Why We Obsess Over the Narcissist and Become Despondent

By Kim Saeed | Heal Your Heart & Mind

Nov 20

*Trigger Alert* – Read with caution

The Narcissist strips us of our self-esteem and instills in us feelings of unworthiness.  We are left a wounded child, one who has developed an exaggerated need to feel loved, accepted, worthy.  We take on the blame of the problems in the relationship; believing that everything is our fault.  After all, that’s what the Narcissist tells us.  We live on the brink of insanity, unable to function day-to-day.  Some become suicidal.

Have you been told the following by your partner?

  • You’re lucky I keep giving you another chance.
  • No one would want to be with you except for their benefit (i.e., sex, money).
  • All of our problems are your fault.
  • You’re crazy, it’s no wonder your relationships have been failures.
  • If you would just listen to me, we wouldn’t keep having these problems.
  • See, even your own family doesn’t want you.
  • No one would ever put up with your crap like I do.
  • People tried to warn me about you, but I didn’t listen.
  • Why can’t you look like________.
  • Why can’t you fix_________ (insert feature or body part).
  • See how _________ treats her husband?
  • I’m not attracted to you anymore.
  • I don’t love you anymore.
  • I wish you would die; get into a car accident; ___________.
  • All of your friends are losers.
  • It was my bad luck to have met you.

Aside from being a form of domestic abuse, these comments are not only meant to take away your self-esteem, they are part of intentional, strategic psychological torture.

The following is an excerpt from the book How Full Is Your Bucket: **

Following the Korean War, Major William E. Mayer, who would later become the U.S. Army’s chief psychiatrist, studied 1,000 American prisoners of war who had been detained in a North Korean camp.  He was particularly interested in examining one of the most extreme and perversely effective cases of psychological warfare on record – one that had a devastating impact on its subjects.

American soldiers had been detained in camps that were not especially cruel.  They were given adequate food, water and shelter.  They weren’t subjected to common physical torture.  In fact, fewer cases of physical abuse were reported in the North Korean POW camps than in other prison camps during major military conflict.

Why, then did so many American soldiers die in these camps?  They weren’t hemmed in with barbed wire.  Armed guards didn’t surround the camps.  Yet no soldier ever tried to escape. 

When the survivors were released to a Red Cross camp, they were given the chance to call loved ones…very few bothered to make the call.  Mayer described each man as being in a mental “solitary confinement cell”. 

Mayer discovered a new disease in the POW camps – a disease of extreme hopelessness.  It was not uncommon for a soldier to wander into his hut, go in a corner, sit down, pull a blanket over his head, and die within two days. 

Despite minimal physical torture, the death rate in the North Korean POW camp rose 38%, with half of the soldiers dying simply because they had given up.

How did this happen?  The “ultimate weapon of war”.  The one that your Narcissist uses against you every day.

The Ultimate Weapon

The North Koreans’ objective was to “deny men the emotional support that comes from interpersonal relationships.”  To do this, the captors used these primary tactics:

  • Withholding all positive emotional support
  • Criticism

They used negativity in its purest and most malicious form.  If a soldier received a supportive letter from home, the captors withheld it.  All negative letters, however – such as those telling of a relative passing away, or ones in which a wife wrote that she had given up on her husband’s return and was going to remarry – were delivered to the soldier immediately.  They also delivered overdue bills from collection agencies.

The soldiers had nothing to live for and lost basic belief in themselves and their loved ones, not to mention God and country.  The North Koreans had put the American soldiers into a kind of emotional and psychological isolation, the likes of which had never been seen. 

If you have been destroyed by unrelenting negative reinforcement, you may be wondering if there is any hope.  The good news is “yes”.  The difficult part is taking matters into your own hands.  You’ll need to dig deep down inside of yourself and get out of the relationship.  Don’t remain in your self-imposed solitary confinement.

*Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours ~Richard Bach*

The Narcissist never rests.  Every thing he says is to wear you down and isolate you from everyone in your life, all the while tearing down your soul.  The reason he does this is so you will come to depend on him for small bits of false praise and believe he’s the only person that will ever accept you.  After a while, you start to accept this as truth.  You feel that no one else loves or wants you.  You feel unattractive.  Many people lose their friendships, careers, finances…because the Narc succeeds in taking everything away from them.  This further drives home the illusion that you aren’t worth anything.  The reason these things happen is because you sacrifice everything in order to keep the Narc with you.  You throw away your better judgment to prove your love for the Narcissist and give them everything they want.  Then, when everything is gone, the Narc leaves you high and dry…on to their next source of supply.  Meanwhile, you are left in the ashes of your dreams…feeling exactly what the Narc wants you to feel:  worthless, unlovable, and undesirable.

Steps to Take:

  • Recognize what is happening.
  • Find a way to get yourself out of the situation.
  • Go No Contact.
  • Get counseling.
  • Surround yourself with people who see the good in you.
  • Become selfish for a while.  This means cut out all negative people from your life; do something that makes you happy, no matter how small; pamper yourself; say “no” to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable; make your happiness a priority.

As impossible as it may seem, there is hope.  Take your life and future back into your own hands and get away from your negative, soul-killing captor.

Recommended websites:

http://www.drwaynedyer.com/

http://www.louisehay.com/

https://www.deepakchopra.com/

http://www.eckharttolle.com/

http://www.byronkatie.com/

**Rath, T. & Clifton, Ph. D., D. (2004, 2009) How Full Is Your Bucket?, Gallup Press, NY

Your Healing Toolkit

Jpg_healing_toolbox_rs_for_ck

Join thousands of others who are joining the '7-Day Healing Activation' mini-course and get instant access to:

The Beginner's Healing Toolkit! Start healing from Narcissistic Abuse now!

Powered by ConvertKit
Follow

About the Author

Leave a Comment:

(10) comments

[…] or control another person.  In fact, emotional abuse and manipulation tactics are similar to the psychological warfare that’s used in military prison camps. Guards at POW camps know that physical compliance is difficult.  It requires physical exertion […]

Reply

[…] or control another person.  In fact, emotional abuse and manipulation tactics are similar to the psychological warfare that’s used in military prison camps. Guards at POW camps know that physical compliance is difficult.  It requires physical exertion […]

Reply

[…] It’s not a metaphor, it’s not an analogy, and it’s not symbolic.  Narcissists DO use the same mental brainwashing as prison guards.  If you were to research the long-term effects of prisoners who were subjected to this type of […]

Reply

[…] abuse in a relationship is a covert form of abuse.  In fact, it’s the same psychological warfare that’s used in military prison camps. Guards at POW camps know that physical compliance is difficult.  It requires physical exertion […]

Reply

[…] It’s not a metaphor, it’s not an analogy, and it’s not symbolic.  Narcissists DO use the same mental brainwashing as prison guards.  If you were to research the long-term effects of prisoners who were subjected to this type of […]

Reply
Military Tactics of the Narcissist | Kim Saeed's Let Me Reach December 28, 2013

[…] abuse in a relationship is a covert form of abuse.  In fact, it’s the same psychological warfare that’s used in military prison camps.  Think that’s over the top?  Think again.  Guards at the POW camps know that physical […]

Reply
gracielynne62013 November 20, 2013

Reblogged this on Single Parents of Texas Unite – A site to educate, empower and unite single parents and commented:
This is an awesome post with many good applications for those of us who deal with narcissistic people in our life.

Reply
navigator1965 November 20, 2013

My experience was a milder one, thankfully. That was bad enough.

Excellent post, Kim.

Reply
bethbyrnes November 20, 2013

You know, Kim, so many of these exact statements were made by the narcissist in my life, almost verbatim. It is uncanny. I like the people you have cited. I would add one: Byron Katie. Great post Kim. I am going to keep this one to remind me!

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 20, 2013

    Beth, I’m sorry he said those things to you…you are so talented, pretty, and intelligent…those traits are why he chose you, yet he wanted all of your good qualities to become invisible.

    Thanks for your suggestion! I’ve never heard of her, but she seems great, and I’ve added her to my post 🙂

    Reply
Add Your Reply

Leave a Comment: