What Happens When You Discard the Narcissist…Instead of the Other Way Around

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Nov 01

The internet is full of heart-wrenching stories of women and men who were love-bombed, courted, and made to feel special by their partner.  Until one day, they realized they were in the web of a deceitful, heartless narcissist.  They were unceremoniously devalued and discarded and left to make sense of the shrapnel amid the wasteland of what they thought was true love.  Of course, that’s after their soul has been sucked out by the arachnid they considered their lover.

Sometimes, however, victims of narcissistic abuse make the decision to leave first.  This typically generates a completely different outcome.  Since life and love are a game to narcissists, they cannot tolerate being the one to be deserted first.  It’s all about winning to them.  If you leave them first, be ready for psychopathy on steroids.

I left my Ex two years ago.  To date, I am still being stalked, monitored, and spied on.  He has installed spyware on my cell phone and, I suspect, my laptop, as well. After a couple of factory resets, he still has insider knowledge of some of my most private conversations.  I must constantly be aware of my surroundings.  He knows when I leave and arrive to my apartment.  He’s even shown up beside me on the highway, numerous times.

I have primary physical custody of our son, with my Ex having visitation on the weekends.  Recently, he resolved to call my home phone ten to fifteen times in a row every day(after a long period of not calling), show up in the parking lot of the apartment complex where I live (unannounced), and also invite himself over when I’m alone working from home.  In all honesty, he stalked me while we were married, as well.

Narcissists typically have other lovers waiting in the wings, so they assume other people are the same.  Therefore, every innocent interaction you have with another human can be misconstrued as a secret love affair, whether it be a male or female.  My Ex once made the comment that he didn’t agree to our divorce (although he signed all the papers), and therefore, I was cheating on him…a ludicrous accusation, considering that up to that point, I’d only been working and taking care of my children.

Did you recently visit your good friend of fifteen years?  You must be having an affair with their teenage offspring.  Did you give five dollars to the Salvation Army bell ringer?  You must be banging them on the side.  A narcissist will see the most innocent activity as something dirty and sex-driven, because that’s what they participate in themselves.

Narcissists have no boundaries, civil or otherwise.  This explains why they don’t blink an eye when violating verbal agreements or court orders.  They know exactly where the proverbial line is drawn and stand with the tips of their toes over it.

Yesterday, I spent most of the day in Juvenile Relations and Civil court, filing a preliminary protective order.  He and certain members of his family believe they are above the law.  The order is only good for 15 days, and then I have to present my case to a Judge…two years after escaping my Ex’s subterranean lair.

If you’ve suffered the pain of narcissistic abuse, there are tools to help you let go of the hurt – and develop new ways of thinking, and even dating.  You can find out everything you need to know in my book, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! 

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(88) comments

Arline Robertson May 3, 2017

I was with what I know now to be a narcissist for 7 years.i think he’s somatic. But he shows cerebral as well. The first year and a half were good. Although he came home one night late saying he had fallen asleep at work to high or drunk to drive and slept it off. Shortly there after his mom moved out . I guess she knew. After that he started slowly this behavior . Like a Jekyll and Hyde. I never knew who was getting up or coming home. His brother and friends said he had issues but never said anymore. He even got me an engagement ring saying he knew it’s what I wanted. About 7 weeks later he had been going to the neighbors all night. His friend came home from the army. He came home and wanted to go out. Said I didn’t have to go but he was using my truck. I said no I’ll drive. When we came home with his friend there he lit in to me verbally. Friend did nothing. But when he got head-butted he left. He upended a dining room table and forced me to get on my knees and clean a dog carrier calling me names that had never been spoken before. When I stood up crying he jabbed my chest and I just didn’t know what was going on as I had never been through this. I might say I was 26 yrs. Older and had heart surgery. He told me to call the police. I did I was afraid. He changed like Jekyll and Hyde. And sat to wait on police like nothing had happened. They took him when I showed them my chest. He went to prison for 1 yr. I had a court order but he convinced me he had changed. I could go on but as of Sept of 16 I left San Antonio and moved with family to Virginia. He told me he had been using meth for the whole time under my nose. He was an alcoholic. All these things I’ve never done. He kept texting me the whole way saying he couldn’t make it without me . He periodically calls I don’t answer. Leaves voice. After 4 or 5 weeks he does this. I’ve started reading these articles and realized what I’ve been dealing with.

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Dorothy Sheridan November 1, 2016

Yep. I totally agree. I tried for 4 years to get rid of him. We did get married and everything was wonderful for the first year. He started going back to his old ways & we broke up. He kept coming back. I finally had to be strong and make a stand when he left. I’ve been free for a year now and my life is wonderful

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jj October 7, 2016

OMG. Same situation. Crazy guy used my boyfriends number to listen in and ruin our life. Sadly he is a person in entertainment….it is so disappointing.

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Peyton September 22, 2016

Im sorry, But mine is nothing like this. He would NEVER let me know he cared enough to do any of those things. He just ignores me and pursues others.
He always gives the impression that he doesn’t care….and he doesn’t. So why would he waste his energy doing all that?
He may send a text trying to hook me into an argument and then tell me how crazy I am or feel powerful that he could evoke strong emotion in me. He is a mental torturer . His whole thing is showing me he doesn’t care.
All he does is medicate himself with booze and porn. WE feel the emotions…..THEY DON’T.
We are older too. Im 62 hes 68.

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    Jeanne November 3, 2016

    Same here,
    he was 51 when I walked away.

    Reply
    Tracy January 21, 2017

    Same I’m 43. Twenty years in. The scary thing is I don’t know him. Now that we’re apart he acts like he cares one day but hates me the next. I’m scared to death of my future but the affairs in my face, porn, losing everything, blaming me, and in the past 5 years pushing, shoving, intimidating me. I may be alone but I don’t have to deal with that horrible anxiety that makes the room spin. He still tells me he loves me and I’m miss him…why? I know it will never change. I can’t believe who I’ve become. I wish I could comfort anyone in this position because we are not typical. No one but someone that has been in for lifetime understands. Ptsd is all I left with.

    Reply
    ann February 19, 2017

    omg.I got rid of my fiancée afger 13 yrs..well he discarded me and I jumped for joy for 3 weks…then came the txt.who am I???shagging and why haven’t I rang ti see how he is??? he dumped my clothes in the bin.left the most disgusting messages on my mobile.this was the third time we had split…hideous mail through the lettr box he has a phd in criminologyvery clever guy and had served 13 yr for murder.whos lucky laldymet him a year after my lovely partner of 11 years passed away.looking at this weirdos behaviour made me realise he is just like my mother I had a hideous upbringing by my mum who wouldn’t tell me my fathers whereabouts.she scared the shit out of my nerves buyt could tke the beatings, recently met up with and old bf from 35 yrs ago 12 wks in and realised he is one. sex addicted and lies constantly just dumped him but he aint a tenth as bright as the last one though a much tougher guy but in debt gmbler drinker porn the previous one rqn a stqge crew business mixing with the rich and famous every day n hes the boss. I worked for him so lost my job and my marbles xx

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clair July 3, 2016

Great article. I was dating a guy that I knew would not go away quietly unless it was on his terms. I had to minimize myself and elevate him, in order to convince him that he could do so much better. This was a conscious act of survival on my part, as opposed to just breaking it off with him, and risking triggering his anger, violent side, and provoking him to seek revenge or wage an attack on me and ultimate discard, that I did not want to experience. I realized that I had to do this when he said to me one day “If you don’t meet me, I will meet you at your daughter’s school at pick up.” That not so veiled threat, was all I needed to snap myself out of my fog and see clearly who this person truly was. Up until that point, I was in a fog, making excuses for his bad behavior, overwhelmed with the intoxication of the sexual connection between us. However, the second he mentioned my child, I came to. Essentially, acting like I was dead, when this bear came a sniffing. No offense to bears, who are way more civilized then these creeps.

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JA October 31, 2015

Well mine was a real winner! A real doozie of a man! Not only did he lie, cheat, covet, steal, destroy others, he managed to rip what little piece of my heart was left and toss it aside like yesterdays trash. After all those years all he was doing was using everyone!!!! EVERYONE! Family, friends, me, all his ex wives, ol girlfriends, let’s not fail to mention his mistresses, business associates. Yep, the best was him finally finding GOD. Sure after all that crap he pulled he found God. Not for nothing…….but, aren’t people suppose to change or at least knock of the evil ways crap once they are saved or born again? Not him, he was born again to do it again and again. He also loved making excuses for crap behavior. It was always the economies fault, societies fault, the other woman’s fault, my fault, his crappy upbringing. He had one affair early on, then another x amount of years later, and then come to find out hitting on women left and right. Using everyone of them for attention, sex, or $. He screwed over and screwed up so many peoples lives and finances it’s truly pathetic. The spin doctoring, the mind games, the blame shifting, you could see black lettering on the wall and he’d have you convinced your crazy and the lettering was white that is how good he was at manipulating. Never took not 1 oz of accountability or responsibility for not 1 darn thing in his life. Made fun of everyone around him, yet he was the idiot with all the real issues and causing the real issues. But, yet he failed to see it. It was always everyone else. The last and final straw came when he was trying to reel a 21 year old almost 1/3 younger than him into a relationship and for her to purchase a town home and he’d help make the payments. What a joke! He didn’t help pay for crap for over x amount of years, ya right. The porn, the drinking, the drugs, the womanizing, the messing up countless good jobs or opportunities so he could go do what he wanted instead. Who loses a job making over $100k a year without a care in the world? Yep, Mr. Wonderful. I’m glad I got to vent, it gets me so aggravated it makes my blood literally boil. I have no use for any of them that pull this garbage! I blame myself for not womaning up sooner.

