How to Stop Attracting Narcissists

By Kim Saeed | Adult Children of Narcissists

Jun 14
stop attracting narcissists

I talk with many people who have ended a relationship with a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B personality type).  Some go on to remain single for years out of fear of attracting another disordered person, while others in fact go on to attract other Narcissists into their lives, either as romantic partners or friends.

Sadly, this seems to perpetuate the false belief that there is something wrong with the person in question; that they are not worthy of attracting more than people who will take advantage of them on varying levels.  If you are reading this article, you may be experiencing these confusing and contradictory circumstances.  It seems that no matter how much you give to your partner, the worse they mistreat you and the more they seem to disrespect you.

What if I told you that this happens because of how you feel about yourself on a deep, unconscious level?  Granted, you may be a giving, considerate person.  You recognize that you have the ability to care for and deeply love another person, but you just can’t find someone who appreciates it.  Perhaps you have an impressive resume, are creative, popular, and intelligent, but you have the proverbial white elephant following you through life, stamping out all of your efforts as they relate to your personal, intimate relationships.

It’s enough to make one give up on love, and many do.  But there’s a better way.  One that will not only improve your relationships with others, but also the most important one of all, which is the relationship you have with yourself.

The Snowball Effect

Most people who’ve been the target of a Narcissist had a painful childhood where they didn’t feel loved.  This can happen if they had a Narcissistic parent, but also if they had a parent who was in the military, an alcoholic, a workaholic, or absent (and/or condescending) in some other way.

Typically, we develop our sense of self up to the age of seven or eight.  Then, we go through life harboring that fragile sense of self and reacting to life from it.  We can also develop insecurities during other periods of life, such our teenage years, or as freshmen in college.  Or, perhaps you worked hard for a promotion at work, but were overlooked when the boss gave the job to their pet.  Maybe you experienced a combination of these events; events which led to your accepting unacceptable behaviors in your romantic partner(s) because you felt it necessary in order to keep them by your side.  Over time, you developed the limiting belief that life and love just have elements of pain to them and there’s nothing that can prevent that.  By the time you hit your thirties or forties, you’ve left behind a wake of broken relationships, never finding the person who complements your soul and feeling jaded about life in general.

God and The Universe have been telling you it’s time for a change, but you’ve been changing the wrong part of the equation – your partners.  In order to truly experience fulfillment, you need to change some things about yourself, mainly your negative conditioning and limiting beliefs about yourself and relationships.

Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know” ~  Pema Chödrön

The Law of Attraction

Let’s cover a few of the factors that keep you attracting the wrong partners into your life, especially if you’ve come out of a relationship with a Narcissist.

1 – Most people who’ve been in a toxic relationship go on to discover their partner is a Narcissist (or other Cluster-B).  This occurs after months of research, which oftentimes turns into years.  Many targets understand more than even licensed therapists on the subject.

While educating oneself about Narcissism and its behaviors is important, there comes a time when you should stop collecting information and change your direction.  If all you think about is Narcissism and your partner’s hurtful behaviors, the Law of Attraction ensures that you will keep getting more of the same.

Instead of keeping yourself in that low vibrational place, spend time discovering why your abuser’s behaviors were hurtful to you.  Start an emotion journal.  Each time you’re triggered, take time to feel the emotion instead of repressing it.  Jot down your initial thoughts and go back each time you have a new revelation.

Example:  You ruminate on the fact that your partner said you are trashy, worthless, and/or unattractive.  You feel hurt and offended.  Start to analyze their remarks using reality-based thinking.  Because they said those things about you doesn’t make them true.  Think about your successes and accomplishments.  Think about your blessings.  Recall the people who told you that you’re attractive.  You will soon realize that your partner was using the lowest, most juvenile behaviors to tear down your self-esteem.  That makes you far above their league.

2 – Do the self-work to heal your brokenness.  Instead of viewing the end of the relationship as the end of life, think of it as the new beginning that it is.  The time you invested in learning about Narcissism should now be spent learning about you…especially that it’s likely you don’t know who you are anymore.  Change that.  If you don’t, you won’t heal your hurts, and you will keep attracting toxic people until you learn the lessons that keep being presented to you.  In the beginning, it will take concentrated effort to change your habits, but the time will pass anyway.  You may as well put it to good use!

 “The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~  Pema Chödrön

3 – Whether it takes six months or a couple of years, you can get to a place where you love yourself and life again.  But, it will be a process of discovery, which requires time and consistent effort.  Avoid falling back into self-defeating thoughts and behaviors.  Each time you have a negative thought, replace it with a positive one.

Example:

Self-defeating thought – “My partner never appreciated anything I did.  I must not have been good enough…maybe everything was my fault, after all.  I guess I could have been more understanding.”

Self-mastery thought – “I did the best I could, but due to my partner’s disorder, they never had (nor would have developed) the capacity to acknowledge it.  I am a giving, loving person and I deserve to be treated with respect.  I will never let someone mistreat me again.”

As Wayne Dyer says, “Change your thoughts, change your life”.  In closing, I leave you with a powerful pdf, The Essential Wayne Dyer Collection, which contains Wayne’s interpretations of how our thoughts create our reality and how, if we make the conscious effort to change our negative thoughts, we can change our whole course in life.

**If you find you’d like to purchase any of Wayne Dyer’s books or audio cds, here’s the link.

These are all great resources that will help you transform your negative beliefs about life and love into positive, loving ones.   When you get to the point of self-awareness where you realize that all life loves and supports you,  your vibrational levels will be such that you will attract the right person into your life as if by magic!

Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear? ” ~ Pema Chödrön

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(26) comments

anabel5124 August 21, 2015

I love this article. This helped me identify some patterns I hadn’t realized until recently. The first several paragraphs blew me away because I could so closely relate! I discovered my 2 most serious relationships (and most painful) were both with narcissists. I was clueless all these years, but I’m ready to break the cycle! You mention some great tips, many which I had instinctively been doing over the last year. I’ve been taking this time to get to know me again and love myself, but my question is… in doing so, does that not make me a narcissist? The thing about dating a narcissist is that they are experts at convincing you that YOU are the narcissist, not them. Now I’m constantly worrying are they right? Am I really a narcissist? Maybe it was just me all along?! One of the symptoms is caring too much what other people think.. and I do care what others think of me but I thought that is normal?? Another symptom is being very black or white in relationships. My last ex insisted on remaining friends after our painful breakup and I just couldn’t. I needed to break free and move on from the pain, so he told me I am being childish and says “it’s just all or nothing with you” .. does that make me a narcissist? Gosh it’s just such a fine line. Here i am trying to get away from the cycle of dating narcissists and I’m now sort of just dating myself… I take myself out shopping, out to dinner, to do fun activities… I’m getting to know me and falling in love with me because if I don’t love me than how can anyone else?? I’m treating myself with all the respect I deserve and quite honestly I’m happier now than ever before … I’m also raising the bar and being very selective about who I date and who I don’t date when the time comes that I place myself back into the dating pool. Does that make me a narcissist? Please advise because this is really messing with my brain and my heart. Thank you in advance for your response.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Anabel, with not knowing more about your background, what I can offer is that you seem to be experiencing symptoms of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, especially given your high levels of self-doubt.

    No, the things you’re doing for yourself absolutely DO NOT make you a narcissist. In fact, what you’re doing is very healthy and beneficial for someone coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship (and just in general, really).

    Regarding your last Ex wanting to remain friends – this is a common tactic of narcissists and one they use to keep their victims in the destructive loop, and they ALWAYS accuse their victim of being childish and inflexible when they don’t want to remain “friends” with the narc.

    You are doing everything right…kudos, Anabel!!!! You rock! 🙂

    Reply
labby blue January 28, 2015

I just wanted to say thank you for this. Thanks so much!

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Confised October 10, 2014

Hi Kim,

You are great 🙂 Love your work.

I keep hearing the words “Learn your lesson”…But what does that mean? How are we supposed to know what that lesson is? Is it the lesson that we deserve better and we need to move on? Is it the lesson that we have to let go what isn’t right in order to respect ourselves?

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 11, 2014

    Hi Confised, thank you for your kind words 🙂

    Yes, you have the basics covered, though we have to get to the root of why we stay in such torturous relationships to begin with. Though not universal, I have found that most victims of Narcissistic abuse are empathic, highly sensitive, and highly codependent.

