Exposed! 11 Lies Love-Bombing Narcissists Tell

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Jan 19
Lies Narcissists Tell

The New Year abounds with lying liars, as “Narcissistic Lies” remains the number one search term that leads readers to Let Me Reach.

This has inspired me to create this post on the most common lies narcissists tell.  In trying to determine the best format, I resolved to lead in with the first phase of the relationship, where the lying narcissist is preening his potential mate to be good supply.  

Common Lies of Love Bombing

Narc Speak:

  • I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
  • I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
  • No one understands me like you do.
  • You’re the most beautiful woman/man I’ve ever seen.
  • You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
  • My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
  • You’re the best partner I’ve ever had.
  • I think I love you.  I think I want to marry you.
  • I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
  • We have so much in common.
  • He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.

Deciphering the Lies

Wikipedia defines Love Bombing as an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection.  It’s a manipulative tactic used commonly by cult leaders and abusive predators in romantic or other intimate relationships.  Its purpose is to override the target’s critical thinking skills so that the abuser can control and manipulate.  It also appeals to the target’s vanity and insecurity.

Love is the most sought after human need.  So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to analyze the reasons ‘why’ for fear of losing what they’ve desperately been longing for.  In due course, the target becomes blindly dependent on their abuser; all while being hammered into submission.

Black Hole of False Love

Love Bombing includes not only the above phrases, but also over-the-top gestures of attention.  This plays out in the form of constant calls and text messages, gifts, flowers, invites to meet his family, requests to move in together, and splashing your social media sites with cutesy, flirty messages.  Of course, these are all behaviors of people who are courting one another…but not after one date.

In predatory terms, it’s called going in for the kill.  So how can you detect when this is happening and avoid becoming a Narcissist’s target?  Let’s examine the step-by-step process from the Narcissist’s point of view:

First, they have lost their previous source of supply.  Either their former partner left or the Narcissist is in the discard phase of the previous relationship.  Since narcs cannot function independently, they experience an urgent need to replace their partner.  This is why you will find them with a new companion in a very short amount of time.  Sadly, victims who’ve been discarded suffer very low self-esteem when they discover their abuser has found someone new, when the fact is, the Narc has love-bombed a fresh candidate in order to secure a new source of livelihood.  Don’t be fooled by the imaginary happiness of the Narc with his new supply.  Narcs don’t view people as individuals.  They view them in terms of whether or not they will be reliable supply.

Next, the Narcissist will appear to be an exact mirror of the new target, which in this case is you.  Narcs don’t possess a fundamental inner-self, so they mimic that of their potential supply.  This explains why they appear to be soul-mate material.  The truth of the matter, though, is that the Narcissist targets people with positive energy, a good job, resources, intelligence, and the like.  They couldn’t care less about you as a person.  See how this is a recurring theme?

Lastly, a true connection with a potential partner is made through getting to know someone and creating a meaningful friendship.  No one falls in love in three days.  But, the energy it takes to secure new supply is exhausting, so the Narcissist wants to ensure his efforts pay off in as little time as possible.  Instant gratification is the game…and you’re it.

It’s important to note that these statements could very well be made by partners in a genuine relationship.  However, there should be an element of balance.  If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag.  A relationship with a Narcissist is based on deceit.  The love and affection aren’t real, and they will never be.  At least, not from their side.  The only time you will witness these desired behaviors is when the Narcissist thinks you might leave.  You’ll also discover that when you’re back under his control, he becomes his true self again…an abusive, lying cult leader with you as his devoted disciple.

Infamous Love Bombers:

Charles Manson

David Koresh

Ted Bundy

John Wayne Gacy

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(110) comments

[…] finally leave and are now being stalked like an episode of Investigation Discovery, complete with love-bombing and hoovering to the nth […]

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Warning #1: His Living Conditions? / Love Bombing – My Marriage to A Narcissist July 10, 2017

[…] this way and I should have run for the hills at that point but I was so enwrapped in his “love bombing” and feeling like I’d finally found someone who’d fallen head over hills for ME […]

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Asa May 24, 2017

youre beautiful and im not a Narcissist

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Mel March 24, 2017

Listen to Nicole Scherzingers song Run it is about the narcissist.

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KM February 28, 2017

“You and I complement each other, We’re each others strengths and weaknesses”
“You’re my soulmate, my best friend”

That’s what she would tell me. I would listen to all of her problems and support her…but she’d talk over me or get “exhausted” when I really needed to vent. Or the replies were hollow. I gave her a second chance. She said it was going to be different this time. The first month because I was hesitant she was so sweet…almost like the beginning of our relationship. I thought she was serious.

“Is it too soon to tell you I miss you?”
“I’ve always loved your hands. Gentle, like your personality”

These comments stopped after one month in. She told me she was going to be busy but we’ll work through. I remembered the past and within 2 months the emotional abuse and pathological lies and manipulation started. It took me a year and a half to recover from the first time. She broke it off with me then and I had always been looking bad wondering what if…even when she tore my soul and sense of self apart.

I was cautious the 2nd time. Or so I thought. She didnt like how I gained an opinion and that this last time I caught on to her lies. I ended it last week because she lied about her son dying. Posted it on Facebook about him surviving with a minor bleed and we’re not friends on Facebook, this was relayed to me by several friends. We’re both nurses. I know when its serious. She didnt bother to tell me but when I let her know I hope he’s ok, she told me he died instead and was too unstable at the time to contact me. I caught her on it…her reply was “I never said that. I meant almost.”

You don’t lie about death unless you have a serious attention problem. When I said I was done, she was angry and told me “I’m a cursed person and that this confirms it.” So I told her if that’s how she feels then it’s true. No replies since then. But even with that ending within a day I saw she was out in the clubs per social media of course. Within 4 days of talking about her sons accident.

I started no contact again. Everything is blocked and I’m changing my number because I can’t anymore.

This website makes me feel less crazy for the times I miss her…her fake self not the true form. It’s been 5 terrible on and off years. She knew I was gay and helped me come out so I always thought she’d protect me. When it got too hard…I ended up on my own. Reestablished myself and that’s when she came back. This is a warning and reach out to those that leave an opening thinking they’ll change and miss you. She didnt. She’s actually worse than before. I just caught on quicker this time. You go back to step one so fast.

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AJ January 8, 2017

What’s SUPER unfortunate is those who never even auditioned…. To these actors, are mere understudies or replacement cast members in a play where the script, sadly…… always stays the same! They play the same games, use the same tactics, same lines, pet names & methods of “helping”…. of being this “Prince Charming” to them & ALL of (that persons…. usually not their own!!! NOTEworthy too, imho!) friends & family. Setting up to be the incredibly kind, helpful, genuine & deserving (riiiiight, prob. why they can’t maintain stability—be that a relationship OR many times, a job? Are horrible w/ & to authority & situations involving…. road rage, temper, bullying etc) Adult responsibility.. definitely not their strong-suit… Integrity & thoughtfulness, just a learned act; one they’ve mastered by this point) honest, kind person who has in some way, shape or form… been played or wronged. They are “B.A.I.T.E.R.S”, who do wayyyy more fishing OUTSIDE of water, than they do… in, where it involves the actual sport! … trust! Setting up as charming Mr. Wonderful to anyone who will look their way, in public… to friends, family.. Always there to help.. to be the perfect “soulmate” (yeah.. ‘cuz they studied all your likes/dislikes, wants, needs.. desires!!) “How perfect together & for each other” just means they are mirroring YOUR life… as if it were their own. They don’t have true or long-time friends, family etc.. because many saw through them eventually. Were sick of being used, put down, PROVOKED (great at pushing buttons JUST to get a reaction… esp on social media) Speaking of social media, when anyone says “the past is the past”.. Um, sure when it relates to TIME. But in life, the BEST predictor of future behavior IS past. Sure, people can change.. IF they learn from mistakes & make changes. Narcs & abusers tho, are quick to blame but never wrong (even if they SAY they can admit when they are.. its never heartfelt.. nor does change come) Twisting & turning things to fit their own agendas.. Most times, if you want to know about THEM, just read their social media pages & all the things they repeatedly post…….. about others! Meaning…. they are projecting all THEY are doing or have done to someone, like some sick laundry list &/or… as a way to hit at someone’s deepest fears & character flaws they detest in others. (e.g.. someone they left is a wonderful mom who hates liars… They may post some article about “exes who lie & use their children for welfare… OR after abandoning their entire family, literally.. POOF, not a word…. might post about how THEY had been left w/ nothing.. emotionally scared, hurt, what ever will I do, poor me, I miss my children so…… AKA: wait, let me get out my victim card. Looking for pity, a reaction from others OR the abused ex….. The good thing there, is… if/when the other person has character & lives w/ integrity… there’s no need to right-fight or prove anything. Those who know them, family, friends.. & know them well… would already know/realize that is complete & utter BS. Most on their pages, wouldn’t matter anyway. The only bad thing, is if/when there are children involved who can see those things. Those children are the same…. who ARE made up 50% of the very person they are slamming.. It’s one thing to try & attack an innocent victim/ex, but jeez… that’s pretty much as low as it gets, imho… shame on them! They’ll use the same pet names…. “ANything for you, Princess, etc. (prob easier than remembering ALL their names… ugh!) Will agree to help out financially (at first.. for a while anyway.. Trust, it ends quickly!) You cook… I’ll cover groceries. Suddenly it’s their dream to go camping, sleep under the stars in the middle of no where (tho had never mentioned those things the past idk… 25+ yrs) Awww, & would ya look at that, joined a bunch of Italian food groups on FB.. Rico freakin’ Suavvvve…. setting it all up socially, so that when they find someone else… & they will, always do/have (ohhh, they thought they were the 1st? Hmm… nope.. Prob not even close!) All your family/friends will doubt YOU. Say how nice he was, so great, so helpful.. The more that person posted publicly too about how wonderful he/she was… is….. how ahhhhmazing…. how helpful….. what a great guy….. only further boosts his ego, gives him a source of attention… & ends up making you look like the fool. TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS FROM DAY 1… When they are married, but sneaking around.. Looking for a “friend”… a “way out”… (aka.. no where else TO go, your ROOF, your shelter, water, food, cooking, kindness & empath ways!) Married, yet want to move in… day 1…. day 15… don’t fall for it! Just “be there for each other”… sure. Right. Happy, deserving…. of all the things Im sure they said they didn’t get before, which… is yet another tall tale. Idk if people are just naive or ? Has children of an older, near adult age & yet in a DAY…. are claiming the ex brainwashed & manipulated the kids, turning them against him? Utter nonsense. Neat trick tho. Don’t ya wish you had those powers? Boils down to, despite the smears, the love bombing, the hoovering… texts here & there looking to see your reaction, them flying off the handle for NOOOOO reason, the emotional abuse, lack of communication, emotion, empathy, consideration OR parenting…. no responsibility whatsoever… While they may act like they have all those things for a short time, it can all be avoided by (as mentioned) trusting our gut instincts rather than excusing them away… Sticking to our core values & setting up boundaries. Calling people out & not letting them twist things into something else. Sticking to ONE topic unless/until resolved (if they can’t/don’t… get out!) & most of all…. Why people jump into things so quickly w/out checking someone out, I’ll never know. They’ll do all this research on some $2k used car… carfax, etc. Do a peopleFAX or something… See how they treated others before… how many times they’ve been married, relationships, etc.. Check out their social media. Read how they reacted to others posts, controversial or otherwise… Do they congratulate people, slam people. insult them.. ridicule…. How they treated those others while with them. Did they post publicly that they were w/ anyone…. that they were married… did they wear their RING??? Talk about their spouse online…. ? Positively or otherwise…. Ask yourself AND THEM…. why. The past is not merely the PAST & sadly, there are B.A.I.T.E.R.S. everywhere just waiting for kind-hearted, giving, understanding, loving people who will dote ALL over them & tell them evvvverything they want to hear in that moment; who would never think anyone could be like that to even consider it……in the first place.. trust! These days esp. we cannot go into things w/ blind faith & just give people the benefit of doubt anymore, sorry. It’s important to do the research… when it’s your live & that maybe of your children, you are dealing with exposing someone to!!! Something that can end up costing YOU……. everything. Financially… mentally…. physically….. & otherwise!!! Characterize others… based on all/just their actions …………………… & you can never be fooled by their words! Be strong… be well… be happy!!!!! <3 The fog-free side w/ clarity, phew….. a MUCH better place to be! Live long(ER) & vape on! http://www.abillionlives.com #youarebeingLIEDto

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T January 13, 2016

Literally, the common factor is me. 12yr marriage, single a year into another bad 1 year relationship with a different kind of narcissist. To be free another year to a few dates with another one.

