Dear Kim – How Can I Get Over The Excruciating Pain from Being Discarded?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

May 01
Q&A Tuesday

Whether you were discarded by your toxic partner, or left them due to manipulation and emotional / financial abuse, recovering from the relationship can seem next to impossible.

By the time the relationship is over, you’ve been made to feel that you’re unworthy of affection, faithfulness, or happiness. Everything they loved about you in the beginning became your flaws.  You found yourself perpetually defending your every thought and action, including those made from innocent intent.

The pain you are feeling consists of: feeling rejected, discarded, not feeling good enough, feeling unattractive, that no one else would want you except for money or sex, and that even your own friends and family don’t love you.  You obsess about your Ex night and day, just praying for the pain to stop, wondering what you could have done differently to keep their love and “save” the relationship.  Some victims become so distraught that they accept their partner having other lovers, and allow themselves to become a back-up for the Narcissist’s whims.

I know how that pain feels.  I endured it nearly every day for almost a year.  I didn’t begin to feel relief until I implemented Extreme Modified Contact, and began to understand that none of the things my Ex wanted me to believe about myself were true.  Further, I did a lot of self-work to change my thoughts when they reverted back to incidents that made me feel badly about myself based on things my Ex said to me.

Below, I offer some of the steps that I took to heal.  You may find some of the suggestions helpful, and you may discover that you’d like to experiment with other methods.  However, the first and only step towards healing is implementing No Contact or Extreme Modified Contact.  I receive a lot of emails from victims who believe they’ve implemented No Contact, yet their Ex is still emailing, texting, or sending messages on social media platforms.  That’s why they haven’t begun to heal. (If you’ve implemented NC in its true form, your Ex wouldn’t be able to call or text you). If you have implemented No Contact, you can skip down to “Behind The Curtains”.

Step #1 – No Contact

If you are still allowing your abuser to contact you, the first thing you need to do is implement No Contact.  If you don’t have children together, there is no reason to keep a line of communication open for them.   Victims often convince themselves they have a valid reason for maintaining contact, but if that’s a choice you make, you should do so with the understanding that healing absolutely will not begin as long as you still have contact with your abuser.  Further, things will continue on in the same manner (Hoover, Devalue, Discard… infinity).

If you have Modified Contact (which is strictly for cases of shared custody or visitation), it’s very easy to slip back into discussing the past or other topics that don’t involve the children.  Don’t do that.  It’s only a form of Narcissistic supply, and also brings back the feelings of needing closure, which you will not get from the Narcissist.  Closure is something you’ll need to give yourself.  How?  I offer suggestions in my article, Narc Recovery Boot Camp.

Is No Contact hard?  Yes.  Quite possibly the hardest thing you will do in your life because you’re likely still in love with the Narcissist.  I was.  But I later discovered that what I thought was love was really C-PTSD, trauma bonding, and codependency.  Since my Ex had isolated me from friends and family, he became the center of my world.  He’d give me small bits of “praise” and then snatch them away again.  In turn, I became hypersensitive to needing his approval.  In fact, I felt that if I didn’t gain it, my world would be over. Ironically, though I received validating statements from other people, they didn’t matter because the statements didn’t come from my N-Ex.

This is the place in which the Narcissist leaves their victims when the relationship is terminated, regardless of who ends it.  There is no closure, and that’s partly why it’s so painful and excruciating.  You’re stripped of all hope, confidence, and self-esteem and then thrown out into the world feeling like a leper…craving and dreaming of the Narcissist’s approval like a druggie needing their next hit.

That’s precisely why you will not heal until you initiate No Contact.  As long as there is communication with the Narcissist, you will continue to feel like that unwanted leper.

Behind the Curtains

What you may not realize is that those feelings of unworthiness, unattractiveness, failure, and feeling like a familial and societal outcast aren’t factual.  They only feel true because you believe them, based on things the Narcissist said to you, but it’s all an illusion.

The Narcissist wanted you to believe negative things about yourself because that’s the only way they could blame you for everything, and simultaneously have you believe everything was your fault, too!  It’s also how they ensure you will be waiting for them in the event they decide to come back and cast down crumbs before you.

Some situations may seem to enhance these beliefs.  Perhaps your family stopped communicating with you, but upon closer inspection, did you withdraw from them first?  Did you get angry because they tried to tell you the Narcissist was bad news?  Were they appalled because your children were forced to endure mistreatment at the hands of the Narcissist?  I’d be willing to bet that as soon as you leave your abuser for good, your familial relationships will improve.  It might take time and effort, but it can (and usually does) happen.

Or perhaps you’re overweight, so you feel that no one else would even look at you (in the Narcissist’s taunting words).  Maybe you’ve put on a few pounds, but this is very common in victims of Narcissistic abuse.  When your thyroids and adrenal glands are fried, you’ve developed insomnia from anxiety, and your cortisol levels are high due to constant stress, you naturally gain weight.  Some people are also emotional eaters, adding more pounds.  But these things can be corrected.  The fact is that the biggest catalyst in your weight gain was the Narcissist.  Take away the source, and you will eventually lose the weight.

It’s essential to remember who you were before you met the Narcissist.  That is the real you.  The person you believe yourself to be now is a false product of the Narcissist’s making.  Have you ever heard of a person leaving or being discarded by a Narcissist and feeling attractive, successful, popular, and a wonderful parent?  No, no one has…because the main goal of the Narcissist is to make their victims feel the opposite.  Once you initiate No Contact and understand that the Narcissist’s goal is to tear you down, the FOG will begin to lift and healing will be in sight.

(*Don’t forget to check out How Breaking No Contact Can Hurt You in Court)


Do you have a burning question about your partner’s dubious behaviors?  Submit them to support@letmereach.com and your question will be entered into our database and possibly included in a future publication. 

No Contact Coaching & Mentoring services are available.  Click here to learn more.

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2014

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(51) comments

Gina April 11, 2017

Thank you Kim. This is so crucial to really think about who you were before you got into this mess. Once the fog clears, you realize you weren’t crazy or this mean psychotic bitch after all! It’s funny that nobody else around me thinks I’m this crazy insane suicidal person (even the exes that aren’t N’s that I’m still friendly with) that my ex N guy friend claims I am. In fact, my “true” friends are actually coming out and supporting me full force and I actually do have a team behind me and I’m not alone, even though a lot of times I feel alone. Before the fog, I was a highly empathetic, caring, nice, fun and emotionally stable person. We all were before the N yet they twist their behaviors in a way to make YOU feel that you were the fault to their whole world crushing down. We all know now that we didn’t create their lies and false self, we only exposed them and demanded they take ownership for their actions. Being discarded is by far the most emotional pain I have experienced in my life because I loved this person for many years. At times, I slip and reach out to him because I’m hoping to find closure but in reality, I know it will never happen. Being discarded by a loved one does sting like a million hornets but it also makes us stronger and it enhances the positive qualities that the N was attracted to from the beginning. I find that I love even bigger, I appreciate things much more in a positive light, It got me to improve on my own self and to be more open to others.

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kiki June 3, 2015

Its been almost 3weeks since he said its over yet its been 2days since contact has ended completely and since I’ve accepted that its over.
He took me out for dinner in the period of breaking up with me, went to his home made love then in the morning after talking through everything he just breaks up with me all over again.

I have almost lost my mind and I’ve definitely adopted crazy behaviour to the extent which I font even recognise myself or my actions.

I don’t understand HOW he can just evict me out of his life like I was nothin!!!

I need counselling as I can’t fo this alone, the pain is unlike any other I’ve ever encountered, I’ve been in bed for 3weeks not washed, not eaten

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    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Kiki, have you been to a therapist? How are you faring since you left your comment?

    Reply
NoContact Warrior March 31, 2015

Kim,
Ok, NOW after reading your article, DOING NO/CONTACT (FOR REAL). I had the ex-N BLOCKED for 10 days, after my last response was something like No Couple’s counseling/ No Contact. After I confronted him about my suspicions of his cheating in the previous sentence, &
told him that Now I KNOW why he never
was willing to change his FB status from Single, after 3 frickin YEARS! I didn’t mention the 3 yr thing though. But, he
had dumped me by going MIA for a 2n
time after, God forbid I mentioned that I
as feeling hurt/angry. See, he lives in AZ, I live in NJ, he had broke his promise that he was going to visit me 2xs! And when I had asked him when is he going to visit me, because if he’s not willing to do that, than what the Frick Are We Doing? And are we just “in love” with the “image” of the person who we (think) the other person is, & not the actual person?. I see now I that he was future faking me, & “mind screwing” me in order to get what he wanted in the present. He also
was most likely “grooming ng his new, or “recycled” supply when we had that
fight. I was NEVER allowed to DISAGREE with him, except during those “honeymoon moments”, if I did, even in the most “respectful way”, I would be told that I was “picking a fight, & he doesn’t want to fight. Lif’s too short, and who wants to be “fighting” all the time. Or who arewants to be with a person where there is fighting all the time. (A.K.A. Narc Threat that I’m warning you that if you disagree with me, I will leave
you.) He would blame it on his childhood, that his parents always put him in the middle of their fights. EXCUSE! You’re 58 frickin yes OLD, get therapy for that, because THAT’S NOT NORMAL!In the “honeymoon moments, which I see NOW were just moments, he would tell me that he’s sorry, and that he’s not perfect, and that he would work on bein more “empathetic” to my needs. Because I had told him that I can’t be with someone who I couldn’t agree to disagree with, and that I grew up WALKING ON EGGSHELLS I’m my
abusive home, and I would not do that with a boyfriend. So, if he was mad. I asked him to “tell me he needed space,
because if I don’t hear from him, I would consider it a “breakup”. He agreed, but
then in the FINAL stab to my heart, after I had only said that I wadfeeling hurt and angry, he said , “My mother just had eye surgery. I can’t (fight) with you right now. I told him that,”If I had known beforehand that I would be denied the rights of compromise & conflict resolution, I would never have signed on the dotted line. Those are rights I have, being your girlfriend.”No response, I texted hi once & then called him once leaving a voicemail hat if we have broken up, I thin

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Sandra February 11, 2015

Hello Kim, I just came across this article. It sounds so familiar. I am 40 trying to move on after being “discarded”.. I was not familiar with narcissistic behaviour so far and blamed myself for the break up – as my ex bf does. My 55 year old ex bf (divorced twice) and I started dating a year ago, we talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before meeting in person. He moved very fast, told me he “loved” me after our 3rd phone talk.. made me feel like he could not live without me, told me “he was my man”, “we belonged together” made future plans, etc. He got out of his last relationship with a 27 year old woman two years ago and told me he thought “love wasn’t out there for him anymore before he met me”. During the time of getting to know each other on the phone, I noticed his emotional ups and downs, he sometimes came across very needy and desperate, other times he called me names and felt insulted whenever I addressed my own needs or feelings. It was always “in my head”, he even went as far as calling me names like “ill”, “sick twisted mind”, just to give me the silent treatment for days before he would call again saying that the connection we “have is too precious than to throw it away”. After finally spending some time together, he suddenly asked me to “be patient with him” before New Years Eve, as he “needed space to think about his feelings”. He basically disappeared from my life for three weeks. I was ready to give him the “space” he needed, we went no contact for three weeks with occasional emails, he replied only once how he feels “I am not his type – despite the genuine love he felt for me” during our phone conversations, (I am 5’6, slim, shoulder length hair, I don’t consider myself “ugly”). Three weeks later he asked me to meet him at a cafe to “chat” a bit. I went there happy to see him again, ready to not push him, but as soon as he sat down he started accusing me of his “disappointment”, that I cannot imagine how he feels, what he felt on the phone was “genuine and true” but “he doesn’t feel attracted to me in person” and will always stay “true to himself no matter how I might feel or think about it”. (can you say selfish?) It was an awkward situation..there was no emotional connection anymore, he was cold as ice. we didn’t know what to talk about and he always texted and checked his phone. Turns out he hooked up with his high school sweetheart during the three weeks of our “no contact” phase.. they’ve always stayed “friends” and he is now head over heels with her. He moved on so quickly without showing any emotions for what “we” had. I take full responsibility for ignoring the “red flags” I got, for not paying attention to my intuition. I was literally addicted to the intimate conversations with him, the “deep connection” he made me believe we had.Although I think of him every day, I slowly recover from the heartache and feeling I was not “attractive” or good enough for him and try to move on with my life. Logic tells me he is a narcissist, but it is hard to move on when you still feel like you love a man although he wants nothing more to do with you and already moved on very quickly. I am still confused if a person can pretend a “genuine connection” like he did or if it was real and he threw it away because I didn’t meet his “dating criteria/preferences”? He completely disappeared from my life. Any advice on how to move on and get my mind clear? I feel very humiliated as a woman and blame myself for the things he did. Thank you so much.

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Katekiss January 13, 2015

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for almost 4 years. We have a 2 year old together.
My oldest daughter and I have been in counseling (with a wonderful therapist I might add) for over a year.
Although we(narc and I) were not living together, we still considered ourselves a couple. This July I managed to get pregant with a 2nd child with him.
At the time, he was drinking heavily, got in an auto accident and had no insurance so ended up with a huge bill to other driver’s insurance. He even quit his job because he got angry with his boss for not paying him enough to afford auto insurance.
To make a long story short, I basically told him he needed to stop drinking and get a job if he wanted to continue as a family.
I was able to stay strong and not allow him to come back thanks to therapy! if not, i would probably be marrried to him and be supporting 3 and 2/3 kids.
I would wake up in the mornings to text after drunken text basically degrading and belittling me.
It was obvious he was still drinking and obviously not working. Meanwhile, my pregnancy continued.
I went to my appts. I didn’t tell him about them, which maybe I should have. I have a lot of regret about that now.
On Nov. 25, my best friend of over 25 years called me and told me she needed to talk to me. Instead she sends a text informing me she has fallen in love with my N. The father of my two year old and unborn baby.
Now to me the relationship was not over. Apparently since I have him some ultimatums, he decided to end it and discarded me in the most heartbreaking way I can think of. He started messaging my friend on Facebook. Of course neither of them meant for this to happen….
All the emotions other people are describing I can relate to. I still love him and even told him to come back. Instead, he goes on and on about the ways I hurt him and denied him and that he can’t be with someone like this.
I’m not sure what my “friend” is thinking. I never thought in a million years that she would ever do anything like that. In fact, she always thought he was awful and was my main shoulder to cry on throughout my relationship with my N.She called him nuts several times and didn’t want her daughter around him. He’s now living with them.
At first he was coming around and I even slept with him a few times, which was a mistake. It has been almost a week since I got so much as a text. The last one “Is something wrong? How r u?”
I’ve been reading about hoovering and narc and the new woman etc.
I just would like to get some advice on how to handle the situation at the hospital? When do I let him know about the baby? Before or after delivery. I am 33 weeks along so I need to make some serious decisions!
I haven’t read about any situations as soap opera like as this!
Any advice?

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RecoveringSiri December 2, 2014

Hello Kim. I am going through a very difficult time coping with being discarded from my husband, who I believe suffers from Discouraged Borderline Personality Disorder, with traits of narcissism (such as silent treatment, repetitive cheating, constant chaos and drama, enraged outbursts). For 5 out of 7 years, I have been emotionally, mentally, verbally and physically tortured by him and his ways. I have also been repeatedly used and abused financially by him. But more than anything, I have experienced a lot of cheating and infidelity and the silent treatment. It’s really difficult and embarrassing to admit, but I still miss him terribly. He has cheated for a long time and has even given me the silent treatment numerous amounts of times, but he never fully and completely discarded me…until now. The woman that he has been cheating with for a few years now (who I believe suffers from Grandiose Narcissist Personality Disorder, as well as Impulse Borderline Personality Disorder) has recently had a baby girl. She claims the child is his and even though he knows (and has outwardly said) that she is a habitual liar And manipulator, he still has chosen to accept the child, who is 11 months now, as his daughter. The woman has always had more control over him than me and it was easy to see. He’d let her do things that he wouldn’t let me do or he’d do things for her that he wouldn’t do for me anymore. He claimed it was mainly because if she didn’t get her way, she’d have a tantrum (and from what I noticed, even up and leave and ignore him) and get on his nerves until he’d give in. As much as he constantly complained about her and her behavior and all of the drama she was causing, he would always go back for more. It never made sense to me. But when I stopped to think about it, he was chasing her like I was chasing him. It’s so crazy and sad, really. But anyway, when he had some suggestive evidence of the fact that she might be being intimate with others, he was trying to completely discard her. That drove her crazy. She obsessively called him and he wouldn’t pick up. Finally, about 2 months later she came out saying she was pregnant and it was his. He doubted it from the very get go, but never had a DNA test done. He loves that little girl and tries to be a great father, the one he never had. Not only did he have an absent father figure, but him and his mother were close until she married his step dad, who was controlling towards him and his mom (But only after he married her) and instead of leaving, she stayed (is still with him now) and pretty much does whatever he says. So as much as he loves her, he feels she chose her husband over him. He has always so ugh out her love and respect, but always have fallen short in some way. He never feels good enough. Anyway, Kim, I miss him terribly. It’s so painful. He won’t talk to me at all and the woman makes sure of that. She is more controlling than ever now that she has what he loves so much…. A child. I guess I wanted to know 2 things… is there any possibility that he will try to contact me, considering the situation? And would rebuilding his relationships with his parents help him change his ways?

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    Kim Saeed December 3, 2014

    RecoveringSiri,

    I’m very sorry to hear of your situation. I can only imagine how painful it must be.

    To answer your questions: it would really depend on the level of Narcissism he has, if any. The tricky part is whether he indeed has BPD or NPD. He certainly seems to have engaged in several Narcissistic behaviors. Secondly, his rebuilding his relationship with his parents would have to be something he wanted.

    I think the best thing for you would be to get into counseling for emotional abuse. I have two colleagues that might be of help. One, you could sign up for Melanie’s free webinar that’s on the 15th of the month for 3 keys to Recovery from Narcissistic abuse, and you could contact Dr. Jenner via the above tab. He offers a 60-minute free consultation for Inner Child Healing and I believe he could also help with any codependency you might suffer from.

    Best wishes for your recovery.

