Narcissism for Beginners – A Hand Guide: Part One

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Nov 26
the guide covers the traits, behaviors, and physical descriptors of targets that make excellent sources of Narcissistic supply.

How narcissists think

Greetings newcomers!  Finding a good source of supply is difficult, time-consuming, and entails exhibiting human emotions that are considered desirable in a romantic relationship.  Although this is highly bothersome and a huge drain on your egoistic activities, you will enjoy a big return on little investment.  These are tried and true tactics from contributors who’ve experienced years of successful supply acquisition. Learn how narcissists think in this handy guide.

How Narcissists Think

Part One of the guide covers the traits, behaviors, and physical descriptors of targets that make excellent sources of Narcissistic supply.  This seems to be a perpetual concern since Narcissists, as a demographic, want to ensure they find the best supply with the least possible effort.  Increase your chances on the first attempt so you can resume important priorities such as avoiding employment and adult obligations, shopping for the latest clothes and accessories, serial adultery, and travel/entertainment on your target’s dime.  With the right approach, it’s possible that you can go months, or even years, without paying your own property taxes, car payments, or utilities.  Watch your bank account grow as you swindle your source of supply out of their last nickel!

*Throughout the guide, there are references to human emotions that Narcissists are not familiar with.  In order to give you the benefit of mimicking these emotions, we’ve included some handy footnotes for reference.

Traits – Always Judge a Book by Its Cover

When selecting a source of supply, you should choose one that is at least a few steps above you on the social ladder.  This means they should have more education, income, and property than you.  While Narcissists innately couldn’t care less about their supply as an individual, these traits will make you look great by association.  Imagine introducing them to your circle of friends…they will swoon over your ability to ensnare someone of such high caliber.  And, you’ll really look put together at company parties (assuming you choose to work; it’s good for appearance’s sake).

Where might you find these golden eggs, you ask?  Since sources of supply are of high intelligence, they can be found working as managers at your local bank, reading intently at Barnes & Noble, or in executive departments of most Fortune 500 companies.  As they also tend to be creative and passionate, other examples of prime supply include teachers, artists, and entrepreneurs.  If in doubt, look into their eyes.  The best sources of supply look honest, decent, and genuine.  These traits will ensure they will try to stick around, even when the relationship has seen better days, because these types want to believe they’ve given you their all in an effort to secure your love[1] and affection[2].  These unsuspecting targets actually believe you are capable of these emotions.  It’s enough to make one feel sad[3], if we were capable of compassion[4] .

Behaviors – Higher Morals = Higher Profits:  Financial and Tangential

When on the prowl for good supply, you will want to secure one of high morals.  This means they will be very generous with not only their money and time, but also forgiveness.  Making sure your target is of high moral values ensures your ability to live your life in the manner of an individual who is single, while reaping the benefits of having a devoted partner.  Advantages of this include:  not making contributions to the shared residence, coming and going any time you please, the ability to retain a lover or two on the side, and not caring about your source’s welfare.  These types also tend to be caretakers, ensuring you’ll never have to bother with mundane tasks such as cooking, cleaning, or laundry.  It also maintains your freedom to preen, plot, and party.  Partners with high morals will initially display disdain at these behaviors, but over time will develop a saint’s tolerance for them.  It’s a win-lose situation…you can thank us later!

Physical Descriptors – It’s Not The Kill, it’s The Thrill of the Chase…Uhmmm, Actually, It IS The Kill

Nothing shouts triumph more than claiming victory over an attractive specimen.  After all, it’s only through the slow, deliberate destruction of their self-esteem that we can experience the ultimate gratification.  In other words, only through making them feel black as coal can we shine like a diamond.  Better yet, when they turn co-dependent, you can humiliate them in public places.  There’s no greater high, well except maybe flaunting a would-be lover in their face, but that will be covered later.

Narcissists place emphasis on physical appearance, and not merely for the “trophy factor” one might expect. Narcissists are interested in attractive partners partly because they believe such targets may be most susceptible to their ploys! The interest of a great-looking target is piqued because such targets are so used to being approached through flattery. The better-looking the target, the more insistent you must be, and the higher the high when you bring them down.

Look for Part Two, where we will cover the basics of ensnaring your supply like a pro!


[1] Love – a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person; a person you love in a romantic way (outside observations will be necessary)

[2] Affection – a feeling of liking and caring for someone (look it up on YouTube or something)

[3] Sad – affected with or expressive of grief or unhappiness (you will witness this emotion a lot from your source of supply; no need to take outside notes)

[4] Compassion – sympathetic awareness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it (I got nothin’; watch a Disney Movie)

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(60) comments

Terri October 10, 2015

Thank you all for your posts

Reply
Terri October 10, 2015

I’m with a npd dating 6 months. Have been here before with another significant other. She fits all of the above and recently is devaluing big time and we are on our way to hreaking up. She is a monster liar parasite. I thankfully have lost only money at this point. I don’t really know if I love her, I just know I’m not smothered when I’m away from her and I feel better! She lies about stuff all the time and always needs money. I thank God that at 6 months I can get out. Yes I am addicted to her and it sucks. God give me strength to leave her now, as we are doing a long distance ” relationship” – it’s not a relationship – it’s hell.

