Breaking No Contact Can Hurt You in Court

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Mar 05

How many times have you found yourself in this situation?

I don’t know why he has to be so hateful.  I only called him so I could tell him…”

No judgement here.  I did this all the time before I realized what I was dealing with.  Nonetheless, according to a forum on allaboutcounseling.com,

the opinions of society are brutal when a target states she’s been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behavior is viewed as utterly dangerous, counterproductive, and silly to the outside world. It’s glaring bad judgment. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering ‘she’s as crazy as he is,’ they’ll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It’s a huge factor in how they win.

The Dirty Low-Down

  • If you think there’s a chance you might end up in court with the narcissist, that’s all the more reason to stick to No Contact or Modified Contact.  Furthermore, if you believe they might harm you physically, breaking No Contact will work against you.  If it comes to the point where you are considering a restraining order, the fact that you called and/or texted may prevent you from obtaining lawful protection, depending on your locality.
  • Alternately, if the narcissist keeps hoovering and you give in, you’re doing just as much to damage your rights as if you contacted them first.  While you may feel like you’re being mean by maintaining NC, and want to prove to your Narcissistic partner that you’re not as horrible as they say you are, know that they don’t care about you the same way.  In fact, they know what they’re doing and your chances at protection would be greatly reduced if you find the need to call the police.  Narcissists are tricky that way.
  • Need another reason to block his or her phone number?  Two words:  remote spyware.  Yep.  It’s a sneaky way for them to access your phone so they can turn it into a microphone and listen to your conversations, read all your text messages (and email if it feeds to your phone), and track your location.  Ask me how I know!
  • Many targets describe their strong need to “rescue” their abusive partner.  This is a natural, human instinct, but don’t let it ruin your future in exchange for a psychopath who would throw you under the bus in a skinny minute.  Don’t focus on the short-term.  Realize that every action made while under the influence of a Narcopath could have far-reaching effects on your future.
  • When you’ve made your intentions clear and your abuser is laying on the charm thick and heavy, assume the worst.  There’s a high likelihood that they’re trying to trick you and/or trap you, whether it’s for legal matters or simply to keep you their prisoner.
  • Don’t confide in them anything after you’ve broken No Contact during a moment of epic weakness.  This often happens when they come to you after having a so-called “epiphany” and have made promises all over themselves and consequently realized the “error of their ways”.  Boloney.  They WILL use your confession against you later.
  • Assume that at some point you will be monitored, stalked and/or under surveillance.  Leave nothing to chance.
  • If you have modified contact because of custody, only allow  them to talk to the kids when they call.  When the kids are finished, simply hang up the phone.  Don’t ask if there’s anything else they need.  If they try schmoozing you about something to “do with the kids”, tell them to either tell your lawyer or send you a letter via USPS.  Let a friend open the letter for you to see if it involves the kids.  If not, have your friend hang on to the letter for possible evidence.
  • Repeatedly breaking No Contact (regardless of whether or not you contacted him first) or allowing him into your home could land you in handcuffs.  It happens all the time. Victims of narcissistic abuse do occasionally snap and become aggressive with their abuser or become involved in a physical assault with the narcissist’s other lover.  The risk of these types of incidents becomes higher when drugs and/or alcohol are involved.

For each moment you give the Narcissist the benefit of the doubt, they are plotting ways to deceive and manipulate you.  None of your forgiveness or second chances will be acknowledged or appreciated.

If you once shared a residence with the narcissist and one of you have moved out, do not let them into your dwelling.  If they still have a key, change your locks.  I’ve read countless stories of targets whose homes were invaded while they were gone.  Property and heirlooms were stolen, microphones planted, even drugs.  There’s no limit to what they might do.

Stop protecting your Ex.  They’d never dream of doing that for you.

If your Ex is using your children as a means of continuing their abuse and tyranny over your life, check out Our Family Wizard.  This monitored email program and shared custody tool is so effective, it is ordered by courts in over thirty-five states.  It also keeps your children OUT of the middle!  

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(25) comments

Devalued & dicarded October 30, 2016

My Narcissist left me for the other woman after 25 years of marriage. Ist he used her to triangulate my feelings but as I began to resist the feelings associated with my discard & her being the special one . Now he is using my son to try and triangulate with me. By after 4 years of barely seeing him he now wants to take him out every week so he can try and make me feel jealous and so he can feed my son poison about me and teach him ways to devalue and gaslight me (in a way that is very subtle of course). I am not sure how to deal with this abuse against me and involving our son he is using him as supply.

