6 Steps to Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse (#1 is the most important!)

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Aug 27
healing after narcissistic abuse

Have you been sitting around, asking yourself the following questions?

“Why does it take so long to heal from this heartache?”, “Why can’t I stop thinking about the person who treated me like crap?”, “Why do I still love him/her after what they did to me?”, “Will this pain ever go away?”

Obsessing over an emotionally abusive relationship is draining, and often so detrimental that many lose their jobs, homes, and even their children.  In severe cases, suicide is attempted and sometimes successfully carried out.

There are many elements involved in healing from Narcissistic abuse.  Just as with any loss, there will be periods of grieving, denial, anger, and depression.  However, unlike a typical break-up where you would eventually get to a point of acceptance, many victims of Narcissistic abuse stay fixated and obsess about their abuser, often suffering as long as ten years or more post-breakup.

Why does this happen and what can you do to heal from an emotionally abusive relationship?  Following are the top six tips for getting over Narcissistic abuse.

  • Learn grounding techniques and self-soothing methods

The secret sauce that you won’t find in most articles regarding healing is the importance of learning to ground yourself – a.k.a. self-soothing.  Whether you do this is a good indicator of whether or not you will truly begin to heal.

Narcissistic abuse is an emotional trauma.  It targets your primal abandonment wound.  When you feel betrayed, rejected, and abandoned by the Narcissist, your amygdala hijacks your rational thinking and sends you into fight-or-flight mode.  You have a thought (I’ve been rejected because I’m not good enough), you experience an emotion from that thought (panic, sadness, depression), and then you run with it like a Running Back on crack with blinders on.

Yeah…you’ll want to stop doing that.

There’s not a lot you can do to prevent this from happening completely, but practicing self-soothing methods and grounding techniques will help damper this emotional hijack if repeated consistently. The best techniques are the same ones used to help with PTSD triggers and emotional trauma.

Learning to self-soothe is the critical first step because otherwise, any activities you engage in to heal and move forward will be drained away by the emotional hijacking caused by your amygdala.

  • Allow yourself to grieve and be angry

Many victims of narcissistic abuse have the false perception that since their partner was a fraud and the relationship was one-sided, that they shouldn’t allow themselves to grieve or vent their anger. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Not allowing yourself to process these feelings often leads to detrimental outcomes at a later point in time, such as getting stuck in emotional, and/or spiritual levels of bereavement.  This typically manifests in symptoms such as:

  1. Staying stuck in a sad, angry, or depressive state, or often feeling emotionless
  2. Signs of suppressed anger
  3. Prolonged exhaustion, depression, or indifference
  4. One or more addictions
  5. Repeated avoidances
  6. Some type of chronic pain or illness
  7. Obesity and/or eating disorders
  • Seek professional help if you believe you may suffer from any form of psychological neurosis, such as complicated grief

Complicated grief is a severe and long-lasting form of grief that takes over one’s life. This is very common in the aftermath of abusive relationships because victims never get the validation they wished for, nor do they get a sense of closure.  

Following the end of an abusive relationship, a lot of business is left unfinished, including unsettled disputes, discrediting of your character, questions unanswered, and unrequited love. You’re left hanging, unable to complete your relationship with your abuser and feeling stuck in the pain of your grief.

What makes this type of grief so excruciating is that you must grieve twice – once for the person who love-bombed you and for whom you fought to bring back amidst soul-shattering abuse, and you also grieve the end of the relationship.

If you believe you might be suffering from complicated grief, please seek the services of a licensed therapist who specializes in emotional abuse/trauma.  It may be necessary to go on medication, but inquire about non-addictive ones that you can use on your most difficult days.

(Please note – complicated grief used to be attributed strictly to bereavement, but medical professionals now agree that it can apply to any type of traumatic loss).

  • Make sure you’ve implemented No Contact in its true form

Many victims of Narcissistic abuse prolong their suffering by leaving a window open in the event their toxic Ex decides to reach out. Across the forums and chat rooms, countless victims describe how they’ve been “No Contact” for such-and-such amount of time, but then receive a call or email from their Ex.  If the Narcissist has a way in, then No Contact hasn’t been properly executed.  This is the primary cause of not being able to heal, because as long as your abuser has a way in, true healing cannot take place.  Once the Narcissist successfully reaches out and provokes a response, you’re back in the thick of the abuse.  (If children are involved, a very strict plan for modified contact should be legally documented, entered, and enforced).

Remember, narcissists are smug in their belief that you will surrender to their manipulations.  Not going No Contact only strengthens their feelings of entitlement and perceived power.  

