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Does the narcissist miss me

Does the Narcissist Miss You After No Contact?

Multitudes of people who’ve implemented No Contact with their Narcissistic partner will inevitably ask the question, Does the Narcissist miss me?

Why?  Because they are often consumed with missing the Narcissist, and they wonder if he or she has the same feelings of loss and sorrow…perhaps wondering if there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship.

The short–yet excruciating–answer is no.  When we wonder if (or assume that) the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our feelings of loss and longing onto them.  Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions.  They cannot form bonds with other people, so the usual emotions of missing someone or feelings of sadness and regret typically don’t affect them.

Below are the most common stages (emotional and physical) a Narcissist goes through when one has implemented No Contact (**These are not listed in order of rank.   These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual).

1)       Anger – When you’ve implemented No Contact with a Narcissist, the first emotion they feel is anger at your attempt to set a boundary.  They’ve grown so accustomed to having you under their control that they become indignant when you choose to have an independent thought and act on it.

During the relationship, you became an extension of them, so when you begin to break away and reclaim your conscious thought process they typically go into a rage, although this isn’t always obvious.  Oftentimes they’ll conceal the rage in order to fulfill their devastating revenge motives.

2)      Silent Treatment – In the Narcissist’s mind, you are still their property and they believe it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses.  Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment.  

This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them.  Then, when the victim doesn’t receive any form of contact from the Narcissist, they begin to think the break-up may possibly have been their fault, after all.

In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message.  Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the Narcissist then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them.

3)      Hoovering – Hoovering presents in many forms.  Mostly, it’s the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because they’ve had a “life-changing” epiphany where, through some kind of divine intervention, they’ve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change.

Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist:

Scenario:  The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later.   You crack the door and he tells you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else.  He manages to squeeze out a tear or two and admits that he hasn’t been perfect, but he is willing to try to change for the sake of the relationship.

Your internal dialogue:  “He must really care about me.  He’s finally seen the error of his ways, and he’s obviously sorry for the way he treated me all this time.  Thank goodness.  This is great!  I forgive him and love him more than ever.”  You open the door and throw your arms around him.

His internal dialogue:  “Damn.  Those flowers were friggin’ expensive.  Why am I doing all this hard work?  Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such.  I guess I’m getting off pretty cheaply here.  I can’t believe she’s falling for this…again.  But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing.”  He forces a smile and returns the hug, which doesn’t seem as genuine as yours.

4)       The “Torn” Lover – He’s already shacked up with a new mistress, whom he says he just met, but in reality has been seeing for the past few months behind your back.  He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he defenselessly fell into the arms of a new lover.  But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work.

The scoop:  What’s happened is he found out that the new lover doesn’t have as much money as he thought, can’t support him, and/or gave him a little lip when he tried to test the boundary-breaking waters.

Or, maybe he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.

Whenever a “new” lover enters the scene, don’t fall for his “torn between two lovers” act.  You are being played and triangulated and should consider going full-out No Contact.

5)      Jekyll and Hyde:  If he’s really sociopathic, once you fall for the feigned remorse and let him in, he immediately drops the mask and makes you pay for implementing No Contact.  This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical.  If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity.  There’s only more to come.

What the Narcissist Really Misses

  • Someone take complete care of them; the “special treatment”.
  • Not being able to be themselves.  They can’t do that with new supply.
  • Not having someone to take their frustrations out on.
  • Having someone to mop off their stage, all while paying the bills.
  • Having an adoring, compliant partner.
  • Being “God”.
  • Not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with missing you, and everything to do with the Narcissist.  It’s all about their ego, entitlement, and having control.  These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.

When you implement No Contact, it’s the ultimate form of Narcissistic injury, and they will do whatever is necessary to gain back control, and then devalue and discard you.  That’s why implementing No Contact in its true form is critical when detaching from a toxic, emotionally abusive partner.  Remember those points of entry from #2?  Don’t leave them open.  You will only regret it in the end…every. single. time.

Prefer video?  Watch the mini-movie here.

Copyright © 2017  Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach.  All Rights Reserved

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343 comments
claire says July 12, 2018

To go into the last 4 years of my life is just to depressing for anyone let alone myself so to cut it short its like this… I am married to a narcissist. He has treated me and my children like dirt with no love or respect for anyone other than himself. He has ruined our lives taking everything he could and leaving us with nothing, literally. I have recently had our second child whom he hasn’t even seen because he had a violent and abusive episode when I was 5 days overdue and I told him to get his stuff and leave. We are now being given the so called silent treatment as per. I have no come to my senses
4 years. I only pity the next poor woman he sets his sights on. My conclusion of a narcissist is it is simply a fancy word for a massive c*#t.

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Cathope says May 14, 2018

I have really learned a lot reading the blogs, I was a very naive female who I guess did not believe in people being so evil. I had been married previously and he was an alcoholic. I had walked away from that relationship feeling like a failure, to some degree looking back he was a narcissist but he had not actually beat me just verbal.

that being said, I took a job that I traveled and would be at the new location for several weeks. I had gone to a different state, and stopped to fuel and get something to drink. I met my second husband, he was the charmer now I know he saw the out of state license plate, no wedding ring and gave it a shot. I was easily impressed. He was intelligent, treated me like a queen. He was clean, didn’t smoke and didn’t drink or at first around me he didn’t. Right away, I moved in with him and seemed great,

Then about 3 months went by before the first “fight”, which of course I had no clue what he was talking about and I got called every name in the book, at first our “argument” which I always said just went around in circles, there was never a solution so he would yell at me for hours usually all night, on one occasion we had not reached a solution and he made me call in sick and I got the full forearm slap knocking me down because I had sniffled on the phone.

I tried to leave a few times but somehow he always knew, he would twist things and say he was just going to leave, and I would never hear from him again. Not know if he was ok, or lying on the road somewhere dead. Played on my sympathies, and then I would get beat because I had entertained the thought of leaving. He was so manipulative. I finally had to make myself stay in a normal routine, I even kept thinking “brick wall” trying to block any way he could know what I was thinking. It was so hard. My job knew something was wrong at home and tried to get me to seek help, I was scared. He had promised to kill me and my family if I ever left. on a sunday we went fishing, of course I am so stupid cant do anything right, get yelled at and slapped knocking me down hands or elbow against the neck back against the vehicle. He threatened to kill me and throw me in the lake where no one would ever find me. I was terrified. I believe he could have done that. Next day, I told my boss if I don’t leave now, I will talk myself out of it. Of course my husband had apologized and told me he was proud of me…… but I was scared, he was escalating out “fights” were daily, he would keep me on the phone all the way to work which was about an hour drive, and all the way home that way he knew exactly where I was and alienated me so I could not talk to any one else. I left work that evening, he worked nights and I talked to him on the phone like always, trying not to let on I was packing my car and I left. about 100 miles out I threw my phone out the window because I could not find a way to remove the sims card and he had told me he had ways of tracking my phone.

I am over a year out, finally divorced and I am still afraid of him. My hope is that he had already found his next victim and moved on without a second thought to me. The triggers are not as bad, nightmares are not as bad. sometimes I fear that he does “remember” me and come after me. I have to keep telling myself that nothing was real. He had no feelings for me, and even today I fight myself because I thought I loved him, and honestly believed no one could be so evil. I tell “him” in the wind, “good-bye” quite a few times wanting closure and move on not have the triggers, the fear that he could be lurking in the shadows just to kill me. But then I realize I am not his “supply” any more and why would he give me a second thought.

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Joan says May 7, 2018

Oh, my gosh, this sounds just like the nutter I’ve been with for the past year and a half, and engaged to, who also demanded the ring back, and who’s also a grotesque hoarder, cheater, and woman-beater. I have to admit that even though I’ve been put through the wringer, I’m fascinated by male narcissists’ combination of utter repulsiveness and ability to attract and retain women. Or, well, attract them, anyway. Okay, not really attract them… Mine is indignant that I finally referred to him as a “fat, ugly piece of shit”, to which my rejoinder was, “That wasn’t what I meant to say. I actually think you’re a fat, ugly, soulless, slovenly, misshapen, unintelligent but pedantic, old, stingy, foul-smelling piece of shit with two entirely separate tufts of hair on his head who for some ungodly reason thinks he could have been a model”. Okay, maybe not my finest hours were spent in this idiot’s company, but it was pretty cathartic to finally “speak my truth”. 😀

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Kate says April 18, 2018

I live with my narcissistic BIL & have been no contact for 6 weeks. He is not aware of his narcissism, that I know of. Unbeknownst to him, we have just entered the third stage, hoovering. He’s been trying to make kind contact for three days now after a bit over 5 weeks of a silent treatment. I of course have not given in & am going to see my no contact out through the end. Does anybody know what happens after the cycle? Does the Jekyll & Hyde morph over into stage one again & the cycle continues? It’s going along surprisingly fast, & that may be because we live together & I’m his primary source to feed off of. This is the most peace I’ve had in 18 months, it feels AMAZING. Cheers & so sorry there are SO MANY of us out there experiencing the same. This disorder is especially sad because of the narcissists inability to see themselves as a narcissist, therefor never seeking treatment. It’s a sad cycle.

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Carolina says March 22, 2018

My husband gives me the silent treatment quite often.
He keeps telling me and texting me over and over all the “ bad things I’ve done to him”
At no moment he has accept his faults and the mistakes and things he has done to me.
He excuses himself of why he has done this or that, but not me for making mistakes.
He now has been saying for the last 2 months, that we’re not s family no more
Not even friends anymore,
Has abandoned me in every way except financially , and tells me “ we are done” and that “ we will not have anymore what we used to”
But still he doesn’t separate from me, he does not divorce me.
He sees me crying and suffering about this, and it hurts to see he might not care.
I’m heartbroken and devastated, tired mentally ….
Just very sad…

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    Yeah I feel you says March 24, 2018

    Carolina you have to try to get out it’s not healthy for you

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Patricia says March 19, 2018

I wish I knew about this before. I was in a relationship for 6 years and then again he came back for 3 more years . Didn’t know my ex-husband was a narcissist !! He dumped me again 2.5 years ago . Married a 25 years younger women 3 month after breaking up with me. I did the no contact for the past 2 years. Its been the most challenging thing in my life, I’m not the same person. I Used to be a top producer independent person with lots of motivation in life. Not any more. I still haven’t recuperate myself. It happens that my mother passed away 2 month ago, he came to her funeral without being invited. I thought it was a nice gesture and thank him. Now he has call me several time, wants to see me , send me text with pictures of us , and new pictures of him in his spectacular fit body! He said I’m a special person , that he cares about me and has not forgotten his promise to help me pay my house! He called me again this weekend to come to my house, I said was working. All of my past emotions are back, confusing me if he is really a bad person or not. I’m reading your articles, trying to find some strenght to get him out of my mind , out of my life and somehow recuperating from this. I need help. How do I cope with this? What can I do to step out of this situation of not being the happy person I used to be?

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    Kim Saeed says March 21, 2018

    Hi Patricia. I am sorry for your struggles and can relate to how difficult it is. If you haven’t already, you may want to try watching my free webinar. You can register here: 7 Proven Strategies to Defeat Narcissistic Abuse

    Wishing you the best!

    Kim

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Empowered says February 5, 2018

I broke up with my ex covert narc recently. It is awful we work at the same job. It took me about 10 months of dating to figure this out. I broke it off did the “we are not incompatible” speech and done. I dated overt narcissist. I thought he was kind and loving it was all Bs. I just received a promotion. I am so worried he is going to sabotage my promotion. He is so cunning and even has his master’s in psychology. I am trying to be a loof and not let his obvious pursuit of more Supply in the Office. Suggestions to Get Through This

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Wendy says January 27, 2018

Well that was exactly what I expected and point on with my N…. I’m not surprised, but always amazed these people exist among us… Two years ago I didn’t even know what a narcissist was, know I could write a book on them!! I just recently got out for the last time…I have finally learned my lesson and it is such a wonderful freeing feeling… .I just dread the stalking that enviably comes after everyone if our break ups … He is an expert at wearing me down, but not this time, I will stay strong if it kills me!!!

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Gary says December 29, 2017

Im a victim. Same woman! twice! Im devastated. It leaves you so demoralized, dehumanized, hurt and alone! Shes an expert at turning everything around! Uses triangulation, threats, rage, violence! Threatens the police on me . yet again! And never ever apologizes or even talk and explain her actions. And her actions are endless! From her rules of which i must follow. Which are so incredibly one sided. To the next instance of her immediate need. I tried so hard to show her a better life! How family could be. How she could be happy in soooo many different ways. She is a hypochondriac, no job, no diploma, lives in a sec, 8 apartment where she dislikes her neighbors. Its so incredibly sad! I see such a good person in her. And just like i see that in her? She talks such a big game but then never does anything. She drinks, smokes alot of pot, goes to the bars, has her circle of friends to get high with. Her whole town knows her. She has made out with a guy in the bar right in front of me and actually said to me? Nobody told you to be here!Or this second time around? After I believed she had changed? In my face rejection in the bedroom! She has stooped to yet another low to deliberately hurt me, use that to make me upset! Then use my being upset against me with a triangle with her pot head friends! This time around? She used her friends against me. Last time around it was her family! The constant non stop mind game! How everything sucks for her! A never ending barrage of her dislike and hatred of other people! The talking behind their backs! Everybody! And i mean everybody! friends, family? I cannot describe to you the feeling of sexual rejection. It happened like out of no where too! We didnt live together. I have a job, and she lives 45 minutes away. She has successfully over the 4 years i have known her to keep everything, family, friends, her life? Completely separate. We havnt any mutual friends, no mutual contact with our family’s? Nothing! So frustrating the effort i put forth for her. The invitations to things with my family. How i tried to be, meet, hang out with her family! NOTHING! That is so messed up an abnormal to me and I believe to any normal relationship. She has pushed me to the point once again where i have no choice but to leave her. And whats so very very sad? Shes unaware or so it seems? Why i can’t take it anymore. My family dislikes her very much! They tried to warn me before i fell for her once again! I cannot go on with her like this. I don’t see how anybody could! I didnt mean a thing to her. Nothing i did mattered to her for her to show me something where she wanted to be a couple. Nothing! ITS COLD! PURE DELIBERATE HATRED! Like a spoiled little kid! With teen age emotions and lifestyle! I love and care for her very much! But there is absolutely nothing about her and her lack of trying for us or genuine careing enough for me to want to continue with her to be a part of my life! I can’t see her ever trying, or even make any kind of recognized subtle effort. Oh what a life i would have had with all that! Right? Her little hissy fits that turn into rage! Her do as she pleases attitude! Her total lack of careing how her actions hurt! and total disregard for being accountable for her undeniable disgusting, inhumane, pathetic life! I hope someone can help me in some small way. Thank you.

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KK says December 27, 2017

I have been married 3 years; most have been unhappy because my husband has N rage, he had a terrible childhood very abusive parents, never gave him the attention he needed, always made him feel less then. He did become a doctor, but is on strong medication for depression, rage, md, by polar and many other personality disorders. He has been depressed most all of his life. He came to me 4 years ago telling me he found a medicine that finally helped.

You are so right the first few months were filled with love, kindness and gifts. I wanted things to slow done but he kept up the game and he seemed so sinciere.

So much has happened in our relationship in a bad way and he always says it me. He has given me the silent treatment for so long he hates all holidays and will never says a word during these wonderful occasions. I was living out of state with him not knowing anyone. I kept my house thank heavens and spent Christmas at my home. He never called nor texted. But now he texted and I am the cause of his unhappiness and he feels dejection and demoralization because he says I blame him for all of our problems. I have never said this but he seems to always put words in my mouth and tells me things I never said nor did.
He has had many outburst of breaking screaming, breaking things and butting my head. I am depend on him for financial reasons because of things he did to me to cause me physical injury so I was not able to work for two years. I am better now, but still need him to send my money until things are different. I have been so hurt and feel horrible kept thinking we could work things out?? I do not think so now?? Sick at heart

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Donna says October 12, 2017

He misses me every bit as much as I miss him. Not. For. A. Second.
He’s busy I’m sure with his nasty dating sites and porn sites. Talking to strange women. Meeting up for God only knows. He’s drinking beer. Lots of beer. He’s fine. And I’m even better.

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    Danielle says February 10, 2018

    Please help me.

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Angela says October 2, 2017

This article was an eye opener. I have been with this older man who is retired who I loved dearly for 4 years. On our 4th anniversary I had to break it off because of his constant lying. He was married when we met and only has a separation agreement with his wife. His wife moved on without him and bought a condo. He has moved out of the house into his own apartment which I helped paint, clean, set up etc. He was very particular in things he wanted for his apartment his income is limited but he still rented an apartment he clearly couldn’t afford. In the past 4 years he lived mostly in my apartment and kept his apartment mostly for his collectibles which are vast. He would come over for dinner spend the night and go back to his apartment the next day to play with his collection. He would never put them in storage. I had to beg for him to help with utilities, food, etc as I am on disability and also have a limited income. We had a lot of good times in the beginning but as the years went on the goods time were few and far between. Every time I discuss a topic he doesn’t want to hear he threatens to leave, and he does quite often sometimes for 1 week, 2 weeks a month and then comes back that he will get a divorce and things will get better. This man was diagnosed with cancer a year ago. I helped in the hospital like I was his wife. This went on a whole year of chemo treatments, operations,sepsis, hospital stays, stem cell transplant, etc. I spend all the hours with him for every procedure. Not his wife, not his 2 adult daughters, not his brother, no one but me helped his through his illness. Now he is in remission. He promised me he would take care of this divorce and finalize it by our 4th anniversary. He promised to not hurt me. He never cared about my feelings. He never cared that I was upset and crying about things. He would just ignore me. He lied constantly. All these years he practically lived with me all he brought over was a change of underwear. I cooked for him and did his laundry and tended to all his personal paper work he didn’t have the attention span to do. He seemed helpless like a little boy. I was his wife and mother and caregiver. On our 4th anniversary he disappointed me again, no divorce. I said to him I knew you were going to do this again and his reply smugly was I guess you know me by now. I was devastated. I ended the relationship. I’m tired of being the doormat. I received no answers to any questions. He never talked about a future. He has ruined special occasions with his lies and disappointments. I guess for him I was only there for the here and now for what I could do for him. It’s been 2 weeks. I am lost and heartbroken and confused like I don’t know what just happened. I am on disability for panic disorder and anxiety and this is not making it any better. Part of me still misses him terribly. We had the potential for a great relationship but he made it impossible. Please give me some advice. Reading your article I believe he was a Narcissist. Any input would be appreciated. It’s been very hard for me to get through this. Thank you.

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S says September 29, 2017

This is massively helpful. I’ve been doing ‘no contact’ with him and he’s doing the hoovering now. Not gonna reply. I want no part in his game.

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Erik says September 20, 2017

Im wondering what the patterns are for women narcissists. Every site i find seems to assume that only men have this condition. I am 24 year old (m) and i met my ex gf [34 year old (f)] at work. She is a doctor and my company designed the luxury condos that she moved into. She asked me out..things were great and moved very quickly. within 4 months we had each others names tattooed and had moved in together. Within days of moving in the entire dynamic of the relationship changed. we both work about 50 hours a week but her job seemed to take precedence: aka SHE had a long day, SHE was tired, No one can relate to her job….as if it wasnt possible for anyone else to have hard days at work. due to this attitude, the relationship shifted to me doing house work. she would have a long day so id pour her wine, id walk the dogs, id do the dishes, id do the laundry. this gradually turned into fights should the chores not be done. Her house was to be kept spotless at all times (almost as if it were a meauseam). She eventually kicked me out over a lack of doing chores/me standing up saying that her demands were unreasonable. I came back. the parttern continued, she kicked me out 4 times in the 5 weeks that I lived there. She often kicked me out at times where she had been drink (i had also been drinking at these times, so im sure my actions/attitudes werent up to usual par). When she kicked me out it was always black and white..as in: she would call me a broke loser and tell me she hates me…the next day shes sorry and she loves me. She would threaten to throw away or break all my items in the house. threaten to call the cops….there were even times she threw me out…then the next morning she would be mad at me for leaving. There was one ugly blowout where she cussed me out in a casino lobby, i then left, she then ran up to my parents room and cussed them out at full volume about what a disrespectful loser they raised. eventually my dad shoved her out of the room, which in her mind became “he strangled me” and she threatened to call cops…..i dont know if she has bpd or npd…i just no im 3 days into a breakup, and im wondering what craziness to expect…

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    Kim Saeed says September 25, 2017

    Hi Erik,

    Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your experience. I am sorry to learn of your struggles. Many people feel the same way you do, and I can relate to how difficult it is.

    Okay so, wondering what kind of crazy to expect? More of the same and then some. Your best bet would be to go extreme No Contact and call the cops if necessary to obtain a restraining order. I’ve worked with many male clients with exes like yours and it will be a fast downward spiral unless you get things under control as quickly as possible.

    By the way, it doesn’t matter whether she has npd or bpd. She’s unstable and emotionally unavailable. She will turn your life into Hell on earth if she isn’t stopped.

    I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s the truth.

    Wishing you the best…

    Kim

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    A says January 9, 2018

    Im not a psychology expert and Im sure Kim answered ur question best but it sounds like shes more likely bpd and that would be ur best bet for ur investigation. Men usually have a tendency to fall under the npd criteria where women usually are more under the bpd area, hence the lack of information on women who have npd. Tho not always the case (some women npd some men bpd). But from what ur saying in ur message seems like a clear cut case of a woman with bpd. The whole driving you out then running back to you. The extreme acts of violence. Belittling you. Clearly unstable relationships. Theres a lot that goes into diagnosing someone with full blown bpd. Im sure she has some form of npd but im more sure shes a bpd.

    https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9670.php

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Holly Underwood-Annen says September 14, 2017

My soon to be exhusband has done just about all of these steps. I would love to go absolutely no contact, however, we have two small children together and they love him (as they should). Living seperately and having a court order that he is not allowed on my property (and vice versus) has helped immensely. Not being able to keep my phone number from him is what keeps peace from my life. The fact that I handled 95% of the responsibilities in our life together has him flailing, and I’m the horrible one if I don’t help him figure things out. Hopefully soon (especially once the divorce is finalized) less contact will be possible. Unfortunately, the state I live in leans toward 50/50 custody. In my mind he has done more than enough to provide cause for me to get far more than 50% custody.

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Demi says September 12, 2017

What happens after ‘The Torn Lover’? I never made the choice that led to ‘Jekyll and Hyde’, so what happens next???

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    Kim Saeed says September 13, 2017

    Hi Demi, I’ve never seen a happy ending for anyone on the receiving end of “Torn Lover”. If you choose to stay, expect more of the same and for the manipulations to worsen over time.

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Holly says August 10, 2017

Patricia,
I was with a narcissist for 8 months. He was living with his ex girlfriend when he began pursuing me. However, we worked together closely and were friends for a year so I thought I knew this man. He was 20 years younger than me. I was extremely flattered and attracted to him. He told me lies about his ex being crazy psycho etc. In the beginning, while showering me with love, I later learned I was a secret the whole time throughout our relationship. He told everyone he knew I was just his coworker including his ex. I met his friends on only one occasion during the 8 months at his birthday party and he introduced me by my first name only. No, “This is my girlfriend.” I only met his sister one time. Although I continued to give him deadlines with which to include me, it never happened. All broken promises while he continued to tear away at my self-esteem. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I was on a constant roller coaster of emotions and he took no responsibility. He wouldn’t allow me to ever be on his social media. He constantly lied. One time I saw him from across the room on his cell phone (which he took everywhere with him). I watched him from above a balcony for some time and then made my entrance. When I came back to the table, I said, “were you on your cell phone?” He said “no.” That should’ve been it. Or maybe the time he had anal intercourse with me without asking and then denied it.
The problem I continued to have in my brain was that we were friends for a long time and co-workers. I couldn’t fathom why I was being treated this way. Finally, he broke up with me. I was completely devastated and vulnerable. He had sex with me in this emotional state, then got up, told me to stop crying so he could leave and wanted to be friends. The following day I put two and two together. He had been pursuing another coworker for months prior to breaking up with me. All the signs were there. The two were happy and running around together in front of everyone two days after our break up. People were astonished to learn we were in a relationship. Here he was flaunting his new girl around the office, taking her home, picking her up, she was all over his social media; things I was never allowed to do. 5 weeks after our break up I found out I was pregnant. The only contact I had with him was sending him medical documentation. I didn’t hear back for two weeks. He blocked all forms of communication with me. In the email he wrote this was an alleged pregnancy and he is the alleged father. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with me in any way, shape or form and did not care what decisions I made in regards to any baby I might have. He said the next time we’d speak was in court. I miscarried a month later. Everything about him makes sense now; thanks to your articles. For me, being a strong, confident, independent woman at the beginning to becoming this meek, sensitive, insecure person who didn’t stand up for herself was devastating and still is. I have to see him everyday. The sad part is; although people know what happened, he is highly regarded at work. An excellent role model and was even promoted. I end up being the one treated differently as though I was the only one in the relationship.

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Anonymous says July 7, 2017

Nope… period

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I feel like he would find this if I put my name says June 3, 2017

My ex… going on, like 12 years now… was my first love. He was 12 years my senior and he was exactly what I needed for the person that I was then. I guess I didn’t realize the hard work he went through to win me over, was really a trap.

Anyway, I write because he has come back, or maybe he was never fully gone. He has checked my Linkedin a few times and finally figured out how to put it in private mode. I suspect it is him since he is still on my top people to add list and we do not work in the same field at all, and at least once a month I have a private viewer.

He recently told a mutual friend that he would like to go on a double date with my husband and I, with his wife (whom he left me for) and him. I can’t talk to anyone about it, because it’s just so utterly ridiculous to friends and family that it’s basically a nonsubject. I wish he were different, I wish we could be friends, but he is not a friend and I know that. The more time that goes by, the more the pain subsides, and I try to change my memories to make it possible to talk.

Reading this post was fairly dejecting; he meant the world to me and I likely did not mean a thing to him. I am not 100% sure I buy that; my replacement looks like me, has similar body peircings, changed her body tone to match mine, even changed up her hair color to match my natural color. I am starting to argue with this article in my head, thinking of all the ways it has to be wrong, but I guess the main point is, why does it even matter?

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belle says March 29, 2017

My N husband blocked me because of the N injury I caused him. In turn, I went all NC on him. I changed my number and email address.

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Priscilla McAtee says March 16, 2017

Hello Kim. Im Priscilla. I hve a question. Pls tell me how does a Narcissist man treat his mother? I want to kno if he will torture his mother and emotionally abuse her in the same way as he would to his wife? Can the narcissist family help heal him? Will his familiy members also have narcissist tendencies?

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    Kim Saeed says May 29, 2017

    Hi Priscilla. While narcissists share many of the same behaviors and traits, they are still individuals with their own personalities and motives. Not all narcissists treat their mothers exactly the same. What I can tell you for sure, however, is that my Ex treated his mother horribly. He’d shout at her and call her a bitch. Once, he upset her so badly, she wound up in the hospital with chest pains and was monitored for a heart attack.

    No, the narcissist’s family cannot heal them. In fact, it’s quite possible one of his parents is a narcissist because children who grow up with a narcissistic parent typically grow up to develop either narcissism or codependency. Luckily, those who develop codependent traits can be helped, whereas those who develop narcissism cannot, because in order for them to be helped,they must want to be helped. Personally, I’ve not seen a case where a narcissist was helped in any meaningful way, but they sure to pretend to want help in order to further manipulate people.

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    Anonymous says July 8, 2017

    My husband treated his mother very well. When she chose to have a DNR order for her next impending cardiac event while hospitalized he was furious about her choice and inability to control her decision. He was enraged to the extreme.

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Mel says February 11, 2017

No contact or not they will be back. They cannot help themselves. Their skin must be as thick as a rhinos because no matter what you say about them or no matter how much you tell them what they are they will still return. Nutters absolutely.Crazy, crazy, crazy. Get away from them they will never change. Melx

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    Sue says February 16, 2017

    2 months of NO CONTACT. At times it is really, really hard but I know I need to prevail to get ME back. Already Family and Friends noticed a big difference. 3 months after he proposed he cheated. I was a wreck. He loved to watch me suffer. Then came the rage of anger when i woke up from being in a coma for 10 years. His rage was using my fears and secrets against me – from “he should have left me for Jennifer”, the yelling in my own backyard that i was crazy and always accusing him of being a cheater when he is a honorable man, I have Daddy issues, I have trust issues (DUH), telling me when i asked about his cheating – “Don’t worry about it, I only Love you, It’s what I do and who we are. WTF. He did the no contact for almost 2 weeks what was perfect for me to bake & come out of the coma and see him for who he really was. I was also fortunate to re-acquaint myself with friends that he told I did not like to hang out with them. All of my instincts were right and I did not trust them. He has been manipulating you for years, yes, he had a girlfriend with a girlfriend, and who knows how many in between. He actually asked for the ring back – I did now want it and knew there was no intent of marriage. Oh and YES he is a HOARDER. He told me he was cleaning up his home for me for years. I suprised him and went over to his house unannounced. Well, now i know he never took the women there – LOL. It’s such a recovery process. Thank goodness for my years of journals, a good counseler, loving family and friends. i have plenty more to say. Stay strong. Believe in Yourself. Excuse any misspelled words.

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      Charmaine Jennings says March 27, 2017

      Had a little chuckle over your narc asking for your ring back…..mine did the same thing and then had it “redone” for his current victim! Ahhhh, they are all alike. I did take all my other jewelry he gave me over the 12 1/2 years and sold it all for vacation money. I certainly got the best end of that deal! You will too!!

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        Anonymous says December 16, 2017

        Mine asked for his pawnshop ring back, and his Walmart bridal set back, I said you cheated on me, there for you broke the engagement. If you want them back take me to court, and I’ve talked to your mistress name_____ address______. She will also be there. Under the law he didn’t have a leg to stand on. I just did it so he couldn’t give it to someone else. S.M.H. POS…

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      Anonymous says December 15, 2017

      Thank you, you told my story, with some differences, my narc. cheated 6 weeks after buying me bridal set, that I was given Christmas morning. I didn’t catch on till March. That affair ran about 18 mo. I left him he came back. That pattern repeated itself. His x wife told me I was not crazy, there will always be a woman in the background, there always was in some form that I was not allowed to meet. I’m still trying to escape… He just never goes away. I’ll get 6 mo. 2 mo. He always has a new woman in tow. I’m the B.B.D. i can tell when he is lieing, his lips are moving……
      He is a covert narcissist. The most sneaky of them all, he mimics his prey, I always see the residual of his woman the change in his manorisms, the last one tried hard to change him, she was doing good. He had his face out of his cell phone, left his phone in the car while out for dinner lol. Cause he was afraid I would text in her presence. All a game. He played her, just like he played me. They are a piece of work….. Manipulating, controling p.o.s. great he just texted me, guess my 3 day silent treatment is up……. 🙁

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    Stacey says February 19, 2017

    He left me. How do you know he’ll be back?

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      anon says March 13, 2017

      They leave and they show up again in the most random time. Happened to me four times. Stand your ground, don’t open the door, block him in all social media sites, emails, etc.

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      Anonymous says December 15, 2017

      The final discard has to be yours, they never go away. Always lurking about. My narc. Still has strings on his x wife, who comes for visits 4x a year for up to a month at a time. His X girlfriend is still in touch 7 years later, he still looks for his other X and he still looks on FB for every woman he has cheated on me with. He falls asleep, I grab his phone… I won’t have sex with him, I guess we are some sort of friend now. What ever….. He has had group b strep endococcus or something in his penis, herpies, caught MRSA, scabies, and came home with bed bugs… Not my home thank God. No clue what else… I won’t touch his skanky ass. It’s not over by a long shot. I’ve looked into a restraining order, it’s $80.00. He will be back… You should count your blessings if he does not… I could go on for hours on the subtle abuse I’ve been put through…. Run…run…run…
      ……….Happy Holidays……..

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    Jazz says April 5, 2018

    I got discarded by my narc (i think he is one anyway) but he gradually went ghost over a period of time as with no explanation although i was not his main supply when i would text him he would be silent not respond until like 3 weeks ago then i found out a bunch of his secrets and sent a raging text how he lied, mislead me blah blah blah, i even threw in how he was unattractive and fat and had a small penis…well i am wondering after all that and what i have read here do i have to worry about him hoovering??? I really don’t see why he would after that, but from what i have ready kinda makes me wonder…

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Silly Salley says August 25, 2016

I’ve been in bad relationships many times that I don’t trust anyone. But when the N entered my life it was at the worst part of my life. I was vulnerable. But on guard. I needed him but wasn’t gonna to let him control me. He was living with his problematic gf. Long story short. He discarded her and even tried to use her while we were seeing each other. He Made it seem like that was over. I quickly realized he still held on to her. Even though she kicked him out. I’m very skeptical. I knew he was cheating and it was very obvious. We were off more than on in this relationship. I wasn’t a good supply. My radar went off most the time i was with him. I didn’t understand the goal involved. I read up on his behavior and realized what he was. I’m a very independent women and eventually discarded him before he got real bad. I knew almost 90% of the time he was still pursuing his so caked ex. I never confronted him knowing he’d only lie. At first i thought this girl dumped him. But on her Facebook i saw that she was hold a torch for him. Even though he betrayed her. I didn’t get that. She had pictures of him and her dating back the entire time i was seeing him. I thought this girl was strong and seen that it didn’t matter to her. We broke up for good. 3-4 months later they bought a house together. I have too much pride in myself to move that quickly. He never paid rent to anyone. (Even rent to anywhere he’s stayed) and she knew it. Yet they bought a house together. I lost faith in my own gender. She’s not young and should know better. He totally snowed her. I felt good discarding him only to have this older women take him in so quickly. Something i do very cautiously. I have a lot of boundaries that makes any N run to hills. He didn’t realize i was much smarter than he thought.

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    Yvette Lopez says January 30, 2017

    Bravo Sister! One for the good guys!
    I needed to hear your story! It bring hope to a hopeless situation.
    6 weeks ago My Narc suddenly died in my arms.
    I’m ashamed to say this…but this is just another mess he left for me to clean up alone.
    Anger
    Deep Sadness
    Betrayed
    Loneliness
    Heartbroken

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Kristi Ambrose says July 11, 2016

My covert narc ex is leaving me alone. But, I know why. For two reasons. First off, she thinks that my abandonment issues (thanks to her!!!!) are so bad that her ignoring me will make me talk to her. Meanwhile I’m the one that is doing the no contact rule lol. Second off, she’s coming up with a new plan of action. Meanwhile, I am like praying to God and thanking him that she’s leaving me alone lol. Oh you want to ignore me after I broke up with you and while I am ignoring you? Good riddance. Coverts might not be pinned as overly intelligent, but man, they are cunning.

It’s sad she is a covert narc or a narc at all. Its sad I let her put me through all sorts of crap. Its sad that I wasted 4 years of my life. Its sad that I didn’t stay away the first time I broke up with her. But, what I find even sadder, is that there are so many people that have relationships with people like that. I mean really? When you guys first had these crazy things done to you by this person, you either thought they had “issues” or it was you. I know that’s what I thought. But, after doing tons of research, I realized just how many of them there are out there, and just how many of us there are in here.

It’s crazy. Talk about a pandemic. I mean Jesus. I just want to say, that even though this blog is old-ish, that if you are going through this and you are even a tad more sane than they are, eventually you will move on. You WILL get sick of it. You WILL gain strength. Something WILL change you. I know for me, it was 4 1/2 years of crap from her. And then added on to that the first break up. It was just a waiting game before my heart finally shut up and my head took over. So if you feel stuck, if you feel stupid, if you feel hurt – like I was, don’t give up. I think we all have those moments of clarity where it doesn’t matter who knows this is all so wrong (parents, siblings, family, etc that know what is going on and don’t approve of you staying), it has to be US that really decides when enough is enough. There IS a breaking point. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer than others lol.

Also, not to take over Kim’s blog, I know she has her own products, but this video kind of woke me up too: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WVLZXLyO-M I was watching it and going, omg, omg that IS her!!! She does that, she’s like that, she told me that, etc etc etc. Kim, I think somewhere on this website you may have mentioned this guy Richard. I think it was you lol. I visited so many blogs and articles and videos and websites over the past 2 years I lost count. My apologies if it was not you.

Anyway, GO watch that video. YOU are not crazy. Its not YOU. Its them!!! I mean I was already at my “almost breaking point.” Then I watched that and it was like the epiphany I needed. Really woke my @$$ up!!!

No need to reply or anything. I’m not even sure this is going to go through since its a 2 year old blog post haha. But, that was kind of cathartic for me. So even if it doesn’t, that’s okay :o)

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    Melissa says September 29, 2016

    Heard you loud and clear in 2016… bravo I was with a guy who really messed me up so I understand.
    Melissa

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    Clare Evans says September 30, 2016

    Wow all of this is really helpful.
    I’ve just been discarded recently and badly ending with him throwing me around his house, kicking & choking me & throwing me on the street, some belongings and all for the neighbours to see. The police let him off and said he declared self defence!! What’s worse is that I now realise the whole relationship was fake and he played me all the way. I’ve lost friends through him, and now have no job, home or basically life. Actually I do have a new life, well I’m trying, the pain is unbearable sometimes and getting through a day is struggling. But I know I’m better without him. I want revenge but that’s not possible…no contact is closure…unbearable sometimes….he’s lost nothing, probably gained more due to his high cocky confidence, people love him on first impressions, my friends actually disliked him! But his circle seem to adore him…he is a monster, he doesn’t hide the fact he has no empathy, but showers gifts on people, talks all about him, flares up for a few mins nastily and then is charming as f**k after & he gets away with it. As you can tell anger has hit me know after 2 months of just crying.
    It’s getting better day by day, I’m not working, but doing stuff that I enjoy like the garden. I’m trying to like myself more because even though he destroyed me I want to grow so much more now I’m just ashamed it took him to make this happen.

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      Anonymous says November 29, 2016

      I’m so sorry for you clare.. I am going through the same thing at the moment .. 5 years of his coming and going and promising me the earth.. only to turn back into the man underneath the mask . I ran a business with him but have walked away .. he also lost nothing . All I can say is thank god I cancelled our wedding in September. . The red flags were too huge to disregard .. I really wish you love and all the good things that life has to offer. Keep strong .. and believe in you. . They don’t deserve our love x

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      Anonymous says December 5, 2016

      Wish you luck. I have been through this an now pulling myself through. Next year will be good and i have no contact with Gerry H. Hes the worst thing every,however,I will not be a victim.

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      lnb says January 19, 2017

      I have the same exact story

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    AJ says October 17, 2016

    “….. there IS a breaking point! Just takes some of us a little bit longer to get to that point!…” (would definitely add, & for many.. might take longer just to even figure all of the #$*%# out; no matter how smart you are, apparently! =p) Of course, I say that because it applies to my situation. Ya shouldn’t feel too bad, phew…. twenty-six years! =/ Yup! Been w/ him since H/S. Went from thinking he was just a player/cheater.. Never understanding why he seemed to argue freakin’ everything. Blue sky? Nope.. kinda turquoise actually. Yet would act/exist, as if ANYTHING emotional just didn’t exist. He never dealt w/ any important stuff, difficult things, decisions… I’d clean up all the messes left behind (at my own expense!) while sparing HIS reputation/image w/ our son when he’d disappear AND then, when he’d come back. All the while, starting this ‘grass is greener’ new life elsewhere, w/ someone else… demanding to take our son for ‘weekends’ etc. Such a messed up thing all-around. Hoping he’d change OR that my son would have to realize who/what/how he really is, once old enough.. for himself. Knowing I needed to maintain a positive image, not bash, etc. no matter how hard it was…. that my son would only resent me, if….. So here, while daddy just ignores the entire situation, mommy has to explain WHO this person is, but also the importance of it NOT being OK (yet not going into detail, putting adult issues on a child OR bashing his dad… man, that was tough!) THEN… got to explain why he wasn’t going to… “x” house this weekend OR, well… ever again. UGH, who could DO that… put a kid through that. Even during the times he was off “whatever”, during what I called a “wake & escape”, basically…. all of the sudden, out of the BLUE… went from “Good morning to…. can’t do this anymore, am going…. bye!” Said I wanted to know WHERE my son would be… rather than provide an address? He shows up WITH the woman… WITH the police, demanding it’s “his weekend”. WHAT? We’re married dumb ass…. ??? Better yet, it’s the point I realized how badly the system suuuuucks! They said I needed to let him go. WHAT?! Not wanting to cause a scene in front of my 11-12 yr old son… ugh, wtf is going on here?! Why… what…. who….. wow! Started digging, researching… after always just thinking I must be nuts. He could spin ANYTHING & did. After going, it would usually only be a few months -ish & there’d be “something”. tugging at my heart-strings.. That he (supposedly.. tho ‘something’ did happen, just don’t know what) WHILE MY SON WAS THERE…. told this girl he wanted to end it & she took a bottle of pills! Had to have a ‘friend’ come to drive my son home to me.. Then, of course, HE too… needed somewhere to go, wasn’t going back, etc. Deciding my son was NOT going to be put in that situation EVER again…. researched, ignored, ‘dealt with’, wouldn’t engage, question.. put up a HUGE wall… wouldn’t sleep w/… All of which only tore me apart, down even further…. well, he did anyway. Mind $#$@#@ to the extreme.. Add to that, him switching jobs a few times, being unemployed a bit in between… getting ZERO financial help for almost a year from him, when I was juuuuuust making it, as is.. My son is 17 now & my huband just pulled another ‘wake & escape” after days, weeks. months of declaring his unending loooooove for me.. mmhmmm.. Telling me all the things he wants to do (in text of course… Guy has NEVER even taken me out on a date, ever.. His proposal back when, was crap.. If I didn’t plan it, etc… it didn’t happen. We did/went, where I made plans for.. IF I made plans for. NO romance, ever… NO emotianal connection to his son. He’d hug him once in a while, sure… but idk, “hey kid…. or ‘ready to eat….” a “relationship” does not make, imho. Same w/ me. Left again…. is “rooming” (mmhmm) w/ a woman & saw that he is smearing ME all over FB. The bs & stories that must be coming outta his face, phew…. As this ‘roomie’ lieks, comments.. feeling sorry for the pooooor abused hubby. I feel bad, for HER! Creepy that it’s like a calling card or trophy… Each/every thing he posts, is like he’s getting away w/ ? …. ‘Cuz it’s him saying I’M doing……. ALL THE THINGS HE, himself is & has been! Haven’t heard from him, yet….. motivational posts about how horrible it is to alienate another parent from the kids, not fair for thme to only hear one side of the story! (U don’t knkow HOW badly I wanna reply….. “well, feel free to explain it then. Whadd’ya expect when you abandon your family for the 100th time??? ps: he’s 17, can make up his own un-influenced mind based on YOUR actions. Wait, who is where????) BUT……. i know that will do nothing for anyone. Would feel damn good tho. hahaha. Anyway, posting all about how he’s suffered long enough…. gotta let go of what’s killing him before it kills him, even if it kills him to do so…. What the…?!?! About…. “how many chances do you give someone to f… you over….. until enough is enough?” lol…. Yeah, I’d sat 26 yrs my friend. While SO grateful for my son, wouldn’t trade him for the WORLD. Always wanted to be a mom. I, unfortunately, was born w/ a kind heart & a moral compasss. I pray to GOD or whomever, that I’ve just made the right decisions & sacrifices for HIS best interests going forward. To expose him to the right things…. Have taught/SHOWED him HOW to treat people…. respect others, have dignity, empathy, compassion, love….. & the importance of ones words being followed up w/ action! How important it is to keep your word, promises, etc… Maintain doing “right thing” for right reasons no matter who is looking… To have a conscience & just be a good guy!!! One mom can be proud of… That some day, when you’re gone…. how would you want others to remember you? Me? I want ’em to remember me as a great person to others & awesome mom! 🙂 I just figured out what was really going on… like 5 yrs ago, sadly. If something doesn’t feel right in your gut, no matter what it is…. In any relationship, if someone has you questioning self & they aren’t doing for others as you’d do for them… RUN & don’t look back! You only have ONE life…… live it w/ someone who treats you right during the storms! Is supportive, thoughtful & by your side when it’s not so easy to be. That is how you’ll know they are a keeper. Anything can be worked through, compromised, fixed…. If they aren’t willing to even discuss…. move on! Do what’s best for your KIDS & make them a priority. Not dating, not bringing a ton of strangers into your house to be mommy or daddy substitutes. That…. will damage them even more! Someone has to be the grown-up. I was both for wayyyyyyy too long! The only thing worse than being in a toxic relationship of any kind for 4 1/2 yrs…. is being in one for 4 1/2 yrs… & a day! (or….. 26 yrs + 1 day! lol yep, i joke to hide the pain I guess) Phew… be grateful & whatever ya do, don’t look back! Def don’t GO back. =/ Esp if you have kids… C….Y……A…. They WILL use any/everything against you & BE prepared. Overly so… THe courts are overwhelmed & suuuuuck! Right/fair rarely means squat….. hardly wins either imho. Do what you have to.. to be safe, right-minded & well.

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      Carol says November 1, 2016

      Wow AJ, you said a mouthful and said it well! Yours words are so true and spot on. I’m glad you have made it to the other side and isn’t it wonderful to be free of the drama, the walking on eggshells, always waiting for the next bomb to drop. I spent 30 years of marriage in mental and emotional prison with my ex. I have been free for 25 years now and it is so wonderful to live in peace. Best wishes to you!

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    Megan says December 11, 2016

    Kristi, same. 5 1/2 Years with covert narc gf. Multiple short term breakups before now, but I always reached back. She’s doing no contact in response to my no contact, probably expecting it to be killing me,plus I think financially she’s in good shape now. She very well may have began devoting more time to a side relationship…new prey. The act may be boring at this point, not exciting anymore. Who knows. The above article was spot on though…I am having times of feeling slighted and abandoned by the narc, despite me praying she leaves me alone. This was validating to hear. The difference this time is…more recovery work under my belt, knowing my feelings aren’t facts, self worth, and seeing patterns clearly..mine included. Also,how promises of future never manifesting, and her withholding from and not caring about my child, despite declarations claiming very different. I’ve crossed over that line finally, and don’t have that existential abandonment and loneliness that drove me back for years.

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    Anna says December 29, 2016

    I married a narcissist 22 years ago. Beleive it or not I just found out he and his sister had narcissistic tendencies .Their father had severe narcissist multiple personality disorder.It’s hard to figure out when masked under severe alcoholism. I finally threw him out on Christmas Eve, he called his daughters once to say he was fine. Me, he won’t answer my calls , tell me who he is with or what he is doing.I don’t know why I care , seeing my bloody eye is still healing from him hitting me in my sleep . thank God my 20 year old stopped him or he probably would have hurt me worse. Your right about moving on but I still feel guilty about the marriage vows and God . I guess for years I’ve been waiting for God’s sighn that it’s OK to walk away from this. You know .”for better or worse , in sickness and health …. Ect . narcissism is a sickness , and I felt like I needed to get him well. But that changed for me when he clocked me in my sleep. I don’t trust him. When I told him to go he wouldn’t. It took both my girls in his face to finally go . it’s been five days now and they asked if he was coming home. They both have some narcissist quality’s from him. But they also got a lot of me to. Compassionate , caring ,understanding quality’s. Thanks for letting me reply. East coast gift to gab ya know.

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      Charmaine Jennings says March 27, 2017

      OMGosh! My ex n “clocked me” while I was sleeping too! Isn’t it terrifying to know that someone can be that crazy? Sadly, it took something that horrific to get me to leave and NEVER look back. Never! I’m almost grateful in a way??? (been over a year for me) because I finally reached the line in the sand that I was not willing to let him pass. Finally! The sad thing now is knowing I was so very demoralized for so long (have n mother too) that I put up with crap 💩 for so long.
      The good thing is finding all these wonderful resources (Kim’s academy is awesome!) and reading other survivors stories…..getting stronger day by day (occasional set-backs to be expected), and EMPOWERING ourselves!
      Hang on tight! Go no-contact! Kick that idiot to the curb and leave him there for garbage day pick-up!

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    Anonymous says December 15, 2017

    Inspiring and motivating thank you

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Kristi Ambrose says July 7, 2016

Lol omg #3 got you a subscription from me lol. It’s amazing what you don’t realize about people and then you get into a relationship with them and you find out all kinds of things. I don’t mean things like oh she hid money or oh she flirted with people while we were together. I mean coming to the realization of just how messed up people really are. This entire article is my ex. I just broke up with her (again) yesterday. The first time i did it, she was up my butt. She had that “epiphany” you mentioned above lol. And she was doing everything and saying everything to get me back.

This time I’m doing the no contact rule!!!!!! So far i got two notifications she emailed me. But she’s not trying as hard as before. Good riddance and thank god.

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Paul says January 31, 2016

Hi all! I’ve only just come to realise that the girl I love is actually a narcissist! We recently got back together after a divorce/get back/have child/separate for 3 years … Everything was going fine then BOOM – We have a small argument because I refused to do something I wasn’t comfortable with and she totally changed … AGAIN! I played my part by answering back which angered her even more … then I listened to a few stories about her from somebody we both knew and sent her a few abusive texts because of the turmoil it caused … not the cleverest thing I’ve ever done, trust me! It was always a problem in our past relationships, dumping me at the drop of a hat, always my fault, always me begging and pleading to ‘give it another go’ even when I had been wronged. Some of the things she did to me were absolutely disgusting … the last one making me homeless 170 miles away from my home town. Now she’s ignoring me again, when she’s not she’s telling me she doesn’t love me (5 days after she was talking about marriage and how much she loves me) … it left me in a right mess, confused, sad, angry, upset, devastated …. AGAIN! I have a 5 year old son with her and I want him in my life … would she respond to no contact? I’ve hardly contacted her in the last few days but I’m missing our son greatly. I messaged her about seeing him and she told me ‘ok but there’s no chance between us’ … Do narcissists respond to no contact even when it’s them implementing it first? Or will I have to be the one to contact her first? This is breaking my heart, any help appreciated 🙂 Thank you

Reply
    Kim Saeed says January 31, 2016

    Hi Paul. I am sorry for what you’re going through, although I can relate. When it comes to our son, I wouldn’t advise leaving all the control with her as to whether or not you can see your son. If you don’t have a custody agreement in place, that’s the first thing you’ll want to do. If you do have one,make sure you stick to it very stringently-meaning don’t miss any visitation.

    By the way, what she’s doing isn’t really No Contact,but a form of rejection and Silent Treatment designed to punish you for standing up for yourself. Document all the times you tried to reach her and if she won’t allow you to see your son, go straight to the courthouse and file custody papers. You can do that on your own, but it would be a good idea to get a lawyer if you can afford it.

    Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
      Paul says January 31, 2016

      Thank you Kim! She uses the silent treatment a lot and it’s always me who caves in. She contacted me a few hours ago regarding the ‘problem stories’ from our mutual friend. I haven’t replied as it’s not related to my son … I want to, don’t get me wrong but I’m trying my hardest not to 🙁 I don’t know if it’s for the best or not? Anyway, thanks again, I have a bit more clarity now. Paul 🙂

      Reply
        Bethany says January 31, 2016

        hi Paul ? I’m sorry to hear about your story , I keep having to remind myself that not all narcs are men ! Women too! My ex and I separated again Christmas Day just gone, we have a son together and it makes the burden of it all simply impossible ! He has used the silent treatment throughout the 3 and a bit years I h e been entagled with him and every time we split the silent treatment hits me like no other kind of abuse , and they do it for that effect . You should stay firm and ignore your ex , it’s a tactic to get u to respond an give her some attention . Remember any attention or communication they thrive for X Beth

        Reply
          Kim Saeed says February 1, 2016

          Precisely, Beth! Thanks for the vote of confidence for Paul <3

          Reply
          Bethany says February 1, 2016

          Thank you Kim ❤️ I have had to really mean to myself the last 4 weeks that I need to heal from relationship with my ex. I took your advice from one of your posts and have been listening to binaural beats sessions to help with my healing . I’m feeling a lot lighter now , still having an off moment thinking of my ex and how I still love him but I’m hoping now this will fade x

          Reply
        Carol says January 7, 2017

        Yes Paul I am just now getting out of a telstionship with a sociopath/narc. I won’t go into too much detail. We were together seven years. A nightmare. Two of those years we lived by his mother. She is exactly like her son. Those two years were the very worst I developed PTSD for awhile. She lived next door and I know they talked about me hateful they fed off each other and his abuse and mind tricks escalated. Whenever I wanted to break up it was impossible suicide threats love bombing Over the last year he became friends with the neighbor. She inherited a house and this is when the discard phase was brutal and cold blooded. He secured his source by using me. Back and forth. I knew when her father passed something was amiss his personality changed drastically. Then I saw the full force of the narcicism. No love bombing. Pure hatred. 7 years of believing he loved me. For a couple of years I knew he was a sociopath. This was expected. Don’t be to be rude but the only reason I got tricked is because she is extremely fat and ugly no personality. That just showed me what he is really after. He is also an alcoholic and lives a parasitic lifestyle. Just want to say his mother manipulated betrayed and abused her men and women. One time my ex said she will take whatever she can use. Exactly like him just a female version it creepy. Needless to say after this terrible discard he has the nerve to start flirting with me now. It’s so fake so psychotic. He honestly in his mind I think. Thought all this was ok. His excuse is we fought to much move on. But that was his first time saying move on because he knew months before she inherited her fathers house and groomed her for over a year. Sick betrayal

        Reply
      John Gibson says December 28, 2016

      Thank you, Kim, for answering Paul. I just happened upon another site and it was all about women being victims of a male narcissist. I, because of being involved in the community and church married a girl I met in a church campground. I did not know, she did not tell me, and her family did not tell me all the problems that had had with her. She would take the cake. She used to do one thing I notice that none of the authors even begin to tackle when it came to little children. First off, try to abort it. It that doesn’t work do everything you can to make it look like it died naturally. I am serious about this. Social Workers, Psychologists, Judges in Divorce court ordered this woman to stop bringing men in when she had our little girl who was six years old. She told them that was her constitutional right and they could not stop her. She now makes our son’s and daughter’s lives miserable to the extent they move every time she finds them. I have spent a small fortune trying to counteract this woman from hurting these children, but it seems to no avail. My daughter, especially, wants a mother, still, after years and years of counseling. You are the first person of the feminine gender to show compassion to a man. Where are all the others who write books? There are as many women who are narcissistic as there are men now. Hello, wake up world! I am truly thankful to you for acknowledging Paul, you are the first I have found. Even men counselors are not trained in this, they just diagnose the person with a histrionic, narcissistic personality disorder, charge the man thousands of dollars and throw it the courts. Will we see balance in my lifetime regarding this problem that exists in both sexes and information available for both men and women to spot this in a potential lover or marital problem? Our church does not recognize divorce, period. Divorce, you go to hell, that’s it, take it or leave it. I was one to leave it, but was treated like an outcast who had “sinned” until the narcissist began to show her behavior, then, many came and apologized profusely to me and my children. True. That is one reason and the children whom I have felt many times I overly compensated because their mother could not stop her infamous travels to exotic places with so many men, I cannot count them all because she was able to tap into my trust fund that happened to grow while we were married, take millions and live it up and she is probably broke financially but has found the next male who would have promiscuous sex with but would never go all the way and marry her and who will take her up on anything she may offer. She must take a trip at least every two weeks, sometimes a couple hundred miles, but with the divorce money, the world was the limit along with the men who went along for the sex and the money. Sorry, sounds like I hate her, hate is not the word. Every time, in my heart, I think I have come to the place where I could inwardly and truthfully bless her as an individual made in the image of God, she outdoes me. I could prove things she has done that would make every woman who reads your books hair curl and they would never have to visit a salon again. Thank you, for at least showing some balance that there are women out there who can make someone’s life a living hell too.

      Reply
    Anna says December 29, 2016

    They use the kids , mine did . get her into court and establish custody and visitation . That child just became a weapon for her to get to you.

    Reply
Healing says January 30, 2016

Hi everyone,
One of the very hardest things I am dealing with is coming to terms with is that the wonderful caring guy I thought my N was at the start (12 yrs, with a child to him) probably never actually existed. I still grieve for that ‘person’, it’s very hard.

Reply
    paige sullivan says October 20, 2016

    I found that the hardest part as well. 16 years and two kids in total. It gets easier and better. Its been 18 months since i kicked him out and i am slowly starting to rediscover who i am again…a quote that has helped me……she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her
    away…she adjusted her sails.

    Reply
ToWanda says January 29, 2016

After two months of no contact, which is the longest I’ve made it, he emailed me. I have not responded but this hovering act gets me thinking about him much more than usual. Two weeks ago I was a mess knowing the two month mark was coming and I felt in my heart that him and I would never speak again. I let those feelings pass, worked through them and didn’t break NC and when I finally felt better ugh moving on- he emails me saying that some guy sent him emails between me and this mystery guy and asks me to please make it stop. The things my ex comes up with is almost borderline hallucinations, stories no normal person would come up with. Of course it makes me feel good knowing he is probably thinking about me and it feeds my ego a bit, but I’m sure he’s just trying to manipulate and gain control since we haven’t spoken in months. I wish I could just know, however I know he hasn’t changed one bit. I don’t want to be with him but I still hope that one day he will get well. He has an alcohol problem which I believe breeds his narcissism- this is not an excuse- this is the reality. I know I can’t help him anymore but I do wish he could man up and tell me why he really is emailing me. I have him
Blocked in all outlets of communication but he made a new email this time. I’m so sick of the mind fu**ery and the games. He’s 9 years older and I’m the adult here…he is akin to a child mentally…so sad. I’m grateful I am where I am today because a year ago I would have responded to him immediately and would have done anything to see him. This email proved to me that I have changed and that’s amazing- maybe that’s why I got it- a universal sign that I’m on the right track. Anyways, NC is the best way to go, but boy it is hard to not respond when they reach out.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says January 31, 2016

    Hi ToWanda. I can relate to your struggles. They truly don’t give up in most cases…I personally got rid of an email I’d had for about 18 years for that very reason. Stopped the out-of-the-blue emails so I could get on with my life, which I did 🙂

    Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
    NICOLE says October 16, 2016

    He will NEVER get better, The alcohol does NOT cause him to have NPD. It only makes it harder for him to hide it. The mask slips when he is drunk.

    Reply
Beth says January 22, 2016

Hello Kim and everyone here :0) I was forced to apply contact to my ex narc as he assaulted me I front of our little son when he came to pick him up last week. It was terrifying and an ordeal that wouldn’t wish on anybody. Our relationship ended on Christmas Day 2015 when I had to ask him to leave my house as his behaviour was intolerable I was accused of ruining Christmas being selfish and lazy , I’m nuts and all manner or insults. Prior to this two nights before I pulled him up on a telephone convo he had who I believed to be 100% another woman . I’ve had 3 years of this abuse, the twisted realities of my world and his. I will never know how many women he slept with behind my back. And the emotional abuse has been exhausting . I am taking steps now to regain my life, I have chronic anxiety and feel like wreck but this website and others are the light at the end of the tunnel for me x

Reply
chankla2 says January 15, 2016

You can’t control people, places or things only your own reaction to the situation….
N/C!!!
New Year, New Beginning make it about getting bk to YOU….
You’re worth it..,
“:”

Reply
Candy says January 13, 2016

I do I know for sure if my ex-husband is a narcissist? We were married for 25 years. He is definitely selfish and materialistic. I used to think he was gay, because we rarely had sex. He wanted the divorce, but I moved out. Almost immediately after I moved out he started seeing a woman who I considered a friend. They announced their relationship via FB. I was broken. Everyone tells me that they were having an affair, even though both deny it, and that she gave him an ultimatum. I did No Contact immediately. I am also the one who filed for divorce. He really never did any hoovering, he never asked me to go back to him, and he seems to be happy and with this same woman now for almost a year. How can I tell if he is a narcissist or if it is just mid-life crisis?

Reply
    Kim Saeed says January 14, 2016

    Hi Candy, thank you for sharing your story and your struggles. That’s a very common question that you present…and my perspective is that whether he’s a narcissist or just “having a mid-life crisis” isn’t really what needs to be examined. Ultimately, he has broken trust, lied, and cheated. While he does fit the profile of a Narc from your very brief description, I would venture to say that even if he was having a mid-life crisis, he has proven that he cares nothing for your welfare and his mistreatment of you is unacceptable. In my own journey, I found that once I stopped analyzing my Ex and his relationship crimes and turned my focus onto myself, that’s when I truly began to make progress. Wishing you all the very best in your healing journey <3

    Reply
Mobus says January 11, 2016

I had a long distance relationship with a NARC. I called him out on his BS and he would give me the silent treatment for 7-14 days at a time. He would contact me and expect me to be upset and I acted like I wasn’t. He didn’t get a reaction from me. He asked me if I saw us together or a future with him, and I told him NO because he was mean, malicious and not a nice person.(and since he wanted me hooked on him emotionally, and I wasnt) I tested him and then said.. But if you’d like to be “friends with benefits” I’m all for that , since that’s all we’ve got. He then said.. Oh I see,your ok with that because there is no emotions involved. I said, exactly. Well needless to say, he discarded me after that conversation which I was OK with, because it was the easier way out, without aggravation and without my having to sleep with one eye open. I was quite relieved!! And then went NC and have been since.

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Kate says January 8, 2016

This is a log of events I’ve been writing down Re my narc sociopathic ex bf. What a horrible experience IT was. Please leave your opinions as im im trying to work through what’s happened. I’m 96% over the “beast” i will never acknowledge such a pig again in my life. These events have been going on since the end of November (the break up) untill last week.

Things were going amazing up
until about 7 weeks ago.
I sent him a message saying “hey how are you?” I got a response back saying Foff, why the F are you texting me etc. (this was out of the blue btw)
I told him I was upset as a relative had died and he said he doesn’t give a ….. And for me to go and die.
That was the end of the relationship there and then.
I was doing well untill la i started to get messages off him saying to “jump off a building, set myself on fire, die, kill myself, that im worthless, ugly, beneath his shoe, that he never wanted me, that he was using me etc. I (unfortunately) retaliated with anger and said a lot back.
He then wanted me to apologize to him (ha)
My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue.
I called him up ago and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. Telling me he can do what he likes, doesn’t need to ans to anyone and will never change.
He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again.
I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex.
I’ve changed my number now and am doing amazingly well. I feel this man is a bully and manipulator and I don’t care what happens to him.
The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I’ve got everything in my life going for me and I cannot understand why I’ve allowed this treatment. I allowed this man to bully me.
Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this?
I guess I’m asking this as he made everything to be my fault. I’m so glad I’ve found out how he is sooner rather than later.
Thanks guys ??? xx
Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond.
If I said something I didn’t like agreed with he would block/unblock me again and talk like normal again.
The past 3 weeks have been hard, being called names like , telling me he was talking to other woman the whole time, that I was a piece of and he was only using me, shouting at me when my alarm went off in the morning, telling me he didn’t give a damn about me yet kept seeinh each other.
Always making out I was in the wrong.
Why I allowed it, God knows.
I think I got so used to his behaviour
I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was.
I feel like this is all my fault. Even though I’ve gotten rid of his number and changed mine im actually worried that he will get in touch some way again as he knows where I live.
fter reading comments on here, I went strict NC.
He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc.
2 days before xmas he showed up. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults.
The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc.
I said you have 10 mins to say what you need to and then please leave and that I didn’t want him in the house. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Telling me how disrespectful I am, that he doesn’t care etc. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. I told him please leave as your scaring me and I’ll call the police. He said “do you think me spending time in prison will change anything as i still come out alive”.
He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying.
Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police.
He was saying “Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while I’m sitting here so calm” it shows how pathetic you are.
Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems.
He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. The said he didn’t spit on me.
Telling me he never liked me and didn’t give a damn. Then apologized to me over and over saying sorry, we slept together as I was too mentally drained to say no and scared.
He would not leave the house and didn’t until the next day.
i messaged him last week as I had cauht an Sti, he said its from me, went mad trying to call I wouldn’t pick up. Told me he would call the police as I was Harassing him (ha) and said he’d come to my work and Id be sorry. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. (He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond) then blocked me again and I did to finally.
I’m 95% over him but I called him a narc and exposed him to his face.
If he comes back in my life I will cry,
I can’t believe that someone so vile and toxic was in my life and that I allowed it.

Reply
    Deb says October 15, 2016

    I hear you loud and clear. I have heard those exact words, seen those exact words. Even have the holes in my walls. For the past 3 or so years however, I have not cared about his opinion of me. I know he is wrong so therefore i don’t value his opinion. I’m very aware when he is attempting to emotionally manipulate me trying to have his own way. I diligently stick to my guns and remind myself what he is up to. He fully fits the covert narcissist, however, I am a bit confused whether there is a third type because he also has many traits which belong to overt narcissists. I believe that the reason people allow themselves to be treated like this is, for me anyway, that we are flabbergasted by the unsanitary and just can’t believe anyone can really act this way an truly have no regret. And truly believe it’s justified or exceptable.

    Reply
    char says February 8, 2017

    Kate I can only pray you are far away from him. I fear he will seriously harm you.

