Q&A Tuesday: Why is My Narcissistic Ex so Mean Now That He’s Found New Supply?

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

May 20
Q&A Tuesday

They really are all the same, huh?

Meet the “Emotionally Immature, Socially-Challenged Narcissist”.  This is typically the Narcissist who never made anything of themselves and has spent their entire life living off of other people.

Narcissists are compulsive, having never matured emotionally.  A particular part of their brain never developed the ability to relate to others as whole people.  In fact, to the Narcissist, all of their partners are one and the same.  The temporary exception being the new supply who is being love-bombed.

In regards to being treated badly once the Narcissist discards you (after securing new supply), it’s important to look beyond surface facades and remember what you’re dealing with.  The Narcissist isn’t treating you badly because you deserve it in any way.  They are simply using you as an outlet for their juvenile tantrums because they cannot do that with the new supply.

Think of the Narcissist as a volcano, whose underbelly is stewing and churning with anger and contempt, yet with no immediate receptacle for their molten lava.  They cannot logically unload it onto the new supply, so what’s a Narc to do?  They call you of course; to let it all out – or alternately, send a scathing email.  (On that note, this is another good reason for you to block their phone number and email, especially if there are no children involved).

The Narcissist may look jovial and happy beyond recognition with their new partner, but it’s all a smokescreen.  This particular type of Narcissist deplores having to appear happy all the time, and further, they despise spending money if said spending is not directly related to them.  Securing new supply equals dinner dates, movies, and mushy phone calls late into the night.  To the Narcissist, all of this is tiresome and costly.  To a creature arrested in self-centeredness, any effort or money spent on someone besides themselves is profane; a necessary evil. 

But as all of us who’ve been with this type of Narcissist know, they keep a running ledger of whatever resources they invested during the love-bombing phase, and will recoup those resources one hundred-fold.

Now that you understand the Narcissist’s recent crankiness, the only thing to do is stop them in their tracks when they try to lay their junk at your feet.  Don’t eat the farce meat; block any of their attempts to contact you, which will in turn force them to chew on their own cud…or send the new supply screaming into the horizon.

Grown tired of your toxic partner’s juvenile games?   I did, too.  That’s why I wrote How to Do No Contact Like a Boss!


Do you have a burning question about your partner’s dubious behaviors?  Submit them to support@letmereach.com and your question will be entered into our database and possibly included in a future publication. 

No Contact Coaching & Mentoring services are available.  Click here to learn more.

© Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach, 2016

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(47) comments

J November 19, 2015

To annon: I thought I met my soulmate and had no hesitation when I became pregnant during our engagement prior to marriage. The only answer anyone gives is there can absolutely be no contact. Yet our child is it simply a means of him to ruin my life day in and day out. He is literally a terrorist that’s main target is simple old me. My life has literally been hijacked and the “family law justice system” has enabled his controlling behavior. I am reduced to a martyr, without exaggeration. I love our child and he knows that all too well. So he will keep me in court until I die I’m afraid.

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Cindy Patterson August 10, 2015

Thank you for all your great articles. The narcs selfish ways with money really hit home with me. Do you have more information on how cheap they are with money?

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Trish Thompson June 1, 2015

Kim, I need help. I have no one to talk to that understands. I believe I have been involved with a Narc for 2 yrs. now. Kim he is so insulting, so mean, so verbally abusive now. There is not one kind word from him.
I know to end it. I understand NContact. Kim what I don’t understand is me. WHY do I have to confirm, 100% he is with another woman. Why can’t I just not care. Why do I need to hear her voice say, yes, I am seeing him.
All he talks about is money, my money. He is supposedly dying with cancer. I thought it was true for sure. Now I don’t believe anything. Please help me. I want to hear her say it, she’s with him. Please write

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    Unsettling June 14, 2015

    I was/am with an N just over a year now. He is married and never disclosed that at first and because he said he wanted something “casual”…I did not discover he was married until I was already hooked.
    I keep seeing him.
    Then I discovered he was seeing another much much younger girl (19) and he is 37. I went NC for 2 months and then contacted him via text because I had unresolved issues with what happened after I told him I knew about the girl.
    I do not know for sure if he’s still seeing her or anyone else for that matter, but I have seen him 5 times since NC and each time is worse and worse. I feel hollow inside when he leaves and I asked him the other night if he cared at all about me and his response was, “I care about a lot of people, but I don’t allow myself to have feelings”…WTF does that even mean? Now yesterday I discovered after seeing him less than 24 hrs earlier, he blocked me…I have no idea what I did …my heart is racing and I cannot eat or sleep. I cannot comprehend how someone can be so mean…but I have to take responsibility for not stopping it after I found out he was married, and for sure after the new, much younger “supply”. I put myself back to square 1…these “people” are very very mean and I’m sorry for you. I understand.

    Reply
Lynnae April 12, 2015

Thank you for this Kim! I love the part about keeping a running tally. I recently realized in a therapy session that I have this overwhelming feeling that if anyone does something for me I’ll owe them back. I rarely ask for help from others for this very reason along with a fear of dating in that I’ll be expected to have sex with a guy if he pays for dinner. The realization I had is that this is directly tied to my ex N. He always had ulterior motives for everything he did. It’s going to take time for me to accept that not everyone is like that…that some people do things out of the kindness of their own hearts and won’t expect anything in return.

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Dara October 30, 2014

Dear Kim

Thank you very much for this post, I stumbled across it by accident and now I understand!

I am not too bothered about him having another “supply” or venting on me, I am over it. My real issue here is my two daughters, ten and six years old. Why does their father associate a new supply with abandoning them?

We live in two different continents and he refused to see them even when I offered free tickets! The girls didn’t see their father for two years and they miss him and I don’t know what to do. He had absolutely no contact with the girls for three months. My daughter turned ten and he never called her! She tried to call him once and he was so rude to her and the phone call ended up in tears and she was sick for ten days.

Pictures of his engagement to his new supply are filling the social media and the ones that are getting hurt are my little girls, my ten year old nearly smashed the cell phone when she saw a picture of him hugging the new supply on her nana’s profile picture. Since I blocked him from my entire life the only way to show me his beautiful new supply is through his mother’s posts you see!

I am sure she is associating the new supply with the way her father is behaving. By the way this is not the first time, he got engaged last year and the pattern was pretty much the same, maybe it was worse the first time because he denied having children in an attempt to secure a very young and wealthy supply!

He asked the girls to call him few days ago, he spoke for less than ten minutes and all he talked about was his new bride to be, he asked them three times if she was pretty! Asked for my daughters’ cell phone to be fixed so he can send her more pictures! He told them he was doing some tests to make sure he is healthy to remarry, he asked them one question about themselves, how’s school?! He showed no interest when my little one showed him the new gap in her teeth, she was so disappointed.

I am trying to make sense of what’s going on, is he emotionally drained that he can’t communicate with the girls? Does he want to forget all about them so his new supply doesn’t feel jealous? Does he feel guilty towards the girls? I really want to understand to be able to help my girls. Do you have any articles for young children? Where can I get help from? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and keep posting.

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Confused and Sad October 7, 2014

Hi Kim,
I don’t get it, I spend weeks begging and pleading with my ex to take me back. All I was met with was mean angry txts and attacks telling me all that was wrong with me. He had a new girlfriend within a month and all I hear is how he has moved on. I am trying No Contact now. Had to see him at my daughter’s game last night and our paths crossed. I made sure during the game in case he was looking that I kept a smile on my face appearing happy and confidant. When our paths crossed I was smiled and asked how he was and simple had something else I had to get to. I thought it went well. Hours late I get a very mean text from him…out of no where…I can’t win. I beg and plead he is mean tells me he as moved on and I should too, I leave him alone am cordial when i had to be and he emails me a mean hateful text. I think he truly hates the thought of me being happy. I don’t get it…all I have ever done is take his abuse and tried to be better. Owning it all. Why send the text if he has moved on…the texts just reiterated that he had moved on because I’m crazy blah blah blah…I haven’t said a word to him about his girlfriend. Why be so mean? Why send anything? Why wouldn’t he just continue to ignore me if he has truly moved on like he keeps telling me he has?

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    Kim Saeed October 11, 2014

    Confused, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I can relate to what you’ve experienced.

    It may seem counter-intuitive, but I would recommend ceasing the begging and pleading. It only makes your Ex feel powerful and gives him the supply he is looking for when he sends the mean texts. It also helps to not expect him to behave like a caring, compassionate person. He’s not capable of that if he is truly a Narcissist.

    What sort of custody arrangement do the two of you have? (Do you have primary or share joint custody with your Ex?)

    Reply
      Confused and Sad October 11, 2014

      Hi Kim, Thank you for your reply. We are just in the beginning stages of the divorce. I filed and i am waiting for him to respond to the court. Our daughter is 17. He spends a few hours with her every few weeks, and feels thats enough. Says “she knows I love her”. He doesn’t feel the need to put any work into their relationship. He is spending most of his time with his new girlfriend and her kids. I’m so sad that I have been permanently discarded. I want to get myself to a point where I stop hoping he reaches out. Thank you for your support, it is much needed and appreciated as I work thru this.

      Reply
Lisa September 13, 2014

I have a custody order in place and my ex narc still uses any/every excuse to harass me. He has had a new supply for two years. They are engaged and supposed to be so happy but he has continued to try to manipulate, control and intimidate me through his text messages. This has gone on for three years now. Unless my son is sick or hurt I don’t respond. It’s beyond ridiculous. I’m over it but I have to help my son deal with him.

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    Kim Saeed September 14, 2014

    Lisa, if you don’t mind my asking, what are the terms of the custody agreement?

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      Lisa September 14, 2014

      Unfortunately the Guardian ad Litem recommended joint placement. This was after he showed his true colors. My attorney, the communications counselor that we were required to see was shocked by her ruling. At the end of the final hearing she had the nerve to wish me luck. I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and almost financially bankrupt after that.

      It has been three years and I’m still recovering from this. Me and my son.

      Reply
Anonymous September 8, 2014

How do you handle this sort of thing when there is a child involved and they are just giving you a hard time with everything. Meanwhile I thought the new supply would keep him occupied.

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    Kim Saeed September 8, 2014

    Anon, they rarely disappear without a trace, even if they have new supply.

    Do you have a custody order filed in court?

    Reply
    Anonymous November 19, 2015

    This is my problem exactly. My life has literally been hijacked and the “family law justice system” has enabled his controlling behavior. I am reduced to a martyr, without exaggeration. I love our child and he knows that all too well. So he will keep me in court until I die I’m afraid.

    Reply
What was I thinking August 25, 2014

Thank you for this post! I had been no contact until last week when I stupidly had someone contact him about things he left at my house (when I barred him from coming back b/c he had stolen so much stuff my house echoed) to see if he wanted them since I am moving. Wow, that was an eye opener. He said sure, I want my stuff back and then went on a two page text rant about how awful I am, that I’m a messy disgusting pig, I smell, am a drug addict, and everyone knows all about me, all the years with me were completely awful, etc. To a complete STRANGER! I was shocked. I’ve heard how awful I am for years, but I never thought he’d be spreading these lies to strangers. I dumped him and I divorced him, so I know his ego is hurt and he is angry. But I couldn’t believe the vitrol after all these months to a complete and total stranger. He then went on to say how he had found someone that made him truly happy (yeah ok, after what 4 months? uh huh) and I’m dead to him, blah, blah. Oh and also apparently punched him. ??? Sad thing is, he abused me;. It is so delusional it would be funny if it weren’t my life. Finally he went into the money thing and had it down to the penny how much he had ever spent on me. Never mind he lived off of me while buying himself everything he every wanted. I’ve had some time to think about it and I see if he is so focused on denigrating me, then he ISN’T over it. It makes me pity him. Good luck to the new one. She needs it!

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    Anon September 13, 2014

    WOOWW…your post here is EXACTLY what I went through 2 months ago. I was told the same “you’re dead to me, you’re a drug addict, I pushed him, you owe me x amount of $s” (from what were his “gifts” to me at the time). All I can say is wow, this is scarily identical to my situation with my ex N. Thnx for posting.

    “I had been no contact until last week when I stupidly had someone contact him about things he left at my house (when I barred him from coming back b/c he had stolen so much stuff my house echoed) to see if he wanted them since I am moving. Wow, that was an eye opener. He said sure, I want my stuff back and then went on a two page text rant about how awful I am, that I’m a messy disgusting pig, I smell, am a drug addict, and everyone knows all about me, all the years with me were completely awful, etc. To a complete STRANGER! I was shocked. I’ve heard how awful I am for years, but I never thought he’d be spreading these lies to strangers. I dumped him and I divorced him, so I know his ego is hurt and he is angry. But I couldn’t believe the vitrol after all these months to a complete and total stranger. He then went on to say how he had found someone that made him truly happy (yeah ok, after what 4 months? uh huh) and I’m dead to him, blah, blah. Oh and also apparently punched him. ??? Sad thing is, he abused me;. It is so delusional it would be funny if it weren’t my life. Finally he went into the money thing and had it down to the penny how much he had ever spent on me. Never mind he lived off of me while buying himself everything he every wanted. I’ve had some time to think about it and I see if he is so focused on denigrating me, then he ISN’T over it. It makes me pity him. Good luck to the new one. She needs it!”

