Are People Glad They Divorced a Narcissist?

By Kim Saeed | Maintaining No Contact

Jun 21
Glad to divorce a narcissist

I must confess I’m glad that people are considering severing the ties with their emotional abuser.  You do not deserve to be treated with disrespect, scorn, nor in condescending ways, whether or not your partner is a Narcissist.  I say this because it seems to be a deciding factor in whether one explores separation and/or divorce.  Not to say I’m a big proponent of divorce, but when one has endured the equivalent of psychological murder, then it’s time to explore other options in life.

While I am not able to diagnose someone with NPD, I can inform clients and followers whether their partner is behaving in ways that are indicative of Narcissism.  Further, there are varying levels of Narcissism, ranging from the healthy kind (which we all possess), up to full-blown.

Most people with full-blown NPD will never be diagnosed, even if they see a therapist.

Back to the question at hand…are people glad they divorced a Narcissist?  Typically, not in the beginning.  As with the end of any relationship, one has to process the emotions of denial, grief, and acceptance.  Sadly, a lot of people stop at grief when it comes to divorcing a Narcissist.  Why?  Their psyche has been traumatized.  There’s no closure, their self-esteem is gone, and they believe there’s no hope in life, much less hope for another partner.  Then, on top of losing their homes, careers, or even their children, they have to deal with the Narcissist harassing them through the court system.

On one hand, they miss the Narcissist so much they can barely function, but on the other, being the recipient of the Narcissist’s never-ending revenge campaign is like living with a Mafia hit on them.

The fact is, left unchecked, the Narcissist’s rage will be as fresh five or ten years down the road as when their supply first fell off the pedestal.  Many people are too afraid to file for divorce, terrified of what the Narcissist might do.  Others experience the alternative, where the Narcissist files for divorce in the same manner as picking up the newspaper…without a second thought.

If you are considering divorcing your Narcissist, have filed and are now experiencing the violent backlash–or your partner filed for divorce and made you feel invisible–this information may seem enough to keep you rooted in the relationship or believe your circumstances will never improve…

But, the thing to keep in mind is, moving past these experiences and doing the self-work that’s so necessary to heal from this type of abuse can be one’s saving grace.  It’s what makes the difference between someone who divorced a Narcissist and hasn’t healed six, eight, or ten years down the road, and another who has healed after a year or two and is happier than they’ve been in their entire life.

So, what are the main differences between people that never seem to heal vs. people who do?  Why do some people seem to be happy after having gone through the special variety of Narc Hell, while others end up with medical conditions?

I’ll share a few examples.  Keep in mind this isn’t an exhaustive list, but simply for demonstrative purposes.

People Who Never Seem to Heal:

  • Spend all their spare time researching Narcissism, although a year has passed – While it’s very important to educate ourselves about Narcissism, especially in the beginning, there comes a time when it actually works against us.  The reality is, no amount of knowledge will change what happened and further, such knowledge won’t heal us.  It helps us make cognitive sense of what happened, but it won’t do anything to heal our emotional wounds.  In fact, focusing on Narcissism after a year or so has passed will only continue to trigger memories of abuse.
  • Don’t wean themselves off of the forums – At the start, it’s crucial to find people to interact with who understand what we went through, but again, there comes a time when a form of mass hysteria kicks in and it becomes a festival of negativity, especially when a Narcissist finds a way to infiltrate the forum and causes additional harm.  Find out what you need to know, and then make the commitment to stop.
  • Stick with a therapist who isn’t really helpful – A large percentage of therapists out there have very little applicable experience with Narcissism, much less how to help victims of it.  If you’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of years and you haven’t made progress, find another one.
  • Believe therapy will help save their relationship with a narcissist.  If your Narcissistic partner fools all the therapists you visit together, ditch the couple’s therapy, find your own individual therapist, and start exploring separation or divorce.
  • Never practice self-inquiry or self-healing – Or if they do, it’s once or twice and then they stop.  In order to heal from this type of abuse, it’s crucial to explore different healing methods.  When you find those that work, stick with them and practice them consistently.

People Who Are Glad to Divorce a Narcissist and Heal:

  • Learn what they need to about Narcissism, but then turn their attention onto their recovery.
  • After discovering what happened, and after having vented for several months, they start spending time exploring healing methods…consistently.
  • Practice self-inquiry and are open-minded to trying different healing modalities.
  • Once finding healing methods that work, they incorporate them into their daily lives.
  • Don’t repress their emotions, usually journaling them in order to work through them.

As you can see, it takes a conscious commitment to not only heal, but also to celebrate having divorced a Narcissist. Perhaps the darkness was meant as a catalyst for you to learn, grow, and experience the freedom of self-love and true joy, but you can only get there if you commit to it.

Copyright 2014 Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach

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(7) comments

Gabrielle June 23, 2014

Are forums the same as blogs? I don’t really want to stop reading them. They are the only thing keeping me sane after the insanity of narcissism

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 23, 2014

    Gabrielle,

    You just have to use your best judgement. Most blogs contain helpful information that will help you understand Narcissism. Forums are like chat rooms where victims discuss their experiences. That’s a good thing in the beginning, but after a considerable amount of time has passed, it’s best to avoid them because they will often trigger bad memories, and because of that, will prevent you from healing properly.

    Reply
idiotwriter June 22, 2014

Another excellent post Kim. Love your point about moving on from knowing all about narcissism once the break has been made. Does that mean I cant come read here though!? – just kidding! –
I draw a lot from your site – (as I said before) – reminds me of many things – to keep working at trying to inspire others to MOVE forward and seeking out our truest place of peace!…Basically – it JUST inspires me to ‘give back’ I guess 😉
The fact that you are able to keep ‘dealing with’ narc info after the fact…shows how much work you have put into healing your soul. So cool.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 23, 2014

    IW,

    LOL…I was really referring to the forums where victims go and seem to go deeper and deeper into darkness. It’s good for the first couple of months in order to compare notes with other people who’ve gone through it, but a lot of people set up permanent camp there and never heal.

    Thank you so much for your encouraging words, again 🙂 It’s my hope that since I have healed from my experience that I can help others do the same…As an Empath, I do tend to absorb others’ pain, though, so I have to take a small retreat on occasion. I’ve been doing that more since my coaching practice has picked up. It’s all part of being a Lightworker, I guess 🙂 It’s my divine purpose <3

    So good to see you here, as usual…

    Reply
      idiotwriter June 24, 2014

      LOL! I know 😉 (I understand the need to clarify though 😉 )

      That’s so cool Kim! I LOVE that term ‘Lightwroker’ – and DO relate to the stepping back a bit. VERY important.

      I am thrilled about this coaching you are doing – I wish you for all the light of the universe to shine upon you as you do it.
      Bless you – it is – it CAN ONLY be a divine purpose. <3

      And it is a pleasure ~

      Reply
Sunshine June 22, 2014

Insightful post as usual my dear! And yes, healing is the most important step in the process.

Reply
Just Me With . . . June 21, 2014

I used to read a lot of books, spent time in forums. Now I usually only check in when something is happening so that I’m not subject to gaslighting. I need to confirm that what the narcissist is doing is typical behavior. Except I do spend a fair amount of time on this topic on WordPress. I do it because I find that when I’m dealing with divorce related stuff the divorce sites and forums are completely useless. They assume that the spouse has empathy and they assume that more contact between the exes is better or the goal. Necessary communication is completely different than contact. Anyway, I also read a lot about different practical things people do to feel better generally. That helps.

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