  • Stop researching Narcissism 24/7

During the phase of discovery, educating yourself about Narcissism is essential in understanding the traits of the disorder and helps you recognize the dynamics of abusive relationships. However, when it’s time to truly heal, your focus should then turn to healing methods and self-care.

Constant research on the traits of your disordered Ex keeps your focus on them, not on you or your recovery.  Remember the old saying, “What fires together, wires together”?  Each time you repeat a particular thought or action, you reinforce the connection between your neurons, turning those thoughts into a way of life, and thus influencing your day-to-day reality.  Implementing self-care patterns that are positive and healthy may be difficult at first, but with practice, they too will become habitual, and will help you recover faster.

  • Work on your self-esteem

The number one, most important thing to realize is that the perceived rejection from your abuser is an illusion. Their primary goal is to make you feel invalidated, invisible.  What that means is that even if they secretly think you’re attractive, successful, fun to be around, or the best partner they’ve ever had, they will NEVER admit to it, unless they are trying to keep you in the queue.

Narcissists strive to take away every last shred of your self-esteem because that’s how they keep you hooked…to keep you thinking, “I am damaged goods.  Better to have someone who treats me like crap than no one at all”.  Remember, most of what comes out of their mouth is a lie, including the negative things they say about you.

Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

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(117) comments

Bonnie August 31, 2017

This was excatly what I have been needing. I feel like after this debut reading of the high points I will pursue this path to a recovery where I was falling deeper and deeper into a pit. Just one day ago I was in contact with my ex for over 25 years and he nailed me again. I sat in silanece listening on the other end of the phone as the words haled my way, “don’t you have a life?, you know you need some serious help?, you need medication!, you are not in touch with reality!, you are stupid and you have no job now!. F you!.” As these words hit me once more and I refused to stunningly not reply, “what did I do?, why would you say these things of me?” I realized I was allowing once again for the ex to enter into my self esteem and now for two days have none functional thinking I am worthless enough not to carry on. On a schedule of about every 2-4 days I run into thinking I must call ex and talk. When I do I end up feeling guilty about his emotions, he tells me how messed up I am, and calls me profanity names in front of our 24 year old son like he has been doing for 24 years. I suppose I have vented enough. One more thing I did experience a Post experience all over again last week when he did something again to me “hitting below the belt”. He threatens to distort my children’s lives or Detroit something I love to get what he wants. Always has used my son for that. Anyway. Signing off and thanks for the brief help to guide me on the right path
Bonnie

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Athena August 19, 2017

Hello I’m glad to of found this website, I have come out of a 2 year relationship with a N. I felt like I never met his expectations and he always had these boxes that needed to be ticked for him to move in with me and be a family with my daughter from another relationship. He was always telling me wat I should be doing as it would be the “correct” way. He always wanted me to listen to him, value and appreciate when I felt he did neither of them for me. He was slowly making me resent him and I felt it was one sided. I had to end it but I feel so let down and I never really got a apology from him and he made me feel like I was the one that had to change to make the relationship get more serious whilst he never worked and used to sleep in every time he stayed over.

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    Kim Saeed August 21, 2017

    Hi Athena,

    It sounds like you tried, but he was emotionally available from the start. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we plan. And sometimes that’s the best thing that can happen to us.

    You don’t need his apology. Trying to make someone else be a decent and accountable human being often keeps us trapped. If he were to apologize, that would mean he was at fault, and he would probably never admit to that.

    Sounds to me like ending things was THE best thing you could do for you and your child.

    Kim

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CHARMAINEJAY August 10, 2017

Moving on from a narcissistic partner is possible but moving on from a narcissistic mother is not so easy, personally I am not sure if it’s at all possible due to the life long emotional black mail the “when I am gone” “you will regret it” mentality. They speak lies and twist your every single word and action. They find a listening ear and seek to destroy your reputation bit by bit and all because you decided not to allow the abuse anymore, to speak out to call out her constant twisted reality, I swear if her golden child murdered someone in cold blood, she would refuse to believe it, she would make excuses for her/them. We have many friends in common well did have, she’s burnt all her bridges one by one, she has to flee further afield to search for new supply but the word is spreading, only those who want to believe her are a problem, her minions, her flying monkeys. She is going to end up very lonely because of her unbreakable pride and evil tongue. He refusal to accept her deliberate, twisted, Selfish, mistakes. There is so much more to say on this subject as anyone who is suffering narcissistic abuse will agree. It’s a lonely place to be.