    Reply
    Anonymous November 1, 2015

    This is exactly what’s happening to me now. He’s just a liar all around no matter how you look at it. He either lied about all the compliments he gave me or he’s lying now that he’s putting me down…either way, he’s a liar. So sad.

    Reply
Annonomous August 10, 2014

Wow this rings to light a whole different way of getting over the hurt and pain he’s inflicted on me. As many others mine is a pathological liar and cheater, he has many new supplies using for sex only on several adult sex sites, addicted to porn the list goes on. I broke away 2 months ago and went No Contact only to be drawn back into his Vile Vomit. But I had enough of this when he Threatened my Life I filed DV charges and now the Court ordered him No Contact. We go to trial in Sept. I hope all his new supplies take warning to this Evil Person and what he’s capable of. But why should I care I’m out by the Grace of God.

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Mary July 24, 2014

Wow I thought I was the only one dealing with those feelings. My was doing all these. Things, threatening, to leave, controlling money, not paying bills, lying, drugs, mind games. Pretending to be a Christian, found out after we married he caused his diabled brother to get evicted he was spending his money while living there, put him 5 months behind. He took no responsibility. Also a few months in marriage he was grabbing my arm in church and jerking me cause I was walking away from him. I called his exwife she said she was waiting for me to locate her, she say he never touched her cause she was a police officer and kept a gun in house but he molested her daughter twice, she put him out he was arrested but she dropped charges to keep her daughter from going through all the court stuff. She said she lost her house he did not pay bills, she never knew where his money was going, he went on ,5 day drug binges and always accused her of cheating he was one doing it. Well he denied it. I have 2 daughters and a son I stopped leaving them with him Alone, he got mad. Anyway he got mad over something dumb one day and took all his stuff, left nothing was gone four days no call or nothing then wanted to cone back, My pastor told me no make him come to counseling. He left me and kids already 5 months behind in rent, we were evicted. He stayed with guy from work. I moved to a one bedroom apt. Still here, he had no remorse, I went to court alone for the judgment. Finally he went to counseling and lied about all. He never followed through with rest. I never had access to his account. My children are by my first husband. My pastor said leave him alone and go build your self esteem. I did but then started visiting his apt. It seemed better but always turned, he gave me money but controlled me with it. He was always going to divorce. He kept pressuring me to move back in a house together I said not without counseling. He would ignore me for weeks then I’d go apologize, he be nice, same pattern. But I never moved back with him, but kept being a wife, now he say he really divorcing me cause I abandoned him and been unfaithful, which a lie, he always sent email s in ast accusing me saying God gonna get me and I ain’t saved but he loves God with all his heart. Yeahrright. Anyway I told him let me know as soon as aper work done. He was mad he not call me I not call him. He does not have my number anymore I changed it last year he has my 16 year old daughter number. He was sending me ugly texts last year. So I knew he would not put those on her phone because her dad, first husband pays her cell bill and checks her texts. My husband does not want anyone to see real him. Im trying to stay away and strong. My kids say he never messed with them, but older daughter says she never felt comfortable around him. I can’t move back in with him. Him trying to punish me with threats and silence hurt but I got to move on. When my kids go to their dads during the week I feel bad being alone. I try to keep busy, church, exercise,etc. Just got a job start soon. I’m happy to see this site. I wished someone here lived in north carolina, I need a good buddy.