Reply
lin May 7, 2015

He left me again. we have a beautiful child, Hes done this five time since shes been born. He said if I wasn’t so stupid and ugly he wouldn’t be an alcoholic, its my fault. He didn’t like it because im body building, he didnt wont me to better myself.he didn’t like it because ive go 10 dilpomas, , ive been mentally hurt, head butted, strangled, locked in the cupboard, he wees the bed , etc. so he gos with very fat .because hes says their be grateful, and there are easy, and he will get respect.. He always says its not his fault, not his problem its always some one elses fault.

Reply

[…] the same reasons we are. Beautiful people make them look good by association. Check out my article, Narcissism for Beginners, (link: http://letmereach.com/2013/11/26/narcissism-for-beginners-a-hand-guide-part-one/)   for a […]

Reply
Dr Blabby October 16, 2014

Excellent article ! Thank you. I have had a narcissist Father, boyfriend – and now a husband who I am dumping after several years on a roller coaster. The abuse started very slowly… and pieces of my soul started dying.. and I knew I had to get out as I would not sell my soul to any devil – not even him. He was dumb enough not to realize I still had the password to his Email account. He had been “working” out of town for 6 wks and met a woman, apparently. The guy who told me he was working 12 hrs a day 6 days a week and had NO time for anything else?? Well.. I found a receipt for FLOWERS at 70.00 and was angry on several counts. Out of town and behind my back – the World was his oyster and could turn on his charming self to snag one believing I would NEVER find out. I confronted him. He claimed she was a “friend”.. He’d only been there a month and managed to snag one.. I confronted HER and she just stuttered saying.. “it’s not like that.” I believe we were a MARRIED couple.. and if it isn’t LIKE that.. WHAT IS IT?? Anyway.. Things got ugly and I demanded a divorce. Two weeks before I believe there was some kind of projection going on as he threatened to smash in my face, abandon me at a bus station with no money and change the locks – saying ” You better find another place to live!!” … I was so shocked — he’d been emotionally/verbally/financially abusive.. but NEVER screamed he’d hurt me. I was afraid. Long story short.. ( I am NO kid.. but 65 yrs old… ) I have contacted the police, will get my furniture out of that house — and divorce him.. The article was very helpful — with a bit of humor / levity to lighten the mood… BUT what really hit home?? The part about being the LAUNDRESS, COOK, AND HOUSEKEEPER!! He tried to get money out of me.. but I was too smart for THAT. I owned my own house and he thought he was sitting on a windfall down the road.. HA. Not happening.. I am considered beautiful – “arm candy”… and he played it to the hilt.. OUTSIDE the house.. Inside?? He neglected me, avoided me, ignored me, undermined me, and did every possible thing to hurt me — then pretending the next day that NONE of it ever happened.. Yes, they are very disturbed… RUN!!! RUN to the nearest exit when you realize that YOU are making all the effort – feeling like a piece of garbage – and no matter what you do.. YOU are wrong!! BLAMED for everything?? That is not a life.. That is a prison. GET OUT!!

Reply
    Ducks@aol.com November 8, 2014

    Oh dear Dr. Blabby, I am so sorry you also experienced this. My BPD/NPD had the police come take me out in the end. He could not end thing normally. I broke our engagement twice in 4.5 years, and long story short I was waiting on my apartment being ready. He would drive me crazy every day, telling me I was lying about moving to the apartment. From half way through your post onward I can totally relate. 90 days later he is still holding some of my belongings in ‘his’ house and of course the things he likes are ‘his’. The man has more than enough money to buy whatever he wants. Anyway, I could write a very long post but in a nutshell I want to tell you your Ex is also a classic textbook case of a PD. Hope you are doing OK now.

    Reply
Melissa October 11, 2014

This page has opened my eyes! I was still feeling broken. Afterall, I was a piece of shit, whore, no good bitch. In five months I went from being happy, healthy, I was an assistant manager and all around life was good. When I found out he was cheating I packed up and moved 7 hours away, but my heart still ached. I was at rock bottom. No job, homeless, addicted to drugs. He told everyone he worked with that I was crazy. He cut everyone out of my life. I was only allowed to hang out with his friends. And even then, if I smiled or looked happy around them. I must want to sleep with them. I cried daily and my counselor promised it would get physically abusive. But I stayed. Now after reading, I know I’m not alone. It wasn’t love, he was dark enity and sucked everything out of me. I’m gonna heal and now I know the red flags. Thank you!!!

