Can a Narcissist Move On?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Mar 15

These are search terms that come up on my stats page quite frequently.  Readers want to know if a Narcissist can move on from their relationships. 

Honestly, it depends on the depth of their Narcissism and typically depends on one factor:

Whether they left you or you left them.

Narcissists are all about power and control.  If they leave you after devaluing and discarding you, they’ve retained the power in their mind, so they can leave the relationship without a second thought.   But more commonly, overt narcissists will often keep you strung along for years while they start a life with a new partner, leaving you in a state of limbo if you don’t go No Contact.

However, if you leave them first, they will go on a revenge campaign that will make you question your very reason for existence.  If you happen to have children with them, it’s best to prepare yourself for Dante’s circles of Hell, circa 4-9.

In fact, their hatred for you will seem as fresh five years down the road as when you first left.  There are generally three modes of operation that the Narcissist will engage in after you end the relationship.

1.  Stalking and Harassing – The Narcissist will use every tool available to them in an attempt to get you back under their control.  There are two main reasons for this.  The first being that they want you back because you’ve been excellent supply and they don’t want to lose that.  Secondly, it’s quite possible that they want to enact the devalue and discard phase so you will be left feeling like the most worthless waste of a human being…ever.  To them, revenge is the ultimate victory… especially if your self-esteem is left in scraps in the process.

When it comes to the pathology of a Narcissist, expect anything.  They will, and often do, hire Private Investigators in addition to monitoring you themselves.  They may attempt to plant spyware on your phone and computer, install a tracking device on your vehicle, or install hidden cameras in your home.  That’s why it’s important that you don’t let them into your new house or apartment after initiating No Contact…well, that and the fact that you don’t want to give them the opportunity to break your resolve by allowing them to resume their brainwashing techniques.

2.  The Smear Campaign – The manifestation of this revenge tactic depends on your circumstances at the time you leave.  If you share a wide circle of mutual friends, expect your reputation to be destroyed.  You will certainly find out who your true friends are during this phase.  But don’t be discouraged.  The Narcissist has been fooling people for years.  In fact, consider yourself enlightened as you are able to peel away people from your life that aren’t as genuine and loyal as they once seemed.

If you don’t share friends at the time you leave, that doesn’t matter to the Narcissist.  They will find ways to casually infiltrate into your new social circle in an attempt to plant seeds of doubt.    Be on the lookout for the Narcissist being added to the “friends list” of people you have on your own social networking sites.  If that happens, delete those people from your list.

3.  Harassment through the Court System – If you have children with the Narcissist, expect an ambush.  Lies and drama will be the agenda and they will do whatever necessary in an attempt to take away what means the most to you, your children.  Not because they care about them, but because it’s the ultimate way to cut you off at the knees.

Their New “Love”

Regardless of how your relationship ended, they will have no qualms about starting a new one with someone else (and may have started one BEFORE your relationship ended).

They will give the appearance that they’ve moved on, but if you left them first, you can bet they are plotting ways to make you pay.  This will come across as innocent banter to anyone who listens to them.  They have a sneaky way of discussing the relationship they had with you while making it seem they couldn’t care less about you or your new life, but inside their own mind they are seething with hatred and dreams of revenge.

The reason they can acquire a new partner in such a short amount of time is because 1) they have an innate inability to develop normal attachments and bonding with others, and 2)  the Narcissist cannot survive without supply.

Regardless of what it looks like, they are not in love with the new partner.  Narcissists are quite skilled in acquiring fresh targets who will become the new punching bag (emotional and otherwise).  As such, there’s no need to be jealous of the new love in the Narcissist’s life.

Their “Change of Heart”

Commonly, even when the Narcissist has acquired a new source of supply, they will still come around from time-to-time.  The reasons for this vary depending on the Narcissists’ pathology.  However, it’s important to remember that if your Narcissist has a new partner, yet returns to your door, it has nothing to do with love, but can include the following:

  • They want to ascertain that they still have control over you.  This assures them that you are still in the queue in case you can benefit them later.
  • They want to make you feel badly about yourself, so they convince you to let them back in, only to tear you down even more.  An example of this would be their getting you to be intimate with them, only to call you “slut” and “whore” and leave you in tears afterwards.
  • They consider you their property and will do whatever necessary to sabotage any new relationships you may begin with someone else.

As you can see, the Narcissist typically doesn’t move on.  If someone is out of their life for good, it’s because the other person chose that, not the Narcissist.  Granted, there are cases where the Narcissist leaves permanently, but it’s typically when they were the one to leave a relationship first, they’re a cerebral narcissist, or they no longer want to put in effort for damage control .  

It means they have found other sources of sufficient supply, which generally include the new partner and new side-supply.

The real question here is…can you move on?  Can you let go of the abuse; of the toxic relationship and rise above it all?  Can you choose your own happiness over someone that will never love you?  Can you overcome any codependency issues you might have and realize your own worth?  Can you let go of the fear?  Can you close the door to heartache and open a new door to your authentic self?

I believe you can.  But you have to start by making the choice.  After that, everything else will fall into place.  

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(103) comments

Tasha Jones June 9, 2017

I was with a narcissist for a year. I had no idea he was a narcissist till his sister told me. I broke up with him in February and a week later I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. A week after that I found out he was seeing another woman. Here is the very damaging part. He moved behind my home 2 months after we started dating and we work together at my job. So I see his new supply passing my house to get to his behind me.. I’m 5 months pregnant now and did a no contact but it’s hard to see him going by more home and at my job.. I feel like he is torchering me while pregnant with my son. It’s the worst experience of my life. Also his new love interest works at my job too… Just awful… I have so much anxiety going to work!! I’m a very strong woman and a single mom of 3. I found out he lied to me about everything Iean everything. Also told me he could no longer have children so I felt like someone pulled the rug from under my feet when I broke up and found out I was pregnant. What can I do??

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 11, 2017

    Hi Tasha,

    Thanks for sharing your experience. The first thing I would recommend is moving. I know it would be a huge undertaking, but to stay there while you’ve not healed from this would cause more emotional damage, I believe. Legally, you could contact an attorney to see what your legal rights are.

    Once you get through your maternity leave, it would be a good idea to start looking for other employment, as well.

    Wishing you the best…you’re in a tough situation, but it’s not impossible.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Kathleen Wheeler March 31, 2017

After all I’ve read, and video’s watched, and what has taken me 17 years to see my Man is a Narcissist, I’m learning I will never be free of Him!

Reply
    Kim Saeed May 8, 2017

    Hi Kathleen,

    I am sorry for your experiences. As a recovered victim of narcissistic abuse, though, I do believe we can be free of these people. I share custody of my youngest son with my narcissistic Ex, yet my life is not affected by my past with him and I have implemented the necessary boundaries to protect my freedom. I think this is possible for all of us.

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Kathleen Wheeler March 31, 2017

Can you tell a Narcissist he is one? Or show Him the information found on what one is to get Him to see what, or why He does the things He does?

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    Kim Saeed May 8, 2017

    Hi Kathleen,

    I wouldn’t advise it. This never results in a positive outcome, and they typically use the information to further manipulate you. They aren’t interested in making positive changes, so to tell them they are a narcissist typically results in narcissistic injury and they will find a way to get you back for pointing out one of their flaws.

    Hope that helps! Kim

    Reply
Mel January 31, 2017

These people will never leave you alone.They are totally sick. As for the hovering do they think that we are that shallow that they can come back for another round of lets go to the land of Oz. They are ridiculous, pathetic, empty shells of humans more like robots really programmed to keep saying the same BS time after time. They are nothing and you my friend are a beautiful, clever, worthy person. They are not worth your time, your energy and most of all your love. Don’t give them a second glance. Melx

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Jane December 19, 2016

I have found these articles immensely useful in the aftermath of the ending of a narcissistic relationship. It followed the pattern exactly. The next woman lined up ready to go as soon as he had sent the text to me to end the relationship. Unexpectedly. Less than 2 weeks after long term plans were made. Ended by text. One brief sentence. Refused to meet face to face. No explanation. No acknowledgment of the 6 year relationship. No remorse or empathy. His words were ” I hated doing this but I had no choice. You will never change”
He was never able to tell me what had to change though. But these articles are very helpful. I have insight now as to why a previous relationship of his ended in the woman suiciding. Still this man blames others and tells a convincing victim story. Very helpful to read the consistent message of no contact. At first you don’t want that. But after a while you see it is the healthiest thing to do. The only thing to do. I feel for his next victim.

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Elie October 13, 2016

Trying to end n relationship. Scared and isolated. Help

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Neemi July 22, 2016

I went nc but I kept breaking it and he kept calling. I decided change my number. All sudden I feel my comp is hacked. Suddenly I receive this message my comp has a virus !! Kim how can I get it removed ?

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Neemi July 22, 2016

Hi. How can one put spyware on phone or computer ?

Reply
Anonymous December 9, 2015

I hope that my ex is gone from my life forever.

I suspect that he is a Narcissist; a professional though thought he was a BPD. He is very obsessed in power and controlling IMO, but at the same time, he’s extremely emotional, and might have illusions as well. He’s a lier and always come up with fake stories, mainly about how miserable his life was and to degrade everyone around me and him, and has a very fk up life.

It’s been a very long while – months – since he had last heard my voice and had read my text. After a series of serious fights – mainly because of he got caught on trying to manipulating me and of course firing degrading words to hurt me as a result, I cut him off and went NC. It was like hell for about 2 months when he was doing all the revenges mentioned in the article. Then he stopped.

I don’t care if he has a new target, truly happy with her or just faking the happiness.

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    Caz January 4, 2016

    I have been suffering the payback of a sociopath for 9 months now and unless you live it, people never understand and only now following the latest threat have the police finally seen the danger I am in. After many years of an on / off relationship where like many others have mentioned, i would somehow be the one apologising and asking him back, I woke up and threw him out for good. So ensued the last 9 months of hell. i went No Contact and I mean NO Contact. He broke into my property causing damage , then made vil threats to kill me and my children, threatened to poison my dogs, spilled every secret I had ever told him regarding friends and family by writing letters to them or their husbands detailing everything. He then systematically wrote to my children’s schools and then my employers and then the police and even the local papers. Fortunately for me no one believed his lies and eventually i secured a non molestation order where for 6 weeks he went quiet. Then he turned back up sat outside my new partner’s property and it all started again despite no reaction from anyone. he began a rampage on facebook stating the most vile lies including claiming my father raped me as a child and my son was born addicted to heroin. He then began to say vile things about my new partners deceased wife all of which were also untrue and then in the last 3 weeks, my property has been trashed, my car damaged, any ex partner of mine has been stalked and threatened and then this accumulated to vast amounts of rat poison being mixed with dog food and left all around the outside of my house. By sheer fluke, my dogs were not killed as I spotted it first. Since day one I have reported everything to the police, in general to little avail but following the rat poison things have been taken very seriously. I live in genuine fear for my life, have had to change everything about my life and believe he will not stop until he finds a new supply. I have done nothing to antagonise him as have stuck whole heartedly to the NO contact. The police are now searching for him as the 6 week break was due to him waiting to move house where he thought no one could find him before continuing. They have promised me he will be charged with harassment this time and are going to fit CCTV to my property. However my fear is all this will enrage him further especially if he is sent to prison and that he will try and attack my children to get to me.
    Luckily I have good friends and as a genuine person they know there is not an ounce in truth in regards to the things he says and have stood by me, as have my employers etc. but it is truly devastating to live this way. i spent Xmas eve sat up behind my fron door with a knife in my hand, convinced he was coming to ruin xmas day. he didnt but I was on edge all day. i am on edge everywhere I go. i have found little on the internet to offer support when you have already completed NO contact and it hasnt helped. I literally feel like I will spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder as no matter what sentence he receives, he will only be angrier. My only hope is him moving away or securing a new supply and at 52 and an ego which means he will only settle for someone a lot younger and way out of his league I dont think this will h

    Reply
Susan November 27, 2015

This is very interesting, as I haven’t found a lot (barely anyway) about the ‘What if you leave them’ version. I haven’t heard from the N in nearly two years. No smear campaigns either. Now, I did leave him with a bang, as in I exposed him and actually threatened to out all of his disgusting ‘little’ secrets if he ever came near me again, which I named a couple off to make sure he knew I knew it all.
On one hand I really think he’ll never approach me, but there’s always that little voice telling me ‘Don’t be to sure about that’. As I can imagine it shook his world when I ‘the sweetest girl’ blew up like that, cause I was so fed up. In the back of my mind there’s still a feeling that he will make me pay for it, as I experienced him holding a grudge for some colleague for over a year. That was until they came face to face and he attacked him. That ended a year of constant whining about this colleague, incl. outing threats of raping that guys gf. Total insanity. But it’s been two years already. Blissfully quiet years.