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penny April 19, 2015

Yes, true. All of it. He refused to sign the divorce papers until the restraining order was lifted. Against my better judgement I had to rescind the order to get the divorce. He immediately emailed me asking if I was 100% sure it was over. He sent reams of poetry and promises, 35 fricken pages in PDF trying to lure me again. Meanwhile he has established a relationship with his new source of supply, bought himself a brand new Jaguar and was telling the most vicious lies about me. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to warn her. To prepare her somehow for the coming disaster, a ‘storm warning’, if you will. I couldn’t. I can’t. If I break the No Contact rule in any way shape or form it will feed his addiction, I will have become supply again. I cannot invite that kind of destructive crazy into my life. It’s been almost a year of no contact on my end, even though he sent repeated requests via my lawyer for reconciliation (all whilst he is in new relationship). I do not respond. I can’t let him get his hooks in me again. The recovery from this kind of abuse is too hard, too painful. So I maintain the No Contact rule and a “Not my circus, not my monkey” attitude. This has saved me loads of pain, and probably my life. This is why going so far away, to Toronto, had to be done. I had to be physically removed from my abuser so I would not succumb to his lures, his lies, his promises. I was completely and totally co-dependant. He was my addiction. I had to go cold turkey and never touch that deadly poison again. Recovery is a bitch worth fighting for.

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    Arline Robertson May 3, 2017

    And you were probably a giver, empathetic, a nurturer, all those things they discover about you. Mine played the child abuse card, has deep distance for his mom. I was much older a widow from a man who was 360 the other way. I had money after his death . Mine read me and saw he wanted it. I started recording the times toward the end because I thought it was me or maybe I was loosing it . Nope him. I’ve been listening to autumn Blake. It really has woken me up to what I was really living with for 7 yrs. I should have been afraid for my life. He is narsasistic somatic sociopath multiple personalities. He does have cerebral in there too. It was like Jekyll and Hyde. There was a pattern one day nice but I knew in about the third day he would rage violently. I’m sure he’s already found another supply. Probably had some before I left because I was having some female problems. I had never been with anyone outside of my late husband but this narc would say he was never with anyone else. That’s a joke.

    Reply
Anonymous April 16, 2015

Thanks for all your wonderful articles Kim! Reading them and all the readers comments has helped me like nothing else. 🙂

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    Kim Saeed April 18, 2015

    Thank you, Anon!

    Reply
LynnME72 March 17, 2015

Oh Lord! Reading this my eyes bugged out & mouth dropped! I just told my narc spouse I’M DONE with the abuse & it is exactly as you described but all along I have been accused of being a cheater. I visit my sister, my sister is ‘hooking me up’, visit my daughter, she & her husband are ‘hooking me up’. I pointed out he was gas lighting me & got “you seeing a nascar guy, you were watching a race at your sisters!” I have been called every vile name you can think of. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Before I knew of NPD I had been saying for years this is the kind of cray you see in tv (and) I need to write a book about this sh!t….my dance with this devil is OVER!

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Mary March 15, 2015

I broke up one after 3 months. I saw a huge lack of empathy that scared the sh*t out of me. In a moment of weakness he talked me into “reconciling” as he put it. He dumped me 5 days late. First he told me he wanted to take me anywhere for my birthday and to the symphony only to tell me on the discard he found another Woman that was physically better than me. He also said I was physically and emotionally too sensitive in a flawed way. I could barely eat for three weeks. He didn’t care if I died. It was all about revenge for him. What a cruel Man!

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Nicole Haga February 17, 2015

I left my narcissistic ex 5 years ago. He has defied court order after court order and has racked up over $40,000 in back support. Finally, last week after 3 rounds to court in a year’s time, the judge ordered him to pay or go to jail with the following statement, “Put up or shut up!”

No idea what happens next. Admittedly, I am a little frightened, but it feels so good to finally be validated and see justice served!

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    Kim Saeed February 17, 2015

    Thank you for sharing that, Nicole. I’m glad to see the Judge is on your side! Yay!!!

    Reply
    chely March 31, 2017

    May I ask how you found a lawyer with expertise in dealing with naecissisits?

    Reply
Nicole Haga February 17, 2015

I left my narcissistic ex 5 years ago. He has defied court order after court order and has racked up over $40,000 in back support. Finally, last week after 3 rounds to court in a year’s time, the judged him to pay or go to jail with the following statement, “Put up or shut up!”

No idea what happens next. Admittedly, I am a little frightened, but it feels so good to finally be validated and see justice served!

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Zaakiya Cuellar February 2, 2015

After the numerous times I would break up with that worthless subhuman (I wouldn’t even call it a subhuman, it was an it), he would constantly harass me saying he loved me and missed me, and then out of no where he spews hatred at me. How the hell can I go from being loved to hated within a few minutes? Its because that piece of shit never loved me in the first place I realize now. Everything is a game to them and yes you are spot on with what you said about them having to win all the time, even when the relationship has ran its course. The bastard texted all kinds of vile shit about me, calling me a stupid bitch and that I was too crazy for him. He was obviously talking shit to get revenge for his little pathetic ego that got bruised because I was the one to call off the relationship. And then when he finally got a rise out of me he texted me and said “Stop trying to have the last word I don’t want to play with you anymore you stupid bitch. Leave me alone, goodbye”. He was obviously trying to get a rise out of me so he can be the one to say goodbye. After ignoring him for 2 fucking weeks after I broke it off with him, he wants to tell me to leave him alone after he riled me up. I’m like to myself you stupid fucking asshole I have no problem with leaving you alone, I have left you alone for 2 weeks!!!!!!!!! And then to top all of this off the piece of shit would take NO accountability AT ALL for all the lies, mental and emotional abuse and constant disrespect. These people are truly evil and I hope that bastard rots in a fucking ditch somewhere with all the evil shit he done to people catching up with him and it fucking kills him literally.

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    LynnME72 March 17, 2015

    I feel exactly the same way! Evil in human body! Sick, twisted, evil b@stards whose only purpose on earth is to show ppl that evil does exist!

    Reply
Theresa January 5, 2015

I feel the need to respond, to possibly help someone else who has been in the clutches of a sociopath and/or narcissist. You see, a warm, loving, loyal, and devoted wife of a sociopathic narcissist. ..can in fact be driven to an affair. Believe me, it doesn’t matter how strong you believe your Faith is, you can end up in a very reckless affair. The reason,
usually because you will never leave him! No
matter how much he abuses you, be it
emotionally, mentally, physically, sexually,
financially, or otherwise. ..you always forgive.
You will continue to believe his empty
promises, and will move… and “start over”
again and again, dragging your precious
children with you. with you, and covering for
him so that your family appears “put together”
to the world outside. All the while, you are
literally losing chunks of yourself until you are
barely recognizable anymore.
Then, someone comes along that makes you
actually feel like you are the person you have
been masquerading as for years. You can become so needy…that yes, even you, the loyal one, can do something that seems more like your narcissist’s behavior, than your own. This act, however, can help you to finally end things, as you know that even if he says he forgives you…Your life would be even worse than your previous hell, and you know it. You’ve always known it. You just never thought it could happen. I am here to tell you, it can, and his vengence is worse than just being stalked. He would never be capable of giving you up to someone else!
I tell you, if you find yourself getting close to this point, choose to leave without any guilt.
In my case, I let him shame me into giving up everything, except my children. He even got joint custody, with primary custody being mine. He was from old aristocracy, with houses at every port, but they needed mine, too. I signed away everything, and accepted $149.00 /mo in child support for two children. He then said he felt bad…that I could lease the house for the children for $10.00/mo, only to leave the country, and send out aletter of eviction to us…his children and me. I was given 30 days to vacate, and that was only the beginning!
What I’m saying…is that we are human, and are capable of acting out of the desperation our abuser has created for us. In my case, it was ongoing from the moment I fell in love with this handsome, interesting, charming, charismatic young man, and continued through years of abuse that one would have to experience to believe. Sadly, I didn’t do any of the things to end my marriage because I didn’t love him. Sounds crazy, huh? No, I did them because I couldn’t stop. He was that powerful over me, and I had become so weak because of it. Just don’t let it come to this end. It is far worse than the hurt from his abuse alone.
Get help to get your strength back (which won’t come from any ill-timed relationship.) Make a plan which includes evidence and resources. Find yourself a good attorney. Never forget that restraining orders are important, but they’re made of paper. Keep your eyes open, and your guard up. Talk to your children’s schools. Scoop them up without making them privy to any change.
Then follow your well prepared, quite legal
plan.

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    Theresa January 6, 2015

    I am replying to my own post, as I’m not quite sure how to get back here, but my phone lost power and I had to close quickly.
    I just needed to add that as I mentioned earlier, I didn’t make my bad decision because I didn’t love him. I did it to try to have a normal life, one without all the lies and abuse. In doing so, I. Set myself up for guilt
    one can’t imagine. ..just to get away
    completely. I did find myself begging for his
    forgiveness, as I had forgiven him over and
    over again. I never got that from him…and he
    was killed just three years later. I struggle
    more with the guilt from what I did, than all
    the years of various kinds of abuse he dealt
    out to me regularly for years….sixteen total…
    to the divorce date. I don’t want anyone else
    to have to live this kind of pain. It has gotten a
    bit better as I learn to forgive myself. I even
    have a couple of close friends who will
    remind me of the torture I endured, if they
    hear me even mention him favorably, while
    I’m engulfed in my own guilt.
    In the event that you do something wrong
    after you’ve been beaten down so badly.
    Learn to forgive yourself as you once offered
    forgiveness to him so freely. You deserve a
    good life, and once you break free…please
    allow yourself to have it!
    I hope and pray for all of you…to find that
    kindness in love, a life surrounded by those who love and appreciate you. I wish you patience.. both incoming and outgoing. Most of all, I wish you each peace… from this point forward!