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Anouska August 8, 2017

Can I just to that my ex N is now a porno actor. Somethings he s being doing until 2016(as far as I now know) and only 2 months after the brake up while I am still getting my head around what felt like a tornado, and the light finally went on. To say it destroyed me on multiple level is a given we all know that. I think he really excelled as N. I wander if there s a correlation between N and porno addiction as he seamed to really engage through scenarios or swinging.i m sleeping with every man under the sun. Just feel better about my self. And it doesn’t work. The feeling I was never going to be good enough to start with leaves me numb. Ironically I was the one suggesting an open relationship when he wanted a committed one…but of course I was free to sleep with other men.. WTF. so it s that. Nope he insisted he considered us a committed couple after only 6weeks togheter. Only an idiot would pass on a open relationship. But he had other plans.. To crushed other souls. Ironically I am becoming more selfish. I begin to enjoy others pain. Fetish is great for the that. Since you can t hit him, you get a consenting man.what really annoys me is the lies after lies just like a kid and u want to shake him and say.,i know u lieng for God sake. We all know

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[…] 6 Steps to Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse (#1 is the most important!) […]

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Gable July 20, 2017

Yes, I felt like I was going to die when my H of 27 years and I separated. It was the end of the line for me when I found out that he had been having a cyber affair with his old high school girlfriend for the past eight years of our marriage. There is a lot more to the story but that isn’t important, what is, is the fact that I am slowly healing. I hear all of you and know what pain you feel, so I want to share what has helped. First of all, I remind myself that all feelings are temporary. Just because today is a very bad day tomorrow may not be. Keep a journal, you’ll see this is true. Second, not all men are bad. My H was incredibly hurtful but there are other men who want what I want. Third, Yoga! It helps settle the mind and work the body. Fourth, quit blaming yourself. They are really great Fakers, it’s not your fault. Fourth, what do I want? I spent so much time trying to make everyone else happy, what will make me happy? Fifth, get out there, join a support group, take a class, join a meetup, just get out. Seventh, learn to fake it. If your ex is in the same room (not always avoidable when you have children) Stand up straight and ignore them. If they try to start a conversation, tell them you are doing great and then excuse yourself. Eight, learn to love yourself after all is said and done, there is something very worthwhile or they would not have gone after you. Nine, here is the hardest one. Learn to forgive, not for them. But for you. I don’t want to live my life feeling bitter. That doesn’t mean let them back into your life, just recognize that they are broken and it isn’t your job to fix them or to make them suffer. My guess is that they are suffering.

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    Mark August 8, 2017

    Gable – I really enjoyed reading your comment. It helped me think about moving on from the end of my marriage in a healthier way.

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    Kim Saeed August 10, 2017

    What a beautiful and empowering comment. Thanks for sharing, Gable.

    Kim XoXo

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beverly skinner June 14, 2017

Thank goodness i found this site! After being married for almost 3 yrs, i now realize i was married to a N. He kept his mask on for the first part of the marriage, but he fully took it off over a year ago and it hasnt been easy. After being kicked out of the house for asking a question about a money matter, i guess i am finally realizing he did me a big favor. Like several of u are mentioning, i have been a basket case for the past 3 wks, but after tonight, i pray i just get stronger each day, cause this is wearing me out. What hurts is the fact that i do miss the man i married….but i am also realizing that man doesn’t really exist. When i confronted him about an online dating service he has joined (we havent signed papers yet) he simply said it wasnt how it really appeared. Humm interesting answer. But it is also hard when he use to be my best friend…who has now turned every good memory i ever had of him, to just pure disgust. I honestly hope i can recover from him.

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jessica May 29, 2017

Thank you for this post. It has been almost ten months since I left my abuser. What I didn’t count on is how long it would take to heal. I did a lot of research on this subject and it helped me when I needed it most. I still cry a lot but have had no contact. I do drink and I am working on that along with some suicidal thoughts. But I talk myself out of it. My next plan of attack is to see a therapist.

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    Karen August 2, 2017

    My son’s father that I have been with on and off for 10 years is trying to heal from 3 consecutive short lived abusive relationships. Now that we are back together he is trying to heal but is also self medicating and drinking. He still thinks of himself as worthless and he refuses to seek any form of counseling. He takes a lot of time for himself. But will he ever heal and if so how long will it take?

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Mackenzie May 23, 2017

Thank you for this article! I’m only in my first week of no contact with my “ex-narc”, but the hardest step for me is to stop researching narcissism 24/7. Everything that I read confirms that I was dealing with a narcissist. Luckily, the relationship only lasted about nine months, but I’m just in shock that I didn’t realize who (or what) I was dealing with earlier.

