A common theme regarding Narcissists is how they all behave the same. They use the same brainwashing techniques, say the same hurtful things, and participate in the same sadistic behaviors. It’s as though “Narcissism 101” is offered in universities all over the world.
What we often overlook is that their victims participate in their own behaviors, too.
Victims fall for the love-bombing, make excuses for the narcissist – allowing them to leave the relationship and come back whenever they please. Many come to realize that their Narcissist has another lover, and somehow accept it. When the relationship ends, victims all suffer the same torment, obsessive thoughts, depression, and worse…some go on to take their own lives.
Before I go further, victims do not by any means deserve what they get from the Narcissist. I am not a Narc sympathizer. I simply want to illustrate another dimension that keeps us hooked in their twisted, toxic game.
Narcissists and their victims share one thing in common. They each look outside of themselves for validation. The Narcissist needs someone to make him or her feel adored, superior, worthy, and (most often) to provide everything the Narcissist needs such as money, property, resources, connections, food, care-taking, etc. They’re needy, and they require someone to fulfill those needs. They use lies, manipulation, control, brainwashing, projection, and other low-level tactics to feel validated.
Victims, on the other hand, are givers. They bend over backwards to provide whatever their inner circle needs, whether it be the Narcissist or other people close to them. They do it because they have a giving, caring, and loving nature. They give and give to the point of their own detriment. Victims do this because this is how they show their love, because their conscience rules their actions, and also to prove their worth and gain acceptance. Victims do not establish boundaries. (Even if we do, we let them trample on those boundaries) Almost all victims are co-dependents, and our actions enable the Narcissist to continue their reign over us.
Vibrationally, the Narcissist emits “energetic waves” of neediness, while their victims emit “energetic waves” of wanting to fulfill others’ needs. The Narcissist is a taker, their victims are givers. Narcissists take from others to prove their worth, and Co-dependents give to others to prove their worth. Two pieces of a puzzle that fit together perfectly. But, as you see, they both look outside for validation.
But, what does that look like vibrationally? And what the heck does that mean, anyway? I’ll explain it from a victim’s standpoint. After all, it’s not like a Narcissist will ever read this post because they generally have no interest in changing.
In most cases, victims grow up believing that love has elements of pain. We believe this because that’s been our experience. We may have had a tough childhood where we didn’t feel loved. Perhaps many of the relationships we had during youth created within us low self-esteem. We went through life looking outside of ourselves for our worth, and ultimately, we didn’t get it. Over the years, this became ingrained in our subconscious, and became the energy that we harbor within ourselves. And that’s the energy we send out vibrationally, and also why we keep attracting more of the same kind of relationships.
The typical co-dependent personality includes the following:
By all accounts, I was an extreme co-dependent and that’s precisely why I stayed in a relationship with a Narcissist for eight years. These behaviors kept me from forming a lasting relationship with the most important person in my life…myself.
If we don’t work on loving ourselves, and cease looking outside of ourselves for our worth, what good are we to anyone else? If we don’t change our fundamental beliefs, we will never be a good partner, a good friend, a good parent, and so on because most or all of our actions come from a place of not feeling good enough. Sure, we may think we’re being a good person by supplying people with everything they need, but ultimately we end up tired and resentful because no one is fulfilling our needs.
We cannot send out vibrations of feeling unworthy and unloved and expect to receive anything more than that.
That’s why it’s crucial that we work on raising our vibration (in addition to No Contact) in order to change our ingrained beliefs of not being worthy, to those of loving ourselves and realizing we are worthy…and that must come from inside.
Raising your vibration takes time, but if you work on it consistently, you will begin to notice your life changing for the better, your levels of joy will increase, you’ll find yourself no longer caring about others’ opinion of you, and your relationships will improve drastically.
Join thousands of others who are getting weekly updates, healing tips, and empowered living advice - and receive instant access to:
The Beginner's Healing Toolkit! Start healing from Narcissistic Abuse now!