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George July 20, 2014

Hi Kim, enjoyed reading your articles. I have been struggling to find answers to why I felt so lost after she left a year ago. I believe now, after a professional told me exactly what you say, she has some narcissistic ways for sure. I had no contact with her for months, needed to know that she was ok. I texted her, expecting to hear how wonderful she was doing, I really did want to her that. But instead I got bombarded with things like, I was never happy since the day I met you, you never loved me, I don’t know you to be loving or kind, I took all of her money ( A list of 15 items that I cost her.), it was all about sex, and even though we were engaged, I never intended to marry her. She was struggling with the hurt from abandonment and betrayal !! She left, she took a new lover, she chose everything except to embrace and nurture us !! Talk about projection, I was dumbfounded, it truly took me by surprise !! Well that was months ago now, I have had a long time to see that she is twisting all things that were great and beautiful in to garbage in order for her self to survive the choices she made with a new lover. Its so complex, I hope to finish my book on it one day, I would like others to know that their love is real, no matter what the other person chooses, great is still great !!! Take the best and leave the rest, more love is the only thing that can heal love !!

George

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    Kim Saeed July 22, 2014

    I like your perspective, George. Thanks for sharing!

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    Paul September 7, 2014

    Hey George, the day after you posted this, my Narci said she was going to the store with a mutual girl we’re both friends with.The friend returned several hours later because she left a make-up bag in the bathroom but since July 21st 2014 I have not seen my girlfriend of 2 years and only heard three words of her voice over the phone. She tells her posse of enablers I abused her and I stole everything she owned. Posts on facebook what a dirtbag I was. So I launched a war….. https://www.facebook.com/PGBII

    and on youtube

    https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCxSEl0rTLpRUV_8B_0LzZ9Q/videos

    Any advise greatly appreciated, my Narci has heroin to numb that need for supply, as long as you keep her supplied. I tried getting her sober.Full Blown Narci attack Feinding for heroin. Was light a light switch, loaded she loves me forever, first signs of withdraws and the Narci venom and every game instantly aimed at you. Horrible catch 22 scenario. She’s been strung out for 7 weeks at a wealthy mid 50’s predator dirtbag and swears she “is just to emotional because how much she loves me, she can’t speak to me, see me or explain a single thing by text or Email. She can post slutty pics while expanding her friendslist and blocking me, but after 5 weeks her first Email was I STOLE EVERYTHING SHE OWNED. After waiting every day for a week of her scheduled pick up, always calling prior to, letting me know she’s on the way, and never showing up ever. She was given GHB for the first time and past out, for 2 days. Had to go with the old guy to help at Dr appointment to get him Viagra and still swears to her DEATH, hasn’t cheated on me…… She cheated over Thanksgiving after going to the airport with a friend to pick up someone she’s never met, a week later after the 3rd time coming home at 4:30am blasted on ? and swearing he has a girlfriend, to Fri I come home and she’s taken all her stuff, my credit cards, cash, computer, cell phone and tv. Quite a prize she was…..

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      George October 6, 2014

      Hi Paul, like many here I am still confused with all I experienced. The more I learn, the more I see that lots of behaviors, mine too, started many years ago. Her childhood was troubled, her longest relationship has only been 6 years in her only marriage and he threw her stuff out of the house and changed the locks. When I meet her she was engaged fro a year in a 5 year relationship, I didn’t find that out till a few months in to our relationship. The reasons for ending sounded legitimate at the time but know looking back, it was almost the same as what happened to me. Look carefully at their past, they will most likely repeat the same things again.

      I too confronted her about cheating, it was the first time I think that I got a glimpse of the hidden personality with in her. A year ago, after I found the guys truck in parked in her driveway early in the morning, I knew inside that it was over, my heart didn’t want to give up but my mind and my experience knew better. I had one big question then, had she done it before ? I asked her that, she went in to a rage !! I was in shock ! I asked because I needed to know if I had been fooled in to thinking she was someone else, I truly needed to know. About a month after that I asked again, the same rage again. Denial, projection, absolutely vial everything except love. I thought to myself how I would responded to that same question from her, it would have been, No, absolutely not, I love you, I would never even think of doing that to us!! Since I wrote last, I tried again to see how she was, same response but even more harsh and insulting. I think time passing has no good affects on her.I believe it just continues to reinforce the results and consequences of her poor choices. No matter how much she tries to cover them up with lies, the truth is known to her, there is no escape.