    Reply
Kate says January 8, 2016

This is my story that I’ve documented for the past 2-3 months. I have written it on all down on a blog so it’s dating from the end of November to last week. Have a read and let me know your thoughts on this “creature”

Things were going amazing up
until about 7 weeks ago.
I sent him a message saying “hey how are you?” I got a response back saying Foff, why the F are you texting me etc. (this was out of the blue btw)
I told him I was upset as a relative had died and he said he doesn’t give a ….. And for me to go and die.
That was the end of the relationship there and then.
I was doing well untill la i started to get messages off him saying to “jump off a building, set myself on fire, die, kill myself, that im worthless, ugly, beneath his shoe, that he never wanted me, that he was using me etc. I (unfortunately) retaliated with anger and said a lot back.
He then wanted me to apologize to him (ha)
My self esteem was at all time low and I feel i allowed this verbal abuse to continue.
I called him up and he called me back shouting at me, shouting at passer byes telling them to F off and what the hell are you looking at. Telling me he can do what he likes, doesn’t need to ans to anyone and will never change.
He told me he will hurt me if he sees me again.
I found out during this time he has a criminal history of assault and a caution on an ex.
I’ve changed my number now and am doing amazingly well. I feel this man is a bully and manipulator and I don’t care what happens to him.
The most worrying thing for me is that I allowed this behaviour to go on. I’ve got everything in my life going for me and I cannot understand why I’ve allowed this treatment. I allowed this man to bully me.
Was this emotional abuse, and can someone give me an insight to this?
I guess I’m asking this as he made everything to be my fault. I’m so glad I’ve found out how he is sooner rather than later.
Thanks guys ??? xx
Thankyou so much for taking the time to respond.
If I said something I didn’t like agreed with he would block/unblock me again and talk like normal again.
The past fee weeks have been hard, being called names like whore , telling me he was talking to other woman the whole time, that I was a piece of crap,and he was only using me, shouting at me when my alarm went off in the morning, telling me he didn’t give a damn about me yet kept seeinh each other.
Always making out I was in the wrong.
Why I allowed it, God knows.
I think I got so used to his behaviour
I should not have reacted or responded to him at all. And deffo not asked to meet up and not given him the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I was.
I feel like this is all my fault. Even though I’ve gotten rid of his number and changed mine im actually worried that he will get in touch some way again as he knows where I live.
after reading comments on here, I went strict NC.
He was getting in touch with a mutual friend asking where I am etc.
2 days before xmas he showed up. I let him in as I had moved on, and thought the 5 weeks apart was enough to cool down have a chat like adults, and part as adults.
The minute I let him in i regretted it. He was acting like nothing had happened, asking me questions etc.
I said you have 10 mins to say what you need to and then please leave and that I didn’t want him in the house. He went MAD and I mean MAD. Telling me how disrespectful I am, that he doesn’t care etc. Got in my face telling me how he likes to hurt people and how it makes him feel good to hurt people that disrespect him. That nothing will stop him. I told him please leave as your scaring me and I’ll call the police. He said “do you think me spending time in prison will change anything as i still come out alive”.
He kept lunging for me as if he would hit me. Rang all his friends and told them how disrespectful I am. Threw pillows at me. Pinned me down on the bed and started pinching my face telling me to smile. Laughing at me when I was crying.
Taking his shoes on and off and asking me to say sorry. Punched a hole in my wall, telling me I was not respectful to him. I was walking around the room as I was scared to be near him or run or call the police.
He was saying “Kate look how pathetic you are walking around shaking while I’m sitting here so calm” it shows how pathetic you are.
Told me how everyone loves him and that im the only one who makes him act like this. Said that im the one with anger problems.
He then pinned me on the bed again, trying to hug me etc and saying sorry. I told him please leave me alone he stood up and spit on me. The said he didn’t spit on me. Telling me he never liked me and didn’t give a damn.
He would not leave the house and didn’t until the next day.
i messaged him last week as I had cauht an Sti, he said its from me, went mad trying to call I wouldn’t pick up. Told me he would call the police as I was Harassing him (ha) and said he’d come to my work and Id be sorry. Then said that he has a gf and that me contacting him would cause problems…… Even though I never did. (He has used this tactic before when i refused to respond) then blocked me again and I did to finally.
I’m 95% over him but I called him a narc and exposed him to his face.
If he comes back in my life I will cry,
I can’t believe that someone so vile and toxic was in my life and that I allowed it.

Reply
Kathy Finn says January 4, 2016

Ten years divorced later. When he and his 25 year younger wife that he left me for argue he’ll call to check on grown kids. I say yes/no/maybe and end convo. Remember they never have remorse or grow up. They need constant attention and accolades. Makes me wonder who else he has on speed dial for getting his feel like god vibes. No contact is best.

Reply
chankla2 says January 3, 2016

Live&let live…. Let them live their lives as they choose, they Don’t change!!!
Your own happiness is what matters!!!
N/C only way to go
*)

Reply
rambler90@gmail.com says January 2, 2016

Anon,

May I ask why you allow her to have access to you? I apologize if I dont recall your full story. But as much as this episode of hoovering, for the most part, left me unperturbed, I am kicking myself a little for letting the block lapse, believing he’d have enough self-respect and shame to stay gone. We need to make ourselves totally unavailable to these people. If you leave any door open you may find that you’re actually hoping to be hovered, as some sort of proof that they’re thinking of you or they care.

Another part of me is glad that his text got through. It only reaffirmed what I already know and sometimes hate to admit. He’s sick and he will never change–because he can’t if he wanted to. So in a way it was a blessing, because I have a tendency to get sentimental. And I bet that’s why he waited until the holidays to reach out–hoping to catch me in a weak moment. I see now, in his mind, we’re still in a relationship. I’m his and he sees it as just a matter of time before I ‘come to my senses’.

Block your number and change your email. Please.

Reply
    Anonymous says January 2, 2016

    Hi Rambler, thank you very much for the reply. It’s been rough. I gotta admit. I think you said it best…I am almost hoping to be hoovered. 🙂 I miss her. plain and simple. It’s been 3 months since she moved on to another source. Even though I miss her, I know it’s completely unhealthy for me mentally to keep letting her contact me. I am trying my hardest to get away though. At times it feels like that movie where a guy was hiking and his arm was caught between a boulder and a rock wall…before he died, he sawed through his arm with a dull knife so he could escape and live. and he did. I feel like that lately. I am trying to cut her off…but, it’s hard. The good news is that I think it’s almost over. I just want her to leave me alone to grieve….but, I haven’t completely cut off her emails…texts. So, that’s my fault. But, soon, I am going to just be so over it all, that I will block everything. I worry that she might get a little nutty if I do… I am just unsure of everything now a’ days. I am not confident self anymore. 🙁

    Reply
    Anon says January 2, 2016

    Hi Rambler, I wish I knew. I miss her. You’re right though… I half hope she does hoover me sometimes. I have lost so much self confidence from it lately. She just takes from me and moves on to the next source. I need to get away.

    Reply
      Bradley says January 3, 2016

      Hi Anon….I’ve been there. Sounds like you have the right perspective though. You know what you have to do. I can tell you this….some 70+ days into NC….it works. Every day/week gets easier….the emotional and chemical attachment fades. Believe it. and quite quickly you find the focus of your energy (with some work on your part) will turn to you…..it is now all about you. Ensure that it is. Make it so. But you have to block ALL methods of contact…take that step. It provides freedom and peace of mind, After blocking…you stop wondering…waiting…obsessing….and you start to move on….believe it. I am living it.
      Block everything. Focus on you.
      Stay strong.

      Reply
        rambler90@gmail.com says January 3, 2016

        Anon,

        I know it’s tough to break away, but you have to start somewhere. By now I”m sure you know that she will never change, and she will always keep pulling you back. So you have to be the one to draw the line. Like Bradley says, it’s hard, but it does work. Eventually their hold on you fades and you start to remember who you were before you got sucked in. I went back hoping that he had changed–he pretended that he had–but it was the same BS. It’s a new year; great time for a new start. Good luck.

        Reply
          Anon says January 3, 2016

          Thanks everyone for all the helpful thoughts. It’s been a rough last few days. It’s really helped. 🙂 I blocked her on my phone, but then she just emailed me an hour ago “thinking about you”. ha! yeah right. Why do they try so hard to keep you pulled in??

          Reply
          rambler90@gmail.com says January 3, 2016

          You have to change your number and your email address. It’s THAT serious. I blocked him on my email and he created a new email address so he could get through.

          Why do they do it? Because when they see you trying to break away they NEED to reel you back in to soothe their ego and they get scared that your rejection means they are not worthy. I believe he values me over his ex or whomever. I know I’m the one he wants, but he doesnt know how to have a normal relationship. He lies, manipulates, triangulates–all so he can appear desired by others, and the smartest, most spiritual, most everything–so I will look at him as a God and never leave him.

          After we broke up, I figured out that’s what he was doing and why (among other reasons Im sure), I thought that if he knew that I understood him and still loved him, he would relax with his antics and stop being stupid, but it didnt work. He tried harder the second time around, but the inevitable fights started. I got tired of hearing him preach all the time, trying to tell me what to do like I wasn’t an adult. Beating me down with his opinions and theories and his expertise on relationships every time we fought. The more we argued the more he saw himself diminishing in me eyes. So he tried to diminish ME. They lash out like that.

          When we broke up (caught him in a lie, finally) and confronted him and he turned on me. He worked so hard to convince me I was imagining things, then he berated me. When none of that worked and I couldnt be swayed, he started in on the emotional/verbal abuse–putting down my career path, telling me I was a focused person..then breaking into tears about some random childhood story about how no one in his family believed him. All this in one fight! And i finally saw it clearly, for the first time, each tactic, one by one, one after another. I was floored. I left.

          He called and tried to berate me about how he does everything for the relationship; I do nothing. He’s tired, he’s done. I hung up in his face mid-sentence and never spoke to him again. He started calling after he realized i wasn’t going to call to make up with him, like always. He started harassing me calling me the very things I accused him of. He didnt want to be with me either, I’m this, I’m that.

          Now seven months later this hoovering crap. Now we’re soulmates again. Can we make amends? REALLY? F**CK OFF. But he doesn’t even deserve that response. I’ll never break NC. And I know he’s dying inside to be rejected by ME, his prize ‘possession.’

          Moral of that story is they are full of it. DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

          Reply
          Anon says January 4, 2016

          Well, she tried really hard today. Lot’s of crazy emails after I told her to stay away from me. And, it’s my fault, I blocked her phone number and texts, but didn’t block her email. So, she blows that up instead. Then, has the audacity to ask me to give her money. When, I refuse and laugh about “why I would give her money when she is with another guy”, she loses it and say “she” is breaking it off with me. Somehow, I suspect, if I leave her email open, she will try the whole thing again. I have been blind folks. But, now, when her mask is slipping, I am getting that I was just used in so many different ways. I have been trying to move on for some time, but she gets mad and blames me for everything. It’s funny, that I would have the opposite reaction. I would be sweet and nice and loving, if I was trying to win back a trustworthy and quality ex-girlfriend. I wouldn’t be threatening and nutty. She broke up with me for another guy! I don’t even understand what’s going through her mind. I thought when you swing from one branch to the other one without letting go,…once you grab onto that next branch…you DO let go of the old one. She used to parade old ex-boyfriends out for me to show how crazy they were. When you read them, you can see them shaking their head’s, they called her “toxic”. Back then, i sympathized with her. Now…I get it. She is. 16 different boyfriends in 10 years. Should have been a red flag. lol. Lost her virginity at 14. Whoa. Was trying to get into a sugar daddy relationship recently. I told her, here’s an idea? “Get a real job like the rest of us?” Oh, she didn’t like that. hehe Ugh, the problem is that when she turns the personality on, it can really fool you…and she is very cute and charming when she wants to be and very beautiful on the outside. From now on, I want older women that are okay looking, but absolutely beautiful on the inside. 🙂

          Reply
anon says January 2, 2016

Actually, I got just the opposite. Absent of hoovering over the holidays because she was “busy with family”….haha. meaning busy with her new boyfriend. I am sure when Monday rolls around and he has to go back to work..I will get hoovered again for money, help, emotional support. All while I am back at work as well. She sits home and gets bored after grad school ends at 1:00…or she is not seeing her rich banker supporter…and they hoovering on me will commence. 🙁

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    Anonymous says January 7, 2016

    My advice…when she emails or texts “thinking about you” and you want to write something back, just call her out on her BS. I got to the point where I would simply say, “OK, what do you need” and refuse to let the person talk around it. The excuses would flow and I would block them with truth. Eventually, my person couldn’t win – couldn’t get me to cave and pretend there was no elephant in the room (his lack of true feelings for me). His pity party died out and that PISSED him off….this results in being cut out of their lives for a period of time…good! More time to get over them. I save the exchanges so when I feel like I miss the person, I read their BS excuses and realize what a dirtbag I was duped into thinking I loved. Wasn’t love. Won’t call what I experienced love.

    Reply
rambler90@gmail.com says January 2, 2016

I wonder if anyone here has experienced the holiday hoover? I was sure this a*hole was gone forever, when – boom- a text on NYE declaring himself my soulmate and he mine and hoping things could resolve or some dumb sh*t like that. He’s back on the block list! I didnt change my number when we broke up this time because my children memorized it finally after having to change my old number. I blocked him, but the block expired and I didnt bother to renew it because I was sure he was gone. These people really dont go awa, do they??

And just for sh*ts and giggles, I go to his ex’s page–the one he kept in the middle of our relationship for triangulation purposes–and there she is with a public protestation of her love for him. I wanted to throw up. How could anyone who’s known for any substantial period of time possibly believe in him in any way? It boggles the mind. It’s like some sick world that he lives in with his victims. It’s really disturbing. And the sad part is, I believe that HE believes I am his soulmate (he’s one of those Ns that idealizes ‘true love’). I dont know if that’s because under that psychosis there is some recognition of what he had, or the fact that I cut him off makes him want me more. It’s just nuts..and I’m glad I’m gone.

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chankla2 says December 28, 2015

KIM IS CORRECT ! MALE/FEMALE NARCS THYRE HOLLOW, INSECURE, USERS, PERIOD….
THEY CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED YOU
CAN’T FILL THE EMPTY HOLE INSIDE
THEM, PERIOD…
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY GO FOR
SUPPLY AFTER SUPPLY?????
N/C !!!! ANY ATTN TO THEM? YOU’RE IN THEIR GAME, THEY WIN!!!!!
REMEMBER THEY DON’T FEEL THRE
IS NO DEPTH TO THEM. THYRE LIKE REVOLVING DOORS, SPINNING ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!
FORCE YOURSELF TO MOVE FORWARD, THEY ARE ALWAYS GNG
FORWARD TO GET ANY NEEDS MET!!!
ACCEPTANCE THAT THEY DON’T GIVE A RATS A** ABT US IS THE HARDEST BITE TO SWALLOW, TRUTH….
IT WILL COME BK AROUND ON THEM…
N/C ONLY WAY, THEY DISCARDED&USED US….
STRENGTH!!!
RINSE&REPEAT THAT’S THE NARC..
THEY’RE NOT AS HAPPY&SETTLED AS YOU PERCEIVE…
‘)

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Kim Saeed says December 27, 2015

Gracias , deseándole el mejor año en el 2016 ! 🙂

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David says December 26, 2015

He, he, he.
Yes the narcissist is always a he.

Thanks for perpetuating this notion, further traumatizing male victims, making it more difficult for males to find support and empathy, contributing to the “guilty until proven innocent” battle that makes who have been accused of abuse (often by female narcissists) face, and emboldening female narc abusers.

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    Kim Saeed says December 27, 2015

    On the contrary, David…I have written several articles about female narcissists and frequently work with male clients. In fact, I’m working on an eBook for male victims of narcissistic abuse. So I beg to differ that I am emboldening female narcs.

    Reply
      Anon says December 27, 2015

      Hi Kim,

      I definitely agree that narcissists can also be female. I have been stuck in a long distance relationship with a female narcissist for almost two years now. I have paid her rent for an entire year and bought her so many expensive things. I have always been there when she needed anything. She is devastatingly attractive. She wanted me to move to where she lives a few months ago, but something inside me wasn’t ready to make that commitment. maybe a 6th sense or something. I did travel to see her many times. With her, it’s always, about HER. What she needs. Why I am bad or wrong. She needs material things. needs inhuman emotional support. She is flirty. She is really good at lying. All she talks about is how pretty she is…and how other women and men tell her how pretty she is. She literally makes jokes about all the guys around her that hit on her to me. In any event, she broke off our relationship about 3 months ago, for another guy. Same profession as me. younger than me. But, somehow……somehow…kept me on the hook for 3 months as her “friend” trying to win her back. Still helping her with money and material things. I look back and just want to smack myself. I liked her. I thought I loved her for awhile. Very fun personality. Very charming. Great in bed! I mean, like unreal great. She even goes to lunch weekly with another really rich guy that just pays her money to be with her. It’s crazy. It’s all so toxic. But, the crazy thing….is that I feel anxiety and I miss her. I miss our conversations and sex and relationship. I don’t love her…maybe I did for awhile. But, I miss her. Have been literally chewing my arm off trying to get myself away from her over the last 3 months. I can’t believe how hard it is to just say no. I tell her to leave me alone and not to contact me…she will then wait a few hours or a day or two…then email me or text me something sweet to rope me back in again. It’s like I am on a merry-go-round and can’t get off. I just blocked her number..yet again a few minutes ago. Maybe I will stay stronger this time.

      Reply
Sandra says December 23, 2015

So true, love your posts,
Always on time when I’m searching for answers, mine was just sentenced to a year for his behavior, hate that I’ve taken him back so many times, always looking for the real, nice guy in him ,the one I met, but I now know that was his mask, I’m just glad I got out alive!!!!

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Anonymous says December 5, 2015

I work with a guy I have slept with for the past year. I had strong feelings for him. I thought we had a future. He is single, so am I. We had a great time together, laughed, traveled. Looking back he was hot and cold though, and after realizing he was seeing other people, etc and researching I’ve realized that he’s a narcissist. The build up, devalue, discard and all of that fits how he acts. He hasn’t had an actual girlfriend in 15 years. He’s a player. I fell for him.
Embarrassingly, I’m still very physically attracted to him. I don’t see him every day but we communicate often because of work and we travel monthly to the same events and are in hotels together. He now flirts very heavily with other women we work with in front of me often, close talking, touching them, their faces, lips. He’s extremely attractive and women are all over him. I know for sure he’s sleeping with other people. (Yes we use protection and yes I know that’s not fool proof) I can’t do no contact obviously because of work, and I feel like a complete failure when I sleep with him. I go into every trip with a clear head and fail every time. I know he wins when I do this. It’s very painful to see someone you still have feelings for touching, flirting, working on other women. I feel so jealous. I hate that I do. The connection I felt with him isn’t gone yet. I want it to be. He still makes me laugh, etc. I feel like he’s pushing my buttons all the time if that makes sense. I know sleeping with him is only maintaining the connection – as unhealthy as it is. I’m working my way towards letting go. I know I’ll be happy when I do. I realize it’s in my control to change. I’m having a hard time being disciplined and I feel terrible about myself. I feel like I’ve lost my confidence completely over this last year. I fell for him hard, now that I realize what he is and what this is doing to me I’m struggling to get out. I have no idea why it’s taking me so long. I wish I didn’t have to see him, that would make things so much easier.
So that’s the situation – what I would like are words of encouragement. I know the smart thing to do. I do believe I will get to the other side. I realize what an idiot I’m being.

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    Kim Saeed says December 5, 2015

    Hi Anon! Thank you for stopping by and sharing your experience. No judgement here and you’re definitely NOT an idiot. Sex is actually one of the ways they keep us hooked into the toxic relationship. In fact, they TRY to keep us in the bed. For them, it’s a way to keep themselves occupied and entertained, but for us, it promotes deep bonding and attachment. Obviously, the first thing you’ll want to do is stop being intimate with him so your body and psyche can stop bonding you to him. Then, try going Grey Rock. It will be hard to do, obviously, but it’s the only chance you have for survival. In fact, some people in your position seek other career opportunities. Hope that helps…keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    Reply
    Bradley says December 5, 2015

    Hi Anon,

    Gender roles reversed …but my situation very, VERY closely mirrors yours (no N pun intended).
    Kim’s advice is spot on…again. Right down to the role or job function option being explored fully. I, too, have the work trip/co-worker issue.

    My encouragement looks like this. You are doing research, and found this website. You are now educated and educating further. You know what you have to do. Know what you are dealing with. Your reading and education likely has shown you…you KNOW where this leads and how it ends.
    Your choice is simply…WHEN ? Your N will not end it…..they have the best of all worlds…..have their cake and eat it too. Have you when they want…..and then you come back when they lack NS elsewhere, after disappearing. Or after rubbing your face in their other supply….its harsh.

    You deserve better. You deserve a trusting, open and honest relationship. You deserve to be happy and content and confident in your partner. You CAN and WILL find this in another partner.

    Your situation will not get better, nor resolved, until YOU take action. And it sounds like you are ready to do so. It’s tough…and I am only 40-something days into NC….but give yourself a break….some mental ” free space” to look at things. NC brings such perspective. Hard days…for sure…..but every day gets better. And in fact brings peace from the madness and anxiety you are likely experiencing. The waiting. The pining. The wondering. The self-doubt.

    Give yourself a break….do as Kim instructs. Try it…change the game.

    From what you wrote….you are very close to “putting you first”. Try it. I have seen this quote so many times in my research…..and it is so simple and true…..”Do not allow yourself to be someone else’s option while making them your priority.”

    Love yourself and be happy. You are NOT alone.

    Reply
      chankla2 says December 5, 2015

      Amen!!
      it will come BK around on the NARC
      its about US, healing…
      N/C is absolutely the way to go, period…
      Strength for all on this new path….

      Reply
    chankla2 says December 5, 2015

    here’s your encouragement w/a dose of reality…..
    THYRE Not players THYRE Users!!!!!!!
    what THYRE saying&doing to you? THYRE doing to many, fact.
    Any ATTN from anybody is better than none to NARCS guy/girl any age, fact.
    Think of the crumbs they throw, you eat it up like its the best steak you’ve ever tasted, fact.
    Any engagement w/them youre in the game, only they win, ego boost!!!!!
    you see actually youre in control of you, until you’re ready? YOULL play, believe, hang on&inevitably be hurt each time…
    read these sites, pray, meditate, exercise, cry whatever it takes to start getting BK to you!!!!
    they don’t care, feel you’re an object, their supply, BK up etc….
    N/C is only path to healing….
    YOULL look BK soon&see how mch time youve wasted, use this as a time to get strong… Don’t Settle!!!!!!!
    I wasted 7yrs ex bf NARC an I got the short end of the stick for sure… I deserve better, lesson learned!!!!
    its ABT you, Not them….
    they Don’t change, supply, ego, ATTN seeking, self absorbed evryday 24 7….
    blessings, courage , strength to make a better life for you…!!!!!!!!!!
    as far as S***? ya its good but thres better, the whole person, a real relationship…. THATS the Big *O* right there….
    Hang Tight!!!
    how people treat us, is a reflection of self….

    Reply
      Anonymous says January 7, 2016

      spot on…they’re not players…they are users!

      Reply
    Lyle Spillman says December 20, 2015

    Something that helped me tremendously, the person you fell in love with does not exist. All they show is a carefully constructed image. Like a character in a movie.
    When you see him think of a hollow man with nothing inside but envy, rage and jealousy. They have no normal feelings that hold them back.
    Peace be with you, there is a good man waiting for a good woman to love and care for. Grey rock this guy and make room for that good man.

    Reply
      Anonymous says January 7, 2016

      You’ve said it perfectly. It does take a while to realize that you can’t trust your perception, and this realization is what can kill your self-confidence. I’m printing your words to reflect on myself.

      Reply
    Anonymous says January 7, 2016

    That is just a hearbreaking account of what you are experiencing. I know it’s real because I have my own version. You are a normal person who developed feelings for someone. You would expect that with all of the time you spend together and the physical intimacy that you share, your partner would have caring feelings for you, too. That would be “normal.” Sadly, this person is broken. He’s not able to be fixed because he doesn’t see a problem to fix. It’s true that your feelings of love for him will be sucked into a well of emptiness. I know what it feels like to have your confidence plummet to nothing- when I realized the lies I was fed for so long, I doubted my every decision. Every decision was overwhelming. I thought, “I must not be worth much. This person only takes and does not give.” The best advice I have is to start to focus on yourself- return to a hobby or sport your loved or pick up a new one. Get out and get busy- away from him. Don’t spend time alone with him even when traveling- no lunches, no walks to meetings – nothing. Be pleasant when you cross paths but don’t engage him on a personal level. Mine would say…”Oh, so formal now”…then I would feel bad and fall right back into the bullshit. Don’t feel bad. Do what I ultimately did- smile and say “not at all” but keep on moving. Glimpses of my old self are returning after six months of trying to pull myself together. Now, when I think of him my stomach turns. It’s when I see him that I weaken, so I intentionally avoid situations where that may happen. If he texts a random photo – which he shouldn’t because there’s no reason to- I now think “that’s his attempt to manipulate me” and delete it right away. Don’t feel guilty or stupid or ashamed. You thought you were dealing with someone who had the capacity to care for others, as most people do. Unfortunately, you weren’t. Wishing you the best.

    Reply
    Kay says January 13, 2016

    You are not an idiot. You are human and have REAL feelings where this narc does not. I was with one 6 yrs and then married ( bad mistake) and am now divorcing him. Every time you give into this guy you lose a piece of yourself.. The reason you feel he’s pushing your buttons is because he IS. And.. I’m sorry but he’s laughing at your being played. He throws you crumbs to keep you hooked. Those crumbs will become l ess and less until there is nothing left of you. Do you remember when you were happy?? Now? Confused. Disrespected. Lied to. Manipulated. It only gets worse — the more abuse ( yes it is abuse) you allow /accept – the more he will dish out. PLEASE have some self respect — you deserve to be treated like a Queen… NOT a convenient doormat. The “old” guy will not return. This IS the guy he’s been all along. USER. It took me 3 yrs to get up the courage to leave my narc husband. It was hard. Kept praying for a miracle. He turned his entire family against me with his lies. Now ?? I am FREE — I am NOT confused.. My self confidence is back. And I will NEVER allow anyone to treat me like a piece of crap on their shoe again. It happened VERY slowly…til I woke up one day and wondered what the Hell happened.. They are mentally disordered — RUN and never look back. If you stay?? He will destroy you.

    Reply
      Skye says March 6, 2017

      I wish there was a like button, so true! Exactly my experience as well.

      I said in the beginning that the good outweighed the bad and I know that there was no way that I could have left but over time – I was with him 14 months, 3 days 11 hours lol – there was absolutely nothing good left, he systematically killed everything we had, and we had a lot. Most likely laughing at my pain behind my back the whole time because he was putting one over on me, that was his favourite thing – duping unsuspecting victims. How ridiculous is that really. The only way he could ever win was by cheating and catching people off guard. Big man.

      By the end of it I had lost my entire life but am happy to say that the moment I really let him go I got it all back. That was my saving grace, deciding that I could back track – go back to the time before I let him ruin me and I have and come out even better for it, absorbing some losses of course but I can tell you I will never take my life for granted again or EVER gamble with it.

      And I will trust my instincts and be not so trusting. Not a bad thing. I’ve learned a lot about boundaries and magical thinking. It’s ok but only if you are the one in the drivers seat of your life.

      Reply
    Phantommirage says February 1, 2016

    He should NEVER have the last word.

    I am coping w/ a similar situation at work myself – the pain does feel like a hot knife everytime he jauntily strolls by. I just shut my mind out, but have to hold it until I reach a private room to cry & curse. I take responsibility for my decisions, but he’ll never acknowledge the trail of damage he left w/. What justice is there for the surviving vs. the perpetrator???

    Reply
Sara says November 27, 2015

I really loved this. It helped me very much to stay right where I’m at. Safe and in peace : )

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    Kim Saeed says November 28, 2015

    Wow, thank you for letting me know that, Sara! I’m happy to know it gave you a boost 🙂

    Reply
Bradley says November 22, 2015

Thanks to all of you who have contributed to my recovery by posting your experiences and thoughts. Despite feeling “stronger” every day, and being 28 days (4 weeks !!) into serious and committed NC…I still find myself asking the question once in a while that led me to this website….again. Does she miss me ? How can she not ? One of the reasons I bookmarked this page is because the following words from Kim provided such insight and perspective to me…please allow me to cut and paste them here….
========================================
(from Kim)

What He Really Misses
•He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
•He misses not being able to be himself. He can’t do that with new supply.
•He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
•He misses having someone to mop off his stage, all while paying the bills.
•He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
•He misses being “God”.
•He misses not having adult responsibilities.

As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. It’s all about their ego and having control. These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.
(end quote)
========================================
How true….for the last 4 months before I went NC, I was the doormat, the punching bag….pick your analogy. I’m still trying to understand how I let myself get treated that way. I believe I was slowly but methodically “conditioned” over time to have such low expectations and such low self-esteem…..I took it. And I hoped for a ” crumb” of attention to be thrown my way every once in while. But trust me….when she needed to unload on someone….vent some anger….I was number 1 on her list. First in line. Oh well…I guess the new supply gets to absorb and endure all of that abuse and negativity now…or it just builds up inside her…..and it will NOT be me who takes it when that emotional volcano erupts next time.

It doesn’t matter is she misses me….probably does not miss me at all. What DOES matter, is I am no longer the doormat, and no longer do I allow someone to be my priority, while allowing myself to be ” their option”.
Whether your N misses you or not is not the issue. Loving yourself, validating yourself, and focusing on you is what is now important (and yes…I am preaching to myself as well) .
Stay strong….focus on you…..and thank you all again.
Brad

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    chankla2 says November 23, 2015

    hit the nail on the head- Kim is sooo
    right they miss the pattern of totally meeting all their needs, period.
    when THYRE done bbbye…
    no THYRE not happy no THYRE noOT in love just new supply, period.
    yes focus on you! it does get better!
    YOULL start to see the NARC in a different way… N/C is best YOULL be one less back up supply on thheir list
    thy always hve bkups, an seeking new supply always….
    strength courage to new life new love ahead for EVRYBODY…..
    it will come back around, watch..
    working in yourself getting healthy THATS progress, success….
    not just bopping to relationship to relationship it will eventually snowball…
    they DONT change….

    Reply
Ange says September 12, 2015

Hi all… right, well i got discarded weds after I confronted my boyfriend on how cold he had been in the last couple weeks, to which he replied his feelings had changed, while all the time glaring at me like it was my fault and I was something he was chewing on that tasted awfull! Plus Bering in mind We had only been back together 6 weeks after he chased me no end to give him another chance after the last breakup! I was reluctant to give it another go the last time but after receiving a text one sat night when he knew I was out with friends stating that he was basically on the verge of killing himself if I didn’t help him with his cocaine habbit, I caved in and let him back into my life again… i so wish I hadn’t!
So he started a 12 step program and at first he was all full of promises that now he was off the drugs that everything would be different because this was the root of all his problems, paranoia, selfishness, no empathy, lying, cheating, controlling ways! By now I had already started my research on narcissists a while ago so I was aware of the idealise, devalue and discard process but wanted to so much to believe it was the drugs that turned him into this horrible person not his actual personality. in fact I found him to be worse off the drugs then on them! He seemed to feel nothing at all without them, was even more unemotional, uncaring and into himself, he also completely lost interest in sex and blamed this on the lack of drugs, he’s been doing coke for 20 years, not daily but binging at the weekends.

We have broken up many time, mainly when he was on a drug fuelled mission and got paranoid and started accusing me of all sorts! It would always result him in packing and going (to his ex I discovered).
This time was very different (i felt the build up of discard coming, cold detached, no text in the day, not calling or returning my calls). normally when we argue,one or the other would say enough is enough, he would pack his things and go and I would let him, never tried to stop him and I always went no contact straight away but always give in and reply as soon as he messaged me….. text, text and more texts and all would be forgive again (and there as been a lot I needed to forgive him for trust me).

So again he’s packed his stuff but messaged saying he couldn’t collect it until the next day (no explanation as to why his feelings have changed, no sorry for hurting my feelings thanks for supporting me and no kiss at the end, nothing! He was so angry at me but he was finishing it! Anyway I replied that was fine and deleted him completely from my phone.
So i came home later to all his stuff packed and ready to go but this time I knew the M.O of leaving the odd thing here and there so he had a reason to contact me as before, so I gathered up all his odds and sods that he had left lying about and put them with the rest of his stuff, left a note on the top stating ‘ That’s everything, so there’s no need for any further contact and please leave my keys.

Get home, his stuff has gone and at the bottom of my note to him was “best wishes Ang, thank you for EVERYTHING, AND I MEAN THAT, ok no contact xxx”. I then find me door key on the mat but no fob key for the main entrance door – he has always left both before and knows one goes with the other! I’m now left with a decion regarding my fob and getting it returned, so instead of me breaking no contact I got my best friend to message him regarding my fob and getting his mailing addressed changed. She messaged that I had requested the above and he messaged her straight back saying “if Ang wants the above she should message me herself and not be telling the world our business”, my friend politely message back “Ang no longer want contact with you so please respect her wishes! He didn’t respond, I knew he wouldn’t!!!

I don’t want him back, my belly might be doing somersault but my head is so much clearer without him in it, controlling my every move, I met with a friend last night, stayed out for a drink after my shift tonight, I work in a pub and I felt so free… I know I don’t want him and the life I lead when I’m with him for the rest of my life…. I was so independent before I got with him, was happy with myself and I want that back for good… I’m staying no contact, fact!

I thought this was the final discard, specially how coldly he done it, and I will never forgive him for that, I stood by him when he begged me to help him be normal, get of the drugs lead a normal life! and then threw me away like I was nothing, it was more the way he looked at me that done it for me.. the mask fell and I truly see him for what he is…. a nasty, human being unable to love or appreciate any of the good things in life, to love and be loved, he will never get it .. he will be forever lonely no matter who he choses to try fill the void in his empty soul.

So I’m a bit confused as whether I should expect the Hoover or not…???

He said he didn’t feel the same and was unhappy with me, that he wanted to leave (he never acted this way before and he was sober/straight!!!).
Agreed to no contact. But seemed aggravated that my pal messaged him not me.
Kept my fob, why? Is this another form of controlling, does he just want me to contact him so he can ignore me so he still feels like he has the upper hand or is he planning another return attempt?? I hope he isn’t…

Any views on the above would be greatly appreciated

Wow this was meant to be a long story short, sorry xxx

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Debi matthews says September 9, 2015

I posted under replies. Sorry.
I left my husband after sustainability ng visible facial bruising, n the middle.of the night, I left everything.
I had a restraining order but he didn’t (and won’t as long as I have law on my side) and so that state denied it renewable so I Re filed at my daughters place, as I stayed there recovering from a bran injury. Now he filed a sneaky divorce without proper service and I unknowable filed for and for a restraining order, he had filed divorce but is now fighting the restraining order, why??? Why, I left before I knew he was fighting it, and now I am so so so worried, my daughter and grandchildren live there, do you think he would kill or harm them??
I have no income and was sleepy ng on her couch, and now have a bed til I get work.

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Angel says August 23, 2015

I was at a concert tonight, one that he goes to every year. I was praying i wouldn’t see him and thankfully I didn’t. But as I was leaving the venue someone ran up and hugged me and I looked up and it was his best friend. Me and the friend exchanged small talk and I didn’t ask about you know who and he didn’t bring him up. I feel sad now. Funny because I haven’t cried since we broke up in June. I went through all of that stuff the first time break up–hit rock bottom– and I vowed not to go to the dark side this time. One, it was too hard to revisit and two I felt he didn’t deserve to be mourned. So I cut him off and haven’t looked back. I still think of him often but my life is good and Im happy. I know it’s over so I try not to dwell.

But seeing his friend did something. I dont have an urge to call him or anything like that– I have maintained no contact without exception and will continue to do so–I just feel..sad. I guess seeing him triggered something..It’s easier to forget about him because he stopped calling and there’s no real chance of us running into another as we dont live in the same city. But seeing his best friend was like seeing him in a way. It took me back and it threw me for a loop. When I looked back I saw the guy was immediately on the phone; my guess is he was calling him to tell him he’d just seen me. I just want to get to a place where he doesn’t affect me at all. Sometimes I wonder if for the rest of my life a small part of me will always be just a little sad

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    Kelsea says August 23, 2015

    I saw your post through the emails I receive from this site and I just wanted to reply because I know today you might feel lonely, sad and might be ruminating over last night. I just simply wanted to tell you you’re not alone. I know the gut wrenching feeling when you see someone related to your exN or even when you’re in the same area he’s always known to be. I can’t even drive through the area where my ex lives and works without being on pins and needles. I search my windows as I pass by to make sure I won’t see him walking with his back pack to work. Every tall man with a baseball cap is a blur that resembles him and I look in the rear view mirror and take a deep breath as I come to the end of the road and think to myself “I made it one more day without seeing him” and finally I didn’t want to see him. I used to scour that neighborhood to see if I could produce an exchange encounter and maybe, just maybe if he sees me again, he will know that he screwed up. Anyways, I am very happy you didn’t run into HIM. Maybe his friend didn’t mention him because he knows his buddy screwed up. Maybe he knows he’s a loser and isn’t worth mentioning to you. That’s nice that his friend was still kind to you- usually with a Narcissist, they create smear campaigns with whoever will listen (their friends, coworkers, family and even your friends) and if you run into any of these people- you get the “ugh it’s that girl who broke his heart- she’s a horrible person” or whatever else he told them. My ex did this to me. I now laugh at these people I used to be so close to who now think I’m this horrible woman. Well, if they knew me well enough then they would buy into his BS.
    Please stay strong my beloved and remember you’re doing this for a reason. Remember the last painful incident that occurred and all the reasons why you shouldn’t ever go back. I promise within the next few days your head will clear and you’ll feel as good as you did before the concert. I think there’s a reason why he wasn’t at the concert this year and its because he doesn’t deserve to see you. I cut contact harshly and abruptly in July so I know what you mean by asking “will I ever be completely happy again?” And my answer is “yes”. We are in control of our happiness and I will not allow that abusive man to question my abilities and joy any longer. Of course u have bad days and moments and boy, do I sometimes have the urge to respond to his email he sent after he realized I changed my number and he no longer has control over me- but I won’t. It’s a daily practice and struggle my love, but you’re doing it! One day this won’t hurt, it won’t matter and he will be a distant memory with no feelings attached to it. Please continue to do the work that is needed for you to heal and understand why this happened so that you never get involved with another person who will jeopardize your mental health and happiness again. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

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      Angel says August 23, 2015

      Thank you, Kelsey. I appreciate your kinds words; they’re needed today. Alot of memories and feeling a little sad. Not wanting to call him or anything crazy like that, just feeling a little sorry for myself I guess. I talked to my mom today and she said I dont miss him, because he’s not worthy, but that I miss the life I thought I was gonna have and the person I thought he was. She’s right.

      Yeah, I was surprised his friend approached me too. He probably did it just so he could interact with me and have some gossip to go back and tell. My ex probably lied and told everyone he broke up with ME. Im sure of it. Doesn’t matter I guess. I hung out with a friend and took in another show so it wasn’t such an okay day. Just waiting for the feelings to pass. I didn’t think I would feel like this anymore because I’ve been doing so great. Oh well. Again, I thank you for thinking of me. Means alot. <3

      Reply
Wanda Kemp says August 9, 2015

it feels like i just woke up from a dream of someone else’s life after 12 years. I used to write his words down… i knew they were bad but his words became my words. it started with our first Christmas together. i was wrapping presents and doing a terrible job. he started laughing, said i didnt do anything right. i didnt cook right, didnt dress right, didnt wear make up. I never understood how someone could shame you while laughing so innocently and he never understood why I had to ask him if i could do anything right? “yeah,” he said defensively but there was no list of the things i did right. After that i became the bad welfare mother he would never take parenting advice from. The night he said that, i cried all night and he sat there and watched. The next morning i was exhausted, red eyed and swollen, i took the kids to school and came back and cried some more asking him why he thought so badly of me why he was with me. he told me he never said it. it didnt make sense to me, nothing made sense. i started seeing everything through his eyes. he attacked everyone i got close to and i started seeing them as a threat too. He told me, look at the way people are looking at you and I did. They were looking at me the way he was looking at me. I was sure of it. I stopped talking to people, i stopped talking to them mostly because I couldnt explain in my words what he was doing because i had his words in my head. Every time I left him, i was drowning in the misery of his lies. he groomed me to see that the whole world saw me as he did. it is only now that I remembered the fear he put in me, how when I started talking to a friend I had isolated myself from, my heart beat out my chest when he found out and I never understood why. I remember now, all of the words other people have said to me, you put up such a fascade… how do you do it? You’re in pain and you dont even act like it. You should be screaming at him, it’s your life… why aren’t you angry? I wasnt angry… i was confused. I was numb with grief. I was silently drowning. I could never understand how my friends could hold me while I cried but he couldn’t. That’s not true, he held me while I cried about the people i felt completely isolated from, asking me ,”Do you want me to beat them up for hurting you?” I literally had flashbacks about the things people would say, “What’s the matter with you?” I told you that you were bad? ” All of which confirmed everything he said about me, that there was something wrong with me. I remember all of it, all of the nasty things he ever said to me, did to me and I wonder how long it will stay with me? I also wonder after I leave him when the numbness will come and then the pain, the drowning…I remember I used to watch and wait for his lips to thin out, tried to prevent it with everything i had inside of me because I knew what it meant. It meant that those bad words were coming but would it mean that this time he would ridicule me like a child, point his finger in my face like last time, what name would he call me this time. what would he throw against the wall… I dreaded guessing the things i would have to clean up after he smashed and broke things. Worst part is that my daughter will grow up and find a man just like him and he’s gonna make her cry and he’s gonna steal her joy and her hope and she’s gonna wonder why she wants to die.
i used to wish he would have just hit me, atleast then I could have found the right words to explain what was happening to me until the day he actually did and tried to choke my son. I tried to tell people but I didnt know how… i couldnt explain it… all i ever said was he was mean or he doesnt contribute… he’s bad with money…or he mistreats me financially because I was trying to make sense of it by looking at his actions but i never thought about the words. I remember when i would pray out in pain, I knew in my heart God was trying to tell me something. All I heard was, finish your book, finish it… what you are looking for are in the words.
I remember when i first move to Texas, God was stronger. i would look at signs, find words, put them in my book. And I heard God again. The words are every where.. now that i know and have found the right words… i want to shout it from the roof tops… I’m not crazy.

i left my abusive marriage and im left to pick up the pieces.  i was living with another man because i felt like having another relationship would keep me grounded until I can get on my feet. But it’s not just the isolation… its living thats hard.  I see abuse in everything in everyone, more than my abuser and i know it comes from me being in his head and seeing what he sees.  I still find myself living in the habits of abuse.  I always wonder when the next attack will come, i welcome it just so i can get it over with and when it doesnt happen, i think what’s wrong with him.  inside of me, I get mad at him bc I’m still walking on eggshells, watching… waiting.  I see glimpses of abusive behavior, a tone that may not even be there, hurt feelings that turn into defensiveness from something i said wrong and i shut down, prepare for the numbness thats inside of me and everything is quiet.  The quiet before the storm and still im waiting.  i know if he knows, he will think im crazy but i think I’m crazy.  i see myself living life against my will, always going through the motions doing only what will please him just to prevent an attack. i see people watching me and i hear his voice, “see the way they are looking at you.”  i dont understand why I am more mad at this new person than him, for looking at me that way, for a punishment that never comes. Without it, there will be no relief for me and i have lived for this relief.  i know i have this problem but even worse is the fear that it will be used against me. I dont know how to pull myself from this darkness bc it was always him that took the lead to forgiveness. I know that my way of preventing future attacks is different from others.  It always comes back to complete isolation.  The only place i feel safe is inside of me, knowing that when i speak or laugh no one knows that im the one struggling. The only place i feel safe is in the lie, that I’m okay. i live in 2 worlds where i am raw and broken but i laugh and play and touch and hug and my daughter wonders why I am sad and cry when we are alone. And i couldnt do it, i couldnt live with someone else while being in my abusers head so I moved out. But I’m afraid of when my withdrawal symptoms will come because I know my body will crave that relief. The worse part is, this abuse addiction spills over into my other relationships. Even my girlfriends will say something to me and it will trigger a response, I dont even know where the anger comes from and I run, literally. A year ago, i was drinking at a bar with my friend the weekend after the last time i left my husband, it caught up with me and i stumbled into the counter. She yelled at me, “whats the matter with you? I told you to slow down.” I dont even think i have ever been as angry as i was at that moment after i heard those words. i grabbed my purse and I left the bar. She came after me, grabbed my shoulder and I pulled away, really angry. I screamed at her that i got that shit from my husband and that i didnt need it from her too and i ran away. i couldnt get away from her fast enough and i havent talked to her since even though she had been my best friend for 11 years.
I have a baby girl with this man and have been lucky enough to see him only a couple of times, both times through court to get her back when he tried to keep her from me and both times my heart beat out of my chest from fear of him. i thought i was going to have a heart attack. He calls her every night but i had to completely move out of my city bc even going out in public would cause panic with in me. i feel safer that he doesnt know where i am but i know eventually he will have to know where i am keeping his daughter.