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Eden November 4, 2015

my ex has not bothered me since June. i hung up on him mid-sentence during one of his ‘poor me I sacrifice everything for this relationship and you do nothing rants’ (when confronted with a lie he told). well, he waited 10 days–probably expecting me to come to my senses and miss him so bad that I would call him to reconcile–and when I didn’t do that he reached out. First he was acting non-chalant, simply requesting I come ‘get my things’ and ‘love always’–bait to make me feel safe so I would call and he could engage me. When I didn’t respond to the texts, that’s when the voicemails came. Calm and respectful at first (a total act) then the second one he was blaming me for the breakup implying that HE was the one who broke up with ME (“I told you that was your last time”). He was being rude, condescending and insulting all while asserting that the call was not personal (lol), he didn’t wanna discuss us, he was over it, doesn’t want to see me – “just come get your stuff and pay me. ” He totally could have thrown my stuff out and sued me for the money if he REALLY didnt want to talk to me. But, I could hear the quiet rage, panic, and pain in his voice. I wanted so bad to curse him out, to rage against him. But I knew all he wanted was to transfer his pain and anger onto me, break me down, then win me back. Rinse, wash, repeat — and I was so tired of that.

So the last time he heard my voice was that day that I hung up on him mid-sentence. That was June. After those texts and calls he never reached out again. He hovered the last time we broke up (off and on for a year). But I think the difference now is that he knows the jig is up. I caught him red handed in an indisputable lie so he knows that I would never forgive him — after coming back to him and giving him the benefit of the doubt the first time only to have all of my fears confirmed.

I know that the best parts of him tried to love me. He’s not a total monster, but he’s damaged and ultimately that narc will always win out. I left because I finally saw how fkd up he was. Sadly, his inability to see himself clearly keeps him from carrying any responsibility. That makes me so angry sometimes. Must be nice to shrug off all of the fkd up things you do and go on about life thinking your some sort of messiah. Try as he might though, I suspect he has moments of clarity–even if they are only a few minutes out of a day–when he gets what he lost. He’ll never say sorry cuz his psyche can’t afford to be wrong. It’s so sad!

He was the love of my life and my worst nightmare simultaneously.

I think they disappear altogether too when they know they’ve been truly found out. A small part of me wishes he would reach out just so i could have the satisfaction of knowing he’s suffering without me a little. But that’s the ego talking. I don’t expect to hear from him ever again (even though I suspect he stalks my social media profiles that aren’t private (because of my business some have to be public). And I bet he has convinced himself that HIS divine love was wasted on ME. SMH.

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    Lynn black January 6, 2017

    Its a life changing freedom .. i was sad at his absence but happy he was gone ill get a dog as my x was killing me .. forreal making me feel worthless ..lying.. cheating n blaming me .. i thought something was wrong but now i know what they r selfrighteous victims.. get out n away

    Reply
kcmusic October 6, 2015

You mention above about installing spyware on your phone. I have reason to believe that this is the case for me, and I’ve done all I know to do to try to remove it. His best friend was a computer hacker in the army, and is super-smart with technology. How can I find out if this is really happening? This guy is smart enough to bypass even the normal ways of blocking such spyware. Is there anything I can do? My exN ends up knowing info that I’ve ONLY sent via text message to one person on my phone. I have a CM Security app installed.

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Lynn September 5, 2015

I experienced a breakup with such a person over 23 years ago. We dated 6 months. The last time I saw him at his boat-six women showed up and he took out the boat so they could water ski. He ignored my requests to return to shore such that I could use the restroom. He didn’t ask me if I wanted to leave the dock in the boat. I felt peace about never seeing him again. I enrolled in college courses.

He contacted me about a month later. I met him and he had nothing to say. I told him I was busy going to college and didn’t have time to date. I left without him saying a word. I was single living alone and experienced someone picking my locks to gain entrance everywhere I moved. Every entry door promptly had latch bolts added. He brought his son to trick or treat to my doorstep ( I didn’t realize it was him until later). Coworkers asked me if I had any problems living alone-I told them what I was experiencing. I thought there question was odd. Later coworkers informed me that the person who was breaking in worked there. I thought this was even odder. I was shopping at the market and was accosted and solicited by someone. I found a friendly coworker and began a conversation with him on the basis that someone was bothering me. I told people at work a crazy person bothered me at the market and this friendly coworker gave me some peace.

My supervisor told me there was something going on that put me on the top of the layoff list that I could not control. I thought this keeps getting odder. I searched the email address list and found he worked there. I called his extension and asked when he started working there. He would not answer and acted like he was upset I contacted him. My mail was stolen out of my mailbox and the police officer told me the perpetrator said it had nothing to do with me personally. I thought this is getting even odder. I installed a locking mailbox.

I continuously bothered by different men at Costco, Meijer, etc. all calling me a Camaro. This is the model of the car I drove when I dated him. Someone at work asked informed me he didn’t know how I would respond if I was told that he left me for someone he thought was better and found out later they weren’t. A different person at work drew a picture of where his boat was docked at metro beach while remaining mute. My mail was stolen out of the locking mailbox. A coworker who shared my cube told me about someone stating that he stole my mail again and liked it-probably skilled at lock picking. One week later another coworker mentioned stalking. Another week later I was laid off.

An inside call came in to my desk at work when I answered I found it was him. He asked me if I was being laid off. I told him I prefer it when we are not talking and hung up. I was still being called a Camaro by various men at the market shopping during work hours. I purchased a cell phone detector to detect a gps tracker on my vehicle. I haven’t been bothered shopping since. I hope this is over. I doubt it is.
They don’t change

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Need Help Please July 28, 2015

I’d like to know, how long does it take to totally get rid of them ?
I mean, are we safe when they date again ? Does it mean they stopped obsessing about us ? Are we supposed to protect us for our whole life so they are not tempted ?
Thank you 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 4, 2015

    Hi Need Help,

    How long it takes really depends on the individual narcissist and what methods you’ve implemented to keep them blocked.

    If you’ve initiated No Contact and have blocked them from all avenues of communication, it helps tremendously. To answer your question – because they may be dating (or even married) doesn’t mean we’re safe. Further, any sort of interaction with them is cause for them to believe we still want them in our life, even if the interaction is negative. The best way to move forward is to avoid any communication at all, make it clear you want them to leave you alone, and file a restraining order if necessary.

    Hope that helps!

    Reply
mary July 16, 2015

Hi everyone. ….I think that my ex was a narcissist but I’m wondering if I’m putting a label on him to make it easier for me. He broke up with me and has blocked me on LinkedIn etc. Here’s what happened. …we met online 18 months ago. All was fine for about 2 months. ….then he disappeared for a weekend. ..said he wasn’t well. He does have a condition which contributes to depression but won’t take any meds. We got back together but I never felt trueĺy at ease. …things were wrong and I knew it but ignored the red flags. He could never apologise. …he was very mean with money. ….couldn’t give a compliment. …it was like he had this underlying rage in him. He was very moody which often meant that I got the silent treatment for no reason. Anyway he was made redundant, needed help to finish his masters, his dad died and jobs were not becoming available. I supported him through it all. He eventually got a job but needed money to pay rent deposit. I helped him out. As soon as he is settled he dumps me. I did happen to go away with the girls for a weekend just before that and that’s when the mood and silent treatment kicked off again. We agreed that he would repay the money in full the following day. He didn’t. A week later and still no money in my account. I contacted him and got half. He agreed to pay balance at a later date. That date came and went. I waited. Nothing. I emailed and got no reply. I eventually emailed again telling him that I would come to his new place of employment to collect my money if I had to. He replied immediately and gave me some of what he owed. But I insisted on the full amount or I’d get the police involved. He transferred it to my account. He obviously thought that I was a soft touch and that he’d get away with it as he now lives in another city. But I made it very clear that I would do what I had to do to get my money. Does he appear to others as a narcissist? He’s trawling the dating sites again I see! !Will he be back? Is he a narcissist or just a bad egg? Thanks for reading.

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

    Mary, your question is a common one, “Is he a Narcissist or not?” He’s shown you his character and that’s really the most important indicator. What I see from your comment is that he took full advantage of your best personality traits: Empathy, Compassion, Supportiveness, etc.

    His “allegiance” to you ended when he got what he needed and he bounced.

    Will he be back? It’s possible, but the question is…are you going to wait around for a person who won’t treat you like you deserve? Will you keep the door open for more heartbreak? I’d say accept your losses, go No Contact, and forget about this guy. Yes, easier said than done – you’ll need to go through the grieving process and do some self-work, but pretend this guy doesn’t exist anymore and forge ahead with dignity <3

    Reply
My Shadow June 26, 2015

The REAPER and MY SHADOW:

Jan 31st 2015 @ 12:37am

A day in my life with a narcissist,

Today he treated me like I was total trash. His words pierced me like a dagger. Once he drew first blood he continued to pummel me until he was certain that he had cause me imminent death. He enjoyed watching me suffer at his mercy. I would for sure on this day because we were over and hour away and he was in full control of me and his rolling piece of ego thunder. A Chevy Tahoe that had a 6″ body lift and 35″ knobby wheels. Today would be brutal and we both knew it. He had become a monster, my monster and LOVED every min of making sure that I knew how much he HATED ME!

“YOU ARE NOTHING”…he says…

“WORTHLESS”…he says.

“TRASH”…he says.

“A NICKEL & DIME, LYING, CHEATING, FAT ASS, ALCOHOLIC, WHORE”… he says.

“YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING…he says.

“I HATE YOU”..he says.

He has done everything to cut me down and make me feel less than human. Less than an animal, less than trash!!!!

As I cry he laughs and giggles, as if he was OHhhh SOoooooo VERY PROUD of his accomplishments. FOR HIM TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY!!!!!

He continues to text and drive with me in the truck, knowing that I am SCARED TO DEATH!!!

I am an only child with 8 kids and two who are only 6 & 9. I am very concerned for my safety at this point. His driving is erratic and he is now driving at the speed of light and is all over the highway. As he screams at the top of his lungs.

He repeatedly brings up the fact that he has had sex outside of our relationship with several women and that he often came home to me with the smell and taste of them still on him. He gloats about how stupid I was for not noticing or figuring things out. As he tells me these things, he is also stating that he always knew “I” was nothing but a lying, cheating, whore. Yet….I NEVER cheated and had been alone for the 7 years prior to him and I getting together. Again, he watches joyfully as I crumble into a million pieces into something that is less than a particle of dust.

As usual when he sees that he has broken me once again, he begins to apologize and show concern for my wellbeing, as if he does not know what he has just done or said to me. Or maybe it is that he just doesn’t care what he has done?

I FEEL EMPTY!!! I FEEL
DEAD!!! For I feel as if I have NO SOUL after he devoured it, as if it was his evening dinner.

Yet…somehow….he appears a little confused about his meal. After his belly has settled and 15 min of silence has passed with only the sound or hummm of his jacked up truck and my secretive whimpering he starts telling me to put a smile on my face and let’s have a good night.

Of course, that’ll be easy…I think to my self. Now that he is full and I am gone. “JUST LOVE ME” he says…”JUST LOVE ME, CAN YOU?” THAT…is his mind set, while I sit there quietly, suspended in a complete FOG (Fear, Obligation & Guilt). Because somehow this was all my fault, just ask him and how dare I cry because I did this.

Of course, by this time I wanted to do nothing but curl up in a corner away from him and the rest of the world. If I could have just melted away that would have been ok.

As the embarrassment, shame and guilt set and thoughts of how did this happen consumed my mind. I could no longer speak. I couldn’t find a single sound to say anything, nothing at all. Although, he continued to prod me with his words that felt like a hot iron poker, for I am now ASHES!

