Tawdry “Authors" Exposed! – Don’t Fall for “Ph.D.” Authors Regarding Narcissism

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Jan 31

As I browsed Amazon, a suggestion appeared based on other titles I’ve viewed on the topic of Narcissism.

The One-Way Relationship Workbook: Step-by-Step Help for Coping With Narcissists, Egotistical Lovers, Toxic Coworkers, and Others Who Are Incredibly Self-Absorbed (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)

First, my mouth dropped, then my blood boiled.

Why?

Some poor, unsuspecting soul goes to their local Barnes & Noble because maybe they don’t have access to internet, or if they do they don’t know where to start when they try to discover how their soul was wrenched from their body by a mere human.

So, they browse the shelves, perhaps asking a trusty sales associate to lead them to books related to Narcissism…where they come across this title, which leads them to believe there is hope with the Narcissist.

Seriously?  “Hope” and “Narcissist” are contradictory terms.  Authors such as these help perpetuate the Narcissism epidemic by suggesting there are ways to communicate with them and further, that one can “reap the rewards”.

Honestly, I’ve not read one book written by a Ph.D. on the subject that had valuable, practical advice on “making it work” with a Narcissist (mainly, because it’s impossible to do).  Yes, they posses academic knowledge about the disorder and submit their theories as to how Narcissists “got that way”, but they needn’t include useless information on maintaining a relationship with one.  Perhaps they’d do well to dwell on an island with a Narcissist for one year…to gain some practical experience.  They’d likely offer themselves as shark bait.

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(37) comments

Dana Smith January 26, 2016

After 15 years of marriage my narciss. literally asked for my blessing so he could go be with his ex for 2 weeks. That was the beginning of the end or so it seemed. He basically left me for his ex and although it should of been a positive thing here I am 7 years later and I still cannot seem to get myself put back together! We divorced in 2010 and unfortunately my attorney quit practicing law immediately after my divorce was final. Problem is he failed to finish the property settlement, child custody,child support etc. My ex walked away not held accountable for anything. I luckily had my own income but although I had always been responsible in the past for some reason looking back at the last 6 years its like I am not here in reality. Paying bills like the mortgage which his name is on with mine I have not paid in over 2 years! I don’t understand what is wrong with me… when the mortgage company sold the mortgage 2 years ago and asked me to get him to sign a form allowing me to modify the mortgage, I guess I completely shut down. I had to ask him to sign the same form for the previous mortgage co and he said he woul then he waited 3 months called me saying he changed his mind cause he would rather show up at the sale and take it out from under me in forclosure. That caused me to have to file bankruptcy to not lose my home. Now I feel like a fool. Two years have gone by and I cannot believe I have not made a payment. Is this part of PTSD? I am a veteran and yet no common sence seems to be present in my life where it has anything to do with him! We do not speak at all. Our daughter is 19 and recently he yelled at her when he learned of the mortgage situation. I am just needing to know I am not going crazy and where I can perhaps get some kind of help to put myself back together. Evidently he is trying to buy a house but was denied. I did not do this intentionally but I don’t feel bad about it where he is concerned either. Maybe I really am a monster……

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[…] listed in some of the mainstream books available on the topic of Narcissism.  One such book, Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed, claims to help the reader “find a way of communicating effectively with narcissists, getting […]

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Healing February 3, 2014

sorry, I should have said, “spectrum disorder” instead of “spectrum disease”…must have been a Freudian slip because it certainly caused me a lot of “dis – ease”! 😉

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Carrie Reimer February 3, 2014

Kim, I don’t know if they are still around, I haven’t checked. They were in Australia and had a radio show and everything. I was so hopeful when I found them, totally recharged and ready to work harder, give more, save my man!
I tried some of their “tough” love and it got me punched in the head.
And it wasn’t just that they were spouting lies they were also discrediting anyone who said anything contrary to their opinion. Narcissistic? Just maybe. I know some people don’t like Sam Vaknin (is that his name?) but he speaks the truth and gives no false hope.
There is always someone willing to make a buck from someone else’s pain.

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Carrie Reimer February 3, 2014

I have always said that a it takes two to tango. Unless you’re doing the tango with the devil
No one can be responsible for a relationship failing if it was based on lies.
I too used to explain over and over again why things he did hurt me. I used to think that if I could just find the right words, said it the right way and somehow get him to understand then he would stop hurting me. The insane thing was; why on earth was I trying to explain it to a 48 yr old man? If they don’t know what they are doing then they HAVE to be 3 ways stupid. Of course he knows exactly what he is doing. That is why he’s doing it; he gets off on your pain. He gets kicks acting totally disfunctionally and making you accept it as normal. The whole time you are trying to explain to him why his actions hurt you he is laughing and patting himself on the back for screwing with your head again.

