10 Lies We Mistake for Love – Part II

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Mar 18

This post is the second in a two-part series.  To see the first one, click here.

Lies We Mistake for Love – continued…

6.  You believe you have to earn love

Love should not depend on what you can do for another person.  However, if you’ve been in a relationship with an emotional predator, you already know they believe the opposite.

If your relationships have consisted of your doing everything you could for your partner at the expense of your own happiness, it’s highly likely that you are codependent.  This isn’t a condition we are born with.  We usually learn codependent behaviors as children and carry them with us into our adult lives where they manifest in the form of one-sided, draining relationships.  Codependents are natural magnets for Narcissists and other emotional predators.

True love consists of two people who are respectful and considerate of one another.  Anything that’s shared between two people in the form of money, gifts, time spent, and affection should be the result of mutual feelings of fondness and adoration.  If your partner makes you earn these things, it’s not love.  Not only will it result in lower self-esteem on your part, it can lead to physical diseases.  Learn to take care of your own needs first.  If your partner doesn’t support you in that, it’s time to let them go.

7.  You believe loving people involves “fixing” them and/or bailing them out

This is a common misbelief for empaths and codependents.  In reality, feeling the need to fix people only perpetuates attracting more “broken” people into your life.  There’s a fine line between being supportive of someone who genuinely needs help, and being someone who gets taken advantage of.  Some people don’t really want to be helped, but they’re sure not going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Narcissists are constantly on the prowl for empaths and codependents for this very reason.  If you’re an empath, it’s important to learn grounding techniques in order to retain your energy for more beneficial things.  If you suspect you might be codependent, it’s time to realize that most of your “help” is actually enabling the Narcissist to continue their destructive behaviors and moreover, they have no intention of changing.

8.  You believe relationships are supposed to be hard work and involve emotional pain

As a certified Law of Attraction practitioner, I can tell you that this belief will undoubtedly bring you difficult and painful relationships.

There is no relationship that is 100% challenge-free.  However, having the core belief that relationships are supposed to be painful is not only unhealthy, it’s untrue.  If you’ve held this belief during your adulthood, it’s time to get out of your unfulfilling relationships (romantic or otherwise) and practice self-love, meditation, and positivity.  It won’t guarantee you a perfect life, but it will raise your self-esteem so you will have a healthy outlook on love and life in general.

Queenofyourownlife.com

9.  You believe love involves being an investigator

Nothing kills relationships more than always being on high alert with your partner, especially if they’ve not given you a reason to suspect them.  This may be hard to do if you’ve had a past relationship with a Narcissist or other disordered personality type, but unless you can find ways to reign in your fears (which might be unfounded) you’ll find yourself alone again.

This is why it’s important to not jump into a new relationship right after ending one with a Narcissist.  The whole experience of having been abused by one leaves us naturally suspicious of every little thing a new partner might do or say.  The reasons for this are mainly because Narcissists are pathological liars, and also because our self-esteem is in the gutter from emotional abuse.

If, on the other hand, you do find a new partner is talking to someone else on the side, politely end it.  If the relationship starts off that way, what does that say for the future?

10.  You believe in unconditional love and unending forgiveness

Many people mistake unconditional love for accepting abuse and disrespect from their partner.  This also comes into play inside of religion where we are told that we should forgive others, for example, as Jesus forgave us…and to turn the other cheek.

Unconditional love does not mean you should accept abuse, infidelity, or disrespect.  Unconditional love and forgiveness assumes that the other person realizes an error and does what it takes to ensure it won’t happen again.  Allowing a Narcissist to continue their destructive behaviors with no consequences is being an enabler, which will guarantee nothing but more pain and misery for you.  They will never, under any circumstances, feel sorry for their actions or choose to change.  The best thing to do is turn that love and forgiveness onto yourself and leave your abuser at the earliest opportunity.

As far as religion is concerned, God doesn’t want us to enable our partner or spouse to continue having adulterous affairs and endure their being evil in general.  In fact, it rather makes us co-conspirators.  If your partner is a serial cheater and/or is abusive with no signs of stopping, it’s time to leave.

photo by Mari Mitchell-Porter

How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs about Love

The first thing to understand is that our thoughts are just…thoughts.  And thoughts can be changed.  Instead of believing that love involves sacrificing your own happiness, change that belief into knowing that love involves elements of stability, contentment, and mutual respect.

The next thing is to work on loving yourself first.  We can’t expect others to love us if we don’t love ourselves.  In fact, not loving ourselves often drives others away.

If you’re a woman who has had difficulties setting boundaries, which led to accepting abusive behavior, a great book to read is Setting Boundaries® for Women by Allison Bottke.  If you need help with self-love, anything by Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson is wonderful…however, some books I’d recommend if you are looking more for instructional books in creating an exceptional life:

The Secret

Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from Old Habits and Fears

The Power of Intention

The Gift of Fear

heartandsoulmatter.com

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I’m not going to let myself pull me down anymore.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

Leave a Comment:

(17) comments

Susan April 29, 2017

Hi. I believe i was raised by a wounded but Narcissistic mother and then married a narcissist for 25 years. We are divorced 6 years now and I have struggled with finding balanced relationships and love for myself. I am a therapist; go figure! My deepest dissappointment that I have a son I invested in and love with all my heart, he is a medical student and very successful and he has started to show narcissist traits. He witholds contact,(and I am not a clingy mother),criticizes me, and in general has cut communication. He is 25 and is gay. I have tried to “keep the door open”, hoping he will reconnect to me and the family, but he hasnt. I struggle with the loss of that relationship as it was so important to me. Do you have thought or suggestions about this? Thank you for your insight and material.

