How many times have you found yourself in this situation?
“I don’t know why he has to be so hateful. I only called him so I could tell him…”
No judgement here. I did this all the time before I realized what I was dealing with. Nonetheless, according to a forum on allaboutcounseling.com,
“the opinions of society are brutal when a target states she’s been abused and then she contacts her abuser, I can honestly tell you that such behavior is viewed as utterly dangerous, counterproductive, and silly to the outside world. It’s glaring bad judgment. The courts see mutual pathology and friends and other people just roll their eyes, turn away in droves muttering ‘she’s as crazy as he is,’ they’ll assume she lied about his abuse in the first place. It’s a huge factor in how they win.“
The Dirty Low-Down
- If you think there’s a chance you might end up in court with the narcissist, that’s all the more reason to stick to No Contact or Modified Contact. Furthermore, if you believe they might harm you physically, breaking No Contact will work against you. If it comes to the point where you are considering a restraining order, the fact that you called and/or texted may prevent you from obtaining lawful protection, depending on your locality.
- Alternately, if the narcissist keeps hoovering and you give in, you’re doing just as much to damage your rights as if you contacted them first. While you may feel like you’re being mean by maintaining NC, and want to prove to your Narcissistic partner that you’re not as horrible as they say you are, know that they don’t care about you the same way. In fact, they know what they’re doing and your chances at protection would be greatly reduced if you find the need to call the police. Narcissists are tricky that way.
- Need another reason to block his or her phone number? Two words: remote spyware. Yep. It’s a sneaky way for them to access your phone so they can turn it into a microphone and listen to your conversations, read all your text messages (and email if it feeds to your phone), and track your location. Ask me how I know!
- Many targets describe their strong need to “rescue” their abusive partner. This is a natural, human instinct, but don’t let it ruin your future in exchange for a psychopath who would throw you under the bus in a skinny minute. Don’t focus on the short-term. Realize that every action made while under the influence of a Narcopath could have far-reaching effects on your future.
- When you’ve made your intentions clear and your abuser is laying on the charm thick and heavy, assume the worst. There’s a high likelihood that they’re trying to trick you and/or trap you, whether it’s for legal matters or simply to keep you their prisoner.
- Don’t confide in them anything after you’ve broken No Contact during a moment of epic weakness. This often happens when they come to you after having a so-called “epiphany” and have made promises all over themselves and consequently realized the “error of their ways”. Boloney. They WILL use your confession against you later.
- Assume that at some point you will be monitored, stalked and/or under surveillance. Leave nothing to chance.
- If you have modified contact because of custody, only allow them to talk to the kids when they call. When the kids are finished, simply hang up the phone. Don’t ask if there’s anything else they need. If they try schmoozing you about something to “do with the kids”, tell them to either tell your lawyer or send you a letter via USPS. Let a friend open the letter for you to see if it involves the kids. If not, have your friend hang on to the letter for possible evidence.
- Repeatedly breaking No Contact (regardless of whether or not you contacted him first) or allowing him into your home could land you in handcuffs. It happens all the time. Victims of narcissistic abuse do occasionally snap and become aggressive with their abuser or become involved in a physical assault with the narcissist’s other lover. The risk of these types of incidents becomes higher when drugs and/or alcohol are involved.
For each moment you give the Narcissist the benefit of the doubt, they are plotting ways to deceive and manipulate you. None of your forgiveness or second chances will be acknowledged or appreciated.
If you once shared a residence with the narcissist and one of you have moved out, do not let them into your dwelling. If they still have a key, change your locks. I’ve read countless stories of targets whose homes were invaded while they were gone. Property and heirlooms were stolen, microphones planted, even drugs. There’s no limit to what they might do.
Stop protecting your Ex. They’d never dream of doing that for you.
If your Ex is using your children as a means of continuing their abuse and tyranny over your life, check out Our Family Wizard. This monitored email program and shared custody tool is so effective, it is ordered by courts in over thirty-five states. It also keeps your children OUT of the middle!
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