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[…] is the most sought after human need," Saeed writes. "So, when a target receives an overwhelming amount of love and acceptance, it’s very hard to […]

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Melissa August 19, 2015

I just heard this phrase for the first time today and boy does it make sense! My ex narc asked me to move back to California with him (we currently live in NYC) on our FIRST DATE! By date three, he was telling me how cute I would look pregnant etc. After 2.5 years of dating he dumped me over e-mail. No conversation, no explanation, nothing. Then, of course, started texting me 6 weeks later apologizing and saying all the things I wanted to hear. I didn’t give in told him we could talk in person in a few more weeks. Apparently that wasn’t good enough and he already found a new supply and is posting pictures of them together on instagram! Poor girl, she has no idea what’s going to hit her.

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Sounds like you’ve got his ticket, Melissa 🙂

    Reply
Sheena July 31, 2015

I love reading your advice Kim and I am also amazed at how similar all of our stories are from what you all share.

I was with the ex Narc for 9 years, and I’ve been free for 7 months now, I feel healthier, stronger mentally and can see myself moving forward and that’s all because of the research and reading up I’ve done on these vile parasites, I look back on my relationship now and can see all the stages so clearly, love bombing, devaluing to the point I thought I was worth nothing, the only thing I can’t understand is that he never discarded me, he would just abuse to the point that I had to force him to leave (police ect) but then the hoovering would just start, the love bombing and hoovering stages are so similar, the same phrases, gestures are used until they have lowered your guard with them and the devaluing starts again, I remember saying to him that living with him was like being on a disturbing sickening merry go round, and he would just laugh, saying it wasn’t that bad and I should be use to it by now!

I broke no contact once but never again, I guess we do try to seek validity in what we have been through, to stop the head spinning feelings and confusion, but that peace doesn’t lie back with them, he was ignorant to what has even happened (I am living in a womens refuge due to the extent of his craziness) he just went straight into love bombing, telling me how he can’t look at other women as they don’t compare to me, future faking, promising me a new car a new house, that he would never hurt me again, but as I looked at his face, all I saw was that dead stare looking for my reaction, the slight smirk behind his fake smile, so I shook his hand and walked, I don’t want a fake life with fake compliments and fake future, I’m no where near ready to date but I already know that when I am, I want a genuine, honest, reliable man! We all deserve real love and not these monsters, they may trap other victims quickly and fake everything to everyone, but I’d rather have nothing and feel true empathy, love and kindness. Love yourselves and the rest will follow 🙂

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    Kim Saeed August 4, 2015

    What a beautiful message of hope and encouragement, Sheena. Thank you for stopping by and commenting <3

    Reply
    Anonymous November 21, 2016

    that’s was very well said Im living this right now and this is so helpful thank you

    Reply
Paul July 15, 2015

Hi folks,

I thought I would chime in here and while most think these are traits that belong to men then I can give you an example of how it works both ways. A few years ago I became involved with a woman who was diagnosed with manic depression(bipolar) and I experienced early on a lot of the traits mentioned in the post. She initially contacted me via a dating website while she was hospitalized for her bipolar. We dated for 6 months and over that time things moved along very quickly. Now it would be easy to say “well why did you become involved with her and you should have known what you were getting into….” Well I didn’t know what I was getting involved in because she felt it unnecessary to disclose anything about her diagnosis…at least until she decided to abruptly end things 6 months later. She knew how to hide everything from me about her bipolar only dropping small confusing hints along the way. Her parents split up a long time ago with her Dad out of work and she lived away from home for a number of years so I got the impression she had not the best of upbringing – maybe this had something to do with her problems? But the love bombing came on think and heavy from the start with plans for exciting dates, road trips, gifts for my house and her giving away personal possessions to me – she handed me her games machine and games to kept only after a couple of weeks. Every morning I would get a text about how handsome I looked and then the texts telling me “you really are quite wonderful” and telling me “how good it feels when with me” and the baby this baby that. Shortly before the break-up came I helped her move into her new apartment with her Dad hauling furniture across town and up flights of stairs. She came over to cook me dinner from scratch and spend the evening with me all loved up…Again right up until the phone call to end things everything still seemed fine and the future plans and the flirty texts.

Then she ended up back in hospital and ended things and that’s when I was told about the bipolar and hospitalizations. I attempted to return all of the stuff she left at mine but she said I could just dump her stuff so I left it off at her Dads place. Right at this time she met a new guy and had photos of them together up on social media within weeks and for our mutual friends to see(she was quick to add my friends to her social media network) which made me feel stupid and my confidence was shot to pieces. It sounded like she met the new guy in hospital and that they understand one another which just sounds too perfect. She was back on the dating site the morning after breaking up with me.

I don’t know if there is a link between narcissism and bipolar but I felt like I was just there to be part of some phase or episode and then she was able to scratch that and be done with me only to start the process again with a new guy. I’ve been in longer relationships and dated other people since but I have been left with a scar from this one that I will pick at from time to time. She still pops into my head. The ‘mirroring’ that Kim mentioned was all there from hobbies and interests and showing me her fun loving personality that really rubbed off on me. My family said they thought I seemed really happy while I was with her. In the end I was in love with an illusion and the sad thing is I still think about that illusion. You feel totally used up and I have carried this with me which hasn’t helped when I meet new people and potential partners – I feel numb or stuck a lot of the time when I meet new people.

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    Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Paul. Yes, BPD and NPD often exist simultaneously with Cluster-Bs, especially in females. I am glad to know you’ve moved on. Are you practicing any healing or self-care activities?

    Reply
      Paul August 2, 2015

      Hi Kim, thx for your comments. A few months after the break-up I went to the doctor because I wanted to talk openly about this as I was feeling a lot of pressure in concentrating with work at the time and generally feeling very low. He said that I had a lot of stuff bottled up and going on in my head and suggested counselling which I kind of laughed off at the time. Though he said that it is nothing to be ashamed off and that many people get counselling for many different things. He gave me some medication for anxiety and to help me sleep. I generally exercise a lot through outdoor training and forest runs and weight training….I have always been into fitness. I find that really helps me in everything physically and mentally though I still feel stuck when meeting new people and my mood will randomly go down. I know that this was all sparked from my experience in my first post.

      Reply
Carrie July 6, 2015

The love bombing tactics my ex used the most were pet names, talking by only text at first (dating long distance), pretending to be such a great dad to his kids at first (over-the-top), and pretending to be so interested and wanting to do what I wanted to do.

*Pet names: baby, babe, sexy, beautiful. I literally didn’t have a name to him anymore once he started using pet names, I was only referred to by these. And ALL of my texts started out with Hey Baby or Hey Sexy (etc.) and ended the same with Goodnight babe/baby/sexy/beautiful. It was so hard to resist, I had never been treated that way before.

*Talking only by text: we met briefly while he was in my town, he got my number and started texting me, but he never wanted to talk on the phone. So, I just went with it, thinking “oh well, we will eventually.” We eventually did, but only after he had been love bombing me a ton by text and had me hooked. Even after we saw each other more and talked on the phone more, he preferred text. I think it’s because it’s much easier to love bomb and say over-the-top gushy things in writing, plus it’s easier to lie and take a while to think of the PERFECT response over text. On the phone, they have to come up with their lies right away on-the-fly. Another narcissist did this to me too.

*Acting like he was the best dad in the world: It was so over the top. Within an hour of first meeting him, he was looking at a picture of his daughter on his phone all intently, then showed my friend and I what he was looking at, and we were like “awww…..she’s so cute” and we just immediately thought what a nice guy and dad he must be.

Soon when he was courting me (texting me), he immediately started sending me more photos of his kids, or of him and his kids, or saying what fun/nice thing he was doing with his kids. Or how much he loved his kids or of being a dad. Or how much he loved surprising them with things they wanted, like he was so generous. He did it sooo much, it was sooo over-the-top. For example, he would text me and I would ask what he was doing, and he would say oh “oh I’m just sitting here watching Care Bears with my daughter on my lap.”

Later as I spent more time with him, he started showing his true colors. He was an impatient, grouchy dad who was extremely cheap with his kids. When they wanted his attention in the beginning, he was there for them, and acted like such a good dad. He gradually became the dad who would get annoyed when they wanted attention and tell them to go play in their room or their yard. I couldn’t see it right away, because I had it in my head what a good dad he was.

*Acting so interested in what I liked and wanting to do what I liked: I realized after some time that he must have gone through my Pinterest page, because he would pull these random things out that I liked. I didn’t realize it at first. He knew things I never told him. He promised me trips to places I had pinned, or out-of-the blue would say how he wanted to go these places. He promised me other things I liked, but he was all talk, because he never delivered.

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Rev. Dragon's Eye May 29, 2015

I could probably add a few more to this list. My “ex-” was a real winner in the narcissist category. Such things like, even though you are not married, wanting you and the other to share a joint-account at the bank. – This one put up red lights for me right away.

The frequent “incidental” trips or need for trips to the emergency room, frequently, started to get very old after a while. Most of those trips were very unnecessary, AND rather lengthy!

– Rev. Dragon’s Eye

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Shaman Sister SinDelle May 29, 2015

Reblogged this on The Little Shaman and commented:
A must-read for empaths or anyone with feelings.

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    Kim Saeed May 29, 2015

    Thank you for sharing my post, Shaman Sister SinDelle! <3

    Reply

[…] started searching for more references to this love bombing phenomenon.  Each article I came across stunned me into […]

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Anonymous March 14, 2015

What I noticed was when he said “we’re more alike than what you think we are” and I said no we’re not – the other was the coming onto me very quickly and wanting to marry very early on, in a space of 5 weeks, (red flags) then things didn’t happen how he planned and I said no – he turned in an instant. Went from wanting to marry to hating me and deceiving me behind my back for a very long time. Made out he was helping some personal issues I had when in fact he wasn’t. He became a false professional involvee that wanted to look like everyone’s saviour. He thought I wasn’t aware of what he was doing and his actions but unfortunately I was very aware not long after moving in with him as he didn’t hide his behaviour too well. Emotionally lacking in emotions. Managed to try to turn the attitudes and thoughts of those around me. All his other girl friends were at fault (which became flags for me too) and one apparently was crazy and he did his utmost I know now to keep us separate so that if we met and spoke we would realize what he told was a bunch of lies. Some of them may not have been crazy – he twisted everything to “try” to confuse me but I just saw a sad individual that has absolutely no awareness of anything around him but himself. I don’t believe this woman he dated was a nutcase or crazy at all. Such a distorted view of life and life just a game for him – a very unpleasant person to live with at that – I couldn’t wait to get out. Had people believing I was crazy and untrustworthy, etc..etc… – this was because he was projecting everything he was. I’ve kept on living but if I were to do what he did to me, to his family and friends and tell them how crazy he was and follow his every move and find out who he was talking to and spread lies all hell would break loose. Abuse is something I won’t ever stop talking about and helping others and anyone that tries to hide this or defend someone else is just nothing more than low. He made up lies and spread things I had told him. Everything I shared he used as ammunition, then was told that I am someone that can’t be trusted or crazy. Such a vile existence. How empty do you have to be to go to these lengths. These are complete desperate measures to hide behind a very fake facade in the hope no-one finds out who he really is – hoping people would see me as fake as he “tried” to claim.

