Narcissism for Beginners – A Hand Guide: Part Two

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Dec 06

**Trigger Alert – This article may not be appropriate for all readers due to the possibility of triggering.

Welcome back, fellow soul-suckers, err…I mean Narcissists!  Last week, we helped you discover ways to spot the perfect source(s) of supply.  According to our company website, the results of Part One have been exceptional.  Even better, the number of members in our gorgeous community is growing exponentially, making it harder for the general population to recognize our kind, which is one of our primary goals.  Your secret is safe with us!  Without further ado, on to the next step…

How to Ensnare Your Source of Supply like a Pro!

Okay, so you’ve found the perfect candidate for long-term personal gain.  How do you prevent them from getting away?  You’ve already exerted more effort than desired, so let’s cut to the chase, shall we?

The First Date

Since most potential sources of supply have issues with self-esteem (heck, even if they don’t) the first date is a piece of cake.  You don’t really need to do anything differently from your normal routine.  You know how you’ve been charming the socks off of your social circle for years?  It’s like that…

When your date enters the restaurant, look them straight in the eyes as if from first glance, you know they are the one.  When he or she sits down, don’t break the stare.  If you get the right vibe, go ahead and take their hands in yours from across the table.  Sit and look at them as though you are simply speechless.  The best sources of supply love this deep stuff, so if they look affected by it, BULL’S EYE!

Compliment them on their appearance…their eyes, their hair.  Make them feel like the King or Queen of the Universe.  (Not only will you have them in the palm of your hand by the end of the date, the illusion that you are spell-bound will make the devaluing phase WAY more effective later and will have them running back to you over and over again like one of Harlow’s rhesus monkeys!)

Now that she’s under your spell, and the two of you have had a few giggles over a carafe of wine, let her in on how marvelous you are.  The best sources of supply are usually a bit withdrawn at first, so she will feel relieved at your prattling on about yourself.  Though she will feel insanely insignificant when you tell her about that Victoria’s Secret model you dated, it will do wonders to make her work obsessively to keep you later on.  (We both know you didn’t really date that model, but what’s another lie in the big scheme of things?)

Randomly throw in questions that will make you seem interested in her background, childhood, and deepest thoughts.  This way, you can find out what means the most to her and mold yourself like a Chameleon to mirror her.  While your date will think you’re her perfect match, it’s really intended as a way to build up artillery for use later in the devaluing phase, when you strip her (or him) of their confidence.

By the end of the date, make sure you figure out if she uses social networks.  When you get home, visit her Facebook page and find out what music, movies, and restaurants she likes…and get down to business.  You can be like a perfect reflection of her in a matter of minutes! Then, plaster her page with “Thinking of You” messages every seven minutes.    Which leads us to the next step…

Love Bombing

Just as the term sounds, “Love Bombing” is a psychological form of bombing used in the same way as military napalm.  You will fire from all directions:  call on their cell phone and/or land line at least five times every hour, send messages via social networks several times a day, send flowers and gifts to their office, show up to their place of employment a few times a week, casually “show up” at their favorite restaurant when you discover via Facebook they are meeting a buddy there…the possibilities are endless!

In effect, you will instill a false sense of oneness with your target.  Since the average Supply has been disappointed by past experiences in dating, which further lowered their self-esteem, these tactics will have them falling for you like a blind roofer!

Once they’ve removed the walls they built up to protect their feelings, you can zero in on getting into their “cookie jar”.  They will feel so close to you in such a short period of time, they will feel it’s only natural to let you in on another private and intimate part of themselves.

When you’ve gotten this far, BINGO!  You’ve pretty much infiltrated the core of their being.  The rest is a piece of cake.  Go ahead and introduce the idea of a committed relationship, even marriage.  Never mind it’s only been seven days since you met.  You’ve found yourself a prime source of supply!  Don’t forget to cement the false illusion by talk of the future…complete with a home and children.  If that’s not their forte, talk about all the travelling you two will do together.  Never mind that your Supply will end up paying for everything out of their pocket.  You’ve got this in the bag!

For my followers, this article is intended to help victims and survivors of Narcissistic abuse to comprehend the cold, calculated thought processes of a typical Narcissist.  It is no way intended to make you feel badly for having fell prey to one of them.  The fact is, Narcissists typically choose the kindest, most generous souls to take advantage of, but that is not a reflection on us, it’s a reflection on them.  

**”Narcissists like power, including the power of conquest. They seduce you, pulling out all the stops to make their affection seem genuine in order to exploit you, or entertain themselves, or prove that they still have what it takes to hook a target. 

