10 Lies We Mistake for Love – Part One

By Kim Saeed | Break-Ups

Mar 12

This article is the first in a two-part series.

What is real love?

Poets and writers have attempted to define true love for centuries. While true love is certainly something worth striving for, it’s not all candlelight and romantic walks on the beach.  Men and women speak a different language when it comes to showing and receiving love.  This sometimes results in interactions that are less than ideal.  However, in a mutually loving relationship, each partner is ultimately treated with respect and consideration; two things that are absent in a relationship with a Narcissist.  At least, from their side.

Often, part of what makes a person susceptible to a one-sided, abusive relationship is painful experiences from childhood.  Unfortunately, it was during this time that many people learned about conditional love.  Specifically, if you were behaving in a particular way, you were rewarded with love, affection, or at the very least, acceptance.  If you didn’t follow through with specific criteria, you may have been punished physically or emotionally.  Because of this, millions of adults are still stuck in patterns of co-dependency looking for love and validation outside of themselves.

This is precisely why we accept disrespectful and abusive behavior from a Narcissistic partner.  Subconsciously, we believe we are not lovable and that only through our actions and/or what we provide can we be accepted and loved.  Therefore, it’s important to recognize the fact that Narcissists often prey on people with low self-esteem and what it may look like if you’ve become a target of an emotional predator.  (Although they can, and do, also target people with high levels of confidence).

10 Lies We Mistake for Love

 1.  “You’re the most beautiful (hottest, sexiest) person I’ve ever seen.”

This statement is generally the first hook by a Narcissist.  Narcissists are themselves typically attractive, well-dressed, trendy, and “popular”.  So, for someone with low self-esteem to hear this, it’s very validating.  That doesn’t mean it isn’t true.  Narcissists usually go after attractive people because it helps them look good by association.  However, if someone you’ve just met has told you this, it’s a red flag.

A person’s true beauty comes from the inside.  That’s how physically attractive people can appear ugly if their behaviors are vile.  It takes time to get to know someone and determine if they are truly beautiful.  However, if you’ve been lonely and feeling “less than”, it can lead to magical thinking if you hear this soon after meeting someone.

2. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

If you’ve been seeing someone for a long time, this statement may well hold some credence.  However, if a new date tells you this the third time you meet, it’s a red flag.

Hearing this from someone you’ve recently met means they have determined that you will make an excellent source of supply.  You’ve passed their screening process and scored high on the “I’ll do anything for love” aptitude test.

Being a loving person is a good thing.  Blindly giving your love to someone who will never appreciate it only leads to heartache and lower self-esteem.  Narcissists will never appreciate your sacrifices, your submission, your intelligence, nor your loving heart.  People are only in their lives according to their potential benefit.

3.  You understand me more than my Ex ever did”.

Logically, if you are forming a relationship with an emotionally mature person, they wouldn’t feel the need to compare you to their Ex.  A mature person especially wouldn’t articulate this in the very beginning.

When you hear this from a person you’ve been dating for only a week, they are saying it to appeal to your nurturing, sensitive nature and as a form of love-bombing.  Basically, it’s a form of reward and an unspoken prompt for you to persist in fawning over them.

4.  I never loved / cared about my Ex the way I do you.”

This is a popular statement among emotional predators.  They say it to give you the impression that they think you are special.  To feel special after having a painful childhood and/or adulthood where you never felt that way can be blinding.  It appeals to your need for love.  What’s sad about it is that while you are feeling wanted and exceptional, they are secretly laughing at the simplicity of their pursuit of you.

Again, if you’ve been seeing someone for only a few weeks, there is no way that the relationship has gotten to the point where they can love or care about you more than their Ex.  That’s not to say you aren’t lovable or special, only that love takes time. Besides, Narcissists don’t experience that emotion; not genuinely.  While you may very well be special, no one can make this type of determination in a month.  Don’t fall for it.

~ Commitment

5.  This might sound crazy, but let’s get married.”

Emotional predators pop the question early on for strategic purposes.  They want you to start making long-term plans for the relationship and subconsciously commit yourself to them even though you’ve only known them a few weeks.  However, know that while they are popping the question to you, there is another woman in the wings who is being brutally discarded.

When it comes to a Narcissist, nothing is as it seems.  They jump from target to target without any misgivings.  If you are in love with one, it’s very difficult to comprehend how they can do this because we assume they feel the same emotions of love and commitment that we do.  But, they don’t.  It’s important to realize that if the person you’ve recently begun dating frequently compares you to their Ex, plays the victim, pushes for physical intimacy, and pops the question too soon, you are being targeted.  Or, if you’re reading this in hindsight, perhaps it will give you the courage to go ahead and implement No Contact.

~ Unfaithful Man

Look for Part Two next week where I’ll cover more lies that we mistake for love.  In the meantime, Heather Inks defines what true love is NOT:

True love birthed with lies is not true love, it is deception.

True love filled with abuse is not true love, it is lust, power, and control.

True love with a selfish partner is not true love, it is unrequited love and codependency.

True love that experiences infidelity of any kind-emotional affairs, physical sexual affairs, pornographic addictions, or lust issues is not true love, it is fickle lust and a relationship of convenience. True love is not always convenient, it requires dedication and sacrifice.”

© Let Me Reach, 2014

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(23) comments

cristianedawning August 2, 2015

Reblogged this on relationshitexit and commented:
“True love birthed with lies is not true love, it is deception.

True love filled with abuse is not true love, it is lust, power, and control.

