First Christmas Without the Narcissist?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Dec 20

It’s the Christmas season and the forums abound with people who want advice on what to do about their Narcissistic partner or Ex.  Some struggle to go No Contact, while others consider letting the Narc back into their lives, all for the sake of the Christmas spirit.

Detaching from the Narcissist is no easy feat.  Moreover, the spirit of the holiday season brings with it a certain nostalgia that will lead many to make the regrettable mistake of expecting a “Miracle on Narky-fourth Street”.

Recall Christmases past with your Narcissist.  Remember that particular mean streak they reserve for only special occasions?  Has there been one fond memory during Christmas that lasted beyond their opening the gift(s) you got for them?  Isn’t it enough that they already ruined Christmases past for you and your children?  Haven’t they always been absent from the festive planning (and spending), anyhow?

It may be the Christmas season, but it’s not better to spend it with someone who will abuse you than to be alone.  If you really want to do something special for Christmas, load up on the chocolate and wine (or scotch and your favorite hors  d’oeuvres), nail some two-by-fours to the front door, and put on the Christmas music.  You (and the wee ones, if applicable) can then sing around the Christmas tree in your own version of the Whos in the Grinch That Stole Christmas.  Here are some lyrics to get you started…

Fah No Contact! Dah No Contact.
Welcome Christmas, come this way.
Fah No Contact! Dah No Contact.
Welcome Christmas, Christmas Day. 

Welcome, welcome! Dah No Contact.
Christmas Day is in our grasp.
So long as we have hands to clasp.
So long as we don’t see his a**. (Okay, this last line is only if you’re alone)

As a reminder, the Narcissist’s heart will NOT grow three sizes that day, and he/she will still have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile.  If you need some encouragement to keep No Contact, hang a page of your diary on the tree, compose a toxic Christmas song out of their last nasty voice mail and put it on continuous loop, or open your medicine cabinet and gaze upon the prescription nerve pills you had to go on when you almost had a psychotic breakdown after their last episode of Narcissistic rage. 

And if that doesn’t work, recall how they almost never bought you a Christmas gift…opting instead to slip you a twenty-dollar bill because they didn’t “get the chance to go shopping.”  Give yourself the gift of empowerment so that you don’t end up loathing yourself for falling for their lies and hoovering once again.

Want help navigating the narcissist during the holidays? Get your free download by clicking the button below. 🙂 It’s a great asset to print out and keep handy whenever you need clarity during the holidays!

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(28) comments

Mel December 12, 2016

I am Sat here with tears streaming down my face. Xmas should be the happiest time of the year but this year not for me. Why would someone you love tell you that you mean nothing to them? How could he be so cruel? Instead of wanting to spend time with me over the holidays he is off on holiday to see a male friend or so he says. I need to get myself away from him and his lies. Starting no contact immediately no going back I have got to keep telling myself I am worth more than he can give me. He is not my reality. I will get better I know I will. Mel xx

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    Ellie December 21, 2016

    L
    I understand. This is my first Christmas after divorcing my narcissist. I’ve maintained no contact for almost a year and while painful during the ho!udays, You Can Do Thius. Every time you start to think good thought just say” No” out loud!!! It works. Feeling horrible is part of the process and you will feel that way but you will get better. I promise.

    Reply
rainbow7777 December 20, 2014

Well, another year has gone since last Christmas and here we are at Christmas time again. It is so nice to be sitting here in my garden amidst the plants, trees and greenery, listening to the sound of the wind and the birds, with the wind-chimes gently making their song heard. It is so lovely to live in a peaceful home, uninterrupted by drama of any kind.

Over this past year, I have become a lot stronger and instead of being tentative with my boundaries which leaves me somewhat victimised and wavery, I am now able to state my boundaries a lot more firmly.

The truth about all this for me. goes as follows.
A. It is highly improbable that the N will ever change.
B. I will certainly NOT get a Christmas present and he will certainly ask if I have got one
for him.
C. My hopes for a lovely shared Christmas will all come to nothing (so what else is new)
D, It will be a lonely time if he is around and it will also be stressful.

Instead, I am busy creating my own version of how I want my Christmas to look and be. It involves spending some time with good friends and also enjoying a peaceful and happy day doing things that mean something to me, independent of the N. Since my boundaries have got a lot stronger, I am sure that he has moved on to new supply since the options around me have been cut off at the front door and he does NOT have the key to my heart or the supplies in my home or to the supply that is me with the nurturing and love that he used to get from me; ALL STOPPED AND GONE! HEAR THAT! STOPPED AND GONE; NEVER TO RETURN!

I am happy, peaceful, there is no more drama or angst and life is good. To all those people out there who are still struggling with NC or struggling with how to make sense of it all, there IS hope. Continue to heal and move within yourself and one day, you will be in a different place; that I CAN guarantee.

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Dr. Nicholas Jenner December 20, 2014

Reblogged this on Dr Nicholas Jenner PsyD MA.

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jennifer December 17, 2014

Amazing article and just what I needed to hear right now. I am desperately trying to stay no contact. It is 30 days… as with all addiction I am praying to last 90 days as I know that will be my turning point. Thank you so much for your words as it encourages me to stay NC. Merry Christmas.

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    Kim Saeed December 17, 2014

    Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. Wishing you all the best in maintaining NC, as well as your continued recovery. Happy Holidays! 🙂

    Reply
Anonymous December 17, 2014

This struck home, “recall how they almost never bought you a Christmas gift…”

Christmas 2010 I took care of my entire family, his entire family, took care of our child and his from a previous relationship, decorated by myself etc. No Christmas gift. A few days after Christmas he told me my gift never arrived because it was on “back order”. It didn’t show until February shortly before Valentine’s Day. He told me, elatedly, that it was just in time to count as my Christmas AND Valentine’s Day gift. What a gem.

Our divorce finalized one year ago. I get to enjoy my 2nd Christmas without him. LOVE!

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[…] ** Link to original post (publish date Dec 20, 2013) First Christmas Without the Narcissistic Ex?. […]

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Notconfusedanymore December 15, 2014

Too many things just was not adding up —- he is not in my life anymore —– he raged his way out because I refused to believe his lies. No expectations more peace this year fo me.

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Notconfusedanymore December 15, 2014

Christmas 2013 I spent the day alone after a Merry Xmas morning phone call. Several months later I found a picture of him with another woman on that day. Bummer —— I did ot tell him about it, its all adding up.

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kimberlyharding December 23, 2013

LOve it! great ideas on how to remind yourself that Christmas time does not mean it is simply time to forgive and forget and live in delusions. Spend the time creating a new vision and life for yourself- narc-free:)

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    FD B December 23, 2013

    Splendid comment on envisioning a new life! It really is within our reach. And you are correct, forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to lie down and let people walk over us. We need to turn all of that forgiveness onto ourselves and leave the Narcs to deal with their own issues…

    Reply
My Inner Chick December 23, 2013

I agree, Kim.
I’d rather be alone than w/an asshole.
Merry Christmas. Xx

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    Kim Saeed December 23, 2013

    I know, right? I spent way too many Christmases on Assclown Street!

    Merry Christmas to you, too 🙂

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rainbow7777 December 22, 2013

All true. They are just such hard work. They are so empty and have to always seek supply from somewhere or other. They can sometimes manage to be charming and bearable for a few days but that seems to be their limit. They can pretend to have changed for the better, but sooner or later the mask seems to slip further and further to those who know them well. My ex-boyfriend is typical. He gets bored very easily and I can remember one telling comment he made as he was leaving my home one day. “If I get bored, I will ring you.” My response! ‘No thanks. You will have to take care of your own boredom like I do, mine. I have other plans.”

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    Rainbow, yes they ARE hard work. When we are in a relationship with a Narc, it’s a full-time job in addition to anything else we have going on in our lives.

    I also agree with your statement that they can be bearable for a few days. This, of course, is just to keep you hooked in as a source of supply.

    Wonderful comeback comment! It not only showed him you weren’t going to sit by the phone waiting for him, it also highlighted that you chose to set a boundary…something Narcs know nothing of.

    Reply
      rainbow7777 December 22, 2013

      Well, once you know what to look for, they are so predictable. They say the same things that they think you want to hear, but knowing where it is coming from, and knowing that the person who is making it is just wanting to extract supply puts a whole new meaning on the words ‘leech’, ‘vampire’, ‘suck-hole’, ‘street-kid’, ‘user’ and ‘dangerous liaison’. As I have healed and become a source of supply to myself, I have noticed that all the things he did before are now not working. It is funny when you can play them at their own game and enjoy the times when they have to put out energy for not much return, then move out of the way before their nastiness starts. I have found that as I have continued to heal, any attraction I have had has just gone somewhere else; like that song ‘You’re just someone that I used to know’. I only have to look at the results of what he has created in his life, to see what his belief systems are. I mean, he is 40 and his job at present; delivering the local community newspaper for $200 pw. No wonder he needs supply. I have moved on. The supply base is closed for summer (and autumn and winter and spring); in fact, permanently!

      Reply

Very important reminder, Kim. Remember the Christmases past with the (Christm-ass) Narc. Yup. They’re always too busy… and have more important things to do than christmas shop etc.

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    Indeed, and they have more important things to do than involve themselves with menial emotions associated with special occasions. After all, Christmas takes all the focus off of THEM.

    Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    Reply
Winnie December 21, 2013

Such a great post. So many of us can say we have at least one in the family!

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    Thanks for stopping by, Winnie! I believe you are right, according to the forums I’ve read. I was lucky enough not to know about Narcissists until I met my Ex. I then made up for lost time because, as it turned out, both my Ex AND his sister are Narcs. She was actually more vile than he was, and that’s saying a lot.

    Reply

[…] First Christmas Without the Narcissistic Ex? – Kim is in top form in this post, as always, and she is open to answering questions you may have, just be respectful, she is also recovering from being in a relationship with a Narcissist. She has turned a curse into a powerful gift! […]

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    Wow…you made your own blog carnival of sorts 🙂 You are so creative and knowledgeable. I’m very honored to have you as a comrade on this battlefield of exposing Narcs.

    I can relate to your post’s title. I did, indeed, f**k myself over and over again by forgiving. With these people, you can’t do that. At least not in the way we would normally forgive someone. I think there is something bigger than our eyes can see here, and there is literally a battle of good vs. evil. I don’t consider myself a martyr (and damn well made my share of mistakes), but regardless of how Narcs came to be who they are, I believe it was already in their nature to manifest into what we know as “Narcissists”.

    On a lighter note, I believe you are part of my soul family, and the fact that we met on this venue further facilitates my belief. Perhaps Twin Flames? “Twin Flames do not normally incarnate together, except for a higher purpose. At this time, many evolved Twin Flames are incarnating to assist in the raising of consciousness of humanity” Either way, I think we are somehow karmically tied…

    Reply
idiotwriter December 21, 2013

YES! 😉 Happy Christmas Kim ~ Have A BRILLIANT time!

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    You too! I’m feeling grateful to have you as a blog buddy 🙂

    Reply
secretangel December 20, 2013

Love this…

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2013

    🙂 You really ARE an angel!

    Reply
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