Will My Ex-Narcissist Treat His New Girlfriend Better?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

May 07
will the narcissist treat the new woman better

Yes, at first he will.

But keep in mind that when a Narcissist is securing new supply, he will love-bomb her; just as he did you in the beginning. For those of you who are just learning about Narcissism, “love-bombing” is the constant bombardment of flirting and flattery from the Narcissist. This includes actions that are over-the-top after you’ve just started dating, such as:

• Splashing your social media with flirty messages, though you’ve only just met
• Sending numerous texts throughout the day
• Calling more than what’s considered normal
• Pretending to miss you when you go out with friends
• If you work in the public eye, showing up at your place of employment
• Sending flowers and gifts, after only one date
• Leaving multiple voice mails
• Offering to take you on vacation
• Pushing for physical intimacy too soon
• Spending hours on the phone with you

Just as we have four seasons, the Narcissist will use these tactics to secure new supply. That’s why he seems so happy with his new partner; you see him doing the above things with her.

Frankly, it coincides rather conveniently with his discarding of you. Since love-bombing is time-consuming, grueling, and involves spending money, the Narcissist is depleted. On the inside, he is feeling grouchy due to all of this exertion. Therefore, his efforts may as well fulfill two purposes: 1) secure the new supply, 2) fulfill his discarding of you. Hence, you’ll likely get “heartfelt confessions” that he loves this new girl and they’re a match made in Heaven. She understands him like you never could. She accepts him for who he is. She does everything for him…sound familiar?

Although he and his new supply look as if they’re walking on sunshine, you can bet he is making little jabs here and there. And while you are left feeling that his new partner is much better than you, the truth of the matter is the Narcissist simply wants shelter, food, money, and freedom to do as he pleases. He may feel a temporary giddiness that the new girlfriend doesn’t know him for what he is because he’s extracting copious amounts of adoration from her.

Consider how one typically feels before and during a job interview. There’s a lot at stake so we go out and buy an expensive suit, use our best manners,and tell the interviewer what they want to hear. In essence, we sell ourselves. That’s what the Narc does when he is in pursuit of a new source of livelihood. However, he soon turns into a bad employee who shows up for the paycheck, but doesn’t really do any work.

Reasons Not to Die When the Narcissist Looks Happy with New Supply

1. It’s highly likely that while he is out on the town with a pretty new girl on his arm, he has others who are waiting for his phone call. Why? Just in case. The worst situation for the Narcissist is to be left alone with no supply…which means no one to house him, no one to feed him, no one to make all of his appointments, take care of paperwork, apply for employment of his behalf (assuming he decides to work), etc. Most Narcissists, especially the overt ones, are the equivalent of 7-yr olds running around in adult bodies. They literally cannot fulfill adult responsibilities on their own.

2. Without someone to reflect a positive image back to him, the Narcissist feels worthless. His new girlfriend doesn’t know him like you do, so naturally she is feeding his ego to the nth degree. But rest assured that it will only be a matter of time before she starts noticing the cracks, probably when it’s too late and she’s lost all sense of direction. Everything he did to you will also happen to her.

3. Narcissists are attracted to attractive people, but not for the same reasons we are. Beautiful people make them look good by association. Check out my article, Narcissism for Beginners, for a sneak peek into the mind of a Narcissist.

Besides, because she’s pretty doesn’t mean you’re not…

4. The new girl is not only a new source of supply, she’s a matter of revenge. Since you attempted to establish a boundary, ask for respect and/or fidelity, requested him to find employment, or otherwise pointed out any flaws in him, he has a burning need to show you he can find someone who will accept him as he is. And while he may already have a new partner swooning over his very existence, it won’t last. She doesn’t know he’s an abuser, irresponsible, cruel, or sociopathic. All she knows is what he’s told her, along with the false illusion that he’s a hopeless romantic.

No matter what it looks like, the Narcissist’s “happiness” is a facade. What he’s most happy about is that he’s locked down a new place to live with someone who will cook for him, wash his clothes, and pay for everything. Don’t eat the soup he tries to feed you about how great she is. She may very well be a nice person, but the Narcissist doesn’t appreciate her personality past how it benefits him. Once you understand these dynamics, all that’s left to do is feel sorry for his new girlfriend. She doesn’t deserve what’s coming any more than you did.

Copyright 2016.  Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach.

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(200) comments

Anonymous September 24, 2017

My Ex Narcissist of 25 years went back with his ex girlfriend that he cheated on multiple times and choked her to nearly death. Are they both Narcissists?? Thank you God to give Strength to my Adorable Son and I to finally leave.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 25, 2017

    Hi Anon,

    Thank you for stopping by and commenting. I wish I could answer your question, but based on the little information available, I can’t really say if they are both narcissists. However, I’m very happy to know that you and your son were finally able to leave.

    Hugs,

    Kim XoXo

    Reply
Tiffany September 6, 2017

My Narcissist husband has been cheating on me, he now lives with his girlfriend and emails me he loves me and wants me back but he’s still living with his girlfriend. We are going through a divorce that I filled for as he doesn’t care he left me and our 3 boys. He keeps playing mind games and thinks I went out with someone. He said it turns him on kinda that he thinks o have been getting f _ ____ . What do I do I don’t want him I want a divorce

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 13, 2017

    These people are so predictable.

    The short answer is…file for the divorce and remove his ability to contact you by cell phone.

    Reply
Philisiwe August 25, 2017

They say life isn’t text book… Except when it comes to living/dealing with narcs, here is the textbook.

Reply
Anonymous June 22, 2017

I really needed to hear this! I know I made the right decision to leave ,but it was still bothering me to know he seems so happy with his new girlfriend.Now I see it’s just a facade.He’s fooling her like he did me.Now I feel sorry for her,but have to say I’m glad my babies and I got out of this abusive situation.Thank you for writing this!!!!

Reply
Lonely November 20, 2016

Broke up with my narc in 2014 after we had a baby. Turned out there was already someone else. They’ve since moved in together and pretend our daughter is theirs. I’m just getting into a relationship but it’s moving so slow I start to compare my relationship to my ex. How come he he deserves to be happy and not me. They have since moved in together. I guess he gets all the happiness and not me😪

Reply
    awhite January 17, 2017

    you don’t appreciate the bullet you have dodged.

    Reply
    Nancy July 4, 2017

    Remember, narcissists move Super fast. It’s their way of locking her in before she realizes what he truly is. Keep going slowly. Take your time. Choose well.
    My ex got married the day after we got our divorce papers. He married her on the courthouse, went out to dinner, and went to work the next day. She’s using her inheritance money to pay for the house they live in eventhough he has a job and she stays home. He’s got her good!
    I’ve been going out with a wonderful man for 5 years. He accepts me as I am. Never tries to change me nor to have rules that I shall abide. It is wonderful to actually be loved. He has been wanting to get married for a while, but I wanted to take my time this time (It only took y months with my ex). I just accepted his proposal.
    So, the fact that Your ex is going lighting fast just proves he hasn’t changed a bit. He is the same manipulative person. It sure reassure you that you’ve made the right choice by leaving him.

    Reply
    Anonymous September 6, 2017

    You will be just fine. It’s his list not yours. I have been through this so many time with the same Person. I lost two houses, a car my jobs and my self worth for a long time but I now know. It’s not me that’s the problem it’s him. After 2 miscarriages and the many women I found out he was with and talking to. You have a whole life a head of you. He lost out, if you believe in God pray and pray hard. It helps and he’s not worrying about you so move on and be safe.

    Reply
Rosie August 30, 2016

Kim, thank you so much for your helpful, wonderful articles! They, and the comments of the readers, are the only comfort I have. My friends are sick of hearing about my ex, they don’t understand why I just don’t get over it. Oh, if only it were that easy! I have tried over and over to stop checking the ex’s facebook page, all it ever does it hurt me. Seeing him all happy with the new woman, the pictures of her 4000 sq.ft. house, the vacation pictures, ugh! Why do I keep doing this to myself??? And the irony of it all, the new woman is a therapist! WTF? I think my biggest problem is seeing him so happy, and bragging, he seems to have hit it big, and I am still stuck in pain. I couldn’t even imagine having another relationship right now. It’s the fact that he replaced me so easily, and so quickly, as if I were nothing. I now know it seems as if he didn’t care because he truely never cared. Is been nine months since we broke up, six months since I have ignored his wimpy texts. When does it start to get better???

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 22, 2016

    Rosie,

    Go back and read your comment 🙂 The reason he can switch partners so quickly is 1) he has no ability to bond or form attachments with other people, and 2) her house, the fact that she probably funded the vacation, her bank account. That’s all he cares about, so don’t take it personally. I would confidently bet money that he still has someone on the side for rainy days.

    To answer your question, it starts to get better when you are able to stop monitoring what he’s up to and turn your focus onto healing and rewiring your thoughts. Hope that helps!

    Kim

    Reply
      Rosie September 22, 2016

      Thank you Kim, you are a godsend! I have finally completely blocked him from anyway of contacting me, I know deep down I was still waiting for an apology or any sign of remorse, now I know that is a waste of time. So now I can turn that time into making me happier, instead of pondering why he made me so unhappy. Best wishes to everyone on here, happy healing!

      Reply
      MLo June 3, 2017

      This response is right on! I hhave experienced the very same thing. All i can say is that it gets better when you begin to play the real movie on what youur rationshop was with him. Quit thinkiing about the new supply because its just a matter of time before it all comes to a downward spiral. They can keep tne mask on for only a short time. Instead of sweating being with someone toxic, thank God for sparing you through tougher trials. He is not worth your tears or thoughts for that matter. Start loving and valuing yourself more and know that you are worthy of greater things and relationships! Your ex loves no one and is unable to have a functional relationship so just pray to be freed from it all!!! ❤

      Reply
chankla2 December 12, 2015

as I read these posts I see the commom thread any age, guy/girl NARCS dont change….
we will nevr get closure or understanding, or get their pattern of just moving on!
still we think is this new supply it for them? its supply for thheir need, they might stay longer yes, but they don’t feel they just kp gng, gng…
force yourself to go forward, the NARC is done w/you, period…
they have no type, no values, no morals they tweek just a bit for new supplys, period…. they haven’t changed!!!!!!
they do the same, same over&over!!!!!
7yrs ex bf NARC, BLINDSIDED an poof thanks bbye not in so many words but basically that…
they always have a bk up, always contacts in their ph, SM accts, Fakebook, what’s app, tango they’re on all of them, period…. Make no mistake ABT that…. Its a mirage, believe me!!!!
N/C that’s only insult you can give them
if they contact DNT respond, if they DNT contact you, its ok, better!!!!
stay off SM! delete, block, get rid of stuff they gve you, box it up OUTA sight!!!!!
they don’t think ABT you, evryday 24 7 ABT them100%
lesson learned! heal, fix yourself!!! do stuff for you…
YOULL hve a aha moment, you feel indifference toward them…. DNT gve them the satisfaction of contact, go off the radar, vanish!!!!
all that GLITTERS isn’t gold….
good days bad days, yes! get through it
were worth it!!!!
THYRE hollow miserable, period…
let em’ go!!!!!!
strength peace courage!!!!!!!
it wl cme BK around, period
Remember actions speak louder than words!!!!!

Reply
Kate November 17, 2015

Well …what can I said!! I do apologise for my spelling but English it is not my first language.
I am feeling better to know that i want crazy and there are people like me!! it did made me feel so much better, it is like a relief ..
we all have been in the boat and sadly sometimes life gave you experiences that we are not ready to deal with. I believe all happens for are reason and now I will look what the reason to suffered this on my life was. so I will learn something value from this.

I have been dumped for my ex two months ago, we where in a 19 months relation, and I admitted my addition to him, I thought I am getting crazy. I was looking answer to his behaviour, after the break up,he was so cold and distant that I could believe it was true, we have to be very closed to each other and it was a horrible part of my life that I wish never happened. After a months of break up I messaged him, as a friend he ignored me but them after replied so horrible (believe he was with his new target). I got so angry and upset that I told him I regret every second I spend with him and that I wish not met him ever, that he buy people and that he should thanks god for the money that he have because otherwise he wouldn’t be very interesting. I said his dead for me.

Its was cruel to the point that he gave his phoned to his new girlfriend. He started the new relations not even a months after we broke up. she messaged me saying I know all about you, and my relationship it is not the same that yours. WE going to get marry! Boom!! you can imagine how I feel when recently I broke up with him .. and my pain was present still.. I thought he did love me ,( I believe something different now after all this reading though the website) but at the moment I was convinced myself I though he was the one, people all the time told us how cute couple! to find out all was fate 🙁 really sad… was crying with my soul more than my eyes and hurt infinitive pain inside me…
know and he will come back.. well I was very wrong completely wrong.

He acted like a victim all the time so he put me in the bad side with his friends now and of course he is the good guy.. I asked myself, How this can be possible when all what I done its to pleased him be caring and the most I trusted him.
I am trying to move on, thanks I found this blogs , I just been with a person that it doesn’t exist. I still remember him.. still on my mind. I do remember when I said him that he sound like another person sometimes and obviously he was showing some of his feature. I wish be like I used to be before I met him, my smile my outgoing personality my life. I am not ready yet but I will feed myself with lot of information, all what can be possible to understand what he done on me, its really bad , and not very human being. He put me out of his life anyway which I think it is the best could happens, still thinking on him (its a very awful history and I really do wish never happens) phew..!!
thanks all of you for share your history I feel identified with all in some parts of all of them.
thanks and sending lot of positive energy .. go girl… go girl!! 🙂

Reply
Bev October 10, 2015

It took eight months for me to finally commit to a relationship with my ex narcissist and for the next three years he put me on a pedestal and treated me like a queen …we sang karaoke duets and was perceived as the perfect couple for three years and honestly I was the happiest girl in the whole USA we built a home together which took a year to build we finally moved in our new home in October 2014 six weeks after moving in my ex Narcissist and his ex-wife packed all my belongings and moved me out in one day ..they put all of my belongings in a storage and would not tell me where my belongings were …after two weeks i followed him to the storage and called the police ..the police made him give me the keys to the storage … At this point I was done with him but he wasn’t done with me for the next three months he visited family members and friends and followed me to places that we had frequented … He convinced all my family and friends that he was so sorry for what he had put me through and begged me to come back ..he convinced everyone that I would never have to feel insecure because he was going to put the home in both our names so that my security with him would be concrete …and I would never have to worry about ever being put out again… Like a fool I went back … It only lasted three months ..again he threw me out he never put the house in both our names …and went straight into a new relationship …it’s been five months and in those five months he has tried to destroy me … Just last week he moved his new girlfriend into the home that I help build … Obviously she is not content with him because she calls me periodically and ask questions …I told her point-blank that he is a narcissist …and when she met him five months ago immediately after our split …she was very vulnerable…having a hip replacement… she told how he held her hand through all her pain…and how they would stay up hours talking about everything… how she has never been so loved in her entire life… Although I know the truth and I know what will happen to her I tried to warn her but reluctantly she doesn’t want to know anymore and wants to believe him so I have implied the no contact rule…and blocked her number and every number that I could think of that they might contact me with…now I am getting calls at 2..3..and 4 o’clock in the morning from private numbers… Although I feel sorry for her and tried to warn her …I no longer want in their mix ..she let him move in with her two weeks after they met and now she is moving in my home…. so he’s got her right where he wants her … The way I look at it is that it took him eight months to get me to commit to a relationship with him and it only took him two weeks to get her to commit because she was very vulnerable …so I believe that he will put her through hell a lot quicker than he did me…

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Bree October 9, 2015

girls we are in a fog as she is giving n giving more money etc more submissive as some of you say , she knows something is not right all the while this so called giving him more she is slowly been drained n all hell will break loose im just relived im not in his company anymore you have no life everything that makes you , you is snickered at etc no sex after a month total switch off etc boring mind games even the fear when u try to leave is part of the attention they can get out of you
Mine was exactly like this article said no job no money wat the hell was i thinking got me at a low point in my life n i also found when he was around everything goes to shitt my hours at work went down when i was out with him rare times we did i got disdainful looks from other people now heaps of work strangers smiling at me all the time lol oh they course so much drama there cant be a good day they sabatage mine accused me of this thats when i see thats wat he does to ALL relationships oh and i didnt see how much he detest women he hates there guts scary part he dosent exist expect for as a ” bad seed” no personality of his own looking back all i see is my own words and reflection coming back to me whatever it was is gone he was txt me for ego feed while he had the new one with a kid ( probly his?) dont know dont care ive had to work through this now just relief i was also physically attacked by him and god i hate to say it but lets say im not thinking about how lucky this new girl or old supply ? Is .
I see this now as a book that ive put on the book shelf to gather dust you can take it down to look at if you want but its no longer a reality

Reply
Beverly October 4, 2015

I forgot to mention that yes he is treating his new woman as well as he treated me in the beginning I tried to warn her but she is bedazzeled by his suaveness… and it’s not my place anyway …she will Have to learn the hard way like I did…he found her in her most Vulnerable stage in her life…she was having a hip replacement and she told me how he stood by her side …holding her hand through her pain …but guess who’s on pain meds and has been on them for three years and tells him she’s off of them now …cause she’s all healed from her hip surgery …I love it when she lies to him..but I honestly feel bad for her…

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Beverly October 4, 2015

Since reading your blog I have totally blocked him from my life we go to court in two weeks and I’m hoping you will all say a prayer for me

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Beverly October 4, 2015

My ex who is a narcissist and I didn’t realize it until I started reading these blogs but this is my story when I met him we were the perfect couple every body told us we were born soulmates he treated me like a queen after eight months of dating I let him move in my home with me after living with me for six months we decided that we would build a home together and I would give up my home ..so we bought a rundown little shack and rebuilt it from the ground up …with all of my soul that I put into that little house we finished it …I gave up my home …and security of five years and we moved in the little home that we built together in October 2014… That’s when my life went to hell …he changed almost immediately he accuse me of taking baths in the morning before I went to work he accused me of having men in the house before he got home from work he accused me of doing drugs or popping pills as he called it …He went so far as to have his daughter do research on the possibility that we might be cousins …I finally had a meltdown in November…6 weeks after moving in with him..I boldly confronted him on how he was disrespecting me and how he has changed since he moved me out of my security and into his home that we had built together…but was only deeded to him and not me… That’s when he physically tried to throw me out of the house when I resisted and got away he called the police and they came to the house and ask me if I had somewhere to go until things calm down …I went to my daughters house and when I told her what had happened … She would not let me return that day or the next ..the third day is when I return back to the house to confront him ..he had his ex-wife and his son there packing my belongings and moving them to a trailer he had parked in the driveway… I ask him what did he think he was doing and he looked right at me with a smirk and said we are moving your stuff out of my house …so I ask him where are you moving it to ? he would not tell me and for the next two weeks he would not tell me where my belongings were … Finally I got a policeman to make him tell me where he had taken my belongings to … And when I found the storage bands he was made to give me the key to them when I search the bins.. most of my things were missing ..they had Most of my belongings and only gave me what was of no value to them… Fast-forward two months …he was at my fathers my mothers my cousins my brothers my sisters my friends begging them to plead with me to give him another chance that he was sorry for what he did and wwe started planning for an addition to the little house I thought for sure we were going to put the house in both our names as opposed to just is none of that happened right out of the blue and may he came home andanted me back and would do anything to get me back … He said that he would put the house in my name as well as his so that I would never have to be insecure about him doing that to me again … And just like my whole family I fell for his lies and I went back and I thought he had changed … But he did not change things got worse he did not put the house in my name nor did he keep any of the other promises …what he did do was move onto another relationship before he was out of a relationship with me and he is totally trying to devour my life … Right now I have a civil suit against him and I am trying to get back the monies that I put into his home we built that home together in one year all I want back is what I put in it and in me trying to get my money back he is totally trying to destroy me …he has lotto me to the severity of trying to get me locked up in jail…his new girlfriend has hired an attorney for him so that I will lose this civil case against him…I have no money to get an attorney..so I really don’t know what hope I have of regaining any of my losses …all I can do is go in with my receipts my witnesses and my truth and with God… I have been praying for him to have a softened heart and until I found this blog and started reading it I had no idea about a narcissistis ..he is a full-blown narcissist and I want to thank you for enlightening me

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irma2108 September 11, 2015

My ex narcissist new girlfriend finally talked to me and asked me about how my relationship was with my ex narcissist because she says he makes it sound like it was perfect and often compares us making it seem like I’m better in every way. When I finally explained to her how terrible it was the whole 5 years I was with him she was in shock. She told me he treats her the same exact way. So I gave her my advice and told her to get away from him that he’s going to try and convince her back with a lot of begging,crying,and presents. Also I sent her the recent screens shots of him telling me he misses and loves me. Couple days ago ex narcissist calls me angry and tells me I just told her all those things because I’m jealous and he kept on repeating that he loves her to me over and over. I just told him that is not love hurting people is not love. He ended up blocking me for a day on facebook and then he unblocked me does that mean he’s not finished with me yet? Did I do the right thing in telling her my experience I’m feeling some pretty mixed emotions right now because every now and then I still feel hurt we’ve been separated for 9 months and hes been talking to me this whole time while dating her as well. Keep in mind he started dating her as soon as I left him.