      I learned allot about myself and others as well. So, I know there is hope, remember the good, the great, the love, even if it was only real for you. Take that with you, look at their past carefully before your heart takes over your mind !!! 🙂

      Reply
Lotus July 17, 2014

This helped me too. I’m trying to avoid peeking at my ex online, but it is difficult. Like an Alcoholic trying to quit drinking! The last time he and I spoke was earlier this summer. It was an extremely bizarre (both good and bad) interaction. There were some nice things and some angry things said. Mostly now I just realize how immature he really is. He may have said a few nice things to me that day, but the things that really stand out are “we are not friends” and “my relationship is none of your business.” But you know, in their pictures together all I see are his dead eyes. His unsmiling face. She’s smiling, sure… because she’s too inexperienced to know who she’s living with. But he looks different to me now. I don’t remember him looking that way in our photos… but maybe he has always looked this way and I just didn’t see it before. I’ve got 13 months single post break up. He never made it even half that long.

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Lotus July 17, 2014

This helped me too. I’m trying to avoid peeking at my ex online, but it is difficult. Like an Alcoholic trying to quit drinking! The last time he and I spoke was earlier this summer. It was an extremely bizarre (both good and bad) interaction. There were some nice things and some angry things said. Mostly now I just realize how immature he really is. He may have said a few nice things to me that day, but the things that really stand out are “we are not friends” and “my relationship is none of your business.” But you know, in their pictures together all I see are his dead eyes. His unsmiling face. She’s smiling, sure… because she’s too inexperienced to know who she’s living with. But he looks different to me now. I don’t remember him looking that way in our photos… but maybe he has always looked this way and I just didn’t see it before. I’ve got 13 months single post break up. He never made it even half that long.

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Anonymous June 22, 2014

Thanks for this article it really helped me

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    You’re welcome, Anon. I’m glad to know it helped.

    Reply

My Ex took such pleasure in hurting me by telling me how wonderful his new supply was. How he was so happy — that he “had a right to be happy” (as if to say I was the reason for his unhappiness). He took such pleasure in hurting me by bragging about how wonderful his new supply is. I allowed his words to hurt me – deeply. I felt worthless after that conversation, utterly worthless and unlovable. And then one day I finally realized, my value, my worth, who I am as a person isn’t based on what HE thinks.

Anyway, long story short — I came through the haze of being entangled with a pathological lying narc and I’m better for it. I learned a great deal. I learned to love myself. I learned that if I don’t love myself, no one else will.

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    Anonymous March 8, 2015

    So true you have to love your self for years I was to busy loving everyone else and never stopped to think to love myself .

    Reply
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bamboozled1 May 21, 2014

Because you’re the only person who knows how much of a farce it is!!!! He has to protect it from you, aka, the truth!

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Trish Ping May 20, 2014

Since joining a week ago I’m still in shock.. But the info has made me stronger wiser and able to make clear decisions. For me because I loved him I send him energy to heal. How sad their life is. Feels like the right place mentally

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    Kim Saeed May 21, 2014

    Trish, it’s very wise of you to send him positive energy. It’s very easy to fall into a mindset of anger and revenge. The fact that you are wishing him well leads me to believe you may heal very quickly 🙂

    Reply
Charlie May 20, 2014

They promise many things and never follow through. Money is tbe main focus as they are complete opportunists. After you find out who and what they really are they turn on you. You’re then accused of being the crazy nut case. Amazing how they turn instantly when they see they can no longer control and they can’t succeed further theiir wrath of destruction although they do via other means. The childish behaviour that comes out of nowhere. Real men don’t treat women this way. Get away, cut contact and don’t look back.

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    Kim Saeed May 21, 2014

    Charlie, you are correct. When analyzed, it becomes clear that none of the promises they make ever come to fruition. Not one.

    Thank you for highlighting that the only way to survive is going No Contact. It truly is the one and only step we can take towards freedom and sanity.

    Reply
      Nicole August 9, 2014

      I am doing the no contact. Our teenage daughter has also cut contact with him and his family but our son believes every word him and his family say against us. He has friends that are police and has put made up charges on me in order for me to loss my job and career. How can I stop him from doing this. He took everything from our house and farm saying he owns it and has given it all to his girlfriend and family. We were together more then 17years. He turned physically abusive in the last 6 mths of our marriage. He has inflicted every form of dv on myself and our kids during our relationship. Reading your posts helps me know I am not alone in this. Thank you.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 9, 2014

        Nicole, do you have a domestic violence center near you and if so, have you visited them?

        I’m familiar with these Narcs having friends in the police department and using that to their advantage, so I imagine the staff at the dv centers may have come across that rather frequently, too.