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Word Up February 22, 2015

If you experience these phrases one on top of the other, especially right after meeting them, it’s overkill and should be a warning flag.

Oh, how I wish I had read these words 16 years ago . . . but let me turn that around so it’s less negative: At least I have them NOW. And in fairness to my poor past self: Even at the time, something did feel off to me–I remember telling him whoa, slow down; it’s too soon for all this. You cannot possibly know your right mind three dates into the game.

You can guess the response: “I’m sorry, but it just feels so right and I’m so happy with you! Are you happy with me? I hope you’re as happy with me as I am with you”–ugh! That I fell for it!

Thank you for creating this website. Really, thank you so much! I feel a bit better already just realizing how common their maneuvers are. They never vary much, do they? Can’t give them any points for creativity, that’s for sure.

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ffulfneeuq February 22, 2015

Oh Mary! It is so hard to believe it was all fake!!! It has been just a little over a month and I still go back and forth wondering “Was it all a lie?” It is SO hard to believe because he truly seemed like a REAL person – just a messed up one. – because of his past and I felt bad for him (I still do) – Now I will never know if he made all that up!!! I know the ex is a real person because I found her on FB and she is will another guy… Divorce doesn’t show up in the records though… When you are dealing with someone who is screwed up from their past, how can you know what is real here?? Only one thing gives me comfort here – At least, I am NOT him!!!! At least I am not super screwed up. with no chance of REAL love but because I am a caring sensitive person who has empathy (something he told me I didn’t have!!!!) – I just can’t believe it still. I didn’t trust men before and he knew that – with him I tried to trust with him and look what happened – how will I ever trust again?

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    Mary February 22, 2015

    Yeah this is the most mind bending thing I have ever been through, and I love this man still even though he was the most cruel person I ever dealt with. I must be more screwed up than I thought. And I didn’t think I was until this. I don’t know how to get over this. Been 4 months no contact. I miss him still and for what I DONT KNOW!!! If you have any suggestions please share them I sure would appreciate them. I even asked Kim, and she said it took about 3 years to get over it. I don’t know if I can last that long feeling like this. Bless you and hope you have better days ?

    Reply
ffulfneeuq February 22, 2015

*I had super detailed message ready but I thought it revealed too much and the ex is very NARC aware and likes stuff like this page on FB so I removed a bunch of stuff – my relationship was 3 months long”

……..I got some of those responses you mentioned and more different ones.. And yes the soulmate stuff.. “I feel like you are my twin”… “You are the sexiest woman I have ever met” He would tell me how he never liked how the other women he slept with smelled or tastes and how for my age (45) I was like a type of sports car – I am in good shape for my age (thin) and I look like I am in my early 30s most people say.. I look young . He said I was very overwhelming to him sexually – even though I wasn’t doing anything special – just being me and seriously I am not big on sex. (I would always catch him taking pics of me with his phone or taking a video like when I watching tv)

I was always self-conscious about my flaws and later on he would say stuff like “Don’t even joke around about your body flaws. It sounds like you hate yourself. That’s a downer.” Really? A downer to who? To him? Because not me, joking around about myself has helped me get through life!!! Alot of women joke about their bodies – doesn’t mean we hate ourselves..I called him out on that one and he apologized and said he understood.

Anyhow, I am gonna a skip a bit here,most of the relationship with him was like floating on a cloud.. But one of our issues was not being to understand each and than he wanted to talk to work these out because he wanted us to be together.. Well, I didn’t like “talking” it out because any time I would bring something up he would get defensive.. esp if it was related to intimacy. If I didn’t agree with his ideas or views, I was told I was diminishing him..

So as things went on I started noticing more and more things like this… He used to apologize in the beginning for any slight – that seems to start fading..

Wish I could cover everything… Anyhow, I keep having doubt and stresses about things he would say and talked to my friends about it and about a month ago – the last straw broke (for me anyhow). One of my triggers in abandonment and he knew this – relating to my health issues. I was having challenges in them that week and when I wanted to talk about them (online) because I was feeling alone and scared and reached out for love and support (he had already told me he loved me and vise versa but than all of sudden got weird about saying it ) and he said he felt like I was manipulating him. The whole conversation was one sided by me – he was very cold and distant… (and that was not the first time he said something like that – that he felt manipulated by me – It was by something very trivial)

So I told him the next day (via messaging) that I needed some space to think and I needed to step back from our relationship… (my friends help me with this – i never been in this situation ever!) and all I got back was OK – and REALLY fast too! I was thinking “omg, really? you don’t care?” the next day he offered for me to go with him to see his therapist that night and I asked him “what for” and he said “anything” – So yeah, he didn’t say “I love you and I want us to work on our problems together” – nothing like that… My friend who is a therapist told me to decline (because I think he wanted me to go so he could get MY problems fixed – or what he perceived to be problems he wanted fixed in me) and i did and he made arrangement to pick up he stuff the next day and then told me to “contact him via text in the future” if I wanted – Right after that he unfriended and blocked me on FB…

The next day when he came to get his stuff I saw a side of him I never saw – mean, cruel and angry. He refused to let me say even ONE word to him and when I tried to – he threatened to call the cops on me… We didn’t have a violent relationship at all. And I was very calm and actually scared!!!! He has a history of all kinds of addictions- food sex gambling etc), anger (road rage), he has ADHD and he has self harmed.. I think that is why he was in therapy. Although the told me that stuff was gone – I could still feel it when he spoke..

Anyhow, no I have no contacted him since than .. I was very hard at the beginning because I missed the sweet him I knew – Plus I feel that he awakened something in me as far as sex went and I missed that too. It has been a little over a month and after analyzing conversation with my friends they have told me in the serious conversations we had he was projecting all the time… He would often turn things around about him and somehow the blame was placed on me… He was very subtle.. He used the “triggers” from his past as excuses for his behavior and the ADHD.. But I have spent the last month trying to figure this out…Was a narc, sociopath, psychopath or just a misogynist? I pretty sure he is at least the last…

Anytime we went out he was always saying stuff like “I will always be the least good looking part of this couple.” Meaning I always dressed nice when we went out – seriously he didn’t. I didn’t care because I just like to look nice but I let people be themselves.

The thing that is the worst is I wonder now if he was ever REALLY attracted to me – was all that stuff about how good I look for my age a bunch of crap? Or can narcs really be very sexually attracted to their targets and that is not a lie? I am wondering if they are like some guys who still about sex with their exs after they gone…

I am wondering this because I can get over the “fake love” stuff but did he probably really think me attractive?? I hope that doesn’t sound shallow.. because I never felt really good about me getting older and he made me feel less self-conscious about it. My friends even said (and he said) that I was glowing… 🙂 (he was a year younger than me and all those drugs were not kind to his looks)

I know they get some of their supply through the sex…

But I got some saying to add to the list

“Love is my new drug. This is my new drug. Our relationship.”
“I am gonna c** so hard and fast and so much , that you will see how much I love you.”

He told me his ex wife was a witch and cast a spell on him on the first date which is why he couldn’t leave for 20 years… uhm, ok…

Reply
    Mary February 22, 2015

    This sounds exactly like my ex narc, right down to his ex of 20 years and everything. Guess they all come from the same mold. And I have the same feelings as you, I’m older but not old by any means, and I miss the sex part a lot. Oh well live and hopefully learn.

    Reply
ffulfneeuq February 22, 2015

*I had super detailed message ready but I thought it revealed too much and the ex is very NARC aware and likes stuff like this page on FB so I removed a bunch of stuff – my relationship was 3 months long”

……..I got some of those responses you mentioned and more different ones.. And yes the soulmate stuff.. “I feel like you are my twin”… “You are the sexiest woman I have ever met” He would tell me how he never liked how the other women he slept with smelled or tastes and how for my age (45) I was like a type of sports car – I am in good shape for my age (thin) and I look like I am in my early 30s most people say.. I look young . He said I was very overwhelming to him sexually – even though I wasn’t doing anything special – just being me and seriously I am not big on sex. (I would always catch him taking pics of me with his phone or taking a video like when I watching tv)

I was always self-conscious about my flaws and later on he would say stuff like “Don’t even joke around about your body flaws. It sounds like you hate yourself. That’s a downer.” Really? A downer to who? To him? Because not me, joking around about myself has helped me get through life!!! Alot of women joke about their bodies – doesn’t mean we hate ourselves..I called him out on that one and he apologized and said he understood.

Anyhow, I am gonna a skip a bit here,most of the relationship with him was like floating on a cloud.. But one of our issues was not being to understand each and than he wanted to talk to work these out because he wanted us to be together.. Well, I didn’t like “talking” it out because any time I would bring something up he would get defensive.. esp if it was related to intimacy. If I didn’t agree with his ideas or views, I was told I was diminishing him..

So as things went on I started noticing more and more things like this… He used to apologize in the beginning for any slight – that seems to start fading..

Wish I could cover everything… Anyhow, I keep having doubt and stresses about things he would say and talked to my friends about it and about a month ago – the last straw broke (for me anyhow). One of my triggers in abandonment and he knew this – relating to my health issues. I was having challenges in them that week and when I wanted to talk about them (online) because I was feeling alone and scared and reached out for love and support (he had already told me he loved me and vise versa but than all of sudden got weird about saying it ) and he said he felt like I was manipulating him. The whole conversation was one sided by me – he was very cold and distant… (and that was not the first time he said something like that – that he felt manipulated by me – It was by something very trivial)

So I told him the next day (via messaging) that I needed some space to think and I needed to step back from our relationship… (my friends help me with this – i never been in this situation ever!) and all I got back was OK – and REALLY fast too! I was thinking “omg, really? you don’t care?” the next day he offered for me to go with him to see his therapist that night and I asked him “what for” and he said “anything” – So yeah, he didn’t say “I love you and I want us to work on our problems together” – nothing like that… My friend who is a therapist told me to decline (because I think he wanted me to go so he could get MY problems fixed – or what he perceived to be problems he wanted fixed in me) and i did and he made arrangement to pick up he stuff the next day and then told me to “contact him via text in the future” if I wanted – Right after that he unfriended and blocked me on FB…

The next day when he came to get his stuff I saw a side of him I never saw – mean, cruel and angry. He refused to let me say even ONE word to him and when I tried to – he threatened to call the cops on me… We didn’t have a violent relationship at all. And I was very calm and actually scared!!!! He has a history of all kinds of addictions- food sex gambling etc), anger (road rage), he has ADHD and he has self harmed.. I think that is why he was in therapy. Although the told me that stuff was gone – I could still feel it when he spoke..

Anyhow, no I have no contacted him since than .. I was very hard at the beginning because I missed the sweet him I knew – Plus I feel that he awakened something in me as far as sex went and I missed that too. It has been a little over a month and after analyzing conversation with my friends they have told me in the serious conversations we had he was projecting all the time… He would often turn things around about him and somehow the blame was placed on me… He was very subtle.. He used the “triggers” from his past as excuses for his behavior and the ADHD.. But I have spent the last month trying to figure this out…Was a narc, sociopath, psychopath or just a misogynist? I pretty sure he is at least the last…

Anytime we went out he was always saying stuff like “I will always be the least good looking part of this couple.” Meaning I always dressed nice when we went out – seriously he didn’t. I didn’t care because I just like to look nice but I let people be themselves.