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    Anne June 6, 2017

    I am sorry to read what you are going through, Mackenzie, great job of getting away so early! Mine lasted years, and I was so oblivious of what was going on, am grateful to the job that I lost for shinning the light on abuse and my intuition for researching NPD. I almost bought every book that was published on Narcs and becoming their true nightmare. I am done with books and on the videos that link Narcs with demons- that keeps me awake all night and I feel like I want to reach out to people and tell them but then again, I wonder if I would have listened to anyone who had told me my perfect catch was the devils own, and also considered that a smear campaign is well established by now and could possibly be confirming whatever rumors the NARC has already impregnanted on peoples minds.

    Knowledge is key dear, read up, and know how to deal with the likes of him, then, look at yourself, remember the person you were before your ordeal, and know the person you want to be, and work at it. soon enough, you will forget he ever existed.

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[…] with the flow of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you feel doubt creeping […]

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Katrice May 11, 2017

Thank you for your article! I’m in my 3rd week of my separation from a Narc. It felt like 24/7 non stop of remuneration. No contact was easy since there’s an order of protection in place. What wasn’t easy was what was replaying in my mind.

I was up at 4a this morning; why because the 2 1/2 year relationship was replaying once again in my mind. I google excessively, the information is pretty much the same but I’m constantly applying a new specific truth to what I read. My excessive thoughts are not necessary and is no longer serving me any good. I accept what happened and I am choosing to forgive myself and move past unmerited guilt and shame. I’m a good person who fell for the perception of another good person. He is a Narc, I’m was his prey, I have lessons and key tools in place to manage future dating better.

This is what I learned. 1) Take the love and compassion that I have and POUR it into myself. 2) no contact can be physical but for me it has to be mental! He told numerous lies to me about his life. I also now accept that the hurtful things he said about my character is also a lie. 3) I’m done googling and going to the gym. 4) I accept the past and will not give this issue more life than I give to restoring myself. 5) flAnd finally, tonight I will charge my phone in another room “just in case I’m tempted to google”.

Thank you for writing it. 😉

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    anne June 6, 2017

    Good girl!!! Way to go hun!! Am there with you! Am so dead tired of my mind racing, so over doubting myself and replaying events and thinking how I should have handled it differently.

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    Kim Saeed August 10, 2017

    What an empowering action plan, Katrice! Wishing you all the best as you move forward into healing.

    Kim XoXo

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Roger April 30, 2017

All I can seem to find is recovering from an abusive significant other. What about recovery when you’re the CHILD of a narcissist? My father was likely a narcissist (he fit 5 of the 8 categories in the DSM-V), but he’s been dead for over 10 years, plus he would’ve never agreed to counseling, being a narcissist and all, so it’s not for sure that that’s his diagnosis.
But I’m now 56 years old, and my life is a shambles, no spouse, no job, about to get kicked out of my apartment, low self-esteem, alcoholic, etc. All because my father could never see past his infantile narcissism to validate me as a child, or even as an adult. How can I get better when all I want to do is to cease to exist? Thanks for your insight!

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    anne June 6, 2017

    Hello Roger,

    I am deeply saddened to read of your situation. It is also sad that society expects grown ups to have figured it all by 28 and not in the need or care of their parents by this age. I read it would be ideal to write a letter to your father addressing the issues you have, you will need to accept that you will not get an answer.

    All that validation you need, give it to yourself, you sure are a great person, placed on this earth for a purpose, you deserve a roof over your head and you deserve a dotting partner and you deserve happiness, you are the only one at this moment responsible for all of these things, you need to stand up and live your life as you intended.

    Are you a good reader? Are you good in implementing things? Would you consider seeing a therapist? Mental Health Worker? They could guide you on the healing journey

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Peter March 14, 2017

Thank you for this! My exwife left me for another man I am beginning to realize she was a narcissist. Reason she left is I finally got fed up with her abuse and manipulation. But then she turned it around and made me the bad guy and her the victim. I need to learn to let go. Her manipulation and abusiveness almost destroyed me. It has been a living HELL. Pray I can learn to let her go completely.

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    Crystal Hosack June 4, 2017

    Sounds exactly like what I’m dealing with. Praying for you and myself!

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    anne June 6, 2017

    I am sorry to read of what you are going through, remember these beasts feed on seeing others in pain. They feed on the attention and, love to see you tired and wasted.

    You could ignore the crap, Let that beast have its cake, choke on it and hope it moves on from your turf sooner. Narcs are not the type you can win a battle with.
    Am sorry you will have to bear it, watch it all. DO NOT ENGAGE with it!! DO not attempt to fight it, it feeds on the attention and again, loves to see you tired and wasted.
    you well know who you are, your values and what you experienced, anyone who is wise and knew you will see through the illusion, manipulation and hell that beast is baking in.