Strange….but as I continue to listen to his rage against me…I find myself asking the question. “Is he even human?” For me, this was a very real question, not one I was asking out of anger but deep from within my heart and mind.

HE HAS BECOME MY REAPER!!!

A DEATH STALKER THAT “LOVES” ME?!?!?!?

He consistently makes remarks about how I am drink too much, although I have had only 3 beers and its a Friday night. Yet he was the one who bought the 6pk for us and pulled over on the way home to buy more beer and opened them for me. This was his way to ensure that I had more to drink this evening and he could continue his belittling and abuse.

He does this with food too… I have gained approx 40 pounds while with him and have almost stopped working completely due to his mental torment and my inability to stay focused. So…now he has also started calling me lazy and fat. Yet… He is the one that forces me to eat and calls me 100x’s or more if I work accusing me of cheating or ignoring him if I can’t answer his calls. This has become my daily ritual.

As I entered my home on that particular evening, as I was approaching my front door, all I could think about was MY BABIES! They DO NOT DESERVE TO SEE THEIR MOM DESTROYED!!!! They are entitled to see me smile. But how could I appear happy and smile, while I was trapped in the midst of his cyclone of abuse that he ravaged upon me? I tried very hard but as they could clearly see, I was broken.

Suddenly, they began to bicker back and forth. A simple childhood tactic that kids often use to gain our attention, but I had nothing left to give. It had been stolen from me by the REAPER. That night as many others he had stole not only MY SMILE, but THEIR SMILE TOO!!!!

SUDDEN AWARENESS!

Again, the reaper stalks me and whispers in my ear “KISS ME”…” I LOVE YOU!” How can he be sooooo oblivious to his destruction. Or does he know exactly what he’s doing? I just didn’t know the answer to that question. I really didn’t know the answer, as he is now wondering and asking me “why I am not behaving in a warm and loving manner?” What do I say? How do I answer that? It’s a trick to ensure more abuse I just knew it. So what do I do…I LOVE YOU BABY! DO YOU WANT ME TO RUB YOUR BACK? IM SURE ITS SORE FROM THE LONG DRIVE.

Who is this person I have become?

THIS ISN’T ME!!!!

I AM BUT A SHADOW OF MY FORMER SELF!!!!

YET, I CANT LET HIM GO, IM SCARED!!!!

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!

I am starting to wonder if I ever will!

All I see that I have done WRONG, is to LOVE HIM!!!! 🙁

It has taken me a long time to even put a label to what is going on, but when I came across this blog I felt as if I might have stumbled across something. So I figured I’d share just a little of what I’ve been going through.

YES…I am still with “THE REAPER” and I am still very scared to leave but I have been trying to educate myself on the subject these days in hopes it will help me move forward. I am so happy to have read all of your stories. It has truly enlightened me and given me some hope that I can do this and I’m not alone. Nor am I all of the horrible things he makes me out to be.

THANK YOU ALL!
Signed,
My Shadow

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Disillusioned June 16, 2015

Am I the only one who really wants to be able to talk to and get an apology and explanation from the guy I loved but who discarded me after seeing someone at the same time? He is a cerebral narcissist, the post on that was really good for me to gain insights, so he has discarded me, told me never to contact him again and because we work together I can’t do so as I am aware of the potential work repercussions if I did, I feel he has silenced me. Made sure I can never get closure, never get answers. Even though I know he lies easily, I would still like to talk and find out why he has behaved the way he did. Did he ever care? Was everything about our interaction a lie? Did he really think so little about me that he can play with my emotions and toss me away without a thought? No contact if it had been my decision would have been ok, and I should have gone no contact as soon as I found out about the other woman but I at the time thought friends might be possible, I’ve never had anyone refuse to talk to me before when all I did was find out about his new woman (who he seems madly in love with and very happy with, how can that be? To be with me and the secrecy because of his wife and kids, and now in a relationship with her and be open and happy. With his wife he is currently divorcing still going round for tea at his house with his children? He seems to have got it all worked out. The only person who is hurting is me. And he punishes me more by not talking to me or giving me any explanation. No contact is so hard when I would like answers, and when I miss him, despite the hot and cold and the lies, I really do miss him.

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Ann April 8, 2015

I have a question maybe someone can help me with. I’m just two weeks into leaving my relationship with a narcissist. I told him I was moving out that it wasn’t healthy for either of us. He told me that would not be good for him and that he loved me. We went to our third counseling sessions. Of course words flew and I told the counselor that we really did need to visit his past and mine to see what we could do to help our relationship. Well after he called me a f*cking liar at the session I opened up about his past and is pot smoking and his drinking. Oh and the third wife I found out about and not because he told me. He got up and left the session ten minutes into it. She asked him to stay and he was angry and left. I’ve tried to leave him before but this time, I think because I told the counselor I was moving out, he finally believed it. When I got home he told me not to speak to him. He then asked me, and told me to be very honest (in his sweet voice) if I was remorseful for telling the counselor about his past. Something tells me that if I would have said yes he would have felt like he was forgiving me but I said no it needed to come out. He became very angry with my answer and told me that if my ex husband (who he accused me of sleeping with, along with my boss, the town manager and the chief of police) showed up to help me move that he would get a restraining order against him. It just got uglier and uglier. LIttle pot shots like you’ll see me around town with my new girlfriend. etc. I slept downstairs in the spare bedroom. He went to work the next morning. I never saw him again. He knew I was moving out at the end of the week. I came home from work the next day (Wednesday) and he was gone, packed up a suitcase. I was scared because his guns were gone too. I was able to find out where he went without his knowing so I was able to confirm that he would not be coming back before I left. I feel like he was running He couldn’t control me so instead of having to live in the house for three more days he left until he knew I would be gone. Can you explain this behavior to me? He went to stay in a hotel in another city where his son, daughter and law and grandchildren live. I had given in a new shirt the week before and it was the only thing left on the bed. All the other clothes I had folded, of his, were put away. So my questions are, was he running when he left? Was he trying to gain control by leaving the house before me? Was the shirt on the bed an immature game? When I Ieft the house I took only what was mine, watered the plants, and made sure everything was put away. I put the garage door opener, the mail box keys and the house key on the counter. NO NOTE NO NOTHING. The first time I ever left him a note when I tried to leave, his response was well this note is no different than all the other notes I’ve received in the past. He also said to me, you don’t know how good you have it here. You will never have it as good as you have it here. They all come back to me. The one thing that keeps popping up in my head is his daughter in law telling me that I was the best thing that ever happened to him because he couldn’t control me. They were so happy because they thought I was the one FINALLY, she told me. Did my leaving show that he couldn’t control me? I need answers to heal. I have always been so strong, but this has really taken its toll on me. This was the boy I was in love with when I was 16. The boy next door. I just can’t wrap my head around any of this. How could he of all people do this to me is where my head is right now. I’m huge on trust and to find that I have been this betrayed and that he actually never even loved me. It’s just too much. Imagine how I would be feeling, as others have before me, if he kicked me out. Thank God I chose to leave him. I think morning a death is easier. I’m hoping to get the answers on this wonderful website.

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    Julie April 12, 2015

    I believe my boyfriend (well, I think he is. Or was.) is a narcissist. Our relationship started oddly… we were neighbors and had an affair. He is 18 years older than I. I got pregnant. Our affair lasted almost four years. During that time I had a son. During the breakup of his marriage he smeared me and even tried to align my ex against me in court. I took him back after his seperation and we have sort of been together since. Some blow ups due to him texting other women and not caring what I think…

    On to my current problem. I am pregnant. He claimed I did it on purpose and would not speak about it for 3 wks. Then wanted my medical records. When I went for my 9 week scan it couldn’t find a heartbeat. I was a mess and he picked me up and drove me around still blaming me. I have another scan tomorrow AM. Anyway, I have not heard from him but only two texts after I berated him for not being there for me. He said he is exhausted and has no words for me. I am so sad and scared. It feels as though someone built a house on me and I can’t breathe. I never answered him. I feel like if I just let it go I will have the power and be able to stay gone.

    Reply
anonymous April 7, 2015

Kim,
I cannot begin to thank you for your work ! Your websites have not only rescued me from narc nightmare but I was able to refer someone I love dearly going through this now. My story is a cautionary tale that No Contact means No Contact for ever and no matter how how many decades go by you can never let them back in. I dated mine briefly in college. He left school without a word and there was no contact. He turned up (fully expecting immediate sex & to pick up where we left off) a couple of years after graduation. Well he got his sex over one weekend reunion (even though my gut told me no) and it was an immediate d & d. He picked up his new supply right in front of me and I have recently learned that he was married with a child at the time. 5 yrs later I was living in a completely different part of country and he turns up ( by coincidence believe it or not sooo creepy) at my place of employment doing business for the day. My immediate gut reaction was to hide ! Thankfully he did not see me. Fast forward 20 years & he contacts me on facebook – BIG mistake accepting friend request. Well, first it’s starts as friendly banter then leads to “remember the good old days and how great our sex was” Next thing you know this F*cker is trying to seduce me into having an affair with him – and I am so ashamed to admit – he almost succeeded ! After all of these years and everything I knew about him. Luckily the mask started to come down and the crazy/cruel behavior started before it went that far. He got mad at me for not being compliant with an outrageous demand and discarded me again – for which I am sooooooo grateful. I have and will not make any attempts to contact him. He is now blocked on FB, land line, and cell. There is no going back, ever. Sometimes with time we can start to forget how horrible they were – never, ever forget !!!

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    Kim Saeed April 14, 2015

    Anon, thank you for sharing your story here. It truly drives home the point that these imposters will come back at ANY TIME (the general exception being the cerebral narcissist). I’m glad you finally got the strength to block him. Hang in there, it often gets worse before it gets better, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep your chin up.

    Reply
Melanie March 19, 2015

My friendship with an N is over after 7 years. She discarded me. she would always tell me that she was afraid that one day that something she told me would get back to her. Well it did but nothing sacred. A woman told me her husband wanted to apply for a job at the N hospital. she is a nurse (scary) and he is a doctor. I told my friend you don’t want him to go there. she hates it and there is a 2 year rule that you can’t work at a hospital that is managed by the same company. she is having a hard time getting a job so you should apply at this hospital where she applied because there are so many openings. This guy leaves a message thinking she is the hospital with all the info I gave her. She doesn’t get the job and flips out on me saying how dare I tell him her personal information and that she is so mad at me and can’t trust me. she called me some really gross words and said I was a meddler with no life. I was like so what does this mean for our friendship. she said I can’t think about that. The day before she was telling me how great I was and what a great friend I was because I talked her out of doing something stupid. How borderline personality. I waited a week for her to call me and then I defriended her on facebook. I have not talked to her since. Its been a month and a half. I can’t believe after 7 years this is how our friendship is going to end. This was a one sided friendship. She called me incessantly to complain about her family, job, life, etc. I could never call her without getting an attitude of what do you want. I was always open to her when she called. We could never go out unless she wanted to and it was at her convenience. I did wonderful favors for her and it seemed that the wonderfulness of it lasted only for that day. The next day it was like I never took her to ER and waited four hours, picked her up from an operation, took her to her doctor or listen to her incessant stories about how she liked this doctor at work and wanted to cheat on her husband who was a devoted sap codependent who knew his wife was not in love with him. She could never do me a favor. she would stress interest to do me a favor but when I asked her for one, it was always a problem. If I ever confronted her on how she made me feel, she would say I was needy and draining. My feelings did not matter. I was constantly apologizing for things that I should not be apologizing for. Even though she was a terrible friend, I missed her. My heart is broken from how could someone treat me this way after I was so good to her. I can’t call her and ask for her forgiveness because I know I will be no better than her sappy husband who puts up with her antics and once again I would be the one groveling. What is your take on this?