    Reply
      RecoveringSiri December 3, 2014

      Thank you for responding Kim. I appreciate it very much. And yes, he has always wanted to have a much closer and better functioning relationship with both his mother and his biological father and he has even reached out to both before in the past concerning this issue and he never got any progress with them so he gave up trying, but I believe he still wants those relationships deep down inside, but he just doesn’t try anymore because he began to believe that he could never and would never get any progress based off of the past rejection he experienced with them.

      He once told me that he tried to talk to his mother about how their relationship had drastically changed for the worse and how they were no longer as close as before she got married to his step father (who is an insecure, controlling narcissist, I believe. And the mother does whatever it is that he says). He was asking his mother if they could try to work on their relationship. He said that his mom said that she believed that nothing had drastically changed and that he was being paranoid or maybe even jealous, but that nothing had changed. But she told him she would try to work on their relationship and do better, but she never really did. She stayed preoccupied and consumed with her career and her husband.

      As far as his biological father, he hardly had any relationship with him at all. His father had left his mother when she was pregnant and went off to play basketball and tried to further his basketball career and never focused on being a father for his child. He never helped support his child financially, mentally, or emotionally. He was never there for him or his mother at all. My husband said he has only visited him like 2 or 3 times in his entire existence. He said there was a time when he visited his dad for the first time when he was younger and that his dad was drunk and had violently abused him by slapping him and pushing him. Still to this day, he has never told anyone that, but me. He has never told his mother or any of his family members. After that, he never wanted to go visit his dad again. But as he grew up, he realized that he still wanted to have a decent relationship with his father so in his earlier 20’s I had encouraged him to try to reach out to his father. He was scared and reluctant but he did it. At first, it seemed like his father was actually trying to build something good with him. They would have long conversations on the phone, etc. But after a while (very shortly…like weeks later) his dad stopped returning his phone calls and texts. Every now and then he would respond on Facebook, but it would be short. So to my husband it seemed as though he was being thrown to the side and ignored and not loved or cared about again. He felt that his father only loved and cared about his current family and not him and he’s always wondered why his father never cared about him in the same way.

      So yes, Kim, I believe he wants those relationships with his parents, but it so difficult for him to obtain. And yes, I believe he has high Narcissistic traits, but I think he may have more of Borderline traits. It is just so odd because with me it seemed like he had high Narcissistic traits but with the other woman, it seems like he has more of Borderline traits because he has given up a lot of control to her (which she suffers from Grandiose Narcissist Personality Disorder and Impulse Borderline Personality Disorder, I believe) She is wayyy more extreme than him and I put together. I feel like if he was a full blown Narcissist, he’d never allow her to have as much control as he gives her. I suffer from Co-dependent Personality Disorder and also traits of Discouraged Borderline Personality Disorder and I guess that is why I am always so focused on him getting better and being happy, even after being discarded by him. I have many family issues that stem from childhood and I know and accept this. I begin Psychotherapy next week and I can’t wait. I hope to really focus on my core trauma and to do an extensive program to help me break away from my dependency issues.

      I can’t lie, Kim, I miss my husband like hell. Honestly, I miss the possibilities of what could have been, especially me knowing everything I know now. Before he completely discarded me, He was trying to make things work with me, even looking for a new home for us. He said he wanted a fresh start. But then when she popped back out of no where 2 months later saying she was pregnant, all of those plans immediately went out of the window. Right before she had the baby, she up and secretly moved to another state where her family is (who she doesn’t get along with and who was not even financially supportive of her and her baby when she moved down there). Everybody found it odd that she moved down there 2 months before her birth date was due. We honestly believe it was because she didn’t want him to be in the hospitality to get a DNA test done. a

      Come to find out, she had her grandmother and her uncle and aunt help her move (they helped with getting the items out of the apartment because she was pregnant at the time). But what’s crazy about that, is she always told my husband that she had no family down here. So whenever she got evicted from her apartment or kicked out from staying with someone else, she could always depend on him to allow her to live with him. Anyway, after she gave birth to the baby, I guess she realized how difficult raising a child was to do alone, especially with the lack of help she got from her family. So she began begging him to come down there with her, to be a good father to his child. He finally went and completely left me. He didn’t even have the courage to say goodbye. I had to find out he left in other ways. I think he did try to tell me the night before he left though because when I had woken up the next morning I had seen that he had called me on my cell phone, but that I had missed the call because I was sleep. Maybe that was him trying to tell me goodbye. But now that he’s down there with her, seems like she has her claws in him so deeps. She literally had so much control over him and what he does and does not do now that she has that child. And she makes sure he doesn’t speak to me at all. It’s so sad. I wished we could have made things work. I’d never behave like that.

      Reply
Surayya November 3, 2014

oh i will describe how I felt when I was with him. Like he took his hands and dug deep through my chest , got hold of my heart and held onto it so tight , not allowing it to beat, squeezing it very tight. another way I felt is he took a dagger dug deep into my heart, than with anti clock movement kept turning it round and round and round OUCH. it is how i felt during our bad times, Although we had good fun times, but it was all fake I could tell. I knew it was time for me to end this when not only after i noted once again he d lie about his whereabouts,after giving him many chances, but when he d ask we meet I d get all excited , he d make plans with me . But when I would pick him up he would change his plans and talk about getting sex . All he wanted was sex and lie to me he hasn’t had sex since we had NC. He expected me to believe that. That was all that was in his mind!!! and so after that I d be wishing oh I wish i get the strength to tell him one fine day IT IS ALL OVER.. I wish I can get that courage . And I finally did. I knew what I was going to get into if I do it, but as one of members had stated , I would rather suffer temporary emotional pain than to suffer emotional mental abuse forever.. It is the path I chose so I decided to pull his hands out of my chest and let my heart beat again. I finally did.. every day that passes without his calls I feel yes one more day to total freedom ( at times I think what are the chances he will call again so I stand prepared how to react to his calls… NC .but how to take it emotionally. ) that is why i say one more step to freedom , for although I am free to do what I want , I still am being cautious to the what if’s he calls. As it is said we are physically divorced or legally divorced or separated or broke up but there is such a thing as emotionally divorced too. and I feel it is what we are all going through, we are not emotionally divorced to our narcissist ex’s..I want to be free totally that when and if he calls it will not effect me emotionally at all