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    clairemarshy73 October 22, 2015

    hi in reply to the above comment i would most definately have NO CONTACT with your ex, he is playing the two of you off each other and as long as you continue to let him manipulate you and your feelings the more control he has over you, you must STOP ALL CONTACT and free yourself from his games, this will hurt at first, and you will most likely be in “foggy state” but take each day at a time and give yourself a pat on the back each day you do not contact him, chances are you have no one else close to talk to but this is a good time for you to heal and recover your relationships that have suffered whilst being under your ex narcs spell, take time out for yourself, love and nurture yourself set some new goals please do not let him control you any further as they never ever change, my ex was also a narc and the no contact rule is crucial! x

    Reply
    Anonymous October 24, 2015

    I would like to know your response to this because the same exact thing happened to me

    Reply
      Kim Saeed October 24, 2015

      Hi Someone, I replied if you’d like to take a look 🙂

      Reply
    Kim Saeed October 24, 2015

    Irma, since she contacted you first, you were certainly in the right by telling her the truth of the matter. What he’s doing is triangulation pure and simple. I hate to be so blunt about it because it seems you still have some healing to do, but this scenario plays out in almost EVERY SINGLE SITUATION regarding narcs. I work with women just like you all the time and there’s always an Ex or some new girl in the picture and Narcs are always comparing the women to each other to instill insecurity and fear so they can keep them under their spell. I hope you can find a way to block him because as long as he’s still able to talk to you, you will never heal, move on, or recover. Wishing you all the very best <3

    Reply
Lena August 27, 2015

Hi Guys,

First Kimberly, it is an amazing blog you’ve written there, and really on point, so thank you !

Basically, i was in love with this guy for a few years (never been together though as he thought it would have never worked)
and well I’m just wondering your thoughts about it.
This guy has cheated on all his ex girlfriends, two years ago i was kinda the other woman. This year, he got a new girlfriend since 6 month, and tried to make me number two again by flirting, talking dirty. Which i declined. I’ve learned from my mistakes… however this is where i would love your thoughts: I was still following him on Instagram, and notices he was following bunch of women, liking tons of pics of them, followed girls from his area, (i guess in the hope of getting notice, and have his pics “liked” (big fail) while his girlfriend was away…
but then, he deleted his account…just the day before he was going to meet her parents…
It’s been six month they are together, and for some reasons I still feel like he’s in the “honeymoon phase” … now he’s on holiday with her meeting her parents, and i’m feeling crushed.
I have been reading all articles about narcissism and i wonder if he is…
I know he do love lots of attention and always look for attention from women especially….
He has an addiction to porn, and sometimes he is like 3 different persons which is weird. He told me he was cheating just for the sake of having a few bits of filth, and that was all.
It’s tough as I still love him, and I’m afraid this girl might be the one ? I don’t know… I’m just nervous about him there…He keeps listening on spotify love songs and everything… so I wonder if he can really be in love…
It’s been 5 years, he comes and go all the time…

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Kate August 19, 2015

Hi Kim,

Thanks for this post. I was dumped by my narc ex about a month ago. I started standing up for myself and questioning his behaviour, and that’s when I guess I wasn’t any “use” for him anymore. While I’m glad that I saw the red flags early, I still feel like I was “played” and have trouble trusting people. He set up an online dating account days after we broke up and I recently encountered his new girlfriend/girl he is dating (we have a few mutual friends). I’m rather upset and angry that he is able to move on so quickly, while I’m still feeling broken inside.

Also, not to put down his new girlfriend, especially when she will likely be his next victim, but she is quite different from me physically. I’m in my early 20s, slender built but with a large bosom and derriere, outdoorsy and athletic, while she is in her mid 30s, extremely thin (no curves), and rather delicate looking. I’m rather confused about the whole situation as I was told by my NEx that he liked athletic and younger girls, yet he is dating the complete opposite right now. Is there a pattern in who they target, or do they go with whoever is available and is easily controlled/manipulated?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 19, 2015

    Kate, when it comes to Narcs, they will go for whomever falls for their glib charm and love-bombing. Looks really have nothing to do with it, even if they made statements about what kind of physique they like, those were surely just some kind of manipulative comments.

    Try not to get hung up on the new girl’s looks, job, lifestyle, etc. Whatever he is after is whatever benefit he thinks he can get from this person.

    The reason they are able to move on so quickly is because they never form a real bond with their partners. It’s all about narcissistic supply for them and they literally cannot be alone because then there’s no one to mirror to them the image they NEED to see of themselves.

    Long story short – you caught onto him, which means you no longer see his false image, while the new girl does. When she starts to see the real him, the same problems will germinate…

    Hope that helps 🙂

    Reply
      Kate August 20, 2015

      Thanks so much Kim! It’s great to know that I’m alone and that there are so many resources out there (like this website!) for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Looking back at my relationship with my ex-narc I realize that there were so many red flags. He was incessantly pushy in the beginning when I tried to set boundaries about taking things, especially the physical aspect, slow, and insisted on spending nearly every night with me, and would whine like a baby when I was out with friends and couldn’t take his call. At that time, I thought he was just really interested in me, or that he thought I wouldn’t get subtle hints as I tend to be rather reserved and let men make the move.

      I still having withdrawal symptoms where I have to pinch myself from texting him or looking at his social media but I’m slowly recovering. I find that keeping myself busy with meeting new people helps. We dated less than 5 months but it’s the toughest breakup I’ve ever had to endure just because it was so intense so quickly!

      Is there a certain type of people that attract narcissist? I’ve been told that I’m smart, attractive, kind, but I have fairly low self-esteem and want to be “loved” and enjoy attention, not in a narcissistic way but I’m a bit of a people pleaser.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 20, 2015

        Hi Kate, thank you for sharing your experience. To answer your question, there are – in fact – particular personality traits that can make one susceptible to attracting narcissistic individuals. They are: empathic, highly sensitive (HSP), intuitive and/or feeling on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, and generally possessing codependent traits due to childhood wounds. Or, as you put it – a “people pleaser”. The above aren’t traits that we should shy away from, and in fact are what make us good people. The things we’d want to improve upon, however, are establishing healthy boundaries and not accepting abusive behaviors from anyone.

        Reply
      Diane June 14, 2017

      My ex narc was cheating on me our wole marriage and had his whole family and friends sticking up for him and hiding hi affair. As far as looks, the new girl is ugly and has a deformed body, doesn’t work is on welfare and has a kid and has been married 3 times. He hates kids and never bothered wth his own son and called me horrible names and everything that thus new girl actually is. He has money but needs someone to be his mother and maid and he only has a 6th grade education that he hid from me. He had the nerve to tell me that he never had sex wirh this girl and that he still loves me. He is a sick demented person and cant wait for him to get qhat he deserves. I don’t feel bad for the new one because she is a liar and con artist just like him. Shes not even a citizen and kives off welfare and has been married 3 times to men 20 yrs older than her. They deserve each other andci hope they both destroy each other eventually

      Reply
Jay August 11, 2015

I needed to read this article & feel a sense of sanity by doing so. My ex-narc has left me with 3 kids to look after while he is having the time of his life with his new supply. It’s hard to watch & hear about all the romantic things they get up to & he acts so arrogantly infront of me while I am exhausted/stressed / emotional caring for the kids & worrying about finances. I know I’m better of without him & that he will never change…it still hurts all the same

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    sassy October 13, 2015

    wow. your story is identical to my friends.

    Reply
irma2108 July 20, 2015

My ex narc recently got a couples tattoo with his new girlfriend that he jst met. It kind of Makes me feel terrible but I know I shouldn’t because deep down I know it’s all show and fakeness

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    Kim Saeed July 20, 2015

    Thank you for sharing that, irma2108. I realize it was painful to find that out, but know this – it’s inevitable that he will treat the new girl the same. Right now, he’s feeling all giddy because the new girl has proven to be cooperative, submissive, and doesn’t yet know him for who he really is. Once she starts asking questions and wanting to know why he is the way he is, she will take the slow-fall off of the pedestal and he will start searching for new supply. It happens every time. Even when they look happy with the new partner, they still have others in the queue for when the new relationship goes sour. I know that doesn’t make you feel better in the moment. I just wanted you to know that you are way better than him and thank goodness you can start healing yourself and live a wonderful life free from abuse.

    Reply
      Anonymous July 20, 2015

      Thank you Kim Saeed it’s been a long painful 7 months we have two kids a 4 year old and a 2 month old, I left him back when I was 4 months pregnant. He hasn’t even bothered to meet the new baby it’s bums me out at times but I know my children and I are good Where we are at right now. He still even though he has his new girlfriend will message me from time,to time saying he wants me to move back that he’s changed and going to school. Others times he will say he’s tired of waiting for me and I’m jst left thinking how can he say that if as soon as I left he started dating that girl. Now I just try and ignore him I don’t want to feel hurt anymore

      Reply
Cristina July 18, 2015

NO! He will NOT treat the new girlfriend better! I got proof of this last night!
Here I have been worried that my ex Narc might REALLY be moving on with his new girlfriend when he didn’t with me, yet last night I saw him at a concert with his baby mama!! The “psycho” one he hates so much, and wants to ‘get away’ from. Yeah, right! She was hanging on him and he looked unhappy….. REALLY weird. Yet there was my proof I’ve been needing to stop obsessing about him and the new girl. NO, he hasn’t “changed” for anyone else anymore than he said he would for me. He’s a lying, cheating, double-life piece of work. I really don’t know how these guys get away with it…. but girls (and guys), we have to get it in our heads they don’t change. Not with us, not with the next girl, etc. It is frustrating and sad cause we know they have ‘good’ parts, too… assuming those are not a lie/facade, which even that probably is. But the sooner we realize this, the sooner we can move on and heal. There are good men out there. These ones don’t deserve one more second of our thoughts or time.

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    Anonymous June 22, 2017

    So glad I read this..Feeling so much better!!Thank you!!!

    Reply
Teresa July 15, 2015

I left my N after 30yrs..6 children.I am so scared and miserable… He cheated the entire relationship.. He was very abusive to me and the kids…verbal..physical..and emotional.I think I need therapy. I really need a support group or someone to talk too.

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

    Teresa, we’d love to have you join us on the LMR Facebook forum. I would also advise seeing a counselor who specializes in emotional trauma (if you aren’t already). It takes many different approaches to heal from this kind of abuse. Make sure you also incorporate some transformational healing activities.

    Reply
    Karen June 16, 2017

    I too was duped manipulated unloved for 30 years. I can’t believe I let this go on. Wth is wrong with me? My friends call him iceman. I feel I have wasted my life. It’s going to be a long time before I ever trust anyone again. All I ever wanted was for him to love me. I supported our family all that time while he cheated and spent all the money. I have started Kim’s boot camp and have been no contact for 2 months. Moving on. Prayers and hugs for you. I’m still in shock. We will be stronger after this. Karen

    Reply
Anonymous July 4, 2015

Tiffany, from what I see, my ex’s new girlfriend does put up with more crap than I did, which makes her a submissive person and apparently she has low self-esteem too. She seems to think he’s great, even excusing him by saying that he has yet to do anything bad like he’s done to me, with me. It’s sad to watch too. She even gives him money, even though he has money. What’s worse, I know when he starts running out of money and continues to ask her, I believe she will STILL give him money out of pity and believes all his lies as to why he’s broke. Sooner or later she will be stuck with him to the point she won’t know how to get him out of her life. Why doesn’t she wake up and smell the coffee and see that he’s a moocher, a liar, needy whiny jerk???

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    Kim Saeed July 4, 2015

    She will wake up…although it may take her a while.

    Reply
    Tiffany July 13, 2015

    Anonymous, I cannot say for certain that his new girlfriend is putting up with more because I have no idea. What I do know is that he didn’t hide or lie about the fact that he has a wife and daughter. As far as her family is concerned it appears that at least her sibling is on board because she is friends with him on Facebook and ‘likes’ all his posts. Deep down I know his treatment of me was wrong and unfair, yet somehow I keep thinking the “what if” or somehow I was the issue because it’s working with her. The rose-colored glasses I’ve been wearing have come off, I just wish they would stay off. As far as her not waking up…maybe she’s focusing on the good and minimizing the bad. But, eventually that will stop and she will have to face what we are all facing.

    Reply
      Cristina July 13, 2015

      Hi Tiffany
      Yes, I still have bad and good days thinking about him and the new girl… fearing she has it better than me somehow. We do this to ourselves by allowing ourselves to still think about him after all this time. It is a hard habit to break, though. Deep down I know appearances can be deceiving. I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall around them for some time and see what is REALLY going on.I know for a fact they broke up at least once already.
      His main thing is he still supports his ex whom he has 2 kids with, and has had a house w/her for over 20 years (he says he pays the bills but he hardly stays there… SOME of that is true). He has the same old tired story of being stuck with the ex because of finances and that he is always on the verge of leaving. And he sleeps on the couch when he stays there. Right. That is what he told me nearly 6 years ago and NOTHING has changed!!!! Now he has the new girl believing she will be the special one to finally get him away. I will fear that can happen since his kids are older now, but I can’t see him ever totally letting the ex go. He CAN’T since they have the kids together and she doesn’t work. It’s a lose-lose situation for any new girl, which is why I got out sooner than later!!! I do see the truth in this article for the fact that his new girl houses him, where I was always only half way in saying “NO way” am I gonna pay your way when you’re still paying for another woman! So new girl is letting him take more advantage of her and feeding his ego more than I was willing to. I think she let him live w/her just to make sure he’s not living with the ex. I’m sure he is probably loving having TWO women fighting to do his laundry, feed him, etc! These guys are so pathetic!! WHY do we even think for one more second about them???
      I have been no contact for at least 6 months now. Last time he hoovered was late May…. with a LAME text (as usual) saying “I hope all is well”. They are so full of it…. like they truly care about ANY girl to treat us all the way they treat us. He has been with the new GF for approx 9 months… I think. It bothers me and surprises me that they are still together, although it shouldn’t cause he is such a convincing LIAR so he probably has her fooled like he did me, and he CANNOT be alone. But we have to wonder how much they really care about the new girl when they still hoover us. I think mine is finally giving up… although no more than 2 months has gone by in the last 5 years without him trying to contact me. (I tried blocking him on my phone but his texts still come through.) When I think about it that way, I can only feel sorry for the new girl. Who wants a man that has to constantly try to contact old girlfriends, on top of still having a home with his ex? That is NOT normal. Once I move on and am in love with someone, I would never even think to contact an old boyfriend. If I saw him on the street, that would be something different. But since they hoover it goes to show they can’t be 100% happy with the new girl, or are bored and still want to keep exes in their sick queue, harem, or whatever they THINK they have going on. Either way we are all better off without them and their sick mind games…we are just lonely and sad cause we have not found a healthy relationship yet, so our minds play tricks on us that he “won” and has found “love”. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that is not the case. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior… at least where these psychologically stunted men are concerned.

      Reply
        Tiffany July 14, 2015

        Cristina, thank you so much for your response. Our stories are similar. My ex has a wife and a child that he has to pay support for. One of the major issues I had was his lack of work ethic. I told him that he needed to work full-time and that he should not expect me to pay or contribute to his financial obligations to his then still wife and daughter. I told him that I would not suffer in any way or downgrade my lifestyle so he could take care of them because that was his responsibility. He didn’t take very kindly to that or to the fact that I refused to move in with him while he was still legally married to her. I, of course, was selfish, disgusting, didn’t know how to be in a real relationship, and was a slew of other expletives as well. He also got physical with me a handful of times, destroyed some of my possessions, and even tried to spit on me several times. All of these I provoked due to my inability to be a real partner among other things. He said that I was looking for reasons to not be with him and that I would die alone and without a partner or children because unlike him, who put me first, I put myself, family, and friends above him. He was essentially homeless at some point and said if I really loved him I would have put my stupid “hang-ups” aside and moved in together to split the bills and rent 50/50 so he could file for custody of his daughter.
        He now has an apartment that I’m certain he’s sharing with her and they seem to be one happy little family now. The last time he hoovered was last May where he was waiting outside my job and called my name several times, but I walked by him and acted like I didn’t see him. This past January I had voicemail from him that I didn’t listen to and deleted though I think it was a misdial as he had several pics posted on FB that same day where you can see his daughter and part of this woman’s body. I realize and hate how ridiculous I sound. The fact that he has stopped hoovering and remains with her makes me feel like I was the issue or missed out and that she is getting all the things that I wanted and was promised. I tried dating a couple of times and nothing has stuck, whereas he has moved on so easily. I feel like he has learned from his mistakes with me and is a better person with her. I will remind myself that past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior to help me get out of this rut.

        Reply
    Cristina July 14, 2015

    Tiffany, I know it hurts but you are WAY better off without him. Physical abuse is an ABSOLUTE DEAL BREAKER! You could lose your LIFE! Stay strong and don’t dwell on the negative things he said about you. They know what to say to get to us, and can get beyond mean. I don’t know about you but I sure don’t want “MEAN” in my life, esp from someone who is supposed to love me. He is highly manipulative from what you are saying… blaming you for standing up for yourself cause he couldn’t get away with all he wanted to with you. He wanted you to pay his way cause that’s the kind of parasite he is. I’m sure his new girlfriend pays for the apartment. These guys DO NOT LOVE. They USE. They all want control and when we don’t give it to them they try to find someone else who will.
    I also have feared that my ex learned from his mistakes with me, and that will be an advantage for the new girl. Goes to show we are just thinking like anyone would in our situation. Whether he learned to behave better or not doesn’t really matter, cause they are so messed up in other ways that I believe they will always mess something up, somehow. Especially the cheating part. Cheating is my biggest deal breaker, and these guys can’t seem to decide who they want to be with. I had to ask myself, “Do I really believe this next girl will be the one and only, LAST girl he will EVER sleep with???” I think we all know the answer to that!!
    As far as the new girl goes… I believe the biggest doormat wins!!! We can feel like they like them better, and maybe they do, but not for the reasons we think. They like them cause they will provide more food, sex, shelter, ego strokes, etc for them without complaining, either cause they haven’t figured them out yet, or their self esteem is that low that they are willing to do anything to have man, any man, even if he cheats on them!! Maybe they like the drama and competition? Narcs have a way of making every girl think she is really the top one they love the most. That is one part that upset me the most… believing that lie! That is how they operate, though. Who wants to settle for THAT kind of “relationship”?? It’s all one-sided. All about HIM and his selfish needs. NO man is worth “fighting” over. Their lives are ruled by their precious egos and they are too immature to ever love anyone for real.

    What we are really missing is the fantasy of what they had us thinking the relationship would be, not the reality of it. How many women have they had ‘waiting’ for some circumstance in their life to change before they will commit? They don’t even commit to their wives!!! It’s all a con!! An easy way to keep women strung along forever, while they do what they want with whoever they want and get away with having multiple women. What I have learned is that if someone loves you, they will be with you only, and not have a million excuses as to why they can’t totally leave an ex, etc. I know many divorced people who let go of the old and move on to the new without some weird kind of attachment to their exes. Most don’t seem to want to see their exes at all if it weren’t for having kids together.

    The other week I was telling someone about my ex narc’s lifestyle. He has (at least) two women, both don’t work, both don’t drive, he tries to avoid work, house jumps, and tries to get away with NOT paying for anything he possibly can get away with, etc. She commented that it sounds like a Jerry Springer episode, which made me laugh and woke me up to what the reality of what the situation is. WHO wants their life to resemble a Jerry Springer episode!!?

    Reply
      Tiffany July 16, 2015

      Hi Christina,

      Thank you for being a voice of reason through all this. I’m sorry that I keep going on and on about him and my situation. I don’t want to tire you out like I seem to have done to my family and some friends. Everyone says move on and let go like it’s so simple. My family tells me how stupid I’m being because it’s been enough time and how he could care less about me and has someone else and I’m stuck and wasting my life. I don’t think anyone who hasn’t experienced what we have can truly understand the pain and emotions we go through.
      My ex spoke ill of his ex and said he only cared about her in so far as she had his daughter. It bothered me that he waited at least 8 months to file for divorce after they “broke up.” They were so many things that he did that bothered me but his excuse was always that he had a child so I needed to understand. There was always a reason I needed to understand and be patient about his actions. I’m trying my best to see the whole picture and not get stuck on the good times and the future I thought I would have with him. I was not his doormat and that was a huge problem because I wouldn’t go along with what he said just because he said or wanted it. I am certain that I deserved to be respected and I need to get the thought that I somehow caused or provoked his reactions out of my mind. It’s been so long and his voice is still in my head and the what ifs have lessened but haven’t vanished.
      I will remind myself that she and they aren’t somehow better or happier than I am, though that’s what I think or feel.