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    Kim Saeed October 11, 2014

    Melissa, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

    I’m glad to know you are in counseling. You may also benefit from trying some of the healing tools here on the site. There is a spiritual aspect to healing that helps with repairing the damage that was done to your soul. That may look different to different people, but psychic cord-cutting and clearing your chakras may help. Also, many people have found reiki massage helps get rid of the poison that builds up from being around a toxic person.

    Best of luck on your healing journey!

    Reply
    Dr Blabby October 16, 2014

    Melissa,
    Stay strong. That’s what those A**HOLES do.. They suck the life out of you – your kindness, generosity, compassion – because they have none of their own. They want to be YOU so are emotional vampires.. It was not YOU that he wanted.. He wanted what you could do for him – what you could give him.. Women are interchangeable for these guys. Anybody an fill the bill – they just want the ones with the best payoffs!! I have been where you are – more than once. You would think I would have learned from the first guy I was with!! Mine turned his entire family against me – I was totally alone an hour from my family, my job, my friends… isolated and neglected. We have all been called names – anything to degrade us and humiliate us to make THEM feel better? DO NOT GIVE THEM THAT POWER. You will go on to have a happy life. HE will die a miserable piece of sh*t!! Broke. Nasty. Alone.. And that charming guy you knew once upon a time? He will get OLD – and NOBODY will want him.. Rumor has it.. narcissists do not get better with age.. They get WORSE as their bodies are selling them out … They THINK they are 15 yrs old and still the stud muffins they once were.. but the mirror… will sell them out.. YOU are free. Celebrate!! They will never be happy. And, that .. my dear, is the best revenge…. Showing HIM you are living a happy life.. WITHOUT him.. He will be back — they always are.. But remember… NO CONTACT. The second you say hello… you’ve let them in the door to abuse you again. NEVER NEVER NEVER open that door. Peace — and Good Luck to you.

    Reply
    paul October 20, 2014

    Thank you for that, Kim. Our last communication was early September when I told her she lacked empathy, self-contradicted, was equanimous (she used the word equitable..) and (self) righteous. She just wrote ‘righteous.’ I followed/stalked her on Facebook until I saw the photos of the new man with her on a gleaming motorcycle. I think I told you it was my dream to show her more of my country (Ireland,) by bike. So he got there before I did and it helps that he is from her country..and all the other hooks he has for her. I’m not sure if she did this deliberately but she kept me as a ‘mutual friend’ on the social media ‘site until the day he declared they were in a relationship. If my sleeping was bad up on till then it went from bad to worse and I would be looking/agonising at her page in the small hours translating the comments ever so carefully so I didn’t hit a ‘like’ by mistake. I didn’t, as it happened. I seemed to take a curious comfort in being able to still follow her/their progress and recognised the same kind of provocative comments that she used to direct towards me, just now they are viral. A few days later and I noticed the image of the bandaged thumb and the page was no longer available. I can still reach her (public) page without all the love bombing but there he is and the bike for all to see – and her more artistic/creative side. The more I read the more I identify with in my feelings/stuckness/addiction and the more I see of her narcissistic features. So I’ve gone from complete denial to over-identification and now seem obsessed with the narcissism phenomenon. I’ve thrown myself into other things like getting physically fit, learning a musical instrument and having put it off for so long, getting a MOTORCYCLE on the road. A friend said, “if you can do all that, why can’t you get your head together..?” I’m still working on that one…

    Reply
      Sheryl October 20, 2014

      Paul, hang in there. Move on. You’re far better off without the drama.

      Dr Blabby,
      Sometimes I feel like just running. It’s been ten months since I found his indiscretions and after he got into counseling found out he’s a narcissist. But apparently now he’s a self-realized narcissist and working to change. His counseling doctor tells me he experienced a personality split during childhood due to being raised by a narcissistic father. The doctor tells me he believes my husband is sincerely desiring and working towards change. We’ve been married 21 years. He’s had multiple emotional affairs, but swears he’s never had sex with them. Not sure I believe that. I’m petrified daily that I’m making the wrong decision by staying to see if he really changes. After learning of his narcissism I went into study mode on the topic. I was stunned and horrified to learn how well I’d been played and realize how much I’d been emotionally, financially, and verbally abused. I feel two distinctly different feelings all the time now. 1. Run, get out. 2. I miss the person I thought he was… Maybe the doctor is right and he really wants to be that nice, caring, doting husband 100% now. Thoughts?