    Reply
      gloria June 28, 2017

      First I want to thank you all for sharing .living and just being with any person with any mental condition is very hard. when you finally realize just what you have been dealing with when you are in an all consuming relationship it becomes freeing in a way. at least it has now for me. control is there thing . they want to consume every aspect of you .that is the narcisastic .I spent a few years in that relationship , always nice to begin with, they don’t ever change ,as its been three years since I even seen him , he started calling me out of the blue , I was suspicious from the beginning but he is relentless and so after awhile I thought oh what the heck at least talk to him well then began the barrage of daily phone calls and all the I am sorrys and we should have never split up and the love you to deaths , your the only one for me, your my best friend.he would call several times a day and repeat the same thing as he was also drinking ,this was really wearing on my nerves . I had to just get a grip and in between his I love you tell him that we were never going to get back together, that I had not seen you in three years that things change, well I just had to hang up on him and now I know that no matter what I will not answer him , am in the process of changing my phone number and address . he will retaliate I am sure as he is angry and I did the halting not him of getting back together. I just looked forward in my future and seen utter chaous again and no I will not repeat the past I pray none of you do thankyou

      Reply
    Anonymous March 9, 2017

    thank you for this honesty.

    Reply
teddy scassera January 1, 2015

I just broke up with a narcissist. My relationship was long distance. I reconnected with a high school boyfriend. Typical honeymoon, devaluing, and discarding phase. I found myself wondering what I had done wrong. He removed me off facebook, gave me the silent treatment, blamed me for everything. We broke up so many times, and made amends again. Just last week he accepted my friend request. Looking at his year, I wasn’t in it at all. He gave hugs and kisses to his female friends and recently called me filthy names. The worst was a hoe. I’ve been divorced for seven years and he was the only one I was with. After I saw that, I sent him a text, telling him I am finished, he doesn’t love me, never did, never will. I told him I was more disappointed in myself than him and I was starting a new year without him. I blocked his facebook account and his phone numbers. The saddest thing is he never loved me. I made every trip to be with him, spent a lot of money, only to realize I was being played. That’s very painful.

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Michelle Johnson December 26, 2014

All of these stories are sadly so much like eachothers. I left my narc after 21 years, five years ago. I try to have a civil relationship with him for the sake of our boys…who are thankfully starting to see him for who he is. However they cannot fully comprehend the depth of his manipulation. He came over for Christmas morning. I realized if I invited him, he gets the glory of thinking I still want him around, and then I get the boys for the rest of the day…it’s hard, but I figure I know how to deal with his crap, did it for 21 yrs. I know what motivates him.
Well anyways, he started to go on and on about how “all the women i date think you are crazy…’ And goes on to describe how every single person he knows can never understand why I do the things I do.. ( oh, and he’s also bipolar) so I casually asked him if all these people knew he cheated on me for decades? And he said this…” Everyone knows that bipolar cheating ISNT grounds for divorce..”
Oh really?
I guess I’m the only moron who thinks it is…haha….
Now that I am aware of the narc. Behavior and motivations…he is very transparent….however I never underestimate him…..

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birdsaw December 2, 2014

The best way to deal with an N I have found, after several encounters with N’s is to just let the next woman take them out. I just walked away and let the next victim take the heat that I would’ve been exposed to. Eventually they will meet their own kind and destroy each other.

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James November 20, 2014

Hi everybody. Glad to see lots of people our there talking about this issue.

Currently in “deprogramming mode” with my kids. It’s difficult, but it’s a marathon. Have done well with LC (NC not possible when you have shared placement). My voice and expressions with my Narc are empty and emotionless. It works. Narc and new significant other broke up…shocker. Took that person a year to figure it out, and it was nice to see another mirror shattered.

They will never change…don’t believe it. Leave them to their own devices…it’s utter hell for them. You are free!

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    Sunshine May 31, 2015

    Isn’t it a great feeling when the relationship they dumped you for breaks up too? You finally know for sure that it wasn’t you and your ‘craziness’ that broke up your relationship! You can’t help but smile a little bit and you even get a little more pep in your step 🙂

    Reply
Sunshine November 20, 2014

I’ve been a full month NC now, and I have to say, it feels great! At first, it was horrible!.. I couldn’t get him out of my mind and hated myself for wishing he would call, text, email…anything! .. but then, every time I started thinking that way I would turn my train of thought around and start thinking of all the horrible crappy, low life, disgusting things he did…on purpose….just to hurt me!! Then I would remember the smug look he would have on his face when I was crying and apologizing for ….nothing!… I’d think about the affairs he had right under my nose and rubbed in my face, I’d think about how he destroyed my reputation and good name just to save his own ass, outing me before I could out him.. I’d remember how much I HATED him during that time….and that would bring me back to my senses. I’d start hating him again, and I’d look around the house I’m in now.. my OWN house.. peaceful and quiet, no drama, no chaos, no HIM, and life was/is good again. He’s emailed a couple time (wah-wah, he misses me…yeah, right), he showed up at my door once (I didn’t answer the door…yay me!!) , he’s texted me a couple times (I didn’t respond).. Bottom line: I am SO glad that lying, cheating, low life piece of sh– is out of my life now!..The only one I feel sorry for now is his new girlfriend. She seems like a really nice lady and I hate to see her ruined because of that disgusting idiot.. Hopefully, she’ll get out at the first sign of trouble and won’t stick it out for 4 YEARS like I did… ugh! Take care, everyone. It DOES get better, and you WILL get through it… Stay strong! NO CONTACT!

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Ellen November 20, 2014

A difficult fase now in the No Contact zone. Two weeks no contact then saw him in a shop. He pulled out crocodile tears and said he is with that other person but not happy at all. Thinking of me a lot, He wants to be intimate with me again. But then again he said he is in doubt etc. So i heared it al. Then when i got home. Wrote an email where i said that he has to put it out of his head that i ever ever come back to him. That i dont love him enough to be in a relationship anymore. Then i wrote down the frustrations that i had over the time. Because i never was so strong to come up for myself to say so before. I discribed his actions and think where he is coming from, what a Narcism was but without the word narcist. So he recounized himself but did not feel that i a judging him.

He called me and was very frustrated. Shouting etc. He said… look what you do. Thats why i am not with you anymore you are a drama queen. I frustrate him everytime he said.. and then. You know: With that other person its Always nice and FUN!! With YOU i am Always Frustrated..
Wow that hurts me sooo bad. To hear him say that,. Its not fair that he has Always fun now. And i am so in greeve. Its not fair i did everything to keep him not frustrated over the years. Always in a submissive state.
And in the shop he was fake crying that he had it so bad with that other person.
Now he is so in love and fun. I hate when Friday is comming. The thought he is the happiest man ever.

I did not mean anything in that mail. Its because of this site, i wrote this mail so strong that i never ever going back to him love is gone etc..
But the truth is that i do love him still. What i realy want is going back to him and relive the beautifull times fake or not. It felt good. I know, this sounds silly. But i know other co depenend will understand me. But i stay strong with the knowledge time will heal

I hope some women read this and understand that this is just a normal fase and nothing to be ashamed of want to take him back. I sometimes find this a difficult moment because it feels like in my heart that it maybe he can change. And he is a individual person. Why should he be the same? Pink clouds… Then is start dreaming again.. Weak moments. But if he then contacts me its very difficult. Thats why i come back many times to this beautifull site to read all this posts.
So that my brain not drifting away and loses my heart.

Take care

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Julie November 10, 2014

Tracy,
You’re doing the right thing! After four years of dating and two years of marriage, and two breakups, I finally got my narc out of the house. One lesson I’ve learned from all of this is to ALWAYS trust your gut! If you don’t ever have a problem with showing your boyfriend/husband your cell phone, why should they? My soon-to-be-ex pulled the same crap. He would text other women right next to me. He introduced his then-11-year-old daughter to his girlfriend and told her to lie to me, which she did. And, unfortunately, she is going to be JUST like him – I already see the signs. He never thought that I would contact the “other woman” through FB, but I did and boy, did she hear the stories about me. As I suspected, he started up with her one month after we got married. I pursued talking to her three weeks before our wedding reception because we eloped. Needless to say, I canceled the reception but STILL went back to him. I didn’t know what he was. I didn’t know there was a name for the insanity.
Dating sites, porn sites, social networks, physical cheating, verbal abuse, even taking online games like World of Warcraft too far – using them as tools to pick up women. SICK! His biggest manipulative tool was the crying. And, whenever I would convince myself that I didn’t deserve any of his behavior, he could sense it and turn on the charm or extreme sadness so it was hard for me to leave. He knew how to play on my sympathies. Interestingly enough, once I started to really educate myself and look at him as a science project rather than a person, it got a lot easier. I don’t like to hurt people, but when I viewed him that way, I was able to get past my highly sympathetic nature. He didn’t care if he hurt me, right? And, it was then I started to see him reach for every single tool that he used on me in the past that proved to be successful before, but none of them worked this time.And I could feel his panic. I stopped sleeping with him and went to a separate room and I wouldn’t let him even hug me. I just kept reminding myself that the monster is who he is NOT the guy who pretends to be warm and loving. It’s the guy who says the “C” word freely when he’s questioned about other women. My advice to you is to start keeping a journal and write everything down – all of your feelings about how he makes you feel and make a list of all of the pros and cons about him. You’ll find the cons outweigh the pros every time. It also helps to log specific incidents and look back at them when you’re at a weak moment. It’s a black-and-white reminder that you don’t want to ever feel that way again. Every person in this world is worthy of true love – and narcissists aren’t able to give it!!