      Thanks,

      Tiffany

      Reply
Tiffany June 30, 2015

Hello, I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and I wish everyone strength. When my relationship ended with my N, I was in the lowest and most painful position I had been in my life. I was in a fog. I was depressed, crying, had zero motivation for anything, and let everything and everyone fall by the wayside. He was the first person I fell in love with, was intimate with, and saw a future with. In the beginning it was amazing. He was kind, loving, made me feel as the Rihanna song goes, like I was the only girl in the world. I even stuck around and justified his withholding information (lying) when I found out he was married and had a child. I believed the myriad of reasons he gave about not telling me and dealt with the backlash I received from his wife and my family. I later learned that nothing I ever did would be enough. The bar would constantly move higher and expectations grew bigger. When he wouldn’t get what he wanted and that happened frequently because I refused to budge on certain, he would explode. I’ve been called disgusting names, wished death on, been spit on, pushed, hit, threatened, and at one point while driving had chocolate milk poured all over me while his child slept in the back. I am not proud that I stayed nor am I proud that even after nearly 2 years, I still have thoughts of him, the good times, and how he’s probably so happy with his new partner etc. I judge myself constantly, wish I could just let go and be completely free. I’ve been focusing on myself and stayed busy. Work has improved, relationships with family and friends have been rekindled and I’ve bought a home. I feel a sense of peace and calm that was missing and a freedom that I had lost. Problem is that from time to time, especially when I’m lonely or something has gone wrong, I think of him. I feel like he’s changed and is better with her because he didn’t lie to her about his situation with a child and wife. I never got over that and never fully trusted him after that. I wouldn’t move in with him or meet his mother or have a child until he was legally divorced. She’s met his mother and they’re even friends on Facebook and has been living with him even without his divorce being finalized. To sum it up, she didn’t and doesn’t have the hang-ups I do and I feel like she’s getting everything I wanted. It’s the old “what does she have that I don’t?” He’s never publicly posted a picture of them together, but he does post pictures of his daughter and you can see her body, feet, etc. She of course “likes” all his postings and on his birthday he publicly put that they were at the Lebanese restaurant together that he and I had gone to together. I am also Lebanese. I’ve read so much…and yet I still feel a sense of loss, wonder why it’s working with her and I couldn’t make it work, and just feel like she has the new and improved him. Any comments would be appreciated.

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    Becky June 30, 2015

    I know how u feel. My ex N ‘s contacted me, asking wat he was really like becuz like he did to me, he wanted to rush into moving in an marriage. I warned her but she believes she loves him becuz he treats her like a queen supposedly, cooks for her, fixes things, drives far to see her. Her own mother an best friend warned her also, all to no avail. I guess she doesn’t believe me, now I feel there was no point in helping her. She will find out the hard way all in due time. Right now hes on his best behavior so she’s blind. I feel sorry for her.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed June 30, 2015

      Becky, many of us want to “save” the new person in the Narc’s life, but as you said, they typically have to learn the hard way – just like us.

      Reply
    Cristina July 2, 2015

    I know how you feel Tiffany. I have been feeling exactly the same way that the new girl is somehow better than me and getting more of what I wanted. I’m sure it’s all a facade, though. The truth is she was more willing than me to do everything he wants! So she is better supply.
    My ex Narc also does the same things with her that he did with me. That is a big OUCH. You feel so ‘replaced’. He takes her the same places, and even bought her the same gift he bought me! From the outside it looks like she is getting only the good parts of him. He seems more committed and public with this relationship than he was with me…. but she is also putting up with more than I was willing to. Goes to show narcs are basically all the same in their behavior. They were good to us in the beginning, too.The odds are that no matter what it looks like, somewhere down the road the new girl will get exactly what we got: Misery and disappointment.
    Hopefully I can post this link. This radio show talks all about how women feel about the ‘new girl’ having it better than we had it. This really helped me!

    http://www.blogtalkradio.com/relational-harm-reduction/2014/10/24/after-a-pathological-love-relationship-hes-moved-on-and-is-with-someone-new

    Reply
      Kim Saeed July 3, 2015

      I’d be more than glad to share Sandra’s radio segment 🙂 She’s a pioneer in pathological abuse. I refer to her books all the time!

      Reply
      Coquette July 4, 2015

      Thank you so much for posting that discussion! It was super helpful for me to hear. Will listen to the other ones they have on this topic.

      Reply
      Tiffany July 13, 2015

      Thank you so much Christina. I’m sorry that you’re experiencing the same things I am, but I am relieved that I am not crazy for having these feelings. Have you experienced these feelings for a long period of time or do you find they come and go? I have been no contact for about a year and a half and as much as I wish that I was “over it” I find that they haunt me and the pain is still there. Thank you for the link, I will definitely check it out.

      Reply
    Kim January 2, 2016

    I totally understand you. This is exactly how I feel. It’s been 8 months and when I’m on my own he comes to my mind. What I hate is the fact that sometimes I still look for him in Facebook and it’ s so self-destructivr and so disgusting. I hate when I do this. I’m praying to God to completly take him out of my mind. I am happy you got out of this situation. We don’t deserve this….ever. Hugs

    Reply
Mary June 16, 2015

Thank you very much kim, I really thank you for the time you put into these articles, they really, really help me and so many others as well. God bless you!

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Mary June 7, 2015

Is was like this for 7 years! He cheated on me from the start. I have 2 boys with him. He abused me pysically,emotionally, and verbally.. He’s been in jail twice for drug charges, and deported 3 different times. I’ve always tried to leave him, but he knew exactly how to get me back. It was like a cycle happening again and again.. I felt trapped to him. On july of 2014 he was so coked and drunk that he chocked me and hit me numerous times and thats when i decided to end it for good. I did no contact since that day. Yess he’ll come to see the kids and he used them to get me back. Less than a month i find out that he has moved in with his new supply 1 hr away from here. And he still continued to kiss ass to me.. He went back to jail all wrote me letters kissing ass to me, telling me that he doesnt love this girl and he’s just with her because he cant be by himself.. I peek once at their facebook and they look so happy and all lovey-dovey. So i started to get a bit confused.. Has he changed with her? He has probation on him, so i think maybe the law can make him turn normal? I feel like he’s changing his ways for her. We recently went to court for the custody of our children and he looks so calm and different. He says that with her it’s different because she pays attention to him and i didnt because i was always busy with my kids,school,work….he craves for attention sooo much! I feel like maybe he is changing for her!! That he is truly happy with her.I get soo mad thinking that things with him are going so good and im just here stuck thinking back at everything he did to me..i hate him sooo much for everything he has done to me! I feel like im going crazy thinking the “honeymoon” phase with them and how much she is enjoying him right now.. But she honestly doesnt know whats coming her way.. I need advice plz?

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Nenna May 29, 2015

Hi,

I was with someone who is a narcissist for a few years and really struggling after a discard right now. I thought it was the love of my life and the connection i felt with him and the things we had in common were like with no other guy i have been with. He started changing slowly, in the beginning he was the kindest most patient man, anger started sipping in in forms of anger directed to others and things around him. Slowly it started turning on me, but it was so gradual and so weird that i was really hooked before i realized something was terribly wrong.

I was always very kind to him and patient trying to understand his moodswings, but it all became a world about him. It was like my soul was dying inside, he cared less and less about what i felt and wanted. Projection and blaming started slowly and became more and more intense, my head has been and is spinning in hundred directions because i was trying to make sense of it all. He was so mean to me, i could hardly believe it was true, its like i felt sorry for him because to be acting like that i thought and felt he is hurting inside. I trauma bonded with him as a consequence, and now after the final discard I’m re-living the abuse. All of it. I get full of anger and sadness to why he treated me so badly, and still live under his invisible power of mind games and that “i was mean” and the smallest thing i did wrong i was punished for in astronomical proportions.

I was angry and stood up for myself and i felt like i could not agree to his abuse to me anymore, so i told him off and was mean back saying exactly what was on my mind. He blamed me saying that now he realized what type of person i was and that he never wanted to see me again. With that he disappeared.

I miss him, my head is spinning, I’m also angry. I feel like i will never find someone who i enjoyed as many things together with as with him. Im secretly dreaming hoping that we will get back together. I feel like it is like i was poisoned and im having withdrawals. I would never accept this behavior in a friend, its like i got into it too deep and now im dealing with deeper wounds that i allowed my self to get by not leaving it earlier. I really just wanted it so badly to work because i was so in love with him.

Please advise ?

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Becky May 3, 2015

This article helped me more than any of the others on narcissistic people. I no longer care about my ex’s new life with his new girlfriend, because I’m free of his crap an I feel sorry for her. If she’s smart, she will find out soon enough that he’s a loser an gets rid of him fast. If she keeps him I pity her simply because she is in for a rude awakening

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Lashaun April 30, 2015

I honestly believe every little word and I will also take in what u have told me because I know deep in my heart and in my soul that this is the got damn truth, the truth I been looking for so long and I finally found it!!!! Thank u

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 30, 2015

    and thank YOU for stopping by, Lashaun <3

    Reply
      cadkinson35 April 30, 2015

      Hello mrs kim can u please help and answer my situation ok my husband moved to houston with this new girl before he left hevwas calling me all the time I was doing NC with him and was doing a excellent excellent job then when he got to houston he was texting me how hard it is for him to be away from me and his kids and he wishes me best and he is sorry about our marriage so on so on I never respond so then one sunday he called I was very sad ? when he sent me that text cause it seemlike he was being so real with his feelings cause we have been together for 15yrs married 10yrs so when I answered he said he had just came from church and I got to telling him how I feel so we get off the ph and he sends me a text message asking me have I been with another man I told him no and how I take my marriage vows seriously the next day was our anniversary so then he wishes me happy ? annversary so me and the girl he mess with ex husband we are real cool i.forward what my husband had text me 2 hr later my husband calls me disrepecting me saying that her ex husband forward the message over to her witch hr said he does not deal with her and my husband said iam trying to mess up his relationship I don’t need to call ? him only if is about his kids when it was him calling me and that he is in love ❤ with that girl so how do I deal with this situation I feel she went threw his ph I really can’t say but for him to disrepect me when it was him bothering me how do I deal with this he says he hates me He want custody of his kids and that he wants a divorce what he is not understanding he cannot get custody of my. Kids and he has had plenty money ? before he left he could have filed for a divorce its been 2 weeks he has not called i think he has fliped the NC on me now he had this planned tell me what do I do and what do u think please respond thxs!!!

      Reply
Nicole April 27, 2015

This article is everything to me right now. I feel so much better. THANK YOU.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 27, 2015

    Thank you for letting me know that, Nicole. I’m so happy it has helped you <3

    Reply
Paul April 21, 2015

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take off a layer of stockings or the all too familiar guilt tripping you just want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bonded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, working on my Ph.D., and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years of marriage. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought; I would see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

Reply
Paul April 21, 2015

My narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings or all you want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bonded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, working on my Ph.D., and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years of marriage. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought; I would see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

Reply
Paul April 21, 2015

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician that made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of being initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University. Once she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair; she sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appeared apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shots begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but then came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then there was the withholding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings or all you want to do is screw me, but she was my wife, I desired her. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired about her occupation; she would reply I am a physician but I hate my patients. At first it sounded cute, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault; she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bounded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought, I see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority. I am angry that we adopted a child, if I knew of her NPD; I would have reconsidered my actions to adopt. I had to repent for what I brought my daughter into.

Reply
Paul April 21, 2015

My narcissist soon to be ex-wife love bombed me with flowers, it caught me by complete surprised. She is a physician which made the allure that much engaging, she cooked, and hurried me to get my passport and took me on vacations. In addition, she introduced me to her physician friends now mind you, I am working on my Ph.D., so the idea of be initiated or socialized into her circle of friends was blinding because she put me on a pedestal, until while attending her awards ceremony at a Johns Hopkins University, she saw me engaging in a conversation with her department chair. She sat down, inserted herself into the conversation and emasculated me in front of her chair, his mouth dropped in shock, I had to keep a straight face but when we left, once outside I scolded her. She appear apologetic, at least I thought, then shortly after her pot-shot begin. I ignored them as growing pains in a new marriage, but than came the tantrums over anything I did. Followed came, throwing objects at me, followed by more unnecessary arguments, and put downs. Then the with holding of sex and affection, comments, like I have a surprise for you, when she arrived home, I will let you take of a layer of stockings. This too was surprising, whenever, we meet guests that inquired what she does, she replied I am a physician but I hate my patients. I sounded cute at first, but all along she feigned empathy, she really hated her patients a lack of empathy. She trying to leave medicine and go into research. The discard was crazy, we adopted a newborn the by-product of a sexual assault, she put on a front to the stressful mother and used my desire to have my first child that we would provide a stable home. Well 11-months after adoption was finalized and I bounded with our daughter, she kicked me out of the house telling me I needed to leave, she could take care of our daughter (i.e., object) by herself. At present, I am job hunting, apartment hunting, and preparing for a separation/divorce after five years. All of the people, I know never saw anything like the situation nor her lack of empathy for our daughter’s stability of a home and less than year old know her adopted father. I never thought, I see someone rip my heart out and emasculate me with a glazed look in her eye of dominance and superiority.

Reply
Katie April 20, 2015

Dear kim,
I has with my N for 8 months…at the beginning we were just friends and he was the biggest player. Sleeping with 2 women a week, lying to them. We became best friends as we always hung out. I cooked for him, organised holidays, organised days out, got him my friends to be his, sorted out his clothes, helped a friend of his get a job, helped him start an MBA (which he stopped after we broke up because he wasn’t really interested) we started dating and after a month he wanted me to move in. He is over 6ft tall, dark very handsome so women throw themselves at him. He stuck to me like glue at certain times it was suffocating. I really liked him as I just felt like he was vunerable and needed love. He is extremely childish and also a mammas boy as his mum spoiled him because his dad didn’t love him much due to his mum just focusing attention on him. He would always criticise me about my body as he is very built. We started arguing as something with him didn’t feel right. I never felt secure although he never cheated on me. He broke up with me over 2 weeks of arguing as I think his mum told him too as she didn’t see him ‘happy’ with me since we were always arguing. His mum had come to stay with us for 6 weeks and they always made me feel a bit left out. Also his mum came from a small town and although used to like me was a but worried about my ethnicity and how it would impact the grandchildren in terms of my religion. He just dumped me told me to get away from him, I still organised his birthday as it was all booked and he still told me he had no feelings that my body wasn’t for him that we had nothing in common. He put all my stuff in boxes and left them by the door, he started sleeping around immediately, deleted me off facebook. I had introduced him to all my friends as he didn’t have any and he tried to organise stuff with them without me. There was one girl during the course of our relationship I didn’t really trust and knew she liked him, and we had a fight about her. He even said to me that I was crazy as he thought she wasn’t even hot and I should be jealous of someone who is. Anyway 4 months after a very bad break up (I have to see him all the time as we have the same social circle but I just stopped speaking to him- he tried to text me once I ignored) he is seeing that very girl as she started spending all her time with him. Our social circle is the same so it is so painful and humiliating for me. I don’t know how to handle it. I was really good to him and I know I didn’t deserve how he ended it…now he is with this new girl and many of my friends know her too and fell its awkward and some have even advised me to stay away from them so I don’t get more hurt. She saddens me the most as she knew exactly what I went through. He makes me so sad.

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Mamajona April 13, 2015

I’m not a psychologist but after 2.5years with a Narc and 3 years recovery ( thank God!) I now think I have less of a cloudy mind to come to this conclusion.

Narcs do indeed treat their next victims better after discarding you but its not because she is better than you.
The N has no capacity to intuitively sense what his new catch likes or dislikes so they find out by trial and error. And what better template to use than your past reactions to his actions in the relationship he has discarded?

I hated clubs, drinking and the fact that my ex spent so many nights out leaving me lonely with a crying baby. Well,guess what? After we broke up and he ‘coincidentally’ started dating the girl i had suspected he was cheating on me with, he told me that he doesnt even go out or drink anymore. That they spend their evenings at home and that now he realizes that this is all i had ever wanted. This tore me so badly but now I can see right through it. Oh and yeah, he got her pregnant ( just like me) and then married her (the one thing i had wanted most is for him to marry me.)

So , from the outside it looks like he is treating her better. The truth is he knows all the things he did to de-value you so with his new catch, he deliverately does the opposite as part of the love-bombing phase. He will also make sure that you see or hear about it. It serves to secure new supply as well as exact his sick revenge on you for daring to have a life after him.

Oh, another thing….Whatever thing you ‘need’ the N for in your life is the very thing he will use to tear you to shreds. I never understood why in all our arguments,after going over and over my hurt he would ask ‘so what do you want now?’. I would then proceed to explain how i would like him to stop doing A,B,C. He would give me a dead-pan expession and say ‘ok’. Then guess what….after a short while he would be back to doing,-you guessed it-A,B,C.

I have bookmarked this article on my phone to remind myself that going no contact was the best thing i ever did for myself and my son.

Peace and love to all of you who are in the early stages of discovery or recovery.I never thought I would ever get to the other side. Trust yourself, be gntle with yourself and eventually, you too will smile again.

Reply
    Kim Saeed April 13, 2015

    Best wishes for your recovery and with maintaining No Contact, Mamajona. One day you’ll be glad he married someone else instead of trapping you inside his crazy world… <3

    Reply
Hannah March 25, 2015

My ex sounds just like this we have been split up for 2 months and he’s already with a girl and taken her on holiday and they have been going on about what a good time they had all over face book? He has destroyed me and I feel so worthless

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anirevla March 22, 2015

Hi Kim Saeed! First of all i’d like to thank you for writing this topic. I just went out of an unhealthy relationship with a narcissist. i had a relationship with him for in total 6 years. after more or less few months dating, i actually already felt there was a crack in him. but i always gave him the benefit of doubt. because i’m that type of person who is forgiving and likely to give something or someone a second chance. throughout the years, i had good moments and also those tormenting moments with him. the same like all the women who went through the same story as i did, I stayed in the relationship because i believed that deep down he had a good heart, and that he would change or i could help him to be a better man. but i was totally wrong. he never changed. he always had a way to put me down. when i was with him, i went from being “happy” to be confused then to be angry then to be hurt then to be totally nuts. there were times when he seemed to be sorry for being such an ass. he said that he didn’t want me to be sad and he put his ‘spell’ on me that he would be nicer and better. but it was just his trick to sustain his narcissistic supply as you have mentioned in your blog.

one year ago, i found out on his computer few separate folders containing photos with his ex-lovers (3 different women). and crazily, i noticed that those pictures were taken when he was also seeing me. i think, when i started dating him, i was his mistress first. then after sometime became his ‘main lady’. when i found out about those pictures, i was thinking to leave him right away. but on the second thought, i assumed he might have already changed. because we had such serious relationship for a long time. and he’s already older now. he’s by the way 30 years old now. so yeah, i was so naive at that time, i thought he wouldn’t cheat or lie to me because we were in a serious and long time relationship.

but then again, what i thought was wright was the opposite.
1,5 week ago i found out that he had an affair with another woman. i saw his flirtatious with his new victim on facebook. i came to his place confronted him right away. he didn’t deny it, although he didn’t literally admit that he went cheating. he did say things like: he didn’t know what he was doing, he did that because he was just being crazy, he said that i was too good for him, he said that i didn’t make any mistake nor there was something wrong in me, he said that he was a stupid asshole. but if i recall, he didn’t say any word SORRY to me. NOT AT ALL. it showed enough that he is a true narcissist, right?

so during the night that i confronted him, it was the last time i was with him. when i left his place, this F****er was still trying to play his game. he was hugging me, looking sad or regret, blew me a kiss and cried. i think he did that because he thought i would still buy his actions. but THANK GOD i was strong enough not to fall for his trap. the next day he called me to ask if i arrived home safely and about what i was going to do on that day etc. he also asked for the clarification about us. DUUHH,, it was obvious that it was over. so i also simply said, “it was obvious that it was over”. he said “ok”. then he asked again if i want to stay in contact with him. I MEAN, COME ON. that jerk was f***ing lying to me, and he dared to ask me if still wanted to stay in contact with him, as if nothing happened? that really confirmed that he is mentally ill.

since then i perform the NO CONTACT actions. i also blocked him from every single mean of communication. but yeah. i’m also human who has weaknesses. just yesterday, i checked his and his new victim’s facebook. i saw that this girl posted a photo of them. i felt a jab in my heart. i became a bit angry. i even almost called him and would yell at him, telling how he could be so heartless being so happy with this girl and one week ago he seemed regret and he even cried that i was leaving him. but THANK GOD i read this post!! Kim, you made me realize again, that my ex is just a narcissist who he will never change and that he will do the same thing to his new victim what he did to me. the picture that i saw was another confirmation that he is a narcissist who never had and never will have genuine feelings for his partner. i would be wasting more of my time to linger myself onto how he wronged me. it’s time for me to live my life free from that monster.

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Cyn March 3, 2015

I was with a guy for 13 years had 2 kids, he really didn’t take me out or showed me love like that. Now he has a new girl he does everything and anything for her in he’s been with her for 5 years. Why is that?

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llll7 January 18, 2015

This is such a great article and describes exactly what happened to me last year. Before becoming a couple my ex and I were just good friends but he was always flirty with me. I was never interested in him but I liked being around him as it was always fun. However, he started chasing me like crazy and somehow we ended up dating. The first phase was exactly how you describted it, he was “love-bombing” me and I enjoyed his attention and the time we had together so I really fell in love with him. I had to go overseas around six months after we had started dating but only for two weeks. When I came back be barely had time for me anymore and always found new excuses. Unfortunatly, I did not get the sign back then, I could not imagine the guy who adored me so much losing interest after such a short period of time. He started dating another girl behind my back but he did not tell me, he made me feel guilty about everything and used every situation to humiliate me. After that he contacted me again saying that he misses me. It was a back and forth. I often ended it and he made me feel guilty for not giving him time to think about his feelings, he just never wanted to let me go completely. Eventually it was a friend of mine who told me that he has another girlfriend. This girl used to date his best friend but after this guy has left the country because of a job, she started seeing my ex (who she knew for years while just being after his friend). I was so upset not so much because of him but because I realised how much he played with me, I felt so worthless and used. After I have told him that I know what is going on he was not even keen on talking to me in person and telling me what happened. He just told me that he is so in love now and that he wants to change and that he would never treat his new girlfriend how he treated me. I know that he must have been together with her for a while, while still contacting me (I found that out afterwards, I was not aware that he has a girlfriend when I was seeing him) so I thought no he will not change. However, Now they have been together for over a year, she is a real partygirl and offers him a great life and the same time he can have the girl that his ‘amazing’ friend used to date. I feel like he has changed cos he is so committed and does not to hunt other girls anymore. I do not wish the girl anything bad and if he is in love with her, he should be together with her, I am just struggeling to understand why he had to be so disrepsectful to me… Could it be that those guys can change if they are really in love?