I don’t know if she will come back. One thing about her was that she was afraid that all her secrets she told me I would tell others and get back to her eventually. Telling another friend about her difficulties getting a job really upset her to the point that she called me vile names and said that she cannot trust me. I cannot believe how much she overreacted. This to me was not the same thing as telling this woman she wanted to cheat on her husband with a doctor her husband knew. It was crazy. The crazy part is that I would still like to talk to her and make amends since I feel like I did something horrible. You would think all the really good things I did for her would mellow out her anger and she would call me to amend the friendship. She never self reflected and apologize. She was always the victim. She complained about everyone including her kids and how they did not appreciate her. I felt bad for her due to her rough childhood so I overlooked a lot of her behavior. She was brought up by a narcissistic abusive father and a mother who allowed the father to abuse my friend emotionally and physically. I always felt like she played her husband and I since we were the ones that always had her back regardless of how she treat us. She loved the attention we gave her. He is stuck with her because she will never leave him unless she meets someone else. She had no problem telling me about her sex life with her husband even though that was too much information and wanted to cheat on him. She said he was just a body and she needed it like I need a beer. She sounded like a sex addict. It almost seem like she wanted me to get off on her stories of her sexual experiences with her husband. Ewwww. The worst part he knew how she felt about him and stayed with her. She loved that when she would do the silent treatment with her family when they got into fights, they eventually came to her. Sometimes she would go to them. She would always say they always come back. I don’t want her to feel the same way about me. She always talked about how this one thought she was pretty and this one liked her, etc. It was so annoying listening to build up her ego. As you can see I put up with a lot of abnormal behavior. I did not like who I was becoming. I started to get jealous of the attention she gave her family that she complained about to me and me it would always be a problem to make plans even though she would call me all the time to talk about her crappy job or the guy she wanted to be with at her job. She would say this is us hanging out and you are the one that I tell all my secrets too. She made friends with these three Russian ladies but she said it was all superficial and they just did couple things. They are probably smarter than me and if she talked to them the way she talked to me they would get out of there or they are just like her. All I know is that I cannot contact her because it will blow up her ego and make her feel here she is, I got her by the balls. I am also afraid of rejection that this time I finally reached her threshold and she needed a bad act to finally toss me.

I feel like a drug addict. I keep wanting to call her. I ran into her daughter’s best friend this weekend. Of course I had to tell the poor girl the story subconciously hoping that it would get back to the daughter (who I was always kind to) and she would go to her mother and tell her mother she was stupid for letting me go. I probably made myself look pathetic. I keep only remembering the good what little there was of it and not concentrating on the bad. I can’t blame her. I blame myself for the end of the friendship. I keep thinking if I did not tell that woman about her difficult job situation, or not give the woman her number we would not be in a fight. You say she will come back. She will hoover. I have seen none of that. It is almost two months and there is nothing. It is like I am the borderline narcissist and she is the victim. I just can’t get out of my head how I was so good to her and her family and when it came down to weighing out whether or not I should be in her life, she lets this so call bad event dictate anything. It blows me away that this woman would call me 6 times a week and would consult me on everything in her life and can just go cold turkey like that. Who is she complaining to now? Who would have the patience to listen to her like I did? I know it is bad that I want her back. I keep thinking one more chance. I will minimize her significance in my life. I will set up stronger bounderies. I would rather change myself to keep her then lose her. How does someone become like this?

I’m just curious from my description I’m I describing a total narcissist? Was I used? There was no genuine friendship? Do you think she is a borderline with narcissistic qualities? I’m just try to understand what happen. Please respond to both my posts and let me know. I am having such a hard time moving on. Please give me some advice that will make the switch in my head turn off to her and make me realize she was no good for me.

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Z March 15, 2015

Hello..
I’d like to thank you for this website – it’s contents have definitely helped me to open my eyes and become aware of the term ‘narcissism’.. I’ve been in a toxic relationship for over 11 years now. He was basically my ‘first love’! we eventually got married, and divorced, then married again, and divorced, yet again! we were married for almost 3 years (on and off during that period) and endured so many of his silent treatments. and even after the divorce, we kept going back together several times, and breaking up, and back again, etc. for another 3 years.. until today.. almost a year ago, while we were tying to work on things, we got into one of our usual fights, and he decided he couldn’t take it anymore – couldn’t take my verbal abuse (which I admit to, and know was wrong – but he manages to bring out the worst in me and provokes me like there’s no tomorrow – but also, worth noting that his verbal abuse is even worse when we fight). it was like he was waiting for an excuse to walk out – and he did, despite me trying to run after him and call him demanding an explanation. he asked me to leave him in peace. which I did. and I tried to move on with my life – you would imagine how difficult and almost impossible this was for me – I died almost every day – cried my eye balls out every day and night, and would even stalk him through so many ways. I met another, and tried to move on, and so did he (with the same girl I had my doubts on while we were together). I knew my new relationship was more of a rebound (which shouldn’t have happened), but ultimately, we both ended it on good terms as we felt it wasn’t going anywhere.. and then I hear news about my ex – being single again. but I still held my ground and didn’t initiate any contact whatsoever. and that’s when I met another person who I felt kinda good towards, and with.. he was the only guy I felt such emotions for, after my ex.. and when I decided to give him a chance, my ex found out and hovered his way back into my life… I was torn between them – while it was great to have my ex back at my doorstep begging me to give him a chance and believing his words about him changing and wanting to have a future with me and only me, and cant get married to anyone cuz he only loves me and wants me back and realizes he had taken me for granted all these years – there was an inner feeling and voice in me that was screaming begging me not to fall for it. but obviously, with him being my true and only love, I decided to blow the new guy off and give my ex yet another chance. and it was great – the first few months were nothing less than a honeymoon period! although we did get into fights now and then, but it would mostly be my fault, as I would keep bringing up the past and how he hurt me. days went by, and our fights increased, and the abuse increased as well – both verbal and physical – from both sides. the physical abuse got worse than before that I had to go to the emergency at one point and had a CT scan done for several blows that he caused. (I will have to admit though, that during our fights, and when I go into one of these crazy rages, I would start by pushing him – something which I still feel guilty about as he blames me for him laying a hand on me, since I had started it).more days went by, and more fights continued, until one day he decided, yet again, that he couldn’t continue and broke it off with me, again. and as you would guess, implemented yet another one of his silent treatments for 2 weeks! until I obviously broke and gave in, and ended up calling him. fights continued, and I tried to give him more chances to work things out, but he kept blowing them off one after the other. until I decided I couldn’t take this treatment anymore, nor any of his silent treatments, and decided to walk away.. (what also helped me is getting some attention from friends, and guys and helped to restore my self confidence)I haven’t gone into a relationship with anyone – but these distractions are helping me stand my grounds. but this only pissed him off even more, and now having him run after me, and trying to get me back, but not in a remorseful kinda way – in a very angry way demanding me to give him attention and demanding an explanation as to why I have withdrawn and stopped contacting him or giving him attention. he, as always and usual, attributes my behavior and attitude towards him now to another ‘potential’ that I might be exploring while putting him ‘on the side’. he’s always been accusing of me, and calling me horrible degrading names such as “wh**re or sl**”, etc. and accusing me of having affairs left right and center. he still tries to call every day, demanding an answer from me on whether I want to work things out or no – as much I wanted to – I just do not feel the remorse in his tone, which helps me to keep pushing him away. he tried to threaten, and if that doesn’t work, he tries to get me back my planning a trip or our future together now that he;s getting a new job out of the country, and if that doesn’t work, he gets more angry and more abusive and yells, or swears or even gets physical or throws tantrums in private and public. he tries to make me feel guilty by telling me how he’s been running after me for a month now, and ive been the one pushing him away and not wanting this relationship. until last night, when he demanded a final answer, and I kinda made it clear to him that I do not have faith in us anymore and cannot continuem despite my love for him, and the fact that I will break down knowing I might have lost him – but I just cannt find it in my heart to continue in this relationship anymore. and that was it. but now, as you might imagine, guilt is starting to get the best of me, and contemplating whether this was the right decision I have taken or not!
I apologize for the long message – but ive always wanted to write – but kept delaying it – until I just feel I had to write something today.
would really appreciate any advise to help me through this period – or to even let me know whether it was the right decision I had taken or not.
thank you once again!
Z

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    Isa August 21, 2015

    It was the best decision you ever made! Stay strong. These men are dangerous.

    Reply
Dylan March 14, 2015

The break up with my ex narc was my idea. After months of fighting over seemingly petty things I started to realize that he had not been there for me for some huge milestones in my life, all the while I was helping write his papers for school, being his maid, mother, ego stroker and more. The final straw was when my Uncle passed away recently. N was already in one of his strange depressive funks but he was emotionally unavailable to me, he even picked a fight with me about something inconsequential. When I returned from the funeral he punished me for not asking him to go with me, because it was clearly all about him. The process of breaking up with him was the most confusing, painful and psychotic thing I have ever experienced. I had panic attacks that made me feel like I had eaten a bad batch of drugs. I couldn’t eat or sleep for a couple weeks and he was harassing me via text, phone and even tried to reconcile by coming to my friends house with flowers. However, I was not there and when he found out he went back to attacking me through any means possible. After being away for two months and moving out and getting my new apartment the loneliness began to consume me and then I found out he had a girlfriend, AND she works in my building. I started having second thoughts that maybe we could make it work, I called him and told him I was willing to flip my life upside down to be with him again and that j made a mistake. He sounded so rattled and said he had to go. But he didn’t get back to me so I called him again. He said he had told his new gf about me and she wasnt happy that we were still communicating. I tried to plea my case again and he said he would think about it. The next day I sent him an email pouring my heart out and putting everything on the line, again. Later that night (last night to be specific) I found out he asked this woman to marry him, and she had posted a picture of the engagement ring on her hand and said the love of her life jut asked her to marry him. We haven’t even been broken up 2 months…I am so gut wrenched and angry and depressed all at the same time. I don’t any to be a participant in life and I feel like she is getting the illusion that I dreampt we could have together. Although everyone else is telling me that this too will fail and he will leave more wreckage In his wake and that I don’t really want to go back into that. It’s hard to believe how miserable I was because I see him so happy with someone else, and I feel like she is getting what I wanted all along. We were together almost a year, and he proposes to her and they haven’t even been together a full two months. I felt like it was malicious and out of spite that he did this. He said he would think about it and then proposes to someone else. What kind of sick sadistic person does such things? Probably a narcissist. I endure a veritable emotional roller-coaster in hell every day and I am even going to therapy. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and I am so lost in depression. This man was my life and now he has ripped the ground out beneath my feet. I am trying to heal and it just feels like I will never be happy again.

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    Ann April 8, 2015

    This site is so helpful. Mine was the boy next door and we reconnected 40 years later. I had just left my husband of 33 years, but not for the narcissist. My ex husband was the one that rescued me. Drove five hours to get me and five hours back the same day. I cried wolf so many times to my family and my ex that I knew they wouldn’t believe me if I didn’t follow through this last time. My narcissist wanted to marry me too. Then it got to the point where I couldn’t do anything right. I left him and have had no contact. Don’t react to any of it. Don’t let him know that you care about the proposal Do as I started doing, pray for the next relationship he is going to have because if she’s not as strong as you were, and you will be again, it could be a blood bath. I’m so strong and if you saw me today you wouldn’t believe a word of that. I just wish I could get him out of my head. He told me he had been looking for me for years. He didn’t know if I was dead or alive. I was called every name in the book. When I came back from spending Christmas Eve with my adult children (the first Christmas since the divorce) I told my Narcissist that I was checking out at 5:30 on Christmas Eve and I would be there to be with him as soon as possible on Christmas morning. When I arrived home he proceeded to scream at me for 8 hours. Now that I think about it, every holiday with him as been ruined. This last Christmas I was excited to have him open a particular package first. He started a fight calling me a control freak just because I wanted him to open a certain package. We should be elated that we are out of these relationships. I’ve been on hundreds of sites since leaving, and I left a wonderful job as well. Every site says the same thing NO CONTACT. Yes it is easier said than done. But it’s the only way to bring yourself back. Pray for the girl that is coming into his life after you. You know what happened to you and how you’re feeling now. And if you can, pray for him, for what we put out there comes back to us the same way. I hope this helps. It’s helped me just writing to you. Unfortunately we can’t heal fast enough because we have to heal from the inside out. I’m also praying for inner peace.

    Reply

    Dylan, y ex N did exactly that you said to me, the only thing is that i left him, and he started dating a girl two weeks later, then she got pregant and proposed, then before his weding he called me and asked me to run away together i said NO, but then when i saw the weeding pics and all their happines i just dont want to live anymore, i always asked my self why he proposed her and not me? because she is younger and thin? why?….