    Pick yourself up, dust it, shake it of and march on, better days are yet to come.

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    matt July 3, 2017

    Same – Mine started an affair with her boss 13 days after out honeymoon and told me about it on our 1 year wedding anniversary after she had already planned to move on with her other man

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JJ February 26, 2017

This was extremely helpful thank you. Especially the pint about stop researching narcissism. I’ve been doing that 24/7 and I guarantee it’s not helping. Thank you.

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Charlie January 25, 2017

I’m a 44 year old male who began working with a female nine years ago (January 2008). Over a period of time we become or so I thought very close friends. There was never any romance involved, I’m happily married and she is a lesbian but we were very regularly in contact, very often went socialising together and went to lunch at work nearly every day. We stuck by each other during thick and thin and shared many our deepest secrets and problems. In fact during 2016 we exchanged more than 2000 whatsapp messages.
In September 2016 she got another job in the same organisation but different department, although she said ‘don’t worry, of course I’ll keep in contact’, ‘its not goodbye’ and ‘we’ll still go out for drinks/food etc’.
From day one in her new role though, she immediately appeared cold, dismissive and seemingly put a barrier in place.
All of a sudden, communication was only one way, she would reply but they were brief and evasive. I would ask how her new job was going and got the reply ‘yeah good thanks’.
At lunch, all of a sudden she sat on the next table with other people/new colleagues and I was barely acknowledged. In fact from here I ended up finding somewhere else to have lunch, well out of the way as it felt totally awkward and uncomfortable.
All of this (just as recent as October/November 2016) really hurt me but I managed to keep a lid on it. I did message her that I was missing her badly but received the reply ‘something that can’t be helped at the moment’. I knew she was training for 9 weeks for her new role and thought she might be busy and made this excuse for her.
In December I asked whether we could go for food/drinks perhaps in the new year when Christmas is out of the way. While not directly answering this, she suggested we go out for the annual Christmas works drink out on the town. I was actually not thinking of going out this time, but this changed things and agreed to meet up. On the Friday before Christmas (16th) I went out and didn’t see her. I sent her a message asking her what was happening, she replied ‘what do you mean?’. Just after this, she did turn up in the bar, saw me and said ‘I didn’t understand your last message, but I’m going off somewhere else with x and y (other colleagues) and promptly left leaving me standing there.
This straw absolutely broke the camels back with me. I had had a few drinks but wasn’t drunk. I was hurt and upset and sent her a couple of angry message giving her a piece of my mind and how’s she’s been aloof for the past few months, although I didn’t swear or resort to name calling. I was though like a bottle of coke having been shook for a few months, and the top came off! Within moments I discovered she blocked me from whatsapp. I quickly realised we may never communicate ever again, and about 5 weeks later (23rd January) we still haven’t made up. Ironically, from victims using the ‘no-contact’ mode, this was turned on me instead.
I let the dust settle until the first week in January, and sent her a normal text (where I wasn’t blocked at this time) suggesting if we can make up. I got a blunt reply advising that she didn’t appreciate receiving a message like that and thought I had a ‘damn cheek’, then blocked me from this also. She had turned herself into the victim as I had the audacity of being less than pleased about being treated cruelly and like dirt.
I bit a research suggests since that she may have narcissistic tendencies, plus talking to other people seems to bear this out suggesting that she’s a user and ‘this is what she’s like’. She’s exciting, she’ll make you feel special and alive but will easily drop you when you not needed anymore.
The autumn/Christmas just gone were some of the darkest and saddest I’ve ever felt at work, I’m now trying to move on and get on with my life while at the same time avoiding her and staying out of her way.
I thought I had some amazing memories although I can’t now help but feel they have been tainted somewhat.

I hear now from others who weren’t as close saying how great she was and what a loss she is; this really sticks in the craw as I’ve seen the ugly other side. I just need to heal, be professional and move on. For a while a few months ago I used to wake up most nights in the small hours and struggled to get back off and it occupied my mind constantly, at least now while not at all perfect, it isn’t anywhere near as bad as that.
I knew in the Autumn that it felt totally like grief, but I had nobody to turn to who could completely understand and felt isolated, after all, nobody had died.

I re-iterate, there was nothing romantic involved, that could never work for a few reasons but she possessed a force that was magnetic. There was never a dull moment, exciting and fun to spend time with and always kept me on my toes – and I was sucked in!!

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    christopher scott February 9, 2017

    It sounds very much like she is a narcissist. You have to cut your losses, realize she was never a friend and move on. I wish there was another way, but there really isn’t. You have to protect yourself/your heart. You really need to focus on yourself and not this fake friend. You need to learn the difference between cognitive empathy and emotional empathy. Also read up on unmitigated communion. You shouldn’t care so much for a fake friend that treats you badly.