    Being empathic and highly sensitive requires some grounding work, but are gifts. Codependency is something that we learned as a defense mechanism and can cause us to accept very dysfunctional behaviors in our relationships…some of those behaviors are our own.

    Learning the lesson means finding out what makes you unhappy in life. Those things are triggers into your wounds. Only by doing self-inquiry and self-work can we change our limiting beliefs about ourselves and the world in order to live a fulfilled life.

    Hope that makes sense!

    Kim

    Reply
Candace McCutcheon August 27, 2014

Wow. I’m finally starting to get what’s been going on all my adult life, and why I’ve been treated the way I have, why I attract the people I have attracted in the past. Now I just need to heal and become stronger and more aware of exactly what the dynamics are that are going on in these situations. I had pretty much written off any chance that I could have a loving relationship, but perhaps there is still hope. Thank you for your clear and concise demonstration of how these patterns form and feed off of themselves. I’ve walked away from negative situations like these. At first I would just feel awful, like it’s the end of the world or another of a series of dismal failures on my part. Then, as time passed, I would start to see exactly what was going on. I am so glad I had the strength to walk away from these toxic relationships. Now I just need to not get sucked into the worlds of these sad, needy people who wind up pulverizing my self-esteem in the end as they attempt to build themselves up at the cost of the self-esteem of someone else. It appears to me like they are emotional parasites. I was especially blown away by the description of a pattern that I have experienced — of my giving and giving and giving to people who don’t ever seem to except me because they don’t really want the help. They seem to want to just want to eat away at my self esteem in order to give themselves a feeling of superiority, which works well for them temporarily…until I catch on and walk away, never to return. Once bitten, twice shy. It’s time for me to break this unhealthy pattern that is a downward spiral, a no-win situation. Thank you for your help. — Candace

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Anonymous August 27, 2014

Wow. I’m finally starting to get what’s been going on all my adult life, and why I’ve been treated the way I have, why I attract the people I have attracted in the past. Now I just need to heal and become stronger and more aware of exactly what the dynamics are that are going on in these situations. I had pretty much written off any chance that I could have a loving relationship, but perhaps there is still hope. Thank you for your clear and concise demonstration of how these patterns form and feed off of themselves. I’ve walked away from negative situations like these. At first I would just feel awful, like it’s the end of the world or another of a series of dismal failures on my part. Then, as time passed, I would start to see exactly what was going on. I am so glad I had the strength to walk away from these toxic relationships. Now I just need to not get sucked into the worlds of these sad, needy people who wind up pulverizing my self-esteem in the end as they attempt to build themselves up at the cost of the self-esteem of someone else. It appears to me like they are emotional parasites. I was especially blown away by the description of a pattern that I have experienced — of my giving and giving and giving to people who don’t ever seem to except me because they don’t really want the help. They seem to want to just want to eat away at my self esteem in order to give themselves a feeling of superiority, which works well for them temporarily…until I catch on and walk away, never to return. Once bitten, twice shy. It’s time for me to break this unhealthy pattern that is a downward spiral, a no-win situation. Thank you for your help. — Candace

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[…] How to Stop Attracting Narcissists […]

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Anna June 17, 2014

I’m an empath and intuitive. I KNOW that it’s not time for me to be in a relationship right now. I want to be loved and I have a lot of love to give, but it just isn’t timely for that person to come along now. I have not healed nearly enough to be able to trust them. If a healthy person were to come right now, I am afraid I would push them away with my defensiveness from (1) growing up in an abusive home; (2) hating myself up until about the last 2 years, including self-injury, etc.; and (3) being in relationships with narcs/abusers my whole life.

Thank our Creator, I am now healing for the first time and starting to love myself and to grow. I find it’s timely to work on my career, to work on my body, getting healthier but it is absolutely not timely for a relationship for me right now. Part of me wants to get all offended that no one wants me but I know our Creator is protecting me from hurt and pain and hurting another person right now.

Thanks, Kim, for a great post – all of yours are so wonderful and helpful.