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[…] order and accept them back into your life, which in turn makes them feel God-like (and can also hurt you in court).  If you have a restraining order in place, you must follow through with the guidelines and call […]

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Vanessa May 2, 2014

I went to see my counsellor today. Two months no contact and in a weak moment after a couple of wines called him for closure!
I will never go back to him but the way it ended was with police in a horribly abusive situation. I keep telling myself none of this abuse was my fault. He did use it as a way in but in clear terms after the call told him that I felt that there was ‘some’ closure and to now get on with our lives. He keeps calling but I don’t answer. I was obsessing about what happened in our relationship and it gave me the chance to tell him how I felt about his abuse. Yep, he was receptive, and admitted it to some extenct but I knew it was his manipulative ploy and couldn’t believe it anyway. Somehow for me, in maintaining a controlled position for once it’s helped me to move on now. As always the conversation was mostly about him! I just can’t believe a word he says, so I guess why bother. I’m not going back for more but I had the distinct feeling my counsellor was concerned that I would. I wish she had have believed me. I look for validation at the moment. The counselling session has unerved me a bit tonight. She is great but been in a marriage for 41 years so sometimes I think its hard for her to grasp where I am at. He cried very convincingly on the phone but as I have cried into the early hours of the morning with no-one to hold me it didn’t make an impact this time. I think I have come further, having done this, I don’t think it’s for everyone but I have done alot of personal work lately. I felt stronger and more grounded. The key is I think if you do this to know your purpose and then don’t continue contact. Everyone is different but I wish my counsellor had of seen where I was coming from today.

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[…] (*Don’t forget to check out How Breaking No Contact Can Hurt You in Court) […]

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[…] my article, Breaking No Contact Can Hurt You in Court, to learn how keeping the lines of communication open to an abusive partner can work against you.  […]

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Never was a truer word (words) said! Post-breakup contact with an ex is at best, painful and futile. Not worth the risk, especially if there are children involved.

When my ex was brought to trial for stalking me, being able to show that I had never initiated or responded to his contact attempts was invaluable.

Reply
    Kim Saeed March 6, 2014

    Thank you for sharing that! Hopefully by creating awareness about the dangers of breaking NC, targets will feel better equipped to handle their own NC once they’ve implemented it…

    Reply
Aussa Lorens March 5, 2014

So freakin’ true. Nothing helped MORE in court than the fact I was able to honestly say I had never ever tried to contact him in the aftermath.

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    Kim Saeed March 5, 2014

    Good information to know! Thanks for your input 🙂

    Reply
Julie March 5, 2014

Hi Kim;

I took up the one – week no contact a few days ago; not going “strong,’ but maintaining NC.

Finding this entry in my e-mail just now gave me a bit of strength, a reminder… Thanks

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    Kim Saeed March 7, 2014

    Yay! I’m so glad to hear it 🙂 If you make it the whole seven days, I will send you a certificate!

    Reply
alm383 March 5, 2014

كيف حال النرجسية اليوم

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[…] Breaking No Contact (or Modified Contact) Can Hurt You in Court. […]

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Teela Hart March 5, 2014

Reblogged this on Teela Hart and commented:
If you are out of an abusive relationship Kim Saeed has shared a few insights that are an invaluable tool. Take serious heed.

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Teela Hart March 5, 2014

Great post……would you mind if I reblog?

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    Kim Saeed March 5, 2014

    I would be honored 🙂

    Reply
      Teela Hart March 5, 2014

      Thank you

      Reply
      Teela Hart March 5, 2014

      I hit reblog, but I don’t find it. Did you get a reblog on your message board?

      Reply
        Kim Saeed March 5, 2014

        I got the message under my comment bubble, but when I go to your site, I don’t see it…

        Reply
      Anonymous November 5, 2014

      Wow I am so glad I found your site. I blocked my ex from everything for 2 months. I had to go to court recently and judge fell for his lies and was totally manipulated by him ( drug abusive was a mistake by the doc giving him the wrong prescription. ) I ! couldn’t believe it. Anyway I made the mistake of calling him and texting after recent court. What a mistake after 2 months of no contact. His texts were sweet then mean. I learned my lesson and blocked all again. I now have peace of mind , just one more court date and never have to see him again. Some of us have to learn the hard way

      Reply
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