    People thinks she’s great because she puts on a false-self!

    Also, remember narcissists don’t recover.

    (PS I went through something very similar.)

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      Dena Brehm February 23, 2017

      Here’s what I’m wondering: why aren’t your excitement/fulfillment needs being met by your spouse? You don’t mention her at all … are you putting nearly this much emotional energy into your primary relationship?

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    Ann March 22, 2017

    My gut feeling from reading this is that you smothered her. The woman isn’t even heterosexual so it seems like what you’re asking of her is just too much. I’m sorry, just let her go.

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Nhand November 8, 2016

I’ve been married to a N for 3 years. Last month i found out she created an online dating profile and began dating guys she met online. Now she’s looking to move out and rent an room somewhere so she could have new N supplies. All this while we are still married. Can you believe it?
Last 2 weeks, i went online and read everything I could and realized she’s a Narc. During the 3 years of marriage, she bombarded me with verbal abuse and belittled me. I used to be a happy person and enjoy life to the fullest. Since with her, i lost all motivation and someday i wake up and don’t know who I am anymore.
I’ve been going no-contact for 2 weeks but it’s killing me inside. I feel so much pain. Last night, i curled up next to her in bed and made love to her and it felt so good eventhough I know that she will leave me in a matter of days. I broke the no-contact rule and now I’m back to square one.
I try to forget about her but it’s so painful everytime i think about it. I know once she moved out, the next day will be better than the day before. I want to forget about her. I want to move on, but it hurts so much because I love her very much.

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    Ann January 10, 2017

    I have been going through a similar experience with my husband of less than 2.5 years. He had chased me obsessively for years and really swept me off my feet. After we married he changed over night (seemed to be annoyed by me all the time). He totally neglected me and was withdrawn and moody. He started online dating behind my back after only one year. Then he moved out stating he had lost respect for me over a variety of odd things and because I was not making him feel happy enough. He abandoned my kids and I, but I kept holding on thinking I had screwed up some how. My self esteem was so low after all this. It took me a long time to wake up to reality. He has dragged out the divorce forever. I am still not back on my feet.

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    Teri January 25, 2017

    I was married to a narcissistic man for 16 years. My first love out of high school. I had low self esteem and here somebody said they loved me. First time anyone had said that to me. If I had the nerve to bring up an issue, “Are you done” was the only response I got. I stayed through infidelity, 2 children and being the lonliest person. We had an upper middle class lifestyle. Finally, he asked for a divorce after meeting “the love of his life”, he told me. He asked me not to start divorce proceedings until he was 100 percent sure. He packed his bags 2 weeks before Christmas and didn’t say goodbye to our 8 and 12 tr old. That night he came back. Nothing said between either of us. In January he left again, this time I wouldn’t let him back. The divorce took 4 years and when he was in between girlfriends he would show up. I would let him in thinking he realized how wonderful our life was. He had a girlfriend who overdosed, another one who’s ex boyfriend killed her and he reproduced during our marriage that I didnt know about until he died at the ripe old age of 58. Note..they dont change, its an illness they wont admit too and it has now affected my 36 yr old son, a sociopath narcissistic who aided in the suicide of his sister. All for greed to obtain her inheritance, which he did. I dont trust, I have become intolerant of whiny people. Im hard, angry, bitter, sad, guilt ridden,resentful and hurt. I am a good person, an empath who had no boundaries. Get out and save yourself from the abuse that WILL continue. Even if they acknowledge this abusive behavior, its very difficult for them to rid this toxicity they have become accustomed to.

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      Sander May 2, 2017

      What a sad story Teri. It motivates me to get out of my nightmare, now I (think) I still can. I’m not a therapist nor do I know much about psychology. I consider myself a good person, who tries to do right to everybody. I pretty much have everything one could wish, a nice family, a good job, good friends. I’m so grateful for all those gifts that came to my life for free, and I will never take any of those things for granted, seeing the misery that so many people have to battle every day of their life. My only mistake, I guess, is that I mirror my empathy on the person who obviously is only out to destroy me. I met her in a very stable phase of my life. I was almost thirty, had a difficult period of insecurity during my twenties, trying to find my place in this world and make my life meaningful. If I would have met my partner in this period, things could have gotten much worse. I often feel her effords of getting my self esteem down effect me very much, and I’m also suffering episodes of complete madness and insanity that I don’t recognise the person I have become. I’m so lucky that the people on my job make me forget about my problems every day I come to work. I think this is my blessing. I’m lucky, and I’m aware of this. I’m a very persistant person, which helps me a lot, but it’s a curse in my relation, which I refused to give up. Now, I finally know what the hell is going on, by having discovered the symptoms of NPD. Reading the stories of people who have gone through the same nightmare gives me hope and strengthens me. I hope you find piece in your life. Not everybody is a bad person, trust me 😉

      Reply
Wifeofacovertnarcissist September 30, 2016

Hi, you mentioned that step 1 is the most important. What are some examples of grounding techniques and selfsoothing methods?