    Then a year later he called me, and tell me that still love me that he is not with his wife anymore, but that was a lie so i called his wife and tell her everything about him and all his life… to make it shorter…

    He came back after a marriage, after having a son, and cofess me that he married because wanna hurt me because i left him… because he cant stand to be alone… not because he love her…

    So remember, he will come back sooner or later, but it will be just because his new partner cant tolerate his bull shit anymore, because he abuses her as abuses you, but she is smarter to say NO MORE… i understand your feelings because i be there… i recomed you, yes to cry, feel sad… i was on rehab because him after his wedding about my depression, and after all these years, i think that he didnt worth any of my tears, he is just a soulless evil who just wants your energy, money, attention, sex, time in exchange of betrayal and fake love…

    He will not be happy with anyone… all his life is a fake life, he uses people like things and dont care to destroy lives even the innocent ones like their children, N uses to have lot of unatended children…

    So stay strong, you deserve better… and be prepared to his return

    Reply
    Talcarey September 22, 2016

    This made me. Feel sad for you i hope you got over it

    Reply
Anonymous March 13, 2015

After 4 years of being played, used, disregarded…..I found the strength to walk away. I’ve researched narcissist behavior for several years, and have experienced many outbreaks with his behavior. I won’t go into details. But when he realized that I was no longer available and stopped contact with him, he did what I can’t wrap my mind around. He came banging on my door, but I wouldn’t answer. Therefore, he began to call my friends and tell them that I had hung myself! With all the literature I’ve read, I never expected him to react and say such a lie. What it did though, was give me the extra strength to move on with my life.

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    Kim Saeed March 13, 2015

    I had a similar situation happen to me, Someone. It’s embarrassing, but as you said, it gave you a clearer picture of just how disturbed your Ex is. Best of luck on your healing journey, and thank you for sharing.

    Reply
anonymous March 11, 2015

I can move on. New girl friends I don’t think about and really I am totally aware more than ever so the games and following me via others etc makes me laugh as they have no idea I know what’s going on. Be in control of you and as I do just live. I’d rather be happy and single than spending my time trying to destroy the life of someone else. Makes me dislike them more. They’ve always got a motive. We’re always to blame. Real people move on and if they have no respect for themselves they’ll certainly not have respect for us.

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Anonymous March 11, 2015

I just want to shake him off, but it seems impossible. His revenge on making me depressing and on ruining my reputation never ends. I broke up with him a month ago, and by reading the post, I kind of understand the reason he is coming after me, though it seems like nothing much the victims can do to counter the narc ex. If he is preying for power and self-esteem, I hope the damages he has done to me are good enough to “satisfy” him. I also hope that the absolute NC tactic works – like my therapist said, without any contact and respond, he was actually punching to the air and he would be tired and bored eventually. Though it is still stressful. Not because of he trying to make me believe who he thinks I am, but the fact that he has tons of times to play the game and what would happen next really bother me. He surely knows me well. It is very difficult to stop the anxiety.

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Anonymous February 21, 2015

Just wanted to say to those who might think that their narc has all the characteristics except the sexual promiscuity…

I was fooled. I gradually realized that though his ex didn’t have sex with him for years, he had been using Cialis, had a penis pump, and got butt injections to make up for his barely there butt. I suspect he kept porn on flash drives, and I’m not sure they were all adult porn. He encouraged his preadolescent children to go around nude in the house and bathe and sleep together. He had a video camera pointed at the bed in the dining room he had them sleep on. He had secret email accounts and always had an incognito windo open behind the one he let me see him on, sometimes very nervous if I sat down at that computer and was looking something up for him on the window he left showing. He had almost no sex skill. He knew one position, the one he thought made him feel big and go in the farthest, and he narrated how big he was and how far he went in. He knew nothing about foreplay, as though no one had ever required it of him. He had a very specific way he wanted a blow job, and it sounded as though it was based on him using a device to make him bigger, not on relationships. I saw no porn in the house directly, but he got to the point where he’d lose control almost whenever there was a young women or a tight-panted woman around. Mind you, I’m considered gorgeous, but he would have to walk ahead and check his crotch if a young woman walked past. He would go down the wrong aisle in the store if there was a hot teenager there. He was vain though very funny looking due to his manner of dress. Extremely insecure but cocky. One day, his forgotten cell phone rang and I looked up the number. It was to a “casual sex” site where every women had four numbers, some toll free. You had to register and give your contact information to get lists of “the horniest women,” which I think meant the prostitutes who most needed business. Though he looked clean healthwise and inexperienced, he clearly had history of chasing lots of women and of at least exploring prostitution. He was so cheap and has a well paid public government agency attorney job, so it’s possible he never used a prostitute, but I would put absolutely nothing past him.

I just want you women to realize that these losers can hide things really well. He was constantly unnerved when I noticed things, but I learned quickly not to tell him what I knew as he would get more abusive. My recommendation is to have no sexual contact, admit you know nothing, fake being sick or exagerrate your known ailments to get out of sex, don’t share towels or glasses or kiss him, keep your kids from him as much as possible, get out, and never, ever go back for any reason.

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    Kim Saeed February 22, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Anon. A perfect example of how they can hide their very deep secrets for years on end.

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Christine February 20, 2015

20 years of hell. i know them all. im gonna start my life over now at the age of 40.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Christine, I recently turned 44, and I’ve never been happier in my life after having healed from Narcissistic abuse. It’s never too late to be happy <3

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Anonymous February 19, 2015

They will live with a very low self-esteem for the rest of their lives when I can definitely move on and live a healthy life. They will infiltrate your family and friends because they can’t possibly be seen as the one with an issue. But after 18 months they will begin to appear the one with an issue as people begin to question him and why someone has to continue way after it has all finished and question his story. They will give a story and try to appear an upstanding individual but any sane person has no need to do this. These actions I believe are ways to try and keep tabs on you by using others, Hoping you’ll mess up so his stories ring true. They will continue months after the relationship has finished and will still try to continue the story to have people believe that she is the crazy woman he lived with.
Finding other woman that can relate will be a help and having this understanding is a help in moving forward to building a healthy life.

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Holly M Colino February 11, 2015

In reality, all types of people at various levels of obtained self actualization and gained wisdom, may go back to an ex and try again or at least seek a closure. Sometimes it’s necessary trial and error for the human growth and development.

It takes much trial and error, along with gaining wisdom and experience, to redefine and solidify boundaries and self worth.

Please keep in mind perspective! I witness these labels getting passed around too much. If you feel inferior anyone is a narcissist, for example. If you are hypersensitive, many will have no remorse and empathy, for example.

I have been able to gain information from the perspective of the ones acting on the calculated smears. All these bully labels from psychology are used just as that, smears.

Every definition of this fantasy icon has no causation. There is no defect or significant physical detected imbalance in the human anatomy, for these fantasy icons. Everyone has their own variation. The descriptions are ambiguous, open to confirmation bias and impression. There is no causation or existing defect to even create a logical grouping of symptoms. The ‘symptoms’ are also being assumed based off bias impression of what one alleges someone did. The ‘symptoms’ are ambiguous criteria derived from a persons impression.

Actually, it is only the victims or patients, so to speak, that list the signature and very specific traits and MO’s of these types. You can asses David Parker Ray’s psych brainwash manual, as a start. Many of these types, are ‘counselors’. There is a reason why the ‘counselors’ fail to expose the MO’s and signature traits, along with adding vague and ambiguous ‘symptoms’ that can even be applied to the victim or people who are not these types.

Again, they are the types that are fixated on what things appear to be. As long as something appears to be something, all is ok. Truth and reality does not matter, it’s what things appear to be.

“It will appear the she/he is ‘mentally unstable” but really it was me that took advantage of their vulnerability and if they keep taking those pills they will be an entire object that represents me. I can also use that object after my ‘treatment’ really sets in, and write about them as if I am the competent god of the mind, and get more status gain”.-nurser of the mind.

These types gain sense of control by controlling others with emotions and private sensitive knowledge about them. Approval and other mind games are a big lever for them. They are more passive and patient with their MO’s. (Slow, steady, prolonged-passive, secretive, well planned) They gain the levers and control through talking and or counseling. They tend to keep it like a secret control. They like little secrets and like you to ‘read in between the lines, so to speak. The most deceptive of these types are woman, as they have more orbital frontal lobe tissue to modulate amygdala, way less testosterone and don’t have the same alpha male drives as men. Pity and sympathy tends to be more assumed, with woman and less suspicious. Most of our serious male killer tortures, were seriously brainwashed and dictated by their mother. The Gaines case is one of many examples. Gaines was a ‘patient’ vehicle of his mother.

Although, men do this too.

What your likely dealing with is arrested development which is usually at a cut off between 10-15 and your more grown, practiced, calculating and more methodical middle school bully.

I think the label (sociopath, bipolar etc.) becomes a problem. They get smeared on just about anyone.

The MO is the signature and cannot be ‘slapped’ on anyone. Gas-lighting is too vague, as the real victim will accuse the perpetrator of the many things. Therefore, ‘accuse accuse accuse’.

In reality the smear effect is primarily what you imagine is happening from it. In reality, in many cases people will pass gossip about you and you don’t know. It’s the same thing but you know. Only one who confirms is at the level and they still know their insecurity and or cowardice aided confirmation bias. Any followers are a free extermination.

Be grateful !

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Kai January 27, 2015

Hello,

I was left confused and hurt by my narcissist. He was a minister, yet used very foul language with me and said a lot of hurtful things to me. He would talk about how great his past relationships were, which left me asking him why was he even with me, and then he said “I only talk about the good things to be positive”. I found myself apologizing for things that I know I hadn’t even done, but just wanting to keep the peace. The night he broke up with me, I had just ran him a bath with bubbles and provided him a nice drink. All of a sudden later that evening he accused me of being insecure and not trusting of him because of my past relationships and dumped me right there on the spot. But what took the cake, was he still stayed at my house and slept like a baby in MY bed. I could never disrespect someone and then stay in their house. I just got my things from him yesterday. Although it’s typical of Narcissist to come back, I don’t believe he will because he has and endless supply, whether it be from his congregation or other women that he’s dealt with in the past. Now I’m trying to figure out why I attract men like that.

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    Christine February 20, 2015

    because you are a codependent. go search back into early childhood and the family you grew up in…..this is a very lonely search and heart wretching. God Bless you.

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Niki January 24, 2015

Dear Kim, your words right now are my medicine. I left my ex boyfriend 3 months ago, after 2 years of living together, because he started dating the sister of one of his friends. Neither she nor I knew anything but one week after they first met and I found out about their 3 dates I confronted him and he was so upset whether I contacted her etc etc that really hurt me. He even suggested staying friends but I gathered my stuff and moved out his house and 2 weeks after also his country. 3 months after, meaning now, I learned that he has been engaged to this girl and I am shocked. He was always flirting with other women but I put up with it because in the end he stopped talking to them, I guess he is really a difficult character, and to be honest I thought he was just a hurt, insecure little boy (his ex cheated on him). But reading your articles I totally recognize his behavior and our relationship and I am embarrassed that I let my self esteem hit bottom within this 2 years.
I am just afraid that the new girl (she is 26, he is 30 and I am 36) might get the love and respect I never had. I have been in love, I have my heart broken up but with him, It feels really sick cause I was always defending to my guts and HIS family that he is the nice guy. He really made me believe he was the sensitive good man because when he did something wrong, afterwards he was always CRYING (although not even once actually saying I am sorry).

Thank you for your useful posts,

THE STUPID SENTIMENTAL ME

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    Anonymous December 12, 2015

    Wow….reading through these comments makes me realize the wide scope of narcissism. My ex is similar to this, he puts on a mask that he is a sweet, sensitive caring guy but the real him is a vengeful, hateful, and insecure monster. He also texted and messaged multiple women, always claiming that he was “just flirting”. But would turn around and accuse me of liking another man if they wrote me on social media or liked my photos. He also cried without actually saying he was sorry, sometimes he apologized but always had an excuse or “but” attached to it. The sweet man I knew back in high school who wrote me love letters, made me handmade birthday cards, no longer exists. When I became pregnant with our son, He began putting his hands on me and talking to other women. When I would confront him, he would hurl verbal abuse at me, try to prevent me from leaving, and then depending on how severe my “offense” was, either give me the silent treatment for a few days or give me an empty apology. He would be angriest when he felt criticized or thought that I was leaving him. He could go from “I NEED you, please don’t leave me” to “youre a worthless bitch. Get the eff out of my house” and pushing me and pulling my hair in the span of a day.