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Tracy November 4, 2014

I am on day one of leaving my Narc and it has been the hardest day! I was married 21 years and was separated 3 years when I met a guy on an online dating site. The first guy that I met and had drinks with turned into a 6 month relationship. Bam, right out of the gate, my first boyfriend after a horrible separation/divorce is textbook narcissist. I didn’t realize until the early days of what I was suspecting and researching about narcissim that I was, in fact also married to the same type of person for 21 years. Wow, it is so true that we “attract” that type of person. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. Broken heart, and all. I ended it last night during what I suspect was the beginning of his dismissal of me. Not only was he texting another women while sitting next to me having dinner in a restaurant, I also suspect he was getting ready to take a trip with another woman the next day (today). That is why we had met for dinner, so he could see me before he left for three days. I would never have guessed that it was going to end like this. When I confronted him about the other women, he turned into such an ugly person and acted like it was all me being paranoid and not having time for this (and acted like a little boy). I asked to see his cell phone and he refused to hand it over to me. I had only seen this behavior demonstrated towards other people, never me. It was so easy to make excuses that he wasn’t that way towards me, so there must be a reason why he acts that way towards others even though it was a huge red flag. Please pray for me and please pray for my strength to adhere to the “no contact” rule. I broke up with him a month ago because of intuition with no proof that he was cheating and three days later after he texted me, I was back in his life. I cannot go back again. I’m better then that and deserve so much more. Good luck and my love to all of you going through this!

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Surayya November 3, 2014

Well it went like this. My narcissist ex really played his role very well,boy he needs get award for this. All the lying away and than when he’d get caught and I would question him he would deny it all and than get angry and yell at me to which I would hang up on him than he would call me endlessly to prove me wrong and he right when I witnessed his lies. Nah I decided I could not take this anymore and I don’t deserve to either. I am way worth more than be his doormat. And yes it gets better to cut him off after having taken him back many times and he would discard and devalue me. It gets better because we get more stronger. I knew what was coming for me if I d take him back I knew he d be his self again, the arrogant who thinks he has it all. and as I explained in my other post in the other blog I finally called it quits.(after playing his game ) He did not call for few months until one day past midnight he called me over seven times begging me to call him in a different number at gas station. Oh No I did not , I stood my grounds, The fact he was calling me from different numbers told me all, so why fall for his crap . I had made up my mind I not going to be involved with such low life man who has no purpose in life, no goals, no ambitions nothing. All that was important for him was WOMEN , sex porn and more. He is a pervert and promiscuous men and wanted everything his way. So I first discarded him .than when his calls resumed I devalued him, gave him his own medicine and left it at that. He has not called ever since.. How did I feel after I discarded him and went on with the NC treatment.? well a lot of grief, but what consoled me and kept me going was I kept reminding myself ” you let him go Surayya you did it . And you know why you let him go” I made a mental list of all his bad behaviors and nasty comments about me and he put me in so much debts and financial stress . I asked myself “Surayya are you in that state today? Do you have stress about his lies about his whereabouts, his sex addiction , his slackness in life and his interests and his relationship with his other supplies?” My answer was a big NO. and that kept me going. I started feeling great , I felt like a warrior who fought a vicious battle and WON . I am victorious. He may be playing his happy game with not only his past supplies but who knows his new supply but how long is he going to ? He will end up bad it will happen. I read somewhere not sure in this blog or another, so true. Every time they want us back they are all praise for us .the moment we take them back they point out our flaws. Who needs that? Not me for sure. I am very very happy today, yes I do have thoughts of him, our moments together, I mean hey I loved. I am hoping one day I will wake up one morning and not know of his existence . I have faith it will happen very soon. And yes the lesson I taught him I am sure he won’t be coming back barking or wagging his tail after me. I can confidently say I don’t care if he is alive or dead. I won’t grieve.

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Surayya November 3, 2014

Kim , you mentioned about using oils for detox. Can you enlighten more about it ? And yes I sense I have spyware too and I know very well from whom. how do I get it removed.

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Ellen October 27, 2014

jHello Claudia,
Thats quiet a story. Ten years is a long time of your life. But finally you can be yourself now. When a man cheats on you over and over again he has no respect for you and knows no boundries. It sure was very dangerous to put the dirty laundry on fb.
I dont think such ting is a good idea. But good for you he is not that kind of a psychopath. But you did never know. If he has a hidden psychopath in his you can wake it up by such things to do. In a rage you never know what could happen.
But as long as he have things to loose you are more save. But watch out of a N that thinks he have nothing to loose anymore. If only a brief moment.

My ex tells also bad strorys behind my back. But strangely he does that not neccosarraly to hurt my feelings. Against his new love i dont notice that.
But its only to let people think that he is such a good person a victim.

Remember You are the most important person of your life.

I heard from my ex last week with a on and of relation. He now is with someone else but still wants to check if i am alive and think of him. It hurts. My days are empty.
Broken hearted because we Always did everything together. Now with no friends and nothing its very hard to stay strong and keep him of when he contacts me. But i stay strong.

And .. I hate this irritating songs on the radio. That should be not allowed.
Those songs `I cant live without you.. Bull“!!! Everyone can live without someone.
Its hard but it is possible.
Oh i need you so in my life… NO WAY.. if you are at a point that you realy need him.
As the situation where i am in now. Yes i need him because there are no friends and famliy here. He wants you to realy need him. His ego has to be great.

But now i speak in a strong moment. Tomorrow i can be weak again.
It takes time.

Take care Claudia. Never doubt that you are a wonderfull person.
The fact that you were 10 years with a N isnt nothing. You are still standing.
He thought that your proud was gone??? O nooo
Something inside so strong.

N are like little ants on this wide wide world, shouting with a big mouth.
All by all we are dust in the wind. He isnt the world greatest. And Gods gift

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claudia October 26, 2014

I was with my Ex N for 10 years. There were red flags in the beginning but I overlooked them. When we first met he pursued me, I fell in love with him and was hooked on the sex. He had told me that his last girlfriend was cheating on him while he was in cancer treatment and kicked him out after treatment was over. I felt very sorry for him. The first red flag happened after about one year, he was getting phone calls from his x in the middle of the night. When I confronted him he turned stone cold and never explained. I was confused and when he did not explain or apologize, I broke up with him. I wish the story ended there….but I was hooked and at the time I thought I had made a mistake. When I tried to apologize to him, he kicked me out of his house and stonewalled me. Eventually we got back together.
Things were good but he always would hang out with other women friends which did not bother me, but he would lie to me about it. After 3 years we moved in together….I remember thinking I made a mistake, but i was just having cold feet. One night he did not come home after work, it was late after 10pm and I called him a bunch of times…no answer. when he finally came home at 1 am he lied to me and gave me a vague explanation…I started to feel crazy then…that morning when I went to go to work at 3:45 am…I was so distraught that I backed my car into a tree.
That night I confronted him. He told me he was out with a woman from work, whom I know. I was furious and I could not understand why he lied. Then he was mad a tme and would not talk to me for a week. Somehow I apologized and things were fine for a while after that. This was the start of a cycle I have only begun to come to terms with. This would happen periodically over the years.
I helped him get his career started and his business, I spend years organizing his bushiness, though we were not married I was lead to believe it was for OUR future. I took a job full time, so he could have benefits and focus on his business, although I worked for free for him on my off hours I was happy and thought we were building a life together. Around year 5 I wanted to buy a condo, he was all for it, but since he had not filed taxes in years he could not be on the deed. I told him I would put him on the deed if he ever filed his taxes, I was confused that he would not file taxes, and had a growing business…he blamed me for not helping him do his taxes.
Around year 7 he started to ramp up the gas lighting, i could do nothing right, ever, I f I walked to fast he would pull me back and he would say I emasculated him and didn’t respect him. He would tell me during sex that I was not doing it right or and get upset with me for not giving him a blow job the exact way he wanted. This went on until I became very ill, Graves disease, then he used my illness as a was to further demean me.
One night he called me a cunt at a party in front of our friends. I was so upset, I asked him to sleep in another room. He never apologized and eventually I was the one to apologize. After this incident his abuse escalated as well as his drinking. He would yell and scream at me and tell me I had “nothing to offer him”. Anything that went wrong was my fault. He broke down the front door in drunk rage one night and that was my fault also, holes in the wall, my fault. He would ask for help and then tell me I was trying to control him.
One weekend I was on a business trip, when I came home I noticed something in the house was off…after hours of begin him, he finally told me that one of his employees had spent the night while I was way. I was furious, but he never was sorry and said I was over reacting. I could not believe what was happening.
I tried to keep the peace, he would eventually stay out till all hours drunk at bars, he had a whole new group of female friends he would hang out with, but I was never invited. I was home, isolated.
The last straw was one year ago, he came home drunk and started in on me…I was toeing conversations by now and had gone into therapy because he said I was crazy. diagnosed with clinical depression, he would mock me, tell me to “go take a pill” If I confronted him on anything at all. I caught him sexting with another woman. He got physical with me and then blamed me for being controlling and jealous. I was so distraught. The next day I asked him to leave. He pretended everything was fine until one day a few weeks later he had all his stuff out of the house. He moved in with the woman he was sexting with and insisted there was nothing going on. I confronted her also and I was told I was crazy and he was just a good friend.
A few weeks later I found out that he had been cheating on me and smearing me around town for months. He told people I was controlling, jealous, crazy etc. I was so distraught and mad that I posted all the photos of my arm bruises and the broken front door and the video I had made of him in a drunk rage on a local domestic violence Facebook page, asking. I knew I had to make sure he was afraid of me or I could never go no contact. I scared the hell out him. He was outed, and then he accused me of all kinds of abuses, turned everything around. I had to get a lawyer to sort it out. Retraining orders and all. A complete nightmare in a small town.
I am so glad outed him although now I realize how dangerous that was, he did not want his reputation ruined anymore, he stayed away. Now one year no contact. I still have flashbacks, I am so grateful for all the support and all the information I learned this year about Narc abuse. I thought I was crazy, my self esteem is getting better a little more each day. Thanks for all you do to help us get through this horrible pain and confusing. Claudia

