How to Attract a Narcissist Back Into Your Life

By Kim Saeed | Moving on after No Contact

Jun 17

These search terms invariably come up on my stats page and my first thought is, “Why would you want to?”

If you’re asking this question, it’s likely that your Narcissistic partner is giving you the silent treatment or has discarded you for another source of supply.  Or, perhaps you left them after realizing they would never stop the emotional abuse, and now you’re having second thoughts.

Trauma bonding, zero self-esteem, and magical thinking are the main reasons a Narcissist’s former Source of Supply would ask this question.  Thus, it’s important for you to understand why you believe you want the Narcissist back, as well as the steps to take if you still feel the need to learn things the hard way.

 

The Silent Treatment

If your Narcissistic partner is giving you the silent treatment, then he or she will be back.  How do you know?  Most cases of the silent treatment are simply a form of punishment.  You asked for something they have no intention of giving you (fidelity, respect, honesty, financial help). Or, perhaps you discovered concrete evidence of their cheating.  In order to make sure you turn a blind eye, they dole out the worst thing possible to someone in love – utter disregard.  This can last up to several months, depending on his or her indiscretions, and whether they have another source of supply.

The fastest way to get them back to your door is to ignore them, too.  Even if they have another source of supply, they cannot resist the challenge of “winning” you back.  Not out of love, but simply as an ego trophy.  However, don’t make the mistake of assuming that since they made the effort to win you back that they’ve changed.  They haven’t.  They’ll get bored again and find another reason to bounce.

You should keep in mind that the more you accept them back into your life, the harder it will be for you to detach from their toxic influence.  Further, they often fabricate situations to incite a quarrel so they can again implement the silent treatment.  The reasons for this vary, but if they do it on a regular basis, they likely have another source of supply that they’re grooming behind your back.  They’re just keeping you in the queue until something more permanent comes along.  This is also how many females become “The Other Woman”.

All of these reasons are why the smart thing to do is implement No Contact when they engage in the Silent Treatment.

Discarded

If you’ve been discarded by your Narcissistic partner, you undoubtedly believe it’s because you weren’t good enough.  This is because he or she told you so.  They made snide remarks such as, “You’re getting old”, “You don’t take care of yourself like you used to”, “You’ve gained weight”, “I don’t feel sexually attracted to you anymore”, and so on.

Almost every person I interact with who has been involved with a Narcissist hears these declarations.  It’s as though all Narcs have gone to University to learn the most heart-wrenching comments to make to devalue their partners.  It’s so robotic it’s absurd.  But, the worst part is that when a Narcissist’s target hears these words, they believe them.

This particular scenario makes me almost as angry as their using children as tools.  Allow me to dispel these false statements.

“You’ve gained weight.” –  This is a very common side effect of emotional abuse.  Some people cannot eat when they’re anxious, but others turn to food to ease their pain.  I was of the second group.  I’d lost all of my weight after having my third child and felt good about myself…until I got back with my Ex.  Over the course of one year, I’d gained back fifty pounds.

Recognize this as a symptom, not as a measure of self-worth.  If you don’t feel good about your body, you can do something about it.  Not for the Narcissist, but for yourself.  Truth be told, if you attempt to lose weight for them, they will likely mock you for it.  (Another good reason to give them the boot).

Alternately, you may not have gained an ounce, but your partner may say this just to tear down your confidence.

“You don’t take care of yourself like you used to” – No one gets out of bed looking like Miss (or Mr.) Universe.  In fact, if you’re a stay-at-home mom or work from home, it’s easier to fall into going casual, which often means no makeup and/or hanging out in your pj’s.  The Narcissist pounces on these occasions to make you feel less-than.

Alternately, even if you’ve groomed yourself, including hair and makeup, the Narcissist will still make this comment.  Why?  You’ve taken the time and made the effort to fix yourself up, and maybe even feel good about the results, but the Narcissist wants you to feel that in spite of your efforts, you’re still not good enough.  That’s how they operate.  The truth is, they may not even have an opinion about what you look like at any given moment, but they will make digs at you to chip away at your self-esteem.

“You’re getting old.” or “My new girlfriend/boyfriend thinks you’re too old for me.” – I hear this all the time from my clients and it admittedly makes me angry.  Especially when it’s coming from a 40+ woman.

This is often the age when a woman is most beautiful.  She’s matured, moved past insecurities, and is wiser and/or more educated (which may or may not have anything to do with an academic degree).  The truth of the matter is that if you detach from your toxic, immature, nincompoop of a partner, there would be someone out there who would recognize your worth.

The sad part is, many women stay in a toxic situation and constantly seek validation from the very person who took it away from them.  If this describes you, throw that louse out on his ear, get your confidence back, and you will go on to find a person who appreciates your inner and outer beauty.  Stop looking for gold in mud puddles.