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Anonymous January 8, 2015

Thanks again guys u really helped me.Now i understand everything.I MOVED OUT OF HIS PLACE HE DID’NT EVEN BOTHER TO ASK WHEN HE FIND ME GONE.

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Ken December 28, 2014

Kim: this was a good article. I ‘left’: I cut off my NPD sis a while back and three years down the line the revenge tactics are simply extraordinary. If you put her actions in a novel they would not be believed. For example, there is an old friend of mine, whom she never liked as a teenager, whom I have known since age 11. Well, she has now got in touch with him through facebook and brought him into her campaign; she had not even laid eyes on him since 1992 and now they are wonderful lifelong friends! One of the aims is to make me appear emotionally unstable. Most upsetting of all, he has gone along with her unbelievably, accuses me of being the one in the wrong, and so 30 years of friendship have gone down the drain. You do learn who your friends are in these situations. Any thoughts? I don’t want to give her the satisfaction of fighting or defending myself.

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God's girl December 17, 2014

Thank you for this, and especially the last comment about making the choice and everything falling into place. I really needed to hear that. I really did.

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    You’re very welcome, God’s girl. I truly hope you will have a different 2015 🙂

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Anonymous November 11, 2014

I live in Namibia on the African continent. I am struggling to recover from a relationship with a narsisist. Thanks so much for all your advise. It means a lot to me. Please keep it up!

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Racquel November 7, 2014

Hello. I guess you can say I’m a newbie of one day. I don’t really know where to start or what to say. I have been confiding in my coworker about my lows a while now. Telling her the things I go through and how he acts. One day he can be so happy then the next day I’m walking on eggshells by a look. On yesterday she said the word Narcissitic and I looked it up. I was in tears at my desk. I felt like it was me in those articles. What has brought me to my leaving is because how he is treating me from 1500 miles away. He left for a new job to return in December. After he left he found out I was talking to another male. I have never met the man. I met him on facebook, he lives in new orleans and I live in MS. This man was nice to me and I would ask him questions about relationships. I would ask him about things that I felt a man should do for and with his woman to see if I was being crazy about the things I was not getting at home. This only lasted about a week of me talking to the man because I knew my fiance would not approve of a man friend. My fiance found out about it and he is treating me like I slept with the man, like I met him. Two years ago his ex found him on facebook and they talked for months. He even went out of town and met up with her, she had pics on her page of them together. He says nothing happend between them but when I called her out the blue from his phone she was very upset and said not to ask her questions ASK YOUR MAN is what she said and hung up and sent nasty messages to his phone. I said all that to say He has talked to another female in the past so why is it so hard for him to forgive me? Every day its a constant battle with him. Even before this incident I would express to him I’m always giving and giving with nothing in return. When it comes cleaning, cooking, sex, him finally working, the kids, catering to him. Just everything! I told him yesterday that I’m tired and I don’t want nothing from him and for him to be happy. He responded with asking me what did I dont want anything from him. I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. I was to tired, and drunk to respond. A bad habit that I have picked up in the last two years. I just wanna heal.

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AMS October 28, 2014

One of my closest friends, is in a relationship with someone who exhibits NPD. I have been there for her and whatever she decides to do, I will always remain there for her.I myself was once involved, married to someone with NPD and I went through pure hell, up until his death, 12 years after left him! Things did get better, well…he did slow down calling and sending letters as much, when he got him another means of supply.So, I know what it’s like, not to have anyone in the corner with you..no support. I will not do my friend like I was done by so many.Those closest to me and to him..never even made any attempt to help me realize, that I was not at fault. Support, someone to talk to…means so much to someone in need. I feel as though, she might not ever leave him..she’s truly afraid. She lives on one side of the house, he on the other. She is the one who pays all the bills, buys all the grocery…does it all. He’s a crackhead, literally a crackhead. He’s been on it since the 80’s, I don’t see him stopping anytime soon. He always finds a way to pay for his drugs, but not any bills.
He was hurt recently, put in the hospital. He made her stay with him, the entire 2 weeks he was there! She had to baby him during the whole thing. one of the nurses witnessed some of the abuse he dishes out to her, she reported it to the hospital social worker. The social worker comes to the room, speaks with her in private about her concerns of reported abuse.My friend, well…she didn’t deny, but she didn’t admit the abuse. She made excuses for his behavior”he’s a jerk sometimes”, ‘he’s got his ways” ‘he’s scared to be here by himself, in the big old hospital!” He never found out about that little visit, she made out they were speaking about getting him home health when he was to leave the hospital.I even witnessed his abuse to her, at the hospital while visiting. He was a complete ass to her, we all left very mad at him and feeling so sorry for her. She continued to make excuses, even for that.there are, nor was…there an excuse for that type of behavior! Nor is there any excuse as to why I would ever not be her friend, even if she does stay!
My situation was much, much more violent and abusive. I was beaten, raped and assaulted on a regular basis.I also had no rights to any funds, he controlled everything. She, she has money. She might spend alot on him, but she still has her own money…that means alot. She also has no small children, being raised around him either, I did.The facts still remain the same though, abuse is abuse..no matter what ‘level’ is being used, or what kind. I just will never leave her forsaken, by herself…I will always be there, to let her know, it’s not her fault, she is not to blame for his behavior.

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TAGyourIT August 16, 2014

I believe that I have been in a 7 month relationship with an N. I have been all over the internet doing research about NPD with the intention that I can find alternative info that would prove that was NOT the case, but so far there are too many descriptions, outlines and characteristics that match… walks like a duck, talks like a duck…

In the beginning, he ‘love-bombed’ me. Told me he wanted a relationship, thought I was sooo amazing and told me all the time how much he appreciated me, etc. Then one day about 6 weeks into it, he put a pic of him and a co-worker (she was a beautiful stripper with her arms around him) on his FB page about 2 months into it, and I felt disrespected, so I broke up with him. The very next evening there was a pic of him and this girl from his work at a bar and lipstick (from her) all over his face. He had announced several weeks before at a party that he wanted to f*** this girl. So he did – and I couldn’t say anything because we were ‘broken up’. Then I wrote him a letter about the issues I thought he had and that we had the ingredients for a great relationship, blah blah.

He of course contacted me after he received the letter and I let him back in. He told me first that he hadn’t slept with her but then a week later he admitted to me that he slept with that girl but that it wasn’t ‘good’ and she wasn’t worth the experience. She promptly quit working at the place they both worked at so she was gone – he assured me that she was out of his life. After that, I again left and blew him off for about 3 weeks, but stayed ‘friends’ on FB to see what he was up to as well as post that I am going on with my life – but still attached to him, hoping that it might be possible to still see him. Also during this time, I read on his FB page that he was still in contact with his ex-girlfriend and through postings they both did, it was obvious that they were seeing each other again.

About three weeks later I get a FB messenger out of the blue from the N, that said, ‘miss you’. (not original for N’s – so I have read). Of course I call him and we ‘resume the position’. This time for several months. He introduced me to his kids – which was a big deal – since he didn’t let other girlfriends into his life like that. He took me to meet some of his friends, who thought I was an awesome match for him (they said so), and he spent EVERY night at my house for about 3.5 months. Each night we would hang out and talk on my porch and every morning we would have coffee before we both went to work. He would say ‘I will see you soon’ and yet he always came over. He never committed to any ‘plans’ (times/days/places) – or rarely he would.

I began to notice that all the conversations were about him and his life/perspectives/events. He didn’t show much interest in me and my life – which is non unusual for N’s.

One of the things that he mentioned when we were first seeing each other is that he wasn’t ‘doing’ that ‘thing’ anymore and he noticed that about himself. The ‘thing’ he wasn’t ‘doing’ was looking for supply. He mentioned that he always engaged people – usually attractive young females – at Starbucks, car wash, grocery store – anywhere he would go, and that being with me (in the beginning) he noticed himself NOT doing that and he was happy about it. He said I was his ‘source’ – weird – but I did not accept that and reminded him that God/Life/Spirit was his source and mine, too – not him.

As the relationship continued, he began to do that more and more. We went to a concert and he was ogling other women (that didn’t seem as attractive as me – although that is subjective), but he would say stuff like “if she was my roommate, I would have to f*** her”, but I wouldn’t do that with his current roommate. He would look at women everywhere we went and make comments like “there was heat coming off that one”, and he told me he bought the girl at the car wash a tea from Starbucks, although she was young, he had ‘motives’ for doing that. I am guessing that was an example of ‘supply’ – flirting, overvaluing, and taking it in as he is omnipotent. He was overly interested in his friends having other friends that he would neglect our plans and want to go over to his friends house to make sure he wasn’t left out of the ‘circle’ and to show his grandiose story telling skills to take the center stage and act his best story – and ignore me mostly while performing.

He mentioned to me several times in a random pattern – gas-lighting – that he engages other women, but I wouldn’t be there (at the location he was at) when he did that ‘behavior’. Then he started to ignore me in conversations – like there would be the 4 of us at dinner, and he would deliberately start talking to the other two people and completely cut me out of the conversation, and the other two people noticed it and would look at me like why isn’t he including you in this? I began to notice these things that made it seem that he didn’t care or that I wasn’t important – which I now know is the truth. I am firmly in the ‘devaluation’ stage, now.

He would express (verbally illustrate) his fantasies to me – he really thought that he would meet someone, fall in love and have a baby. He is 44 – prob not likely. Or he would make all this money and his life would be like a music video – drugs, whores, and anything he wanted. He did acknowledge they were fantasies, but somehow not really believing they were NOT real or a potential reality. He was always talking to me about how I wouldn’t accept his ‘weirdness’ like he would pick things out of the trash to eat because it wasn’t really ‘expired’. Or that he liked to ‘prep’ with guns and ammunition for an apocalypse of some kind and that I would judge him for that – which I didn’t judge him for any of this. He always said I was more ‘evolved’ than he was – which I never agreed with him on that since I don’t believe that anyone is higher/lower than anyone else. He also mentioned that he thought I would be the one he would regret not having a relationship with 10 – 12 years from now – like he was planning on it not working out – which I now know is the truth. He told me he wanted to live with me and then months after he said that, he said he did NOT want to live with me, but didn’t give me a reason, he just changed his mind. He always mentioned bringing underwear/socks over and never did follow through on that. Lot’s of promises, no delivery. What he said and what he did – didn’t match way way way more than when he actually did what he said he was going to do.

On the evening before we broke up, he was going to a reunion and the event lasted all weekend, he asked if he could just go by himself on the Friday night to catch up with these folks and that I not go – of course that was fine with me since we were going to the event together on Sat night. He said that he would come over after or call me to pick him up since he thought he might not be sober to drive – he mentioned this to me several times that day. That evening, he didn’t call/text and I fell asleep – woke up at 3:30a, and texted him, then called – nothing. I was so upset – feeling blown off and disrespected – duh! Then I called him again at 8:30a and he answered and was home doing laundry – la la la, not really caring about me and how I might of been upset – jeez, now I get why he acted like that. In that moment, I couldn’t believe he was so nonchalant. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was upset that he blew me off – having given me the expectation that I was going to see him or hear from him the night before and then he lied and told me his phone died, which I knew was not the truth since I called and it rang and rand then went to VM. When I confronted him, he denied blowing me off and than said he couldn’t deal with this right now. I pushed the issue and than said, “do you still want to be with me?” and he said, no. I asked if that was the truth, and he said, yes – and I said, “and so it is” – he told me to take care of myself and then hung up.

I WAS DEVASTATED! Completely rendered inoperable – right in that moment. I was so confused, angry, in disbelief. I was gonna die. OMG. How could he have just done that? I can’t ever recall having that type of experience, EVER. But, I was having it now – I tell ya! What was I going to do now, was the question I didn’t even want to face, however, I had no choice, now. Gig was up! I had been discarded, without warning, without compromise, damn!