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    Kim Saeed January 18, 2015

    llll7,

    Thank you for reading my post and for reaching out.

    I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I know it must be painful, as well as frustrating. To address your question, “Can guys change if they are in love?” That all depends. If this guy is truly a Narcissist, then the answer would be, “No”. And again, if he’s a Narcissist, then it will only be a matter of time before he is “hunting” other women. There are some clues that indicate he may have some narcissistic traits, such as his saying “he is so in love now and that he wants to change and that he would never treat his new girlfriend how he treated you”. Normal guys don’t typically say stuff like that. Also, if he’s so happy, he wouldn’t have been talking to you behind her back.

    He didn’t act disrespectful towards you because you deserve it in any way. He did that because you called him out on his behavior and he had to find a way to make it seem you were somehow not good enough, and further that there’s something about you that he “couldn’t change for”. All Narcs say that. Every single time.

    Try not to internalize this. It happened because he’s a loser and probably a Narcissist. I hope you’ve blocked him from being able to get in touch with you. He’ll probably try to come back around at some point.

    Reply
      llll7 January 19, 2015

      Thank you so much for your reply. I am so glad I have found your blog, you are describing so well how I was treated by my ex and it helps to understand that it is not something personal that happened to me but that his behavior is more a reflection of his poor character. I felt so used and worthless that I have lost a lot of weight and sometimes I did not even found the strenghts to get up in the morning. Unofatunately it was me who offered to talk to him a last time a few months after I found out what happened as he was too much of a coward to talk to me personally back then and I wanted him to be a man and face me and tell me why and what he did. When I asked him back then he just told me ´you are beautiful and everything but there was nothing between us´ even though it was him chasing me like crazy and not wanted to let me go but well I guess that matches with what you wrote about narcissists´obsession with looks. Of course my ex refused to talk to me and just told me that he is too happy at the moment with his girl so that he does not want to creat any extra problems. However, everytime I ran into him he was either hitting on my friend in front of my eyes (only when his gf was not with him of course) or showed me how happy he is with his girl by standing close to me and kissing her in front of me. Now luckly I could change University to finish my PhD in another city, I just could not do it anymore. I hope the distance will help me. I do not want to be a jealous person or wishing anyone anything bad but his happiness is hard for me to accept sometimes especially when I feel so low.
      Thank you again for your blog and your thoughts on my situation. It is really helpful for someone like me who is going through something like this for the first time and is just lost with the situation.

      Reply
      Anonymous March 7, 2015

      Hi Kim I had sex with my narsc what do I do to heal and get back were I was please help frfr I was with him for 14 yrs he left me and my kids for this woman he said we were not happy and I done everything like a wife was supposed to do please tell me what to do I was reading these comments and he fits the description of a narsc he is a frfr user please help we have 3 kids together he wants to keep our kids now but please respond to this post..

      Reply
        Kim Saeed March 13, 2015

        Anon, if you feel you are being mistreated and used, the best thing to do would be to cease having intimate relations and figure out an exit strategy.

        Reply
anon January 17, 2015

Wow this is the first thing I’ve read that literally felt like it was my life. I came out of a relationship a month ago that HE ended ironically. At first it was over the top concern for me, showering me with affection, constant texts soppy pictures, leaving me notes, fussing and then it just all seemed to dissolve. We argued constantly, he’d scream at me too and punch things – he’d get angry over tiny things. I always felt like he was lying to me, like a gut instinct I couldn’t explain, made me feel constantly uneasy. Everything had to be his way and on his terms, he was desperate for children which he made clear pretty much from the beginning, but I was too young and didn’t want that yet. I was criticised for things constantly, felt like I NEEDED approval, he’d always say I didn’t cos I had my own mind, but if I ever did do something on my own terms he’d go mad anyway so I couldn’t win. He could never ever be wrong, he’d make comments about stupid things and then said I was too sensitive. I became anxious, depressed and lacked any self worth, he hardly ever initiated sex, was up and down with affection and communication – of course he never saw the error of his ways and my depression became my illness, he’d got sick of it and said I was dragging him down – couldn’t he see it was him? I’d never been like this before, had a very healthy relationship two years previous and never felt paranoid, or nervous or low. Anyway now it’s all me of course and i’m ‘mental’ he even threatened restraining orders because i’m ‘mental’ how ridiculous is that. He even tried to say I’d made HIM depressed and he was ‘ill’ and I took HIS confidence away haha, so much so that he was back to dating 2 weeks later and thought it was nice to tell me he’s talking to someone whose amazing. I’m left in bits of course but I hope and pray one day it’ll get better and I’ll get my personality back and all the confidence back I had sucked out of me. He’s a relatively mature adult too and the people close to him think he’s this great guy whose been treated ‘badly’ by all these women – OPEN YOUR EYES. I realise now, pretty much every BS story he told me, every line, every picture, every phrase none of them were special for me they aren’t special for anyone, he’ll be feeding the same rubbish to some other poor woman…and I dread to think how long it will take her to work him out

Reply
sothisisholland January 10, 2015

Reblogged this on sothisisholland and commented:
Wow…..this woman knows what she’s talking about, lol.

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 12, 2015

    Thank you so very much for reading my blog and for sharing my post 🙂

    Reply
Sher January 8, 2015

This speaks right into my current situation… My soon to be ex Narcissist had his new girlfriend and her sons over for dinner with our two kids during the holidays, just a few weeks after we separated (I just found out about her the day after Christmas from our kids).
I had a nagging feeling there was someone else. Recently he had to have a talk with me about all the mistakes he made during our marriage. No emotion, just reading off a list his sponsor helped him with. When he finished I asked what his purpose was in telling me this (since he never apologized). “I don’t want to make the same mistakes again”.

I was shocked, not jealous at all….I’m the one who ended it….but shocked he could move on to someone so quickly. It was though our 23 years together meant absolutely nothing. Meanwhile I’m doing my best to heal from the pain and abuse of his narcissistic behavior that entire time. He didn’t need to heal….he has nothing to heal from.

I found out this new girl has been around for a while, being groomed and waiting in the wings while I was preparing to get out. I haven’t seen her but the way my daughter described her (she wanted to talk about it so I just listened – biting my tongue) seems she has a very different lifestyle and has nothing at all in common with my ex. I’m pretty sure she may have been the first one to flirt or give him sexual attention and he immediately responded. He’s not very discerning.

It sounds like he’s right on cue with lovebombing, taking her out to expensive dinners, spa treatments, cooking for her at her place, etc. When our kids are with him he’s gone every night.

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Life is Great ! January 8, 2015

Reblogged this on Narcissistic Sociopathic Abuse and commented:
Kim is my absolute favorite blogger. She is also someone I consulted with in the development stages of this blog and was extremely helpful and encouraging. Her dedication and work she invests to raise awareness and promote healing and recovery from abuse is admirable. There is one difference that does not apply to the Narcissist in our situation. He IS NOT attracted to people who are more attractive than he is. He preys upon women who have a very low self-esteem and poor self-image of their selves because he is obsessed with his own appearance and would never want to feel as though he is in competition with anyone. I had gained weight during our relationship due to all the stressors living with a Narcissist can cause. Since I got rid of him I have lost more than 30 pounds and am steadily continuing to lose more. Life couldn’t be better but when he first reappeared it was a vulnerable time. He prefers women who are NOT interested in their personal appearance. This gives him the advantage. He wants all the attention to be focused on him. Between me and his wife who spent all her money on him too, he had more clothes and shoes than both of us put together. He was extremely spoiled. He never wanted for anything.

I don’t mean to imply that anyone he has ever been in a relationship with are “ugly ducklings”. That is not true AT ALL. He is attracted to people who caring because they are the ones who will take care of him and that is his number one priority, not their appearance. They will eventually become hidden and obsolete from his life anyways.

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    Kim Saeed January 12, 2015

    Wow, thank you for such encouragement, Life is Great! And what an honor, indeed.

    You are absolutely correct that weight gain is a symptom of emotional abuse, due to all the stress hormones and cortisol that flood our systems when we are in a constant state of fight-or-flight. I was overweight when I left my Ex, too. And I’ve lost most of it at this point.

    I wish you the best of luck on your blog, and for your continued recovery!

    Reply
Andre January 7, 2015

“Most Narcissists… are the equivalent of 7-yr olds running around in adult bodies.”

Kinda. I teach that age group (2nd grade). The vast majority are MORE emotionally and ethically advanced than adult narcissists. Even many kindergartners are more advanced. Am I am not being facetious. And if you know what to look for, some infants too. Its an issue of ability to feel empathy.

Narcissists are at the early infant stage – but that is what draws us codependent types to them. We want to take care of these big adorable babies cause we see how futile their view of life is and hope to ease their suffering. The problem is that we are human and need some consideration for our own feelings and some reciprocal empathy to sustain the relationship, which narcissists are unable to provide.

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narcsaregenderless January 1, 2015

Kim, I love your blog! It’s helped me to process and understand all of the craziness that’s flooded my mind since I divorced my narcissist 5 years ago. And No Contact has been the ONLY way to handle it. I still suffer the emotional scars from the abuse and have decided that I may never date again.

I do think it’s important to note that narcs are both male and female. Much or your writing puts the narcs in the shoes of a man and the victim as female. I don’t know the percentage of genders of narcs …but there are plenty of narcissistic females out there too and it’d be very helpful to us men to feel included in the conversation.

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    Kim Saeed January 1, 2015

    thank you reading my blog and for commenting.

    Many of my earlier articles do contain the pronoun “he” because at that time I wrote mostly from my personal experiences. However, I’ve since tried to start using more non-gender language because I discovered a large percentage of readers are male.

    You are correct. It’s becoming obvious that there might be just as many female narcissists as more and more men share their experiences.

    Thank you for pointing that out and I’ll try to continue using more inclusive language in future posts 🙂

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      mike January 1, 2015

      Regardless of gender wording, I’m glad you started this blog writing from your experiences. Keep it up! You’re helping a lot of people out here make sense of things.

      My ex-N quickly found a new man, remarried, and now has a baby with him. Along with other readers, I’ve asked the exact same question “does she treat him better?” Your perspective is amazingly on target. She’ll do the exact same to him that she did to me. I guess he’ll eventually find out for himself.

      I’d be very interested in reading more articles about gaslighting and also how I can modify No Contact since I share equal custody of our boys. Thanks again!

      Reply
      cadkinson35 March 7, 2015

      Hi Kim can u please tell me how to move on from a narcs after having sex with them please email me as well thxs

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        Kim Saeed March 8, 2015

        You’ll want to cease having any relations with him because it enhances your limbic connection to him, and also the female body releases oxytocin, strengthening your bonding response.

        As far as moving on emotionally, that will take a lot of determination and hard work. I would recommend counseling, guided meditations, and focusing on healing any codependency issues you might have. Those are typically the best activities to begin with initially, but since we’re all different, you would likely need to explore different transformational healing modalities.

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          cadkinson35 March 8, 2015

          I was doing so well with the no contact for two months in that two months God showed me your site frfr I was getting strong without a counsler God is so Good all the time his miracles are to be found I just want my husband to see that I don’t care anymore he seems real happy in the relationship he said that he lives the girl what do you think i am so thankful I came across your site!!!!

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      cadkinson35 March 7, 2015

      Hi Kim please help me iam so sick and tired of going threw this emotional wreck frfr I have been with my husband for 14 yrs I have been a loyal woman threw everything I have been there for him in jail when he was locked up 5 yrs never cheated then less than 6 months he gets out and cheated on me with this ugly girl and had a baby with her it goes on and on now he suckered me back in back in 2008 when I was healing and trying to move on with my life now at this time i was seeing someone else he was just someone cool to talk to he was getting my mind off of him my husband so then like a stupid ass I take him back he was still cheating with the ugly girl off and on he went to jail again for three yrs still talking to the ugly girl now I mention I took him back cause he told me sweethings he will never do it again and everyone makes mistakes and I believed him cause I have in my past plus I loved him and so on lol so will he was locked up this time I am being a good wife being there for him loving him supporting him like I was supposed to do for 3 yes he gets out and cheated again I was preagant with his child now he has left me and my kids and is now messing with a married woman and Her husband has left her so now I was doing the no contact for 2 months doing so good with that and cause we have kids he came and took the kids using them to get to me cause I have not been fucking with him so we had sex I feel so low Mrs Kim this man blamed me for everything in our relationship I did have my own was but out the 14 yrs I was a dammm good woman wife friend so I talk to god for him to remove my feelings everyday and I cane to your site like god wanted me to see this reading your blog this is my husband frfr I was getting strong but I had sex with him and I feel so cheap like I am the second woman what do I do please respond so I can feel better about my situation so I can move on with my life us he talks about he loves her and she is sweet to him and I was mean to him please respond when things were going so well I thought he really loved me but I guess not!!!

      Reply
        Kim Saeed March 8, 2015

        Hi cadkinson35, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story.

        Believe it or not, many women have gone through the same struggles. What I mean to say is, don’t beat yourself up because you forgave him and took him back. Love and addiction to the relationship are the main reasons we stay. Now that you realize there is no hope for a relationship with him and that he will not change, you can start the path to recovery and healing.

        The best thing to do is go No Contact (if you haven’t already). Make sure he cannot get in touch with you. If you share custody with him of your child, insist that he communicate via your lawyer. There are also legal email systems set up through various court systems where the two of you can communicate regarding your child. If he doesn’t share custody with you, then go completely No Contact.

        The next important step is to realize that the way he talks to you and treats you has everything to do with the kind of person HE is. Don’t believe the things he’s told you about yourself. They all want us to feel low so that we believe no one else would ever want us…that way, they can keep us enmeshed with THEM, giving them all the supply they need…even as they form relationships with other people. Again, that’s not because you are lacking in anyway, but because they only keep people in their lives based on what benefit they can get: money, feelings of power, having someone to take care of them, etc.

        It may benefit you to find a counselor so you can overcome any feelings of depression and/or low self-esteem. Inner child healing is also essential in recovering from Narcissistic abuse. You may also want to experiment with guided meditations. They helped me tremendously. Best of luck with your recovery. <3

        Reply
          cadkinson35 March 8, 2015

          So Mrs Kim do you think the woman he is with is going to hurt him or him hurt her he is always on FB talking good things about her and taking pictures with her kids on FB what do u do he has my kids right now and is not trying to give me back my kids its like he is trying to prove something to this girl he is with so even though he had sex with me no contact can reverse the role right please reply thxs so much I have been waiting for your response

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Anonymous December 20, 2014

This is so true. After I left my narcissistic lying cheating abuser he was so obviously trying to “get back” at me that it reminded me of a child throwing a temper tantrum. His actions were so transparent that they actually made me laugh out loud. He started dating the first girl who came along. It was literally embarrassing how much of a downgrade this girl was. I’m sure she is nice and I’m not saying this out of spite but he could not have picked a trashier looking girl. He started posting pictures with her on social media in an unsuccessful attempt to make me jealous but it had the opposite effect of making me feel better about myself. After he saw that this wasn’t working and I wasn’t breaking no contact he inevitably started to devalue the new girl and discard her. I honestly felt bad for her because she had no idea he was using her as a pawn in his childish game. That’s all narcissists know how to do though, use people as a means to an end since they lack a “true self.” I really feel bad for this pathetic guy because I know he will never find true happiness.

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Alegna December 16, 2014

Where do I start, well, the narc ex met me in my country of birth while there for work. Since that time I was love bombed, he stays on another continent and at that time I never had a visa to visit his country. So while I was in my country, we kept in touch via Skype and FB. He even paid for a language school in my country so I could learn a bit of his language and said if I have this degree he can marry me so that I can have his nationality passport. He also mentioned I could get pregnant then come over to his country on visa and give birth there. After 4 months of not physically seeing him, he sent money for me to buy a plane ticket. Was my first time I was flying to a continent of the world I have never been to. I was nervous and excited at the same time. I ended up getting my other passport which would allow me to live and even work in his country. I am a dual citizen. I end up living with him, and after a while things start changing, seeing that I am in his country. His job required him to be away from home for up to one month, so I would sit alone at his apartment, could not speak the language of his culture, knew nothing about how things operated around there so I practically felt like a house pet trapped. Yet, I stayed cos I thought he loved me and I loved him. Then after one year into our relationship I fall pregnant with his child. At first he seemed happy then in a foul mood. I saw Jekyll /Hyde personality from him. He eventually tells me to have an abortion or I must go back to my country and give birth there. He practically blackmailed me. I thought if I do as he says he will love me again. He used to coo and speak about how would I look pregnant then when I really fell pregnant he got cold feet. In these awful two years I wasted with him he also cheated on me numerous times, frequented hookers, and anything that could feed him supply. He even had a lady boy. I found terrible things on his mobile phone when I searched through it, I knew he was up to something. I left him beginning of this year and have had NC for a month. He also doesn’t msg me. What I can’t believe is that someone can be so heartless, have their flesh and blood aborted and not once apologize to me. Out of all my exes, this one was the worst. I have a hole in my soul for what he did. The worst is the brainwashing me to abort his child and at that time I was scared, alone, confused and in a foreign country. Worst thing was that he got his pervert father to drive me to have the abortion as he was away for business. I hope karma pays him a visit, mostly for brainwashing me into having an abortion. There was no way I had the money to have the child as I had no medical aid and no job either. I hope the wheel turns against him and his sick family sooner than soon.

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Becky December 11, 2014

Thank you so much for this post, Kim. I’m having a particularly difficult time because I saw photos yesterday of my ex with the girl (one of them) he cheated on me with. We’ve been broken up for 2 months. My ex is a big wig professional kayaker, business owner, goes to city council meetings, on the tourism board, pretty much involved in a lot of great things, but he treated me awful. No one has any idea he was verbally abusive and demeaning. And it’s hard, because I still see the good in him- how he acts for the community and to other people. I am searching for reasons he changed on me. It’s hurt my self worth a lot. He ended up getting violent with me when I confronted him about the girls (the one he’s with now), and I sustained bruises and a broken toe. He’s never apologized. His dad (a 70 year old man) found out about what happened and is trying to encourage me to press charges if he doesn’t get anger counseling since he beat up his dad 2 years ago. (New info to me.) I am pathetic because I still hope he’s the nice guy he first was to me, the one he shows to the world, but I am so mad too about the discard, how he’s treated me. Should I pursue charges?

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Anonymous December 3, 2014

I posted this comment in another section but after reading this thread this seems like the more appropriate place for it. Would really appreciate any thoughts or advice….I am really struggling and trying to make sense of all of this and desperate for answers.

My narcissist ex (we dated for 3 years) broke up with me in August of this year (conveniently right after his birthday) and he has been hot and cold since…all classic narcissist behavior from what i have read…every time i stopped trying to contact him after a week he would cave in and contact me i would fall for his “I miss you” texts and be sucked back in then he would pull the same bs all over again…rinse and repeat. I thought things were finally going well in last month until I found out he cheated on me at the destination wedding he went to. The worst part? I picked him up and dropped him off at the airport we talked every day and he told me how much he missed me….meanwhile someone posted a picture on facebook of him with the brides sister and the caption was “smitten”…I confronted him about it over text and not only did he not respond he blocked me from everything and has not talked to me in almost 3 weeks!!! My sister just had a baby and he has only sent me ONE email after one i sent him that said “congrats on being an aunt hopefully this makes you a better calmer person” yes i will admit sometimes i did act crazy and react out of anger BUT it was always a reaction to something he did to provoke a response from me. He basically told me to “leave him be for a while” and I know its because there is someone else in the picture because this is the longest he has ever gone without talking to me and he seems so happy. My question is we used to gchat daily while we were both at work and gchat was one of the first things he blocked me on after i confronted him about cheating…BUT since i have my gmail up every day while i am at work anyways i have noticed that every single day at least 2-3 times a day he will unblock me for a minute then reblock me again and do the same thing 2-3 more times throughout the day…this has gone on for 3 weeks. Is he just doing it to mess with me? He is driving me crazy and so is this “silent treatment” ugh….I feel so helpless

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Marie November 28, 2014

Hi Kim long story but i need your input….

I found out in the summer my bf of 2 years got another girl pregnant. I was devastated and cut all contact with him. I only found out until the baby was born all of this, and he told me left me for her and the sake of his son.

It took me months to get over it and i was devastated. 4 months later, his GF contacted me, confronted me about my relationship with him. Turns out she had no idea about me at all and found my contact on his phone and and he had started a relationship with her aswell. He was practically leading a double life and had been for over 1 year and half!

She has been contacting me telling me he hits her, beats her, house is a mess, doesnt let her leave the house, forces her to sleep with him. I was shocked to hear this as he never once laid a finger on me and all my friends loved him. She wanted to know the truth about me and his infidelities to which i was honest and said he had cheated on her while she was pregnant when me and him started seeing each other again ( when we had a break and i had no idea about her ). She has told me she found out he has been with hookers while dating both of us, been on dating sites, and meeting up with exes at the same time! I was shocked!! I told her to leave him as he will continue to cheat on her.

