Multitudes of people who’ve implemented No Contact with their Narcissistic partner will inevitably ask the question, Does the Narcissist miss me?
Why? Because they are often consumed with missing the Narcissist, and they wonder if he or she has the same feelings of loss and sorrow…perhaps wondering if there’s a chance to rekindle the relationship.
The short–yet excruciating–answer is no. When we wonder if (or assume that) the Narcissist misses us, we are projecting our feelings of loss and longing onto them. Narcissists do not think the way we do, nor experience the same emotions. They operate solely from ego, so the usual emotions of missing someone or feelings of sadness and regret typically don’t affect them.
Below are the most common stages (emotional and physical) a Narcissist goes through when one has implemented No Contact (**These are not listed in order of rank. These stages are for reference and can manifest in any order, depending on the individual).
1) Anger – When you’ve implemented No Contact with a Narcissist, the first emotion they feel is anger at your attempt to set a boundary. They’ve grown so accustomed to having you under their control that they become indignant when you choose to have an independent thought and act on it.
During the relationship, you became an extension of them, so when you begin to break away and reclaim your conscious thought process they typically go into a rage, although this isn’t always obvious. Oftentimes they’ll conceal the rage in order to fulfill their devastating revenge motives.
2) Silent Treatment – In the Narcissist’s mind, you are still their property and they believe it’s just a matter of time before you come to your senses. Therefore, a common tactic is for them to execute the Silent Treatment. This might seem counterintuitive at first, but the truth is that many people do not implement No Contact in its true form, and often leave their phone, email, and social networks open in case the Narcissist tries to contact them. Then, when the victim doesn’t receive any form of contact from the Narcissist, they begin to think the break-up may possibly have been their fault, after all.
In an ironic twist of events, the victim who implemented No Contact then feels rejected by the Narcissist…and often will contact the Narc with a text or Facebook message. Oddly, the Silent Treatment from the Narcissist then results in the victim asking their abuser to come back to them.
3) Hoovering – Hoovering presents in many forms. Mostly, it’s the Narcissist sending little texts, showing up at your door with flowers, coming to you because they’ve had a “life-changing” epiphany where, through some kind of divine intervention, they’ve been shown the pain and sorrow they put you through and promise to change.
Allow me to break it down for you using a typical hoovering attempt by a male Narcissist:
Scenario: The Narcissist sends you a text and shows up with flowers 20 minutes later. You crack the door and he tells you he loves you and doesn’t want anyone else. He manages to squeeze out a tear or two and admits he hasn’t been perfect, but he is willing to try to change for the sake of the relationship.
Your internal dialogue: “He must really care about me. He’s finally seen the error of his ways, and he’s obviously sorry for the way he’s treated me all this time. Thank goodness. This is great! I forgive him and love him more than ever.” You open the door and throw your arms around him.
His internal dialogue: “Damn. Those flowers were friggin’ expensive. Why am I doing all this hard work? Oh yeah, finding new supply would cost more than the flowers, what with the dinner dates and such. I guess I’m getting off pretty cheaply here. I can’t believe she’s falling for this…again. But oh man, is she gonna pay for doing this No Contact thing.” He forces a smile and returns the hug, which doesn’t seem as genuine as yours.
4) The “Torn” Lover – He’s already shacked up with a new mistress, whom he says he just met, but in reality has been seeing for the past few months behind your back. He tells you he was so lonely when you implemented No Contact, that he defenselessly fell into the arms of a new lover. But, he still somehow loves you and wants to make it work.
The scoop: What’s happened is he found out the new lover doesn’t have as much money as he thought, can’t support him, and/or gave him a little lip when he tried to test the boundary-breaking waters.
Or, maybe she can support him, but he needs to get in a good devalue and discard before leaving you in a heap of raw nerves on your living room floor.
Whenever a “new” lover enters the scene, don’t fall for his “torn between two lovers” act. You are being played and triangulated and need to go full-out No Contact.
5) Jekyll and Hyde: If he’s really sociopathic, once you fall for the feigned remorse and let him in, he immediately drops the mask and makes you pay for implementing No Contact. This could be in the form of a verbal assault, or physical. If the latter happens, call the police at your first opportunity. There’s only more to come.
What He Really Misses
- He misses having someone take complete care of him; the “special treatment”.
- He misses not being able to be himself. He can’t do that with new supply.
- He misses not having someone to take his frustrations out on.
- He misses having someone to mop off his stage, all while paying the bills.
- He misses having an adoring, compliant partner.
- He misses being “God”.
- He misses not having adult responsibilities.
As you can see, all the above have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the Narcissist. It’s all about their ego and having control. These are the only two things that make up the Narcissist’s inner-self.
When you implement No Contact, it’s the ultimate form of Narcissistic injury, and they will do whatever is necessary to gain back control, and then devalue and discard you. That’s why implementing No Contact in its true form is critical when detaching from a toxic, emotionally abusive partner. Remember those points of entry from #2? Don’t leave them open. You will only regret it in the end…every. single. time.
Copyright © 2014 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach. All Rights Reserved