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Surayya November 3, 2014

To all here I can say this. It is ok to grieve to feel pain remember our narcissist ex suppressed and violated us. But without them we are no longer suppressed We Can live our life all over again. Hurray !! This is my theory. After a bad incident esp what we been through we have to go through four stages. Grieving. Cry it all don’t control those tears. Let it flow. Crying is healing. I did it I would ball for long hours than take break than cry again. Because the pain would be so fresh immediate after break up esp wound narcissist. Next stage you will need to start healing. This is stage where we cry but not as much and we have accepted reality. We are back to being alone and this was bad relationship that had no fruitful future. We now trying to heal, distract ourselves , look for tips to heal , start slow process of now purring ourselves
First. Than comes recovery. Hard part. To forgive ourselves for gettin involved with such low life people such self centered people oh I could
Go on and on about them. Once you forgiven yourself you will take initiative and go all the way to taking extra good care of yourself snd pick up hobbies and live your life. Last stage is closure. That is it. You will be able to give up on those memories of good times with him and think nothing of him like “ok so he exist uh so what ” that kind of attitude and finally be able to move on and walk out there as self sufficient confident happy gorgeous INDEPENDANt woman. I can truly say I am almost at the closure stage where I am ready now put my past in a huge tote lock or tight and throw it in the deepest of oceans. Oh but ofcourse you will have moments when you will need just to feel sad about this bad relationship. We are human we have been mocked at abused mistreated and more. Remember they will always be part of our history. Thank god no longer part of our present nor future anymore. But if you happen to feel your heart weigh down Becsuse of flashback of some memories ( uh what we went through with narcissist was traumatic so we will get flashbacks ). Allow yourself to think about it, you can feel sad she’d few tears but don’t dwell on it. That will only take you to the path of depression than and it will consume your whole day. Don’t give the guy your time he doesn’t deserve while he is spending time with his other supplies. Why waste your day. I admit I have such moments but I spend few about ten mins in mournig than get up and continue with my day. Remember only a strong person Can say NO to such people. And we all did. BRAVO. WE ARE STRONG . Taking this step of NC and making decision this is not for me is telling is we can and will recover from this … Amen. Yes we will. We are fighters we are survivors too

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[…] their fear of abandonment, which has been magnified by frequent silent treatments, as well as the devalue and discard phases carried out by their abusive partner(s).  As a result, they remain in a constant state of […]

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Annette June 30, 2014

I was in a relationship with a noncommittal (addict/alcoholic) man for over 7 years. He has dependent on me for the first 5 while trying to get his medical license reinstated. We had been friends for over 20 years so I thought he was sincere in our relationship so I hung in there thru recovery/rehab and all of the job rejections. In the year he finally got his medical license back and is now practicing medicine.
During the last several years he started getting more and more verbally abusive. We are now split up because the last cussing was so bad that after he went to work I left. I was driving 4 hours a week extra to keep my full time job as I did relocate when he moved. I have no intention of going back to him. Two days after we split I heard he was on match.com and in touch with his previous girlfriend. When we were together, every time I would bring up something he did with regard to inappropriate conduct he would cuss me out so bad with terrible words and tell me I was crazy, delusional and psycho and that if I didn’t change my attitude I could get the ——–out. I could never prove anything but my instincts were so strong they would wake me from a dead sleep. He constantly pushed every weekend to know exactly what time I was leaving on Sunday and if I talked to him any time after I left he was always hateful. The majority of the time he was so good to me, kind and giving with all of the gifts, trips, dinners at the club, etc., etc. After we split, he said for me to get counseling and let him know how it went and then we could discuss things because I needed it for me insecurities. He said he was sorry for “raising his voice” but I am delusional. I wrote him a long letter and just let him have it about how I had sacrificed the time in my life, my kids and grandkids and all the support/money/time off work to help him, etc., I have been doing no contact (we split 10 weeks ago), but last night I received an email from him stating again how he wishes the best for me but I am not taking responsibility and I need help.
How can he possibly justify all of this? I am so hurt and so sad as I can’t believe after 7 1/2 years a man would just walk away, see other women but in the same breath say “I love you more than anyone I ever loved but we can’t live like this until you get help.” I can’t quit thinking about it all the time.

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    Kim Saeed July 1, 2014

    Annette, I’m sorry for what’s happened to you. The fact is, every single Narcissist alive wants to make their partner feel it’s their fault. They will never accept any accountability for the chaos in the relationship.

    He’s sending you the email for two reasons. 1) to keep you believing everything was your fault and, 2) to give you hope that there’s hope for a future with him if you “fix” yourself. However, since the problems actually all stemmed from his treatment of you, the relationship would never improve and he would never change.

    Don’t pay attention to his words because they’re fake. Pay attention to his actions. Lastly, the only hope you have for a future and for happiness is to go No Contact and sever this guy from your life. It’s the only way for you to regain any sense of yourself.

    Reply

It’s only been a few hours since I figured out that there will be no closure, and stopped trying to get him to admit to anything or show some remorse for the pain that he has caused. I wanted to believe that he has at least a little conscience and kept thinking he would feel something like responsibility for his behavior. He doesn’t have a conscience and he won’t feel anything, especially not responsibility. (Right?) I finally gave up as he continues to twist and distort things right back on me and says the stupidest things that don’t even make sense as far as how to blame me for his lies and cheating. After all, I am the one who checked on his stories since I already could tell he was lying. According to him, that is because I don’t have a life so I am a desperate crazy spying bitch he says. Never in all the months I’ve been confronting him about suspicous behavior and stories he didn’t even bother to make believable has any responsibility been shouldered by him, as if he truly believes that his actions are not causing the problem, my questions are. The pain is pretty intense, I have been crying for a week now but something feels like I might have reached my limit this time. I have told him I was done with him a few times and it never sticks. I blocked his phone, facebook and every way I could think of to keep him from contacting me. I need strength, I need support to help me get through this without reconnecting for some random reason that gets me sucked back in. How long does it usually take until I will be safe from my own impulse to try to reconnect? A week? A month? I don’t have enough tears left. Thanks for being here, I am glad I found this site.