The thing that is the worst is I wonder now if he was ever REALLY attracted to me – was all that stuff about how good I look for my age a bunch of crap? Or can narcs really be very sexually attracted to their targets and that is not a lie? I am wondering if they are like some guys who still about sex with their exs after they gone…

I am wondering this because I can get over the “fake love” stuff but did he probably really think me attractive?? I hope that doesn’t sound shallow.. because I never felt really good about me getting older and he made me feel less self-conscious about it. My friends even said (and he said) that I was glowing… 🙂 (he was a year younger than me and all those drugs were not kind to his looks)

I know they get some of their supply through the sex…

But I got some saying to add to the list

“Love is my new drug. This is my new drug. Our relationship.”
“I am gonna c** so hard and fast and so much , that you will see how much I love you.”

He told me his ex wife was a witch who put a spell on him on their first date which is why he couldn’t get away from her for 20 years.. *rolls eyes*

Reply
Mike February 21, 2015

Kim, if there is anything I can do let me know. I have incredible amounts of information. My computer (mac) archived all of our texts, that in itself a living archive of insanity. I read through some of it when we first split, it’s just incredible. I know so much now, there is no confusion. I’d be happy to share with you a male perspective of the female narcissist. In many ways it’s so similar. Love bombing, mirroring, rush to physical relations, conquer, push/pull, infidelity, inability to take any criticism, conditioning, sex as a means to control, lowering of expectations, shunning, silence, gas lighting, triangulation, future faking, lots of words, no action, inability to articulate childhood, gaps of time missing, anticipating of her needs and her wants, rage, refusing to resolve conflict, splitting, hot/cold, the different personality around her family, elimination of affection and sex, isolation, odd things she said at odd times that make sense now, manipulative, does not feel guilt, only shame when caught and concern for image and how others will see them. Impulsive, reckless, materialistic, inconsistent, unstable, etc.

The dichotomy of the most beautiful person I’ve ever met (externally) mixed with an internal being that lacks conscience lacking, soulless, black hole is absolutely mind boggling.

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 22, 2015

    Mike, that would be great. I’ve only one submission by a male guest writer. However, I have many men who follow my blog and Facebook page and I’m sure they’d be beyond glad to have someone to relate to a little better…

    Reply
      Mike February 22, 2015

      Kim is there a way I can reach you? You let me know how I can help, and I’ll offer anything I possibly can. If it can assist at least one person to identify and thus avoid this type of person, that would be the best redemption I could possibly ever attain. I’m a college educated young professional, I was raised in a normal home, my parents are still married and I’m close with my family. She is very successful and by all exterior views is the girl next door, gorgeous, accomplished and ambitious. I knew something was going on about 3 months into our relationship and the blistering pace which changed all the time made my head swim. I began taking down notes, to try and piece everything together along with having a full archive of everything that happened. Like so many, when the relationship ended, I felt an overwhelming drive to ruminate in all the details. To try and figure out what happened, and how it happened. These relationships leave you like an audience at a magic show. When the seemingly unimaginable happens before your eyes, you’re left there looking around wondering what just happened. I’m just now emerging from that experience and I have a complete and full grasp about how it all went down. It’s remarkably similar to everything that is listed on any site from the male to female aspect. In fact I used to read material and would change the he’s to she’s as I read, and it was the same story. It’s quite remarkable that the pathology that manifests itself behind the mask of these individuals transcends gender, but it really does. What is different and where I think my experience could be valuable to others, is in the support structure from peers and friends and family. As my mind started to break, and my anxiety was off the charts, I’d throw out a line to someone I knew only to feel even worse. If I had a dollar for every time I was met with a smirk and the proverbial “They are all nuts man.” Despite trying to explain myself further, you just end up getting discredited or labeled as a weak “guy” who lets his “girl” boss him around. There is no voice for men in these scenarios. If I did to her what she has done to me, I would be painted black by society not just her. Where a woman tells people about a male narcissist, I would venture to guess she is met with more compassion and support to leave. That scenario reversed we are told “all women are nuts” and made fun of, viewed as weak and the feelings of shame this triggers makes us bury it even deeper. I feel fortunate I did not listen to those people but I can’t begin to imagine how many men out there do and live their lives out as a complete shell of their former selves. Having eventually submitted to the emotional abuse to a level at which they simply give up.

      Reply
Mike February 21, 2015

Looking back there was a conditioning that took place that I see clear as day now and feel so foolish. She would ask me to do things with her and tell me how her ex never wanted to do this or that. Subtle yet an affective way to initiate the reflex that says “I’ll be happy to do that with you or go there with you” The blissful response was a conditioning to begin giving up the things I want for the things she wanted. This is one example of a thousand different scenarios where this was implemented. Everything from trips, daily agenda of activities, where to eat, etc.
There was also a control element to physical intimacy. She would say things in the heat of the moment that just appeared like dirty talk but who doesn’t like a confident woman? I realized later it was more pathological and I fully realized in the end it was brainwashing. Planting seeds during intimate moments is the ultimate brainwashing technique. At first, she would ask me “tell me why you are so into me” she would get turned on by my answers (thus inspiring me to say them more, thus think them more, thus perception becomes reality as her ego is fed) She would make comments like, “You like my body don’t you? You’ll never have anything like this again, you better keep me” All of these were phases that lasted about a month at a time and became more and more pathological. From there her generalized theme shifted to “if we ever broke up, you’d still let me have you wouldn’t you?” And then she’d want to hear scenarios of how this would play out. She would say “You know I have a power over you. You can’t resist me.” Then towards the end, when I was catching onto her pathology for all the other stuff going on her comments shifted to the most obvious and honest signs of her condition. She told me during physical intimacy as she stared me up and down “I control this now. don’t I” And she whispered in my ear all the ways she controls everything I think, everything I do and everything that happens. She told me, “If you want this, you have to do everything I want all the time and everything I say” From that moment, she started to pull the physical contact back a step. Her favorite thing was when I’d get into bed she’d reach over and hold me while I laid on my side, her hand would slip down to private areas, and overtly touch me so that when I responded she would not initiate any physical intimacy. She would often start like we were about to become intimate and stop mid course. My anguish in these moments she relished. She wanted to hold me the more frustrated I got and tease me and started to not ever want anything sexually as she’d tease more and more.
I was a complete object. A puppet for her to pull strings. A warm body to please her and when I was totally conditioned she kept me in a state of neglect and deprivation on purpose. I started growing resentment when all of the things I did for her outside the bedroom were never considered. If there was one thing I didn’t do, she would shut down and shun me despite the million things I had done right. Her wants and needs were contradictory and hypocritical to me. Everything was a no win situation.

I realize though the love bombing was just stage 1 of a much more methodical plan to totally turn me inside out and extract every drop of ego boosting narcissistic supply.

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Mike, I’m very sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing your story; we need more descriptions of the behaviors of female Narcissists.

    Reply
Mark February 21, 2015

Looking back there was a conditioning that took place that I see clear as day now and feel so foolish. She would ask me to do things with her and tell me how her ex never wanted to do this or that. Subtle yet an affective way to initiate the reflex that says “I’ll be happy to do that with you or go there with you” The blissful response was a conditioning to begin giving up the things I want for the things she wanted. This is one example of a thousand different scenarios where this was implemented. Everything from trips, daily agenda of activities, where to eat, etc.
There was also a control element to physical intimacy. She would say things in the heat of the moment that just appeared like dirty talk but who doesn’t like a confident woman? I realized later it was more pathological and I fully realized in the end it was brainwashing. Planting seeds during intimate moments is the ultimate brainwashing technique. At first, she would ask me “tell me why you are so into me” she would get turned on by my answers (thus inspiring me to say them more, thus think them more, thus perception becomes reality as her ego is fed) She would make comments like, “You like my body don’t you? You’ll never have anything like this again, you better keep me” All of these were phases that lasted about a month at a time and became more and more pathological. From there her generalized theme shifted to “if we ever broke up, you’d still let me have you wouldn’t you?” And then she’d want to hear scenarios of how this would play out. She would say “You know I have a power over you. You can’t resist me.” Then towards the end, when I was catching onto her pathology for all the other stuff going on her comments shifted to the most obvious and honest signs of her condition. She told me during physical intimacy as she stared me up and down “I control this now. don’t I” And she whispered in my ear all the ways she controls everything I think, everything I do and everything that happens. She told me, “If you want this, you have to do everything I want all the time and everything I say” From that moment, she started to pull the physical contact back a step. Her favorite thing was when I’d get into bed she’d reach over and hold me while I laid on my side, her hand would slip down to private areas, and overtly touch me so that when I responded she would not initiate any physical intimacy. She would often start like we were about to become intimate and stop mid course. My anguish in these moments she relished. She wanted to hold me the more frustrated I got and tease me and started to not ever want anything sexually as she’d tease more and more.
I was a complete object. A puppet for her to pull strings. A warm body to please her and when I was totally conditioned she kept me in a state of neglect and deprivation on purpose. I started growing resentment when all of the things I did for her outside the bedroom were never considered. If there was one thing I didn’t do, she would shut down and shun me despite the million things I had done right. Her wants and needs were contradictory and hypocritical to me. Everything was a no win situation.

I realize though the love bombing was just stage 1 of a much more methodical plan to totally turn me inside out and extract every drop of ego boosting narcissistic supply.

Reply

[…] is damaging and is intended to destroy a person’s sense of self and establish power over them.  Cult Leaders love bomb their followers in order to brain wash and take control over […]

Reply
Johnson February 14, 2015

My exN just broke up with me oct2014 ..but I have a question if u work with your Narc what’s the best way to get him out your head I have to see his car an pass him sometimes at work ??? but I’m honestly over him

Reply
Melanie February 7, 2015

I’m so glad I found your website. I’ve also made contact with Melanie Tonia Evans who I understand you have partnered up with.

It’s almost a year since I got myself away. Through speaking to specialist counselling and support, I now recognise the man I was with as a Sociopathic Narcissist combined with extreme jealousy. With him for almost 4 years little did I know that the stronger and less willing I was to be controlled, the more danger I was putting myself in.

The ‘Love Bombing’ period was intense. Flights to great places, hotels, amazing gifts and constant attention. After a year or so I began to realise the constant calling, checking on my social media, texting and wanting to know where I was, who I was with wasn’t love it was control. He blamed his past and in aprticular his miss trust of women who had treated him so badly. Despite him moving into my home and eventually moving to 5 minutes away form his children the otherside of Cheshire. Us s starting a business together, me investing in it and growing it while he was away most of the year. The constant checking up and needing to know what, who when and where, continued.

I stopped going out, meeting friends and feared telling him if I was because he would be angry. When I joined a gym he said women only went to gyms to pick up men. When I went to a gig he told me I was to go to threatening to end our relationship again his reaction was absolute fury. At this time he was in America – he could do nothing.

The signs were there from the start. I had an email former girlfriend. After finding out he was keeping in touch with her almost 12 months on. He was checking into her emails, another trait I now understand). She told me he made her give him her username and passwords to her emails, it was because he said it proved to him they had a true love and trust. He’d asked me to do the same when we met saying if I loved him he would understand as his last girlfriends cheated on him (a lie) . I refused as I said his trust issues were his not mine. He was then resigned to stalking my social media incessantly. and yes I allowed him to dictate who I allowed to be friends on facebook and twitter. I am talking about males mainly. Even if it was related to the business I ran for him I was called a ‘Whore’ and told to immediately delete it. If it was female as long as they didnt know him indirectly or directly that was ok. Lless opportunity for me to find out about the real him).

He turned more violent and abusive in the last 18 months of our relationship. These weren’t just the extreme anger and uncontrollable outbursts I had become used to when he lost control. These were silences, behaving cold and detached when he arrived home from working away.The assaults began me. It was as if I was being punished. No remorse. OF course it was my fault. I made him feel like that . I should have stopped him. Not tell him afterwards that was too late.

