If You Want Him Back

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Dec 23

It may seem counterintuitive, but some women find themselves wishing they could go back to their narcissistic abuser.  This is very common and a normal part of the grieving process.  It is the “bargaining” or “negotiation” phase where you try to convince yourself that what happened with the Narcissist didn’t really happen.  You try to make excuses for him as an attempt to understand and process everything.  You try to reason that maybe he isn’t all that toxic or maybe it was your fault that he acted so vile.  You try to convince yourself that it wasn’t that bad or that maybe he needs one more chance and the next time he will be different.

But this is all an illusion.

It is your psyche’s way of trying to cope with and process the pain of the reality that you have been dealing with a Toxic Man.  While your intellect knows that you need to get away from him, your emotions fight for him to stay in your life.  This back-and-forth battle between your head and your heart is why so many women end up going back to their abusers.  This is so common that studies show that women may go back to their abusers from seven to twelve times before they have had enough and leave for good.  That’s why No Contact is a tremendous help.  Hearing his voice will make it harder to stick to your decision to leave, keeping your recovery and new life further from your grasp.

If you have those feelings, visit your support group or counselor, or find one if you haven’t already.  These people will encourage you to call them before you call him, or not pick up the phone when he calls (blocking him from your phone is a good idea).  They are there to help you stick to your decision and not go back to your toxic tormentor.

Besides leaning on a counselor, a friend, or a support group to hold your hand through these bad times, it is essential that you make a list of all the toxic things he did to you and place that list near every phone in your home.  Even tape it to your cell phone.  Then when you are tempted to call him and ask him back into your life, you can reread the list.  It will refresh your memory and put a stop to your impulse to contact him. **

If you don’t have a support group and your friends have stopped listening to your stories, I am offering initial consultations at a discounted price.  I can be contacted at letmereach@yahoo.com.

**Excerpt from Toxic Men by Lillian Glass, PhD

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(5) comments

Wendy Powell December 26, 2013

Well said Kim. I would add, keep a diary and reread it. It is not as immediate as having a note near the phone, but it can be more detailed and easier to remember how bad things actually were.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 26, 2013

    Indeed, Wendy. I kept journals during my eight-year marriage to a Narcissist. There are things written in them that my mind completely blocked out.

    Reply
      Wendy Powell December 26, 2013

      I’ve been dealing with blocked memories, but with my mother. It is shocking to me how well I could keep things hidden from my active memory. I guess it is a survival mechanism.

      Reply
Fellow Survivor December 23, 2013

” While your intellect knows that you need to get away from him, your emotions fight for him to stay in your life”

Intellectually I should have left her 13 years ago, but emotionally I was still hooked. If I did not have a child, I think I maybe would have made different decisions.

I just spent 3 hours at lunch today with a non disordered lovely lady and it was so pleasant. Its so nice to converse with a non disordered person.

Thanks Kim for helping all of us “crazies” try to return to normal again.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 23, 2013

    From one “Crazy” to another…I’m glad you enjoyed your lunch date, and I truly pray for your release and a path toward a new life.

    Reply
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