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    Kim Saeed June 29, 2014

    KMP, recovery is something that will take time, but if you practice self-care, it will happen somewhat more quickly. I’d recommend keeping him blocked from any and all avenues of communication because as long as there is a crack for him to re-enter your life, you will never heal.

    Recovering from this type of abuse is very similar to rehab for drugs or alcohol and I would suggest following many of the same steps. If you need individual guidance, I am offering a special on my one-month package for the 4th of July holiday. It’s 35.00 off. (Normally 135.00). Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you the link.

    Otherwise, you’ll need to occupy yourself for the first couple of months to avoid the temptation to break No Contact.

    Reply
    Amanda December 8, 2015

    They never give you closure you need to create your own closure. You decide what went wrong and you decide what you need to change about yourself. They have no conscience as its all about them! !

    Reply
Tara June 21, 2014

I have been no contact for 4 weeks! I finally got out. I am 10 weeks pregnant and the last bout of rage and abuse was the last straw for me. I have a protection order and go back to court this Wednesday to make it permanent. I have endured this abuse for 5 years. Now the kids and I are narc free and I can focus on my pregnancy. I feel the FOG lifting but not all the way yet….. Reading every ones posts makes me more encouraged to press on. Thank you for your blog Kim!

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    Tara, thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. I’m very glad you’ve gotten out of that toxic relationship. You and your children can now live happily together. Congrats on your pregnancy! Seems there was no better time for you to leave…

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gingersnappyone May 15, 2014

I’m struggling with discard too. I’ve been no contact for three weeks. My “N” went back to his on again/off again girlfriend of ten years after having an affair with me for a year and a half (of course he lied the whole time and I didn’t know he had a main course for most of the relationship as she lives in another town). She is his financial supply – open wallet, roof over his head and door mat. Come to find out, she has taken him back FOUR times over ten years after infidelity. UGH! Once the two of us figured things out and talked, I became a “risk” and he bounced back and forth for awhile hoping to have his cake and eat it too, but she was on to him and he knew it. He was afraid I’d blow the whistle on him again (that he was still contacting me) and it was too much of a risk to him.. so it was pretty text book. By then, I knew about NPD so I kinda sat back and watched him work. It was pretty text book. It still hurt like hell, but I understood it and expected it. I really appreciate all of the sites including this one for all of the information and insights I have found. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have had a clue as to what was happening to me and how to handle it. Thank you!

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    Kim Saeed May 30, 2014

    Thanks for commenting, Gingersnappyone! I’m glad to know my articles have been helpful to you. I hope you are recovering well…

    Reply

It has been a year and 1 month since no contact and I am better for it. I finally found my balance. I no longer feel divorced or discarded. I finally feel like me again. 2013 was a year of hard lessons but I’m better for it. I have not see or spoken to my Ex in a year. I almost never think of him unless someone mentions his name. I feel nothing. The anger is gone. Finally!

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    Kim Saeed May 14, 2014

    Yay! So glad to know you’ve moved on and found yourself 🙂 It’s so liberating, isn’t it?

    Reply
beckybalint May 5, 2014

love this page…but am struggling with how to get a regular feed for this blog…I get Carrie’s (Ladywithatruck) and LOVE It too! but it comes via my email…is there a way I can do that for your stuff too Kim?

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    Kim Saeed May 5, 2014

    Becky, I am honored that you want to be an email subscriber. At the top of the page under my header, there is a red escape button to the left. The email sign-up is right underneath that. Hope that helps!

    Thanks again for reading my blog 🙂

    Kim

    P.S. – I love Carrie’s blog, too!

    Reply
Leslie Childs May 3, 2014

Thank you so much for all your insight Kim. I have been reading through your posts daily over the last few weeks and as I try to gain some insight about this monster I’ve been dealing with. But every day is so hard having to see his truck at the new woman’s house (I have to pass it on the way to and home from work) and he insists on driving past my house on the way to hers even when there’s an easier way and NO reason to pass mine. Could this be his way of lashing out at me for walking into her home and catching him red handed, checking up on me or just being a jerk? Whatever reason, he feels it necessary to flaunt her around and make sure I know he’s there daily. Ugh

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    Kim Saeed May 4, 2014

    Leslie, all three – lashing out at you for walking into her home and catching him red handed, checking up on you, and just being a jerk. Don’t give him too much credit. He’s engaging in the behaviors of a Kindergarten Playground Bully. He’s waving his lollipop around, hoping to make you jealous…but if you look closely at the lollipop, it’s covered in hair and fuzz.

    Narcissists always flaunt the new supply. It’s an extension of the devalue phase and it has two purposes: 1) to make you feel even lower, and 2) to make the new woman feel as though she means something. Sadly, she’ll later find out she doesn’t, as will all of his future partners.

    Just as the earth rotates on its axis, so all Narcissists engage in the same juvenile behaviors. He’s not happy with his new supply, he just want you to beLIEve he is…

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      Calendula October 6, 2014

      Yes…he just wants to flaunt. They love to believe that everyone is jealous and as self serving as they are.
      Not only is the next in line due to experience what you did: Hoover, Devalue, Reject; but you can smugly know that she’ll get what’s coming. He will never let you know that, however.
      My ex said “Let’s stay friends, okay?” Then promptly set up TWO elaborate large scale events, both designed to publicly humiliate me, while elevating social adulation on his end. (At the time, we shared the same circle of friends and lived in the same community.)
      Right. With friends like that, who needs enemies. Trite but true. So I initiated “No Contact”. His sorry life continues as it always had. My life is the one that grew and changed for the better. I have SO little drama these days, and when I do, we work it out, discuss it and apologize for our parts in the matter, then it’s finished.
      My ex sucked the life out of my soul, but said I was selfish. My finances, but said he made the money. Set up situations for me to be somehow embarrassed and humiliated, like being unbriefed about a family crisis, or show up under or over dressed for an event, or having not been invited then everyone asking where I was…I was the picture of grace under fire, but eventually suffered a serious physical illness.
      I was hospitalized, and he only showed up for lunch every day. I was in and out of consciousness for a month, and he was eating food meant for me. Otherwise, I was alone and sick and scared while he was…..who knows. I expected him to drive me home to heal when I was finally released, but he said he couldn’t make it (?) Because at 50 years old, his garage band got a gig at a local dive bar, and he needed to “prepare” instead of drive his wife home from the hospital! So I called his 77 year old mother, and she agreed to come and get me. While we were waiting for my release papers, my OWN mother showed up unannounced. I ended up up shooing her away, then hiding, laying down in mother in law’s car so as not to be seen, lest my mother question where is my husband, and why isn’t he there to drive me home? And sick as I was, here was MIL and I, protecting freakin narcissist husband from my mothers’ discerning eye!