She was open to me and apologised saying that we were both hurt by him. Anyway a few hours later she messages me again to tell me to leave them alone and that he never loved or cared for me ect. I was shocked and thought that he may have told her lies about me, as he still hasn’t admitted cheating on her. She told me that they need to move on now and forget everything for the sake of their son.

I said a final word by saying that she had contacted me and that she could believe what she wanted and that if he genuinely loved her he would be honest and own up. Dont contact me again and then blocked her straight away. My ex then contacted me swearing at me telling her to leave her alone and not to f* it up for him as he was to be with his son , and said he loved her and that he never cared for me and that he will change for her and never loved me. I was devastated when he said these things as he was so loving during our relationship and told me that he loved me all the time. I never replied and blocked his number too. I don’t believe him. He was always so controlling with me and didnt like me hanging out with guys he didn’t know and now i suspect he has this sociapathic behaviour but i’m not sure.

Apparently he also referred to me as “some girl” and not his ” Ex gf” Which really makes me question his motives and why he said this about me to her? Is he trying to to please her by saying all this? Why was he so mean to me!? I am the innocent party in all of this and i suspect its because he doesnt want to lose his son. I doubt he loves her, and doubt that if there was no son he would still be with her.

I am shocked at how horrible he has been to me. He hasn’t apologized at all to be for all hes done. Have i done the right thing? We were together so long, i’m trying to understand why he said such horrible things, and why he does not come clean if he loves her?

Also i feel that she is constantly comparing herself with me is this her insecurities? could she be lying about this? I dont know what to believe. she acted like i was after my ex, but i had already moved on with someone else and she had contacted me ! Does he have these narcissistic traits? Will he cheat again?? I told her she was an idiot to stay with him, but she told me that they need to move on now for their son’s sake. Please explain this kim… Would be grateful for your input if you could email me. Just feeling so frustrated this has all re rooted and im shocked and sad he has acted this way. Thanks

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K November 15, 2014

Never go back.

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    stillgrowing December 18, 2014

    Your story is eerilly similar, these N are pros, at what they do. How many more years are u gonna fall victim to the same bs & lies? Remember they tell u what they think u wanna hear. No Contact is the best way to rid yourself of this pest.

    Reply
Ellen November 14, 2014

Hey Anony,

I understand your story and can relate to it so much. It sometimes seems when i read al this posts then you all have had a relation with MY ex! All those words that i said over the years to him `the mask, fake, not know what love is etc. when i did not know anything about Narcism.

Said to hear that you put up whit him for so many years. He does not disurve such a carrieing loving sweet person like you. That i am sure of you are otherwise you could not stay for so long,

I am worried to read that you are still living with him Now he had controle but when you are gone he gets frustrated and try to do everything desparate to get you back. Not out of love but over controle. Power. Never let him discover that you are making a plan.
Dont wait to long to leave him.

Make sure that you have Always a bag with the nessasery stuff. So when he hits you and gets dangerous you pack that bag and run. Money, Id or copy of id, bankcarts Phone, a little bit of clothes. Its very important. I have been trough this myself.
Make sure you just have to push one button on your iphone then it calls the police!
Never accept voilince because its getting worse and worse.

Take care.
Ellen

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Anonymous November 9, 2014

Once again I find myself in the devalue and discard phase of the relationship with my narc partner of 11 years. I am sitting back and having to watch him hoover his ex back into his pathetic disordered life…..the triangulation game which I’m not playing this time! I’m done now and have put together a plan to leave as soon as it is safe as he is very aggressive and violent and not afraid to use physical force.

I realise he has never loved me because they do not know how to love. I fell in love with the masked person he portrayed and sadly that man does not exist. It has taken me years to finally realise and after a year separation recently I was hoovered back with ‘stories’ that he had changed and wanted to marry me. Two years later I’m right back where I was before the separation. But no more and just feel total disgust at his inner disordered ugliness. I’m looking forward to being ME again.

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Grace October 30, 2014

My ex-husband narc has a new supply. We were married for almost 30 yrs. This woman is 10 yrs older than he is and has low self-esteem. She is a widow with an illness and very subservient to him. He tries to avoid or make any contact with me at all cost. Which is wonderful! If he does make contact, he is beyond rude and hostile for no reason. This woman has adult children that are on to him. I honestly feel he is miserable and wants to end it with this woman. I believe he is afraid she will become ill. I also believe he is afraid of what her children will do to him if he dumps her.

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lostforwords October 22, 2014

After I caught my N having an emotional affair with his highschool sweatheart who he had found again on FB I told him that I was going to leave him. He begged for a second chance, said he didn’t love her, that he only loved me. I told him that I could consider his request only if he got his act straight, get a steady job, stop being constantly aggressiv, that he should go to therapy. Well, guess what: behind my back he contacted her again, and when I confronted him he told me he wanted to see which one was better for him, me or her (if that isn’t sick then I don’t know what is). I told him to leave. Right now he is packing his stuff. It hurts like hell to watch that, to see that the 10 years we spent together, all the things that he promised me, all the love we shared (at least I thought it was love) don’t mean anything to him anymore. He is going to move in with the ow next week, according to her they are ‘soul mates’. I am so angry and sad. He is trying to talk me into staying friends, asked to act like adults do, but I have stopped talking to him at all. Not one word. Somebody please tell me that I am not crazy.

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    Kim Saeed October 22, 2014

    Don’t fall for the “let’s be friends” act. This is how women across the world become the “Other Woman” with someone who used to be their husband or significant other. They stay with the new girl and keep their former lover/spouse hanging in queue.

    Asking you to “act like adults do”…is that what he did when he lied to you about talking to another woman, going behind your back?

    The real kicker: wanting to see if you or she would be better for him. There’s your answer. You deserve better. As painful as it is, let him go and go No Contact. Don’t give him a chance to come back…

    Reply
      lostforwords October 29, 2014

      Thank you Kim! What’s most painful about it is the deceit. I just can’t believe I didn’t see it coming. He will never ever get the chance to come back into my life. I can go NC because there are no children involved, we were not married and he left the country. Every day I have moments when I feel strong, when I am really glad that he is gone but I admit there are also moments when I imagine him and the ow being happy and doing the things we used to do together. and that hurts like hell. But I know one thing for sure: he has started doing the love bombing with her (I found a letter to her which could have been one of the letters he wrote to me in the beginning about having found the love of his life, she was the most important person to him , he was sending her poetry etc.). And if it starts like this the other two phases (D&D) will also follow, it is just a matter of time. He has found the perfect victim (he told me that she had been physically abused by her father and other men in her life, that he felt so sorry for her). Just thinking about this pathetic creature makes me sick to my stomach. Again, I am really grateful for your answer, it gives me the reassurance I need at the moment.

      Reply
    Ellen October 27, 2014

    Hello lost for words,

    My friend was in the same situation the other woman in your story is now. He left his wife of 22 years of marriage for my friend. Lets call here Daisy. She was walking on clouds. He was the man she Always dreams of. They had the same interesses. Looked up to eatch other of the jobs and hobbys the do. Could talk for hours and hours about everything. She never had this in her live.

    Every day they were together. Every minute is precious to be together. She stopped here Yoga. Dit not contact friends or go on visit with my anymoren. He was all over her.

    This went on for exactly three mounths. Then the true man comes out of the shell.

    Dear lost for words, I know he does not desirve to be happy while leaving you broken after all you did for him and he puts you trough. Deal with the knowledge that he does everything for her to make her happy. All the things he promissed you. The things you are entitled to. Except it. But.. know for a fact that he is acting. When he looks in to her eyes and say all those loving trough up words to her.. he sees in her eyes just his own reflexion. He thinks `Wauw look at me how adorable and loving person i am..

    And remember.. Everything he does for her now, is minution for a little later when the supply is getting boring. The real narcist comes out after a short while. There is no respect for the other woman. Everything he does now with the other woman is an act to get the ego suply of her he desperatlly needs. All because his insecuraty he had about himself.

    He needs acknowledgement. Ego suply. Thats all a N is. There is nothing more.

    So my friend Daisy calls me after three mounths. They had a real big fight about nothing. He shouted ugly words and pushes her. He left her for two weeks in the summer. Holiday was annulated. She only cryed in bed when the sun shined and everyone was happy. She called me for houst. crying.

    He came back after two weeks and said sorry he has frustration is his live .. and they take any excuse that is not a reasen or rectivy his behaviour.

    So dont feel bad about they are so happy on a level you can never get.
    And she does. Although you did everything. He acts like you can do everything and it doesnt work but with her its automaticly. NOOO dont take that..
    Only she can be happy in the beginning. A narcist is negative Always.
    The more sweet loving and helpfull he is now with here. The higher they fly the deeper they fall.

    Be happy you are you and go on with a good life. And watch out to never get an other narcist in your life again. Because there is a pattern in woman also

    Take care.

    Reply
      lostforwords October 29, 2014

      Ellen thank you so much for your answer. I know you are absolutely right about the situation. I know right now I am just too emotionally involved to see it as clear as you put it. Yes, he will show her eventually who or better said “what” he really is. And yes, he is a person who gets bored easily. He is interested in things (including people) as long as they are new, as long as they offer something he can use, as long as he feels he has to fight to get it. Once he has it, once the fight is over and the new things are his or no longer useful, he loses interest. I know you don’t know him personally but yes, that’s him all the way! And thank you also for your warning to not let another N in my life ever again. I have already made a list of reasons why I fell for him. I have to say they are all things I wanted and still want in my life, things I didn’t have as a child (feeling at home, feeling protected and cared about, feeling special …). I have to make sure that I will provide this myself and not look for a man to do so. Take care!

      Reply
      Carrie June 1, 2015

      Okay I’m gonna have to agree with this… Because I keep telling myself I’m actually the lucky one because I didn’t get to fall as deeply in love with him like he is with this one now. So therefore my pain will not be as great as hers…. I totally agree with this and with that I have to pray for her because she is in for a world of hurt… Kinda scared for her (cuz I know how bad I hurt) I didn’t want to get out of the bed…. Would just cry and cry (Cuz I didn’t understand) but I do now and God be with her.
      *The higher they soar the deeper down in the pits of dispair they will go*
      Oh this is so sad but so true… “God please be with all narcissist victims… Help ease their pain and give them strength to let go and escape” In Jesus name…. Amen.

      Reply
Cheryl October 22, 2014

When I met my ex, he was in a relationship but said he was ending it.
We began a 3 1/2 year relationship, he moved in with me, paid all my bills (rent, electric, etc. because I was only partly working. We did everything together and I kept the house, cooked six nights a week (I’m a personal chef), kept his clothes clean, ran his errands and etc. He was very generous; owned a small trucking business and was gone alot so our time was limited and after awhile, I wasnt getting any of the time. he always had something else to do and I came last. I felt as if I was always on the back burner and we had alot of issues he didn’t wish to solve and i couldnt do it by myself. He started with the disappeariing acts for days at a time, no phone calls, no communication. If we got into a heated discussion, he would just leave. Last year, he bought me a wedding ring set when I told him i was leaving to visit my daughter for the holidays and was not coming back. Two days later, there was the ring but the kicker was, he was married and would not get his divorce. Kept talking about getting it from the time I met him but always had an excuse why it wasnt happening.

I even went so far as to go to the courts and get one of the do it yourself divorce packets to self file because he & his wife had no property togther and his chidren were grown. I helped him fill out the info and all he had to do is take it to the court, sign it it in front of the notary and pay the fee. It never happened. A month ago, the woman he was with before me showed up at my door to claim him after I had put him out again for disappearing. He’d been with her 17 years and had been living with her three weeks since I put him out and now she came to get him. I never knew he was with her all those years, nor that he forced her to get an abortion…in fact, he hooked up with her when he was leaving his wife way before i came in the picture. He said she trapped him with the baby and I think he threatened her with the abortion that he may leave her if she didnt get one. I showed her my beautiful rings that I will never be able to use which he never told her we were engaged. He sat here in front of her and never defended himself one way or another nor would he look me in my face when the shit hit the fan. He took all of his belongings and walked out never to look back. Not only did he break my heart, he left me without money to take care of myself since i dont have a regular job and it’s hard to get one where I live, but I was driving one of his vehicles, which he took and I have medical issues which he knew about.

So the day after he left me, he must have feeling a certain kind of way cause he dropped off a rent check for this month and the car he’d taken the night before and told me whe would be back for the car at the end of the week cause it needed to be repaired (speedometer problem which I knew about). I sat here all week waiting for him to come and get that car; Saturday, he called my daughter in arizona 1,600 miles away to ask her what was wrong with me, that I’d sent some letters to all of his family, friends and co-workers saying he gave me a STD and trying to explain to my daughter what happened between us. He told her i was cheating on him (my son had sent me roses three weeks before, around the time he left and that was a reason for him to disappear, he accused me before he walked out). he told her I put him out and thats why he was with this woman but my daughter asked him why I put him out, like I didnt wake up one day and decide to just throw him out and that he needed to take accountability and man up for his mistakes. Needless to say, she called him everything but a child of God. Now, they had a close relationship, but when someone is cursing you out on the phone, why wouldnt you just hang up? Instead, he sat there and listened to her ream him a new hole then she hung up on him. That should have been the end of it but no, still trying to get his reasoning across, he then began texting her (she sent me the texts) and it was at that point, I decided, car or no car, I was going to let him have his car back and just suffer until someone could fix my car that had been sitting pretty much for over a year that he never had time to fix. The point is EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT; its my fault, I put him out, but it’s not his fault he disappeared. My fault we argued but not his that I spend most of my time alone on a shelf, until he didnt have anything else to do then he’d dust me off and play with me until he put me back on the shelf.

I texted him that Saturday night, which by the way, these supposed letters were delivered Friday, according to my daugther and He all that afternoon and all day Saturday to either call or come by and confront me and punish me by taking the car also, but he did not). I told him my daughter said something about the letters, that it wasnt me and why would i since he just paid my rent and left me his car to use a few days before. I asked him if he considered it was the new (old) woman, maybe trying to keep him in line and away from my house. I told him it seemed pretty desperate that she looked up my personal information on the internet, chased him for most of his life while he was knowingly with other woman and showed up at my house and continues to believes any lies he feeds her is pretty desperate; he might want to consider her. I pointed out that since he made his decision to end our relationship, I had not called, texted or chased him down and i have accepted his choice. Then i told him i appreciated his car but he can come get it and all his other lawn mowers and car parts, etc out of my yard. I told him I never wanted to see or talk to him again. i also told him not to call or text me and that i was changing my phone number and to make sure he leaves my keys.

Sunday, I went to church and when I came home, everything was gone. I have not seen or heard from him. It’s going on a month now. I stay away from places I know where he might be. If I wanted to be like this woman, I would go to her house (I have her info now) but its not worth it to me. That said, i have cried every day since this shit went down but i did not beg him to stay with me. I was good to this man, I bent over backwards to try to fix the state of the relationship but he was emotionally available to me. I loved his family and now, I have heard from not one of them especially his mother, who I was hoping to eventually be my mother in law. I sit now and think about what he told me about his past relationships and the patterns are the same. The kicker is that this woman he went back to is nothing like me. I’m not saying Im a beauty queen, but he told me he always liked a light skinned black mixed woman; I try to keep in average shape and this woman is short and chunky to chubby…nothing like me at all. I was floored! I’m wondering why he didnt stay with her in the first place? I dont know if my ex is just narcissistic or socio/narc combination but he’s not at all what I thought he was and Im devestated. He just walked out and never looked back so I dont expect him to come back and I doubt I could even look at him at this point.

My questions are: since he went back to his ex, who obviously is aware of his tendendacies as he’d left her who knows how many times only to return, how long does it take when they start to devalue a former victim? I’m curious if the victim has to work harder to keep them the second time around? He told me that she was jealous of my rings because in 17 years he never wanted to marry her and I was with him for 3 1/2 years and he asked me so she’s probably working over time and doing jumping jacks trying to get him to get that divorce and marry her, One thing I learned is that he don’t like to be cornered so I’m wondering if he will follow through on marrying her? Any thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks!

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    Cheryl October 22, 2014

    Can someone please answer my questions and tell me I wasnt making up the things that happened in my head. I’m educated and after replaying the entire 3 1/2 years over and over in my mind, my intellect tells me I know what he did and how I felt was right but my heart just cant get past the deceit enough to rationally know that the relationship just was something I wanted so bad. I know I deserve better, yet I just cant understand why he would go back to this woman who he never stayed with after going back & forth for 17 years. Understand, Im not intimidated by her at all, especially after seeing her, its that he chose that over me. Please help me, I’m still blaming myself when my good sense tells me that it’s not about me at all, it’s about him.

    Reply
      Kim Saeed October 24, 2014

      Cheryl, please see my response to your email.

      Reply
    Anon December 31, 2014

    It has been 7 months and they are still going strong. I ran into his father before Christmas and he told me how proud he is of him. He said in all of his years he has never seen his son so happy. . This isn’t a pattern of going from woman to woman by making her feel special and then discarding her. Since his divorce 7 years ago, he’s been looking for someone who he can completely commit to and love. He said he’d never find it. He has found it. He always said, “I can commit to the right woman….I will treat the woman who I know is for me like a queen”….and he is doing it! His daughter even said he never loved her mother (who he claims was the love of his life), the way he loves his new girlfriend. She (his daughter) even admitted they are soul mates and she is happy for him. I had to cut ties with all of our mutual friends b/c I was tired of them all telling me how happy he is and how he’s changed for the better as a person. Many of these people have known him most of his life so they know how he was before. Everyone is happy for him. I do not know how someone can change like this.

    Reply
    cherylptw April 6, 2015

    Ok, it’s been almost 7 months since my ex waltzed off into the sunset with the woman who knocked on my door. Three months after he left was the first time I laid eyes on him; for about a month prior, he continually called in an attempt to retrieve the satellite tv equipment that he had shut off when he left. I put a number blocker on my phone to avoid him but when he realized I wasn’t going to speak with him, he attempted to use other people’s phones hoping I would pick up. I’m not sure why because he knows I don’t answer numbers I don’t recognize. When that didn’t work, he texted me and of course, they went unanswered as well. Because he knew if he didn’t return that equipment he would be socked with a huge bill, he broke down and made a visit to my landlady’s house (she called my afterwards) to inquire if I was still living in my house. She of course, verified that I was after he expressed concern that “I wasn’t answering my phone”. Keep in mind that I live directly behind my landlady’s house or about 50 feet from her; the ex had to have passed my driveway to get to her house. My car was parked in my yard the majority of the time because it was broke down for three months or before the time he walked away. You would think when he recognized I was avoiding him he would have left a note on my car, on the door to my house, sent me a registered letter, had a sheriff knock on my door or any other creative methods if all he wanted was the equipment…he could have *gasp* knocked on the door even (not that I would have answered).

    Anyway, I let it go on for about a month then my December birthday rolled around, which is also his favorite uncle’s birthday…no way he could forget. The whole day my phone rang with people giving me birthday wishes. Later that night, he called. I didn’t answer but I had decided a couple days before to just give him the damn satellite equipment so he would stop contacting me so when he called, I texted him and asked him what he wanted. He called again, but again, I responded with a text. He told me he needed the equipment; I told him he could get it the next day at 11 am (saturday). Then he texted me a happy birthday, wish you many more crap. I didn’t respond.

    Next day, I got all dressed up and looked like I stepped out of a magazine; by 11:45 he had not showed up and I was pissed that again, he was not respecting my time. So I texted him that I was going out and would be back at 3 p,m, and if he couldn’t be here then to let me know. He responded at 1 p.m that he would be here. He texted me at 10 minutes til 3 to see if I was home. He came, I carried the equipment out on the porch to him, we said a couple of words to each other in regards to the equipment and he left. No conversation at all, I was ice cold. So fast forward to January; I finally was able to send my car off to be worked on and it was gone for three weeks so no car in the yard. Also, because I wasn’t working and to keep my electric bill manageable, I spent alot of time in the dark at night with just a kerosene lamp and the light from my computer. Anyone passing my yard would see a dark house. At the beginning of the month, I go to pay my rent to my landlady and she tells me that a woman had called her phone asking if my house was available for rent. When she tells this woman the house is not available, this person specifically asks “if the lady who used to live in the house still lives there”….now, my family and people I regularly associate with know I live here. Only those who don’t know what I’m doing or those who don’t know me have no idea. After this person hung up the phone, about five minutes later, they called back again just to re-verify the information. And it gets better…a couple weeks later this same woman (landlord says she recognized the voice) called yet again and specifically asked the same questions she asked the first two times. Landlady told her if and when this house becomes available for rent, she would post it in the classifed section of our local paper.

    Fastforward to about the end of February: I’m checking my email and I have alot of junk to clear out on a regular basis…there is a email from Facebook (I have lots of family & friends on the site) alerting me that someone named Sheila Hunter wants to be friends. I thought to myself that I don’t know this person so I go onto Facebook to see if this person is in my list of friend requests. She’s not listed under that category so I just delete the request and forget about it…until last week. Once again, I get a Facebook notification in my email alerting me that this same woman wants to be friends; this time, I clicked on her profile and looked at the picture. At first, I didn’t recognize her but when I zeroed in on that smile, I realized it is the woman who knocked on my door and walked off with my ex!! I started to delete the email but I put it in a file then I checked my spam folder and there was another one from her. It looks like she sent the emails at 2:30 a.m. and 2:32 am. respectively on that day.