Essentially, they want to win, although what exactly constitutes winning changes with their circumstances and mood”. ~ **Donna Andersen, author of Lovefraud.com

“Don’t judge yourself by what others did to you.” 
― C. KennedyOmorphi

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(11) comments

Chloe June 9, 2015

Ok so I broke up with my bf 2 months ago and I just started seeing a therapist about my self esteem issues. I am pretty much exactly all of the things you described in the “victim”,(not bad looking, really good education, have higher values, respect ppl, work at a really good company etc). IBeing a very pragmatic person, I ve been replaying all the events in my head from the beginning until the end trying to rationalize everything and going crazy, and the moment I read about the “first date”, which is 90% exactly what happened, I am at work and I just ran to the bathroom and cried while I was laughing out loud, this indeed what should be taught at every school, there should be a”how to spot a narcisist 101” course. Yo do indeed deserve a national service award for this blog.
Thank you, I will get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Thanks for sharing that, Chloe! I love using humor to deflect the harsh reality of it all. I’m glad to know you got a good laugh out of the article 🙂

    Reply
Wendy Powell December 8, 2013

Love your writing style. It is fun and accurate! I am starting to come to the conclusion, that I really did not know what a good relationship was supposed to be like. I have tried to write about it. http://ow.ly/28zXrt

Reply
Fellow Survivor December 6, 2013

Kim, as you know this is a process. And yes, I have thought about the funeral where i would have a big bon fire and burn a bunch of stuff. But, I still have letters from my high school girlfriend and college girlfriend that I saved. They both broke my heart just as bad and the letters are valuable to me today. Also, the ex was going to throw out “in the trash out” our wedding portrait and her bridal portrait but my daughter pulled them out of the trash. I have them now, but I need to get them to the Ns Mom so she can save them for my daughter in later years. We were once a happy family before the N dad came into the picture.

We are divorced today because of the N dad, of that I have no doubt. As mentioned before, when I met my ex she told me “I hate my dad, he is the worst dad ever” Right then and there I should have run for the hills. But we were both lying naked in bed as young 20 somethings so I wasn’t thinking straight. Then the ex’s Mom is at our dinner table over Christmas. Her daughters go to see their N dad in Aspen. The mom says ” I don’t know why the girls would even go see him, he was a horrible husband and an even worse father” I piped up, “the same reason Jesse James robbed banks” The mom didn’t get it so I had to explain, ” because that’s where the money is”. My ex N was mad at ME, not her mom

Kim, this is what makes it so hard for me. The ex pleaded with me not to let her become like her dad. She told me he was a horrible father. The mom says he was a horrible father. The sisters think he is/was a horrible father. But he came into our lives and saw a really happy family, which he was not the cause of and began the slow but sure assassination of my character to my ex. But like my friend says that has known my ex within a week of my meeting her, its not his fault. She knows what kind of man he is and she knows what kind of man you are. She made her choice and it wasn’t you.

Kim, if you ever want or need me to back off posting just let me know. I can go on and on and on. But I have stories that may even shock you.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 6, 2013

    I would never ask you to back off. Your input is testament to the fact that what they do to us goes all the way down to the soul level.

    When I mentioned the funeral…it doesn’t really involve anything tangible. I wrote down, individually, some of the most painful memories of my Narc. Some had to do with him directly, some had to do with dreams and people I missed out on while with him.

    I had a symbolic funeral, complete with a eulogy. I then released the memories into a nearby river where the water rushes…sweeping the paper away to somewhere unknown. It was like releasing my pain into the Universe and in return, I felt peace.

    Some people choose to burn their memories, some go so far as to put them into helium balloons and release them. It’s all a matter of which symbolic act would provide the greatest sense of release.

    If you’d like, you can email me at letmereach at yahoo dot com. (Sorry, WordPress gets antsy when we type in emails with the free version).

    I may not provide as much help as your counselor, but I can share things I’ve done to help release the past…of course, like you said, it’s a process, but I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago 🙂

    Reply
      Fellow Survivor December 6, 2013

      Kim, I’ll take you up on that direct com., but first a short story about the man who ruined my life. Did you ever see the movie “Aliens” where the heroes battle the evil aliens and think they have won only to find out the Momma Ailen is 20 times larger than what they have been fighting and she is REALLY mad. Well that’s my ex Ns Dad.

      First, a quick story about this guy. He has a brother that dies in a tragic accident but leaves behind a small infant. The young lad is now approaching 18 and the Mom/grandmother is on her death bed. The ex N dad has the dieing mom change her will to cut out the dead brother so the young nephew/grandson is completely cut out of the will and his father’s portion thereof. That way ex’s N dad gets his dead brother’s portion of the estate. Remember, the ex’s N dad is worth 10 mil and the poor lad lives paycheck to paycheck. Sound familiar?