      Two years later, was I sorry to instill the No Contact rule? Hell no.

      Reply
Proud Mother May 3, 2014

This meant so much to me, Kim especially today as I am feeling a bit down..and yes..your words do really hits home.

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secretangel May 3, 2014

Every word hits home! Money and a submission personality… Yes, these narcs will “suck” the victims dry… emotionally and financially. The best thing that I finally did for myself was cutting off all contact. The healing can’t truly begin until the cause of the wounds are removed. Thanks for all you do, Kim. Keep up the good work, my friend.

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secretangel May 3, 2014

Kim, thanks for all that you do to help victims of abuse. You are an inspiration to many. God bless you!

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2014

    Why thank you, SecretAngel 🙂 What a lovely sentiment on a Saturday morning!

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      secretangel May 3, 2014

      Kim, you touch so many lives. I admire you and what you do. You have helped me to understand more about my ex’s behavior that I ever understood. Please check out my posting today. I would love for you to reblog it if God leads you. I am giving away books and it may just help someone who follows you and I. Many blessings to you, my friend.

      Reply
Proud Mother May 3, 2014

Thank you, Kim. How did you know that she had an open wallet? That she was submissive? Beacause she does and she gave him everything he ever wanted. She provides for him, given him a place to live and she converted to his religion. After only a few months.. He tried to make me convert. My daughter told me 2 month ago that ” she is helping daddy with money so he can pay his debts”
I know that I just have to rise above this man, its just so hard sometimes when I am reminded of what he did/ does

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2014

    Proud Mother, Narcs only go into relationships for what the other person can offer them. That usually involves money and a submissive personality…also, from personal experience. I was once that submissive person with an open wallet.

    I know you are still somewhat fresh out of the relationship. You will need to grieve what happened. But at some point, it would be good to try to cease thinking about what he did and instead start looking at it from the point of, “What can I learn from what happened”, and then begin working on the things that were painful for you. This might include setting healthy boundaries, self-love, and other things that can help you grow as a person…

    Best wishes for you in your recovery. You can do it!

    Reply
Proud Mother May 3, 2014

Hi Kim, I recently found this website and been a follower since. I love what you write like this one.
When you say No contact or modifide contact… In my case it is so hard. We share a child together and EVERY single time my daughter comes home from after a weekend with her father and his wife to, I get to hear things and its like stabbing knifes in my heart. I am deppressed days after because I am reminded of what he has done. I get to hear all the ” daddy is so happy, daddy and …… are planning their wedding, she took me here and there, they bougth this and that” and so on. Its hard and its heartbreaking. The thing is, I cannot tell my daugther not to speak about it. She’s only a child. The last one was” daddy wants me to call her Mommy. Already??

Its so hard. I impliment no contact, but I get to hear about his happy life like anyway. I am 7 months since I suddenly found out he moved in with another woman. Lately I feel like I have making progress in recovery, but somedays I feel like I am back where I’ve started….especially everytime my daughter comes home..

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2014

    Dear Proud Mother,

    I understand how you feel. It is difficult to handle when it seems the Narc is happy with their new supply…but,it’s all a charade.

    A lot of the things your daughter brings back and says to you are staged. Narcs purposefully do and say things in front of children so they will go back and tell their other parent (the one who is left alone).

    Unlike you, your Ex Narc cannot make it on his own. Narcs always, always have new supply waiting somewhere in the wings. The fact that he’s getting married may be hard to swallow, but the thing to remember is this: the new supply must have met all of his criteria – submissive, soft-spoken, open wallet, willing to do whatever he says, willing to give up her sense of identity. She may not realize it yet, but she is in for a world of sorrow. They are simply in the Honeymoon Phase of the Narcissistic relationship, but she’ll soon learn the truth and will one day be in your shoes…

    I’m sure the new woman is happy, but your Ex is only happy that he found someone to serve him. And as far as your daughter coming back with tales of golden happiness, much of that is an extension of the “devalue” phase.

    Stay strong. Don’t let his antics wear you down. You are way, way above this man.

    Reply
marlane May 2, 2014

I think it’s worse when the ex-N has been over-the-top super validating, which mine was. He blinded me to his actions and his real self. It made the fog all the thicker and harder to emerge from and the withdrawal symptoms were strong. I was forced to discard him which also brought about feelings of being the ‘bad one’ in the relationship. His words were like honey by his actions were of the devil so the cognitive-dissonance was unreal and over the top! Still, I have gone full no-contact and feeling a whole lot better!

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    Kim Saeed May 6, 2014

    You have summed up a large part of the experience of being with a Narc, “His words were like honey but his actions were of the devil, so the cognitive-dissonance was unreal and over the top!”

    I couldn’t have said it better myself 🙂 Glad you are out of that now…

    Reply
Carrie Reimer May 2, 2014

No contact is the hardest part, and I fought it off and on for over a year. It was not until I went totally no contact that I started to heal. Every time I had contact with my ex it set me back to the beginning again. If at all possible the best thing is to leave the town, no chance of running into them. I even changed where I did business because he had a habit of popping up there every few months. Once again a great post Kim.
I have wanted to ask you if you were always into Zen, diet, oils etc or is it something you discovered while searching for ways to heal? Just curious.

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    Kim Saeed May 2, 2014

    Hi Carrie! I’ve always used organic skin care, etc…but didn’t start with the meditations until about two years ago, and the healing diet and oils were more recent. They really do make a huge difference when combined together 🙂

    Reply
Fellow Survivor May 1, 2014

Kim, I have been reading your blog for about 8 months now and I truly enjoy your writing style and content. I don’t feel the need to read every single word about Ns for hours each day like I did 6 months ago. I am almost out of the FOG. I have not attached to another to numb the pain, but I am almost ready. I first must face the pain and defeat it and see the N for who and what she truly is, a damaged person from her youth, beginning at birth. Her childhood was horrendous and one I would not wish on anyone, but that does not excuse her crimes because she knew what she was doing was wrong and she did it anyway. That is inexcusable. All N’s know what they are doing is wrong but they do it anyway, which makes me sad.