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Kristine October 1, 2014

I was married for 16 years and he had so effectively duped, manipulated, gas lighted, and distorted reality that when he revealed he was a “sex addict,” had hundreds of sexual affairs, I went into severe shock for months. He loved it! He tortured me. I could not believe that my husband was a complete fraud, was a sadistic nutcase, and that he had successfully manipulated nearly everyone in my life to perceive ME as the “bitch,” “unstable,” “frigid”. —

We would ALL be a lot better off if we ALL stopped believing men and their sad, poor me, victimized stories to seduce other women! If he tells you his wife is cold or his marriage empty or he’s never been loved – 99% chance he is LYING! He is playing your heart, manipulating you, and YOU are now involved in behind-his-wife’s-back malicious abuse of her!

He tortured me for two years! After 9 months, the last time he sexually assaulted me, I made him leave the house. He promised a million times that he would repair damages, provide for financial losses, get good therapy, stop having sex with other women…. Nine therapists later, furious that I would not let him move back in, would not participate in marriage counseling (while he is having affairs!), he raged – and he lied and filed a restraining order on me! He fabricated stories and everyone believed him. Then he filed for a divorce–with no attorney! He had a new woman that must have been a good choice for his next wife! He just wanted me out of the way long enough to check out the new target.

He was FURIOUS when I got an attorney, counter-filed for divorce, and filed an Order for Protection with REAL information, in place for TWO years.

He then got an attorney; she kept writing letters accusing me of “draining HIS accounts,” harassing him, etc., etc.,

Now, as we are getting close to the first hearing and he must turn in financial documents, his attorney sent a NEW letter! They are requesting that the Restraining Order and the Order for Protection be DISMISSED!

NO WAY IN THIS LIFETIME. The fool played too hard, too crude, thinking he could bully and manipulate me as long as he enjoyed it. I tried and tried and tried to get him to – first: stop abusing me; -second: stop having sexual/emotional affairs – STOP chatting with women! – and — 3. When he was clearly only gaming me, to at least settle divorce quietly without attorneys and stop conflict so relationships with my children and family and everyone not further damaged.

He refused. He was desperate to portray ME as crazy so the the could be the victim – even with all NINE of his therapists!

Do NOT believe a word these men say and watch your back. Get all your money to a safe place. Protect everything you have – – do NOT be fooled. They can dupe for a long, long time.

Their actions are truly evil. They do not care about anyone. No one. They KNOW WHAT to say, so they KNOW right from wrong – They CHOOSE to damage others. Most enjoy the power of watching you hurt and struggle. Seriously.

It has taken me a long time to get clear about what he does. I was devastated. Now, I am smart, and I love my self far too much to let a loser further damage and devalue my life. I love my adult children too much to let any man treat me like trash.

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    Ellen October 24, 2014

    Good for you!! 16 years, you dissurve 16 Winning cups!!

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Keryiia September 17, 2014

Knowledge is powerful Time is the key it takes time to know people to ask the question of Who and What is going on Due Diligence must be do a NARC has arrived into me life my guard is up high I am not looking for something for nothing I live in the real world and If it is to good something somewhere is wrong I do not want to be swept off my feet That is why Time and only Time alone has allowed me to keep free from this Evil predetor I am not wanting to be any ones victim

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Anonymous August 23, 2014

I finally decided to leave my Narc… I met him at work and he asked me for the time I told him what time it was and the next thing I knew he said he would be back to take me to lunch as he walked away. He totally caught me by surprise and I told my co worker if he came back to tell him I wasn’t available. Sure enough he came back and my co worker told him I wasn’t available so he sat in the lobby area waiting to see me. My supervisor called me and I had to come out to the lobby area. When my Narc saw me he came running over asking me if I was ready to go to lunch? My spirit was already warning me to run and not go from the beginning.. Despite my spirit I decided to go with him and next thing I know we saw each other everyday My Narc swept me off my feet and had me under his spell. I thought he was my soul mate. My family all told me that he was sizing me up and was to good to be true. I have been thru hell and back within 3 years with him. I came to find out years later that he had literally just broken up with his girlfriend the week we started dating. I opened my heart and soul to him. We discussed our dreams,goals and values, moral and my spirituality. We spent our first year together in a beautiful bliss. From night to day I saw a change in him. When I questioned the distance between us he called me jealous and wanting to invade his space. I was baffled and crushed that I had made him feel this way. Shortly after I found out he was cheating on me with some younger girl that could be his daughter and looked like his daughter as well. This was creepy to me. When I confronted him all he could do was lie and even swore on his daughters life that he was not cheating on me. Well this young lady screen shot me all of his text messages and forwarded all his emails to me. When I showed him he decided to tell me half truths and said he was sorry and regretted his actions. I found out that he had cheated on one of his x girlfriends that he lived with for several years with this younger girl. I took him back believing him that I was different and I was the love of his life. I struggled with the pain of knowing he cheated but I loved him sooo much that I wanted to be strong and said to myself everybody makes a mistake and deserves a chance. My life was nevrr the same, although he made me feel loved again. As time went on hs behavior started to change again for the worse. One day I was cleaning his home and came across his bank statement and discovered that he bought flowers. I didnt say anything. I started to see the woman he lived and cheated on phone number on his house phone. In between this time his cousin got married and he told me I couldnt go to the wedding with him because he was taking his daughter with him. Again I was crushed and my spirit told me that it was much deeper than what he was saying. After the wedding I called this woman he had once lived with.This woman claims she had no clue about me, that she had attended the wedding with him and danced the night away and his family was telling them that they were next to get married. All along his daughter was there with them and knew the truth. This lady told me that he had recently bought her flowers and tires for her car. I wanted to die when this woman was telling me this. I confronted him and he told me I was crazy and we had a physical altercation. Finally he admitted to me that she was at the wedding but only because his cousin had invited her and that they didn’t attend the event together, I was humiliated, his 16 year old daughter was keeping lies from me too. Again I forgave him and things where ok for sometime. My Narc moved into a condo with a door man and I was no longer allowed to go to his front door. I was restricted and felt such a level of rejection. I expressed to him how I didn’t like that couldn’t knock on his front door anymore and how I would like to have a key. My Narc said no and things just got progressively worse, he turned his daughter against me. I was no longer allowed to come to his home and he wouldn’t tell me why. All he would say was that I was crazy. I pleaded with him to tell me if he wanted to date other people to let me know so I could move on. All he could say was how he loved me and he wasnt dating anyone else. I felt empty and in the dark. One day I told him that his heart was with someone else as I proceeded to leave his home he said; Yes and she is good.. I left in tears, broken hearted. The next day he told me he didnt say that, trying to make me think I was going crazy.. Things just got soo much worse, it went from verbal abused to physical abuse. My spirit told me that he stared dating his x girlfriend he left when we started dating.. and two other woman at his job. I grew weak and tired and felt like I was dying. I prayed to God to help me.. The final straw happen last week when I ended this relationship and had no contact with him. Ignoring his phone calls text and emails, mind you I have to see him everyday come into the building I work at. After one week of no contact I receive a text message from his x that he lived with and took to the wedding, the message stated “This is the last time I am telling you to end communication with me if you don’t I am calling the police. I told you before to leave me and @#%&^ the Narc alone” I couldn’t believe my eyes… I didn’t understand why she was sending this to me. I hadn’t talked to this woman in 2 years, my response to her was to leave me alone before I get her for harassment. I didn’t want to speak to the Narc so I screen shot his xgirlfriend message to him and he never responded, Again leaving me feeling empty and angry. This my story please pray for me to find strength and healing and self worth in my life again.

