There is No Worse Feeling than Feeling Stuck

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Jan 16
Trapped

My inbox overflows with emails from readers who feel stuck, but don’t know what to do to implement change.  When I offer suggestions, I get the perpetual, “Yeah, but…”

It’s disturbing because I know that these people want out of their situation, but they don’t believe they have the power.  It’s as if they wait for a rescuer to come to their aid, wave a magic wand, and poof them out of their miserable state.

But that will never happen.  And even if it did, half of the people rescued would go back to their abuser.

This isn’t Judgment Day.  I am in no place to criticize because I was once that person who jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.  I broke No Contact, I believed the lies, and I forgave him and let him back in…time and again.  Then, one day I chose to leave and start my life fresh.  Looking back, I wonder what took me so long.  I had it within me the whole time.

And so do you.

Any action is often better than no action, especially if you have been stuck in an unhappy situation for a long time. If it is a mistake, at least you learn something, in which case it’s no longer a mistake. If you remain stuck, you learn nothing.”  ~ Eckhart Tolle

Make the Change

It won’t be easy.  If it were simple, people would change at the drop of a dime (and our world would be a bit odd, at that).  But, humans are creatures of habit.  We like our customs and routines…often at the expense of our own well-being (and sometimes, at the expense of our children’s well-being.)

There are other dynamics at play, as well.  There’s trauma-bonding, cognitive dissonance, bio-chemical pathways that have been reinforced over time, and the illusion of love.  On top of that, we develop crippling self-esteem issues and become conditioned by our abuser to believe we are worthless.  These factors often lead to the following sentiment:

I attracted this person into my life, I allowed them to abuse me repeatedly, I never stood up for myself, I believed their lies…might as well stay here and stew in my own self-loathing, too.”

But why do that?  Why not make the alternate decision, which is to leave and enjoy what time you have left on this earth?  Why not take your children out of the dysfunction so they can develop a healthy idea of what relationships are supposed to be like? Children who are abused or who witness domestic abuse are at risk for developing mental health disorders, emotional problems, and poor social skills. These problems can occur alone or in combination. Disorders that could result from abuse and witnessing abuse include:

  • Anxiety, depression, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, substance abuse, eating disorders, and suicide.  They are also more likely to grow up to be abusers themselves, with many becoming violent aggressors who end up in prison.
Who Will Save Me?

Don’t leave your future to chance.  Get your own apartment.  Solicit the help of friends and family members.  Contact your local Domestic Violence center, where the staff is fully aware that abuse can be non-physical.  They are there to assist, provide resources, and place you into transitional housing.  I read forums every day where people make the change and never look back.  Yes, there will be a period of uncomfortable transition.  But, what’s more uncomfortable than staying in an abusive relationship?

Once you have identified with some form of negativity, you do not want to let it go, and on a deeply unconscious level, you do not want positive change. It would threaten your identity as a depressed, angry or hard-done by person. You will then ignore, deny or sabotage the positive in your life. This is a common phenomenon. It is also insane.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Case in point, two days ago as I left the grocery store, I passed a lady who was possibly sixty-five years of age.  She was dressed fashionably and had her hair arranged in two cute pony-tails.  She was adorable, but what really struck me was the right side of her face, which was swollen due to a nasty black eye.  As I passed her, she radiated sadness and anguish.  I intuitively felt that she had a partner at home who had done this to her.  (I could feel it…that’s what comes with being an Empath).  I would wager that her partner started out as a typical drug-store Narcissist, who at one point developed a liking for using his fist.

So, to address the issue, there is no worse feeling than feeling stuck, and knowing you have the power to change that, but not feeling strong enough.  However, every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.  Empower yourself, free yourself, become the person you were meant to be!

tictoc

Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make NOW the primary focus of your life.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

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(7) comments

Ex-Bleeding Heart July 22, 2014

So how do you get un-stuck?

I have CPTSD and Asperger’s. I can barely look someone in the face. I have been so severely abused that my current symptoms are now the worst that I have ever experienced. How do I get help?
I don’t know where to go. I own my home, both our names are on it, but I cannot afford it with basic utilities. He will not leave. My children are used as a threat against me, to be taken away, though I’ve done nothing wrong. He lies about my mental health, and with my issues it’s easy for him to be believed. I cannot work. I have no money. No family will help me. There are no shelters where I live. I have no friends to go to.

I know he is bad. I know he is wrong. I don’t want anything from him but for him to leave. I have been trying to get him out. I am fighting with every breath I have and have been for years. So what is this “just go” magic? GO WHERE? HOW? I am really asking. How can I get help if I cannot speak to another person?
Not everyone can go. I am so sick of this “You’re letting yourself be abused” as if it isn’t severe enough! I am NOT letting anyone do this to me!!!!! I am no victim but I am not responsible for someone violating me emotionally and mentally with their abuse all because they can, because I have no escape. I would cut off my own hand if it would save me and my children. I don’t want a magic wand waved over me I want a damn opportunity to get away, even if I have to crawl.

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Dawn February 1, 2014

Yes, Kim, I can certainly attest to the fact that there isn’t much in this world that feels worse than feeling stuck. I have felt stuck for several years now. I am determined to get out of this marriage. I’m not sure how, and I have to admit that I have lost my confidence, but I WILL find a way to a better way of life. I have been through some terribly traumatic events in my life, and each time I would have to reach deep inside myself, find the tiny spark that was still there, and fight and struggle like mad to keep blowing on that spark so that I could stay alive and not give up! Lord knows that many people who’ve been through what I’ve been through would have given up already….and I in no way would ever sit in judgment of any person who committed suicide, because I think most people who commit suicide are simply in excruciating inner pain, and they have lost all hope. But I most definitely have learned what I DO NOT WANT in my life or in my relationships, and I can thank my husband for that. I am so glad that I can read your words and feel immediately that you understand what it feels like to be in my shoes. Thank you for that, Kim.

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emergingfromthedarknight January 27, 2014

Kim, can you please explain what cognitive dissonance is?

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    Kim Saeed January 27, 2014

    Certainly!

    Cognitive dissonance is when you hold two opposing beliefs at the same time. For example, in the case of being with a Narcissist::

    1) Believing his convincing lies, although his track history says otherwise.
    2) Believing all the problems ARE you fault, although you know you’ve done everything humanly possible to make things work.
    3) Wanting to leave the relationship, yet feeling powerless to do so.

    It’s a defense mechanism that we develop in order to survive the abusive situation. It’s also part of why we experience so much anxiety and panic, because though we may manage to survive, internally, we cannot reconcile the two opposing beliefs.

    Reply
Dawn January 24, 2014

This is just a simple thank you.

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    Kim Saeed January 24, 2014

    I thank you for that…I hope it’s given you some encouragement.

    Hugs.

    Reply
Lynda Lippin January 16, 2014

It must be tough to have people who are being abused come out enough to email for assistance and then ignore or rebut the help. I am sure, however, that it is a step on the right path to independence.
http://pilatesandreiki.com/diastasis-recti-pilates/

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