“I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore.” – Another common stock-phrase used by narcissistic ninnies , both male and female, and includes your partner if they say this to you.

Make a conscious effort to not take this statement personally, even if they are withholding sex from you to drive the “point”.  Remind yourself that when your partner says this, it’s a form of emotional bullying.  Take out the trash, polish up your self-esteem, and you’ll eventually find someone who won’t be able to keep their hands off of you.

If you desire to attract the Narcissist back into your life in spite of hearing the above statements, you are trauma-bonded and seeking validation from a source that will never supply you with it.  The only thing that will happen is that you will continue to feel worse and worse about yourself.  As a matter of fact, the more you forgive the Narcissist for saying these things, the worse they will treat you.  Because although you may make an excellent source of supply, inside they’ve lost respect for you…because you first lost respect for yourself.  That may be hard to read, but I know because I was once in your shoes.  Only through leaving did I have any hope of respecting myself again.

Regain your power.  You don’t need to win the Narcissist back, you need to win yourself back.

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(39) comments

Anonymous November 18, 2016

You helped me . Thank you .

Reply
A Pakistani Girl September 17, 2015

I am from Pakistan – a collectivist society where guys have certain restrictions over how they treat females. So if a person is having love affair with more than one girl, people usually do not approve the guy as good. The guy I was having in relationship for past three years was a narcissist. I came to know about this just before his marriage proposal was formally sent to my family and my family was not approving it. Just in one meeting my family knew something was wrong with the guy. That was hard for me to digest. The guy has been a charmer. How can he fail to make my family love him? There was much emotional drama. i am a BPD patient myself so leaving a partner is the most difficult thing for me. Plus my narcissist partner has been very patient about my mood switches. Though after every silent treatment It was I who won him back saying sorry and all good things I could, there were times when I was really saying insensitive things to him and I knew he is getting hurt but he dealt with it with much patience. After he was rejected by my family, he asked me to be patient and lovable to my family. That was not possible for me due to my BPD. I was over-emotional and he was just without any emotions. I could not explain to him why I am crying all day and why I rush to him for whenever someone says anything bad about him. Somehow I feel he was losing patience over me and finally he gave me another silent treatment and during that day I came across an article on narcissism and echo. I never knew he was one of them but I mentioned it to him saying that I am feeling like an echo. He didn’t say anything then but later he fought me for reasons I cannot understand by now. And he left for around a day. It was like a huge blow to me. How could he do this to me at this critical moment? He was suppose to fighting for me, to convince my family that he is the guy most suitable for me. I gave him time to let him think over the thing, as I have learned to do. And once I knew he was okay, I sent him around 20 calls till he picked up the last one and said that since I am very under stress for last few days and is saying all harsh words, it is better we do not talk to each other for a while. He was partially right. I was doing that as usual but I was bearing that stress for him – for our relationship. Finally my family told me to think over the matter again rationally and decide. I asked him to leave me alone for a while as I wanted to make a decision. And then I read all those article on narcissism. It was intuition or some kind of help from God that I could see something was wrong about the way he reacted to that article. The more I read the more he fit into the persona. and then I came to know about a lie he has been telling for months. It was about a friend’s second marriage. He said his older lever has come back and he is marrying him despite having children from the first one. This is socially unacceptable thing in the society I live. I asked him to please talk to the guy. He said he won’t because he feels there is no wrong in this. He has promised me never to have a second marriage and I was bewildered. He said he never made any such promise. I couldn’t understand. So while I was having that period of rational thinking the friend he accused of second marriage, told me that this was all a joke and he cautioned me that I am such a simple-minded person that he fear I should not go against my family. I cannot judge people. What was left for me to decide. I said goodbye to the guy and told him on his face that he is a narcissist. He wasn’t angry (I expected him to be). He just keep telling me to come back that he can fight for me. Then I called him again in the morning and said sorry for calling him a narcissit cause I knew I was bipolar and he has never said anything bad about it ever in our relationship. But I told him again very firmly that this relationship is over and I could not bear living with a guy who lied to me. He said it was mere a joke. But dragging that joke for three full months. I feel he was telling him his story. Some of his love has come back and he was convincing me to let him marry her (God knows better). Finally I kept no contact for over a week and in a weak moment I called him again. He said he has written an email for me but was not sure whether to send it or not. I let him send it. In the email he has told me that I lack the faith – the belief love gives to people. which is true. BPD lacks faith. He said that his love was never without faith and he still love me and whenever I wanna come back, he’ll accept me. But I am not confused. Was it my BPD that caused all this trouble. Or he was really a narcissist. And all the time I keep rethinking about this thing. I cannot go back now and I somehow prey for some miracle that he comes back. But then, I recall all those days I had to plead him to come back to me and I want him never to come back. I recall those days when I had to admire him more and more and he was never satisfied. Even in his last email he said that I was some days a ture admirer who treats him like a hero and those were his best days but he even loved me when I was insensitive. He said my love for him was always for a finite period. Should I contact him again or keep this no contact thing intact. I have a hunch that there is someone else, any of his past love is trying to come back because the effort he is putting to get me back are not what I was expecting. I prepared me for a long effort to make him realize I am no more but he accepted it quite easily and have sent me good bye email already. He didn’t say me to come back. He just wished me good luck for the future and just predicted that one day I would realize what true love is. And he said I can talk to him whenever I need him for anything. Haa. I am like totally confused.