    Can someone please explain to me why this woman thinks I would respond to her emails and two, add her to my friends list so she can have access to me at all??? She must have really had me on her mind IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT looking to gather information about me on Facebook but the question is why? And when my landlady got those phone calls, immediately I thought it was the ex trying to find out informaiton on me by someone other than the woman he’s with because he had not seen me except the one time. I have made it my business to stay away from places, streets, stores and anywhere else at certain times of the day so that he does not know what I’m doing because it is no longer his concern. So, why can’t they just leave me alone and enjoy themselves with each other? I’m not bothering them, no calling, drive by’s or anything; I just kind of dropped from the face of the earth when he walked out. That said, I am still very much heartbroken over the deception and can’t face people so am still pretty much in hermit mode. I’m not understanding what the heck this Bi#^% is hoping to accomplish!! I blocked her azz. Any insight at all would be appreciated!!

    Reply
      Melinda W. April 12, 2015

      Wow, Cheryl…that is weird. He’s with her now so you would think she would leave you alone. What could she possibly want?
      Maybe she is trying to throw it in your face…some women can be mean like that. But at the same time, I wonder if she realizes the kind of person he is and wants to talk to you about it. Hard to say without knowing the reasons.

      Another issue is that she could be insecure about their relationship since he cheats and lies. Maybe she wants details about your relationship with him (before he walked out on you) so she can figure things out.
      You also mentioned that you’re a very attractive lady compared to her…it makes sense that she would try to gather information about you. She might see you as “competition”.

      It is also very strange that she would call your landlady looking for you; that sounds like borderline stalking. It shows that she really went to a lot of trouble to look up your phone number and try to add you on Facebook.
      All I can say is, be careful…this woman might be harmless but you never know what some people are capable of.

      We’ve all looked up other people online but it is another matter when somebody actually tries to contact you like this lady did.

      You are handling the situation very well. Keep doing what you’re doing. I know it hurts but you need to remember that you are beautiful, smart, and you will overcome this. Ignore them both…she isn’t worth responding to.
      He is her problem now and you are finally free. The pain will come to an end with time.

      Reply
      Carrie May 31, 2015

      She was wanting to talk to you about him.

      Reply
      Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

      Most likely, your Ex is feeding her a bunch of BS, lying to her, maybe seeing other women and claiming to be with you trying to tie up loose ends, and/or other related matters related to his lies and abuse.

      It’s possible there are other reasons, but usually when the new supply reaches out, they are trying to confirm something the Narc said to them. He could even be claiming that you are stalking and harassing him, trying to make it seem like she needs to toe the line or else he will go back to you.

      As you suspected, there’s a reason for it, but because Narcs are such schemers and swindlers, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact reason.

      Reply
Anon October 22, 2014

My ex-narc has been in a blissful relationship with his new lover for over 4 months now. Unlike the typical narcissist, mine never told me I was his soul mate and he never told me I was the one. He did tell me I COULD BE the one but that he wasn’t sure. He was always looking (through social media, in person and through dating sites). Although he always told me I might not be ‘the one.’ he still always denied that he was looking elsewhere. He did, however, tell me that I would have to understand if he did find someone else. He said he loved me more than he ever loved anyone else (next to his ex wife) but that something was missing. I had finally had enough of his craziness (mental/emotional abuse, lies, drinking, flirting with other women, etc. – ugh 4 years of that – yes, I know I should have left sooner!) About a week after I left him, he was in a relationship (one that started to blossom on social media for several months prior – they also have known in each other in the past but have never before been involved with one another). He was ‘preparing’ her the entire time. As soon as he started dating her, he told me about her and said he found his soul mate and that the chemistry was like nothing he had ever experienced (he had told me through our entire relationship that we did not have physical chemistry he needed, but that he loved everything else about me). He said he finally found someone that he loves EVERYTHING about and that they ‘click’ in every way. He even went so far as to tell me that the timing of my leaving was meant to be, because he may not have pursued her further if we were still in a relationship. Beyond that, he told me that his deceased mother was now his guardian angel and that she sent her to him at just the right time. Here it is, 4 months later, and they are blissfully in love. He brags about her to everyone and proudly displays her everywhere he goes. Our mutual friends tell me they have never seen him so happy and that they truly seem to be meant for each other.

Is it possible? Does this happen? Is it possible that even though he is a narcissist, he has found who he really wants to be with? He is telling everyone that he has never felt this way before about anyone and that he never knew he could feel this way (he is not just TELLING her this stuff; he is making it public knowledge)! Is it possible that he will truly be the right person for her and that in his mind, I just wasn’t for him long term? I gave this man my life. I gave him my heart and soul and sacrificed things that I can never get back (friends, jobs, my dignity, my family….).

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    Anon November 9, 2014

    Is there anyone who can help me get perspective? I cannot get passed this. The whole time he was with me we stayed best friends, even when we weren’t ‘dating’….I still saw him every day and was part of his life! He kept telling me he didn’t click with anyone…that there was no one out there he felt he could commit to long term. Then he’d give up looking and ask me to marry him. It was such a mind game and I totally fell for his crap; he seemed so sincere that he wanted to be with me. Then he’d go looking for someone else again. Now that he is with ‘THE ONE, everyone is telling how happy he is. He treated me like total garbage…he made fun of mercilessly, was verbally and mentally abusive – a couple times he tried to choke me…They are both on cloud nine and I cannot get the horrible things he said to me out of my head b/c I know he will NEVER say the things to HER that he did to me….I have days where I am OK and then other days I am nothing but haunted and tortured mentally by how he has programmed me! 🙁

    Reply
      Kim Saeed December 31, 2014

      Anon, all that’s happened is he has found someone who he has determined will be submissive, compliant, and very easily controlled. That’s why he seems so happy. The new girl only seems so happy because she is being love-bombed. He is being on his best behavior until he can hook her in past the point of no return.

      Their happiness is completely manufactured by him and is just an illusion. I hate to sound cliche, but it’s only a matter of time until he starts treating her the way he treated you. Yes, he will say the same things to her…eventually (and sadly).

      He is carrying on this big charade to make it appear that you were the problem, not him. This is a blueprint behavior of the Narcissist.

      Reply
      Becky December 31, 2014

      I feel the same- can’t “get” why he would tell me all this. Mind games. Its so unneccesary that they do this. They just don’t care about anyone but themselves.

      Reply
      Melinda W. April 1, 2015

      @Anon…I’ve been there. I know how much it hurts. The pain seems unbearable at times. But you will eventually heal from it.
      Try to understand that this is part of the sick game they play. Narcs will devalue you and destroy you, leaving you broken inside, then move on to the next “victim” when they’ve grown tired of you.

      It isn’t about you. It is about them and their issues. My ex did the same…he was verbally/emotionally abusive and when things finally ended for good, he started a relationship with his current girlfriend (now the mother of his child).
      She was over the moon, constantly posting pictures and talking about how they are so in love, etc.
      And it crushed me because of how he had treated me. I felt so many emotions…rage, despair, sadness. I don’t understand how a person can simply move on like nothing happened after they’ve hurt somebody deeply. But they do.

      What he did to you, he might eventually do to her. Maybe not now or anytime soon but he will at some point.
      Most people won’t show the bad parts of their lives or relationships; they will make things look as wonderful as they can. She might be hiding pain behind her smile but you’ll never know it.

      If you focus on him and his relationship with her, it will be much harder for you to heal. My life is far from perfect and I still have a lot more healing to do, but I’ve learned so much from this journey.
      Karma will eventually take care of him. You need to take care of you…whether that means intensive therapy/counseling or simply treating yourself with kindness. He will get his comeuppance somehow.

      Don’t ever allow yourself to think you deserved the way he treated you or that she is better than you just because he treats her well.
      It can be easy to fall into that mindset. You are a smart, beautiful woman and you deserve the best in life.
      Narcs want you to believe that you are nothing without them. They want you to feel inferior, especially if they find a new “victim”. They deliberately treat her better to make you feel worse. Don’t fall for it.

      Reply
    newmeandfree April 6, 2015

    I had often wondered about your scenario in my story events…. I was always puzzled with the fact that he had been with someone for almost 20 years before me…. I seemed to be the “first” victim. I was set up for the most perfect crime – no evidence before me. To answer your question – no – it isn’t possible, it doesn’t happen, and they will not live happily ever after. I’m pretty sure you have already discovered this. By the way, you can get back all of those things you think you lost….. in fact, you probably already have : )

    Reply
paul October 13, 2014

Seems like I’ve just woken up to the notion that there are so many borderline personality types many of which will do you considerable harm…Sam Vaknin and yourself seem convinced that the new woman/new man will fare no better than you/me the discarded..
What I am hearing from friends and associates who articulate having endured a relationship with a narcissist – 10 – 15 years ago, (despite not recognising it as such, because narcissism wasn’t a vogue word then,) describe their dismay when the new partner actually received better treatment, holidays, new home, wardrobe and in one case got the new woman pregnant whereby her predecessor found, he, the narcissist would not even consider having children. So it seems like we can’t even take ‘comfort’ in the knowledge that it wasn’t personal and he/she treats everyone the same. So what does that say about the N., his former partner and the new partner. Seems like we can’t even use the term n.supply as everything is on a continuum. What if there was a dramatic change? Frequently the new partner is perceived to be less attractive – why then would the N. chose a less attractive individual if they want to ‘bask in reflected glory’ – like on Facebook? Seems like the N. is more flexible than the literature gives him credit for. Or did he/she just find someone incredibly accommodating, strong willed and able to handle his/her vacillation?. What if this says more about the co-dependent than the narcissist?. Where does that leave us – in even more mental and emotional agony because we got the brunt of the abuse? Thoughts?

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M October 4, 2014

My ex was sleeping with me and got his nee gf pregnany at the same time.I had no idea about her. They are in the same field and she is the best at it so we know why hes with her … For her fame and now he can be toed to her success and money. She doesnt know she tried to get every gf including me pregnant within the first three months. I feel horrible for her. I do believe hell play the nice guy though because she can damage his reputation.

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Anonymous October 3, 2014

Sorry…. not feeling Empathy for the new source , she creep-ed behind my back with him …texting , Facebook and what ever else they could do.. all the time we were living together ….we lived together for three years and he had the gall to say we only dated …I can’t wait for him to pull of that mask of his a treat her like the creeping,fake christian slut she is……she likes to post God is good and blessing to all …..what christian go after another woman’s man or participates a secret relationship with him She deserves everything that is coming to her …..She knew he was with me and still started a relationship with him …..

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    Anon October 3, 2014

    Narcissists make light of their previous relationships. My ex-narc told me that the girl he was with before me was just a ‘you know what’ buddy and that he never had feelings for her. I come to find out 3 years into our relationship (this coming from his father) that he ‘love-bombed’ her like crazy for the first year they were together and even talked to his family about marrying her. He told me a completely different story; and he tells every else flat out flies about our relationship. Although he was admittedly never ‘committed’ to me (of course he often would say he was when he wanted to make sure I stayed in his life…but we all know how those lies go), my ex-narc tells everyone we were never really together, which of course is total BS. So it isn’t surprising that your ex would tell people you only dated. They do that to excuse their behavior. Also, he was still seeing his ‘ex buddy’ for the first 3 months he was seeing me…which of course I found out after several years. It’s what they do. Now he’s what he’s calling a committed relationship (for the first time since his divorce 7 years ago) and is telling everyone she is his soul mate. He is still love-bombing the hell out of her and thinks she’s the best thing since electricity. Like you, I don’t feel sorry for the new woman, because she has been fb friends with him for years and should have been paying attention to his character and what he posts. She didn’t do her homework and is believing his lies (b/c she’s newly separated from her husband of 20 years). So as far as I’m concerned, if/when the mask comes off (b/c at this point I am shocked it hasn’t since he is not only a narcissist but also an alcoholic), she deserves what is coming to her as well.

    Reply
      Melinda W. April 1, 2015

      @Anon…I agree. My ex had a lot of people thinking that our relationship was nothing serious while we were together, which is why his friends/family/other females felt it was OK to disrespect me.
      Sometimes I would hear from other people that he was saying terrible things about me , that I was “crazy” and “just a friend”. When I confronted him, he denied it.

      I believe that narcissism runs in families sometimes because I’ve met people who are Narcs and their whole family was made up of Narcs as well.
      His older sister met me more than once but when I saw her, she acted like she’d never seen me before. Just stared at me blankly and pretended not to know who I was. His mother tried fixing him up with a coworker’s daughter behind my back and would insult me whenever I came around.
      I could tell so many stories about the way he and his family/friends treated me.

      Yes, they will deny having a “real” relationship with you because it’s just a game to them. And it hurts because you wonder if maybe they are embarrassed to admit they’re involved with you; why else would they hide or deny the relationship?
      My ex would bring me around his family and friends but it was so weird, because he would allow them to either snub me or be openly mean to my face.

      We were in a relationship, we were having sex, we went out on dates, we did a lot of things that couples do…yet certain people acted like I wasn’t a “serious” girlfriend. Now in his current relationship, they have a daughter who is now 3 years old. The girlfriend (her name is Kathy) seems like a very naive person. I’ve never met her but that is the impression I have based on what she has posted online about their relationship. I feel bad for her because I was once in her shoes. She seems desperate somehow, a bit clingy.
      Some women are so thrilled to have a man that they miss the obvious. Maybe that is true for your ex’s new lady as well.

      Reply
    SOL December 1, 2014

    @Anonymous I totally agree and know how you feel. I filed for a divorce after 8 years of cheating and finding out from the other women that he had not only continued their 3 year affair after I thoughtbit was over 3 years ago, but that he was carrying on an open affair with a female minister for the past 2 years. I called the minister house one night when he was suppose to be away and not only did she answer but passed him the phone. After i confronted him he became violent and I had him arrested. Best decision of my life. I used my anger and the order of protection to move his things out and file for a divorce. He thought he was punishing me by moving in with her but little does he know they both gave me a gift…..my life back! It’s been over a year and this do called minister who has you tube videos preaching about the Queen in you total deserves all the nasty things he is now spreading about her and the dismissive degrading he is handing out to her. She is not attractive however she’s a principle, owns her property, and is a minister….meaning food, money, shelter, and freedom to do what ever. At 45 years old she pledged sorritity to keep up with his fraternity activities. This idiot moved my husband in and after he made her life hell after a few months she moved him into an apartment where he is always leaving messages for me to come over. last month he showed up near my house and calls me at all hours of the night via magic jack to say how he messed up, she smokes a lot, and he still loves and misses me and that he needs a chance to show me that he can be good. Hell no I refuse to answer or respond to him, he doesn’t even get a stop calling me….just radio silence. I could have went to her well known fathers church heck I could have went to her congregation but when it comes to these types…. so called Christians like these are the worse because they rock your faith and spirituality, it rips at your soul the very things you need to battle and over come narriccistic abuse. But her wolf in sheep clothing deeds and lack of moral value along with the narc set us free and the have soooo taken on our burden. I am so much happier now while I know she is sooo miserable and he is even worse. Good riddance.

    Reply
Anon September 20, 2014

My ex-narc is beyond happy with his current girlfriend. He does things for her he would never do for me. Everyone tells me how happy he is. He never used to drive anywhere when we were together; I had to do all the driving, always, even from day one. Now he drives to her house all the time (I used to have to pick him up) and he drives them everywhere in his car. He never did any of that with me. His hygiene/grooming/appearance have improved immensely (always shaves/showers for her/bought new clothes/cleaned his entire house so he can bring her over and not be embarrassed) and his family members are telling me how happy he is and how he is quitting smoking/drinking. He has even removed his on-line dating profiles (yes, I have checked…and yes he never took them down when he was with me). He shows her off to all of his friends (with me, he would tell people weren’t ‘really serious. He is now telling people that we were just friends and that I won’t talk to him because I am jealous. I left the situation a month before he started seeing this woman. We were very much a couple. He is telling everyone this is his first real girlfriend in years. WHAT THE HELL? I am sorry, but I think in some cases, the Narc DOES treat the new girl better if he REALLY wants to be with her. I think he was just with me because he couldn’t find anyone better in his mind. Now he has! How do I get past this????

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    Melinda W. April 1, 2015

    @Anon…you move past it by taking it one day at a time. I know how difficult it can be to endure a relationship with a Narc, the relationship ends, he hooks up with somebody new and starts throwing it in your face.
    You will grieve for a while as is expected but then you will start the healing process and reclaim your dignity. It took me a long time to mend my broken heart; I’ve had to pick up the pieces of my shattered self-esteem after my Narc (and certain other toxic people) tried to destroy me.

    I used to look at pictures online of him with his girlfriend/”baby mama” and obsess over why he seemed to be treating her better than me.
    I would compare myself with her in ways that weren’t fair or very nice, but it is natural to do that.
    Since I’ve learned that he now has stage 4 brain cancer, I’ve had an epiphany…karma does eventually catch up to people without a conscience. It happens when you least expect it. I’m far from perfect but I care about others and I try not to hurt anyone intentionally. And when I do, I feel terrible about it. My ex-Narc had very little empathy although he could be the sweetest person sometimes.

    In your case, it sounds like this guy is going above and beyond to impress his new “victim”. He will eventually show her his dark side…it’s only a matter of time. Don’t be fooled by the image of happiness being presented by them both.
    My ex’s second victim (poor girl doesn’t even know it) would always post pictures of them looking all cuddly and smiley; she would write about how lucky she is and how he treats her like a queen. It used to bother me because he treated me like crap. I wondered what was so damn special about her? But then when I started to heal and gain more insight, I felt sorry for her.
    Try looking at it that way…now somebody else has to deal with him, not you. You are finally free and that freedom will continue to grow as you heal from the pain.

    And it is also important to remember that just because he has moved on and is treating her better than you, it does NOT mean that she is better than you. It is not a statement about your worth or value.
    That is what Narcs want you to think because it is their way of hurting you after the relationship is over. They want you to think “what does she have that I don’t?” They want you to feel like it’s because you weren’t nice enough, smart enough, pretty enough.
    But the truth is that you are worthy and you are far more lucky than his new victim because you’ve seen the light.

    Reply
      Carrie May 31, 2015

      Thank you… I needed this. <3

      Reply
oldmenwilldreamdreams September 11, 2014

I was with someone who exhibited narcissistic traits, fortunately it ended and didn’t last too long before I knew something was up. He was in a desperate financial situation and jumped into a relationship with his female friend who is paying rent as he was kicked out of his house and was jobless. I tried to go no contact, but he continued to talk to me. I have now blocked him, but in the time he was talking to me he was trying to continue a (physical) relationship with me on the side. Nothing happened but I do have loads of texts of him talking poorly about her and trying to hook up with me. My question is, should I try to anonymously tell her what he is doing and has done? Or is it too risky as far as what he will do to me if he knows it’s me? I feel guilty knowing what he is doing and knowing how it will end and that nothing he says is true or genuine.

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Lana September 6, 2014

Mind is officially blown! Thank you soooo much for writing this article! For years, I couldn’t understand the dynamics of my divorce (long story short, my ex cheated [I think he caught on that I no longer wanted to shoulder his responsibilities/carrying the relationship, I no longer thought of him as an equal because he didn’t want to act like an adult and I grew sick and tired of having a sexless marriage] and left me for another woman [i.e. “new supply” although I am aware that he did cheat with other women before she became the main target] who believed I was “abusing” him and she was the “key to coming out of his depression.” [She sent a “please take me back letter” to my house]).

He claimed he wanted a divorce because he was in love with her but didn’t file the initial papers, ditched the meeting we scheduled to discuss the divorce and would either make up lies or take back agreements that were steps towards finalizing everything.

Because he was dragging his feet and saying he was “trying his best,” she became WAY too involved in ensuring we were divorced so they could marry. They showed up at my job to persuade me to sign some laughable non-legal document that they printed off of their printer requesting a divorce. They filed papers so that we appeared in court nearly every month of one calendar year to go over issues that were discussed/resolved long ago. He blatantly ignored court-ordered alimony payments and had to have his wages garnished [even though he was financially capable of making the payments, he refused out of spite or perhaps to get further attention. Probably frowned upon by his boss/HR rep at his job]. Poor thing. She even said she “wished she didn’t have to get involved” and tried to convince me to “move on with my life” even though he was the one who was clearly delaying the process.

I was furious with him for the betrayal and at her for her lack of respect of my marriage. Nevertheless, this article made me realize that this life event was indeed an amazing blessings in disguise.

He tried to make me envious of their “perfect relationship” by flaunting the things he knew I wanted by giving her those things. I tried to figure out what it was that she had that I didn’t to better frame the infidelity and why she may have been “more deserving” of receiving those things that I didn’t [I am 1000% I want those things but NOT from him and his “gifts” are conditional and lack value].

Surprisingly, we have a lot in common. We both have the same nurturing/caring/polite personality, we both were very captivated by his charm, we both have the same education level, etc. although I will say I am more physically attractive than she is.

But, this article has opened my eyes to the fact that this was all a charade, a facade even. I dodged a major bullet by having this happen to me relatively young in life [and without having children with him] so I have the luxury of being with a man [not a boy, not a guy but a real man] better suited for me and deserving of me.

What was once the source of deep rooted fury and resentment is now the cathartic sense of empathy, sympathy and relief. From this experience, I have become stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually. I have been able to do things and see the world that was often closed off to me by the controlling strings of a puppet master.

Every day, I am thankful I take absolutely no part in a relationship that started off with dishonesty, manipulation, lies, liabilities and infidelity. I count my blessings I do not have to deal with their co-dependent, dysfunctional, parent/child marriage plagued with his narcissism (i.e. playing victim, not taking responsibility for himself/his business, his entitlement, and basically wanting another mother instead of a partner) and her desperation/insecurity (i.e. defending/loving/caring for a known liar, cheater, coward [she knows he spoke badly about her behind her back (i.e. calling her crazy, stalker and twisting things in her head)] and just dead weight.