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Abriella66 June 16, 2014

I am an Empath. It’s a wonderful way to live, and it’s exhausting. I love Dr. Wayne Dyer and Louise L. Hays. I’ve read many of their books at the library and watched DVDs I’ve found at the library, also a lot of their videos on youtube. Once I found them at the library, i started working through the whole section on the same topics by other authors. I have positive affirmations written on pieces of paper and in my pockets. I read them through out the day while at work. I have them written on little pieces of paper in my purse and tucked in my coat pocket.
Thank you

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Charlie June 16, 2014

This was a great post Kim. I was able to relate to this 100%. Starting to feel the best I ever have with no interest in meeting anyone. Enjoying this time by myself and after so much research into narcisissm, having educated myself I know how important it is to work on yourself, discover self love and to work on building your self worth. It’s life changing and a great feeling.

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emergingfromthedarknight June 15, 2014

There is such wisdom in this.. So am sharing it….Powerful and beautiful.

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idiotwriter June 15, 2014

I had not heard of empath/hsp before…
Thank you KIM! I have found some great resources to confirm some very deep suspicions regarding MYSELF AND – my beautiful children.
Things I have been learning and seeing for many many years – have a name 😉
What is amazing really is how what I have been trying to practice and instill in them and how much I have researched and learned all ties so beautifully together.
Yes I have often thought it a curse…though understand and see the advantages and so try to convey and form it into a positive rather than negative attribute.
SO wonderful how today I needed this affirmation again…we are doing OK! 😀
You truly are a blessing. AND – a role model and inspiration to me.
I have always deeply known it is OK to be ‘wired this way’ – and we are not suffering some mental illness. AND that it is also OK that other people ARE NOT.
Hope that all makes sense dear. O_o

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 17, 2014

    All of it makes perfect sense 🙂 I’ll never forget when I learned I was and Empath/HSP. Like you, I finally felt at home in the world.

    You are a blessing to me, too! If not for your reaching out, I may not realize how much you’ve been helped by what you’ve read here, so we have been placed into one another’s paths for a reason 🙂 Your comments prove to me what my purpose is and that I’m on the right path <3

    Reply
      idiotwriter June 18, 2014

      Awesome times LOTS!
      Huge babe – and I am positive it helps many folk actually. Such a delicate subject to discuss openly (I am sure ESPECIALLY if you are STILL trapped inside the nightmare) – You give people a voice of reason, where logic just has been stripped away.
      15 years ago I would never have commented here – BUT – I would have read with my eyes (and mouth) wide open with tears running down my face. COS THIS is what people NEED to hear – REASONS why they do not HAVE to abide living in misery…and WHY they are.

      Have a BRILLIANT rest of your week dear 😀

      Reply
Carrie Reimer June 14, 2014

excellent post Kim. I just wanted to add that once a person does the work of putting themselves back together and they realize they have been telling themselves negative lies about themselves that were told them years ago and they really like and appreciate who they are; the “need” to meet a man disappears. which automatically makes them more attractive to men, healthy men.

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    Kim Saeed June 15, 2014

    Most excellent input, Carrie 🙂 Thank you for adding that <3

    Reply
    Kim Saeed June 14, 2014

    Wow! Thank you so much, Eric…that means a lot coming from you 😀

    Reply
      Hunt FOR Truth June 14, 2014

      ah, that is sweet… TYVM. I’m pleased that you like having the re-blog. I only just began at facebook and the eader following is not large… but I hope it makes a difference for some people. The suffering that we do while unaware is just not necessary except that our cultures are so upside backward messed up.

      Reply
Hunt FOR Truth June 14, 2014

very nice!
I will blog this at Facebook.
~ Eric

Reply
premises | gambolinthegrammar June 14, 2014

[…] just read a very helpful post that short-circuited my own need to post: How to Stop Attracting Narcissists. It wasn’t really so much about narcissists as it was the need to heal and…well, if […]

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 16, 2014

    Thanks for the pingback 🙂

    Reply
theinfiniterally June 14, 2014

Very much appreciated, Kim. (I used to follow you awhile back from a ‘secret’ account but now follow you from my main one. Glad I found you again.)

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 16, 2014

    Thank you! So good to have you back 🙂

    Reply
      theinfiniterally June 17, 2014

      Thanks! You probably didn’t need to know all that about the other account, but as a survivor (working on it) of narcissistic abuse, I’m allowed to be neurotic! 😀

      Reply
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