Reply
TR September 3, 2015

I am beginning to think my partner; or almost ex-partner; is a pathological narcissist and secretly working as an escort behind my back.

She is from South America, and is extremely sexy. She gets hit on all the time, and every ex-boyfriend (or so I am told this) has wanted to marry her. Which is information I never solicited nor give a crap about, and is often brought up during any emotional discourse, to trivialize my feelings or value-diminish any relationship plans we try to make. She consistently projects as well, Calling me “the crazy one,” when I worry about her when she does not text me back or comes home late after supposedly working and has alcohol on her breath. She is prone to fits of rage when confronted about inconsistencies, inaccuracies and secretive behaviors. She chose me over other men, because she has a son, and immediately began sensing the finer qualities in me other men had lacked in her many previous relationships. How many? Of that, I am no longer sure. They burn out in less than a year usually, that is what I have gathered over our 2 1/2 years knowing each other. She gives out bits of truth, in tiny pieces, when sad, feeling vulnerable, or in periods of anxiety. Over the years I have remembered almost everything she has said or done. And, I am beginning to piece the fabric of a narrative I am only now beginning to understand.

Eventually we moved in together. It has been hell. She has taken our engagement ring off her finger more than once. She beat me with it once, it was in the ring-box, when I said her happiness is not dependent on me. I can try to make you happy every day but you must also try to be happy for yourself. I was shocked this lead to an outburst of uncontrollable rage. I still had my apartment at the time, the lease had not ended. So, I fled to be in solitude and try to discern what is happening. Lacking any insight, previous experience, or knowledge to go on. I began to think it might be related to childhood trauma, I tried to avoid her, call her, text her, and did not answer her back. I tried to park my car far away from my apartment so she would not know my comings or goings. But, my car is almost entirely unique looking. She had been driving around trying to spot it, and did. She cornered me when I parked my car. Somehow she convinced me she was sorry, she would change, seduced me sexually and starting making relationship promises again. She seemed sincere to me at the time.

I eventually moved my office from my apartment to the lease (her place that I paid for) and move-in with her completely. I let my lease end. But, felt fear and trepidation at the time. And, almost did not move in. I disappeared for a day to think about it. She was at the time understanding. And, I just said it was a big move and I felt anxiety; that it would pass. But it did not past, it grew. She consistently began ignoring me. Watching TV, doing her hair or nails, shopping without me, not texting me, or calling. Coming and going without a goodbye or any information at times. I asked her what her schedule was once, because I did not know it. She angrily said “Why, are you planning something?” I felt confused and even thought she must be projecting that she has secret plans.

Our intimate sex life became a zero. She would put cream on her face, fiddle with her phone, completely ignore me then fall asleep. I would stay awake at night thinking–why am here? Why do men and women even get together at all and try to have relationships. I began to question and doubt everything. Myself, reality, is happiness possible; or does it even exist. This feeling came over after a number of casual criticisms and a lot of belittling of me and my character as a human being. As an example, one time we had time to kill before seeing a movie. We were at the mall, so we went into Victoria’s Secret. We looked for underwear for her. I saw some thing cute on the torso of a plastic mannequin and said, that is sexy and would look good on you. She looked at me with cold laser eyes and said “you are a pervert.” I didn’t know what to say. She then began defending her remark angrily when I objected to it. At this point I had gotten used to her punishment phases. I was tired of it, and just wanted to avoid more emotional punishment and let her grill me for the next 1/2 hour about how I was pervert.

I do not need to give any more examples, they are endless.,,

I would prefer to fast forward to a 3 weeks ago. She was out of the country on a trip to see family. It was late one night. The dog woke me up; needed to pee. I went to throw some garbage out for trash pickup day–the following day. I noticed a trash bag I had not put under the dinning room table. I remembered she did some cleaning before she left. I wanted to make sure it was not garbage. I reached in to find out what was in there. I found condoms and sexual lubricants. We, or so I thought, were in a monogamous relationship. I turn her on; make her wet; and we never use condoms or lubricant. I felt my heart hit the floor. I found a receipt with a date on it. It clearly was bought after we moved in together. I began rummaging around and found some of her bank statements. Stuff I never looked at before. There were huge cash deposits into her account and bookings made a various hotels.

She has two phones and a computer. All three locked. My phone and computers are unlocked.

When I confronted her she claimed the money was from investments with people in her county she made before she met me. That the condoms, lube and hotel bookings were for a friend of hers who was having a affair. Totally ridiculous I said. Which lead to another episode of rage. This time she destroyed my HD tv in my office, tried to destroy my new phone, and attacked me with a large solid glass candle holder. I will need many months of recovery before I can eat normally again, even drinking is a problem or eating yogurt. The right side of my jaw is slightly unhinged.

I moved everything else of mine onto the patio that night. In the morning I had a friend get a U-haul. That same morning after everything was packed. I was going to give her–the key back. Somehow she became so contrite, sincere, loving and in a moment she sexually seduced me and asked me to stay. I almost said yes. I love her, but for now this is best I said. If there any hopes to work this out, I need time to work it out.

I took many days to find a new place. And I slept in the truck one night. Now I have an apartment. But, I am so lonely, broken and confused I cannot sleep at night. I am wondering why I miss her. There are very few good times to recall. What is wrong with me. I was never like this before.

I am still talking to her. That is probably the problem, for some stupid reason my love has not faded away and I am clinging to a false-hope.

T.R.

Reply
    Z October 19, 2016

    @ T.R. Bro you got to leave before she destroys you. It can never work with a narcissist. You can’t win. Save yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
      F. Zahra March 17, 2017

      absolutely right ! but it’s hard when love and chemistry are involved… I met my narcissistic dream lover for 2 days, fell in love, everything was intense, and all of a sudden a totally different person… then I called him asking to take me to hospital, I was in his town where I know nobody, and still he kept his silent treatment till 10 days are gone, then he called to say he’s drunk because of me and that he forces himself not to talk to me in order to punish me !!! it’s absurd when such reactions come from someone highly educated and highly ranked in the society.

      Reply
Shoshannah June 14, 2015

Great article.

First time he did it, he withdrew for 2 months. But he had a good excuse (divorce), also he proposed to me (in our first conversation after two months of silent treatment!), so I accepted his apologies. Things were fine for a few months, although I have noticed that the silent treatment is his response to any problem that may appear (any fight, any complaint etc.). That made me thinking about his first silent treatment… I started to doubt whether his divorce wasn’t just an excuse (I mean, he really got divorced, but I guess he could have contacted me anyway, getting divorce does not prevent you from using your telephone). And then… a fight and here we are – a silent treatment again. This time I said enough! 🙂 I tried to contact him a few times, but he refused to see me, so I wrote a goodbye email. Of course, no reply to my – really nice – email. Silence. I guess he will be back (despite of my email), but now the doors is closed. I’m healing. Feels good.