      That story takes the cake as far as scum bag N’s are concerned because the young lad was an innocent child. But this is also horrible. The N Dad has a best friend along with the best friends wife. The live in the same Condo facility in CA. At this time they are in their 30s and 40s. Well the best friend and his wife set him up on dates etc for 20 years. The best friend was his personal attorney and best man at his second marriage. (The second marriage was in Palm Springs, really awesome by the way.) That was back when my family was off the radar, there was plenty other N supply out there to accumulate for him. Anyway, this is very sad. The best friend’s wife gets breast cancer. The best friend calls N dad for moral support etc. He never goes out to visit. Then that wonderful woman died. The best friend calls and tells N dad the funeral will be in 3 days. I am sure that very nice man had plans for N dad to be a pall bearer. Anyway, at the time me and my ex were still ONE. He was on the outside. She looks at me and says ” I feel really bad that she died, but at least it will get dad out of town for a couple of days” We were in Aspen at the time. Spring break skiing.

      My then wife asks her dad “well dad, when are you going to CA for the funeral?” N dad says “the emergency ticket was $1000 and I didn’t want to pay that” He lives in a 5 million dollar house and he didn’t wan’t to pay $1000 to go be by his best friends side in a time of need. So, Kim, this man was my ex N wifes teacher. I never stood a chance once her heart turned from me and my love to him and his money.

      Reply
navigator1965 December 6, 2013

You deserve a national service award or something for this blog.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 6, 2013

    Navigator, thank you for the encouragement. You have no idea how much your comment means to me.

    Reply
      navigator1965 December 6, 2013

      While I tend to concentrate on theory and big-picture social implications, I am not immune to the pain and suffering that narcissists cause, obviously. Your writings serve their victims so well, and act as a warning to others.

      Reply
Fellow Survivor December 6, 2013

Kim, in the beginning of our relationship it wasn’t quite so pronounced because we were still in college and pretty broke. But I do know this, I started blowing off friends to be with her, I was paying half of her utility bills etc. Also, in those early days my ex recognized that she had narc tendencies or “fleas” like interrupting conversations, steering conversations back to herself, and talking loudly. We even had a system where I would alert her to these behaviors so she could stop herself.

But this I do know, she was mirroring me the whole time. I thought for sure I had found my soul-mate and best friend we were so alike. Our friends even called her a girl “me” and they called me a boy “her”. The problem with this, in her case anyway is she actually became the act.

And this is why it is a problem. When she wanted me to be happy with her and serve her she mirrored me. But, But, But, when she wanted her Dad to be happy with her and serve her she mirrored him.

Now when we met she hated her dad. He is a super N to the max. Never went to a single childhood event of the ex, even missed her sister’s birth. When my ex was 8 her parents divorced and she was “happy” when it happened because all the raging and fighting stopped. So, by the time she was eight she had witnessed the dad raging and getting his way on everything. She begged me not to let her become like him. I asked her once what were you looking for in a man that you would marry and her answer was ” NOT MY DAD” So I am the opposite of him. I served my ex with grace and love and rarely miss my daughter’s events. Maybe 5 in 17 years.

We all know N’s size people up for what they can do for them, not according to what is in their hearts. So the dad is super rich. She must have sized him up for what he could get her, trips, houses, cars etc that I could not provide. She had sized me up for my social status. She was a nobody at the time and I new a lot of rich people in town although I was not one of them.

OK, so now how does she go about this. She starts to mirror him to become just like him. She was probably pre-programmed from those early years, who knows. Her loyalties shifted overnight from me to the dad. She became just like him. Remember, she picked me to marry because I was “not him”. So if she became just like him and I was the “not him” things can’t work out well for sure.

I am one of those empathetic, sensitive, emotional males so I must have had a big target on my back that said “Supply” in large red letters.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 6, 2013

    Dear Fellow Survivor,

    It seems you know the Narcissistic personality quite well. However, I personally admire empathetic, sensitive, emotional people such as yourself. I think those are wonderful traits to have, as do many people.

    I know your Ex hurt you, but that doesn’t mean you deserved her abuse because of your genuine soul. I believe in Karma and the Law of Attraction, both of which state that what you give is what you get. In other words, Narcissists might get away with their behaviors for a while, sometimes years, but in the end they will reap what they sow.

    As for people like you and me, who are still dealing with the aftermath, there is actually a gift in the curse. We didn’t deserve what we got from them. But, I think we became so blinded by love, attraction, and wanting that person that we turned a blind eye to the lessons that were put before us along the way. Once we wake up and see them for who they are, we are able to finally break free, heal the parts of us that attracted them, and live a very joyful and spiritual life.

    As for myself, my Ex was symbolic of the issues I dealt with in childhood, and I subconsciously tried to resolve them through him. But, he only made those wounds fresh and raw. That never would have changed, just as things would never have changed with your Ex.

    Have you ever “held a funeral” for your pain? If not, it might help to release some, if not all, of your past so you can move on. It’s helped me…

    Reply
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