      Reply
paul October 3, 2014

Dear Kim, I’m not convinced my narcissist will have the same easy time/walk over with her next source of supply. A lot of what you said about love-bombing is happening okay and it appears I have lost her to a trophy partner who, luckily for him (and her,) is even younger than she is. I cannot believe she would dare treat him so badly…if he’s such a catch and he can manage her inconsistencies, betrayals, contradictions, lack of empathy, lack of insight into her own behaviour, lack of recognition of irony, aloofness, loftiness and stubborness – and sense of entitlement….Don’t you think he may be cooler and more calculating – maybe he understands the nature of narcissism better than I did. I studied this, mainly through reading Mr, Sam Vaknin’s stuff about a decade ago yet I seem to have forgotten everything I read in that when I met her, I was so bowled over by her tornado/thunder-clap approach that I misread the classic routine of over-idealisation, slow destruction and discard. Or perhaps I’d just failed to internalise what I read – or maybe I was just lonely. My mum had not long died and I was falling to pieces mentally and was not in good shape physically. I must have looked pretty rough when she came to the door but kept “reassuring” me that it was about my aura – not how I looked. She, on the other hand is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen – kind of Marilyn Monroe with high cheekbones and, despite having had a very traumatic life with father beating her till her back was bloody and suffering oppressive conditions of worth from the mother, the husband sleeping around behind her back and then – giving birth to a disabled child…despite all this she looks about half her age. She ticks ALL the boxes for n.p.d. and more…everytime I read a piece on the topic I recognise her. Still crazy about her – the charm, the persona(s) the thrust and assertiveness, the provocativenes and so on. Yes, I am addicted. I can’t work out if I want to be wrong with my “diagnosis” and she’s just being cruel because she’s so pretty and buxom and can get away with it – don’t you think there’s a link between (physical) beauty and narcissism? So there might be a chance that she could find real happiness with this new man who, she tells me, thinks differently – whatever that means. Another part of me wants her to treat the new man as badly because that would prove he couldn’t win her heart any better than I could. But that would leave three unhappy people instead of just one. Do you think is that the narcissist coming out in me? Please advise, I would be so grateful. P.

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    Kim Saeed October 20, 2014

    Paul,

    Thank you for stopping by and reaching out.

    Her behaviors are all classic signs of Narcissism. Regarding your questions, Narcissists do care very highly for their public image, so they often take very good care of their appearance. (Though not all attractive people are Narcissists). Keep in mind she could also be getting some maintenance work done at a local medi-spa, though may not admit to it.

    Your wanting her to treat the new man badly doesn’t mean you are a Narcissist. This is a common reaction after having been rejected. As for her being “happy” with the new man, it may appear that way for a while, but if she’s really a Narcissist then she’s not happy with him, but with the newness of the relationship and mirroring of her false persona. Don’t pay any attention to her remark that he “thinks differently”. Narcissists will never accept accountability for the destruction of a relationship, so that was her weak attempt at making you feel it was your fault.

    Are you still in contact with her?

    Reply
cardiologist September 2, 2014

In the Hollywood version of Narcissism, it can be either the less famous/Mega Money Maker of the two although the Mega Star can be the ‘abusive one’ to withhold all privileges, monies, gifts, etc. No doubt, it’s a gigilo set-up where the guy is much younger than the woman and his narcissism (career, materialism, rent-free, allowance, etc.) feeds off of her FAME and FORTUNE.
Once the flame only sparks, the romance has died. Many times, it’s the woman who is more fortunate and famous than the man since sex sells in Hollywood and men become fashion models, etc. It might work out better if the man has the GOODS ($$;’s) Fame, etc. otherwise, a two couple competition for fame and fortune ensues and the guys gets accused of being untrue for his ‘female conquests,’ or vice versa. That means the woman wants her freedom to an open marriage, too. Wherein lies the answer: Monogamous Loyalty too boring for all these lustful thrill-seeking, Greed Pots who cannot settle for a mundane life just like everyone else! Is that Narcissism – self-centeredness, greed, coveting others’ wives and goods, and going after them, too? The women flames of Hollywood will have become the American Idols of the future and men love what they proffer: Their flamboyance dancing in their skin flicks’ costuming.

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Maryjane August 26, 2014

When I originally commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and
now each time a comment is added I get several e-mails with the same
comment. Is there any way you can remove people from that service?
Bless you!

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 27, 2014

    Maryjane, I believe you’d need to do that from your end. I did look around under my settings, but it doesn’t allow me to unsubscribe anyone from comments. It seems you have a different host than WordPress, but if your blog settings are similar, you’d go under your dashboard, go to settings, then discussion, and unsubscribe from follow-up comments. Hope that helps! 🙂

    Reply
Sheryl July 30, 2014

You wrote this just a few weeks before I’d realize I’ve been in a 20 year marriage with a a very clever Narc. Over the past seven months he’s actually admitted things that ring startling true with your hand guide. My challenge right now is trying to decide if he genuinely wants to change and will it be permanent. I think I might be getting hoovered. ;'( I feel dead inside and am highly disappointed in myself for not finishing college and having a career instead of devoting everything to this life with him. I’ve been a stay home mom for the last ten years that home schools 3 of our 4 children. Until the lies blew up on him in December I took care of EVERYTHING at home. Even home repairs. He worked and brought home a paycheck. He has always come and gone as he wants and has claimed to be at work; still swears that.

