Dear Kim – Will the Narcissist Come Back to Me?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Feb 11
Q&A Tuesday

Dear Kim,

My fiancé and I broke up recently because of his verbal abuse and other girlfriend.  I am having a very hard time right now. He texted me a few times today and everything seemed fine.  I waited a few hours after we last texted and sent him another message and he didn’t respond. I called him and he didn’t answer. I haven’t heard back from him and I don’t understand what is going on or why he started ignoring me.  Do you think there’s a chance he will come back since he texted me?

Thank you for any input you can give me.

Michelle

Dear Michelle,

I am going off the assumption that you believe your ex-fiancé might be a Narcissist based on the fact that he has been verbally abusive and having an affair with another woman.

This is a very common question that I receive from my readers. In fact, I answered a similar question here.  I wish I had good news for you because it seems you still have feelings for him, but the prognosis isn’t good.  However, the answer to the question, “Will he come back”, actually lies in your hands.

What he is doing is a “check-in” of sorts that Narcissists perform in order to see if you will take the bait.  While it seems promising from your end, on his end he just wondered if he still had control over you and decided to run a little test.  While you sit around literally dying for another response from him, he’s already gone back to whatever he was doing, which may include the new woman.

Since you gave him the green light by responding and acting as if everything was normal, he already has the answer he needs and won’t be back in touch until he’s bored or things get shaky with the new girlfriend.  In fact, he may just come back for no other reason than to prove to himself that he still has you under his spell.

Further, it’s a strategic move they make to maintain the ante in their game.  You see, since the two of you broke up over his actions, he is throwing out a few crumbs to give you hope of a reconciliation.  You may be so consumed with missing him, that you’re probably not thinking about the real reason the two of you broke up in the first place.

Since he is texting and you are replying, it’s highly likely that he will come back at some point.  The real question is will you let him?

If he is verbally abusive and cheating on you before you’re even married, what kind of future will that bring?  This is the perfect time for you to block him from all methods of communication and work on getting back into a place of personal power.

No person deserves the treatment you received from him.  If you want love in your life, you should open yourself up to it, but not to someone who will viciously use it for their own benefit.  Go No Contact with this guy; pamper yourself for a little while, and when the time is right, real love will come to you like the proverbial butterfly on your shoulder.


Do you have a burning question about your partner’s dubious behaviors?  Submit them to support@letmereach.com and your question will be entered into our database and possibly included in a future publication. 

No Contact Coaching & Mentoring services are available.  Click here to learn more.

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2014

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(30) comments

Sam June 14, 2015

I guess I too have been caught.

I met what I thought was an amazing man, 8 yrs older than me. I was a divorced single parent with a 2 yr old, confident, good job, own home and car. He had never married, own property, good job and sports car. It became apparent early on that he had had numerous relationships, had not lasted more than 5 yrs. he had told me about his last girlfriend, she didn’t have any time for him. He was still talking to her when he met me, but apparently told her out of respect for me he couldn’t talk to her any longer as he was going to make a go of it with me. After date 2 he told me he had fallen in love with me, after 8 weeks he moved in, no discussion he just never went back to his flat, in our 5.5 yr relationship he never rented that flat, left it fully furnished and perfect. After 6 amazing months he accused me of disrespecting him looking at other men, I got silent treatment, there were lots of incidents, same thing silent treatment and I would beg plead cry to tell me what I had done his response always was, there is no point in talking to you, you disrepect me looking at other
Men all the time, he said he loved me so much and didn’t know why I did this to him. He told me countless stories about his childhood and his family and even though we saw them frequently he would rant about them and even cry about them. Afte 9 months I found out I was pregnant, we now have a 4 yr old son. Again sometimes he was amazing other times the same behaviour. I was doing everything, working full time, doing all the childcare, cooking, shopping, household stuff and I was exhausted. I would fall asleep and he would then complain that I had no time for him. He decided that we should build at extension on my house in 2013, I saw this as an improvement, some sort of commitment. He put £8k in my account as I was dealing with the build, he was going to do all the internal work himself, git kitchens etc as he was a plumber. Well I found out as the build started that he had spent £500 calling his ex girlfriend, I through him out, but was devastated, we were in so much contact and I saw him everyday cause of the kids, that he promised he was wrong, loved me and he moved back it. He did a couple more jobs, however he continued to say disgusting things, I was looking at men in restaurants, in swimming rooms, making too many cups of tea for the builders and basically I was just a slut, but he never actually called it me, just said I disrepect him, I like attention from other
Men. I am not like that at all and I just used to cry and cry. Few weeks later I started to ask about jobs in the house, the shell of the build was up, but living with 2 kids with no cooking facilities, no floor boards, no doors to the external of the property, bricks no plaster on the walls was unbearable. I came home and he had packed all his stuff and was just about to leave in which he did about 10 minutes later. 12 weeks later he knocked on door as I was just starting to cry less and begged to come back, again I took him back. In that time though I had spent £13 fixing up the house and me and the kids moved out for 7 weeks whilst all this work was done. My family begged r not to take him bk, but I loved him. So back again, 14 months this time. Still accusations but nothing like what I had already been thru, then after an amazing Christmas 2014, just 8 days later I got 5 days of silent treatment, Shaun I found myself begging and crying, he would not tell me what I had fone, he said he was so devastated he couldn’t go to work either. Then I said right what’s going on and I couldn’t quite believe what I was hearing. I was going to be s bridesmaid for the first time in October 15 to my best friend and My best friends fiancé and I were supposed to be playing games in front of him. He named three incidents that had just not happened at all, but I just couldn’t convince him. Then he brought up a supposed incident from 10 months prior when we were on holiday in Egypt. He said an Egyptian member of staff had told him to get rid of me cause I was disrespectful, he said he said it in front of me and I just ignored him, I said this didn’t happen and he said he didn’t say anything and though this was me punishing him for calling his ex girlfriend. I have also had him try to isolate me from my family, he has threatened my dad twice, he has tried to isolate me from my friends with various accusations that they are supposed to have done and said about me. This time I said I deserve better, I have had enough pack your stuff and leave, it took 9 hours at first he just went to bed, then went I called my parents he just listened to me crying hysterically down the phone? Then he started to pack, then said he didn’t want to leave bug I had to acknowledge my behaviour, I said I will never admit to something I have not done, so he left. It’s being 19 weeks now, he sees the kids, spoils them so much that they think he is wonderful. Now he just completely ignores me picks up and drops of kids at specified times without a single word, barely a text other than if he wants the kids bikes out of the shed for when he gets there. I
Believe he has moved straight in with his ex or someone else he again is clearly not living in his flat. I am
Left feeling anxious, emotional all the time, sleepless nights, stressed, wondering why and most of all trying to come to terms with the things he accused me of when it was him lying, not coming home, keeping an empty flat, constant name calling, leaving me and the kids with wrecked house the lies, the ex girlfriend . At this present time Even though it’s another 19 weeks I feel like I will never recover from this, I will never be the person I was and I am always going to have some sort of contact with him because of the kids …..,

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Stranger June 7, 2015

Hoovering is soo cruel… my ex did it once to me just as I was beginning to recover. A month after the break up during which he shut me off completely he sent me a text asking if I’d like to meet for a chat as if nothing happened. I agreed of course, I had my hopes up. Hours later he called only to say that he wouldn’t be able to meet me, was busy, tired, whatever. I told him I was fine with that but left the door open by saying he could talk to me whenever he feels ready. He answered something vague but which I interpreted as amiable as if he accepted my proposal. The next few days I heard nothing of him and of course I felt like I was taken advantage of. So I couldn’t help myself and sent him a text just saying “I guess you know longer want to talk…” he called almost immediately and gave me a real shit storm… yelling, denying that he ever asked to talk, accusing me of being needy, accusing me of not being able to love… This was the last time I ever heard from him. I was devastated.

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    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Thanks for sharing that, Stranger. As painful as it must have been for you, this is actually one of their blueprint behaviors. It’s called “dipping”, and they do that because they want to see if they still hold power and influence over you. That’s really all they want, and then they go back to whatever it was they were doing before sending their random text because they know they still have an “in” if they want it.

    Reply
Anonymous December 1, 2014

Hi Kim,

My narcissist ex (we dated for 3 years) broke up with me in August of this year (conveniently right after his birthday) and he has been hot and cold since…all classic narcissist behavior from what i have read…every time i stopped trying to contact him after a week he would cave in and contact me i would fall for his “I miss you” texts and be sucked back in then he would pull the same bs all over again…rinse and repeat. I thought things were finally going well in last month until I found out he cheated on me at the destination wedding he went to. The worst part? I picked him up and dropped him off at the airport we talked every day and he told me how much he missed me….meanwhile someone posted a picture on facebook of him with the brides sister and the caption was “smitten”…I confronted him about it over text and not only did he not respond he blocked me from everything and has not talked to me in almost 3 weeks!!! My sister just had a baby and he has only sent me ONE email after one i sent him that said “congrats on being an aunt hopefully this makes you a better calmer person” yes i will admit sometimes i did act crazy and react out of anger BUT it was always a reaction to something he did to provoke a response from me. He basically told me to “leave him be for a while” and I know its because there is someone else in the picture because this is the longest he has ever gone without talking to me and he seems so happy. My question is we used to gchat daily while we were both at work and gchat was one of the first things he blocked me on after i confronted him about cheating…BUT since i have my gmail up every day while i am at work anyways i have noticed that every single day at least 2-3 times a day he will unblock me for a minute then reblock me again and do the same thing 2-3 more times throughout the day…this has gone on for 3 weeks. Is he just doing it to mess with me? He is driving me crazy and so is this “silent treatment” ugh….I feel so helpless

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texaskaylee June 22, 2014

Hi Kim, I’ve been reading a lot of your posts and I’m 99% certain my ex is a narc. After some back and forth and a failed attempt to be friends – yet pretty much casually dating bc everytime we are together, the chemistry takes over and that leads to more – I cut contact completely. In spite of knowing that he is a narc, I hate to say I still feel like I’m ‘in love with him’ and I do miss him. Maybe it’s the trauma bonding but I’m not sure. But my main question is, are all narcs verbally abusive? My ex freely admits that he’s the reason we didn’t work out – bc he’s scared of commitment and he always messes things up and has always told me that I’m great and that ‘ideal’ that he compares other girls to (which is insulting in itself but he thinks he’s giving me a compliment). So there isn’t any of that negative talk towards me. Could he still be a narc and just be using a reverse psychology type of method on me, knowing what to say to keep me trapped while he has his cake and eats it too (he’ll tell me how I’m the most important person to him but then will see another girl and devastate me). So he’s not negative in his words but his actions. And even though he is saying he’s the reason we didn’t work out, I still don’t feel like he’s taking responsibility for it, he just uses the excuse that ‘this is how I am’ to justify it.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    Texas K,

    He could possibly be histrionic, since he seems to have other girls all the time. Not all Narcissists use verbal aggression, but will find other ways to devalue their supply.

    Reply
Anonymous April 27, 2014

Great advice Kim. I thought about it once but I know he cheated on her with me and other ( I didn’t know about her) so she was being hurt as well. Also, I really had to examine what my agenda was about when thinking about contacting the other woman. What did I think I was going to accomplish? Was I really doing it to “help” her or did I just want to get back at him. Wouldn’t that just keep me tied into the Narcissist and their drama? Wouldn’t my time and energy be better focused on me and my healing. When you think about contacting the other woman take a good look at what your motivations are. Is there a hidden agenda? Take a good look at what your feeling, a good serious look. Then let it go and get back to working on yourself. Believe me, I almost did it and now I’m, glad I didn’t.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 28, 2014

    Great insight, Anonymous. The questions you asked of yourself are all valid.

    Contacting the other woman never really leads to any type of closure. Some may want to contact her for revenge, as you mentioned…some may feel it’s their “duty” to let the other woman know what she’s in for…but, usually what happens is, contacting the OW would only make you seem as unstable as the Narcissist paints you out to be. By the time you realize there is another woman, the Narc has already smeared your character to make you seem like a candidate for the nearest mental ward. Then, when the OW is contacted, it only enhances the “Crazy, Psycho Ex” image.

    Glad you didn’t give in to your urges. I’m sure you feel empowered because of it. Great job! 🙂

    Reply
Elisabeth April 27, 2014

Bach is the word back.

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Elisabeth April 27, 2014

I have a question. I had a relationship of 31 years and then in a month time I decided to leave. A few times I allowed him to get Bach into my life, but now I have ‘no contact’. I understand he is, desperately, looking for a new woman in his life. I wonder, if I should tell the new woman, what kind of man he is. This, because many people told me afterwards that they have a ‘bad feeling’ about him. But no one told me that.
Elisabeth

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    Kim Saeed April 27, 2014

    Elisabeth,

    Nothing good ever comes from approaching the new woman. Even though your intentions are good, Narcissists only use it to make you seem like an unstable, obsessive Ex. The new supply won’t believe you, they will only believe the Narcissist.

    Later on, if the new woman approaches you with questions, you might consider answering them, but the best thing to do now is focus on your own recovery and leave your Ex to his false reality.

    Reply
angela April 2, 2014

Kim. God bless you!!! You have thought me sooooo much. I am NC with my ex narc (sons father) the glory is priceless. I’m still in the process of healings. This evil man has been in my life since the age of 16. I’m 32. Do the math. I have my days , but overall have seen the LIGHT after even being arrested by in 2012 for domestic violence (me being the “alleged”abuser) yeppp been to hell and back! But being on my way to refunding myself each day is priceless. Thank you for blogging on this website.

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    angela April 2, 2014

    Kim, since NC he has gone a little nuts so. I don’t plan on contacting him. But if I am forced to what approach do you suggest?

    Reply
      Kim Saeed April 5, 2014

      Well, it kind of depends on what you mean by “forced to approach”. Do you have shared custody?

      Reply
    Kim Saeed April 5, 2014

    Angela, so glad to know you are on the path of recovery! And yes…it all starts with No Contact. You are a powerful force and you will rise above your past to go on to live a beautiful life 🙂

    Reply
Mimi Pollier March 4, 2014

Kim thank you for replying on your break. i really appreciate it. i will keep on trying to improve and believe in my self worth.
Thank you Mimi

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Mimi Pollier March 4, 2014

Hi Kim:
This is Mimi again.. just one more thought on my last comments.. He leaves me over and over again. he did the cheating again. this is the third affair that i know about and he leaves me.. he’s the one that does all this and then goes no contact and thinks i’m the one with the problem.. What are your thoughts on this.. Also im reading alot about most N’s keep coming around.. and wont let go. he does not operate like this he comes back checks things out and then makes up excuses to leave again. And i know he still wants to run around with this ow.. I just wish he would come back and settle down.. I know i can get over all this and be a better person. What are your thoughts on this. Do they ever grow up and settle down? He says he wants to marry me even picks a date. then changes.. He’s really so unbalanced. Can another woman really have this much power over these N’s.

Thank you for all your words.. i really appreciate them. I also think you a wonderful. take care mimi

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    Kim Saeed March 4, 2014

    Mimi,

    I’ve read your comments. I wasn’t able to reply sooner because I have a job apart from my blog and I am working today. I am replying on my break.

    I have no doubt that you are an attractive and nice person. Going on what you’ve told me, I will offer my perspective.

    When it comes to being in a relationship with a Narcissist, the biggest thing to understand is that the problems in the relationship almost always are due to them. There is nothing you can do differently to improve the situation for any length of time because it will ALWAYS be damned if you do and damned if you don’t. That’s why so many victims end up having panic attacks…the cognitive dissonance is overwhelming.

    I was once where you are…trying to “figure things out”, but that’s impossible because there is absolutely no logic where a Narcissist is concerned. Honestly, I just gave up trying to figure him and the situation out. There’s no point in it. The Narcissist operates on a completely different reality than we do and to try to figure them out and make some sort of improvement is like trying to implement World Peace. Actually, you’d have better luck trying for World Peace.