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Lynette d'Arty-Cross February 1, 2014

There is no “communicating” with a narcissist. Excellent post. 🙂

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Dawn February 1, 2014

You make such a good point. I nearly blow my top whenever I hear someone on TV (talking heads; so-called “experts” on relationships; psychologists; radio gurus) talk about how “it always takes two” when it comes to problems in a relationship. Uh, no, it doesn’t. I think that’s an asinine–and judgmental–statement. You absolutely can be trying your best to be kind, forgiving, loving, honest, and authentic, only to find that you are the object of a narcissist’s abuse and manipulation and anger. As a matter of fact, I think it can drive you nearly crazy to be told such a thing, especially if you’ve been going out of your way to be good to a narcissistic spouse or parent. It simply doesn’t matter what you do; you’re damned if you and damned if you don’t with narcissists and psychopaths. I often thought to myself that Jesus himself could be in a relationship with my husband, and my husband would still complain, rage, accuse, manipulate, pout, sulk, berate, and verbally lambast. It doesn’t matter WHO you are or WHAT you do, a narcissist is who s/he is and their behavior seems to stay the same. And it won’t change unless and until the narcissist actually begins to see the damage inflicted. But none of them will ever see the damage they do. My husband still doesn’t get it, even after hundreds of my attempts to explain to him how his behavior is hurtful. A normal person would be inclined to change in order to stop hurting a spouse, but a narcissist thinks s/he is entitled to act they way they act. My husband tells me that “everybody acts like I do.” (Oh, really?) He actually believes that all men yell and scream the way he does, and all men berate their wives and throw things. He believes he is entitled to lose it and to scare the daylights out of me. He actually looks at me as if I am the “weird, crazy one!” So, to get back to what Kim was saying, anyone who is so clueless as to suggest that I “try harder” with my husband is totally ignorant about narcissism. Narcissists do not change. To suggest that I–or anyone living with a narcissist–is 50% responsible for the narcissist’s reprehensible behavior is not only cruel, but heaps guilt and shame upon the non-narcissistic spouse.

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Carrie Reimer February 1, 2014

Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
excellent article written by Kim Saeed. another ball hit out of the park for Kim.

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    Kim Saeed February 1, 2014

    Thanks so much for the re-blog 🙂

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Carrie Reimer February 1, 2014

Kim I join you whole heartedly in your anger about authors that would give anyone hope that anyone can have a relationship with a narcissist and not be seriously damaged in some way. When I first started looking for answering, about 5 years into the relationship I read up on narcissists and JC fit the bill almost to a tee then I found a couple who professed he had been a narcissist and she had been able to “tough love” him out of it and save the relationship. Of course I clung to that hope like a drowning person to a life preserver. I listened to their tapes and read their emails religiously and was more determined than ever to not give up on him or our relationship. It all but cost me my life.
It is criminal for anyone to give a victim of a narcissist any kind of hope whatsoever for them to be fixed, they are quite literally putting a person’s life in danger.

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    Kim Saeed February 1, 2014

    Oh my gosh…are these people still in business? It’s every victim’s DREAM to think there is a way to “tough love” their partner out of being a Narcissist/Abuser. I feel dizzy just thinking about all the lives they’ve ruined. On the flip side, they are a Narcissist’s dream come true. Ughhh!

    If they really have a success story, good for them, but they have absolutely no business building an empire out of it and destroying innocent peoples’ lives because I would wager that less that .051 of the population of Narcissists ever change. We have a better chance at waking up and finding a million dollars in our bathtub than to waste hope on these snakes.

    Reply

I agree with the Paula’s the only books we should be reading is how to avoid and/or disconnect from them.

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bettylaluna February 1, 2014

Reblogged this on Narc Raiders and commented:
Great article by Kim Saeed…100 percent spot on!

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Healing January 31, 2014

Kim, I am currently reading a book about verbal abuse that makes me angry, as well. It is called, “You Can’t Say That to Me” by Suzette Elgin. I’m about half-way through the book and I keep getting the feeling that the author is pushing that same tired agenda of misquoting “It takes two.” and saying that if we just RESPOND differently all would be well. Excuse, me, if the the verbal abuser/narc did not attack us in the first place we would not even be stuck in the position of HAVING to respond! I find this thinking so insane…to me, it’s on par with saying, “Well, the cop is equally to blame for robbing the store because he didn’t catch me.” HUH? Aren’t we supposed to police ourselves? I don’t need someone to tell me to not rage at them. I don’t do it because I know it’s wrong. The boundaries that are set are ones I set WITHIN myself. I stopped looking for others to tell me what was appropriate behavior somewhere after childhood, LOL. I’m curious to know if anyone else has read this book and had a similar reaction or if I’m just reading this wrong. The examples she gives sound exactly like Narc behavior from a husband and his mother towards the wife/stepdaughter. The author keeps putting all parties on an equal field as if they are all good-hearted people and all equally to blame in the “miscommunication” and that the people aren’t the problem but the “language” is. Huh? Isn’t it the evil intention of the person using the language that is the problem. Part of my healing has been to finally accept that some people really do have evil motives and feel better about themselves by putting others down. I hope I am reading this book wrong and would love someone to correct me on this. Maybe it’s my own bias but if you read this examples the husband and his mother they just sound so blatantly narcissistic. Would love your thoughts and/or anyone else’s who has read this book.

