My inbox overflows with emails from readers who feel stuck, but don’t know what to do to implement change. When I offer suggestions, I get the perpetual, “Yeah, but…”
It’s disturbing because I know that these people want out of their situation, but they don’t believe they have the power. It’s as if they wait for a rescuer to come to their aid, wave a magic wand, and poof them out of their miserable state.
But that will never happen. And even if it did, half of the people rescued would go back to their abuser.
This isn’t Judgment Day. I am in no place to criticize because I was once that person who jumped out of the frying pan into the fire. I broke No Contact, I believed the lies, and I forgave him and let him back in…time and again. Then, one day I chose to leave and start my life fresh. Looking back, I wonder what took me so long. I had it within me the whole time.
And so do you.
“Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.” ~ Eckhart TolleMake the Change
It won’t be easy. If it were simple, people would change at the drop of a dime (and our world would be a bit odd, at that). But, humans are creatures of habit. We like our customs and routines…often at the expense of our own well-being (and sometimes, at the expense of our children’s well-being.)
There are other dynamics at play, as well. There’s trauma-bonding, cognitive dissonance, bio-chemical pathways that have been reinforced over time, and the illusion of love. On top of that, we develop crippling self-esteem issues and become conditioned by our abuser to believe we are worthless. These factors often lead to the following sentiment:
“I attracted this person into my life, I allowed them to abuse me repeatedly, I never stood up for myself, I believed their lies…might as well stay here and stew in my own self-loathing, too.”
But why do that? Why not make the alternate decision, which is to leave and enjoy what time you have left on this earth? Why not take your children out of the dysfunction so they can develop a healthy idea of what relationships are supposed to be like? Children who are abused or who witness domestic abuse are at risk for developing mental health disorders, emotional problems, and poor social skills. These problems can occur alone or in combination. Disorders that could result from abuse and witnessing abuse include:
Don’t leave your future to chance. Get your own apartment. Solicit the help of friends and family members. Contact your local Domestic Violence center, where the staff is fully aware that abuse can be non-physical. They are there to assist, provide resources, and place you into transitional housing. I read forums every day where people make the change and never look back. Yes, there will be a period of uncomfortable transition. But, what’s more uncomfortable than staying in an abusive relationship?
“Once you have identified with some form of negativity, you do not want to let it go, and on a deeply unconscious level, you do not want positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed, angry or hard-done by person. You will then ignore, deny or sabotage the positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Case in point, two days ago as I left the grocery store, I passed a lady who was possibly sixty-five years of age. She was dressed fashionably and had her hair arranged in two cute pony-tails. She was adorable, but what really struck me was the right side of her face, which was swollen due to a nasty black eye. As I passed her, she radiated sadness and anguish. I intuitively felt that she had a partner at home who had done this to her. (I could feel it…that’s what comes with being an Empath). I would wager that her partner started out as a typical drug-store Narcissist, who at one point developed a liking for using his fist.
So, to address the issue, there is no worse feeling than feeling stuck, and knowing you have the power to change that, but not feeling strong enough. However, every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around. Empower yourself, free yourself, become the person you were meant to be!tictoc
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make NOW the primary focus of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle