After the Discard: The Other Woman

By Kim Saeed | Narcissistic Behaviors

Jan 21

Being discarded by a Narcissist is one of the most painful experiences victims endure…well, after the heart-wrenching devalue phase.  It’s like icing on an insidious, poisonous cake for which only Narcissists hold the recipe.

The Discard

After being discarded, you believe it’s your fault.  You obsess over whether you could have done things differently.  You languish over your abuser, brooding over whether there’s a chance to win him back and prove your worth.

That’s precisely what he wants.

You see, while he was preening the new supply behind your back, he was busy telling you (and everyone within a 50-mile radius) everything that’s wrong with you and your place in the demise of the relationship.  He wants you to believe you are the one who drove him into the arms of another woman.  And that’s what victims believe.  Every time.

Narcissists need you to think the problems in the relationship are solely your fault, and it’s no different during the break up.  Remember how he became particularly nasty at the end, leaving you in a heaping mess on the floor in the fetal position?  That was to guarantee he held no accountability while making arrangements to move in with the new supply.  Meanwhile you take the burden of the situation on your shoulders.

As painful as it is, there is a blueprint for what happened.  Your abuser brainwashed you from the beginning.  He hooked you in by sweeping you off your feet.  Once you were completely under his spell, he began to chip away at your confidence, independence, and self-image.  He masterminded a way to make you completely dependent upon his approval while destroying any support you had on the outside.

And since the relationship was doomed from the start, it was crucial for him to make you believe it was your fault when the relationship came to an end.

The New Woman

After being unceremoniously kicked to the curb, you discover your partner is living a magical fairy tale with an attractive, happy-go-lucky new partner.

Appearances can be deceiving.

You might think she’s prettier, or has a better body.   It’s tortuous, especially after being conditioned by your abuser to think you’re worthless and unattractive.  That he has a new partner in less than a week only intensifies these feelings.  But it has nothing to do with the new woman.  And it has nothing to do with you.  It’s all about him and the fact that he’s a predatory manipulator.

He didn’t choose her because of her looks, nor because of “love”.  He chose her because he cannot survive alone, and she was the first one to fit the bill of new supply.  While he was in the final phase of discarding you, he was conditioning her.  Any observations you make regarding her looks, body, car, etc., are coincidental.  Remember, he doesn’t see what you see when you look at her.  The only thing he sees is MEAL TICKET.

Think of it this way.  If you go to a nice buffet dinner, you expect a variety of choice that includes several items you prefer.  You’re not going to choose the dried out, discolored dish on the left that everyone keeps passing over.  You are going to pick the steaming, fresh dish that not only tastes good, but will be available in ample supply until you’re full.

That’s the mindset of the Narcissist when he chooses his new target.  Just as you eventually tire of the buffet and decide you’ve had enough, the Narcissist will do the same with his new supply because either he gets bored, or the dish is no longer the same because some of the ingredients are missing. Consequently, he will eventually devalue and discard her, too.

If you’ve been discarded, you should use it to your advantage and ensure he can’t get you back under his spell.  Many individuals in this position allow the Narcissist back in and end up being the “Other Woman”.  Yep, regardless of the fact he has a new girl in his life, these predators usually keep their former partners as side-supply because they get bored at some point.  Don’t allow him to use you this way.  He made the choice to leave you.  Don’t give him the chance to have his cake and eat it, too.

I would love to hear your comments about this post, and I would also appreciate it very much if you pass this information on to help spread awareness.

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(311) comments

Kianna June 3, 2017

Everything up said in this article is true,no one will ever understand how u try to explain this person left u brainwash,crazy,confuse,not empty it’s like the devil himself took your soul when u hit rock bottom with demonic devil we call narcissist

I’m still feeling away that I don’t know if I ever him get back to me on top of other life b.s. they will call u even after they move on said u was nothing n talk about u to others or even other woman. want to see u ,been so sweet but u have to pay close attention to the words n deamomor.its just them want u to give in they are like kids who don’t like the word no that want there way.its deeper than control

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Anonymous June 2, 2017

So spot on. I do not know what happened to him and his new supply ( I do know she was the perfect target:Money and clueless) And I don’t want to know. I believe in karma and redemption. I may not see it for myself but it exists and in my heart of hearts I know, that man will get what’s coming to him. I do pity the other person though.

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Anonymous May 31, 2017

He(covert narc) didn’t tell me it was my fault, but I guess he said it to the other girl behind my back, kind of she never cooked for me, I spent my birthday alone…
he just told me that his feelings have changed and he might have misinterpreted his feelings( a sister love). he was preparing the new other girl, she became the one for him after 2 weeks of texting asked her to marry him after the second meeting. (I was the one for him too after 2 weeks, where he was saying he never had feelings like this, and he never thought that love could be so strong).
the funny thing with him is that the girl contacted me telling me that he is cheating on both of us with both of us. before that everything was ok, except some delusional stories he was telling me ( was that gas lighting). when his mask was off, he came up with I don’t deserve to be with you, the next day I don’t have any feelings for you anymore and I found the girl that is really my one.
end of the story the girl left him although he was begging her to give him a second chance. She told me that she is sure that he wanted to be back to be the one who leaves her at the end. He was always the one who breakup the relationships.
2 months and half now that is over, and I am still in shock about how people can be deceiving, he turned out to be completely what he pretends to hate and what I HATE.
he played me and fooled me , I had no experience before him and he took advantage on that.
I do not regret him and thank God that is over because it wasn’t real. but it really hurts.

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Anonymous May 21, 2017

Hi my ex narcissist boyfriend I broke up with the 28th of February. We were together a year during that time the first few months he was the night in shining armor. Coming to save the day, I’m a single mom of 3 and my youngest is severely autistic. He used my autistic son to groom me… Always asking how he was doing and said he used to help his mother take care of disabled adults like Isaiah… To make a very long storie short. He told me in the beginning he could no longer have children. When I broke up he was seeing a very young girl at our job Yes we work together and had been for 3 months before I broke up… Found out after we broke up also takes to his family who told me this is what he does to all women. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks after I broke up now I’m 4 months pregnant with a son

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    Rosemarie Ifill June 14, 2017

    O my…you are GOING to be all right.I left the narc 2 weeks ago.I am still hurting.but praying that the no contact stays a why….it was broken two days ago.I want to go far away from him…its painful and gutwrenching…Please take care of yourself…these people are demonic.

    Reply
Letitgo April 11, 2017

I finally left mine after an extremely painful few years. At the end the abuse was killing me so one day I didnt come home. I went on to find my own place. He would not allow me or my family to come get my things. So he had to do it of course. We attempted at his desperate urging to try and work things out in separate households. Things would be ok but then a huge blow up and then here comes the hoover and Id fall for it EVERY time. His new supply contacted me about his treatment of her and did he do me the same way. I told her everything but of course he drew her back in and threw me under the bus but honestly Im ok with that. she will in time see that I was right! He hasnt attempted a hoover yet and its been a month. I learned alot from her as well. What he was saying about me and the lies generated, that he cheated on me the entire relationship, and the lies….my lord how do you keep up with so many lies. I moved out 16 months ago and still have issues with thoughts of him and the deep levels of myself that he affected. Ive been reeled back in by the false charm way too many times to count. I became the other woman for a minute.Im like I just want free!! You have moved on and so have I finally after the “epiphany” but the the obsessive thoughts and emotions with this evil entity just wont go away. I read a book related to “Exorcising the narcissist”. Basically discarding of anything that makes you think of them, any gifts, cards, etc …..rearranging furniture, not going to places you once did. To train your mind to divert thoughts when they crop up but that so far has been the hardest part for me. I just have been so down for so long that the truth did set me somewhat free. I have been going out with friends and having fun which I had not been doing until recently. Moving forward the best I can.

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Annabel April 7, 2017

Hi,
Thank you for your website. I am having a hard time again lately. My ex narcissist was and still is (until June of this year) my sons Kindergarten teacher. We were only “together” for about 4 and half months but it truly ended after 8 months. It devastated me and I nearly went to the principal because what he did was simply not ok. Anyway after much healing – therapy, hiking, breath work, becoming an energy healer I feel better for sure but there is still so much sadness and last few days anger again. I still have to see him 5 says a week…I ignored him for 2 months end of last year but realized beginning of this year ignoring him takes effort and it shows him he still bothers me and he is my sons teacher…:(
Anyway we have been communicating but every time I see him it triggers “something”…..makes me so angry! He doesn’t have a care in the world though…Mr. wonderful and charming with all the parents and teachers. He told me he is working a lot on himself and I changed his life (yeah right)…but I just don’t really believe it. Anyway…just wish this feeling would go away forever. Annabel

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Kristina Napier April 4, 2017

My narcissistic boyfriend just left me for another woman who he supposedly intends to marry. While I thought we were in a relationship, he apparently told others we were just friends. I believed the lies when he would go away for the weekend to go see his daughter or some other story. I believed him when he said he was talking to a close male friend of his on the phone when he would go outside of the house to talk all hours of the night. He made me feel like I owed him. He was always a victim. How could I be so stupid? What’s worse is that I picture him having sex with this other woman and it drives me insane. Why should I care? I should be angry and irate and hate him. A part of me misses him. Am I sick?

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    Anonymous May 29, 2017

    Hey are you still feeling like you miss him? I get that feeling as well. It’s like you know they are not the right person for you…yet you deeply miss them. I hope you are able to find joy and support from your friends and family….and I also get that too that friends and family are sick and tired of hearing about the ups and downs….so you feel isolated. I totally get it.

    Reply
Lost November 6, 2016

I felt so alone until I read everybody else’s experiences. I’m still going through the grieving phase of him leaving me. I feel so raw. I feel worse thinking of what I put up with for so long. I’m a highly sensitive person and my confidence is at rock bottom. I feel timid around other men. My ex started getting cosy with a female friend a while ago. What is sickening is she sounds just like me. He’s told me all about her experiencing abuse in the past, and she’s extremely emotional too. She’s been providing him with a lot of emotional support which he feeds off. He even told me of her opinion on us – I’m assuming she doesn’t know of his narcissistic ways, or how he treated me. But apparently she helped him come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love me, and perhaps never did. He was a gambler, with deep anger, possession issues and he was the most competitive person I knew. I’m just not sure why I feel so upset. I had been wanting freedom for so long. I have provided him with most of my wages every month – even when he had his own source of income and gambled it away – I held him so many nights when he cried about his issues and insecurities, and forgave him so many times. I have pushed so many people away because of him. I wish I never met him.

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    Kim Saeed November 6, 2016

    Hi Lost,

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience here. I understand how painful this all is, but I want to let you know what’s going on here. He is triangulating between you and her. I wouldn’t believe or take to heart anything he says about this new girl, including anything she supposedly says about you. Know that he is likely not being completely accurate in what he says about you, so any supposed response she makes isn’t based on reality. Besides, whatever he’s relaying back to you in regards to what she is saying is likely his own words. Don’t believe or internalize anything. He’s not honest like you are, so don’t project your honesty onto him.

    This is one of their blueprint behaviors. Almost all of them do it. A new girl pops onto the scene, suddenly she gives him everything you didn’t or couldn’t, and he confides everything in you as though the two of you are “friends” now and he shares all of his euphoria about the new girl. It’s all very intentional.

    Even though it seems like and feels like he’s left you, he will be back at some point when the new girl starts figuring him out. I hope you will block him so he can’t pull you back into his twisted agenda.

    Kim

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      Lost November 7, 2016

      Thankyou Kim. Ironically he’s at university at present studying psychology and he aspires to be a clinical psychologist. He has a perfect opportunity to find multiple other women who could cater to his needs! He contacts every so often to ask what I have been doing, and reemphasises that although he never loved me, he cares, but it will never work. He has very deep emotional issues which I know he will always have. I should be happy to be free of the violence and control. I have blocked all contact now so hopefully I can start to move on with my life.

      Reply
      Debbie Toomey March 19, 2017

      2.5 years and 4 chances later after finding out that my narcissistic husband was having an affair while I was going through breast cancer, I am divorcing him. We were married for 7 years. Three days after I announced that I was divorcing him, he got on a dating website met a girl not even two weeks later and they are in love in less than 30 days. I am amazed at how fast this all has happened. From what I have read it says that he will eventually come back around to try to get me back under his spell. Is this true?

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        Kim Saeed May 29, 2017

        Hi Debbie, I am sorry to learn about your cancer. My sister is a survivor, and I wish the same for you.

        Regarding whether he will come back around, I can’t say for sure. Most of them do, but not always. It all depends on who and what else they have going on in their lives and what their agendas are. If I were in your shoes, I would block him from being able to get in touch with you so that if he DID try, he would get nothing but crickets chirping…

        Kim

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          Jb June 15, 2017

          I can’t bring myself to share the last 8 years of my journey with and ex, but the thought of returning into my life,it scares me to imagine someone could first do what they do, and them return when things dont go their way, is just mind blowing. I will pray everyday that I will not fall in that trap again and to be aware of any sign of it happening, I too have started to remove everything possible of his, I just want to forget the last 8 yrs of my life and start fresh.
          Thank you all for sharing, this is the best thing that has happen out of this whole mess! God bless all of you and be safe ladies.

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Ronnie September 12, 2016

I blindly dealt with a narcissist for 13 months and it was the biggest waste of time of my life. He was perfect that prayers as always but of course I made my own mistakes but he was a very unforgiving. He was very disrespectful became distance and wanted to spend less time and me feel bad about myself always saying I’m a bad person when I try so hard to do things right make him happy but nothing worked and I lost a lot of weight. He would always go overboard with arguments and wouldn’t face me because he was a coward and throughout all of his relationships he’s always been a coward. Whenever I would try to give him constructive criticism he will always be in full blown rage. He didn’t care about my feelings as much as I did his but he is his father’s son. Right after our big fight and break up he already was with someone else. I am hurt by this but I do know he will never be happy. He is 25 and still childish unfortunately. Beware ladies his name is Masod Hunt. SAVE YOURSELF.

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D August 29, 2016

Kim, after reading your article and everyone’s comments I feel a relief and in my head. I was In 5 year relationship with my ex had physically abused me eroded my confidence and my soul. He trashed my belongings and vandalized my car. Used to fight with my family and hated my friends. I cheated on him well after the physical abuse started. I left several times to my dads house and to a new apt for myself. We have an almost 4 year old together too, who has witnessed so much of the madness. After 5 months of splitting up and living separately where we were trying to work on our relationship, I still sought out other petiole until I left him high and dry to feel hopeless and heartbroken. I simply felt over him and relieved I was “in love”. It wasn’t until a month later he met a girl I went to hs with and started being with her in the town he lived in where his parents also lived. I had broken up with the person I was seeing and then found this out. It tore me up and I went crazy crying and crying. I suddenly understood what I had done to him. He broke up with her within a week and we started seeing each other again. I was happy and yet he still talked shit to me where I took and believed I deserved it for making him feel heartbreak. He tried killing me by strangulation a week later because some new lies rose to the surface and I left. I went back the same day and we rented a house 3 weeks later. He strangled me and we fought terribly all the time. Until one day he came into the room where my son and I were beat me up senseless. The cops had been driving by and heard the screaming, came and took him. Cops had been called on him before for assault on me. But this was family violence on paper now. 4 days in jail and I had already moved out and back to my old town with my family. Everyone believed I was stupid for going back this time and pretty much every time. Cps got involved and he is safe with me in my parents house. The emotional baggage I carry is so exhausting all this guilt and accountability and the blaming it’s so heavy. He got back with that girl the same day he tried apologizing to me and getting me back. I had warned her twice while he was away and she fake nicely spoke to me and agreed that he was a jerk. Minutes later I see her messaging him on fb messenger that was logged into his account on my tablet. I watched for a whole day their conversation about how I wanted her to hate him and that I bothered her and that she missed him and he missed her. I didn’t know what else to do but obsess knowing I had access to these emails. We talked the next day knowing we couldn’t be together and he asked me back telling me all the things I wanted from him before. But it was too late. Now I can’t stop obsessing over them. Stalking his every move with his location shared with me through Google. It’s so messed up, I just can’t stop. theres too much that I can’t let go. Even knowing it was a consistent move against my best interest and my sons. I feel so empty and shame. I also filed for a two year protective order. I looked up articles on how to stop obsessing and found your article. It helped me feel better to know that you are foretelling it how it is and will be. I have fears, of him makin a new family. She is an artist like I used to be, a productive person in the community and she makes him ” feel like he is alive and well again”. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to find someone with all this in my head. She doesn’t believe that he’s an abuser and my family hates his guts because of what he’s done to me and found reasonable reasons why I cheated since he’s a scumbag of a person.

I want to let him go and stop obsessing, it’s making me sad everyday and I can’t stop knowing what he’s doing.

My life with him was so bonded over trauma that I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone who will truly make me forget him. I’m 24, he is 26, and the ow is 22.

Thank you, I needed to write this down.

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    D August 29, 2016

    My son is save with me in my house.*
    People*

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Jan August 17, 2016

and this is exactly what’s happened to me and, i’m ashamed to say, more than once. and i went back every time. this is the first time i’ve gone no contact and it’s only been 24 hours. it hurts like crazy. we’ve been together so long and we worked at home so it was literally always the two of us together chatting every day. i’ve been the woman AND the woman in the wings all this time and now he’s not discarded me yet but telling me he’s met someone else that he may or may not stay with but maybe he and i can have another twenty years instead. i won’t be the consolation prize! and, since i’m out of the country right now, we’ve been chatting online like we have for as long as the internet has existed. yesterday he said something so cruel that i said ENOUGH and told him no more contact. i miss chatting to him so so much but i have to do this. i’ve been letting him hurt me, and hurting myself for far too long. thank you for this article.

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cathy August 17, 2016

i feel as though someone has scripted my life when i read these comments… i still cannot believe i fell for this. i certainly never will again and yes the addiction is something i will probably fight for a long time but i am
well on the way to healing. At least i can see it now!

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Gigi Hangach August 13, 2016

My narc chose a heavy unattractive woman to replace me. I dont think he likes the competition of an attractive partner. Is this fairly common? Also i was much more successful in our shared profession. I felt like that really irritated him at times. I often wondered out loud if he even liked me because of the way he acted. He would assure me he loved me & blame it on overworking! HA!

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    Melinda August 17, 2016

    @Gigi…my ex-narc did the same. The woman he “replaced” me with was also heavy and unattractive.
    However, I think she has some good qualities and she is the one who took care of him while he was dying from cancer.

    All of the girls he cheated on me with were ugly (sorry, but it’s true). But I think that with this one, she has a very nurturing way about her and he liked that.
    She was thirsty for male attention and felt special because he “chose” her over somebody more attractive.
    I know that there is much more to life than looks, just in case anyone wants to say I’m shallow. But the fact is that he was a VERY superficial person. His family was obsessed with appearance, money, and status.

    They would always put me down and call me names and criticize my appearance…yet when I look back, I was absolutely gorgeous at the time.
    It’s just that I had very low self-esteem. I didn’t know that I was pretty because of all the bullying and abuse. And my “replacement” was this girl who wasn’t pretty, so it hurt and confused me even more.
    I know that character and personality are more important, but I’m kind to others in general, so it really hurt to be abused and discarded for somebody who was fat and homely AFTER he’d told me so many times that I was stupid, fat, etc. He wanted me to feel bad about myself.

    It’s not about the way you look. You can be smart, gorgeous, charming, have a perfect figure, a well-paying career, etc…it doesn’t matter.
    It’s not about beauty. It’s about the Narc finding somebody who feeds their ego. I think with Narcs who choose obese or unattractive women, they know that sometimes these women have a need to be loved and they will go out of their way to keep him.
    They feed off of each other. The Narc has new “supply” that makes him feel like a king, and the replacement finally gets to feel pretty and worthy of attention from a good-looking guy.

    I know it sounds like I’m bashing women with a certain body type, but that isn’t my intent. Some bigger ladies are very attractive.
    I’m specifically talking about the ones that the Narcs cheat with or replace their victims with.

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dina miller August 13, 2016

Wow..im going through this as I write..my Narc has cheated on me numerous times and I always let it slide. See I’m a people pleaser and an was target. I’m head over heels for this jerk and I don’t want to be. Everyone thought we made a good couple..he was my world,we both agreed everything was good until the end of 2013(it really wasn’t good)than an old GF from high school that he hadn’t seen or heard from in over 20yrs found him on FB..i saw their messages and she was coming on strong and she was married and had 3 kids..well he fell hook,line and sinker. Up until than he wanted me to hang out with him all the time we were best friends(I thought)they made a lunch date on Friday his day off when we normally always hung out..i ask what are we doing tomorrow and he said look I dont want you to come..i was crushed. Than he ask me to go with him to wash his truck like buddies again..he didn’t know I knew about his lunch date and he was washing it for his date! It hurt so bad and he could tell. Next day I ask him to drop me at a friends since he didn’t want to hang out(said he was taking truck to get fixed and wanted to be alone)he dropped me off and went on his date,found out later from her husband they met at the lake for a makeout session. Than he comes and picks me up and is so sweet and wants to take me to lunch! I never said anything because I was afraid he would leave! Wow! It gets worse from there so much worse but I kicked him out in Jan 2014 knowing he had been seeing her the whole time,he lived with me on my property..he begged to come back and told me how much he loved me blah blah blah..i let him come back..i can make myself think everything is good and so I did..supposedly he had no contact with her(she was trying to make I work with hubbie)..it didn’t work and she called him in Jan 2015 and I didn’t find out they were seeing each other until may when he was uncharacteristicly mean and hurtful and was living with me and her! Currently in seeing a great guy for a year and he is still with her but we text Dailey as friends..he has been wanting to spend weekends with me and I will say ok than blow him off..i have never said no to him and he is pissed and doing the silent treatment…i now know that he is a narc and probably never loved me(we were together 10yrs)we have some great memories and its so painful to think he knows he is killing me inside and doesnt care

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Rosalie August 11, 2016

This is exactly as it happened for me…and he tried to keep me around as the backup supply ….until I knew I had to get out of it and leave him to it. I know he will tire of her soon enough. They deserve each other…so good riddance.

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Martyne O'Bryan August 11, 2016

This is exactly right Kim! 100% what ended up happening to me. He was with his new supply within a week, and has already married straight after our divorce was final in a quick and cheap ceremony. They really do have a modius operandi and distinctive behaviour patterns.

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Melinda August 11, 2016

I won’t lie…I felt even worse after he moved on with her. He also had a child with her. But then I reminded myself that he was now HER problem.
She would have to deal with all of the terrible things about him, including disrespect from his family and friends. Not my problem anymore.

It also helped a little that she is much heavier than me and less attractive. Maybe that sounds shallow, but his family and friends would constantly insult me (they weren’t the most classy people).
So I was somewhat relieved to see how much he downgraded. I was a size 4, I had a cute shape, and I looked way better than her. So this might sound catty but I would look at their pictures and laugh to myself. THAT was the best he could do? After all the crap they would say about my appearance, THAT was my “replacement”? I will never again be with anyone who tries to make me feel worthless and ugly.
I was a beautiful woman and he was unworthy of me.

He passed away not too long ago, so most of the pain has healed but I still have more work to do emotionally. Now that I’m older and wiser, I see that his intent (as it is with most narcissists) was to destroy my self-esteem.
He tried to hurt me even more by flaunting this girl in my face and having a baby with her, but I’m still here…and he isn’t. I’m not saying that to be unkind, either, just making a point that karma is real.

He was able to get away with mistreating me for a long time but it caught up with him in the end. I am proud that I never tried to retaliate against him, his girlfriend, his family or his friends.
I stayed classy and tried to live my life despite the pain I felt inside. And you know what? I came out on top. My life is far from perfect and I struggle with many issues, but I’m still here and I can still appreciate the good things that come my way. I have a husband who dotes on me, I go on awesome vacations, and my family is healthy.
Above all…I am a far more compassionate person than he was and that was something he could never take away from me. I understood real suffering, having grown up with an abusive stepfather, so my ex added to that pain.

But now I choose to forgive him and pity the other woman because she is stuck raising a child on her own, while living under his parents’ roof.
I know she felt special because he “replaced” me with her. But now what does she have? No, he didn’t leave her by choice; he died. But the fact is that they tried to hurt me by throwing their relationship in my face and having a child together, since he knew my painful experiences with being pregnant in the past.
And then when he least expected it, he got sick and things fell apart. His family has always been about keeping up a perfect image but now they have to confront the truth that they aren’t perfect, and that we need to be careful how we treat other people in this life.

He might have used and abused me, discarded me like trash…but I continue to live and breathe.

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Betty August 10, 2016

How did you know the exact details of my past relationship? Lol! It’s like you’re talking diectly to me.

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    Betty August 10, 2016

    Seriously, not one word of this article needs to be altered in order to describe exactly what I went through. I’ve met the new supply and she seems like a very, nice person. I feel bad for her.

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Lynda August 10, 2016

Kim, you are so on the mark with this. The narc even let his new victim contact me to bash me with all the crap he had filled her with about me.

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Grathella Brown August 10, 2016

Wow reading this article open my eyes that I am going through this right this moment. Thank you is all I have to say.

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Renee August 10, 2016

Did you sit in my house, as a fly on the wall and write this about my life? Thank you for simplifying things for me to share with others so they may understand what happened to me.

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Lisa Tepp August 10, 2016

I got involved with my first live almost list my husband n family over it. I was threatened with if I walked away he’d tell my family. Thousands of dollars was taken from me I believed he was in financial trouble n he wasn’t. He set me up with his wife and wife’s best friend who he gets to have a affair with its sick. She kept telling me stuff which I would confront him he’d lie tell me he was telling my kids n husband. His wife let’s him go with who ever he wants and let’s him sleep with her best friend sick I know but me he couldn’t come near me when I got fed up n told my kids n husband. I just thank God my husband and kids forgave me. Him I blocked a year ago I hear through the grape vines how great he’s doing n I guess he’s always posting pics of him n the girl his wife let’s him sleep with . It’s wierd cuz they say only certain things are public almost like he wants me to see. I don’t understand how someone would take so much from me n hurt me and just is as happy as can be. Everything he has in his house that I got him into is from me. It took me 4 years to get to a ok place I wanted to die. Why ? I believed him with all my heart. Sick I know. I blocked him a year ago in July and that helps but I still hear how good he’s doing it hurts not as much not even sure if it hurts it bugs me that he doesn’t care how bad he hurt me.

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sissy July 3, 2016

I have to say, after watching my ex-husband do this to me and several other women who he married and discarded, I’ve learned that it’s not us, it’s him. My last relationship was unfortunately the same thing. He actually tried to use the triangulation trip on me with another woman he said he had no interest in. She really gave it to me at one point. Well, I left him heart and soul and you guessed it, he’s with her now. The only vindication I will seem to derive from all of this is that he will leave her stunned when he moves on to his next victim. Oh and btw, he’s married too. His wife has been by his side for 27 years and he will never leave her because, after all, she tolerates all of the nonsense. We all need to heal from these treacherous people and the havoc they reek on our lives. Stick to your boundaries, we all know right from wrong, if it seems too good or seems wrong, it’s time to turn around and leave. Love isn’t being doubtful of your own self and own self worth. xoxo

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chankla2 December 26, 2015

Kim your topics are right on! we ALL can relate in one way or another…
NO MATTER THE LENGTH OF BEING INVOLVED WITH A NARC GUY/GIRL ANY AGE, ITS ALWAYS ABT THEM! THYRE CONSTANTLY ONE FOOT IN ONE FOOT OUT, SEEKING A SUPPLY!!! SUPPLY! SUPPLY! ACCEPT THAT…..
WE FEEL, THINK, THEY DON’T, THEY USE A VERY TEENY PART OF THEIR BRAIN, THAT’S WHY THE PATTERN, CYCLE IS THE SAME!
ITS NOT US ITS THEM, TIME , LONGEVITY, HISTORY ,IS NOTHING TO A NARC….
THYRE BORING, TEEENY CHANGES THEY MAKE WITH EACH SUPPLY, THAT’S IT, !!! NO GROWTH, SUCCESS USE, USE, USE…. THEY FEEL INADEQUATE ON INSIDE, TRUTH…
I’M MAD AT ME FOR HANGING IN TOO LONG, IT ONLY HURT ME&FORCED ME TO CHANGE, GROW, NOT SETTLE, RE TRAIN MY BRAIN FOR STRENGTH, NEVER AGAIN IN A MESS LIKE THIS …
7YRS EX BF NARC, MAKES ME SICK!!!!
N/C ONLY WAY!!! THEY NEVER GO OUT OF THEIR PATTERN OR COMFORT ZONE……
SM STAY OFF ITS STUPID, FAKE AN THEY AIN’T HAPPY IF ALL THE TIME POSTING GO BE HAPPY, LIVE ITS RIDICULOUS!!!!!
IS IT HARD TO BE THROWN OUT LIKE YESTERDAYS TRASH? YES, THEY DON’T CARE, ACCEPTANCE IS A MAJOR STEP……. THYRE DONE WITH US….
ALL THAT SPARKLES DOESN’T SHINE
LEOPARDS DON’T CHANGE THEIR SPOTS, JUST CAMOFLAUGE EACH PREY….
THYRE NOT COOL, LOVING, ADVENTURESOME OR THE BLESSING WE THOUGHT FROM ABOVE, THYRE JUST A GUY/GIRL…. CAUSE IF THEY WERE WE WLDNT BE ON THESE SITES,
WE’D BE HAPPY IN A LOVING RELATIONSHIP…
AS TO WHAT THEY DO? THAT’S THEIR STORY TO TELL***
THEY’LL ALWAYS BE A PART OF US TO A CERTAIN DEGREE, YES
LETS THANK THEM FOR CROSSING OUR PATH, AN LET KARMA DO HER
THING, IT COMES BK AROUND…
DOING WHAT WE LOVE, SELF LOVE, SUCCESS WHATEVER THAT IS TO US?
WE WILL HAVE IT, I’M ROOTING FOR US, LET THEM BE…
STRENGTH! EVRYTHING WE WANT, NEED, MAY IT BE OURS, BELIEVE!!!!!!
‘)

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Melly December 21, 2015

I asked my husband if he wanted to be in the marriage. He said ‘no’ because he said he’d been unhappy for a few months. He went to stay with a friend that night. The next day he comes back, all tears & saying he loved me & hadn’t given up on our marriage. I saw this as a good thing, it gave me hope becasue I still loved him.The date 01 June 15.
I truly believed he may have been starting to suffer depression & told him to go stay with his friend for a few days to clear his head. I thought I was putting his welfare ahead of my own needs. This was the start of the end.
For 2 weeks he was still telling me he loved me & that we’d be ok. Contact gradually stopped over the next 3 weeks. On 17 July I got a text ending our marriage. Not even the decency to phone me or talk to me – a text was all I was worth after 5 years of marriage.
On 04 October he came round to get all his things. He told me he wasn’t coming back, he was happier & better on his own & that it was too late to save the marriage because he felt nothing. I asked him to talk to me but he simply loaded up the car he borrowed, handed me the house key & left. Again, he couldn’t even be bothered to talk to me.
Approximately 3 weeks later I found out he was already living with his girlfriend (in the same area as me) & had been since mid-August (could have even been up to a month sooner). About the same time I also discovered that he had started texting her only 5 days out of the house. So before he had the decency to end our marriage he was already laying the ground work with her.
I don’t know if he is a true narc but what he did, the way he did it, the small timeframe it took to go from ‘love’ to ‘nothing’ & the swiftness with which he moved on definately shows he has issues.
It’s almost Christmas & I am trying to be strong & most days I now succeed, but having no true closure or answers means I have a tendancy to go round in circles & ask why I was not good enough, why did he choose her over me & a million other questions that question my worth.
I see that I lost myself during our marriage because he had walked out early on & said he didn’t like confrontation, so I changed to accomodate him which meant my needs were not a priority to him or me. A mistake I hope never to repeat.
Would I take him back? My head says I’d be a fool, but my heart says probably. However, I doubt he’ll ever put me in the position to have to decide because he’s washed his hands so completely of me.
It is a sad world we live in when there are so many stories of betrayel & abandoment that can be found on the internet & it is becoming accepted as a normal practice.
To all the women (& men) who have been discarded so callously, remember that we all deserve to be happy & that we are responsible for that happiness so don’t let them steal any more of it.

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    Kim Saeed December 22, 2015

    You are right, Melly. We all deserve to be happy. Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. I truly wish you all the very best <3

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Nicole Greaney Cavan September 12, 2015

This is so true. Experienced all of this after getting involved with an older Scottish bank co-worker in my town. He is a nasty piece of shit. I now see what his ex wife went through. He blames everyone else and loves attention. He hasn’t real feelings. Friends warned me but I fell for the act. It has been hell on and off for the past few years. Walking on egg shells all the time. He lies and cheats but denies it all. Cutting him off will be difficult because of work but this time I want rid.

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Melissa August 19, 2015

This post really resonated with me today, thank you! Perhaps about two hours ago I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends, crying my eyes out, wondering aloud what the new girl has that I don’t? How come she’s allowed to follow him on instagram and he’s posted pictures of them together? (I was never allowed to follow him and his account “suddenly” went public two weeks ago. Nothing of me but lots of proof of lies he spun.) Lets be honest, I googled her and found out some information. All I could think was, “she drinks whiskey like him, she’s from Madrid (he’s wanted to go to Spain; it also happens to be my favorite place in the world); she’s a good cook (I’m vegan and he is not and living together and cooking in general was difficult), she lives in his neighborhood (we live in Brooklyn on opposite sides of Prospect Park and it takes 30 minutes by train to get to one another. He’s a very spontaneous person and if was sometimes difficult to meet up. If he decided to invite me at all)…” But then I thought about all the other girls before me who had similar qualities. He even broke up with a girl he described as the female version of himself! It’s not about US. WE ARE ENOUGH. The saddest part to me is I don’t wish him happiness, petty as that may be. And after 2.5 years together I (eventually) won’t want to know what’s going on in his life. I won’t be worrying if he calls his grandmother or mends his relationship with his mother. I won’t care if he stops doing cocaine and drinking less. I won’t be concerned if he’s using protection or not. He may have discarded me in the most cowardly and heartless manner but he also set me free.

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Heidi August 12, 2015

My relationship was on and off for 4 years. I tried so many times to move on – and he wouldn’t let me. Gave me so many reasons why I should give him another chance and I did. During our break ups, he would sleep with a girl that worked in the factory where he worked. It appears he would sleep with her and then come running back to me. When he decided to break up with me this final time – he told me he wanted to focus on himself and didn’t want anyone – including the factory girl. Three weeks later he was back with her. A girl completely opposite of me – party girl, sleeps around, loud/obnoxious – but yet I was the type of woman he “always wanted.” I fear I will never feel normal again.

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Rachel Bertram July 10, 2015

WOW……this is it! This is exactly what I have been through for the last 3.5 years! I met this guy on the internet, great guy, and he showered me with gifts, affection, and praise. Within 6 months to a year he began to fault find with me. He started to devalue me in ways that I have never had done to me before.
Eventually he came to me in year 3 and said, “I think our relationship has RUN ITS COURSE. I want to move forward and want to live alone again. ( I moved in with him after 2 years and it went terribly south after that)
After the discard he kept up his charade and kept me hanging on by giving me little morsels of attention. He also badmouthed me to his entire family making it look like I was the one with the issue and he needed to rid himself of me. When approached about this he denied every word. Eventually I moved out, and he STILL continues to give me a hug & Kiss when he sees me. Just to keep me engaged, and in his back pocket in case he needs “supply”……….or he can’t find anyone else to fool.
This man was adopted twice in his life, one at birth and the second after his adoptive dad passed away. HIs father who raised him from 6 years on was not very loving toward him. He received very little affection, admiration, or affirmations that he was a good kid. This is what I wonder has been his problem all along.
I am working my way through being done with him completely but I have loved my life with him other than his devaluation. I am independent and didn’t need all that much affection from him. He also never wanted to have sex…….he pushed me away a lot.
Still, I am working my way through this last stage of ending it. Thank you for your insight……….it helps!!!!

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Aliya June 26, 2015

I have been married for 20 yrs with him for since I was 16
Recently my husband and I separated he moved out and immediately I find out he was seen another woman he has always cheated I always made excuses for him thinking he is a good person he will change but I have Vernon a rollercoster for over 20 yrs
Yes there were good times but other women seem to always come into play my story is much more than just these few points there are my kids who are emotionally hurt as well and a kid he made outside our marriage
I know I am the blame for staying with him I just can’t seem to break free he moved out but he come back when he feel like he ” Misses me” I always fell for him and give him attention then the cycle starts all over again
I’m so hurt after a life time with one man how do I let go ?

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    Kim Saeed June 27, 2015

    Aliya, honestly, it’s sheer determination and will-power. I was still in love with my Ex when I left him, but I knew he never changed and I desperately wanted a different life for myself and my children. I’m happy to say that we are happier than ever now 🙂

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Paula May 10, 2015

my first love, we’ve been friends for 7 years. Tells me I’m amazing, smart, beautiful, perfect…. Then turns cold… Finds out about a 28 yr old woman with a 5 yr old….(he’s 24, I’m 22) left me for older, classless woman , double my size and obviously insecure, she called me and said she’d drive 3,4 hrs to fight me at public event. Of course he didn’t let her fight me but I found out they were dating longer than what I knew. She knew about me the whole time and read emails, saw phone calls and text. I’m embarrassed and this my first love. He’s doing everything he said he’d do with me, with her

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Cristina April 23, 2015

Thank you so much for this article, Kim. I’ve definitely been having this question on my mind: What is it within us that makes us fear he will be a better man with “her” than he was with us? I know we shouldn’t worry about what the narc is doing with his new supply after discarding us, but I must admit it sometimes drives me crazy knowing he is with someone new and seemingly ‘happy’, when I am alone! I have still struggled with these feelings despite knowing what the inevitable outcome of their “relationship” will be. In my case I know my narc and his new girlfriend have already broken up and gotten back together at least once. They have been only dating for about 6 months or so. I will dwell on that fact hoping it is a sign that they will be over soon, just so I will feel some relief!! I know it shouldn’t matter either way how long they last. I know what he is and he is a mess whom I DON’T ever want to be back with anyways. I don’t even care if he finds another woman right after this one, but for some reason I just don’t want him to be with the one he discarded ME for. Does anyone else feel this way? I guess it would just be some sort of confirmation that he truly is a narc/player that can’t have a healthy relationship with ANYONE, so I could take it less personally and get to the next step of healing. I have been NO contact with him for months now. Oh, and of course he has hoovered… but less and less lately… which is GOOD. Just that fact alone should help me to feel less anxious cause he has professed his (false) “love” for me while still with her. I’m sure she would just LOVE to know that! It was driving him crazy that I finally stopped responding to his nonsense after having fallen for it for 5 years. These guys are all the same and a total waste of any more of our thoughts… yet I am still having problems getting him and the fact that he is with her out of my head. I know I should be trying harder to focus on more positive things at this point yet my brain keeps wanting to go over the details again and again to somehow justify it is truly HIM and not ME,… and that I have lost NOTHING!

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Mary April 12, 2015

This is me! I was with my ex boyfriend for 7yrs, we have to boys together.. Since the beggining of our relationship he cheated on me,beaten on me, abused me emotionally and verbally: tells me I’m ugly,fat, i didnt dress like before ect..he always cheated on me with so many different woman, even with some of my friends. He uses drugs and alcohol. I got an std by him when i was pregant with my 2nd child.He has always been in & out of jail & even deported more than 3 times back to mexico. I’ve always tired to leave him, but he new exactly how to get me back : he’ll beg and stalk me, call me 1,000xs, even contacted my family members to talk to me. I’ve always go back to him thinking he’ll change for me & his children, but over time he’ll just get worst!! & i was always left feeling stupid and wishing that i would of left him the first time. It was a cycle that kept on happening again and again. Recently on july 2014, he was coked & drunked out and started hitting me & chocking me, it got so worst that a knife was involed the fight. I broke it off with him that night and the next day he begged me & cried that he would change again.. I didnt go back to him.. Just a month later i find out he’s living with his new girlfriend 1 hr away from here.. And he still kept on begging me to go back to him, that he didnt love this new girl, and just wants her to forget about me, and telling me that he’ll leave her & come back to me. On Nov 2014 he was arrested and charged with a felony of drug charges & was sentenced to 4 months in jail. Throughout those 4 months he sent me letters every week telling me that he loves me and that when he gets out he’s goin to get back his family ect. In March 2015 he came out & told me that he wants me back and he’ll change himself & he’ll do anything to get me & his family back, that he’s not even with this girl..and i ignored everything. All of a sudden i started to feel sympithy for him & even checked out his FB and the new girl’s too. She has pics of them together & all lovey- dovey and they look happy. So i was confused to what he was telling me and seeing the opposite on social media, but it was not the first time i been through this with another girl.. But now im caring if he’s actually happy with her? & if he’ll change for her? Is he treating her better than how he treated me? Has she seen the cracks on him? Will he cheat in her? They only have been goin out about 8 months but half of that time he was in jail, so in reality like 3 1/2 months.Idk why all of a sudden i care about this other girl. I feel like i miss him and love him and i always think about him, i even cry almost everytime in the shower that why is this happening to me? What did i do to deserve this pain while he’s all happy & im just stuck here lookin stupid. What if he really changes now? I feel like im never goin to get over him, that im never goin to find some else in the future.. Everytime i go out with my kids i see couples with children having a good time & i get really sad thinking that could of been us..or when i see couples kissing and all of that, i get sad and angry because i imagine him with his new girl like that.. Idk what is up with me i feel like im goin crazy! And loosing me mind.. I thought i was mature but being like this makes me think im really weak. I dont feel attractive at all. I dont doll up, i dont go out with my friends, i dont do crap bc i dont feel motivation and i feel kind of depressed in some points.. Can you plz give me advice plz.

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Marie April 11, 2015

I am currently going through the discarding phase. My Ex “N” has been trying to feed me with his “I miss you’s and I miss my family” I have instilled the “No Contact” and he has finally moved out of his current location and in with his new supply. It’s so hard seeing it all play out in front of your face. He seems so happy now and it really looks like he’s finally changed for the better. I feel like maybe I should’ve done something different.

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    Shawn April 11, 2015

    Marie – don’t buy into anything that’s happening with him. It is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. You can’t see it now, but you are much better off without him. I promise. I have been exactly where you are. I’m now 17 months free. As you read and research and talk to other survivors and remember what happened…the conversations…the sick feeling…the gut screaming at you…as it begins to add up, you will start to know that even though it hurts, you are much better off without him. No good comes from these relationships. Hang out long enough and this house of cards will collapse too.

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Katie February 13, 2015

After 15 years of marriage, which included affairs, lies, physical and mental abuse, I left him a little over a year ago, taking our 14 year old daughter with me. He would pop back in to my life, on and off, and gave the impression that there may be some hope. Even at this point, I was pretty convinced he was a narcissist, but every time he came around, that same old *(^%^ that he pulls made me think he was changing. So around July or August, I had a feeling he was involved with this woman he works with. I wasn’t sure, but you know the feelings you get, right? From that point until around November 1, I didn’t see or hear from him much, except in matters concerning our daughter. But then things changed, he really turned on the charm and made lots of comments about a possible future together, that he changed, he has always love me, blah, blah, blah. There was something off. He became even more secretive than usual with his cell phone, never letting it out of his sight while he was at my apartment. Would go out of his way to make sure that I didn’t have any pictures of him on my Facebook for anyone to see, and would never let me call him at work because they have “phones off” policy during work hours. This went on with us being in contact every day, dates on Friday nights, you know, like we were working on things. Two weeks ago I made an offhand comment about the other woman…. nothing mean just a little flippant… he freaked out and said unless I apologized to him for that, he didn’t want to hear from me. And I said, ok, well when you apologize to me for 15 years of bullshit, I’ll think about it. At that point I made up my mind that no contact was it from here on out. I was so good. Over a week and nothing. Then out of the blue (on a Friday) he invites me out for the following night. I did not reply. Then the following Sunday, the most amazing thing happened. For some reason, when he got his new work phone, the Notes on the phone were set up to sync with my daughter’s email address. He was unfamiliar with iPhones, so I’m sure he had no idea. My daughter comes to me with her phone in hand and says “I think this is a note to Debbie (the OW).” What I saw was an outline he had made of an email to her, basically saying that she was whore, that he should have known better when she told him that she had slept with half the police force in our town, that she pays too much attention to her dog… all these really nasty things, but then ends the letter telling her how much he loves her “so Goddamn much” is what he said. And also adding that he loves NO ONE ELSE but her. Can you believe it? So my last text (ever) to him was enclosing that note that I found and telling him never to contact me again, that he makes me physically ill. Now I have no money, because he has not been helping. My friends said “start a Go Fund Me account.” I did that on Wednesday morning. I enclosed the note I got from him. I made it public so he could see it on my Facebook page and all his friends could too. (Her too, hopefully). Within 10 hours, I had $1,500.00 (more than enough for my divorce) and a party we’re going to have afterwards. I am walking away from this man and never turning back. I feel better than I have in years. The sky is bluer, the grass is greener, food tastes better!! I know there will be highs and lows in the months to come, but I am on my way. I have spent a lot of time on this site and I want to thank you for your invaluable information on these soul sucking bastards. I’m on my way.

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

    Hi Katie, I’m just seeing this comment you left a few months ago. I hope my reply finds you moving forward and healing. Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad your FundMe campaign went as well as it did, and I hope you continue to experience success on your healing journey.

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Alison January 13, 2015

I have been in a pychologically abusive relationship with my ex bf for the past 12+ years and have in the interim, gone back and forth, more than one can imagine. Let me assure you, that through the years, the abuse and treatment gets WORSE and more intolerable, however, I was too broken in self-esteem, confidence, and a lost of self identity to realize the truth. Initially, I thought it was a match in heaven, then, shortly after, it was about his control; my needing to be available at his beck and call, calling me 10 times in a row if I am not home, and my daughter had to answer the phone, answering my cell by the first ring, otherwise, he would rage and swear and be accussatory, giving up my friends, not being able to even talk with a male friend and my life evolve totally around him. We broke up for awhile, but saw each other. He would ask me out, but tell his friends that I was initiating calls to him because I was lonely so he felt sorry for me and took me out. He would try to pursue other women, but made me believe otherwise. I believed him. We went back and all the things he did before, he stopped, so I thought he changed. I was totally wrong! He used other tactics, more emotionally devastating and cruel. He began to fault me for everything, kept a calendar when I complained (I asked him to say ‘Please’ instead of commanding me to do things; just trying to voice my opinions or concerns) but if if it didn’t align with his thinking, he was outraged and had to punish me with the silent treatment, angry looks, avoidance, hurtful remarks. He was charming in the public, but at home, behind closed doors, he was wicked, mean and devastatingly hurtful. He played mind games with me and contradicted what he would say, and was very secretive about himself. His punishment would get worse and for an extended amount of time. Who does these things? He couldn’t express any of his feelings, was addicted to the computer until 2am daily, and told insignificant lies, when it was not even logical to do so. His actions and behavior was so inhumane. I was so scared of him; he seemed so unapproachable, looking mad all the time that I was walking on eggshells. Just to ask a question, sometimes, it took me a couple of weeks to think, how will I approach him and I had to chose and pick my words. I feel in such a depression that I became almost suicidal because he would tell me, if only I did this or didn’t do this to get him so angry. He would buy me a gift, then later find reasons to demand the gift back because I wasn’t deserving of the gift, which made my cry. He demanded me to say sorry, whether I was right or wrong. I couldn’t even close the door to the bedroom, otherwise, he would get mad. His final discard was so brutal that it left me shell shocked. He didn’t speak to me for months, avoided me at all cost, and for a split second, he did something somewhat cordial, which I thought, the relationship was getting better. But, he would revert back to his seemingly cruel ways. I was so miserable, that I mustered some strength to get out, since he told me ‘I want you out and you just won’t leave.’ You see, he’s kicked me out of his house so many times, that it became a normalcy and then he would say I got him so mad, that I made him say these things. When I told him I left because he told me to get out, he said ‘I never said that. It was your choice to leave, so now, we’re done. I don’t want to live with you anymore; I’m breaking up.’ I read about narcissism and finally realised, it’s not my fault and learned of his flawed and devious characteristics. It’s still a struggle, as I try to rebuild my self esteem and worth and indentity. He, on the other hand, has been on the prowl to find another woman, and have been seen with other women and out and about, seemingly happy.

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The broken hearted January 13, 2015

I left my boyfriend of 4 years on the 2nd of January. He’s always been a guy to fool around with no strings attached, drink, and hang out with friends.

Almost two years ago we had a son together. Our first child. Things finally got better when I became pregnant. He started to turn his life around. Of course before becoming a mother, I had a petite body, I had clear skin long hair and curves. After my son I chopped my hair off to my shoulders, gained a couple pounds, and had tummy stretch marks.

We used to diet and exercise together. I was going to school and working, he was just working. Then he eventually wanted to start going out again, drinking, not being home till 3am while I’m at home with baby.

We always fought because I was sick of him thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. Finally I decided I’d accept him going out that at least he comes home to me. Once I gave him that space, he cheated on me with a girl he knew I didn’t get along with (Novemeber 2014). I forgave him and stuck around. Through the name calling, physical abuse, and put downs. Eventually, I had assumptions again that he was cheating. Turns out, it’s with a girl we work with who again both her and I don’t get along (December 2014). He kept denying it but my friend from work kept telling me just a couple days ago that he’s sorry for not telling me, I just looked so happy with him so he didn’t want to be the one to hurt me by telling the truth of him cheating on my days off.

Well now, then two are hanging out, taking pictures and posting them online, and although I should just move on, even though I can’t cut off all contact for the sake of our son, but I feel like he yes sees meal ticket but he just sees it as a way to really get under my skin for dumping him. I mean he doesn’t even show he cares that we aren’t together. It’s almost like he’s so happy and that kills me. I’m also afraid to see him in love and happy with another woman. I feel lost and I’m already begging for his “love” again ??

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    Kim Saeed January 13, 2015

    Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out.

    While I don’t know all the details of you or your ex, typically when this happens, one’s fear of abandonment has been triggered and their inner child rises to the surface. It’s possible that you are craving validation, love, acceptance, and approval, but you won’t get those things from him.

    You did the right thing in dumping him. In fact, you are leagues above him. The best thing to do is delete him from any online social media accounts you have so you won’t see the pics. Most of his online activity is, in fact, designed just for you. Take that power away from him by deleting him.

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Shawn January 11, 2015

Thank you for this post. I was a transitional target, which is just unbelievably painful. Its taken me so long to get perspective. He got me to break up with him and then he blocked me on everything. I found out that after a few months we have the capacity to block people on social media who have us blocked. So when his new supply ended he couldn’t come back. I’m glad as hell I did that. I know what he is, but I also know that I loved him. The illusion he fabricated had me wrapped. He can never be allowed in my life in any way, shape or form again. The hardest part is the number of friends, or so-called friends, I lost because of his abuse. I am truly amazed at how people don’t care, don’t want to hear it, and will turn their back on a victim. I hope the one thing I take away from this is that if someone reaches out for help, that I will reach back and help them. No one deserves to have to try and walk through this alone. Thank you for being one who reaches out to help people.

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    ohhihello January 11, 2015

    Shawn, again, your words resonate so much for me. As if the pain of being discarded and realizing what your “relationship” really was, the loss of so many friends, which I, too, have experienced, feels like the psychopath’s “gift that keeps on giving”, or the wound that keeps on cutting. Losing so many friends whom I introduced him to! because of the triangulation and smear campaign is one of the worst pains to endure. It’s as if the world has conspired against us to keep us isolated and unhappy. I’m so sorry that you’re enduring it, too. My heart truly goes out to you, as with all survivors.

    Reply
      Shawn January 11, 2015

      ohhihello – thank you for your reply. You are exactly right. The “gift.” Thank goodness we are strong and are focused on healing. One day, we will have our lives back and, I pray, not think about them anymore.

      Reply
BJarnes January 11, 2015

Reblogged this on My Blackhole and commented:
This post has really helped me as I can relate to every single word. Every woman (or man) dealing with a narcissistic ex should follow Kim Saeed. Recovering from abuse seems to be a daily trial for me, and as I lapsed today – I turned to her blog for support. Be reassured that it’s not you, and the new supply he cheated on you with – will not last.

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    Kim Saeed January 12, 2015

    Thank you so much for reading my blog and for sharing. It’s truly an honor!

    Reply
BJarnes January 11, 2015

I keep rereading your blogs, because they are so helpful to know other people are going through a similar thing. And I can relate to all your posts so much. Thank you for helping so many people when they are going through a really rough time. If anyone else is like me – it really feels like you hit rock bottom, and your spirit is destroyed (not just your heart.) Still really hurting about an ex-boyfriend who cheated, was verbally and finally physically abusive. He definitely fits the Narc traits and is a total charmer. I can’t believe I love him still, but I do. I wish I could stop feeling loyal somehow. I need to not look on social media, because I saw photos of him being happy with someone he cheated on me with. Broke my heart. He’s a big community leader and volunteer so it’s not like he’s a shmuck. Just to me. 🙁

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    ohhihello January 11, 2015

    BJarnes I feel so much of what you’re feeling. I’m so sorry that you endured physical abuse on top of all of the rest. At least you’re physically safe now. I was very good about being fully no contact, including no social media, but slipped up and am paying the price for it, as I literally felt a tight grab in my chest seeing the endless pictures of them together, when there had only ever been one of us together. Of all the places he takes her to, the endless adorable posting they do back and forth, which he never did with me, how to everyone, he is THE best man in the world and all of her friends keep wishing that he could be cloned because he’s so incredibly wonderful. How people who used to be my friends chose him over friendship with me, and whom I can’t share things with anymore. Like you, I don’t see how this monster, like yours, who enjoyed the emotional and psychological abuse thrown at me every single day. can appear to the world and his current obsession as so damn perfect. Because he does. They’ve been together over a year and it seems the mask hasn’t slipped. And may never?

    I did notice, though, that he’s already started to focus on two other probably side targets, paying very specific attention to them, fluffling them up for future use, if not already doing so. It’s as though this is my only solace in knowing what he is, to see this. Otherwise I’m left feeling that I was the problem all along; I was the failure, I was a disappointment for this oh-so-perfect man.

    I need to get away from social media altogether. This is tearing me up.

    Reply
      Lou January 11, 2015

      I have recently gone through a very similar thing myself! My ex and I split 18 mths ago! I endured physical, emotional, mental abuse! He had lots of ex GF he was in touch with as well as others!
      He moved his new victim in 9 mths after we split! As we have 2 kids I can’t have full NC! He drummed into my daughter head his new victims name and I foolishly looked her up on FB. I was gutted seeing pictures of her draped all over him! We never had any pics together! There was even pics of them at the same place he took me on our first time away! I have to listen to how lovely she is and all the plans he has to marry her etc! I could not eat for weeks or sleep, I felt like crap on his shoe even though I’d dumped him!
      But I kept reading and have only just begun to feel better! I don’t know why but the way I see it the REALITY is HE IS A ABUSER and is capable of deceiving and hurting people in the most awful cowardly ways! It’s his pathology, the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour! She only has what I didn’t want and am now glad to be rid off! You deserve to be happy and that what love is supposed to make us feel!
      Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve, it’s took me 18 mths to feel slightly Human again! You will too

      Reply
sothisisholland January 10, 2015

I am having trouble moving past how he made me feel about myself.

I’ve been casually seeing a younger guy who is gorgeous. Sweet, has a lot going for him, and this time last year, I’d have laughed if someone told me this guy would even look at me more than two secs. Every time this guy is coming to spend time with me, I am criticizing myself and thinking that this will be the time when he sees that I am really not good enough for him. I haven’t told him this, but if I even hint that I think it, he’s like “you’re goofy, you’re so pretty and a great mom, what are you talking about?”

I know I need to stop and realize that if this guy wasn’t attracted to me, he wouldn’t want to be with me. But I cannot stop thinking that I am not good enough because I didn’t want to live at the gym, etc etc etc. And that he just hasn’t looked at me closely enough yet.

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Vonnie Marine Knox January 9, 2015

I’m in a very bad spot with 2 children at home a son 11 years of age and a daughter who is 9 years of age.
I’m so scared of the things I’ve seen my husband do to others including our children and myself …its the most brutal form of abuse I’ve felt I was raped and held captive at gun or knife point ,physically beaten at times and shot at I couldn’t even put these experiences in the same category as the narcissistic abuse I’m currently living with.
I have managed to not be a hstfull little person or someone who wants others to hurt because I have, this has tested my faith and at times questioned my God. All of my family have left my children and i alone choosing to take his side …my children are so afraid of him they won’t say a word ……help

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    Kim Saeed January 18, 2015

    Vonnie, I would advise you to contact the nearest Domestic Violence center and devise an exit plan. Here is a link to help you get started: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/18/leaving-an-abusive-relationship_n_5840504.html

    Most Domestic Violence centers should be able to provide you with transitional housing until you can get on your feet. Find the number for the center in your area, tell them your situation, and ask them to help you with leaving. They may also help you arrange a police escort, if necessary, if you fear for your safety.

    I would also recommend that you ask them if there are any resources for therapy. You and your children will need it.

    I hope you will follow my advise. This is really the only hope you have for escaping your situation.

    Reply
justnothappy January 8, 2015

hi i just wanted to share my story. I have been in a 13 year relationship. He was 19 and i was 22 when we started dating. He has help me raise my sister and brother, we have a nice home that we where buying that only has my name on it! He seemed to be the prefect man for me. untill I found out tht he nolonger wants to be in a relationship. He has been talking to a ton of women everyday! one of them he talks to 5xs a day for hours. I Have tried to talk to him he only want to play me off i told him to get out 3 weeks ago. He will not come and get his clothes. He also paid the mortgage for the the month of Jan. 2015. so now im not understanding what this is. He clearly has other places he can spend the night at. the funny thing is one of the other women have called me and played on my phone. I called him and asked him y was some girl calling me he said he didnt know what i was talking about and tht he misses me and can he come home! I told him no but he can come and get his items and he just hangs up the phone and will text and says he loves me and misses me!! Im so lost PLEASE HELP ME!!!

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    Kim Saeed January 12, 2015

    Justnothappy, these are all very common behaviors of a Narcissist.

    Regarding his clothes, you’d be better off to pack them up in a plastic tub that can be sealed and deliver them to where he is staying, or leave them on your porch or in your garage and tell him to pick them up (preferably when you won’t be home). They are notorious for leaving their stuff at an Ex’s house so they can have an excuse to come back over.

    He paid the Jan mortgage in order to make you feel guilty and obligated. I assume you normally pay it?

    He clearly has no plans for being faithful. He is simply trying to keep you in queue. Don’t mistake this to mean that’s what you deserve. You deserve much better, and it would be in your best interest to maintain No Contact…and block him from being able to call you.

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Tricia January 8, 2015

Dear, dear Kaylie, how I feel for you. Your heartfelt posts made me weep.
I have been there – twice – with the same toxic narcissist, with a 30 year gap!!! The second time, after not seeing or hearing from him for over 30 years, was even worse than the first, when I was 22.

I wrote about it earlier (Dec 6). He is now with my ‘best’ friend. Still. As far as I know. But I don’t want to know. It comes into my mind now and then. I just shake my head and feel so sorry for them. I often want to contact my ‘friend’ to warn her. It won’t do any good, I know. She must learn this lesson herself.
Because it IS a lesson we must learn. We have to change our mindset. It is difficult after a lifetime of repeated patterns but it is possible and if we don’t do it now, it will repeat…and repeat…

Going ‘cold turkey’ is the only place to start. (I gave up smoking 32 years ago and this was the only way to do it! It worked. Even now I still get a faint nostalgia if I smell someone lighting up. If I succumbed, I’d be hooked again). NC. NC. NC….!!!!

You do not need anyone to affirm your ability to love. You have done it! With each Narcissist. That’s why you are suffering now. You were so good at giving unconditional love they simply wallowed in it. But, it takes 2. Once you realised there was no reciprocal feelings (and we do feel it, even if it’s sub-consciously), the common response is to try to grab it back, becoming a ‘needy’ and ‘clingy’ personality….something that can seem so alien to us ‘balanced’ souls!!! We can hate ourselves for it. But N’s hate it even more. Can’t cope with it. It means ‘commitment, empathy, talking, understanding’…everything they have no capacity for in their stunted emotional selves. So the cycle goes on.

We should never have to have someone else give us permission to accept and love ourselves. N’s hate themselves deep down because they don’t know real love. We want to ‘help’ them to discover it within themselves. We believe we can sift through the layers of their souls and find that basic emotion. Sadly, we can’t. It is sites like this that confirm that over and over. Even psychologists often can’t.

It has been said by many others, but I will say it again, fill your life with good things. You have work. Be with the right friends. Learn new things. Go for walks in the country. Walk barefoot! Learn to say No to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. Build boundaries with people….(not brick walls!)…but decide what you can/can’t tolerate. Above all try to be positive in your thinking. Small steps. Each day. Remember what you have, not what you don’t have.

Yesterday, someone said ‘If you were given loads of money would you change your friends, family, hobbies…etc.?’ No. Perhaps house, car but not those important, life-affirming experiences….and certainly not my dog!!! He is my very best friend!

In a few months time you will be so thankful to be out of his life. Forever.

By working on yourself, you will attract like-minded people into your life. People who make you happy because you make them happy. I have my own business and sometimes get panicked about where the next order will come from! (Common amongst us self-employed!). But my experience and mantra is ‘Do something. Anything. Positively’. I push….something…and that door doesn’t open…I try something else….no result….then…a new door that I never saw…suddenly opens….and orders from an unknown source come along! Back in business!!

Same in everyday life. I promise. It can just be a stranger you fall into conversation with…..an article you read by chance….I don’t believe in ‘co-incidence’, I think these things happen for a reason! Because you want them to.

Love and hugs to you, Tricia.

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Kaylee January 7, 2015

Hello Kim, interesting Blog congrats! and very helpful

I wrote another comment but didnt got here…

I need help. Im in the middle break down. Long story short similar with others here… Me ditched like never existed, new Target supply…all over social media…but this is not the only part..she seems like Psychopath herself. and he seems very much “in love…

It breaks me down because December used to mean something to “Us” if there ever was US you know… best and worst moments..had with him were in December

I was Idealised , triangulated with another girl, on again off again, was with her then I decided to call it off even deactivated my FB. Of course tremendous guilt. Found out about Narcisism…. knew before, cause I was exposed long time before to those in my family to PDisorderes enough!

Thats why I think I chose HIM…if I made him to love me…it was like great challenge ultimate desire of Child of Narcisists you know? the fairy tale…… deep seated desires of inner child..to be loved by the Unlovable..aggressive ill tempered

Thing is, I think it finnally sinked into me…especially in my heart (though I think I dont know if I have one left in me after so many blows…. My own mother is Narcisist has more than tendencies…aggressivity abuse all checked. But I firmly believe that my Father is Cover Psychopath….not so extrovert as her rather covert, but with lot of dysfunctional

Anyway…after long years of back and forth…I thought he was my “soulmate” bhahaha what joke…he destroyed so much of me I cant even…Idealise , then turn tables, then stupid, ugly handicapped, then replaced completely. ditched

Of course YOU LOSE YOUR MIND!

You feel so lonely in the process of recovery, and many reach all sorts of phases…. because NPD is still such misunderstood concet and Psychopaths are SO good at pretending that they are good “intended” people..that they charm a lot of people experts judges.. But I KNOW…HE KNOWS THAT I KNOW..

And he is such Sadist… mind games cant even imagine… evrything I wanted now gives to another like “she” is the ultimate queen…when in fact she nothing of that, just another someone…Actress in his Movie..or her own crazy movie XD lol

Yeah… I really need help this time. Ive had episodes when broke me down , but now…I admit it was all my fault because I went back to check on him, old stuff and profiles… and got very hurt, bruised. and angry..just starting with angry but honestly Im fabulous mess..

I loved him so much…gave him so much…and that is the way you treat someone? EVEN IF you never loved or respectedbut who DOES THAT?? Except malignant Narc Psychopath ?? of course

It got point where he treated me so so bad…. but got me so dependent and broken that I could not be without him, like an addiction. But still LOOK, I broke free…I got 2 jobs, friends…had no reason to go back to the insanity.

Except that I was triggered, you know holidays..December that meant a lot to me.. not him seems. Because actually we were in “relationship” with our own idealised Version Perfect Man…they were never THAT man…just mirrored US

But he seems pretty struck by that girl… and it kills me that he could and can treat me so cold ,like a Terrorist! When all I did was love him, more than myself…more than anyone really in life…and he took everything and left me for…2 dollar Pornstar? chick really?? such an idiot XD

Do you know or have any tips on how can I deal with this…to get out of this state sooner? I used to do sports but lately I kinda didnt… some program, Meditation anything… a support group would be great!

Will read more of your blog!

Thanks for reading! help,

Kaylie..

I am tired of hurting myself and I dont wanna hurt myself ..worse this time because of him much worse.. because I feel this phase wont lead me well so thats why I reach out to you in hopes that maybe

I feel like such an Insane person, I know its just a phase but its unbelivable how much it can get to you…. and its obvious why….when you love you are VULNERABLE something that is very FAR away from the Ass*oles Narcisists because Intimacy scares them!

Are the ultimate obsolete Cowards…. they would rather push frustrations Anger Hate onto YOU (consciously!) than look inside…. and I still ask if they are capable of love?? who is capable of real love and could behave like this ?

Never been on Meds but I feel I would need them now. if you have any advice Id gladlly read it! Thanks!

I want to get better and heal for good…from Narcisism toxicity…a lifetime Im getting tired and weak with my health.

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Kaylie January 7, 2015

Hy Kim and Congratulations for your blog!

It is resourcefull site and very very useful. Bumped into it while searching (again) for reasons why …. did I had to endure crap all my life from As*holes and Narcisists

Ive been “officially” discarded like almost 2 years ago, but it wasnt full NC … but almost. Im not even sure I should call it relationship, because that happens between 2 people, and what happened with Me and N was very one sided, so you might as well say you were “relationship” but all by yourself. it feel more accurate

I like that in this post you dont refer to us just as Victims, or dumb vulnerable Victims exposed to this and that….NO we are not that…we are Strong Empathic Intelligent creatures… funny how many have lots of degrees, or have normal families (some) in my case I had some history with PDisordered early, so I was arleady exposed to that.

Long story short…. I found this in the middle of break-down.. because as I said I was thrown away like toilet paper and never heard from him, unless I was the one making Contact…so after years on off, explanation was probably “Bored as in lot cases….but aside from that, he seems to have found”long looked for love of his life” so I was discarded and forgotten. How nice, right?

Anyway hes not new to this, history of cases like these… triangulation alll symptoms, putting you PTSD cause thats what I think Im going through right now..back and forths, games , turning the tables whenever it suits him to feel “in control”…Abuse his favorite part…. and finnally the silent treatment

Lovely. I went strong 2014, and last year after the discard..it wasnt the first time but things got worse and worse. I completely turned my Life around though after periods deep Mind F…and depression and all the lovely stuf, anger and all sorts. I became a pretty hard to stand person for people around me, but in the same time much much Stronger and ..did not take anyones sh*t anymore

I met along my journey lot of great great people that shaped me, helped me and gave me Confidence… to whom I feel very grateful <3 … and I hope that they will stay also in my future

Thing is …one of biggest Mind F that He applied to me was in December…and also then we had some great stuff Memories …you know they have pleasure mixing Good and Bad to F U in the head even more cause they are "Invincible" can do anything while we are inferior suckers who just happen to love them. Right? 😀 right

And I was busy busy 2014.. I had a LOT glorious great moments and periods…I plan to make them again. but you know the saying when things go too Ok, I gotta ruin them!

And that s what I did!

I forgot to tell, I am (almost) Adult Child Survivor of Narcisistic Family… not all of them but most of them have traits…pretty difficult people to stay in Contact with without getting an Insult in conversation, or be made to feel "stupid worthless or inferior.

I kept long periods of being NC with them…I tried very very Hard there were periods when I thought I wasnt gonna make it…I had SOO much edge in my life and Ive been and seen TOO much ..dysfunctional , but I did not let that…take me underground neither THEIR ugly destroy me…completely.

But there are times like these when ..I feel I cant make it anymore on my own, that is the reason I reached out here. do you have or know any support groups? I used to be member of some but I lost touch and here I am again… 😀

Coming back to why am I here… I was discarded and it hurt me lot, but beyond that…his cruelty sadism. and the fact that can treat people like objects thrown away like never existed :|… and that is NOT all

The girl he replaced me with..Im guessing shes another Psychopath Narc… and you know the story all over social media, they have picture perfect" thing but I KNOW much of is fake, because they live for appearance do they?

I dont know…. if you can answer me give me your opinion on what could help me out of my state… would appreciate very much

Thing is, I knew what it was, how he is and its my fault because I looked on the old profiles..but its the same story "everything I wanted he gives to HER and treats her like Queen while seems to completely forgot that I exist… and this got to me especially since December was so important to "us" right)…. and I fell again

even though I had no reason , I have 2 jobs was going very very well on all plans..even too well. But there were triggers and I am human …and often forget that he is NOT..

Thanks for reading!

Kaylie

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Jana December 30, 2014

I am so needing validation right now. Please help me!! The man I was seeing left me..after 4.5 years, to go back to his ex wife # 3. He had been living with ex wife # 2 until late Sept. when he finally left her, moved to another state to live with his brother and his family. During this time, he called me constantly, he began drinking again and was calling me drunk, professing his love for me and we began to make plans. I was going to join him after the first of the year. One night in late Oct. he called me drunk outta his mind and crying and yelling and just uncontrollable. We talked for about 30 mins..he sang our song to me, said he loved me like crazy and couldn’t wait for us to be together. This was on a Wednesday night. I got one text later that night that said only..”F***kin cry babies!” I assumed he and his brother had gotten into an argument. And waited till morning to text back….I texted all day, called all day..and nothing..not one word from him. Finally on Friday morning, he texted to tell me he had left his brothers and was now with his 3rd ex wife and was going to stay with her. I called him and he would not answer the calls, he kept texting telling me to quit trying his mind was made up, but that when he said he loved me he meant it. All in the world I can surmise from this is that he needed a place to go…so he conned her. He treated her so badly (I have since learned) during their 4 year relationship and 5 month marriage. Why in the world she took him back is beyond me. They have been divorced 6 years….after their divorce he did go back to the 2nd ex wife for the six years, tried to commit suicide by hanging and a lot of other stuff. Please tell me that I am right in knowing..in time he will do to her again what he did before? I want to know that I am right about what a loser he is…I truly don’t wish any harm to this woman. I think he has strung her along all these years.. She is the one who kicked him out before and divorced him. Am I just being weird here..or is there something to my assumption’s??? Thank you! P.S. I haven’t spoken one word to him since he did this….I put NC into place right then.

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Anonymous December 29, 2014

I need help.. I’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for the past year. I;m only 20 years old, he’s 4 years my senior. When we first got together, I thought we were going to be perfect. He was nice and sweet and attentive but I began seeing some warning signs. He’d say things to me like “just completely let go and just fall for me with everything you have” and “I feel like I’m in competition with your mom”
As time went on, things only got worse.. he demeaned me, made fun of really personal things I opened up to him about, and just generally would disregard my feelings when I told him how upset or sad I was over thinking. He’d either accuse me of overreacting or get mad and yell at me. One particular ex kept coming up as well, and it’s an ex that would contact him to try and see him and go out with him. Every time I confronted him about certain situations, evidence would disappear and I would feel crazy.
Now, it’s worse than ever. He makes me feel terrible about myself and I cry constantly, but I’m always the one apologizing. Just recently he liked pics of his ex after I told him how it made me feel, and it’s been a 3 day fight. I have no idea if he’s seeing/talking to this girl or not (part of me has no doubt he is for some other type of affirmation) but it’s killing me inside. It’s making me feel like I’m not enough, or good enough, or worthy enough and I know he won’t stop contacting her.
I have no idea how to get away. I’ve tried a few times and was pretty confident in doing so, but each time, I went back to him. he treats me like a door mat and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m finding myself more and more on edge and I feel constantly angry and annoyed and mad at everything and everyone EXCEPT him.
I really don’t know how to get out of this. I have no friends and don’t do much except go to the gym, go to work, and go home unless I’m seeing josh. I feel like I’m damned if I do, and completely alone if I don’t.

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Kyla December 24, 2014

Thank you so much! My “boyfriend” up and changed his number one day. No explanation. Nothing. He was married/separated. It hurt like hell. Couldn’t breathe. Eat. Work…
A month exactly after he cut off contact he messaged me. I told him he broke my heart. His response, “I broke my own into pieces.” Being very evasive. Didn’t answer any of my questions. I knew then he was someone I should stay far away from.
I had no idea he was this person. He is back w his wife. I’m certain. Why does she stay w him? She knew about me. I think she suggested he change his # so they could work on their marriage.
A piece of me wants this hurt to go away and be back w him, but I just can’t go through all that again. “Supply” and demand… Lol at least I can joke about it. Thanks again!

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wilderbeast December 23, 2014

Hi I read a lot and all the stories I read hit everything dead on please if anyone can give me words of hope.. my story has a lot of twist met a man online the beginning friends he was six year younger then me after we started having sex he was always coming bye we smoke pot laughed watch movies I went away to visit family he was to watch my cat that when it started I came home and busted him calling a girl who said she was his girlfriend she told me he said I was his drug dealer and I was in shock I had just gotten out of rehab and back in school and I was a dominated for work so but am a empath this horror has changed my life I can’t even get into details so I’ll make a list of damage he has done to me …..now I a, scared for my life I am very depressed and if he comes back again well I can’t take it from the start I catch him and he beat me up beat me till I was hospitalized on several o casinos he also changes his number has secret apartments and cheats openly when I tried to break it off I a very pretty I can have any man I want we never kissed he said he didn’t like kissing and made me feel ashamed that I was only good enough for oral sex and that was only Ora
Sex with him never gave me oral sex and also forced me into giving him anal sex in the begging in he was double dosing me on my PhD c med at one incident I woke up naked and my hole body destroyed had to have stitches in my rectum when I woke his phone was disconnected he robbed some cash police didn’t find him and I was starting to feel like it was my fault cause I drank with him before the incident months later he came back said he loved me and at this point I was hooked bad I was abused as a child and after a lot of therapy threw the years of him coming in and out my life as I rite this I miss him but realize I miss someone he created the person I love never existed just like I i
did not exist in his world he new my family lived with me on and go and in ten years I never met his family his mother hated me because I told her exactly what he was doing I didn’t except we fought broke my nose end result he went to rehab I went and he got to follow his dream for his career as a sailor how convent fo a sosipsth I never would
do of dreamt I be abused
Ike this and love it between him coming in and out my life and hurting me over and over again he new I was not a well girl I was sensitive treated him like a god we never had a reason to fight except for his devious ways. So here is a list of things that I am ashamed of I truly thought I could help him we I help a lot of people on the Internet and started a you tube with my stories because every time he abused me I was alone like a dog waiting till he came back from day one I was a victu, lost friends and family and I was ever tial isolating because of the pain he case me so threw the years I have slit my wrist several tie and also overdoses on Xanax and they revived me and I kept taking him back he had a hold in me and mean while no kissing no oral ad only from behind I was a dominated but for money not my lifestyle I felt I deserve the abuse and I was so in love I do anything to please him
Always money missing
left while I slept after sex
Claim he had no phone
Had sex with my fieemds
Stolen my car
Date rape
Drugged me
Lost all my friends
took ,me for my saving and his family was wealthy
Ten years never met family and very few remiss
Helped him threw college
Broke my nose pinky and rib
Broke into my home
Wrecked my cars
Stood me up
Hurt me so he cane see me hurt and he can stop the blood
The list can on forever I’m ashamed this man is a genius and the scariest predator 8 even seen I’m scared and want to feel again vi want to be kissed please reply I am isolating my therapist died and I just need closure I can’t sleep r eat I’m fed up i doc want him to come home and act normal but facts are he has no feel and facts are I was good to him all I don’t WA give give give give her am 34 tens years invested ĺ

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Liz December 22, 2014

Kim, this is exactly where I am right at this very moment.
I didn’t realise he was a narcisisst until after we split and my friend pointed out she had been watching for 3 years..
Now I read as much as I can and he is extreme.. The cruelty of his words and actions.. He has spent the last 7 weeks (since the split- I found messages from the other woman) telling me I’m the one but he can’t handle my daughter so the other woman is an easier option for him. He doesn’t want to be alone but he loves me so much.. He met her 8 weeks ago, she is now the 6th woman I know of, (ridiculous I know) so I left, he is now saying they were just friends and it only became more because I left him.. I broke his heart when I walked out and she was there for support.. She believes this too, I have tried talkig to her..
I look at this woman who is a prominent business woman in the industry I (used to) work in (I was fired after one of his outbursts in my workplace) and she is head over heels for him. I have tried to tell her what he’s been saying to me and he has convinced her I’m nuts..
It is so hard to talk about him as this horrible narcissist man when there were times he was truly beautiful to me..
I think a part of me is still believing he loves me and is hoping for more contact but I also know I have to cut ties at some point to truly heal..
I am feeling stuck, useless, and foolish..
I truly believe he loves (I guess loved) me and I can’t let go.. But I do not want to be the other woman..
My greatest fear, is that after all I have done for him (EVERYTHING imaginable) that she will get the happy ever after I dreamed of with him..
I had to have our house perfect 24/7 and now he says I couldn’t even get that right, I worked full time and even then would spend half of my day chasing up things he needed like arguing with phone companies or insurance brokers, demanding car services beyond the expectations if normality.. But I did it all lovingly, and just believed he was too insecure or unsure how to do it himself..
Will he change for her, will he become the great man I believed he would be for me, for her??
My failure is crippling me..
Any thoughts or direction is greatly appreciated… L.

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Alegna December 18, 2014

First of all thanx so much Kim for this amazingly inspiring blog.
My narc ex left me earlier this year. He simply packed up and moved out and I was left staying alone in his apartment. Soon after he started threatening me to move out or he will call the police( I was not helping with the rent as I was unemployed)
I knew he was messing around with other women right from the beginning of our relationship, I found evidence on his laptop and iPhone. He admitted once to sleeping with a hooker. I knw there were more. His job required him to travel often so he would be away from hom up to a month at the most. I also found out that he even messed around with a lady boy on one of his business trips to bangkok. Worst thing is I joined him there for a few week then had to fly back home, he stayed on for a few weeks longer. It was in this time he messed around more with hookers and ladyboys. My birthday was also around that time and all I got was a sloppy msg on skype, happy birthday, I wish things could go back to the way they were before. Of course he was talking about the love bombing phase. When he returned from Bangkok he had a guilty look on his face. He would not even have intercourse with me. That’s when I waited for him to sleep and search through his iPhone. I found msgs between him and the bangkok lady boy hooker as well as pics. I for sure know it was a lady boy as I spent enough time out there to know what they look like. In the msgs he spoke about they can sleep late on Sunday cos he has no work and the lady boy answers back they will be having intercourse all day. I hope and pray to the universe to punish this filthy dirty dog and hope his balls turn green and fall off.

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    wilderbeast December 23, 2014

    Hi I feel your pain I been a binder to several times maybe he’ll come back maybe he won’t I’m ten years in taken for my saving suicidal over the pain last I seen of my attacker was in the summer he went on a boat for school for the summer writ me everyday life when he was away thus last time felt ok new he was on a boat and couldn’t be line thought he changed and wanted to be a good man but truth is it was a lie for ten years he abandon me and came back and I took him back he ruined my life lost everyone in it so the comes home after a summer gone for a week in summer I didn’t right I was raped and stabbed while ridding my bike I didn’t want to tell him I was in shock and ashamed well I did write and tell him and he was cold and said to me good luck in witness protection then he cam back arrived at my door acted nice to grt me to have sex then went to sleep in the HD forced me to have sex and it was scary after being raped I didn’t want that sexual abuse anymore from him I was a changed person and thank god for the better after he forced me and I cried he said I was a shore and good for nothing and he never spoke he just did I was so hurt a few weeks later I was out st store came home and my house was robbed I called to tell him he didn’t reply I told cops I’m sure it was him it wasn’t your typical Rober ty need less say too days after I was robbed his phone was divine etc ed and I have herd from his since I am in pain and shock thank you for sharing and thank you for reading mine stay strong it’s not our fault at least now we no we are not alone xoxo

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    wilderbeast December 23, 2014

    Please read my story thanks for sharing and you are not alone I can’t belive I lived threw this f ml

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    wilderbeast December 23, 2014

    My birthday was forgotten ten ye you years in a row

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    Denise May 20, 2015

    OMG I have been involved with a narcissist for about 1 year now. And I have actually been pushed back to what I call “Dingbat 3”. When we first got involved, I was worried about being on the end of a rebound thing. Whenever his girlfriend of 7 years would call or come over, we had to keep it secret about us. I asked him several times did he have hopes of getting back with her. I saw no other reason he didn’t want her to know. He always denied it and would always tell me all the bad stuff that happened in their relationship and how he wouldn’t even consider a reunion. Yet she kept popping up or out of nowhere, He would take off and go see her. I knew it was wrong but he always managed to say the right thing and I’d be there to pick up the pieces. By the way his ex I call Dingbat 1. Now in the meantime, which to my defense, I didn’t know about at the time, he was 3 timing me with the woman across the street Who knew about me but was being brainwashed by him about all kinds of lies about me. When i suspected he was sleeping with her, he would vehemately tell me why she wasn’t his type and all that was bad about her. Long story short, I became his supply whenever he had a fight with her. She moved up into my spot and became Dingbat 2, leaving me #3. Finally after a lot of reading and research, I texted him telling him to let Dingbat 1 go and focus on Dingbat 2, and that I was no longer interested in keeping his triangle of love open with me in it. I know I did the right thing about finally have had enough, the thing is I have a feeling SHE Dingbat 2 is ALSO a narc. So my telling her about him would be useless. Still struggling because he is still pursuing me.

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Addy December 18, 2014

This is all true. My sociopathic ex was grooming his new supply before the final death blow to my ego, making sure I was left in fetal position in the corner. He disappeared then reappeared a few months later with a boo hoo story just to see if I would bite…and I did..he got what he wanted then he devalued and disappeared…again…repeatedly.. Until one day I said I had enough and not sure what allowed me to finally open my eyes to his game. I’m sure when he tried to come back it was a triangulation with the other woman. I’m not sure. Now he’s all blocked and I hope he never enters my life again. Theres hope for those who think the vicious circle will never end.

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connie December 18, 2014

You have many responses and that is really sad so many of us have to go through this abuse. You probably wont get a chance to read mine. I will write as if writing to myself. Classic: sweeping me off my feet relationship while he was separated from “abusive” wife with 3 kids. He played the victim: ex wife abused him and she denied him from his 3 kids that were his world. In A Nutshell: He convinced me , courts, & everyone that the Mother was Unfit. Got full custody of his three beautiful kids. When they cam to live with us he instantly dumped them into my lap. I supported all 4 of them financially emotionally, and physically. 13 years. Now I am 3 thousands miles away. I ran from him and left my/ his kids for my life. I had to file bankruptcy, leave my college and carrer dreams because I thought I met My SoulMate. He made so many broken promises of having children together but left me barren….a long story there,

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Christina December 16, 2014

Hello, I am 24 yrs old and a medical student. I feel pretty desperate to even write this but I am in such a need of advice and a helping hand. I met this “amazing guy” 11 months ago. He made ALL my dreams come true, my family kind of opposed since he didnt have an education and had a dead end job while I have so much going on for me. I feel for him because he just dug into my soul and made me believe he was the one. Words cannot describe how much love we had …in the beginning. After 5 months of him moving in with me after 2 months of knowing me, after 3 months he wanted to propose and have kids… After 5 months I had to leave for a new chapter in my life-Medical school..in Puerto Rico! My dream had come true, I was in a loving relationship and my dream career was at my fingertips. God had blessed me. We agreed on long distance because I did not feel it was right or fair for him to lose all his life for me and come to PR, he insisted but I thought we should have waited a little. This started the beginning of my hell. Any fight, any argument there was no apology. In the end I apologized. Any argument it ended up being my fault. I got him a good job with medical benefits, I got him a nice apartment, I helped him look for schools. I consider myself a good woman and someone who really gave 1000% to this individual. Long diatance meant that I treasured what we had even more and respected our realtionship. But the arguments were getting worse and worse and soon became abusive. He threatened he was going to kill himself, that he was going to burn all my stuff. he begged me over and over to get back with him and I did because I was in love. And now for 4 weeks finally the curse is over, the police are involved due to his verbal violence because I am afraid. But right now I am more destroyed because 4 weeks ago right before this all ended horribly because he does not know how to apologize i found out he was already messaging a girl, asking for her number…an 18 yr old, pierced, high school girl who lives in Staten Island. Not going to school, nothing. And I am literally sitting her broken hearted wondering WHAT THE HELL. I keep telling myself its not me, its him. But words cannot describe the pain… He had everything in me. And he was already going for another.. It just hurts so much to know that I was replaced like that when I am worth so much and love so purely….I just need someone to explain to me all this because its killing me inside. I am going to go see him this weekend since I land in the US and get all my belongings and I will be escorted by a police officer for safety…I wish I had the right thing to say when I walk out so I can at least have one final good say.

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    Christina, I realize what happened to you was very painful. You’ll need to go through the whole grieving process, but you’ll also want to participate in activities that will heal your subconscious mind because that’s where most of the psychological trauma and feelings of worthlessness lie. I would recommend starting out by exploring the suggestions under my “Tools for Healing” tab: http://letmereach.com/tools-for-healing/ Especially the guided meditations and Melanie’s NARP program (she offers a 30-day money back guarantee, so there’s nothing to lose).

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Anonymous December 15, 2014

great.dear kim,tnks 4 d advice.my x guy is realy d type u described.he fuckd me almst evryday wen we wr 2geda nt knwing dat he ws using me.nw he hs abandoned me and go 4 a new yr1 gurl in our school.am jst waiting 4 d day he wil cum bk pleading i wil show him am made of

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Julie December 14, 2014

It’s been 2 years since my ex and I broke up. I guess it isn’t a fairly original story…because you depicted it almost word for word. The only thing I i will say is I take responsibilty for my co-dependant behavior. He didn’t necesarily chip away at my self esteem, independence etc..I did a fine job of that all on my own! He just had an indifferent attitude that gave me the drive to continually prove my self worth to him. But like you said, after a while you become used up…and he moved on to someone else. I had all the thoughts you listed! She’s better than me for xyz reasons. I also helped him raise his daughter, so to actively stay in his life to continue seeing her…has felt self destructive in a way. But unfortunately, I haven’t been able to cut that one tie. She means the world to me and I couldn’t imagine hurting her. Regardless, the woman he’s with I remember feeling inferior to, I now feel sorry for. Even though she treats me like dirt herself, I know deep down shes going through the same thing I was. I let her and my ex own me for the longest time. Now I’m letting it all go with light and love. It seems like its heading in the direction of his girfriend cutting ties between the child and myself. I can always say I love her no matter what and hopefully we will see each other again one day. I also in spite of everything wish the woman in his life well too. I hope there is a day that comes where she’s in a good place herself. The more positive energy I let out, the more I feel free!

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    Julie, your outlook is very inspirational and exactly the kind of mindset that will lead you into true healing. Wishing you all the best <3

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munch December 11, 2014

I split from my ex after 26 years it was all my fault, his drinking, work and money issues, along with his having an affair. he moved out at the being of the year and he moved into a place with his new gf, it lasted no longer than 2 weeks. he broke down when she went and I felt sorry for him!! stupid I know, he called her all names etc, now I found out they are best friends again, I contacted her and let her no what he has said about her and I got the closure I was looking for.

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hopefull December 11, 2014

Hi,
It was a beautiful article. I really need some advice and guidance. I am sometimes a bit confused that whether or not i was married to a N or not or was i a useless person who quit the relationship and was not able to understand him.
I was married to this person for a period of about 1.5 years and was wooed into the relationship by him in which he made me feel very special and wanted. He was very attentive and behaved as if he really loved me. Even though there was a lot of times I felt that “something was wrong” i still went forward and got married to him after a period of 1 year. After marriage he changed quite a bit and i was more of a Nice trophy to be shown around rather that a human being. My feelings were worthless and i was supposed to live and emote as per his wish. He sometimes used to stop talking to me for weeks without any reason and act childish in a lot of situations. Even he used to become very aggressive sometimes and explained himself to others as if he was completely innocent. Finally I gave up and got separated after 1.5 year. He seemed absolutely unconcerned about all that and quickly started a new relationship within 3 months and recently got remarried to a kind of girl as you described above.
I feel really dejected and abandoned and wonder if he would be able to keep this girl happy? Was i really not able to understand him, or was he an N?

Kindly help

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vicky December 11, 2014

Everything you said, happened to me. It has been 15 months sine I left him and in this time I took him back on the goal for him to make his new wife (yes they got married) to mind. He dumped me, walked out behind my back! Now she is pregnant with 2nd child. They fight, lost their apartment. He quit his job. CPS took their 1st child. (which by the way is not his). as much as I dislike the woman he chose I am coming to believe after much study that’s not her fault of course we know its his! he did me so bad and left me penis went through my inheritance treated me like a dog I’m 6 years older than him and his new wife is 10 years younger I wish him luck because he is going to need it. His life is going to be held accountable to the end karma is a b****! I would love feedback.

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    vicky December 11, 2014

    Penny less not penis* even though that’s what James Ray Garrett is!!!

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PrivateToProtectTheNotInnocent December 8, 2014

Oh ladies, ladies, ladies. It seems every one of you have dated my ex too! He was awesome at the beginning, truly loved and adored me, I moved 2000 miles to be with him, and he turned into Jekyll and Hyde 5 minutes later. For 14 months I got to be belittled, mistreated, screamed at, devalued, mocked, ridiculed, and blamed for everything. I went from powerhouse business woman to sniveling crybaby. He stole 20 grand from me, wouldn’t let me get to my own money, and kept me a virtual prisoner. He wrecked me from the ground up. One day I had enough and layed into that piece of crap with both barrels. I screamed at him for 45 minutes until he was backing into a corner. The more he backed away the more angry I became. I went hoarse from giving him the WHAT FOR. How dare a man treat me like that. He thought he could take me away from my friends and family and control me. Well guess what? HE COULDN’T. Thank GOD he deleted and blocked me on Facebook because I used that as a tool to get me the hell out of there. My Facebook friends came through for me financially and I am now 2000 miles back home where I belong. Look, we make mistakes and we fall in love with the wrong person sometimes. We’re humans. It’s okay. What truly matters is that we get up off our backs and make our lives better again. I’m now 4 months free and clear, no contact for 3 months, and feeling better every day. You can do this! You are more beautiful and more wonderful than the guy you’re missing will ever be able to see. And that’s the whole thing. These guys are INCAPABLE of loving. They don’t know how. No one ever taught them how to love. It is NOT you. So quit your crying and make your life better. I believe in you! You got this! There is a truly wonderful man looking for you right this moment! As long as your eyes are on the wrong guy, they’ll never see the right one. My ex replaced me a few weeks after I left and that’s the biggest gift he could ever give me. He is no longer my problem. And in case no one has told you lately, I LOVE YOU!

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

    PrivateToProtectTheNotInnocent, thank you for your very kind. loving, and insightful comment. It’s been a while since you left it, but I hope others will see your words and feel motivated to make their own changes. Hugs <3

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nomadBJ December 7, 2014

Your article is spot on to my recent relationship. We just broke up less than 2 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much I needed to have affirmation that I’m not crazy or worthless. He did everything you mentioned: charmed then devalued and finally abused all the while cooking up other partners and getting them ready on the side. He has anger problems which I found out in the height of his busy season for his business (he’s a professional white water kayaker and small business owner.) It finally progressed to violence, and I found out he cheated too. He broke my heart and my spirit, and I’m having a really rough time recovering because I care for him. I can’t believe I still love him, but I do- leeching on to any scraps of friendship or kindness he shows my way for affirmation. What did I become? Also, he is such a celebrity in the outdoor world and involved in the community (going to city council meetings, on the OR tourism board)- so it is hard to see lots of people looking up to him and his women and guides who work for him hanging all over him. They have no idea how he can be verbally and physically abusive. I really just needed affirmation that it’s not me, and he’ll do the same thing again. Still hurting…Thanks so much for your support on your page.

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

    Hi nomadBJ, it’s been a while since you commented, but I hope my reply finds you healing and moving forward. I’m very glad to know my article gave you some perspective and validation that it wasn’t you. <3

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Tricia December 6, 2014

Fantastic, Birdsaw! I was in a relationship 30+ years ago with an N (didn’t know it then). After 18 months he had another victim lined up in the wings. Dumped me for her (I knew it was coming but it hurt a lot). Met my husband shortly after. Been married for all those years.

Then he popped up in an email. I was shocked but intrigued. We met up, fell ‘madly in love’ again, all those years peeling away. It was quite beautiful. He lived part of the year in another country, so meetings were not often. Texts, emails, phone calls….same as everyone else. We were both still married, both going through difficult times. Thought it was ‘fate’…soul-mates….all that stuff. After a few months, I just got a weird feeling that I wasn’t getting anything back. It was all me giving, giving. I suddenly looked at my husband (who had had 2 affairs) and realised what a wonderful person he really was! Not perfect. Just ‘normal’. And I was planning on leaving him! For that ’empty’ selfish man. I ended it. By text! I don’t even remember what I said. My husband carried on as though nothing had happened!!! Bless him. Don’t forget he’d done it to me twice before – so not too much sympathy here, please.

5 years later, another email out of the blue. This time he was divorcing his wife but his new gf had dumped him!! Oh, dear. I stupidly thought I could cope with helping him see the light. I had to use all my power to not get sucked back in (Oh, he had actually suggested, early on, we might ‘carry on where we’d left off’. What??? No way!).

A few months on he met my best friend. She was single again after 2 marriages. Always in a mess one way or another. Yes, you guessed! She was his new victim. I was furious that he could be so predatory. I told him and I got the ‘silent treatment’. Anyway, she got sucked up, in awe of his beautiful house on an island, etc. That was true but the rest was inflated ego stuff.

Same plan ensued. Almost a template of me. She fell for it all. It took a while because of the distance geographically but he finally ensnared her.

Now the thing is…..it really hurt me! It hurt so much that he had dared to put a wedge between me and my friend. It hurt because she never even asked me how I felt about it. It hurt because I had ‘lost’ 2 friends. I had already blanked him before this relationship started (because of his behaviour, not because I knew he was a Narcissist – I didn’t. Only learned that recently). I stupidly emailed him to ask how we might keep this 3-way friendship together? All I got was insults, controlling words like ‘mind your own business if you want to keep our friendship’…..and more. I was shocked and stunned. Nothing from her. She just ‘hid’ behind him.

I spent weeks trying to get my head round it all. Why was I the ‘bad guy’??? What had I done wrong?? Then after lots of help from a mentor, I stumbled across Narcissists. What a revelation! I had my answer!! My instincts had been absolutely right all the time. Thankfully, I was spared a lot of trauma, but it still hurt me badly.

So, all you ‘victims’ out there are absolute saints! These toxic people are vile. But they hook you in, feed on you, then spit you out. With me, I think it was my pride that got hurt more than anything else. It was the knowledge that our ‘love’ was nothing but an illusion. Yet, I had already explained it (to myself) as being necessary to heal us at the time. In a strange way, it did just that. For me. I learnt to put myself first. Something I had always thought selfish.

No idea what will become of the two of them. I wonder if she is also a Narcissist?

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nomadBJ December 6, 2014

Your article is spot on to my recent relationship. We just broke up less than 2 months ago. Thank you so much for sharing. You have no idea how much I needed to have affirmation that I’m not crazy or worthless. He did everything you mentioned: charmed then devalued and finally abused all the while cooking up other partners and getting them ready on the side. He has anger problems which I found out in the height of his busy season for his business (he’s a professional white water kayaker in Portland, OR and small business owner.) It finally progressed to violence, and I found out he cheated too. He broke my heart and my spirit, and I’m having a really rough time recovering because I care for him. I can’t believe I still love him, but I do- leeching on to any scraps of friendship or kindness he shows my way for affirmation. What did I become? Also, he is such a celebrity in the outdoor world and involved in the community (going to city council meetings, on the OR tourism board)- so it is hard to see lots of people looking up to him and his women and guides who work for him hanging all over him. They have no idea how he can be verbally and physically abusive. I really just needed affirmation that it’s not me, and he’ll do the same thing again. Still hurting…Thanks so much for your support on your page.

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Lou December 3, 2014

I too am glad of these posts and can relate to them! I was with my ex for 8 yrs and had 2 kids with him! During my pregnancy with our first child he was awful to me, I didn’t know if I was coming or going, when I asked him where I stood his reply was ‘ your just there aren’t you’. I hurt so bad, I was aware he was seeing someone but could not prove it and he had me convinced it was me being insucure! Our second child was so bad although he did not attend the birth! He was physically abuse at times and as my children grew they witnessed his temper! I was told I was a bad mother, I was a control freak, he critised me and my family! Our sex life was non existent! He used to tell me he hated women and when we parted he said he wasn’t interested in anyone! I went no contact after he smashed up my living room and my kids where present! He love bombed me for months! But I stayed with it! I am aware he has played the victim and blamed me! He has a older son from a previous reltionship who he has a very poor relationship with! He’s now recently met and moved in a new lady someone who he’s known yrs! He seems happy with her! My question is why does he still send me emails and message links! I got one the other day that was a gary Barlow song or a pic of the kids jars of sweets! What is the meaning behind his behaviour?

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birdsaw December 2, 2014

It had been over for years between the ex N and I so I felt quite amused when he rang me out the blue and asked if I wanted to attend a very posh lunch with him and his company clients. I decided to go as the food was going to be first class. It turned out there was a very attractive man there who asked me to go for a drive to a lovely country spot. He did this in front of the ex N. It was actually as though the ex N did not even exist. Which of course, he doesn’t. The ex N then proceeded to try and hoover me and I just laughed, ate tons of gorgeous food that the ex N paid for and gave my number to the attractive man. I didn’t give my real number as I had no interest in anything other than enjoying the food and the flirting and then going home and laughing.

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ohhihello December 2, 2014

It’s been almost 7 months since discard after a 4 1/2 year relationship with someone whose profile fits perfectly a narcissistic psychopath. Sadly the story is like too many others. I was aware at least two years before discard that I was going to be dumped, though I wasn’t aware of his pscyhopathy at the time. I was always aware that this extremely hypersexual man was very active with other hookups all during our “relationship”, but was so blinded by my addiction to him and trying so desperately not make him want to dump me that I pretended to be a “cool girlfriend” and just turn a blind eye. But at least six months before my discard, I could see his aggressive obsession for his current target growing, as I was virtually disappearing and becoming invisible. He RARELY acknowledged anything I put up on FB, even on his wall. Only one picture of us is among his FB photos. He never posted about us. Within the first month with her, he put up about 20 pictures of them, and has made a point of liking virtually everything she posts as well as make comments, tagging her whenever and wherever they’re together. So many of her friends are now very strong “friends” of his, too. He’d already collected many of my used-to-be friends in the time we were “together” and I found them turning against me, obviously a strong smear campaign going on even prior to the text telling me that he was bored and thus discarded.

As soon as I was discarded, I never made any attempt to contact him. I was careless and didn’t drop him nor block him from my friends at first, and so watched him gleefully make her his everything. He dropped 50 pounds after being at his peak weight at the time of discard, worked out to the point where he truly is in the best shape of his life, and stopped drinking with a previous history of alcoholic behaviors of drinking to the point of passing out at least a couple of times a week in the time I knew him.

He’s begun to pick her up daily and even if they don’t have a lot of time to be together, he’s helping her lose weight and improve her physical shape along with him. He’s also begun to teach her all about his favorite beverage, now creeping back into his habits a few times a week: beer. They both post about how excited they are to try new beers together, travelling to breweries regardless of the distance. True, he’s changed like the chameleon that a psychopath is to accommodate her likes, but he’s also seemingly beginning to slowly exert control over her with the workout regimen and drinking while video gaming that they engage in more regularly.

The most puzzling part of their relationship is, as she angrily insists repeatedly, that their relationship is platonic. Part of me wants to disbelieve this because he is that hypersexual. But her repeated bitching about the questions, especially when she sleeps over at his mother’s house, where he still lives at age 33, make me wonder. He certainly can hook up with any number of girls 10-12 years younger than he like her many many friends and acquaintances, to keep him satisfied that way. But it seems odd that his type would be willing to have such an obsessive relationship without sex as part of the appeal; it’s such an important weapon to exert control. At this point I’m more curious in an observational way, though I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t emotionally affected by watching their seemingly extraordinarily successful relationship move along so much better than ours ever was. I’m finally going full-on NC with everybody, choosing to step away from FB altogether, as there are too many remaining crossover contacts who in spite of blocking him, have filled me in on how things have been going.

After all of that, my point is that it seems so contrary to type that they would have a platonic relationship; that he would be willing to go along with it, unless she is providing him with such extraordinary supply, such as her enormous following of fans and a few real-life friends she still sees on occasion, when she’s not tied up with him, who now also serve as a huge audience for him, adoring him as the most awesome guy for the way he treats her. In the interest of my overall health, not seeing how things go is best for me.

This whole experience has been such an amazing trip, resulting in so much loss, including too many friendships, and too much of myself. But I’ve also been able to turn it around and realize that I’ve learned a lot, a very strong “how not to” lesson, and to trust my deepest instincts about things not being good: I was absolutely right all along in every case. And that I can find the strength to heal and grow beyond such unimaginable pain. I will never let this kind of relationship happen to me ever again.

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Tasha November 27, 2014

So mine keeps me sidetracked. Like, taking a picture, alcohol, animals that keep me busy while he either goes to gate and talks/takes care of business or says he will go to the store for me. All the while he has written love poems and speaks remotely to “Anna” up the street via his wired dimond earings or some type of earpiece or bluetooth. I cant figure it out yet.
AND IM NOT SCARED YET. They have already tried. All I did was comply. Im SO PISSED OFF THAT I LET SOMEONE DO THIS.
Yhey are also monitoring me in my home…Im going to take care of repayment of some money to the family and w/in 8 mos…Im OUT. Wonder if there is an organization to help me get a new identity??

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Newbie November 23, 2014

Well I was disagarted today. Lmao we had sex 5 days ago. Isn’t it funny how they all the same. So predictable. But I did see it coming and to tell you the truth I waited 7 years for it to happen. Ugh my endurance it’s amazing, amazingly stupid! I was so sick and tired of his abuse at every level. Still I fist and fight for him not to leave. OMG when I’ve been praying for it!!! Well he said it’s my fault and she makes him happy. Where the hell she came from? I still don’t know her but can wait to see the new meal ticket and it’s funny cause that’s all I did pay for his meals. Wow what a journey and a waste of time and lots of money.

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    Kim Saeed November 25, 2014

    Newbie, what you have described is the Narcissist blueprint. They never change.

    You are biochemically and emotionally addicted to the dysfunction and that’s why it’s hard to leave. But, you must get to a point where your desire to change is greater than your desire to stay in the relationship. Otherwise, you will waste more years of your life (and money) and have nothing left to show for it except a destroyed heart.

    Reply
      Newbie November 25, 2014

      I knew he had a mental problem because the things he put me thru were not even logic! I kept telling my friends he was not just a jerk but something bigger was going on in his head. I am so humiliated and hunted by the way I begged him not to leave. Once more no show of dignity from me. He hit me, took my money, always tried to take advantage, one day he said we couldn’t go out to eat cause he was broke but I showed up at his appartment which I help him get and from where I was thrown and called the police to take me out, and he had bags from name brand store he just went and bought stuff for himself. He is a obsessive texter, he does it all day long and sometimes demands an imidiate respond or he would get mad but of course rules don’t apply to him. You can’t imaging the horror that he constally texted me. I cried my soul out lot of times. But he never left me alone! Never and he never told me he had someone else until now. Not the one day went by without a issue with another woman in his life. I stopped being his supply and I made the desition to not provide for him anymore I was tired. That’s when he started to cut me off but always found a way to used me for sex and I like an idiot always went. I wanted so desperate to break away. I even told him I was on a dating site that’s when he said he had a girfriend. What a disgusting mess. I’m not in no dating site, I can’t even look to another man I was so hopelessly in love with what I thought it was him and now I know it was just a reflexion of me he was mirroring. It’s hard to know he never loved me, my impaired brain wanted this to be true because that way it was somewhat worth it but it’s not. True I feel very hurt beyond words can express but mostly humiliated to my courd and not one once of dignity left. Dignity that will get back no matter what it takes. I just wanna hear he is not gonna be happy and have a happy ending that he doesn’t deserve. I was so good to that man loving and caring in every sense. He lost a presious girl and he will never know it. What a tragedy for him.

      Reply
aj November 23, 2014

It’s been two weeks since I was discarded by my boyfriend. We had been together over a year. For the past few weeks he had been acting distant and blew off our date night plans one night. One of my friends also found out that he had opened up an online dating profile while he was dating me and was talking to women online. When I found all of this out I confronted him via text and haven’t heard from him since. I tried reaching out, but he hasn’t contacted me. He never apologized for anything he did and didn’t give me any explanation. I guess he’s mad that I called him out on the way he had been treating me. Everyone I know and myself can’t believe that after dating someone for over a year you could just walk out of their life without an explanation. It’s going to take me awhile to get over this.

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2014

    Aj, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. As painful as it is, it’s best to accept that you may never get an explanation or apology. And you had every right to call him out if he was mistreating you.

    Your only hope of getting over this is to block him from your phone/email/any social media and move on. It’s easier said than done, but the only way of truly moving on with life.

    Reply
    dan November 28, 2014

    Hi aj
    As someone who has also recently experienced the feeling of being discarded like a trash bag after 12 years, PLEASE heed my words…RUN and never look back. No Contact is the way to go. These people are cold blooded, cold hearted and the only interest they have in you is that of a puppet..a puppet on a string, created for their own sick and twisted enjoyment. Look in the mirror, keep telling yourself you are better than that, losing you is his loss and he isn’t allowed to contact you because you ARE better than him. It’s not easy, in fact it’s damn hard but with support from this wonderful community you will be free, I promise. Dan

    Reply
4Fee November 16, 2014

y gf was glowing and planning a wedding/babies and all. A few weeks after a beautiful ceremony i got an unfamiliar friend request on FB. I didnt look at the page for a couple of days, oh but when i did i was floored!! Pics of my gf and her new husband. Pics of her husband and another woman. Copies of phone records and screenshots of ‘love’ msgs to this other woman, 2 weeks-5 days before the marriage. I found it hateful and in poor taste, so i deleted her as my friend and kept my mouth shut!! When my gf confided in me, i said nothing about the page. What struck me about our talk was her not really holding him accountable for what took what took place. This chick was and aweful mate to him and she was attacking his happiness. She seemed to attempt to convince me that he learned his lesson and that she deserved to be used by him before he married her! WTW? I immediately went back to her page to find that she had been in/out of a relationship w him for 10yrs and lived a state away. Why on earth did he stay ard for 10 yrs then? The ex’s page said he was pyscho, she had no clue he was getting married and he had admitted that he didnt tell for revenge. Floored!  2 weeks before wedding, the ex’s responses to his request to come back at 1am was that she really wanted to but she knew that they dont work. She talked abt a kid he helped raise….my gf wants chdren immediately. Is he an N? Is my gf next? What can i say or do to get her to see through him? Wivhe treat their children bettet than he has w his ex? I have been avoiding talking about it again, i believe marriage is a holy institution. But this is not! A mutual friend told me that they have been to counseling and he will never again! I am sure my sweet but naive friend has opened Pandora’s box. Please help

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Anonymous November 13, 2014

It’s been a month today since I was “discarded”, after an eight year relationship. Driving home from his birthday weekend getaway in the mountains for hiking and fun, he started once again to list my “problems”. I knew we had issues that we couldn’t seem to get past, but I kept hoping that we could find a way to work them out. We seemed to have so many positives, except for his incessant complaints about me, if only I could change my behaviours, we would be great. I feel sick. I knew in my heart that he was bad for me, but I still saw all the positives and thought we could find a way. I found it strange that he would never apologize for anything, even if it was apparent that he was wrong. Nothing was ever his fault – in eight years! Ironically, he had “discarded” (or was giving me the silent treatment – been through that so many times!), when I received a call at 6:30am. Didn’t answer. Called again. Answered it. He was having a stroke and wanted me to drive him to the hospital. Of course I did, and we reconciled for another go ’round. I began to seriously question “us” when he said aloud that his stroke “was my fault”, as I had caused him so much stress that it brought on the stroke.
So now it’s been a month, and I feel sad every day once the work day ends. I try and go for runs with my dog, but I am so sad. I feel so alone, and have no friends anymore. I don’t know how to rebuild. I don’t trust myself to choose a partner who isn’t a “predator”, and I’m 50 yrs. old. My bank account is drained. I owe him money. Life is really tough right now. How do I get over this? He told me I make noise when I eat, snore, am deaf, am an idiot, can’t drive, am selfish, have one foot out the door, and that he understands why my ex-husband dislikes me (we got together one year after my marriage ended).

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    Kim Saeed November 14, 2014

    I am so sorry you had to endure this for so long. I was also with my Ex for about the same time frame and heard all the same complaints about me and how everything was my fault.

    I know it’s hard to internalize this right now, but his complaints about you are not true. One of the ways they try to keep us trapped with them is by making us believe we are so defective that no one else would want us.

    The best place to begin again is to do some inner child healing and work on healing from codependency. Unless we heal those areas, most other therapy is ineffective.

    I have some other healing tools here on the site, but try to listen to your soul, too. Is there a hobby you always wanted to pick up, but never did because of your Ex? Does your town offer any community classes or activities where you could go out and meet people? Do you have any old friendships you could rekindle?

    I know it’s scary right now, but just take baby steps…again, the inner child healing and codependency recovery is a great place to start. Best wishes as you move forward. I wish you the best.

    Reply
Back@Sq1 November 12, 2014

I am dealing with this too and it is making me crazy. I choose to leave 14 months ago and any time we have talked since then he has turned everything around and said it was all my fault. All I can do is help but think that if I had done things differently, we’d be ok. I know that just because the good was great, it doesn’t make up for how bad the bad was, yet he has a way of making all the bad seem like it was because of me? I feel after talking to him, I just want to make him happy and that I let him down, when in reality, I know that he didn’t want to put forth real effort, he just wanted me to do what he needed. Now after 14 months of trying to fix things, he has discarded me & has already been spending time with multiple other women… it makes you feel like it was all lies and they never really cared, how can he be so loving one day and then the next day, completely change and treat me like I’m the devil and call me terrible names. I sometimes feel like I deserve the mean things he says to me, even though throughout our whole relationship, I’d do anything for him, but if it wasn’t exactly how he’d do it… I was always wrong, I just want the pain to go away, I just want to feel like I am worth more than I feel right now…

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    Kim Saeed November 13, 2014

    I wish I had a better answer, but the truth is you must cut him out of your life if you ever want a chance at healing and happiness. The feelings you are experiencing are exactly how he keeps you addicted to him…making you feel it was all your fault and using your conscientiousness to make you feel guilty and wanting to “fix” things even though it was all him.

    He is exploiting your feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, and fear of abandonment to make you believe you can never be happy without him. But, it’s all an illusion. The fact is, you will never be happy WITH him. The only answer is to go No Contact and mean it.

    Reply
      ohhihello December 2, 2014

      Back@Sq1 Unfortunately, you’re right: he never did love you. These creatures are truly incapable of forming real human bonds, they are incapable of having true relationships with others because they can’t feel true human emotions. The Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde routine is meant to throw you off, to shake your confidence not only in what you supposedly have with him, but more to shake your confidence in yourself. It’s entertaining, and a great way to stave off the boredom of every day life which, at least in the case of psychopaths and sociopaths, is quite possibly the worst thing they can experience. Keeping you off your guard, making you dance on a knife’s edge is very entertaining, and fun to talk about to others behind your back, even your own friends and/or family. None of it is real. None of it. Such a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s true. You may have poured everything you felt into the relationship, but he did nothing more than to mirror you, pretending at caring and feeling, in order to rope you in, and keep you roped in, even when he started treating you so cruelly. Amazing how like a true addiction being with these beings is, including the excruciating pain of withdrawl. But you can get through it, get past it, and re-discover who you are, and truly appreciate yourself on your own merits and not in terms of trying to gain the approval and acknowledgement of someone else. That’s actually a very powerful thing, and something he will never have. Massive win for you in the end.

      Reply
      rideron2 December 3, 2014

      Like so many other posts, I’ve been in and out of a relationship with my now ex-N for 10 years, except for the 3 years that he left me & got married to someone else. I can’t believe I took him back about 2 years ago and now…I know I’ll never go back to him. He’s projected his cheating ways on my, has told so many lies about me to his family that they don’t ever want to see me, and he has blamed his new found love (only took him 2 weeks to move in with her) on me being so untrue and terrible to him. Oh, and my family can’t stand him.
      When he got married to someone else, 5 years back now, I couldn’t eat, sleep, or basically do anything but cry over my broken heart. I’ve always been confident and have a great career and I never let him totally break me down completely, although he tried. He has a distorted reality and lies about things that only a fool would believe are true.
      I tired ‘no contact this last break-up a couple weeks ago and I couldn’t sleep at night.. so I knew I had to take control and close this down my own way, with grace and class. I’ve never been one to hate and to hold grudges and had to get some peace inside, so I texted him a very grown-up text telling him I had always loved him, forgave him for all the false accusation, was sorry for any pain I may have given him…and said goodbye, as a sane person does.
      He came back with such a revengeful text, blaming me for all the indiscretions that he has falsely accused me of since 2005. Really? I mean the list was long and he had thrown everything in this time. Keep in mind that I was always true to him, he’s the one who’s had affairs and who got married! This man is full of revenge and hatred and I then texted him to say that I heard the hatred in his message and that I would never contact him again. I mean that this time, without a doubt, and I feel sorry for his new supply. Oh, she thinks she’s saved him from me and has hit the ‘mother lode’, but oh no…so sorry. Taking the reins with this final ‘sign-off’ hurt me, but it made me feel in control of my life. I am standing up for myself and going to start loving myself with all that I have. I deserve and will close this unhealthy chapter in my life. I leave knowing that I was the best thing that ever happened to that poor narcissistic man.
      It helps to write down the horrible things your ex-N has said and done to you and remember, it never gets better and they don’t like counseling and will never change.
      Where the heck do these guys come from? I know the one thing that could send him into a rage and that is to tell him he wasn’t the greatest lover, like he claimed. Now that would hit him where it hurts and if I wanted to stoop to his level, guess I could throw this punch, but his revenge would not be pretty..
      So…I’m done, I’m out, after 10 years of hanging on and hoping he’d see and feel how much I loved him, I’m walking away and passing this heartache on to the next unlucky girl.

      Reply
dan November 11, 2014

Kim
I am still trying to believe my wife is an “N”. I was with her 12 years and she discarded me like yesterday’s trash about 3 months ago. Over the years I caught her in affairs a couple of times but was always on edge and suspicious to the point of paranoia. In the last year after finding a secret cell phone and hotel bills I started to see the writing on the wall but never heard of such a thing as a discard or total abandonment. I began noticing or better yet, opening my eyes to the things around me. She hated everything, her job, her family, her father, her son in law, his family. Her daughter had a baby 5 months ago and she was even trying to get her daughter to discard her husband. Seeing the writing on the wall I even offered her a divorce which she refused. I didn’t want to be there when my stepdaughter had the baby as I didn’t want to become attached. She knew this and waited to discard me after I fell in love with the child. On August 19th I spoke with my wife and she told me she loved me (i was out of town) and was looking forward to the weekend together. An hour later I was served with a divorce petition. In another hour I lost every friend we had, I lost my step children and every family member on her side with the exception of her father. He sees her for what she is. I am in therapy over this as I am having trouble with the devastation brought upon me. It was my therapist who told me what she was.
Upon receipt of the divorce petition I have NEVER heard from my wife again or any friend we had. I find myself relieved to be away from her and yet miss her terribly as I thought she was the love of my life. In hindsight I see now she exhibited every symptom I read about..gaslighting, cheating, putting down everyone she knows in order to feel above them, always talking about ex husbands and previous relationships especially in the last year. Telling me other people said I was the problem. A non existent sex life after I found the hotel bills and phone. I just can’t get past the fact that I miss her (or the person I thought she was). Also, the tremendous feeling of insignificance when trying to process that she could discard me without another word after 12 years, not a single word. I guess I should see that as a blessing since the final divorce papers are due to me any day now. I guess I’ve been spared the pain of the hoovering or keeping me on the hook for supply down the road. I take it as a sign she’s gone for good. Thanks for listening to my rant

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    Kim Saeed November 13, 2014

    Sure thing, Dan. I hope you will start taking great care of yourself and doing things that will help you move forward. Typically, the best places to start are recovery from codependency and inner child healing. Best wishes for you and your new future.

    Reply
Trying not to look back November 9, 2014

I was dumped by my narcissist a year and a half ago. The story is like many of you – I was his soul mate, the love of his life…. except he had a bipolar schizophrenic ex-wife who terrorized us. This caused so much stress and clouded many of our own issues. It was him and I against the world. Our 4 walls inside our home were our sacred space. I sold my business, my home and moved 800 miles to take care of his daughter as a stay at home girlfriend and surrogate mom. He didn’t let me move into the house and made me get an apartment on my own. I gave up my pet and best friend of 16 years because he was “allergic”. (she died 2 months after I left her with another family) I tried to find work, but the restrictions were too much… Be at his home by 5 to cook dinner or I couldn’t see the daughter. I was incompetent. They “needed me” and if I wasn’t there for them, I wasn’t in the relationship. Needless to say I couldn’t hold a job and soon couldn’t even find work and then he resented me because he had to support me. I wasn’t allowed to “Take a break” to heal myself or find my footing again. I was either in or out. So I would sit alone in my apt until it was time to go over and cook dinner. Or pick his daughter up at school. I chose to be in because the man I loved needed me – How could I walk away? After about a year I discovered that he had multiple profiles on hard core BDSM websites, and hundreds of personal ads looking for women that I would/ could never be. When I confronted him, he of course blamed me – yelling and screaming. And then he apologized and begged me for forgiveness. Said he would stop. Of course he didn’t. Months went on and our relationship became more and more co-dependent/ volatile. My individuality gone, no friends, no family near by. The verbal abuse got worse and worse. And then it was time to move in to his house, but things were very very off.

My gut was torn up. I did an internet search and found the Mecca. 3 different profiles/ all him seeking different types of relationships. I created a fake profile and emailed one of his BDSM profiles where he said he wanted a real relationship. I simply asked, Are you looking for a real relationship or an autoerotic email fantasy? He said clearly -a real relationship and then professed how many he has had while with his “white dress” (me). When I confronted him, He betrayed me, berated me, blamed me and then broke up with me. It was the most painful thing I have ever gone through and blamed myself over and over and over.

The question: Why would I set up a fake profile to “trap” him?
The answer: Because I still had an ounce of self respect and knew I deserved better. He wasn’t able to break me.

The good news is that I escaped. I was on anti-depressants for a year and in therapy twice a week for a year. I am now working again full time and in the healthiest relationship I have ever been in with a wonderful, emotionally supportive man. We are taking our time getting to know one another and falling in love. Life goes on… and its such a blessing that I got out. I could have ended up like his ex-wife who is now in and out of mental institutions and is unable to see her own daughter because of her mental instability. I thank God I got out when I did.

Now that you have the background… I want to talk about what is happening now. About 8 months after we broke up, he got engaged to a new woman. This woman has been stalking me online creating fake FB profiles to friend me, message me… She poses as someone else, compliments my art and then says things like “thank god you aren’t with that other tall fellow” which a random fan of my artwork wouldn’t know about. I noticed she has a true tell in her writing – she can’t spell certain words consistently and puts a space between two exclamation points. That along side with FB’s geo targeting made it really easy to figure out.

So let me ask you – Why is the new supply reaching out to me? This has happened exactly 6 times since March. Any advice here would be great! Thanks!

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Cori November 8, 2014

Wow I read this post and felt you have been following me. This is exactly how it happened in my relationship. I will admit I have settled into the side chick. I have just broken that part of our relationship off because 1.she is now pregnant and 2. Every time I asked him what’s going on with us he would talk in riddles. I realized I deserved better. As I made this decision (yesterday) I come across your post today. Thank you for the affirmation.

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    Kim Saeed November 13, 2014

    Thanks for sharing, Cori. I wish you the strength to move forward and never look back. You deserve more.

    Reply
Pookie November 7, 2014

Has anyone had their ex narc try to be nice to them while they are with someone else? I know my ex has a bad relationship with his girlfriend, he is being nice to me, we have a child together and had to be in the same place the other day and it was like the time when we first met, but this time i was aware, everything that i did and said he did and said and he was making it look like “i was a female version of him” (like he told me when we first met) i felt a bit weird talking to him and it didn’t feel right. (mad dejavu)
Has anyone experienced this before and if you have can i please know how you dealt with it? Feel free to message me http://on.fb.me/113MEIi

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Why November 5, 2014

I’ve read this post a million times. I don’t need to tell any you of the same stories I’ve read. I’m struggling,

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    Kim Saeed November 14, 2014

    Why,

    I can relate to how you’re feeling. I was once in your shoes.

    If you’re like I was back then, you might be feeling very low on yourself…unattractive, unworthy, uninteresting, etc., due to your partner’s cruel words and actions. It’s important to acknowledge that this is a very strategic tactic they use to keep us in queue by making us believe we are so defective that no one else would ever want us. And it works, unless we can begin to understand that none of what they said is true. It’s just another area of pathological lying on their part.

    I would imagine you are a much more valuable partner than he could ever dream of being.

    Reply
Anonymous November 2, 2014

I’m in a dilemma now, but reading this helps me to stay on the path I started a few days ago. I was with someone for 11 years. He and his daughter moved in with me, rent free with only their clothes. Everything was mine and they used it like they were entitled. The daughter eventually moved out and on with her life, as did my two children. He was always late with his bills, never had money except to buy whatever toy he felt he needed, and to send to both of his daughters who were always needing help with something. We had many arguments about money, he said he didn’t want to contribute to my mortgage or upkeep of the house because it didn’t “benefit” him in any way. I would just pass it on to my children when the time came. Never did yard work because it wasn’t “his” house, that sort of thing. I also had strange feelings about the women he worked with. He was very good looking, and all the younger girls in his office would say he was so charming, which he always was. He would always enjoy taking me to his company party’s because there was always one of his new conquests that would throw a tantrum because I was there. I thought it was just a one time thing, but then I started noticing it happened more often than not. He seemed to enjoy how angry she would get and treat me rudely without revealing her crush to everyone but me. Always a different young thing, and he would grin from ear to ear as she would flip her hair and walk away after meeting me. After many years of this behavior I started feeling used, people were saying they would see him with these young girls having lunch or whatever. He always said it was “work related”. Then, Dec 2012 things changed. I could tell something was different, and he was moving on. I noticed pics on Facebook of him and his colleagues, but mostly one woman in particular. My gut told me this was his newest conquest but this one was different. She was a bit older, although still younger than us, but seemed more stable, had a home, a family, even a grandchild. He started not coming home, and finding every excuse to go to her area of town. This happened until just after New Years, and my daughter was visiting and she went out with some friends on her second to last night. I was at work, and he told my daughter to tell me that he had a party after work and not to expect him until late. She was also going out and I was home alone. I was woken at 3:30 am by my daughter who had just come home and he was still not home. Of course I panicked because he’s been known to drink and drive and I was afraid he was laying in a ditch, usual thoughts that go through your mind. I called his best friend and he tried to contact him. I never heard from him again, except by text to arrange for him to pick up his things. His friend, who was married to my good friend said he had moved out and was staying with friends. Then I remembered all the Facebook stuff I had seen and found out where the girl lived (a bit stalkerish, but I just needed to know for my own satisfaction). Drove by her house late at night a couple days after he didn’t come back, and sure enough, his car was there next to hers. Like I said, he never made any attempt to contact me, I kept expecting an apology or explanation but all my friends convinced me to let it go, which I did and eventually moved on.

Fast forward to a year later and one of my friends contacted me and said that this guy was living a mile away from me and was telling everyone he was going to get back with me. He called me a few months later and wanted to talk. I thought I would get an apology, maybe a “I made a mistake and never should have left”. But no, he proceeded to tell me it was “my fault”, that he never would have left if I had been paying him more attention, I wasn’t attentive enough. I was in shock!! 11 months later now, we’ve tried to “date” but usually end up arguing because he feels no remorse and I think he should. We’ve gone back and forth several times, and I noticed he always gets really friendly when he needs something or his rent is coming up. I’ve already lent him money(stupid). He started our saying he thinks we need to live together again to work through this (or his rent is due and he doesn’t have the money). Then he said he wanted to vacation with me, thinking that was something I would want to hear. Now I hear he’s had several short flirting relationships the whole time he’s been wooing me, and when asked, he says he’s ready to be with someone and if it’s not me, he’ll find someone else. He just needs that constant adoration, but when they find out he’s really in dire straits and cut him off, he always comes back to me. He was being really attentive to me the last week, making me meals, helping me do some stuff around the house, and all of a sudden it stopped, no phone call, no text, and a mutual friend told me he’s all into another young thing again. I don’t understand how someone can just forget about someone they keep claiming to care about when someone else shows them a little interest. So I blocked him from my phone so he can’t call or text, I won’t even know if he tries. I don’t worry about him coming around, so I just need to stay tough and not allow him access to me, even though I’d really like to tell him off. Another 11 months wasted after 11 years, and I have to go through the whole break up and betrayal blues again. Please tell me I’m doing the right thing and he isn’t going to change.

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theleastlikelywordsmith October 29, 2014

Thank you, thank you ,thank you!

After almost 2 years of (almost 100 %) no contact, for the first time since this huge ‘tragedy’ happened in my life, I can actually read an article on NPD and laugh!

What a gift!

I loved the graphic imagery too of the meal ticket. You are spot on!

Again, thank you.

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Ellen October 27, 2014

What happens when a full Narcist fells in love with an other full Narcist?

Thats what i mean. They dont. What happens when i act like a Narcist to to show him how humiliated en selfish he does? Thats completly dangourous. We have to walk on eggs.. while he is Jesus Christ himself walking on water.

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    jessiejg62690 November 13, 2014

    He actually emailed me last tuesday while he was on vacation with his gf. He told me he mIssed me and missed us and having someone to listen and talk to him and understand him. So stupidly i emailed him back but told him to give jis life some real thought and all this inspirational crap. Then he emailed me again saying hes hapy he can turn to me. In reality i wanted to just tell him to go f off, but sadly i dont have that in my heart to do that to someone i love, regardless of their actions. So it carried on itoteztong. Apparently his gf broke up woth him tht monday. So basically if she didnt end it i would have seen all this my gf is amazing i love her crap all over his social media. So yeah i got upset. He said he realizes that she was basically a reboud and everything he wanted with me he wanted with slmeone else and he made the mistake of doing that with someone whos an attention whore and she sucks. He kept insisting he came to me bc he needed to speak to someone who understood him and knew him….he has other friends. So on friday eveningafter he could tell i was getting upset he tells me it was a mistake to get back in contact with me he didnt realize how much i was still hurting. S then i see hos posting up that hes a lone and no one understands him…so he wants attention and to make it seem like hes alone in the world…just like his ex strivingfor attention. So yesterday i also see hes still in contact with this girl. I got mad again so i said one last thing to him that its not fair to me that you will use me when you need to feel better about yourself and then run to her when you want physical attention i loe you with all of my heart and yet you just throw me away youre right you are fucked up and you need to reevaluate yourself because i dont know you anymore…we cannot be friends we cannot speak about how your feeling. I hope you recover soon and maybe in the future we can cross paths again. And he said “ill do whatever i want with her i told youi just wanted your friendship and nothing more, but your right its not fair or healthy for you” and i havent heard from him since. I need to he strong and carry on with my positive path of going to schooland doing what makes ME happy. I have an awesome support group of friends and family and i have to just think about that even if he is on my mind every second of the day. love is such a love/hate thing.

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Ellen October 27, 2014

Hello Over it.

he left me suddenly for someone else… After days of deep depression i Was getting my dayley ritme back and so on.. I did not hear from him for two weeks. But then suddenly he texted me when he had an argument with this person. So after two weeks of no contact he wrote.

“The luck is comming your side!! I will not let someone raise there voice at me like that!!”

?? What the.. ?? What is he thinking? That i sit on the point of my chair with the Phone in my hand to get him back? And put my hands way up and say YESSS thanks the Lord he is comming back. .
And for what reason? Because he has a fight and his ego supply is threatend to dissapear. You can not putt my life in hold. I am a human being with feelings. Feelings of deep hurt thats in proces. After two weeks i dont feel the same as he left me.
So i did not react on it at all. Then i heard nothing for a week offcourse because the fight is come to peace. He texted me in an impulse for sure.

Does he not see that such kind of tekst lets see the sickness of his mind?

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    jessiejg62690 November 17, 2014

    Having the strength to actually ignore and move on is easier said than done. When you love someone hearts are not easily replaced. They dont seem to understand that which is frustrating. I wish you all the luck in the moving on process stay strong!

    Reply
zzmom October 26, 2014

It helps so much to read that I am not the only one to experience what I did. My N left me after 23 years of marriage after a months long affair. She seem to be getting all the attention and open displays of affection that I always craved from him. I did everything for him and it was never enough. Now he is with someone that seems to demand so much from him and yet he treats her in way he never did me. How do you turn off the endless loop in your head that you weren’t good enough?

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jessie gonzalez October 24, 2014

After reading this, I feel a lot less crazy about my ex. We met through instagram and really hit it off. I am always one for long distance relationships but this one was the farthest. He lives in England and I live in the states. We skyped every single day and it got to the point where we even would leave our skypes on while we slept. This started in the end of June 2011 and we finally got to meet (he was planning to come here to visit a friend anyway) that November. It was magical. We learned so much about eachother in the months of talking before meeting that physically meeting was like…..undescriable. I was head over heels for this guy. He knew all the right things to say. I went over there to visit him that February, it was amazing! I got to meet his mom dad and stepmom and friends. We even got matching tattoos that said “forever and always” even though i hought it was a bad idea since we only knew eachother for 8 months but we swore we were eachothers soul mates. Things started to get a little crazy though and became too much. He did not like that I used to hang out wih my one friend, we will call her Lisa because I told him we would hangout and nap. Not touching eachother or naked, Ive never even kissed a girl nor do I have any interest to NOR am i a lezbian, but that was a problem. As there is a 5 hour difference in time, he would always question when I was coming to bed and why am I out so late (mindyou id only be at a friends house or something or on the couch hanging out with my family and the latest id stay awake is 11). And i would always make time for him regardless, I was working part time at this point and any spare time i had I was texting or skyping. The worst fight we had at this point was about me purchasing a new mattress. He was angry at me for not consulting with him about it insted of my parents because they could buy anything at the drop of a hat. Let me give you some inside info about me and my family: we are basically in the lower class when it comes to money, but he didnt know that at this point because im not guna be like hey i am basically poor. Anyway, so 2 months after this fight and jealousy and all of this he wanted to come stay here in my house with my family for two weeks. now…i was still getting to know him, I was embarrassed of my house and my family isnt exactly easy to get along with and when I brought it up I got HELL for it basically every single day until i told them i ended things with him. It wasnt even a week of us not being together and he was already talkign and flirting with other girls, This should have been the red flag. When I saw this I freaked out….this started a very very deep depression that took basically two years to start feeling normal again. We ended up getting back together after giving it some thought and it wasnt the same again. The loving emails didnt come as often and the love felt weird. We would get into fights and hed basically call me immature and he cant be my therapist and boyfriend and friend and all these other roles too. SO i went into counseling. I started asking questions as to where he and i’s relationship was going, so we made plans for me to move there and to get married. I started to get impatient and hed tell me hes saving and told me to save but his story would always change about his saving situation and well, mine was basically i saved only so much to buy a ticket and have spending money for there. I went over AGAIN, but it felt weird. now, i am not a sexual person, but if you havent seen your lover in half a year, you want to ofcouse make love or even tease them in lingerie. I did that and he just did not even pay me any mind, but ignored me, even when I straight up told him to look at me, it was like nothing. I felt fat although I was starving myself and abusing laxatives to get to an unhealthy weight because he liked skinny girls and hes petite himself, I want to look “good” for him. The fighting persisted and I had my doubts and basically whenever I would voice a concern hed either stray so far from my initial concern and itd never get resolved or he’d blame my counselor for putting thoughts into my head and I was over thinking and that would be the end of that. I caught him flirting with girls AGAIN and liking half naked girls pictures and his excuse would be “i liked her hat” when it was basically a shot of her breasts, I am not stupid. He eventually told me after we broke up he’s do that when I was acting distant or he didnt feel loved. I know this story is all over the place but upon going to counseling I found out that I am codependent and i have mild depression, along with some other issues from my past. yeah, i have my days where id cry mainly becase I just missed him. We opened up to eachther, I told him things no one knew about me. I have always been a shit door, my walls built high never trusted anyone, and then this guy comes around and somehow takes my walls down then while I am all out in the open he messes with my head and does stuff like that. Still I stayed. October of 2013, I went over to visit him. We were talkign the next step A LOT mainly becase I really wanted to know what the deal was becuase I wanted to go to college and I didnt want to wait forever. SO he asked me to marry him. Although there was no ring, which he did not want to get me because he did not want to be traditional (he eventually got me one last minute after fighting about it, the wrong size band and for £400 and he told me i better wear it becuase he spent a lot of money on it, mind you the next month he dropped almost £1000 on a new laptop) I still felt so happy I cried and cried. Three days later was our anniversary and he made me feel like the worst person int he world. It was their town celebration that day and we were supposed to go see the fire works, he told me it goot crazy crowded like new years in times square so I got scared as I have crazy anxiety. later that night we got into a fight and he told me I was too pushy and if i wasnt annoying him about it he woulda asked me during the fireworks but i ruined it. SO that was the best and worst milestone. That march he came to meet my family. I told him before he gave me the ring, I wanted him to ask my dad to give his consent to marry me, he said he refused to do it. My dad was upset about it, so was my stepmom. we also go into a huge fight becuase i didnt feel comfortable showering together in my house. Theres 4 other people that live here, and its a small one bathroom house…He met my friends and we had an amazing time regardless. i was upset about him leaving and I was on the fence about what he deal was with when I went there this october. In june he was told he would be let go from his tattooing job in September. He was a wreck….everynight crying would wake me up to talk and just watch him cry. I tried so hard to support him, tell him itlll be okay. He started hustling for tattooing jobs and looking into other shops. He became so involved in meeting new people and working that our relationship fell on the back burner. He didnt mention me going there, didn’t bring up getting a plane ticket, nothing. Every time we skyped he was on his phone so when we talked he was never mentally 100% there. It go to the point where I called it quits. He told me to give it some thought and not to let us go. I told him that I voiced my concerns constantly and he ignored them, and he was too involved in evolving in his career and I wanted to work on me then. He kept insisting that I could do schooling on the marriage visa and hed pay for me but when Id ask about his fundings again, he said he had a couple thousand saved but he kept having to take funds out, meaning he couldnt support both of us nor pay for me for school, so that would have been about 2-3 years until I could go to school while he pursues his career and travels. So he said there was no going back, ok whatever i thought we loved eachother enoug that it could be worked on. I still spoke to him often, hed tell me he loved me and missed me still, but then throw in that there is no getting back together….makes sense.
..not. in september at the end of the month he tells me that there wont be another chance…I came across his new gf he failed to mention. About being a creep i lurked and lurked an noticed they started seeing eachother a month after we broke up, crazy how you “love someone” so much you want to marry and live with them and get matching tattoos witht hem and then the next minute you “love” someone else and the new girl is the best and amazing. So this new girl, shes my age (he is 31) shes a suicide girl, covered in tattoos (mind you he said he doesnt like girls that were involved in the tattoo world (like her) and he liked that I have tattoos but i wasnt a groupie) and listened to horrible music he hated when id listen to it. Complete opposite of me. He blocked me from instagram one day and i weaseled my way around it, I knew why…he posted a picture of them together. She buys him medicine he posts a pic and says shes the best. She buys him shoes he posts about it and shes amazing….goign out of his way via twitter just to rub it in my face hes happy and he loves her and shes amazing. I see it as, he is trying to hard to flaunt it. He used to tell me he didnt like to post everything I do for him becuase it takes away the sentimental just “you and me “value of it. Idk if thats bullshit of what. it still hurts and at times i want to just text him but I am getting better. Can someone give me some advice on this.

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    jessie gonzalez October 24, 2014

    I also noticed that her responses to his “acts of love” arent very idk…He boughther flowers and she posted on instagram “Beautiful” with a picture of them. btu didnt post who they were from. He bought her earrings an she posted “awesome!” but again didnt say who they were from. she also posted she was going to barcelona next month but didnt say who she was going with. I guess he didnt like that because to each picture he posted hearts and kisses and air planes, which I know now theyre going together. On facebook, youd never know she was dating someone. And theyre living together now! People tell me I should stop looking at their stuff, yeah well, you try being in love and thinking you found your soulmate then they move on to someone else so quick.

    Reply
      sammied79 November 7, 2014

      I think you should read as much as you can on narcissism… Sam Vaknin’s youtube vids are awesome and look up melanie tonia evans http://www.melanietoniaevans.com/ they have helped me so much, and your friends are right….stop looking at their stuff, it is stopping you from moving on. Looking at their stuff you might as well still be in contact with him… it isn’t good for you if you want to stop the depression… I was the same age you are when i had my child to my narc ex and it was on and off for the next few years, i would hate for you to go through all of that. It is time to focus on yourself and not give him another one of your thoughts, he clearly doesn’t deserve them or you… and what you see on the internet, is fakery… all of it is fake. He loves her as much as he said he loved you, it is all just words to them. You are so lucky you don’t have a kid to him and i hope in future, you learn to listen to your gut 🙂 Intuition is a fabulous gift and we all have it 🙂 Tap into the beautifulness of YOU and keep your family close 🙂

      Reply
    Anonymous November 15, 2014

    He will come back to you, then throw a bone , and the go to his existing supply. That is happening with me now. The new girl is his new victim .She will be like us after few months or after an year. I still wait for his call, cry almost all day, and he get an ego boost when he see me hopeless. His GF is in cloud nine, leaving her little kids at home and spending time with him. She doesn,t know he still contact me .He lives on lies. I am trying to move away from him.That is the only one thing we could do …

    Reply
belaisa906@gmail.com October 22, 2014

Kym,
I have been suffering for the past 6months.Got dumped my N after two years relationship.We work in the same place. When he was about to start his new relation, he became distant, rude and indifferent to me and eventually discarded me and started moving around with his new supply.Now everyday I am seeing them having lunch together,him caring for her like a Queen, getting her new expensive clothes and shoes . I on the other hand think about him all day and night, no sleep, no peace, feeling helpless and hopeless . When I see them together my heart fills with extreme pain and struggle to survive.

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paul October 14, 2014

I’m still not convinced the narcissist follows such a rigid pattern. I’ve known people doubly devastated when the new woman/man gets the treatment the discarded partner was promised and never received. This is what is really killing co-dependents. Quite understandably they took some comfort in thinking they were just casualties along the way and the next woman/man is going to get the idealisation/diminish/discard treatment anytime within a few weeks or months. So how do you deal with the knowledge that somehow either the new partner knows the right buttons to press/won’t take any shit…or the narc was just behaving badly and got his act together. Thoughts anybody?

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    KayB October 15, 2014

    Dear Paul, the pattern is usually followed but the timescales vary, rather than weeks or months it is more likely to be months or years. it also depends on whether he can find another woman to chase whilst with his new suppy, as he will stick with what he has until he is fairly certain he can trap his next victim. Also from the outside looking in it may look perfect but if you think back to your relationship with the narc how much of the gas lighting, put downs etc are behind closed doors and hidden, he is usually a good actor and may even convince himself that his new partner is perfect, until the next model/upgrade catches his eye.

    Reply
      paul October 15, 2014

      Thank you for your prompt response, Kay and I don’t know if it makes me feel better or worse! The reason I’m using him/her so much is a female friend of mine is going ‘through it’ with a man as I’m going through it with a woman. Except in her case she had a full, if I can use that word without enclosing it in quotes (!) relationship lasting 8 years. I’m amazed when I read comments from people surviving literally decades with narcissists – long before the term became so vogue – abused(?) My encounter was much more virtual – I was put through the 3 stage process in a matter of months not helped by the fact that within literally weeks of getting to know her she announced she was going to live abroad. This came as no surprise as she was soooo drop dead gorgeous and I’m so bloody plain ( if there is a god and there is reincarnation please let me come back as a tall handsome eastern European man with shoulder-length hair..) I knew something was going to ruin my chances with her, not least the fact that I’d been grieving the loss of old mum and was looking so rough and bedraggled the day I met B.
      I lost count of the times she promised we’d spend time together and would then cancel the morning of the appointed day. The best times to be with her seemed like when she’d give me between 10 minutes and half an hour’s notice and if I couldn’t jump to it she’d be annoyed. The cyber-sex was incredible as were the promises of the wild time we were going to have – someday. If I pushed it -…”I’ll give you what you need, not necessarily what you want!” she quipped. Curiously, almost like she was trying to give me a hint – although I took it as as a joke, she said, “I’m not the woman you think I am…” and in trying to defend herself from one of her (many) self contradictions she quipped,,,,”Oh that was just one of my personas speaking”
      So I won’t go on about all the other stuff that keeps getting trotted out on these forums as you’ll be saying ‘same old story.’ I was just getting used to her being out of my life when I looked at her Facebook page and instead of seeing the stuff she usually posts (amazingly posting one of her pieces of art-work instead of her lovely face,) I see a man and she’s got a selfie (not a very flattering one,) as her avatar. I can hardly describe the stomach churning that I experienced then – the pain, the jealousy the shock…and it looks like they’ll be doing all the things I wanted to do with her – like taking her on the back of a motorcycle. There she is looking like a rock-chick on his bike and the text reads “but hey girls, I’m happy to share his picture with you – my wild boar!” So she keeps up the provocativeness and sexy posturing – like she did to me just to a wider audience. I suppose if I’d been more like him she’d have posted me on Facebook. No wonder it’s called ‘Narcissist nirvana.’ So the point I’m at now is would I feel better if she really is a full blown N. and will put him through the mill despite his having much more to offer. And what if she was just behaving badly to me despite ticking so many of the N. boxes, she knew exactly what she was doing playing cat and mouse until someone who matched her in age, looks and whatever came along and stole her heart. What does that say about her, him and me? She has had a painful, dreadful life full of dealing with oppressive conditions of worth and physical violence at the hands of her parents and was then subjected to an arranged marriage to a man she didn’t seem to love. I should, I know be happy for them and hope he can help heal her. Is the fact that I can’t quite come to terms with this, evidence of my being a latent narcissist? P.

      Reply
Jennifer October 3, 2014

I’m in love with a Narcissist and want so desperately to not be. I have been discarded and I have never felt so alone, worthless, desperate and sad. My story starts 20 years ago. I met my N at a part time job. He invited me to a cookout. He was so handsome and confidant. I felt so lucky. I went. At this party a woman was following him around and giving me some serious attitude. I thought maybe I got it wrong, he just invited me to a party and wasn’t interested in me. I thanked him for the invite and left after about an hour. When I was leaving he seemed shocked and upset that I was leaving. He began pursuing me. I fell head over heals in love. During this time he quickly moved into my apartment. So quickly that i only realized it after my landlord told me I needed to pay extra for another renter living with me. It was only then that I realized we were actually living together. During this time we were “harassed” continuously by his ex girlfriend, who just happened to be the same girl that was at that initial barbecue following him around. Still, no warning flags for me. I just felt so wanted, beautiful, special and loved. Love at first sight, right…I felt that way, was confidant he did too. A few months into the relationship a knock comes on my door. It’s this ex telling me that he had been keeping in contact with her and spending time with her, gives me an example that I knew was true. I call him, tell him I’m done (even though at this point I know I had no intention of that). This ends in him convincing me his ex was crazy and goes and puts a restraining order on her. I buy it all hook line and sinker even though my gut told me otherwise. Three months into our relationship he asks me to marry him and nine months later we elope. There were many warning signs during this period but I ignored every one of them. So many times where I swore he was cheating on me and suffering the same sick feeling I am feeling now. I always believed it was me. That I deserved the silent treatments that could last days, I was crazy, I was insecure. Funny thing is, is I was never those things before him, but forgot that. I had friends, family. I didn’t now. He was all I needed. All I wanted was to make him happy. I worked at it day and night. When I went to him many times during our marriage with my feelings, it would end up with me getting the first 2 to 3 minutes and then 40 minutes of him telling me why what I was feeling was wrong and what he needed from me and what I needed to do in order to not feel that way. Each conversation ended with me promising to be different and apologizing. Whenever we did anything outside I was told that I was inappropriate, to friendly, laughed to much at someone else’s jokes, didn’t show him enough attention. Was told that when we go out I should be hanging on him, he should have all my attention. Almost every time we did anything socially would end in an argument followed by the silent treatment with me continuously apologizing until he would finally one day just ask me to come see him and he would hug me or hold me and I would just be so thankful. Later when we or he would talk about it, I would promise to be different and apologize for being too friendly or having not made him feel like he was my focus. I would work harder but always falling short. I would try to tell him that I never felt like I came first, that I felt like he could give or take me on any given day. He would tell me that I was crazy, insecure and it wasn’t anything he was doing. The times he did tell me that I was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me, we were meant to be, I had the best body ever, those times were such highs for me. I truly believed every word and began to crave those words from him. I had to work for them though, they were never freely given. Here’s the thing and I’m so ashamed to write this…I would still be with him, still have him if I hadn’t cheated. I cheated with a man I worked with, a man I never felt anything for other than he told me I was beautiful and smart and funny. I never liked him, never wanted a relationship with him but I liked the attention. This only made me feel worse about myself. I wanted to feel this way with only my husband. How could I do such a thing to a man that I wanted to want me so bad. When he found out, he kicked me out, called me vicious name, I deserved all of them. I begged, pleaded, bought him, sent him cards and he eventually came back to me. I moved home. From this point forward, I jumped thru every hoop. I was told to quit my job, walk right out that minute and be home in 7 minutes, if I wasn’t home in that time, the door would be locked. I had never disrespected an employer like that or anybody else for matter (just myself) but I did it, sick to my stomach I wouldn’t make it in the seven minutes, I did. We were fostering two small children because he wanted more and I wasn’t able to have any because I was broken (his words), we had been fostering them for three years and was in the adoption phase and he told me I had to let them go. He had raised these kids as his own for three years and he just discarded them. With a heavy heart I did too, I let them go thinking then he would know how much he truly meant to me. It’s been over two years now since I cheated. I have been called horrible names, and had him do horribly mean cold things to me and I have accepted them all and apologized thru it all. It would have never made a difference. I got word two months ago that the two children we gave up were struggling and had yet to be adopted, still in the system. I made the decision to move out and have the kids come home. I truly thought he would come for us. Realize he loved us, missed us. Sadly, I had never heard of a narcissist. Had I, I never would have made that move. I have been discarded. Within two months he has moved on to another woman who has three kids by two different men and is always on facebook. I don’t get it. I was never allowed to have facebook. I was never allowed to spend time with my friends and only small amounts of time with my family. How will this relationship with her work with all her baggage? He told me that her husband had cheated on her so she knows the value of a relationship. I have to be pretty awful for him to change in a way that is ok that this woman has kids and ex’s he will have to deal with. He is doing and going to every single place we ever did effortlessly with her. I can’t, there are too many triggers for me. How can he? How can he feel absolutely nothing. I have sent texts, called him, written letters begging him to respond, to see me. It’s like I never existed. I can’t grasp it and I want to. Maybe I deserve it, I cheated on him, but he took me back and I did everything that was asked of me. I’ve worked so hard for the last two years proving to him that I was worth it, worth holding onto. I wanted just once and hoped with every inch of my heart that if I moved out he would realize how much he loved and missed me. What a mistake. I wish I hadn’t left. I would still be with him. I know it. How do I begin to let go of him and heal. Right now I would give anything to not be invisible, ignored. Anything to know that I meant something, anything. I sit here typing this praying he will reach out to me. Praying his current relationship won’t work out and he will come back and so afraid that I have been permanently discarded. I wish I could have been enough, I know I tried like hell and it’s so discouraging that he can’t see any of it and has no feelings for me whatsoever after 20 years together. I have been erased and am struggling with that fact. Help!

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gorgeous October 3, 2014

hi again Kim, that was a very quick response and i truly appreciate it.. honestly im not sure if my ex hubby is a fully-pledge narc or just exhibitng narcissistic traits.. how can i tell?

he’s behavior since he left us tells me that he really is a narc.. he shows no respect to me, to the kids and even to his parents and relatives.. he is not like this before…

he displays his mistress in public.. even in front of our kids and their (inlaws) relatives… they’ve been displaying their “so called” love affair in social media like FB and instgram..

i tried the no contact rule, and guess what after 3 days of not responding to his calls and text.. he blocked me… a friend told me that his other woman asks him to do it..

i still love him a lot honestly… what should i do?

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gorgeous October 3, 2014

wow this article is really amazin,, i’ve come to realize that my exhusband is a narc, i just can’t believe it but everything in here describes exactly who he was…. but i still want him back.. we’ve been together for 10 years… after 5 years of marriage he cheated on me… and then again this time….

we have 4 kids,,, and im really considering/hoping to have him back… for our family and for the kids…

please give me advice..

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    Kim Saeed October 3, 2014

    Gorgeous, I’d need to know more about your background to give advice about going back, but I can say this…

    If your husband is truly a Narc, going back “for the kids” is never a good thing. It doesn’t give them stability and further, it gives them a warped idea of what a loving relationship/marriage should be like. When children grow up with a Narcissistic parent, they frequently grow up to be Narcissists or codependents themselves…and the pattern keeps passing on down through the generations.

    Reply
tiffany October 2, 2014

Wow I read this and some stuff go with my ex this is crazy ! But I’m not sure if he’s a narcissistic… :/

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lolita September 30, 2014

Hi Kim and everyone! Firs of all thank you so much for this website!! I’ve go through a lot of your post and it has really help me through the situation i’ve been living for the last weeks..I was in a relationship with a guy who I think is a narcissist. Everything ended up with him cheating on me and me finding it out via Instagram… When I confronted on the phone as we live in different cities (1 hour away) he laughed at me… then tried to denied everything and then didn’t say a word… he sent then a text saying how sorry he was and that I didn’t deserve what he had done to me.. after I replied expressing all my disappointment, telling him that he was a big liar etc etc and that I wanted him to come and pick up his stuff from my house as soon as possible, he reacted as he couldn’t care less and sent me even a nasty message saying he did not want to hear from me anymore, two message in less than an hour one expressing how sorry he was the other being completely nasty..how can this be possible?

The guy had been practically leaving at my place and used to said that he had strong feelings about me, that he felt good about our relationship etc etc (I guess all part of the idealization phase). But to be honest I never trust him, something inside just told me something was off with him. He is a professional boxer and had always a lot of girls commenting on his FB profile, liking his pictures, he was always talking on facebook, also liking pictures on instagram and asking girls to add him (this I discovered later of course)..he was also always telling me how some girls were flirting with him, how he had a strong connection with other girls from his salsa-class (triangulation maybe?) lots of things that I think I had to consider a reg flag but I didn’t. One particular thing I remember is that he used to tell me that I was not very “expressive” about my feelings for him (I am a very rational person and I don’t say “I love you” that when I am really sure about where the relationship is going etc… he was always asking me if I loved him (a way of gaining supply maybe?) pff a lot of things that when I think of now I should have considered a red flag…

After I dumped him and about 1 and 1/2 months of no contact he came back to me professing how much he misses me and how he misses everything about me, this while still being with the other girl, having gone on vacation together!! how can somebody be like this?

I mention all this details because still, sometimes I doubt if he’s a narcissist or if he has another problem, because sometimes I still ask myself if I am the one who did a mistake, if he really fell in love with this other girl… although I think I could be wrong as nobody with real love and empathy would do something like this…

Kim, is it possible to contact you or could you give me some guidelines mostly to know if I’ve identified the problem (him being a narc) ? or is this just crazy making behavior from a jerk? still don’t get what the difference between both of them is lol but I guess I would at least understand…

Thank you !! for all your great postings and hope only the best for everyone here going through difficult times !

PS: I am not a native english speaker so my apologizes in advance for any grammatical mistakes 😛

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    Kim Saeed October 1, 2014

    Hi Lolita! Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. Your Ex does seem to show some signs of being Narcissistic, but usually the best way to tell is to go by your emotional symptoms. You can reach me at letmereach@yahoo.com if you’d like 🙂

    Warmly, Kim

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Anonymous September 28, 2014

I appreciate websites that genuinely support and encourage people. This topic in particular is certainly new to me; as I have just recently as 2 weeks ago realized that I, myself, had been involved with a narcissistic psychopath. It literally blew my mind when I came upon this discovery. I’ve always thought of a psychopath being one who we see in movies torturing, killing people, etc. I had no knowledge that it was a narcissistic psychopath that I was in a relationship (sick game of charades) with for almost a year; living together, I might add. He took FULL advantage of me, played mind games, lied consistently, said mean things intentionally and then say that he was just joking (sometimes), he used exploited my kindness and never thought twice about the pain he was causing me. And talk about cognitive dissonance…. I experienced this so frequently, that it became part of my daily living experience after about 4 months into this sick game that I thought was a relationship. He toyed with my kind heart, eventually breaking it to pieces, over time. He really had his hooks in me to the point of doubting his “love” for me and doubting MY self at the same time. Every sign, clue, signal, red flag, along with my ever so faithful intuition, was evident and crystal clear. Nonetheless, I gave in to him, every time. Wondered how I could make our “relationship” better, tried to make things better, but nothing I ever did was EVER good enough for him. I thought I was losing my mind. One would feel that way after slowly but surely losing one’s self to another. My mind was so heavy, so clouded, drained. I felt like I was going to lose my mind. Until one day, as hard as it was to do, I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and that we had to conclude this mess of a life together. It wasn’t worth another minute of pain. That, of course, was a narcissistic injury to him and boy it was obvious. He had to see this coming though, because I began taking a stand for myself and really honing in on how he was treating me. And he began being more bold in his nasty, mean statements to me. At that time, I did know what “narcissistic injury” was, but playing it over in my mind, he threw a fit, blaming ME for HIS behavior. Just like all other times we’ve had problems, they were “MY” fault. EVERYTHING that ever went bad was, according to him, MY fault. It has been so difficult, treacherous, this agonizing time in my life, as his low-down selfish ways and how he sabotaged my life is constantly on my mind, I’m surfing the internet reading any and everything possible on the topic. Although we broke up, he’s moved out, he popped up unexpectedly; wanting sympathy from a made-up story about a “sick, dying relative.” And had the audacity to sniffle several times as if he was crying. I know about NO CONTACT. However, until I move, I really believe that leaving the line unblocked is a way of me at least partially knowing where his head is. I believe that blocking the phone line will only motivate him to come over which is not what I want. Ironically, he called and STILL popped up at my door as I was leaving the house one day and pushed me back inside. Honestly, I wasn’t afraid, (maybe I should’ve been) but I did file a police report so that the incident would be documented. He has a new and/or several relationships, I’m sure, and it bugs the heck out of me that he won’t just leave me alone. He has caused me more than enough damage to last me for very long time and now he’s just adding more intense insult to the already existing devastating injuries. This is a nightmare. I do understand and acknowledge that there are others who have and are currently experiencing much worse and I pray for us all. I’m literally having to start over because I can’t remain in this emotional funk that I am in. I’m yet giving him control, power, although indirectly and that won’t work. I’ve got to do better. It’s a process though. There’s much more to this, but for the sake of time and space, I’ll nip it right here. We will win. Stay strong….. We Will Win.

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redhead September 26, 2014

This is exactly what is happening to me. Word. For. Word.

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    Anonymous September 26, 2014

    I am dealing withe a similar situation although no kids involved. I moved out and then my lease is up and the entire year it was talking g about me moving back but now that the lease is about up he says his house isn’t ready. He’s been making all these plans with his friends and leaving me behind but still calls and still tells me he loves me. I too do not understand I feel like I’m going to lose it. I’ve gained 2lbs being in school working full time I took care of my mother for 2 yrs after 2 strokes she had and I’m tired and I feel like a huge fatty even though everyone says I’m crazy to think thus but my hope is gone. I feel lost and unsure if I will ever get through or even over this. I wish I had encouraging g words for you but you are not alone. I wish no e ever had to feel the way we do I am glad there is someone to talk with about it and know we are not the crazy ones even if I still feel like this. We deserve better!!!!

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Nelly September 25, 2014

It’s been 10 months since my separation from my cheating narc spouse. I put in divorce paperwork 7 months ago and it looks like we won’t be divorced until next year. He never wants to talk about the divorce or me bringing up the financial debt he’s left for me to pay back or the financial help I need for our two kids (YES i was pregnant when I found out he was cheating and got her pregnant too – smart girl got an abortion..he told me he loved me blah blah blah and now I’m left with a 2 year old and a 2 month old with no help from him). We’ve been going to court…since he lost his job I of course make way more money but my ability to pay is difficult considering i have student loans, bills, and now a repossessed vehicle to pay for (my husband’s truck that was under my name of course).

When he sees me or feels like it, he’ll shoot me a text to go drink (as if I’m not breastfeeding), he’ll come over to see his kids and we end up fooling around (after a while i give in – I’m working on it but not having any physical touch with anyone else makes me miss it even if he’s been with other women). He says that if i wanted to make things work that id call and talk to him or try like he tried once upon a time but i don’t. instead i served him paperwork. Im stubborn too but as much as i love him, as long as he doesn’t change, i force myself to continue with the divorce because I know I’m my mind i deserve better even though my heart yearns for him.