The thing I regret and mourn the most is all the sacrifices I made for her. The extra effort, the over to top extra effort to make her happy, and she valued none of it. Coffee in bed every morning. Leaving work early to do her bidding. Anyway, thank your for your work.

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    Lee May 2, 2014

    Yes, you have to leave all of that in the past. It’s water over the dam. I gave 20+ years to my ex. All I have to show for it is my three children, who are now heading into adulthood. It took several years to go full no-contact. Life is much more peaceful now. I focus on the present and the future, not the past.

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    abbie January 26, 2015

    I am brand new to this realization and i almost completely lost it 1 month ago…im always looking up info, identifying unfortunately with all the signs of slowly being destroyed by a narcissist for over 20 years. I am a caregiver by nature, a nurse by profession, surprise, surprise. ….I’m ashamed of that career move too, an extension of my codependency.

    Reply
Fellow Survivor May 1, 2014

Readers, listen to Kim. If you are at the beginning of the ending or have been recently discarded, everything she says is true. I am one year out and only now beginning to regain my sense of “me” and that is only for moments or sometimes hours. My ex N owes me money and lots of it, but I have been afraid to “hit the bee hive” so to speak, but with every passing day I am growing stronger and ready for battle. Surround yourself with people that love you and care about you.

The sooner you separate from them both physically, emotionally, and mentally, the better you will be. You will never get an apology or acknowledgement of crimes committed against you and maybe your children too, so don’t sit around waiting.

This lady knows what she is talking about.

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    Danielle February 14, 2015

    He discarded me almost three weeks ago. The beginning of our ‘love story’ was typical I guess…He was the most loveable man i ever met..and i longed for love and a proper relationship after having my heart broken a few times. I am a successful business woman, having huge responsibility in my work life…earning good money. I thought I am not that kind of woman who falls for someone like him. He took all my money. Everything that I had. With lies and excuses like he needed it desperately to have his accounts opened after a problem with the financial authorities..he needed money for his beloved grand pa s funeral…i am not sure if i believed him…i just wanted to help. i thought once he solves all his problems we can be happy. all the time he ensured me that the problem was on my side…i was not a relaxed woman, i was always giving him hard time.. when i asked him about when he is going to give my money back he replied: you are talking about it all the time, i cannot hear it anymore. i told you so many times you will get it..tomorrow..next week..next month…then i fell pregnant. he freaked out. didn t want anything to do with me or the baby..gave me lots of abuse. then he decided to come back..a new beginning..he said he booked a ticket to see me and be with me (we live in different towns)…a few days before he was due to come i discovered he had not even booked the ticket. although he said he did a few times…we had a major argument..during which all of a sudden he said that he does not want anything to do with me. since then he blocked me on all social media..the only way i can reach him is via email. when asking when i will get the money he still replies: next week, next month. I have already sent it, etc. he is lying in my face and i do not understand it!!!! how can he do that?? he knows what he is telling is a lie! yet he still does that!!! he never ever asks how i am because of the baby..he has NO interest at all although before he said he will love his child…i just do not understand all of this. i miss him desperately and wish contact..wish he would say that he changed..that he loves the baby and myself…or only the baby if that is…but he is just ignoring me..ignoring me every day…it hurts so much. how can a person be so cruel?? i know i am stupid in missing him…but it is just a feeling i cannot stop…

    Reply
      Amanda December 8, 2015

      Hi Danielle
      That is so horrible! You will get better – he can never be the right person for you! Anyone who can make you promises then walk out on you and a baby is heartless. A very Similar thing happened to me- including the pregnancy and the dumping – via a one line text message. It hurts like hell but it does fade with time. Get as much support as you can (counselling, friends) take really good care of yourself, it’s a rough ride but you can do it . It just goes around and around in your head till you feel like you’ll go insane so talk it out
      Mandy xx

      Reply
    Annie March 29, 2015

    I broke it off with my N 12 months ago. He finally moved out of the house and I was emotionally on top of the world. He recognized this (we have a child together) and made every effort to get back into my life. I kept him from moving back in but everything else returned, or should I say most of the honeymoon phase. Suddenly, he wanted to take care of me, help me with money (never gave a crap while we were a couple), suddenly I was the sexyist woman around and he wanted sex all the time when he pushed me away for almost 10 years, etc etc. At the end of February he promised that he was going to wait for me, and that he loved me forever and that I was the only one for him. In the first week of March he announced that he finally gets it and we are done and he found someone else. Now he ignores my calls and my texts. Suddenly thrown aside like a hot potatoe I feel horrible. I’ve been thinking about just running away without my kids, suicide, or maybe just find a way to stop my brain. I am hurting so bad inside that I can’t even describe it. How can someone pledge their forever love to you one day and be in love with someone else a week later. After three weeks with this new girl he is talking about moving in with her…I’m so hurt, lost and confused. I just want my brain to stop and the pain to end.

    Reply
      Lorraine September 13, 2016

      Annie
      I do understand your pain as 18 months ago was discarded by a narc who nearly did my head in with his charm romance and words ” your the love of my life and I can’t live without you ” yet the next day was cruel and dismissing! I once asked him why he said such things then changed tracks , his reply was” I just say what I feel in the moment”
      When he met the next victim and discarded me smiling at me as I cried, I’m ashamed to admit I was his reserve whenever he got bored or angry with new victim!!
      He would come around and be so loving I would hope he had seen the light but he would just go back to the other woman despite us having amazing chemistry ,I spoilt him so much and he would say how current gf was so selfish ….more manipulation!!!
      Kim is so correct it was not until I blocked this narc on all levels that I started to heal …

      It’s now 18 mths later and he is nearly out of my thoughts!!! I can niw compare him to normal caring men and see the terrible deficit he has!
      Read everything you can on the subject of Narc abuse and mostly enjoy the feeling of self respect that you get as a gift for ditching the cruelest type of man out there!!
      I wish you peace and healing
      Laine

      Reply
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