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    Kim Saeed October 2, 2016

    Hi WOACN,

    There are several ideas in my free “Beginner’s Healing Toolkit” that you can download here on the site. It’s at the bottom of most blog posts and on the right sidebar. Enjoy!

    Reply
Dave September 22, 2016

I just wanted to say thank you for writing this article.

I have been struggling over the last 2 years to decipher what happened in my marriage. My relationship with the ex wife went through three distinct phases.

In a nutshell:

Idealization. – I was the best thing that ever happened to her. I was her soul mate. I was a unique love that happens but once in a lifetime. Over the first 3 years of our relationship she continually built me up. She read her mark well. I invested so much into the relationship and she took, and took and took. I was more than happy to give. She wanted to live together and start a business shortly after we met. I resisted, and set firm boundaries. But as time went on she gained my trust. She told me everything I wanted to hear.

Devaluation – The day after we got married, a campaign of subtle torture ensued. She would withdraw. I would try desperately to recapture her attention. Every once and awhile she would show affection. I would have to give more and more for less and less emotional return. Randomly, she would brag about ex lovers in an attempt to tear me down. I did not know how to respond. When I questioned her behaviour, I was crazy.

Discard – I suspected an affair. I asked her about her abnormal behaviour. Like flipping a switch she became very emotionally hostile. It was all my fault. She needed passion. I treated her so well, she stated I made her feel bad about herself. She flaunted her new love in front of me at every opportunity. Her rational was that she has low self esteem. She refused all counselling. I have never heard from her since – almost a decade together and it was over in a flash.

It’s been a struggle. I am a very loyal person. I have mostly recovered but some days the deception still nags at me. 2 years since the divorce and I still feel emotionally drained. I have always had a good sense of self esteem, and have been an over achiever. Yet, this experience has cut deep.

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    Alex September 28, 2016

    Dave: Sounds just like what I’ve been going through for the past 8 years. First marriage lasted a year. I had found out she was cheating in a long term affair with a married man all throughout the engagement and one year of marriage. When I found out, she filed divorce and went after the married man, who eventually couldn’t commit. She contacted me 6 months later and we reconciled with counseling etc. Hurray! My love is back! She just made a horrific mistake with the affair! Well, we remarried again and wihin a year she was in the affair again behind my back. Flying around to see him. Fake alias at hotels, etc. Just some really bizarre stuff. I found out, and again, she filed and ran. Silent treatment as well. Always went through the Idealization, devaluation, discard. I didn’t see the patterns until the last few months when 2 different therapists opened my eyes. They both suspect NPD.

    She’s been gone for 6 months now, and I still long for the early days when she really seemed to love me. We both just knew we were each other’s “one”. Then poof.

    When will the pain subside? There are soooo many clear signs that she is disordered, but I still cannot seem to accept it over the potential that she is just in love with another. Sense of entitlement, chameleon personality, nothing was ever good enough, identity issues, etc. TOTAL lack of empathy. I’ve never heard an explanation or apology. I’m her husband!

    The thing is was that she was incredibly beautiful. Stunning. How did I land HER?! The self esteem boost was great. But now, when she’s gone, it’s “see… you weren’t as good as you thought”. That’s the damning part. That’s the part we need to work out.

    Just want the nightmare of sadness to end.

    Reply
      chris November 6, 2016

      As they age and their supply fades, they may begin drinking , they don’t go down easy , they never apologize, even on their death bed they will try to injure you. They are not a pretty sight, as all of their tricks fail. They will still smile from their frail face as they try to.hurt you one more time.
      Run and don’t look back.