He left me with all the debt. EVERYTHING. THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS and is walking away scott free. He’s made he needs to pay me child support now for a measly 200 dollars since I am left paying 1200.00 a month for childcare for the boys so I can return back to work! We’re suppose to go to mediation but he cancelled. When I drop off the boys and pick them up he’ll be his smirky self centered irritating self and joke around and help me put them in the car and he’ll text every few days about how the boys are…It drives me NUTS!!!!!! If he doesn’t want to be with me then WHY is he prolonging this divorce and waiting for the collection agency to come after me for all the debt i can’t keep up with? (which is what they’re planning on doing). Why does he text me as if nothing is wrong?

The thing is he’s willing to play ball and work with me (at least verbally) if I am nice to him…but I am tired of being nice and being tricked!!! I don’t understand…please help!!!!

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    Kim Saeed September 27, 2014

    Nelly, I agree that one of the hardest challenges to overcome when detaching is ceasing physical intimacy. We are human and this is a natural desire. The problem, though, when engaging in lovemaking with the Narcissist is that women’s bodies release oxytocin, which makes us bond with the Narcissist and even become delusional that we can trust them.

    Did your lawyer determine the 200.00 for child support,or is it based off of your Ex’s income? Also, I don’t know what your debt consists of, but have you considered bankruptcy? You can’t include your student loans, but for the other debt, it might be worth considering. You won’t be able to get credit for a while, but you won’t be overwhelmed with the burden of all those payments.

    Also, I don’t know where you live, but do you have any Head Start Centers in your area for childcare? Or, at the very least, childcare that has fees based on your income?

    As far as his intrusive texts, just set up an auto-reply so that when he texts you about the kids, you can reply in a robotic manner, “They’re fine”. Just leave it at that every time and maybe his texts will begin to diminish. With modified contact, you want to keep it totally business-like…no emotion. Even if you feel frustrated,don’t let your Ex catch a whiff, because he is feeding off of your reactions.

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      Calendula October 6, 2014

      The N wants to cause suffering and despair.

      One school of thought is to NOT let him know that he got to you, because he’ll only laugh up his sleeve with smug self satisfaction, then try to get off that way some more, using you for the target again.

      Another school of though is the opposite: let him THINK that he got to you do that you can cut your losses there. He can go ahead and gloat that you’re “devastated” when actually, you just behaved that way to make him shut up and go away. Meanwhile, you set up the No Contact blocks so that the end was the end and it’s done and finite. Joke’s on him.

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ceecee halpert September 20, 2014

THAT’S IT!! You hit the nail on the head. What’s weird is seeing my former abuser follow the same exact pattern he did with me with his new woman. It’s almost as if I have script in hand and can tell what’s coming next. No contact is an issue with us because we have children together, so when I do have to be around him, I get bombarded with stories about their relationship *gag 😛 * In the meantime I’m ramping up my use of forums and help groups and pages such as yours. In a very odd way being able to see him in action is proving even more so to me that I was never crazy. The abuse did happen. None of it was my fault. He is sick. Thank you so much for this article. I had been wondering if anyone had any thoughts on being able to observe abuse from an outside standpoint. I’m just grateful my senses are heightened and I can see it now. No letting him back in from me, never…and I hope the new lady figures it out and gets out soon.

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Lindy September 16, 2014

After being thrown away for another woman, I find myself wound back up with my ex. We divorced 6 months ago after what I can only describe as being tortured with her existence, and I thought he would move her right into the house. However, he is playing all the games he played with me and denying her what she wants. He is using triangulation on her and saying all of these nice things about me now, and telling her if she doesn’t like that he is friends with me she can take a walk. (That’s what he says anyway. I don’t think he ever tells the truth) She actually followed me, hit his car and threatened him because she thought he was seeing me. Which sort of made me feel superior in a sick way after what I went through. I suppose that was part of the game though, to make me feel valued so he could drop me on my head again.

It gets worse. I am feeling really lonely and he turned on the charm. I slept with him and not just once. It was almost like I was now the other woman. Now the discard is coming again. He doesn’t have time, she might find out, blah blah blah. Not answering my emails. The whole gamut of what they do to make you feel like trash.

I am devastated that I let this happen out of loneliness and still having that feeling of wanting him to actually love me. My screwed up emotions were saying ” look he really does care about you and wants you back!” My head knows better. He doesn’t care about me at all, I am just a tool. He is a user, no one matters to him, least of all me. He tossed me out like I was trash and I still want him to love me? I feel like I will never get over this sick addiction to him. I need to move on but don’t know how to stop from being sucked in by him.

I wonder exactly what is wrong with me that I have been such a fool for someone who isn’t worth anyone’s time or breath.

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Fovhth September 14, 2014

Thank you for replying 🙂

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Fovhth September 14, 2014

So talk to me about the desire in a victim to out the narcissist to his new woman and friends who think he walks on water? Is there a psychological benefit to standing up to him this way in the name of protecting the next person or letting him know he cannot get away with it and feeling like you have stood up for yourself and wasn’t bullied into silence? Or would it be the worst thing you can do to yourself.

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    Kim Saeed September 14, 2014

    Fovhth,

    The desire to “out” the Narcissist is very common. However, it rarely turns out the way one envisions. It usually ends up backfiring…

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      Anonymous September 14, 2014

      Totally backfires, however, after I outed him to his gF, he turns around and is going to marry her! But I feel that it’s the reason why I’m finally getting closure because she will finally see the true him once she lives with him.

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        Fovhth September 14, 2014

        That is exactly my feeling on it. I have a very good friend who was just discarded by a narcissistic man and she just keeps talking about how this was abuse (which I understand completely) and that outing him is saying I won’t be quiet (there is a past history of childhood abuse so she has linked them together and that speaking out now will be a strengthening act). My gut tells me it is the worst thing she can do because exactly that it will not ever be what she is envisioning and somehow it will backfire and just rip the scab off the wound. I was just curious in how it turns out for people who may have gone down that road for similar reasons. I want to understand it so I can explain why I feel so strongly this is not a good idea in terms that really take in the psychology behind it for someone who has really had this experience. Or be told she is right and I am wrong if that is what people experience

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      Susan September 14, 2014

      Hi
      I wrote some things a few days ago which you did reply and I am grateful! I feel I need to say a little more about my situation! I’ve read the last few posts and theirs as well as your posts are exactly what my life has been for the past five years. Everything started out nice, he left me little notes, packed my lunch, text me sweet things (all of which were lies ) and then one day he asked me how much salt I was going to put on my food, and don’t I know not to put my hands on the wall that’s what children do ( we lived together and his steps to the basement has no railing) ( sometimes I would inadvertently put my hand on the wall to stable myself whether I was carrying something downstairs etc), don’t I know u don’t pierce a potato before you put it in the microwave, if I would only listen, there is a right way to do things and so on! This man has been in and out of jail more than I change my underclothes ( which I was unaware of his 30 yr run in with the law between DUI, driving under suspension, domestic violence and so on) but yet he seems to think if I only listen to him my life would be so much better! I’ve endured the physical abuse as well as emotional and yet to this day I still sometimes feel like maybe I pushed him to far! I myself became somewhat of a violent person! I was so distraught at times ( caring for my sick mother and watching her die) I unraveled! There were times I felt I might lose so much control it scared me! It wasn’t until recentl that he started calling me names like wide load and cow ass! Which I am neither! I am not perfect and I did gain a few pounds working full time, going to school and taking care of my mom until she died! I have been exhausted and I started having panic attacks! Last night it dawned on me my mom is no longer here, I am parent less ! I felt an overwhelming amount of fear! I’ve lost everything I knew for 40 yrs of my life, my parents, the house I grew up in! Everything has changed and I don’t even. Know what to do much less who I am anymore! There are times I am so sick of him and then there are times I feel like if I wouldn’t have yelled or become upset or if I would do this or that differently he wouldn’t be this way! Then I think Jesus I’m nuts to think that! You mentioned c-PTSD and I fit a lot of the criteria! I wonder if I am ever going to get through this?! We still live apart but he is still controlling my life and yes I know I allow it! I just don’t know how to stop it because I don’t want to hurt anymore! Losing my mom is still too fresh 8 months tomorrow so I just feel like I can’t do this! I feel like I’m going to sink! I have 11 months of school left and it’s getting very hard to focus! In jan we were in school 2 days when she passed I had to bury her become executor and continue with school , I have been going ever since! I just don’t know how much more I can take and I don’t know what to do! I am totally lost! ,

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Sherry Lawless September 12, 2014

I really needed to stumble on to your blog today! I am amazed at how much I can relate. I was married for 10 years and during the last few years things got out of control. My ex husband got hurt, which put him out of work for 4 years. During that time depression set in, he formed an addiction to pain meds and alcohol which then turned into an addiction to herbal bath salts. The last year of our marriage was unbearable. He was in complete denial, out of his mind, aggressive, mentally abusive, yada..yada..yada. To this day, I don’t know how I did it, but I got my son and me out of the situation and moved away. Within a month of us leaving, he had a new girlfriend, and a new addiction to crack. He refused to move out of the house we owned, so I was paying for the mortgage while him and his girlfriend lived there. That fortunately only lasted about 6 months and he ultimately ended up in jail and now has a felony record.
I carry an enormous amount of guilt over our marriage failing. I go to counseling and have come a long way, but it slips in. It’s been 2 years since I moved away for a new job in a new state and it’s still hard. He has had multiple girlfriends along the way, been in rehab twice without completing, and currently moved in with his latest serious girlfriend. Our divorce is still not final, but he continually asks about it, since he wants to remarry.
Throughout these past two years, it has been a confusing roller coaster. He has attempted to apologize for the the things he did, but then he flips and tells me that I am the one who divorced him and left him. He still blames me for everything!
He has only spent 1 week with our son in two years, and had said his goal was to fly him to spend Christmas with him, but when he realized how much it was going to costs, he said he couldn’t afford to have him there. Yet, I have brought my son to visit him twice on my dime. I don’t understand the selfishness. I think I keep trying to wrap my head around some kind of rational that I know I’ll never get.
It’s very hard getting past the past! I have not dated since I left. Plus, I am a single mom with no family around, so I don’t generally get a day off. I worry about why I haven’t dated. Is it because I am holding on to the past? Is it fear? Low self esteem/worthlessness? I know I’ll get there someday, but I gotta say…a girl gets lonely! 😉 Really appreciate you sharing your story!

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    Kim Saeed September 12, 2014

    Wow, I remember those days, Sherry. Single mom, no one around to lend a helping hand. I finally turned to Care.com, found a great babysitter, and started taking myself out on dates 🙂

    If you get the chance, you may want to try out some of the healing tools here on the site. Guided meditations and reading books by inspirational authors are a good place to start.

    It takes a while to heal, but if you focus on it, it seems to happen more quickly. Best of luck, and thank you for stopping by and commenting!

    ✿♥‿♥✿

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Susan September 11, 2014

I’ve been reading the posts and comments as I too am in an emotionally abusive relationship! I left him 3 times the third time getting my own place! All this while working, taking care of my sick mother and school! I listened every time he would cry and let him back in my life! This weekend we are suppose to go away and for a couple days I haven’t felt good so I suggested he pick up some dinner since he was already out he said sure, then it went to an argument of what to get and why couldn’t I go out and pick it up if I was willing to go over to his house I could surely pick up food! I obviously wasn’t that sick according to him , then he texts me” cheap ass, who do thinks paying for this weekend”. We were going away and having his son and granddaughter come! I don’t even know why I’m so upset! There has been physical abuse and loads of emotional abuse! I just never understood! I buried my mom 8 months ago and everything I grew up and knew is gone and he has been an ass the entire time! Yes it is nones fault but my own but I feel like I can’t move on! We’ve been on tons of vacations which I love but mostly fighting at all of them , and there’s just so much to my story I don’t think I would live long enough to tell it! I am fully aware that he is indeed a sociopath one of the most dangerous kinds so my therapist said which I truly believe her! He reminds me of Ted Bundy! Very charming, good looking, manipulative, lies! He’s an alcoholic also been in and out of trouble with the law for thirty years! BTW he is 50, no changes happening soon for this whatever you call him , he’s definitely not human! So why can’t I walk away? Why do I think about everything he’s done to me and go totally numb? I’m exhausted and feel totally lost and numb

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    Kim Saeed September 12, 2014

    Susan,

    Thank you for reading my blog and for sharing your story.

    There’s a high possibility that you are suffering from trauma-bonding, PTSD, C-PTSD, and addiction to “victim” peptides. Has your therapist mentioned any of these conditions? If not, you may want to suggest them to her so she can begin the work of helping you overcome them.

    Best of luck!

    Kim

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lavandalo September 11, 2014

Hi! I have a question for you! What do you think triggers the devaluation stage in a Narcissist? I mean, i was in a relationship with one for 9 months and I constantly wanted to break it up, he broke up many times and I didn’t, but he always said he was afraid of me not really wanting to be with him… I only saw an insecure man and I wanted to give myself the chance, but it didn’t feel entirely okay. Now that I came back to him once again, now he used me for sex and admitted it… I would’ve thought my early rejections would’ve triggered this, or other situations in which he had me more in love, but it was precisely when we were both asking ourselves if being together was the right choice. In an adult way. THEN he did this to me (while I thought we were reconciling) he admitted he wanted to have sex with me while knowing he wanted to break up. It shocked me, I only cried. And I ask myself… what is it that triggers their most devaluating act? is it when they feel the victim is no longer playing the game or when the victim starts rejecting something about them, when they appear fully in love or when they appear weak and fragile? what do you think?

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dropped like a rock September 11, 2014

I remember my church thinking I was the poorest person on earth. When they found out my husband was one of the richest in town, you can only imagine what they thought. No wonder my husband of 24 years never wanted to go anywhere with me. He knew they would have him figured out. Because we were married I accepted that he was selfish and didn’t share. I didn’t need a fancy car, nice clothes, or vacations. But, when he decided to let me tag along, I felt so good. His “friends” actually wannabes idolize him so much it makes me throw up. When he marries this GF who he left me for, I feel that I will finally get closure because FINALLY someone will get to know the real him. She won’t tell anyone but I will know and she will have to eat her words from the beginning when she had to make herself hate me. Now she knows that just out of the blue he wants to break up. then when she’s had it he comes back. Now that he is marriying her after just getting back to gether after cheating (although he doesn’t consider it cheating becaue he told her he wanted to break up first) she probably thinks that he really does love her because he’s marrying her, just like I did. Only now, the kids won’t inherit anything, she’ll benefit instead

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Jen September 11, 2014

Where do I begin….after 35 years together and him constantly belittling me from my weight to moving his razor, I was unable to do anything right. March 8th 2014 I found out he was having an affair with a Brazilian woman 10 years younger another fitness freak . Early in our marriage I was unfaithful and tired feverishly to make it up to him although a i ever heard was I never let him heal…he was totally self absorbed, always giving himself the best of everything and leaving me was like turning off a lightswitch. he kept telling me he just couldn’t think and then would change his story to telling me how the new gf is everything. I found a secret phone with him professing how she was everything and his princess, same thing he called me..this went on even up until our divorce he saud he was breaking up with her several times but I was harrassing him and didn’t give him time to explain things to her, thus my fault again why he didn’t break it off….This person is supposedly a psychologist and lawyer in Brazil, no papers and has lots of $$$$..he has very little to do with our kids…all of this is because he said he has never been happy. Does someone really wait 26 years to punish someone, I told him I forgave him when I found out but his story changed again from he couldn’t walk away to he had committed the ultimate betrayal. this has left me feeling totally disabled. prior to this he would throw comments in such as there isn’t much of a market fir women your age to perfect the one you’re with, to you look sexy one minute to you need to loose weight another. I have lost 40 lbs. after leaving no longer having to gear his constant belittling comments.. it has been a rollercoaster of emotions for us all. He even went as to tell his family. My neighbors saw him leave and I was defending him just being with his friends, I gave him complete freedom never questioning his schedule, he only works 3 days a week so plenty of time for his so called boredom.The lies have been endless , I’m just having a hard time with acceptance after the brainwashing I have experienced his other classic comment was if I ever found anyone I would tell you….looking back this comment alone is crazy. When I received the text back in Oct that he didn’t want to be married and didn’t love me anymore i should have been more aware of what was happening. if anyone else sees the warning signs be smart, don’t give them the benefit if the doubt, if your head tells you something isn’t right, you aren’t the crazy one.

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Caitlin September 8, 2014

Wow your blog has been so incredibly helpful to me. I was with my ex for 5 years until I finally couldn’t take it and I left him after he stole money from me, cheated on me, was in and out of jail, couldn’t hold a job, drinking heavily and doing drugs, and just treated me so badly.

However, after I broke up with him for the next 2 years he changed everything about himself and just became this whole new person and kept telling me how much he loved me and that he couldn’t be with anyone else. His family was telling me that they have never seen him love someone as much as he loved me or even tried to be with someone as much as me. It seemed as if I was his entire world, he never even had tried this hard in the beginning. He had just become the most amazing person I have ever known and claimed to me and to everyone that he did this for me. We remained very close for those two years as well. So I took him back even though I felt in the back of my head it was probably not a good idea because I didn’t really trust him.

Within about a 3 month span he quit being the person he was being for those two years, he stopped all efforts, started doing drugs again, and drinking heavily again, he told me that I made him miserable, that I was the reason that he was drinking so bad again, he told me that I was too controlling and expected to much of him and he couldn’t be himself. He told me that it hurt him that I couldn’t trust him even though I was starting to catch him talking to other girls again. But at the same time he wanted to have a baby with me I was so confused by everything. (I actually got pregnant but had a very early miscarriage) Then the day came that he told me he just couldn’t be with me anymore because he did not want me the way he thought he did. The next thing I knew he was with this girl that was his really good friend for a while. She had just got out of a really bad relationship with her previous boyfriend. My ex use to tell me how bad he would treat her and how she would let him do whatever he wanted. My ex would always say how crazy he thought it was that she would allow her boyfriend to treat her in that way. I always would say well that’s how you treated me and he would say he knew and he felt really bad about it.

They started dating immediately so I stopped talking to him. Within a month of dating she was pregnant and they were so happy, they flaunted it everywhere on all social media. I was so upset because he wanted a baby with me and left me while I was miscarrying. However, he still kept trying to contact me and kept wanting to spend time with me. Which confused me even more. I broke no contact and slowly but surely became the “other woman”. I feel trapped because I continue to want him and love him. Even though I know he doesn’t love me. He is very happy with her and they had there baby and they are like this perfect family. But for the entire year that they have been together he contacts me. I’m wondering when he will stop doing that it drives me crazy! He has to stop soon I mean he left me for her! They have a baby together but he still won’t leave me alone. He always seems to come back even after not talking for a few months.

Finally about a week ago I told him never to talk to me again, and that I hated him and I didn’t want anything to do with him. He said okay and I have not heard from him since. However, we have gone about 4 months without talking. But I’m hoping that he won’t contact me after me telling him how much I hated him.

I’m so sorry for the long post but I just feel like I have been stuck in this prison almost a decade and we aren’t even together anymore.

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    Caitlin September 8, 2014

    Sorry I wanted to clarify the longest we have ever gone without talking is 4 months. We started talking again after that and then a week ago I told him all of those things.

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    Kim Saeed September 8, 2014

    Caitlin, I am sorry about your painful past with this guy, but glad to know you’re finally out of that relationship.

    If you really want to move on without fear of his contacting you, the best thing to do is block him from everything: phone, SMS, email, and all social media avenues. Until you do that, you’ll always be in a sort of limbo, as it seems you are in now. Your subconscious mind is aware that at any moment, there’s the possibility that he will send a message or call, and you won’t be able to move forward in life successfully. It’s literally an invisible prison we build for ourselves. But, you have the power to prevent that by blocking him.

    Even though he hasn’t contacted you, you’re not really in NC because he still has the ability to reach out if he so decides. Take your power back and block him so you can move on.

    Reply
    dropped like a rock September 8, 2014

    Be glad you do not have children with him. N have a way of causing competition to create jealousy and it’s tortuous. I was with my ex for 25 years. He was always so convincing. Finally his sister moved in with us for a year and told me that he tries working the kids against me. It wasn’t until they had a chance to live with him after the divorce that they realized I wasn’t the enemy and the best part? They told me that him and his gf(now fiance) have a shallow relationship and she tries to make him jealous, she does the boo-hoo me on social media when she’s mad at him. and actually invited one of my daughters over to introduce her to her date! 2 weeks later she’s back with my ex. I told her to keep my kids out of her drama and she sent my ex my email and told him that she’s done with him. He asked her to marry him 2 months later. I guess that’s what happened to me. I kept thinking that he must love me because he is marrying me even though he acts like I’m an inconvenience when we’re together. blah blah blah. I know what it’s like behind closed doors and I truly did not feel closure until I found out they were getting married. And it’s been 6 years since he left me to go rescue her from a cheating husband. I think the reason why is because I’ve tried so hard to make people see that evil side of him and they never will. She will finally meet his evil twin once they move in together, but she’ll never tell. I will know.
    It’s more important for N to impress strangers than people close to them. She’s not a stranger anymore.
    What hurts me is that he became so rich while were married but was able to hide it. I did receive money but nothing compared to what she’ll get when he dies. I basically got a year’s salary from him. I always thought my children would get his assets so I took out a life insurance policy so at least they get some from me. He takes her to so many places. But, they don’t speak when they return and I hear through the grapevine that he ignored her on the trip. But, people don’t hear that.

    Anyway, what I find is that I feel like I’m rambling because there is no short explanation. We refuse to believe that the love wasn’t real because it looks like they are loving someone else. But, they don’t. In my case, the gf only saw him on the weekends every other weekend. He has to work hard at being nice. And once a week he could do. 7 days a week, not a chance. If she wouldn’t have been so mean to me in the beginning, I would stick up for her when his friends make fun of her to me.

    Reply
anonymous 89 September 7, 2014

I was in a relationship with my ex N for 2 yrs…it’s crazy that I’d seen signs of him being unstable yet I continued to be with him because I thought my love and support for him would make him change! Man oh man was I wrong. 🙁 He was “Awesome” in the beginning….I thought I’d finally met a great guy. We’d talk about anything and everything. ..dates were always nice and fun…and we’d hit it off well! After a few months of dating “honeymoon” phase one particular night we went out to a movie and dinner then after that I went home. Well when I got home I didn’t call him immediately and he was mad & said ” I guess you don’t like me”. Which was shocking to me because things had been going great. He ignored me for several days after that and because he has me wrapped around his finger unbeknownst to me…I called until I got through and that’s when things took a turn for the worst.

We started having intercourse…. few months after that he moved in with me. Big mistake I know! Shortly after him moving in he got me pregnant but I lost the baby. … then the name calling and belittling began. He told me I’d lost the baby on purpose and that I was a horrible mother to my 1st child. (Not his) But I only lost the baby because I got sick & the doc prescribed me some meds that wasn’t safe during pregnancy. I was really early in my 1st trimester so…it went undetected on the test. Come to think about it. ..I believe God was warning me bit I didn’t listen. So going through this emotional time and dealing with my N I still had hope that he change. & we tried for another baby…and it worked! So months were rolling by I had been jumped on, choked, slapped, called out of my name many times accused of cheating when if I wasn’t at work or school I was with him and even spit on. I had become so deep into this relationship that I didn’t know how to get out! I had become a victim of narcissistic abuse. Sad some of this stuff my oldest son had been a witness to. Im angry at myself for allowing him to stay in our lives for so long. Im skipping parts because it would be a book by the time I got finished. The baby came January of this year and he was supportive. ..smh at least thats what I thought! But really me just depending on him for everything is why he stayed around I was on complete bedrest 5/9 months of my pregnancy so I was perfect for his supply. Shortly after the baby was born. …. not even 2 months ltdr….he began seeing another woman. Who I known nothing about until I looked on social media one day! I confronted him & of course he denied it. So out of devastation msg her on Fb and we argued back and forth. She Tells Me shes Pregnant. …so im wondering where in heck she came from and how long was she around???

I took him back after a month of separation. …and he swore up and down that she was a fling and she wasn’t pregnant! (He’s such a Liar) A few mnths went by and we rekindled things. .so I thought. This girl or any other girl seemed to had disappeared. WRONG AGAIN. ..one day. He says you have to put that girl in her place! He told me she had been calling n texting. ..and talking about our son & myself. ..he hated her and wanted nothing to do with her. (Lied Again) So now I was enraged and I called her. She starts telling me alllll about what he’s said about me and 98 % was a lie.

I had then realized that I’d been discarded. He denied everything no matter faced with truth. ..he’s so cold he lies straight to your face. Anywho in the back of my head I knew he was lying. ..of course I didn’t want to believe it. Just a week ago he was begging me to be with him but I didn’t and as soon as I said no. He was with her a couple hours later. And she texted my phone to make sure I knew that. I tried to warn her and told her about him but she thinks I’m the crazy ex and it only made it look even more like that because we were still messing around. Just saw a pic of her on fb and she is indeed pregnant. 5 months and having a boy! Smh I just hate that I was used lied to and manipulated! So just last night he starts an argument calling and texting me telling me how mad he was and upset he was that I left & it hurt him. But the whole relationship was a lie based on his intention. So after arguing back and forth. .. he didn’t text for about 8 hours. Then starts texting again saying disrespectful hurtful things. ..didn’t really bother me so I lashed out and responded strong as if I didn’t care which after I applied the no contact rule for a week I actually started not to care! He tells me to leave him alone and to get a DNA test for our child that we planned! He’s with his wife now! & she believes everything he says even when I gave her plenty of proof before that he wasn’t being truthful.

Does this sound like NPD or was. I jst a fool??
I’m already working on getting myself back and I feel free…however I just need to know if I’m onto Something or just got Played

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    Kim Saeed September 9, 2014

    Anon, I’m not able to make diagnoses for NPD, but I can say he exhibits some of the traits. That’s a very common question, though. The more important one would be, how does/did he make you feel? If he lied, was dishonest, played you, he doesn’t deserve your affection either way.

    You’re not a fool. You’re in a very good place to completely detach from this toxic relationship and begin healing. Wishing you all the best in your recovery. I hope you’ll have the chance to experiment with some of the healing tools on the site.

    Reply
Veronica September 4, 2014

Can I ask why my husband (long distance relationship) denies his other woman to me when everyone where he lives knows he has a woman? When I confronted him about this and other misdemeanours he basically abused me down the phone and hang up. Sent nasty texts telling me to ‘fix up and find another man’ etc. I have implemented NC for 3 weeks now but he has texted me since asking how our 9 month daughter is – I have not replied. Then 3 days later ‘I am so sorry for being a monster and I know you must hate me’ – Still I did not respond. The OW knows all about me. She gives him money which her boyfriend (In USA) sends her weekly and she gives it to my husband, who I stopped sending money to when I started to realise what he was up to. What I can’t get over is she has a man anyway. Please may you answer. Many thx!

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    Kim Saeed September 4, 2014

    Veronica,

    In most cases, men will not confess to having a lover, whether Narcissistic or not. (Nor a woman who is having an affair). When we find ourselves wondering why they lie, it’s because we are projecting our own moral code and values onto them. It’s better to accept that there are people who aren’t like us.

    The nasty then nice texts are a form of crazy-making. Most all of them do that, especially the overt types. It’s also a way of gaining Narcissistic supply, as well as hoovering. It’s great that you’re not responding, because to engage with them in any way rewards this twisted behavior.

    I know what they are doing seems unacceptable to you, but there are large segments of society who don’t live by societal and/or moral values. It’s better to simply protect yourself from these people. If you don’t have a custody arrangement set up, then go apply for custody. If he isn’t around to visit his daughter, that may work in your favor. Then, make the leap and block him so that he can no longer keep you enmeshed in his twisted world.

    Reply
      v3ronicavida September 4, 2014

      Thank you for yr reply. I just feel the need to redeem myself to his family as he has told them that ‘I need help’ etc etc. There’s so much I could go into but it’s just a waste of energy and you probably heard it before but It’s clear that my wanting him back ( a few weeks ago) seems to reflect some inner issues that I probably have. And my ego. I know he treats his OW badly at times. So my only revenge (which I can’t help wanting) is to move on and be a success in my own right!
      Thank you for your blog, it helps so much.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 4, 2014

        Veronica,

        I know how you feel. My Ex smeared my reputation to his family, too. According to him, I was a drug-addicted, alcoholic slut who went dumpster-diving for my meals.

        I finally got to the point where I didn’t care what he was saying about me. You are right, the best revenge is a life well-lived!

        Thank you for your kind comments and for reading my blog <3

        Reply
Lina September 1, 2014

I just recently realized my ex is a narcissist. Its been a year since the official breakup we were together 5 years engaged. On the first night he hooked up with the OW he brought her to our bed. Hid the affair for 2 months and then dumped me saying it my fault because I’m too demanding and difficult. I was helping him for 5 years, financially, emotionally (although he never let me get too close) and he just dropped me like trash. The OW, nothing like me, I’m educated, very beautiful and I consider myself a woman of taste. The ow..uneducated, unattractive, but the kind of girl who’s obviously been passed around a lot, she actually looks really old when in fact she’s in her 20’s. I can’t get over this….makes even less sense and more difficult to understand why would he leave me for someone like that..but I guess she’s new and shiny to him..and obviously gives it all up straight away. Anyway…after he left he came back and I took him back. lasted 6 months..no remorse. My crying actually annoyed him. After a while he dumped me for her again (again hid the affair for a month before coming clean and leaving). No contact for 3 months…then we ran into each other on the street…started up again. He told me he cheated on the other girl, but there was no sex involved so in his book its not really cheating. He was also saying crap about her and actually taking pleasure from her angry outburst and misery when he ended it. I knew it was wrong…I told him but he refused to cut contact with her. 2 months and guess what…he’s back with her again.Ladies don’t be fooled and take them back…they have no soul and every time they do this which they will, you will just feel more and more crap. I’m slowly moving on now…blaming myself for being such an idiot. The only thing I can’t let go of is the idea that he will stay loyal to her this time and that they might actually be happy. My logic tells me no way, and knowing how he is and how he cares about nothing but himself and his own needs. But I still feel sick that it had to be her…

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sallyamore2014 August 29, 2014

I’m enjoying reading your archives, and I just have to laugh out loud at some of the things you state about the characteristics of the narcissist because they are so right on. I was blind when I left my relationship last October. I knew he was a liar and a cheat, but I had no idea how cold and unfeeling he really was until he met his new supply and no longer needed anything from me. I was not familiar with narcissism, and when I began to read about it, I was so happy to find material that spoke so clearly to me. Truly, I felt as if I had struck gold. I read everything I could and educated myself in order to find strength and make sense of it all. My N. was in another committed relationship within 5 weeks to a woman with lots of $$$ who fell head over heels in love with him. This was during the holiday season. It hurt like hell, but all I could think of was live it up now honey because a year from now the man you think you have fallen in love with will not be there, maybe physically, but he won’t emotionally because he never was there to begin with. It’s easy to think the other woman has it better, and in the beginning she does. You are so right, just give it time—they may be together for years to come, but the hell isn’t worth it, and there will be hell. All the narcissist has to give is pain, and he’ll bring her down just like all the rest. She’ll learn who he is, as we all do, eventually.

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Jeannine August 24, 2014

I have just found this blog and it is helping me come to terms with what has just happened to me. I have been married for 17 years to a man who I believe has borderline personality disorder, together with depression and suicidal tendencies. To cut a long story short, there was infidelity and verbal abuse and eventually I could no longer deal with the angry outbursts and the temper tantrums over the most minute things. My soon to be ex husband is in therapy again and I hope that things will improve. A lot of what is written here makes me think that he also had NPD. HOWEVER, to top it all off, I had an affair (yes, I know I was wrong) with a man who swept me off my feet. I was so desperately lonely and unhappy in my marriage and tried so hard to make it work with no help from my husband that I literally fell into the arms of another man. This man entered into my world and made me feel as though I had finally met my soul mate – I couldn’t believe my luck. He was so kind, caring and attentive. It was initially an online relationship and then I visited him in the UK and he visited me twice in The Netherlands – he was amazing in every way. I did notice however that he was not so forthright in his emotions, although he did tell me tons about his childhood (father abandoned him, was in foster care, tried to kill himself twice as a teenager) my nurturing came in (same as my husband who also came from a neglectful childhood). This man gave me the strength to walk out of my marriage and he promised me the world. I then moved back to my home country of South Africa and this new man promised he would return in a few months as well (also South African) He was so good to me, sent me flowers and chocolates for my birthday and texted me and phoned me and said he couldn’t wait to move back to be with me.

He told me he loved me every single day and that I was his first true love and that nobody would ever compare to me. That I was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with – reading all this now makes me embarrassed and ashamed that I believed everything he said. He was so different to my husband and listened to me and seemed too good to be true. I was broken from an unhappy marriage and I fell hook, line and sinker. We were intimate physically and also many online sex texting etc. The physical feelings that I experienced I have never had before in my life, so I wrongly assumed this was the one. He even said he wanted to marry me and sent pictures of places were we could marry and said as soon as both of us were free we would marry.

He told me he was living separate lives from his wife and that they were in separate rooms and that they were together only for the children. He seemed like such a decent and kind man even on the open public FB forums that we frequented and where we met.

His communication however began to wane recently and I questioned him on this. I told him that I cold deal with this to a degree but I needed more from him. I gave him a chance to leave and he never wanted it – told me he so wanted us. This was on Monday last week. Called me babe, lover, honey, hun, sexy, telling me I love you that entire week. He even told a friend of mine last Friday that she must make sure that no man steals his love. On that same Friday, my husband and I had a major argument with regards to visitation with our children as my son refused to go to my husbands house – I was in a state and asked my new man to please phone me as I really needed him. He said he was unable as he was off site and could only phone later – I was annoyed as I was in a real state and needed his support. I never heard from him that entire night, nor the next morning. That afternoon I got a message saying it’s over and he cannot do this anymore. I asked his reasoning and he said he will not give up his life in the UK. A few days previous he told me that he loved me with all his heart and that never will he stop loving me. I then asked him whether he still loved me (remember the day before he loved me) – he then said, not anymore. I immediately deleted his number off my phone and a few hours later, I unfriended him on FB. I was devastated and humiliated. The next morning when I checked my FB, he had blocked me. It was a very very tough weekend last week. It feels like a double whammy with a difficult divorce and now this. I made no contact with him for the entire week and had no intention of contacting him. He however had tried on two occasions to contact a friend of mine (who he has recently befriended because of me and her being friends) she was the one who he asked must make sure no other man steals me. She ignored both his attempts. Then on Friday this friend of mine said that my man had contacted her again. He asked if she could please pass a message onto me. He wanted her to tell me that he has had a girlfriend for the last 5 weeks and this new woman is on the same level as him – she is 28 and he is 44. I am 41. To say I was stunned is an understatement. During this supposed 5 weeks that he has had this new girl, he has been sending me naked pics of himself, sex texting me, declaring his love for me, telling me he cannot wait to be here in South Africa on the beach with me and my kids, telling me he loves me and my children and that he loves me with his heart. He even told me a week previous that he had turned down a promotion at work because he was moving to be with me.

I had left him and ignored him – he wanted to hurt me by making sure that I knew he has this new woman. He even sent a picture of her to my friend to pass onto me. I have never felt so betrayed and actually flummoxed at what happened. And my friend asked me why he wanted me to know all this – she said that I had left him alone, ignored him and deleted all his details, why the need for me to know this stuff. His answer – I want to make sure that she doesn’t contact me. I never contacted him, i left him alone.

Since then I have no idea if anything that he told me was true. I have actually sent an apology letter to his wife. I said I have no idea what is true now or not (apparently he had told her about me) – I said I was under the impression that they were separated, but that may have been lies too. I offered her my deepest sympathies and said I was ashamed and that I am so so sorry. I also told her that she deserves better than a man who betrays like this and I hope that she finds happiness one day. They have been married for 22 years.

I am still reeling and not sure which way to turn. I do feel as though I am having withdrawal symptoms right now and its the most awful feeling. Thank you for listening to my LOOOOOONG post – it has certainly helped to put it down on paper. Was I dealing with a narc here. A friend of mine whose husband was a narc and threw her out after 16 years, has assured me he is. Any advice would be welcomed. Thanks again 🙂

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2014

    Jeannine, thank you for sharing your story. I know how heart-wrenching that must have been.

    Your Ex does seem to exhibit many of the traits of a Narcissist, but I’m not a psychologist, so am unable to make an official diagnosis. However, the main point isn’t really whether he’s disordered, but that he treated you very unfairly and cruelly.

    You are correct in observing that the end of the relationship feels like withdrawal, because that’s what it is in many ways. There are psychological and biochemical addictions to overcome in the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship. If you’d like to get over those feelings of withdrawal and betrayal, it will take time and a lot of self-work. It won’t really go away on its own. If you haven’t already, you may find benefit from some of the healing tools I have listed on my site. Meditations, cutting energy ties, reading books by some of the authors I suggested, etc. Those things are a good place to start.

    Best of luck, Jeannine. I’ve been where you are now, but the good news is that if you turn your focus onto your recovery and are consistent, you will heal.

    Reply
Anonymous August 23, 2014

I was discarded after a 10 year relationship. The funny thing is, I am in the mental health field and my best friend has written many books on cluster b individuals so you would have thought someone would have figured this out, only he isolated me a bit. Now I realize that because of what I do I was a huge conquest and fooling my friend was also a huge high for him.
My story isnt that much different then the others, but I am sad. Just started going to therapy 2 weeks ago. I told her my story and BAM she told me, ” your ex never loved you, will never love you and doesnt miss you. Your ex is a cluster B male, a psychopath, a narcissist.”. Ouch, hit me hard, but then it made so much sense. I have spent the last 2 weeks reading everything i can to understand this, it has also helped me to read this material when I start to miss him, which brings me back to reality. It has also helped me to think of him an object as opposed to a human being, because lets face it, true people dont treat others like that. It is like I have an imaginary friend. All the memories I have belong to me alone, it is no longer us, but just me.
He sent me a text yesterday morning to let me know he is going to be a grandfather. I responded with “congratulations, Im sure this must be a very confusing time for you”. His response was “yes it is, thanks”. My hope is that with my unemotional flat response will send him away for good.
He has humiliated me. Slept with my coworkers (we work for the same agency). His kids knew his cheating ways, as did his friends; as did I, but his charm and manipulation would bring me back in and I would put all the red flags on the back burner. This was an ongoing process for 10 years. He is now in the idealization phase with someone else who has children. Part of me wants to warn her, but this will be no good because he will just tell her that I am crazy, so hopefully she will catch on quicker then I did.
Throughout our relationship I called him on his lack of emotion i would often tell him he is like an empty shell. I think making these statements set me up for a bigger and more devastating discard, it made him dislike me more. About 2 months ago I made the statement to him ” you are no good for me”, he looked at me with the strangest look and said ” i known Im not.”
So now I am healing. Its hard. I have a huge void in my heart but I need to be careful how I fill it, he would like to to be in destructive ways, but I will not allow that as I dont want to give him that power. For the first time in 10 years, I am the priority. Again, its hard. I would give anything for this to be different, for him to be human and have feelings, to at least be told I was truly loved by him, buts its never going to happen.
Someday I want to have to opportunity to tell him who he is, but of course he will probably look at me very flatly and say “im sorry you feel that way” or something close to that, again putting it back on him.

