But He Says He Still Loves Me…

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Jul 17

 

(**Warning – Trigger alert)

When he looks at you (perhaps adoringly, for effect) and says he still loves you, “in spite of your downward social status, unstable mental capacity, and the fact that you only care about money”, it’s a lie.

That’s not to say you’re unlovable, or that what he said is true. It simply means HE doesn’t love you. A person in love doesn’t make this declaration while telling you all the reasons why he shouldn’t love you.  That is covert abuse.

On the flip side, if he thinks you’re serious about leaving he may leave out the character attack and simply claim to love you. You know, the whole ‘he’s come to realize his mistakes, promises to take responsibility, and vows to change’.

How many times did he do this before, only to forget the whole episode as though it never happened (perhaps adding that he didn’t mean it)?

Narcissistic and psychopathic abusers are very capable of making statements such as:

  • I love you.
  • I just want you to be happy.
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • The last thing I want is to hurt you.
  • We’re meant for each other.
  • You’ll never find someone like me.

These are statements they’ve experimented with and observed to be most effective.

Narcissists know exactly what you want to hear and how to say it because they’ve perfected their act during their time with you.   However, you’ll notice the declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things they say and do.  The authentic relationship you believe you have is only an illusion.  The reality is that it’s a relationship based on inequality because they will never see you as an equal, but someone to dominate.

What you’ll never get from you abusive partner are qualities such as true companionship, intimacy, validation, or goodwill, which are all examples of a true, loving bond.  Instead you will get competition, manipulation, control, invalidation, and hostility.

When the Narcissist says, “I love you”, he means he still has use for you; he still wants to control you.

If you experience any of the following, you are in an abusive relationship and should consider leaving:

 

Character Attacks

A tactic used to make you eventually believe the bad things he says about you.  He wants you to stop having faith in yourself. (See paragraph one).  Statements such as, “You’re impossible to talk to”, “You always twist things around”, “You exaggerate everything” (These statements are made by the Narcissist when you try to have a civil conversation in order to relieve himself of having to consider your perspective.  Alternately, targets of verbal abuse may make these statements in moments of frustration; two different things).

The Narcissist will often also add other comments such as, “You’re too damned sensitive”, “You’re such a cry baby”.

They are masters at making you seem like the unstable one…which is simply an effect from the constant psychological conditioning, gas-lighting, and blame-shifting.  Have you started to think maybe he’s right…perhaps you are coming off at the hinges?  This means his mind control is working.

Undermining

Does he squash your curiosity and enthusiasm during conversations with condescending comments such as, “You wouldn’t understand”?  Does he ambush your ideas by highlighting all the ways in which they might fail?  Does he refuse to allow you much-needed time alone?

Trivializing

Does he belittle what you say?  Dismiss your feelings or accomplishments?  Insult you when you express pride in your own abilities?  Does he act as if your career is no big deal?

Name-calling

Does he call you demeaning names such as:  Fat*ss, C*nt, Ugly, Loser, Wh*re, Trash, Idiot, Stupid, Dumb*ss, etc?

On the flip-side, does he call you “pet” names with extreme sarcasm, “Honey”…in an exaggerated, drawn out manner and in a louder voice?

Does he call you names and then claim he was kidding, in a “convincing” manner?

Refusal to discuss his feelings

He comes home in an irritable mood and you ask him what’s wrong. His immediate response may be something like, “What is it with you??  Can’t I come home without being interviewed every single time??

The reason he does this is because he doesn’t feel you deserve any explanations.  In his mind, your place is to shut up and leave him alone.  His goal is that you will eventually accept his abuse without saying anything about it.

It’s also possible that he’s fabricating a fight so he can give you the Silent Treatment while he schmoozes the secret supply source he’s working on.

Refusal to discuss your feelings

You tell him you’d like to have a discussion about how things are going and he says, “Oh God.  Here we go again”, “You’re always trying to start a fight”, “You never leave me alone, do you?”

Part of a truly loving relationship is the ability to communicate openly and diplomatically.  The Narcissist’s goal is to shut down any attempts at communication because he simply doesn’t care about your feelings, with the exception of using them to his own advantage.  If he can successfully humiliate you and make you feel that your feelings aren’t important, he succeeds in making you feel shunned and ostracized, two tactics which have devastating effects on a person’s sense of self.

Left you for someone else, and playing the “Torn between two lovers” act

Did your Narcissist put on a convincing show of how you forced him into the arms of another lover, and then pretend he’s so “addicted” to you that he can’t leave you alone?

Reality – He may not have the new supply hooked yet, or perhaps he’s discovered that triangulation results in copius amounts of narcissistic supply.  Therefore, while he’s with her, he’s giving her all his best:  Love-bombing, awesome sex, fancy trips, gifts, introducing her to his circle of friends.  That’s right.  Though he has you believing he’s still hooked on you, he’s telling everyone he knows that it’s over between the two of you and slowly infiltrating the new supply.  Once he has her emotionally addicted to him, you’ll be discarded, perhaps becoming the other woman.  After all, he has to have someone to release his toxicity onto…and since you’ve always been the “reliable receptacle”, he comes back to you when he’s feeling especially cranky.

It Won’t Get Better

If your partner has been treating you this way, it’s a classic sign of abusive, psychological conditioning. Narcissists stop at nothing in order to win. They never give up – they are relentless. They will drive you to the point of insanity (and the brink of suicide) if you let them. Don’t hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel with your abusive partner because it will only get darker as you go along.

