Does the Narcissist Miss You After No Contact?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Apr 10
Does the narcissist miss me

Multitudes of people who’ve implemented No Contact with their Narcissistic partner will inevitably ask the question, Does the Narcissist miss me?

Why?  Because they are often consumed with missing the Narcissist, and they wonder if he or she has the same feelings of loss and sorrow…perhaps wondering if there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship.

The short–yet excruciating–answer is no.  When we wonder if (or assume that) the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our feelings of loss and longing onto them.  Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions.  They cannot form bonds with other people, so the usual emotions of missing someone or feelings of sadness and regret typically don’t affect them.

Below are the most common stages (emotional and physical) a Narcissist goes through when one has implemented No Contact (**These are not listed in order of rank.   These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual).

1)       Anger – When you’ve implemented No Contact with a Narcissist, the first emotion they feel is anger at your attempt to set a boundary.  They’ve grown so accustomed to having you under their control that they become indignant when you choose to have an independent thought and act on it.

During the relationship, you became an extension of them, so when you begin to break away and reclaim your conscious thought process they typically go into a rage, although this isn’t always obvious.  Oftentimes they’ll conceal the rage in order to fulfill their devastating revenge motives.

2)      Silent Treatment – In the Narcissist’s mind, you are still their property and they believe it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses.  Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment.  

This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them.  Then, when the victim doesn’t receive any form of contact from the Narcissist, they begin to think the break-up may possibly have been their fault, after all.

In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message.  Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the Narcissist then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them.

3)      Hoovering – Hoovering presents in many forms.  Mostly, it’s the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because they’ve had a “life-changing” epiphany where, through some kind of divine intervention, they’ve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change.

Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist:

Scenario:  The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later.   You crack the door and he tells you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else.  He manages to squeeze out a tear or two and admits that he hasn’t been perfect, but he is willing to try to change for the sake of the relationship.

Your internal dialogue:  “He must really care about me.  He’s finally seen the error of his ways, and he’s obviously sorry for the way he treated me all this time.  Thank goodness.  This is great!  I forgive him and love him more than ever.”  You open the door and throw your arms around him.

His internal dialogue:  “Damn.  Those flowers were friggin’ expensive.  Why am I doing all this hard work?  Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such.  I guess I’m getting off pretty cheaply here.  I can’t believe she’s falling for this…again.  But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing.”  He forces a smile and returns the hug, which doesn’t seem as genuine as yours.

4)       The “Torn” Lover – He’s already shacked up with a new mistress, whom he says he just met, but in reality has been seeing for the past few months behind your back.  He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he defenselessly fell into the arms of a new lover.  But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work.

The scoop:  What’s happened is he found out that the new lover doesn’t have as much money as he thought, can’t support him, and/or gave him a little lip when he tried to test the boundary-breaking waters.

Or, maybe he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.

Whenever a “new” lover enters the scene, don’t fall for his “torn between two lovers” act.  You are being played and triangulated and should consider going full-out No Contact.

5)      Jekyll and Hyde:  If he’s really sociopathic, once you fall for the feigned remorse and let him in, he immediately drops the mask and makes you pay for implementing No Contact.  This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical.  If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity.  There’s only more to come.

What the Narcissist Really Misses

  • Someone take complete care of them; the “special treatment”.
  • Not being able to be themselves.  They can’t do that with new supply.
  • Not having someone to take their frustrations out on.
  • Having someone to mop off their stage, all while paying the bills.
  • Having an adoring, compliant partner.
  • Being “God”.
  • Not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with missing you, and everything to do with the Narcissist.  It’s all about their ego, entitlement, and having control.  These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.

When you implement No Contact, it’s the ultimate form of Narcissistic injury, and they will do whatever is necessary to gain back control, and then devalue and discard you.  That’s why implementing No Contact in its true form is critical when detaching from a toxic, emotionally abusive partner.  Remember those points of entry from #2?  Don’t leave them open.  You will only regret it in the end…every. single. time.

Prefer video?  Watch the mini-movie here.

Copyright © 2017  Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach.  All Rights Reserved

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(321) comments

Donna October 12, 2017

He misses me every bit as much as I miss him. Not. For. A. Second.
He’s busy I’m sure with his nasty dating sites and porn sites. Talking to strange women. Meeting up for God only knows. He’s drinking beer. Lots of beer. He’s fine. And I’m even better.

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Angela October 2, 2017

This article was an eye opener. I have been with this older man who is retired who I loved dearly for 4 years. On our 4th anniversary I had to break it off because of his constant lying. He was married when we met and only has a separation agreement with his wife. His wife moved on without him and bought a condo. He has moved out of the house into his own apartment which I helped paint, clean, set up etc. He was very particular in things he wanted for his apartment his income is limited but he still rented an apartment he clearly couldn’t afford. In the past 4 years he lived mostly in my apartment and kept his apartment mostly for his collectibles which are vast. He would come over for dinner spend the night and go back to his apartment the next day to play with his collection. He would never put them in storage. I had to beg for him to help with utilities, food, etc as I am on disability and also have a limited income. We had a lot of good times in the beginning but as the years went on the goods time were few and far between. Every time I discuss a topic he doesn’t want to hear he threatens to leave, and he does quite often sometimes for 1 week, 2 weeks a month and then comes back that he will get a divorce and things will get better. This man was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I helped in the hospital like I was his wife. This went on a whole year of chemo treatments, operations,sepsis, hospital stays, stem cell transplant, etc. I spend all the hours with him for every procedure. Not his wife, not his 2 adult daughters, not his brother, no one but me helped his through his illness. Now he is in remission. He promised me he would take care of this divorce and finalize it by our 4th anniversary. He promised to not hurt me. He never cared about my feelings. He never cared that I was upset and crying about things. He would just ignore me. He lied constantly. All these years he practically lived with me all he brought over was a change of underwear. I cooked for him and did his laundry and tended to all his personal paper work he didn’t have the attention span to do. He seemed helpless like a little boy. I was his wife and mother and caregiver. On our 4th anniversary he disappointed me again, no divorce. I said to him I knew you were going to do this again and his reply smugly was I guess you know me by now. I was devastated. I ended the relationship. I’m tired of being the doormat. I received no answers to any questions. He never talked about a future. He has ruined special occasions with his lies and disappointments. I guess for him I was only there for the here and now for what I could do for him. It’s been 2 weeks. I am lost and heartbroken and confused like I don’t know what just happened. I am on disability for panic disorder and anxiety and this is not making it any better. Part of me still misses him terribly. We had the potential for a great relationship but he made it impossible. Please give me some advice. Reading your article I believe he was a Narcissist. Any input would be appreciated. It’s been very hard for me to get through this. Thank you.

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S September 29, 2017

This is massively helpful. I’ve been doing ‘no contact’ with him and he’s doing the hoovering now. Not gonna reply. I want no part in his game.

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Erik September 20, 2017

Im wondering what the patterns are for women narcissists. Every site i find seems to assume that only men have this condition. I am 24 year old (m) and i met my ex gf [34 year old (f)] at work. She is a doctor and my company designed the luxury condos that she moved into. She asked me out..things were great and moved very quickly. within 4 months we had each others names tattooed and had moved in together. Within days of moving in the entire dynamic of the relationship changed. we both work about 50 hours a week but her job seemed to take precedence: aka SHE had a long day, SHE was tired, No one can relate to her job….as if it wasnt possible for anyone else to have hard days at work. due to this attitude, the relationship shifted to me doing house work. she would have a long day so id pour her wine, id walk the dogs, id do the dishes, id do the laundry. this gradually turned into fights should the chores not be done. Her house was to be kept spotless at all times (almost as if it were a meauseam). She eventually kicked me out over a lack of doing chores/me standing up saying that her demands were unreasonable. I came back. the parttern continued, she kicked me out 4 times in the 5 weeks that I lived there. She often kicked me out at times where she had been drink (i had also been drinking at these times, so im sure my actions/attitudes werent up to usual par). When she kicked me out it was always black and white..as in: she would call me a broke loser and tell me she hates me…the next day shes sorry and she loves me. She would threaten to throw away or break all my items in the house. threaten to call the cops….there were even times she threw me out…then the next morning she would be mad at me for leaving. There was one ugly blowout where she cussed me out in a casino lobby, i then left, she then ran up to my parents room and cussed them out at full volume about what a disrespectful loser they raised. eventually my dad shoved her out of the room, which in her mind became “he strangled me” and she threatened to call cops…..i dont know if she has bpd or npd…i just no im 3 days into a breakup, and im wondering what craziness to expect…

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    Kim Saeed September 25, 2017

    Hi Erik,

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your experience. I am sorry to learn of your struggles. Many people feel the same way you do, and I can relate to how difficult it is.

    Okay so, wondering what kind of crazy to expect? More of the same and then some. Your best bet would be to go extreme No Contact and call the cops if necessary to obtain a restraining order. I’ve worked with many male clients with exes like yours and it will be a fast downward spiral unless you get things under control as quickly as possible.

    By the way, it doesn’t matter whether she has npd or bpd. She’s unstable and emotionally unavailable. She will turn your life into Hell on earth if she isn’t stopped.

    I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s the truth.

    Wishing you the best…

    Kim

    Reply
Holly Underwood-Annen September 14, 2017

My soon to be exhusband has done just about all of these steps. I would love to go absolutely no contact, however, we have two small children together and they love him (as they should). Living seperately and having a court order that he is not allowed on my property (and vice versus) has helped immensely. Not being able to keep my phone number from him is what keeps peace from my life. The fact that I handled 95% of the responsibilities in our life together has him flailing, and I’m the horrible one if I don’t help him figure things out. Hopefully soon (especially once the divorce is finalized) less contact will be possible. Unfortunately, the state I live in leans toward 50/50 custody. In my mind he has done more than enough to provide cause for me to get far more than 50% custody.

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Demi September 12, 2017

What happens after ‘The Torn Lover’? I never made the choice that led to ‘Jekyll and Hyde’, so what happens next???

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    Kim Saeed September 13, 2017

    Hi Demi, I’ve never seen a happy ending for anyone on the receiving end of “Torn Lover”. If you choose to stay, expect more of the same and for the manipulations to worsen over time.

    Reply
Holly August 10, 2017

Patricia,
I was with a narcissist for 8 months. He was living with his ex girlfriend when he began pursuing me. However, we worked together closely and were friends for a year so I thought I knew this man. He was 20 years younger than me. I was extremely flattered and attracted to him. He told me lies about his ex being crazy psycho etc. In the beginning, while showering me with love, I later learned I was a secret the whole time throughout our relationship. He told everyone he knew I was just his coworker including his ex. I met his friends on only one occasion during the 8 months at his birthday party and he introduced me by my first name only. No, “This is my girlfriend.” I only met his sister one time. Although I continued to give him deadlines with which to include me, it never happened. All broken promises while he continued to tear away at my self-esteem. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was on a constant roller coaster of emotions and he took no responsibility. He wouldn’t allow me to ever be on his social media. He constantly lied. One time I saw him from across the room on his cell phone (which he took everywhere with him). I watched him from above a balcony for some time and then made my entrance. When I came back to the table, I said, “were you on your cell phone?” He said “no.” That should’ve been it. Or maybe the time he had anal intercourse with me without asking and then denied it.
The problem I continued to have in my brain was that we were friends for a long time and co-workers. I couldn’t fathom why I was being treated this way. Finally, he broke up with me. I was completely devastated and vulnerable. He had sex with me in this emotional state, then got up, told me to stop crying so he could leave and wanted to be friends. The following day I put two and two together. He had been pursuing another coworker for months prior to breaking up with me. All the signs were there. The two were happy and running around together in front of everyone two days after our break up. People were astonished to learn we were in a relationship. Here he was flaunting his new girl around the office, taking her home, picking her up, she was all over his social media; things I was never allowed to do. 5 weeks after our break up I found out I was pregnant. The only contact I had with him was sending him medical documentation. I didn’t hear back for two weeks. He blocked all forms of communication with me. In the email he wrote this was an alleged pregnancy and he is the alleged father. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me in any way, shape or form and did not care what decisions I made in regards to any baby I might have. He said the next time we’d speak was in court. I miscarried a month later. Everything about him makes sense now; thanks to your articles. For me, being a strong, confident, independent woman at the beginning to becoming this meek, sensitive, insecure person who didn’t stand up for herself was devastating and still is. I have to see him everyday. The sad part is; although people know what happened, he is highly regarded at work. An excellent role model and was even promoted. I end up being the one treated differently as though I was the only one in the relationship.

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Anonymous July 7, 2017

Nope… period

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belle March 29, 2017

My N husband blocked me because of the N injury I caused him. In turn, I went all NC on him. I changed my number and email address.

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Priscilla McAtee March 16, 2017

Hello Kim. Im Priscilla. I hve a question. Pls tell me how does a Narcissist man treat his mother? I want to kno if he will torture his mother and emotionally abuse her in the same way as he would to his wife? Can the narcissist family help heal him? Will his familiy members also have narcissist tendencies?

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    Kim Saeed May 29, 2017

    Hi Priscilla. While narcissists share many of the same behaviors and traits, they are still individuals with their own personalities and motives. Not all narcissists treat their mothers exactly the same. What I can tell you for sure, however, is that my Ex treated his mother horribly. He’d shout at her and call her a bitch. Once, he upset her so badly, she wound up in the hospital with chest pains and was monitored for a heart attack.

    No, the narcissist’s family cannot heal them. In fact, it’s quite possible one of his parents is a narcissist because children who grow up with a narcissistic parent typically grow up to develop either narcissism or codependency. Luckily, those who develop codependent traits can be helped, whereas those who develop narcissism cannot, because in order for them to be helped,they must want to be helped. Personally, I’ve not seen a case where a narcissist was helped in any meaningful way, but they sure to pretend to want help in order to further manipulate people.

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    Anonymous July 8, 2017

    My husband treated his mother very well. When she chose to have a DNR order for her next impending cardiac event while hospitalized he was furious about her choice and inability to control her decision. He was enraged to the extreme.

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Mel February 11, 2017

No contact or not they will be back. They cannot help themselves. Their skin must be as thick as a rhinos because no matter what you say about them or no matter how much you tell them what they are they will still return. Nutters absolutely.Crazy, crazy, crazy. Get away from them they will never change. Melx

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    Sue February 16, 2017

    2 months of NO CONTACT. At times it is really, really hard but I know I need to prevail to get ME back. Already Family and Friends noticed a big difference. 3 months after he proposed he cheated. I was a wreck. He loved to watch me suffer. Then came the rage of anger when i woke up from being in a coma for 10 years. His rage was using my fears and secrets against me – from “he should have left me for Jennifer”, the yelling in my own backyard that i was crazy and always accusing him of being a cheater when he is a honorable man, I have Daddy issues, I have trust issues (DUH), telling me when i asked about his cheating – “Don’t worry about it, I only Love you, It’s what I do and who we are. WTF. He did the no contact for almost 2 weeks what was perfect for me to bake & come out of the coma and see him for who he really was. I was also fortunate to re-acquaint myself with friends that he told I did not like to hang out with them. All of my instincts were right and I did not trust them. He has been manipulating you for years, yes, he had a girlfriend with a girlfriend, and who knows how many in between. He actually asked for the ring back – I did now want it and knew there was no intent of marriage. Oh and YES he is a HOARDER. He told me he was cleaning up his home for me for years. I suprised him and went over to his house unannounced. Well, now i know he never took the women there – LOL. It’s such a recovery process. Thank goodness for my years of journals, a good counseler, loving family and friends. i have plenty more to say. Stay strong. Believe in Yourself. Excuse any misspelled words.

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      Charmaine Jennings March 27, 2017

      Had a little chuckle over your narc asking for your ring back…..mine did the same thing and then had it “redone” for his current victim! Ahhhh, they are all alike. I did take all my other jewelry he gave me over the 12 1/2 years and sold it all for vacation money. I certainly got the best end of that deal! You will too!!

      Reply
    Stacey February 19, 2017

    He left me. How do you know he’ll be back?

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      anon March 13, 2017

      They leave and they show up again in the most random time. Happened to me four times. Stand your ground, don’t open the door, block him in all social media sites, emails, etc.

      Reply
Silly Salley August 25, 2016

I’ve been in bad relationships many times that I don’t trust anyone. But when the N entered my life it was at the worst part of my life. I was vulnerable. But on guard. I needed him but wasn’t gonna to let him control me. He was living with his problematic gf. Long story short. He discarded her and even tried to use her while we were seeing each other. He Made it seem like that was over. I quickly realized he still held on to her. Even though she kicked him out. I’m very skeptical. I knew he was cheating and it was very obvious. We were off more than on in this relationship. I wasn’t a good supply. My radar went off most the time i was with him. I didn’t understand the goal involved. I read up on his behavior and realized what he was. I’m a very independent women and eventually discarded him before he got real bad. I knew almost 90% of the time he was still pursuing his so caked ex. I never confronted him knowing he’d only lie. At first i thought this girl dumped him. But on her Facebook i saw that she was hold a torch for him. Even though he betrayed her. I didn’t get that. She had pictures of him and her dating back the entire time i was seeing him. I thought this girl was strong and seen that it didn’t matter to her. We broke up for good. 3-4 months later they bought a house together. I have too much pride in myself to move that quickly. He never paid rent to anyone. (Even rent to anywhere he’s stayed) and she knew it. Yet they bought a house together. I lost faith in my own gender. She’s not young and should know better. He totally snowed her. I felt good discarding him only to have this older women take him in so quickly. Something i do very cautiously. I have a lot of boundaries that makes any N run to hills. He didn’t realize i was much smarter than he thought.

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    Yvette Lopez January 30, 2017

    Bravo Sister! One for the good guys!
    I needed to hear your story! It bring hope to a hopeless situation.
    6 weeks ago My Narc suddenly died in my arms.
    I’m ashamed to say this…but this is just another mess he left for me to clean up alone.
    Anger
    Deep Sadness
    Betrayed
    Loneliness
    Heartbroken

    Reply
Kristi Ambrose July 11, 2016

My covert narc ex is leaving me alone. But, I know why. For two reasons. First off, she thinks that my abandonment issues (thanks to her!!!!) are so bad that her ignoring me will make me talk to her. Meanwhile I’m the one that is doing the no contact rule lol. Second off, she’s coming up with a new plan of action. Meanwhile, I am like praying to God and thanking him that she’s leaving me alone lol. Oh you want to ignore me after I broke up with you and while I am ignoring you? Good riddance. Coverts might not be pinned as overly intelligent, but man, they are cunning.

It’s sad she is a covert narc or a narc at all. Its sad I let her put me through all sorts of crap. Its sad that I wasted 4 years of my life. Its sad that I didn’t stay away the first time I broke up with her. But, what I find even sadder, is that there are so many people that have relationships with people like that. I mean really? When you guys first had these crazy things done to you by this person, you either thought they had “issues” or it was you. I know that’s what I thought. But, after doing tons of research, I realized just how many of them there are out there, and just how many of us there are in here.

It’s crazy. Talk about a pandemic. I mean Jesus. I just want to say, that even though this blog is old-ish, that if you are going through this and you are even a tad more sane than they are, eventually you will move on. You WILL get sick of it. You WILL gain strength. Something WILL change you. I know for me, it was 4 1/2 years of crap from her. And then added on to that the first break up. It was just a waiting game before my heart finally shut up and my head took over. So if you feel stuck, if you feel stupid, if you feel hurt – like I was, don’t give up. I think we all have those moments of clarity where it doesn’t matter who knows this is all so wrong (parents, siblings, family, etc that know what is going on and don’t approve of you staying), it has to be US that really decides when enough is enough. There IS a breaking point. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer than others lol.

Also, not to take over Kim’s blog, I know she has her own products, but this video kind of woke me up too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M I was watching it and going, omg, omg that IS her!!! She does that, she’s like that, she told me that, etc etc etc. Kim, I think somewhere on this website you may have mentioned this guy Richard. I think it was you lol. I visited so many blogs and articles and videos and websites over the past 2 years I lost count. My apologies if it was not you.

Anyway, GO watch that video. YOU are not crazy. Its not YOU. Its them!!! I mean I was already at my “almost breaking point.” Then I watched that and it was like the epiphany I needed. Really woke my @$$ up!!!

No need to reply or anything. I’m not even sure this is going to go through since its a 2 year old blog post haha. But, that was kind of cathartic for me. So even if it doesn’t, that’s okay :o)

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    Melissa September 29, 2016

    Heard you loud and clear in 2016… bravo I was with a guy who really messed me up so I understand.
    Melissa

    Reply
    Clare Evans September 30, 2016

    Wow all of this is really helpful.
    I’ve just been discarded recently and badly ending with him throwing me around his house, kicking & choking me & throwing me on the street, some belongings and all for the neighbours to see. The police let him off and said he declared self defence!! What’s worse is that I now realise the whole relationship was fake and he played me all the way. I’ve lost friends through him, and now have no job, home or basically life. Actually I do have a new life, well I’m trying, the pain is unbearable sometimes and getting through a day is struggling. But I know I’m better without him. I want revenge but that’s not possible…no contact is closure…unbearable sometimes….he’s lost nothing, probably gained more due to his high cocky confidence, people love him on first impressions, my friends actually disliked him! But his circle seem to adore him…he is a monster, he doesn’t hide the fact he has no empathy, but showers gifts on people, talks all about him, flares up for a few mins nastily and then is charming as f**k after & he gets away with it. As you can tell anger has hit me know after 2 months of just crying.
    It’s getting better day by day, I’m not working, but doing stuff that I enjoy like the garden. I’m trying to like myself more because even though he destroyed me I want to grow so much more now I’m just ashamed it took him to make this happen.

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      Anonymous November 29, 2016

      I’m so sorry for you clare.. I am going through the same thing at the moment .. 5 years of his coming and going and promising me the earth.. only to turn back into the man underneath the mask . I ran a business with him but have walked away .. he also lost nothing . All I can say is thank god I cancelled our wedding in September. . The red flags were too huge to disregard .. I really wish you love and all the good things that life has to offer. Keep strong .. and believe in you. . They don’t deserve our love x

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      Anonymous December 5, 2016

      Wish you luck. I have been through this an now pulling myself through. Next year will be good and i have no contact with Gerry H. Hes the worst thing every,however,I will not be a victim.

      Reply
      lnb January 19, 2017

      I have the same exact story

      Reply
    AJ October 17, 2016

    “….. there IS a breaking point! Just takes some of us a little bit longer to get to that point!…” (would definitely add, & for many.. might take longer just to even figure all of the #$*%# out; no matter how smart you are, apparently! =p) Of course, I say that because it applies to my situation. Ya shouldn’t feel too bad, phew…. twenty-six years! =/ Yup! Been w/ him since H/S. Went from thinking he was just a player/cheater.. Never understanding why he seemed to argue freakin’ everything. Blue sky? Nope.. kinda turquoise actually. Yet would act/exist, as if ANYTHING emotional just didn’t exist. He never dealt w/ any important stuff, difficult things, decisions… I’d clean up all the messes left behind (at my own expense!) while sparing HIS reputation/image w/ our son when he’d disappear AND then, when he’d come back. All the while, starting this ‘grass is greener’ new life elsewhere, w/ someone else… demanding to take our son for ‘weekends’ etc. Such a messed up thing all-around. Hoping he’d change OR that my son would have to realize who/what/how he really is, once old enough.. for himself. Knowing I needed to maintain a positive image, not bash, etc. no matter how hard it was…. that my son would only resent me, if….. So here, while daddy just ignores the entire situation, mommy has to explain WHO this person is, but also the importance of it NOT being OK (yet not going into detail, putting adult issues on a child OR bashing his dad… man, that was tough!) THEN… got to explain why he wasn’t going to… “x” house this weekend OR, well… ever again. UGH, who could DO that… put a kid through that. Even during the times he was off “whatever”, during what I called a “wake & escape”, basically…. all of the sudden, out of the BLUE… went from “Good morning to…. can’t do this anymore, am going…. bye!” Said I wanted to know WHERE my son would be… rather than provide an address? He shows up WITH the woman… WITH the police, demanding it’s “his weekend”. WHAT? We’re married dumb ass…. ??? Better yet, it’s the point I realized how badly the system suuuuucks! They said I needed to let him go. WHAT?! Not wanting to cause a scene in front of my 11-12 yr old son… ugh, wtf is going on here?! Why… what…. who….. wow! Started digging, researching… after always just thinking I must be nuts. He could spin ANYTHING & did. After going, it would usually only be a few months -ish & there’d be “something”. tugging at my heart-strings.. That he (supposedly.. tho ‘something’ did happen, just don’t know what) WHILE MY SON WAS THERE…. told this girl he wanted to end it & she took a bottle of pills! Had to have a ‘friend’ come to drive my son home to me.. Then, of course, HE too… needed somewhere to go, wasn’t going back, etc. Deciding my son was NOT going to be put in that situation EVER again…. researched, ignored, ‘dealt with’, wouldn’t engage, question.. put up a HUGE wall… wouldn’t sleep w/… All of which only tore me apart, down even further…. well, he did anyway. Mind $#$@#@ to the extreme.. Add to that, him switching jobs a few times, being unemployed a bit in between… getting ZERO financial help for almost a year from him, when I was juuuuuust making it, as is.. My son is 17 now & my huband just pulled another ‘wake & escape” after days, weeks. months of declaring his unending loooooove for me.. mmhmmm.. Telling me all the things he wants to do (in text of course… Guy has NEVER even taken me out on a date, ever.. His proposal back when, was crap.. If I didn’t plan it, etc… it didn’t happen. We did/went, where I made plans for.. IF I made plans for. NO romance, ever… NO emotianal connection to his son. He’d hug him once in a while, sure… but idk, “hey kid…. or ‘ready to eat….” a “relationship” does not make, imho. Same w/ me. Left again…. is “rooming” (mmhmm) w/ a woman & saw that he is smearing ME all over FB. The bs & stories that must be coming outta his face, phew…. As this ‘roomie’ lieks, comments.. feeling sorry for the pooooor abused hubby. I feel bad, for HER! Creepy that it’s like a calling card or trophy… Each/every thing he posts, is like he’s getting away w/ ? …. ‘Cuz it’s him saying I’M doing……. ALL THE THINGS HE, himself is & has been! Haven’t heard from him, yet….. motivational posts about how horrible it is to alienate another parent from the kids, not fair for thme to only hear one side of the story! (U don’t knkow HOW badly I wanna reply….. “well, feel free to explain it then. Whadd’ya expect when you abandon your family for the 100th time??? ps: he’s 17, can make up his own un-influenced mind based on YOUR actions. Wait, who is where????) BUT……. i know that will do nothing for anyone. Would feel damn good tho. hahaha. Anyway, posting all about how he’s suffered long enough…. gotta let go of what’s killing him before it kills him, even if it kills him to do so…. What the…?!?! About…. “how many chances do you give someone to f… you over….. until enough is enough?” lol…. Yeah, I’d sat 26 yrs my friend. While SO grateful for my son, wouldn’t trade him for the WORLD. Always wanted to be a mom. I, unfortunately, was born w/ a kind heart & a moral compasss. I pray to GOD or whomever, that I’ve just made the right decisions & sacrifices for HIS best interests going forward. To expose him to the right things…. Have taught/SHOWED him HOW to treat people…. respect others, have dignity, empathy, compassion, love….. & the importance of ones words being followed up w/ action! How important it is to keep your word, promises, etc… Maintain doing “right thing” for right reasons no matter who is looking… To have a conscience & just be a good guy!!! One mom can be proud of… That some day, when you’re gone…. how would you want others to remember you? Me? I want ’em to remember me as a great person to others & awesome mom! 🙂 I just figured out what was really going on… like 5 yrs ago, sadly. If something doesn’t feel right in your gut, no matter what it is…. In any relationship, if someone has you questioning self & they aren’t doing for others as you’d do for them… RUN & don’t look back! You only have ONE life…… live it w/ someone who treats you right during the storms! Is supportive, thoughtful & by your side when it’s not so easy to be. That is how you’ll know they are a keeper. Anything can be worked through, compromised, fixed…. If they aren’t willing to even discuss…. move on! Do what’s best for your KIDS & make them a priority. Not dating, not bringing a ton of strangers into your house to be mommy or daddy substitutes. That…. will damage them even more! Someone has to be the grown-up. I was both for wayyyyyyy too long! The only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship of any kind for 4 1/2 yrs…. is being in one for 4 1/2 yrs… & a day! (or….. 26 yrs + 1 day! lol yep, i joke to hide the pain I guess) Phew… be grateful & whatever ya do, don’t look back! Def don’t GO back. =/ Esp if you have kids… C….Y……A…. They WILL use any/everything against you & BE prepared. Overly so… THe courts are overwhelmed & suuuuuck! Right/fair rarely means squat….. hardly wins either imho. Do what you have to.. to be safe, right-minded & well.

    Reply
      Carol November 1, 2016

      Wow AJ, you said a mouthful and said it well! Yours words are so true and spot on. I’m glad you have made it to the other side and isn’t it wonderful to be free of the drama, the walking on eggshells, always waiting for the next bomb to drop. I spent 30 years of marriage in mental and emotional prison with my ex. I have been free for 25 years now and it is so wonderful to live in peace. Best wishes to you!

      Reply
    Megan December 11, 2016

    Kristi, same. 5 1/2 Years with covert narc gf. Multiple short term breakups before now, but I always reached back. She’s doing no contact in response to my no contact, probably expecting it to be killing me,plus I think financially she’s in good shape now. She very well may have began devoting more time to a side relationship…new prey. The act may be boring at this point, not exciting anymore. Who knows. The above article was spot on though…I am having times of feeling slighted and abandoned by the narc, despite me praying she leaves me alone. This was validating to hear. The difference this time is…more recovery work under my belt, knowing my feelings aren’t facts, self worth, and seeing patterns clearly..mine included. Also,how promises of future never manifesting, and her withholding from and not caring about my child, despite declarations claiming very different. I’ve crossed over that line finally, and don’t have that existential abandonment and loneliness that drove me back for years.

    Reply
    Anna December 29, 2016

    I married a narcissist 22 years ago. Beleive it or not I just found out he and his sister had narcissistic tendencies .Their father had severe narcissist multiple personality disorder.It’s hard to figure out when masked under severe alcoholism. I finally threw him out on Christmas Eve, he called his daughters once to say he was fine. Me, he won’t answer my calls , tell me who he is with or what he is doing.I don’t know why I care , seeing my bloody eye is still healing from him hitting me in my sleep . thank God my 20 year old stopped him or he probably would have hurt me worse. Your right about moving on but I still feel guilty about the marriage vows and God . I guess for years I’ve been waiting for God’s sighn that it’s OK to walk away from this. You know .”for better or worse , in sickness and health …. Ect . narcissism is a sickness , and I felt like I needed to get him well. But that changed for me when he clocked me in my sleep. I don’t trust him. When I told him to go he wouldn’t. It took both my girls in his face to finally go . it’s been five days now and they asked if he was coming home. They both have some narcissist quality’s from him. But they also got a lot of me to. Compassionate , caring ,understanding quality’s. Thanks for letting me reply. East coast gift to gab ya know.

    Reply
      Charmaine Jennings March 27, 2017

      OMGosh! My ex n “clocked me” while I was sleeping too! Isn’t it terrifying to know that someone can be that crazy? Sadly, it took something that horrific to get me to leave and NEVER look back. Never! I’m almost grateful in a way??? (been over a year for me) because I finally reached the line in the sand that I was not willing to let him pass. Finally! The sad thing now is knowing I was so very demoralized for so long (have n mother too) that I put up with crap 💩 for so long.
      The good thing is finding all these wonderful resources (Kim’s academy is awesome!) and reading other survivors stories…..getting stronger day by day (occasional set-backs to be expected), and EMPOWERING ourselves!
      Hang on tight! Go no-contact! Kick that idiot to the curb and leave him there for garbage day pick-up!

      Reply
Kristi Ambrose July 7, 2016

Lol omg #3 got you a subscription from me lol. It’s amazing what you don’t realize about people and then you get into a relationship with them and you find out all kinds of things. I don’t mean things like oh she hid money or oh she flirted with people while we were together. I mean coming to the realization of just how messed up people really are. This entire article is my ex. I just broke up with her (again) yesterday. The first time i did it, she was up my butt. She had that “epiphany” you mentioned above lol. And she was doing everything and saying everything to get me back.

This time I’m doing the no contact rule!!!!!! So far i got two notifications she emailed me. But she’s not trying as hard as before. Good riddance and thank god.

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Paul January 31, 2016

Hi all! I’ve only just come to realise that the girl I love is actually a narcissist! We recently got back together after a divorce/get back/have child/separate for 3 years … Everything was going fine then BOOM – We have a small argument because I refused to do something I wasn’t comfortable with and she totally changed … AGAIN! I played my part by answering back which angered her even more … then I listened to a few stories about her from somebody we both knew and sent her a few abusive texts because of the turmoil it caused … not the cleverest thing I’ve ever done, trust me! It was always a problem in our past relationships, dumping me at the drop of a hat, always my fault, always me begging and pleading to ‘give it another go’ even when I had been wronged. Some of the things she did to me were absolutely disgusting … the last one making me homeless 170 miles away from my home town. Now she’s ignoring me again, when she’s not she’s telling me she doesn’t love me (5 days after she was talking about marriage and how much she loves me) … it left me in a right mess, confused, sad, angry, upset, devastated …. AGAIN! I have a 5 year old son with her and I want him in my life … would she respond to no contact? I’ve hardly contacted her in the last few days but I’m missing our son greatly. I messaged her about seeing him and she told me ‘ok but there’s no chance between us’ … Do narcissists respond to no contact even when it’s them implementing it first? Or will I have to be the one to contact her first? This is breaking my heart, any help appreciated 🙂 Thank you

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 31, 2016

    Hi Paul. I am sorry for what you’re going through, although I can relate. When it comes to our son, I wouldn’t advise leaving all the control with her as to whether or not you can see your son. If you don’t have a custody agreement in place, that’s the first thing you’ll want to do. If you do have one,make sure you stick to it very stringently-meaning don’t miss any visitation.

    By the way, what she’s doing isn’t really No Contact,but a form of rejection and Silent Treatment designed to punish you for standing up for yourself. Document all the times you tried to reach her and if she won’t allow you to see your son, go straight to the courthouse and file custody papers. You can do that on your own, but it would be a good idea to get a lawyer if you can afford it.

    Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
      Paul January 31, 2016

      Thank you Kim! She uses the silent treatment a lot and it’s always me who caves in. She contacted me a few hours ago regarding the ‘problem stories’ from our mutual friend. I haven’t replied as it’s not related to my son … I want to, don’t get me wrong but I’m trying my hardest not to 🙁 I don’t know if it’s for the best or not? Anyway, thanks again, I have a bit more clarity now. Paul 🙂

      Reply
        Bethany January 31, 2016

        hi Paul ? I’m sorry to hear about your story , I keep having to remind myself that not all narcs are men ! Women too! My ex and I separated again Christmas Day just gone, we have a son together and it makes the burden of it all simply impossible ! He has used the silent treatment throughout the 3 and a bit years I h e been entagled with him and every time we split the silent treatment hits me like no other kind of abuse , and they do it for that effect . You should stay firm and ignore your ex , it’s a tactic to get u to respond an give her some attention . Remember any attention or communication they thrive for X Beth

        Reply
          Kim Saeed February 1, 2016

          Precisely, Beth! Thanks for the vote of confidence for Paul <3

          Reply
          Bethany February 1, 2016

          Thank you Kim ❤️ I have had to really mean to myself the last 4 weeks that I need to heal from relationship with my ex. I took your advice from one of your posts and have been listening to binaural beats sessions to help with my healing . I’m feeling a lot lighter now , still having an off moment thinking of my ex and how I still love him but I’m hoping now this will fade x

          Reply
        Carol January 7, 2017

        Yes Paul I am just now getting out of a telstionship with a sociopath/narc. I won’t go into too much detail. We were together seven years. A nightmare. Two of those years we lived by his mother. She is exactly like her son. Those two years were the very worst I developed PTSD for awhile. She lived next door and I know they talked about me hateful they fed off each other and his abuse and mind tricks escalated. Whenever I wanted to break up it was impossible suicide threats love bombing Over the last year he became friends with the neighbor. She inherited a house and this is when the discard phase was brutal and cold blooded. He secured his source by using me. Back and forth. I knew when her father passed something was amiss his personality changed drastically. Then I saw the full force of the narcicism. No love bombing. Pure hatred. 7 years of believing he loved me. For a couple of years I knew he was a sociopath. This was expected. Don’t be to be rude but the only reason I got tricked is because she is extremely fat and ugly no personality. That just showed me what he is really after. He is also an alcoholic and lives a parasitic lifestyle. Just want to say his mother manipulated betrayed and abused her men and women. One time my ex said she will take whatever she can use. Exactly like him just a female version it creepy. Needless to say after this terrible discard he has the nerve to start flirting with me now. It’s so fake so psychotic. He honestly in his mind I think. Thought all this was ok. His excuse is we fought to much move on. But that was his first time saying move on because he knew months before she inherited her fathers house and groomed her for over a year. Sick betrayal

        Reply
      John Gibson December 28, 2016

      Thank you, Kim, for answering Paul. I just happened upon another site and it was all about women being victims of a male narcissist. I, because of being involved in the community and church married a girl I met in a church campground. I did not know, she did not tell me, and her family did not tell me all the problems that had had with her. She would take the cake. She used to do one thing I notice that none of the authors even begin to tackle when it came to little children. First off, try to abort it. It that doesn’t work do everything you can to make it look like it died naturally. I am serious about this. Social Workers, Psychologists, Judges in Divorce court ordered this woman to stop bringing men in when she had our little girl who was six years old. She told them that was her constitutional right and they could not stop her. She now makes our son’s and daughter’s lives miserable to the extent they move every time she finds them. I have spent a small fortune trying to counteract this woman from hurting these children, but it seems to no avail. My daughter, especially, wants a mother, still, after years and years of counseling. You are the first person of the feminine gender to show compassion to a man. Where are all the others who write books? There are as many women who are narcissistic as there are men now. Hello, wake up world! I am truly thankful to you for acknowledging Paul, you are the first I have found. Even men counselors are not trained in this, they just diagnose the person with a histrionic, narcissistic personality disorder, charge the man thousands of dollars and throw it the courts. Will we see balance in my lifetime regarding this problem that exists in both sexes and information available for both men and women to spot this in a potential lover or marital problem? Our church does not recognize divorce, period. Divorce, you go to hell, that’s it, take it or leave it. I was one to leave it, but was treated like an outcast who had “sinned” until the narcissist began to show her behavior, then, many came and apologized profusely to me and my children. True. That is one reason and the children whom I have felt many times I overly compensated because their mother could not stop her infamous travels to exotic places with so many men, I cannot count them all because she was able to tap into my trust fund that happened to grow while we were married, take millions and live it up and she is probably broke financially but has found the next male who would have promiscuous sex with but would never go all the way and marry her and who will take her up on anything she may offer. She must take a trip at least every two weeks, sometimes a couple hundred miles, but with the divorce money, the world was the limit along with the men who went along for the sex and the money. Sorry, sounds like I hate her, hate is not the word. Every time, in my heart, I think I have come to the place where I could inwardly and truthfully bless her as an individual made in the image of God, she outdoes me. I could prove things she has done that would make every woman who reads your books hair curl and they would never have to visit a salon again. Thank you, for at least showing some balance that there are women out there who can make someone’s life a living hell too.

      Reply
    Anna December 29, 2016

    They use the kids , mine did . get her into court and establish custody and visitation . That child just became a weapon for her to get to you.

    Reply
Healing January 30, 2016

Hi everyone,
One of the very hardest things I am dealing with is coming to terms with is that the wonderful caring guy I thought my N was at the start (12 yrs, with a child to him) probably never actually existed. I still grieve for that ‘person’, it’s very hard.

Reply
    paige sullivan October 20, 2016

    I found that the hardest part as well. 16 years and two kids in total. It gets easier and better. Its been 18 months since i kicked him out and i am slowly starting to rediscover who i am again…a quote that has helped me……she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her
    away…she adjusted her sails.

    Reply
ToWanda January 29, 2016

After two months of no contact, which is the longest I’ve made it, he emailed me. I have not responded but this hovering act gets me thinking about him much more than usual. Two weeks ago I was a mess knowing the two month mark was coming and I felt in my heart that him and I would never speak again. I let those feelings pass, worked through them and didn’t break NC and when I finally felt better ugh moving on- he emails me saying that some guy sent him emails between me and this mystery guy and asks me to please make it stop. The things my ex comes up with is almost borderline hallucinations, stories no normal person would come up with. Of course it makes me feel good knowing he is probably thinking about me and it feeds my ego a bit, but I’m sure he’s just trying to manipulate and gain control since we haven’t spoken in months. I wish I could just know, however I know he hasn’t changed one bit. I don’t want to be with him but I still hope that one day he will get well. He has an alcohol problem which I believe breeds his narcissism- this is not an excuse- this is the reality. I know I can’t help him anymore but I do wish he could man up and tell me why he really is emailing me. I have him
Blocked in all outlets of communication but he made a new email this time. I’m so sick of the mind fu**ery and the games. He’s 9 years older and I’m the adult here…he is akin to a child mentally…so sad. I’m grateful I am where I am today because a year ago I would have responded to him immediately and would have done anything to see him. This email proved to me that I have changed and that’s amazing- maybe that’s why I got it- a universal sign that I’m on the right track. Anyways, NC is the best way to go, but boy it is hard to not respond when they reach out.

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 31, 2016

    Hi ToWanda. I can relate to your struggles. They truly don’t give up in most cases…I personally got rid of an email I’d had for about 18 years for that very reason. Stopped the out-of-the-blue emails so I could get on with my life, which I did 🙂

    Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
    NICOLE October 16, 2016

    He will NEVER get better, The alcohol does NOT cause him to have NPD. It only makes it harder for him to hide it. The mask slips when he is drunk.

    Reply
Beth January 22, 2016

Hello Kim and everyone here :0) I was forced to apply contact to my ex narc as he assaulted me I front of our little son when he came to pick him up last week. It was terrifying and an ordeal that wouldn’t wish on anybody. Our relationship ended on Christmas Day 2015 when I had to ask him to leave my house as his behaviour was intolerable I was accused of ruining Christmas being selfish and lazy , I’m nuts and all manner or insults. Prior to this two nights before I pulled him up on a telephone convo he had who I believed to be 100% another woman . I’ve had 3 years of this abuse, the twisted realities of my world and his. I will never know how many women he slept with behind my back. And the emotional abuse has been exhausting . I am taking steps now to regain my life, I have chronic anxiety and feel like wreck but this website and others are the light at the end of the tunnel for me x

Reply
chankla2 January 15, 2016

You can’t control people, places or things only your own reaction to the situation….
N/C!!!
New Year, New Beginning make it about getting bk to YOU….
You’re worth it..,
“:”

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Candy January 13, 2016

I do I know for sure if my ex-husband is a narcissist? We were married for 25 years. He is definitely selfish and materialistic. I used to think he was gay, because we rarely had sex. He wanted the divorce, but I moved out. Almost immediately after I moved out he started seeing a woman who I considered a friend. They announced their relationship via FB. I was broken. Everyone tells me that they were having an affair, even though both deny it, and that she gave him an ultimatum. I did No Contact immediately. I am also the one who filed for divorce. He really never did any hoovering, he never asked me to go back to him, and he seems to be happy and with this same woman now for almost a year. How can I tell if he is a narcissist or if it is just mid-life crisis?

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 14, 2016

    Hi Candy, thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. That’s a very common question that you present…and my perspective is that whether he’s a narcissist or just “having a mid-life crisis” isn’t really what needs to be examined. Ultimately, he has broken trust, lied, and cheated. While he does fit the profile of a Narc from your very brief description, I would venture to say that even if he was having a mid-life crisis, he has proven that he cares nothing for your welfare and his mistreatment of you is unacceptable. In my own journey, I found that once I stopped analyzing my Ex and his relationship crimes and turned my focus onto myself, that’s when I truly began to make progress. Wishing you all the very best in your healing journey <3

    Reply
Mobus January 11, 2016

I had a long distance relationship with a NARC. I called him out on his BS and he would give me the silent treatment for 7-14 days at a time. He would contact me and expect me to be upset and I acted like I wasn’t. He didn’t get a reaction from me. He asked me if I saw us together or a future with him, and I told him NO because he was mean, malicious and not a nice person.(and since he wanted me hooked on him emotionally, and I wasnt) I tested him and then said.. But if you’d like to be “friends with benefits” I’m all for that , since that’s all we’ve got. He then said.. Oh I see,your ok with that because there is no emotions involved. I said, exactly. Well needless to say, he discarded me after that conversation which I was OK with, because it was the easier way out, without aggravation and without my having to sleep with one eye open. I was quite relieved!! And then went NC and have been since.

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Kate January 8, 2016

This is a log of events I’ve been writing down Re my narc sociopathic ex bf. What a horrible experience IT was. Please leave your opinions as im im trying to work through what’s happened. I’m 96% over the “beast” i will never acknowledge such a pig again in my life. These events have been going on since the end of November (the break up) untill last week.

Things were going amazing up
until about 7 weeks ago.
I sent him a message saying “hey how are you?” I got a response back saying Foff, why the F are you texting me etc. (this was out of the blue btw)
I told him I was upset as a relative had died and he said he doesn’t give a ….. And for me to go and die.
That was the end of the relationship there and then.
I was doing well untill la i started to get messages off him saying to “jump off a building, set myself on fire, die, kill myself, that im worthless, ugly, beneath his shoe, that he never wanted me, that he was using me etc. I (unfortunately) retaliated with anger and said a lot back.
He then wanted me to apologize to him (ha)
My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue.
I called him up ago and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. Telling me he can do what he likes, doesn’t need to ans to anyone and will never change.
He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again.
I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex.
I’ve changed my number now and am doing amazingly well. I feel this man is a bully and manipulator and I don’t care what happens to him.
The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I’ve got everything in my life going for me and I cannot understand why I’ve allowed this treatment. I allowed this man to bully me.
Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this?
I guess I’m asking this as he made everything to be my fault. I’m so glad I’ve found out how he is sooner rather than later.
Thanks guys ??? xx
Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond.
If I said something I didn’t like agreed with he would block/unblock me again and talk like normal again.
The past 3 weeks have been hard, being called names like , telling me he was talking to other woman the whole time, that I was a piece of and he was only using me, shouting at me when my alarm went off in the morning, telling me he didn’t give a damn about me yet kept seeinh each other.
Always making out I was in the wrong.
Why I allowed it, God knows.
I think I got so used to his behaviour
I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was.
I feel like this is all my fault. Even though I’ve gotten rid of his number and changed mine im actually worried that he will get in touch some way again as he knows where I live.
fter reading comments on here, I went strict NC.
He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc.
2 days before xmas he showed up. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults.
The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc.
I said you have 10 mins to say what you need to and then please leave and that I didn’t want him in the house. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Telling me how disrespectful I am, that he doesn’t care etc. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. I told him please leave as your scaring me and I’ll call the police. He said “do you think me spending time in prison will change anything as i still come out alive”.
He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying.
Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police.
He was saying “Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while I’m sitting here so calm” it shows how pathetic you are.
Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems.
He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. The said he didn’t spit on me.
Telling me he never liked me and didn’t give a damn. Then apologized to me over and over saying sorry, we slept together as I was too mentally drained to say no and scared.
He would not leave the house and didn’t until the next day.
i messaged him last week as I had cauht an Sti, he said its from me, went mad trying to call I wouldn’t pick up. Told me he would call the police as I was Harassing him (ha) and said he’d come to my work and Id be sorry. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. (He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond) then blocked me again and I did to finally.
I’m 95% over him but I called him a narc and exposed him to his face.
If he comes back in my life I will cry,
I can’t believe that someone so vile and toxic was in my life and that I allowed it.

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    Deb October 15, 2016

    I hear you loud and clear. I have heard those exact words, seen those exact words. Even have the holes in my walls. For the past 3 or so years however, I have not cared about his opinion of me. I know he is wrong so therefore i don’t value his opinion. I’m very aware when he is attempting to emotionally manipulate me trying to have his own way. I diligently stick to my guns and remind myself what he is up to. He fully fits the covert narcissist, however, I am a bit confused whether there is a third type because he also has many traits which belong to overt narcissists. I believe that the reason people allow themselves to be treated like this is, for me anyway, that we are flabbergasted by the unsanitary and just can’t believe anyone can really act this way an truly have no regret. And truly believe it’s justified or exceptable.

    Reply
    char February 8, 2017

    Kate I can only pray you are far away from him. I fear he will seriously harm you.

    Reply
Kate January 8, 2016

This is my story that I’ve documented for the past 2-3 months. I have written it on all down on a blog so it’s dating from the end of November to last week. Have a read and let me know your thoughts on this “creature”

Things were going amazing up
until about 7 weeks ago.
I sent him a message saying “hey how are you?” I got a response back saying Foff, why the F are you texting me etc. (this was out of the blue btw)
I told him I was upset as a relative had died and he said he doesn’t give a ….. And for me to go and die.
That was the end of the relationship there and then.
I was doing well untill la i started to get messages off him saying to “jump off a building, set myself on fire, die, kill myself, that im worthless, ugly, beneath his shoe, that he never wanted me, that he was using me etc. I (unfortunately) retaliated with anger and said a lot back.
He then wanted me to apologize to him (ha)
My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue.
I called him up and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. Telling me he can do what he likes, doesn’t need to ans to anyone and will never change.
He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again.
I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex.
I’ve changed my number now and am doing amazingly well. I feel this man is a bully and manipulator and I don’t care what happens to him.
The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I’ve got everything in my life going for me and I cannot understand why I’ve allowed this treatment. I allowed this man to bully me.
Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this?
I guess I’m asking this as he made everything to be my fault. I’m so glad I’ve found out how he is sooner rather than later.
Thanks guys ??? xx
Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond.
If I said something I didn’t like agreed with he would block/unblock me again and talk like normal again.
The past fee weeks have been hard, being called names like whore , telling me he was talking to other woman the whole time, that I was a piece of crap,and he was only using me, shouting at me when my alarm went off in the morning, telling me he didn’t give a damn about me yet kept seeinh each other.
Always making out I was in the wrong.
Why I allowed it, God knows.
I think I got so used to his behaviour
I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was.
I feel like this is all my fault. Even though I’ve gotten rid of his number and changed mine im actually worried that he will get in touch some way again as he knows where I live.
after reading comments on here, I went strict NC.
He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc.
2 days before xmas he showed up. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults.
The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc.
I said you have 10 mins to say what you need to and then please leave and that I didn’t want him in the house. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Telling me how disrespectful I am, that he doesn’t care etc. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. I told him please leave as your scaring me and I’ll call the police. He said “do you think me spending time in prison will change anything as i still come out alive”.
He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying.
Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police.
He was saying “Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while I’m sitting here so calm” it shows how pathetic you are.
Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems.
He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. The said he didn’t spit on me. Telling me he never liked me and didn’t give a damn.
He would not leave the house and didn’t until the next day.
i messaged him last week as I had cauht an Sti, he said its from me, went mad trying to call I wouldn’t pick up. Told me he would call the police as I was Harassing him (ha) and said he’d come to my work and Id be sorry. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. (He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond) then blocked me again and I did to finally.
I’m 95% over him but I called him a narc and exposed him to his face.
If he comes back in my life I will cry,
I can’t believe that someone so vile and toxic was in my life and that I allowed it.

Reply
Kathy Finn January 4, 2016

Ten years divorced later. When he and his 25 year younger wife that he left me for argue he’ll call to check on grown kids. I say yes/no/maybe and end convo. Remember they never have remorse or grow up. They need constant attention and accolades. Makes me wonder who else he has on speed dial for getting his feel like god vibes. No contact is best.

Reply
chankla2 January 3, 2016

Live&let live…. Let them live their lives as they choose, they Don’t change!!!
Your own happiness is what matters!!!
N/C only way to go
*)

Reply
rambler90@gmail.com January 2, 2016

Anon,

May I ask why you allow her to have access to you? I apologize if I dont recall your full story. But as much as this episode of hoovering, for the most part, left me unperturbed, I am kicking myself a little for letting the block lapse, believing he’d have enough self-respect and shame to stay gone. We need to make ourselves totally unavailable to these people. If you leave any door open you may find that you’re actually hoping to be hovered, as some sort of proof that they’re thinking of you or they care.

Another part of me is glad that his text got through. It only reaffirmed what I already know and sometimes hate to admit. He’s sick and he will never change–because he can’t if he wanted to. So in a way it was a blessing, because I have a tendency to get sentimental. And I bet that’s why he waited until the holidays to reach out–hoping to catch me in a weak moment. I see now, in his mind, we’re still in a relationship. I’m his and he sees it as just a matter of time before I ‘come to my senses’.

Block your number and change your email. Please.

Reply
    Anonymous January 2, 2016

    Hi Rambler, thank you very much for the reply. It’s been rough. I gotta admit. I think you said it best…I am almost hoping to be hoovered. 🙂 I miss her. plain and simple. It’s been 3 months since she moved on to another source. Even though I miss her, I know it’s completely unhealthy for me mentally to keep letting her contact me. I am trying my hardest to get away though. At times it feels like that movie where a guy was hiking and his arm was caught between a boulder and a rock wall…before he died, he sawed through his arm with a dull knife so he could escape and live. and he did. I feel like that lately. I am trying to cut her off…but, it’s hard. The good news is that I think it’s almost over. I just want her to leave me alone to grieve….but, I haven’t completely cut off her emails…texts. So, that’s my fault. But, soon, I am going to just be so over it all, that I will block everything. I worry that she might get a little nutty if I do… I am just unsure of everything now a’ days. I am not confident self anymore. 🙁

    Reply
    Anon January 2, 2016

    Hi Rambler, I wish I knew. I miss her. You’re right though… I half hope she does hoover me sometimes. I have lost so much self confidence from it lately. She just takes from me and moves on to the next source. I need to get away.

    Reply
      Bradley January 3, 2016

      Hi Anon….I’ve been there. Sounds like you have the right perspective though. You know what you have to do. I can tell you this….some 70+ days into NC….it works. Every day/week gets easier….the emotional and chemical attachment fades. Believe it. and quite quickly you find the focus of your energy (with some work on your part) will turn to you…..it is now all about you. Ensure that it is. Make it so. But you have to block ALL methods of contact…take that step. It provides freedom and peace of mind, After blocking…you stop wondering…waiting…obsessing….and you start to move on….believe it. I am living it.
      Block everything. Focus on you.
      Stay strong.

      Reply
        rambler90@gmail.com January 3, 2016

        Anon,

        I know it’s tough to break away, but you have to start somewhere. By now I”m sure you know that she will never change, and she will always keep pulling you back. So you have to be the one to draw the line. Like Bradley says, it’s hard, but it does work. Eventually their hold on you fades and you start to remember who you were before you got sucked in. I went back hoping that he had changed–he pretended that he had–but it was the same BS. It’s a new year; great time for a new start. Good luck.

        Reply
          Anon January 3, 2016

          Thanks everyone for all the helpful thoughts. It’s been a rough last few days. It’s really helped. 🙂 I blocked her on my phone, but then she just emailed me an hour ago “thinking about you”. ha! yeah right. Why do they try so hard to keep you pulled in??

          Reply
          rambler90@gmail.com January 3, 2016

          You have to change your number and your email address. It’s THAT serious. I blocked him on my email and he created a new email address so he could get through.

          Why do they do it? Because when they see you trying to break away they NEED to reel you back in to soothe their ego and they get scared that your rejection means they are not worthy. I believe he values me over his ex or whomever. I know I’m the one he wants, but he doesnt know how to have a normal relationship. He lies, manipulates, triangulates–all so he can appear desired by others, and the smartest, most spiritual, most everything–so I will look at him as a God and never leave him.

          After we broke up, I figured out that’s what he was doing and why (among other reasons Im sure), I thought that if he knew that I understood him and still loved him, he would relax with his antics and stop being stupid, but it didnt work. He tried harder the second time around, but the inevitable fights started. I got tired of hearing him preach all the time, trying to tell me what to do like I wasn’t an adult. Beating me down with his opinions and theories and his expertise on relationships every time we fought. The more we argued the more he saw himself diminishing in me eyes. So he tried to diminish ME. They lash out like that.

          When we broke up (caught him in a lie, finally) and confronted him and he turned on me. He worked so hard to convince me I was imagining things, then he berated me. When none of that worked and I couldnt be swayed, he started in on the emotional/verbal abuse–putting down my career path, telling me I was a focused person..then breaking into tears about some random childhood story about how no one in his family believed him. All this in one fight! And i finally saw it clearly, for the first time, each tactic, one by one, one after another. I was floored. I left.

          He called and tried to berate me about how he does everything for the relationship; I do nothing. He’s tired, he’s done. I hung up in his face mid-sentence and never spoke to him again. He started calling after he realized i wasn’t going to call to make up with him, like always. He started harassing me calling me the very things I accused him of. He didnt want to be with me either, I’m this, I’m that.

          Now seven months later this hoovering crap. Now we’re soulmates again. Can we make amends? REALLY? F**CK OFF. But he doesn’t even deserve that response. I’ll never break NC. And I know he’s dying inside to be rejected by ME, his prize ‘possession.’

          Moral of that story is they are full of it. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

          Reply
          Anon January 4, 2016

          Well, she tried really hard today. Lot’s of crazy emails after I told her to stay away from me. And, it’s my fault, I blocked her phone number and texts, but didn’t block her email. So, she blows that up instead. Then, has the audacity to ask me to give her money. When, I refuse and laugh about “why I would give her money when she is with another guy”, she loses it and say “she” is breaking it off with me. Somehow, I suspect, if I leave her email open, she will try the whole thing again. I have been blind folks. But, now, when her mask is slipping, I am getting that I was just used in so many different ways. I have been trying to move on for some time, but she gets mad and blames me for everything. It’s funny, that I would have the opposite reaction. I would be sweet and nice and loving, if I was trying to win back a trustworthy and quality ex-girlfriend. I wouldn’t be threatening and nutty. She broke up with me for another guy! I don’t even understand what’s going through her mind. I thought when you swing from one branch to the other one without letting go,…once you grab onto that next branch…you DO let go of the old one. She used to parade old ex-boyfriends out for me to show how crazy they were. When you read them, you can see them shaking their head’s, they called her “toxic”. Back then, i sympathized with her. Now…I get it. She is. 16 different boyfriends in 10 years. Should have been a red flag. lol. Lost her virginity at 14. Whoa. Was trying to get into a sugar daddy relationship recently. I told her, here’s an idea? “Get a real job like the rest of us?” Oh, she didn’t like that. hehe Ugh, the problem is that when she turns the personality on, it can really fool you…and she is very cute and charming when she wants to be and very beautiful on the outside. From now on, I want older women that are okay looking, but absolutely beautiful on the inside. 🙂

          Reply
anon January 2, 2016

Actually, I got just the opposite. Absent of hoovering over the holidays because she was “busy with family”….haha. meaning busy with her new boyfriend. I am sure when Monday rolls around and he has to go back to work..I will get hoovered again for money, help, emotional support. All while I am back at work as well. She sits home and gets bored after grad school ends at 1:00…or she is not seeing her rich banker supporter…and they hoovering on me will commence. 🙁

Reply
    Anonymous January 7, 2016

    My advice…when she emails or texts “thinking about you” and you want to write something back, just call her out on her BS. I got to the point where I would simply say, “OK, what do you need” and refuse to let the person talk around it. The excuses would flow and I would block them with truth. Eventually, my person couldn’t win – couldn’t get me to cave and pretend there was no elephant in the room (his lack of true feelings for me). His pity party died out and that PISSED him off….this results in being cut out of their lives for a period of time…good! More time to get over them. I save the exchanges so when I feel like I miss the person, I read their BS excuses and realize what a dirtbag I was duped into thinking I loved. Wasn’t love. Won’t call what I experienced love.

    Reply
rambler90@gmail.com January 2, 2016

I wonder if anyone here has experienced the holiday hoover? I was sure this a*hole was gone forever, when – boom- a text on NYE declaring himself my soulmate and he mine and hoping things could resolve or some dumb sh*t like that. He’s back on the block list! I didnt change my number when we broke up this time because my children memorized it finally after having to change my old number. I blocked him, but the block expired and I didnt bother to renew it because I was sure he was gone. These people really dont go awa, do they??

And just for sh*ts and giggles, I go to his ex’s page–the one he kept in the middle of our relationship for triangulation purposes–and there she is with a public protestation of her love for him. I wanted to throw up. How could anyone who’s known for any substantial period of time possibly believe in him in any way? It boggles the mind. It’s like some sick world that he lives in with his victims. It’s really disturbing. And the sad part is, I believe that HE believes I am his soulmate (he’s one of those Ns that idealizes ‘true love’). I dont know if that’s because under that psychosis there is some recognition of what he had, or the fact that I cut him off makes him want me more. It’s just nuts..and I’m glad I’m gone.

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chankla2 December 28, 2015

KIM IS CORRECT ! MALE/FEMALE NARCS THYRE HOLLOW, INSECURE, USERS, PERIOD….
THEY CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED YOU
CAN’T FILL THE EMPTY HOLE INSIDE
THEM, PERIOD…
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY GO FOR
SUPPLY AFTER SUPPLY?????
N/C !!!! ANY ATTN TO THEM? YOU’RE IN THEIR GAME, THEY WIN!!!!!
REMEMBER THEY DON’T FEEL THRE
IS NO DEPTH TO THEM. THYRE LIKE REVOLVING DOORS, SPINNING ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!
FORCE YOURSELF TO MOVE FORWARD, THEY ARE ALWAYS GNG
FORWARD TO GET ANY NEEDS MET!!!
ACCEPTANCE THAT THEY DON’T GIVE A RATS A** ABT US IS THE HARDEST BITE TO SWALLOW, TRUTH….
IT WILL COME BK AROUND ON THEM…
N/C ONLY WAY, THEY DISCARDED&USED US….
STRENGTH!!!
RINSE&REPEAT THAT’S THE NARC..
THEY’RE NOT AS HAPPY&SETTLED AS YOU PERCEIVE…
‘)

Reply
Kim Saeed December 27, 2015

Gracias , deseándole el mejor año en el 2016 ! 🙂

Reply
David December 26, 2015

He, he, he.
Yes the narcissist is always a he.

Thanks for perpetuating this notion, further traumatizing male victims, making it more difficult for males to find support and empathy, contributing to the “guilty until proven innocent” battle that makes who have been accused of abuse (often by female narcissists) face, and emboldening female narc abusers.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 27, 2015

    On the contrary, David…I have written several articles about female narcissists and frequently work with male clients. In fact, I’m working on an eBook for male victims of narcissistic abuse. So I beg to differ that I am emboldening female narcs.

    Reply
      Anon December 27, 2015

      Hi Kim,

      I definitely agree that narcissists can also be female. I have been stuck in a long distance relationship with a female narcissist for almost two years now. I have paid her rent for an entire year and bought her so many expensive things. I have always been there when she needed anything. She is devastatingly attractive. She wanted me to move to where she lives a few months ago, but something inside me wasn’t ready to make that commitment. maybe a 6th sense or something. I did travel to see her many times. With her, it’s always, about HER. What she needs. Why I am bad or wrong. She needs material things. needs inhuman emotional support. She is flirty. She is really good at lying. All she talks about is how pretty she is…and how other women and men tell her how pretty she is. She literally makes jokes about all the guys around her that hit on her to me. In any event, she broke off our relationship about 3 months ago, for another guy. Same profession as me. younger than me. But, somehow……somehow…kept me on the hook for 3 months as her “friend” trying to win her back. Still helping her with money and material things. I look back and just want to smack myself. I liked her. I thought I loved her for awhile. Very fun personality. Very charming. Great in bed! I mean, like unreal great. She even goes to lunch weekly with another really rich guy that just pays her money to be with her. It’s crazy. It’s all so toxic. But, the crazy thing….is that I feel anxiety and I miss her. I miss our conversations and sex and relationship. I don’t love her…maybe I did for awhile. But, I miss her. Have been literally chewing my arm off trying to get myself away from her over the last 3 months. I can’t believe how hard it is to just say no. I tell her to leave me alone and not to contact me…she will then wait a few hours or a day or two…then email me or text me something sweet to rope me back in again. It’s like I am on a merry-go-round and can’t get off. I just blocked her number..yet again a few minutes ago. Maybe I will stay stronger this time.

      Reply
Sandra December 23, 2015

So true, love your posts,
Always on time when I’m searching for answers, mine was just sentenced to a year for his behavior, hate that I’ve taken him back so many times, always looking for the real, nice guy in him ,the one I met, but I now know that was his mask, I’m just glad I got out alive!!!!

Reply
Anonymous December 5, 2015

I work with a guy I have slept with for the past year. I had strong feelings for him. I thought we had a future. He is single, so am I. We had a great time together, laughed, traveled. Looking back he was hot and cold though, and after realizing he was seeing other people, etc and researching I’ve realized that he’s a narcissist. The build up, devalue, discard and all of that fits how he acts. He hasn’t had an actual girlfriend in 15 years. He’s a player. I fell for him.
Embarrassingly, I’m still very physically attracted to him. I don’t see him every day but we communicate often because of work and we travel monthly to the same events and are in hotels together. He now flirts very heavily with other women we work with in front of me often, close talking, touching them, their faces, lips. He’s extremely attractive and women are all over him. I know for sure he’s sleeping with other people. (Yes we use protection and yes I know that’s not fool proof) I can’t do no contact obviously because of work, and I feel like a complete failure when I sleep with him. I go into every trip with a clear head and fail every time. I know he wins when I do this. It’s very painful to see someone you still have feelings for touching, flirting, working on other women. I feel so jealous. I hate that I do. The connection I felt with him isn’t gone yet. I want it to be. He still makes me laugh, etc. I feel like he’s pushing my buttons all the time if that makes sense. I know sleeping with him is only maintaining the connection – as unhealthy as it is. I’m working my way towards letting go. I know I’ll be happy when I do. I realize it’s in my control to change. I’m having a hard time being disciplined and I feel terrible about myself. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence completely over this last year. I fell for him hard, now that I realize what he is and what this is doing to me I’m struggling to get out. I have no idea why it’s taking me so long. I wish I didn’t have to see him, that would make things so much easier.
So that’s the situation – what I would like are words of encouragement. I know the smart thing to do. I do believe I will get to the other side. I realize what an idiot I’m being.

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 5, 2015

    Hi Anon! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. No judgement here and you’re definitely NOT an idiot. Sex is actually one of the ways they keep us hooked into the toxic relationship. In fact, they TRY to keep us in the bed. For them, it’s a way to keep themselves occupied and entertained, but for us, it promotes deep bonding and attachment. Obviously, the first thing you’ll want to do is stop being intimate with him so your body and psyche can stop bonding you to him. Then, try going Grey Rock. It will be hard to do, obviously, but it’s the only chance you have for survival. In fact, some people in your position seek other career opportunities. Hope that helps…keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Reply
    Bradley December 5, 2015

    Hi Anon,

    Gender roles reversed …but my situation very, VERY closely mirrors yours (no N pun intended).
    Kim’s advice is spot on…again. Right down to the role or job function option being explored fully. I, too, have the work trip/co-worker issue.

    My encouragement looks like this. You are doing research, and found this website. You are now educated and educating further. You know what you have to do. Know what you are dealing with. Your reading and education likely has shown you…you KNOW where this leads and how it ends.
    Your choice is simply…WHEN ? Your N will not end it…..they have the best of all worlds…..have their cake and eat it too. Have you when they want…..and then you come back when they lack NS elsewhere, after disappearing. Or after rubbing your face in their other supply….its harsh.

    You deserve better. You deserve a trusting, open and honest relationship. You deserve to be happy and content and confident in your partner. You CAN and WILL find this in another partner.

    Your situation will not get better, nor resolved, until YOU take action. And it sounds like you are ready to do so. It’s tough…and I am only 40-something days into NC….but give yourself a break….some mental ” free space” to look at things. NC brings such perspective. Hard days…for sure…..but every day gets better. And in fact brings peace from the madness and anxiety you are likely experiencing. The waiting. The pining. The wondering. The self-doubt.

    Give yourself a break….do as Kim instructs. Try it…change the game.

    From what you wrote….you are very close to “putting you first”. Try it. I have seen this quote so many times in my research…..and it is so simple and true…..”Do not allow yourself to be someone else’s option while making them your priority.”

    Love yourself and be happy. You are NOT alone.

    Reply
      chankla2 December 5, 2015

      Amen!!
      it will come BK around on the NARC
      its about US, healing…
      N/C is absolutely the way to go, period…
      Strength for all on this new path….

      Reply
    chankla2 December 5, 2015

    here’s your encouragement w/a dose of reality…..
    THYRE Not players THYRE Users!!!!!!!
    what THYRE saying&doing to you? THYRE doing to many, fact.
    Any ATTN from anybody is better than none to NARCS guy/girl any age, fact.
    Think of the crumbs they throw, you eat it up like its the best steak you’ve ever tasted, fact.
    Any engagement w/them youre in the game, only they win, ego boost!!!!!
    you see actually youre in control of you, until you’re ready? YOULL play, believe, hang on&inevitably be hurt each time…
    read these sites, pray, meditate, exercise, cry whatever it takes to start getting BK to you!!!!
    they don’t care, feel you’re an object, their supply, BK up etc….
    N/C is only path to healing….
    YOULL look BK soon&see how mch time youve wasted, use this as a time to get strong… Don’t Settle!!!!!!!
    I wasted 7yrs ex bf NARC an I got the short end of the stick for sure… I deserve better, lesson learned!!!!
    its ABT you, Not them….
    they Don’t change, supply, ego, ATTN seeking, self absorbed evryday 24 7….
    blessings, courage , strength to make a better life for you…!!!!!!!!!!
    as far as S***? ya its good but thres better, the whole person, a real relationship…. THATS the Big *O* right there….
    Hang Tight!!!
    how people treat us, is a reflection of self….

    Reply
      Anonymous January 7, 2016

      spot on…they’re not players…they are users!

      Reply
    Lyle Spillman December 20, 2015

    Something that helped me tremendously, the person you fell in love with does not exist. All they show is a carefully constructed image. Like a character in a movie.
    When you see him think of a hollow man with nothing inside but envy, rage and jealousy. They have no normal feelings that hold them back.
    Peace be with you, there is a good man waiting for a good woman to love and care for. Grey rock this guy and make room for that good man.

    Reply
      Anonymous January 7, 2016

      You’ve said it perfectly. It does take a while to realize that you can’t trust your perception, and this realization is what can kill your self-confidence. I’m printing your words to reflect on myself.

      Reply
    Anonymous January 7, 2016

    That is just a hearbreaking account of what you are experiencing. I know it’s real because I have my own version. You are a normal person who developed feelings for someone. You would expect that with all of the time you spend together and the physical intimacy that you share, your partner would have caring feelings for you, too. That would be “normal.” Sadly, this person is broken. He’s not able to be fixed because he doesn’t see a problem to fix. It’s true that your feelings of love for him will be sucked into a well of emptiness. I know what it feels like to have your confidence plummet to nothing- when I realized the lies I was fed for so long, I doubted my every decision. Every decision was overwhelming. I thought, “I must not be worth much. This person only takes and does not give.” The best advice I have is to start to focus on yourself- return to a hobby or sport your loved or pick up a new one. Get out and get busy- away from him. Don’t spend time alone with him even when traveling- no lunches, no walks to meetings – nothing. Be pleasant when you cross paths but don’t engage him on a personal level. Mine would say…”Oh, so formal now”…then I would feel bad and fall right back into the bullshit. Don’t feel bad. Do what I ultimately did- smile and say “not at all” but keep on moving. Glimpses of my old self are returning after six months of trying to pull myself together. Now, when I think of him my stomach turns. It’s when I see him that I weaken, so I intentionally avoid situations where that may happen. If he texts a random photo – which he shouldn’t because there’s no reason to- I now think “that’s his attempt to manipulate me” and delete it right away. Don’t feel guilty or stupid or ashamed. You thought you were dealing with someone who had the capacity to care for others, as most people do. Unfortunately, you weren’t. Wishing you the best.

    Reply
    Kay January 13, 2016

    You are not an idiot. You are human and have REAL feelings where this narc does not. I was with one 6 yrs and then married ( bad mistake) and am now divorcing him. Every time you give into this guy you lose a piece of yourself.. The reason you feel he’s pushing your buttons is because he IS. And.. I’m sorry but he’s laughing at your being played. He throws you crumbs to keep you hooked. Those crumbs will become l ess and less until there is nothing left of you. Do you remember when you were happy?? Now? Confused. Disrespected. Lied to. Manipulated. It only gets worse — the more abuse ( yes it is abuse) you allow /accept – the more he will dish out. PLEASE have some self respect — you deserve to be treated like a Queen… NOT a convenient doormat. The “old” guy will not return. This IS the guy he’s been all along. USER. It took me 3 yrs to get up the courage to leave my narc husband. It was hard. Kept praying for a miracle. He turned his entire family against me with his lies. Now ?? I am FREE — I am NOT confused.. My self confidence is back. And I will NEVER allow anyone to treat me like a piece of crap on their shoe again. It happened VERY slowly…til I woke up one day and wondered what the Hell happened.. They are mentally disordered — RUN and never look back. If you stay?? He will destroy you.

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      Skye March 6, 2017

      I wish there was a like button, so true! Exactly my experience as well.

      I said in the beginning that the good outweighed the bad and I know that there was no way that I could have left but over time – I was with him 14 months, 3 days 11 hours lol – there was absolutely nothing good left, he systematically killed everything we had, and we had a lot. Most likely laughing at my pain behind my back the whole time because he was putting one over on me, that was his favourite thing – duping unsuspecting victims. How ridiculous is that really. The only way he could ever win was by cheating and catching people off guard. Big man.

      By the end of it I had lost my entire life but am happy to say that the moment I really let him go I got it all back. That was my saving grace, deciding that I could back track – go back to the time before I let him ruin me and I have and come out even better for it, absorbing some losses of course but I can tell you I will never take my life for granted again or EVER gamble with it.

      And I will trust my instincts and be not so trusting. Not a bad thing. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries and magical thinking. It’s ok but only if you are the one in the drivers seat of your life.

      Reply
    Phantommirage February 1, 2016

    He should NEVER have the last word.

    I am coping w/ a similar situation at work myself – the pain does feel like a hot knife everytime he jauntily strolls by. I just shut my mind out, but have to hold it until I reach a private room to cry & curse. I take responsibility for my decisions, but he’ll never acknowledge the trail of damage he left w/. What justice is there for the surviving vs. the perpetrator???

    Reply
Sara November 27, 2015

I really loved this. It helped me very much to stay right where I’m at. Safe and in peace : )

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    Kim Saeed November 28, 2015

    Wow, thank you for letting me know that, Sara! I’m happy to know it gave you a boost 🙂

    Reply
Bradley November 22, 2015

Thanks to all of you who have contributed to my recovery by posting your experiences and thoughts. Despite feeling “stronger” every day, and being 28 days (4 weeks !!) into serious and committed NC…I still find myself asking the question once in a while that led me to this website….again. Does she miss me ? How can she not ? One of the reasons I bookmarked this page is because the following words from Kim provided such insight and perspective to me…please allow me to cut and paste them here….
========================================
(from Kim)

What He Really Misses
•He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
•He misses not being able to be himself. He can’t do that with new supply.
•He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
•He misses having someone to mop off his stage, all while paying the bills.
•He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
•He misses being “God”.
•He misses not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. It’s all about their ego and having control. These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.
(end quote)
========================================
How true….for the last 4 months before I went NC, I was the doormat, the punching bag….pick your analogy. I’m still trying to understand how I let myself get treated that way. I believe I was slowly but methodically “conditioned” over time to have such low expectations and such low self-esteem…..I took it. And I hoped for a ” crumb” of attention to be thrown my way every once in while. But trust me….when she needed to unload on someone….vent some anger….I was number 1 on her list. First in line. Oh well…I guess the new supply gets to absorb and endure all of that abuse and negativity now…or it just builds up inside her…..and it will NOT be me who takes it when that emotional volcano erupts next time.

It doesn’t matter is she misses me….probably does not miss me at all. What DOES matter, is I am no longer the doormat, and no longer do I allow someone to be my priority, while allowing myself to be ” their option”.
Whether your N misses you or not is not the issue. Loving yourself, validating yourself, and focusing on you is what is now important (and yes…I am preaching to myself as well) .
Stay strong….focus on you…..and thank you all again.
Brad

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    chankla2 November 23, 2015

    hit the nail on the head- Kim is sooo
    right they miss the pattern of totally meeting all their needs, period.
    when THYRE done bbbye…
    no THYRE not happy no THYRE noOT in love just new supply, period.
    yes focus on you! it does get better!
    YOULL start to see the NARC in a different way… N/C is best YOULL be one less back up supply on thheir list
    thy always hve bkups, an seeking new supply always….
    strength courage to new life new love ahead for EVRYBODY…..
    it will come back around, watch..
    working in yourself getting healthy THATS progress, success….
    not just bopping to relationship to relationship it will eventually snowball…
    they DONT change….

    Reply
Ange September 12, 2015

Hi all… right, well i got discarded weds after I confronted my boyfriend on how cold he had been in the last couple weeks, to which he replied his feelings had changed, while all the time glaring at me like it was my fault and I was something he was chewing on that tasted awfull! Plus Bering in mind We had only been back together 6 weeks after he chased me no end to give him another chance after the last breakup! I was reluctant to give it another go the last time but after receiving a text one sat night when he knew I was out with friends stating that he was basically on the verge of killing himself if I didn’t help him with his cocaine habbit, I caved in and let him back into my life again… i so wish I hadn’t!
So he started a 12 step program and at first he was all full of promises that now he was off the drugs that everything would be different because this was the root of all his problems, paranoia, selfishness, no empathy, lying, cheating, controlling ways! By now I had already started my research on narcissists a while ago so I was aware of the idealise, devalue and discard process but wanted to so much to believe it was the drugs that turned him into this horrible person not his actual personality. in fact I found him to be worse off the drugs then on them! He seemed to feel nothing at all without them, was even more unemotional, uncaring and into himself, he also completely lost interest in sex and blamed this on the lack of drugs, he’s been doing coke for 20 years, not daily but binging at the weekends.

We have broken up many time, mainly when he was on a drug fuelled mission and got paranoid and started accusing me of all sorts! It would always result him in packing and going (to his ex I discovered).
This time was very different (i felt the build up of discard coming, cold detached, no text in the day, not calling or returning my calls). normally when we argue,one or the other would say enough is enough, he would pack his things and go and I would let him, never tried to stop him and I always went no contact straight away but always give in and reply as soon as he messaged me….. text, text and more texts and all would be forgive again (and there as been a lot I needed to forgive him for trust me).

So again he’s packed his stuff but messaged saying he couldn’t collect it until the next day (no explanation as to why his feelings have changed, no sorry for hurting my feelings thanks for supporting me and no kiss at the end, nothing! He was so angry at me but he was finishing it! Anyway I replied that was fine and deleted him completely from my phone.
So i came home later to all his stuff packed and ready to go but this time I knew the M.O of leaving the odd thing here and there so he had a reason to contact me as before, so I gathered up all his odds and sods that he had left lying about and put them with the rest of his stuff, left a note on the top stating ‘ That’s everything, so there’s no need for any further contact and please leave my keys.

Get home, his stuff has gone and at the bottom of my note to him was “best wishes Ang, thank you for EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN THAT, ok no contact xxx”. I then find me door key on the mat but no fob key for the main entrance door – he has always left both before and knows one goes with the other! I’m now left with a decion regarding my fob and getting it returned, so instead of me breaking no contact I got my best friend to message him regarding my fob and getting his mailing addressed changed. She messaged that I had requested the above and he messaged her straight back saying “if Ang wants the above she should message me herself and not be telling the world our business”, my friend politely message back “Ang no longer want contact with you so please respect her wishes! He didn’t respond, I knew he wouldn’t!!!

I don’t want him back, my belly might be doing somersault but my head is so much clearer without him in it, controlling my every move, I met with a friend last night, stayed out for a drink after my shift tonight, I work in a pub and I felt so free… I know I don’t want him and the life I lead when I’m with him for the rest of my life…. I was so independent before I got with him, was happy with myself and I want that back for good… I’m staying no contact, fact!

I thought this was the final discard, specially how coldly he done it, and I will never forgive him for that, I stood by him when he begged me to help him be normal, get of the drugs lead a normal life! and then threw me away like I was nothing, it was more the way he looked at me that done it for me.. the mask fell and I truly see him for what he is…. a nasty, human being unable to love or appreciate any of the good things in life, to love and be loved, he will never get it .. he will be forever lonely no matter who he choses to try fill the void in his empty soul.

So I’m a bit confused as whether I should expect the Hoover or not…???

He said he didn’t feel the same and was unhappy with me, that he wanted to leave (he never acted this way before and he was sober/straight!!!).
Agreed to no contact. But seemed aggravated that my pal messaged him not me.
Kept my fob, why? Is this another form of controlling, does he just want me to contact him so he can ignore me so he still feels like he has the upper hand or is he planning another return attempt?? I hope he isn’t…

Any views on the above would be greatly appreciated

Wow this was meant to be a long story short, sorry xxx

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Debi matthews September 9, 2015

I posted under replies. Sorry.
I left my husband after sustainability ng visible facial bruising, n the middle.of the night, I left everything.
I had a restraining order but he didn’t (and won’t as long as I have law on my side) and so that state denied it renewable so I Re filed at my daughters place, as I stayed there recovering from a bran injury. Now he filed a sneaky divorce without proper service and I unknowable filed for and for a restraining order, he had filed divorce but is now fighting the restraining order, why??? Why, I left before I knew he was fighting it, and now I am so so so worried, my daughter and grandchildren live there, do you think he would kill or harm them??
I have no income and was sleepy ng on her couch, and now have a bed til I get work.

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Angel August 23, 2015

I was at a concert tonight, one that he goes to every year. I was praying i wouldn’t see him and thankfully I didn’t. But as I was leaving the venue someone ran up and hugged me and I looked up and it was his best friend. Me and the friend exchanged small talk and I didn’t ask about you know who and he didn’t bring him up. I feel sad now. Funny because I haven’t cried since we broke up in June. I went through all of that stuff the first time break up–hit rock bottom– and I vowed not to go to the dark side this time. One, it was too hard to revisit and two I felt he didn’t deserve to be mourned. So I cut him off and haven’t looked back. I still think of him often but my life is good and Im happy. I know it’s over so I try not to dwell.

But seeing his friend did something. I dont have an urge to call him or anything like that– I have maintained no contact without exception and will continue to do so–I just feel..sad. I guess seeing him triggered something..It’s easier to forget about him because he stopped calling and there’s no real chance of us running into another as we dont live in the same city. But seeing his best friend was like seeing him in a way. It took me back and it threw me for a loop. When I looked back I saw the guy was immediately on the phone; my guess is he was calling him to tell him he’d just seen me. I just want to get to a place where he doesn’t affect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if for the rest of my life a small part of me will always be just a little sad

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    Kelsea August 23, 2015

    I saw your post through the emails I receive from this site and I just wanted to reply because I know today you might feel lonely, sad and might be ruminating over last night. I just simply wanted to tell you you’re not alone. I know the gut wrenching feeling when you see someone related to your exN or even when you’re in the same area he’s always known to be. I can’t even drive through the area where my ex lives and works without being on pins and needles. I search my windows as I pass by to make sure I won’t see him walking with his back pack to work. Every tall man with a baseball cap is a blur that resembles him and I look in the rear view mirror and take a deep breath as I come to the end of the road and think to myself “I made it one more day without seeing him” and finally I didn’t want to see him. I used to scour that neighborhood to see if I could produce an exchange encounter and maybe, just maybe if he sees me again, he will know that he screwed up. Anyways, I am very happy you didn’t run into HIM. Maybe his friend didn’t mention him because he knows his buddy screwed up. Maybe he knows he’s a loser and isn’t worth mentioning to you. That’s nice that his friend was still kind to you- usually with a Narcissist, they create smear campaigns with whoever will listen (their friends, coworkers, family and even your friends) and if you run into any of these people- you get the “ugh it’s that girl who broke his heart- she’s a horrible person” or whatever else he told them. My ex did this to me. I now laugh at these people I used to be so close to who now think I’m this horrible woman. Well, if they knew me well enough then they would buy into his BS.
    Please stay strong my beloved and remember you’re doing this for a reason. Remember the last painful incident that occurred and all the reasons why you shouldn’t ever go back. I promise within the next few days your head will clear and you’ll feel as good as you did before the concert. I think there’s a reason why he wasn’t at the concert this year and its because he doesn’t deserve to see you. I cut contact harshly and abruptly in July so I know what you mean by asking “will I ever be completely happy again?” And my answer is “yes”. We are in control of our happiness and I will not allow that abusive man to question my abilities and joy any longer. Of course u have bad days and moments and boy, do I sometimes have the urge to respond to his email he sent after he realized I changed my number and he no longer has control over me- but I won’t. It’s a daily practice and struggle my love, but you’re doing it! One day this won’t hurt, it won’t matter and he will be a distant memory with no feelings attached to it. Please continue to do the work that is needed for you to heal and understand why this happened so that you never get involved with another person who will jeopardize your mental health and happiness again. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

    Reply
      Angel August 23, 2015

      Thank you, Kelsey. I appreciate your kinds words; they’re needed today. Alot of memories and feeling a little sad. Not wanting to call him or anything crazy like that, just feeling a little sorry for myself I guess. I talked to my mom today and she said I dont miss him, because he’s not worthy, but that I miss the life I thought I was gonna have and the person I thought he was. She’s right.

      Yeah, I was surprised his friend approached me too. He probably did it just so he could interact with me and have some gossip to go back and tell. My ex probably lied and told everyone he broke up with ME. Im sure of it. Doesn’t matter I guess. I hung out with a friend and took in another show so it wasn’t such an okay day. Just waiting for the feelings to pass. I didn’t think I would feel like this anymore because I’ve been doing so great. Oh well. Again, I thank you for thinking of me. Means alot. <3

      Reply
Wanda Kemp August 9, 2015

it feels like i just woke up from a dream of someone else’s life after 12 years. I used to write his words down… i knew they were bad but his words became my words. it started with our first Christmas together. i was wrapping presents and doing a terrible job. he started laughing, said i didnt do anything right. i didnt cook right, didnt dress right, didnt wear make up. I never understood how someone could shame you while laughing so innocently and he never understood why I had to ask him if i could do anything right? “yeah,” he said defensively but there was no list of the things i did right. After that i became the bad welfare mother he would never take parenting advice from. The night he said that, i cried all night and he sat there and watched. The next morning i was exhausted, red eyed and swollen, i took the kids to school and came back and cried some more asking him why he thought so badly of me why he was with me. he told me he never said it. it didnt make sense to me, nothing made sense. i started seeing everything through his eyes. he attacked everyone i got close to and i started seeing them as a threat too. He told me, look at the way people are looking at you and I did. They were looking at me the way he was looking at me. I was sure of it. I stopped talking to people, i stopped talking to them mostly because I couldnt explain in my words what he was doing because i had his words in my head. Every time I left him, i was drowning in the misery of his lies. he groomed me to see that the whole world saw me as he did. it is only now that I remembered the fear he put in me, how when I started talking to a friend I had isolated myself from, my heart beat out my chest when he found out and I never understood why. I remember now, all of the words other people have said to me, you put up such a fascade… how do you do it? You’re in pain and you dont even act like it. You should be screaming at him, it’s your life… why aren’t you angry? I wasnt angry… i was confused. I was numb with grief. I was silently drowning. I could never understand how my friends could hold me while I cried but he couldn’t. That’s not true, he held me while I cried about the people i felt completely isolated from, asking me ,”Do you want me to beat them up for hurting you?” I literally had flashbacks about the things people would say, “What’s the matter with you?” I told you that you were bad? ” All of which confirmed everything he said about me, that there was something wrong with me. I remember all of it, all of the nasty things he ever said to me, did to me and I wonder how long it will stay with me? I also wonder after I leave him when the numbness will come and then the pain, the drowning…I remember I used to watch and wait for his lips to thin out, tried to prevent it with everything i had inside of me because I knew what it meant. It meant that those bad words were coming but would it mean that this time he would ridicule me like a child, point his finger in my face like last time, what name would he call me this time. what would he throw against the wall… I dreaded guessing the things i would have to clean up after he smashed and broke things. Worst part is that my daughter will grow up and find a man just like him and he’s gonna make her cry and he’s gonna steal her joy and her hope and she’s gonna wonder why she wants to die.
i used to wish he would have just hit me, atleast then I could have found the right words to explain what was happening to me until the day he actually did and tried to choke my son. I tried to tell people but I didnt know how… i couldnt explain it… all i ever said was he was mean or he doesnt contribute… he’s bad with money…or he mistreats me financially because I was trying to make sense of it by looking at his actions but i never thought about the words. I remember when i would pray out in pain, I knew in my heart God was trying to tell me something. All I heard was, finish your book, finish it… what you are looking for are in the words.
I remember when i first move to Texas, God was stronger. i would look at signs, find words, put them in my book. And I heard God again. The words are every where.. now that i know and have found the right words… i want to shout it from the roof tops… I’m not crazy.

i left my abusive marriage and im left to pick up the pieces.  i was living with another man because i felt like having another relationship would keep me grounded until I can get on my feet. But it’s not just the isolation… its living thats hard.  I see abuse in everything in everyone, more than my abuser and i know it comes from me being in his head and seeing what he sees.  I still find myself living in the habits of abuse.  I always wonder when the next attack will come, i welcome it just so i can get it over with and when it doesnt happen, i think what’s wrong with him.  inside of me, I get mad at him bc I’m still walking on eggshells, watching… waiting.  I see glimpses of abusive behavior, a tone that may not even be there, hurt feelings that turn into defensiveness from something i said wrong and i shut down, prepare for the numbness thats inside of me and everything is quiet.  The quiet before the storm and still im waiting.  i know if he knows, he will think im crazy but i think I’m crazy.  i see myself living life against my will, always going through the motions doing only what will please him just to prevent an attack. i see people watching me and i hear his voice, “see the way they are looking at you.”  i dont understand why I am more mad at this new person than him, for looking at me that way, for a punishment that never comes. Without it, there will be no relief for me and i have lived for this relief.  i know i have this problem but even worse is the fear that it will be used against me. I dont know how to pull myself from this darkness bc it was always him that took the lead to forgiveness. I know that my way of preventing future attacks is different from others.  It always comes back to complete isolation.  The only place i feel safe is inside of me, knowing that when i speak or laugh no one knows that im the one struggling. The only place i feel safe is in the lie, that I’m okay. i live in 2 worlds where i am raw and broken but i laugh and play and touch and hug and my daughter wonders why I am sad and cry when we are alone. And i couldnt do it, i couldnt live with someone else while being in my abusers head so I moved out. But I’m afraid of when my withdrawal symptoms will come because I know my body will crave that relief. The worse part is, this abuse addiction spills over into my other relationships. Even my girlfriends will say something to me and it will trigger a response, I dont even know where the anger comes from and I run, literally. A year ago, i was drinking at a bar with my friend the weekend after the last time i left my husband, it caught up with me and i stumbled into the counter. She yelled at me, “whats the matter with you? I told you to slow down.” I dont even think i have ever been as angry as i was at that moment after i heard those words. i grabbed my purse and I left the bar. She came after me, grabbed my shoulder and I pulled away, really angry. I screamed at her that i got that shit from my husband and that i didnt need it from her too and i ran away. i couldnt get away from her fast enough and i havent talked to her since even though she had been my best friend for 11 years.
I have a baby girl with this man and have been lucky enough to see him only a couple of times, both times through court to get her back when he tried to keep her from me and both times my heart beat out of my chest from fear of him. i thought i was going to have a heart attack. He calls her every night but i had to completely move out of my city bc even going out in public would cause panic with in me. i feel safer that he doesnt know where i am but i know eventually he will have to know where i am keeping his daughter.

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Angel August 3, 2015

I wanted to add that the thing I learned about these narcs is that they dont respect ppl they can manipulate and control. Like, the exes who think they walk on water. They keep them around for the ego boost and to make the new partner jealous, so you can think “Oh, if s/he still wants to be with him he must be great.” But they know that the only reason those ppl worship them is because they have managed to break them all the way down. So now they’re not worthy. So then they look for someone who they believe is on their level, worthy of all of their knowledge, beauty, and whatever. But when they get a confident, independent partner they can’t handle THEM either, so they start to break you down, manipulating, gaslighting, and trying to make you dependent on them so you will never leave. Whenever you stand your ground you get treated the same way as the others anyway. So it’s lose/lose.

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    Brian August 5, 2015

    They can’t have a healthy relationship of equals. At heart they’re bullies who must have control. They probably think they love the new person but its just new supply thats not on to them yet. They need them and wil really pour it on like my ex did with me to set that hook into them but its most definitely not love or the foundation of something healthy.
    My ex’s new guy has a job that is more creative like hers so they may have a longer “honeymoon” period but its always all about her in the end. I just hate to see her little girl grow up with a different man around every year or two? I think this one has a kid(s)? I can’t imagine my ex pretending to be a caring stepmother type for long?

    Reply
Brian July 31, 2015

I want to say that my ex has an art exhibit this year at a annual downtown convention in my city that I usually go to but I stayed home this year so I wouldn’t be tempted to see her.
I don’t have kids but a normal mother (or person) couldn’t pull off such a viscious devalue/discard on someone like me that gave her toddler such attention and joy. I read that baby bedtime stories and pulled her around their neighborhood in a little red wagon….going fast enough to make sure she was laughing and enjoying herself. A normal mother (or decent human being) would appreciate that.

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    Kim Saeed July 31, 2015

    You’re absolutely right, Brian…

    Reply
rose petals July 30, 2015

I was with a N for a little over three months. It was a whirlwind and I thought I finally found someone who loved me completely. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. When I first met him I noticed he was 30 pounds smaller than all the pictures he sent to me. Not a big deal I do not go off just looks. Yet we had everything in common. Our first date I laughed and had the time of my life. It was beautiful. I had a gut feeling something was off. It was too good to be true. Yet I told myself I was scared because of past hurts in life and not to let him get away. I should have listened to my gut. I started to notice little lies here and there. Things he said not adding up. He would not sleep much and I thought it was from sleep deprivation. Little lies started becoming huge lies. I had no idea what was going on. What happened to this wonderful man I met. I loved him completely. I did however notice the beginning stages of what appeared to be meth mouth. Yet he told me it was from many years ago. I noticed it on the first date, yet his explanation seemed plausible. How could this wonderful man be on meth? Yet it all added up not only was he a Narcissist he had a very well hidden meth addiction. I did not know that some people could camouflage an addiction so well. Everything he told me was a lie. Everything. I did a background check on him. Even when he said he was going to court to fight for custody of his daughter, crying on my shoulder about his evil ex keeping her from him. I found out to be a lie. He went to court because he was being sued. He also was thousands of dollars behind on child support. He even signed off all parental rights to his long lost daughter. He was never fighting for her. He even told me he enjoyed hurting women. I left him when he had meth rage. I still didn’t figure out he was on meth till weeks later. Then all those red flags added up. I felt like a wolf ate my heart and threw it up at my feet. I will not speak to him but did go off on him for being a lying horrible evil person. He almost seemed demonic. I am with you ladies and know your pain. It hurts. It really does.

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Angel July 30, 2015

So I was with him for two years the first go round. Left the relationship and was doing great. Missing him everyday, but moving on with my life. It wasn’t easy, but I was doing it. As I grew in my spiritual maturity I began to question if some of the things that went wrong in our relationship weren’t all his fault and if we just brought out the worst in each other because we needed to work through our issues to get to the happy place. We were apart for a whole year and I grew alot, realized alot, and for better or worse, I had to admit that I truly loved this man. I hoped that maybe he had grown as well and just maybe we could come together again and apply the lessons we’d learned.

I suspected he might be a narcissist long ago, but wasn’t sure. You know how great they are at manipulating you and making you question your natural instincts. I had a tough time discerning what was gut instinct versus his voice in my head making me doubt myself. Unlike alot of the other stories Ive read all over the internet, he was very loving 90% of the time. Spent all of his time with me in person or on the phone, very supportive, super romantic–consistent. And being a very spiritual man, always talking about right and wrong and how he lived his life according to what God expected of him, including being faithful and honest..blah blah. He was beyond reproach. And therein was the problem.

Anytime I would question something he said, or have a differing opinion he would speak to me in this condescending tone, talk to me like a child or an underling, and wear me out talking for hours about why he was right and what I needed to learn. I would literally get on the phone with one agenda or opinion and hang up defeated. Like, what just happened? If I stood my ground, as I am apt to do being a woman of strong mind and conviction, we would end up in a fight, yelling at each other and vowing that we were done with each other. Even now I marvel at how I accepted one iota of his crap because I was not raised to accept that. I didn’t come from an abusive family, and have never experienced any of this stuff in previous relationships. If u stay with these men, it’s a slow erosion, and before you know it, you’re accepting and making excuses for sh*t you never would have before.

Because there were more good times than bad, I always ended up missing him and we’d start talking and work things out. This started to happen more and more. I would love to go into detail but this would be a book. After a year apart we got back together and the pain of being apart seemed justified because we had found our way back to each other. We were soulmates! We talked for 8 hour stretches the first few weeks, so overjoyed to be back in each other’s lives. To his credit, I noticed some changes in him; he tried not to be so overbearing with his opinion and I made a point not to rely on him for all of my emotional needs. He seemed to respect my growth and independence. But then the fights started again, and he was as disrespectful as ever, always turning vicious and showing no respect for my opinions, even going so far as to use things I told him about me when my guard was down to win his argument and hurt me to transfer his bad feelings on to me. Lots of manipulation, always talking about how much more he does in the relationship, attempting to guilt me into feeling bad as if I were abusing HIM. Im a kind, fair, honest person and he would have me feeling like I was some dysfunctional, emotionally damaged person who was taking out my “demons” on him, or that I had trust issues–which I never had until him. But it became his mantra and I started to believe it! And there were the other textbook things like all his exes wanted him back, (and one that just wouldn’t go away), they treated him wrong. He was always the victim in any story where there was a problem in the relationship, even with his own family. He used to be a model, though I never saw photos. He was the leader of a band that I never saw him play in and going through his FB back to before we met, I never saw one announcement about a show…

I learned from this relationship that I should never and will never doubt my instincts again. I can go back to almost day one when he would tell me things–little things–and my inner alarm would say, “that’s not true”, but I let his WORDS convince me. Why? I guess naivete. I couldn’t possibly guess that someone would be that skilled at lying and manipulating. And he seemed to really love me. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I tried to work with him because everything else was so right. I see now that the price I was paying for those good times was just too high. I just didn’t want to accept that he was not the person I thought he was, or that he was irrevocably damaged. That would mean I had to give up the dream. And I didn’t want to. So I held on way past the time I should have let go. I always do that.

Some of these narcs are not your textbook case, putting you down every minute, flying off the handle, isolating u from your friends, the silent treatment. He was the model partner most of the time. But he is indeed a narc. He’s what I’ve come to learn is an Altruistic Narcissist or Covert Narcissist. They do good deeds, they appear sweet and loving, but the moment you piss them off, they will resent the hell out of you and throw “all I’ve done” back in your face and then you see the typical signs; raging, blame, gas lighting, manipulation, lying. It’s almost as if he really tries to be this larger than life person that he imagines himself to be (oh, the grandiosity!), but when challenged he can’t contain the monster within.

We lasted six months when we got back together before I ended it. I finally caught him in an concrete lie, something I was never able to do before, so he always managed to talk me out of whatever I believed. And to watch him try and worm his way out of it; the way he had an answer for everything; the way he tried to turn it on me; even started crying! All the while he was LYING. I couldn’t believe it. It was then that I realized who/what I was dealing with. Anyone who can lie without blinking an eye like that is scary.

I honestly dont know if he ever really loved me, or loved the idea of me, OR loved that I loved him. Maybe all three. Did he lie to seem more desirable to me, or because he lives in a frigging fantasy world and can’t separate reality from fiction? Who knows. Who cares is what I tell myself. To keep going around and around in my mind is exhausting and I refuse to do it. I think Im still suffering from a bit of cognitive dissonance, but the fog is clearing. I know we had some really great times and genuine moments that simply cannot be faked. But whatever is wrong with him, even with his best efforts, he can’t have a normal relationship because he can’t NOT manipulate, he can’t NOT lie. He has such a false sense of himself. And unlike the other narc stories I read, this guy NEVER apologized, not even to get back in my good graces. He’s always right; it’s always about what YOU don’t understand. If he ever deigns to take responsibility for anything, it’s something HE feels okay with copping to, and even then something I said or did was the catalyst for his bad behavior. Because I don’t trust him, or I dont respect him, or see his efforts in trying to keep the relationship together. Ugh..And it’s so sad because he’s one of those that idealizes love and he has lost the very thing he desires most in the world. Unconditional love.

We were talking on the phone and he was berating me, once again, making himself the victim, after HE lied to me (gotta love that) and my soul spoke to me and said, “You’re done.” Now, I’d said that so many times before but this was different. It was a complete separation of my spirit from his. I hung up the phone right in the middle of the conversation. I never said goodbye, or fk off, or don’t call me again. Just hung up while he was talking. He called back, I didn’t answer. He texted; I didn’t reply. He went quiet for about ten days and I was feeling great, lighter, grateful that at last the invisible cord had finally been cut–because I’d tried so many times before. I guess he realized this was not like the other times, where he’d wait for my emotional, fair side to prevail in his favor. (I was always willing to consider that maybe something was my fault, something he could never do). When he realized I was not going to call, he started reaching out. First it was a “hey you” text, asking me to please come and get my things so we could move on amicably. Always pretending to be the level headed one. I know him too well and I knew that was a bs text to engage me. Once he got me on the phone to arrange pickup of my things he would start with the mind fk. I refused to give him a platform or an opportunity to transfer his bad feelings on to me–because they’ll take whatever energy they can get from you, good or bad. I ignored him. Blocked his number and forgot he had a number to my second line. He called that line and left a message, again trying to sound polite but I could hear the quiet rage, the panic. I didn’t respond. Another text. Another voicemail. He was purposely saying things to enrage me: that he didn’t trust ME, *I* was manipulative–all things I’d said to him so many times before—to get me so angry I’d call him back, even if just to tell him off, and then he’d have me where he wanted me. NOPE. Sorry buddy, you’re going to sit your narc ass there and deal with all of those sh*tty feelings all on your own.

I never responded and he stopped calling after that. He thinks too highly of himself to chase and I think this time he knows that I know exactly what he is. Before I only suspected and he managed to gaslight me into submission, but now he knows the jig is up. I forfeited my things because it just wasn’t worth it the headache. And let my things be a reminder to him of what he lost.

Unfortunately I can’t block him on all social media because I am an entertainer and need to stay accessible. So I picture him logging on every night checking my Instagram to see what I am up to and it bugs the heck out of me, because I would prefer that he never see my face again and wonder for the rest of his life what Im up to. It’s sad too, because when I post anything I have to be sure that it has nothing to do with my feelings or opinions on relationships or anything sentimental because he will assume it’s about him. The ego! I am much happier and I know I did the right thing. There are moments when I just feel like I am in the middle of a bad dream. Like, I can’t believe I loved this person, or that someone could be so convincingly in love and dishonest at the same time. I vacillate from believing he loved me but his dysfunction/demons just got the better of him to thinking he’s just pure evil. He helped me in so many ways and made me so happy too that I just can’t write him off as evil, but he’s definitely mentally unstable.

I dont believe that all narcs have NO feelings. I’ve seen and experienced too much with this man to believe that. But whether they miss you or not really is of no consequence because you just can’t have a relationship with this kind of person. I believe he does miss me, but I also believe there’s the part of him that just hates that I cut HIM off. These things matter too much to them. The ego comes first and they will protect it at all costs. All the love in the world is no match for it. And even if they do love you or care in their own way, it wont stop them from manipulating you or lying just to keep you in their life. Because they will never let you truly SEE inside them because they are ashamed of what’s there. Oh, I could write a book. I think the Universe/God brought us back together again so i could see him for who he really was and stop agonizing and romanticizing him like I was doing during the year apart.

I’ve lost my lover, my partner, my confidante, my DREAM. Oh, how we used to laugh! I know I can be happy again and I’m well on my way, with many things to look forward to for my future, but I dont see the world or people the same way anymore. To know that there are people like him walking around fooling people, leaving broken hearts and shattered expectations wherever they go….with no remorse, because they don’t have the capacity for it. So you’re left holding the bag that is your heart in a million pieces with no one to say, “I’m sorry”. No acknowledgement of all you’ve gone through. So unfair.

The things I learned as a result of this relationship were necessary for my growth. I see that now. But what a price to pay. 🙁

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    LadyTee July 30, 2015

    Wow!!!! This was like reading about me and my Narc. It’s amazing how the story mirrors my situation. The mental ups and downs, the LYING and swearing on everything he loves that he’s not lying had me questioning if he in fact ever really loved me. You never know. I love this man with all my heart but the emotional toll isn’t worth it. Thanks for sharing your experience…it just made me that much stronger and know I made the right decision to walk away. So far it’s only been 3 weeks of no contact so I know once he realizes I’m not going to contact him he will reach out. I’m ready for all the BS I use to fall for. I know people can change but I’m too scared to give hi a chance just to find out it’s all a lie. I’d rather move on with someone who is NORMAL. Thanks again 🙂

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      Angel August 3, 2015

      You’re welcome. If you can manage to stay away, please do. If you do go back you will see before too long that you were right to stay away the first time, as I did. The second go round was just confirmation ultimately. It’s been 6 weeks of NC for me and it’s easy this time. Good luck to you! Stay strong. 🙂

      Reply
    Vanessa July 30, 2015

    I great deal of insight in your writing about your experience. Many similarities to mine. I see those close ,moments I had with my x though more of his acting ability than true connection. My x chased me everytime I left and every time I went back the behaviour worsened. I am over 12 months no contact now but it has been the hardest fight to regain my life.It gets better slowly and I do believe we are better for the experience as surreal as it is.

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    Brian July 31, 2015

    You’re on top of the situation alright! Its their ego! Its always about their ego and their sense of entitlement. I think when you add religion to a Narc then it really amps up their sense of righteous superiority. My ex rarely cursed and would always say “I wasn’t brought up like that” to subtly slam me for revealing to her that I grew up in an abusive home. We were actually leaving church when she flew into a narcissitic rage and flopped out of a moving car. I went after her because she had the keys and it was her car. Some lady called the police and they were hugging afterwards while the big bad man (me) was getting chastised by the police. It would’ve really got bad if she tried to get me arrested because I was already mad and I never touched her.

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      Angel August 3, 2015

      Yes, the religious thing amped it up considerably. Sometimes when we’d argue he’d paraphrase things from the Bible to bolster his point. Then it was like I was arguing with God. I can imagine how awful it must have been for you being with a narc woman. So many things to use against you because she’s just a ‘defenseless woman’.

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    Anonymous January 2, 2017

    AMEN! THANKING GOD THAT YOU MADE IT OUT….SOME HAVE NOT!!!

    Reply
Brian July 13, 2015

I thought I might add that her ex-husband although def a strange individual was def not the villain that I was told that he was. I reached out to him to try to understand what the hell just happened to me and he ended up sending our emails to her. In her last response to me she said something along the lines of “I just wanted someone that was loyal to me and really loved me”. Cry me a #$%’ng river again? She called me about a month ago to cry that I called her a bitch and a narcissist and a user to him. Her feelings were hurt…..couldn’t give a damn about the hell she put me thru. I skipped Xmas with my family so I could help her get to Memphis to see hers instead. She gave me the cold shoulder for “trying to turn my family against me like her ex did” when all I did was try to bond with her family which she wouldn’t do with mine. Her dad asked me to go with him every day we were there so what could I have done? Atleast no kids together…less than $10k thrown down the drain and it was only a year.

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Brian July 13, 2015

First of all….not even sure I can call my ex a narcissist? She is a very good mother although I will say she had me meet her daughter and doing diapers, etc. way too early! She’s shy and somewhat conservative….doesn’t dress in a sexy or flashy way and could care less about new cars or status symbols. She does love attention as she’s a professional artist and constantly checks FB to see how many likes she gets on her works that she posts. Now she is without a shadow of a doubt a Professional Victim. She plays it to the hilt and no matter what happens its their fault and she is just the poor little single mom just trying to get by.

We met in late March of last year from a dating site and it was almost love at first sight for me. She’s petite and pretty with a gentle shyness about her that made me want to reach out and hug her and protect her from the beginning. She has no family in the area…no friends (red flag)…and most of all a “crazy” ex-husband that was making her life miserable and had tried to “steal” their 2.5 yr old daughter away from her. On our second date we were swinging her adorable little daughter between us at the park and as a 49 year old man without kids…..I have always wanted my own little family. I was in the military and traveled a lot and it just never happened for me. Within a month or so I was doing diapers and reading bedtime stories. I loved it!! The chemistry and sex between us was fantastic and she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with. She said I was the most masculine man she’s ever dated and that we had more sex than all her other relationships put together. I believed it. In fact I never caught her in a lie?
To try to speed up this story…I will jump ahead six months to Sept 2014. We had some explosive fights in the beginning but our chemistry was so strong that we’d immediately end up in bed the next day for makeup sex. At the same time I knew something was wrong? She always claimed to be shy, emotional, sensitive, and bossy with the man in her life but it was way more than that. There was no real communication over anything unpleasant. She could suddenly take great offense when my opinion differed from hers on something….and often wouldn’t even less to my explanations. It was often just the way she perceived something and I really meant didn’t matter? She made little attempt to get to know my parents. In conclusion…I got her thru her difficult divorce in Aug or so and I felt like our relationship got increasingly more one-sided no matter what I did for her. She ended up throwing wine in my face in March on her bday and walking home for more than 2 hours….leaving me at her fav restaurant to pay the bill. I was always wrong although she did send flowers to my work once this spring. She called 911 on me after starting a fight when I got angry. It was insane but yet I was hooked and kept coming back. I loved her so much and feel like I still do even though I am so angry. She finally dumped me in May for someone (an architect) she had been writing back and forth for a while but not before telling me she still loved me and I was the highlight of her day, etc….right up to the end. Then I got angry and cussed her thru her vm since she had discarded me and I went crazy. I tried to quit my job and luckily they let me cool off. I crave her voice, her shy little way of kissing my hand, but I want to show up at one of her art shows and smash her works or put this architect into a coma. I’m not well…better than I was in May but I’m not well. I already had deep seeded feelings of anger from abuse as a child. I am not the person I was before she did this to me or I did it to myself. I am seeing a therapist but she doesn’t get it.

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Brian July 13, 2015

I don’t even know where to begin except that to say that I’m glad I found this forum! I think I got off easy compared to many since it was only 13 months long and I survived.

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Marci July 9, 2015

After nearly four years together, I was unceremoniously dumped after another not so nice argument. Moved out, (second time this happened) took most everything and has not been heard from for nearly five months. Said he never wanted to see or speak to me ever again. Over time, the gambit of thoughts and emotions overwhelmed me…how could someone profess to love me and treat me like that? Just walk out without an effort…like I never mattered…and I guess I know now that I didn’t. Things became ‘rocky’ when I established and enforced boundaries. I understand now that is part of the overall pattern. Sad thing is that he was the first person that I went ‘all in’ emotionally since my husband passed away.

No contact has been hell, but a friend to me as well. I won’t go into all the sordid details but after months of soul searching and research, I had an epiphany! I was living with a classic Narcissist. Someone with serious NPD. A man-child who has NO friends, wasn’t particularly close to siblings (only his mother!), never took initiative, didn’t care about others, wasn’t passionate about anything, not benevolent, never defended me – EVER, was uncaring/feeling (told me to grow up when I talked about my feelings being hurt on one occasion), watched my dog die in my arms and asked me where I wanted to go for dinner shortly thereafter. I really didn’t understand what or who I was dealing with until now and how impacted so many people are by these human predators. All the ‘one-off’ things are now making sense. As you clinically put it Kim, mine was an “Internal”. I was somewhat vulnerable when we met (temporary unemployment), and I now understand that is prime Supply for these individuals. In some strange way, I feel more pain than when my husband died 12 years ago. But, I do feel blessed to have forgiven and freed myself from much pain and guilt in a relationship that I didn’t cause. All that being said, I am still curious about this:

1. How does NPD manifest in someone? Is it due to your upbringing, family, trauma, etc. or are you born with it? (I saw similar patterns in his mother. He is definitely a ‘mama’s boy’ which was an additional problem.)

2. I have learned that eventually most come back around once they see that they won’t be contacted by the one they abandoned, and they tire of the next one or more. If that is the case, what is your advice as to how to handle that?

Researching and writing has always been cathartic for me. Thank you for creating a safe forum to do each. My gratitude is grand and widespread – thanks to professionals like you Kim who truly want to help people like all of us heal and especially understand. My gate is quicker now and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted thanks to all of you. We will be fine, we are much smarter. I know I am. What we have endured has not been a mistake but a very valuable lesson.

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B July 8, 2015

3 years in… Almost to the day…

After numerous prompts and signs along the way (didn’t really notice until about a year in) that something was “wrong”, a lot of self blame and confusion, most recently anger and frustration at the way my ” best friend” has been treating me (regularly now rather than occasionally), and lots of self counseling and reading over the past 30 days, I’ve realized things need to change. And I’m the one that has to make the change.

That as much as I deeply care for this person I’ve shared so much with, and who is really is hurting, I need to take care of me first. It’s poisonous. It’s hurt my family, who has put up with mood swings, indifference to their needs to satisfy my friend’s, and severe changes in my attitude and outlook because of it.

I know I need to go no contact. I fear that it will hurt my friend. But everything I’m reading here SO PERFECTLY describes what is going on/what they are, and all signs seem to point to their inability to really feel, be concerned for or love another.

Strangely enough, one of the last exchanges we had over the weekend involves them proclaiming pretty adamantly that they really don’t think there is such a thing as real/true love….even when the person they’re saying this to gives them, and feels for them, just that. They are insensitive. My inclination is to take it personally and be hurt…. Like WTF?? But, painful as it is, they’re just not wired that way.

I can’t believe I found a blog and community of current by wonderful people who’ve unfortunately experienced what I’m just now starting to come out of the other side of…. That want to (and probably need to) share what they’ve been through.

You’re a wonderful, open, sharing guide.

Give me strength to do this…..

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    Kim Saeed July 9, 2015

    B, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your experience. It’s great to have you here with us and I hope this site and our little tribe can help give you the strength to go No Contact and start your new life. Wishing you all the very best <3

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Melinda July 2, 2015

At first I wondered about this after I went “no contact” in 2007…I wondered if he would miss me at all.
I remember that one of the first steps I took was to delete him from MySpace (I’m probably dating myself here). He mentioned that to me, but I acted casual about it.

The next steps I took were more difficult…I forced myself to stop driving by places where I knew he would be, and I also cut down on calling him. I figured that if he really wanted to see me or talk to me, then he would.

Around that time I met my husband, who helped me take my mind off the ex. Suddenly here was a guy who actually seemed to like me for who I was.
I realized that my ex was incapable of truly loving me or caring about me no matter what. So when I talked to my ex on the phone, he was doing the old song and dance about how we could still be “friends”.

At first, I hesitated…what if there was a chance that we could still be something more?
But then it hit me that this was the pattern of things in our toxic relationship…his idea of “friendship” after months of not seeing me or talking to me was most likely to continue having sex with me and treating me like sh*t, because I allowed it.

And at that point I was over it; I was starting to get over HIM. Something inside me just said “no”.
I wanted more for myself. I remembered his hateful comments that I could be replaced, like I was some disposable object. And you know what? I was tired of being treated that way. I was young and finally starting to see that I was not a bad-looking girl and dammit, I deserved better in my life than losers who couldn’t appreciate me.

I could tell that he was shocked when I declined his offer to be “friends”. After all, I’d always gone crawling back to him before. But by then, I was disgusted with him and with myself for all of the stuff I’d been through.
I noticed that immediately after I told him that I had no interest in him anymore as a friend or anything else, the nasty tone came back into his voice and he was like “bye”. Then we both hung up.

I’m sure that he missed me in some ways after I quit him…he missed the fact that he could use me as his verbal (and a few times, physical) punching bag.
He missed the fact of not being able to humiliate me in front of people anymore. He missed being able to watch his racist mother and other people belittle me while he said nothing to defend me. He missed the hot, passionate sex and the fact that I would let him do almost anything he wanted no matter how degrading. He missed the fact that I took him back and forgave him after all the cheating and lies and slander of my reputation, although he couldn’t seem to forgive me for anything at all.

Me, on the other hand? I missed who he was in the early days of our relationship.
But I also felt free in some ways. I no longer had to deal with sh*t from his friends or family or random strangers who would harass us because I was mixed and he was Black. I no longer had to worry about being constantly criticized for my appearance. I no longer had to deal with a nearly 300 lb. guy shouting and screaming at me over little things.
I no longer had to give bl*wjobs when I didn’t really want to. I no longer had to worry about my hair being too “nappy” or the self-hating crap from him and everyone associated with him.

We both moved on in our own ways…I got married in 2009, while he started a relationship with the girl who is now the mother of his child.
I admit that I used to look at pictures of them together and feel a twinge of jealousy. When she had their daughter in 2012, I cried about it…there was a lot of painful history with babies in my past. And they both tried to throw their relationship in my face. She would write about how “adored” she was by him and how he treated her like a princess and implied that some people (meaning me) were probably bitter about it because no one loved them.

He also wrote something on her social media a few years ago, under a Valentine’s Day picture of them all cuddled up, about how he loved being in her arms (rolling my eyes at that one).
It was obvious what they were trying to do: he was still trying to hurt me as “payback” and she was just a fat, insecure cow who felt special for having been chosen above me.
But somehow I managed to maintain a tiny bit of my sanity and dignity…I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t try to contact him or seek revenge. I simply tried to focus on healing from all of the pain life had dealt me and tried to see it as something I could learn from. And you know what? The “karma bus” (another poster used that expression here once) finally showed up at his door because he is battling cancer.

I’ve never been one to take delight in the misfortune of others and I’m truly sorry he is sick…as bad as he is, he is still a human being who doesn’t deserve to suffer.
But at the same time, I hope he realizes that what goes around comes around. When you seek to inflict constant pain on somebody else repeatedly (and my stepfather is another one who did this), you will eventually understand what it feels like in one way or another.
And me? My life is far from perfect. I still suffer from severe depression, I still have more bad days than good, I’m still picking up the pieces and none of it is easy. But I’m still alive and in relatively good health and my husband loves me and there is still much beauty in the world. So it’s been quite a journey but some good has come from it.

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c.j. June 16, 2015

I am only 1 week with the NC. I don’t know how to do this on the financial level. During the 18 years we were together, we have 2 homes.
Both our in his name. He said he will sign one over to me ( the one I am currently living in ), but legally he could get them both if he wanted to. How can I gain an upper hand over this situation if I am not in contact with him. He is a monster no doubt and I know in my soul there will never be a chance in Hell I would take him back. But I have to somehow secure my home. Is it ever possible to play a N. and win at anything ? Or should I just give everything up and walk away knowing that at least I have my legs left ? I am almost 62 years old and believe it or not we were never legally married….( he worked everything out really well for himself ). I have no other financial means. I have been a complete fool and depended on his support this entire time.

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Anonymous 20 May 29, 2015

Thank you Sally! Im a year out…after 6 yrs. of hell… LOVE my life without that evil but

That “Staring intently at other women, really up close” thing was a memory that still bugged me a lot.

I think that was one of their imaginary “Ill get you back for having healthy boundaries” punishments because it happened a lot after rages. Also, ridiculously exaggerated but well-timed comments about the beauty of other women, also after rages. I have to laugh at him now when I think of that. We are awesome women, lol, who cares about the woman you’re staring at–who is probably thinking about how she has to go to the bathroom NOT how devastatingly gorgeous you are. lmao. …yet again, just part of the disorder. GOODBYE disorder…hello emotionally regulated peoples! Still cant believe I stayed and trust me ladies (and gent) its WAY better after consistent no contact.

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    Kim Saeed May 29, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your success story, Anon 20 🙂

    Reply

Hello Kim, your website has helped me in numerous ways, the only difference is that I am a man and my ex was a female narcissist. I have followed your advice and researched online and attempted no contact. It has been about 25 days since we broke up and 21 days since I started no contact. However, my ex narcissist is already now dating a new guy and seemed very happy with him. I should also mention that before I started no contact, my ex narcissist seemed to be indifferent towards me or the break up, mostly the indifference (not silent or mad treatment, but indifference and apathy at it’s uttermost realm) towards me. Even before the no-contact I suggested at staying friends, yet she seemed to be indifferent towards that as well. This indifference is killing me, but wherever I look online everyone says that narcissist will never be indifferent and they always hoover. Mine never hoovered or tried anything to do with me after this long, and like I said, is already in another relationship and seemed happy (doesn’t look rebound to me). I am lost as I am dying inside. I thought no-contact would help and it did to some extend, I started new hobbies and talked to more women, but it seems as if I still can’t understand her actions of indifference. Am I wrong about her being narcissist because of her indifference? What if she’s not a narcissist after all? If you need more information about her to determine whether she’s a narcissist or not please do ask away. I am dying inside and outside. Please enlighten me of her indifference that a narcissist is not supposed to have…

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    Also, prior to us breaking up, she asked for a “break” but I made it a “break up” 1 week later. During that 1 week she admitted to have insecurities and she told me that she feels shame within herself and that she has low self esteem of her body (even though she’s highly attractive). Is she turning for the better and becoming a better person? Is she realizing that she’s a narcissist and want to change? She even went as far as to tell me that she doesn’t know what love is… does that mean she trusts me and she wants to change? Yet ironically 5 days later one of the new guys that she is secretly talking to sent me a text of her saying “I love you babe” to him. As far as I know this guy is not whom she is dating currently, and she now has a new boyfriend who she seemed very happy with, so did she change for him? [b] Because the fact that she admitted to me of her inner insecurities and shame and lack of love? [/b] Does that mean she never loved me but love him because I helped her realized who she is/was? I am completely thrown by this because, of course, I too like many others has thrown away my good life for her love. I just find all of these to be the opposite of what a narcissist ex would do… am I wrong? Was she not a narcissist after all? Please help, thank you Kim

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      Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

      This sounds like the typical “damsel in distress” story of the typical female narc. They do that to incite their male victims’ instinctive need to protect and rescue them. It’s sick, but true…

      From what you’ve shared, she sounds like she could very well be a narcissist, perhaps with a side of BPD thrown into the mix. I know this is very painful for you, but I hope you can find a way to let her go and move on. Wishing you all the very best <3 (By the way, I do work with male clients, too, and I hear about female narcs quite frequently).

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

    Hi Jimmy, thank you for following my blog and for reaching out. To answer your question – and I’m speaking in general terms here – Narcissists will often latch onto a new source of supply and seem very indifferent regarding the breakup with their previous partners. However, in most cases, even after being gone and silent for a while, they will try to re-engage. Typically, the cerebral narcissist is the one who leaves and pretends their former partner doesn’t exist. Usually, the ones doing the blatant hoovering are the overt ones.

    With that being said, female narcissists, while sharing some of the pathological traits of their male counterparts, do tend to behave in somewhat different ways. They can just as easily move onto a new partner, but seem to be better at giving off the “indifferent” vibe. Female narcs can stay silent for very long periods of time, then come back to re-engage at a later point. This is usually when their new target begins to see she isn’t the fair maiden he thought she was. Oh, and both female and male narcissists are EXPERT in making the new relationship appear to be “just what they’ve always wanted”. Believe me, it’s just a charade.

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      Jimmy June 2, 2015

      Thank you Kim, you have provided clarity for me in this seemly trapped fog of narcissist-infected life. Although I do still miss her from time to time (I know I shouldn’t be), I have been determined to keep up the no-contact. It’s been around 35 days now (stopped counting days because I do not intend to go back to her in any form). I want to confess something though, because it made me and still makes me feel guilty ever since I’ve done it: during the no-contact I checked on her social media twice (even when we are not friends anymore I can still see the updates), and each time it killed (yes, it’s still eating me up at this moment) me further and I felt as if my “no-contact” has regressed. Of course not just with the narcissists, even in regular, normal break ups this is a no-no. However with the narcissist it had an even greater effect on me, seeing her doing things with her new boyfriend the things she would never do with me, no matter how many times I’ve asked her nicely or aggressively. But, like I said, after reading your articles and other online resources, it seems like this situation is typical and happened to many people. I must admit I am weak at this point, but I will get better, because, simply put, I cannot get any worse (unless, of course, I allow her back in my life in any way). I’ve read your “The Great ‘Narcissist Loves New Woman More’ Hoax” article that you posted yesterday, it provides great insight into mine and many people’s mindsets.
      After reading both of your replies, I have decided to trust you and believe you (sorry for the word usage, I suppose I refuse to believe myself sometimes even when all these proofs of her actions and everything else is shoved right in front of my face that she is a narcissist), I would also like to say thank you for not only the fact that you’ve taken the time to reply to my comments and give insights, but also for what you’ve done for a great number of people out there that are suffering as well. Although I do not have enough money to get a consultation from you as of right now (my life really has been destroyed by her), I would like to donate to you however much I can afford to give out at this point. However I looked for the donate section/button but couldn’t find it (perhaps because the site is under maintenance?), can you please provide a link? I will really appreciate it. And once again thank you for your uplifting words, when I finally heal (some long long long years ahead) I will come back and give more in order to help more people who, unfortunately, met a narcissist(s) and thus destroying their lives like she did mine.

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        Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

        Hi Jimmy, thank you for following my blog and for your encouraging comments regarding how my posts have helped you. Please don’t feel that you need to donate, especially given your situation. Just consider my posts a little contribution to your healing journey <3

        By the way, if you haven't yet tried guided meditations, I highly recommend them during all phases of recovery (there are other tools needed to recover, as well, but guided meditations are easy to access). Another thing to keep in mind is not to internalize what what your Ex did or said. Those things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her disorder. We, too often, confuse what was actually said or done with the personal meaning
        we attribute to these occurrences – meaning we believe that the things they do and say to us are because of who we are as opposed to the fact that they have very specific reasons and motives for doing and saying those things, which in reality have nothing to do with us – they do and say those things with every person they’re involved with.

        Wishing you all the very best <3

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Toni May 25, 2015

Yes but I caught my ex cheating. He told the girl I wasn’t his girlfriend then he threw me out of the house. I’d been with him for a year- for the second time! Then he blocked me from everything- phone Facebook messages- like I was the one in the wrong. I talked to the girl and she claimed only to be a friend- watching tv 12 midnight . Anyway why was I blocked from everything- I don’t want him back but I am totally confused

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Knowledge April 20, 2015

No contact is the best thing I have done!!!! Let me just start by saying I was in a 3 year relationship with a Narc. The worse 3 years of my life!! The Narc was true to form with practically every symptom, every action, even the very words I have come to learn they use. Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, verbal, psychological, these are some of the major types of abuse I have endured. The constant manipulation, deceit, sex addiction, the I’m right, you’re wrong, walking on egg shells, playing mind games, making everything about them, and so much more, it’s so psychotic and surreal. I have been in no contact for 11 months and it’s the best thing I have ever done. For me, the strength relied on knowledge. After extensive knowledge, reading, and researching I hit the nail on the head when I discovered the word and definition of Narcissistic personality disorder. I spent a whole year behind closed doors reading every website, watching videos, speaking to a therapist, and reading over 3 dozen books on the matter. I still am no expert because they maintain many twists and turns in their lives, but I tell you this and I hope it helps you all. Knowledge is power!! Once you begin to diagnose and break down why the Narc is the way they are, you begin to understand and pull yourself out of the abyss. You begin to realize that NOTHING will help them and al those times you were made to feel like crap is all a mere control game they play. So get out as fast as you can and never look back, otherwise it’s a lifetime of enduring pain. I’ll admit, once I learned everything I Knew, I decided to play the game back, but on my terms. I don’t recommend it, but I had to be secure in all the knowledge I had gained. I pulled every trigger to the T. Low and behold, every reaction, every situation and everything in general was on point. This somehow empowered me in realizing, I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t delusional, this is all for real!! We haven’t spoken, nor do I EVER intend to again. I went through the normal emotions of being sad, angry and hate. I honestly have to say, I’m not any of those things anymore. Sad to say, but I’m also not feeling sorry anymore for him. It was a learning experience for me, a true eye opener. Nowadays, I feel nothing when it comes to him. I feel no hate, not sorrowful, nothing, it’s as if I just don’t care anymore about him, sort of like poof he disappeared. The last and final thing for me was one of those usual tirade, blame and I’m going to ignore you bit. Every time I came running back, however not that last time because I felt like I had the upper hand of knowing all the knowledge I had as well as the downfall it will have if I continued. I do admit, I made the mistake of not completely erasing him from my world. Pure mistake on my part, not on purpose. I just didn’t think to block phones, emails and etc.. I just thought, I am away and it’s over. After a month, I received a text, a month after that several gifts in the mail, followed by another text, a card, a phone call and lastly friends of his. All in the 6-8 months after I initiated no contact. At first, I just ignored, then I thought to myself, this has to stop because I really don’t care anything about him, not maliciously I didn’t care, but I truly just don’t care. I came to a point that I changed my number, blocked his emails, canceled facebook, his friends as well, all of it. I left it as if I disappeared from the planet because mainly I don’t want to be bothered. I won’t ever respond and talk with him or anyone in his world no matter what. My advice to everyone is to research and know everything there is to know about NPD and finally get away fast to never look back ever again. This is YOUR life and life is short, live it freely and know that you always deserve better and that doesn’t have to be with someone else, I mean it in general!!!! I wish you all lots of strength, self love and knowledge!!!!

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lifeafter...! April 20, 2015

A Narcissistic person.

Sure they hurt, you have never experienced the Vampire in sheeps clothing untill you fall under their spell. The man / women you fell in love with is a fraud where you wound up completely lost in fog….! Word being, wtf just happened…to ME…When you begin to choose not to be codepentant the change happens. You start to wake up.
Yes you hv submitted, given, tried, safracifed but its gone……..WHY….! No answer…! You will never get one, ever.! REALLY YOU NEVER WILL… NO CLOSURE & DO NOT DWELL ON IT.

Just remember YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, it hurts like nothing you hv ever experienced before.

After 10 months I am moving on, letting go, forgiving, yes really forgiving.. Did me no good, wasted 10 months of my life……remember LIFE….! You are a good person now chin up, stop crying, moaning & find your peace. You will if you want it. Read so many blogs & they really helped me but you hv to help yourself. Feel for anyone who hooked with a NARC. Just do not repeat history. …!!
Hope you find peace, joy & love in your future. Cause I will & so will you.Smile 😉 xx

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kaz April 10, 2015

This article makes a lot of sense to me and opens up a lot of pain and hurt at the same time. I am still recovering from a 33 year marriage to a narc who left one day with no remorse no explanation no guilt at all. I do have a question though, I was the one who tried at first to fix our relationship he was civil I guess you could call it for one month until he found his new woman who by the way is very very ugly. Then I lost my shit why did I do that and message quite a bit some nasty some begging looking for answers that never came. I was broken to the point of suicide.
He rang me in the hospital said I was doing this for attention and yes I am seeing someone else
Then he became nasty cold and hurtful I could not take in what he was telling me. He has never loved me ever he never did anything with me or for me because he didnt want to he doesnt like me I controlled him, he did what ever he wanted our whole marriage was on his terms I see that now I was always on eggshells trying to make our lives happy
its been a year and a half and I am slowly finding myself again but why do I still miss him he left me in debt everything was in my name at his request I was on limited income he never offered help he has a pokie addiction and rarely sees or contacts his kids accept on his terms. I know now I am a beautiful person who has been played and im worthy of being loved

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purelysimplewords April 3, 2015

Reblogged this on purelysimplewords.

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Ann April 1, 2015

I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am that I found this site. I too just left a narcissist. Mine was the boy next door. We had that high school crush on each other when we were 16. He was the big football star. We reconnected forty years later when I went on to Classmates to RSVP that I would not be attending a high school reunion. Apparently he had emailed me THREE YEARS before but I never saw the email because I don’t go on Classmates. I was elated. I answered it and within five minutes he answered me back. We exchanged a few emails and then text messages and finally phone calls. I was coming out of a divorce. He invited me to come to his town and “heal” (and I use the term lightly) He offered me a job working with his company. So I took the bait. Once we started dating he was Mr. Wonderful. I just want you to heal. Don’t work until you’re ready. You’re so pretty. I can’t believe you’re here. You’ve always been my soul mate. Along with all that BS were the stories about his ex wives and girlfriends. They ALL cheated on him. He was abandoned by his mother when he was two and physically, mentally and emotionally bullied by his father. Right before I reconnected with him he had reconnected with his father. However, while in this relationship he and his father had a falling out. We went everywhere together. He even offered to finance my photography business. He couldn’t wait to meet my kids. Then the degrading fighting started. I went home to be with my children for Christmas Eve. I called him at 5:30 and told him I couldn’t wait to see him in the morning. My drive back to him was 5 hours long. When I returned on Christmas morning I had to endure 8 yes 8 hours of yelling and screaming at me because I didn’t call him after 5:30 the night before. He said this is why I don’t celebrate Christmas anymore. Because I’m always let down. Then he would ask me upon my return if I f*cked my ex husband. I introduced him to my boss at work and he asked me if I was f*cking my boss. The same with a young intern and the police chief. He was extremely crude when it came to sex and if he didn’t get the opportunity I didn’t get kissed the next morning. He would scream in my face so close that I could feel his spit hit my face. He called me “C”, a bully, a drama queen, a bitch and the next morning I would always have an I love you text on my phone as if nothing ever happened the night before. He was a total control freak. He bought me a car to drive in the snow and when he got mad it was “his car”. We were going to buy a new home, which he is moving into today. I suggested hanging our photography on the walls downstairs. His response was “It’s my home and I will decide what goes where”. He accused me of never buying groceries, cooking or cleaning. When I produced $1200.00 worth of receipts and laid out my cleaning day and the meals I cooked he laughed at me. He mimicked me all the time. He told me to shut up. Then came the silent treatment. That was fun. Then he would laugh at me. Last week in the middle of a fight I asked him to please stop. He started laughing at me grabbed his phone and said “Let me take your picture so you can see how stupid your face looks”. He smoked pot every twenty minutes in the evening until he went to bed. He arrived home before me and when I got there he had a glass of scotch in his hand and drank until he went to bed or passed out on the couch. His friends loved me and told him so in front of me. He didn’t seem to want to hear that after awhile but in the beginning he was elated. His daughter in law told me “You are the best thing that has ever happened to M. Finally he met someone who he couldn’t control.” My co-workers watched me crumbling. I didn’t even see it until two weeks ago looking at myself in the mirror I couldn’t believe how broken I looked. Thank God for a co-worker who, unfortunately, had also been abused. She came up to me last Thursday and told me to google “gas lighter”. She saved my life. I broke down at work, went in to my bosses office and resigned. I called my ex husband, God bless him, and he drove 5 hours, helped me load up and I left. The narcissist was no where to be found. He was so angry at me for “throwing him under the bus” at our last counseling session ( I told her about his past, his drinking, his smoking, his abandonment, his abuse, if he wasn’t lying) that he took off for the last week I was there. A Narcissist will run if their secrets are exposed. I told him I was moving out. The night before he left he told me he wanted me out April 1st. I told him I would be out sooner. Well he didn’t have control over that statement. When I left I took only what was mine, put the garage door opener, the key to the mailbox and the key to the house on the counter and never looked back. No note nothing for then he would gain control. I am healing. This hasn’t even been a week, but I am strong. I NEVER thought the boy next door would do this to me. We had history. We were in love all those years. Well thank God I got out before the blood bath started. I now pray for his next victim and I’m trying to pray for him but it’s difficult. The pleading voicemails he would leave when he thought I was leaving. “Honey, don’t go, don’t go please don’t leave me, I love you”. One time when he thought I was leaving he called my cell phone 55 times in a row. I even saw him fake tears when he thought I was leaving. He would never let me talk. He would constantly interrupt. He told me he didn’t want to hear about my work day but then proceeded to talk all about his. I would ask to watch a television show and he would not allow it. He wanted to watch his shows. Sex was all about him. He tried to beat me down. You don’t smile any more, you aren’t happy, you hate me, you don’t love me, you never loved me. I could write for days. He’s a self loather and probably a woman hater as well. The kicker about his father’s abuse is that I just spoke with his best friend of 55 years who told me that he never heard of M’s father abusing him that his father was a great guy. In any case NO NO NO CONTACT. I deleted all pictures, all phone numbers even remotely related to him. I’ve blocked him everywhere I can. My children have blocked him. Everything gone. To me he’s dead. And now I can start living. Not bad for not even being one week from leaving him. Trust me I tried many times to leave. Until I’d had enough it wasn’t going to happen. If you’re still going through this please have enough soon! I pray for you too.

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    Kim Saeed April 2, 2015

    Thank you, Ann, for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you went through (I can relate), but I’m so happy to know you have gone No Contact. Your story is an inspiration and I hope many people see it.

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Kristie March 27, 2015

Hi Kim, Do Narcs ever really truly love their partners/wife. My narcissistic BF acts like he is all loved up with me, but has all his ex’s as friends on FB and ex wives, and he likes all their statuses and pictures, yet ignores mine. . So it makes me doubt my view on things. I know for sure he is a narc, as he only thinks about himself, and has cheated on his first and second marriage, and other relationships. Incidently everyone at work thinks he is a great laugh! And he is indeed very charming. But I have seen the glare in his eyes, the stare that people describe about narcs.. he also has a heavy porn addiction. Can you advise me on the above issues, to explain these behaviours, many thanks Kristie

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    Kim Saeed March 28, 2015

    Hi Kristie, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. Based on the information you’ve shared, he certainly seems to be behaving in a narcissistic manner. If he’s truly a narcissist, then no, it’s highly unlikely that he has the ability to truly love.

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Kristie Collinson March 25, 2015

Hi Kim, I stupidly got involved with a married man, who I work with. He is a classic narcissist, very selfish, said he had cheated on his first wife, and now his second. He doesn’t appear to have any remorse, infact he acts like he was in some way proud of it. I asked him why he cheated, he said “high sex drive, and life is too short”.
He is still friends with all his ex g/f’s and his ex wife, and he tells me that his current wife is very insecure, and always checking his phone.
I know people will judge me, but really I hadn’t been in a relationship for many years, and I was only looking for some fun and thought I could handle the situation. However, after 4 months, I had fallen hook line and sinker in love with him, as he was so nice to me and had all the charm etc. etc.
However, 2 weeks ago I had to go into hospital for an operation, and am still off work. It suddenly dawned on me that I needed to finish things, as my feelings for him were getting to intense, and I knew he would not visit me, and didn’t care enough. I decided to stop contact, deleted and blocked his phone number and Facebook etc.
And though he may of called me, I will never know. But I miss him terribly, even though I know the no contact is absolutely the right thing to do.
So the situation now is when I return to work, I need some advice how to handle this as its going to be awkward with the “no contact” thing.
Please let me know the best way to deal with it, with him.
Thanks, Kristie

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    Kim Saeed March 25, 2015

    Hi Kristie. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you’re recovering well after your operation. Regarding the NC situation at work – it may feel uncomfortable, but the best approach is to simply ignore him. If you run into him in the break room, just try to pretend he isn’t there. Further, if he’s the only one in there, just turn around and walk back out. If he approaches you, trying to initiate a conversation, try to remain professional and use as little eye contact as possible.

    If it gets to the point where he won’t leave you alone, ask for a transfer to another location (if they exist within your company), or start looking for a new job.

    You may have been hoping for something a bit less challenging, but theses are typically the only options in the case of a co-worker Narc…

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      Kristie Collinson March 25, 2015

      Hi Kim, bless you thanks so much for your advice. I will do just that. Do Narcs ever really truly love their partners/wife. I am struggling with this, as he acts like he is all loved up with her, and has all his ex’s as friends on FB. So it makes me doubt my view on things. But I know for sure he is a narc, as he only thinks about himself, and has cheated on his first and second marriage, and other relationships. Incidently everyone at work thinks he is a great laugh! And he is indeed very charming. But I have seen the glare in his eyes, the stare that people describe. Oh and did I tell you that he has a heavy porn addiction. Can you tell me anything about this also, as I need as much info in my mind when I return to work. Thanks ever so, Kristie x

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    Ann April 1, 2015

    Kristie,
    The best way to deal with him is by NOT dealing with him. It’s important to get that mindset that he just doesn’t exist anymore. I just left my relationship. It hasn’t even been a week. I tried to leave probably ten times in a year and a half. When I was leaving the first time I wrote him a three page letter. He read it and responded “Well this letter isn’t any different than all the others I’ve received”. Please don’t worry about what others may think. You have to save yourself. I have an amazing support group I didn’t even know I had. They all saw what was going on but knew I had to make this decision on my own. They watched me become a former shell of myself and I’m a very strong person. It wasn’t until I saw that I was a former shell of myself that I realized what was going on. Take care of yourself first. That was very hard for me to do because I’m a pleaser but you have to save yourself. Unfortunately, mine was the love of my life, the boy next door. We reconnected after 40 years. I’ve never left a relationship without being friends, however in this particular case that will not work. He’s dead to me. Try to get there if you can.

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stacey March 22, 2015

I was with my narcissist ex only for a year. I was not happy and I was totally drained. I went from a very independent confident person to a complete mess. I have been off sick from work for three months and I basically cut out most of my friends and family. Three weeks ago something clicked in my head after a number of outbursts from him. And I thought to myself this isn’t me I don’t smile I don’t laugh I don’t do anything anymore . My life and mind is totally consumed with this man. I kicked him out. But the next day I panicked and called him and he arranged to come home which to this day I have no idea why I did this. That night I caught him on dating sites and messaging other girls and when I confronted him for the first time ever he turned violent and tried to strangle me. At the beginning of our relationship my friends and family noticed a significant change in me and my sister decided to contact his ex girlfriend. She told us what he was like and all the things he had put her through but I choose to beleive him. But throughout our relationship in have seen snipets n of what she had said and in my gut I kinda always knew it was the truth. But part of me wanted it to be wrong. She said he will get violent cheat and then just discard tou as if you were nothing. He called her a jelous psycho ex that he never loved and I used to joke saying so if we break up I will be the next psycho ex. His response was i never knew true love existed till I met you and I would never do that to you . Yet here I am in the same position as she was. Just before I confronted him with his infidelity he was sat telling me to trust him with my heart beleive in him I’m his world he would never hurt me and what type of Man do you think I am to which I hen showed him the proof. I didn’t hear from him for a week and I stuck to no contact I also seemed hypnotherapy which seemed to work. Then in the second week I attended hypnotherapy again but the same day I cracked and I contacted him . I think the thing is I read so much on narcissist and have since spoken to his ex girlfriend I expected him to call. Which I still don’t understand why because I don’t want to be with him. I suppose I just felt I wanted the upper hand to be able to say no. Anyway on calling him he was cold and said you kicked me out you made this choice blaming it all on me saying he had changed everything to be with me he is a good man etc. Completely forgetting that he was coming home untill I found messages to other women. And completely forgetting that he had tried to strangle me. He was adament it was over and said it does hurt here is no one else but he has to get on with his life. I am sat here totally confused by it all . Narcissist are said to hoover. Is he playing games or has he got someone else because I can’t understand from what is said about narcissist they hate to be alone so how can he walk away without anything. I know I confronted him and there was no way out for him but usually it says they will return. I know this sounds silly and your proberly asking why would I want him to return but for some sad reason I want him to so I can be the one saying no. I beleived in this man I beleived everything he told me even when I had warnings. He went out of his way to get me to trust him knowing I had trust issues anyway . I felt worshipped and special and I think that’s what kept me hanging on. I keep telling myself I was not happy. And I don’t miss him as such but I feel so alone my family and friends have been fantastic but they just see it as a break up they don’t really understand how much that man got into my head. I keep having thoughts of him with other girls even though I know deep down they will never be happy and they will be in the same position I am one day . When I was wih him I wanted to go to places with my friends and family when invited. But never coukd. But now I’m sat here all alone as people have thier own lives and although I get invited places quite often it’s not all the time and I’m feeling myself pining for him more and more. I don’t partically want to leave the house although to this weekend I have made myself do some decorating but I can’t get him out of my head and I am draining myself . Why do I want him to call? Why can’t I accept what he is? Why do I feel so alone even though when he was here I wasn’t happy? Why do I think of him with somebody else? I feel like I’m going insane. And I just want to stop feeling this way .

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Chris March 17, 2015

Hi Kim,

I see the #1 tool in dealing with exiting a narcissistic abusive relationship and living again is no contact. Any suggestions on dealing with a narcissistic ex spouse you have to co parent with? While dealing with the emotional, financial, mental and spiritual devastation left in the wake of being a co dependent to a passive aggressive, narcissistic sociopath of an ex spouse is extremely challenging, not being able to employ the A#1 tactic of true ‘no contact’ makes it even more challenging. I find myself exposed to everything I need to avoid at an all too regular basis. No contact isnt going to happen. I need a different tactic, set of tools……whether it is re-training my brain to deal w/ situation differently emotionally and or mentally or training myself to dummy down expectations or training myself mentally for what I’m bound to encounter, because there is almost no way of being involved in my kids’ lives w/o having to deal with their mom and all the bs that goes with it. She can expertly push my buttons…..even now that I’m more aware than ever. I’m still finding it difficult deal with. Just thinking out loud…….I need a simple game plan that I can execute at a moments notice……you know what I mean? Some go to reflexive defense mechanisms. A good defense is a good offense. I need a different skill set. no contact, avoidance isn’t gonna happen.
Any ideas?????

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Connie March 12, 2015

I need help send me info my guy is in jail 8 years of anise ant to get free hurting so much right now

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    Kim Saeed March 13, 2015

    What kind of info are you looking for, Connie?

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Gladys Brierley January 24, 2015

I am a private investigator and I deal with this subject with my clients. It pains me to see the devastation that narcissism brings on a family. I believe it is enhance or even at times established after years of addiction to porn, substances or some other life controlling issue. That person may have found inner healing in a more positive way but instead he or she went to overdosing on some bad habit and then it became all about him or her. I find in my situation my husband and I have children that are narcissists and that has brought much pain in our lives as a blended family. It also hurts our grandchildren because the cycle continues. We have had to put up the no contact sign for years and then would give them another chance and the cycle started over again. Now we are in our 60s and I just don’t think we want to go there anymore. We will be open to our grandchildren when they are able to contact us but after all the extensions of love and forgiveness we are weary in well doing, forgiveness is one thing but reestablishing communication is not lifely. I told one step-daughters husband unless she went into two years of professional counseling I would have no communication with her. While we terribly miss our precious grandchildren, we no longer have to dance on eggshells and watch the horror show of her unfit parenting.

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Island Girl January 20, 2015

This is amazing advice. It’s as if you knew my ex personally. I did the no contact and he apologized and cried and I let him right back in. He definitely tried to make me pay for the initial no contact. I left and this time, I blocked him on email, text etc. To be honest, I had to do that because I don’t believe I’m strong enough yet to read an apology text from him and not respond. I’m getting stronger daily and advice like this helps me also. Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed January 20, 2015

    Thank you for reading my post and for sharing. It’s really wonderful that you blocked him because any type of engagement puts you at risk of letting him back in. Further, due to the pathology of Narcissism, they literally cannot learn from their “mistakes” Although using the term “mistakes” is misleading because it implies they don’t have malignant intentions.

    Your best bet is to keep him blocked. They cannot and will not change simply because they don’t have the capability to reflect on how their actions create havoc in their lives. The crying and apologizing aren’t because he’s truly sorry, but because he knows that’s how you’ll forgive him and take him back. It’s best not to leave yourself open for that, so kudos for keeping him blocked because you know you might feel weak. Great job!!

    Reply
Steven January 18, 2015

Hi There..

I just wanted to say thank you for this website and this blog…
My Fiance left me on the 9th of december 2013 and its been hell on me…..this after she told me the day before how much she loves and and and and……every text and phone call after that has been her screaming, shouting and name calling…..Thing like “you are dead to me” “You little sick F%$k” “I will destroy u” those are just some of the terms she used…….I left our home with the clothes i owned and my car and i left everything that we have built and bought together in the past 2 years there…..even our pets which breaks my heart…..I had to go back a week later to get important documents and even that was hell where she couldn’t even look me in the eyes……all she had to say was how bad i was and how needy and clingy i was……bearing in mind i was a strong confident man when i met her and i started doubting myself and my sanity as the relationship progressed…..i have even sought the help of a clinical psychologist…..and thanks to her pointed out that she might be narc after we broke up……I am only on my second week of no contact and i have shut every bit of social media that i was on down completely…….

It feels good that the world does not know what goes on in my life….Its a tough road having to rebuild from scratch but i will get there…..This person has left incredibly deep scars because i trusted her with everything i had in me…..

With that i just want to say thank you……Whenever i feel like i am slipping i come and read the posts on here.

Thankyou.

Steve

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    Kim Saeed January 18, 2015

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing, Steve.

    Kudos for deactivating your social media sites. These are the downfall of many a victim of Narcissists for a few reasons, but the two main ones are that targets of abuse stay on social media and never successfully implement No Contact. Secondly, social media platforms are another avenue for the Narcissist to carry out their devalue and discard.

    I’m glad you are seeing a psychologist. Have you considered incorporating transformational healing methods such as guided meditations, reiki massage, and/or quanta healing?

    Wishing you the best – Kim

    Reply
      Steven January 18, 2015

      Hi yes i have..I decided to enroll in a complete usui reiki course in two weeks time…its harf to forget about her but know in time that will heal…I miss her….or maybe its the idea of who she was when it started…..so far she has not trued to contact me in two weeks but I know it will happen sooner or later and when it does happen I will not respond at all……she truly hurt me to the core and all I ever did was love her unconditionally. …..I have until this day not even say a bad word to her or about her….she keeps on calling me a narc…….my psycholigist disagrees. …thank u for your support….the guided meditation sounds good…..where can I get hold of something like that

      regards

      steve

      Reply
    chankla2 November 17, 2015

    Amen! Scars for sure on all of us here..
    Guy/Girl NARC same difference…
    Always ABT them they DONT change just adjust a bit to each supply, period.
    Hang tight!
    IT does get better, it does take effort on OUR part…
    N/C ultimate insult to them….
    Love, Peace Normalcy , New Love , Independence
    My soul is mine, I stil believe in love
    NARCS are HOLLOW….
    Blessings…..
    7yrs I wasted w/my male NARC btw****

    Reply
made58 December 6, 2014

Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.

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Leah November 29, 2014

My heart is broken , feel Like my world is shattered . My breakup to date is 6 weeks old from a five year relationship. I took my Narc and his children into my home as he lost everything in his divorce . He lived here free helped with a few bills but yes free . I saw therelationship change 2 years ago , no love no empathy no affection and catering to his every need when he gave me nothing .. I lost my job and fell into depression he would watch me cry never a ounce of love sympathy and in financial trouble , my house is in foreclosure my esteem low due to no love . 6 weeks ago had a breakdown and my Narc used me and deserted me , chewed me up literally and spit-me out . Never in my life has anyone treated me this way . Hardest 6 weeks of my life . Just started no contact 3 days ago
What a knot in my stomach and knife in my heart . This truly is the cruelest form of abuse
I thank these sites for helping me through

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    beth smith July 17, 2015

    I’ll say it again… I can’t believe it took me so long to start questioning what was going on… I see my situation (generally, emotionally, etc…) in every one of yours. To find a community of people who have been through this is priceless.

    Although it will still take time to come out of the other side of my situation (on day 4 of NO CONTACT after a 3-year relationship and approx. the last year of that in this confusing, frustrating, sickening hell), it helps to know it’s NOT ME!

    I feel like a light went on in my world. I can see things clearer, my mood has lightened, I’m a bit more patient than I’ve been, and I’m not thinking about the relationship incessantly. It was really crippling.

    I wish all of the rest of you peace… hang in there, and keep expressing yourselves… talking and sharing in a safe place is an incredible gift and healing tool.

    Peace, bsmithbflo

    Reply
Surayya November 11, 2014

hello Kim , I see my October post still awaits moderation?

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Dianne November 10, 2014

I’ve had this for 25 years ,& after yet one more adoration & discard phase ,I’ve had many of these cycles over the years!!I finally refused him contact & for the first time called the police after horrible threats & lots of previous violence One of my daughters said he was like a cancer In my heart,& I certainly feel that’s the case,it’s like being stabbed from the inside out…..

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Anonymous November 10, 2014

Wow so happy I found this site. 15 years and three children with my ex. He left for another woman, had a child to her and left her as well. In the last 6 months has had 3 girlfriends, all of which were “the love of his life” He loves to parade them in my face and that of his kids. Glad to know that although he thinks he’s clever it will bite him on the bum. Thanks for your wonderful work!

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Giving Guy November 8, 2014

If you love a narcissist—if you really love him—then you have to be strong enough to love him without expecting anything in return. It’s the only way they know how to be in relationships.

As a child, the narcissist-to-be was flooded with praise and attention. This created an impossible standard. So, the child learned that he could “harvest” more affection from his parents by pretending to be the perfect son. In turn, a gap between the True Self (insecure, needs attention) and the False Self (seeks power, adoration, polished appearance, needs nobody) took form. A narcissist doesn’t love himself; he hates himself for not being the Little Prince his caregivers expected him to be. As such, all narcissists—grandiose, covert, et cetera—are very sad people beneath the veneer. By cheating on their partners, exploiting their “friends,” and fooling others, they are expressing the need to be “bad” that was suppressed in early childhood and beyond. (This is also why many narcissists enjoy cruel and/or degrading sex with “whores” outside of their relationships.)

A narcissist CAN change, but it has to be his decision. Unfortunately, most narcissists never realize the paradox of their behavior (i.e., that by being invulnerable, they are actually pushing love away). In rare instances, some narcissists do make an effort to change when they reach their 40s and 50s and realize that their lives are largely devoid of meaning.

If you let the narcissist know that you need him, he will grow bored and abandon you. (Similar to the relationship between a child and his parents, a narcissist need “confident love” from his partner.) In other words, you have to be emotionally and financially independent of him. Whether or not he ever sees the depth of your sacrifice depends entirely on his ability to grow. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like the other personality disorders, is characterized by a spectrum. If you need to be loved back, then this is not the relationship for you.

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    Teresa January 7, 2015

    Thank you for the post!! After 18 years of being in a N relationship I have decided to leave and at 62 it was not an easy decision. I really miss him, I somehow keep hanging on to the good times we had early in the relationship. He is still controlling me, everything that I own is with him, I left with the clothes on my back afraid to go back into the house. It has been almost 4 months and I have not heard from him. In my sick mind I keep hoping that he will cal.It is soooo hard, I wonder if I have PTSD

    Reply
    Sam May 27, 2015

    The problem is, most people do not love themselves or have not been given the love they need as children. Narcissists are not always spoiled little brats, they are also abused themselves or grow up believing nothing they did is ever good enough. So they develop low self esteem and are always craving attention of others rather than finding the self love they need. I’ve found that self love finally in my mid 30s but I also think narcissists are born and not necessarily made. I’ve witnessed this in some genuine loving families where you see the one or all children taking on narcissistic traits and you wonder where they came from. You can love a narcissist from afar but like the author of this article is saying, they are constantly after supply. They are predatory in nature and incapable of emotional independence. They consider your energy, your accomplishments, your ideas are theirs. Few are creative and usually take their ideas from others they admire or whatever persona they’re trying to emulate. We need to stop tolerating these traits and expose them for what they are. The worst thing you can do to a narc is expose their lies and show the world who they truly are. Stop sympathizing with the abusers and start seeing the pattern and get off the merry-go-round.

    Reply
    2cravings November 17, 2015

    NPD as a spectrum, as Giving Guy said last November…it would explain how my NARC is, and is not, like the descriptions here. With every post that contains a dissimilar portrayal, I find myself tempted to believe he’s not a NARC. Then I read something eerily familiar. And I have to face the truth.

    I need to decide that, yes, he IS a NARC, look instead for the similarities (that is a very 12-step thing to do, BTW) and learn whatever will keep me in No Contact mode. I know this man is unhealthy for me. I owe it to myself to move on. And I will.

    Reply
      chankla2 November 17, 2015

      These sites are great! I smile as I’m reading more posts on N/C with the NARC!
      Mine was smooth, shady no violence, abuse. Now I know it was all planned.
      Give them what they want, You discard them ,N/C!!!!!
      All that GLITTERS ISNT GOLD, Never
      Remember that!!!! Supply Supply Supply, always moving, yet same pattern…
      Get BK to You!!!!!
      Social Media I cnt stress enough is an illusion!!!! blah blah
      Dont go on SM!!!!
      No they dont care!!!!!
      Learn, force yourself to go forward!
      I promise one day, YOULL look BK an YOULL be on your way to feeling different ABT the NARC……
      Yes I still cry, baffled, its done, THYRE on to the next supply…
      It will come BK around, watch ….
      Strength, Love, To new love, New life
      To Us!!!!
      Blessings to EVRYBODY on this journey!!!!

      Reply
Surayya October 26, 2014

I have a question for everyone. What ever happened to the Disease AIDS? most of us here have experienced life with narcissist. And narcissists sleep around!!! most have unprotected sex. So if they have been doing this most of their lives, how come they aren’t infected yet? I am so hopping my ex N ends up with one, It is the only way he will realize the pain he has inflicted upon me and who knows other women out there and he wont be able to pray on innocent women like us. Amen

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Sally October 19, 2014

oh, my goodness. it is so unbelievable that the narcs have such control and power over our feelings. in fact, it is quite supernatural isn’t it? i am beginning to wonder what all on the spiritual level is involved in these situations.

today, i am feeling lucky. today, i am feeling happy. even though i only spent 6 months or so with the narc, and in a long distance relationship, it really affected me. i cannot imagine what 1 year or 5 years or even 20-30 years would be like. i haven’t seen my narc in over five months, but he is still a shadow in my life. i am going NC now, and i’ve been doing pretty well, but every once in a while, i want to call him, or email him, but i haven’t, and i won’t.

i felt like i was going to die, not only because of the devalue and the discard, but from feeling that i couldn’t breathe when this monster was around me. his oppressive energy permeated my body. i had to really garner my strength to talk back, to not do what i was told, to defy him and fight back, and not be afraid. i hated how he tried to stifle my joy, hurt my pride, make me feel insecure. hurt me in a million little ways, withhold sex, and affection. dastardly, mean-spirited, evil things he would do and say.

he had a very queer habit of looking at other women at the store, where he would literally walk right up to a woman in close proximity and try to establish eye contact with her. frankly, i always thought that the women were a little strange too. sometimes, i’m not sure if they ignored him, or if he was invisible to them or what, because they would pay no attention whatsoever most of the time. he is a handsome man, although i see that his beauty is fading, his youth crumbling. my mother used to say that the life a person had lived showed on their faces. so, maybe that’s why. it was also strange that he can look completely different, almost like a different person on any given day, and i think that he literally morphs into someone else depending on what woman he’s with. it’s as if he can arrange and rearrange his face, and change his mannerisms and persona at will. he once bragged to me early in the relationships that he was like a chameleon. i could smack myself for not seeing That RED flag.

i was very in love with my ex, but thankfully it has been fading. i have been dating other men, and it is a good distraction, and i’ve been having fun. i have also sought out girlfriends to hang out with, and i think that has been the most therapeutic of all.

fake it, ’til you make it! i believe i will get over this completely in another few months, especially if i maintain the NC. i think that’s pretty crucial. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.

thank you, all of you, wonderful women on here that are sharing your stories. it is a source of strength, and helps fuel determination never to be abused again by one of these types of people. this blog helps me keep NC.

thank you for educating people, so they know what they are dealing with. i wish blessings on all of you, and that we will all HEAL completely and then never look back, except to help others.

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    Margaret Miller March 21, 2015

    I too once was a victim of an ex boyfriend that used and emotionally abused me back in 2007 I just ffigured he had only a mild criminal record as he made himself sound as though he had only been to jail for mild violations like suspended license tickets,or disorderly conduct with fights to make long story short it turns out he not only had judicated felonies but several misdemeanors. The guy turned out a scumbag cheating on me ruined alot it me along time to get my esteem back often wondering how I was attracted to such a monster. He ended up breaking the law twice more graduating himself to prison and when he got out had the nerve to contact me. The first time I was thinking he learned his lesson but he didn’t so I basically in kind words told him to kick rocks leave me alone.

    Reply
      hate narcissistt March 21, 2015

      Narcs are disgusting they need a taste of there own medicine!!!

      Reply
    Sam May 27, 2015

    You hit the nail on the head, Sally, regarding the supernatural. I think I could have seen through the lies and the abuse sooner had mind control not been involved. I think there truly are demons inside these men who allow themselves to be taken over. The “green eyed monster” is not just a figure of speech and it’s a form of possession of the ego. They have an uncanny ability to choose victims who have low self esteem or come from dysfunctional families or got out of abusive relationships. It’s like a tag that you need to remove before you can truly heal and never attract another evil person in your life. No contact extends to family and friends who also have narcissistic traits because it becomes one big feedback loop and forces you back into the victim mentality. Extreme religious beliefs are not exempt from this type of narcissistic programming and my stbx is proof of that. It seems to me that our society makes narcissism acceptable or celebrated, which just sets up the next generation to be abused by them again.

    Reply
Anonymous October 9, 2014

How can I ever thank you for sharing all the information with me/us. I had the nightmare experience of a narsisist lover for 5 years. Killing me slowly but surely. Every word out of his mouth….a lie……. Controlling everybody in his surroundings. They are simply sick!!!!!!!
We have to run…….yeh…..not only walk away.

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lucy October 2, 2014

leigh1588

Recent comment was not to you LEIGH. i thought i was replying to the lady from chicago with a little boy.

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lucy October 2, 2014

i read your story this am. you are very lucky your not in jail right now. you have allowed yourself to stoop to his level. my advice is to move away from this man. you dont need his money. you can care for your son alone. if you dont leave you must get help right away. do not i repeat do not tell or write on here about the crazy things you have done. i would ask that your responses here be erased. you need to get meds to control your nerves or exercise and vitamins etc. if you feel a like you might do something to your ex and his mother dont! look at your little boy he needs you ! stop letting your ex control your life. ill share a little bit of my past with you. my ex not the recent one my kids dad. he was a very mean man. he took our kids away from me years ago. id lost my job and was a mess. his family knew the judge from church. my exe and his wife beat on my kids and starved them too. id give them food to stash in there closets or toy boxes etc . well 9 years later after my divorce and 7 years dealing with my ex wife n him my exe got cancer. he ended up dieing a horrible death. everyone around me agreed he had lived a selfish life and treated our kids like animals.nit to mention he threw me in jail because i could not afford to pay support for our kids. i had 2 other kids at home and bills and more bills i barley made it as it was,. and 1 of my 2 at home was his legally . but in order to keep her from him i had to tell the courts his was not her biological father. Anyways what im trying to say is leave it in gods hands! he will take care of it! you sow what you reap!! i also have another boy whose sperm donor is a monster too.im seeing the unhealthy pattern here . anyways these monsters will be punished but not by us. To be honest they do themselves in. so stop doing anything to your ex. i can tell you yo wil get caught. and your ex or his family will win then! and maybe get your son! and you wil have to do supervised vists. So seriously think of moving or rather you stay etc get help. do not ever speak of anything youve done to your ex again. not to a female friend not to anybody. get a med to help with your nerves so you can calm down. if you dont listen to me you will end up losing it all. HES NOT WORTH IT! dont let him win by turning into him. please i pray you will be ok.GOD SPEED!

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lucy September 30, 2014

mine left me in April of this year.I had just moved back into his flat.He left me after an argument. He came back and told me i triggered things from his past.He said hed been abused by a female as a young boy 13 and 14.And that his parents got him help.But he claims the therapist told him he couldn’t be fixed.I ended up doing over the phone counselling with a preacher i know.He has worked with many couples for years sorting through issues etc. He told me it was odd how my ex came back after he left and told me about the sexual abuse he went through .He felt it was possibly a lie.He felt that my ex was trying to get my pity and play victim.As time went by my ex eventually stopped coming by the house.He continues to ignore its been 6 months since he left me.He has not been here or spoken to me in 4 months. He let me have the house.He told my friend where he gets his hair cut he felt sorry for my kids so he left me the house.He pays everything here.Even thou ive offered him money via email and us mail.I have no other way to contact him.Since he lives at a family members vacation house.His dad yelled at me when i attempted to confront my ex a few months ago.It obvious my ex called him because he didn’t want to deal with me. Which hurts because my kids think of him as a dad. just wanted closure. After all i left him for 6 months.He love bombed me again.Then when he got me back here he started to act funny not wanting to be intimate or cuddle etc . He was once again being very rude to me like he had in the past.My ex actually admitted to me once he used sex to control me.He said i know you like sex and cuddling so i withhold it from you when you are not being good. I realize im ignorant for even moving back here.Now im so weak and sad there’s days i just want to give up. I keep telling myself he must want he must care or he would not do what he does. He would toss me and kids out .I have talked to friends and they tell me to stay on till im ready to move on.They also say i should leave so i can move on.My ex pays my car insurance and gas electric water and cable . He also owns the house i live in. Im content here most days.But there are days where i feel like im going mad.I dont get why he would do these things? Maybe so he feels like his God? He always seemed to act like he was god amongst men. He would laugh when id tell him who do you think you are god? He often laughed at times when things were not funny.If he wasn’t laughing he was telling me to shut the beep up. He was a very moody man.He also told me in may had a mental breakdown because of our fight.So i told him to get help.He told me he.was not going to get help. He goes to work and i know this because ive driven by there .I was worried something might of happened to him. Slowly im getting my life in order. I know i cant be here forever.Its not easy with a mentally challenged son age 18.And 2 other kids at home.My ex and my boys were very close.They used to do all kinds of things together.Sometimes i think he will come here one day soon and expect me to take him back.I feel like im a doll hes put on a shelf until he derides to deal with me.I feel like a child thats being punished for speaking out. I have panic attacks alot since hes left.Im lucky i get money for my kids since their dad passed so i can be home with them .But im looking for a part time job as a nurse so i can get out of the house.not to mention save for the future when i move on from here etc.I also tell myself i should be grateful that he cares for us still .Yet deep down i feel like a loser. Any positive advice would be nice.thanks

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    lucy October 2, 2014

    Your not alone either.you need to get out and make a life for yourself.Do you have kids? How old are you ? AI am 39 now i just had a birthday last sat.That day was hard because it was the first birthday without him. I actually had really nice day with my kids.We went horse back riding.Then we took a long drive to this quaint little town called Galena. later we stopped in another small town for a nice meal.The whole time i could not help but feel guilty for having fun without my ex.He was always very controlling. He always complained when he did take me and kids out.He could not let us forget he paid for the meal or outing etc.Even thou the last few years ive paid for alot of things.Ive had more money than hum because my kids dad passed.He really hated that too.He said its not fair i have to work hard for everything i get. While you sit here and get paid.I told him my ex died of cancer.I would rather him be here . It was like i was never allowed to enjoy life.And of i did have a few happy days he would punish me later.He often told me to shut the beep up.I waiting on mine like he was a king. I realized i enabled him. Me and my kids were hos slaves.Ge would have us fetch everything for him from a glass of water to the remote.He controlled everything .Now i live in fear he may toss me and kids out.Yet on some level i dont care if he does.I know ill be ok.For now im staying on here on his home.I realize he wil come over someday soon and the abuse will start all over.

    Reply
      Surayya October 25, 2014

      hello sally , i read your post and i felt you describing my ex narcissist, walking up to women just to make eye contact and that he would look different everyday!!!!!!!and your mother is right, how they lived their life will show in their face. I saw the same in my ex narcissist. He looks so much older than his age and absolutely no charm in his looks anymore. Just a piece of rotten flesh walking is what he is today.

      Reply
      Mimi Pollier April 21, 2015

      Dear LifeAfter:
      you are so right.. they just keep hurting us.. i also tried for the last year to hold on and play his sick game.. but in the end he ended up coming back again (his back and fourth game) and leave again for the same sick loser he was cheating on me from day one. the hurt and betrayal is so bad and your right still don’t know why he did it again. he lies/cheats and blames me for everything. thats’ whats so hard to understand the blaming . i just had to comment how they really try to convince you that it’s all your fault. i try to come back but you screw up. what do i do? your the one who keeps this looser around and leaving me for her. he talks about how much he loves me and im in his heart. i know now its just all a lie. takes along time to get to that place.
      thank you for sharing, please repy if you can. mimi

      Reply
leigh1588 September 29, 2014

I have just found this site in the last few days…(in the wee weekend hours when I came sobbing and stumbling to my ole pal Google and typed in, “how do I break away from a narcissist”? )
I am still in shock to have found the last six years of my life outlined so clearly for me. It’s been painfully eyeopening but oddly comforting.

I’ve found myself this past month in the big discard phase — though there have been countless, *countless* times over the years where I’ve been “thrown away” …it’s the “Big One” of silent treatments and rejections; the one where he finally runs around to everyone who’ll listen and announces, “We both decided it was time to break up. We’re still friends. I am doing SO great.”

And every few days he drops in with a false little nugget of hope, “I am so confused.”

No contact?? Yea, I’ve tried that countless, countless times as well. I am barely hanging onto my “No Response” rule, but you are correct — I’ve only set myself up to be ignored, rejected, and discarded again.

I literally feel like I am going to die.
Oh, did I mention I’m a recovering alcoholic? Yea..I’ve made almost 1000 days without a drink. (While my loved ones supported and cheered *every* day and every victory, this man tore down every attempt to succeed. “Ohhhh please, so you didn’t drink today? Well, how many cigarettes did you smoke? Phhhhhhpppttt on your sobriety; you still kill yourself with smoking.”

If I don’t get on top to the pain and sadness, I am terrified of drinking. I’m staying tight w/ my sponsor; my A.A. network — I even consented to seeing a hypnotherapist. I’ve had one visit.

Just…thank you so much for being here. For this blog. …for this information and posts. I feel a little less alone.
xo
leigh

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    lucy September 30, 2014

    i know how you feel .I have set myself up by pitting up with my ex for the last 6 years. he always threatened to toss me and kids out in the street when we fought. this came after i stood up to him and told me to leve me alone. i would tell him why i was mad and cry . he looked at me and would tell me i was a bitch or slut etc. then when it was over later he always told me i only said those things because you made me mad. he said i would never throw you and kids out. even after he left i feared id have to move again. he even asked me after he told me about his child hood abuse etc if i would ,ove out in a few months! then turns around email me and says i am not going to throw you and kids out. i couldnt live with myself knowing you didnt have a decent place to live. now he refuses to speak to me. but pays the bills here? i dont get it? i guess its so he can be the hero to his friends n family. he can say if it wasnt for me her and her kids would have nothing. by the way he a devote catholic. yet he has never lived by the rules of his church. ive seen this alot with men ive dated in the past. they claim to be a good god fearing man etc. yet in the end they are not. my old doctor told me a real catholic man would not live with a lady unless they were married.im a protestant but i no longer attend church. i had issues with men asking me out . its a place of worship. Anyways im a mess and its my fault. i should be a person. sorry its a bad day for me.

    Reply
      lucy September 30, 2014

      big hug and i think you sound like a wonderful person! your doing good with not drinking. it seems negative men or women are so unhappy with themselves they cant say nice things to us. only when they want something from us.i pray for mne and write letters to him. i tried no contact but he doesn’t come over to talk. i know my letters go into a spam box. or he reads them and it feeds his already large ego. hes a very good looking guy all my friends would say hes so cute where did you meet him? etc etc he is quite the charmer whe he wants to be. or when he wants me to buy him things. funny how now he cares for my needs. yet for years he kept asking me for more and more every month towards bills. maybe thats why he pays things for me now. maybe the man finally feels gulity for the way he treated me? i dont know but at leasrt talking or writing you i can feel some relief. i know im not alone and im not nuts. and you are not either. you and i and others will make it through the darkness. rather you believe in god or science etc having faith in something helps us through it all. there is hope life does go on after they leave us.

      i cant help but think of that country song called white lair or earl by the dixie chicks.. even thou i would not wish my ex to die. i love him very much. but i wish that part of him would die and the good parts would be all thats left. so then we could be together.

      Reply
        leigh1588 October 1, 2014

        Thank you! Thank you for your reply, I read through it with, “OMG, honey, I KNOW”.
        I have felt absolutely dazed and shell-shocked the last few days as all the information starting coming in and the pieces starting fitting together. (And yet still that piece of my brain screams, “ALL these people could still be wrong. They don’t know him! Any day now he’s going to need me back….any…time now….maybe next week)
        My ex is a “looker”, too, with a gigantic ego. I remember once when he learned I’d blocked his number he laughed , “Why would you block somebody who doesn’t want to call you anyway?”
        *Everything* has been just as this blog outlines — how in the beginning it was the most passionate connection I’d ever known. He told me I was his soul-mate. I’d never met a man so smart — a software designer who operates in genius levels. He is also *extremely* eccentric, severely agoraphobic and socially awkward. He works from home because he’s too terrified to leave his loft except for few tiny trips he manages. (around the corner to the gym. he likes the gym. it’s full of mirrors.) He lets *nobody* into his world, but he let *me* in. I MUST be special. I *must* be smart if this brilliant man wants to talk to me?! He talks to, like, 4 people?!?”
        I was struggling with recovery at the time we got together, I’d battled an eating disorder for years and alcohol was always lurking as a danger. There were immediate red flags, of course, but I ignored them. I was “damaged”..he needed me. He *needed* me to be damaged, so that he could feel remotely normal? The only way he’s stayed on top of his crushing insecurities these past 6 years is to pull the rug out from under every attempt I made to get better. (4 years ago i entered at treatment center for depression and anorexia (and booze, I was drunk every day by this point. he couldn’t be located for 2 days then publicly *outed* my hospitalization on FB. )
        Almost 3 years ago, he broke up w/ me (another big discard) “He just couldn’t take ANY more.”
        Well, how could I blame him, right? He called me crazy almost every single day. How could I expect him to keep wanting me?
        Somehow that *flipped* a switch for me, and I hauled my butt into an A.A. meeting. Funny thing is?? That meeting changed my life *THAT* night. That hour. They told me to keep coming back, and I did; and I have. I *do* have a connection with a “higher power” now.
        He came immediately back as well, swearing that he would change too. He’d get help for his anxieties and own issues and would treat me with respect and kindness, like a girlfriend. like a soul-mate.
        But the last 2-1/2 years have just been worse. ….I’m *doing* my part. I’m working the program; I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve got to recover for me. That fact that I have a “God” in my life now that is not him?? Yea, that’s gone over really bad. 😛 He finally admitted he had no interest in changing and that he was “so tired of my love.” The problem is that he’s very financially successful; my money is pretty clearly a wreck. I’ve maintained a full time job, but it’s not enough…I have made *many* mistakes; I’m trying to fix them. But my need for his financial help has *always* been his way of control. “Here I go, bailing you out AGAIN. You’ll NEVER grow up!” He knows I’m terrified right now. (if he even thinks about it.)
        It’s frightening to realize somebody needs you to be sick and broken and damaged just so they can get by. 🙁

        My gracious, I’m sorry for writing so much. While everyone in my tight little support network knows *something* bad is going on — they worry about my weight,and my sobriety, of course. But *nobody* understands the emptiness of the discard…and being trapped in the net.

        Here’s to another day getting untangled out of the net. I love you for responding, again thank you so much. You are *not* alone. <3

        Reply
AnneX September 21, 2014

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site. I have been reading a lot about abusive relationships
after coming out of a six year relationship with a man who I loved with all my heart. After the suicide of my husband he was a rock for me. I had known him for a few years as I had my horses at his farm. Everything was perfect at first. After about a year I got my first silent treatment. We parted for a few weeks but as we saw each other every day at the farm we gradually drifted back together. This happened a few times over the years, always over something stupid like me wearing deep heat for my back and he didn’t like the smell. Why did I stay? Because I loved him and I thought he would change because he was happy. We spent 14 weeks in Tenerife last winter after he bought an apartment there. It was perfect because it was just him and I. He always appeared jealous of my relationship with my son and daughter, both in their 20’s. We came home for a few weeks in December and both took the flu. I normally spent about 4 days a week at his farm but on Christmas Day I was too ill to do anything. My daughter took up the Christmas dinner that I had made for him, his son and granddaughter. When he asked my daughter if I was not coming up and she told him I was too ill he replied, “It’s not a bit of wonder your daddy did what he did.” She didn’t tell me about that comment until we split up. In April last year we went to Florida with my daughter and his 14 year old granddaughter. I was doing all the usual theme parks to please his granddaughter and as he wasn’t the centre of attention I got the silent treatment again. The one day that I was looking forward to was the dolphin swim at Discovery Cove. That morning I asked him what was wrong and why he was being so quite. He replied, “You’ll know fucking quite when we get home.” That did it for me. I just couldn’t take any more. When we got home my daughter and I got the silent treatment from his 40 year old son and granddaughter at the farm. I had been like a grandmother to her since she was 3. He took himself off to Tenerife in May and in June his son sacked my son, via text message, from the bakery he managed for his father two hours before he was due to start work. I thought it was best to move my horses to another yard. He came back from Tenerife and called ya my house and asked why I had moved. I told him I had had enough and told him he was a narcissist and a control freak and needed psychological help. After a few months, I text him and asked him to bring some of my clothes back from Tenerife, he ignored me. I found out that there was another woman in Tenerife with him from February to April of this year. I don’t know why, but that hurt. The emotional scars run very deep. I thought I was starting to heal when in June, I caught him stalking me at the farm where I now have my horses. He know I saw him. I know he was still with this woman in July as my daughter saw a picture of the pair of them on a local pub’s Facebook page. I came over to Tenerife in September with my daughter and all he memories came flooding back. I felt I needed my closure and I sent him an email outlying my reasons for leaving him and reminded him of the nasty things he had said and done. I told him that I didn’t hate him, but I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him for the passive aggressive emotional abuse. Part of me wonders will be read this and reflect, will he ever think that what he did was wrong or am I just fooling myself? My head is a mess right now. I thank God every day for my son and daughter and my close friends and the people where I have moved my horses to have become good friends and are decent genuine people. I still love the nice side of this man, does the pain ever go away? He is 68 years old and will probably never change.

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April S. September 20, 2014

This is like reading the last 3yrs of my life. I was involved with a guy who made me believe he loved me, only me, meanwhile was out sleeping around with women for money and was involved with another woman who he could control. He thinks he is gods gift to women. The only thing he has to brag about is how good he is in bed because that’s really all he has to offer. He lied to me about almost everything. He literally has nothing but makes people think he has so much. I realize he has self esteem issues but covers them up with his I am God personality. He has no heart and no feelings for anyone. He can look you in the face and say “I love you, you are the only one for me” like nothing. Meanwhile he’s telling any woman he’s with the same thing. He loves to be in control and isn’t compromising. It’s his way or the highway. Well after a lot of wasted time and money, we parted ways. I use to always try to hold on but this time was different. I was turned off when I learned of the numerous women he’s been with and used no protection. If he doesn’t care about his own health then why should he care about me or anyone else. He’s a dangerous man. Our last contact was a text. I hope I never hear from him again. It’s sad but the other woman will either stay in his control or break free, but she seems to depend on him and trust him. She has self esteem issues too. Well not my concern. He told me plenty of times but I didn’t listen, that I needed to be with someone more like myself. I realize he’s crazy along with this disorder which means he will either self destruct or someone will hurt him one day. I’m just glad my life is still good and he didn’t destroy me or it. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with a person like this. There is no future. Reading this article makes me wonder if he will ever try to reach out again…if he does it will be amusing but I won’t respond. Somehow he has a sense of entitlement. That a woman should pay for his time and company…lol. I just feel stupid I didn’t see this earlier but I’m glad it was sooner than later.

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    susansandersone January 26, 2015

    Your experience sounds much like my NDP ‘relationship’ – 5 yrs, I was discarded last week. No contact. But he was very much what you described. After talking to his daughters’ mom, I realized he had a double life. You have that gut instinct but if you have been with an NPD for over a year his fangs are in you!

    His ex told me about his second phone the lies, cheating, other women, and also, unprotected. All that and he dropped ME. When thinking about it all in the past week I see that I took care of him, and then began laying down boundaries that he took from me. I stopped cooking bc I told him we didnt live together and it wasnt my job to do wifely things. I asked for money back that I gave him so I know that also angered him. And then I told him I wanted more. I guess all of those things made a relationship ‘too much’ to bear. Im sad, still traumatized at the discard process (back and forth for about 3 months!) but I am turned OFF. How do you hurt a woman that has done EVERYTHING for you! I even bailed him out of jail when 2 other women fought over him and he ‘accidentally’ gave one ex a black eye (RED FLAG HE SMOOTHED OVER)

    Anyway one week was more than enough time to feel pain in my chest, face and body. I don’t like to feel numb or have anxiety – over LOVE? NO WAY! Even at the last moment when we said bye over the phone he tried to bomb the “I DO love you although I know you say thats not the right thing to say when breaking up” made me SO ANGRY. I just hung up and have been reading and blogging. Im sure my blogs upset him but I dont care – Im not going to be a victim anymore. Im in survivor mode and I think since Im certain hes stalking the page to see if I ‘slander him’ that he will justify his hatred for me. And Im fine with that because I hate what he reduced me into being. So for you, good luck and change your number these men are worthless!!!

    Reply
      justme June 14, 2015

      Omg same man? Lol

      Reply
    jen April 16, 2015

    Wow April, in your blog I think I am the women that is being controlled. Been with mine for 8 years and it’s had its ups and downs. I’ve been good enough for his family holidays and such and his son, but not much for anything else sometimes a friend or two. If we talk he’s says I’m boring, if I asked to see him he says when I want to see you, anything we do is on his terms. He’s asks of what value am i to him, after any argument we get into. The list goes on and on. He has many women which come and go or hold onto for years like myself, I know most by name and run into him at the local store which he runs the opposite direction. I’m so tired of it this past weekend he brings me something I truly love then drops off his kid and goes out, only thing is he had told me he didn’t want to do anything. When I say something which I have not yet spoke to him his answer will be ” I can do whatever the —- I want to do, I’m the boss.” He says he loves me, but only if I’m useful. I’m trying to break away, but it’s hard. Last year I was sick and needed surgery didn’t hear from him until I finally contacted him a month later, he said he didnt want to come crawling back since I was ignoring him. I’m beautiful and would never have a problem getting someone else like most girls are, but my heart is set on him. I hope you have had luck with the break, I hope I can do the same. I’m tired of being controlled and not cared about. If you have gone this long which I hope you have, do you have any words of advice?

    Reply
      Natalie April 18, 2015

      Jen dear let him go, its hard but u can do it girl, think how can u love him when he doesnt give u anything, i posted my story on the blog, i met a narc he used to tell me more than once i was boring, when he didnt have no one to talk to, hey used to come to me to talk, that constant game that they do its awful and hurtful, they take u and they leave u all the time and this is not healthy for any woman, they are laughing at us when they do this to us so lets ignore them and dont let me them the chance to make fun of us cos this is exactly what they do, making fun of us and laughing at us, its hard i know, but the pain that these unhuman people cause u its worst, protect yourself from him, dont leave the door open for another slap on the face cos if u do this u are letting him to hurt u, get up and feel strong and ignore him, u are better off without this kind of man, i´m sure that these kind of people end up alone without anything, cos any normal woman cannot take all the sh**t they do, my experience was long, i waited years for a change but he never changed, i wasted my time on him in vain, he was obsessed for using me and discard me but he never could, u need to understand one thing girl if they see u sad they are happy cos this feeds their ego, if they see u content or happy they get angry cos their only objective is using and discarding and causing pain and nothing else, they are sick people without a cure, when i decided to end the contact with this guy i wished him the best but he didnt do the same, after a lot of cheats and lies and games i decided to put an end to the situation, remember Jen we cannot turn back time , ignore him this is their best medicine. This narc came back to me after 3 years i gave him a chance and he did exactly the same, he tried to convince me 3 times he never wanted to meet me to use me when he was very direct and he told me i would con u into a situation to f**ck u and walk away free guilt, what can i expect from a man who tells me such a thing, i cannot expect anything, i got the feeling some day he will come to me, i can do 2 things one use the indifference, 2 reject him or make fun of him, he was very sarcastic but at the same time he tried to get serious telling me lies always blaming me for all the things that never happened. Jen if we stay close to a narcissist all that we get is bad treatment, mocks, sarcasm, lies, cheats, pain, rejection, insecurity, lack of confidence, all negative tings and a constant frustration inside us which kills us inside cos we dont have a solution, a way to make them change for better, cos in their inner they are perfect and the rest of the people are less than them, they wont ever be wrong, they will be always the victims, its their tactic to protect their ego, any woman can be mistreated and be 24 hours a day pleasing a man who doesnt care for us, whats the sense on that?, we need to love ourself and dont let any person step on us for any reason cos thats not good for any human being, if a man cannot give u respect and good treatment, he cant give u anything , the best u can do is to ignore him and if he wants another chance reject him cos he doesnt worth a thing, dont devaluate yourself for a man cos u are making a big mistake doing that., remember nobody can hurt us if we dont let them to hurt us, Do this for yourself. Good luck.

      Reply
A September 17, 2014

Thank you so much for posting this post. I was wondering why my ex-friend continued to try to email me through another email, after I had blocked his main one. Even though he was fully aware that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. You fully answered my question in what he really misses. I made the mistake of reading that e-mail, then ended up blocking two other email address. The email actually said, “Did you block this email address?” in the subject line. My response was sending him back his dvd’s that he had lent me. Which I never even watched, because I don’t care for anime. With a polite note, only saying “Thank you for lending me these dvd’s.” Treating him with no “special treatment”. Thank you for answering my question as to why someone would keep sending you updates about themselves after they know that you blocked them.

What He Really Misses

He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
He misses not being able to be himself. He can’t do that with new supply.
He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
He misses being “God”.
He misses not having adult responsibilities.

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A September 12, 2014

Kim, thank you for the quick reply. We are no longer together, nor i would like us to be back together … however it seems that they are just as tormented as the people they take for granted… i know is the case in my situation… how would you help if let’s say your brother would be in this situation?

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A September 12, 2014

I found your blog extremely helpful in understanding what was going on in my life in the last few months . I am wondering what is the best way to perhaps help a narcissist… while i was heart broken when it ended i think i had experienced the light version of manipulation … and do care about him and would very much like him to be happy as he is obviously not and admitted it many times himself … is there a way to be there for them in a way that they accept it ?

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    Kim Saeed September 12, 2014

    A, in my experience, as well as others I have worked with, you can try to be there for the Narcissist, but it’s highly unlikely that your efforts would be acknowledged or appreciated. However, if you truly want to help, the easiest way is to not establish any kind of boundary, accept their abuse and manipulation without discussion, don’t show any emotion except that of admiring them, and fulfilling any requests they may have (without complaint).

    Reply
      Karen Holy July 22, 2015

      I actually considered doing this to maintain our relationship and keep things peaceful. But I realized that this would be pure torture on me and still wouldn’t satisfy him. So, I am currently in the stages of preparing for No Contact. He has such a strong hold on me that this is like saying I will give up food and water. I’ve been through a lot in my life time but nothing compares to the emotional pain that I have experienced with him over the past three years. It has been a constant roller coaster ride. The highs are so high and the lows are so low. I’ve never really considered myself to be a strong person, but even I am shocked at how much I take from him and still struggle to leave. My gut lead me to the truth about him but my heart has a hard time believing it. I believe it now and actually considered completely rolling over like you jokingly suggested to make him happy. I know what I need to do but doing it is probably going to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I’m ready though because I realize that I will be in pain no matter what I do. It’s time to rip off the band aid and let it bleed out. I will consider myself a survivor after he is out of my head.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed July 23, 2015

        Karen, I can relate to how you’re feeling. I was still madly in love with my Ex when I left him, but I finally realized he’d never change and if there were any chance of happiness in life, I would have to be the one to leave (and mean it). Mean it, I did. I stuck to my guns, even though we share a son and I had to do modified contact due to shared custody – which made things a little more difficult, but I did it. What I didn’t realize at the time was that while detaching and going NC was so terribly difficult, the real hard stuff came afterwards as I healed from wounds I’d carried since childhood. I’m happy to say that now, I no longer have feelings about my Ex – good or bad. I can say, however, that at this point I’m glad for the experience because I am now a different person and happier than I’ve been in my whole life. That can be true for you, too, if you make that commitment to yourself <3

        Reply
missdondria September 3, 2014

Wow. This totally describes my ExN!!! I never knew about this until I started to do some researching. We broke up a week ago. We knew each other for many years since we were teens and back then we had something but we were kids and it didnt last. We always kept each other as friends on FB though but we didnt really talk. So he contacted me this year and somehow we got back and started dating 2 months ago. First weeks were perfect, I fell in love hard. Everything was so sweet and charming. He said he missed me all those years and fell hard for me. He said he fell in love, already lost me once, didnt want to lose me again. Even wanted a future next to me, saying I am the one, etc. Everything went great. And then little by little it started becoming a living hell. He used to always talk crap about his exes. Saying they did wrong, calling them names and saying they cheated on him. He has never lasted more than 3 months in any relationship and he has had so many. I used to believe what he said about those girls, but then I started realizing they all probably left him for his abuse towards them. Im sure they were all victims, just like I am now. He manipulated me daily, controlled me and accused me falsely of things I never did. I was walking on eggshells to not make him mad cause he always got mad at everything. He also humilliated me often by screaming at me in public. He once disappeared all of a sudden for many days. Then came back like nothing happened. He by the way also had his ex girlfriends added as friends on FB. I confronted him about it since a couple of weeks earlier he had them blocked, and then all of a sudden he had them as friends again. He even hung out with one of them behind my back. And im sure they had something going on but he denies it. He made me delete many of my male friends, always thought I had something going on with them when they were nothing more but friends. He always found excuses to rage at me and make me feel like crap. And yet he has his FB full of girls. He was always free to do everything he wanted while I was chained and had no rights cause he would always rage at me for everything. And if Id confront him about something he would be defensive and try to change subject. But dear Lord if he accused me and I wanted to stop about it he told me not to dare to change subject and kept accusing me falsely, insulting me and breaking me down. He has also compared me with exes and called me names while he was mad. Saying he could do better than me and so on. And there has been a lot more crap happening but I don’t want to make this message eternal. I gave him everything, I was always sweet, always caring and loving to him. Gave him all my attention and I only got crap in return. So we broke up a week ago. Actually he was the one breaking up saying he cant trust me and all that because some days earlier he forced me to give him my FB password and I denied because I think that was going too far. So he then implied that if I don’t give it to him it must be because Im hiding something. But I wasnt. I never had anything to hide. I just didn’t want to give him that because I think that is controlling a person too much. Funny how I then asked him for his and he came up with the excuse that he doesnt remember his password. Yeah sure. So I nearly died laughing. Not trust me? You mean the other way around! He was always mysterious behind my back and never told me where he was going to or who he was going to be with, etc. But then if I went out he always had to know where and who I was with or he would rage at me. Thing is, he broke up, I agreed and he then all of sudden started to treat me nicely, begging me not to leave, that he loves me, etc. I knew he was just playing a mind game cause we had already broken up one time and he came crawling back the next day doing the same thing. So I went away and just wished him the best and left. The next day he blocked me on FB and deleted me from Skype but didn’t block me there. I guess he got really mad because when I was leaving the day before he said I dont deserve him. I already knew how his mind games worked so I laughed it off and said yeah sure, youre the one that doesnt deserve me, not even a piece of me and we both know that darn well, and then I went away. So I guess hes pissed off. I haven’t ever talked to him since. Its been a week only. Im doing NC. And everyone around me is telling me he will come crawling back at some point and will beg me back, but they tell me I have to be strong enough to say no even if he cries or acts like a puppy.
So yeah. That’s my story. Is he a N or not? Do you also think he will come crawling back?

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    Sarah Lund June 4, 2015

    I’m not sure if he’ll come crawling back. I’m more worried that YOU’LL go crawling back. He doesn’t deserve you. At least we know, deep down, that they don’t mean all the sentimental things they say to us. It’s even worse, when you both have the same friends, and he tries to look genuine in front of them. Yet you know the REAL him. You know he’s talking crap. And he’s only trying to look popular. He will brag nonstop about how he apparently has friends from all over the country. I know this kind of behaviour all too well. Whenever he said that he cared about me, it was always dodgy how someone else had to tell me that. If he couldn’t tell me HIMSELF, well that says it all. More fool them for believing him. This bit makes me roll my eyes and think “Get over yourself”, where he once told me that the manager said he was her favourite. Really? I just find that a bit over-the-top. Why would a manager do that? Yes she may think he is, but why would she tell him this? I bet mine is already hunting out another younger woman for himself. He’ll be lucky to ever
    have me back in his life. He’s a ladies man, so it was probably doomed from the start ANYWAY. He’s too into himself. He’ll never see the big mistake of abandoning me. I suppose he wasn’t really ever looking out for me. One morning, he asked me whether I fancied him. I knew he was just trying to take the mick. So I just laughed it off. I feel like he’s stamped on my heart and left me for dead. He will never earn my trust or respect. No-one knows about this, apart from the others on this forum. I hope he never finds another woman. It serves him right. He might dress nice, but he doesn’t fool me.

    Reply
    Anonymous June 25, 2015

    Yes they always do

    Reply
    Kelsea August 15, 2015

    Wow. I swear I just read my story with my exN! I can’t believe how similar our stories are. Is this the same guy lol? I’m sure he will come back sweetie, but please- take it from me, who stayed for two years- that it doesn’t get better. He will say what he needs to say in order to get what he wants from you (sex, ego stroke, verbal punching bag, etc.)…he will tell you he loves you and only you and you will fall for it and then before you can blink, after a night of passionate “love making” he will drop you so fast, your head will spin. I notice you posted this in June, so by now I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already come around a few times. The way he was spoken to and treated you is not the way you deserve to be treated and as hard is it is, but it’s extremely humbling to look inside yourself and ask “why did I allow this? What happened in my past that left a whole inside of me and mirrored the behavior he showed- and how can I fix it?” I am on this path right now. No men, no sex- just me and finding my relationship with my higher power and relying on friends and family who would never do anything like my ex did. Don’t you find it funny that no one else in your life has ever treated you or spoke to you the way he did? Honey,it goes to show that this is his problem,his pain, his hurt and he only feels better by hurting YOU. He will do the same to the next woman. These men need deep, psychological and lengthy professional help that no one, not even you can fix. I pray for you that you stay strong and walk away. A real man would never need to control, demean or create a smear campaign against you. Last thing I will say, is that abusive (yes, narcissism is abuse) men and women that are “allowed” to abuse their victims, lose more and more respect for the victim. Do you really want a man who thinks to himself how crushed you must be to allow his abuse in your life? Awhile they laugh it off and continue to hurt you. Take your dignity while you have it and RUN. You don’t need to help, listen, contort or subject yourself to his hatred. You can do this!!

    Reply
      Anonymous August 23, 2015

      I so wish I had info of this disorder when I was taken under my ex N’s control. I was swept away in the fairy tale romance and blinded by his charm! It’s ironic how all our experiences are a ditto of each other. It’s hard to imagine that God created so many men and women with this dreadful personality disorder. My first red flag was only a month into our marriage when we were headed out to a party and me wearing high heels with shorts and he told me I looked like a slutty whore while shouting for me to change! I’m very head strong, so I wore them anyway. I think that’s why we argued for 13 yrs because I’m independent and don’t want to be told what to do and that made it hard for him to control me. I always noticed something mysterious in him, but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. He would be in his home office for hours and completely ignore my need for attention and affection. I was lonely most of our marriage especially through my pregnancy with our twins. When I had contractions he’d tell me to cover up my belly and he didn’t want to see it and didn’t even stay at the hospital with me the night I was admitted due to the fact he didn’t have an overnight bag. I know now it was because of his insecurity of morning hair! After the birth of our twins I became even more lonely from all his attention to the babies. What I now know is that children are trophies to them and a means for their ego to be stroked. After me quitting my career to raise our boys we ended up moving away so I would be totally dependent on him. I became more lonely in a new town, two babies and not knowing a sole while he was traveling. Facebook had just began and I found him having a hidden account on another email. He didn’t think I was smart enough to find out! Ha! I found a Russian girl as his only friend and confronted him with it and he denied it saying he didn’t know how it got there. I was persistent to this girl and found out he conversed with her being his bartender. Later I had spyware installed on his computer and found out more than I wanted to know! He fell in love with her in one night and chatted numerous times w her thanking her for their night and morning together. The spyware also revealed his porn addiction of young white girls having sex with black men. Not sure of that turn on! Then, he fell in love w a 20yr old Asian girl in Indonesia. Chatting love notes and letters to her on yahoo while I was sleeping in the bedroom of our home. He would watch teenage Asian porn at the same time of their conversation. This made me totally sick!! He was planning a trip to see her again and who knows what he was going to do to her! Women should be warned of men like this because the after effects are so hard to get over. I tried to warn his now young wife, who could be my daughter, but she will have to learn the hard way just like I did. All the letters he wrote to her were a ditto of what he wrote to me and he even took her to our honeymoon place and got married in Ireland where we traveled together as well. It’s all a do over with a new victim. He mimicked her just like he did me. My boys said he was eating pizza w pineapple on it and HA he’d never do that with me, so I knew his plan. She has a young daughter and I worry about him one day abusing her. I have finally set boundaries of no physical contact and only via text or email. Short and blunt with no emotion. He can’t stand it and once told me he wanted to be the best ex-husband ever and asked if I’d give him advice in his new marriage! He took me for a fool, manipulating and brain washing me by using sex as a control mechanism. My panic attacks have gotten less and I’m taking care of me for a change! Turning to God for my strength has been the best and only way to be rid of this abuse! Good luck to ALL who have been a victim of these false lovers! When you notice a red flag RUN and never look back!

      Reply
joyce September 1, 2014

I met my ex in a 2005. We worked in the same community. I explain to him I was not interest in the dating a man with children. So, he stop caling me for six months. This wad ok because we were just associates & I go the feeling he just wanted sex…….because he ask when writing could start dating because if did have sex soon he would exploded. He wanted me again in 2007. We communicated over the phone. He asked to give him a chance. He seem so nice & interest in me. So, I agreed to go on date with him. He openmy car door & was such a gentleman. But, I keep my guard up because of past hurts. I had trust issues which I eventually shared with my ex. After a couple dates he start talking marriage & I told to slow down.I introduced him to my family. Everyone loved him but, my dad & uncle disliked him. My uncle, who was dying terminal cancer told to me he was not a nice guy & was not the ne for me. I ignored my dad & uncle.

I feel in love with this man. I want to met his kids & family. He began to accuse me of seeing other men even my co workers. He stole my cellphone because though I was in contact with one of his neighbors.

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justeentrenous August 30, 2014

Your blog is brilliant and a wide eye-opener. I’m pretty sure my ex is a narc, so hopefully referring back to this site will serve as a tool in reminding me what to look out for in my next relationship (my dad’s a narc, too).

I’ve re-blogged this article. I’d re-blog them all in a heartbeat. Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed August 31, 2014

    Thank you for reading and for re-blogging and, most importantly, for letting me know my blog has resonated with you…<3

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      cmcgahern September 6, 2014

      Kim,
      Thank you for the wonderful blog and advice! You have provided another element of clarity for those of us trying to understand and recover from damaging NPD relationships.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 9, 2014

        Thank you for your very kind words. I’m so glad to know my site has been helpful, and I hope to be able to continue providing articles that help readers recover. <3

        Reply
justeentrenous August 30, 2014

Reblogged this on juste entre nous.

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    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Thank you for the re-blog 🙂

    Reply
      Anonymous January 15, 2015

      Anyone who has read and read and gone no contact and failed will know how hard it is till the day you allow yourself to be repulsed, repulsion is crushing. I want to share something I’ve thought about in no contact, in the past I used to write him letters and burn them, in essence, in the own mind, I’ve realized that doing this still keeps me “in contact” as in my mind and acts I am still talking to him. I’ve been driving my thoughts to be as if I’m speaking about him not to him and it does help to not build up a desire to speak to him, him in third person is 1 step removed from me.

      Why I finally left? He watched porn on my computer in my room on my bed in my house while is was I don’t know where, the image of him doing that in my head bothers me a lot, it was probably the one boundary I could not turn a blind eye to given that it was of a girl probably less than 12 years of age. He left the history of the search for me find, it felt he did it on purpose, it probably was. My mind wondered if he will he go younger, would my future kids have been safe?

      Today a news story broke here in SA, of a child porn addict. My heart broke, for the abused kids, for me too. How is it that you spirit feels so tainted and filthy due to the doing of another, to think I loved someone so dark is making me feel sick.

      Thanks for the blog, it helps in times of doubt.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 15, 2015

        I love the idea of speaking of him in third person. That makes complete sense, and you are right in that it is sort of like breaking NC…at least to the subconscious mind. Bravo!

        Don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s no way you could have known that about him. Take it as a divine sign.

        Incidentally, anyone who watches porn is not good material for a relationship, anyhow. This comes up so very often and it’s just sad for the innocent partners involved. I’m glad you’re out of that situation. Please make sure that you are taking part in self-care and healing activities. Those are crucial in our healing <3

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      Andre May 4, 2015

      This is a side note to anonymous regarding her ex N and his porn. This is about guys and port and women: some women totally put too much into this porn thing, and women making vastly too big a deal of it is a more recent phenomenon. True, if a guy is in a loving relationship, he will usually not be interested in porn as when he is single. Porn is a poor substitute for real female contact. So I understand your concerns there.

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      Sam May 27, 2015

      I noticed guys are usually the ones to defend pornography and convince themselves that the women who do these things are getting paid well or deserve to be degraded in some way. I have news for you: those women were sexually abused as children or even began their careers in child pornography. Men and women who support pornography are inadvertently supporting child pornography. It’s no wonder why there are so many narcissists and narcissist enablers. How about getting to know a women first before seeing a naked photo of her? Have you ever tried to have a conversation with someone without thinking about what they look like naked? Having been married to a narcissist and trying to re-enter the dating world, I’m appalled by the shallowness of most people. Having pornography so ubiquitous in our society is creating more narcissists to get away with it.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed May 31, 2015

        Great comments, Sam! Thank you for stopping by.

        Reply
    chankla2 November 17, 2015

    Yes that is a key we ALL forget, US
    Healing!!!!
    Blogs ,Stories are great to read an re-assure us wre not alone, not crazy.
    BOTTOM LINE we wre discarded, used now wre left to pk up the shattered pieces an fix US, period.
    AGAIN THE NARC ISN’T Happy. THE NARC. ISN’T in love. Its A NEW SUPPLY
    period.
    THEY DON’T CHANGE GROW OR EVEN
    ATTEMPT TO FEEL FIX ANYTHING ABT THEM. They soley focus on EGO ADMIRATION ATTN FROM ANYBODY SAME PATTERN OVER&OVER.
    FAM KIDS STRANGERS EXES ARE JUST AS BAD THEY PLAY THE GAME TOO THNKNG THEY HAVE A PIECE OF THE NARC NOBODY DOES.
    I WONT go into my long ordeal other than 7yrs wasted in debt discarded an love bombing just 3mos ago. Guess what? New Supply THATS it its just supply. An Holidays are a Narcs real get in high swing mode. Fades, then gear up for summer , repeat.
    NO they DONT think about you. No they DONT care ABT you regardless what our heart, memories tell us.
    GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT N/C.FOR ONCE GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT N/C. Its the ultimate form of hurt to them.
    FOCUS ON YOU. DO WHAT YOU WANA DO.FIX YOU.GET BK TO YOU.
    Thyre gone, bbbbye.
    ALL THAT GLITTERS ISN’T GOLD NEVER, ITS AN ILLUSION BELIEVE ME!!!!!
    THINK ABT HOW YOU FEEL HOW THEY FLIPPED YOUR WORLD ESTEEM AN HOW YOU’RE ACTUALLY TRYING TO BE BETTER FROM THIS MESS….
    Good days an baaaaad days YOULL have no doubt.
    DONT settle There is someone waiting
    for you Believe!!!!
    STAY OFF “FAKE”BOOK SOCIAL MEDIA
    IF YOUR HAPPY you’d be living Not posting. The happiest, genuine relationships AREN’T ON SM!!
    Thats part of the NARC agenda look@me blah blah
    Youre worth it! Stay strong EVERYBODY
    “^:^”

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S August 29, 2014

Hi Everyone, I am new here and have read all your comments with so much empathy. I have been caught in a relationship with a N… it lasted 10 month, not very long I know but enough to lose sense of my life and my core beliefs for a while . I am a strong and very independent woman who usually can smell bad perfume miles away. Even tough I still go caught slightly not fully and I will explain why. Please do not tell yourself that you have been silly or stupid enough to put up with his nonsense…IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. It is not your fault. At the contrary, you are emotional healthy and this is why you feel so much pain. Do you think that the N has a happy life? No I can tell you that for sure. Perhaps on the surface but mentally they are struggling with their demons on a daily basis. Their minds are never at ease and its very stressful for themselves. They avoid at all cost the actual reality because its scares them to death. Reality is their worse enemy. I can go on but the point I am making is this. Would you like this kind of life for yourself? its an ugly one!!

This is my story and I hope it will help someone and make you feel better.. I was introduced via a mutual friend. my friend told me what a great guy this man is (or was!) and that he has been so unlucky with his ex wife, ex girlfriends. My friend explained that his ex wife was so evil to him and that no one liked her because she is a nasty peace of crap! She ruined him took his business, money and almost left the country with his 2 kids. She cheated on him constantly and eventually she married again. The poor man!!! Ok, i thought shit happens in life and we should not judge without knowing. So I accepted the first invitation and we hit it off straight away. After that he treated me like I was the most wonderful thing that happened to him…you know the script routine that they use. On the 3rd date something happened in my belly, a strong gut feeling of uneasiness but couldn’t figure it out. Yes I had a wonderful time I admit. As the time went on I started wondering about many things, such as I have’t met his friends or family for instance, the few i have met were so off ish with me I couldnt understand why (i do now!) to name a few odd things as the list would take at long time to write but you all know these. so I stayed sharp and alert with him and in the background I was on a mission to find out everything i could about him. As Mohamed Ali said” make your enemy your best friend and you will always win. Yes I did fall in love but my gut instinct has been my best friend all the way. What I did was the mirror trick. I mimicked everything he did and said in a subtle way, so many opportunities to do it. I would purposely ignore him and tell him lies that he would know about. I was totally aloof one moment and loving the next. They give you so many opportunities to do it, its unbelievable. The funny thing is that he never confronted me about the lies but I do know it bothered him a lot, for once to him it meant he did not have full control of me and that in itself was a very bad thing for him, it also meant that he had to constantly be the nice guy which is very exhausting for a N… He or she is on a mission to destroy you and when they win the game they will disregard you without a thought. This has helped me a great deal during the relationship to be strong and sane and eventually fall out of love completely and go for the kill without remorse. its been over for 6 months now and I do know he does not miss me the least but what I do know is that he hates me with such passion it makes me smile and certainly good enough for me. Of course I wish I didn’t experience such situation in my life but I cannot re-write history.
This is my story and I wanted to share my experience with all of you. Be strong because you are all wonderful human being and you only you can decide to take charge of our own well being and happiness. I would very welcome your comments and happy to share more about my experience if it helps. I am with you all the way.
Thank you for taking the time to read this long post. ps: as I said my gut instinct is my best friend and meditation has been a fantastic healer.
Lots of love xxx

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Bonny August 28, 2014

Whoa, so concise and to the point. I wish I’d found all this good advice a long time ago. But still, I was SO brainwashed and under his control that I don’t think it would have made a dent. Thank you for this blog. Glad I’m reading it now anyway, because I still have some healing to do.

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Angel August 23, 2014

Kim Saed.

Amazing your blog and articles are as though you were a fly on the wall through my entire situation. Sadly i fell for everything ended up completely pennyless although with my N it was always agreed that he would pay me back. I had this in agreement by phone texts, yet oddly my text all dissapeared from my phone so getting money back through authorities is a no. I was left stranded on a day we were to move in penniless nowhere to go, and then 2 months later i get a call from another country, after another month i discovered he had gone and got married. I later also found out during this time she was due to give birth in 2months, so the person i was told was an ex and nolonger in touch, whom he hated and loathed — such acting/deplorable lies — was infact pregnant for several months.

Basically i was his source of money to look good and provide for his chosen trophy, because like you say they cannot love, but what they can do is select a trophy to keep and pamper to maintain their image through life. Lots of blogs dont mention this but it really needs to be said.

Psychopaths aka Narcissists/Sociopaths do think ahead and plan for their future, all his freinds were married he needs to maintain the image of a man, and as the years of playing the field are gone the next role he must play to keep him looking good in the eyes of his friends is to become a family man providing for his wife and children albeit with the money of someone else.

The personality trait of target is me to a T, sadly for me i was also born from the womb of a female narc. But i see that once he gained my trust why wouldn’t i believe his lies, especially as we had so many plans. I could never have guessed that the friends he had would assist him in his lies, something i have only heard one other survivor speaking of.

The isolatin tactic is i think the most hurtful because once isolated you get no support and indeed codependent style the abuser is your only source of support. Now i am just really really angry because the bastard keeps phoning me from different numbers and turning up unexpectedly, telling me he misses me. I cannot talk to people about this becaus i know them well they will say think and judge me stupid, anything you say to them will be considered an excuse what they dont realise is that they are looking at it with hindsight minus the experience. I also gave up on therapy it isnt giving me the results i need so i guess time is what will help erase this pain (i dont need to pay someone to watch me cry).

Wish i had read your blog 4 years ago…funny thing is i had a book on psychology of relationships in my list of books to read…did not get to it in time.

For now like Brigitte; i am going to give myself the time to grieve the loss of myself as I am clearly a very different person now, it takes time to adjust to this, it as though my legs were broken and now i have to learn how to use them again without the innocense of being a baby.

Thank you Kim to you and all your work and other bloggers +++ fellow survivors for sharing your stories.

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Released@last August 18, 2014

I broke up with my female N after I had enough. Went no contact and she went crazy calling and emailing and texting until I wrote a long list of all the things she did in the relationship that were inappropriate, demeaning, crazy making and triangulating. Also pointed out that I never met one single friend of hers and that she had to have me around all hours of the day or got angry. Eventually I started leaving work early to satisfy her needs. Well, after the list she went stone cold quiet for half a week. Then I received silent phone calls for 5 weeks straight, anywhere from 3 to 8 per day. It finally stopped 2 weeks ago.

Now everything is gone quiet. Not a peep, not anything. Blocked her online from seeing me along with her family and friends she has online. Don’t want them spying on me for her. I wonder if she noticed as she never friended me online, kept her account private from me

My friend is in school of psych and told me she is quiet because she probably has a new victim. After weeks of feeling supremely confident I did the right thing, especially after the prank calls, the silence has gotten to me. I am reflecting on the relationship and feel duped. I feel stupid as hell!

I am obsessing, I am feeling lazy and don’t want to get out of bed but still do but I drag my buckles everywhere. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want her for sex or relationship or to hear from her. It’s the silence after interacting with her every moment of every day. Like going from black to white, hot to cold, up and then down and finally turned inside out by the reality of what the silence represents. I HAD NO IMPACT ON HER HEART AND DONT EXIST

I have realized this from dwelling the last few days. Why do I feel down? Why do I feel like she won when I dumped her and called her on her bad behavior? How is it that her just going quiet on me is so easy to make me feel like I was dumped? Why do I keep wondering if she will try to Hoover me back? Will she come back, because her ex before me says they were together for over a year and described it as On again off again and was also open to dating others (was shocked and disgusted to hear this, also indicates she likes to go back)?

There are more thoughts of course, my brain is a mess. Don’t get me wrong or interpret this post as someone severely depressed or has no hope. I’ve just been venting to my family and friends for so long, I don’t want them to look at me crazy as they don’t get it

Hope someone reads this and is in the same place. Gets some relief knowing it’s ok to feel this way, means that you’re not crazy. They are…

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Freedom August 14, 2014

I was in a 3 year relationship with a Narcissist. It’s something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone to be involved with an N. Any type of abuse I can think of, I have been through. Whether it’s physical, sexual, mental, emotional and verbal, it’s all abuse that I’ve endured with the N and NO ONE deserves that. The best way I can describe my relationship with the N is having the life drawn out of me and being on a roller coaster ride. It had its highs and quickly plummeted very low. At the time, I thought I was truly in love with this person. As time (too long) progressed, I figured out that I wasn’t truly in love with this person, but more longed for comfort in being with someone and excitement that the N brought. You see, what I have come to realize is that the N brought some type of excitement in my life that I was missing. The N’s world wasn’t based on reality, but more so a life of fun and excitement that carries for a moment, instead of a lifetime. I’m currently in the process of No Contact and have found it to be the best thing for me. In the beginning, I found myself depressed, very sad, angry and hate. Then I found myself feeling sorry because I know through extensive research what the outcome of the N will be. Nowadays, I feel myself, not really caring much what the outcome will be for the N. I realized it’s not my issue to fix!

The lack of empathy, the put downs, the violent and moody behavior or lashing out, the branched out sexual addictions that many N have, the lies that they themselves believe, the constancy of you’re wrong I’m right or I win you lose, the reliving of their past especially their accomplishments that are distorted or blown up, the desperate and constant need of attention, the contradictions of what they say and do to suit them or distortion of what really is, the playing of games or manipulation of me and others, controlling, the feeling of thinking everything is about them (whether good or bad), their paranoia, everything is made to appear your fault and not there’s, their selfishness, making me feel like I don’t matter, denials, pointing blame, the awkwardness, the laughing of situations in wrongful manors, lack of responsibility, constant need of attention, their constant thinking or feeling of I work so hard and everyone gets what they want but not me, living in the moment, the ignoring to get what they want, assumptions, assuming others know what’s going on in their heads, accusations, the using of people, constantly steering all conversations back about them, their unawareness of self sabotage, their living in disguise (appearing one way to me and very different to others), blaming you for everything, the feeling of losing me, all types of abuse bestowed, and so much more that has gone on and I have endured.

My best advice to anyone is to stay away and move on from people like this. You might go though a period of difficulty letting go, but the outcome is truly much better when you do. Its as if a cloud has been lifted. No more walking on eggshells, no stress, arguing or fighting and abuse. When you truly forget and stop acknowledging them, a sense of peace builds around you, especially knowing all the facts surrounding the dysfunctional life of a Narcissist is a mere lie. I won’t sugar coat and say letting go and no contact will be easy, but as time progresses, life had with the N will be a distant memory. You have to come to a point or train yourself to stop dwelling on them or what has happened. In given time, you will come out of this more knowledgeable and stronger of a person. While they continue with their ways, they will solely care about themselves; living in their own fantasy or twisted world, spiraling out and not giving the slightest about you’re feelings, emotions and you in general. Again, I will emphasize on how they don’t care what you’re feelings are, how they made you feel or hurt or what you’ve done for them, they just solely care about themselves. Remember, YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM! I will leave this with, I beg all of you to not dwell, let go and move on and not endure all of this, YOU DESERVE BETTER!

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    Ryan Rain August 5, 2016

    How might one decipher if they and their partner are both narcissists. I haven’t seen that addressed

    Reply
Marianne August 13, 2014

I was married to a passive aggressive narcissist sociopath for many years. He made my life miserable. He is rich, but we lived in an empty apartment for 8 months, because he didn’t want to buy furniture. We didn’t have a table to eat or chairs to sit. He was never home, so the mattress on the floor to sleep was enough for him. When his mom decided to come from his country to visit us, we moved to a fancy apartment and he bought everything brand new. One night, he beat me up inside our car at the parking lot, he almost broke my neck. I locked myself in the guest room for days, with him knocking at my door saying that I needed to eat and to open the door to talk, his excuse was that he thought I was trying to jump out of the car and he was driving fast on the freeway. God, we were at the parking lot. I was so in love with him, so of course after a week crying locked in the bedroom, I was with him again, feeling that he was having emotional issues and I needed to take care of him, because I was a good wife. After that, I kept walking on eggshells, specially because he had a gun at home. During one of our discussions, he disappeared, and I found him sitting at the closet floor with the gun on his and. Now he used to yell and complain for everything (in front of other people he was a gentleman). I was the stupid who can’t do anything right but washing the kitchen floor and cooking. He used to hide and move things, to made me think I was losing my mind. At that point I wasn’t working or having friends anymore, I was completely isolated and he didn’t want me to drive or to work. Months later, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He suggested to go to a restaurant at talk about it, an so we did. When I came back home, went to take a nap and he went to his office. The phone rang while I was sleeping, it was a friend, so I picked up the call and I realized that I was with a tremendous headache. I went to the kitchen to drink water, and smelled gas. One of the burners was open, and the room was full of gas. I covered my face, I opened the windows, ran to the yard and called him to tell him what happened. His answer was: “you did it, are you trying to kill yourself?” I was still going to college, and told my counselors what happened, and they put me in contact with the abused persons program. I started going to the meetings. The meetings were fantastic, but I wasn’t ready to leave him. I know it sounds stupid, but everyone here knows how it feels, we are emotional co dependents of these monsters. I went to my country for a couple of months and he sent me an email, saying that we were over. Yes, he finished our marriage with an email. When I came back, his things were in one bedroom and mine in the other. He was still wearing his wedding band, and saying that he was confused about divorcing or not. so one day he was lovely and on the other he was a jerk, so I was like a marionette for weeks, cooking special dishes, treating him like a king. A day before his birthday, I was at the mall buying a gift for him, and he called me. He said that he was going to Canada on his birthday, alone. I said hey why are you calling me to say this, we live on the same house, and why are you going to Canada alone? I went to his office and he told me that now he was sure we were over. He went to Canada and came back. A day before christmas, he gave me the divorce agreement he wrote for me to sign and gave me a deadline: until wednesday. He wanted me to sign and to move out of the house. Ok, no job, no family here, and my husband wants me out of the house, sure! I found some free attorneys online, and went to see them with the agreement. All of them laughed, and told me to never sign that, so I didn’t. On wednesday, I locked myself in my room because I knew he was going to be dangerous. He knocked at my door by 1 am asking me to open because he wanted his passport that was in my closet. I saw his passport days before at his office, and I new that the bullets were in the closet, so I didn’t open. He banged and banged at the door, so I called 911 and of course the coward left the house. I asked for a protective order, and he filled for the divorce saying that I was aggressive and suicidal, and many other crap. He got all the money from the bank, and accused me of doing it. So I found myself alone, with no money, no job, and I needed an attorney right away. Went to the church to get food everyday for weeks, I found a job, I found amazing attorneys with the help of catholic charities, and life moved on. I never was suicidal. I am strong, I love life and my kids. I feel very sorry for him. After reading all this, you may think: “omg this is a ghetto thing!”…no, he is a well known engineer, suit and tie guy, rich and charming.
Ladies, stay strong. Some men are just heartless.

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Kimmy August 10, 2014

For me it happened to be a girlfriend. She was always nice and appeared trustworthy till I decided to make her a biz partner. She hung around to learn everything from me, taking notes, attending my meetings and stepping in anytime. I Came to my house daily but had Huge problems with me visiting.I realized she operated like a robot with no emotions because she couldn’t get the easiest most basic stuff. Like how to behave with a customer, what to say and not to say, plus she always thought every male client was hitting on her so she had this way of keeping business relationships very personal that it was impossible for any other person to make contact. Eventually,I got tired because I felt she had taken over my business trying to look important and smart to everyone. I kicked her out, implemented NC and told her never to come to my house ever again. Within 2 months, I’ve changed my business to what I wanted it to be and am making more progress and spending less than we did together in a whole year and my lifehas improved so much. She had isolated me and I had zero social life but now am back enjoying my life with people who truly care. I would kick her out again if I had to. NC is getting easier for me because of the changes am seeing in my life and

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tess August 7, 2014

So what I got from this blog was that the narcissist DOES care when you go No Contact. After all, from what I have known as the pattern, they get anxious that they are losing control of the victim. Their goal is control, so if you don’t respond to their silent treatment it may cause narcissistic injury, causing them to reach out to you in order to regain lost ground or put you back under control. Narcissists work hard to maintain their minions. The only way to heal from narcissistic abuse is to value YOURSELF more than you value the narcissist. I had a narcissistic mother. I didn’t have to go ” no contact”. I only had to reconstruct and evaluate myself through my friend’s and my own eyes. If your narcissist has a different world view than you and your friends, then you know who you really are, and the narcissist is lying. It is VERY important that you know the difference between personality traits that have been IMPOSED on you by the narcissist and who you TRULY are. The narcissist will tell you that you are selfish. In reality you ignore your own needs constantly for the sake of others. The narcissist can only have a relationship with a person or that ignores their personal needs. So when they give you the silent treatment, treat it as a blessing and work on yourself.

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Lieselotte July 25, 2014

I am no contact also. Have been for 2 months now and am still hurting like hell. I had known my N for years before inviting him into my life. He seemed caring, fun, a pillar of society, in a stable, mature relationship. Until his GF broke up with him. There was no honey moon phase to begin with. He was still hung up on his Ex, bemoaning the fact that she could not commit herself for longer than she had with him. Whenever I said anything negative about her, he defended her fiercely. He would also complain about her how she had dominated him and how afraid he had been of her. And yet, he had dozens of files photos of her and the two of them together. He took none of me … (claiming he did not have his camera with him, which was not true). Although I treated him respectfully and lovingly, he belittled my achievements, ran away when he had been emotionally abusive instead of apologizing, and never once came back on his own. I (!) had to fetch him back when HE had been wrong. How can it be that he was crazy about a woman that treated him in such a domineering way (which was confirmed by mutual friend that knew her) and displayed airy indifference with someone who truly loved and respected him? He actually told me that he had respected her much more than me.

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Ann July 24, 2014

I have read all of the posts on this blog and my heart goes out to you all. I have been in no contact now with my ex partner of six years for 15 months. Last month I saw him looking into the fields where I keep my horses. He has a livery yard of his own. I stopped my car a few yards from him. He saw me and got back into his car. I drove on. Why after all this time is he doing this? It’s brought all the pain and hurt back as if it was yesterday. I haven’t been out with any man since as I don’t think I will ever trust anyone again. We got together after my husband died and I had my horses at his yard. The emotional pain has been something I really can’t describe. I loved him so much. I didn’t deserve the silent treatment I got from him and his family. All because he wasn’t the centre of attention on a family holiday. I took my horses away from his yard because I couldn’t take the repeated cycles of emotional abuse any longer. I always thought I was a strong and independent woman but the scars may be invisible but they run ever so deep

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[…] Torn Between Two Lovers – During one of his Silent Treatments, you implemented No Contact, and he put on a show of having been forced into the arms of another lover.  Reality – He’s been grooming new supply for some time now and your attempt at No Contact was the perfect opportunity to begin triangulating. […]

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Brigitte July 18, 2014

I mean I must be making some kind of progress if I have turned him down twice now! At 1st yesterday I almost said yes until I was like u will end up alone in tears starting this process all over if I give in! Surprisingly I didn’t cry and I haven’t cryed yet! So somewhere in there I must be moving on somewhat! I normally give in and cycle starts
All
Over! I’ve made it this far and he hasn’t shown me anything good or that he misses me! I’m
Proud of myself if not anything wlse

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Brigitte July 18, 2014

I do a lot like garden I have a lot of veggies growing cause that helped keep my head busy! But the more time that passed I kinda just want to hide and be in my room! I’ve been sad to angry and now I think I’m numb. I don’t work I’m on SSI so I do what I can to keep
My head busy sometimes I sleep to just not think! I don’t have to many friends around here they moved so it lonely! I’m scared I’ll never bounce back!

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Brigitte July 18, 2014

My n has contacted me again for the second time this tkme for my birthDay asking me to dinner and how he misses me! I once again declined it has been a little over a month nkw no contact. This is the hardest thing. Some days I just wanna go back! But I know it won’t change’ why won’t he just stop? I’ve shown no interest or contact’ not sure if my thread above was read but ness thank you since your the only one to respond and care! I can’t do this alone! I’m stuck
To my bed in misery it seems and my summer is almost gone! Someone please help all
This I’ve been through make sense and y I would even still love kom
So much? It’s been 8 months since I left and haven’t gone back but sometimes
I’m lonely enough to! PLEASE HELP’ my sanity is slipping away fast

Brigitte

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    Kim Saeed July 18, 2014

    What are you doing in your free time, Brigitte? Have you started any self-healing?

    (I know how that feels…I’ve been there).

    Hugs, Kim

    Reply
    Surayya October 25, 2014

    Brigitte , I noted , correct me if I am wrong dear, he asked you out for dinner and you declined. Did you answer his call? NC also means dear not to answer his calls. I know how hard it feels dear, I would answer his calls and just the sound of his words flowing into my ears would make me want to cry. But I would reply a firm NO, but after I would hang up I would weep and loose sleep and my next day would be consumed with thoughts of Why he contacting me ? Oh Why? Oh i would sink in bed too, fearing i was loosing my sanity. Until I read others posts on other sites what NC meant. So i have gone NC for awhile, when I would receive calls from numbers I was not familiar with I would ignore. Than I gave him his own medicine. Brigitte we are here to hear you out. I know this is month of October and you had posted your story in July. How are you doing now?

    Reply
Brigitte July 18, 2014

Sorry, yes self healing I read up all the time on the n to understand and what I can do mentally! I feel like a hermit. Maybe it’s what I need right now is to hide and grieve or be angry! But I do daily reading and the more I read the more I understand what he is and why he does it! I don’t think the self healing is goin to great

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Ann July 17, 2014

I have been with a NPD man for 13 years – he just turned 70. I don’t feel very good about myself for having stayed and endured his outbursts, his terrible name calling and his many tirades. He relives his glory days/years over and over, is an alcholic, doesn’t work, gambles and smokes a lot of pot. He shows no affection, talks about his conquests that have long past, and will never be able to execute again. He is extremely bright, and there isn’t much you can correct him on when it comes to his knowledge, but that’s the sum total of the man.

I believe it began as a young by when his father was shot and killed by a woman he was seeing on the side. He left behind a wife and five children he, being the oldest. Only one of the five leads a normal healthy existence, one committed suicide. I want very much to leave the realtionship – we don’t live together….he lives with his elderly mother. He doesn’t have to pay any rent, he doesn’t own a car, so he has littlle to no expenses. I haven’t discussed leaving him or why, and I know he would never listen to the why – he would just walk away leaving me with no satisfaction; he’s the coldest person I know. Yet, I think he is very lonely, sad and totally without direction, living only for the moment, waiting for the best deal of the day keeping, always keeping his options open. Quite sad really.

I never knew what name to put with what was wrong until I found all this information. Sadly bad habits are hard to break. I’m looking for the courage to just do it and move on. I’m not a young woman, but would like to have someone to spend my twilight years with. I still have a lot of good positive energy that I’d like to share. There is a lot of good in my life, with the exception of love of a good man, and I don’t think it’s too late. I’ve wasted so much time and energy on this self centered, conceited unloving, shell of a man. Shame on me….

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    Kim Saeed July 17, 2014

    Ann, I’m sorry for your situation. If you decide to go No Contact and move on, I can help. My packages are very affordable, if you’re interested.

    Reply
      Ann July 18, 2014

      Thank you. I’m trying to put one foor in front of the other right now. We have wonderful friends together, and meet frequently after work (our jobs) not his. I’m very close to his mother and siblings. Our lives have a rythhm, and now I’m out of step – the loss for me is more than this one person. It’s difficult to realize he’ll never grieve our realationship after all these years together.

      Reply
cheryl July 15, 2014

First I must say.. the information in this blog and all that share actually has me in tears because of such wonderful information. ..because so many have suffer because of the N… and because finally.. finally..i have learned why my life has been pure hell for the last 5 years. …
and these 5 years will always be labeled as the worst years of my life… and the last three have had drastic effects on my health.. feels as if any day i will wake and not be able to walk, the body pain is that bad.
For the last two and half years i have been trying to get rid of my N..(which i didnt know was a N until this blog).. and every thing i have read here hits the nail right on the head of my experiences.
My N has trashed my house.. destroyed everything in it.. and at times faked calling the police to report that i tried to kill him.. i have pictures of him taking a hammer to his own head just so he could threaten that i did it to him, fake calling the police if i didnt apologize for starting a fight….one that he actually started because he didnt get the attention he felt he deserved,. a cell phone a month.. destroyed.. laptops, pc’s, tv’s, steros, windows.. list goes on…. i finally got strong enough to say.. enough… get out…
He refuses.
He lies.. pathologically…sees the light of what he has done to me… everything written here on this blog and by those who share their stories…. i am the best thing that ever happened to him… whilst he threatens to burn down my home if i dont let him stay…
finally , he agrees it is over… but refuses to leave…while telling me he will leave but he needs a year.then in next sentence tells me he will make me go back to the way things were in the begining… even tells me to date others..if that is what i want, he is all for whatever makes me happy.. everything that is but moving out….the police are no help..he lies to them..they believe him because i am the one that looks crazy and stressed…
…i picked up an order to leave the premises from the courthouse…he got my own shotgun out to attempt to kill himself..an act to get me to baby him and give in…as he is really the victim..as if i am so dumb that i didnt realize it was not loaded..(i keep the ammo locked up in a secret place)..
…anyways.. like everyone.. i can go on and on.. it feels good to tell others as if i NEED to tell.. hoping for relief.. but telling never relieves..
Why cant i get him to move out..i really do wonder what he is capable of.. yet .. once when he faked calling the police i snatched the phone out of his hand and i actually called them… he balled up like a small child sobbing…i have cut out everything.. sex, attention, i have been taking control back over my life and my home.. giving him rules to live by… and it seems like he likes it!..
Here in my state the police will not remove the unwanted abusive boyfriend.. i have to evict him.. go through the courts.. and in the meantime.. no protective order because he hasnt laid a hand on me…in the meantime he gets to stay in MY home, that own and pay for until court.. that i have to pay for…and on top of it….it can take over a month before a court date is issued for domestic evictions..
I am actually afraid to give him another 7 day notice to leave the premises.. i have been turned down twice for protection order.. why.. because he lives with me..
my home will be paid off in a year and half…and i am ready just to give the house to the bank and disappear where he will never find me.
I do not want that though.. i just want him to leave..I have done everything from telling him that i loath him, there will never be sex again and even tried offering him money to leave..and i know that by not leaving he is grasping at control.. He is hovering and still lives in my house.. and now he literally has to have my attention CONTSTANTLY and has stopped breaking things, spends his extra money on me.. even is cleaning the house and fixings all the things i have wanted to fix but he wouldnt let me because “we” didnt have the money,.. i had the money.. he just had stuff he needed or else…..
i would LOVE some advice , new ideas.. I am sure there are tactics i haven’t even thought of..i am now slowly saving for a lawyer but money is hard to save when the N is around because there is always some sort of need he has that is necessary.. (for example , one of his friends told me he purposely tossed one of his perfectly fine shoes out the window so that he would need to buy a new pair… with my money because you know.. he spent his already.. on me…. and cant work without shoes)
banging my head on cement wall

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Cheryl, sounds like you have your hands full with this guy. It does seem that the best approach is to seek legal counsel. I would suggest to stop getting this guy his frivolous items and save that money for a lawyer. He may be requesting these things to keep you broke simply so you CAN’T hire an attorney.

    I really wish I had better news, but it seems the only way is to hire the lawyer. It seems you have enough evidence for the lawyer to work with, including your repeated attempts to get rid of this guy. Best wishes go out to you for your future!

    Reply
    Vanessa July 16, 2014

    He sounds extreme. My x broke three of my phones, dumped my clothes, tried to wreck my new car. You sound pretty strong, so he will have to pour it on to get to you. The stronger they perceive you to be, the worse they get. They like tearing strong women down. Can you get some free legal advice. Women’s shelters usually have local contacts for free solicitors and financial assistance. If he is playing with weapons etc. I would be very concerned. I had an extremely physically abusive x. I am lucky I am still walking around, I have a few scars to remind me never to go back but the weapons really concern me. He is playing with your head to the extreme. My opinion given my own experience of having sunk lower than low when with my x is get some free advice first. I know it’s easy for me to say but your safety, sanity and life is more important than anything you own.Actually, I had a big hit financially when I got out but I knew I had to cut my losses. I must admit I have no idea about the community resources available to you in your country. I hope there is something there for you to link into. Good luck. You may feel alone sometimes but many women have and are going through the same thing. You’re not alone. He needs you more than you need him. Thus, the antics.

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kathy July 12, 2014

I have been divorced 8 years. The N did such a head job. Can’t even move forward. Dated some very nice men, but run like hell if they get too close. I know it’s me. Been to therapy. I find I get more intro every day. Work, home, sleep. How do I move on???? How do I find me??? I dream about the what ifs. I visualize us now. I cry. I struggle with the day to day. I still wake up and don’t know where I am. How can this be happening to a stable person. I never discuss with anyone because they’ll know I’m crazy. I don’t do drugs. Can’t even acknowledge him when necessary. He says I’m looney. I freeze. Years!!! I am dying a slow death. Our history dates back over 45 years. We’re now 60. I feel so sad and lonely. I take anti depression meds. Kids are now grown, I forced them to have relationship with father. He totally ignored for over 2 years but has now reconciled with them. I’m still a nut ball…..I feel like there is no hope for me….

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Kathy, I know it’s painful. I’ve been there, but the good news is that it CAN get better if you start the path to healing your soul. It can be a somewhat long journey, but it’s so worth it.

    Reply
Lyn July 11, 2014

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. After, 3 months together I started researching NPD. He met every criteria. I failed at NC everytime and took him back everytime. The shame I feel for falling for his repeated verbal, emotional and sexual abuse. Enduring the Silent Treatments. Living with constant anxiety and walking on egg-shells not to trigger his mood swings! Giving and giving and giving until I was in tears, but it never met his standards. Now just fighting the urge to return to the crazy, because he made me dependent on the crazy. I am so angry right now, and feel so stuck between that desire to return, wanting to vomit, and constant instrusive thoughts of the occasional kind man that could always turn ugly in the next sentence. Just went NC 3 days ago. Glad for having found this site and people who understand. If you haven’t been through it, nobody can fathom the hell, the trauma, or the emotional ruin you are left with and need to heal from.

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LisaRenee7 July 9, 2014

Hmmm, this post was very eye opening although I’m questioning if this applies to my situation. I was only with my N for two months. He lovebombed me and then disappeared for a week because he was “busy”…bullshit. I forgave him, things were okay for a day but then he just seemed to be tossing me crumbs a couple times a week telling me he missed me and wanted me to keep me hooked. So one day, I had enough and I left him a scathing voicemail about how I was done with his bullshit and I wasn’t going to be part of his collection of women. I also told him I knew what was going on (he was with other women) and that if he contacted me I would ignore him. I told him every picture and voicemail had been deleted and it was like he never existed. Then I blocked him. I did leave many avenues open for him to contact me (yeah I know). 🙁
I haven’t heard a word. It’s been a week and nothing. I know he’s probably “busy” with his new suppliers but wow. I’m questioning if he’s a true N now. No reaction is bugging me and maybe he knows that.

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    Kim Saeed November 6, 2014

    Hi LisaRenee7. Sorry, I just saw your comment.

    You may already have your answer by now. It’s likely he was just giving you the silent treatment because you attempted to take up for yourself. Did he come back around since you left your comment? I wouldn’t be surprised if he did…

    Reply
Ness July 6, 2014

Hi Brigitte, it must be hard when you live so close by that you can run into him. My x is four hours away now, so I have the safety of distance. Brigitte, I couldn’t work out for ages why I knew I didn’t and would never go back for ‘another round in the ring’ and I blocked most of the contact but knew there would be a way for him to contact me via e-mail as I had not changed my e-mail account. Actually you can block their number and e-mail address and they will still find a way to get in touch if they really want to. I really think the stronger you can make yourself whilst you can have some space the better. I worked on my life, job, trying to make new friendships etc. I moved into a completely new area, a result of fleeing from him the last time. The hole in your life that you may feel right now is because you were so wrapped up in him and his needs you didn’t do anything to fill up your own life (assuming sorry, this was me so may relate to you). I have rejected all my x’s attempts and frankly stated there was no more hope. So, today got an e-mail that I opened and have mixed feelings about. He now has a girlfriend, I would bet it didn’t happen overnight and was probably spending time with her whilst trying to get me to return to the relationship. A pain shot straight through my heart and it is still sitting there now. He continued that if he had me he would not have got involved with her. So, ultimate pressure. I would love for us to have worked out but at some stage you have to face reality. I went back so many times to avoid the pain I was going through just to endure more and more pain. If you get through this pain that you are feeling by sticking with rejecting his attempts at getting you back, the pain WILL get better. I’m handling this much better than I would have thought, I think I have been hurt so many times by him it’s become easier to get through. I knew it was coming, things went quiet and he works quickly. I doubt whether he will let you go easily, they don’t play fair. If they know they can hurt you , they know you still have feelings and feelings equals easy to manipulate. Still a suitable victim. I was angry for months, lashing out at male members of my family. Quite out of character for me. I got to a point where I knew I had to release it. Hanging onto the anger only hurts you. Reliving the pain only hurts you, but it takes time for everyone. I think most of us go through somewhat a similar process. People who have only experienced ‘normal’ relationships can’t understand what you are going through and why would they. When I left the last time I thought I was going crazy, I couldn’t walk down the street with confidence, I felt so low. Very different now, went for a walk along the beach in the morning and meditation with a group in the afternoon. If you can start surrounding yourself with genuine, supportive people it helps alot to get out of their mind control. I hope you’re O.K. and I’m happy to reply anytime you need someone to talk to. Take care

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Brigitte July 4, 2014

Thank you Ness for responding. I have gone 3 weeks plus and we have no contact. He still will eventually send me a text or email! Like today for instance I haven’t seen or spoke to him in over 3 weeks and I saw him today he waved and then he emailed asking me to lunch! I declined politely and then he said if I wanted to be a bitch not to contact him! Ummmmm ok he contacted me’ he’s a control freak obviously! I truly love this man but refuse to endure Anymore of his craziness. I am depressed some days are better and I feel I’m gaining strenghth then he contacts me and I feel sooo sad and hurt!
I know I can’t change him and he is never gonna change that’s why I’ve made it 8 months not going back! That proves I’m getting stronger! Why do I long for him? Hoping he thinks of me and wants me. Yet I love him but don’t want that BS anymore! So why can’t I fully block him from my phone? Not sure I can through email! I wanna move on but I find myself not doin all of what I can to avoid his contact! My heart is crushed from him. Just like today acting like that when I was polite and said spend time with your kiddo. Why does he contact me weeeeeks later?! I didn’t go to lunch so I must be getting stronger? I’ve went back to him after to much and I’ve given him the power. So until
I continue to tell him no I take the power back and I bet he hates that! I often wonder if he ever really loved me at all!!!! Thanks for
Your support!
~B~

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    Ness July 4, 2014

    Hi Brigitte,
    isn’t it a big ego boost for the x when he can leave you for some time then show a little care and say the right things and then we are right back where we started! As far as my own experience, I loved him, or what I feel is love. Maybe I need to revisit that one too. I still love parts of him, the good parts, but when I feel like I am slipping I go straight back into remembering the utterly horrible, nasty, selfish, vindictive things he has done to me over the last three years. Rock bottom a few times is not life. He simply let me struggle through it – didn’t care. He has tried his best this time, but the strong feeling in my gut prevents me from ever going back there. They do come back in when you are getting back on your feet, to keep you hanging on. Yes, when I refused the advances – I’ll take you away, can I help you financially etc. he then moved onto some abusive language (frustrated he couldn’t get his way). He is still able to get through on my mobile using no caller id, so I simply turned my phone off last night. If you have in your mind that they can contact you at any time, you tend to remain attached. ‘When will I get contact from him next…keeps you thinking about them and not your own life’ I was a strong woman before I met him and after I left for a while I thought I couldn’t survive without him.They somehow increase your dependence on them. I’m doing fine now. Still hard work but making progress. That’s what you don’t do with them – progress – you’re stuck. You should be proud of yourself for not giving in – you know what’s coming eventually after that lovely lunch or dinner, or that beautiful weekend. Those moments (crumbs aren’t they) don’t make a supportive, loving long term relationship that you can rely on. I myself, needed to learn not to look to others to approve of me, that was my weakness I think. It’s only when you give yourself the space and time to think that you can work all this out. It really is a process, he can get through to me if he really tries but not getting affected by him is getting easier and easier. That may be your experience as you get stronger in you own life. This is one the the hardest challenges I have ever gone through. I am really thankful that I have reached this point in my life, free of the pain, confusion and hurt. I am pretty sure he would have someone else by now but I have no feeling about it, I know what the other woman is getting into. I wrote down my life goals, what I wanted ( they don’t care about what we want, it’s what they want), this was great as it gave me a plan and motivated me. Possibly something to try. Decent people don’t play games and hurt others because they can….good luck Brigitte, wishing you all the best.

    Reply
      Brigitte July 4, 2014

      Thank you again for your words. This all helps me stay a little stronger! I am proud of myself
      For not giving in as I know what it will end like! Your so right on the waiting for the contact it keeps me stuck too. So do I delete our pics and block his number he can text my other one too but was thinkin of changing my number! Also
      When I feel weak I remember all the things he did to me! He still
      Thinks all the stuff he did that I forgave that he will once again break me to want him! I think it kills him I don’t contact him or want him! I wish he would let me heal fully! But I guess that’s
      On me to do! I am very emotional lately then I feel angry! But I am getting stronger! I won’t lie
      When he drove by me in my truck today and waved I drove off and cryed! But I remained strong!
      Thank you Ness again! I’d be super lost without this! So happy you have come so far and gained strength! 😉

      Reply
Brigitte July 2, 2014

I forgot to mention when I said our family and kids. We don’t have kids together we were raising my 14 year old daughter and his 6 year old son. Wich they saw to much that they should never have! :/

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Julie July 2, 2014

Hello all –

My story is a long and exhausting one.

I am at a loss of words but I need some help. Please understand that anything I have done came with the best intentions and the hurt I have caused is of great shame to me.

Anyway, I am at a bad place. Nearing a year ago an affair (through which I conceived a son) I had for four years was uncovered. Much due to my own actions of persistence. Anyhow, the fallout was extreme. My son’s father so lost his mind with stress he tried to have my children taken from me, said I raped him and did many other atrocious things I found out later (such as sending intimate videos he had asked for to others and conspiring with my daughter’s father to have be “buried” – fortunately he did not go along).

His wife filed for divorce in October of last year. Since then we have been together. Until two weeks ago when I acted badly over a trip to CA he was taking that would reunite him with another woman he was carrying on with. He claimed nothing would happen and he’d only see her at a service, but I saw pics at a bar etc that suggested different. He also wouldn’t tell me where he was staying and was so angry when I became upset over that. Since then he was so angry with me he wasn’t speaking until a few days ago and says he wants us to work on ourselves and he is changing the trajectory of our relationship.

My question is: should I file my child support claim again? I had pulled it because he was so upset about it.

How do I get him back? He has left me a bunch before but it feels different (it always feels different). Is he a narc?

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IJustWannaBeMeAgain... July 1, 2014

I was directed to his page by a good friend. She feared for me while I was in a relationship with a Narcissist. She could see what was happening but I was well and truly under his “spell”. I am so happy to have found this account, as I simply thought he was just an A**hole, now I know that he is an N. He made me feel absolutely terrible, inferior, small, I lost my self-esteem and my world was him. He leeched of me, he used me and emotionallly drained me. Because I was trying to reject him, he broke into my home, bleached my clothes, put bleach in my fish tanks and stole from me. He always disregarded my feelings in every way but I kept believing if I tried harder he would turn himself around. Now I know that no matter what I did, he would never return the love I gave to him and most importantly, I am not crazy. Which he’d often try to convince me of being. It’s only been 4 days of ‘No contact’ but I feel I have the strength to walk away and keep him away for good. Thank you for sharing your wisdom on this, it has helped me immensely. 🙂

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2014

    IJWBMA,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am glad you realize that the way he treated you had nothing to do with you…and everything to do with the fact that he is a controlling, manipulative disordered person. In fact, considering that he put bleach in your fish tank, he may have some sociopathic traits. That was just evil.

    Kudos on going No Contact. I hope you are still holding strong. Thank you for checking out my blog. I hope you will consider some of the healing tools here to help in your recovery.

    Blessings and light ~ Kim

    Reply
Brigitte June 30, 2014

Thank you all for sharing! This helps me a lot with what I’m goin through and been through! I have had no contact again with my N in 2 weeks but find myself hoping he does! He broke me down to NOTHING! I left him for good 8 months ago and have not gone back this time! I’ve given in and spent nights with him but it never last more than 2 days and he’s back at being an a**!! He cheated he’s beat me he’s emotionally broke me down! Calls me fat and filthy and on and on. I can’t stand what he’s done to me
Mentally I feel stuck and depressed I cry and then I’m angry! Ughhh I find myself unable to block him from contact and hope he does yet I know I don’t need it or want it. I often wonder wether he really ever cared and we had a family our children saw bad things and that’s the biggest reason I left of course the disease of herpes he brought home after cheating with the same girl
Twice and yes in OUR bed and OUR car!!! I sure hope
This gets easier?!? Why am
I consumed with hoping?!? Wondering if he misses me at all or cares! Oh ladies I’m losing my sanity if not lost already! Ughhhh :'( he broke my heart so deeep and i don’t know how! With all he has done and still does. He will
Ignore me for weeks then he will email
Or text and say ” I really miss you I know it doesn’t seem that way” every dang time. I fall each time! Over n over the best I’ve done is not go back and don’t let him treat me like crap I just leave and I don’t go there Anymore! He has broke
My nose, he’s taken all the light bulbs and turned off power to house and left my daughter and I like that all night! He would shut off hot water while I was in the shower if he was angry! And mostly he blames me
FOR EVERYTHING. Like I make him do these things! He likes control he hates me
Having an
Opinion on anything and most times we can’t communicate because I’m just wrong!
Everyday is a new day and I hope this gets better it seems I sink more by the day with hurt! Thinking how much he is not caring bout me and having a good time bugs me! Not as worried about him and other girls as I mentioned he gpt herpes when he cheated so I’m
Sure that makes it hard. More of a reason you think he’d stay with me cause I forgave him. Y?!! I have no clue it was painful! Also I got pregnant and he abandoned me and told me
Daily he hoped I died or got an infection he didn’t want another kid. He would say j hope they strap you down and rip that baby from you! Or it was kill it! Thanks for this blog it helps to read everyone else as well! Please tell
Me I can make
It through this?!? Gets sadder and harder! I’ve had good guys but seems I like these d bags! Thanks agaon!

~B~

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    Ness July 3, 2014

    Sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time Brigitte. I forgave alot of things too. Do you think he will change? Just because he has treated you like shit doesn’t mean that is what you are or that he is somehow so much better than you to be able to treat you with such disregard. Forgiving them is really what they count on and this is how they erode your sense of worth as you forgive the unforgivable. I know it is frigtening thinking of going it alone, especially when you feel so vulnerable.Could you possibly set yourself a short term target and not speak to him for three weeks and see how the space away from him makes you feel. You obviously are experiencing alot of pain, hurt and confusion right now. I kept going back and kept getting hurt over and over again until I had had enough. I literally had to hit rock bottom to realise that no one is worth experiencing a life that is full of trauma. My x still attempts to entangle me back into a relationship with him but I figure I gave him 6 goes at it and that’s it for me.I was hooked on the adrenaline from all the stress and it took me some time to feel what normal was like again. It’s like without them creating drama life is empty but it only seemed empty for me as I lost so much of my life along the way. I can only say if you find the courage to let go and give it time life does improve. It has really only been a short time for me but I am feeling so much better without my x. Good luck with everyone, I know how difficult it is.

    Reply
Leah June 29, 2014

I am laughing out loud right now! Thank you God that I have only been in this relationship for 6 months! I swear you are writing about my guy!! WOW!! I guess I should be grateful that I have not wasted any more time with this loser. I just am still wondering why I even care when I know what he is about and that he will never meet my needs. Why do I allow him my energy!

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2014

    Leah,

    The emotional control and abuse is so insidious and covert, they can do major damage in a short amount of time.

    I hope you will try some of the guided meditations and other healing tools here to help detach. Best wishes for your recovery!

    Blessings and light ~ Kim

    Reply
Tothineownselfbetrue June 29, 2014

Thank you Kim for your replies to both of my posts. I was literally on my way to church thinking about calling him when I received an email that you replied to my post. Just that one post saved me from making a huge mistake in my recovery. I will be contacting the local Domestic Violence Center and to get my daughter and I into counseling. She needs it as much as I do. My son lives in another state and I’m scared because I have seen traits in him. I blame myself for not leaving long ago but I can’t keep beating myself up over it. I will talk to him about seeking help. Thank you for helping me to see that he is indeed sick. His mother is his enabler and she is now trying to reach out to the kids and tells them that they are being over sensitive….My daughter is stronger than my son only because she is further away and has no contact. My son has limited contact but wants and needs his father’s approval. I can’t thank you enough for responding to me so quickly and saving me!! Your website is extremely helpful!!

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Tothineownselfbetrue June 28, 2014

I am not sure if my ex is a N or has some of the traits. He did make me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world in the beginning that I was his everything and then as the years went on there were little comments/digs here and there until the last 6-8 years where is really bad. He would do physical and mental abuse to the kids, he would say things and then tell he “I never said that.” We would start to think we were crazy. He can be so charming and funny and that is what we loved and I miss but then on a second he could go into full rage. I left him hoping he would change and miss me – nope he quickly filed for divorce. I learned about 2 months ago that he is dating someone and has told the kids that he has never been happier and that they will not sabotage his new found happiness. I find myself so jealous of this relationship and cry because I feel so lonely. All the articles/posts keep saying that the N always comes back…mine never did. He never contacts me. I find myself trying to find ways to contact him and the last time was I asked if I could have some items and I got the items sent to me along with all the pictures I left for him of the us and the kids. Now he claims that he didn’t know the pictures were for him and thought I would want them. I believe it was his way of trying to hurt me and of course he did. HOW do I stop thinking about him! It seems like every minute of the day I can’t stop thinking about him and his new found love. I start to question if I ever should have left. He called me names, he was embarrassed to be seen with me because I “let myself go” and I did. I am ashamed of how I look and I am so jealous that he is with someone younger and thinner. I don’t have money for counseling – I didn’t fight for alimony and now he seems to have all kinds of money. I was with him when we were barely surviving and now she gets to enjoy it all. He used to say he wished he never had kids or that kids ruined his life and now he is with someone who never wanted kids. Now the two of them can just focus on each other and I get upset because I believe this relationship will actually work! I wanted him to hurt like he hurt me. I wanted him to feel the pain of being made to feel like nothing and now he is the happy one and I am all alone and obsessing over him! Am I the one that is sick and crazy? He used to tell me I was sick and demented…I am starting to wonder if he is right. He used to tell me he wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot pole – now I don’t believe any man would. I have reached out to my local church but they can’t seem to help me deal with this…I wish I could find a support group because I really feel as if I am losing it. I just wanted him to love me…

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    Kim Saeed June 29, 2014

    Tothineownselfbetrue, you are suffering from the aftermath of severe emotional abuse.

    I know it doesn’t feel this way now, but you are very lucky to be away from this man, and your kids are, too. In fact, you may want to contact your local Domestic Abuse center and see about getting your children into counseling. The effects of this type of abuse are very negative and far-reaching. Your children could either grow up to be co-dependent or Narcissistic themselves based on the abuse they’ve suffered. You should also check to see what support groups they have for adults.

    Reply
    Trying2 fly September 27, 2014

    Please visit http://www.chumplady.com. This community is all of ex cheated spouses of serial lying cheating narciccist. It is really helping me move on.

    Reply
Marianne June 19, 2014

You are very insightful and your messages and words are a help. I had a relationship with a man for three years, he was not abusive physically or even obvious in his emotional abuse as it was very subtle but I spent the three years on high alert in fight or flight mode, not realising that I was disappearing gradually in my own life but not being accepted into his. I made lots of excuses for him with my family…never met them, or my children or suggested I meet his. He would punish with silence and personal ‘jokes’ and pontificate about where I was going wrong. If I didn’t eat all week and looked ‘hot’ I was offered much affection followed by pulling away after the weekend. There were many issues but I felt like I was in love with him and accepted the bad with the good – amazing sex, food, laughter, intimacy (false on his part). I tried to leave him several times only to be hoovered back. Luckily, my previous, lovely ex-boyfriend got in touch after 4 years and came back into my life. During his reassessment of our relationship He had dreamt that I was falling into a dark pit and he couldn’t have been more right. He gave me the strength to leave. I almost rejected him to continue the toxic relationship, such was the pull of the narcissist but we got through it. I have been non contact with the narcissist for three months. He has delivered items I left at his house, paintings I created for him and letters to my old home. He walks past the school I work frequently even though I had never seen him in the town I work in and he lives in for three years. I used to be crippled with self doubt and anguish every time there was contact from him. Now, I hold my head high and drive on. I am getting married next year. My new partner has taught me how to love properly. He is an amazing person. I know I have work still to do but everyday I get stronger and happier. Get rid of them, regain your self esteem however you can and don’t feel guilty about them….guaranteed they don’t feel guilty about you!

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    Marianne, I am so glad to know you’re involved with someone who really cares about you. You are lucky because we often end up attracting another disordered person if we haven’t healed our wounds, but you’ve got a supportive and loving partner. Congrats on your engagement! I’m so very happy for you 🙂

    Reply
      Marianne June 26, 2014

      Thank you Kim, you are helping a great deal of women (and men) by posting your words. I know that I still need support. I hope all of your readers and posters find strength and ultimately contentment away from controlling partners or toxic relationship dynamics. I would never have believed, as a strong person that I could have been drawn into such a poor relationship but true narcissists are very plausible, charming and disarming. I would suggest to anyone that if you can’t work out what it is that is wrong and you find yourself disappearing in your own life for someone else that you don’t ignore the instinctive alarm bells and stop investing in someone else until you know that you have an equal, loving, progressing & enjoyable relationship.

      Reply
    Surayya October 25, 2014

    Kim , Thank you so much for your blog. After reading all the stories , one thing i finally realize , it wasn’t me , it is not me, it is HIM. I am not the bad one here, he is!!! and after reading the articles about Narcissist and their behaviors I can confidently say I feel so much relieved that I did do the right thing letting him go and that I am all worth it and not what he made me to believe about myself. I can now smile. Thank you Kim

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Sue June 16, 2014

Wow this blog is amazing, insightful and uplifting. My 8 year relationship has ended recently with my N ex instigating no contact. I couldn’t understand how he could not feel the pain I have been feeling since we always thought we were a God destined couple. I was told to look up “Google”, Narcissist Supply this morning. I have been reading all day and have found this site to be truthful, and helpful. I hope there is recovery on the horizon for each and every person damaged by this sort of relationship

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    Kim Saeed June 21, 2014

    Sue,

    Thank you for visiting my blog, and for reaching out.

    If you are just learning about Narcissism, you will likely feel the need to educate yourself about it for a few months. However, after that time, it’s important to turn that focus around to you and your recovery. Don’t fall into the trap of getting to the point of obsession, because that does happen. Balance it out with self-care.

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Ms. Karma June 11, 2014

I love this site and very greatful to have women that can understand and relate to this whole twighlight zone situation of being involved with a N.. It will b 1 year July 7th of no contact 4 me and it is so hard be cause I have a 5 year old son with this man and he is my constant reminder of the N.. my soul bleeds when my son asks 4 his dad and I don’t know what 2 say 2 him.. I don’t want 2 tell him the truth of his dad beating me down damn near 2 death in the streets of Chicago in 4ront of his new target and her children and how she is still with him like it can’t happen 2 her.. Did me like that because I exposed him.. sent me 2 the hospital with facial and scalp contusions, damn near murdered me and the justice system failed me and he got away with it Scott free because his attorney knew the judge, u know how that game goes, it’s all about who u know.. no jail time, no nothing.. That’s the truth.. but am I suppose to explain this to my 5 year old son?.. I still struggle with this whole horrific ordeal everyday, but I am n a much better place than I was months ago because being hurt the way I have damn near cost me to lose my mind.. Revenge runs through my blood when I am hurt.. I need that man to feel the very exact pain he has caused me.. I have tried to hurt him by sending him and his mom voo doo dolls, have warned the Feds of the illegal things he does, had torched his car, slashed his new targets tires on her car because I couldn’t understand y she was coming to court with him and she witnessed everything he done to me in those streets.. Oh man, how the very thought of it all still disturbs me.. none of those things seemed to have affected him though.. I just was really trying 2 send him a message to let him know that he will never ever get away with that and that the war was just beginning.. at this point I just want financial support for my son because its only right and fair and he didnt ask 2 b born into this man’s illness.. I heard also this will b my best revenge ever, to get in their pockets, and since he feels he’s above the law like most N’s, I know he won’t abide with court orders and that will finally land him n jail where I want him to b and whoever bonds him out will not get their money back, it will come to me because I’m the mom, already been doing my homework on that.. he hates child support and so far his licences are suspended and that’s music to my ears.. I just want my lick back.. my grandma always told me if somebody hit u, u hit them back.. I just feel like I won’t get peace until something happens to him.. I heard in due time karma will get em’, guess I want it to happen on my time and God doesn’t work like that.. I’m learning to stay out of God’s way and let him handle him because God sees all and I know he’s just waiting on the perfect moment to get this wolf in sheep’s clothing.. yes, wolf in sheep’s clothing meaning this man is also playing with and using God as far as having the audacity to now b an ordained pastor and having the nerve to really go through this ceremony with all he has done to me.. no empathy, no remorse, no mends made, not involved in his son’s life, nothing. What real man of God goes on with life and sleep at night with all that on his conscious? obviously not this man because he is not a normal individual, he is a true NARCISSISTIC WOMAN BEATING DEADBEAT and I hope he rotts in hell!! I hate him for coming into my life and manipulating me for 5 years that way and I’m mad at myself for ignoring my red flags!!…

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    Kim Saeed June 14, 2014

    Ms. Karma, what your Ex did to you was horrendous. You have every right to feel angry. But, I would recommend finding some way to move past what happened and focus more on healing. You’re right, God will take care of this man in His own time. Each time you participate in an act of revenge, you are actually creating the possibility of bad karma for yourself. That’s what worries me…

    You and your son deserve to be happy. Please try to work on overcoming your anger. If you are able to see a therapist, I would suggest doing that. If you stay stuck in anger and revenge, it will only keep perpetuating and getting worse over time.

    Reply
      Anonymous August 9, 2014

      Hi Kim, thanks for your kind words of encouragement, as I re read what I expressed back in June, I realize that I did still have a lot of anger.. I think I’m much better today as I truly begin to c each day does get better and the load a little lighter.. I also have realized that prayer works tremendously.. I actually WAS seeing a therapist before I wrote to u, but it just didn’t seem to work for me.. I decided to just stick with prayer as it has helped open my heart a little more and still find room to forgive the N even though he hurt me to the core.. It feels pretty weird and surreal because I even pray for him and I never thought I would ever find myself doing this because I wanted revenge on him so bad.. I have just accepted the fact that he is truly sick and because I am human and have sympathy and compassion for others, I feel sorry for him.. I hope that’s OK to say… I have faith to know that I will never go back to him because I never want to endure that pain and heartach EVER again… I still do struggle from time to time like when my children ask for him because I don’t know what proper answer to give them.. Those times are when I begin to feel emotional all over again, but not anger so much now, just slight sadness and that’s when I begin to go in prayer again… Embarrassed as I am to say this, it’s like I keep my lines of communication open just in hopes that one day in this lifetime he will try to reach out to us as it has been well over a year now, but I only want that just so I can hit the reject button one time just to feel like I got the power again and that I knew eventually he would break.. I know deep down that’s not helping me to recovery though, I just know that it would feel so good for that moment 🙂 … At the end of the day, I am very ecstatic that I have made it thus far with No Contact.. It’s most definitely a challenge but well worth it to continue to go forward.. I thank u Kim and continue to help us get through this ferry difficult time with your continued words and wisdom of encouragement… Again, I thank u, and salute u…. 🙂

      Reply
      iivory78 January 15, 2015

      Hi Kim… This is Ms. Karma.. I left u a thank u message in the past but not quite sure it reached u… Anyway I just wanted to thank u again for this website and words of encouragement we all continue to heal from this pain and abuse.. I just wanted to share that I am in s much better place today and it feels great… Time and prayer really does help heal all wounds.. I have been in NO CONTACT for a year in a half.. it was hard, but I survived it.. Strangely this past Dec 26th 2014, which I had realized that it was 1 day after Christmas, I received a phone call from my ex narcs sister saying how she would like to see my son and how he’s still her nephew and that she really wanted to see him.. It was awkward talking to her at first because I havent heard from him or his family in always two years and then BOOM, out of the blue.. Basically I have been wondering could this b a hoover move by proxy?.. Its very odd to me because my ex Narc was suppose to appear in court for a child support hearing on the 18th of Dec and never showed as he never comes to court because he feels he is above the law as most Narcs feel and the States Attorneys informed me that if he doesnt show up for the next date of Feb 19 2015, they will finally b issuing a warrant out for his arrest.. This is y I am so suspicious about this call from his sister out of all this time.. Let me not forget to add that I did indeed take my son to see his aunt but with caution.. I was invited in and I refused and I was also invited in again after picking him back up and I just refused again very nicely.. Never got out the car.. Its just weird to me that after almost two years the family would want to see my baby when its so close to the Narc to finally posibly facing jail time.. Not sure if they are trying to lure me back in to try to drop the child support or what… Cant really tell if this call was really genuine or is it all about him and something he wants.. My 5 year old did tell me that his dad came by to see him and took him for a ride to the store to get snacks and then brought him back.. He told me he was happy to see his dad.. Also the sister kept insisting that I bring him back the following week but I didnt because it is just too odd for everyone to act as if nothing never happened.. She even called again to ask y i didnt bring him and i just told her that I was sorry and that i had some other stuff going on.. I just dont want to get back sucked up into the hurt and although I know its about my baby and getting to know his family, i just dont know if its really sincere or if its a motive behind this because I mean afterall, who waits almost two years to get in touch with their flesh and blood, a innocent child?… Only a narcissist would when they know they are facing something thats gonna make his life even more miserable even though its due to his own actions.. Please Kim, what do u suggest on a situation like this.. I have been doing so good all this time and I really dont know what to do with this.. I just dont want to b that parent that keeps the child away from the family because of a break up, but at the same token, i know this wasnt a normal break up with a normal person and it is very difficult when people dont really know the truth as you do… I dont want my baby to get hurt either from this very ill man…

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 17, 2015

        I can only speculate here, but I would imagine they have some plan that they’ve concocted and that’s why the sudden interest in your child. It may be that he hired an attorney and he’s going by the attorney’s advice in order to avoid something in court or use the visits to his advantage in some way.