Susan

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Heather May 5, 2014

#10. Forgiveness. Yes, N told me this repeatedly: how I was not capable of forgiveness, that N wanted a partner who could forgive etc. Nevermind that the actions, the hurts, the betrayals never actually changed. Forgiveness to the N meant “I’m going to abuse you and you will just take it…with a smile, okay?”. Blech.

Aha! You’ve answered something for me! Indeed, I have always been very independent…but definitely identified with the definition of codependent in the end…wondering what happened to me I suppose it was a gradual thing, the N got some sort of sick pleasure of bringing me down to his level…how pathetic.

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    Tina February 23, 2015

    Heather, I totally relate. My narc ex husband always said I was so angry and negative but only around him. He actually sent me a message saying that although I was angry, we was more upset because if I wasn’t such a negative person and would have just been happy like he demanded for so long, he wouldn’t have been forced to leave. Haha, putting the blame right back on me for pushing back and getting frustrated after years of selfish behavior and attitudes. Ugh, makes me sick!

    Reply

[…] kept you in the relationship with your abuser, possibly dating back to childhood.  See my post, 10 Lies We Mistake for Love, to see if any of its contents relate your […]

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Becky April 13, 2014

Still questioning, is he or isan’t he a narc? So many things point yes. But not eversingle one does. Im realizing i probably am codepent. I just truly like helping people and hope they know someone does care.
The first week my to be ex was gone. I felt the heavy black cloud was lifting off me. Its a few month now. And i still have a heavy feeling in my chest. ( not my heart because there is such relief ) I get shaky and a fear starts comming back over me wondering when will he show up again. Still question myself, maybe it wasnt so bad and maybe it was just my thinking. I get so mad at me

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    Kim Saeed April 17, 2014

    Becky, those are very normal feelings to have. I think what happens is, intellectually we know they are a Narcissist, but our heart tries to convince us they’re not.

    The reason you get shaky when you think about him popping back onto the scene is because your essential self considers that as a threat to your well-being (if he were to show up).

    Don’t beat yourself up. The best thing to do is prepare yourself and then try to move on as much as possible. Make sure you have ALL forms of No Contact in place. Don’t leave any cracks open via internet, your phone, or email. If friends try to talk about him, tell them you are healing and prefer not to discuss it.

    If he shows up in person while you are out, try to walk away. If he confronts you face-to-face, inform him you have no desire to speak to him and leave. If he persists, tell him you will involve the police if necessary. Once they realize you are serious about your new life WITHOUT them, they usually back off.

    Reply
Cindy Baker March 20, 2014

Reblogged this on Poetry Inspector and commented:
Kim Saeed -Let Me Reach

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Julie March 19, 2014

Reading your posts bring me to a place of quiet reflection, where the emotions can interact with experience.

It isn’t always easy being a friend to oneself; sometimes the honesty of a situation brings shame.

Yet at the same time, that shame is another opportunity to give myself the kindness often sought outside from others.

Going on 3 weeks NC, beginning to sense a bit of strength coming back. Still difficult to get out of bed and do something (dog is pestering me at the moment for walkies!) I’m going for walkies.

Thanks!

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    Patricia December 24, 2015

    Oh,Julia it’s been 5wks No Contact & the Narcissist is constantly calling/txtn with the I’m so sorry act..he doesn’t know what to do with himself no control is driving him madd..I hope it boils over..I feel better day by day.
    Thanks

    Reply
bamboozled1 March 19, 2014

Like x 10000000000

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armyofangels2013 March 18, 2014

I thought I was independent too… I had put myself through college while single parenting (before the days of coparenting)…managed to buy a home, a truck, and new furnishings on my own… Then came the narc. Here I am, 14 years later… No house, no truck, no furniture… Narc kept it all. I have my education and my children-my life, and my soul… It is enough?

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    Kim Saeed March 19, 2014

    Army,

    This scenario is all too common. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my experience, it’s letting go of material things. (Of course, I’ve grown in other ways)…but, I also lost everything in my relationship with a Narcissist. At least that’s what it seemed like at the time. I can relate to your sentiment, “I have my education and my children-my life, and my soul… It is enough”. (✿ ♥‿♥)

    Reply
      armyofangels2013 March 19, 2014

      Thanks, Kim! Letting go of material things in such a manner creates its own set of healing needs-easy to start hoarding. Realizing this, helps me find peace…might make a good blog topic…..?

      Reply
Teela Hart March 18, 2014

I’m no counselor, obviously, but I never saw myself as codependent. I was fiercely independent. I’m sure before it was all over I became codependent.

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    Kim Saeed March 19, 2014

    Teela, while codependents make easier targets, Narcissists thrive on finding someone independent and slowly whittling away at them until they have no confidence or self-esteem left. So, it’s very possible that one can develop codependent traits during a relationship with one of them.

    Reply
      Teela Hart March 19, 2014

      Thanks Kim. I appreciate your responding. I’ve had that floating around in my head for quite some time now.

      Reply
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