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Lynne August 17, 2014

After 4 years of a continual D&D cycle with my Mr. Wonderful Narcissist (over and over again) I’d finally had enough, moved out and discarded HIM! That was 3 months ago. During that time up until now, I’ve almost moved back in with him twice, I “almost” gave him another chance after he cried, said he knew there was something wrong with him and promised to get help.. Two weeks ago, I found out he had another ‘supply’ on the hook and was grooming her all the while he was crying and begging me to take him back.. I then discarded him AGAIN, and went full NC.. So, I’ve discarded this idiot twice in the past 3 months, this time for good. I want nothing to do with him ever again. I want him to disappear and be gone. I haven’t heard anything from him since (12 days now) . Do I need to worry that this is just the calm before the storm to come? I figured since he’s been so quiet and hasn’t bothered me since I told him to get lost that maybe he had just gone on to his new supply, but after reading the posts on here, I’m not so sure now. Can I relax a little and hope this is it, or has this just been another extended silent treatment and he’s just waiting for the right time to start causing new problems? I’m a little nervous about this now

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MellowWild August 15, 2014

I left. Two years later, he has only stopped stalking me for the past four months. People say that I should be over this by now, but they don’t understand the depths of my pain. The deception cut me to the bone and only now, after these past four months of no contact or Silent Treatment from him, am I finally beginning to release. My depression is not understood by many, but I know that I cannot move forward unless I release all of my psychic hurt. It feels wonderful to be understood. Thank you. 🙂

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Jennifer May 26, 2014

I have read so many stories where bits and pieces mirror what I am going through and it has helped me truly find my inner strength. I still feel like I am in crisis mode though. I was married to a Narc for nearly 14 years and we have two elementary age children together. During our toxic relationship, he was also a prescription drug addict. I walked out on my ex-Narc almost a year and a half ago hoping he would be a better person once he went to rehab and stopped engaging in illegal behavior. Although he eventually completed a rehab program and we had started mending our marriage and family, he was still being manipulative and holding me hostage emotionally. I wanted to believe it was just part of him finding sobriety but when I found out he had been also pursuing other women, it had become the last straw. I quickly filed for divorce, asking for sole custody of the children and giving him only supervised visitation because he was basically homeless, unemployed and I had suspicion that he was still abusing drugs. He didn’t even bother to show up in court b/c he was so fixated on his new supply so I won sole custody, supervised visitations and child support.Shortly after the divorce, he went to jail for 3 months for family violence against his parents and violating his probation and that was the safest I have felt. I truly thought I was free from this man and that I had regained the power in the relationship to advocate for my children. The day he was released from jail he showed up at my house asking for support, advice and basically anything else he could suck out of me. I tried to set boundaries while avoiding further conflict and threats hoping he would just move on. Now he is engaged to his still married girlfriend, he is parading pics of her, the house he wants to buy her and new jeep all over FB. He has convinced family and friends of ours to also friend her to affirm this new persona. He attained a high-paying job utilizing a fraudulent resume that he posted which now means I cannot be assured child support b/c who knows when this new employer will find out about his lies. I am so extremely frustrated and overwhelmed by his constant pattern of deceit. His is currently $6,000 in arrears for child support which he is trying to have reviewed for modification. All I really care about is protecting my children from his negative influence and his inability to truly provide for them. To add to the chaos, he has just been put on 4 years of felony probation for committing prescription fraud. I constantly live in a state of fear awaiting him to take me back to court for custody of the children once he puts this fake persona of the perfect family man in order. I have watched him charm his way through many sticky situations and so I know he will not be able to live with the fact I “won” the children. How do I protect myself and my children from his need to show me up? No one but my family is holding him accountable for his immoral behavior and our mutual friends and family members seem to actually endorse his new relationship and lifestyle because I have been made out to be just a bitter and vindictive ex-wife trying to impede him from being a great father. It’s just too much to process at times. I obviously can’t implement no contact b/c of the custody orders and when I have blocked his number in the past, he just comes back with threats against me that he will call the police or Child Protective Services. I am truly trying to be strong for my children and move on to a better life. How can this be done when I’m constantly having to watch over my shoulder? I am tired of him getting away with so much…

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    Kim Saeed May 26, 2014

    Jennifer, with your Ex’s background (drug addict/rehab, 3 mos in jail for family violence, didn’t show up to custody hearing, 4 yrs felony probation, child support arrears), he has a snowball’s chance in Bermuda of ever getting custody. I’m not a lawyer, but based on what I do know, the most he is likely to get is visitation, though your Ex would have you believe otherwise.

    If you’re worried about your future, stop talking to your friends and family about him. Stop thinking about his getting away with things. Here’s what to do instead: If you haven’t already, put together a notebook with all the documentation you can get…past court orders, threatening texts/emails/voice mails. Continue to document everything he does and says. Further, you don’t have to leave yourself wide open for him to call whenever he gets a wild hair to do so. Go to your attorney and let them know you are being harassed and threatened. See if you can get the visitation modified to include the times he can call, or arrange an agreement through your attorneys. Only leave one phone line open for him and one email. If he continues to harass you via email, give him one last warning, and then block him if he does it again. That way, you will have proof you gave him warning.

    Try not to worry about what he’s doing. Anyone who is not being supportive of you, simply stop communicating with them about the situation. Only have one confidante, this will help to make you look stable, and not the vindictive Ex he’s trying to make you out to be.

    Don’t fall prey to his threats. Stay in touch with your attorney or seek a court advocate at your local Domestic Violence center who can guide you on what to do. Your Ex will likely continue to threaten you mafia-style, but knowing your rights will help lessen your anxiety. What does the court order say regarding your custody situation/phone calls?

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Nikki May 20, 2014

Hi, now my ex is threatening me saying the kids are going to live with him, l will lose everything and have nothing, he is nothing but a heartless beast. I have a lawyer but what else can l do he is brainwashing them like he did me. My family want nothing to do with him he has lied stolen and done them over.and now l am left with this anger at myself

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Nikki May 13, 2014

Hi all been married to an N for 8 yrs his left and discarded me again and l am done. How can no contact work if there are children as lm tired of being manipulated. Thanks.

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    Kim Saeed May 13, 2014

    Nikki,

    If there are children, you’ll likely need to implement “Modified Contact”. Block him from all methods of communication. I usually recommend one email account open or a land line number and the rest blocked.

    In the meantime, contact a lawyer. You can usually find decent prices online. Next, start working on your self-esteem and that of your children. Get all of you into counseling if you can.

    Hope that helps. Best wishes for you…

    Reply
Anonymous May 5, 2014

I just discarded my narcissistic ex, he was showing all the devalue symptoms after I dared to question him with something I had every right to question about. I saw the pattern emerge, and realized I have always attracted this type of man. I saw his silent treatment and used it to my advantage. I was secretly cheating on him, I don’t know why but I felt compelled to constantly cheat on him. He is the only man I ever cheated on. I ended it while he was travelling out of the country, after a few check in texts to me, I ignored, he finally did the last word text of ” I got the message goodbye and have a wonderful life” LOL in which I responded ” thank you” now I know he’s coming back to town soon, I guess I will have to see if he really follows true to the N. I thought I was highly valued on his supply chain…….now that I’ve recognized my own patterns and who he really is, it seems kind of fun to play with him. Who wants a future with a lying cheating shitbag?

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Stephanie April 23, 2014

I am so blessed that after 2 attempts to kick my Narc out, the 3rd time was successful. It has been a month and he has already been back in my life. Lucky enough, I have great support around me. I have been seeing a counselor that has shown me the light on his Narc behaviors. I now have kept my distance, but sadly he isn’t officially out of me life. He owes me $6,900. I have received some money, but I am always in fear that he will attempt to weasel his way back in my life. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and can’t wait to get off.

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    Kim Saeed April 25, 2014

    Stephanie, that pretty much sums up the relationship with a Narcissist: an emotional roller coaster.

    I can relate to your anxiety regarding your Ex’s possible return. I felt that same anxiety for years. I lost count of the number of times my Ex would leave during a Silent Treatment and I would be sure the relationship was over…then BAM!! He was back in the door acting like nothing ever happened.

    That was before I learned about Narcissism and No Contact. Had I had that knowledge before, I believe I would have left sooner. However, it was part of my journey because I still had some soul lessons to learn. Have you thought about possibly taking the issue to a lawyer so you could then implement No Contact and rid yourself of the anxiety?

    Reply
      Stephanie April 26, 2014

      Sadly, after I kicked my Narc out I had to resign from my job. My anxiety levels were off the chart. I had to seek medical attention. I am now trying to get my life back together. Lucky enough, I have wonderful support of family, friends, and counselor. I am looking for a new job that I can support my life. I still see him in the community occasionally, but I just walk away.

      Kim, getting a lawyer isn’t a bad idea but I know they are expensive. Without a job, I don’t have much money to hire a lawyer. I know that I am going to have to take this issue to the courts. He took so much from me, I can’t let him take what I have left of my dignity.

      Thanks for writing a blog, that has saved my life.

      Reply
Jen Appleseed April 22, 2014

i have a child with a narc who i have recently went into no contact withn. im just starting to learn about this disorder and am so glad i did. so tired of blaming myself and feeling sorry for him and all the while it was his behaivor that was causing all of the heartache and confusion. i wanted my daughter to know her dad but not anymore. i should of known when a judge, based on his record alone, nothing that i had to say, granted me sole custody with supervised visitation as the parties agree. frankly, i just cant agree anymore. the last ‘visit’ consisted of him showing up wreaking of alcohol and berating my 5 year old for 20 min about something that happened 2 weeks ago at school that i took care of and she hasnt had a problem with since. telling me when i tried to intervene ” i got this” REALLY? and this after not seeing her for 2 months. 3 days later i let him in my home, and almost had sex while hes telling me he loves me. 2 days later i saw the other women i suspected him of seeing and asked her about it. 8 months he was lying to me about her and had my daughter with this women once wo telling me. she said she would ‘fall back” so we could work it out for our daughter. i told her not to bother, she nor he will never hear from or see me again. I’ve dropeed my child support from court as he doesnt pay anyway and i have no desire to take or see him in court or anywhere ever again. did i mention this “other women” told me he is still sleeping with his ex-wife who i didnt find out about until my daughter was 6 months old and they were still married. she divorced him but obviously still under his control. i have no desire to be anymore. thank you so much for the informatiuon you put out as it has greatly helped me to see this man for what he truly is.

