When the FOG Lifts…Clarity and Awareness after Leaving the Narcissist

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Feb 28

 

When I was a little girl, I would sleepwalk.  I’d wake up on the living-room couch, or sometimes even on the floor.  It left me with a very bizarre feeling because I couldn’t comprehend how I could get up from my bed and walk to another location while I was asleep.

~ Sleepwalker

Victims of Narcissistic abuse sleepwalk every day.  I can say that with the certainty that only comes with experience.  When I remember what happened to me, I realize that most of the time spent with my abuser was time spent in a state of low consciousness.  I performed activities that are usually performed during a state of full consciousness while in a virtual coma.

You’ve probably heard of cognitive dissonance.  While there are many reasons why a person stays with an abusive partner, cognitive dissonance probably has the strongest influence.  The reason for this is that it’s basically a state of denial that victims live in. I know, because I lived in that denial for eight years. I really wanted the relationship to work.  I was in love, and I thought that by forgiving my abuser and “sucking it up”, he would one day change because of the love and patience I’d invested in him.  Even his family would say, “He doesn’t mean it.  He has a good heart.”  I fell for it every time, regardless of how much I was hurting.  I kept working for an outcome that would never happen.

Before I left, his last words to me were, “I hate you.  I hope you die”.  His abuse was actually worse at the end than at any point during the relationship. I can now clearly see that I was in a state of denial.  And while my abuser lied to me and his family lied to me, the biggest lies were the ones I told myself.  I’d try to leave, and then I would reason with myself that perhaps I had been unreasonable and selfish (as my abuser was wont to tell me).  Maybe if I just changed this or that about myself, everything would get better.  But, it never did.  Narcissists bank on these lies we tell ourselves so we will manage down our expectations and accept the fault of the relationship’s problems so they can carry on with their destructive behavior patterns.

Change is Hard I talk to men and women every day that want to leave their abusive, Narcissistic partner.  Yet, they always have a reason why doing so would be impossible.  Maybe it’s money, or they are staying “for the kids”.  What is happening is that they are arguing for their limitations.  I argued for mine, too.  I argued that our son needed his dad.  I argued that I didn’t want to start over in life.  I argued that God doesn’t want us to divorce and expects us to turn the other cheek. “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.” ~ Richard Bach Change is hard. It’s alien and unpleasant. We often tell ourselves it’s easier to stay where we are than to face the unknown.  So we lie to ourselves and make up reasons why leaving the Narcissist wouldn’t make any sense, and keep slogging toward a goal that will never happen. There are always choices, and if our choices lead us to pain and misery, then it’s time to make a new choice. I am actually in a better state of awareness now than even before I met my Narcissistic Ex.  This awareness didn’t happen overnight.  In fact, I still have the occasional trigger, but I am looking forward to the rest of my life because I know that I have the power to influence it.  When I was with my abuser, I gave him all the power.  He dictated every single detail of my life…from my friends, my clothes, my makeup, and even how I interacted with my children.  For the longest time I hated myself for giving him this power.  But, I’ve since forgiven myself because I know it was all symptomatic of having been brainwashed.  Now that I’m on the outside looking in am I able to see this with full clarity.

~ Clarity of Mind

New Possibilities I am happy with my life.  I’ve come a very long way from where I was when I first left my Ex.  I am a certified Practitioner in the Law of Attraction and working on an advanced certification.  I will be learning Reiki at some point and would like to learn to play the Native American Flute.  I meditate.  I’ve gotten into essential oils after becoming educated on the dangers of pharmaceuticals.  I’ll soon release an eBook regarding No Contact, and have another, bigger manuscript that I’m working on.   I’ve expanded my blog into a business where I help people overcome the effects of Narcissistic abuse. And that’s just the beginning. Do you remember how you felt when you graduated high school?  That feeling of overwhelming joy and peace…of countless possibilities?  That you could do anything?  That’s how I feel again…at the age of 43! I never would have imagined these things as possible while still with my abuser because he always wanted me to feel I wasn’t capable of doing anything great.  He wanted me to believe that I was very limited in what I could do in life…but that was a lie, and I believed it. Have you been told the same lies?  Do you believe them?  Let me tell you first-hand…you were put on this earth to be happy, not to be someone’s emotional punching bag, ATM, and slave.  Don’t continue allowing this to happen to you.  The Narcissist will never change, but you can.  All it takes is to make the choice and start working on your plan.  Your possibilities are endless, but they can’t happen unless you make the initial decision that you’ve had enough (and your children, too, if applicable). It will be scary and uncomfortable.  You will have moments of self-doubt.  But, those are only thoughts, and thoughts can be changed.

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(17) comments

[…] the extent to which I was once addicted, sick, and suffering from the absolute worst forms of cognitive dissonance, emotional regression, repetition compulsion, and learned helplessness.  By all accounts, I was a […]

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[…] the extent to which I was once addicted, sick, and suffering from the absolute worst forms of cognitive dissonance, emotional regression, repetition compulsion, and learned helplessness.  By all accounts, I was a […]

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Heather May 5, 2014

this one was like reading an autobiography. Thanks Kim!