The fear of what he could do next was my wake up call to get away no matter how hard it seemed. I had no money, no home and my whole life was wrapped up under his control.

1 week later he had already got his new supply ready and in place, waiting to give him his next home and fix. He told me his, firnds and family he only met her the week after I left. I’m guessing she was around long before then.

Now, almost a year on, living a life in limbo while the CPS decide wether to charge, I was finally told 3 weeks ago, as its the first ever complaint and he is not known to the police for this offence it won’t go to court. I thought I’d be angry but instead I’m relieved for me. It’s one less thing attaching me to him. My biggest dread was seeing him him.

I don’t ever regret reporting him. It was the most humiliating and deeply intrusive process I’ve ever been through. I would not wish it on anyone. Yet it was the right thing to do. I know he will never change and he will hurt someone else. I was the first to report him, not the first to experience the hell of his narcissistic world – I know I won’t be the last.

He has told unbelievable stories and lies to people about me. I’m the nutcase, the manipulator the liar and convinced the most intelligent of people he’s the victim. Something he is so good at . It is only when you are away you see and hear the truth of the person you were so absorbed in. Their trick is to keep you far away from each other, unless he is there. Be in control of them and you and what they are able to say and hear. They manipulate and control everyone. We all get sucked in. While on the outside their ego and sense of importance grows. In this case out of cotrol due to the access to attention his job gives him despite him being in a ‘behind the scenes’ role.

When they succeed (or escape), they become even more deluded and beleive their own myth even more. I believe they call it the ‘Teflon’ feeling.

During 2014 I undertook counselling with RASA, put on my confident mask, threw myself into work and tried to get back to a ‘normal’l life in a safe environment. I left that job having falling into sever depression and considering suicide. I needed help.

Despite him now being on the other side of the world with his new ‘supply’ as you call it. I still don’t feel truly safe. Something I know will come in time.

Everything I have read on your website resonates with me. It is hard to explain this life and world to peole who have never come into contact with this kind of person. It’s almost unreal its so extreme. Only when you have been through it that you can truly understand the destruction and harm it creates. It’s a life you lived in secret.

After this experience I really don’t believe there is ‘normal’. Nothing really prepares you for the crash mentally when it comes. You spend so much energy surviving you never really escape mentally from the realisation that this has damaged you and you will never be the same person again. When it hits you it hits you hard. I have the loving support of my daughter. I lost my son (temporarily I hope) My relationship with my children (both in their early 20’s) was badly affected during my relatinship with this man. He attacked their relationship with me both directly and indirectly and this caused a terrible rift. He blamed me, he blamed them. You know how it goes. When my son found out what had happened he could not cope with his strong, always together mum falling apart. Some friends I’ve managed to keep. Others lost due to the isolation he created around me.

He came in as the ultimate victim in his life. A victim of his family, his work, his ex neurotic, insane girlfriends . He also played the man wracked with guilt. And I was the saviour. He had never loved anyone like me, not even his wife. He even asled if I’d marry him, wanted to buy a house. He flew me to New York, paid for first class train tickets to stay with him when he was working. we ate at the best restaurants. He bough flowers , good red wine. You know the rest.

Moving into my life with speed he then moved me away from my friends, my family and I found myself living in an area I didnt know, investing my time and money and affection into him and what he wanted. And all with conditions of ‘If you loved me and if I need this, I want to change my life. And if I disagreed – he played the victim card.

His job means he travels the world. It also means he has been able to repeat his behaviour. In his case he just escapes to another country. I was the only one that got to know and became close to his family as I, and they, are in the UK. It was only then the lies and stories he told me began to unravel. This was then I subconsciously started to question and challenge him. I also witnessed for myself the manipulation and lies he subjected to his immediate family, including his children. All to suit his needs. I lost respect. I realising this man was incapable of loving anyone. That is when I began to gain back the control. Against such a powerful manipulator it was never a battle I would win.

Almost 12 months on I’m on antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs. They help. And like so many I guess I’ve spent that time trying to rationalise what happened. I know I am at the start of my healing journey.

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 7, 2015

    Melanie, thank you for sharing your story here. The more we spread awareness, the more I hope we can rise up and educate people globally so that we can eventually make societal changes that will help us as a whole against these predatory types.

    Reply
Corinne December 30, 2014

This has to be one of the best pages on the web that I have found to help me decipher what I have been through.

I was with my ex for 7 years and fell for all of the stories about his exes (and there was a long string of them). I was conned into having negative feelings towards them through his manipulation and at times behaved appallingly – I just wasn’t me anymore.

I turned to drugs and alcohol in an attempt to numb myself so that I didn’t have to think, just focussing on one objective at a time. It got to the pint where I was so depressed that I didn’t even want to wake up each day and deal with whatever mood or demand he had.

The greatest thing he ever did for me was to find another ‘source’ but even now, he still wants to control my life and it has taken me a year to get my personal possessions from him and am currently taking him to smalls claims court for the remainder. Whenever I question my actions, I read one of your pages, and the comments, to remind myself that all I am doing is standing up for myself.
&
Each time I get a nasty message from his latest ‘source’ or hear their vindictive gossip, I just turn to this page and remind myself not to be too harsh towards them because I have been in the same boat of manipulation and deceit.

Thank you all. x .

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Parasitic victim December 19, 2014

Ended a 6mth ‘relationship’ with a Narc woman 4 weeks ago. Many of the above ‘red flags’ (which I didn’t know about) applied. Of course the sex was wonderful (and one way…her lying back and being adored, ‘the best she had ever had’….and ‘no one will ever touch me like you do’). Fortunately, I spotted the signs of promiscuity and attempts to make me jealous in time to pull the rug from under her.. have a feeling her next victim was waiting in the wings though …the breakup still hurts like hell and is still wrecking my head. there has been no contact since and I guess she is busy sucking the emotional blood from her latest victim. Now armed with information of what I was dealing with I am fighting the urge to return serve the ‘mind games’ if she does reappear (which apparently is a common trait) I found this link useful (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YUkv86n1Hc) for other traits and hope it helps you to. People really should be made more aware about these parasites.

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This guy December 15, 2014

This article really hits home for me. I am a month out of my relationship with a girl I now believe has traits of NPD. After reading this I was def love bombed. First came hearing how terrible her ex was…he was a druggie, verbally abusive, walked out on her and their 3 month old baby, etc. Then came the I’ve never loved anyone like this before, I’m so lucky to have found you, let’s move in together, etc. all within the first 1-2 months of dating. Then came the talk of marriage and having a baby together. I’d never been so happy and was blissfully ignorant to all of this being a total ruse.

Enter month 3 and it all started to unravel. All the sudden the I love you’s turned into I can’t trust you and completely baseless accusations. Then came the disappearing act where I wouldn’t hear from her for a day or two and then she’d show up like nothing happened. Then she breaks up with me via text message out of no where. This was just the beginning of the nightmare. She continued to contact me via text almost daily. When I asked her about it she said she still loved me but was just confused. After I told her this roller coaster wasn’t fair to me she apologized and said she did want to be with me only to change her mind yet again a week later. Then came the text messages again almost daily. Two months later we met up for dinner and despite my better judgement I gave her another chance. She claimed she kept pushing me away because she was scared I’d leave her. Again she was back to telling me how wonderful I was and how much she loved me, etc. This lasted all of a week before she was back to her old ways, disappearing etc. When I called her on it she again pushed me away saying she’s not the right girl for me.

This relationship has been the worst roller coaster ride of emotions I’ve ever experienced and it lasted less than 6 months. Despite all the red flags I continued to give to her emotionally, physically and financially with zero in return. I’ve never been with someone with so much drama in their life and of course it’s always someone else’s fault, never hers. She was constantly sick and needed me to take care of her. It was exhausting! Despite all this I still do love her and her daughter very much and miss her constantly even though I know she’s not right for me. Despite our short relationship trying to get over her has been like an addict trying to quit heroin. The anxiety, the sleepless nights, etc. I’ve been NC for 3 weeks now and it’s a struggle every day.

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[…] course it was all a lie. He was Love bombing: so as to enmesh me in his narcissistic web so deeply it would be impossible to break out intact. […]

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    Thank you for sharing my article <3

    Reply
The victim of a Narcissistic sociopath | marie louise plum lies December 10, 2014

[…] http://letmereach.com/2014/01/19/exposed-11-lies-love-bombing-narcissists-tell/ […]

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Shanmoo December 8, 2014

I love this article and the comments. I was classicly love bombed with all the above lines. He got me to sleep with him on the 3rd date even though I had no intentions on him like that at that time. He started staying at mine most of the week and I truly believed that it was because he wanted to be with me. It was to fill his void and eat my food, use my electricity, computer and internet, things he wont pay for at his home.
His friends got us together. They told me that he had never been out with anyone in the 12 years they had known him. He told me he had gone out with some women, but not for long as he felt like he was second best to what they were really looking for. He said he never told anyone about them.
Unfortunately he turned out to be a manipulative passive aggressive chauvinistic narcissist which nearly killed me. I was discarded after one argument and told how rubbish both myself and our relationship was.
His bedroom skills were such that in hindsight I now believe he has lived a double life and in fact bedded many women.
He is now seeing someone else, and is doing exactly the same – staying at hers all the time and using her internet, eating her food. etc, she will be driving him around and doing all sorts for him in the belief that she is so special and that they will have a future together.
He hasnt told his friends about her and they are accusing me of being paranoid and even asked if Id been hacking into his emails and facebook.
Although one of the friends did say that he may in fact be a dark horse and that there was more going on with him than the image he presents as being quite and a bit dim.
However when I said that I had suspected he was a dark horse and had gone recently to the hospital for STD tests, I was told that I was being paranoid. Apparently he hadnt cheated on me. I dont know that! And Im seriously beginning to wonder now.

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raven29726 November 24, 2014

All this sounds like my life for the past 4 1/2 years. Now I have words like Love Bombing, stalking, Hovering( that the right H word) and supply, I have had enough of my Narcissist. Their has always been a woman in the back ground… He chased Tonya his X, chased Amy after she moved back to Ohio, changed her name in his phone to Andy. He had a 18 month affair with Crystal under a mutual friends name of Brenda in his phone… CRAZY MAKING… all the while calling me delusional, all the while telling me he has a new female friend that I will never meet. Never where he says he will be. Now his X wife is back in the picture. She has been coming up for extended visits every 3 months and stays for up to 6 weeks , (she is on mental disability I suspect its due to 18 years of his abuse) She left in Oct. after the babys 1 year Birthday. He went to pick her up yesteray and wanted me to come for the ride. When I found out where we were going I ordered him to take me home ,I am not going to Ga.(from SC) He let his 23 year old non working, pot smoking , pill popping, drinking, useless son move in his equally useless girlfriend and of course she got pregnant, now GrandMa comes to see the baby.. she had to move to Ohio to get away from him years ago and he followed her up there, hence the Amy X. He threatened to put me out of the truck on a country road in the rain yesterday ,that also is not new. We are still fighting about Crystal, when MaryAnn and the destination came into play, he always waits till he gets me in his truck miles from home and starts screaming and yelling till my ears ring. He says he has to do that cause “I am stupid and won’t listen to him.” He truly never lets any of us go.

He demanded that I attend Thanksgiving at his Dads this week . He wants his father to see just how bad both of his brothers treat me (WHAT!!!!!!) “wants him to see them show there asses towards me” He has said terrible things about me to them. I know this to be true because I have over heard things, talked to the one brothers live in girlfriend that just got out of the mental ward last week. I think all 4 brothers are narcissistic!!! One wife said she will survive this marriage, I know her husband cheats on her, the other brothers wife escaped, His own father claimed to have gotten remarried 9 months after their Mothers death and that was a lie. I went to Crystal’s trailor and got an ear full of the lies he told her, she even new things about our sex life and what a volital relationlship we have and he should leave me because…..bla bla bla……. I showed her my engagement ring and we talked for almost 3 hours. Back to my usefullness for him.. Since I have an SUV he has a truck everybody can ride in my vehicle. OMG. He had Crystal sleeping over his house and she is friends with his Son and now Wife, his X wife met her and so did one of his brothers, and his Father!!!… I feel like a T-Total fool. His son has zero respect for me, even told me one time that ring means nothing! He laughed and walked away. I escape and he sucks me right back in. I am on day 2 of NO CONTACT. Tomorrow will be the problem day, it always is.