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Kim Hollands March 5, 2015

FANTASTIC!
Kim, you have opened a pathway for me that I had only just been able to barely squeeze through, that I shall now, broad shouldered as I once was, fjord squarely with head held high, for so sure of myself I once was I thought it must surely be me who was the narcissist but was corrected by one who said ” that you even think that proves you are not” and now I understand why. My accomplishments in my 52yrs leave a lot of my youngers in disbelief from “there’s not enough time for you to have done all that” to “why does your story have to be not just better but ten times better, who are you?”
I am Kim….also, born in Hong Kong of British/Portugese parents, travelled all my life working for companies that pretty much pay my way. U.S. Navy 7yrs, Lufthansa Airlines 11yrs, and ex-Pat construction 20yrs. My Narc met me, introduced herself to me while I was sitting at a table drinking with Andy, bass player for Molly Hatchet in 2000. For fun I’m a drummer, also was the goalie for Lufthansa’s U.S. Soccer Team for 11 yrs and was Sergeant at arms for an MC (motorcycle club) the U.S. Military Vets MC when we met in 2000. owned my house with a Triumph 900 motorcycle, a 944 Porsche and a 2000 Monte Carlo. When Linda left me on May 6th 2014, the day I injured my back in a construction accident, I was renting a house, drove an 04 Jetta which the finance company was looking for, was cleaning the house, all the laundry, cooked all the meals, even made her lunch every evening with a smiley face and “I love you” written on the bag, If we had steak or meat I would cut it up into little bites so she wouldn’t have to use those plastic knives. Slice up a Honeycrisp apple with caramel dip and pay all the bills and utilities. she paid for her last car (04 Honda accord, her getaway vehicle no doubt) and insurance with her 12 year job as receiving manager at Target. For the first 12 yrs of our relationship I worked out of town so she had the house and my checkbook and vehicles, my company would fly her out to me for vacations as I worked on projects such as the Atlantis Resort in Bahamas, City Center in Las Vegas ect. Linda, at 43, had never left the country so I made sure she saw Paris and Athens, Santorini and Eleuthra.
She turned me into a servant, quit the soccer, quit the band, quit the motorcycle club. I was the original “Bad Boy”, 6ft 205lbs of fighting tough and when she left me I was a 280lb Puss begging her not to leave me. This story is intense Kim, every bell and whistle that your articles have mentioned are in it. She was playboy material and sex was definately exploited. I got used in a big way. My lifesaver is that we made many videos, quality videos that I was sure was real lovemaking, I looked at the kisses, she gave what she got in the beginning but I have a real Narcissists video documentation of how throughout the years she became the dominant controller. Knew what I loved and used it in Academy Award style. I would have sooner believed there were Hobbits on my lawn than a person like this existed. After she left me my ex Fiancee (who also has great personality qualities) found out and contacted me, well Linda’s having none of that, Lori, buisness owner and self sustaining, say’s I’m her “biggest regret” and on her “Bucket List” so Linda comes back on weekends for amazing sex totally wrecking my back, by the way, we had not had intercourse for 4 months before she left, I was permitted to “please her” but, get the picture? I was Pu##y whooped as they say, Well this does the job keeping Lori away, I’m at her mercy thinking “she’s coming back”, she told me so. Linda said ” I just need a little ‘Me’ time” so 4 months later I’m crying puddles, over-weight, balding sorry excuse for a man let alone a husband. Then Revelation! I see a posting on the internet, Toxic Arguments, Psychopath free.com! This is it, this is what’s wrong with her, she’s a borderline sociopath…..so I call her, ” Linda, I know what’s wrong, You’re a Sociopath!”……CLICK, oh yeah, that was in the next paragraph:
“whatever happens, do not let them know you are aware”. Now her kids are mad, she knows, I know she does because of the way she changes, I research. (I’m practically a clinical psychologist now) when I school, I school with a vengeance, diet, sit-ups, weight lifting while watching every video I can find and learning her bit by bit all over again. Most Southern Boys would just move on but not me, I’m going to be the first victim of an NPD to cure one, write a book, video documentation and I know her, she trusts me, she’ll tell, I know it, especially if I show her a book advance of 7 figures, I got this!. Yeah right, I just cut lose the KRACKEN! I lost everything, house, guns, cars, friends, my Mum thinks I’m a “Drama Queen”. Well there’s a lot to this story, where she went, what I did, what I’m doing and where I’m going. How far to get away? 5000miles, 8000 miles? try 12000, that’s how far I’m going. No contact since Jan 3rd. changed my numbers. making more$$ than I ever have before, 6ft 210lbs and getting my IDGAS attitude back. Destination- Perth Australia. Kim, keep up the brilliant work, I’m 52 and have one more adventure left and it’s gonna’ be a Bonzer! job offer pays twice what I’m making now! God said “Let Her Go” so did Serena Nightshade.
Thanks for all you do and to all you victims out there= You are Beautiful, it’s definately them, not You. Kim
.
PS: Kim if you need any info please let me know, this documentation is clinically textbook not to mention erotic as all get out,

Reply
    Kim Saeed March 8, 2015

    Thank you, Kim, for sharing your experiences in such detail. We really do need more stories from men regarding Narcissistic women. Feel free to submit a guest post for submission on my blog anytime. I’ve approved your comment, but I’m not sure how many people will come across it since it’s tied to a specific blog article.

    Reply
    Athila June 15, 2015

    incredible man! of course this also reminds me of my story and how every beautifull person can be obliterated by this abuse. kudos to you man and conquer them all! greets

    Reply
    Kim Saeed January 20, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing my post! <3

    Reply
Sinderella January 18, 2015

Bleeeccchhhh! Why not just ask the municipal department to return that sack of old potato peelings and moldy bread the sanitation workers took from your curb last month? Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Reply
How To Attract A Narcissistic Woman | Secret PUA Blog November 16, 2014

[…] How to Attract a Narcissist Back Into Your Life | Let Me … – Surviving Narcissistic Abuse | No Contact | Narcissists and Lying | Devalue and Discard | Love Bombing | Cognitive Dissonance | Narcissistic Supply… […]

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jk22runner November 1, 2014

Hi Kim, definitely a great read and very true.. I think the thing that can be most hurtful is losing respect for yourself and the thought of someone else losing it. Do you ever gain a narc’s respect? Even if you have it in yourself or is it wishful thinking to think they will ever respect you? I think the best answer would be to have it in yourself and not worry what they think. I guess I’m not at the point yet and still working on it.