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Jayne August 21, 2014

I am so glad I’ve just read your article, my N bf of 2 years left me last week for another woman. We have an 18month old son, yes I got caught by his charm, saying and doing all the right things. But that didn’t last the abuse started once I became pregnant, the fatter I became to worse his comments became – things like – I can’t make love to you while your so fat. I’m sure he had many other women during our relationship as sex was non existent once I’d given him what he wanted – a son! But When he left last week he said he still would like another baby with me but wanted to be bf to this other girl (who is 10years younger than him) and still wants to come round to mine at weekends for family days with our son (because he thinks he’s a great dad but in fact he just cherry picks the bits he wants to do, never helped at night, never made a meal, doesn’t like being left on his own with him, on the occasions I did he hounded me with messages to hurry back or not to b late etc) he knows how much I wanted more children as we both discussed wanting two/three children during the honeymoon period. He’ told me a few weeks ago that if I don’t decide to have another baby with him soon he will have to find someone else because he wants more than 1 child. My concern is that he is adamant he wants more children and I’m worried he has hooked up with this younger lady to have another baby (during a recent conversation he said because at 37 I was getting too old and had more risk of problems during pregnancy) I’m only on day 3 of no contact as seeing him flaunt his new gf all over social media ( he is obsessed with social media , it fuels his ego and he paints a picture of himself that isn’t him at all) was just too much to bare. I still need to maintain contact because of our son, but I’m so worried for this other girl that she’s falling into the same trap . Do I warn her? That just looks like the angry ex? I’m so worried more children and lives are going to b ruined. How do I stop the destruction he is causing? Fair enough he’s probably going to continue having short term relationships but to get children involved is just heartbreaking. He has had many short term relationships ( often with single mums, me included) and has erectile dysfunction,. The short lived relationships has been his life, using his dysfunction as an excuse for women not staying around. I am his longest relationship (2years) and this is the first time a child is involved but I’m so worried there is soon to be more with his new woman as he worries about age and getting too old , he worries about how rare he gets an erection during sex and wants more children before it’s too late, it just has panic button written all over it, like me – convince her to get pregnant quick before the erections stop. He’s already told me she wants more children and it will b sooner rather than later,. Do I warn her? It’s like a carbon copy of the start of our relationship 2 years ago. What a mess!!

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 21, 2014

    Jayne, thank you for reading my blog and for commenting. Typically, there isn’t a good outcome when attempting to warn the new girlfriend. As you suggested, he will use the event to try to make you seem unstable. If she comes around to you asking questions, that’s a bit different. The best thing to do would be to let this guy go and focus on you and your child. Best of luck, Jayne <3

    Reply
aka.help August 19, 2014

kim I have been reading all of your advice. its amazing, I, on the other hand am a very different story. I need help. iv been in an abusive relationship for 4 years…each year is worse. right at this moment I have bruses all on my arms, back, an shoulders. a huge cut down my side from being pushed. and a mental state I cant explain. he hates me an wants me to leave…I have somewhere to go if I truly need. I cant seem to let myself leve him. I don’t know why. I love him , an care for him. iv lost ALL my friends. an I have a 1 year old nephew iv seen twice. im terrified on a daily basis. you would think I would leave. I don’t know why I don’t. I don’t have money for counsling. an I know too many people where I live to try to get free help. I want to leave him on my own if possible. kim, I honestly want to be happy an free. im coming to you because I have no other resources. maybe you could explain more on why I wont leave…when he is begging me to, he tells me everyday he hates me, im stupid, fat, ugly, usless, an other names that I will not repeat. when he tells me to leave…all I do is cry. I know I can move home. but I have no job no car no friends. so I would be stuck in misery. you would think im in misery now. in my head, being home is more miserable. yet theres no physical abuse there. kim, im scared on day, I may not wake up from his hit. or worse, im scared I could turn on myself. please, if you have any resources, or advice, kind words even. I need them.
..aka.help

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2014

    aka, there are many reasons why you feel you can’t leave him, but part of it is that you are likely holding out for some type of validation from him. Especially if you were emotionally neglected or abused as a child (though you didn’t mention that). It’s also highly possible that you are suffering from Stockholm syndrome and/or trauma bonding.

    I wish you would reconsider getting help from a licensed therapist, even a free one from a domestic violence center. You do not deserve to be treated this way…at all. Until then, I hope you will also reconsider moving home. There is no real chance of healing or being free until you remove yourself from the toxic environment you are in. Then, once you’ve had some time away from the abuse, you might think about finding a job so you won’t feel so trapped.

    aka, I am giving you the number for the Domestic Violence hotline. It’s completely free and confidential. I think just being able to talk to someone will help you. 1-800-799-7233. Please call them. It may completely change your life…

    Reply
      singlemomsuccess2013 September 7, 2014

      Hello aka.help You need to visit your local domestic violence shelter (DV shelter) and make a plan for safe exit strategy. You also need to have some legal stuff filed, i.e. restraining orders, and get help such as a placement where a) he can’t get to you and b) there are case workers with all the right tools, keys, and referral networks to help you out. Support groups can be helpful. It is only a coincidence that I found Kim’s page and discovered the psychology of narcissism. Previously I just thought it meant someone who loved himself, like an egotist. But it is actually an abuser who preys on caring people who are less of a player, street smart, or just simply more naive and intuitive-based. I still remember mine asking me ‘Are you more of a thinker or a feeler’ and all the times he talked about playing me, to my face. Just remember to go easy on yourself, and trust in yourself again, forgive, heal, and love yourself no matter what ‘faults’ you think you have, acknowledge that this is who you are, and accept it. I think Narcissists do not accept us and key into our weakness of heart or mind here on this issue, and attack our self-esteem strategically. As feedback to Kim: this is exactly what happened to me, as described in your blog entry. It’s an exact retelling of my story, and odd since my story is pretty unique. Just a different name, and a different place, huh? I want to thank you for creating this blog. I’d begun to think I was completely crazy. I heard about narcissism through a DV shelter actually, which is where I ended up. I hope that aka.help will go to one and then take steps to escape safely. Remember, no matter what you cannot reason with them, they only have self-interest at heart and will viciously defend themselves in revenge. It’s funny because he (and his family who supports his narcism) used to say that I was the vengeful one because of some astrology something or other. But I’m not. I know he did a lot of these entrapments because he was angry about being rejected. spot on kim. Thanks to all who share.

      Reply
      Anonymous December 13, 2014

      Dear aka, I hope that you always remember one thing about the abuse that you are currently enduring it is a horrible thing that’s happening to you . I have been experienceing this kind of treatment for several years now because of. A one night stand basically . I have learned that you need to have a reverse thinking about the abuse .. When he says something to hurt your feelings like your ugly you need to think your beautiful .. The reason because if your were not already beautiful there would be no reason for him to tell you that your not . Also remember that when you first met he thought you were attractive … He just wants you to believe the worse about yourself .. But please don’t .. I hope this helps .. The other thing you need to always remember is that God loves you and please talk to Him everyday about it He will listen . And journal write it down …. I can’t explain it but this does help .. But remember who you were before you met him your beautiful , your loving your kind otherwise he would have never gone for you himself … Bless you all …. Hope this helps …

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    Anonymous January 9, 2015

    That’s EXACTLY what the ex did, only he married her. The double insult to the above described devastation was that she had pretended to be a friend for years. They weren’t strangers by any means. He left Sept 13, and was married Nov 1st. hard telling how long they had been messing around. I know she didn’t get any type of prize, he hadn’t worked any real job in 9 years, him and I actually stayed in a tent in her and her ex’s backyard and rented a room from them as well. I figured when they split up he’d swoop in, nailed it. She lost her kids when she married him, against DHS, and last I heard in july they were homeless. Hmm, definite pattern. She might think she knows him, but give it another year or 2, his true colors will surface

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Erica August 7, 2014

I can’t put into words how grateful I am to find your site. I am almost positive my ex is a narc…we were together almost 7 years. I have three kids, my youngest is also his daughter. They’re 9, 7 and 3. When I first met him, I was instantly infatuated. He was an obsession, which I quickly thought was love. From the beginning he was emotionally abusive….I remember the first time he blew up on me over something totally ridiculous…And ended with me crying and wondering what the hell is wrong with him. But, I didn’t take that as a warning. I took it as I would love him and show him a devotion and love he’s never felt before and he would change. We fought all the time. He was almost delusional. If things were going great, he would find a reason to be mad at me. I have always been the one to blame for all of his issues, always. Never him. And if he did say it was his fault, he would also remind me it was because he stayed with me instead of leaving me. For so many years all I wanted was for him to love me. On and off our entire relationship I’ve caught him talking to women online, I found several dating website profiles of his. There was a time when he fell for a girl at work. He always made me feel like he wanted everyone but me. It was really as if he hated me and everything to do with me. He’s always hopped from job to job, with periods of unemployment..of course, my fault. He lost his license before we got together due to getting two DUIs, and he has always been addicted to marijuana…in order to try and get his license back he had to stay sober for at least six months. I couldn’t fathom the thought of him not high, because this always made the abuse worse and I didn’t want to put my kids though even more of this crap. So I told him I don’t think I could handle him withdrawing from pot, because when he was really high was the only times I could deal with him. He has always had serious anger issues and anxiety, and would get mad over every little thing. He couldn’t handle ANY amount of stress…And just made things so much worse than what they had to be all the time. So I have known for several years I couldn’t deal with this anymore but could never bring myself to leave him. He talked badly to me, to my kids about me and to his friends and family about how I was so horrible. He called me names almost on a daily basis and was physically abusive at times…And never really cared if the kids were around watching anytime he was really pissed. It was like nothing else mattered, he was mad and wasn’t going to let it go for anything. I know during our relationship I had made mistakes, and anytime he was really unhappy with me (which was almost always) I wanted to fix the issue. It was like I could never measure up no matter what I did…but after time went on, the way I treated him wasn’t the same in the beginning because he had hurt me so much. He did things that I couldn’t imagine doing to someone you truly love. When I say delusional…it was like there were times he either grossly exaggerated an issue and sometimes would even be totally off base, and I would think what? That’s not even the case, or what the hell is he talking about?!
So…three weeks ago tmw is when he left me. He said he just couldn’t deal with the way I treated him anymore. I texted him on that Fri morn while he was on his break at work to ask if he needed me to bring him food or cigs or cold meds bc he was sick the day before. His reply was ..I’m moving out today. We are so over. I can’t deal with you anymore. He was always saying he was going to move out, so a part of me didn’t really think he would. So after work he came home, got all of his things and left. I should also add, he has two other daughters he barely sees or talks to (it was this way before we were together as well) When he has seen them it’s because their mothers had been in touch with me and made arrangements which REALLY pissed him off. He blamed me for him not being able to see his girls, which was crazy because I was the only one it seemed most times trying to set up visits etc.The week he left, his oldest daughter’s mom messaged me asking if we wanted to set up a time to visit soon. She has expressed to me several times that she was so happy when we got together, because she trusted their daughter with me. The day he left, before he left he screamed at me about me talking to her, because he did I was just trying to sabotage his relationship with his daughter and come in between them…what..??!! So, to try to shorten this up a bit, it ended up he found another woman. He stayed that whole weekend with her, didn’t answer any of my calls/texts until Sunday. Now, him and our 3 yr old daughter have always been close…And he was also ignoring her calls. So I knew something was up. When I finally got a hold of him that Sun evening, he told me he was with someone else and that he was quitting his job here (best job he ever had, stable and good money) to move with her since she lives almost an hour away. He doesn’t have a license, so he’s only seen our daughter once in 3 weeks…although he has been calling her almost every night. He has tried to completely avoid me at all costs. He hasn’t asked about my older two kids…that spent almost their whole lives with him. He’s now referring to his new girlfriend and her two kids as his family. I feel like he wants us to all just disappear…like he never cared or loved any of us at all. AND I just found out from him that she doesn’t have a house, apt, or stable home…She lives in a camper on a campground and he lives there with her and her kids. He has said to me that he’s going to get a job, get his license back by Christmas and get to the point where he’ll have all 3 of his girls every other weekend…BUT still has no job, and I know for a fact he’s still smoking pot which he needs to quit at least for six months before he can even think about going to appeal to get his license back. I have gotten very little empathy from him at all, and he still continues to blame me for all of his short comings.
So…I know we’re not good together. But I feel so much anger towards him for making such horrible decisions. I begged him to stay in our town, find an apt, keep his good job and continue a relationship with our daughter but he was adamant about everything saying he’ll make it work. I am so scared…I’m scared that he treated me the way he did bc he just didn’t love me but he likes this girl so much he’s willing to lose everything including his daughter for her and this new life…And I’m scared he’s going to treat her the way I always deserved and love her the way I longed for him to love me, but it was like he just couldn’t stand me. I’m mad at him for leaving me with all of the responsibility just because he can’t handle any amount of stress or chaos. I mean obviously our life wasn’t easy, but life is never easy…I feel like that’s all he wants and it infuriates me and hurts me to the deepest part of my soul….He honestly thinks I hate him and want to see him fail. But I don’t. I want him to do what’s best for his daughters and himself…And jumping into another relationship makes me feel as if he was just waiting around with me till he found someone better. All of his personality traits point straight to Narc. But, could it be that maybe he’s found someone that he truly loves and will change for her? My heart aches…for my daughter and my kids mostly. They don’t understand his cruel and heartless actions and words. Thank you for listening 🙂

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Antoinette August 5, 2014

This is my first time on your site, and it has been so helpful to me. I am starting No Contact today (again) and I cannot lie, it hurts..A LOT. My husband walked out of his marriage in 2008 and into the arms of a ‘new supply” – who (as it turns out) was getting groomed and prepped as I was being “devalued and discarded”. Unfortunately, a No Contact attempt started shortly after he left, dissolved once he came back crying and knocking on my door (Just like you described in another blog entry)…and regrettably, I have been feeding his ego by succumbing to his “return and then leave again” behavior ever since then. My husband was my best friend and I knew him for almost a decade before we even became romantically involved. I realized recently (although I should have known this before) that he is a narcissist and not really a friend. Everything he has done, you’ve mentioned in just about every blog entry I’ve read on your site. Thank you because I felt so alone and crazy.. and now I feel like someone understands (actually quite a few people understand) what I have been experiencing. It is so hard not to feel like its your fault and not theirs. But I now understand that’s what narcissists do. I want to be a stronger and more confident person and I know that will never happen if he remains in my life. Thanks again Kim!

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crystalb86 August 5, 2014

My husband left me 2 days after our 7 year wedding anniversary. His only explanation was that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be, and he just didn’t want to be married anymore. While we were dating, he wanted to spend all his time with me, and he treated my wonderfully. However, after we got married, especially during the last few years of our marriage, things changed. He pretty much wanted to spend time with anyone but me. I could ask him to go do something, and he would tell me no, and then someone else could ask him to do the same thing and he would do it. He kept committing to more and more hobbies that didn’t include me. If we went out, he would stay on his phone the entire time and not talk to me, and then he would tell me it was because I talk about stupid and boring things. He’d also point out every woman in the room that he thought was more attractive than me, and then he’d play it off like he was joking. He would constantly tell me that I needed to lose weight, when I was a size 6. He told me he didn’t like my hair, and I should dye it a different color. And if I ever complimented myself, he would call me conceited and tell me I had no reason to be. The list goes on and on. I suspected he was having an affair with his coworker before he left. She kept baking him brownies, he lied about her going on business trips, he put a password lock on his phone, etc. He was so cold when he left. He would’t do anything to save our marriage. He blamed me and said everything was my fault. I complained too much, I got mad too often, etc. Our divorce was finalized in April, but I just recently found out that he was having an affair with the coworker, and they are together. It doesn’t seem fair that they seem to be living happily ever after while my heart hurts so much.

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Crystal August 5, 2014

My husband left me 2 days after our 7 year wedding anniversary. His only explanation was that he couldn’t be the person that I wanted him to be, and he just didn’t want to be married anymore. While we were dating, he wanted to spend all his time with me, and he treated my wonderfully. However, after we got married, especially during the last few years of our marriage, things changed. He pretty much wanted to spend time with anyone but me. I could ask him to go do something, and he would tell me no, and then someone else could ask him to do the same thing and he would do it. He kept committing to more and more hobbies that didn’t include me. If we went out, he would stay on his phone the entire time and not talk to me, and then he would tell me it was because I talk about stupid and boring things. He’d also point out every woman in the room that he thought was more attractive than me, and then he’d play it off like he was joking. He would constantly tell me that I needed to lose weight, when I was a size 6. He told me he didn’t like my hair, and I should dye it a different color. And if I ever complimented myself, he would call me conceited and tell me I had no reason to be. The list goes on and on. I suspected he was having an affair with his coworker before he left. She kept baking him brownies, he lied about her going on business trips, he put a password lock on his phone, etc. He was so cold when he left. He would’t do anything to save our marriage. He blamed me and said everything was my fault. I complained too much, I got mad too often, etc. Our divorce was finalized in April, but I just recently found out that he was having an affair with the coworker, and they are together. It doesn’t seem fair that they seem to be living happily ever after while my heart hurts so much.

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    Kim Saeed August 5, 2014

    Crystal, your story is the classic blueprint for the Narcissist’s method of operation.

    One thing to keep in mind…while on the surface everything may seem like lollipops and rainbows with them, I would venture to guess that your Ex has probably already started in on the new girl. New supply is always groomed to appear as the epitome of happiness when out in public. Even if that’s not the case just yet, the love-bombing stage will wear off, and then she’ll be unceremoniously discarded at some point in the future…(not saying she deserves it, but either way, it will happen).

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karmabaybee August 2, 2014

Lately I am really struggling with the fact that I have no one to really talk to about the pain of being with an N – even paid professional help doesn’t really feel like it’s helping. People don’t understand if they’ve never been with an N so they don’t want to even hear about what I went through, they just tell me I really need to move on and get over it like I can just flip some emotional switch and turn it on and off like a friggin’ lamp. I have no support of caring friends to help me get through this so I’m doing it all alone. People are so wrapped up in their own lives to really even care about other people’s lives – everyone’s just “too busy”. I had a lot of loss this year besides my relationship and I think people just don’t even know what to say to me so they don’t bother keeping in touch or seeing if I’m okay. I found out who my friends really are this year but I also found out who my friends aren’t and I didn’t need any additional pain. From being with this N, plus the deaths of my parents and 2 of my siblings, I have lost the ability to trust people, I’ve become bitter, cynical and even angry, so a lot of the time I’m not in a good mood and wind up spending most of my time alone living a very unsatisfying, empty life. I rarely go out of the house anymore unless I absolutely have to. If I don’t see people, I don’t have to pretend everything’s okay. I’m scared I will never be happy again. I really can’t imagine it and I’m losing hope. I know that I’ve developed a bad case of apathy because of it and that’s so not the person I was.

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    DJ August 2, 2014

    Time will heal some of your wounds. The best advice is to make a list of things you want to accomplish and focus on now. It can be school, volunteer work or moving to another city. When I broke up with my N I took private ballroom lessons and it really helped.

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    Antoinette August 5, 2014

    Let me start by saying, I am sorry to hear about the loss of your family members. I don’t know if this will bring any solace but you are NOT alone. My once bubbly, social self prefers now to live in a shell of my former life. I’d rather be alone and in some cases…because everyone is “so busy”, I have no choice. The only thing that I can say has helped is my faith and that’s not in an organized religion. It’s me being really open and honest with God. Just me and Him. Its me being angry and asking WHY? Its me…dare I say it, finding myself and accepting this new journey or path in my life. I hope you are able to find some peace. That’s what I have been praying about for so long…LORD, just give me peace. I know that things will never be the same….I hope maybe things will be better…different, but better. I hope the same for you. Perhaps identify one tiny, positive thing that you love and do it as much as you can. If nothing else, know that you are not alone on this journey. There are many of us trying to find hope, peace, and satisfaction once again in life. Peace and blessings to you.

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      karmabaybee August 6, 2014

      Thank you, Antoinette. I’m really not very religious (thanks to years of Catholic upbringing) and find very little joy anymore in the things I used to love because I have no one to do them with and until my mood improves, I don’t even feel like doing anything much. I have reached the anger stage and feel I’m better off alone for now because I’m not good company. Very frustrating but I’ve been hurt so much in the past that I do know eventually this will all be a distant memory. But I had people around before,friends and family, esp my mom, to help me through. Now I’m on my own and I guess I better get used to that. I wish you peace and happiness….I am sorry to hear you are going through this, too. I know we’re not alone it just feels like it, doesn’t it? Many thanks for the kind and uplifting words!

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karmabaybee July 31, 2014

I got discarded about 8 months ago but I was never really degraded – there wasn’t ever any verbal abuse. In fact, it was the opposite. He would always tell me how awesome I was and how he bragged to his friends about how lucky he was to be with me because I was so perfect for him. Then one day he just up and left but this is the 3rd time in 5 years he’s done this to me. The first time for another woman he’d been back and forth with for years and according to him, she was always casting him aside like he was nothing and she loved that he chased her – she’d use him a while and then ignore his contact attempts which I think drove him crazy. He definitely viewed her through rose colored glasses. When he told me about her, I thought SHE was a Narc, she sounded like one. Second discard was just for a week and then he love-bombed the hell out of me with “I can’t imagine my life without you” and all that shit that I now realize must have been lies just to “hoover” me back in. That was the beginning of last year and we were fine all year til the end of it. I swear he was biding his time, calculating and planning this discard and he had it all pre-meditated – he waited til after Christmas so I was sure to buy gifts for the kids and family and when he ended it he admitted he “felt guilty” doing that to me before Christmas. Better to wait til AFTER and get what he could out of me. Clearly. We didn’t have a fight at the end, either. Instead, he blind-sided me and he said hurtful things the last time we spoke. I was dumb-founded and shocked. I haven’t seen or heard from him since, not a word, not even after both of my parents (who he knew since high school) died a month apart earlier this year. He cut me off, erased me like we never existed. Total silent treatment. Again. He’s with another woman and it was immediately after he discarded me. She has a lot of money, fancy cars and houses. I have money but don’t brag about it or flaunt it and I never really told him about it. NC has been easy for me for some reason – I don’t have the urge to contact him or drive past his house or anything – I don’t want to know what’s going on. The less I know, the better I feel, that’s for sure. I want to kick myself though because I actually thought he was my best friend. I certainly was his best friend – we told each other everything. EVERYTHING. I miss the guy who I thought was my best friend and realize that’s the addiction to the person who doesn’t really exist. I don’t miss the times he made me feel sad and I saw the red flags. I just didn’t know what I was dealing with at the time, it was definitely my first experience with someone like that. I spent many a night crying myself to sleep and not even really knowing why. I just knew something wasn’t right. I did the victim routine, playing things over in my head, wondering what I did wrong and not having a clue because I was good to him, his kids, his family. Kind, loving, giving, caring. He was the same way towards me and my kids too, so now he has not only hurt me, but he hurt my children, too. His family doesn’t understand this sudden change in his behavior towards me but they all know it’s not my fault why he’s acting the way he is. They are very confused and saddened. I feel bad for them because I don’t think they really know their own family member.

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karmabaybee July 31, 2014

Hmm….after reading this, I feel like someone gave me a gigantic flash light and it shed some serious light on things I was in the dark over, but suspicious of for a long time. Interesting.

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    Flange September 4, 2014

    Thing is droppedlikeRock is that his sister knows what hard work he can be and even said to me he had got better, his own mother joked about him once saying do u ever just say ok to shut him up…so they all know what he is like yet they are so quick to believe him and think I’m the bad guy, if you compare his relationship track record to mine his is awful a daughter he abandoned before she was born and hasn’t really bothered with her since, what kind of father calls his own flesh and blood a nasty bitch? An ex wife who left him twice because of his behaviour, women who he has not lasted 7months at a time in a relationship with, goodness knows how many women he has used for sex, one he got rid of because she fell over and he was embarrassed by her and then me….the mental one who was with him 19 months, doted on him bent over backwards to make sure he had everything he wanted and needed, even sacrificing my own happiness. Then my relationship, one of 17 years where I stayed and tried to work on my marriage until we decided it wasn’t working and then my relationship with him (no contest really,) I hate the fact that his family think so little of me know, replacing a partner within days is wrong, it doesn’t give you time to heal or take a look at yourself to see where you have gone wrong, I would question anybody who did that! I still love him in my own weird way but the trust and respect for him has gone so even if there was a chance of him returning I know it would never work, yes I love him…but I love myself more, there’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel that knot in my stomach or my heart sink knowing he is waking up next to another, but if she isn’t yet she will get the same treatment as I and everyone else did. I just wish his mum and sister would have believed me instead of him x

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Flange July 31, 2014

Think I’ve been involved with a narc for the past 19months, in the beginning he was the perfect gent, buying me gifts, flowers at work and whisking me away on romantic weekends, he told me he loved me within 3 weeks said I was his world and would cry when I left, he would call me within minutes telling me he missed me and wanted me to come back, I was so flattered and fell for him and didn’t stop, he was asking me to marry him within 8 weeks of the relationship and had guilt tripped his way into my home after 12 weeks, he was unwell and I cared for him, the illness he had should have lasted 48hrs max….it lasted 3 weeks (I did at the time think it was faxed after a while for attention) he never moved out after that and if I mentioned it he would behave in a child like way saying I was selfish and didn’t care. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he packed his bags at times in our relationship where I’ve needed support the most (one of them being the day I watched my nan pass away) he was going away on a stag do to Ibiza the following week as because I had been away due to my Nan’s illness he kicked up a stink, said I hadn’t considered him, packed his bags and left….left me in an emotional state on the floor not only grieving for my grandmother but trying to understand what I had done wrong. Each time he left he would be back within hours in tears saying he loved me and he couldn’t do it to me as he hated seeing me an emotional wreck, he wanted to help me (clever!) it must have been about 3 months into the relationships where the digs came in, apparently he only dated beautiful confident women (now I’ve seen some of these so called women, no different or better looking than myself) he told me I wasn’t confident, therefore I felt like he was saying I wasn’t up to his standard, I go so cross with hearing this constantly one day I bit back and told him I had dated more attractive men than him, I was astonished when he burst into tears and said that every woman he has ever been with had said he was the best looking man they had ever been with, he didn’t speak to me that night and when he did it was very mean. I know all about his ex wife and ex girlfriend, he didn’t paint a good picture of either of them, he also once told me he finished with a girl once because she fell over and embarrassed him! He has a 16yr old daughter who he has nothing to do with (obviously he says it’s all hers and her mothers fault) After the little digs started coming then the distancing from my friends and family started, my family were a negative influence in my life and made me act in a negative way and he didn’t like negativity and if I didn’t change he would leave, each time I went to visits them or a friend he would constantly call saying he missed me or come up with some stupid excuse to call, when I said I had to go he would strop and say well obviously that’s more important! When I questioned him about it he would say he didn’t mean it like that. He would twist things I had said until I got that confused I doubted in the end if I had actually said them, he would tell me I was hard work and so difficult to talk to, but nobody else I knew agreed with them, I’ve always been such a genuine happy go lucky laid back person who would do anything for anyone. He admitted to me within a few weeks of our relationship that he was a cocaine user, not on a regular basis but he knew I didn’t agree with drug use as I had been married to an addict and didn’t want to venture down that road again, everything within me screamed leave him, but I was so in love with him I couldn’t, he made it into a small issue and said I was being dramatic, he would use I front of me even though it broke my heart. Throughout our relationship he would receive messages from other women, even pornographic photos from someone he said he didn’t know but stayed in contact with them saying he found it funny, it wasn’t until I told him it was over if he didn’t stop he actuall stopped. While he was out in Ibiza I found out he took another woman out to breakfast and continued to message her when he got home. He message her first when he landed back home before me. He abused me cats and his dog he hit that hard in the face his head went through the bath panel. He would bring up issues from my past that I trusted to talk to him about and said that I hadn’t dealt with them and it was affecting our relationship, but it was him bringing them up all the time not me, in the end with his constant digs, the whole your feet are ugly, if u get fat I will give u the biggest elbow going, your not confident, you have issues I actually sought medical help as I thought it was me, I was put on anti depressants and given counselling, only the first two sessions were aboutme and my childhood, the rest were all about him and his behaviour, it made me see I wasn’t the problem, I came off my antidepressents and was signed off from counselling, I confronted him about his behaviour saying he needed help with his own issues, he told me my counsellor was obviously no good for me and he suggested I seek another one, he refused to come with me. The following week he tried to get me to move and hour away from my home, friends and family, I refused, that day he came home and said he was going to a friends house for a few days to give me some time as he was making my life too hard when I didn’t need it, he was gone two days, the day he came back he burst into tears and hugged me telling me how much he had missed me, five minutes after that he was telling me he had run out of patience with me, that I was the most beautiful woman and kindest person he had ever been with but I had issues and needed to sort them and when they were sorted to please, please,please call him as he didn’t want to lose me. He then left, a few days later he came to collect his things, I wasn’t there, I didn’t want to be, he told my son he loved me and didn’t know why any of it was happening and that he would always be there for him. The following day I caught him messaging the girl he took out for breakfast in Ibiza she spoke to me and said he had asked to go and spend the weekend with her, I messages him confronting him and he said I didn’t know what was going on and to leave him alone as I was twisting things. That was the last he spoke to me, I’ve tried to talk to him, I’ve begged him and said I forgive him but nothing, he blocked me on fb and added some girl who looks very similar to myself, she has a young child. I’ve since found out he had taken her to meet friends of ours in Manchester and stayed in the same hotel we used to no more than a week after leaving me, they are now in a relationship together, all in all he has only been gone 6 weeks and I’m totally heartbroken, how can u go from being someone’s world to nothing the next day? I’ve not slept properly, can’t eat, can’t function properly in 6 weeks, I’ve lost a stone and a half in weight (and I really didn’t need to) he is in my mind from the moment I wake until the minute I fall asleep, I break my heart crying ALOT! Questioning what I ever did wrong or what I could have done better, I gave up 19 months of my life for him and everything he wanted to do,I never complained, we never argued, it’s all so hard to understand, I searched the internet looking for answers and every time I type in certain traits he has I’m sent right to narcissism everytime! Breaks my heart to know he never truly loved me and how very foolish I was.

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    Kim Saeed August 1, 2014

    Flange,

    You’re not foolish. We were all born to love. He’s the foolish one for losing your love and devotion.

    You didn’t do anything wrong, so please let go of that false belief. A Narc male could be engaged to Miss Universe, and he would still cheat, lie, and manipulate. That’s because they aren’t capable of empathy or love. I put a new video on my site today that might be of help. Once you go to Joseph’s channel, you might find other videos and podcasts that may prove beneficial.

    The reason you feel so broken is because we get attached and depend on them for our sense of worth. Those are the things you might want to consider working on first, releasing attachments, self-worth, and also grieving in a healthy way.

    Best of luck to you!

    Reply
      Flange September 3, 2014

      I’ve been no contact with my ex since 24th July after I found out just days after he left me he had moved in with and started a new relationship with a young single mother with a four year old (young children irritate him) I was still friends with his sister but we didn’t discuss him. Last week she tagged me and him in some I’ve bucket challenge and went on to say how her brother was in Ibiza (with his new girlfriend) I don’t know why she had to mention this? Then on his fb page there was pictures of her in a bikini posing for him on the beach (don’t mean to sound big headed but he has downgraded) and another pic of a bottle of champagne and two glasses. I’m not sure if his sister was fooled into mentioning this or if she’s in on his game. I was very hurt by what she had done more so than him as it’s what I have grown to expect! I’m so annoyed with myself as I messaged her and explained why I had removed and blocked her from my fb page as I didn’t want to see what was going on in his life, I also went on to tell her everything he had done and how he had behaved in our relationship, that all of them knew how difficult he could be, that his behaviour was far from normal when it came to relationships and they needed to stand up to him and tell him his behaviour wasn’t acceptable. I received a message back saying I was evil, twisted and bitter and everything her brother had said about me was true and that she never wanted to speak to me again, I also received a message from his mother with rather colourful language telling me I was mental just like he had said and never to contact them again…all I did was speak up for myself and tell the truth but obviously he has twisted everything he did and made it out to be me that was the problem, I’m absolutely gutted that anyone would think badly of me as I’m not a bad person. I have many family members who are extremely enraged by how I have been treated and what his family have been like towards me, In fact when reading the message from his mother it was just like being spoken to by him! They don’t even care that he has moved onto another woman so quickly, moved in with her and taken her away to the place we were supposed to be going, it’s not only a kick in the teeth from him, they were there to rub salt into my wounds. Is it just me or is it not slightly abnormal behaviour to move in with another woman when you barely know them and then take them away to where you were going with your ex within a matter of weeks? Would it not be normal to want to question a family member if they were to behave in that manner? It’s not like I was only about for a few months, it was nearly 2years! I don’t know if the whole thing is his way of getting back at me for seeing behind the mask and letting him know I know exactly what he is, or it was some ploy to try and get me to beg him to come back or resume contact….it didn’t work, or so I thought, but after speaking to my mum I’ve realised I’ve given him supply via his sister, negative as it was it was still supply, I’m not sure what to do as he has absolutely slatted my name, it’s mud in that household and it hurts as i know everything he has told them is a lie! His sister and I were so close and now she hates me and I’ve done nothing wrong, do I leave her to think I’m some monster or do I stick up for myself and say something only for it to make me look worse? I’m kind of hoping because this has all ended so badly that once the new girlfriend starts to not tow the line, instead of coming back to me he finds supply elsewhere, will this happen as I’ve pulled his mask off and made sure he knows there is no chance he will be welcome at my door or will knowing that seem like a challenge to him and make him come back just to prove something to himself? Never in my life have I been treated so well but so badly by the same person, how can anyone be so cruel and heartless? It horrifies me that there are people in the world like this.

      Reply
        dropped like a rock September 3, 2014

        This brings back so many bad memories for me. of my ex and his new girlfriend calling me sick and twisted, ill, etc. I was tormented by his mother for 25 years as well. The ONLY reason I can deal with this is that his sister moved in with him and met his evil side. My son grew up being disrespectful. When he came back from the military, he moved in with him for about a year (the whole time not giving me the time of day). Well, after being around him where he didn’t have me to pick on, you can figure out what happened. He moved out and for the last 4 years I have finally had a great relationship with my grown son.
        And now he is marrying his GF after 6 years after she told him that for sure this time she is done. As much as it hurts that she gets to enjoy everything I sacrificed for she will finally get to meet his evil side. Because now she will be with him every day instead of just for the parties and every other weekends. I compare him to Tiger and Charlie. Everyone idolizes him and I just want someone to know the real him. She will finally meet him. And then maybe I can get closure knowing that she will be eating her words.

        Reply
          Kim Saeed September 3, 2014

          Remain steadfast, dropped like a rock. There will come a day when she will indeed eat her words. It’s just a matter of when.

          Reply
DJ July 30, 2014

I dated a narcissist for several years and experienced a lot of what has already been mentioned on this site. I was never valued as a person or loved unconditionally. The N puts himself first, is a pathological liar, and will not take the blame for his mistakes. I had been unhappy with him for a long time and our breakup was inevitable. It was a painful process of detaching and letting go. Two years later he married a very unattractive, obese woman. He, on the other hand, is handsome and slender. They have been married for less than eight years and I am wondering how the marriage has endured this long. She must be a glutton for punishment.

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WhatIsThis July 30, 2014

I was the other woman for nearly 2 years. It was a long distance relationship that ended this weekend. First off, I’m not even sure if he is a narcissist. He seemed so sweet and timid and mild mannered. He’s 53 and I’m 29. We met through a social media site and he contacted me first. He did say he was married for 30 years but wasn’t happy, didn’t love her and it was for the kids (who are all adults by the way) and divorces were expensive, etc. I wasn’t interested in dating a married man and I told him this. We decided to just be friends.

Slowly he started winning me over by sending me gifts, calling me beautiful, just being an extremely sweet and thoughtful person. A few months later I saw him flirting with other women on the same social media site. I called him out on it and he didn’t apologize, he actually wanted to stop talking to me! It floored me and I was so stupid and begged him to come back. After a few days we made up again and he made plans to come out and see me.

We met each other and everything went well. He was so shy and sweet and I fell hard. He did say he didn’t have plans to leave his wife and if I wanted to see him again I would have to fly out to see him. Eventually I talked him into coming my way for a theme park vacation for a few days (he was supposed to lie to his wife and tell her he was going to a conference).

Stupidly, at this time I introduced him to my son who is autistic. My son is very sensitive and processes things differently from other children. My son was automatically hooked to him and he knew this.

Long story short, we did argue sometimes but it wasn’t anything big and it was mostly about my resentment towards being the other woman. I felt like things were lacking in my life (attention and just a normal relationship). He would tell me that he TOLD me he wouldn’t leave her. That was always his little “out.” His father slowly died of cancer this year and I was there for him 100%. It was painful for me to see him go through that. I cried like a baby for him when his father died 3 weeks ago. This past weekend I received a text (a TEXT!) stating he couldn’t do this anymore, that I argued too much with him that week (!!!) and he had been doing some soul searching (!!!) and needed to end things with me. He also sent a text to me that was directed to my son, stating what a good kid he was, how sorry he was, etc. And then he sent me a voice memo that said, “And just in case you don’t believe that I’ve told my wife, here she is.” And yes, she actually spoke into the phone like a puppet and said, “This is so and so and I know about the trip, I know everything, so yeah.”

It was so bizarre to me. First of all, who ends a 2 year relationship through a text, sends a text that’s directed at a kid and then sends a voice memo with their wife on it (who doesn’t curse me out, sound angry, etc)? Who does this?! Of course I tried calling him like an idiot and he wouldn’t answer the 10 calls I made. He then sent me a text on a text message app we used sometimes with the words, “I am so sorry.” But are you? I was a mess. Shaking and horrified and sobbing. I had to sit my autistic son down and tell him that my ex wasn’t coming with us on the trip. That was so hard because my son broke down in tears. He cried himself to sleep for 2 nights.

I tried to reach out to my ex via phone calls and messages and nothing. Finally I emailed him yesterday and he responded, stating he knew the way he ended it would hurt me (!!!) but he never meant to hurt me. What?! He said he promised his wife he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I asked him about all of the promises he’d made ME, like always being there, always being a friend. He even told me that if she ever found out he would still find a way to talk to me. What happened to those promises? So again, like a sniveling idiot I kept emailing him, begging him to please talk to me, be my friend, don’t leave me. He said he would send me a video of his cat (long story, he always used to send me videos of his animals and his cat was my favorite) that night IF he could. Sigh. Well I received two videos last night before bed but I didn’t respond because something didn’t sit right with me. 1) I would never ever end any relationship that way (unless I was abused or deeply betrayed). Who just drops someone like that because of an argument and 3 months before a vacation? 2) Even if you didn’t want to be with me, why did you have to tell your wife? Was that to ensure you never spoke to me again? 3) Why wouldn’t you want to talk to me again? I have exes I still speak to today. Yes the break ups may not have been ideal but we never cut each other off completely. It’s all so strange. He also claims he never received my voicemail messages. I left 6 of them! How did you not get them?

I know this is much too long but I just wanted to add some quick notes: as I said, I’m not sure if he is an N, but he definitely had mommy issues. In fact he called me Mama and said he loved how motherly I was and how he liked resting his head in my “bosom.” I wasn’t the first woman he cheated on his wife with (yes I know this makes me an idiot). There were 2 other women within 6 years. He also said bad things about his wife’s hygiene, told me about her breast implants and how much he hated fake breasts (but he’s a boob man and I’m starting to think he talked her into it). Towards the end he would be “disappointed” because I wasn’t showing enough cleavage in our FaceTime calls. He commented on a new hairstyle I tried (“what’s going on with your hair?”). I could never just state something, he always had to counter with an argument. I was never right. He treated me like an idiot. He was becoming increasingly busy with meetings at work. He commented on a beautiful woman (his words, not mine) at work. He was yelling at me and cursing me out. The man who was sending me hundreds of dollars just because in the beginning was suddenly becoming very tight with his money for the trip we’d planned. I’m sure there are other things I’ve missed because I’m still in a daze and not sure what to do. I’m not sleeping, eating or really functioning. I feel like someone died. I feel like a complete idiot and I feel like it’s all my fault. Was I so awful that he just had to leave me and my son so abruptly? I don’t want to think I’m this horrible person.