All I can say is he is a very busy man, he lies, cheates, schemes, he is devious, manipulative controling and conniving, lately he has been telling me that I have no idea who I am dealing with. He also compartments people. None of his friends know each other, everyone is kept separate, I haven’t seen a post about that in your blogs yeat. I’m pretty shakey today. Very tired of all the BS. Thanksgiving alone is starting to sound like a blissful experience. He treated me like crap on my Birthday last month. Not even a card. I had to make a cake for his granddaughter, while the x wife sat and did nothing. I have changed my phone number 6 times and it only makes things worse, He is no longer on my face book page been a few weeks now. He actually broke up with me, and I took him off my page 5 min. after his ass hit the door. He got a text message and had to leave right then and there, that scenario is not new to me either, it wused to be Crystal offering sex back then. I have suspected a new victom has entered the picture he always needs a back up. Yes, I called the police once, I am back to screening my phone calls. My friends are sick and tired of hearing about his antics and can’t figure out why I don’t just dump him. I feel like selling my home and running away and changing my name. He has all but distroyed my business. He stays here 4 nights a week and has yet to contribute to a single bill. Sorry I am ranting and babbling.. The mental flood gates have opened… sorry that this letter is scattered, my brain is scattered right now. Guess I’ll stop writing here. Wishing everyone good Mental Health today.

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[…] mom for sure.” She’s helped me understand important behavioral terms like gas lighting, love bombing, and emotional […]

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Don November 7, 2014

It happens to us guys too. I’m in the longest breakup I’ve ever experienced. I won’t go into my story of almost six years of hell, but I’ve learned a lot from sites such as this about what I was dealing with. To make a long story short, this past June I met a wonderful woman and (having tried in vain to “make it work” with my narc) decided to move on. This resulted in being phone bombed text bombed and stalked. I will confess that I got weak and gave my narc “another chance”. She now knew she was “stupid” all those years and would treat me right. I broke up with a wonderful woman in order to give the narc a chance. Guess what? Three weeks later, I picked up her cell and saw where she was agreeing to going on a date with some guy she had dated previously. Am I wrong for being floored by that revelation? She was love bombing me a little and professing how much she would show me that she DID love me THIS time… but yet she’s accepting an invitation. I mean, I had to man up and dump someone sweet so that I could be with someone professing their love to me but can’t man up and tell the guy she has a boyfriend? Am I missing something here? I ended it right then. The bombing and stalking is back. She’s begging me back again and THIS time we’ll spend all our time together every day every night so I KNOW she’s not lying to me… My heart is heavy yet again…

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Greta October 28, 2014

Mine said he NEVER wanted to break up again. Sounded great, but immature. Immature at 63? RED FLAG.

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dear john narron October 15, 2014

[…] we have “Love Bombing by a Narccissist” explained – (this is totally what happened, John – what a naive schmuck I was to be so […]

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narcsurvivor September 26, 2014

OMG. My xN always told me I was the “most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on” and that I had a “perfect skull”. I laughed out loud when I read that in the above post . . . and then felt sad because I bought into it for four long years. I knew deep down he was a lying POS but I got addicted to the situation. I’m on Day 22 and counting of NO CONTACT (never lasted that long before). Thank you for this blog Kim. It really has opened my eyes. Positive vibes to you all!!! <3

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mumbo September 21, 2014

Just in response to the above comments about how selfish & terrible they are in bed. Mine was 54 years old and was the absolute worst in bed. Completely, totally about him. Even if it was about me, it was about HIM. One of the few times he went down on me he was actually getting somewhere, but after about 3 minutes he stopped, said he was exhausted, said that was the longest he’d ever gone down on a woman. 3 minutes? I said, incredulously. He argued it had been at least a half hour. And of course he got pouty & mad and the session was over until I coaxed him into letting me please him gloriously and with fantastic skill. God I’m so glad I’m over him.

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Angelica August 23, 2014

I’m so thankful that I got to see this article!
I’ve been going through hell because if my narc
Ex boyfriend…first he started out so sweet and loving,
His ex was the “bad one” who was a bitch & wasn’t there
For him and he was such a victim. I felt bad for him
And wanted to love him the right way. He told me he wanted to marry me
And wish we could fast forward in time and just be in love,
Which I thought was kind of wierd but I just went with it thinkng
He must really like me smh. Little did I know I was
Just another victim. Sadly I ended up getting pregnant,
3 months into us dating which he did on purpose after telling me he
Wanted me to have his baby. Something happened before
I found out I was pregnant because he tried to discard me right away.
I figured his ex came back into the picture (they have a son together)
Once I found out I was pregnant he told me he wasn’t ready for another baby
And to get rid of it. I was shocked and hurt by his reaction, but I don’t believe
In abortions so I told him I was keeping the baby and he weirdly agreed to be there
And work on us. Well after 8 months of manipulation and being controlled
And emotionally abuse he started to see that I was seeing
Him for who he was (he was being exposed) and
After bashing his ex out for so many months he ends up
Leaving me at 8 months pregnant to go be back with her.
Mind u he leaves and takes all his stuff while I’m at work
And I never hear from him only with random text msgs
To keep him updated n I never text back because
To me he didn’t deserve that. I had to find out not even a month later through
A friend who saw him & his ex together the real reason why
He left me. And once I finally spoke to him he tells me he’s in love with her and we were never nothing. So here I am due any day sad and depressed
That i let this man do this to me while he seemingly is
Living happily ever after with his ex. But comming accross your
Blog it explains everything about him to a T! I just don’t get how his ex
Took him back knowing how he is. But then again
She is sadly probably his victim yet again. But
I am glad I read your blog because instead of feeling like
I am nothing, I realize I was only his victim, and it wasn’t me
With the problem but him. Thank you for helping come
To that understanding. Sorry for my long story.

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Love Bombing | my marriage and divorce with a narcissist. June 28, 2014

[…] I know it well. […]

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Jon June 14, 2014

My ex actually wrote once: “I want to make you feel like I need you.” I had to read it three times for it to make sense, and once I did, it was chilling. She knows exactly what she is, but I don’t know when she got the sociopath diagnosis. “People with my condition are either in hospitals or jail” she writes, years ago, to some other guy.

The moral of the story is, read their email at the beginning of a relationship and not the end 😀

(That’s a joke)

… sort of.

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    Kim Saeed June 14, 2014

    Jon, very applicable, and possibly life-changing advice 🙂 Thank you for sharing!

    Reply
    julia August 21, 2015

    Hi, I’m with my narc for 11 years. I’m his 3rd wife and we recently got divorced because his having an affair.. his 53 and I’m 46 my second marriage. I only found out about the other woman he stayed with after we were married. 7 on total. So his now with the 10th I know,don’t know about the other. Be don’t talk @ the moment cause I confronted him. Told him he has hurt me. He did nd respond so I’m giving him the silent treatment. He’s not working @ the moment and now he’s seeing the new supply. I’m doing just fine cause I don’t have to cook or worry about him. Can’t wait to get rid of him.

    Reply
Danielle May 27, 2014

What I find so strange is that they all follow the same script EXACTLY word for word. Like they studied or were downloaded with the EXACT same program. Maybe they are not really humans at all but in fact aliens.

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2014

    Danielle, I’ve often pondered this myself. How DO they all use the same blueprint?

    I guess it’s just something that comes natural to them, Narc-oids that they are 🙂

    Reply

      I too am mixed up with a Narcissist, and he is not my first one “sigh” I have found common ground – they were raised by substance abusing parents, molested as a child, physically abused by one or both parents, bullied in school,(or became bullies) mentally abused and raised in a poor section of town. Not nurtured by either parent. I’m also starting to hear these as red flags if the Narcissist hasn’t and usually doesn’t seek treatment or counseling. They went or are going through substance abuse issues..or attend A.A. ,N.A .,S.A, I met my first Narc. when I was 22 and didn’t get free of him till I was 29. Met my husband had a better life till he passed when I was 45. After being single for 8 years. I met my last Narc. I was so vulnerable and he love bombed me like mad and I lapped up all this bull crap, and wanted more. Its been 5 years of lies, emotional pain, mental anguish, His story is similar to the one that love bombed me when I was 22. Been trying to get away from him for 20 Mo. He’s friended my friends on F/B. Gone to my friends events without me. His X-girlfriend and he had an 18 mo. emotional affair., after he discarded her and she moved to another state, always told him how much she still LOVES him. (he has started talking to her again recently.) After that he had a real affair with his next door neighbor for another 18 months while I wore his engagement ring and he bought me a cheap wedding set He later referred to it as the pity rings. He is now smoozing another woman, found that out went I went through his phone. She actually asked if he was still seeing me, and would like to get together with him. He always has to have one in the wings as back up. He is INSECURE, with “0” alone tolerance policy. that a flag too? He is a COWARD, LIAR, SABOTAGE is the name of his game, ran my business into the ground and I have almost lost my home. SELFISH, SELF CENTERED, CONTROLLING,& MANIPULATIVE, doesn’t matter what I am trying to do, he throws a wrench into it.. NO EMPATHY, Full of FALSE promises!!!! The YELLING, the SCREAMING, he tells me its the only way he can get me to listen to him. ( the put downs.) His blatant lack of RESPECT for me ,and all woman in general, and I will pay for what that have all done to him.

      I’m trying to get away, I’m 59 years old . The Dr. has put me on anti-anxiety medication. He just shows up here unannounced. He thinks I have another man in my life LOL. and wants to catch me. I get free of him I am flying solo…. All these traits make up a narcissist , their traumatic childhoods have been groomed into them at their parental units knees.

      The fact is we don’t speak the same language. They are from another planet. Discord, deceit, and betrayal ,seeking to break their partner, and the punishments for something stupid they cooked up in their head. Want to recreate their childhood comfort zone.

      Not what I saw growing up. This man is the opposite of all I new. My parents respected each other, talked nice to each other, I had a marriage like my parents marriage.

      Reply
sadgirl May 23, 2014

There needs to be more awareness as this happening to alot of us.I just ended everything last night, and know I need help. He has played with my mind, destroyed my soul. I need to learn to set boundaries so this will not happen again.
I met him online on a dating website, we talked, text 200 times a day, him alone, we were intimate in a month, then after couple months, being in a trance, everything changed. He pulled the rug underneath me. I stayed, had so much anxiety when he’s around, now know Its time to go.Im glad I found this website because I definitely need the tools to put myself together. I’ve made an appt. To talk to a counselor next week, I am a complete mess.

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    Kim Saeed May 23, 2014

    Sadgirl, I’m sorry about what’s happened to you, but I’m glad you were able to recognize what was happening and leave the situation.

    Best of luck with your counselor. Try to emphasize that you were in an emotionally manipulative/abusive relationship. That should help bypass most of the probing (yet sometimes irrelevant) questions asked by the therapist…

    Reply

[…] just as he did you in the beginning. For those of you who are just learning about Narcissism, “love-bombing” is the constant bombardment of flirting and flattery from the Narcissist. This includes actions […]

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Anonymous April 30, 2014

Please listen to the Alanis Morriette song Narcisiss on you tube- its very well done-helps you get some of the feelings out.