Reply
    Kim Saeed November 2, 2014

    jk22runner,

    Thank you for reading my blog and for reaching out. That’s a very good question. Unfortunately, we never gain a Narcissist’s respect. Having respect for someone requires having a conscience in order to appreciate someone else’s attributes/personality/etc. Since Narcissist’s don’t have a conscience, they are incapable of respecting anyone. However, you are very astute in recognizing that the only person’s respect we need in life is our own 🙂

    Reply
      jk22runner November 2, 2014

      Yes, working on your own self respect can feel so hard at times especially when you can be your harshest critic. The most interesting thing I find after interacting with who I believe is a narc and reading your information as well as Melanie Evan Thomas’s recovery and healing is that I have learned I have several co-dependent tendencies, but the thing I find most confusing is that he acts as though he has cared and has a conscious. That has probably made it harder for me to do no contact. Any insight or advice when a person attempts to recognize and claim they feel bad and have a conscious although they tend to treat you disrespectfully most of the time? I find the behavior is very up and down, like a roller coaster for sure. He’s even admitted to not being sure about his morals but he loves living life to the fullest which at times feels like an attempt to get me to change my mind about certain things or other manipulative tendencies, word play. Thank you for your time and great posts it has opened my eyes to a lot of things about myself that I wouldn’t have addressed otherwise.

      Reply
      Andy January 15, 2015

      “Cluster-B’s don’t have a conscience” That is not true. I have BPD, it is cluster B. My conscience is more highly developed than 95+% of people.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed January 18, 2015

        Andy, thank you for pointing that out. I’ve gone in and changed the term within the article. I apologize…I have a habit of using the term “Cluster-B” to refer to narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths, and anti-socials.

        Reply
brokenopen July 1, 2014

The profound impact that your site has on my clarity is so appreciate. I not only feel your strength on this subject but your confidence is so inspiring. Thank You. I went no contact two weeks ago. I was on top of the world doing so too. I changed my number, my routine and my routes. I had thought about it for sometime even had a conversation with myself about it to make sure I was conditioned to finally gain myself back. I’m hurting. I dated him for 3.5 years. Omg I must have a heart muscle that was so out of shape because every round with him broke me down to smithereens. Looking back I thought I recognized a gentleman in him. Shy. Strong. Handsome. Was I wrong. After a while I realized he would be gone as soon as something would come up. I always thought of myself as a person who could read a bad guy. Even smell them coming because all monsters breathe loud and smell bad. Not him. I never have been called the names he’s called. I was winded with breathlessness. But I found myself trying to figure this out. Watching in utter disbelief as he would talk or even not talk just look at him trying so hard to read him. Nope. Nothing. His reflexes with his emotions always struck me as odd. Yet I was puzzled almost feeling like there has got to be something here (in him). His words never matched his actions. Ever. Sex, well that was all in his court. For me making love is part of bonding. Not for him sex was every now and again. Odd …I know. But I thought maybe this is how he just is.
But then he hit me. and i saw him laugh as if he was fed up you know ..couldn’t hold on to his self ..his anger and he beat me up kicked me many times punched me in my stomach almost broke my hand. And that was it for me. Changed my number and here I am. Suffering in my heart but not in my head at all. I 100% know I don’t ever want that relationship again. But my effing heart is in excruciating pain. Why?

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Maria June 24, 2014

Wonderful and so very helpful article once again. Is there a timeframe when if the silent treatment has still not ended that it is safe to believe the Narc will not be back? In the past, he used to disappear and give me the silent treatment all the time to control and avoid taking responsibility but I always would go back and beg him to talk to me again, which he always did. This last time though I finally had it with his abuse and manipulatng so instead of begging him to stop the silent treatment, instead I retaliated and sought revenge by exposing his lies to his family and friends. After that he was so angry with me and sever all ties saying that we will never, ever again have contact because I am unhealthy and a bad person. It has now been 6 months of NC for us and I clearly will not break it this time plus given what he said, I don’t expect to ever hear from him again either but all of these articles say that the Narc uses the silent treatment to gain control and manipulate us so I am often on edge wondering and fearing that I will hear from him again somehow some way. Do you think I can trust that he is finally gone forever given what he said to me and how angry he was at me? I sure hope so!

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qplourde June 20, 2014

I just discovered this blog and I just love this article. After a pretty bitter divorce, I have recently discovered that my ex-husband’s actions (and words) are extremely consistent with NPD. I never even knew this existed until I had these experiences, and had some professionals mention it to me. I’m now working towards No Contact, and trying to accept that some things are just not my fault. It’s a long tough road though and not easy. There are days when I miss the person he was, but I snap out of it when I remember that the person I miss is not real.

A funny thing about sexual attraction – he was only sexually attracted to me when I displayed sexual attraction towards him. As you can imagine, this was pretty exhausting and after awhile I did withdraw a bit. He always came after me with “You’re not sexually attracted to me any more.” And I would always have to prove myself to him, or he would threaten me. Anyways, they know what to say to get to you. He spent more time attacking my character, than my looks. I’m definitely better off.

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    Kim Saeed June 25, 2014

    Thank you so much for sharing. Yes, you are definitely better off. I’m so glad you are able to see that instead of questioning yourself. Kudos!

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      qplourde June 26, 2014

      I did question myself for quite awhile, still do sometimes, but I think I’m slowly starting to realize some things are not my fault.

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Vanessa June 19, 2014

I finally got it and haven’t faultered in no contact. It’s not hard this time. Knowing that any contact will be either insincere rubbish or a way to hurt you and that is all makes it very easy. I have had e-mails from so many different sources (all him), I have deleted and then deleted the deleted. Same with calls, just don’t answer. I have 7 messages on my phone, not going there. Waking up 4am in the morning and wailing with hurt I finally got sick of being in pain. Without them slowly chipping away at you and distracting you from your own life you have the peace, clarity and energy to move forward. In the past I use to obsess about him. Now, it’s done and it’s great. I feel for anyone still in the midst of all the confusion they cause. It is true that you start to have more respect for yourself when you refuse to accept their treatment anymore. I’ve still got a way to go but at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now.

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theshanshuprophecy June 18, 2014

I heard the “I’m no longer physically attracted to you” right after the discard, and right before he went on a third date with my replacement, while I was left sitting in the house … did I mention that I had just flown 4000km’s 11 days before to spend time with him and we spent the first 8 days having sex? He dumped me on day 9 and went on date number 1 with the replacement that night.

Nobody has ever said such a cruel and hurtful thing to me ever before .. no partner has ever shown such purposeful indifference, it was and is devastating beyond belief.

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    Kim Saeed July 29, 2014

    Thank you for sharing that…it took a lot of courage.

    I hope you realize the words he said had no real substance and were simply to make you feel badly about yourself. But, I know how painful it is when someone you love says those sorts of things. It’s like a punch in the stomach.

    I would recommend guided meditations for healing/self-esteem (Kelly Howell has some good ones), learning to release attachments, and books by Louise Hay, Wayne Dyer, and Deepak Chopra (they will help with spiritual growth). It’s important to come to the realization that you don’t need this guy’s validation and that his so-called “opinions” are really quite worthless…

    Find your beauty and worth again…for yourself.

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Anonymous June 17, 2014

I think we still miss them because some how we get off on the excitement, torture and drama of it all

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Floy June 17, 2014

Hi, Kim. Wondering if you or any followers can comment on the silent treatment if the Narc is a sibling. I went No Contact after the last round of verbal abuse before the silent treatment, when I also began to read about and understand all this. Glad to have any experience or insight from you or the community of sharers here. Thanks.

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    Kim Saeed June 21, 2014

    Floy, while I don’t have a lot of background regarding Narcissistic family members, I would imagine they use the Silent Treatment for the same reasons a romantic partner would, punishment and control. I hope that someone who reads this may be able to give you more insight…

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Susan Irene Fox June 17, 2014

You are such a light in the darkness. Bless you for every word you write, every prayer you pray, every courageous step you help others to take.

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Anonymous June 17, 2014

Thanks for all your posts, they have helped me A LOT. I am convinced that No contact is THE BEST and thanks to this page I have been more than 60 days of NC now. God bless you.

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    Kim Saeed July 16, 2014

    Wow, 60 days of No Contact! Congrats 🙂

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kimberlyharding June 17, 2014

excellent post! good reminder to embrace the future in our lives.

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happinessweekly June 17, 2014

Such a brilliant article – so insightful and so true!! Well done, Kim! :))

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ginafantsaez June 17, 2014

Your posts are keeping me strong. I woke up this morning with that heavy feeling in my chest, thinking about how much I missed waking up next to my beautiful ex. Then I checked my email and saw your post and got a slap back to reality. My ex was beautiful on the outside, but after 2 years of abuse, there were times, and many times, that I wasn’t sexually attracted to her. I didn’t find her beautiful anymore. While my mind was still addicted as I stayed in the relationship, my body had the sense not to let her touch me in the last few months of our relationship. She withheld sex in the beginning of our relationship for the reasons you described, for control, for punishment, to keep me walking on eggshells and questioning myself. I tried talking to her about it. She acted like nothing was wrong and I was crazy. One time, I wrote her a letter about it and how sad I was that we were not being intimate anymore. She never discussed the letter at all. By the end, I withdrew sexually to protect myself, never to intentionally hurt her or control her, though she did accuse me of trying to control the relationship when I stopped letting her touch me. I just didn’t feel safe AND I found that the times I did let her touch me, in my head I was thinking, “oh god, how is she going to hurt me after this? what is she going to say about me or my body to make me ashamed?”