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    Kim Saeed April 22, 2014

    Jen, thank you so much for sharing your story. I know it’s difficult emotionally, but it’s good that you’ve seen him for what he is and know he will never change.

    As far as child support…where I live one can have the non-custodial parent’s wages garnished if they don’t pay. You can file through Child support services and they take care of everything for you. It might be a good idea. I used to think it didn’t matter, either, but whatever you can get from him could go towards something your daughter needs like clothes, food, educational toys, etc.

    And if you haven’t already, you may want to start documenting everything so you can explain why you aren’t giving your daughter to him for visitation in case it comes up. Not trying to alarm you, just trying to help because I’ve been there, done that, and got the T-shirt…

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MHT April 16, 2014

I was in court on Monday for my permanent OP (it’s only six months long). After we saw the judge, we were back out in the hall and he used the opportunity to manipulate my mind some more, with the help of his lawyer. They were around the corner, but he told her lots of BS, with a loud fake voice, knowing I could hear. He even asked her “Can I still drive past her house?” I took that as a threat that he will be driving past my house even though his lawyer said, “No, she’s the type that will be outside with a camera and have you arrested.” They then walked past me on the way out and he loudly proclaimed, “She’s not scared of me, she doesn’t need an OP! She’s just angry!!” Projection, he’s angry because I left him and went No Contact immediately. He had a psychotic break sent some CRAZY emails that have gotten him on state police internet crimes watch list, he then started stalking and I got an OP. 7 weeks out and I am still deprogramming. But the day in court showed me a different person that I had never seen before, I’ve been referring to him as Court Guy.

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    Kim Saeed April 17, 2014

    MHT,

    Pardon me, but I got a little chuckle when you said you referred to the new personality as “Court Guy”. It shows you have a lot of insight into their ability to use different masks according to the situation and their surroundings.

    And Kudos to you for sticking with No Contact…most people can’t do that on the first try. You’re very strong.

    Reply
      MHT May 12, 2014

      So two weeks out after court, the drive by’s have started. And he has seen me see him and it continues. There is NO reason for him to drive by, I live on a back road, going past my house is the long way to anywhere, literally, over the mountain and through the woods.

      The police said I had to file a violation in court so I filed the paperwork on Friday but I am scared. I really don’t want to deal with Court Guy again. He gets to be abusive right out in the open. Maybe just putting up with him driving by is better.

      And it’s like he WANTS to go back to court again, like he wants to have reconnection via the legal system. And isn’t getting attention in court what he wants, somehow. Attention? “Everyone’s here in court because of ME!!!”

      Reply
Nancy April 8, 2014

I threw my husband out in Early January after almost 45 years. I found out he was having affairs with office girls, lasting years. Fact is I caught him with the latest one. I stayed with him another eight months. Looking back I feel like the dumbest woman on the planet. I can look back and see almost every characteristic you write about. My mother was a narcissist and my dad an alcoholic. I put him through college and he has put us in to tremendous debt. I haven’t worked for 40 years. We have four adult sons. Three of them won’t talk about it and two of those say I should stay married to him, but just not live with him. It is my fault since I am one that tossed him out and I am one that filed for a divorce. I feel like my life has no future. I am 63 years old. My life is totally in limbo until the divorce is settled. He has rented a house, still works in his professional business and goes on like nothing bothers him at all. The one son that does talk about it has been told he would have the business at a very affordable price, but realizes his dad will never give up control. He and his family will be moving several states away. My husband has contributed greatly to my depression and heart disease. I hate him, but in the same breath, my life, as I knew, it is over forever. I have loved this man for over fifty years. I am trying to be strong , many supportive friends, relatives, and a good therapist. Can you suggest some web sites or books to get on with the life I have left. My advise to any woman that suspects they are in narssitic relationship is to read anything you get your hands on and if your husband has narrssitic traits to get out now, why you have a life left. I believed every lie and I can’t imagine all I will discover as the divorce progresses.

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    Kim Saeed April 9, 2014

    I know things are very difficult now, but the thing that I’m hopeful about is that although you may be 63, you understood subconsciously that it would be now or never. You feel uncomfortable because you’re out of your normal routines and you’re heading into the unknown, but if you stick with the things I talk about on this site, such as meditations, essential oils, and working on self-love, you will eventually get to a point where you will be very happy with your decision.

    Things will be awkward with the people who don’t agree with what you are doing, but this is your life…not theirs. It sounds like you’ve lived your life according to other people’s say, and those days are over now. It’s all about you at this point. You are not too old to enjoy life…it would only be true if you lived and thought that way, but you can change your thoughts…I would suggest reading and listening to Louise Hay, and Wayne Dyer. I just posted a guided meditation today that might be helpful for you, but you’d need to listen to it every day for 4-6 weeks. The reason for that is so we can reprogram our negative and limiting beliefs about ourselves, which reside deeply in the subconscious.

    In addition to the meditations I have here, you can find many by Louise Hay and Wayne Dyer on YouTube…or any guided meditations on “Self-Love”. Once you acclimate to your new situation, it would be a good idea to see if there are any local clubs or events where you can meet other people your age and start having some fun. Best wishes…feel free to reach out at any time.

    Reply
      Tina November 19, 2015

      I too am 63 and divorcing a narcissist after 47 years of marriage i was married at 16. I am having trouble finding help with dealing with 3 adult children and 8 grandkids. I need the no contact to learn and heal but am having a hard time. Was invited for Thanksgiving at oldest sons but ex narc was also invited and is coming. I am not going as I do not want to see ex. I feel sad because I will miss out with grandkids and son. I am hoping next year I will be further along in my healing. The divorce will be final November 30th.I would love a blog or place to go to talk to other older women and how they handle these situations. I have physically moved on but am still emotionally attached! I was sooo brainwashed and have no friends or family that is near. I feel sooo alone and lost but am determined to break free! I am in therapy but I really need a support system and I am amazed that there are no groups that I can find. I live in Colorado. I would love any help or suggestions you might have.

      Reply
    Beth May 6, 2015

    All of Dr.Judith Orloff’s books helped me. Especially one called, “Emotional Freedom”. My library had them.
    You are a good person who believed another person. It is not your fault. You could never imagine someone could be so heartless. That means you are an especially good person 🙂

    Reply
Shirl April 3, 2014

After 15 years of him leaving and coming back. I snapped. This last time was too much. It’s only been a few months since we got back together when I discovered he was planning a vacation with another women but pretending to be with me. She has no idea that I was even in the picture. No need talking him to about it cause he would deny and lie, plus I found this out on his email that he left open on my computer and did not want him to know i was snooping. Thank God I did, I have not seen him since Feb and he and this woman were involved since September. I was clueless because we spent a lot of time together and I could not figure out how he had time to spend with her. However, as of March he started distancing himself and only calling me three to four times a day and told me that he was worried about his finances and would not make good company. To make a long story short, I never let on that I knew (there was also another women in is email account and a porn site that he joined for free hookups). I talked to him on the phone last Thursday and acted as if all was ok with us, after which my plan was to cut him off, As of date I have 25 (frantic) phone calls on my house phone and 10 on my cell phone from him trying to reach me all hours of the day and night. One message was he thinks I am out of town. Little does he know that I instantly went into “no contact” It’s been a week today and I am still holding strong. No calls today as of yet, but I know he will start up again. Time to take my power back and get on with my life. It has not been easy, but I cannot do this with him anymore. Enough is enough. These people are sicker than I thought!!

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    Kim Saeed April 5, 2014

    Assuming there are no children involved, you’d be better off blocking his number from your phone. Unless you completely block him from all forms of communication, you will be in a purgatory of sorts because you’re allowing him a point of entrance back into your life. Even if he never called again, in the back of your mind you’ll be on a virtual stand-by in case he decides to call and you’ll never truly heal.

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James March 23, 2014

I’m a different breed. I actually left my NPD wife after many years of marriage. I never thought I would be stuck in a relationship with someone so cruel. It nearly cost me my life to get out. I take full responsibility for being an excellent co-dependent. I helped create this monster (or at least fed it). It is a daily battle of will power, but it gets easier. To all of you out there scared…you are not alone.

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    Kim Saeed March 28, 2014

    I can relate, James. I was once so damaged from the abuse I often wondered how I could make it another day.

    Flash forward to now…the battle isn’t over 100%, but there’s a HUGE difference from when I first left. That’s why it’s so important to completely go No Contact and block them from all means of communication. Otherwise, there is still a hook or two by which they can keep you buried in confusion and sickness.

    Glad you got out!

    Reply
      Anonymous April 15, 2014

      Thank you, Kim. Your website has been a Godsend. I will write soon, when I’m ready.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed April 17, 2014

        Thank you for letting me know that my site has been helpful. Wishing you the best.

        Reply
      Anonymous October 30, 2015

      But what do you do when you have kids and 50/50 custody. He STILL controls everything. Even refusing to bring them to me at proper time or compromising on anything.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed October 31, 2015

        Hi Someone, mine tried pulling that, too. I went back and had the custody arrangement modified so that he had to call on certain days/times. He could only contact me by landline – no cell phone (I changed my number). His emails had to be about our son ONLY.