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    Kim Saeed February 1, 2014

    Healing,

    The book you’re reading seems to assume we aren’t already responding in a mature, civil manner. I tried being as fair as I possibly could and attempted all the paraphrasing, redirecting, etc. None of it helped. Of course, after the fifth year or so, I threw all that away and pretty much gave him a taste of his own medicine. He reacted the same, either way.

    I would place a bet that the author of that book has never endured verbal abuse at the hands of anyone,let alone a Narcissist. These authors remind me of childless people who dole out parenting advice as if they have all the answers… when in reality, they don’t have a clue.(I’ve never read the book, and probably won’t, since it seems to be rather pointless.) Thanks for the heads up!

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    Michelle May 16, 2014

    Read the same book about 15 years ago, and it all didn’t make any sense to me because I would “say” or “do” what was advised, and I’d still get the wind knocked out of me every time. It’s because the book assumes you’re dealing with someone who can be reasoned with and will know what they say and do is wrong and hurtful.

    Toss the book out, you won’t be happy with any of it. And then toss out the NARC…because he’s not happy with any of anything! 🙂

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      Kim Saeed May 16, 2014

      I couldn’t have said it better myself, Michelle.

      I wish the book in question could be banned from public access!

      Thanks for stopping by and for your insightful comment 🙂

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MW Moore January 31, 2014

Looking at the bullet points you indicated it would seem that this PhD is a narc himself, using his ‘title'(superiority) as justification to discount the perceptions of the abused.

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Fellow Survivor January 31, 2014

Kim, you are so awesome. Thanks for putting into words what we all feel, or at least I do. I have come so far and still have a long ways to go for complete healing, but this post is like medicine for the soul.

Thanks babe.

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silkred January 31, 2014

omg… sorry.. Lovers = losers

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    Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

    It’s okay…could go either way…”Lovers” meaning Narc sympathizers. They do exist, mainly because they have no applicable, personal experience with them.

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      silkred January 31, 2014

      It was an auto complete fail.. But you are right the wider group.. The people surrounding the abuse.. In a way their behaviour makes less sense than the narcissist.. For me they have been like lemmings following him and respecting his wish for me not to be part of the community.. I think the intuitively know what’s happening and are worried to get involved.. Leaves you extremely isolated feeling..

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        Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

        But in the end, you will come out as the Wise One. When they realize they are nothing but conformist sheeple, they will lose all dignity, and you will be the shining example.

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          silkred January 31, 2014

          I think I will settle for a calming of the storms inside my heart… Mindful patient sharing like this with you and others has been the thing that’s helped me gain my footing with all this… I don’t wish ill for the others… But I do feel my open almost naive being has been damaged.. It will take significant time and maybe some changes consciously on my part to fully regain health.. Right now I search for and celebrate calm.

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          Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

          I can relate. But you know…although the evil ex took advantage of my generosity, I will remain so for the people who deserve it.

          I know that going forward, I’ll eventually know the difference. If I detect a self-serving Sociopath, they will get their just dessert.

          All others will get the marshmallow-y, sweet, sucker-for-love and happiness that is my true self because they deserve no less.

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          silkred February 1, 2014

          Beautiful 🙂

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silkred January 31, 2014

So true… They are such a croud of lovers… To write anything of this sort constitutes a risk to health..

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    Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

    I agree. I like starry-eyed idealists for the most part, but not in this case.

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Suzy Snowflake January 31, 2014

you think that is bad, try having a therapist who encourages you to contact the narcissist…I am so messed up in the head it ain’t funny

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MichelleMcHatton January 31, 2014

you think that is bad, try having a therapist who encourages you to contact the narcissist…I am so messed up in the head it ain’t funny

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kimberlyharding January 31, 2014

So well said! there is no having a “good” relationship with a narcissist- ever. thanks for alerting people to this book’s content.

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    Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

    🙂 Thanks, Kimberly!

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Paula January 31, 2014

Absolutely! The only books that should be written about us and narcissists is how to gracefully disengage from them with little to no collateral damage to our psyche and reputations. 🙂

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    Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

    Indeed!

    I don’t get angry about many things, but these Ph.D.s are doing a disservice to the people who need it the most. They’ve obviously never been the target of a Narcissist!

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Vanessa Dawne January 31, 2014

I seriously believe that if all narcs were locked up, we’d have peace on earth! Being a student for 8 years with maybe a couple courses that even cover narcisissm does not compare to dealing with the real thing for years on end. Thanks Kim. 😉

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    Kim Saeed January 31, 2014

    Thanks, Vanessa!~ There is a movie coming out this year, “Narcissist”,
    http://www.narcissistthemovie.com/.

    I hope it helps spread awareness of these evil entities.

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    navigator1965 January 31, 2014

    Actually, I believe you’re pretty much correct in this, Vanessa.

    Reply
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