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Payne Within May 8, 2014

Narcs are Evil incarnate! Thanks for opening my eyes!

Reply
    Kim Saeed May 8, 2014

    That’s one way to look at it, Payne. I’m glad you found my article insightful.

    Reply

[…] the same reasons we are. Beautiful people make them look good by association. Check out my article, Narcissism for Beginners, for a sneak peek into the mind of a […]

Reply
He Contacted Me Again, and Again, and Again | aquapisc333 December 2, 2013

[…] is why I’m thankful for Kim Saeed’s blog that focuses a lot lately on The Narcissist. These are obvious signs that I was dating the Narcissist. His attempts to contact me had nothing […]

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 4, 2013

    Thank you for the ping back! I’m so touched to know my blog is helpful to you 🙂

    Reply
Fellow Survivor December 1, 2013

Kim, I printed this out and will use it as a touchstone for discussion tomorrow in my counseling session.

Its funny how Ns are always trying to be something or someone that they are not, and we, at least I, am trying to be myself again. I kind of liked the ol me. Just trying to peel all the garbage that has been applied to me over the years off of my very soul. Also, got to make sure once the garbage has been removed I never allow anyone ever to slap this stuff on me again

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 1, 2013

    I feel for you. Getting away from the Narc is the first step to recovery…but the recovery itself can take sometimes years. I hope your therapist will be able to help you overcome what you need to in order to heal. Good luck on your session 😉

    Reply
      Fellow Survivor December 3, 2013

      Kim, me and my counselor had some fun with your article yesterday. I have been seeing him for just about 6 years starting right after the most recent terrifying rage up until that point. We went over point by point talking about and laughing about each and every behavior pattern. If you step back and look at the behaviors from a non-personal point of view, they are hilarious. I mean, who acts like this?

      Anyway, have you ever watched any of the Vampire TV series of shows. My daughter got me sucked into these several years ago. If you ever have a chance to watch the newest one “The Originals” on the CW channel you will see that Narcs and Vamps are just the same.

      I never realized that you don’t automatically die after a Vamp bites you. They want to keep you around for future meals. You only die turn into a vampire yourself after being bitten if you die with vamp blood in your system. And the vamp will finally let you die when the vamp is tired of feeding on you and so it sucks every last drop of blood out of your body. Sounds so familiar.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed December 4, 2013

        I’m glad to know I could provide some comic relief for your situation, but also a little saddened to know that someone hurt you so badly that you have been seeing a counselor for six years.

        Many people have gotten a kick out of the “How To” guide 🙂 As far as who acts that way…my Ex does, for sure! I got most of the inspiration for the post from going back through one of my journals…now I need to work on Part Two!

        I haven’t seen the vampire shows, but I was once a HUGE fan of the Anne Rice vampire chronicles several years ago. I read everything she wrote. Her first book was Interview with a Vampire. You may have heard of it. It was also made into a movie at one point.

        I’ve read many blogs that liken Narcissists to vampires. It’s such an accurate analogy that you made. They feed off of us until they tire of us and then go in for the kill. Only, then we turn into the walking dead. Literal corpses wandering about with barely a flicker of recognizability left about us.
        That’s why my blog is so important to me. I hope to help people overcome that.

        Reply
      Fellow Survivor December 4, 2013

      Kim, you should have seen me in that first session those many years ago. I was quite a mess. Felt like I was in a dark room with blows coming at me from all different directions. That’s how bad it was. My daughter had asked me to talk to mommy about some bad behavior we both didn’t like. I told my daughter their might be a fight. How little did I know I intuitively knew “don’t cross mommy” or get ready for a fight. I just had never seen a rage quite like that before so it was shocking. I fought back for the first time ever and then its been one constant fight for 6 years, so I am exhausted.

      The tipping point came when she was raging at me last year and I refused to engage anymore. I zipped my lips and told her this was going nowhere and I was not going to yell or raze my voice any longer, meaning for ever more.

      Because of that refusal to engage she kicked me in the nuts and then threatened to call the COPS ON ME!!. That was not the real problem. The real problem was that when she kicked me I instinctively reacted by pushing her back away from me. The real problem was not her kicking me, she had hit me numerous times over the years, the real problem was that she provoked a reaction from me that frightened me. This may be part of PART 2. How they provoke us to behaviors that are so foreign to who we are.