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justeentrenous August 30, 2014

I gasped reading the last paragraph. Do you know my ex ?! I guess I’m one of the lucky ones – our relationship turned long distance and I’m glad that helped me to end it recently.

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    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Hi Justeentrenous! It would certainly seem that I know your Ex, but that’s because they share the same behaviors 🙂 I’m glad you’re one of the lucky ones and were able to end the relationship successfully. Thank you for stopping by and for commenting!

    Reply
Sel August 16, 2014

Hi Kim, I am very intrigued and thankful I found your website. I relocated my life and everything to be with the person who I was going to marry. But instead, I’ve been discarded big time. I was in the relationship on / off for 4 years. It started as long distance then I relocated. Now, I can’t up and leave and I have no friends. Apparently, my ex bf went online and met someone else, she is doing the same thing I did commute – and he’s driving / flying to see her also. Lives 4 hrs away. Sooo, same pattern what he did to me – always belittled me – has money – never done anything nice for me. I am shocked that he is now carrying on another long-distance relationship. I feel he is treating her so much better – they’ve been seeing each other for 31/2 months now. He was flying her in and now she is driving to stay with him. He has not been active online at all, and I know he wants to get married. Is it love or just a new supply on a honeymoon stage. I feel something will come out of this. He really wanted to get married. But, he basically kicked me to the curb. I’m devastated – and know it’s a tough break from a narcissist.

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Wide Awake August 16, 2014

Hi Kim,

I stumbled upon your post while looking for answers and am SO glad that I did. I just recently learned what Narcissism is. I’d been through so much pain and emotional trauma for the past 3 years, being involved with a narc, you have no idea how relieved I am, knowing what I do now.

He was a chronic attention and praise seeker who was incapable of empathy, lashed out at me for being upset for valid reasons, constantly turned things around to make them look like they were my fault, abused me verbally and emotionally, demanded sex when HE wanted it (he’s a sex addict and alcoholic) and called me ‘boring’ and ‘hopeless’ whenever I said no, and always made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

Later on, I found out he started seeing someone else behind my back. He cheated on his ex to be with me, so this was no surprise to me. I told him to get lost. She chose to stay with him. Immediately, he announced that he was in a relationship with her on Facebook. But unlike me, he gave his new supply everything he refused to give me: Acknowledging her as his partner, love-bombing her on social media, and professing his undying love and devotion to her to the media (she’s a popular athlete) when she was recovering from an accident.

I used to wonder why he never chose me, and now I know why: She goes to his church, is a respected, popular personality, and therefore, suits his profile of the ideal partner who can help elevate his own popularity. Just after 5 months of dating, he asked her to marry him.

But…he started hitting on me and begging me to sleep with him while she was in hospital and hasn’t stopped since, all while neglecting to tell me that they were engaged. I had to hear it from a friend. Now it looks like he’s looking to cheat on his new supply.

Wow. What a nasty surprise she is in for down the road. I’m so glad to be free.

Thank you for helping me lift the heavy cloud that’s been hovering over me for the longest time.

Wide Awake.

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l July 26, 2014

Yeah, I had another run in with a narc. He is more of the “poor me” mooch type though. Screwed me out of money, but I got a little comeuppance. Narcissists need people around them who believe their bullshit. So I let one of his “supplies” know all was not right with this ex, he owes me money and I’m exiting stage left but he needs his friends to get his shit sorted. I don’t associate with these people but I’m know he’s quite embarrassed. At the very least, it’ll plant a seed in the friend’s mind – watch your back around this guy.

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Lee June 25, 2014

My ex and I were together 18 years on and off. He left me for one of his numerous affairs and they have been together for 5 months. He informed me they are getting married in 3 months and I showed zero emotion to his news. He has been constantly trying to push my buttons since his big reveal of his wedding date. Today he called me and asked if he needs security at his wedding to make sure I dont cause problems! ! I have left him and her completely alone and I only speak to him about our children. I dont understand why he keeps trying to play games with me…
He’s getting married so why won’t he just stop being so cruel to me?

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Lee, they usually do get especially cruel when they’re capturing new supply. I actually wrote an article about it. You can read it here:

    http://letmereach.com/2014/05/20/dear-kim-why-is-my-narcissistic-ex-so-mean-to-me-now-that-hes-found-new-supply/

    Reply
    Carrie May 31, 2015

    He’s not being cruel… He was being EVIL. AND THATS WHAT THEY ARE. Evil demons. I hope you didn’t reply back to him because (acting like they never existed or meant a thing to you hurts them the worst!)
    POS people. Sorry they just make me sick! 🙁
    God bless you and your heart… We deserve better and God will bring us better.
    Fellow N survivor. <3

    Reply
Veronica June 6, 2014

I’ve been married to a narcissist for 9 years. We have 4 small children. He’s had affairs. A few weeks ago he once again left because he wasn’t “happy”. A week later he said we should go to couples therapy. We went together once. It is there where I found out this last affair was almost 4 years long. She’s married with 2 kids. She’s still with her husband. I don’t think he knows. Well he is still going to therapy on his own. I am too. We are not living together. I’m sure he’s about to file for divorce. He has left and asked to come back at least 4 times throughout our marriage. If narcissist discard people, then why did he last so long with this other woman?

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    Kim Saeed June 9, 2014

    Veronica,

    I don’t think it’s that his relationship with her has “lasted” in as much as he is likely stringing her along like he did you. That’s the pattern with Narcissists. They never have lasting relationships, and they always keep some back-up supply “just in case”. He’ll continue to keep her in queue unless she ends the relationship.

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tiredofliars8 May 23, 2014

They just love the triangulating thing. I have limited contact with my ex Narc since we are business associates and it is like an exercise in Narcissism 101. My boundaries have to be super strong since he would do anything to drag me in his web. He told me about his new flame several months back. I can tell he enjoyed it since he never got over the fact that I moved on. He also couldn’t get over that I never fell for his hoovers again after so many years. He was feeling so puffed up from his hot new girlfriend he actually had the nerve to ask me out for drinks. “just as friends” mind you. I laughed in his face. I really think he wanted to brag more. I just couldn’t believe the gall!!!!! He was parading around all over town with his young flashy hottie on his arm. Meanwhile he was trying to make contact with me more than ever!! I literally had to tell him to only call me for business because I have no interest in being his confidante. Well he called recently on the “guise” of business but then proceeded to tell me they broke up and it got real ugly. Shocking LOL I actually saw him as this pathetic emotional cripple and listened. Have to give this new flame credit. She dumped him flat after he tried a silent treatment to control her. Not that he will introspect a bit about the relationship. I am sure after he licks his wounds he will find a new victim. They really are very predictable creatures.

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marianne May 21, 2014

Thank you thank you thank you…I needed to to read that as my narc has a new girlfriend and let me know it…we have been broken up for a year I feel bad for her I hope she doesn’t waste as much time as I did

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    Kim Saeed May 21, 2014

    Marianne, they cannot help but let you know it. It’s like “two birds with one stone”: discard and triangulation in one fell swoop. After all, they don’t want to expend more energy than necessary. When you look at it analytically, they are the equivalent of a Kindergarten bully who struts around on the playground with a lollipop. Such children, really (although I know some children with more emotional maturity).

    If you feel badly for the new supply, I have a feeling you’ve got his ticket and your healing may transpire more quickly than you think.

    Reply

Great post. I don’t really feel sorry for the new supply. She is getting what I think she wanted, a family, so it’s all good. In return, she makes him look like a family man, serving to negate the fact that he left another family. I don’t know if it is also meant to make me look “alone” but I’m sure that’s an added benefit — at least in his mind. It’s all spectacle. To me, I’m free.

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MamaWolf1 May 10, 2014

<3 Blessings to you, dear Kim. This is exactly what I have and am going through. He moved out, 1 year this month DIRECTLY in with her. A $2,000.00 ring on her finger, 3 days later.. we're separated. Talk about grandiose thinking, he was overheard of them going to Ireland getting married, then coming back to the U.S. for a BIG party.. WOOO.. He left me, 2 months after our daughter was married.. All I can say is, this poor gal hasn't a clue, of TRUTH.. I'll pray for her, not warn her, it wouldn't do me any good, any way.. she's only believing what he says.. Thanks again, for this awesome post

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    Kim Saeed May 18, 2014

    Wow, Mamawolf1, I am so sorry this happened to you. In spite of his deceit and selfish behaviors, it seems you understand the situation quite well.

    You are right in your thinking regarding not warning her. He would only use that to make you seem unstable. She will, indeed, find out the truth sooner or later. Sadly, we all do.

    Thank you for stopping by and for commenting! Please feel free to reach out at anytime 🙂

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Anonymous May 9, 2014

Narcissists are attracted to attractive people, but not for the same reasons we are. Beautiful people make them look good by association. – Ah thats why he always said to me – we look great together!

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    Kim Saeed May 10, 2014

    Perhaps so…

    Hope you’re doing alright now.

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      N October 17, 2014

      I found this very strange. One of the very few times we went out he said after getting home for the evening, “well I think it is safe to say we were the most attractive people in that whole place.” HUH? I didn’t know we were competing

      Reply
    DJ July 31, 2014

    Not all narcissists are attracted to beautiful looking people. The narcissist may be attractive while his victim could be overweight and ugly. They will be less likely to leave the narcissist because of their low self esteem issues. This guarantees narcissistic supply.

    Reply
      Cheryl October 23, 2014

      This is true; the woman my ex was involved prior to coming into my life is NOTHING like me in looks. I’m 5’6, around 178 lbs. (size 14) mixed cherokee/african american very light skinned (he always said he liked a woman with my complexion and I guess I made him look good – and he is 6’5 dark african american. I came up to his shoulder; he said we were the perfect compliment in terms of height and he used to tease me that I was short for a woman. Imagine my surprise when she, his former ex, now my replacement showed up: about 5’2 (probably a size 20) and fat & sloppy looking (some may just call her chubby).

      Reply
      Melinda W. March 31, 2015

      @DJ…very true! Not to bash my ex’s current girlfriend/”baby mama” but she is not pretty, although she is a nice person from what I hear.

      The main thing with her is that she seems to adore him and overlook the fact that something is seriously wrong with him…that is why he has kept her around and even had a child with her.
      When I was thin and pretty, a lot of guys noticed me so he (and his crowd) wanted to take me down a notch. If I disagreed with him on anything no matter how nicely I did it, he would have violent outbursts and accuse me of having an “attitude”. Any mistake I made was blown into massive crimes against humanity and he never took responsibility for his own wrongdoings. He also didn’t like it when I tried to talk to him about the disrespect his family and friends showed me whenever I was around, no matter how nice I was to them.

      This woman he’s with now seems overly agreeable, like the type who takes on all of his interests as her own and is so thankful just to have a man in her life. She is a very big girl (fat) and not attractive…please note that I’m not bashing bigger ladies or saying they can’t be beautiful; but in her case it is true.
      So I think she is so happy to have somebody pay attention to her that she will do anything to hold on to him. I think that’s part of the reason she had their daughter in the first place. She knew that having a baby would keep him tied to her.

      My ex has an eye for pretty women, like his father, so it surprised me that he would even look at her.
      I don’t know how to say it without sounding mean so I apologize if anyone is offended. It’s just that he tends to prefer women who are petite with nice curves and cute faces and who are very feminine…she is the opposite of that, although I wouldn’t call her ugly. She simply isn’t what I had pictured as my “replacement”. I pictured somebody with a smoking hot body and a beautiful face because of how bad he used to make me feel about myself.
      But comparing ourselves with the new girls is pointless because really, do we want those jerks back in our lives? I know I don’t.

      Reply
bethbyrnes May 8, 2014

OMG, Kim, this is exACTly what happened to me. And, he moved from victim to victim. The last one left him and now he is pining for her and doing everything he can to get her back. You wrote this from my movie!

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So good, true and funny I wish I could ‘like’ this twice! It IS hard when we imagine – after all the misery that we went through with the narc – that somehow, it is only us who get treated so badly.

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Mimi Pollier May 8, 2014

Hi Kim:
What are your thoughts if the ow is very unattractive, uneducated, no house/money, etc…. she is the total opposite of me in all respects. Even has health issues and a mental illness.. But she compliments him, tells him he’s handsome and a great guy and he just loves it.. why would a N discard someone like me for someone like her… Please advice and thank you. (i’ve been trying to make sense of it but just can not understand it and i know i never will).
Mimi

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    Mira June 15, 2014

    I had a similar thing happen to me. My ex married me but never wanted to have sex. 9 months into the relationship, I had to leave just because I was genuinely feeling like I was the problem and the reason why the marriage wasn’t working out. We would never spend any valuable time together. Every time I made an attempt at “improving” an aspect of his personality – ie his inability to forgive small shortcomings – it would only result in an angry outburst or tantrum.
    It really hurt my self-esteem to be married to someone that never wanted to have sex with me! I would also say I’m moderately attractive, a size 4/6 dress with an hourglass figure, and am studying to become a doctor. He barely makes $20K a year as an auto mechanic, but really smart in my opinion. He was saving up money to go to graduate school.
    I ended up leaving him after 9 months, feeling like there was something fundamentally wrong with me because he would constantly complain about how argumentative I am and that I was really difficult to get along with. A few months after I left, the next thing I see is that he is dating this girl that has very similar physical features as mine, right down to body type, but not as attractive (I’m being honest, not catty). She also didn’t have a substantial level of education as I have had or even close to being as ambitious. He is doing all that things that I was begging him to do with me while I was married to him. They go on trips together, he takes her out with his friends (which he never did with me), yadda yadda. But she praises him like he is heaven on earth on Facebook… saying how “perfect” everything is and how “perfect” he is over and over and over again. I’m not the type of person that will do that with a guy. I do show affection from time-to-time, but not to this extent. I don’t feel like highly educated women tend to be this way. I feel like we are looking for more of a partner that feels a bit more secure in himself and doesn’t need regular praise, but I suppose he does and it doesn’t matter if the girl is not as attractive or as educated. This is how I make sense of it anyways. It does hurt, though, and sorry. 🙁

    Reply
      oldsoulneohippie March 31, 2015

      I completely understated this! My ex is completely narcissistic, and abusive. After I left him he obsessed over me for 10 years! I know now that it was because I was his best supply – I was extreamly co-dependent, I would look for him when he didn’t come home, chase him, cry after him blah blah blah. He was chasing the high he got when we were together, He is getting married in October- I’ve met the girl, she is nice, she is also 20 years old with a 2 year old, from a family of abusive alcoholics, has no higher eduction and is overweight. Perfect rube for him. He is moving her to a town of 200 people in rural Iowa, into the house we lived in, he is quitting his well paying job and going to work for the grocery store, his family makes up 3/4 of the town- so eyes are everywhere. It is freaky what is going on, it is like he is reliving his abusive relationship with me- with her- like some kind of a psycho serial killer taking his victim to a familiar, comfortable spot. If he does to her what he did to me, he will take her phone- cut her off from friends and family, sell her car, take her off the bank account and have the town spy on her every move- he would ask me why I called my mother at the gas station, bought beer at liquor store, talked to a friend he didn’t like, because some hickabilly cousin would have called him before I go home. He will beat her, leave her for weeks with nothing to survive on and have his cult family wear her down psychologically. At first I was pissed when I saw him “happy” but I realize now that it isn’t actual emotion- he is acting, he is setting up his supply and snakes don’t turn into teddy bears. I have a 4 year degree, and working on a second, I have 4 published books, I have a wonderful intelligent educated husband, I am 35 not 20 but I look 100 times better than this new girlfriend, I’m in shape physically and psychologically. Since we share a son(that he NEVER bothers to spend time with), he has my #, she called and asked if it was normal for him to drink in the mornings lol- I just laughed and said “Honey it’s not NORMAL for anyone to do that- you need to get real about things like this, you have a 2 year old.” She posts 20 pictures a day of them and comments on how happy she is and how perfect he is, yet I get butt dialed messages from them where I can hear her screaming at him for wanting to “**** younger sluts” Seriously – you are 20, I mean how much younger could we actually be talking and still be legal- I laughed really hard that day. I left them a message to be careful because they were butt dialing me their “slut” fights. Haven’t heard another one since. The pictures make me feel a range of feelings from – disgust, mild irritation, some form of PTSD (he was extreamly extreamly extreamly abusive) to nothingness. She posted a picture of her ring- I was dreading this because he gave me his mothers ring from her failed marriage to his father (shudder) but was pleasantly surprised when it looked like something out of a 25c vending machine. Yeah, that is his speed alright. I look at this girl and see a mark- a rube, a new supply on which to get high. He doesn’t care if she is an uneducated, knocked up, chunky monkey with no life ambition above being the next Mrs. Narcissist-wife, because he doesn’t see human beings, he sees, objects that he can use up. Hahaha- and I don’t have to live through it again, she is just at the threshold of Hell, but hey – if she was smart she may be able to deduce that someone who abandoned his child and was arrested for strangling his wife (didn’t like sandwich I made him) might not be a good life partner choice. That is not why he chose her- he didn’t choose her because she was better than me, smarter, prettier, funnier, happier-he chose her because she isn’t bright or strong enough to figure these things out and it makes her an easy target.

      Reply
      Melinda W. March 31, 2015

      @Mira…I am married to a man that doesn’t want to be intimate with me. It hurts and I hate it, but I deal with it because he treats me well in other ways.
      I’m sorry things didn’t work out in your situation.

      Like I said to Mimi, a woman can be a “perfect 10” in many ways and still be mistreated by a N.
      It has nothing to do with money or beauty or how much education you have. N’s (the male ones) have serious issues that aren’t about us.

      My mother is married to my stepfather, a classic N who is finally starting to realize the error of his ways after years of abuse.
      My ex is also a narcissist who comes from a family of narcissists…many people seem to have this disorder which is what makes it so terrifying. My ex destroyed my self-esteem or what was left of it, considering my history with N’s throughout my life.

      But now he has stage 4 brain cancer; I can’t believe it. A part of me wants to say that it’s karma but the other side is more compassionate.
      Narcissists serve a painful purpose in our lives…to show us that we are worth more and we deserve better and that we should hold ourselves to higher standards. That was the lesson I’ve learned.

      I am now overweight because of severe depression from the mental/verbal/emotional cruelty I experienced for years, but I once had a beautiful body.
      I was very pretty but didn’t know it because of the hurtful things I was told about myself. My ex and his family (and certain others) had me convinced that I was worthless. His mother would disrespect me constantly by making the most unkind remarks. His friends were equally horrible.
      The first time I saw a picture of his current girlfriend, I was floored. He started dating her in about 2009, I believe. She is way bigger than me and I’m fat now myself, but nowhere near her size.
      She isn’t pretty at all either…I’m saying this only because he and his family are so shallow and would put me down all the time; it shocked me that my “replacement” was this girl who was far less attractive. They used to talk about the way I looked and THAT is what he replaced me with?

      But I believe she does have some positive qualities. She is educated and seems like a nice person, just a bit naive.
      They had a daughter in 2012 and the little girl is now 3 years old. It seems like cruel irony that when he was first dating this woman (her name is Kathy) he tried to throw it in my face…they would have pictures on social media where they were all cuddled up, talking about how they were so in love. It was obviously done out of spite.
      But now he has stage 4 brain cancer and no health insurance. He had a child with her but they still aren’t married, so the little girl will be left without a father. Very sad but it is what it is.

      I feel bad for his daughter and even for him despite the way he treated me. But at the risk of sounding evil, I will say that the current girlfriend is the one who is stuck with him now…she has to deal with his issues and with his family, not me.
      She is obviously a good person to support him through his illness. And she is a bit simple-minded so she doesn’t see the side of him that I came to know and to fear. I try not to judge because I was once a starry-eyed girl in love, too.
      Their daughter is a cute little thing…too bad she was born into a family of N’s and her father is now ill with cancer.

      We dodged a bullet, ladies. We were hurt but the most important thing is that we heal and grow from the pain. We are still here and we are alive and we need to do all we can to repair the damage that was done to us.
      Don’t worry about how your ex-N treats his new woman because sometimes you’re only seeing part of the picture they want you to see, not the whole picture. He wants you to feel bad and feel worse about yourself compared to her. He wants you to think she is being treated like a queen. It is part of the twisted game they play.
      Focus on yourselves and be thankful you aren’t in her shoes anymore…she will be the next victim at some point.

      Reply
    Melinda W. March 31, 2015

    Mimi…I know your question was for Kim but I will share my thoughts on that. With some narcissists, you can be the prettiest woman in the world and they will still mistreat you. It’s not about looks, money or education. It is about the way she makes him feel and the fact that she is obviously in a vulnerable place.

    You should feel sorry for this woman because he is preying on her like he did to you. Narcissists take advantage of people with low self-esteem and use them. I have compassion for her based on what you said about her having health problems and a mental illness…she treats him well because she is in need of love; too bad that she doesn’t see him for what he really is.