        As you said, they went two years without even asking. It’s no coincidence that they are showing a sudden interest right here before the court hearing. I would avoid talking to them anymore for any reason and wait to see what the Judge says. It’s not that you would be trying to keep your child from “their family”, but that you don’t want to fall into whatever trap they may be setting up. Trust your instinct. I would even go so far as to block their numbers and let the Judge decide what to do.

        Reply
    lucy October 2, 2014

    2nd time im posting this i left my message to you miss karma in the wrong area on here. opps sorry kim!
    To Ms. Karma
    JUNE 11, 2014 @ 8:44 PM

    i read your story this am. you are very lucky your not in jail right now. you have allowed yourself to stoop to his level. my advice is to move away from this man. you dont need his money. you can care for your son alone. if you dont leave you must get help right away. do not i repeat do not tell or write on here about the crazy things you have done. i would ask that your responses here be erased. you need to get meds to control your nerves or exercise and vitamins etc. if you feel a like you might do something to your ex and his mother dont! look at your little boy he needs you ! stop letting your ex control your life. ill share a little bit of my past with you. my ex not the recent one my kids dad. he was a very mean man. he took our kids away from me years ago. id lost my job and was a mess. his family knew the judge from church. my exe and his wife beat on my kids and starved them too. id give them food to stash in there closets or toy boxes etc . well 9 years later after my divorce and 7 years dealing with my ex wife n him my exe got cancer. he ended up dieing a horrible death. everyone around me agreed he had lived a selfish life and treated our kids like animals.nit to mention he threw me in jail because i could not afford to pay support for our kids. i had 2 other kids at home and bills and more bills i barley made it as it was,. and 1 of my 2 at home was his legally . but in order to keep her from him i had to tell the courts his was not her biological father. Anyways what im trying to say is leave it in gods hands! he will take care of it! you sow what you reap!! i also have another boy whose sperm donor is a monster too.im seeing the unhealthy pattern here . anyways these monsters will be punished but not by us. To be honest they do themselves in. so stop doing anything to your ex. i can tell you yo wil get caught. and your ex or his family will win then! and maybe get your son! and you wil have to do supervised vists. So seriously think of moving or rather you stay etc get help. do not ever speak of anything youve done to your ex again. not to a female friend not to anybody. get a med to help with your nerves so you can calm down. if you dont listen to me you will end up losing it all. HES NOT WORTH IT! dont let him win by turning into him. please i pray you will be ok.GOD SPEED!

    Reply
      Anonymous October 2, 2014

      Hi Lucy, thank u so much for your feedback and words of encouragement… I am n a much better place 2day and have moved on with my life… I am n a new relationship and VERY happy now… It took me to pray and seek therapy to rid those toxins and anger out of me… The N no longer controls my life…. Those things I shared about what I did had already been done… I had already moved 50 miles from him and began doing my dirt because I needed that revenge, but as I look back, it was a waste of time, it was a temporary relief for me for that moment…. Do I regret it?, HELL NO and will never take it back!… It is what it is… For every action their is a reaction and so I reacted…. It’s always easy to voice your opinion about so ething if u r not n that persons shoes so with that being said, I am good, I am blessed, I have let that man go and now my blessings are overflowing, it is not easy to recover from that type of abuse and I would never judge anyone one how they handle their situation when it comes to that… At the end of the day, GOD is good and as u stated, I know HE will seek justice for me when it’s all said and over with and he has already started the process by sending me an amazing man that has made me smile again and truly loves me for me…. No Narc tendicies period….. ?…..

      Reply
      Surayya October 25, 2014

      Kim, can you please explain how is wanting to give revenge to our ex narcissist is bringing bad karma, to us??

      Reply

Bingo! This is why my Ex kept me around after the Divorce: He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.

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phoenix14 June 1, 2014

Hi, i’m new to all of this too and I can relate to so much of what ‘s been said here. I found my husband to be cheating on me and confronted him, during my complete breakdown he decided to give me the silent treatment. When i got up the next day and found he was still going on with the silent treatment, I packed a bag and left. Oddly enough he waited a few hours and called me on my cell phone, called work and even called my boss! trying to find out where i was. Apparently he couldn’t figure out why i left. or maybe it was just another one of his games, pretending to be dumb – he was good at that too. he had so many faces, so many tactics, depending on who he felt like being that day. I believe he had more wrong with him than narcissism. I did not return any of his calls, which i didn’t even know about until later in the day.i immediately implemented NO CONTACT. It was hard but i did it. Then i found that he changed the passwords to my email accounts. took me a little while, but i got in and changed them so something he couldn’t figure out and beefed up my security on everything. after a few days, he sent me emails asking for the telephone. Yes, i did shut off the phone, cable and internet. I wasn’t going to keep paying for ways to continue his infidelities. I did send him an email asking him to cooperate and leave, since he wasn’t working he couldn’t afford to stay there. Not to mention i was tired of him running me out of my own home with his abuse. And to let him know that i wasn’t going to restore the phone, cable or internet – I also told him I was going to turn off the electricity too! I got no response until a couple of days later saying “I won’t respond to someone being so childish and petty”…..So i called the police, had them talk to him since he was ignoring me and had to actually pay him to leave so i could come home! It’s been almost two months of no contact with him – it’s been difficult, but i keep reminding myself of what i don’t have to put up with anymore. It makes me sad to know that so many others out there have had such awful experiences but at the same time, am glad to be able to hear and share with others who truly understand. Thanks to all of you!

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    Kim Saeed June 4, 2014

    Pheonix, you will do well. I know you’re in pain now, but you laid out some pretty strong boundaries, and your continued NC will no doubt make your recovery that much faster.

    Thank you for sharing your story because it might help others who come across it…

    Reply
Diana Grace May 29, 2014

Hello, I’m new to this site but am in such need of everything that I have just read! It’s been almost only 3 days since I last had contact w my N and he’s already got another girlfriend! 15 years of my life he has everything and I nothing! He would have nothing if it wasn’t for me. I’m so sick I can’t even function! I use to be a go getter and now I can’t even get out of my own way. I’m beyond depressed! Thank You for the well needed info!

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    Kim Saeed May 31, 2014

    Diana,

    Thank you for commenting. It can be very painful when they move on with a new partner right away, but it’s important to remember that the new partner isn’t better than you, it’s just that Narcissist’s cannot survive without supply.

    I hope you’ve implemented No Contact. Doing anything less is like allowing a viper to live in your home, never knowing when it will strike…

    Reply
MrsV May 18, 2014

I dont know if my exhusband is narcissist or not. he definately does have some of the signs and actions. could he be part narcissist? i did not get love-bomb in the sense that you have written. and he doesnt act all superior or better then anyone, but ya, he used to tell me that i thought i was better then everyone (mostly because the people he likes to hang out with are drunks or druggies, that dont take care of or even have their own kids, dont work, and “borrow” everything from a place to stay to 10 dollars for gas, i made the choose long ago to avoid those types of people to better my own life), out of the 14 years we were together, he paid for all the bills and everything for 10 of those years. but he told everyone i took all his money, and never gave him money (he never told me he wanted or needed any) we separated for 2 years, he would always call drunk that he misses me and the kids, i would tell him we could talk about it when he was sober, for him to tell me he loves me when he was sober and he never did. like an idiot i took him back after he moved in with OW. i literally begged for him not to leave us. he came back. shortly after that my 25 year old daughter died. so i was in a fog the 1st year. but last year was a train wreck. he wasnt giving me any money since he got back, i was paying for all the bills (he was out of work for a while tooo). i dont even remember how long i was doing that but at the beginning of last year (Jan – May) he was telling me that he only made 200 a week and he had bills and gas to go to work. i found out in June that he was making 550 to 600 a week. confronted him and he started paying a few bills and groceries. also in june thou he started drinking more and not coming home. wouldnt answer my calls or texts. in august, he started looking at dating sites, actually tried to contact a few. when confronted he said he knew i had a key logger on the computer and he did it to “make me snap”!?!? in sept, i told him (after another all mighter) that he was a alcoholic and needed help and that it will distroy our family. he agreed but neither he nor i looked into it. in fact, the very next week, he was out all night again. Oct increased the staying out all night by dec it was either fri or sat every weekend. i kept asking him what was going on, what was i doing wrong, did he want a divorce, he would say no. i kicked him out new years eve, when he came home, picked a fight and left at 7pm and didnt come home. i already had the divorce papers from the aug incident. i thought it would make him snap, it didnt. by jan 1, he acted like he didnt care. we went to notary to sign, he lied about where he was staying. Still i was trying to save my marriage. but on feb 9 i took a box of clothes, and he brought his new girlfriend with him. she is still married, been separated for 5 years. doesnt have her kids (they live in another town) she has no job, no house, no car, doesnt take care of her kids, parties and drinks all the time. perfect for him. i filed the papers the next day. divorce was final mar 20 2014.

so now he is not talking at all to me. i tried to get him to talk about what he wanted, he just said nothing. so he got nothing. i tried to ask him about the kids, he wouldnt talk only telling me it was my fault and it was over, and he was not coming back and i need to get over it. so i got sole custody and zero visitations. even thou, i have been allowing him to see the kids every other weekend. i contact him, he doesnt contact me. but he tells the boys that i cut into his time with them or that i am not giving him enough time with them. april he wanted a truck in the yard, i refused to give it to him, and now he is not paying chiild support. texted him tonight that if he doesnt pay i will start the garnishment papers, he texted back (or she did) then do it. so i will because he is not goign to pay. next week the kids go to another town to be with my parents for the summer (they do this every summer as soon as they were potty trainied) 8 year and 12 years old. i knew he will not pay child support this summer. i cant pay the bills without it. heck, i am struggling to feed these kids. he doesnt care. last weekend, the 17 year old daughter went (her idea) for the visit. he spent most of the time talking to her about me, complaining i didnt give him the truck, complaining i dont let him see the kids, he told her that he doesnt understand why i got mad for his drinking. i go to the bar (10 years ago with a friend) and it is ok, but when he goes, it is not ok. lets his girlfriend treat the daughter like crap. girlfriend is trying super hard to be my boys friend. telling them she loves them and calling them son. UGH!!

anyway…. all this and i am still not sure he is narcasstic. he definately has some kind of personality disorder. passive aggressive, gaslighting, borderline, he shows signs of all of them.

AND i am the one hurting. he is acting like i was nothing to him. 14 years of giving, loving, forgiving, trying to make the marriage work cuz i thought marriage was forever. ya, i am one of those. i struggle with the thought of being nothing. he did take care of us, but he does need to know he is needed. never appreciated what i did but i have to practicely grovel if he did the dishes. anyway…. sites like yours are helping me come to terms with what happened and help me get thru what is still happening. the feeling like i mean nothing, that i never mattered. this time last year he was telling me i was his rock.

thank you. wow. that was long. sorry, just started typing and it all flowed out

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    Kim Saeed May 18, 2014

    MrsV, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I cannot determine if your Ex is a full-blown Narcissist, but he does seem to have many of the traits. From what you shared, he seems to lack responsibility and accountability, along with the fact he’s waging a smear campaign against you, the triangulation, etc.

    My advice to you would be to start taking care of yourself. This type of abuse takes a large toll on us mentally, as well as physically. And if you haven’t yet, you may want to consider counseling for yourself and your children. Especially that he is feeding them lies, not to mention what they suffered while he was still in the household. He is obviously not mature enough to be a parent, if he is talk badly about you to your children.

    If I were you, I would also go ahead and file paperwork with social services regarding child support. When it comes to these disordered types, leave nothing to chance. Best wishes for your situation, and feel free to reach out at anytime.

    Reply
      MrsV June 4, 2014

      Thank you for validating my feelings. every day is getting better for me. i still have my moments (usually at night when i am all alone in my bed) but those crazy moments are getting fewer and farther between. My most recent motto is “who wants a man that will run away, leave his family, and f*ck another mans married woman who doesnt take care of her own kids?” haha long i know. i use variation of this. mostly ” i dont want a man who can stop loving me so quickly after all i done for him” and “i dont want a man who i have to continuous fight for and who can be so easily taken from me”

      i have considered counselling. i think he really did mess me up in the head after 14 years of gaslighting. but again with each passing day that goes by, the fog is clearing. sometimes i look back and think WTF was i thinking, or better yet not thinking because i allowed so much bad behavior on his part.

      i am stilll looking into the garnishment. and his access to the children has been more limited. (last time it was at my house, to make sure his crazy, meth head drama married girlfriend doesnt say anything to my kids). on this visit, we talked briefly (very briefly) but one of the things i said was that i was new at all this divorce/visitation thing. that i was just trying to do what was right for the boys. i told him that it was not my fault he works on saturdays and the kids have catacsym and church on sunday mornings. i told him that i asked around and it seemed to be the norm for divorce parent to set visitations for every other weekends. his response (after not answering my questions on how, when, what days he wants the kids; after not asking for the kids; after now calling about the kids even to see if they were alright or needed something; after him not lifting a finger or wasting a brain cell on trying to figure out how to make this work) was “well, just because everyone else is doing it that way doesnt mean we have to do it that way.” WTF!!! so i ask him well what do you want. he says to see my boys as much as possible. i was like what does that mean to you. he says as much as possible. so i say well during school nights you are welcome to come over and play ball or basketball or even just help them with their homework or watch tv. but they stay here on school nights. his response. it doesnt have to always be at your house. again WTF!! i guess he doesnt want to see them when ever possible. he definately doesnt want to work with me or visit at the house when ever he wants to. i actually dont think he wants visitations but just complains and places blame on me.

      i am not sure how i am going to do visitations after this summer, but they will be going to my parents soon and i need not to worry about it until august. i am planning on just doing vistation when the boys want to see him or call him. but we will see. maybe none at all until he straightens up but i dont think he will. he seems to be getting worse.

      Reply
Trish Ping May 15, 2014

Wow!! As I read these. It has been 7 years of on and off. Weeks and months of silence with the gas lighting before the silence. I tipped over last fall and then still let him back. I have all the same questions and feelings. The therapist mentioned he has narc traits so began my research. I’m not sure what to think or feel right now. Shock of the reality of this. They can’t love anyone but themselves and use people – is all too much

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Michelle Allen April 12, 2014

I’m new on here. Help me understand because I’m having a hard time moving on after 2 years. My ex divorced me not once, but twice. We were together for 17 years and share 50/50 custody of our 12 year old son. We didn’t find out until the 2nd marriage after counseling that he was diagnosed with narcissism. 7 months into the 2nd marriage, he ran out and filed for divorce again. 5 months after he filed divorce, he proceeded to date and move a woman I went to high school with into the house we built together 3 months after he met her. I thought for sure it wouldn’t last. They have now been together for over a year and are very happy. I know I’m in a better place without him, I may not have a nice house anymore, but nothing but peace here. During the divorce proceedings, my attorney sent me to a court appointed domestic and emotional violence therapist. The therapist warned me that at some point he WOULD come crawling back. Over a year later, he still has not done that and I have gotten nothing but silent treatment from him. His girlfriend loves to gloat how happy she is living in our beautiful home we built and gloats about how happy she is that she found her “diamond.” I guess my question here are actually 2 questions. First of all, I want to know why is he so happy with her? Second of all I feel like my therapist steered me wrong because, I really needed him to come crawling back to me on his hands and knees so I had the pleasure of telling him to go to hell! It doesn’t look like I am going to get that chance. I have been hoping and praying every day that they will and, I suppose I just want my karma. 🙁

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    Kim Saeed April 13, 2014

    Michelle,

    Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out.

    I know that this has been very painful for you. First off, don’t be too angry with your therapist. There are not many counselors available that are sufficiently experienced in Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have a theory that this is why it was taken out of the main section of the DSM-V and sanctioned for further study, along with the other Cluster B personality disorders. While Narcissists typically DO go back to their original targets, it doesn’t always happen that way. At the same time, I’ve heard of them going back sometimes four or five years later…

    I’m glad you are feeling more peace these days, but I would caution you that since you seem to want him to come crawling back so you can reject him, it appears you may have some more work to do.

    Just knowing what I know about Narcissists, I am going to throw some things out there. First, it could be that his new woman is gloating and behaving that way because he might have her believing that you are still after him in secret. It’s also entirely possible that he is still love-bombing her and she hasn’t found out his true character. Some Narcs can carry on false appearances for a long time, especially if trying to overcome the stigma of being a Narcissist or emotionally abusive. Either way, the best thing to do would be to stop thinking about what they are up to, and try to focus on your own recovery…until you are able to get to a point where you no longer want revenge.

    Without knowing more about your background, it’s hard to know what would be helpful in overcoming your unique situation, but I’d recommend sharing your revenge fantasy with your therapist so they can help you more forward. Since it’s been over a year, it seems you are stuck and need some guidance in letting go. I wish you all the best.

    Reply
      Surayya October 25, 2014

      Michelle , trust me you will get the chance to tell him go to hell. I finally did and I hope he is just there LOL!!!!

      Reply
    Veronica May 31, 2014

    Michelle,
    I feel we all make the same mistake… assuming we know what is really going on behind closed doors. It really is not possible that after the tortured life you had with this man… suddenly he and this woman now have nothing but happiness… come on! Anyway it doesn’t really matter…life changes on a dime. If you begin to truly work towards building your own ”happiness” then if and when he does come courting you will be in
    the strongest position possible… NOTHING feels better that saying NO THANK YOU! from a position of true power… finally being at peace inside…it is something you cannot fake. Please try to get there…

    Reply
      Kim Saeed June 4, 2014

      Very accurate and helpful insight, Veronica. Thank you for stopping by and for commenting.

      Reply
Teela Hart April 11, 2014

I shivered when I read these. All true, almost like the stages of grieving and death in that my ex tended to run through all these emotions at one point.
Great post.

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Donna April 11, 2014

Okay well this isnt my lover or ex lover that I am going through this with, It is my son… He publicly berates me on FB for all to see. But in a way that makes everything look like it is my fault. This is a good article for me because I just went No Contact with him… Blocked him off my FB and sent the last of his mail to him telling him to change his address because everything that comes here is being returned to sender.. Thank You for these articles.

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    Kim Saeed April 21, 2014

    You’re welcome, Donna. I’m sorry you are going through this with your son. I wish you all the best as you cope with your situation…

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    Surayya October 25, 2014

    I had a bad heartbreaking experience too. He started off lying about his marital status,when I found out he played his mind game by begging me not to leave him because he will leave her soon and he loved me deeply and wants change to be a better person. That never happened so I asked him to leave. He continued to pursue me and at that time I did not know that this is what a narcissist does. I would give him a chance and he would turn around and devalue and discard me. The last time he asked me begged me cried his eyeballs full that i give him a chance and we will get married I knew he was lying so I played his own game. I gave him chance and I wasn’t surprised when he would ignore my calls and would lie about his whereabouts I knew he was with other women. So this one fine day i dropped him like he was a pos, just as he dropped me in the past and gave me the silent treatment. He called me endlessly for days and days but I gave him the NC treatment. Him, fearing his other women will find out, he than continued to call me with different numbers and I continued to ignore him. He just would not stop calling so I decided to give him a much harsher treatment . I gave him his own medicine , and he has left me ever since Hallelujah. I used to wonder at times is he suffering struggling or having a ball of a time?
    But now I know for sure what goes around comes around and I am sure I am not the only woman he has played his crafty games with. Can you imagine what awaits him in the near future? He will surely end up miserable and who knows with poor health too. Amen

    Reply
      phantommirage July 18, 2016

      I often wonder if they repent when they are in their final days w/ no options or time left to spare……and then I’ve read where some never repent right up to their deathbeds. Sigh. Those are the extreme hopeless case, where they die virtually alone.

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WTF April 11, 2014

Ooooh soooo true except he brought flowers not to me but to my 84 yr old mother at my home. He knows Mom’s memory is failing, so he asked her if she remembered him, and she said “Yes”… then proceeded to immediately throw the flowers in the trash. 🙂 Oh, and I also got the “I miss your energy” and the excuse that sleeping with a new “nice but clingy and needed ” woman (and likely more than one), was because he was so agonized by losing me (yea right! 2 weeks after allegedly going into treatment for “love addiction”, he joined Tinder! WTF). It’s been 3 weeks today of solid NO CONTACT from me, and I was just this morning wondering whether he misses me so, Kim, once again, your blog post was a perfect, timely reminder of the necessity of going full NO CONTACT. Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed April 13, 2014

    Dear WTF,

    This is so typical of a Narcissist. When my Ex and I separated the first time, he had fled the country and was “married” to another girl in less than two months. All because he was so devastated about the separation.

    I’m so glad to know that No Contact is working out for you! That is wonderful news. Let me know if you find yourself in need of a guiding hand. Until then…Woo Hoo!

    Reply
addisonbyrne April 10, 2014

Reblogged this on The Bard Seeker and commented:
This is the perfect post….my ex displayed all the narcissist behavior listed here. I couldn’t have written this better myself. 🙂

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    Kim Saeed April 11, 2014

    Wow, thanks for the reblog. What an honor 🙂

    Reply
Vanessa April 10, 2014

Thank you for your blog Kim. Just what I needed right now. It has been almost a month since no contact. It’s been easier this time as he hasn’t attempted to get in touch with me. It may be because I finally sunk to his level and affected his business by posting on an existing site that a client started about his shoddy business operation (I use to work in his business – financially devastating for me) that he physically, psychologically and financially abused me and I wanted nothing to do with his business. He slithered away, in fear of me hurting his reputation and his life for a change! They hate being exposed and thrive on keeping their range of victims in the dark. Right now I obsess about the hurt experienced during the 3 years I was with him. So much hurt, such needless hurt really. Last night was the first night I actually slept well, a little victory for me. I do wonder what he is doing, whether his life is as good as he always told me it would be without me. I have cried about the loss of the good times and then get angry and very sad about the horrible abusive times I suffered with him. Unbelievable to me now that I stayed and put up with all of it. Very surreal. I’m sure he is getting on with life while I am still healing, I have retreated from life right now but I know it’s just my way of dealing with things. I can’t let any new experiences or people in right now, I just couldn’t take another blow if they were to hurt me in some way. There’s been a couple of moments where I have thought of contacting him – can’t imagine why, I think I just miss the comfort of something familiar. It is an insecure feeling having your own independence after being controlled. I conteract this by then thinking about all the pain, it’s worked. I know I wont contact him and look forward to gaining more energy and interest in life again at some point. It might take me two years but I will eventually have a good life. When I think of him just getting on with things, I just know that right now this is the way I need to be and eventually I will get on with things too, with more wisdom and strength. You know after 3 years, I still don’t know who he is. I have been alone for that time with no support anyway. Getting into their mind and understanding where they are coming from does make it all much clearer about who they are. He did get me back many times only to do the same and worse. I have finally woken up.
Thank you so much for your insight. It helps to keep me strong.

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    Kim Saeed April 13, 2014

    Vanessa, thank you for sharing your poignant and touching story. All the feelings you are having are very normal, even the desire to contact him. But as long as you stay No Contact and have blocked all ways for him to communicate with you, you will only continue to get stronger.

    The little known secret is that they don’t really “get on with their life”. It only appears that way. They are in a perpetual prison created by their ego, and even if they find a new target, their feigned happiness won’t last. Since you exposed him, he will be very diligent in attempting to make himself appear innocent and normal, so there will probably be a big display of laissez-faire attitude and being a pillar citizen. If he finds a new target, it will look like the epiphany of happiness.

    I’m glad to know my blog is helpful to you. It’s my honor to help you on your way to true recovery and emotional freedom 🙂

    Reply
happinessweekly April 10, 2014

Kim – another fantastic blog which explains it so well. I thought there were two clear cycles in my case, but you’re right – the second was punishment for the first.
I’m 101 days into No Contact (92 if we include the day he dragged me through court – and yes I’m counting, that’s how much trauma he caused: each day is a celebration of my freedom) and the police are notified that’s what I want. I’m freakin’ serious this time! He will never see or hear from me again – and yes, a part of me is waiting to receive his super-apology for what he did.
I see counsellors and the only way I can describe how he left me emotionally was that he literally doused me in petrol and lit a match. That’s how much I need to rebuild and the scars I have. That’s how I feel when I look in the mirror. How can anyone hurt a human being like that AND feel some kind of sick satisfaction from it? I just can’t understand.
Every day I find it hard to grapple that the man I knew is a narcissist. It’s like I can’t comprehend it and acceptance feels so far away. I still have nightmares every single night. I still vomit most mornings. Sometimes it feels as though No Contact has moved me no further along, and that’s when I realise how bad what he did was to me.
Thank you for confirming that my diagnosis of his NPD wasn’t understated or misguided and reminding me I’m on a safer path. I’m 31 and I’ll probably never date again after this experience, but I’m still better off.
Every time I read your blog, I feel less alone in my recovery. This is literally the worst thing I ever experienced in my life and my family, friends, colleagues etc. all witnessed and they also struggle to make sense of me going back the first time. Everything I thought was “special”, everything I thought was “our secret” is just common… And this literally means: there’s nothing special about him – there never was.
Thanks Kim.

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    Veronica June 22, 2014

    Hi Happinessweekly… You posted your story 2 1/2 months ago. I hope you are still NC and are feeling better. My questions for all of us is: How much of our lives do they get to destroy? Where do we draw the line? I am no different than the most wounded of us all. Somehow I also wanted to believe he would not say and do those wonderfully loving things and then hurt me as only he could without it being my fault…I must have done or said something wrong. I tried so many times to correct my behavior to no avail.
    And then came the dawn… once or twice in my life I have loved my car! I babied it, kept it spotlessly clean…no dings or dents allowed, strangers complemented me on how beautiful the car was… and as much pleasure as that car gave me and no matter how I took excellent care of it… IT NEVER LOVED ME BACK! No heart… After years it became too expensive to maintain, I sold it, bought another. I think that is where we need to get with the N’s we’ve allowed into our lives…those relationships are just too expensive to maintain…they’ve cost a piece of our being/soul… I’ve been NC for almost 4 months…most days it’s easy…some days not so easy.
    If we were as loveless as they are they would not have chosen us… you are correct there is nothing special about them…other than their inability to feel anyone else’s pain or appreciate our love.. that will never change.. There is something special about us… we are still able to feel each others pain… Good luck…

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      Cjs July 20, 2014

      Thank you for this.

      Reply
      Surayya October 25, 2014

      Happinessweekly!! he doused you in petrol and lit a match????? Oh my God!! are you safe , right now ?

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    cmcgahern September 6, 2014

    Your experience has scary similarities to mine. At 33 years old, I am in the process of divorcing my N wife of 14 years. I have hung on for the last six years believing (via my convincing N) that I was the problem in our relationship. In hindsight I can now see her destructive cycles and the insidious pain that each event was intended to cause. Unfortunately the damaging cycles were applied to anyone who saw through her behavior patterns, such as my mother and siblings. Once discovered those individuals were quickly abolished from her life.
    The description on your emotional being is perfectly worded…nine months of therapy has helped me understand this monster; however, the emotional scars and damage will take much longer to heal. Whether male or female, individuals with NPD will leave you emotionally blackened. Despite the advice from friends and family, I also went back to her twice…It is obvious that on both occasions she needed to fill her narcissistic needs with me when other sources ran dry. Objectively speaking I can now see the extreme NPD amongst all of her family members. The best advice that I have read was to RUN from these people…They are ego centric monsters who will do nothing short of dragging you down while using your energy to fill their own emotional needs. Thank you for the great response!

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Carrie Reimer April 10, 2014

Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
Another good one from Kim about No Contact. I had to laugh because it was so accurate. The last time JC “apologized” professed his love and promised to change I asked him, “You have said it all before, why should I believe you this time?” and he said, “Well, this time I mean it.” yeah…….right. When I turned him down then it was my own fault he hurt me all those years and he said “Well it is your own fault I hurt you, you kept taking me back.” THAT was the most honest he had ever been.

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    johntvares July 19, 2014

    Mine left me and when I asked her, no begged her not to, I reminded her of how many times I took her back and how many times she begged me. Her answer to me was, that’s your fault. You should have left me.

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      Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

      A common reply…

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bethbyrnes April 10, 2014

Could have been a page out of my own book. All but the flowers, lol. Thank you for this confirmation, Kim.

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    Erika Zipay April 22, 2014

    Beth, I know right !
    It still shocks me when I read these posts and how accurate they are to exactly what my own experience was, even down to the quotes and what they might say. It is kinda freaky how soo many “N” can be the same without being taught this stuff. Mine was without the flowers and gifts tooo, hahahaha the flowers only came in the beginning when he pretended to be loving and nice.

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      Crest June 16, 2014

      Erika, maybe they all went to same school? LOL!

      Reply
      Cjs July 20, 2014

      Lol it’s too creepy isn’t it? I could find the humor in it if it weren’t also so sad.

      Reply
daveyone1 April 10, 2014

Reblogged this on World4Justice : NOW! Lobby Forum..

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Mimi Pollier April 10, 2014

Hi Kim:
I have the opposite he goes no contact/silent treatment.. i have not contacted him its just too painful to hear about the ow over and over.. Do you really believe they make the final break with no contact or Hoovering??? How do you really know if it is the Final Silent Treatment?? These N’s are so unstable and horrible… but i have given him what he wants no contact. And it is not easy.. Please advice and thank you Mimi

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    jamiev42 April 10, 2014

    The same for me, when he dropped me completely he stopped acknowledging my existence. Looked right through me like a ghost as I stood there with the police I had to call to be allowed to collect my things. It’s been over a year. He’s even refused to acknowledge my existence in such a way that has been a detriment to his business (I was his 24/7 assistant for years). I am wondering the exact same thing as you.

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      Kim Saeed April 10, 2014

      Jamie and Mimi,

      When the Narcissist does this, it’s an extreme form of devalue and discard. The main purpose is to make it seem as though you never existed to them; as though you’re not even worth acknowledging.

      Although it can be very painful at first when they do this, you have to get to a place where you detach yourself from whatever opinion they have or pretend to have about you. When you think of it, in a world of billions, their juvenile opinions shouldn’t really matter. I had to get to a point where I realized what really mattered was what I thought about myself…not what my Ex thought about me.

      Even if they think you are smart, pretty, etc., they will NEVER let on…it’s all about making you feel worthless, and it’s just a game…

      Reply
      johntvaresj July 19, 2014

      I was married to mine for 22 years, dated her for 2 before that, so a total of 24 years. When she Devalued me and Discarded me almost 10 years ago, she never looked back. We haven’t spoken in 7 years and we have 2 daughters together. In her mind I never existed. It’s scary to think I was married to this monster for so long and never knew this about her. The Devalue and Discard are the most brutal aspect of living with the narc. I wanted out so many times, she begged me not to. The last time I said I was leaving, I had had enough. She begged me again not to leave. We saw a therapist and the therapist talked me into staying in the relationship and to throw myself back into it. The narc really loved me according to the therapist. Turns out all the narc wanted was to get herself a new supply, get her financial affairs in order, then throw me out. They are sick people.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

        I’m sorry you went through that, John. Honestly, I’ve never heard of a happy ending after going to “therapy” with a Narcissist. Not one. I don’t recommend it to anyone.

        I hope you can find a way to move past what happened to you and find happiness.

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tiredofliars8 April 10, 2014

Why oh why didn’t I have this all the years my ex Narc hoovered me. I also regret not knowing about NPD then. When my Narc would go into silent treatment I would go no contact and I wouldn’t break. I guess deep down I wanted away from the insidious madness. My Narc would inevitably start the hoover. I want to add in support of your post that my Narc actually would say I miss your energy, noone cares about me like you do, noone understands me like you (I can actually be myself since you accept it) He would also go into a new idealization phase which would actually last a pretty long time. (once for 3 years) I think the more they sense you want out, the higher they up the ante. Mine came through with vacations, expensive gifts, sincere declarations of “seeing the light” and knowing I was his true love and threw in tears to top it all off. Even his former gf’s (harem members still under his power) had me convinced he truly loved me since they were never treated like that. Since I felt out of control in love with him and he was saying everything I ever wanted to hear I would break. I thank God I had the sense at the end to know there was something radically wrong with someone who would sabotage a relationship for no reason and then go into silent treatment. Post break up I started to research and found NPD and he fit all the criteria. He would refuse to let me go and somehow find someone else to blame for his behavior ie work, kids, exes. Understanding NPD makes all the difference in the world as I might have fallen for his hoovers eventually since he still tries here and there even though its been 4 years. Thanks for putting out there so clearly.

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    Ruth Whetsel July 1, 2014

    Thank you, Veronica, for your post. Ruth

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    Anonymous August 1, 2014

    I am in no win position:My bro(N&Filthy Rich but cheap)took last of my money plunging me further into poverty.He has been enmeshed w/Now estranged hubby as bro bullied me my entire childhood TIL he was kicked out for attacking my Dad.He/Sister/Bio daughter/This hubby all on it..It got very bad with NC order.I ended up getting bullied by both bro/hubby..hubby tried numerous ways to kill me and he knows I’m not experienced but married to PTSD Hubby Marine before I had 15 mos in my life of awesome therapy w/Bard.WOW.Really.Men R not n’s??I have been denied legal help.And nobody wants to get involved really as it’s gone on for decades but escalated past mos when I stupidly put n/c on him to stop the madness..VM’s..I ended up engaging,sucked in.Seems now that I’m a”problem with money In “Phoney Trust”..Nobody have me “gifts,money!!And Lawyer who did this w/bro was ENTHRALLED w/him and she knew my childhood,My grief at losing last good family member and VBF..Yes.Clear to me it’s planned for my demise and to make it look as suicide as I do speak re:Heavenly relief and Happy I’m going to someday(But I never had LIFE!!)As over 10 yrs I suffered from Panic/Agoraphobia attacks as teen and it contributed to losing my daughter adopted by Mom yet she was partial to older bully bro..but later in life told me how he/sis HATED ME.JEALOUS Of me all my life.Daughter poisoned by many as she’s in tight w/Bro,my estranged hubby.Its bad b movie I see no end to as all know I’m desperate to live in my hometown..I have not wanted to stay in this rundown house and hubby knows(charmer)neighbors2..My first cell I saved and bought as nobody but strangers told me I needed one and I knew it too.With all the cleverness,and they are smart!!,Ihave meltdowns,RAGE at my invisible innerchild has taken enough.All I need is one good soul to help and It’s in my hometown they know me still not everyone has died!!!!It feels weird and not true if I even meet men who may be w/Spouses..and they at gently telling me how some gadget works..etc.I grew up in prominent family in which my own Mother said U won’t receive any legal help..yet She was intuitive as me but more.ANY HELP OUT THERE?I now TRUST fewer people..

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      Jan September 18, 2016

      I hope you are safe and have gotten help. I am in similar situation. Multiple psychopaths. Yes, try to drive YOU to your demise. Be strong.

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Phill Ferreira April 10, 2014

Reblogged this on The Story of my Twin Boys , Oliver and Oscar Ferreira and commented:
Thanks for a great article again Kim 🙂

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    Kim Saeed April 10, 2014

    😀 and a million thanks to you for the re-blog!

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      Phill Ferreira April 11, 2014

      🙂

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      Veronica June 26, 2014

      Dear Kim,
      My good husband died 3 1/2 years ago. We were married for 20 years. A wonderful 20 years. A year after his death I met my N….a very successful lawyer. Twice divorced. He had recently ended a 6 year relationship…living with a woman he was engaged to. He had all kinds of reasons why these marriages and his engagement ended. He moved quickly, telling me, he loved me, he wanted to marry me, he waited his whole life for me…he would never leave me, I would never leave him, I was the best sex he had ever experienced, I was the only person who kept him calm.etc.,etc., etc…(Things my good husband had told me for years) I believed it all. I thanked God daily for saving me from the painful loneliness. After about 6 months the boom fell. Everyone knows the rest of the story. Pain, pain and more pain.
      He and I are both mature accomplished adults who live in a big city. I am very involved with social and community affairs. I run a very successful business. There are no drugs, alcohol or money issues with either one of us. The clues I ignored, he has no male friends. When he refers to friends they are women. The men are always acquaintances…through all his relationships he told me he was never in love..big red flag. And finally, I witnessed extreme temper flares for no reason…just a minor slight his way.
      In my entire life including today I have had no problem attracting men… good men. I would never be described as naive. And yet I fell hook, line and sinker for this N. He goes from woman to woman(and told me about it)…looking for the right woman to marry. Until recently I blamed ME for not being a good enough woman to hang on to him. I’m lucky to have many friends…male and female..who told me on a regular basis, there were no problems with your relationship. No one was married, compatibility was no problem. He hurts you for no reason and you take it! Get over/away from him. He is evil! No good man treats a woman that way.
      Although I initiated NC before I understood what a N is capable of… I thank you from the bottom of my being for helping me understand the why of it all. And explaining why NC is the only way out. I lost ME somewhere for a while… you guided me to find ME again.
      I discovered Narcissists in the last two months… now I am on a quest to learn all I can about these sick nasty individuals. I have no need to speak with him again. Pointless. On the other hand if he lived next door and I witnessed his behavior up close…it can never hurt me again. I’m on to him! Btw, these N’s are all over the place…we just need to be aware and protect ourselves.
      If I end up living the rest of my life alone so be it…the alternative is not always worth it….but I hope I find someone to spend my days with… time will tell.
      You are amazing! Thank you again.

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