I know I’ve typed too much.

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WhatIsThis July 30, 2014

Why oh why did I answer his phone call? He claimed the reason he called was because of a conversation he had with his wife last night. Supposedly she said, “if you cut it off with me the way you cut it off with her, with no warning, I would be devastated too.” He said this was what led him to want to talk to me on the phone.

I don’t know any woman who would be so sympathetic towards the other woman (especially within the first few days of finding out about an affair). It sounds very fishy.

I called him out on changing his home number, making his social media sites private and I point blank asked him if he planned this. He said he didn’t. I asked him if he woke up and just decided to do it. He said he didn’t. I told him he either planned it or he woke up and did it. Of course the entire flow of the conversation became my fault, “See this is why I couldn’t just end things with you. You try to pin me to a wall and ask so many questions.” Well yes, I’m going to have many, many questions when my heart is broken and the person who broke it planned the attack days, if not weeks, in advance. He said I was reminding him of the stress of being in a relationship with me. Nice.

Then he said he would never speak to me again but he wouldn’t mind if I sent him an email every now and then and he might (MIGHT) respond….sometimes. At this point I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was so cruel and cold I thought it had to be a joke.

I cried. And cried. And I was a mess and I’m sure he enjoyed it. He kept saying he was sorry but he didn’t sound genuine. Like, at all. When I said that, he said, “See? You’re still calling me a liar. I AM genuine.” Ok. He had to scurry off inside his office building and again I felt like crap.

I mean, who calls to say they’ll never talk to you again? Who does this? I mean didn’t we kind of get that out of the way yesterday in our emails when he said he couldn’t talk to me anymore? Why call just to say it again? I hate that I thought I could have a normal conversation with him and get answers. He controlled this relationship to the end. He says his wife is still asking questions. I’m sure all of her questions are being answered with lies.

I don’t know if I’ll ever hear from him again but man I’m going to stick with my gut and not entertain him. It was like he got off on hearing me sob. He even wanted to talk to my son (!!!) and apologize to him. No way was I letting him near my kid again (who, by the way, has moved on and seems much happier; the kid has been very resilient).

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WhatIsThis July 30, 2014

Anddddd he just sent me an iMessage. He said, “You said this was like a death with no closure. I can talk briefly while I’m driving to work. I don’t want to rehash everything (oh of course you don’t; wouldn’t want to stress YOU out or anything!) but I want to apologize.” I don’t think I can do that (plus I’m on hold on a very important call). I don’t want a pathetic apology or another reminder that he can’t talk to me or another passive aggressive “this is all your fault” comment to come out of his mouth. I’m emotionally drained and I’ve cried for the past few days more than I ever have in my life. I feel like he just wants to toy with me and he’s surprised I haven’t emailed him back.

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    Kim Saeed August 1, 2014

    Yeah, the best thing to do is just block his number from your phone. He’s doing that to keep you engaged.

    Reply

Reblogged this on freefromnarcissisticabuse and commented:
This is EXACTLY what is happening right now. Or close to it. Except I’m not a crawling heap of a mess on the floor. lol

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

    Thank you for the re-blog 🙂

    And I’m very glad to know you’re not a hot mess on the floor! Narc Survivors unite!

    Reply
Kim Saeed July 27, 2014

BND,

The reason you crave him is because you were emotionally abused, and became mentally and biochemically addicted to the peptides that were released by the hypothalamus. Each of our emotions has corresponding peptides. With the Narcissist, our body produces the ones associated with the drama (fear, uncertainty, paranoia, etc.). Since these emotions are so extreme, our body gets addicted to them and that’s why we feel “high” when we feel the Narcissist “comes back to us” (which is really an illusion).

No Contact is essentially going through withdrawal. That’s why your emotions are so heightened. And just like being in rehab, you must go moment-by-moment, day-by-day, until the need to re-engage slowly dissipates. If you haven’t done so, I would recommend doing guided meditations on self-esteem and releasing emotional attachments. Your whole sense of identity has become dependent on this guy, but you can let go of that with consistent effort. You don’t need him to be happy…it’s only an illusion that’s coming from your ego and is based on fear.

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brandnewday July 25, 2014

I was with my guy for 7 years. I was so into him really quickly. He was handsome, fit, and the sex was plentiful and fantastic. He bought me flowers, held my hand, took me out, took me on holidays, made ‘love’ to me all the time. I was smitten in no time. I couldn’t believe I was so lucky and that he was still single. He was always quite emotionally closed but I thought thats just the way he was & was patient with it. I figured if he saw how crazy I was about him and how well I looked after him, how could he not love me back? He always said that he loved me but could possibly never love me ‘the way I needed to be loved’. It should have been a red flag but I had not idea then about people who were incapable of love.

There were never any problems in our relationship except that he only ever seemed to be partly emotionally in it. He wouldn’t commit or let us live together. I thought that eventually it would fall into place as we had been together for so long and got on so well. We never fought & had so much in common. We had a great time together. He was just the sort of man I thought I wanted. I just wanted him to love me more.

After a while, he began to pick on me. Criticise the way I dressed, drove, kept my house. He would always make a negative comment about what I was wearing when we went to go out & never complimented me. He would get dark & surly when he came to stay at my house & became ruder & ruder toward my daughter. However when we were at his house or with his friends, he was attentive & great company.

I first heard about his female ‘friend’ 5 months into our relationship. She was a past lover he had met overseas. He swore they were only friends & hardly ever talked. When I questioned him about her he would say I was blowing things out of proportion & making something out of nothing. He said he had ‘lots of female ‘friends’ but I certainly didn’t know them. His possible supply list I guess.

6 1/2 years into our relationship, we had our first fight. He was at my house & rude & surly. We fought & I told him I wanted more from our relationship. He said he didn’t think he could do it. I thought it was all over that day however afterward he kept ringing me up, taking me out to dinner & the movies or I would spend the weekend. I stayed one weekend & we went out for christmas dinner & went shopping for his family & exchanged presents.

To cut a long story short I found at (NOT from him) that while I went away at christmas to see my family he had flown her over and was having sex with her only days after me & had even taken her to his parents for christmas day. ( And CALLED me telling me that he was spending the day alone…) He had been back in touch with her after we had the fight and began to set her up as his next supply and then when she was a sure thing he dumped me when I got back after Christmas. He still never told me why – never told me about her. He said he was bored & needed to do something different. He said thats just the way he was & just got bored after a while & needed a change. I only found out because when he had told me he was OS working I found out that he was overeas with her.

I gradually found out more & more about her & what he had done in the next few months. I was so devastated & humiliated. He had lied & lied & lied. I had trusted him implicitly and had treated him like a prince & he just threw me away like that. He went OS to be with her & wouldn’t answer any of my emails or messages. Like I didn’t exist after all those years.
When I confronted him on his return he told me he was so sorry and that he loved me and never meant to hurt me. I begged him to come back but he said it was too late. The damage was done. I spent he next few months making a fool of myself & losing my self respect trying to get him to come back. I had been so good to him why did he not want me. I couldn’t eat & lost weight & couldn’t sleep or concentrate at work and was so depressed.

It was not until I started seeing a Psychologist and she told me he had Narcissitic Personality Disorder that it all fell into place. All the boxes were ticked! It is incredible to read these posts with stories so similar to your own. My heart goes out to all the others out there trying to get their lives & self esteem back after being discarded by a Narcissist. Its a deep dark hole that your friends and family don’t seem to understand how hard it is to climb out of. Its so much harder than I ever thought. One day I WILL not think of him. or them and I will be happy again. I wish you all strength and remember that you are a person deserving of being treated with love and respect. xx

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    Kim Saeed July 27, 2014

    Thank you, Brandnewday, for sharing your story.

    I know it was painful for you to experience this, but I’m glad you shared because it’s so typical of Narcissistic behavior, and only through spreading awareness can we ever hope to instill some kind of societal accountability with these disordered types.

    Blessings and light <3

    Kim

    Reply
      brandnewday July 27, 2014

      Thank you for your blessings Kim. I just don’t understand why I long for him so much. He treated me like dirt and yet I miss him ever moment of the day. He is the first thing that I think of the second I wake & the last thing on my mind at night. I obsess about his lies to me about this woman and the fact that he is making such a big deal over her when she has done nothing for him & I have done everything. It burns like a pit of nausea in my stomach & I long for it to go away. And yet I miss him so much. All the things I did with the person that he was before he did this to me. I know that it is because of his NPD but I feel like I am unstable too!! I long to hear his voice, feel his touch, see his face. I realise it is stupid as he has treated me so badly & it makes me hate being this way. I have always been a strong dependable woman able to cope with anything but I feel like part of me has been destroyed & I don’t know how to find who I was anymore. I am so rattled and hollow inside. Like he killed a part of me & took it with him.

      Reply
Holly July 24, 2014

Thank you Kim and I actually have him blocked via all means. One thing that has always confused me concerning traits of Narcisissts is: if they are so flitty and get bored so easily (philandering from one female to the next), how is it that they ever settle down with one person long enough and actually commit to marriage? I understand that someone can serve as a specific supply for them, such as money etc…but how do they not get bored with them as well, especially if they crave excitement or change? I also had a question concerning men who are narcissistic/sociopath, and that is: is pedophilia associated with these disorders by any chance?
The man I became a victim of was big in the church (or at least wanted to be), he held a temporary worship leader position and during the day he taught kids guitar lessons at a local music store. During my involvement with him, I can recall three occasions where my attention was drawn to peculiar behavior when he was around very young girls (age range 14-15) He is in his 40’s and is literally obsessed with aging. He would make digs about wanting me to lose weight (Im 5 foot tall and weigh 100 lbs) but yet he wanted me to be thinner and he pushed for me to buy expensive wrinkle cream etc…lt made me wonder if he was attracted to more childlike looking women. I found photos on his computer of a young girl posing in her pink pajamas that looked about 16 years old, he said some web girl sent them to him but yet he saved them in his “my documents” folder.
The last straw was when I made an unexpected visit to his home and through the window I saw him going through the pornographic channels and passing by categories such as “cougars” , “large breasts” etc… but going straight to the category marked “all teen porn” and reading each movie description in that category. Thats when I realized that the man has many mental issues besides being narcissistic.

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Holly July 21, 2014

It took me five long years to finally get out of the repetitive cycle. Obsess over me…get bored….break it off…call back within a week or so and say everything he could to get me back. Over and over…He kept connections with everyone he ever dated or was involved with…never fully letting go. He would say all the right things, win me back then start distancing himself when there was absolutely nothing wrong. He would make digs or belittle me, try to make me feel worthless or not important. When I finally started investigating this strange disorder, I realized he was the poster child for the condition. I finally had the answer to the question I had been asking for so long…What is wrong with this man Im dating?..narcissistic sociopath! I remember one evening I was crying my heart out to him in pain begging him to give me an answer as to why he was the way he was towards me, he quickly grabbed his dog, put it in front of his face while petting it and giving it attention trying to avoid being seen smiling! I believe I truly looked in the eyes of evil that night. It was creepy. He’s a 44 year old man who is involved with his church and was once a worship leader but that is just a disguise to hide behind in order to gain respect and admiration. After I finally broke it off with him, he stalked me for a year, made endless calls and texts, sent emails etc…Just this past June 20, he begged me by text to give him one more chance because I was his soulmate…by July 2nd of this month, he posted on Facebook that he was in a relationship! The man is plain nuts and I just pray that this new relationship keeps him busy enough to stay away from me.

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    Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

    Holly, the times he pursued you were to prove to himself that you still had feelings for him. Narcissists don’t really care about us as individuals, only whether or not they have power over us. Once we give in to them and take them back, they’ve fed and gotten their validation, which is all they want. They literally get a dopamine release when we show interest in them, which makes them feel good and that’s all they’re after.

    It would behoove you to go ahead and block him from all avenues of communication. That way you wouldn’t have to worry about him popping back into your life out of nowhere, keeping you stuck in chaos.

    Reply
Jocpolite July 19, 2014

Great article! I am 3 months post break up. Discarded after asking to get off the couch and go out. I dare I ask my boyfriend to take me out right? We were friends first before beginning a relationship. The love bombing was out of control. He was good looking and charming. One red flag was that he bragged ALOT and always sent me pictures of himself. Another red flag was that he talked about himself ALL of the time and tried to control the conversations. He gave me compliments but some of them felt very belittling. We always had to do things that HE was intereated in. He lied about having a job. He had no friends. He called his parents by their first names. I found out early in our relationship that I had to have surgery. He was there for me through the whole process and recovery. Somehow we got stuck on the sofa in front of the TV during recovery. He got really comfortable and the devaluing began. No dates, no trips anywhere! I was unable to have sex for about 8 weeks which suited him fine since he no longer showed affection. No kissing, no touching…. (Just the walk through the door hello peck) No desire! I tried to fix it! Sexy lingerie etc. he would look and go back to he’s phone (FB, Twitter, Reddit etc). After I had had enough, I began pushing for explanations. The reply was always “I don’t know what to say). I asked if he wanted to break up and he said yes”. He became very cold and dismissive. No explanations, no face to face discussion. Just a cold, heartless shut out! I tried to ask for a talk to resolve things and was texted or emailed short, dismissive responses. While I don’t know if he cheated, he did constantly say things to try to make me jealous. I have been bare minimum contact since a week after the break. We worked in the same place, which was HARD!!!! He got the job after I applied and then he applied for a position at the same place without telling me. He later “joked” that he would be the only one working there, not me, just him. I left and got a new, better job after 2 months (he got his wish). He texted me at 2am 3 weeks ago inquiring if/why I left. I do not call, text, email or social media him at all! He is now in a “new” relationship (long distance) with his ex. Friends tell me he is posting it on social media and posting that he’s visiting her. It’s hurtful but I’m DONE! He is so insensitive. So competive. So jealous. My surgery had me dependant and needy for awhile. I am otherwise a pretty self assurred woman. I’m healing my heart and hope to find a healthy relationship. Thank God it was only 8 months of my life with no kids! Sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get it all out. Its all still so confusing but tjis site help me to see things clearly. Be strong! God Bless!

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Melanie July 13, 2014

Great article…thank you. Here is my situation in a nutshell…my ex husband completely swept me off my feet when we met, he was the complete opposite of every other man I had been with…he was open, kind, sweet, romantic, fun, happy. Fast forward six years and 2 children….everything was about him and his needs. I had just accepted this as part of our relationship, but I couldn’t accept what he was doing to our children. He would only give them positive attention when there were others around to admire him. Basically, they were a means to an end for him…a way to get attention. He was even slowly turning my 3 year old son against me by making sure that our son only loved him and only wanted to be with him. Things got worse and more abusive, escalating into physical violence. I finally kicked him out, and within 24 hours he was on the internet looking for someone else. He didn’t even show up to our divorce hearing, i haven’t seen or heard from him in over 4 years. I know that he is “happily” married again (his 7th relationship since we broke up). I find myself thinking about him constantly, hurting for my children who lost their father, he even haunts my dreams. I constantly compare my current boyfriend (who is a great guy) to him, I feel like I will never be truly happy or in love with anyone but him. I know in my logical mind that this is seriously flawed thinking, but my heart just can’t understand that. I have an obsessive need to “understand” how a father can just leave his own children and start a whole new life, how our relationship and everything we shared when things were good could just mean nothing to him now. I find myself asking what i could have done differently on that horrible day that we broke up, (a day that i view as my own personal 9/11), could i have done something to save my marriage? thanks for listening, i feel so lost and broken most of the time.

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    Kim Saeed July 13, 2014

    Melanie, thank you for sharing your story. I know this has been a painful event for you.

    Sometimes, we have to accept that there are things we will never understand. However, one thing that may help you is to acknowledge he never viewed the situation from the same perspective as you;and he never will.

    If your Ex is a Narcissist (which it sounds he is), he doesn’t think about your history together and remember the good times. The only time they review past events is to plot how to better deceive and manipulate. The “obsessive need” you are experiencing is your ego (I don’t mean that in a bad way). Think about it, even if you were to eventually understand how he can desert his family, it wouldn’t change the results. That’s just what they do and explains why your Ex has had seven relationships since your breakup. He doesn’t think of you or anyone else as individuals. The only reason they keep people in their lives is due to the benefit they get in the form of supply (ex: adoration, sex, money, care-taking, etc.)

    If you haven’t already, you should consider finding a good therapist and work on healing your soul. Four years is a long time to stay in the grieving period. You couldn’t have done anything different, Melanie. No matter what you did to please him, he would always changed the rules of the game. Besides, if he was being physically abusive, things would have only gotten worse.

    Please consider some of the healing tools I have here on my site, beginning with guided meditations. Read some of the books listed. It’s time for you to release him and begin living again.

    Reply
bunch1938 July 7, 2014

Kim thank you. I thought I was going crazy. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for over ten years. He walked out on me and the kids when I didn’t even have a job. I had to get a lawyer to fight child support. I believe he cheated on me through out the marriage. Shortly after the divorce he remarried and is now divorced again. I thank God for counseling and the support group that I had at the time. Today I am by far, much better off without him. The problem I have is with our kids. My son is now 20 and is away at school but my daughters are 17 and still at home with me. I avoid this guy as much as possible. But every since he bought a new car I notice he’s at my house frequently making excuses to see my daughters. He just moved in with his new girlfriend whom my kids now will have to warm up to because he will want to impress her into believing he is an ideal dad(which he is not). This is starting to rehash some old wounds. This is becoming like a funeral that won’t end. The good news is next year my daughters will be away at school and I’m hoping out of sight out of mind. Thanks.

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    Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

    Thank you for sharing, bunch1938,

    I am sorry you’re going through such a painful experience. Have you tried any of the healing tools I’ve included here on the site?

    Best wishes,

    Kim

    Reply
Mari July 4, 2014

How to you deal with him when you have a child together?? I am at a loss…..so hurt.

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    Kim Saeed July 9, 2014

    Mari, I replied to your other comment with some advice. Best of luck!

    Reply
Carolyn tracey June 30, 2014

Hi Kim. I have found your blog very helpful. I wish I knew what narcassism was along time ago. i have been with my narcassist for 21 years ( Iam 42, he’s 52) . It has been a train wreck . Resulting in me being arrested after throwing a plate at him whilst he was videoing me calling me a f##### c###. the terrible thing is he told me 3 years ago he was leaving as he had met someone else. I was devastated and begged him to come back … he did telling me that he doesnt love me but will come back for the childrens sake. My anxiety then left and I thought what have I done I dont want him back… fights and name calling started. 5 weeks ago he told me he is leaving as has met someone and is not coming back .. Iamm a mess… lost weight cant sleep obsess about him. pleading with him to come back.. . He has a new supply its been one day of no contact which is desperately hard as I feel like begging him to come back and I know this is futile. Help me

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2014

    Carolyn, I do offer consultations and coaching if you’d be interested. You definitely need to go No Contact and cut this guy out of your life. As long as you maintain any communications with him, you will continue to feel worthless and hopeless. The only hope you have for your future, and for happiness, is to sever the ties. Easier said than done, but it’s the only way. He will never change.

    Reply
SOL June 29, 2014

Thank you Kim for reinforcing what I already knew along. The only thing is my Narc Husband has been living with the other women who is a minister of her own congregation for almost a year. It has taken everything in me not to out them…but then why would I stand between her and her special hell and his. The thing I don’t get is she is older and very unattractive. The only thing I can say is she is his retirement ticket. June 20th made 8 years married I did file for a divorce last year but since he refused to sign it is taking forever . I am going through tremendous stress at work at he called wanting to see me to talk and I stupidly gave in. The things he is now saying about this women is mind blowing and it made me see just how he must of spoken about me to her and others. This man had gotten me arrested for no reason I wish I never helped him with his greencard…and at first I thought it was just about that but the hell continues. Any way I was feeling so vulnerable because of work and ended up sleeping with him. Biggest mistake. He completely ignores me now after asking me back items that was left at the house. See my Narc never had the glory and satisfaction of moving his things out the house. I had a restraining order out on him 2 years ago and used the opportunity to move his things into storage. He now keeps calling and demanding his mirror, bottles of rum, and weights. My father told him its n the basement and he cam get them but he insist that I’m home. Because once again it’s about punishing me…he wants to feel the satisfaction of me watching him take items from our home and move it into her home. He’s also asking to borrow $1,000 then $5,000-$10,000 so he can leave her at the end of the year and work on our marriage. Hell no!!! She wanted my dear husband and he wanted her . It’s crazy though because I loved my company for 10years now it feels like I’m going hero ugh two divorces and his recent discard undid all the months of no contact and peace. I finally had a holistic session this morning in emotional clearing life energy balancing and I mst say I feel much better. Now back to blocking him, but I like to just be totally unresponsive so he knows I’m purposely ignoring him…and prove o myself that I am strong. This affair shook my faith because I couldn’t understand a female minister knowingly and openly living with a married but then I thought god only knows what he was telling her but I do know she is now in the devaluing stage. Wash repeat and rinse indeed.

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2014

    SOL,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It goes to show that even those who pretend to be religious and holy can be evil in disguise.

    If he wants to insist you be there when he gets his things, think about this. Just box everything up and have a friend or family member place the boxes on his porch or in his yard. He’s just using that whole issue as a way of keeping himself wedged in your life. You can take your power back by handling it YOUR way, not his.

    I’m glad to know you tried energy clearing. Keep doing that, as well as the other healing tools I have listed here. Day-by-day, you will feel the toxic effects begin to dissipate. Feel free to reach out again, if needed…

    Kim

    Reply
Amy June 26, 2014

I am really annoyed at my friends right now. My spouse left me and our kids and disappeared 3 months ago. I was fine, better off and I wanted her out of my life. Now I find out she is in a new relationship with someone who has similar issues. I KNOW IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME TILL IT BLOWS UP! Now I am nervous as hell. When it ends and she has nowhere to go (because all of her friends and family have disowned her after abandoning her kids) I know the only place she will go to seek her fix is right back here. My family and friends do not believe me. They say that because she left and hasn’t contacted us in 6 weeks, she is done with us and has moved on. I would agree normally, but my ex Is far from “normal”. I have shut down my FB page, changed my phone numbers and am thinking about moving. That is how serious the abuse was in my relationship. It is still to fresh and I am terrified she will worm her way back into my life when this new relationship fails. How can I make my family/friends understand that my fears ARE justified and to not think I am just being a drama queen.

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texaskaylee June 22, 2014

Hi Kim – I’ve read many of your posts the last 48 hrs and they are so spot on. Thank you. I’m really struggling tonite bc I officially started NC with my ex of as yesterday morning. Whether it mattered or not, I sent him an email explaining why I needed time and space (we were trying to remain friends after we broke up – we were originally best friends prior to dating). So this last week, he’s been calling/texting and i was not responding – i thought, given our friendship, that I should at least explain why I’m dropping off the radar all the sudden. A big reason we broke up is bc we were long distance temporarily and he started a flirtation via FB with this girl that lives 5 hours away from him (she’s originally from his home town). I saw all the messages, got very upset and he promised to ‘do better’ and he apologized. But after all that, our relationship never got back on track and we drifted apart from serious dating to still caring for one another but it got complicated. I know that he ended up seeing this girl twice after I found the message that initial time but by then, we weren’t really together so technicality was on his side (as lame as that is). We are no longer long distance (only 2 hrs away, not states away as we were before) but since we were now driving distance, we kind of settled back into a dating when we were around each other type of thing. That happened the first month I moved and I have been distancing myself from him the last 2 weeks – not answering his calls as much and not going when he invited me to his home town bc I know we’d just end up in bed together/acting like a couple. So I sent him that letter yesterday and in it, describe how hurt I am about all the things that went on in our relationship (more to get them off my chest, not that it got through to him I’m sure) and in it, I talk about the girl and how hurt I am still to this day that he’s still friends with her on FB and still ‘likes’ her pics and things like that, bc even though we are supposed to be ‘just friends’, he had made remarks about how she’s annoying and she just something new and that’s what he likes (something new). I know it was about the attention she was giving him bc she was serving herself up on a platter and he didn’t have to do much. But what hurt me was I was supposed to be his best friend and so special yet he was still in contact with her. So come to find out that she ‘happened’ to be in his hometown AGAIN last night and they hung out. Now I’m sure this was planned before he read my email yesterday morning but it still really stings to feel so replaced. He’s told me so many times how he puts me in this other ‘category’ and I’m ‘different’ then the other girls but that’s not enough for me and I outlined so in the email. But regardless, I still feel like I’ve been punched in the gut that he’s hanging with this chick again, around his family, when he was trying to get me there the weekend before. It just hurts. I know I should feel bad for her (which I don’t bc she knew he was with me when she was talking to him/sending naked pics of herself within the first week so she kinda is getting what’s coming to her) but I’m still upset and can’t shake the feeling of being completely replaced. I will keep reading your posts but any word of encouragement/advice for just breaking the ties of a narcissist addiction is greatly appreciated. Thanks again for all that you do!

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    I really wish the steps were simple, but unfortunately it’s not an easy thing. The very first thing you need to do is go full-blown No Contact. There really is no other way around it…you cannot remain friends (as you know first-hand), and you have to completely block him. Once you’ve gotten through the period of No Contact, then you can begin healing…

    Reply
Kim June 20, 2014

Oh Kim I am so upset!!!
I’m not sure if my ex is a narcissist but you blog sounds so familiar.
I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years. I met him on a dating site and this man came into my life and wanted to tell me he loved me after a few dates. I was flattered but very cautious and wasn’t ready for that BUT in time I loved him with all my heart.
He is a chief in the Navy and I stood by and waited after 2 deployments and after the last deployment I found out he had cheated with a “ex”
I found out from the other woman that he told her he loved her ( after one night) wanted to move her out to Cali and dump me. I was devastated.
He promised me he was acting out because his dad had just past a month prior, he didn’t know why he did what he did, he was so sorry and would do whatever it took.
Long story short he broke up with me in March because I couldn’t let it go.
I blamed myself. Oh and his timing? Broke up with me 3 days after my best friend died of stage 4 colon cancer and 3 days before my birthday.
I was lost. 2 weeks later he’s hanging out with a new woman, yet still answering my emails.
This last week I met him to give him some things and he took a new flames call in front of me..
He told me in a cocky way her name. And they had been together for a month.. So he started dating her 2 months after our break up.
I see her pic and I look at her and I think she beautiful ( my friends think I’m crazy)
I feel like she’s living the. ” dream” I feel like I can almost predict what’s going to happen with them. How does after 4 1/2 years someone just start to love someone else?
Not to mention he turned his back on my kids and they loved him. He didn’t even say good bye. Just walked out of their lives and now I’m less with the mess.
He told me on Sunday when I saw him he obviously still cares and after I write him because I’m so hurt and angry he hasn’t said ” never get in touch with me again”
But ignores me and I’m left asking what the hell did I do?
I’m just so heart broken and it’s sick to say I miss him.
Whatever just needed to vent

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    Kim, it’s not that he stopped loving you and starting loving her. Narcs don’t love anyone. The only thing that happened is that you found out what he was and he had to find new supply that would worship him until she, too, finds out what he is…and the cycle will repeat. He will likely keep the both of you hanging on just to squeeze out as much supply from you as he can. The best thing is to completely block him and go No Contact. Otherwise, your life will continue to feel unmanageable…

    Reply
Hope June 19, 2014

Hi Kim: I just couldn’t believe how this story played out exactly like my relationship with my ex. It was literally word from word. I am amazed that every action was detailed in the article. My ex and I had our last argument on March 14, 2014. Which ended violently over money. Long story short I hit her because she told me that I “was beneath her” I snapped and before I knew it, I had smashed a glass in her face. There is an order of protection against me. But even though others wouldn’t see it as a blessing I do. I feel that if that situation hadn’t occurred, I would have never left her alone. Towards the end, she became different. She told me she had moved on. Told me she did love me at one point. She was seeing someone. I could see it all over her face.
She told me that her relationships never lasted for her. There was only one relationship that I know of where she said this woman was the perfect woman for her, but this woman also went on to tell her that she was “weak” and left her.
There was nothing about me that was good enough. From the top of my hair to my ankles. She liked my feet. I get regular pedicures. She chipped away at me every day. My self-esteem which was low to start with took a beating. I took an emotional and mental beating. Not to mention a scalp abrasion from being pushed. I had a knot on my head the size of a baseball. There isn’t a day that goes that by that I don’t think about her cruelty. I am in therapy now, because I just couldn’t understand what had happened to me, and why I allowed someone that I loved so much to disrespect and humiliate me on every level. She once told me that I repulsed her. My body wasn’t to her liking. There was no physical relationship after 2 months. Through everything I stayed and I lost myself. I am slowly recovering but it is hard. I have good and bad days. I am sure she has since moved on to the perfect woman that she think she deserves. I am rebuilding. Thank you so much for this website.

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    Amy June 22, 2014

    Hope, I feel for you. My soon to be ex-wife was very similar. I am also having trouble with people understanding that abuse happens in same-sex relationships as much as others, but that it so much harder to get help and support. thank you for sharing. – Amy

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NJ June 18, 2014

After a year together, I was discarded 4 months ago. I would send him pictures of us, tell him how much I missed him, and nothing after a week. I didn’t function that week. He sent me a text and said for me to stop texting him and he would never respond. The funny thing is I “tried” to break up with him several times, but he never let me. He always twisted things around to make me think it was my fault he was texting other girls and going to strip clubs. In the beginning he bought me things, we went on trips together, and he wined and dined me. We were together almost daily.He had become my best friend (I thought.)The last time I caught him doing these things he finally told me he loved me as a last ditch effort and I believed him. A month later he left me. Within two weeks he went to visit an old girlfriend who lives 5 hours away. They have been together 4 months and she is moving here with her child and I hear there is talk of marriage. I am 46 years old and been married before and I have never been more devastated from a break up. I have to take anti-depressants and Xanax to try and quit obsessing over his new relationship and this new girl. They are moving in together and going on trips we were supposed to. He is a very successful businessman and his ex-wife of 14 years cheated on him. I keep wondering if I was just the “rebound” and if he is in love with this new girl. He has the traits of a narc: weird relationship with his mom, selfish, thinks he knows best about everything, no friends, hates to be alone, but spends a lot of time alone, into porn, etc…he didn’t have a temper, actually prided himself in his ability to control his emotions. III am going to therapy, but I just want to start feeling normal and happy again!

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    NJ, it’s good that you are in therapy. You may want to also try some alternative healing methods alongside the counseling. Guided meditations are very relaxing and healing and a great way to start the holistic approach to recovery. I wish you all the best!

    Reply
Anonymous June 17, 2014

I was discarded 8 months ago, it was very public and humiliating experience. I needed to read this today.

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2014

    So glad to know it helped…

    Kim <3

    Reply
Nicole June 17, 2014

I never post anything about my own experiences but this speaks to me on so many levels. My ex was my high school sweetheart. He came from a rough background and a family full of self-centered and possibly narcissistic themselves. After four years of giving my everything to him he discarded me for another woman after I became pregnant. He is so sick because he uses her for money that she gained after her fathers death. He uses his title of being a soldier in the Army as a way to appear normal. I later found out that she was pregnant as well. The pain and heartache I endured throughout my pregnancy still angers me. After our daughter was born he did a vanishing act, she’ll be a month in two days and he has only seen her once. Now he is already threatening to take her away all because I filed for child support. To this day it’s still about having control in his mind. It saddens me to know that mommy will have to explain to her why daddy doesn’t love her one day. I despise him to his core. Any advice on how I can get past these intense feelings of anger and the desire to get revenge?

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    Kim Saeed June 21, 2014

    Nicole,

    I’m very sorry you’ve experienced this.

    This is all very fresh, so while it’s important to feel your emotions, don’t beat yourself up because of them. The main thing is to try some of the healing methods I suggest here on my blog. Also, don’t fall for his threats. The fact that he’s seen your daughter once since she was born, and that he’s in the military would make it very difficult for him to gain primary custody. Don’t let him instill fear in you over this. Do you have any texts or emails from him where he’s making these threats? If so, don’t say a WORD to him, just collect them for proof in court when it comes to that. At the same time, be careful not to incite rage in him…just let him back himself into a corner.

    As far as your daughter, you don’t need to tell her that her father “doesn’t love her”. That’s something best kept to yourself. When she gets old enough to ask, simply tell her that her father is at work. Who knows, perhaps by then you will have a new partner in your life.

    For starters, why don’t you check out my YouTube channel. There are some good meditations there that might help (some are binaurals, so make sure to choose meditations to start with): https://www.youtube.com/user/LetMeReach

    Reply
Amy June 13, 2014

I am healing after being discarded and I have a potential new amazing person in my life. I am terrified that my ex will find out I have a new love interest. I have no idea what the reaction will be. Any insight?

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    Kim Saeed June 14, 2014

    Amy, it kind of depends on the type of Narcissist he is. If he’s overt, he might use the opportunity to call you unsavory names, or even go so far as to follow you guys out on dates. He could even casually impose himself into your new guy’s social circle. Just let the new guy know you have a disordered Ex and you’re not sure what he might do. Then, just leave it at that and go about your life as though your Ex doesn’t exist. If he starts stalking you at your property, get a restraining order and again, try to act as though he doesn’t exist…

    Reply
Sue June 10, 2014

Kim, you’ve really hit the nail on the head! And how encouraging to read all the responses. I wish I had understood all this 10 years ago. I was married to a Narcissist for 8 years and have 3 wonderful sons. He made me feel that I was worth less than nothing and I believed him!!!!!! Part of my anger in recovery was directed at myself…how could I (an intelligent and attractive woman) allow him to reduce me to this state? He continued sending abusive texts and emails post divorce ( I moved to another city which really angered him as I have sole custody of our sons) but I had a wonderful attorney who put a stop to that which really aided in my recovery.
He moved on with the woman he had the affair with and they recently married. To all intents and purposes they are the happiest couple around. I have been in therapy on and off for 10 years (sounds awful) and posed the question to my therapist …’Why am I so relieved he has remarried?’ and his response was ‘Think about it and let me know. Well I don’t know why I feel so liberated but I think its because I know that he has managed to dupe someone else. I have these thoughts going round and round in my mind and can’t seem to come up with anything else. Just wondered if you could help me explain my relief as its really puzzling me.

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    Kim Saeed June 21, 2014

    Sue,

    I think part of the relief comes from knowing they’ve married someone and thus, (in most cases), have a new source of primary supply. Subconsciously, we feel that their toxic focus will be aimed at someone besides ourselves. That’s not a reflection on the new person, only that we feel we can finally exhale.

    Part of it, too, may come from believing (subconsciously)that if they can fool someone else, then we aren’t as gullible as they would have us believe, so then it wasn’t US after all. Or, as you said, that he was able to dupe someone else, meaning their deceitful hypnosis isn’t isolated to only you. It’s a form of validation.

    I hope those suggestions help!

    Reply
Natalie June 1, 2014

I really needed to hear this. I broke up with my narcissist because of our constant arguing but was still in love with him. I was really involved with his young child and it was a heartbreaking decision. Two weeks in I became flooded with regrets because I missed him. I look at his FB and on panoramic pic was a new girl and his son!!!! Then a week later pictures of them on vacation together surfaced ( a trip we had planned together) OMG totally devastated to be erase and replaced. Now I keep wondering why she is better? I picture everything to be perfect (he thinks she’s prettier, she is more agreeable and free spirited etc..) basically everything I’m not but better. They look so happy, it is just so hurtful. Cognitively I know this is an illusion but there intrusive thoughts that maybe his girl is healing him because she is so incredible.

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    Kim Saeed June 4, 2014

    Natalie, what you are experiencing is exactly his intention. It’s what they all do. You are correct, it’s all an illusion. She is not better, nor prettier. You only think that because he made you feel everything that went wrong was your fault, and here he’s running around the playground with a lollipop, showing you how “happy” he is…

    Keep in mind this new girl is being love-bombed, just as you were in the beginning. His plastering FB with pics of them serves two purposes…1) to build up the new girl’s false hopes of what their relationship will be like, and 2) to build up false illusions with you that she is better and he is happier.

    Don’t be fooled. It will only be a matter of time until she notices some cracks, and when she mentions them, she will fall hard off the pedestal and he will begin selecting his new supply, all while trying to weave in between new supply and old supply, anything to keep his false illusions of himself alive.

    I feel sorry for his child…how many their father’s partners will the child fall in love with, only for that love to be ripped away?

    Reply
      Natalie June 4, 2014

      Thanks for the response Kim. My heart breaks for his child too!!! I can’t stand that he probably asked about me and was greeted with a new girl. How sick! And, yes, normal people would be embarrassed to post pictures of their new partner with their child on their FB so quickly after a break up. For him it was a “look at me” moment rather than a moment that could be perceived by others as irresponsible parenting, at the very least. He is disordered!

      I have boycotted his FB and am trying to heal. Your website is extremely helpful!

      Reply
helen May 28, 2014

Thank you so much for this information it is so helpful to me two years on from the discard. I have learned a lot and am still learning every day about narcassism. My ex-husband forged my signature and added to our mortgage. I knew nothing about it until after he’d left me saying ‘ there used to be something about you when I first met you but there’s nothing about you anymore’. he followed the classic blueprint of the narc with another woman in the wings. I’ve always thought that they were living the dream while I was writhing in emotional agony. It has taken 2 years to realise….. it’s repeat, repeat, repeat, the same will happen in his current relationship and there will be a point when the pantomime scenary will come crashing down. I went to the police about the fraud..he was arrested (although told everyone that he hadn’t and it was all in my imagination etc etc), then charged and we went to Court.The National papers covered the trial and so everyone could see that it was true. He said I had a psychiatric disorder and that I was a convincing liar, I was a dishonest and dishonourable person. All untrue but so typical of a narc. I am so proud that I stood up to him. I spent a day in the witness box being cross examined and I have never ever felt so empowered. It was a hung jury meaning there were not enough who thought he was guilty to convict him, so the Crown Prosecution Service decided to re-trial. We go back on August 18th for a whole weeks criminal trial.At the announcement of the trial, the narc didnt turn up but sent his girlfriend into court to pick up the news! It has taken enormous courage and strength to do this and articles and information such as this keep me going. Many thanks for your inspiration. x

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2014

    Helen,

    Thank you for following my blog and for letting me know my articles have been helpful to you.

    I know how it feels when there is an upcoming hearing. It can be rather unnerving at times, but the best thing is to continue with the attitude you’ve shown in your comment. Also, spend some time every day visualizing your victory. Don’t allow any negative thoughts to enter your mind. If they do, say “Cancel and delete” out loud. Then, replace the thought with a positive one.

    When I was in your shoes, I placed index cards around my apartment congratulating myself for having won the hearing. I spent a lot of time meditating and praying, making sure to show my gratitude for any small victories up to that point.

    Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Reply
      helen May 31, 2014

      Thank you for your advice and your positive thoughts. x

      Reply
Alisha May 26, 2014

How do you stop yourself from loosing your pride and begging to know the truth. I just found out that my partner’s been chatting to another women – he and her are from the same country and speak the same language – messages sent to each other in their native tongue. I feel Iike i ican’t make the decision to walk away without knowing for certain what they have been talking about. Can’t sleep or eat and am driving myself insane not knowing. I’m close to begging here.

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    Kim Saeed May 26, 2014

    If you happen to find yourself in the company of his cell phone, forward a few of the messages to yourself and then go to Google translate and find out what they’re saying…

    I would never promote this kind of activity in normal situations. However, it might give you the finality you need to leave the relationship.