        Once you’ve given me clarification on that, I may have some helpful suggestions…

        Reply
      Dee July 4, 2015

      Kim….
      I have been on the Merry Go Round from hell with my narc for three years. I finally went hard core and totally aggressive. Every attempt to contact me was catalogued and neighbors witnessed Narc throwing coffee at my car as he just innocently drove by my house (for the 50th time for no apparent reason) and I called the police to get a restraining order as well as to press charges if I could. Order is in place now and to my delight he has told mutual friends that he plans to NEVER speak to me agn and has now blocked me (as well as me from him) from all social media….woohooo. I am giddy with relief at the thought of him being gone forever but one thing haunts me and that is the crippling panicked thought that he may decide one day to return…..there is a good chance he will just stay gone, right???

      Reply
    Anonymous March 8, 2015

    Amen to that. My ex talks to me until he gets a new women then he tells the new women am crazy ! He would stay out all night doing drugs and drinking come home and beat me up. Then when he would get arrested for it he would tell everyone he didn’t do it even though I had stitches in my head or my teeth broken. Uses his good job to get women . Thank god am away from him

    Reply
betternotbroken May 20, 2014

I assure anyone feeling bad that their ex narcissist is “happy and joyful” with their new supply that they are not. I see now looking back how hollow all of his happiness and joy was, it felt so at the time but I just did not believe it and moreover he probably was so mean to you then entire time your perspective was just different. There is a blessing in them all being so much alike, you can tell the narcissists now and hopefully will never enmesh with one again, God willing.

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Carrie Reimer May 20, 2014

So true Kim, I laughed when I read the part about them keeping a running total of what they have spent. My ex actually presented me with an itemized invoice about a year into the relationship (once we were living together and buying a house) insisting I pay him thousands of dollars. On the list was $.45, that is 45 cents that I was short for a slushie.
And the part about not being able to spew their venom on their new supply. I wish I would have figured that out much sooner than I did. They feed off of the hurt they inflict on others, as long as they can get a reaction from their ex they have no need to spew on their new supply. By being available to the ex N for him to spew his hatred the victim is enabling him to keep his facade going longer with the new supply. Cut him off and the new relationship will turn ugly way faster.
They really are so much alike. If only they knew how ordinary they really are.

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    What was I thinking August 25, 2014

    They really do feed off the hurt they can inflict on whomever. I have found that out the hard way too. It was hard to not take it personally at first, but now that I’m no contact I just don’t care. He comes up with mean things that elementary kids say (you smell, etc). It’s really pathetic. Oh yeah, mine also had a running total of every dime spent on me. Even though he wouldn’t pay for his part of the living expenses and I found out during the divorce that he had a bunch of money stashed away. What a loser. Good luck to his new one…She really needs it. Once he stops being able to hate me, her world is going to turn into a horror show.

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    Sandy April 20, 2015

    Carrie I know this is so true! My ex husband kept a log of what he spent from his account and what I had spent from mine during our less than three year marriage! I never knew this existed until he presented it. He kept it at his work, and his office manager is the one that kept it current! She is also the one that he had type of the divorce papers, as well as the one he had an off again on again affair with. We both worked, he was an attorney with his own practice and I was in law enforcement so we both had steady incomes. He said that he didn’t know what I had in my account as I never had his name on the account. The reason he wasn’t on it was because he didn’t want to go to the city my bank was in to sign the paperwork and give his thumbprint. he acted like I tried to keep him away from the account. I couldn’t believe he was keeping records like this….. I never would have imagined it as I never kept any records of items I purchased for him or his children, including insurance riders that were automatically deducted from my paycheck.

    Well we have been divorced for 5 years, he has dated different women including the office manager for a lengthy period of time. After working for him for 20 they finally were able to “hook up” and date since both were now divorced, and after 8 months called it quits. She is still working for him though. We tried to get back together more than a few times and I couldn’t bring myself to move back in and get married. The same garbage different days…… I still am hurt by the whole thing and still am working on me….. But I don’t care how happy they think they are or how they show it…. Or with who…. It doesn’t take long for cracks to appear…..

    Sandy

    Reply
Nichole May 20, 2014

Thank you. Your posts truly are helping me through.

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    Kim Saeed May 20, 2014

    Glad to hear it, Nichole. Thank you for letting me know.

    Reply
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