I called him on the following Monday morning – of course he didn’t answer and I left a non-emotional message where I apologized for ‘pushing’ on him, hoped he was having a good day and said I hoped to talk to him soon. Didn’t hear back – shocker! I am now the recipient of the dreaded ‘Silent Treatment’. Oh, my goodness – that sucked! Two days prior to the breakup, he was telling me how grateful he was that I was in his life, the sex was amazing and frequent. We had felt close (as close as I ‘thought’ we were), and all was well – at least I had convinced myself it was to keep him coming over and being with me, because I was addicted to him – that is the truth (in hindsight). We had become a pattern, which I thought was pretty cool, however I read that N’s get bored, which is highly likely I am guessing. I caught him trolling on FB also and knew he was ‘shopping’ for the next one about a week before the breakup also, I did mention it to him and he of course, denied it/lied… Typical behavior at this point.

He had left a very expensive piece of equip at my house that he made clear wasn’t a gift when he brought it over a few weeks back, that it was his. So a week after I called and apologized, I had left town for a few days, had a birthday he totally didn’t acknowledge (again, shocker!) he still had not attempted to make contact – nor did I. During this time, I still had open avenues of communication – phone/FB to see if he would reach out to me – which I really really wanted him to, at that time, I was having withdrawals and it was excruciatingly painful – just sayin’. I would of given anything to be someone else for a while – being me was difficult since I no longer knew who I was – if you know what I mean. He didn’t try at all to contact me, it was clear that I no longer existed as far as he was concerned – ugh, that hurt when I thought that thought, felt like I had been socked in the gut by a prize fighter – over and over.

A week after the breakup (I still had no contact with him) I recognize that this piece of equip was was still at my house, and he had the key to my house as well, so I am guessing that we would have to meet up and exchange items – pretty important ones at that. As I said, he had made no attempt to contact me to recover it or anything and it had been 10 days after the breakup. It dawned on me that he hadn’t tried to arrange to exchange items to keep something important at my place would give him a reason to reach out to me – when he decided to, when he was done pouting, or when the new source of supply gets put on the back burner – an item of ‘control’ in any case.

I called my friend/landlord who is also his friend – the one that I met this N through, and asked him if he would reach out to the N and make arrangements for him to return the expensive item and get the key (since it was to his property anyway), and he was happy to help. He called the N and told him I had brought the item over to his house to exchange for the key and N said the item was all he cared about anyway, that we were “off and on” when asked about why we broke up, and that he would call back the friend/landlord to make arrangements at a later time to make the exchange. He didn’t call for many days and I was getting a little freaked that this N had the key to my house, but I wasn’t afraid, I didn’t think I was in danger, but I did have to call the landlord 10 days later and inquire if he heard from the N to exchange stuff, which he hadn’t, so he contacted the N again, and then they finally made the exchange. When the friend/landlord texted me it was done, I felt one step closer to the possibility that I could let this go and move on.

The day I took his stuff to my friend/landlord, I went NC. I blocked him on FB and blocked his number from my phone. I also had a friend change my password to my FB account so I couldn’t log in and find info that I truly don’t want to know about him, it would just compound my grief and delay the process of healing this stuff. I have been non-FB for almost 30 days now, and I kind of like not being distracted by it, so I am going to go another 30 days or longer, maybe? I have peace knowing that I can’t see him/he can’t reach out to me so I don’t look at my phone anymore like I did when I was always waiting for his precious call/text that he was coming over. I deleted all his texts and voicemails, and pics off my phone. He has been erased – to the best of my ability.

Now what am I going through in the privacy of my own skull? HELL. I am not going to lie, it has been painful, confusing, heart wrenching, down right horrible. I can’t stop thinking about him, the really good times we had, what if I was wrong, I want to see him, why did he not love me back, all that type of thinking.

I started doing research online and came across a multitude of info on NPD and he matches too much of the description/characteristics/circumstances to NOT be that. I can’t find evidence to the contrary which is a bummer – anyway – I am 30 days now not in contact (NC) with him and I guess things are getting ‘lighter’ little by little each day in the way that I am more committed to moving on than hanging on. Any time I want to N-dip, I google things about how NC and ignoring him is (maybe – I hope so) bugging him in some way. So I feel like I am ‘winning’ for me and that I can go one more day holding my ground and work toward being N-free in my mind and in my current life experience. I am determined to heal through this, come out like the butterfly from the cocoon. I think the juice is worth the squeeze – or so I have read.

I realize that I have a great amount of support from my friends/son/spiritual community as they have been there for me the whole time. I also find that I don’t mind being by myself at times since there is no pressure to be or do anything other than me and what I am choosing, there is no judgement on me by anyone and that is peaceful. Peace was absent almost the entire ‘relationship’ with the N.

I have read a tremendous amount of information in the last month including blog entries and comments about NPD by those who have been through a relationship with one and how they feel about it. I also recognize these traits in my Father and I am now aware that I had an N for a Dad and a codependent as a Mom, so it actually makes sense why I would be attracted to an N. This realization is where my healing will have to be – the fact that I always suffered from ‘not-good-enoughness’ my entire life, and I have stepped on a path of healing to dissolve that idea as the primary driver in how I see my life and the people in it. This experience was one heck of a teacher, just sayin’.

After all this research and reading, I thought I should share my story since so many of you brave folks have. I truly know that this experience is/was unique and you can’t really help others grasp it unless they have been a participant themselves. To know you have been through it gives me hope that I can overcome it as well as knowing I am truly truly not alone. Thanks for reading!

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    Anonymous December 12, 2015

    Reading this was very helpful to my healing and reassures me that I am not alone. Thank you for being so honest and frank about your feelings. I completely understand your experience, mine was very similar.

    Reply
Sabrina July 31, 2014

Your website has been a God send! Thankyou! After a ten year relationship with the N and many attempts at NC , one fact remains iron clad , EVERY TIME you go back the fallout of abuse returns exponentially !

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    Kim Saeed July 31, 2014

    Thank you Sabrina…I couldn’t have said it better myself <3

    Reply
Anonymous July 27, 2014

Add to my previous post Anonymous. I discovered he was having a relationshp with another woman who is in a professional mental health doctor. So he upgraded her from me. So I left him in a New York minute. A few months later came the hoovering and I was flattered THEN I had to snap back and say it is not about me it is about hime he i a narc so he wants to know if you still care about him. I know the games they play so interested in what he has to say bout what he thinks or feel about me. I just laugh it off. Also foiund out he is on a sex hookup site while we were dating I get an HIV test every year and nothing yet. but that is who he is. Never told him any of this ==== did not want any confrontation regarding what I know. Is using this to my advantage and it keeps me on the straight and narrow. Who wants to be with someone as risky as that risking his life and mine …. This is what keeps me sane. To meet him you would never expect this kind of behavior. His mama messed him up big time. She did not want him while he was in the womb and after so comes the bad treatment of women. Now they are two narcs living in the same space.
He has neve had in a long-term relationship with anyone. Our connection has been up and down for 15 years butt I did not let that stop me from dating while he was out the picture. Sounds crazy I know but now I know I idealized him and kept hoping until I saw his picture mentally in everthing I have read re narcs, put the pieces togetther and whola it was not me, it is him finally i know it is him and then I started backing off. And as I type this, I feel good about me and pity the new girl he is with now, plus she is 15 years younger than him. young and dumb he is 60 — I feel that I was showing signs that I was on to him and he had to get his supply in order cause I was not serving it up as much as I did in the begging of us. All i can say is “My mama didn’t raise no fool. lol

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Anonymous July 27, 2014

Once you know how the narc is and the games he play, and if his lips are moving he is lying, one should begun the healing process. He is not capable of intimacy and all the things that a healthy relationships should be about. Anytime he speaks to me my mind registered that he is lying and fabricating. I tell him what he wants to hear (not believing a workd of it) and move on. I know it’s hard in the beginning to think he is not normal as we are. When he calls if I want to talk I will if don’t I do not cause I know he is going to call again at some point. We are at the hoovering stage now and it’s funny to me. I say to myself “he must need a fix of narc supply —- lol Do not expect anything from him casue he has nothing to give and move on the a new relationshp in time. It works for me. My feelingd for him had ddidappeared thank God for that. I have no trouble sleeping at night as I did six months ago. I have finally arrived back to the old me. He cannot do anything that I do not realize that it’s who he is —— a narc and I do not give into it. Oh, I declined to occupy the same space that he is in —– one on one.

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Anonymous July 18, 2014

My narc ex was super manipulative, forceful, and deceitful. I put up with his abuse for a year and just recently ended it. It was hard, but I can already see how much better off I am without him! This article serves as a reminder as to why it’s best not to talk to him again. He has an ex who is still in his life (who I believe is in love with him). She has gone to jail for him, buys him expensive things, lies to others for him, and the list goes on… She is now stripped of her dignity and claims they are “just friends”. I was originally a bit skeptical and insecure of their “friendship”, but now I am so glad I found the power to get out and am not in her place! I’m also glad that I didn’t have to go through all the thing she went through with him. It seems she will never let go of him.

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    Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

    Anon,

    Kudos for remaining strong and seeing your Ex for who he really is. I’m glad you got out before it was too late!

    Reply
samanthacrooks5467 April 28, 2014

Reblogged this on Samantha Crooks.

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    Kim Saeed April 28, 2014

    Thanks for the re-blog 🙂

    Reply
freedomwithinme April 26, 2014

Reblogged this on freedomwithinme's Blog and commented:
A reblog from another blogger. A must read if you have left a Narcissist.

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    Kim Saeed April 28, 2014

    Thank you for the re-blog 🙂

    Reply
Sunshine April 26, 2014

All true, wow…wonder though if HE will let go since HE’s been behind bars for 5 months now? … and hopefully another 19 months when sentencing comes…

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Dottie March 21, 2014

This was very helpful to me. Thank you. I was the one that left and I’ve been doing a lot of reading on Narcs and wondered why he seemed to be doing everything in his power to make it look like he’s avoiding me….but this is because of what you said, Kim – “they will go on a revenge campaign that will make you question your very reason for existence”. He will turn the other way when he sees we are going to cross each other in the road, very obviously and abruptly. He drives by my office, but a block away…. Thank you. I figured this was one of his games, but I needed to see the explanation in print. Somehow it still makes me feel rejected, even though I was the one that ended the relationship.

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    Kim Saeed March 25, 2014

    Hi Dottie. Sorry to hear that you are still dealing with Your Ex’s juvenile behavior. In my experience, it can become quite comical. It reminds me of how teenagers might behave in middle school, though I’ve seen some teenagers with higher maturity than the Ex-Narcs. You’re right, it’s just a silly game they play, especially if there are witnesses that can observe them doing that. I, on the other hand, believe it to be undignified and would be embarrassed to act in the ways they do…

    I just shrug it off and remind myself that they have no capacity for growth or change, whereas we do.

    Reply
Domestic Violence: How to stop someone controlling you | Happiness Weekly March 17, 2014

[…] ditch bid in controlling you, it’s also known through narcissistic abuse websites as “harassment through the court system“) – ah the irony! So what do you do?  Consider the control cycle and if it’s worth more […]

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Anonymous March 17, 2014

It’s been a few weeks of no contact with my narc ex and it has been a bit of a struggle to process the 7 months of constant lies and emotional abuse. He left a message a on my voicemail a bit over a week ago which I didn’t answer. Tonight a good friend texted me to tell me that as soon as her 18 year old sister accepted my friend request on Facebook (she just moved to town and doesn’t really know anyone here yet) she instantly received a friend request from my ex who she has never met. That’s not a coincidence is it? She asked my friend if she knew him and she explained he was my ex so she didn’t accept but I’m guessing he has a fake profile floating around Facebook so he can still see who I have added as a friend? All my other settings apart from my profile pic are set to private. I was the one who left him though. After reading this I’m thinking I have to be prepared for the fact he is going to keep trying for a good while? I hate this, for the first time in my life I have insomnia and it’s starting to get to me. I only fell asleep at 4:30 in the morning yesterday as my parent’s were getting up for breakfast 🙁 .

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    Kim Saeed March 22, 2014

    If he left the voice mail on your cell phone, I would recommend blocking his number. There is a great app you can download called Mr Number. It lets you block certain phone numbers and set to hangup without going to voice mail. You can also block private and unknown numbers.

    The FB trick doesn’t surprise me. When we leave the Narcissist first, they will employ various forms of stalking, including cyber-stalking. Not because they miss us, but because they think of us as property. Even though we’ve left them and made it clear that we don’t want anything to do with them, they believe we belong to them and have no right to carry on with life.

