The False Illusion – Don’t Break No Contact this Easter Sunday

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Apr 20

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If you are of the Christian faith, Easter is a day of celebration, remembrance, and gratitude.  Many people will go to Church and spend the day with their families, perhaps having a wonderful Easter feast with their loved ones.

Here in my small town of Roanoke, VA, the sun is shining, the birds are out, and it looks like a wonderful day to walk in the park.  I will spend some time with my sons, being grateful that I’m no longer under the toxic influence of a Narcissist.

However, for those still trapped in the twisted games of an emotional predator, Easter (or any holiday) will be a time of sorrow, grief, and misery.  The holiday may present you with the following possibilities:

1)  If you haven’t implemented full No Contact, the Narcissist will use Easter as an opportunity to Hoover.  He or she will take advantage of your festive mood by “checking in”, wishing you a Happy Easter, saying they miss you and/or the kids, and perhaps even trying to drop by with a gift of some sort.  They will appear as innocent as a lamb, with the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen.  Instantly, you’ll forget about all the abuse and believe there’s a chance for an improved future with them.  Everything you’ve learned about Narcissism up to this point will be forgotten like those French lessons you took in college.

Don’t fall for it.  You implemented No Contact for a reason.  Remember Easters past?  How they destroyed every one?  The only time they are on good behavior during a holiday or any special occasion is when they are baiting you.  They know you are feeling compassionate and forgiving, especially if you’ve plans for Church.

God does want us to forgive, but he doesn’t want us to submit to mistreatment.  Please visit Leslie Vernick’s site if you are struggling with what God wants from you in the midst of an abusive relationship.  You might find that what you believed about forgiveness could very well be misguided. As a point of reference, Leslie explains what the Bible says about an abusive husband:

“When a wife refuses to submit to her husband’s sinful behavior, or stands up for her children who are being mistreated, or refuses to sign a dishonest income tax report, or calls 911 when her husband is threatening to harm her or himself, she is doing good even if it doesn’t feel good to her spouse.

Her behavior honors God, protects her children as well as acts in the best interest of her spouse.  (It is never in someone’s best interests to enable sin to flourish.).”

2)      If you are still inside the relationship, you know how this will go.  Even if you have the impression as of now that it might go okay, the holiday isn’t over yet.  There will be an action that will catch you off guard.  It might happen as you’re leaving Church, after your Easter feast, or sometime this evening.  The only exception is if you’ve expressed the desire to leave the relationship.  Then they will be on good behavior, but it won’t last.

The Narcissist not only wants to catch you off guard in order to keep you under their control, they especially dislike religious holidays because they think they should be the one revered.  They don’t want people to be happy if they aren’t the cause of it.

Regardless of outside appearances, the Narcissist is never happy.  They want to bring people down to their emotional level, which includes self-loathing, rage, and feeling inhuman.  If you are to feel any type of happiness, it will have to be at their hand, so they will often bring you to a low point on a holiday, then attempt to bring you back up.  Only then are you allowed to be happy because they are the cause of it.  However, just as often, they will simply leave you feeling hopeless for the rest of the day.

Be Your Own Best Friend and Give Yourself the Gift of Freedom

Whether you are struggling with maintaining No Contact today -or still inside the relationship -do yourself a favor.  Think of one thing you can do to improve your life.

For No Contact:  If you haven’t yet blocked them, go into your cell phone right now and do so.  Not only will you feel a sense of empowerment, you will be able to enjoy the rest of your day without fear of their ruining it.  Don’t worry about how the Narcissist will react.  This is your holiday.  Whether you are with family or alone, celebrate the reason for Easter and the hope for renewal.  Yes, your life can be different.  All it takes is a one-second decision and the act of blocking them.  It’s so simple, yet sometimes the hardest thing to do.  Don’t be fooled by false memories of happiness with the Narcissist.  It’s your mind playing tricks on you because you’re addicted and you’ve been brainwashed.  Each time you recall a false memory of happiness, retrain your brain by remembering an especially vile thing they did to you.

(If they come knocking on your door, this is their attempt to disrespect a boundary, though they want it to look like they “just want to see you”.  Don’t be fooled.  Simply ignore them.  If you have children, take them into a room where you can’t hear the knocks at the door and play a silly game or sing a song, etc. to take your mind off the door.  If the Narcissist won’t go away, you’ll need to inform them that if they don’t leave, you will be forced to call the authorities.  It might seem harsh, but isn’t it harsh that they won’t respect your desire to be away from them?

If you’re still in the relationship:  Whether you are married with children or married without, engaged, or otherwise in a relationship with an abusive Narcissist, think of one thing you can do that could start your path to freedom.  You don’t have to act on anything today.  Simply be prepared for their games, and plant a seed.  Do you have the money for a deposit on a new apartment?  Can you visit your local Domestic Violence center and ask about transitional housing?  What about contacting a lawyer for a free consultation?  Just plant the seed…

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(20) comments

bradyparker April 22, 2014

For some reason I had posted and it is not working. Sorry if it gets reposted. My Easter morning consisted of a text from my ex narc husband. Quick background; divorced for 6 months so far and living separate for 5 months. Courts here thinks it is better to keep family together until house sells. It’s not. It was emotionally horrible for me and my two kids. Anyhow, Easter morning I got a text regarding my 8 year old and not listening over the weekend. Also in the text was how he had asked her (an 8 year old) when she would be comfortable meeting his “girlfriend”. He also informed me that the two of them
Had been talking about it. I told him how happy I was he found someone. Then he continued, of course, not making it about him but about the kids and how we need to communicate. So that was my Easter on top of not having my kids during the holiday. He continues to hurt me. On Monday previous, him and I had a blow out on the phone regarding me not following the decree. I told him to take me back to court and after a half hour phone call he then said “he wants to be friends and be able to rely on each other for the kids”. He doesn’t get it. I don’t want to be friends, I want to follow the decree and have him out of my life. I don’t trust him.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 22, 2014