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[…] Once you initiate No Contact and understand that the Narcissist’s goal is to tear you down, the FOG will begin to lift and healing will be in […]

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Anonymous March 4, 2014

Im glad to have found this blog. My fog is only just lifting tho i have been trying to get away from a person who is definitely on this Narccissistic spectrum for 12 years. Its been hell but now im starting to see things as they really are. Its very hard to keep away from him tho – so i need all the help i can get. To have read all the stuff about what this kind of relationship does to you has stopped me hating and blaming myself but my self esteem is still so low that i have trouble resisting him if hes nice to me. Even tho i now accept its lies. We have a son and he usually gets me that way too. Each time i weaken i try to read this blog hoping that the repetition will help my brain to accept that he will never change and doesnt love me. Im still abit of a mess but i do have hope now. Thankyou. Im so glad you are further along this road and have turned your life round. Im 54 and feel so old, overweight and ugly now. sorry. x

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    Kim Saeed March 5, 2014

    Anonymous,

    I can totally relate to your situation. My Ex used to use our son as a pawn, too, and use the guilt feelings associated with being a “good mom” against me. However, I realized that in order to really be a good mother, I had to remove my children from my abusive situation. They never would have learned what functional, loving relationships are like had I stayed.

    Regarding your age, appearance, etc., I’m sure the biggest reason you feel that way about yourself is because your partner has made you feel that way. I used to feel similar feelings. I thought I was overweight, tired-looking, too needy, etc. Then, I realized I didn’t care about what other people thought of me. The only thing that matters is what I think of myself. The truth is, I am still about 20 pounds overweight, but I don’t care about it as much as I used to. As far as age, this can be a beautiful time in your life if you can find the strength to let go of this toxic relationship so you can LIVE.

    I am coming out with some great tools very soon to help people implement No Contact and stick with it. In the meantime, don’t be down on yourself. The first step in your new life is realizing your situation is unhealthy, and you’ve done that. Keep visualizing what your life can be like if your abusive partner isn’t in it and keep those visions alive.

    Until next time…

    Reply
threekidsandi February 28, 2014

Each post you make sums up my own experience exactly. You are helping me to see the truth of what happened to me, which is difficult for me to face, much less define. I feel that you are a part of my healing process.
I have the same feelings. Every time I get into my car, I feel that I am the rebellious heroine in a movie, because I am free to drive. I am motivated, uplifted, intoxicated daily by freedom. I felt seventeen when I was finally safely away, and I have remained so, in my self-perception, though I am close to you in age.
Thank you so much for this blog.

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Constance February 28, 2014

<3 Yours is one of the first blogs I found after leaving. It has been so helpful to me.

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    Kim Saeed March 1, 2014

    I’m so glad to hear that Constance. I am here to help people leave their abusive situation so they can go on to not only survive, but live in happiness. Your comment means a lot!

    Kim

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StrongerSoulSurvivor February 28, 2014

Thank you for this from-the-heart truth. We often don’t realise the extent to which our everything is focussed on the Narc. How liberating (and strange at first) when we are free to carve our own destiny.

You are a great example of what can be achieved without having a leech-like Narc attached. You put it wonderfully when you say, “you were put on this earth to be happy, not to be someone’s emotional punching bag, ATM, and slave.”

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    Kim Saeed March 1, 2014

    Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy to hear from you 🙂

    The really sad thing, apart from all the abuse and dishonesty, is that victims get to a point where they feel completely powerless and hopeless. That’s what I hope to help them overcome…

    Reply
Susan Irene Fox February 28, 2014

Kim, you are a vessel for light and life. These are the plans the Lord had for you all along. Bless you for blessing others with His love.

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    Kim Saeed February 28, 2014

    Thank you, Susan…this means more than words can say.

    Hugs,

    Kim

    Reply
kimberlyharding February 28, 2014

Great posting. What you say is so true- victims of a narcissists are sleepwalking- every day. and you are also right- they lower everyone’s consciousness. excellent point and I am so happy you feel as if you have graduated!!

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    Kim Saeed February 28, 2014

    😀 Thanks, Kimberly! Yes…I’m thinking of buying some confetti and just throwing it about in random places!

    Thanks for stopping by and for commenting 🙂

    Reply
Paula February 28, 2014

I personally think you’re beautiful – your voice, your truth, your ability to be fearless in your disclosures – all of those things make you beautiful. And it’s all, in my opinion, because you’re genuine! I just want to thank you for being here for all of us fortunate enough to find your blog and your words. Celebrating each other becomes so much more valuable than trying to figure out the abusers in the end. Your blog is a reminder of that. 🙂 Thank you!

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    Kim Saeed February 28, 2014

    Paula,

    My eyes are welling from your words 🙂 Your wonderful comment is another sign that I am on the right path. I have to give you credit for giving me the courage to start this journey because your blog is one that I referred to often in the beginning, and still do. I think you are a shining example of what we are all capable of because you have also turned your life around and made a tremendous contribution to helping others.

    Thank you for lighting MY path 🙂

    Reply
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