    I know it’s hard, but try not to think about him too much, nor what he might be up to. The more we think about it, the more we keep attracting more of the same. Try to do some guided meditations at bedtime using an ipod, ipad, or nook and headphones. The guided meditations give you something to focus on so you can fall asleep easier, and also heal your subconscious when done over several weeks’ time.

    Reply
      Christina Johansen March 22, 2014

      Thanks Kim and I did try to look for that app a couple of weeks ago and couldn’t find it unfortunately but I haven’t heard from him since he left a message on my voicemail saying he wanted to return my things. Still a little sad, still staying NC and trying to stay strong. Listened to the binaural meditation you posted one night and it did help me to have a restful sleep. My sister suggested I sign up for Oprah’s meditation challenge so I’ll give that a go and I will try to not think about him 🙂

      Reply
        Kim Saeed March 28, 2014

        Best of luck Christina. It does take a while to be completely cleansed of the toxicity and confusion. I’m completely over the “confused and missing him” part, but I still have work to do in order to release all the toxic energy from my psyche and physical body.

        Reply
persiakarema March 16, 2014

Thank you so much for this post. My ex went on a smear campaign about me after I walked away from him. He also told people he left me for his current ‘squeeze’ because he just cannot handle the truth!

“Their New Love” is also true, in fact very accurate indeed.

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    Kim Saeed March 22, 2014

    Persiakarema,

    I’m never surprised by the juvenile behaviors of Narcissists after one of their targets leaves them. The smear campaign and telling everyone he left you…it’s so blueprint. It showcases their lack of emotional intelligence and maturity.

    Seems like you have a good handle on the situation 🙂

    Reply
      persiakarema March 22, 2014

      Exactly. Then he had the audacity to send me a message asking why am I smearing him! Obviously trying to look like the victim.

      So far I have Kim Saeed. He ground me down, and almost broke me. Almost. That was his first mistake…not succeeding. His second mistake was underestimating my ability to walk away from him. He thought I’d stay because we had a son together.

      He must really hate me! 😀

      Reply
      Anonymous April 7, 2015

      I am currently dealing with this as well. He tries any chance he can to ruin my relationship and get our children taken from me all with lies. My question is what do you do?!?! I’m so tired of this.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed April 7, 2015

        If you have any emails, texts, or voice mails from him that are threatening in nature, start two notebooks (one for you, one for an attorney), document everything, keep records of your taking the kids to dr’s appts and school functions. As long as you don’t have any records against you (old convictions, etc.) you don’t have much to worry about. The burden would lie with him to prove you’re an unfit mother, and that’s impossible to do if there’s no evidence.

        Reply
Julie March 16, 2014

My former N (NC for 2 weeks now) will literally show up at my door – that’s his MO.

Lately I’ve been anticipating what I’m going to do when he shows up – could be between now and 2015, I never know. But then again, it’s uncanny really, because he’ll usually show up about a month or so after I finally begin to move on… I think he’s just that practiced, really.

Anyway, I fret over seeing his face again, turning around in my mind what to do, say, how to react.
I think the best thing to do is simply not answer the door. Then my mind goes to “what if I’m outside,” on and on… it’s amazing, the control he continues to have by my fretting over this.

I’ve realized though, he gets control through a belief I have had these last 30 years, that he and I are “bonded,” so all he need do is show and let that belief do the rest. Well, yeah, half right I was – the important part of that equation is the TRAUMA part.

It’s so difficult to understand that someone I love would, could be so cruel, over and over for so long. But it happened. The good part is going No Contact, and his not contacting me; the silence is a reminder of how much he “cares.” I had been having Anxiety attacks and consulting the doctor last he knew. Someone who knows what it means to love would have reached out to see how I was doing… that sounds really pathetic.

Thanks for the articles.

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    Constance March 17, 2014

    Narcs/sociopaths don’t have the capacity to love, or genuinely care for others. If he is one, (I assume so since you’re here) even if he does contact you, it’s not because he cares or is concerned, unfortunately. It’s not pathetic to think that, because like you said, we reach out to see how someone we care about is doing. We are like appliances to them. Good job on being no contact, it will help your sanity. <3

    You are among people who understand. 🙂

    Reply
    Cecilia October 14, 2014

    I can relate to the feeling of being bonded to someone. I read this, and it really helped me in realizing I’m free from the bondage with my ex N. Going on 5 days with no contact he’s trying to talk to me but I’m not giving in. If this site helps you at all please pray for my continued strength. http://www.goingtojesus.com/site/php/books.php?tname=marriage:7:9

    Reply
Constance March 15, 2014

I couldn’t understand why he came after me the way that he did after I left, but it’s because I LEFT. He didn’t get to toss me out on the street. I actually thought he would be happy that we had gone, because he would have no one to answer to.

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    Kim Saeed March 16, 2014

    Exactly…it’s because in his mind, you took the power when you left him first. That’s one of the worst things a person can do in a Narcissist’s mind.

    It is indeed ironic how, after all the times they say they’ll be happy when we’re gone, that they act like lunatics when we actually leave…

    Reply
      Anonymous July 22, 2015

      Thelmaheck123@Gmail.com my daughter broke up with her ex now he moved across the street from her and he used to go to school is he stalking her

      Reply
    newmeandfree March 22, 2015

    I left him too….he couldn’t let it go…he wouldn’t stop contacting me. He was enraged that he didn’t get to finish playing his game……just like an obstinate little child who has a temper tantrum in order to get his way – he sulked, insulted, pouted, belittled and stomped his way out. No candy for you little man……

    And I held true to my word. I never gave into his demands again.
    I at that candy right in front of him while he went berserk.

    I’m pretty sure if I went back, I’d still find him sitting there holding his breath…..

    Reply
Teela Hart March 15, 2014

Even today after all that has happened, I still carry guilt for leaving. I would visit my MD, who knew but didn’t. The first thing he said to me for 6 months before I finally left, “I see you continue to carry that guilt, it is destroying your health. When are you going to stop it?”
I was floored every time. He doesn’t say that anymore. He walks in and smiles and asks me if I could have imagined a year ago if I would be where I am today. I return the smile. I still have my days, but I recognize it, defying the thoughts in my head. It is a struggle, however, this struggle is one that I stand a chance of winning.
Great post.

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    Kim Saeed March 16, 2014

    Thank you for sharing, Teela. I’m curious…do you (sometimes) feel guilty for leaving him or for leaving the relationship?

    I don’t struggle with the fact that I left any longer…now, I struggle with why my Ex seems so Hell-bent on making me pay. I just don’t understand why these people can’t just get a life and move on…

    Reply
      Teela Hart March 16, 2014

      I don’t know, a little of both I guess. Stockholm’s for sure I think.

      I found J to be vengeful and driven to get revenge against others he felt had wronged him. He had always been that way and made no pains about letting me know it.

      Reply
    Kim Saeed March 15, 2014

    Yes, it does…thank you for sharing that 🙂

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      nomadenseele March 15, 2014

      Well, I`m a diagnosed narcisst and so it is very interessting to me to get known to *the other side*. But I have to say, that because of my diagnose I always avoided a relationship even to the people I really liked, because I knew I wouldn*t be goog for them.

      Reply
      nomadenseele March 15, 2014

      diagnose = diagnosis
      goog = good

      Reply
    Kim Saeed March 16, 2014

    I gotta say, the very fact that you are avoiding relationships because you feel you wouldn’t be good for them is cause for wonder. Narcissists generally don’t care about the welfare of others…

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      nomadenseele March 16, 2014

      Ok, it is also because I`m not used to let somebody getting near me and I am afraid of it.

      But I don`t want anybody to see whats behind the curtain. So there are three reasons, why I have never wanted a relationship.

      Reply
Daughter of Eve March 15, 2014

Thank you for this. Lately I have been in a slump, just wondering about things. He left me in the dust and I fought long and hard to maintain no contact. Some days I feel like caving in and go looking at his email or check the checking account to figure out what he is doing. I am beginning to have some days when he does not cross my mind (which is good). I get updates on your blog and on a day like today this one helps. It helps to keep me in check where I start to second guess myself and it helps me when my thoughts become destructive, like when I remember him telling me I was too old to love (I was 39 at the time) and that I might as well be with him because no one would ever want me, or telling me that I was a dreamer because I believed in something that didn’t exist-Love.

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    Kim Saeed March 15, 2014

    My Ex said similar things to me, as well. I’m now 43, yet I feel like I have a whole life ahead of me…

    You do, too.

    It makes me so angry that we actually begin to internalize and believe their lies. They are so insecure and unstable, and they want other people to feel so worthless that they should stay in a life of abuse, rather than risk living the rest of their life alone (which rarely happens in reality).

    My Ex used to say that I was too old, that other people would only want me for s*x, that no one would want me because I have kids, etc., etc. He even said that my own family didn’t want me. Now that I’m on the outside looking in, I can see how very pathetic he is.

    Love does exist. It may be harder to find since it seems there are Narcissists spreading over the globe like a resistant strain of H1-N1, but love DOES exist. The only thing I would suggest is that you (all of us) should work on loving ourselves first because until we do, we will continue to look outside of ourselves for validation from other people. Which could, in turn, land us with another emotional predator.

    Thank you for letting me know that my posts help you. Comments such as yours give me the motivation to keep writing 🙂

    Reply
      Anonymous April 1, 2014

      All of this hits home for me. For years I thought that I was crazy. I found myself second guessing myself. My daughters father is a “N”. Our daughter is now 8 years old and her father kicked me (and her) out of our apartment when she was 3. I tried to reason with him, but as a “N” it had to be his way or no way. Since then I have dealt with him bullying me with the court system every year, sometimes twice a year. He once had me served with court papers for an emergency hearing on Valentines Day. Imagine how upset I was. His family are “N” too. His mother and sister lied to DSS and told them that I was abusing our daughter. DSS saw through their lies in the 1 day investigation and closed the case. He hired a private investigator to watch me. He would tell me that I didn’t come from shit and that I would never be shit. He told me that I went to college for nothing and my degrees (yes with an “s”) were worthless. Mind you he has a B.A degree while I myself hold a BA and a MA. He told me that no one would want me after him because I had a baby. He told me that I was in his words a “simple bitch”. He told me that I was fat. I once brought him clothes for his birthday only for him to tell me that the clothes were cheap and he didnt want them because I knew his birthday was coming up and I should have saved more money to get something better. He never wore the clothes. He later gave those clothes to his friend. I was abused emotionally and mentally. Looking back him kicking me out of the apartment that we share was the best thing that he could have ever done. I mean it wasnt fun sleeping on an air mattress in the tiny one bedroom apartment that I found for me and our daughter, but it was the best thing that he did. If I would have stayed in that situation someone would have ended up hurt. Either me or him. Less than a month after kicking us out he began dating someone else. They dated for a year and they ended up getting married. Perhaps they married so quickly due to her need to gain citzenship in the US. I feel so sorry for her. She refuses to talk to me or even acknowledge me around our daughter. I have confidence that this will all change when she discovers that he is a “N” and their marriage begins to fall apart. Yes it is true the best thing that you can do is ignore a “N”. When you do they eventually go away. He sometimes sends me emails to upset me. I no longer let is bother me. If its something about our daughter I normally reply with just one or two words and no more. You can not reason with a “N”. They don’t believe in things being fair, so don’t try. I hate that I have to deal with him for the next 10 years of my life. My daughter thinks that he is so wonderful, if she only knew the truth. She will see it one day when she gets older!

      Reply
        Kim Saeed April 3, 2014

        Wow. Your story is eerily similar to mine. Right down to the PI and the “no one would want me because I have children”. They’re all the same…

        As far as the new wife, I’d be willing to bet she already knows what he is…but Narcs have a way of hiding that from all the people who know the new wife. They keep up with appearances because they still want us and everyone in the neighborhood to believe WE’RE no longer together because of something WE did. Sadly, they often succeed, at least until the new wife comes clean, which doesn’t always happen because she is getting the same brainwashing and abuse.

        Yes, our children will discover the truth when they get older…

        Reply
      Anonymous June 19, 2015

      Went to court today for the last time he took plea bargain I feel so sad and alone nobody wins I feel like the crime didn’t fit the punishment

      Reply
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