    If you’d like to contact me at letmereach@yahoo.com, I might be able to offer some helpful advice that can help avoid the emotional drama so that you can start to recover from the brainwashing and twisted games…

    Reply
Amy April 22, 2014

I just ran across this website. It hit home for me. Divorced from narcisstic ex for 6 months and living separate for 5 months. I got hit Easter morning with a text about he had talked to our oldest child (8 year old) about when she will be comfortable meeting his “girlfriend”. He just wanted to let me know so I know what they have been talking about. She is 8, she doesn’t know when she will be comfortable. But he had to attempt to ruin my Easter with news of a girlfriend. Not that spending Easter without kids was bad enough. He is using the kids as his form of supply. I keep texts and emails but have been told the courts here don’t care about controlling, verbal and emotion abuse. He all of a sudden wants to be friends and I don’t trust him. I feel hopeless even after finalizing the divorce and moving into my own house.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 22, 2014

    Amy, being that it’s 6 months out, your feelings are very natural, although I know it’s confusing because we know the Narc no good, yet still get baited into the emotional drama…I can relate completely.

    I’m going to post an article today that might have some useful info to help you focus on your recovery. Also, feel free to reach out anytime via email…

    Reply
Marilyn D. April 20, 2014

Glad to know you use Leslie Vernick as a resource. Hers is excellent, sound counseling, and very helpful. Now I understand why you get it right! 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

    🙂 Thank you, Marilyn. Her site has been very helpful to me during my journey and I’m sure to anyone who visits her site, as well.

    Thanks for stopping by 😀

    Reply
Stacy T April 20, 2014

I want to crawl and cry, yet scream for letting myself get roped in again. Why won’t I learn? He makes each come back declaration so convincing.

Reply
Marilyn D. April 20, 2014

Easter blessings to you today! Thank you for your messages, which help keep me from getting fooled and sucked back in, and encourage me to persevere in No Contact. The recovery / renewal part God has been faithful to provide!

Reply
Dawndie April 20, 2014

Why am I the one hurting today. Why can’t I get over him. He is an awful person. 6 months away from him. 5 with no contact orders, I just want to contact him. He posts all this ridiculous religious crap on his Facebook about god, when he isn’t a believer. I know after 18 years. What is wrong when me?

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

    Dawndie,

    These thoughts and feelings are a natural result of being in an abusive relationship. It’s no secret that Narcissists condition their targets to take their abuse.

    What are you doing to take care of yourself? Do you get out? Do you get massages and do guided meditations? These things might sound cliche, but they really do work if you practice them on a regular basis. Let me know if you’d like some tips…

    Reply
      Dawndie April 21, 2014

      I’m falling apart even after 6 months. He has created a circus battle in court because I have successfully gotten a restraining order and 3 child protection orders. I’ll take any help I can get. His attorney has made me feel like I am the perpetrator now

      Reply
Stacy T April 20, 2014

What a perfect reading today. I made the mistake of not trusting my gut and got blasted today. I chose to leave my family, who live in SC, to return home to VA to spend Easter w the narc. Only to be put down and left so he can spend Easter w his family. Funny I’m considered his family when it is convenient for him and his kids. Today is my Rising. Enough. 6 yrs of yo-yo existing is taking it’s toll. Everything is my fault and my side or feelings are never right, except when he is weezling his way back in w false promises and broken dreams.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

    I can totally relate. Been there, got the T-shirt.

    I hope this experience will be what catapults you into leaving the Narc for good. Best wishes and feel free to reach out at any time.

    Reply
thenarcissistwrites April 20, 2014

Good luck holding strong!

Reply
Laura Ellsworth April 20, 2014

I so badly want to go NC with him. Sadly he still gets visitation and unsupervised at that! Thankfully I have primary custody, but this morning when I asked him to please see that 7 yo works on her book report some today, he goes from being sarcastic to downright abusive, ridiculing me and my parenting.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

    I can relate, Laura. I also have primary with my son’s dad having visitation. However, since the last custody hearing, he hasn’t been abusive because I requested to have it put the court order.

    I wonder if it would help if you visit a Domestic Violence center and ask them if there’s anything you can do legally so that he can’t keep harassing and abusing you…

    I’m sorry you are going through that. At one point, I had blocked my Ex from everything except the land line. Only since the hearing did I open on email acct to him for the purpose of communicating about our son. If he starts harassing again, it’s getting blocked again…

    Reply
      Laura Ellsworth April 20, 2014

      I only let him use the cell phone. He doesnt have the land line number. (He had turned the old one off before he took his bimbo to the company Christmas party instead of me, so no one from work could call me to get my side of the story I presume.) Ive emailed the conversation verbatim to my lawyer, so maybe we can do something at our next court appearance.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

        Keeping my fingers crossed for you. Feel free to email me if you ever need support 🙂

        Reply
Struggling this Easter Sunday | Kinkementary Thoughts: Online Dating, Relationships, and Sex. Tips, Advice, Articles, and Videos. April 20, 2014

[…] http://letmereach.com/2014/04/20/the-false-illusion-dont-break-no-contac…     […]

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 20, 2014

    Thank you for the re-blog 🙂

    Reply
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