    I wish I had better news, but your Ex doesn’t see you as other people do. He doesn’t see you as attractive, intelligent, or kind. He will never appreciate those things about you because the only thing you look like to him is supply. And he will never change. It’s possible he might appear to change if you went No Contact, but as you know from my blog, it’s just another lie.

    It sounds to me as if you are basing your whole sense of worth on this guy. That’s part of the reason you are so torn and obsessing. I know you are hoping I will tell you there is a chance that he will see your worth, realize he loves you, come back and the two of you will have a future together. But as you said, nothing has changed in the past year, nor at all, for that matter. It never will.

    I know exactly what it feels like to be in love with someone, yet decide to move on. But, that’s the only hope you have for a future. And I’d like to add that you shouldn’t pursue another relationship right now because it seems you have some self-esteem and co-dependency issues to work on.

    Since he has left you, the best thing you can do for yourself is block his number and change your locks. Don’t leave the door open for him to come and go as he pleases. He will never respect or appreciate you. But someone else very well might. But first, take care of those issues I mentioned and see your worth for yourself.

    Reply
Mimi Pollier March 4, 2014

kIM,
I just had do comment on this post of NO Contact. I have been also going through the same thing for a year. He’s been going back and forth. He comes back then leaves to be i assume with the ow.. i really don’t know because he wont tell me really what he is up to. he confides in other man and tells them. i try to talk to them about what he is actually doing.. they really wont tell me.. i know its this loser he hooked up with. I still love him, want him to come back. do they ever leave this ow? it is just a struggle to go no contact. he has been coming back and back.. but we are still in the same place as a year ago. Now, this last discard he is really gone i believe.. i have not heard from him and i’m too afraid to call him again. that’s all i did for awhile was to call him and try to reason with him. i found my self telling him i would change and be a better person.. even though he is the one that has been cheating on me and lying.. does it ever get any better the pain and feeling that you really need them.. love should not be like this. Please comment. Thank you Mimi

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Anita February 19, 2014

After walking out on us for 3 months last august my ex came back for a month and lived off me while waiting for a large cheque. Our 9,8 and 4 year old kids were ecstatic he was home as they idolise him, and we were set for ”A good life”. He got the cheque 5 weeks ago on a thursday, and walked out again on the friday – the day I was due to go in hospital with a miscarriage – then went hundreds of miles away to start a new life where he has family.Out the blue he text last week asking us to move there to him and stupidly I considered it, but everytime I tried to call his phone was switched off. When I did get through and asked why, I was told to ”F.off dickhead”. After 12 years of his mind games, lies and being used as a doormat I can’t believe I’ve let him upset the kids and me like this again

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Alicia February 14, 2014

Kim, Thank you so much! You’re response to Gaurab makes complete sense. There’s a big difference between a soft NO than a No in the form of an ignore after they’ve contacted you first. Yes, a manipulative controlling tactic from a man with a disorder. I always wondered why my N was always keeping in touch now I know why… Crumbs for me & a boost for his ego. Kim, I was to thank you, I’ve read many narcisstic recovery sites but I favorited yours Lim Saeed. You’re page has been so helpful in what I call “Another Recovery” . It’s helped me to take the focus from the N and put that energy into myself. I’ve had to work very hard at at but I am slowly making progress. Even if it’s baby steps. So Michelle and anybody else out there suffering, take the first step of No contact for 7 days, then another 7 days, then another 7 days, & work, work, work on yourself, don’t lay around with your feeding thoughts. This a hard as hell but you are fighting for your life. Keep pushing, keep fighting. Believe me, there is hope, you can get better, but it takes time but if you don’t take action you will never be free & if you think you’re feeling bad now, just know that if you stay it will only get worse. Run away and don’t look back!

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    Kim Saeed February 16, 2014

    Alicia, I am honored that you’ve reached out and also that my blog has been helpful to you. It’s so true that No Contact is a daily struggle. That first week is so difficult, but after that, it gets a little easier after we’ve been able to think independently from the person who brainwashed us and kept us in a FOG. Back when my life was crumbling down around me, I never imagined I’d be where I am today.

    I like how you say, “work on yourself, don’t lay around with your feeding thoughts”. That is a prime piece of advice. When we feed our mind with thoughts of the Narcissist, it’s like a cancerous tumor that keeps getting bigger the more we think about him. If we starve the tumor, it goes away.

    Blessings to you and your continued progress 🙂

    Reply
gracielynne62013 February 11, 2014

Excellent advice!

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    Kim Saeed February 14, 2014

    😀

    Reply
just me February 11, 2014

I am struggling with “defining” my ex. He was verbally abusive, took every little criticism as an attack and blames me for every issue in the relationship. The list goes on and on. In any case, I tried no contact and it did drive him nuts but made the mistake of engaging a few times (progress not perfection). When he does contact me it is nothing nice, it is just more angry accusaations and snide remarks. Sometimes I can not reply, other times I am weak and try to defend or explain myself but I’m working on it. I also think it’s weird that he has been avoiding picking up his stuff. First he told me to keep it, then he wanted it and was upset I told him I would drop things off. Then he wanted to come and get them and I told him I don’t want my kids or myself to be there when he does so. The few times he has contacted me to get his things since, are at times when he knows I will be there and am forcedto sno. He has said nothing about I’m sorry, or I will change. It’s just anger. I don’t get it. I know he is still just trying to exert some control but it’s maddening.

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    Kim Saeed February 23, 2014

    This is all classic Narc behavior. If you are able to bring yourself to do it, you should go ahead and package his things in a box and either drop them off on his porch or have a friend deliver them. That will eliminate his excuses to show up to your place. Otherwise, he will keep you dangling on a thread and you will never really free from his presence, whether physical or implied.

    Also, I would advise changing the locks and not giving him the opportunity to go into your residence when you’re not there. There is no limit to what he might do if given this opportunity.

    If you need some guidance going No Contact, I can help. Best of luck, I know how uncomfortable your situation is because I lived it hundreds of times before I finally left…

    Reply
Hurt 2 Long February 11, 2014

OMGH!! That is so my life!! They’ll throw out little crumbs of hope just to see if they still “have” you. When you finally stop playing their little game & ignore, they can’t stand that! That’s when you’ll receive numerous calls/texts. Ignore them!! Take it from someone who married a lying, cheating narc, divorced him & then a few years later went back for another round. Only the 2nd time I was the other woman. Have 2 children, thought it would lead to permanency, etc. If you’re not getting what you need, what you deserve, go in the other direction…..fast! I invested 27 years of my life with this man & will always have some feelings for him, but only you can stop the cycle.

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    Kim Saeed February 14, 2014

    Hurt, in case you missed it, I also went back for a second round and was the “Other Woman”, although I have a son with my Ex. After being married for five years and having a child together, he fled to another country when our son was a year old and was married in less than 2 months without divorcing me first.

    I bet there a thousands of women who learned the hard way like we did 😉

    Reply
Gaurab February 11, 2014

I following around 500 authors in different social platforms so when I read your last post I really liked the author but I think I’m little let down by this post.

As per the psychology of men goes, ignoring is a way of telling “No” politely. I feel he has moved on but still doesn’t want to hurt you.

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    Kim Saeed February 11, 2014

    I can see where you are coming from, Gaurab. Normal men may ignore as a means of saying “No” to an Ex who is feeling it hard to let go of the relationship.

    No Contact, however, is a way of abruptly stopping the influence an abusive partner keeps on his ex by ignoring her and then checking in every now and then with texts to see if he still has control over her.

    I think we need to keep sight of the fact that he contacted her first, which is the way it normally goes. The abuser leaves and ignores indefinitely, and then sends a random message. They ignore to build up angst within the victim so it will be easier to get back in the door when he decides.

    I totally see where you are coming from, but the post is directed toward the psychology of disordered men.

    Reply
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