      But now I am still struggling with processing all the good times we had over 26 years and trying to find a balance between those times and the abusive hurtful actions carried out against me over many many years. You know the drill here. How could someone be so kind and generous also be so hurtful and indifferent?

      Reply
        Kim Saeed December 4, 2013

        I am no psychologist, but some Narcissists can also exhibit traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. It seems Narcs can be likened to a Happy Meal. We can get “it” super-sized, meaning all flavors of disordered craziness.

        I know how difficult it is to process the “good times”. In my case, and that of many others, as long as we are giving the Narcissist what they want and need, life can be quite dreamy. Whether their ego is being fed or their wallet is still fat or they feel especially attractive…those are the good times. They don’t want to be alone, so why not let their “source of supply” be part of the recreational activities?

        Part of the Narc personality is that they are fun to be with, have a sense of humor, are usually good lovers, and don’t want to be bored, so there is always a fun trip to take, or concert to go to, or children to have in order to enhance their image.

        I was still very much in love with my Narcissistic husband when I left him, even though I knew he would never change and that I’d been abused. In many ways, he represented things I’d never had in my life before I met him. We traveled a lot to different beaches, Northern Virginia almost every month… I went to Egypt twice and met Munir Sabot, who is the brother-in-law of the ousted president, Mubarak. Yes, I was at his villa on the Mediterranean Sea. It was all very intoxicating. I’d even planned to teach in Cairo and started my internship there.

        But, in the end, when we were back to everyday life, he was a monster. He not only abused me, but my children watched this abuse and it must have effected them, hearing us fighting, me crying all the time, and hearing him say to me that he wanted me to die….etc.

        I left my Ex mainly because I didn’t want my children around him anymore. And, by that time, he’d already killed my soul…but something inside me remembered that there was another life out there…and though I haven’t completely broken free from his black, evil presence…I feel myself getting stronger and happier. You will, too, one day, but it’s very hard, if not impossible, if you are still with them. I am sorry you are going through this.

        Reply
    Fellow Survivor December 4, 2013

    Kim, what you just wrote was beautiful. The emotion, the total essence of you, just jumped right out at me. This is really cool. Bear with me please if you will, I still have some anger to get out of my soul.

    When I could provide what she wanted she was a doll. I mean, the sex was great. But when things got tight ($) there was a whole new ballgame. The signs for me were there all along. 15 years ago we had a very nice house in a very nice neighborhood but she wanted a bigger one. She told me those many years ago, ” if you cant buy me a bigger house, I’ll find someone who will”. I had no idea she really meant it. So I bought her the bigger house. Then about 4 years ago she told me ” I wanted to be married to a man that makes over 6 figures, I was hoping it would be you, but if not, I’ll find someone that does” She really told me that. Then she told me right before she filed for divorce “Are you ever going to make enough money where I don’t have to work?” I told her “not right now” So she divorced me.

    15 years ago, if I had not gotten her this house, she probably really would have divorced me. The things she was saying were not threats, she really meant it. I also had access to the finer things in life through her family. One time she told me ” isn’t a free place to stay in Aspen in the summer and for skiing enough for you?”

    4 months after our divorce, she had already found a guy to take her to hawaii for 2 weeks.; How do I scape this crap off of my soul?

    Reply
      navigator1965 December 4, 2013

      Kim? Mind if I chip in?

      Reply
        Kim Saeed December 5, 2013

        Sorry, Navigator. Just saw this. You are always welcome to chip in. No permission needed.

        Reply
          navigator1965 December 5, 2013

          Thank you, Kim. Reluctant to reference the book on others’ blogs without permission.

          Reply
      Kim Saeed December 5, 2013

      Wow, the similarities in our stories are startling. With me and my Ex, we lived in a duplex that he and his brother owned. It was less than 1000 square feet (There were 4, then 5 of us after we had our son). When we first moved in (which in itself is a whole other story), he said it was just temporary until we found a house. He told our friends that, too. Every now and then, we’d go looking at houses. He’d even call the realtors in front of me, asking about open houses and such. Towards the end, he told me if I wanted a house, I needed to buy it myself. I tried, but with my student loans, I didn’t qualify for anything in a decent neighborhood with good schools. By the time we divorced, we’d been in that duplex for eight years.

      Later, he told me if I had been a good wife, he would have bought a house a long time ago. I asked him how… when his employment had been spotty (twice during the marriage he was unemployed for a year). He said he could have gotten help from his family, but they refused to help him because they all knew what a bad person I was. Of course, this was part of his strategy for me to depend entirely on him for my confidence and self-esteem, but back then I didn’t know any better. It was very painful.