True love with a selfish partner is not true love, it is unrequited love and codependency.”

Reply
Diane Dolan June 14, 2015

only great and ever so helpful ! thank you for all you do !

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made58 April 28, 2014

Reblogged this on MadeleineMaya.

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the writer March 22, 2014

A truly amazing piece of work Kim! And one that could not have come at a better time. Thank you 🙂

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bamboozled1 March 19, 2014

You understand me more etc etc…. You’re the only one who knows me, you get me like nobody else does…. I think I’m falling in love with you, no, I love you…..

= I love that you believe my lies so easily…

Reply

[…] This post is the second in a two-part series.  To see the first one, click here. […]

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Susan Lattwein March 18, 2014

Hi Kim, such great warnings, and isn’t Brene Brown wonderful?!!

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    Kim Saeed March 18, 2014

    Thanks, Susan! And yes…Brene is great 😀

    Reply
aishasoasis March 15, 2014

Right on target! I fell for every one of these – especially when he asked me to marry him ten minutes after we met! I was homeless and much too easy to hunt unfortunately.

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deanjbaker March 14, 2014

always enjoying

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    Kim Saeed March 14, 2014

    🙂 Thanks, Dean!

    Reply
armyofangels2013 March 13, 2014

I hope this information reaches women everywhere! I fell for every trick you mentioned in this post! I grew up without a love relationship model of health-I truly only had my fantasy of a relationship to base my reality on….Now my journey has me searching for authentic love, not romantic love…

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    Kim Saeed March 14, 2014

    I like that…”authentic love, not romantic love”. This is my journey, too. I just didn’t realize it until you articulated it 🙂

    Reply
KarinKateriKei March 12, 2014

#5 It would have been damn difficult to share my engagement ring with the other woman that he promised it to! To “HappinessWeekly”, I’m finding the “Buddy System” as has been recommended by Kim is a wonderful help as is the love and support of my BFF and her family.

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amaezed March 12, 2014

Because of loves complexities, I won’t even try to explain love away. I can’t anyway. What I will say is that unless we get to our own divine love..there is no way we can possibly love another. When a person really and truly reaches his own Nirvanic heights, they will go out empty to be filled up by the first person’s glance. FAIL. If you consider the elements of such wondrous heights and what is occurring when one is there. Guidance towards other ascended people. Two “Like” people don’t squabble. Fortune and magic come their way. It is futile discussing the paradigm of failed relationships and is merely a band-aid temporary method. That takes me to the meaning of True Love. To me, the divine love of one’s self is that. I am not talking from spirituality or any new age foundation but life’s experience that has taught me how to build a foundation, not from the Hollywood roof but the bricks and mortar and discipline of being by yourself and feeling your heart of hearts. Rewards come fast ONLY when one is guided by the Universal. Cheers
http://amaezed.wordpress.com/love/

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happinessweekly March 12, 2014

Another fantastic blog! Sometimes it breaks my heart when I look back at how he used to tell me he was “different” and our love was so unique – “no one else would ever understand how we felt about each other”. And then I kind of smile – still healing, so it still hurts a lot – but he was so common he had a label to describe his personality! And that scares me. How many of them are there?
I found photos the other day of bruises he left behind. I live every day overcome by fear… I’m scared I’ll never meet someone who understands me like he pretended to, I’m scared I won’t trust anyone ever again, I’m scared no one else will ever know who I am, I’m scared no one will ever take my breath away the way he once did… Most of all I’m terrified of ever seeing or hearing from him again, scared of what he will do, scared of what I will do… I don’t know what I’d do! Do I run? Do I lose my control again and talk to him? Do I continue as a stranger? I have panic attacks that take my breath away every day. Every morning I vomit – like some kind of drug addict-style detox. I’ve gone from open and fun-loving with a smile that lights up photos to a detached robot overwhelmed with pain.
I thought about it long and hard one morning as I was overcome by tears again, and I think my greatest fear of all – even despite moving, despite no contact – is him finding me and me getting lured back in again for more torture. How can something so completely toxic be so addictive? How long does it take to forget and move on? At what point do you learn to trust yourself again?
Thank you Kim – it saddens me that there are others who have been hurt by their ways and heard the same toxic concoction of lies. Your blog posts are always helpful and always make me feel less alone. x

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    aishasoasis March 15, 2014

    It takes time, don’t be too hard on yourself for your very natural feelings. But never stop reminding yourself of your suffering from his abuse – he was taking advantage of you unfairly! Keep reading about and following healthy lifestyle strategies, and have no fear, there are many beautiful dreams still to come for your heart !

    Reply
Teela Hart March 12, 2014

This would explain a lot……”Specifically, if you were behaving in a particular way, you were rewarded with love, affection, or at the very least, acceptance. If you didn’t follow through with specific criteria, you may have been punished physically or emotionally.” One of my parents let me know frequently, non-verbally and sometimes verbally that I had disappointed them. Very detached and cold.

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L D March 12, 2014

Kim,

I said #3 to the new guy I’ve been seeing but that is because he is healthy and my ex was a narc/sociopath! I was letting him know how healing it is to be with a “normal” person. 🙂

LD

________________________________

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    Kim Saeed March 12, 2014

    That’s quite understandable, LD. That doesn’t mean you’re disordered! This is a checklist to use when we ourselves have been abused and what to be on the lookout for going into another relationship, especially when they say all of the statements in the post…

    I can totally relate to your angle 🙂

    Reply
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