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    Kim Saeed May 1, 2014

    Oh thank you for the suggestion! I’ll check it out 🙂

    Reply
      Kaleb st clair October 29, 2015

      I am a victim of this and so confused and so hurt and have lost so much before I did realize if this was NPD of sociopath now i know its both its to much evidence and he covers all criteria for both disorders Howard is his name and we lived two yrs and things were OK but so much happened that I questioned but could not prove til I finally caught him in act of things That I was hoping not to find then when i confronted him His first threat was leaving and abandoning me instantly in the moment of the shock of finding him out …. But I then dd not know what npd or sociopath was but after that day we did stay but since he has gotten so much worse even n my face with the things he does … Lies cheats porn not responsible for any actions went to jail has left 12 times and will even stay n shelters to do what he wants … He has been gone two months this time I just dont know where to start all over again Iam lost inside very depressed and sick sometime … He walks out does not even act like & yrs is nothing or what he has cost me or done at all …. He is cold and almost like he has know soul compared to what he was playing for 2 yr of the 7 as of this month … I feel Like I am going crazy I literally have no one even family really not that will understand They are exhausted with it and don’t even wanna hear i they say I stayed withy him and am doing it to myself.

      Reply
    Mary January 23, 2015

    Fiona Apple – Sleep To Dream is another good one to listen to if you’re feeling particularly angry.

    Reply

[…] for only a week, they are saying it to appeal to your nurturing, sensitive nature and as a form of love-bombing.  Basically, it’s a form of reward and an unspoken prompt for you to persist in fawning over […]

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[…] doesn’t exist. The guy that I wound up with at the end is not the guy I knew in the beginning.” I reminded my friend that he knows me, and he knows how I operate. He knows how careful I […]

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[…] now being stalked like an episode of Investigation Discovery?  Did the relationship end and he is love-bombing and hoovering as if you were the Queen of […]

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emergingfromthedarknight January 27, 2014

Wow I didn’t know that the thing about the supposedly mixed up ex’s was a part of the narcissistic profile. When I met my ex we bonded over the fact his ex had a drug induced psychosis. I was in recovery and had been abstinent from alcohol for 13 years. But when he started telling me about this person I got a bad feeling in my gut. He claimed there had been a smear campaign against him in the community. Knowing what I know now I feel she may have become psychotic due to his abuse and I found out after he discarded me that his wife had suffered severe body esteem issues due to the fact he put her down for being overweight.. he also claimed she had lesbian tendencies.. a fact that was denied by his ex wife’s second husband who reached out and helped me when I was suicidal after my partner discarded me. Thank you for this list.

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    Kim Saeed January 27, 2014

    Every single one of them have the same story about their Ex(s). It never fails.

    It just makes me grind my teeth because victims all start out as kind, giving souls that wind up tortured because of the Narc’s psychological warfare tactics. I had a nervous breakdown, but thank God I overcame it. In the end, many of us do come unglued at the seams because of what’s been done to us and it takes a very skilled eye to be able to see that. That’s probably why I’ve healed myself better than any therapist ever could…and I saw several.

    I’m very glad to know you are learning more about your situation through my blog. Part of it comes from me, part from God because he gives me the ideas of what to write, and part of it comes from you because in the end,, the fact that you are educating yourself shows that you will come out of it just fine 🙂

    Reply
      emergingfromthedarknight January 27, 2014

      Yes, its understandable that we break down, isn’t it.. but I guess on some level, painful as it is we also wake up…its following the ending which is decimating they can live inside your head with the painful comments that reverberate.. If you had a parent who found you not good enough some of what they say is like the introjected voices left from them…and it takes work to not let that voice destroy you… the work by Robert Firestone on destructive voices really helped me to understand this….. I wonder Kim, did any therapist really help you? I have just had to end a second therapeutic relationship where the therapist really failed me at a time of need…what kind of help did you have to come through in the end?. I am sure God helped you, and it was the strength of your powerful, beautiful spirit that won through in the end. I am part of a co-dependency recovery group and that is helping me more than therapy and it is free.. also the blogs such as yours and others. I still get confused at times, but you site is so clear and strong. Very inspirational.

      Reply
      momto4 December 18, 2014

      Talking to a narcissist man was a new experience for me. I had known nothing about “red flags” or anything. My idea of one was just someone who only thought of himself. I believed him when he told me immediately to not contact his ex wife or ex girlfriend because they had been mean to him and would tell lies about him. I didn’t even know either of them. I believed everything he told me and was so happy that we had so much in common. I did not know he was only telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. He has avoided many of my questions and only partially answered others. I feel like he has been talking to a lot of women during the time we have been talking. He seems to need a lot of praise and says he has to have things his way. We only talk and have never met in person.

      Reply
beth January 22, 2014

This now is my turning point. After moving several times several thousand miles away only to have him find me (even in the middle of nowhere…GPS on the HTC perhaps?) the words he says to me are destroying me IF I continue with his psychotic unworthy sense of self entitlement. I gotta go. I am beginning to think worse than him. At least he ONLY discards me to come back again for more…whatever. He, on the other hand has nothing I need so my thinking is hey isn’t discard able, he is DISPOSABLE.

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beth January 22, 2014

Also: I am so tired of coming home to an empty house. I’m ready to settle down. Translates to: since I have so many women to juggle, I spend the majority of my time in the streets because, god forbid, I bring them to MY house for a night and one of the other drop by unexpectedly (to worship me). So I’m needing someone there to wait on me hand and foot, clean house, clothes, fix dinner and, least we forget, someone in my bed for those nights when I FINALLY do come home for longer than it takes me to shower and shave. You’ll do GREAT here since you have a job and are capable of tending to rent, water electricity when I am romancing my next victim with dinner dates to Waffle House and a movie. Yeh, I’ll be set! Women at ALL times PLUS the perk of having my very own ATM at the house.

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    Kim Saeed January 22, 2014

    You’ve just summed it up 🙂 This is exactly how they view their partners/supply.

    My turning point was when I finally grew tired of being more of a man than he was…

    Reply
    Sunshine June 13, 2014

    Omg I just laughed so hard at “worship me”

    That is so funny.

    I think about when we were intimate, or well, it would start off as mutual… Then pretty quickly he would just stop paying me any attention, and lay back, hands above his head, so I could worship the “man who did so much for me” I could actually see him thinking about how much he probably actually believed he deserved to have all the attention.

    I stopped trying to get my “satisfaction” from him because sex isn’t a mutual experiance, it’s all about him getting WORSHIPED so he can justify his wrong-doings. “If she will still do this with me, then she must not have found out the truth about where I was other night”

    So, I found myself multi-tasking in order to help him out, as quickly as possible because I figured out its not any fun for me, and he might be nice for a few minutes afterward (especially if I throw in how “great” he was). It’s about them getting superb gratification in shortest time possible. 🙂

    When he would lie and tell me he wanted to do something for me to me whatever, I’d also use this time to think about what he must be thinking “I’m such a stud” or “Oh yeah look how good she looks next to me” (although it was hard not to laugh).

    Or, I started making no noise at all, and giving him the “studious” look they love to do. (God, how can I relax and enjoy anything he’s doing when i look at him he has an anxious look like “why isn’t she praising me 10 times a second” or what I hated the most is how he made me feel by his body language when it was “his turn” he was so stiff and rigid an not graceful at all…. Just like a kid who’s been told to help with something he has no interest in, cleaning his room and getting ready for bed- so he over exaggerates by slamming the Legos into the box, and pushing the books under his bed with his foot. or brushing his teeth in a “slow motion wood saw” style….

    It was a “chore” for him to do anything that i desired, and he sure didn’t try very hard, yet would make sure the first thing he said was “I don’t understand why ur not satisfied, I tried as hard as I could” (I am trying hard to make this as PG-13 as possibly, so go ahead and fill in the bigger words with vulgar slang, it will make u see more of how he was blaming me for not being satisfie with his “effort”)

    Sometimes right at the moment when I sensed he was about to go to “worship me” mode, just for kicks (thank god I’ve always kept a little sense of humor) I would mimic his lazy, pathetic behavior, and I’d try and mirror him and lay back at the same time as him. This would always confuse him, and make him suddenly un-relaxed (see he was being exposed) and he would start fumbling about what to do to not look bad. And so he would very robotically start poking and prodding me, like a child who’s never touched a breast before,( they all seem to want to poke it for the first time, weather boy or girl, they never caress it obviously, it’s unfamiliar what to do with it so they kinda see a bullseye and dart a finger right at it)

    I realized he has no idea how to please a woman, because he never had any desire to learn more than one technique…. And I’m pretty sure most girls he did it more than once with (the ones that weren’t givers, were discarded) probably ended up realizing it’s easier to just get it over with than to have ur feelings hurt because of how obvious it is that he isn’t interested in this being a mutual thing….

    Anyway, I guess since I very rarely got any satisfaction sexually, I started to use the time to expose him ever so slightly, and to see if I could predict his next move. when he was naked and vulnerable and started getting nervous that I might see that he really isn’t a “sex god”. Haha. It was actually a really good revenge tactic. If he stops then he looks bad, but if he does something for me, it means more energy exerted than he already planned- oh what to do!

    Funniest thing- he would put one leg up on its foot while the other was on bender knee, his hands 90* to his hips. And he’d sorta do this slow upper body turn from right to left (probably thinking “i am the greatest man alive”)

    Anyway I happened to figure out exactly who he resembled….

    And it was hard not to laugh out loud after the realization, and one of the times I grew balls and came back at his rudeness, with something of my own- I notified him that I don’t like doing it with him because he is selfish and uninterested in me,…”especially when u do that weird Capitan Morgan stance and then u forget how to touch me or something cause ur too much of a pirate-hey I can think of other kinds of pirates!”

    Reply
      Nan June 16, 2014

      HaaaaaHaaaaaaaaHahahahahah…OMG! This is so true…Mine was just the same..Absolutely NO interest in pleasing me….And thought his manhood was the only thing needed…Had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA how to touch a woman at all….And then wondered why I wasn’t interested in anymore.

      Reply
      Anonymous March 8, 2015

      Hysterical….mine was a little boy who talked too much…

      Reply
      Carrie April 19, 2015

      Omg this is the best description of how selfish they are in bed that I’ve read!! SO SPOT ON! It was like he didn’t know how to handle the lady parts at all, no caressing, so clumsy and too rough, always missing hitting “the target spot” like he was purposely trying not to give me any pleasure whatsoever! I started to wonder if he even liked the female anatomy at all. And it was all my fault if he couldn’t pleasure me, he would ask me what was wrong with ME.

      He also had problems with ED and would go immediately limp if I tried to go on top, which he knew was the best position for my pleasure. After time, it seemed like he could control it to go limp on purpose when it wasn’t a position he liked, because he didn’t hardly ever have a problem with it when he was in his favorite position!

      I eventually gave up too and became like his sexual caretaker, only concerned about giving him pleasure and residing myself that I most likely would not get much from our sexual experiences (except false intensity). I CANNOT BELIEVE I PUT UP WITH THAT!! He had me hooked so much with his love-bombing. It was not for too long though, and I came to my senses.

      Reply
      Browng86 May 28, 2015

      OMG, this was my exact to a T….horrible, selfish lover. Claimed to have all this experience, but didn’t know how to please me… And I’m a Virgin! He didn’t care about pleasing me, and when I would demand it, he refused. It was a part of his devaluation stage. Not too long after, I was discarded. He found another unsuspecting supply/victim to leech off of.

      The signs were always there…my X narcs motivation was sex without the strings. He would say he wants a long term, but that’s just to woo his victims. I remember on our third date, he actually asked me how I would feel if his exes girlfriend asked him out to dinner and he went, how would I feel. I thought it was a red flag then, but I chose to ignore it cuz he was love bombing so much. (BTW, I told him I would be pissed if that happened). But now I know it was his supply he kept on deck, he reason he had pictures in a cloud from an extra 15 years ago, he would show me, the reason he wouldn’t add me as a friend on FB, but would scroll through his exes and show them to me, and when I would get upset, he would say I’m overreacting.