One of the obstacles to recognizing chronic mistreatment in relationships is that most abusive men simply don’t seem like abusers. They have many good qualities, including times of kindness, warmth, and humor, especially in the early period of a relationship. An abuser’s friends may think the world of him. He may have a successful work life and have no problems with drugs or alcohol. He may simply not fit anyone’s image of a cruel or intimidating person. So when a woman feels her relationship spinning out of control, it is unlikely to occur to her that her partner is an abuser.”
~ Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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(18) comments

kate June 16, 2017

He called me “Darling” with such contempt that I now despise the word.

Reply
tvjackiem January 2, 2016

Narcissists are reptiles, they have no capacity for empathy. A snake can’t love because it’s a reptile. They only love what they can take from you. Narcissists don’t even love their own mother or children. They are incapable.

Reply
Stephen Bach August 6, 2014

Great post, Kim!

I have definitely found that, in my experience, the word ‘love’ is bantered around as a means to manipulate. Most uses of the word ‘love’ are part of splitting statements:

“I only tell you how screwed up you are because I love you and I want what’s best for you”

– meaning –

“With my superior intellect, I can tell what is wrong with you, even if you can’t, and I’m gracious enough (‘love’ you enough) to share my superior perception with you and point your flaws out to you. You should worship me for being gracious enough to share my superior wisdom with you”.

It’s truthfully coming from a place of grandiosity, not love. Love means accepting someone for who they are. Love means supporting someone when they want to change. Love means respect. None of these are present.

My last NxGF, during her smear campaign after I ended our relationship because of her cheating, sent messages to all my friends that I was a “lying, cheating, emotional abuser (whom I love very much)”. It was a wonderful example of a splitting statement. It also was an example of her projecting her issues onto me and then telling everyone she could think of how horrible I was. The truth is that all the issues she assigning to me were hers.

Stephen Bach

Reply
secretangel July 20, 2014

So true! Thanks for all that you do to help victims of abuse!

Reply
Overwhelmed July 19, 2014

I am so overwhelmed reading all of this. It’s like the last two years of my life exist in every sentence. When I recently found out he was seeing another woman (just one of I suspect 8 in the last 2 years), he started off the conversation by telling me that I have trust issues and am extremely insecure. Then wanted to know what proof I had. It was a fact finding mission. He just wanted to know so he could improve his predatory scheme. I work with him, very closely and I am so afraid of what our work environment will be like. Nobody knows we were seeing each other because it’s against company policy. He will want to destroy me now that he can’t use me. I almost feel like I need to keep up some kind of charade because I am afraid of him.

Reply
Cheryl Henson July 18, 2014

This is Joe.

cheryl

Reply
Constance July 18, 2014

I can’t forget that any discussion or argument (big or small) usually meant the end of the relationship! We have to communicate? Oh, well this must be over then! “You’re such a fucking bitch.” – that was his favorite. I remember asking him if his parents ever argued. If he realized that people can argue and it doesn’t mean they break up. It was insane. It didn’t even have to be an argument, a difference of opinion would elicit the same response.

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 18, 2014

    Constance, I remember that chaos…thinking every argument was the end. My Ex literally packed his suitcases and left each time…then came waltzing back as if nothing happened. I finally got to the point where I took the initiative to pack his suitcases for him 🙂

    Reply
Leslie July 17, 2014

All of ur comments here hit home and describe ex husband and the experiences I had with him. The abuse continued bc we have a son. Said son has learned bad habits from his father. Now I know the abuse and I’m stronger and am more confident. I quote scripture!! Gotta love that double edge sword.

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2014

    Thanks for sharing, Leslie! Glad you’re in a better place now 🙂

    Reply
Healing July 17, 2014

Thanks, Kim. 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2014

    Sure! 😀

    Reply
Healing July 17, 2014

Kim, Please clarify this…you say that Narcissists and Psychopaths make such statements: “You’re impossible to talk to”, “You always twist things around”, “You exaggerate everything”. These three are statements that victims may make to their abusers because they are true statements Whereas the Narc/Psycho is saying them because he/she is just projecting their own actions onto the scapegoat victim. However, whenever I read stuff like that I remember that the older, unhealed me would have read those statements and thought that I was also an abuser because I would often say those things to my ex while trying to defend myself and have a ‘normal’ conversation with him (yeah, way back when I thought that was possible.) 😉 Anyhow, then I would go on to blame myself even more. I would hate to think of someone in that place that I was reading this article and chastising themselves for saying any of these three things as I think they are common ways to feel think when dealing with a narc. The other two sound specific just to the narc/psycho and not the victim. I was hoping you could comment on the difference between the narc saying it and the victim saying those three statements….or do you think even victims should not say those things and that they are abusive all own their own? When it comes to a narc/psycho, I simply see them as truth. My mother would always turn to me after another bout of trying to talk sense to my ex and say, “He’s impossible to talk to! I couldn’t get a word in edgewise!” I never thought of her being abusive…just simply stating the facts that this man TRULY was and is IMPOSSIBLE. There is NOTHING that can be said to him that would ever turn a conversation into a ‘normal’ one. Would love to hear your thoughts…

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2014

    Thank you for pointing that out, Healing. I’ve made some modifications…

    Reply
Michelle July 17, 2014

Thank you so much for this, my ex narc and I are headed to court soon regarding custody of our daughter and he has started again with how he loves me and hopes we can be friends again. How senseless court is and is trying to convince me how we always worked our problems out before (more like I gave in before). My mind knows what he is doing by of course my heart wants to believe his words are true. These articles are a great reminder of what I logically already know but don’t want to believe. Thanks 🙂

Reply
    Kim Saeed July 17, 2014

    Michelle, I know how you feel as I have been in your shoes many times. They often do get friendly right before court, unless of course you’ve had to file a restraining order 😉

    Reply

[…] verbally abused and humiliated.  I am confused because in spite of his aggressive behaviors he says he loves me.  Do you think it’s possible that he really does love me and that I just need to give him more […]

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