      As far as the new relationship, my Ex left for almost a year the first time I asked for a separation. The day I asked, he left his job and bought a ticket to Egypt. Within two months, he was already married to a girl in Egypt. (They have different ways of marriage there. One is called an “Orfi” marriage, which is used mostly by the younger generation so that they can have sex without all the traditional requirements of marriage). Back then, I was so brainwashed, I continually obsessed about him and after almost a year, I flew to Egypt with my son, who was then only 18 months, in order to get my Ex back. It was horrible. He’d leave me there in the villa by myself while he was still seeing the other girl. Sometimes he’d be gone all night.

      It takes a long time to heal from what they do to us. In fact, people like you and I often develop PTSD and C-PTSD. Even scarier, the occurrence of victims of Narcissistic abuse developing those conditions is almost twice that of war veterans and rape victims (from what I’ve read). Some people never heal, but I’m not giving up.

      Healing is different for everyone. Some of us attracted the Narc because of unresolved childhood issues, some because of low self-esteem, etc. I’m glad you found a good therapist. I visited five different ones and finally gave up because the ones in my area don’t seem to know much about NPD, much less how to treat its victims. However, I am scheduled to visit a new one next week. I was referred to her by my local Domestic Violence center.

      I am going to try some of the Enlightenment methods by people such as Steve Pavlina and Melanie Tonia Evans…I have also found that reading material by Wayne Dyer, Louis Hay, and Deepak Chopra has been helpful. There are also people out there who offer “soul chord-cutting” techniques. Might be worth a shot.

      Reply
    Fellow Survivor December 4, 2013

    Nav, I’m all up for what you have to chip in. What I have written encompasses about 5% of all the weirdness I’v been through in the last 20 years.

    Reply
      navigator1965 December 4, 2013

      I’ve written a book about my 19 years of marriage to a woman with expert-confirmed personality traits. I have some original thoughts on narcissism because of this. If you’re interested, fire me an email at themirrorbooks@gmail.com. No cost – not looking to make a buck. No worries if you’re not interested.

      Reply
hubbiescherub November 29, 2013

Reblogged this on A Narcissist in the family and commented:
To be read by all young women ….

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 29, 2013

    Wow…thanks so much for the re-blog. It really means a lot!

    Reply
strongersoulsurvivor November 27, 2013

Did my ex receive the publicity version of the Guide?! So so true, and so so funny!

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2013

    Ha ha! I’ve been getting that a lot 🙂 I’m glad you found humor in it…sometimes we just have to laugh to keep from focusing on the negative.

    Reply
anupturnedsoul November 27, 2013

Very interesting. Doing a bit of FBI BAU profiling by entering the mind of the Narcissist.

How did it feel being on the other side?

I look forward to more. Keep trusting those great instincts of yours. That book is going to be awesome!

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2013

    Honestly, I had mixed emotions…while I was pleased with my ability to turn it into something comedic, I also experienced triggers while writing it. Which explains why I sometimes have to take a couple of days away from my blog. But, I can’t stop…I’m driven by something internally, a lot of which is a desire to help others who are going through the same ordeal.

    Thanks for the encouragement 🙂

    Reply
      anupturnedsoul November 28, 2013

      That drive is the passion which fuels your posts, and that passion connects you with others. It’s a beautiful thing!

      I tend to write posts more often after something has been triggered, and I sometimes find answers by doing that. We have knowledge within us which we don’t always know we have until we let it speak to us and we listen instead of talking over it or talking ourselves out of it.

      I get the taking a break thing, when you reveal more than you expected to of yourself to yourself, and sometimes in the process to others, especially when you’ve been with a Narcissist, there is a sense that you may have revealed too much and made yourself vulnerable. Which is often how it feels and is when dealing with someone with NPD. That vulnerability is the path to freedom from all the damage Narcissists do. Breaking the silence is a powerful act, but also very jarring.

      Take care of yourself, be gentle with your needs, and keep trusting those instincts 😀

      Reply
Fellow Survivor November 27, 2013

Kim,

Awesome. I bookmarked your site, especially this article under the term “Narc Stuff-Priceless” Thank you for adding a little levity to my day, if only for a short while.

Unfortunately, I became desensitized to the abuse over a long period of time. She would go on trips and hang out in nightclubs while I was at home taking care of everything. Watering the yard, feeding the animals, paying the bills etc. all while she was having a wonderful time. Finally, I just let the grass and plants die. I told her if she was going to go off and leave me at home to take care of everything she needed to hire someone to do it, because I wasn’t anymore. The bonus for me was I only needed to mow the grass once a month and not weekly because the grass was dead.

I violated my number one rule of marriage which is ” do everything your wife asks of you, but don’t take any BS” I loved helping my ex but I should never have taken the BS as long as I did.

Great posts here. It is now required reading for me.