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Angel says August 3, 2015

I wanted to add that the thing I learned about these narcs is that they dont respect ppl they can manipulate and control. Like, the exes who think they walk on water. They keep them around for the ego boost and to make the new partner jealous, so you can think “Oh, if s/he still wants to be with him he must be great.” But they know that the only reason those ppl worship them is because they have managed to break them all the way down. So now they’re not worthy. So then they look for someone who they believe is on their level, worthy of all of their knowledge, beauty, and whatever. But when they get a confident, independent partner they can’t handle THEM either, so they start to break you down, manipulating, gaslighting, and trying to make you dependent on them so you will never leave. Whenever you stand your ground you get treated the same way as the others anyway. So it’s lose/lose.

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    Brian says August 5, 2015

    They can’t have a healthy relationship of equals. At heart they’re bullies who must have control. They probably think they love the new person but its just new supply thats not on to them yet. They need them and wil really pour it on like my ex did with me to set that hook into them but its most definitely not love or the foundation of something healthy.
    My ex’s new guy has a job that is more creative like hers so they may have a longer “honeymoon” period but its always all about her in the end. I just hate to see her little girl grow up with a different man around every year or two? I think this one has a kid(s)? I can’t imagine my ex pretending to be a caring stepmother type for long?

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Brian says July 31, 2015

I want to say that my ex has an art exhibit this year at a annual downtown convention in my city that I usually go to but I stayed home this year so I wouldn’t be tempted to see her.
I don’t have kids but a normal mother (or person) couldn’t pull off such a viscious devalue/discard on someone like me that gave her toddler such attention and joy. I read that baby bedtime stories and pulled her around their neighborhood in a little red wagon….going fast enough to make sure she was laughing and enjoying herself. A normal mother (or decent human being) would appreciate that.

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    Kim Saeed says July 31, 2015

    You’re absolutely right, Brian…

    Reply
rose petals says July 30, 2015

I was with a N for a little over three months. It was a whirlwind and I thought I finally found someone who loved me completely. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. When I first met him I noticed he was 30 pounds smaller than all the pictures he sent to me. Not a big deal I do not go off just looks. Yet we had everything in common. Our first date I laughed and had the time of my life. It was beautiful. I had a gut feeling something was off. It was too good to be true. Yet I told myself I was scared because of past hurts in life and not to let him get away. I should have listened to my gut. I started to notice little lies here and there. Things he said not adding up. He would not sleep much and I thought it was from sleep deprivation. Little lies started becoming huge lies. I had no idea what was going on. What happened to this wonderful man I met. I loved him completely. I did however notice the beginning stages of what appeared to be meth mouth. Yet he told me it was from many years ago. I noticed it on the first date, yet his explanation seemed plausible. How could this wonderful man be on meth? Yet it all added up not only was he a Narcissist he had a very well hidden meth addiction. I did not know that some people could camouflage an addiction so well. Everything he told me was a lie. Everything. I did a background check on him. Even when he said he was going to court to fight for custody of his daughter, crying on my shoulder about his evil ex keeping her from him. I found out to be a lie. He went to court because he was being sued. He also was thousands of dollars behind on child support. He even signed off all parental rights to his long lost daughter. He was never fighting for her. He even told me he enjoyed hurting women. I left him when he had meth rage. I still didn’t figure out he was on meth till weeks later. Then all those red flags added up. I felt like a wolf ate my heart and threw it up at my feet. I will not speak to him but did go off on him for being a lying horrible evil person. He almost seemed demonic. I am with you ladies and know your pain. It hurts. It really does.

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Angel says July 30, 2015

So I was with him for two years the first go round. Left the relationship and was doing great. Missing him everyday, but moving on with my life. It wasn’t easy, but I was doing it. As I grew in my spiritual maturity I began to question if some of the things that went wrong in our relationship weren’t all his fault and if we just brought out the worst in each other because we needed to work through our issues to get to the happy place. We were apart for a whole year and I grew alot, realized alot, and for better or worse, I had to admit that I truly loved this man. I hoped that maybe he had grown as well and just maybe we could come together again and apply the lessons we’d learned.

I suspected he might be a narcissist long ago, but wasn’t sure. You know how great they are at manipulating you and making you question your natural instincts. I had a tough time discerning what was gut instinct versus his voice in my head making me doubt myself. Unlike alot of the other stories Ive read all over the internet, he was very loving 90% of the time. Spent all of his time with me in person or on the phone, very supportive, super romantic–consistent. And being a very spiritual man, always talking about right and wrong and how he lived his life according to what God expected of him, including being faithful and honest..blah blah. He was beyond reproach. And therein was the problem.

Anytime I would question something he said, or have a differing opinion he would speak to me in this condescending tone, talk to me like a child or an underling, and wear me out talking for hours about why he was right and what I needed to learn. I would literally get on the phone with one agenda or opinion and hang up defeated. Like, what just happened? If I stood my ground, as I am apt to do being a woman of strong mind and conviction, we would end up in a fight, yelling at each other and vowing that we were done with each other. Even now I marvel at how I accepted one iota of his crap because I was not raised to accept that. I didn’t come from an abusive family, and have never experienced any of this stuff in previous relationships. If u stay with these men, it’s a slow erosion, and before you know it, you’re accepting and making excuses for sh*t you never would have before.

Because there were more good times than bad, I always ended up missing him and we’d start talking and work things out. This started to happen more and more. I would love to go into detail but this would be a book. After a year apart we got back together and the pain of being apart seemed justified because we had found our way back to each other. We were soulmates! We talked for 8 hour stretches the first few weeks, so overjoyed to be back in each other’s lives. To his credit, I noticed some changes in him; he tried not to be so overbearing with his opinion and I made a point not to rely on him for all of my emotional needs. He seemed to respect my growth and independence. But then the fights started again, and he was as disrespectful as ever, always turning vicious and showing no respect for my opinions, even going so far as to use things I told him about me when my guard was down to win his argument and hurt me to transfer his bad feelings on to me. Lots of manipulation, always talking about how much more he does in the relationship, attempting to guilt me into feeling bad as if I were abusing HIM. Im a kind, fair, honest person and he would have me feeling like I was some dysfunctional, emotionally damaged person who was taking out my “demons” on him, or that I had trust issues–which I never had until him. But it became his mantra and I started to believe it! And there were the other textbook things like all his exes wanted him back, (and one that just wouldn’t go away), they treated him wrong. He was always the victim in any story where there was a problem in the relationship, even with his own family. He used to be a model, though I never saw photos. He was the leader of a band that I never saw him play in and going through his FB back to before we met, I never saw one announcement about a show…

I learned from this relationship that I should never and will never doubt my instincts again. I can go back to almost day one when he would tell me things–little things–and my inner alarm would say, “that’s not true”, but I let his WORDS convince me. Why? I guess naivete. I couldn’t possibly guess that someone would be that skilled at lying and manipulating. And he seemed to really love me. I knew what he was doing was wrong, but I tried to work with him because everything else was so right. I see now that the price I was paying for those good times was just too high. I just didn’t want to accept that he was not the person I thought he was, or that he was irrevocably damaged. That would mean I had to give up the dream. And I didn’t want to. So I held on way past the time I should have let go. I always do that.

Some of these narcs are not your textbook case, putting you down every minute, flying off the handle, isolating u from your friends, the silent treatment. He was the model partner most of the time. But he is indeed a narc. He’s what I’ve come to learn is an Altruistic Narcissist or Covert Narcissist. They do good deeds, they appear sweet and loving, but the moment you piss them off, they will resent the hell out of you and throw “all I’ve done” back in your face and then you see the typical signs; raging, blame, gas lighting, manipulation, lying. It’s almost as if he really tries to be this larger than life person that he imagines himself to be (oh, the grandiosity!), but when challenged he can’t contain the monster within.

We lasted six months when we got back together before I ended it. I finally caught him in an concrete lie, something I was never able to do before, so he always managed to talk me out of whatever I believed. And to watch him try and worm his way out of it; the way he had an answer for everything; the way he tried to turn it on me; even started crying! All the while he was LYING. I couldn’t believe it. It was then that I realized who/what I was dealing with. Anyone who can lie without blinking an eye like that is scary.

I honestly dont know if he ever really loved me, or loved the idea of me, OR loved that I loved him. Maybe all three. Did he lie to seem more desirable to me, or because he lives in a frigging fantasy world and can’t separate reality from fiction? Who knows. Who cares is what I tell myself. To keep going around and around in my mind is exhausting and I refuse to do it. I think Im still suffering from a bit of cognitive dissonance, but the fog is clearing. I know we had some really great times and genuine moments that simply cannot be faked. But whatever is wrong with him, even with his best efforts, he can’t have a normal relationship because he can’t NOT manipulate, he can’t NOT lie. He has such a false sense of himself. And unlike the other narc stories I read, this guy NEVER apologized, not even to get back in my good graces. He’s always right; it’s always about what YOU don’t understand. If he ever deigns to take responsibility for anything, it’s something HE feels okay with copping to, and even then something I said or did was the catalyst for his bad behavior. Because I don’t trust him, or I dont respect him, or see his efforts in trying to keep the relationship together. Ugh..And it’s so sad because he’s one of those that idealizes love and he has lost the very thing he desires most in the world. Unconditional love.

We were talking on the phone and he was berating me, once again, making himself the victim, after HE lied to me (gotta love that) and my soul spoke to me and said, “You’re done.” Now, I’d said that so many times before but this was different. It was a complete separation of my spirit from his. I hung up the phone right in the middle of the conversation. I never said goodbye, or fk off, or don’t call me again. Just hung up while he was talking. He called back, I didn’t answer. He texted; I didn’t reply. He went quiet for about ten days and I was feeling great, lighter, grateful that at last the invisible cord had finally been cut–because I’d tried so many times before. I guess he realized this was not like the other times, where he’d wait for my emotional, fair side to prevail in his favor. (I was always willing to consider that maybe something was my fault, something he could never do). When he realized I was not going to call, he started reaching out. First it was a “hey you” text, asking me to please come and get my things so we could move on amicably. Always pretending to be the level headed one. I know him too well and I knew that was a bs text to engage me. Once he got me on the phone to arrange pickup of my things he would start with the mind fk. I refused to give him a platform or an opportunity to transfer his bad feelings on to me–because they’ll take whatever energy they can get from you, good or bad. I ignored him. Blocked his number and forgot he had a number to my second line. He called that line and left a message, again trying to sound polite but I could hear the quiet rage, the panic. I didn’t respond. Another text. Another voicemail. He was purposely saying things to enrage me: that he didn’t trust ME, *I* was manipulative–all things I’d said to him so many times before—to get me so angry I’d call him back, even if just to tell him off, and then he’d have me where he wanted me. NOPE. Sorry buddy, you’re going to sit your narc ass there and deal with all of those sh*tty feelings all on your own.

I never responded and he stopped calling after that. He thinks too highly of himself to chase and I think this time he knows that I know exactly what he is. Before I only suspected and he managed to gaslight me into submission, but now he knows the jig is up. I forfeited my things because it just wasn’t worth it the headache. And let my things be a reminder to him of what he lost.

Unfortunately I can’t block him on all social media because I am an entertainer and need to stay accessible. So I picture him logging on every night checking my Instagram to see what I am up to and it bugs the heck out of me, because I would prefer that he never see my face again and wonder for the rest of his life what Im up to. It’s sad too, because when I post anything I have to be sure that it has nothing to do with my feelings or opinions on relationships or anything sentimental because he will assume it’s about him. The ego! I am much happier and I know I did the right thing. There are moments when I just feel like I am in the middle of a bad dream. Like, I can’t believe I loved this person, or that someone could be so convincingly in love and dishonest at the same time. I vacillate from believing he loved me but his dysfunction/demons just got the better of him to thinking he’s just pure evil. He helped me in so many ways and made me so happy too that I just can’t write him off as evil, but he’s definitely mentally unstable.

I dont believe that all narcs have NO feelings. I’ve seen and experienced too much with this man to believe that. But whether they miss you or not really is of no consequence because you just can’t have a relationship with this kind of person. I believe he does miss me, but I also believe there’s the part of him that just hates that I cut HIM off. These things matter too much to them. The ego comes first and they will protect it at all costs. All the love in the world is no match for it. And even if they do love you or care in their own way, it wont stop them from manipulating you or lying just to keep you in their life. Because they will never let you truly SEE inside them because they are ashamed of what’s there. Oh, I could write a book. I think the Universe/God brought us back together again so i could see him for who he really was and stop agonizing and romanticizing him like I was doing during the year apart.

I’ve lost my lover, my partner, my confidante, my DREAM. Oh, how we used to laugh! I know I can be happy again and I’m well on my way, with many things to look forward to for my future, but I dont see the world or people the same way anymore. To know that there are people like him walking around fooling people, leaving broken hearts and shattered expectations wherever they go….with no remorse, because they don’t have the capacity for it. So you’re left holding the bag that is your heart in a million pieces with no one to say, “I’m sorry”. No acknowledgement of all you’ve gone through. So unfair.

The things I learned as a result of this relationship were necessary for my growth. I see that now. But what a price to pay. 🙁

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    LadyTee says July 30, 2015

    Wow!!!! This was like reading about me and my Narc. It’s amazing how the story mirrors my situation. The mental ups and downs, the LYING and swearing on everything he loves that he’s not lying had me questioning if he in fact ever really loved me. You never know. I love this man with all my heart but the emotional toll isn’t worth it. Thanks for sharing your experience…it just made me that much stronger and know I made the right decision to walk away. So far it’s only been 3 weeks of no contact so I know once he realizes I’m not going to contact him he will reach out. I’m ready for all the BS I use to fall for. I know people can change but I’m too scared to give hi a chance just to find out it’s all a lie. I’d rather move on with someone who is NORMAL. Thanks again 🙂

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      Angel says August 3, 2015

      You’re welcome. If you can manage to stay away, please do. If you do go back you will see before too long that you were right to stay away the first time, as I did. The second go round was just confirmation ultimately. It’s been 6 weeks of NC for me and it’s easy this time. Good luck to you! Stay strong. 🙂

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    Vanessa says July 30, 2015

    I great deal of insight in your writing about your experience. Many similarities to mine. I see those close ,moments I had with my x though more of his acting ability than true connection. My x chased me everytime I left and every time I went back the behaviour worsened. I am over 12 months no contact now but it has been the hardest fight to regain my life.It gets better slowly and I do believe we are better for the experience as surreal as it is.

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    Brian says July 31, 2015

    You’re on top of the situation alright! Its their ego! Its always about their ego and their sense of entitlement. I think when you add religion to a Narc then it really amps up their sense of righteous superiority. My ex rarely cursed and would always say “I wasn’t brought up like that” to subtly slam me for revealing to her that I grew up in an abusive home. We were actually leaving church when she flew into a narcissitic rage and flopped out of a moving car. I went after her because she had the keys and it was her car. Some lady called the police and they were hugging afterwards while the big bad man (me) was getting chastised by the police. It would’ve really got bad if she tried to get me arrested because I was already mad and I never touched her.

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      Angel says August 3, 2015

      Yes, the religious thing amped it up considerably. Sometimes when we’d argue he’d paraphrase things from the Bible to bolster his point. Then it was like I was arguing with God. I can imagine how awful it must have been for you being with a narc woman. So many things to use against you because she’s just a ‘defenseless woman’.

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    Anonymous says January 2, 2017

    AMEN! THANKING GOD THAT YOU MADE IT OUT….SOME HAVE NOT!!!

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Brian says July 13, 2015

I thought I might add that her ex-husband although def a strange individual was def not the villain that I was told that he was. I reached out to him to try to understand what the hell just happened to me and he ended up sending our emails to her. In her last response to me she said something along the lines of “I just wanted someone that was loyal to me and really loved me”. Cry me a #$%’ng river again? She called me about a month ago to cry that I called her a bitch and a narcissist and a user to him. Her feelings were hurt…..couldn’t give a damn about the hell she put me thru. I skipped Xmas with my family so I could help her get to Memphis to see hers instead. She gave me the cold shoulder for “trying to turn my family against me like her ex did” when all I did was try to bond with her family which she wouldn’t do with mine. Her dad asked me to go with him every day we were there so what could I have done? Atleast no kids together…less than $10k thrown down the drain and it was only a year.

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Brian says July 13, 2015

First of all….not even sure I can call my ex a narcissist? She is a very good mother although I will say she had me meet her daughter and doing diapers, etc. way too early! She’s shy and somewhat conservative….doesn’t dress in a sexy or flashy way and could care less about new cars or status symbols. She does love attention as she’s a professional artist and constantly checks FB to see how many likes she gets on her works that she posts. Now she is without a shadow of a doubt a Professional Victim. She plays it to the hilt and no matter what happens its their fault and she is just the poor little single mom just trying to get by.

We met in late March of last year from a dating site and it was almost love at first sight for me. She’s petite and pretty with a gentle shyness about her that made me want to reach out and hug her and protect her from the beginning. She has no family in the area…no friends (red flag)…and most of all a “crazy” ex-husband that was making her life miserable and had tried to “steal” their 2.5 yr old daughter away from her. On our second date we were swinging her adorable little daughter between us at the park and as a 49 year old man without kids…..I have always wanted my own little family. I was in the military and traveled a lot and it just never happened for me. Within a month or so I was doing diapers and reading bedtime stories. I loved it!! The chemistry and sex between us was fantastic and she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever been with. She said I was the most masculine man she’s ever dated and that we had more sex than all her other relationships put together. I believed it. In fact I never caught her in a lie?
To try to speed up this story…I will jump ahead six months to Sept 2014. We had some explosive fights in the beginning but our chemistry was so strong that we’d immediately end up in bed the next day for makeup sex. At the same time I knew something was wrong? She always claimed to be shy, emotional, sensitive, and bossy with the man in her life but it was way more than that. There was no real communication over anything unpleasant. She could suddenly take great offense when my opinion differed from hers on something….and often wouldn’t even less to my explanations. It was often just the way she perceived something and I really meant didn’t matter? She made little attempt to get to know my parents. In conclusion…I got her thru her difficult divorce in Aug or so and I felt like our relationship got increasingly more one-sided no matter what I did for her. She ended up throwing wine in my face in March on her bday and walking home for more than 2 hours….leaving me at her fav restaurant to pay the bill. I was always wrong although she did send flowers to my work once this spring. She called 911 on me after starting a fight when I got angry. It was insane but yet I was hooked and kept coming back. I loved her so much and feel like I still do even though I am so angry. She finally dumped me in May for someone (an architect) she had been writing back and forth for a while but not before telling me she still loved me and I was the highlight of her day, etc….right up to the end. Then I got angry and cussed her thru her vm since she had discarded me and I went crazy. I tried to quit my job and luckily they let me cool off. I crave her voice, her shy little way of kissing my hand, but I want to show up at one of her art shows and smash her works or put this architect into a coma. I’m not well…better than I was in May but I’m not well. I already had deep seeded feelings of anger from abuse as a child. I am not the person I was before she did this to me or I did it to myself. I am seeing a therapist but she doesn’t get it.

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Brian says July 13, 2015

I don’t even know where to begin except that to say that I’m glad I found this forum! I think I got off easy compared to many since it was only 13 months long and I survived.

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Marci says July 9, 2015

After nearly four years together, I was unceremoniously dumped after another not so nice argument. Moved out, (second time this happened) took most everything and has not been heard from for nearly five months. Said he never wanted to see or speak to me ever again. Over time, the gambit of thoughts and emotions overwhelmed me…how could someone profess to love me and treat me like that? Just walk out without an effort…like I never mattered…and I guess I know now that I didn’t. Things became ‘rocky’ when I established and enforced boundaries. I understand now that is part of the overall pattern. Sad thing is that he was the first person that I went ‘all in’ emotionally since my husband passed away.

No contact has been hell, but a friend to me as well. I won’t go into all the sordid details but after months of soul searching and research, I had an epiphany! I was living with a classic Narcissist. Someone with serious NPD. A man-child who has NO friends, wasn’t particularly close to siblings (only his mother!), never took initiative, didn’t care about others, wasn’t passionate about anything, not benevolent, never defended me – EVER, was uncaring/feeling (told me to grow up when I talked about my feelings being hurt on one occasion), watched my dog die in my arms and asked me where I wanted to go for dinner shortly thereafter. I really didn’t understand what or who I was dealing with until now and how impacted so many people are by these human predators. All the ‘one-off’ things are now making sense. As you clinically put it Kim, mine was an “Internal”. I was somewhat vulnerable when we met (temporary unemployment), and I now understand that is prime Supply for these individuals. In some strange way, I feel more pain than when my husband died 12 years ago. But, I do feel blessed to have forgiven and freed myself from much pain and guilt in a relationship that I didn’t cause. All that being said, I am still curious about this:

1. How does NPD manifest in someone? Is it due to your upbringing, family, trauma, etc. or are you born with it? (I saw similar patterns in his mother. He is definitely a ‘mama’s boy’ which was an additional problem.)

2. I have learned that eventually most come back around once they see that they won’t be contacted by the one they abandoned, and they tire of the next one or more. If that is the case, what is your advice as to how to handle that?

Researching and writing has always been cathartic for me. Thank you for creating a safe forum to do each. My gratitude is grand and widespread – thanks to professionals like you Kim who truly want to help people like all of us heal and especially understand. My gate is quicker now and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted thanks to all of you. We will be fine, we are much smarter. I know I am. What we have endured has not been a mistake but a very valuable lesson.

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B says July 8, 2015

3 years in… Almost to the day…

After numerous prompts and signs along the way (didn’t really notice until about a year in) that something was “wrong”, a lot of self blame and confusion, most recently anger and frustration at the way my ” best friend” has been treating me (regularly now rather than occasionally), and lots of self counseling and reading over the past 30 days, I’ve realized things need to change. And I’m the one that has to make the change.

That as much as I deeply care for this person I’ve shared so much with, and who is really is hurting, I need to take care of me first. It’s poisonous. It’s hurt my family, who has put up with mood swings, indifference to their needs to satisfy my friend’s, and severe changes in my attitude and outlook because of it.

I know I need to go no contact. I fear that it will hurt my friend. But everything I’m reading here SO PERFECTLY describes what is going on/what they are, and all signs seem to point to their inability to really feel, be concerned for or love another.