        As far as his not following the order, document everything with days and times and let your attorney know his refusal to follow is becoming chronic and see what the two of you can do to change that (such as putting specifics into a new custody order. That way, he could possibly be held in contempt and you might be able to get relief).

        If he isn’t bringing them to you on the days/times that are in the order, then he is violating the terms.

        My attorney was very helpful in helping me cut down on those games my Ex tried to play.

        Hope that helps…

        Reply
          M July 1, 2016

          All the conflict- where is the end? I pray everyday for strength. My husband lead a double life, he cheated, lied, abused, harassed, and raped me. He told the other woman he hated me and wanted me dead. I am in a nightmare of a divorce. The only thing missing from my story being an episode on Dateline is that he hasn’t killed me yet.

          Reply
    Anonymous April 2, 2014

    I am learning a lot of this type. I finally went to a lawyer today. Fear of not knowing what to expect if maybe im wrong. But 8 months ago i couldnt take anymore and gave the choice , he leave or i would. Still questioning me. Is he or isan’t he. So many things have gone on in the 18 yrs My chest feels so heavy, sometimes its hard to breathe. And my mind, I wish there was an off button. But too many lies, to many fake hurts and illnesses and no help due to his totall laziness and selfishness. I just kept thinking we all make mistakes, we all need and want someone to love us. So stick it out. It will get better. But it just kept getting worse. I have so much anger at me for allowing this to go on for so long. But tell myself, atleast i truly tried over and over. So i am not sure if this is where i need to be reading and ( very much fear) posting. But thankyou for letting me be here for now.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed April 5, 2014

      Thank you for your input.

      I think most of us go through a period of being angry with ourselves for staying too long. I had to use a few different modalities to get through this stage, such as: inner child healing, guided meditations on forgiveness and self-love, and listening to Wayne Dyer and Deepak Chopra. I’ve also started using essential oils for emotional release because they detox our pain body on the cellular level.

      You will get through this. When we first leave, we are still in a state of shock and disbelief. But, you will find your way…

      Reply
Karen March 18, 2014

When I got rid of the ex Narc, he just went on pretending nothing ever happened and as he put it – we are just splitting assets. Cold as cold. After 10 years together I could not believe he did not ask or fight for me. This does not seem the case for the model narc. This is where sometimes you may question yourself.

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    Kim Saeed March 28, 2014

    Karen,

    That’s the common strategy for them…to act cold-as-cold. They do that to make us feel worthless, and it works until we can get past the toxic trauma bond and see them for what they really are.

    As far as asking and fighting…most Narcs don’t do that because they are still in love with someone. It’s all about power and control. So, if you read about how someone’s Ex Narc is stalking them, it has nothing to do with love, but that they are losing a great source of supply and the power they had over them, which drives the Narc to do dysfunctional things like stalking, etc. They cannot stand to lose someone they once had complete control over.

    Reply
Toni Wilson March 17, 2014

I MARRIED & DIVORCED A NARCISSTIC EX-HUSBAND THE SAME YEAR , I TRIED GETTING RID OF HIM OVER & OVER , HE KEPT COMING BACK TO ROB ME OF MY STRENGTH , NOW NO MORE , I HAVE STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM & CHANGED MY PHONE NUMBER TO STOP HIM FROM CALLING , LAST NIGHT I HAD A VISION ABOUT HIM ABOUT HOW HE WAS MAKING BEG & PLEAD FOR HIS LOVE WHILE A NEW DANSEL & DISTRESS STANDS IN THE MIST OF HIS LIEING WAYS & NO RESPECT FOR EITHER OF US . I AM NOT THE BEGGING TYPE OF ANY KIND OF ANY MAN REGARDLESS WHAT MAN IT IS , THERE ISN’T ONE ON EARTH THAT IS THAT SPECIAL TO ME , HE WISH !! I HAD RED FLAGS IN THE BEGINNING ABOUT WHO HE TRULY IS I DISMISSED IT BECAUSE I FELT SORRY FOR HIM IN THE BEGINNING . HE TOLD ME HE WAS BADLY ABUSED BY HIS MOTHER WHEN HE WAS GROWING UP . I REALLY FELT SORRY FOR HIM , I GUESS I FELL FOR HIM BECAUSE HAD MY SHARE OF A ROCKY CHILDHOOD WITH MY PARENTS AS WELL ONLY I WAS ABUSED MENTALLY INSTEAD OF PHYSICALLY UNLIKE HE WAS , HE WAS CONSTANTLY CALLING ME LAST MONTH , THIS MONTH HE CAN’T CALL ME AT ALL , I HAVE CcHANGED MY PHONE NUMBER . I TRIED OVER & OVER TO GET RID OF THIS NUT , HE WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE , HE KEEPS LEAVING HIS STUFF AT MY HOUSE , I KEEP THROWING IT OUT , HE KEEPS LEAVING MORE OF HIS STUFF AT MY HOUSE . WHY DON’T HE UNDERSTAND I DON’T WANT HIM , I AM SO TIRED OF HIM , HE IS NO GOD GIFT TO ME , ITS SAD THAT HE THINKS THAT HE CAN JUST KEEP GOING AROUND VIOLATING OTHERS RIGHT , HE IS WRONG , THE NEXT TIME I JUST GIVE HIM A FAKE PHONE NUMBER FOR MY WELL BEING !

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    Kim Saeed March 18, 2014

    Toni, that’s one of their trademarks…they don’t respect anyone’s boundaries, at all. That’s why their former partners end up having to get restraining orders against them. You never know when they might feel crazy enough to cause physical harm to someone. Most Narcissists don’t go that far, but one never knows…

    If you are still letting him in your home, you’ll want to stop doing that. Many times, they will plant spyware in your home or even on your computer when you aren’t looking.

    I had to block my Ex from my cell, my email, all social networking sites, etc…leave no crack open for them because they will turn the crack into a major highway, to keep driving back into your life, even though you’ve made it clear you want to be free of them.

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Dee January 23, 2014

I had it out with my psychopath last June after bailing him outta jail lying for him wasting thousands of dollars and hurting numerous family and friends I pulled the plug on the relationship. To really drive home my point…I forwarded copies of his threatening emails to his new supply/old supply who he apparently “wasn’t involved with” and watched the drama explode around me as I quietly sneaked away into the distance changing my residence, place of work, cell phone number and email addresses as I went. I also called his parole officer and Border Patrol to report his many lies and his Marriage of Convenience to Woman#3 to Border Patrol. It has been 9 months of No Contact and I still feel violated in the worst way. The entire relationship was just crap and lies and he used me for money and to get him outta jail. I wish I had just left him there to rot. It bugs me to know he is out there hurting more women with nothing I can do about it 🙁

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    Rae January 23, 2016

    Hi, just curious to see if your ex reoffended and went back to jail? If so, how long did it take to for him to go back in once he was out?
    ‘m going through the same thing.. I think I’m been used for money etc. just needing some answers I guess.. Thanks.

    Reply
      Dee January 29, 2016

      Yes he did. I was called on my birthday to bail him out which I ignored. I filed a restraining order with police and enlisted my ex husband to tell narc to stay away. Been happily narc free since May of last year. No contact is what set me free!!

      Reply
Cynthia Baker-Simple Pleasures November 4, 2013

You are close to my heart-
Sorry that you have to go through this-

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    Kim Saeed November 5, 2013

    That’s very kind of you…thank you.

    It’s a testament to the fact that Narcissists don’t give up easily, especially when it comes to revenge.

    Reply
bethbyrnes November 2, 2013

I was with a narcissist whom I left and went through everything you are describing, but to a lesser degree. It is amazing how our experiences with others going through this are similar. And the law does little to protect us. It is awful. I refer to him as gum on the bottom of my shoe that took a long time to remove. I still have contact with him but I never initiate it. He is dangerous.

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    Kim Saeed November 2, 2013

    True, the law does little to protect us. Finding that out the hard way. But, not giving up.

    I’m sorry about your experience. I wouldn’t wish that on my enemy….thanks for your wise input and for stopping by. Always a pleasure 🙂

    Reply
frogstale November 1, 2013

I discarded mine. He didn’t like it but found someone new within a month – after a 21 year marriage. However he had the added complication of a sex addiction – although I now think it was all PD related.

Love your comment about standing tiptoe on the edge of the boundary they know they can’t cross. It is so graphic and so true. Mine does the same. I have recently finished nearly 3 years in court with him when I allegedly broke one of the orders! He does it daily.

I too am astounded that there are so many of us out there. I didn’t realise until I started my own blog and looked around on WordPress. There are enough of us to try and start some sort of movement to educate the courts and the world about the people we are dealing with.

We need to work together not only to support our fellow sisters (as they are mostly women) but to help those who don’t yet have a name for what they are dealing with.

I don’t know how but there must surely be a way.

FT

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    Kim Saeed January 5, 2014

    Frogstale, I’m not sure how I missed your comment when you left it back in November, but in reference to the education movement…I have some ideas. My good friend Ursula linked back to my blog yesterday via a link she titled NarcissistSlayers (in reference to my nominations for the Narc Slayer award). I immediately bought the domain name and one of my initial ideas is to make it a collaborative site…maybe like Hay House (Louis Hay, Cheryl Richardson, Wayne Dyer, etc). Theirs is a site that focuses on personal improvement, growth, and enlightenment. Mine could be about what we all write about…Surviving Narcissistic Abuse.

    Reply
Winky November 1, 2013

So glad you did that, and hope it works! Love you!

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 1, 2013

    🙂 Love you!

    Reply
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