    Reply
    Lynnae April 12, 2015

    My ex N is the same way. He has now moved in with the girl he cheated on me with after a year of dating and many failed attempts to get me back. We were together for almost 11 years and 2 DAYS after I broke up with him he was posting on FB about how she’s “The One”, he’s never felt this way before, etc. They work together in retail so neither of them make decent money but she has convinced him to finally get a full-time job so he can buy her a house, take care of her and her son and essentially be her baby daddy. The only explanation I’ve come up with for him moving on to someone without an education or career (total opposite of me) is that (1) she was his only option ( which he has told me that he’s settling for second best now since I wouldn’t take him back), (2) he’s willing to do whatever he needs to do to make sure he keeps his supply and (3) she’s more of a manipulator than he is. I think he’s gotten involved with someone exactly like him but is “better” at it and now he’ll be going through what he put me through doing everything for someone who barely works or helps with the bills. I see it as karmic payback. I have finally gone NC and while it is tough I have no doubt it was the right decision. I wish everyone on this board quick healing from the abuse they endured. It’s something none of us deserved.

    Reply
secretangel May 8, 2014

Awesome post Kim! Keep up the good work. May God bless you, my friend for the work that you do!!

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    Kim Saeed May 8, 2014

    Thank you, Secret Angel! What a beautiful, encouraging message to receive first thing in the morning 🙂

    Reply
      Anonymous July 26, 2014

      Hello Kim,
      I need advise BAD!! I have been reading these blogs about the Narcissism and I think that relates to my ex boyfriend. I have been on and off with him for 5 years now, in the first 2 years of us dating we fought and got back together and he also cheated on me a handful of times but I kept taking him back. Well, one of the times that we broke up he did get with someone else and after a month of dating her he moved in with her which I was heart broken but I was in the process of buying my first home, when he was with her the first 5 months or so he kept calling me and texting me saying “Fyi she isn’t you” and still wanting to hang out and we did a few times, he kept telling me that he wasn’t over me! So after the 5 months I didn’t hear from him, the last time I heard from him at the time was fourth of July (2012) he was broken up with her and back living at his parents house so he came over to see my new house and ofcourse we had sex, so after that he left and I knew he would get back together with her which he did, after that I didn’t hear from him for 7 months (that is the longest we went with no contact) well he texted me out of the blue one day in February (2013) he told me that they broke up and he was living at his parents house and said that they were not getting back together, so we started to hang out and ofcourse we got back together and that lasted 4 months he was totally fine at first and then slipped back into his jerk ways. Well, in August of that year he told me that he cheated on me one night so we broke up, he wanted to be friends I told him “NO” I was heart broken once again….we didn’t talk for 4 months after that, well on New years Day (this year) I facebooked messaged him and said Happy New Years (which was a mistake) well we started talking again and he told me all these lies that he has been doing really good with his life and that he stopped drinking (which that part was true) he was always more of a jerk when he drank) he apologized for being mean to me and doing what he did, so naturally we got back together and that didn’t last long maybe about 2 months, then he broke it off telling me that he wanted to be friends and not be in a relationship and that he was moving into his friends parents house RENT FREE!! (whatever) it hurt but later that week I found out he was going out on a date with a 20 year old girl (now remind you he is 30 YEARS OLD) that broke my heart, once I heard that I just cut him off…..I didn’t call him or text him NOTHING!!!!! so after 3 weeks of no contact he started texting me just small conversations, he told me eventually that he wasn’t moving in with his friends parents because they wanted to charge him rent! (Yes, he actually believed that he would have to pay NOTHING to live there) so naturally we started talking more, I let him do the calling and he was, then he came over on Memorial Day weekend and we slept together (which was stupid) he had started drinking again that weekend also, so since Memorial Day weekend we pretty much slipped back into being together and then after a week or so his attitude changed once AGAIN!!! I caught him with a 20 year old (which he said nothing happened) and bottom line he treated me like crap!!! His mom was texting me telling me that I should leave him because he is NOT worthy of me and I don’t deserve to be treated like that!! which she is right!!! I did everything for him in these past 5 years, well just after fourth of July I seen that he had become friends with someone new on FB and they had no mutual friends nothing so I wondered how he knew her, well that day we argued because he gave me the whole friend card again….and I got him to finally admit that he was talking to someone else, which hurt really bad and still DOES!! He has now posted on FB that he is in a relationship with her and he put on there that his relationship started the day we broke up!! That crushed me!!! I have everything going for myself, my own house and new car a good job!! How can he go from being with me and trying to just recently get me pregnant (which he has tried a few times recently) and wanting to move in with me and all this stuff to being with this new girl!!!!!! I don’t know what to do, I know I need to move on! He lies and manipulates me and even his mother said he is a user!!! I have not contacted him in 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard from him. It is like I didn’t ever exist. I know he will come back he always DOES someone but I don’t know when!!! Will it work out with this girl?????? I just don’t get it. Does he seem like he has narcissistic traits? Now remind you he can not hold a friendship or really a job for that matter he rages at times and pouts when he doesn’t get his way!! he still lives at home and doesn’t have a pot to piss in at all!! He can not even get his own checking account because he owes banks money. His credit is horrible but that is how he lives, he does what he has to do to get by!!! Help me…..I don’t know what else to do, I am crying my eyes out all the time because of this…..

      Thanks Kim any advise would be greatly appreciated….

      Reply
        Kim Saeed July 27, 2014

        Anon,

        Just based on your description of your relationship, your Ex does exhibit many traits of Narcissism.

        I wish I had better news for you, but the likelihood of this situation ever changing is extremely low, if not impossible. As long as you accept him, he will keep floating back and forth between you and other women/girls. It will be up to you to stop the cycle by going No Contact and completely blocking him from your life. Otherwise, you will keep suffering as you are doing now as he will never be faithful, nor give you the love and stability that you so deserve. (In fact, although he may seem happy with the “new” girl, she will also be hurt by him).

        You will need to let go of your attachment to him and find a way to move on without him. I wish you the best of luck. Let me know if you’d be interested in my helping you with No Contact…

        Reply
          Katie July 27, 2014

          Thanks Kim…. You are right about him floating back and forth from me to other woman. He has been like this since I have known him. I’m the most stable girlfriend he has ever had and he uses that as a safety net! His mom told him a handful of times that me and her are the only ones that actually give a @#it about him. But that doesn’t matter to him! I really feel sorry for this girl she has no clue to his mental issues! Hopefully she will catch on soon it her parents will see it! Mine did and wanted me away from him within the first 5 months. I just hate thinking that everything is going so great between them. It hurt me to see that he put “In a relationship” on his FB page and that was the day we broke up. How can he just jump in with her?? This is really painful to go through and I feel sorry for everyone that has to deal with this sort of thing. He never really disappeared though when I was with him being distant yes. But he has defeated me and made it like he couldn’t stand to be around me. Are relationship was when it was convenient for him and the LIES!! In the week we broke up when we were arguing I gave him options of getting out of it like saying ” should we just go our own separate ways” and he responded to that by saying “no we are going to be together” and then this happens!!! He was just talking about moving in with me and everything! Back when he was living with that other woman and I bought my first home and he found out about it quickly he said it broke his heart that I went and did that cuz he always wanted that with me but at that time I told him I couldn’t afford it until my car was paid off and he couldn’t wait and then he ended up moving in with her. He has this new girlfriends parents fooled he became friends with her mom quick on FB within 3 days of them knowing each other. He is not good at emotion either he will even admit that! I could never talk to him about my feelings cuz he would flip out and hang up one me or so on. Thanks Kim and everyone’s story it makes alot of sense! I hope everyone on this site finds happiness!!

          Reply
      Anonymous July 27, 2014

      Thanks Kim…..that really helps with hearing that you think he has narcissitic traits, the only reason I questioned it, is that he never really disappeared when we were together other than when we break up we do not have contact. You are totally right about him floating back and forth and he will keep doing that. All my friends say that I am his safety net! He knows I am weak when it comes to him, I blocked him on FB and I will block him from my cell phone, I even blocked his new girlfriend (for my sake) I do not want to look at it and get upset. I know he will contact me down the line again I do not know when, but I don’t want to be that woman that he thinks he can always go back too. My friends and family do not like him and like I said even his own mother says that stuff about him, ofcourse she loves him its her son but she loves me as well and doesn’t want to see me hurt and treated bad by him anymore. She was very upset when this happened. His family knew I was good for him, but he can not even have a stable relationship or a job, friendship for that matter. His life is constantly a conflict and will always be. I feel sorry for this new girl she has no idea what is going to happen, she will eventually see his mean streak and un stable ways. I just hope it doesn’t take her as long as I did.
      Thanks again Kim for you advise…..you made me feel better!!!! And, please I would love help with no contact.
      Thanks Kim

      Reply
Stacy T May 8, 2014

Kim if I could reach through this post and hug you I would. Thank you for your post. As always it was at the most appropriate time. The perfect message to remind me I am doing the right thing. I am on my day 15 with no contact and I received a Mother’s Day card in the mail. I suspect that is because I have all his calls, texts and emails blocked. I wanted to run and tell him thank you for the card and hear the lies just one more time because in these 15 days maybe he learned smtg that he hadn’t learned in the many times we’ve separated over the yrs but then I remembered, no Stacy, there’s nothing he hasn’t said, promised, lied, guaranteed, sworn, and asked for time to make it right when really it was more time for you to do get his life back in order for time we were apart, secure more supply, and make things look good on the outside while I’m dying on the inside. So I stayed strong and still have had no contact, day 16.

Thank you for your amazing message and hopeful encouragement when it feels like I’m drowning in a sea of pain.

Many hugs!!!
Stacy

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    Anonymous May 14, 2015

    I just discovered this website. Oh my god. Thank you Kim. And thank you to everyone who has written in. Stacy T- you posted a year ago and I so hope things are going better for you now – but I had to reply to your post because you said what I am feeling so perfectly: I am now drowning in a sea of pain. I have been with a man for 2 years who is married. I met him when his wife was pregnant with their 3rd child. I know this makes me sound like an awful human being and if I could go back in time, I would NEVER have gotten involved with him but oh my god- I was under his spell. Again, I am totally ashamed and full of regret- I never wanted to be one of those women who disrespected another woman. When I met him, he told me how he was so unhappy- how he had been so unhappy throughout his entire marriage- how his wife was an abusive alcoholic… He told me so many stories about how she was crazy and abusive- how she criticized him, yelled at him, physically hurt him and on and on and on… I mean, OVER THE TOP crazy behavior. I came from a pretty dysfunctional family and my Dad is a narcissist and there was so much craziness in my household but STILL, his stories of how awful she is blew me away. I absolutely bought that he was this poor victim of an abusive alcoholic woman.
    When I first heard all of his stories about her, a teeny voice inside of me said RED FLAGS!! He plays the victim here!!! But I didn’t pay attention to that voice because

    Reply
      Unsettling June 14, 2015

      I am currently involved w/what I believe to be a narc for just over a year. He never disclosed he was married and by the time I found out, I was also “hooked”. He made me feel really special in the beginning, but bit by bit he gave less and less. I stopped seeing him 9 months into it, because I discovered he was having sex with a 19 year old co-worker, in her parents home. He is 37 and married with 2 children. I stayed no contact for over two-months and then sadly reached out to him, because I was still very sad and wanted to know why or how he could do this…I should know that if he could do this to a woman he married…he could easily do it to me with no remorse or hesitation. I have seen him a handful of times since I contacted him again, but it doesn’t feel the same as before. I also think that he’s still seeing the 19 year old. I feel like he chose her over me, which sounds ridiculous (because how a grown “man” could do that is vile to me) but my friends who know about it keep saying she’s just his new victim, just like me. I have difficulty sleeping and I feel so nervous all of the time. It has made me physically ill. Any thoughts/advice? I feel I’m looking for answers from a sick person and I will never get them…

      Reply
        Becky July 1, 2015

        It’s just like everything I’ve read on narcissists, they will never change. I too became physically sick, depressed, endless crying, couldn’t sleep. I was even worse once I found out he had a new supply. She even reached out to me, but she’s hooked on him despite all that I told her wat I went thru. I tried to spare her, save her, but she’s too blind in luv with the jerk. When she chose to stay with him, I got worse. I felt horrible, here he has someone an is happy, and I’m alone feeling emotionally damaged. It’s not fair, but Kim tells me the new supply will find out the hard way. I still feel like I cant trust men ever again

        Reply
          Unsettling July 1, 2015

          It’s really disgusting. I’m devastated, however I do believe it’s entirely cyclical and each new source of supply will suffer the same fate as we did. I’m usually a good judge of character, but he was soooo good at his “act”…he really had me fooled.
          Chin up…we will get through this and they will will hopefully get what’s coming to them some day.

          Reply
Proud Mother May 8, 2014

Thank you again, Kim… another great article that keeps reminding me how they think. That Narcs “love” ONLY when it benifits them.
I realise more each day that the ” BIG love” I got in the beginning was only for his personal gain. It makes me sick.

This one sounded VERY familiar :

” 2) fulfill his discarding of you. Hence, you’ll likely get “heartfelt confessions” that he loves this new girl and they’re a match made in Heaven. She understands him like you never could. She accepts him for who he is. She does everything for him…sound familiar? ”

He said these things the first time he cheated on me and now with his new wife to be.

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Anon May 8, 2014

Omg, the vast majority of those quotes and events could have been lifted from my relationship with my daughter’s father – especially after he moved in with a work colleague – did you note ‘moved in with’ = her house- ‘She just wants me to be happy, she says I can do what I please – I’ve put on weight because you didn’t feed me properly…’!!! He dumped her two kids later and skipped off to India as I understand it, leaving the CSA to write to me to ask me if I knew where he might be – Me??? If I knew you could get the child support he owes me – We didn’t see him ever again after my daughter was 4 – and not often from the age he left us at two… I think myself lucky at that as he was so much darker than I realised at the time, but we argues about his coarse comments and liking of porn – but darker than that still, his last girlfriend had been fifteen when he started sleeping with her, his ‘Pin-up’ Mandy Smith was only famous for sleeping with a Rolling Stone when she was 13 – he once went overboard about how ‘horny’ Drew Barrimore was whilst we were watching ET (caused a massive row)- she was about 4 in the movie – and only 15 in real life at the time – he asked me to see if I could stay quiet in the ‘bedroom’ and not make a noise… See where this was going? I think we had a lucky escape…

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made58 May 8, 2014

Reblogged this on MadeleineMaya.

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KarinKateriKei May 7, 2014

I feel nothing but sympathy for the current Target. Between my own and another Target’s combined knowledge, it would be impossible not to. I do wish that there was a way to help her but to cop a Star Wars reference: “The Fog is great with that one.” The trail of breadcrumbs I’ve left should lead her right here to clarity and recovery at such time as she chooses to open her eyes.
This was another super informative post Kim. Thank you for everything you do.

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happinessweekly May 7, 2014

It’s hard to get jealous when you feel so much empathy for someone – I just see anyone near him as stuck in his web of control, forced to live with his lies and deciept. Everytime there’s someone new, that new person is just like you – don’t be jealous, be freakin’ grateful it’s not you! What they’re about to go through is horrible, horrible, horrible!!! And reason behind it lies in the narcissist never being happy, settled and satisfied and because they won’t explore that in their lives they start punishing the people close to them. Once you shake off a narcissist your freedom is a blessing.

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    Cupcake's Mom September 6, 2014

    Exactly right! I suffered through 32 years, ended up with respiratory problems due to anxiety (which stopped within two weeks after making him leave), emotionally and financially raped, etc. I love your comment “freedom is a blessing” even at 61!

    Reply
      Anonymous January 5, 2015

      Amen Amen & Amen

      Reply
      Carrie May 30, 2015

      Amen! Very proud of you!

      Reply
      BeenThereWithNH June 3, 2015

      I feel sorry for his new “fiance” . We are in the process of divorcing but he is already engaged. Our 3rd born was not even born when when he proposed to the new supply. Now 11 weeks old. You said it perfectly…Once you shake off the Narc, Freedom is your blessing! What is funny is that she thinks he is perfect, the most wonderful man she’s ever met, her soulmate. According to her I am fake, I like artificial things and she is a true African beauty. By the way he told her what not to wear, no weave, no pants, no makeup, exactly the way he did with me. But I revolted, stood my ground, suffered the consequences (he beat me) but I remain true to myself. He hated that. But Getting divorced has been a Blessing in my life. I have maintained NC, we only talk via attorneys. I haven’t experienced such happiness, freedom and peace in a long time. I can’t wait for the D process to be over! As for her I have two words..Good Luck!

      Reply
    Anonymous November 6, 2014

    I understand your situation

    Reply
    sally March 17, 2015

    And don’t make the mistake of trying to warn them. My ex started a huge war in court against me when I did that – she told him that I warned her. Now she lives my old life and I warned her what will come so I don’t feel guilty but wouldn’t warn the next one because they never believe you anyway. Empathy is ok but don’t feel guilty for not warning them just live your free life to its fullest and remove yourself from them.

    Reply
      happinessweekly March 17, 2015

      They love the courtroom, don’t they?? I wonder if the 20th Century Fox music plays in their head right before they walk through the doors… They should hold Narc support groups there! #niche?

      Reply
Persia Karema May 7, 2014

Reblogged this on You Don't Have To Suffer In Silence and commented:
Reblog: Will My Ex-Narcissist Treat His New Girlfriend Better?
By Let Me Reach – Kim Saeed

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    Vabelle September 28, 2014

    I really feel for you ladies. I was with my narc ex for just over a year and boy was it an emotional rollacoaster! I am FINALLY done! Im no longer going to be a slave to my feelings (which die every day), for this man. He is very mentally ill and I have accepted that and all I feel for him is pity and sympathy and prayers for his next victim. We hadn’t been broken up more than 2 months before he was in a relationship which he announced publicly on fb. He knew id see it and wanted to make me jealous. I’ll admit, I felt a pang of hurt in my heart but a quick succession of other emotions rushed in like anger and overwhelming relief! I take comfort in the fact that IT WILL NOT LAST! And if she’s smart she’ll get out once the cracks begin to show BUT the only thing I worry is that:
    1. Narcs like to pick co dependent and insecure victims
    2. Like to try and trap them if possible via pregnancy. This is something to be strongly AWARE of. I have a huge suspicion that my ex poked holes in condoms to try and ensure id never leave him. This is the most terrifying. Especially as I was WAY out of his league, he wanted to ensure id be tied to him forever. He did not succeed thank God!

    Reply
      Persia Karema September 29, 2014

      Ah, yes. The emotional roller-coaster ride. I’m sorry you experienced this. Just like in your situation, I had walked away from my (ex) husband, and five weeks later, he had met someone else. They started dating a week later. He publicly put this up on Facebook too. He proposed to her six weeks after they got together; he proposed to me after only four weeks. My son with him is a year old, yet his current ‘victim’ is pregnant for him. He wanted e to get pregnant for him straight after our son was born. I was having none of it. Why should I? He was battering me.
      He wished me luck on trying to leave him, but I did. I made it, along with my son who was only twelve weeks old at the time.
      I’m glad you made it out of the relationship – alive (I almost didn’t). Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best for the future.
      Much love. x

      Reply
      YRNT November 6, 2014

      You are right when you say Narcs like to pick co-dependent and insecure victims. Me and my ex split and about a month later, he was w/another woman – a two-time divorcee with grandchildren in her early 40s and who also has a DUI on her rap sheet. She reminds me of those women who can’t stand getting older – however, from all the smoking, drinking and tanning she’s done over the years – she’s looks about 10 years older than her natural age of 45. My ex and me didn’t have children (thank goodness); however, I found out after we split that he was in arrears for a child from a previous relationship for over $20K and LIED to me that he paid his child support on time. We even got into an altercation and I wound up getting surgery in the hospital (I couldn’t press charges – he left the next day anyway). He also owes me over $5K – money I won’t get paid back for sure.

      Now he’s with HER – this silly woman will post pics of them on her FB page (I went on for IRS information – he also is ducking the IRS for unpaid back taxes going back to 2004 – had to claim innocent spouse relief on year 2006). She brags on and on what a “wonderful man” she has in her life and how “perfect” he is. I went and called her and let her know what she’s in for and silly woman told me how he was stealing money from her, is living in her house and not paying one bill whatsoever, and how their joint bank account got frozen b/c child support took that money away and was over $1,000. She said that one time, she allowed his mom, niece and nephew to visit and he ignored her in her own house for a whole week. He’s got the IRS, warrants for past child support, repo companies showing up at their door, etc., however, she’s so desperate, that no other “good” man will do. They knew each other from years prior and he tried to con her into buying a house so they could live together. Now it’s 6 years later – and she’s still w/him, well, I pity her, I tried to warn her, but she will get what’s coming to her – my ex’s credit is so bad that he can’t even get an apartment on his own – if she kicked him to the curb, he’ll go back living w/his best friends and then he’ll get his next victim. I only warned her b/c I don’t want to see another victim get conned by him; however, she probably thought I was jealous and wanted him back – she must have told him; however, he must have conned her saying it wasn’t true b/c HE left me – however, he never told her why our marriage had split – he’s got too much to hide.

      Reply
      Anonymous May 25, 2015

      Wow…that explains alot- him wanting to `start a family with me`and me getting pregnant after 3 months. I ended up staying (on and off) for 7 years for what I thought was the best for our children (we ended up having 3!) Geez Lewis….I was so naive and thought lovebombing=truelove, little did I know he was trying to secure a lifetime supply from a `girl with good genes (his words)` who would make him pretty babies. Now that I think about it, he said he tried to make a family with every girl hes been with!….so glad im Done with that troll

      Reply
        thepinch December 12, 2017

        Asking if a narcissist will treat his new gf better is like asking if he will treat his next car better. The only difference is that one way or another, the gf is paying for it.

        Reply
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