And – My ex intentionally sabotaged my weight. When we got together, I was in the best shape of my life. She was a very talented chef and she kept baking the most delicious sweets. But after a month or so, I asked her not to make fattening foods, especially baked goods. (She is the type who can eat half a cookie while I eat 6 plus the other half of hers.) We sat down on my couch one evening and had a talk about her baking. I asked her please to stop baking cookies and cakes and scones, that she could bake at her place, but very kindly and gently I told her that it was not good for me and staying in shape was so important to me. The next morning I woke up and she was gone, but on top of my stove was a whole dozen freshly baked scones. When I confronted her later that day, she berated me because I didn’t appreciate her efforts. Then she said she didn’t bake them for me, that she was going to give them to family or friends. And this was the beginning of our relationship and I just let it pass thinking, no one would be this passive aggressive, right? I would naively tell myself, “she didn’t mean anything by it.”

But that was just one of MANY passive aggressive ways she tried to sabotage me. I asked her countless times not to bring chocolate to bed, but she didn’t stop. She would buy my favorite chocolate candies and sit in bed watching TV eating them in front of me. Inevitably, I could not resist the damn chocolates and started eating them with her. I look back and get so angry at myself. Why didn’t I draw a boundary? Why didn’t I get angry and see what she was doing?

She is an alcoholic and she asked me ONE TIME to please not leave open wine bottles out where she could see them. In 2 years, I never ever left any kind of alcohol where she could see it. I even moved any alcohol in my home to another building on my property. Her sobriety and her boundaries mattered to me. Not only did my boundaries not matter, but she intentionally tried to hurt me. It took me 2 years to accept that it was all intentional. That is the hardest thing for me to wrap my brain around. Who intentionally hurts people like that? Why? That is THE hardest thing for me to accept.

So, I did start gaining weight as we dated and she must have been overjoyed as I struggled. One night, we were in Belize on a private island for her birthday. We were having dinner on a private beach being serenaded by a classical guitarist, and I turned to her and asked for her help. I asked her “please when we get home, I need to go back to eating leaner foods. Please help me do that.” She got this evil twinge in her eye and said, “You’re on your own with that!” – I mean, I had flown her to Belize, arranged the most romantic trip that she destroyed. But, over 2 years, traveling the world, she destroyed every trip.

Belize was towards the end of our relationship and I did get up and leave the table and go back to the room where she tried to seduce me. She never apologized. That was her M.O., if ever I got upset by something she’d do to hurt me, then she’d try to seduce me. It worked at the beginning of our relationship, but by the end, I really did not want her to touch me.

Also, by that point, any time we did connect sexually, she’d sabotage that too. She said some of the most hurtful things in bed. I went from a confident, bold lover to the most terrified, self conscious, stressed child in bed. She even admitted one time when I confronted her about something mean she said in bed. In tears, she admitted that she hated my confidence in bed and wanted to “tear me down”. She admitted it and I still stayed.

So, how in the universe would I wake up and miss her today? And these incidents above barely scratches the surface of the 2 years of emotional torture. And yet, I miss her. The good times were not even that good. We never really had a honeymoon period at all. We never had one nice holiday or birthday or vacation. She sabotaged or raged through them all. And, why and how could I possibly miss her?

I’m on my 2nd week of No Contact and I do think this is my last time, in large part, thanks to you Kim. And also thanks to so many helpful books I’ve been reading and my friend’s love and support.

So, sorry to ramble. but thank you Kim! Great timely post for me today!!!

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    Anonymous March 28, 2015

    You sound lovely. Continue being full of love. My girlfriend was quite similar. ..but I stayed for 11years! Be well. Alycia

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    Athila June 15, 2015

    Nice to see this from a male standpoint, reminds me a lot what happened to me. it’s horrifying…

    thanks for your testimony, and keep on keeping on!

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Morgan June 17, 2014

Very Very True!!

Blessings for a Sweet Today and Harmonious Tomorrow ~

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18mitzvot June 17, 2014

Kim, you made a very astute observation that trauma bonding, low self-esteem, and magical thinking keep a target going back for more abuse. Magical thinking is a big problem for me, the belief that we are mystical soulmates or twin flames. The narcissist certainly doesn’t feel this way. I am completely disposable and replaceable to him. The proof is in tbe silent treatment. Loving partners don’t do that. Thank you for another great post.

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