      It’s been two months since we broke up and I’m still reeling with revelations about why he did what he did, so many signs.

      Reply
      edenburnin July 21, 2015

      Omg so much of the same… It’s like they never touched a woman before

      Reply
      Gina April 13, 2017

      Lmao. You are my hero. I know we all come here pissed off with our sad rants about these selfish pricks but sometimes we all need a little humor. They do act like little boys. I have large boobs and he would poke at them…just like the 12 year old boys did to me back in grade school when I was developing. Narcs are stuck in that age. That immature selfish age when they tease the girl they like and play games with them. That age when they think boobs are kinda cool but they are kinda grossed out and annoyed with girls. They purposely get the girls they have crushes on to fight over them by making the girls jealous over each other. They would rather hang with the boys and play with their cars and talk badly about girls. When a girl they like upsets them like calling them out on their shit, they pout and stomp away blaming you and going “lalalalala I can’t hear you.” Oh snap! Here we all are and dealing with grown ass men who are acting exactly like little boys except they are now more sinister and ruthless.

      Reply
StrongerSoulSurvivor January 21, 2014

Oh, this is so true. I’m glad you highlighted that the things that come out of the narc’s mouth are nothing more than beautiful lies. Unfortunately, they are often skilled at intuiting exactly what we want to hear, and reflecting this back to us.

I’m glad you stressed that the things that come out of the narc’s mouth are nothing more than beautiful lies. It’s the memory of the love-boming part of the process – and it IS a cynical, calculated process – that keeps many of us stuck even when we realise we are being bled dry, emotionally, financially, and physically.

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sweetmarie9619 January 19, 2014

Well there, I believe I heard a varied form of all the common lies you included in your list. Everything you included in your post (and Diana’s translations above) gave me a lot of insight into Kevin’s behavior, even though I already felt on my own that he was a narcissist. I don’t think you should have worried about making the post too long, because as long as what you are adding is relevant, we will read it. I think that narcissism is a key part of the abuser’s personality, and things like this certainly need to be addressed so others are aware just how deep this issue goes.

Kevin used to go so far, even a few years after he began to physically abuse me, as to tell me that being with me felt like home! LOL By that time, I kind of think the game was up, because if that were the case, would he be abusive to begin with?

The one I laughed hardest at was that his ex was crazy. He neglected to mention that she was always throwing him out, tossing his junk on the yard, and changing the locks (and other things) was because he was an active addict and always going though money.. even though he had two young daughters at home, and he was also abusive to her. The time he told me that she had put his stuff in boxes outside during a rainstorm and changed the locks because he had been at a friend’s helping fix his computer and it was bad out so he couldn’t go home, all I had to do was ask if his friend was one of his dealers. When he said yes, I filled in the blanks myself.

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dianaiannarone January 19, 2014

Aww thank you…and yes I think most of us aren’t easily offended after all we have been through! I think I also just learned I can’t edit a reply, oops, oh well! I am grateful for your kind words:). Keep up the great work!! (The littel reply button wasn’t here this time, so I hope this stays in our thread!)

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dianaiannarone January 19, 2014

I hope you don’t mind, but I actually wrote down yesterday to create a list of the “the 50 dumbass things a narc tells you to hook you…” So when I saw this I started laughing…so I hope you don’t mind I put down some translastions to the ones you mentioned here!

• I can’t believe I’ve finally found you.
Translates to: I have tried very gentle manipulations on you while we have been talking and you have fallen for each one, so I know you are who I NEED…for my survival, I am so glad I found you.

• I’ve never felt so comfortable in someone’s company before.
Translates to: It is so easy to be with you, because I can see that I have you fascinated with me now and you already show a devotion to pleasing and caring for me-yay me! I am so glad I found you.

• No one understands me like you do.
Translates to: Being I am really just being exactly what I know you want, what you told me you want in various ways-of course you understand me, you created me…I am drawing you into this imaginary person you understand, for now~until I am through with you.

• You’re the most beautiful woman (or man) I’ve ever seen.
– You have the most attractive __________ (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).
Translates to: I am going to do my best to adore you, and help you feel so beautiful that all you want to do is serve me to receive more of that adoration-the way you serve me makes you so beautiful.

• My Ex was a psycho, drug addict, alcoholic, schizoid, cheater, etc.
Translates to: Please feel bad for me, I have been so victimized and all I have ever wanted to do was love. And as you hear those words, I hope you know, I will soon be saying those about you-you soon to be psycho, drug addict…

• You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
• I think I love you. I think I want to marry you.
• I never got married before because I haven’t found the right person yet.
Translates to: I need you to think that you are the best “thing” I have ever found…that I have been seeking for so long, that I am so disappointed that no one is genuine and loving like you…you are rare, and precious a treasure…so that I can suck the life out of you and discard you-and go about finding the NEXT best girlfriend I ever had.

• We have so much in common.
Translates to: I am going to tell you that I LOVE absolutely everything you told me you love so that you will think you found your soul mate…a once in a life time love and give me all you have to give, and rejoice in all we have in common- so I can use you up and spit you out.
He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.
So that you are vested and feel you can’t leave….

…Just couldn’t resist!

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    Kim Saeed January 19, 2014

    These are all very excellent translations! I thought about breaking them down, but was afraid of making the post too long. So, thank you for your valuable input!

    Reply
      dianaiannarone January 19, 2014

      LOL…I am glad you have a sense of humor…after I replied I thought, I hope I didn’t offend you! Is it not just amazing how classic and predicable they are?! It is like they all have the same inventory journal of classic lines…I love your writing. I have been enjoying your posts. I am so tech incompetent I can’t always figure out how to let you know! (Like I think you reposted a note about my book, I was so pleased to see it but could never find the page to say thank you!)
      LOL

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 19, 2014

        I am not easily offended, so don’t worry about that 🙂 I enjoy reading your blog, as well. It’s one of the first ones I referred to when I started learning about sadistic Narcs. 😀

        Reply
      Anonymous April 30, 2014

      wow-well done!!!!- takes the exact translation to a new level and helps me understand it more-
      need to go over it a few times to sink it into my head. TY

      Reply
        Kim Saeed May 1, 2014

        You’re welcome Anon. Now that I’ve been out of the FOG a while, I can understand their mindset quite well. And to think I was hoodwinked for 8 years. Wish I’d known about Narcissists and their games back then!

        Reply
    Mary January 21, 2015

    Yep, all of this and more. This is exactly what happened to me. I remember in the early stages of my relationship with my narc, he said he got a text from a woman professing her great love for him, blah blah blah….I said “well if that’s what you want I had better leave now so you can go back before this gets deeper”. Of course he said he was done with her. Probably not, she was just his latest discard that’s all. Looking back, everything that all these blogs and comments say are just what happened to me as well. I was lucky in some respects, I didn’t marry the guy, I never felt right accepting his marriage proposals, something I side said no, there is something wrong with this picture…..not to say I didn’t get strung completely out, I did. I’m feeling better now, but I still feel bad, I miss him for some stupid reason that I just have to work out within myself. I tell myself now, everyday, to love me, and respect me, because I am somebody. Maybe not to the narc, but I am to the people who I know love me. No one liked my narc, and the way he treated me. He tried so hard to keep me away from everyone. Neighbors, friends, family, pets, you name it. Happy, Happy, Happy now that I am starting got see the light.

    Reply
      dianaiannarone January 22, 2015

      How awesome that you had the wisdom and where-with-all to follow your gut. If we all did that most of us would sidestep the inevitable and relentless pain these relationships bring. What we miss isn’t them…it is the promises they made that we at some level believed. They are clearly not worth missing, but it feels real I understand. Your decision to really love you is the best decision by far! Keep looking forward:)

      Reply
        Mary January 22, 2015

        Well if I had left then it would have been great but I didn’t. I believed him. Dumb move on my part. I grieve but I KNOW I can’t do this ever again. Yes, look in the mirror and say “I love you more than that” and really mean it! Because you are worth SO much more than a little boy in a mans body. Love to you and hang in there, this is not easy but you are SO WORTH IT!

        Reply
          dianaiannarone January 23, 2015

          Yay you! Stay strong!

          Reply
          Mary January 23, 2015

          You too sweetie! Chin up, Narc out!!!

          Reply
    Anonymous July 31, 2015

    Perfect, you know what these abusers are all about. Thank you for your translations ☺

    Reply
      Kim Saeed August 4, 2015

      Thank you, Anon! There’s no better education than experience 😉

      Reply
    Anonymous November 19, 2015

    That sums him up almost spot on. They also like vulnerable people. I met mine at a hospital and thought he was genuinely caring. We spent 8 weeks at the hospital getting support from each other while waiting for loved ones to heal. Shortly after we went back to our normal lives he was on the phone constantly and then my doorstep. I trusted him. Not long after the jekyll and hyde started. Very confusing time but i always believed there was something wrong with him but i didn’t know what I was dealing with till much later. Never been in this kind of relationship before and never again. Im free and getting over that now.

    Reply
Kev January 19, 2014

I agree with most of this Kim, but aren’t some of these phrases used genuinely? For example, I both heard and used we have so much in common. I usually think, you have the most attractive…, but don’t usually say it. How do we know when it’s genuine or not…could we get it wrong or become somewhat paranoid if someone actually does use one of these phrases…that’s the worry I have when people try to box things.

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    Kim Saeed January 19, 2014

    Yes, these are used genuinely…in a genuine relationship. Narcissists say them the first or second day they’ve met you. It’s all about over-kill with them.

    I may go back and try to add this is somehow…

    Reply
      Kev January 20, 2014

      That’s a good point. When it seems way too soon and repeated more often than necessary. I guess instincts and that, something isn’t quite right feeling should help us distinguish the difference.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 20, 2014

        I did make an addendum to include this….thanks a lot for pointing it out 🙂

        Reply
          Kev January 20, 2014

          I just re-read the post…that addendum really clears things up. 🙂 You’re doing a great job at making us aware of the Narcs’…methods Kim. A lot of people need this awareness to keep them from falling back into the same traps with other potential predators after breaking free from one.

          Reply
      Lovely August 6, 2016

      What about 1 that waits for a long period of time to build up trust before the love bombing starts? I guess you really have no hope do you! Fortunately been through it a few times now with slightly different scenarios (which keeps throwing me) so I don’t take it personally.

      Reply
        Willow June 15, 2017

        The XNarc of 20 years used to tell me all the time how beautiful I was. The most beautiful woman in the world. And the smartest of course because I chose him. A perfect being. Seeing me as Perfect was his way of feeling good about himself. Classic narcissist. He would say that we must be both aliens because we were such perfect people. It was our inside joke, until I gained weight during pregnancy and had serious health problems, of which he couldn’t care less about or help me with our baby. Since I was no longer perfect, I was discarded after 15 years. He didn’t leave. Just had new supply with other women and when he was home, pretty much ignored me. Like I was invisible. The crazy making behaviors started, gas lighting etc. Until I was literally on my death bed, I reached out to my parents to escape. Worst 5 years of my life. Been out 2 and its still difficult as we have minimal contact regarding our son. Can’t date at ALL. Cannot trust. Don’t know if I will ever be able to again. And since I picked up some of his fleas myself after all those years. I’m healing slowly and trying my best to shake all the fleas off. I was unaware that I myself had become cold and lost my empathy, just like him. I was a bright shiny object @21 that caught his eye. Now he’s dating a girl 25 years younger than him. The younger the better for him to manipulate. I feel sorry for her. She has no idea what kind of hell she’s in for. But I am happy he’s her problem now and not mine. FREE at last.

        Reply
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