Strangely enough, one of the last exchanges we had over the weekend involves them proclaiming pretty adamantly that they really don’t think there is such a thing as real/true love….even when the person they’re saying this to gives them, and feels for them, just that. They are insensitive. My inclination is to take it personally and be hurt…. Like WTF?? But, painful as it is, they’re just not wired that way.

I can’t believe I found a blog and community of current by wonderful people who’ve unfortunately experienced what I’m just now starting to come out of the other side of…. That want to (and probably need to) share what they’ve been through.

You’re a wonderful, open, sharing guide.

Give me strength to do this…..

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    Kim Saeed says July 9, 2015

    B, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing your experience. It’s great to have you here with us and I hope this site and our little tribe can help give you the strength to go No Contact and start your new life. Wishing you all the very best <3

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Melinda says July 2, 2015

At first I wondered about this after I went “no contact” in 2007…I wondered if he would miss me at all.
I remember that one of the first steps I took was to delete him from MySpace (I’m probably dating myself here). He mentioned that to me, but I acted casual about it.

The next steps I took were more difficult…I forced myself to stop driving by places where I knew he would be, and I also cut down on calling him. I figured that if he really wanted to see me or talk to me, then he would.

Around that time I met my husband, who helped me take my mind off the ex. Suddenly here was a guy who actually seemed to like me for who I was.
I realized that my ex was incapable of truly loving me or caring about me no matter what. So when I talked to my ex on the phone, he was doing the old song and dance about how we could still be “friends”.

At first, I hesitated…what if there was a chance that we could still be something more?
But then it hit me that this was the pattern of things in our toxic relationship…his idea of “friendship” after months of not seeing me or talking to me was most likely to continue having sex with me and treating me like sh*t, because I allowed it.

And at that point I was over it; I was starting to get over HIM. Something inside me just said “no”.
I wanted more for myself. I remembered his hateful comments that I could be replaced, like I was some disposable object. And you know what? I was tired of being treated that way. I was young and finally starting to see that I was not a bad-looking girl and dammit, I deserved better in my life than losers who couldn’t appreciate me.

I could tell that he was shocked when I declined his offer to be “friends”. After all, I’d always gone crawling back to him before. But by then, I was disgusted with him and with myself for all of the stuff I’d been through.
I noticed that immediately after I told him that I had no interest in him anymore as a friend or anything else, the nasty tone came back into his voice and he was like “bye”. Then we both hung up.

I’m sure that he missed me in some ways after I quit him…he missed the fact that he could use me as his verbal (and a few times, physical) punching bag.
He missed the fact of not being able to humiliate me in front of people anymore. He missed being able to watch his racist mother and other people belittle me while he said nothing to defend me. He missed the hot, passionate sex and the fact that I would let him do almost anything he wanted no matter how degrading. He missed the fact that I took him back and forgave him after all the cheating and lies and slander of my reputation, although he couldn’t seem to forgive me for anything at all.

Me, on the other hand? I missed who he was in the early days of our relationship.
But I also felt free in some ways. I no longer had to deal with sh*t from his friends or family or random strangers who would harass us because I was mixed and he was Black. I no longer had to worry about being constantly criticized for my appearance. I no longer had to deal with a nearly 300 lb. guy shouting and screaming at me over little things.
I no longer had to give bl*wjobs when I didn’t really want to. I no longer had to worry about my hair being too “nappy” or the self-hating crap from him and everyone associated with him.

We both moved on in our own ways…I got married in 2009, while he started a relationship with the girl who is now the mother of his child.
I admit that I used to look at pictures of them together and feel a twinge of jealousy. When she had their daughter in 2012, I cried about it…there was a lot of painful history with babies in my past. And they both tried to throw their relationship in my face. She would write about how “adored” she was by him and how he treated her like a princess and implied that some people (meaning me) were probably bitter about it because no one loved them.

He also wrote something on her social media a few years ago, under a Valentine’s Day picture of them all cuddled up, about how he loved being in her arms (rolling my eyes at that one).
It was obvious what they were trying to do: he was still trying to hurt me as “payback” and she was just a fat, insecure cow who felt special for having been chosen above me.
But somehow I managed to maintain a tiny bit of my sanity and dignity…I didn’t take the bait. I didn’t try to contact him or seek revenge. I simply tried to focus on healing from all of the pain life had dealt me and tried to see it as something I could learn from. And you know what? The “karma bus” (another poster used that expression here once) finally showed up at his door because he is battling cancer.

I’ve never been one to take delight in the misfortune of others and I’m truly sorry he is sick…as bad as he is, he is still a human being who doesn’t deserve to suffer.
But at the same time, I hope he realizes that what goes around comes around. When you seek to inflict constant pain on somebody else repeatedly (and my stepfather is another one who did this), you will eventually understand what it feels like in one way or another.
And me? My life is far from perfect. I still suffer from severe depression, I still have more bad days than good, I’m still picking up the pieces and none of it is easy. But I’m still alive and in relatively good health and my husband loves me and there is still much beauty in the world. So it’s been quite a journey but some good has come from it.

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c.j. says June 16, 2015

I am only 1 week with the NC. I don’t know how to do this on the financial level. During the 18 years we were together, we have 2 homes.
Both our in his name. He said he will sign one over to me ( the one I am currently living in ), but legally he could get them both if he wanted to. How can I gain an upper hand over this situation if I am not in contact with him. He is a monster no doubt and I know in my soul there will never be a chance in Hell I would take him back. But I have to somehow secure my home. Is it ever possible to play a N. and win at anything ? Or should I just give everything up and walk away knowing that at least I have my legs left ? I am almost 62 years old and believe it or not we were never legally married….( he worked everything out really well for himself ). I have no other financial means. I have been a complete fool and depended on his support this entire time.

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Anonymous 20 says May 29, 2015

Thank you Sally! Im a year out…after 6 yrs. of hell… LOVE my life without that evil but

That “Staring intently at other women, really up close” thing was a memory that still bugged me a lot.

I think that was one of their imaginary “Ill get you back for having healthy boundaries” punishments because it happened a lot after rages. Also, ridiculously exaggerated but well-timed comments about the beauty of other women, also after rages. I have to laugh at him now when I think of that. We are awesome women, lol, who cares about the woman you’re staring at–who is probably thinking about how she has to go to the bathroom NOT how devastatingly gorgeous you are. lmao. …yet again, just part of the disorder. GOODBYE disorder…hello emotionally regulated peoples! Still cant believe I stayed and trust me ladies (and gent) its WAY better after consistent no contact.

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    Kim Saeed says May 29, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your success story, Anon 20 🙂

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jimmyracingdreamer says May 26, 2015

Hello Kim, your website has helped me in numerous ways, the only difference is that I am a man and my ex was a female narcissist. I have followed your advice and researched online and attempted no contact. It has been about 25 days since we broke up and 21 days since I started no contact. However, my ex narcissist is already now dating a new guy and seemed very happy with him. I should also mention that before I started no contact, my ex narcissist seemed to be indifferent towards me or the break up, mostly the indifference (not silent or mad treatment, but indifference and apathy at it’s uttermost realm) towards me. Even before the no-contact I suggested at staying friends, yet she seemed to be indifferent towards that as well. This indifference is killing me, but wherever I look online everyone says that narcissist will never be indifferent and they always hoover. Mine never hoovered or tried anything to do with me after this long, and like I said, is already in another relationship and seemed happy (doesn’t look rebound to me). I am lost as I am dying inside. I thought no-contact would help and it did to some extend, I started new hobbies and talked to more women, but it seems as if I still can’t understand her actions of indifference. Am I wrong about her being narcissist because of her indifference? What if she’s not a narcissist after all? If you need more information about her to determine whether she’s a narcissist or not please do ask away. I am dying inside and outside. Please enlighten me of her indifference that a narcissist is not supposed to have…

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    jimmyracingdreamer says May 26, 2015

    Also, prior to us breaking up, she asked for a “break” but I made it a “break up” 1 week later. During that 1 week she admitted to have insecurities and she told me that she feels shame within herself and that she has low self esteem of her body (even though she’s highly attractive). Is she turning for the better and becoming a better person? Is she realizing that she’s a narcissist and want to change? She even went as far as to tell me that she doesn’t know what love is… does that mean she trusts me and she wants to change? Yet ironically 5 days later one of the new guys that she is secretly talking to sent me a text of her saying “I love you babe” to him. As far as I know this guy is not whom she is dating currently, and she now has a new boyfriend who she seemed very happy with, so did she change for him? [b] Because the fact that she admitted to me of her inner insecurities and shame and lack of love? [/b] Does that mean she never loved me but love him because I helped her realized who she is/was? I am completely thrown by this because, of course, I too like many others has thrown away my good life for her love. I just find all of these to be the opposite of what a narcissist ex would do… am I wrong? Was she not a narcissist after all? Please help, thank you Kim

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      Kim Saeed says May 31, 2015

      This sounds like the typical “damsel in distress” story of the typical female narc. They do that to incite their male victims’ instinctive need to protect and rescue them. It’s sick, but true…

      From what you’ve shared, she sounds like she could very well be a narcissist, perhaps with a side of BPD thrown into the mix. I know this is very painful for you, but I hope you can find a way to let her go and move on. Wishing you all the very best <3 (By the way, I do work with male clients, too, and I hear about female narcs quite frequently).

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    Kim Saeed says May 31, 2015

    Hi Jimmy, thank you for following my blog and for reaching out. To answer your question – and I’m speaking in general terms here – Narcissists will often latch onto a new source of supply and seem very indifferent regarding the breakup with their previous partners. However, in most cases, even after being gone and silent for a while, they will try to re-engage. Typically, the cerebral narcissist is the one who leaves and pretends their former partner doesn’t exist. Usually, the ones doing the blatant hoovering are the overt ones.

    With that being said, female narcissists, while sharing some of the pathological traits of their male counterparts, do tend to behave in somewhat different ways. They can just as easily move onto a new partner, but seem to be better at giving off the “indifferent” vibe. Female narcs can stay silent for very long periods of time, then come back to re-engage at a later point. This is usually when their new target begins to see she isn’t the fair maiden he thought she was. Oh, and both female and male narcissists are EXPERT in making the new relationship appear to be “just what they’ve always wanted”. Believe me, it’s just a charade.

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      Jimmy says June 2, 2015

      Thank you Kim, you have provided clarity for me in this seemly trapped fog of narcissist-infected life. Although I do still miss her from time to time (I know I shouldn’t be), I have been determined to keep up the no-contact. It’s been around 35 days now (stopped counting days because I do not intend to go back to her in any form). I want to confess something though, because it made me and still makes me feel guilty ever since I’ve done it: during the no-contact I checked on her social media twice (even when we are not friends anymore I can still see the updates), and each time it killed (yes, it’s still eating me up at this moment) me further and I felt as if my “no-contact” has regressed. Of course not just with the narcissists, even in regular, normal break ups this is a no-no. However with the narcissist it had an even greater effect on me, seeing her doing things with her new boyfriend the things she would never do with me, no matter how many times I’ve asked her nicely or aggressively. But, like I said, after reading your articles and other online resources, it seems like this situation is typical and happened to many people. I must admit I am weak at this point, but I will get better, because, simply put, I cannot get any worse (unless, of course, I allow her back in my life in any way). I’ve read your “The Great ‘Narcissist Loves New Woman More’ Hoax” article that you posted yesterday, it provides great insight into mine and many people’s mindsets.
      After reading both of your replies, I have decided to trust you and believe you (sorry for the word usage, I suppose I refuse to believe myself sometimes even when all these proofs of her actions and everything else is shoved right in front of my face that she is a narcissist), I would also like to say thank you for not only the fact that you’ve taken the time to reply to my comments and give insights, but also for what you’ve done for a great number of people out there that are suffering as well. Although I do not have enough money to get a consultation from you as of right now (my life really has been destroyed by her), I would like to donate to you however much I can afford to give out at this point. However I looked for the donate section/button but couldn’t find it (perhaps because the site is under maintenance?), can you please provide a link? I will really appreciate it. And once again thank you for your uplifting words, when I finally heal (some long long long years ahead) I will come back and give more in order to help more people who, unfortunately, met a narcissist(s) and thus destroying their lives like she did mine.

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        Kim Saeed says June 6, 2015

        Hi Jimmy, thank you for following my blog and for your encouraging comments regarding how my posts have helped you. Please don’t feel that you need to donate, especially given your situation. Just consider my posts a little contribution to your healing journey <3

        By the way, if you haven't yet tried guided meditations, I highly recommend them during all phases of recovery (there are other tools needed to recover, as well, but guided meditations are easy to access). Another thing to keep in mind is not to internalize what what your Ex did or said. Those things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her disorder. We, too often, confuse what was actually said or done with the personal meaning
        we attribute to these occurrences – meaning we believe that the things they do and say to us are because of who we are as opposed to the fact that they have very specific reasons and motives for doing and saying those things, which in reality have nothing to do with us – they do and say those things with every person they’re involved with.

        Wishing you all the very best <3

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Toni says May 25, 2015

Yes but I caught my ex cheating. He told the girl I wasn’t his girlfriend then he threw me out of the house. I’d been with him for a year- for the second time! Then he blocked me from everything- phone Facebook messages- like I was the one in the wrong. I talked to the girl and she claimed only to be a friend- watching tv 12 midnight . Anyway why was I blocked from everything- I don’t want him back but I am totally confused

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Knowledge says April 20, 2015

No contact is the best thing I have done!!!! Let me just start by saying I was in a 3 year relationship with a Narc. The worse 3 years of my life!! The Narc was true to form with practically every symptom, every action, even the very words I have come to learn they use. Physical, emotional, sexual, financial, verbal, psychological, these are some of the major types of abuse I have endured. The constant manipulation, deceit, sex addiction, the I’m right, you’re wrong, walking on egg shells, playing mind games, making everything about them, and so much more, it’s so psychotic and surreal. I have been in no contact for 11 months and it’s the best thing I have ever done. For me, the strength relied on knowledge. After extensive knowledge, reading, and researching I hit the nail on the head when I discovered the word and definition of Narcissistic personality disorder. I spent a whole year behind closed doors reading every website, watching videos, speaking to a therapist, and reading over 3 dozen books on the matter. I still am no expert because they maintain many twists and turns in their lives, but I tell you this and I hope it helps you all. Knowledge is power!! Once you begin to diagnose and break down why the Narc is the way they are, you begin to understand and pull yourself out of the abyss. You begin to realize that NOTHING will help them and al those times you were made to feel like crap is all a mere control game they play. So get out as fast as you can and never look back, otherwise it’s a lifetime of enduring pain. I’ll admit, once I learned everything I Knew, I decided to play the game back, but on my terms. I don’t recommend it, but I had to be secure in all the knowledge I had gained. I pulled every trigger to the T. Low and behold, every reaction, every situation and everything in general was on point. This somehow empowered me in realizing, I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t delusional, this is all for real!! We haven’t spoken, nor do I EVER intend to again. I went through the normal emotions of being sad, angry and hate. I honestly have to say, I’m not any of those things anymore. Sad to say, but I’m also not feeling sorry anymore for him. It was a learning experience for me, a true eye opener. Nowadays, I feel nothing when it comes to him. I feel no hate, not sorrowful, nothing, it’s as if I just don’t care anymore about him, sort of like poof he disappeared. The last and final thing for me was one of those usual tirade, blame and I’m going to ignore you bit. Every time I came running back, however not that last time because I felt like I had the upper hand of knowing all the knowledge I had as well as the downfall it will have if I continued. I do admit, I made the mistake of not completely erasing him from my world. Pure mistake on my part, not on purpose. I just didn’t think to block phones, emails and etc.. I just thought, I am away and it’s over. After a month, I received a text, a month after that several gifts in the mail, followed by another text, a card, a phone call and lastly friends of his. All in the 6-8 months after I initiated no contact. At first, I just ignored, then I thought to myself, this has to stop because I really don’t care anything about him, not maliciously I didn’t care, but I truly just don’t care. I came to a point that I changed my number, blocked his emails, canceled facebook, his friends as well, all of it. I left it as if I disappeared from the planet because mainly I don’t want to be bothered. I won’t ever respond and talk with him or anyone in his world no matter what. My advice to everyone is to research and know everything there is to know about NPD and finally get away fast to never look back ever again. This is YOUR life and life is short, live it freely and know that you always deserve better and that doesn’t have to be with someone else, I mean it in general!!!! I wish you all lots of strength, self love and knowledge!!!!

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lifeafter...! says April 20, 2015

A Narcissistic person.

Sure they hurt, you have never experienced the Vampire in sheeps clothing untill you fall under their spell. The man / women you fell in love with is a fraud where you wound up completely lost in fog….! Word being, wtf just happened…to ME…When you begin to choose not to be codepentant the change happens. You start to wake up.
Yes you hv submitted, given, tried, safracifed but its gone……..WHY….! No answer…! You will never get one, ever.! REALLY YOU NEVER WILL… NO CLOSURE & DO NOT DWELL ON IT.

Just remember YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, it hurts like nothing you hv ever experienced before.

After 10 months I am moving on, letting go, forgiving, yes really forgiving.. Did me no good, wasted 10 months of my life……remember LIFE….! You are a good person now chin up, stop crying, moaning & find your peace. You will if you want it. Read so many blogs & they really helped me but you hv to help yourself. Feel for anyone who hooked with a NARC. Just do not repeat history. …!!
Hope you find peace, joy & love in your future. Cause I will & so will you.Smile 😉 xx

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kaz says April 10, 2015

This article makes a lot of sense to me and opens up a lot of pain and hurt at the same time. I am still recovering from a 33 year marriage to a narc who left one day with no remorse no explanation no guilt at all. I do have a question though, I was the one who tried at first to fix our relationship he was civil I guess you could call it for one month until he found his new woman who by the way is very very ugly. Then I lost my shit why did I do that and message quite a bit some nasty some begging looking for answers that never came. I was broken to the point of suicide.
He rang me in the hospital said I was doing this for attention and yes I am seeing someone else
Then he became nasty cold and hurtful I could not take in what he was telling me. He has never loved me ever he never did anything with me or for me because he didnt want to he doesnt like me I controlled him, he did what ever he wanted our whole marriage was on his terms I see that now I was always on eggshells trying to make our lives happy
its been a year and a half and I am slowly finding myself again but why do I still miss him he left me in debt everything was in my name at his request I was on limited income he never offered help he has a pokie addiction and rarely sees or contacts his kids accept on his terms. I know now I am a beautiful person who has been played and im worthy of being loved

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purelysimplewords says April 3, 2015

Reblogged this on purelysimplewords.

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Ann says April 1, 2015

I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am that I found this site. I too just left a narcissist. Mine was the boy next door. We had that high school crush on each other when we were 16. He was the big football star. We reconnected forty years later when I went on to Classmates to RSVP that I would not be attending a high school reunion. Apparently he had emailed me THREE YEARS before but I never saw the email because I don’t go on Classmates. I was elated. I answered it and within five minutes he answered me back. We exchanged a few emails and then text messages and finally phone calls. I was coming out of a divorce. He invited me to come to his town and “heal” (and I use the term lightly) He offered me a job working with his company. So I took the bait. Once we started dating he was Mr. Wonderful. I just want you to heal. Don’t work until you’re ready. You’re so pretty. I can’t believe you’re here. You’ve always been my soul mate. Along with all that BS were the stories about his ex wives and girlfriends. They ALL cheated on him. He was abandoned by his mother when he was two and physically, mentally and emotionally bullied by his father. Right before I reconnected with him he had reconnected with his father. However, while in this relationship he and his father had a falling out. We went everywhere together. He even offered to finance my photography business. He couldn’t wait to meet my kids. Then the degrading fighting started. I went home to be with my children for Christmas Eve. I called him at 5:30 and told him I couldn’t wait to see him in the morning. My drive back to him was 5 hours long. When I returned on Christmas morning I had to endure 8 yes 8 hours of yelling and screaming at me because I didn’t call him after 5:30 the night before. He said this is why I don’t celebrate Christmas anymore. Because I’m always let down. Then he would ask me upon my return if I f*cked my ex husband. I introduced him to my boss at work and he asked me if I was f*cking my boss. The same with a young intern and the police chief. He was extremely crude when it came to sex and if he didn’t get the opportunity I didn’t get kissed the next morning. He would scream in my face so close that I could feel his spit hit my face. He called me “C”, a bully, a drama queen, a bitch and the next morning I would always have an I love you text on my phone as if nothing ever happened the night before. He was a total control freak. He bought me a car to drive in the snow and when he got mad it was “his car”. We were going to buy a new home, which he is moving into today. I suggested hanging our photography on the walls downstairs. His response was “It’s my home and I will decide what goes where”. He accused me of never buying groceries, cooking or cleaning. When I produced $1200.00 worth of receipts and laid out my cleaning day and the meals I cooked he laughed at me. He mimicked me all the time. He told me to shut up. Then came the silent treatment. That was fun. Then he would laugh at me. Last week in the middle of a fight I asked him to please stop. He started laughing at me grabbed his phone and said “Let me take your picture so you can see how stupid your face looks”. He smoked pot every twenty minutes in the evening until he went to bed. He arrived home before me and when I got there he had a glass of scotch in his hand and drank until he went to bed or passed out on the couch. His friends loved me and told him so in front of me. He didn’t seem to want to hear that after awhile but in the beginning he was elated. His daughter in law told me “You are the best thing that has ever happened to M. Finally he met someone who he couldn’t control.” My co-workers watched me crumbling. I didn’t even see it until two weeks ago looking at myself in the mirror I couldn’t believe how broken I looked. Thank God for a co-worker who, unfortunately, had also been abused. She came up to me last Thursday and told me to google “gas lighter”. She saved my life. I broke down at work, went in to my bosses office and resigned. I called my ex husband, God bless him, and he drove 5 hours, helped me load up and I left. The narcissist was no where to be found. He was so angry at me for “throwing him under the bus” at our last counseling session ( I told her about his past, his drinking, his smoking, his abandonment, his abuse, if he wasn’t lying) that he took off for the last week I was there. A Narcissist will run if their secrets are exposed. I told him I was moving out. The night before he left he told me he wanted me out April 1st. I told him I would be out sooner. Well he didn’t have control over that statement. When I left I took only what was mine, put the garage door opener, the key to the mailbox and the key to the house on the counter and never looked back. No note nothing for then he would gain control. I am healing. This hasn’t even been a week, but I am strong. I NEVER thought the boy next door would do this to me. We had history. We were in love all those years. Well thank God I got out before the blood bath started. I now pray for his next victim and I’m trying to pray for him but it’s difficult. The pleading voicemails he would leave when he thought I was leaving. “Honey, don’t go, don’t go please don’t leave me, I love you”. One time when he thought I was leaving he called my cell phone 55 times in a row. I even saw him fake tears when he thought I was leaving. He would never let me talk. He would constantly interrupt. He told me he didn’t want to hear about my work day but then proceeded to talk all about his. I would ask to watch a television show and he would not allow it. He wanted to watch his shows. Sex was all about him. He tried to beat me down. You don’t smile any more, you aren’t happy, you hate me, you don’t love me, you never loved me. I could write for days. He’s a self loather and probably a woman hater as well. The kicker about his father’s abuse is that I just spoke with his best friend of 55 years who told me that he never heard of M’s father abusing him that his father was a great guy. In any case NO NO NO CONTACT. I deleted all pictures, all phone numbers even remotely related to him. I’ve blocked him everywhere I can. My children have blocked him. Everything gone. To me he’s dead. And now I can start living. Not bad for not even being one week from leaving him. Trust me I tried many times to leave. Until I’d had enough it wasn’t going to happen. If you’re still going through this please have enough soon! I pray for you too.