    Reply
      Anonymous May 27, 2014

      Thanks Kim, will wait for an opportunity to do just that. This is an awesome article. Helped a lot.

      Reply
      Alisha June 6, 2014

      So i got into the phone and took screen shots, sent to my phone and i deleted that off his phone. He’s been lying, surprise surprise! They’ve arranged a meeting on a day that he just was so desperate for the dentist. I confronted him and he denied everything, called me crazy saying all sorts of nasty things like I’m controlling, possessive and why can’t he have friends. He got so angry he shouted for the first time. My point is if there was nothing there, 1 why hide it. 2. Why get angry when i ask you whats happening? 3. How is it my fault that he’s a lying cheat?

      And so i packed my bags and walked out and that was 2 days ago. My heart has a physical ache and I’m forcing this happy smiling facade so that no one knows that we are no longer together. I don’t think the facade will last once my friends ask me what happened.

      When does it end? Feel so lost right now. Feel like I’m broken inside. I’ve been married and divorced before and i don’t think i felt like this then. Why is this time so different, before I was strong and i just need to find that strength again.

      Reply
Hope May 26, 2014

I was discarded officially on March 14, 2014 after my ex told me after we exchanged words that I was beneath her. It was a shock to me someone that comes from a good family, and considered herself to be smart, intelligent, caring person. After I heard those words that was all I could hear. Our confrontation began in a bar where we were both drinking. After she said those cruel words to me, then she began to come across the room and got in my face. I couldn’t hear anything that she said because I only remember those words. I grabbed a glass a smashed her in her face. I wanted to hurt her. All the anger, hurt and pain that I had built up in me for the last 18 months came to a head.
I was arrested. Went to jail, and an order of protection is against me. At the age of 47 I have never had anyone treat me that way or had me go down to a level that I have never been at. It was definitely an all time low for me. I know that she met someone else while she was discarding of me a little everyday. I could tell. My heart knew. I knew when we started that it was temporary and that I would end up getting hurt. That didn’t stop me because I felt that I could love her and change her and if she could see what a wonderful person I was she would want to be with me, but I was only being used until she found the person she wanted to be with.
I have since been in therapy and cut off everyone that was connected with her. I can’t go to the pub that I once considered a second home because she goes there. Sometimes I feel like a fish out of water. I feel as if I have lost my best friend and that a part of me has died. I know people say how can you feel that way. How can you still feel this way after how you were treated? When you love someone and you invest all your time and energy in that person. “Letting go” is difficult. Its a day to day to process. I do believe that she brought somethings about myself to the forefront. I was I am a good person, but I want to be better, and that has to be for me. Not for her. I tried to be something for her, but at the end of the day I can only be me. She didn’t love me. She loved that I loved her. That I would do anything for her. Even at the result of losing myself which I did.

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    Kim Saeed May 26, 2014

    Hope, this may sound a little bizarre, but I think there is such a prevalence of disordered people on earth right now because we are all going through a period of collective enlightenment.

    Had this occurrence not happened, you’d still be in the relationship giving your all with nothing in return. This experience can be the catalyst for a newer, transformed you, if you let it.

    Don’t dwell on the circumstances. You know what you are capable of and you don’t need to prove it to anyone besides yourself. The mistakes you made do not define you. So you got into a little trouble…that’s what these people bring out in us, instead of the higher things we are capable of.

    I hope you will find it in you to follow the healing methods on my site, and begin the work of self-love and self-acceptance. Try not to dwell on her or what happened, but on purging yourself of her toxicity and that of the relationship. That time and energy you invested in her…invest it in you.

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Leisa March 21, 2014

Wow, just wow… The last 4 years of my life is written in these pages! I was discarded for the new woman 4 weeks ago, and have been a shameful mess since then. I keep needing to pinch myself reading this as I cannot believe how accurately it states exactly what I am going through, how I feel, what has been said to me and used against me. I am in the process of moving away for 6 months to be with my family and away from my Ex as I know this is the only way I can heal properly. We have a child which has been a drama taking her but this week he is being agreeable, ( three weeks til we leave fingers crossed he doesn’t change his mind). Thank you so much for this site, since finding it last night I haven’t stopped reading your articles and will continue to do so at least everyday for the next 3 weeks! Already I feel stronger, and relieved that I’m not the absolute mess of a loser he had me thinking I was. I admit to having ‘fantasies’ of being with him again, but the more I read the more I see the fake love trap and am realising his idea of love and mine are completely different things. I could also see how I could have ended up being the other woman, almost setting myself up for it. Thank you, from the bottom of my wounded but strong heart. Xx

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    Kim Saeed March 28, 2014

    Leisa,

    I’m so glad to know my posts have been helpful to you.

    The sad truth is, Narcissists are aware they will discard us one day, even during the beginning of the relationship when we mistakenly think everything is magical. The fact is, they set us up to be a “shameful mess” when they discard us for someone else. I had absolutely no pride when I went back to my Ex the second time we separated. Looking back now, I know he felt like a total winner. But, the important thing is, I finally saw him for his truth.

    I hope all has been well with visitation with your daughter since you left your comment? In my experience, they will often act “agreeable” in the beginning, only to sucker punch us later when we feel comfortable with the situation.

    I wish you the very best. You can do this!

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      Torquoisesky July 20, 2014

      Your line “Narcissists are always aware they will discard us one day…” hits home. In our first year of marriage my husband said to me “someday I will tell my next girlfriend about you”! We were not fighting – we were just hanging out together. I was shocked and burst into tears asking him why he said that. He would not say anymore and went silent – the first of many times he would do it. Looking back now at the way the next 9 years played out, I realize he was never fully invested. He began making fun of my age – when I turned 30 I was like most women and wasn’t feeling particularly happy about it. He continued to bring that up for years – even after we split up! He is now 44 and with a 22 year old – I guess that is also common for them to find a younger version? I had no idea when we married that he saw me as his first wife…..a trial marriage. Still hurts me to think that I loved him and thought he loved me. He ended up beating me bloody on the day my miscarried baby would have been born – and he tells people we broke up because I didn’t want kids and he did. It will never make sense will it?

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        Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

        Torquoisesky,

        They all try to play the “you’re getting old” card. Seriously, every person I talk to has the same concern. The trick is not to take it to heart. I’ll be 44 in December and I’ve never been happier. (Though it took some healing work to get to that point).

        What are you doing in the way of moving forward and healing?

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abby March 13, 2014

Some of the ingredients are missing because of HIM and that’s why he doesn’t want it anymore…that is the irony of the narcissist.

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Jill M February 17, 2014

I had not had contact with my ex for four months. I found out that had been with several women in that time period. I found that out from his new woman when she approached me. After what had turned into an ugly encounter with his new woman, the following day my ex called me. He called to apologize and told me he loved me, and would I come back to him.

I did let him back into my life. Things seems to be going fairly well and then I received a call from him early one night. Made some lame excuse that just didn’t come out in the wash. I went and checked up on him and found that he was back cheating with the other woman.

Needless to say, I was devastated. When I confronted him he was vicious and as cold as ice. He acted this way in front of the other woman and I was so humiliated, that she was delighting in the discard. I felt so used, ashamed and heartbroken. I believe he was using me as a pawn of sorts, a punishment for the new woman not to approach me again.

I had wished I knew more about narcissists and how they are. If I had known, I would have never let him back in my life. I would have spared myself this pain. But now that I do know, he will never again get another chance to hurt me as he had. I had informed him that very night, that he is dead to me. And so he is.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2014

    I can relate to your pain. I’m so sorry you had to experience that…As much as the other woman delighted in seeing him treat you that way, she will get similar treatment at some point in time.

    For all it’s worth, I used to be completely obsessed with my ex, even after I left him. I thought I still loved him and missed him all the time, but that was before I learned about Narcissists. Now, I see him for what he is and all the feelings of love are gone. In fact, most of what I felt was a result of trauma bonding, and the realization that I missed him because I’d been brainwashed was enough to make me sick.

    How is your self-esteem these days? Do you feel okay?

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      Tothineownselfbetrue June 28, 2014

      Kim – Thank you so much for sharing that you still loved him and missed him. I left my N last August and have had good days of feeling strong and knowing what he is to bad days of hitting my knees and bawling because he has a new girlfriend. I was with my N for 24 years. The last 4 were the worst. I had gained weight from comfort foods and being on meds because I was the “crazy one”…I had no self esteem and still don’t. I almost send an email telling him how sorry I was for all my wrongs – but have decided not to because he has never once apologized for any of the horrible things he did to me. My N has not made ANY attempt at trying to come back in my life. I left him hoping that he would “wake up” and miss me – nope he quickly filed for divorce. I was devastated. I think about him constantly and wonder what if his new girlfriend will succeed where I failed. Some days I do feel as if I am the sick one. Our children – one 20 and the other 23 don’t understand why I still cry and miss him or would ever think about going back to him. There are days where I feel as if I gave him the best years of my life and now that I am at an age where men only want younger women (which he also has)…no one will ever look at me or be with me. I sometimes think my loneliness is what makes me miss him. Sick right? Why would I want someone who called me sick and demented, a f*ing B, a f*ing fat ass, walk 10 – 15 yards ahead of me because he didn’t want people to know I was his wife. He even told me he didn’t want me at the gym because he was ashamed for people to know I was his wife. Well…now he has someone who of course is thin and young. It is very helpful to read posts by others who have experienced an N. He has my old Pastors and church fooled. The old “wolf in sheep clothing” but I keep it to myself because I figure eventually the true colors will come out. He has pretty much discarded his children…hardly talks to them because they will not accept the new girlfriend. Telling them that the need to “Honor thy Father.” I have not encouraged them to accept the new girlfriend either…jealousy on my part. But she has also made comments to my son that are not kind…so he can’t stand her. Any way thank you for the website – It has been helpful for me on this “bad” day.

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        Kim Saeed June 29, 2014

        Tothineownselfbetrue, I’ve just replied to your other comment…but in hindsight, the less time your children spend with your Ex and his new partner, the better, for all of you. If he doesn’t want his children, it’s not a good idea for them to be in his company and thereby make them feel as badly as you do. This man is sick and has no conscience. I hope you’ll take my advice and visit the DV center for support.

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Isilzha February 5, 2014

It’s just too weird that you’ve managed to describe my 21 year marriage and the brutal devalue (the last 4 years were an absolute nightmare of emotional/verbal abuse and physical intimidation and acts of violence) and the discard I went through last spring! Everything is so eerily similar including me cowering on the floor with him standing over me screaming in rage. His affair, the discard for a New Supply and him not even telling me he rented an apartment until he was sure this NS was secured (at one point he even whined to me that she wouldn’t talk to him…and this was AFTER he had promised it was over and no more contact with her). It’s bizarre; I swear there IS some sort of blueprint to this Narc horror show.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2014

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are right, there does seem to be some sort of blueprint for how these people are. I touch on this in a book I am writing. It doesn’t matter if they’re in Florida or the North Pole, they all do and say the same things.

    I wouldn’t worry too much about the new woman. She will get the same treatment at some point. The only time Narcs stay with their victim is if said victim completely gives up their identity. Some codependent types do that. However, even with having someone who literally worships them, Narcs are still playing the field and living as if single.

    Thank you for sharing.

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Voo Loo February 4, 2014

I love the references to the “man baby”. God, so true…..I am exhausted, fearful, doubting reality all because of this extremely bizarre relationship that, of course, no one believes. Thank you for this post.

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Anonymous February 3, 2014

Thank you for this super helpful post, Kim. It really helped to shed some light on things for me.
I left my ex almost 4 years ago, we were together for nearly 8 years. He promptly turned around and started dating one of my best friends, whom I had been there for through thick and thin. It was a horrible betrayal, and even years and countless therapy sessions later, I still feel the sting and pain of it. Some days, I think I always will.
I hard a hard time in the beginning, understanding how he could be so awful to me like this. But now I understand that she is like a puppy dog that will never leave him. Thank god I got out when I could.
It’s never something you expect, to get over an abusive relationship with a narc. I’m fortunate that I now have a loving relationship with a wonderful man. I just hope one day that I will not feel such anger towards him (and her!) I’m tired of feeling badly about it. I appreciate your post as it helps to read that the narc’s new loves are not great loves.

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    Kim Saeed February 16, 2014

    Thank you for reaching out. I am very happy to know that my article was helpful to you in understanding the Narc’s mind and putting some of your troubles at ease. Don’t beat yourself up too much about not being able to completely forgive your Ex and your friend. Sometimes healthy anger is helpful because it helps us from getting into the same situation in the future because we are forced to be more analytical, which is hard for some people who may be more of the compassionate type. But, it is part of our growing process…

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emergingfromthedarknight January 27, 2014

Thank you Kim. that helps me understand a lot.

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emergingfromthedarknight January 27, 2014

It is really hard coming out of it when they tell you all the ways in which you failed. If you suffer from low self esteem it is a living hell and so hard to believe it is not all your fault. I spent over a year in that painful place of questioning all my ‘failures’ and then trying to work it out with him over email. In the end as I shared on another one of your posts, I did let go, I had to make a decision to not check out his facebook page ever. I have held to that, as by then he had a new girlfriend who I have been told helped him in all the ways he needed it and she seemed so much more together than me. (it is true due to my low self esteem I allowed his abuse). I was depressed and very lonely when I met him and isolated too without a job and suffering from post traumatic stress due to the breakup of my marriage so it was easy to take the blame and I questioned if I was the narcissist as he told me how difficult it was to be in a relationship with me. But his image of me did not tally with what my friends and family believe….his behaviour could split and there would be rages or cut offs when I did not meet his needs…..anyway I am free of it now and was from the time I said to myself I had to put him out of my heart and mind as best I could and work on healing me. He didn’t pursue me as I could not live up to his ideal of a worthwhile partner…but after we separated I was lucky to meet his ex wife’s second husband and he confirmed that she had been abused by him although the story he told about her was how inadequate she was… something her second husband said was a web of lies… without that help I don’t know if I would have recovered.

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    Kim Saeed January 27, 2014

    Narcissists will never accept responsibility. They will always, ALWAYS blame their partner when the relationship ends, along with a history of your supposed faults and transgressions. They also will find ways to justify all of the wrongs they committed and turn them around on their partner.

    His statement that it was “too hard” to be in a relationship with you is due to the fact that you were going through a difficult time, and therefore may not have supplied him with 110% of narcissistic supply. It’s no secret that when their partners are down, they hate it because then they aren’t getting what THEY need. Instead of helping their partner who is ill, injured, or having a breakdown, they become offended because that leaves them to take care of their own business.

    Don’t believe the lies that the new girl took care of him. What that means is, she sacrificed herself to take care of an adult-sized baby. Eventually, she will wear down, and he will discard her in the same way that he did you.

    We are nothing but hosts to them. When they have sucked us dry, they move on to the next one…

    We all make mistakes, but we are nowhere NEAR what the Narc paints us out to be. Our faults come out of being too nice, too trusting, and being hurt by constant betrayals.

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      dropped like a rock August 3, 2014

      Thank you for your information. I was married for 24 years to a textbook narcissist, but never did any research. I just knew he was jekyll and hyde. It’s been 6 years since he left me (over the phone). He called me to tell me he’s leaving me. I asked him where he was going, Vegas? I never saw it coming. He tried to suck me back a couple of times and as much agony as I was in I knew I couldn’t have him in my life at all, not even as a “friend.” His girlfriend was mean to me through emails and at parties, making sure that I know he’s hers now. Anyway, he is getting remarried after a 6 year roller coaster relationship with her. It was just 6 months ago they were on a break and he was doing online dating and not speaking to her and then he sucked her back in. And this was after my kids were telling me about the drama she posted on facebook (which she has done before. I couldn’t help it, I found her nasty emails from 6 years ago and wrote her an email to tell her to keep her drama private and not on facebook because my daughters don’t need to see that. I also told her a few other things about what he’s been saying to his friends over the years and it gets back to me. And I told her that had she not been so mean (well a bitch to me) I may stick up for her once in a while because it doesn’t seem like anyone in his circle ever sticks up for her. My kids tell me that she is a tag along and that their relationship is empty, but they are nice to her. She forwarded my email to him and told him that she never wants to see him again. He texted me right away to tell me he saw the email and that I’m ill. (we normally have NO contact since our kids are older) Then 6 weeks later, proposed to her. he’s very wealthy but she has money as well. None of it makes sense. At first I was hurt, but this is really what needs to happen so that she can finally meet the real him. Up until now, they only see each other a few times a month even though they live in the same city. He told my daughters that he needs to get married so that he can get to know her kids before they graduate (never was an involved dad with ours) and told his friends that it makes sense to get married because she does her thing and he does his. ” I hope he has some kind of will so that she doesn’t inherit all of his assets (I will never discuss this with them). Some of his friends told me that they don’t think he’ll go through with it, but I think my email triggered his proposal. It’s de ja vu. I remember him breaking up with me and I never tried contacting him. He kept calling and turned on the charm and out of the blue, he proposed. I think he realized that it will be too much work to try and get another girlfriend. I think that in his mind, he was never a cheater because he always broke up first before trying to find another woman. AND I don’t think any woman ever gave him a second look until they found out he’s loaded.
      Anyway, I’ve been hurting for 6 years. And you pointed out a lot of what I’ve been going through. I only remember the good things. When ever he probably sensed I had enough that’s when he would throw me the bone and reel me back in. I made the mistake of never addressing it, and just picked up where we left off. I figured that he loves me and can’t help it. Looking back and having read about narcissists and seeing friends in the same kind of relationship, I realized what mind games he played with me and our kids always trying to work them against me. I actually kept a diary because I thought i was going crazy when he would tell me that I’m making shit up. Anyway, I finally met someone who seemed to have gone through what I did and I don’t hear “when are you going to get over him” and “move on” etc. For some reason I just don’t get it, even with all the reading I’ve done. It hurts to know he’s doing things with her after I always wanted to do them with him. He told me that the reason he divorced me is because he is a lone wolf. He wants to be by himself and is done raising a family. But he is doing all the opposite. He tried to get me to bite a couples times during the first year with her, and told me things like he would go see a doctor and that she wasn’t even serious. I told him to please go see a doctor but not for me, for her. That was painful. Because he did. He got pills for a libido. Damn, I never thought of that while we were married. So, I guess I get jealous sometimes thinking that she gets cuddling.
      Anyway, here I am again, once I get started, I keep remembering things. And when people tell me to get over it, I try to explain that it wasn’t just him leaving me. I lost my whole life, all the people I knew while we were married. His life didn’t change except he got a sexier version of me with the new girlfriend.
      I try to count my blessings. I don’t get put down anymore. I can go places and enjoy my trips, my kids are not disrespectful to me like they were when we were married. And I was finally able to start my own business and not worry if it fails or not. I don’t have anyone telling me I’m not capable.
      I really didn’t think my life was that bad until I was able to look back at it. It was bad. It sucked. My family told me that they watched my self esteem deteriorate over the years and wonder why the hell I was so sad about getting divorced from him. I think part of my problem is that i only hear about their trips and the parties they were at. I know what hes’ like behind closed doors and really she hasn’t met his dark side yet. And maybe I’m just waiting for her to apologize for treating me like I was some awful person that he had to leave when he really had no reason. (just like he has no reason to break up with her during the last 5 years. I a
      I think my problem is that I’m afraid that I will have this hole in my heart forever. And I can’t let my boyfriend in. I feel like the rug will be pulled out from underneath me at any moment.

      Reply
Ivy January 23, 2014

I loved these stories! Very relatable stuff. Especially the losers I dated when living in Manhattan in the 80’s. Please stop by my bog here on WP – The Society for Recovering Doormats. I have seen you on my FB page by the same name. Thanks for supporting me there. SO glad I found your site. Ivy aka Rose 🙂

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    Kim Saeed January 25, 2014

    Hi there! Very glad you found me here on WP 🙂 I love your posts :)and the name of your blog…I am definitely a Recovering Doormat!

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dianaiannarone January 22, 2014

Reblogged this on diana iannarone and commented:
A good rendition of the truth!

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jstewart127 January 22, 2014

Here’s a question. If they get bored do easily and are always looking for new supply, then how do they stay married? They’ve been together for 8 years, do how are they making it work? He told me how she didn’t appreciate him, etc., but now they do seem happier than ever. I saw a picture of him wearing a wedding ring which he NEVER did before. Can you explain the dynamic of this relationship? You’re right, he left with no explanation other than he said he had to be responsible. I begged him to tell me he loved his wife and wanted to make it work, but he refuses to say that to me always wanting to leave it open-ended. I’m just curious what marriage is like with an N?

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    Kim Saeed January 22, 2014

    Most of them stay married because while they may be bored, their spouse provides a lot of conveniences in the relationship. For example, mine barely held down a job, was impulsive…meaning, he had all these ideas for a business but never followed through, he refused to enter into a contract (mortgage, rent for condo, townhome), was irresponsible so I was the one that took care of EVERYTHING, etc. However, the marriage made him look good my association, meaning he looked stable in the eyes of his social circle and outsiders. It was all just another way to bolster his image.

    He’s probably looking all happy with her because perhaps she wanted to divorce and he’ desperately trying to hold on to her because she makes life easy for him. Wearing the ring may have been one of her conditions. Of course, I say all these things with the assumption of his being a Narcissist. The fact he seems to be trying to keep a crack open to return to you makes me believe it’s possible. If he tries to return to you, just inform him that he made his decision and he needs to live with it. Don’t put yourself into a position where you are someone’s second thought.

    If he’s really a Narc, he will come back, trying to root back into your life, taking your emotions hostage. Go ahead and block his number from your phone and block him from email, as well.

    Oh, and to answer your last question, marriage to a Narc is unbearable. Many people lose their finances, their careers, and some go on to take their own lives. You are better off without him, either way…

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      Christine July 2, 2014

      Hi All,
      After reading this post and everyone else’s comments I can’t figure out what my ex narcassist is up to!

      After two years of no contact, a few weeks back he sent a text. He has not stopped texting me since. I have not responded but I do know that he is engaged to be married. He is getting married this coming December. What I don’t understand is why he is deciding to text me now. Telling me that he misses me etc. From everything I have read, I am thinking that this may be a form of triangulation, or wanting me to be the OW.

      Why do they get married? I don’t understand it. He was married to his first wife for over 20 years and during that time he told me that he did cheat on her. You see, he was the victim because she was such a horrible person. At the time I believed him but I know better now. How she survived for over 20 years is beyond me!

      When I found out he was getting married, I was crushed. She is 14 years his senior and 8 years younger than me. I don’t know what she does or what she looks like. I will admit that I have been crushed since I found out. It was like all the pain came back again and just when I was starting to feel better. Why is this happening now? I keep telling myself that if he is truly happy about getting married then he wouldn’t be contacting me. But then again, he is a narcassist and that’s what they do!

      Is he happier with her? Maybe. But then why contact me every week? Sometimes I wish I could just confront him or even his fiancé and show her all of the texts. But I am not going to do that. I don’t want to be involved with him or his new life. I just want him to disappear.

      Even though I say that, I still want to know, is he happier with her? Has he changed? My head knows the answers to these questions, I just wish my heart would listen to my head.

      At least I can give myself credit for not responding to his texts! Still doesn’t make my situation any easier though.

      Any thoughts on getting me to stop dwelling on this new woman and his perfect life would be appreciated.

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jstewart127 January 22, 2014

I was the other woman and was discarded just the same. He was a flame from my past and showed up after 14 years. Made promises to me. I was the love of his life. After 6 months of love bombing, he just changed and went back to his wife. It’s not fair to her I know, but it hurt just the same. Now he’s back to living the “dream life” with her that he promised me.

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    Kim Saeed January 22, 2014

    One thing to keep in mind is that he and his wife aren’t really living the “dream life”, although it may seem that way on the outside.

    If he had been a decent man, he would have explained that after thinking about it, he’d decided to try to make things work with his wife. Instead, it seems he dropped you like a hot potato without a second thought. No good person does that.

    In spite of the pain, I hope you can see that he actually did you a favor by showing you his true colors. You don’t really miss him, but the idea of him and the hope of a blissful future together. Keep those ideals close to heart and you will eventually find the right person to share them with.

    Hugs,

    Kim

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      D July 13, 2014

      You should feel sorry for her…she has been his supply before you and will be again. He did to her what he will do forever..run back to the supply that he knows will always be there volunteering all her energy to him. Be grateful he left…and wipe your brow with a sigh of relief. My Narc did the same thing to me…and then wrote me to tell me “it’s empty here…” trying to send out the hook that they all use. I said…”and you are telling me why…” and got a extended explanation of why I am his real soulmate and blah blah blah…heard it before. By the way…we were engaged when we were 18 and now at 57 he is still repeating the same patterns he always did that I forgot. It is all about them because that is the Narc pattern. I am so very sorry that you went through this and I hope you will one day realize you were given a blessing by his going back to his old life. NO CONTACT is mandatory to survive….sending you good intentions.

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        dina miller August 13, 2016

        I am just learning about Narcs,I have dated one for 10 years. As i was reading what you wrote it hit me,he has cheated on me numerous times and I kicked him out 3 different times(he of course already had another supplier)but it would go bad rather quickly and I would get the same call..i miss “us”,I love you,remember all the good times! He knew he was the love of my life..i feel like such a fool.I kept a journal and looking back at it..i KNEW and let him do it anyway😡

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This is spot on!

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    Kim Saeed January 22, 2014

    🙂 Thanks!

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JAP January 21, 2014

Kim,

once again you are so but so spot on. I know you are familiar with my story (and thanks to you I was able to understand my ex girlfriend was a narc), but for those reading the comments I will share the final hours of my relationship.

When I realized how toxic my girlfriend had become, I decided to put an end to the relationship despite the fact she (supposedly) “loved me” and would go anywhere in the world to be with me. She kept saying that for 2 weeks then suddenly texted me to let me know that she had committed to a new relationship, and was flaunting her new love EVERYWHERE on social media. Obviously she did that to hurt me… but thank god I found this blog shortly after. Needless to say the grieving could have been so much worst…

And since she is such a textbook narcissist I knew why she was doing that. All of her friends are “surprised” by this supposedly new found love. But yet she didn’t hesitate to attempt a hoover. Which I ignored.

Don’t believe what you see. They are miserable. Although all of their words and posts and updates are about “happiness” and happy days.

Stay strong and remember they don’t feel!

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Kay January 21, 2014

My ex is in the process of leaving. After saying he was ” thinking of leaving” and making me jump through hoops to prove I wasn’t that bad and we could make it work he finally admits his “friend” is more his mistress and he’s hoping she leaves her husband and they can live happily ever after. After knowing how she chased him and his lies and broken promises I think they deserve each other, until she does something unforgivable, like I did, not stacking the dishwasher correctly and not listening to how he wanted the shoes lined up. I almost feel sorry for her but any “warning” from me would only cause friction and bad feelings and I have the kids to consider. I will be the better person and watch the relationship disintegrate from afar, whilst trying not to gloat too openly as that is a bad emotion and not one I pride myself on, but hey, I’m human!

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    Kim Saeed January 21, 2014

    Kay, I’m sorry for what’s happened to you, but glad to see that you understand what has happened and that his new relationship is doomed from the start.

    Hang in there. Better days are yet to come!

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      Kay January 27, 2014

      Intellectually I ‘understand’ his actions, the fact that after losing my mum to breast cancer then coping with a new baby I may not have been giving him as much attention as he wanted. I feel sorry that he believes his own lies, that everyone is against him and to trust is to be a fool. I have displayed some self centred traits and ‘played the victim’ to a certain extent but am trying to believe, as I recognise my faults and try and repair them, that I am not just as much a narc as he is. his current erratic behaviour is only highlighting his disorder, wanting his ‘private life’ yet getting verbally abusive when I dont tell him what im doing/who I’m seeing. controlling me by keeping finances tight and not being able to ‘afford’ to move out but playing ‘happy families’ whilst running off to his new love whenever he feels like it. I hate the way he is making me almost resent my kids for tying me down with their love. I dont want to be a single parent but have no choice, have tried my best but invested my trust in the wrong person. The light at the end of the tunnel currently feels like its a train.

      Reply

I love this!

It is like you ripped a page from my life. I have been blogging about my pain at my other blog: http://myabandonedself.com/ I call my Ex Narc “Tin Man” and his new wife (yep, he’s remarried, already) Troll Face. Contrary to your article, my Ex married a very unattractive woman; however, I hear she has something I don’t have and never had, a lot of $$$$$.

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    Kim Saeed January 21, 2014

    I feel sorry for both of you…well, I feel sorry for your pain, but very happy that you were given the gift of the Narc leaving because now you can begin anew.

    The new gal will find out soon enough that no amount of money will save what she believes to be true love. Sounds familiar…the first time my Ex and I separated, he was already shacked up with new supply who had money, too.

    Like your blog 🙂

    Reply

      My Ex told me that the reason he wanted a divorce is because he didn’t like being married. Little did I know, he had a woman on the side, and he was plotting his next move(s) with her. When I heard the news that he married her I wasn’t the least bit surprised.

      Initially I had felt sorry for her, but she has said and done some nasty things to me so now she’s on her own. I don’t care what happens to her. She’ll learn, just like I learned — the hard way!

      I’m better off without him. I didn’t see it at first, but now I see clearly. My life is infinitely better.

      And thank you, I like yours too. 🙂 I don’t often comment as I tend to lurk, but I couldn’t help myself this time. Your post was spot on.

      xx
      -Susan

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    Lina September 1, 2014

    My ex left me for a very unattractive woman as well! And it hurts even more. I’m a part time model and leaving em for this slutty piece of trash has destroyed me. I can not get over it…I try to understand but I can’t. And she has no money, she’s a 30-year old waitress. I’m driving myself insane trying to figure it out. He claims the sex is unbelievable and that is why he’s sticking with her now…I just feel sick.

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      I just found out the hard way that it is best to not open the door and allow these selfish a-holes to continue to hurt us. I recently broke *no contact* with my Ex and he used that opportunity to tell me that he never loved me and “truly loves” his new wife. He repeatedly told me how he would ever do to her what he did to me because he “truly loves her”.

      After he and I parted ways I knew, I knew from the depths of my soul that I would never ever speak to him again. This vow has gone beyond *no contact*. I refuse, flat out refuse to allow him to hurt me anymore. I no longer give a sh*t. It took me until that interaction to see that he adds ZERO VALUE to my life. I wish I knew a fast lane to this feeling but unfortunately I do not. You’re going to have to arrive at a place of peace and healing on your own.

      Just remember, you are worthy of so much more than this a-hole. Do not allow him to continue to hurt you. I know it’s difficult, believe me, I know, but we must try and slam the door in their faces and never ever answer the door again.

      🙂

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      Bette Eastman Lmt July 10, 2016

      Waitresses/waiters are viewed as servers by the narcs. The narcoid who was in my life called the bubbly (married-which equals high-point bonus for narcs) woman at Subway ‘My sandwich maker’; the bubbly, dark-skinned woman (wore a cross around her neck…Spiritual victims are super bonus points for narcs) who worked at CVS his ‘little black girl’. He used his classic vehicles and his friendly dog to bait his victims.

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Anonymous January 21, 2014

Well done once again! Beautiful articulation of the painful reality…and good positioning to help people see, nothing was real, so no real LOVE was every lost, nor will it ever be found with them.

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    Kim Saeed January 21, 2014

    Thank you! It’s my goal to help undo some of the damage caused by these predators and expose their ugly truth…

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      dianaiannarone January 22, 2014

      That was me btw that posted about your articulation…remember me and technology, don’t know why I am not pictured! LOL;) I am so enjoying your work.

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        Kim Saeed January 22, 2014

        😀

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      stroud 23 May 13, 2014

      Mine was abusive…even beat me up while I was 5 months pregnant with our 4th child….he then left me for his ex gf that he had been cheating on me with after us being together for 5 years….now hes denying our youngest and has gotten the girl he left me for pregnant. He ruined me emotionally and financially sucked me dry……my question is will he be her prince charming? He treated me awful for 5 years and I was too stupid to leave..he left me a week before our third child was born for his married ex gf. I cant quit obsessing over how now he’s starting a new family with the whore he cheated on me with.

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      Anonymous July 26, 2014

      I just read your article of Jan 21, 2014. Wow… I have recently realized post break up of 4 mos. initiated by my ex boyfriend of 1.5 yrs that I had been in love, infatuated, had completely adored and worshipped that he is a classic narc. I never knew of this ter before. He swept me off my feet as I was divorcing my husband of 32 yrs. My ex spouse was my HS sweetheart so I was very naive and vulnerable as I entered the dating world in my 50’s. I am 55. This ex bf is 69. Good looking fit for his age. Extremely charming and charismatic. All things my ex husband wasn’t. My ex spouse is a good Christian man but we were living like bro and sis. Love was gone as it s/b. 3 weeks after meeting my ex bf he convinced me to break my lease and move in with him. I was elated. He helped me move my belongings into his home. I thought I landed in a fairy tale. He would look at me with such adoration yet tell me he will fix my flaws and make me able to hold my head up proudly. He promised to redecorate his spare room for my daughter when she was with me. In the Fall he’d say…Fall never came. He promised to set up my computer on my desk in his finished basement. He never followed through when I’d ask he told me I don’t really need my computer as he “lets” me use his when it’s available. He kept talking of a new door wall install in his home a do it yourself project also for the Fall. Fall never came again and when he decided to sell in the Spring he was working swiftly to install the door wall and I reminded him he never took the time when he had it in the Fall and he turned that around on me and said it was be us I never offered to help him! He is retired. I work full time. It would take me 20 min to get home but God forbid I got home even 5 add’l min more he’d interrogate me about why I was “late”, I would explain stopping at a store he’d ask why? I told him I needed shampoo etc. He would say he would have picked it up. Or if I was just less than 1/2 hour late he’d tell me I was the most inconsiderate person he’d ever known be us I didn’t give him the courtesy to call yet we had no plans were just staying home hardly going anywhere in the evenings. I started to feel trapped yet I loved him!!! He only allowed me to have time with my daughter I will give him that. But friends? He would find fault with all of them and tell me I didn’t ‘t need friends like that. He would tell me when I am a mere 5 min late that he’d worry if I was in a car accident. Ridiculous I’d say…I told him he had trust issues because of his 2nd of 3 wives had cheated on him. He cheated on the 1st wife Mom of 4 of his 6 kids. The third wife shortest marriage 8 yrs. She like the other 2 wives divorced him. She’s a wonderful grounded successful lady. I have met all 3 ex wives. The 3rd he had no children and she had none but she had $$$ and he got quite a nice monetary settlement from her, she was generous. He would often say he was always indebted to her because her generosity allowed him to retire early comfortably. He would still be working otherwise. He worked multiple jobs over his lifetime. Owned 2 businesses briefly. Would never settle too long either being fired or quitting. When he was fired he said he’d done nothing wrong! In the beginning he and I would cuddle in his recliner then it ended he saying it was too crowded. He first promised dancing bowling etc. we never did either. Whenever we’d go anywhere to a store. Ice cream shop. To his kid’s he always walked way ahead of me with the excuse I walk too slow. No consideration. He had pet names for me at first. Eventually I stopped hearing them and near the end I was called foul hurtful names. Sex was always initiated by him. I was afraid to initiate it as I was afraid of rejection. I gave back rubs nightly. I never got one back rub I asked why and he said be us he is King! He would often say all women love him and that he’s perfect. Loved his looks and loved the mirror. I moved into my own home even tho I had doubts I let him move in with me. When he did and moved all of both of our things in I would get constant reminders about how much he saved me by moving me for free. I never asked him to and he moved his things too! He did take care of the grass and snow but often reminded me how lucky I was to have him to do that. I did not take advantage of him often paying him for favors he did. I bought him many gifts. He bought me one necklace near the end. Didn’t believe in gift giving yet he was happy to get gifts from me. He’d talk to my neighbors about all the things “we” wanted to do with ” our” house…I didn’t like him referring to it as ” our” house but always kept quiet be us I loved him! I was afraid he’d leave. His only friends are women mostly ex girlfriends. He’s had countless #’s of relationships all that he ended. He contained to allow one ex gf to come over 2 x week (or so he said) to see their mutual dog that he kept. Told me he doesn’t like jealousy so I had better understand. I didn’t want to lose him so I conceded. He “bought” me a ring once (only other item besides the one necklace) I paid 1K and he paid 300.00 toward it. Then he’d brag to everyone that they should look at the gorgeous ring he bought me! I overlooked it be us I felt happy to wear a ring that represented ” us”. The ex gf hated me talked vial of me and didn’t even know me. She is the one who reveled in coming over 2 x week to make me uncomfortable. Spiteful and evil. But I continued to allow it so as to please him. She was over while I was at work so I had to trust him. Yet I don ‘t believe he trusted me. He also lies and steals ( which he brags about) steals from stores saying he deserves it be us prices are too high and the stores have more money than him! That disgusted me and I told him so and told them I wanted to hear no more of it ! He broke up with me in Feb. this year yet stayed 3 mos until he could move into the new home he bought. He always paid me rent but I had paid him rent too. He was non confrontational and I could never debate with him if I pointed out the obvious he became angry and childlike would have a tantrum of sorts! Yet he would tell me often that I was childish. He often told me I will never find anyone better than him. He is the best. I still went to see him on weekends when he moved I did a lot of work in his house telling him it was in appreciation for all he did for me. He loved that! The more I did the better. We would sleep together and have sex. Btw sex was always one sided he was satisfied and it was over never mind if I was. But recently he met his next “victim” and I was abruptly told I couldn’t come over anymore that it was best for me. I have been trying the no contact and it isn’t easy. I was addicted to him like a drug. I still feel I am. If he called now and asked me to come over I would be strongly tempted to do so . Why? Why such a powerful hold? Everything is all about him. There were 4 mos before he broke up with me that he wouldn’t touch me. I found out he’d been spending time with the ex gf and I asked him if they had been intimate again and he vehemently denied it. Just before he moved out he wanted sex with me and I allowed it thinking I was winning him back. So much more to say but writing this has been healing. I hope I can find true love and put this hurt behind me. Pam

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        Kim Saeed July 27, 2014

        Anon,

        I am sorry that you went through this experience.

        The reason you crave him is because when we’ve been emotionally abused, we become mentally and biochemically addicted to the peptides that are released by the hypothalamus. Each of our emotions has corresponding peptides. With the Narcissist, our body produces the ones associated with the drama (fear, uncertainty, paranoia, etc.). Since these emotions are so extreme, our body gets addicted to them and that’s why we feel “high” when we feel the Narcissist wants us or that we have some sort of power over the situation (which is really an illusion).

        When we go No Contact, we essentially go through withdrawal. That’s why your emotions are so heightened during this time. And just like being in rehab, you must go moment-by-moment, day-by-day, until the need to re-engage slowly dissipates.

        Best of luck with your recovery.

        Blessings and light,

        Kim

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      Andi August 5, 2014

      Hello, just came across this article and had to smile, it’s what I have been telling myself all along about my ex. Today would have been our 36th wedding anniversary, divorce was final in April. He left for his high school girlfriend. I was feeling very depressed because of what the day is and the fact that I was talking with a friend on the way to work who said that she had a conversation with him yesterday and described himself to her as “happy for the first time in my life” but I do believe that she is just what you describe here, something fresh and new and appealing, but is she really worth 39 years of your life (that’s how long we had been together), his children (who have not spoken to him since he left two years ago) and his grandchildren (one that he has never even seen) and a large circle of close friends that have also excluded him in their lives? It is hard to move on, he is the only life I have ever known and everyone tells me that he will wake up one day when this fantasy comes to an end and he realizes that he was chasing stones when he already had a diamond. I hope that if that day ever does come that I will have found true happiness and love with someone who loves me!

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    Why