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bethbyrnes November 27, 2013

Kim, this is excellent in that you hit all the traits, one right after another. The narcissist in my life chose me for all the reasons you cite: youth and trusting nature (at the time)intellect (PhD), appearance, money (my family — whom he duped out of $300,000), loyalty and fidelity to him through it all (while he did what he pleased on the side). I cannot believe how closely he fits your profile. I am not rid of him to this day, as he finds ways to try to worm back into my life, all these years later. I truly appreciate your doing this, as, you are clarifying a lot for me. Including my own gullibility.

Reply
    navigator1965 November 27, 2013

    Beth,

    It’s not gullibility. It’s being of good heart, and thus naive to the existence/danger of narcissists. Could also be insecurities which makes one more vulnerable as well.

    It appears we’ve shared similar experiences. I suspect you’re going to find my book very interesting, as narcissism is at its core.

    Reply
      bethbyrnes December 2, 2013

      Yes, I am sure I will. Sorry for the long delay in responding here – things have gotten very busy lately. I am sure narcissists consciously or unconsciously target the trusting and maybe vulnerable among us.

      Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2013

    Beth, I started a reply to your comment…but it was so long, I took the liberty of sending you an email to the one listed under your name in the “comments” category. I hope you don’t mind…

    Kim

    Reply
      bethbyrnes December 2, 2013

      Thank you Kim. I received it and replied. It was kind of you to take the time! I have been so swamped lately, that I am just now cycling back to respond to this note. 🙂

      Reply
thebufferzoneday November 26, 2013

Publishing this in pocket size field guide would be most helpful. 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 27, 2013

    Suggestion noted 🙂

    Reply
Vanessa Dawne November 26, 2013

Excellent start to a well-needed guide, Kim! I don’t hear bitter — I hear dry humour & wisdom, with a touch of warning. I wish I had read something like this before marrying a narcissist & falling down my own hole of hell. I find the sarcasm reflects the coldness of the narcissist as they set about their plan to ensnare. People needing this type of information require a bit of a shock — at least enough to take a step back & look at their situation.

Actually, Kim, I find it all quite delightful & am looking forward to the other sections. 😉

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 28, 2013

    Thank you, Vanessa Dawne! All of the things you detected were exactly what I wanted to convey when I wrote this. I find that a little dry humor is an approach I like in other peoples’ writing, so I thought I’d give it a go 🙂 It’s a step in a different direction for me, so I’m glad to know you liked it!

    I also wished I’d been better informed when in my own “hole of hell”. I knew there was something wrong with my Ex, but only after leaving the marriage did I delve into the world of Narcissism. I’ve even come up with a term for them…Narcoids (Narcissist Humanoids). They look and act like humans. I’m really worried about the evolution of their next generation!

    Reply
      Vanessa Dawne November 28, 2013

      Oh yeah, Kim, sometimes people don’t hear unless the humour smacks them & I think it helps make change a possibility. I can’t tell you how much I’ve learned from your site & hunger for more. 😉

      I am becoming more & more concerned about Narcoids [LUV it] — yes, my mother was cold & selfish & yes, my husband was abusive but I never realized . . . Now, after 15 years healing for both me & my three sons, another Narcoid quietly entered our lives as a soft-spoken, perfect-mother who is isolating a sweet 4-yr-old from her father & family. I didn’t realize the narcissism was hiding until she left for ‘one-week-turned-two-years’ & we found some of her writings — OMG.

      Your insight & information has been invaluable — I’ve been reviewing some of the info with my son but he still can’t quite grasp that he was abused. Time will help but I fervently want to break the cycle with my grand-daughter. Thanks again!

      Reply
Dugutigui November 26, 2013

I got a question: How do I look? 🙂 🙂
Nice post!

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 26, 2013

    You look mah-velous, dahling…

    Thanks for checking out my post! 🙂

    Reply
navigator1965 November 26, 2013

Kim,

Informative and good. My reading inferred bitterness in this, though. You okay?

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 26, 2013

    Thanks for asking, Navigator. Actually, I’m feeling fine…this just came to me today as I was working. I joined a forum recently, which gave me the inspiration for the “hand guide”. There are a lot of people in pain out there who’ve succumbed to the wiles of a Narcissist.

    Reply
      navigator1965 November 26, 2013

      That’s good.

      Reply
      swansm50i October 28, 2014

      Kim. I am married to a narcissist. I am divorcing him finally but it is not over. He has played the delay tactic and is drawing the divorce process out. It won’t be until spring 2015 if then that I am free from him. He already has a girlfriend which he denies of course.c I know I should not be hurt but I am. Reading your blog helps a little. He has no love, no emotion, no care for me at all. He cannot be alone. He has to talk on the phone for the majority of every hur of the day. I have to make it through this ordeal. I must save myself from him. He has to be one of the worst human beings on this planet. I cannot believe it took me 15 years to finally figure out what is wrong with this marriage. And we have been married for 20. He is controlling and abusive in all ways. He is a horrible creature. Will he ever feel the pain?
      Mimi

      Reply
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