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    Kim Saeed says April 2, 2015

    Thank you, Ann, for sharing your story. I’m sorry for what you went through (I can relate), but I’m so happy to know you have gone No Contact. Your story is an inspiration and I hope many people see it.

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      anon says November 16, 2017

      OMG everything everyone is writing has happened to me but this “. Last week in the middle of a fight I asked him to please stop. He started laughing at me grabbed his phone and said “Let me take your picture so you can see how stupid your face looks” I had this happen to me too!!!! I cried so much after a fight and he took my picture and showed me how horrible ugly I was to him… unbelievable…

      Reply
        Kim Saeed says November 17, 2017

        Hi Anon…sorry that happened to you. I hope you kicked him to the curb.

        Kim

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Kristie says March 27, 2015

Hi Kim, Do Narcs ever really truly love their partners/wife. My narcissistic BF acts like he is all loved up with me, but has all his ex’s as friends on FB and ex wives, and he likes all their statuses and pictures, yet ignores mine. . So it makes me doubt my view on things. I know for sure he is a narc, as he only thinks about himself, and has cheated on his first and second marriage, and other relationships. Incidently everyone at work thinks he is a great laugh! And he is indeed very charming. But I have seen the glare in his eyes, the stare that people describe about narcs.. he also has a heavy porn addiction. Can you advise me on the above issues, to explain these behaviours, many thanks Kristie

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    Kim Saeed says March 28, 2015

    Hi Kristie, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. Based on the information you’ve shared, he certainly seems to be behaving in a narcissistic manner. If he’s truly a narcissist, then no, it’s highly unlikely that he has the ability to truly love.

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Kristie Collinson says March 25, 2015

Hi Kim, I stupidly got involved with a married man, who I work with. He is a classic narcissist, very selfish, said he had cheated on his first wife, and now his second. He doesn’t appear to have any remorse, infact he acts like he was in some way proud of it. I asked him why he cheated, he said “high sex drive, and life is too short”.
He is still friends with all his ex g/f’s and his ex wife, and he tells me that his current wife is very insecure, and always checking his phone.
I know people will judge me, but really I hadn’t been in a relationship for many years, and I was only looking for some fun and thought I could handle the situation. However, after 4 months, I had fallen hook line and sinker in love with him, as he was so nice to me and had all the charm etc. etc.
However, 2 weeks ago I had to go into hospital for an operation, and am still off work. It suddenly dawned on me that I needed to finish things, as my feelings for him were getting to intense, and I knew he would not visit me, and didn’t care enough. I decided to stop contact, deleted and blocked his phone number and Facebook etc.
And though he may of called me, I will never know. But I miss him terribly, even though I know the no contact is absolutely the right thing to do.
So the situation now is when I return to work, I need some advice how to handle this as its going to be awkward with the “no contact” thing.
Please let me know the best way to deal with it, with him.
Thanks, Kristie

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    Kim Saeed says March 25, 2015

    Hi Kristie. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you’re recovering well after your operation. Regarding the NC situation at work – it may feel uncomfortable, but the best approach is to simply ignore him. If you run into him in the break room, just try to pretend he isn’t there. Further, if he’s the only one in there, just turn around and walk back out. If he approaches you, trying to initiate a conversation, try to remain professional and use as little eye contact as possible.

    If it gets to the point where he won’t leave you alone, ask for a transfer to another location (if they exist within your company), or start looking for a new job.

    You may have been hoping for something a bit less challenging, but theses are typically the only options in the case of a co-worker Narc…

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      Kristie Collinson says March 25, 2015

      Hi Kim, bless you thanks so much for your advice. I will do just that. Do Narcs ever really truly love their partners/wife. I am struggling with this, as he acts like he is all loved up with her, and has all his ex’s as friends on FB. So it makes me doubt my view on things. But I know for sure he is a narc, as he only thinks about himself, and has cheated on his first and second marriage, and other relationships. Incidently everyone at work thinks he is a great laugh! And he is indeed very charming. But I have seen the glare in his eyes, the stare that people describe. Oh and did I tell you that he has a heavy porn addiction. Can you tell me anything about this also, as I need as much info in my mind when I return to work. Thanks ever so, Kristie x

      Reply
    Ann says April 1, 2015

    Kristie,
    The best way to deal with him is by NOT dealing with him. It’s important to get that mindset that he just doesn’t exist anymore. I just left my relationship. It hasn’t even been a week. I tried to leave probably ten times in a year and a half. When I was leaving the first time I wrote him a three page letter. He read it and responded “Well this letter isn’t any different than all the others I’ve received”. Please don’t worry about what others may think. You have to save yourself. I have an amazing support group I didn’t even know I had. They all saw what was going on but knew I had to make this decision on my own. They watched me become a former shell of myself and I’m a very strong person. It wasn’t until I saw that I was a former shell of myself that I realized what was going on. Take care of yourself first. That was very hard for me to do because I’m a pleaser but you have to save yourself. Unfortunately, mine was the love of my life, the boy next door. We reconnected after 40 years. I’ve never left a relationship without being friends, however in this particular case that will not work. He’s dead to me. Try to get there if you can.

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stacey says March 22, 2015

I was with my narcissist ex only for a year. I was not happy and I was totally drained. I went from a very independent confident person to a complete mess. I have been off sick from work for three months and I basically cut out most of my friends and family. Three weeks ago something clicked in my head after a number of outbursts from him. And I thought to myself this isn’t me I don’t smile I don’t laugh I don’t do anything anymore . My life and mind is totally consumed with this man. I kicked him out. But the next day I panicked and called him and he arranged to come home which to this day I have no idea why I did this. That night I caught him on dating sites and messaging other girls and when I confronted him for the first time ever he turned violent and tried to strangle me. At the beginning of our relationship my friends and family noticed a significant change in me and my sister decided to contact his ex girlfriend. She told us what he was like and all the things he had put her through but I choose to beleive him. But throughout our relationship in have seen snipets n of what she had said and in my gut I kinda always knew it was the truth. But part of me wanted it to be wrong. She said he will get violent cheat and then just discard tou as if you were nothing. He called her a jelous psycho ex that he never loved and I used to joke saying so if we break up I will be the next psycho ex. His response was i never knew true love existed till I met you and I would never do that to you . Yet here I am in the same position as she was. Just before I confronted him with his infidelity he was sat telling me to trust him with my heart beleive in him I’m his world he would never hurt me and what type of Man do you think I am to which I hen showed him the proof. I didn’t hear from him for a week and I stuck to no contact I also seemed hypnotherapy which seemed to work. Then in the second week I attended hypnotherapy again but the same day I cracked and I contacted him . I think the thing is I read so much on narcissist and have since spoken to his ex girlfriend I expected him to call. Which I still don’t understand why because I don’t want to be with him. I suppose I just felt I wanted the upper hand to be able to say no. Anyway on calling him he was cold and said you kicked me out you made this choice blaming it all on me saying he had changed everything to be with me he is a good man etc. Completely forgetting that he was coming home untill I found messages to other women. And completely forgetting that he had tried to strangle me. He was adament it was over and said it does hurt here is no one else but he has to get on with his life. I am sat here totally confused by it all . Narcissist are said to hoover. Is he playing games or has he got someone else because I can’t understand from what is said about narcissist they hate to be alone so how can he walk away without anything. I know I confronted him and there was no way out for him but usually it says they will return. I know this sounds silly and your proberly asking why would I want him to return but for some sad reason I want him to so I can be the one saying no. I beleived in this man I beleived everything he told me even when I had warnings. He went out of his way to get me to trust him knowing I had trust issues anyway . I felt worshipped and special and I think that’s what kept me hanging on. I keep telling myself I was not happy. And I don’t miss him as such but I feel so alone my family and friends have been fantastic but they just see it as a break up they don’t really understand how much that man got into my head. I keep having thoughts of him with other girls even though I know deep down they will never be happy and they will be in the same position I am one day . When I was wih him I wanted to go to places with my friends and family when invited. But never coukd. But now I’m sat here all alone as people have thier own lives and although I get invited places quite often it’s not all the time and I’m feeling myself pining for him more and more. I don’t partically want to leave the house although to this weekend I have made myself do some decorating but I can’t get him out of my head and I am draining myself . Why do I want him to call? Why can’t I accept what he is? Why do I feel so alone even though when he was here I wasn’t happy? Why do I think of him with somebody else? I feel like I’m going insane. And I just want to stop feeling this way .

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Chris says March 17, 2015

Hi Kim,

I see the #1 tool in dealing with exiting a narcissistic abusive relationship and living again is no contact. Any suggestions on dealing with a narcissistic ex spouse you have to co parent with? While dealing with the emotional, financial, mental and spiritual devastation left in the wake of being a co dependent to a passive aggressive, narcissistic sociopath of an ex spouse is extremely challenging, not being able to employ the A#1 tactic of true ‘no contact’ makes it even more challenging. I find myself exposed to everything I need to avoid at an all too regular basis. No contact isnt going to happen. I need a different tactic, set of tools……whether it is re-training my brain to deal w/ situation differently emotionally and or mentally or training myself to dummy down expectations or training myself mentally for what I’m bound to encounter, because there is almost no way of being involved in my kids’ lives w/o having to deal with their mom and all the bs that goes with it. She can expertly push my buttons…..even now that I’m more aware than ever. I’m still finding it difficult deal with. Just thinking out loud…….I need a simple game plan that I can execute at a moments notice……you know what I mean? Some go to reflexive defense mechanisms. A good defense is a good offense. I need a different skill set. no contact, avoidance isn’t gonna happen.
Any ideas?????

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Connie says March 12, 2015

I need help send me info my guy is in jail 8 years of anise ant to get free hurting so much right now

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    Kim Saeed says March 13, 2015

    What kind of info are you looking for, Connie?

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Gladys Brierley says January 24, 2015

I am a private investigator and I deal with this subject with my clients. It pains me to see the devastation that narcissism brings on a family. I believe it is enhance or even at times established after years of addiction to porn, substances or some other life controlling issue. That person may have found inner healing in a more positive way but instead he or she went to overdosing on some bad habit and then it became all about him or her. I find in my situation my husband and I have children that are narcissists and that has brought much pain in our lives as a blended family. It also hurts our grandchildren because the cycle continues. We have had to put up the no contact sign for years and then would give them another chance and the cycle started over again. Now we are in our 60s and I just don’t think we want to go there anymore. We will be open to our grandchildren when they are able to contact us but after all the extensions of love and forgiveness we are weary in well doing, forgiveness is one thing but reestablishing communication is not lifely. I told one step-daughters husband unless she went into two years of professional counseling I would have no communication with her. While we terribly miss our precious grandchildren, we no longer have to dance on eggshells and watch the horror show of her unfit parenting.

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Island Girl says January 20, 2015

This is amazing advice. It’s as if you knew my ex personally. I did the no contact and he apologized and cried and I let him right back in. He definitely tried to make me pay for the initial no contact. I left and this time, I blocked him on email, text etc. To be honest, I had to do that because I don’t believe I’m strong enough yet to read an apology text from him and not respond. I’m getting stronger daily and advice like this helps me also. Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed says January 20, 2015

    Thank you for reading my post and for sharing. It’s really wonderful that you blocked him because any type of engagement puts you at risk of letting him back in. Further, due to the pathology of Narcissism, they literally cannot learn from their “mistakes” Although using the term “mistakes” is misleading because it implies they don’t have malignant intentions.

    Your best bet is to keep him blocked. They cannot and will not change simply because they don’t have the capability to reflect on how their actions create havoc in their lives. The crying and apologizing aren’t because he’s truly sorry, but because he knows that’s how you’ll forgive him and take him back. It’s best not to leave yourself open for that, so kudos for keeping him blocked because you know you might feel weak. Great job!!

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Steven says January 18, 2015

Hi There..

I just wanted to say thank you for this website and this blog…
My Fiance left me on the 9th of december 2013 and its been hell on me…..this after she told me the day before how much she loves and and and and……every text and phone call after that has been her screaming, shouting and name calling…..Thing like “you are dead to me” “You little sick F%$k” “I will destroy u” those are just some of the terms she used…….I left our home with the clothes i owned and my car and i left everything that we have built and bought together in the past 2 years there…..even our pets which breaks my heart…..I had to go back a week later to get important documents and even that was hell where she couldn’t even look me in the eyes……all she had to say was how bad i was and how needy and clingy i was……bearing in mind i was a strong confident man when i met her and i started doubting myself and my sanity as the relationship progressed…..i have even sought the help of a clinical psychologist…..and thanks to her pointed out that she might be narc after we broke up……I am only on my second week of no contact and i have shut every bit of social media that i was on down completely…….

It feels good that the world does not know what goes on in my life….Its a tough road having to rebuild from scratch but i will get there…..This person has left incredibly deep scars because i trusted her with everything i had in me…..

With that i just want to say thank you……Whenever i feel like i am slipping i come and read the posts on here.

Thankyou.

Steve

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    Kim Saeed says January 18, 2015

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing, Steve.

    Kudos for deactivating your social media sites. These are the downfall of many a victim of Narcissists for a few reasons, but the two main ones are that targets of abuse stay on social media and never successfully implement No Contact. Secondly, social media platforms are another avenue for the Narcissist to carry out their devalue and discard.

    I’m glad you are seeing a psychologist. Have you considered incorporating transformational healing methods such as guided meditations, reiki massage, and/or quanta healing?

    Wishing you the best – Kim

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      Steven says January 18, 2015

      Hi yes i have..I decided to enroll in a complete usui reiki course in two weeks time…its harf to forget about her but know in time that will heal…I miss her….or maybe its the idea of who she was when it started…..so far she has not trued to contact me in two weeks but I know it will happen sooner or later and when it does happen I will not respond at all……she truly hurt me to the core and all I ever did was love her unconditionally. …..I have until this day not even say a bad word to her or about her….she keeps on calling me a narc…….my psycholigist disagrees. …thank u for your support….the guided meditation sounds good…..where can I get hold of something like that

      regards

      steve

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    chankla2 says November 17, 2015

    Amen! Scars for sure on all of us here..
    Guy/Girl NARC same difference…
    Always ABT them they DONT change just adjust a bit to each supply, period.
    Hang tight!
    IT does get better, it does take effort on OUR part…
    N/C ultimate insult to them….
    Love, Peace Normalcy , New Love , Independence
    My soul is mine, I stil believe in love
    NARCS are HOLLOW….
    Blessings…..
    7yrs I wasted w/my male NARC btw****

    Reply
made58 says December 6, 2014

Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.

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Leah says November 29, 2014

My heart is broken , feel Like my world is shattered . My breakup to date is 6 weeks old from a five year relationship. I took my Narc and his children into my home as he lost everything in his divorce . He lived here free helped with a few bills but yes free . I saw therelationship change 2 years ago , no love no empathy no affection and catering to his every need when he gave me nothing .. I lost my job and fell into depression he would watch me cry never a ounce of love sympathy and in financial trouble , my house is in foreclosure my esteem low due to no love . 6 weeks ago had a breakdown and my Narc used me and deserted me , chewed me up literally and spit-me out . Never in my life has anyone treated me this way . Hardest 6 weeks of my life . Just started no contact 3 days ago
What a knot in my stomach and knife in my heart . This truly is the cruelest form of abuse
I thank these sites for helping me through

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    beth smith says July 17, 2015

    I’ll say it again… I can’t believe it took me so long to start questioning what was going on… I see my situation (generally, emotionally, etc…) in every one of yours. To find a community of people who have been through this is priceless.

    Although it will still take time to come out of the other side of my situation (on day 4 of NO CONTACT after a 3-year relationship and approx. the last year of that in this confusing, frustrating, sickening hell), it helps to know it’s NOT ME!

    I feel like a light went on in my world. I can see things clearer, my mood has lightened, I’m a bit more patient than I’ve been, and I’m not thinking about the relationship incessantly. It was really crippling.

    I wish all of the rest of you peace… hang in there, and keep expressing yourselves… talking and sharing in a safe place is an incredible gift and healing tool.

    Peace, bsmithbflo

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Surayya says November 11, 2014

hello Kim , I see my October post still awaits moderation?

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Dianne says November 10, 2014

I’ve had this for 25 years ,& after yet one more adoration & discard phase ,I’ve had many of these cycles over the years!!I finally refused him contact & for the first time called the police after horrible threats & lots of previous violence One of my daughters said he was like a cancer In my heart,& I certainly feel that’s the case,it’s like being stabbed from the inside out…..

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Anonymous says November 10, 2014

Wow so happy I found this site. 15 years and three children with my ex. He left for another woman, had a child to her and left her as well. In the last 6 months has had 3 girlfriends, all of which were “the love of his life” He loves to parade them in my face and that of his kids. Glad to know that although he thinks he’s clever it will bite him on the bum. Thanks for your wonderful work!

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Giving Guy says November 8, 2014

If you love a narcissist—if you really love him—then you have to be strong enough to love him without expecting anything in return. It’s the only way they know how to be in relationships.

As a child, the narcissist-to-be was flooded with praise and attention. This created an impossible standard. So, the child learned that he could “harvest” more affection from his parents by pretending to be the perfect son. In turn, a gap between the True Self (insecure, needs attention) and the False Self (seeks power, adoration, polished appearance, needs nobody) took form. A narcissist doesn’t love himself; he hates himself for not being the Little Prince his caregivers expected him to be. As such, all narcissists—grandiose, covert, et cetera—are very sad people beneath the veneer. By cheating on their partners, exploiting their “friends,” and fooling others, they are expressing the need to be “bad” that was suppressed in early childhood and beyond. (This is also why many narcissists enjoy cruel and/or degrading sex with “whores” outside of their relationships.)

A narcissist CAN change, but it has to be his decision. Unfortunately, most narcissists never realize the paradox of their behavior (i.e., that by being invulnerable, they are actually pushing love away). In rare instances, some narcissists do make an effort to change when they reach their 40s and 50s and realize that their lives are largely devoid of meaning.

If you let the narcissist know that you need him, he will grow bored and abandon you. (Similar to the relationship between a child and his parents, a narcissist need “confident love” from his partner.) In other words, you have to be emotionally and financially independent of him. Whether or not he ever sees the depth of your sacrifice depends entirely on his ability to grow. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, like the other personality disorders, is characterized by a spectrum. If you need to be loved back, then this is not the relationship for you.

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    Teresa says January 7, 2015

    Thank you for the post!! After 18 years of being in a N relationship I have decided to leave and at 62 it was not an easy decision. I really miss him, I somehow keep hanging on to the good times we had early in the relationship. He is still controlling me, everything that I own is with him, I left with the clothes on my back afraid to go back into the house. It has been almost 4 months and I have not heard from him. In my sick mind I keep hoping that he will cal.It is soooo hard, I wonder if I have PTSD

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    Sam says May 27, 2015

    The problem is, most people do not love themselves or have not been given the love they need as children. Narcissists are not always spoiled little brats, they are also abused themselves or grow up believing nothing they did is ever good enough. So they develop low self esteem and are always craving attention of others rather than finding the self love they need. I’ve found that self love finally in my mid 30s but I also think narcissists are born and not necessarily made. I’ve witnessed this in some genuine loving families where you see the one or all children taking on narcissistic traits and you wonder where they came from. You can love a narcissist from afar but like the author of this article is saying, they are constantly after supply. They are predatory in nature and incapable of emotional independence. They consider your energy, your accomplishments, your ideas are theirs. Few are creative and usually take their ideas from others they admire or whatever persona they’re trying to emulate. We need to stop tolerating these traits and expose them for what they are. The worst thing you can do to a narc is expose their lies and show the world who they truly are. Stop sympathizing with the abusers and start seeing the pattern and get off the merry-go-round.

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    2cravings says November 17, 2015

    NPD as a spectrum, as Giving Guy said last November…it would explain how my NARC is, and is not, like the descriptions here. With every post that contains a dissimilar portrayal, I find myself tempted to believe he’s not a NARC. Then I read something eerily familiar. And I have to face the truth.

    I need to decide that, yes, he IS a NARC, look instead for the similarities (that is a very 12-step thing to do, BTW) and learn whatever will keep me in No Contact mode. I know this man is unhealthy for me. I owe it to myself to move on. And I will.

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      chankla2 says November 17, 2015

      These sites are great! I smile as I’m reading more posts on N/C with the NARC!
      Mine was smooth, shady no violence, abuse. Now I know it was all planned.
      Give them what they want, You discard them ,N/C!!!!!
      All that GLITTERS ISNT GOLD, Never
      Remember that!!!! Supply Supply Supply, always moving, yet same pattern…
      Get BK to You!!!!!
      Social Media I cnt stress enough is an illusion!!!! blah blah
      Dont go on SM!!!!
      No they dont care!!!!!
      Learn, force yourself to go forward!
      I promise one day, YOULL look BK an YOULL be on your way to feeling different ABT the NARC……
      Yes I still cry, baffled, its done, THYRE on to the next supply…
      It will come BK around, watch ….
      Strength, Love, To new love, New life
      To Us!!!!
      Blessings to EVRYBODY on this journey!!!!

      Reply