try to prove my worth. Makes me a little nauseated just thinking about it.

    Reply

[…] you will not get closure from your Ex.  You must do that for yourself.  And while it seems he still holds your self-esteem in a rusty, molded, rickety box, it’s just […]

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[…]  I gave up trying to make sense of the madness.  I gave up trying to figure out what I could have done differently, because I did everything I could.  I stopped obsessing about all the things he did to me.  I just let it all go.  Some of it was a conscious choice; part of it was through symbolic actions.   […]

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Raise Your Vibration and Cut the Energy Ties with Your Narcissistic Abuser | Kim Raya's Let Me Reach November 9, 2013

[…] for individual events is most effective because it provides specific closure where it’s needed.  I posted a blog back in the summer that details specifics for this occasion.  I also detailed my emotions […]

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Winky July 8, 2013

: )

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[…] stated in my previous post, The Tell-Tale Diaries – Entry One – The Funeral, I planned a funeral for the memory of not being there when my grandparents passed away.  I wrote […]

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