      Reply
        Steel Hibiscus January 19, 2017

        I was married to a Pathological Narcissist.
        We are both Seniors, and he is seven years older that I am.
        I was legally married to him for one year, and lived with him for two years.
        It is my opinion that these disordered individuals must get worse as they age.
        Age did not stop this individual because he cannot stop this bizarre behavior at anytime during his lifetime.
        I left him once, briefly returned, left again, and never returned.
        I further have had no contact with him. I observed the no contact rule, the second time I left him, and forever more.
        I kept painfully quiet, and never revealed to his family or friends how very sick, and disturbed this person is, and will forever be.
        He hid these traits well from everyone, but me.
        He is adored by his friends. The charisma that he has is unbelievable!
        I do suspect that his son is aware of his Dad’s situation, and fears him.
        If I had talked about the situation to his friends, they would have thought that I was insane. He would have further reversed it all on me. His Narcissitic rage would have been over the top as though that could have been possible.
        I never discussed anything with his family, either.
        My only purpose for writing this is to urge both men, and women who are unfortunately, involved with these Pathological Narcissistic individuals to literally flee for your lives.
        I am not being dramatic here! Leave, and never look back!
        Once you leave, obey the no contact rule, get into therapy with the right therapist who has been educated on the physcology of the Pathological Narcissist, and the great harm they inflict on their victims you will start to gain the proper perspective on the entire situation. You will start to regain your power.
        If you observe the no contact rule the Cognitive Dissonance will cease, and your brain will start to heal.
        I cannot overly emphasize how very important it is to stop all forms of contact forever.
        I thank God every single day that I am completely out of the situation.
        I now love my life again!
        Thank you, for reading this, and I sincerely hope that I have helped someone.
        Steel Hibiscus

        Reply
    Beryl Russell October 17, 2016

    Dave, that sounds like what I went through for three years with a man. Ironically, his name is Dave. I was widowed at a young age and I know now that I was the perfect victim as I had ‘gone off the rails’ a bit after my husband passed away. He was there to pick up the pieces. Your three-part description of your marriage is what happened to me in a very short period of time. I was constantly told that I think I’m better than others and it seemed that he would go to great lengths to cut me down from my ‘pedestal’ through verbal assault and got a bit physical too. He would always throw his exes in my face – bragging about how they look or how well they cook, etc.
    I’m in a no contact phase now and even though am weak, I’m getting stronger everyday and will not be part of his Narc Supply. I understand sadness – from losing my husband to being a narcissist’s girlfriend. For me, they’re very different and that’s what’s getting me through a little more each day. The sadness after losing my husband was real, genuine. The sadness from getting the Narc out of my life is twisted and fake because the ‘love’ wasn’t real. The person wasn’t real. I’m mostly sad about wasting 3 years of my life with this freak. But, there’s nothing I can do about that and hope to meet someone who’s just plain normal in the near future. Best to you, B

    Reply
    Smlk October 27, 2016

    Dave , it will get better. Just continue to love yourself ,do lots of self love and everyday u will feel better than the day before. It took me 6 yrs to finally put a closure. I disnt need him to help me with that. I spoke to him how he made me feel ,how I didn’t want to ever see him again ( narcs don’t leave they return begging to make it work ). Narcs also don’t like to see their victims happy and stronger ! Today I can faithfully say I am a much happier person. Oh god ,no more stress about his cheating (mine too denied any affairs but I caught him red handed yet denied it !!). Life is short to waste it away on him ! I have hobbies ,I spend quality time with my parents ! I volunteer ! I ll admit though I so get triggers,for my narc ex traumatized me ! Being happy and blessed by gods bounties ,is the best revenge ,narcs either burn to see us happy or walk away temporary ,fooling their other supplies. Few months later they appear again ! Everytime he returns I am even way stronger. But this time I have informed his fsmily members to ask him not to return ! He wasn’t happy with that. Hasn’t shown himself for over a yr now ! Keep us posted on how u doing ? We r here to help u go through this ordeal !

    Reply
    Smlk October 27, 2016

    what I noted and learned from Internet about narcs victims. Although we do recover ,but we will never be the same ever. This is so so so true. Being with a narc was like he took control of my soul and changed the mechanisms of my brains. Today I have full control of myself ,this through Dbt therapy. Dbt therapy to me
    Is like a surgery done to reverse my brains mechanisms. Yes it is a challenge daily to have to be angry ,sad ,disappointed ,triggered to thsn need to use the Dbt skills. I have recovered and am so happy I am
    Not with him and happy that I am brave to push him away. There were days (aftet the real up )I d yearn to see him I d cry and beg to god to send my narc ex back to me ! I just missed the man he pretended to Be. I missed the good times pushing away the memories of his abuse ! Today I don’t yearn for him anymore. For I am v well versed about narcissists !! I encourage all narcs victims to take up Dbt therapy. It is v helpful. It helps with emotions awareness and emotion management !! And sites like this that Kim has ,is v helpful too. It was reading her posts (hers was the first ) that got me to start a fresh new journey to MY FREEDOM !!

    Reply
    Ann January 10, 2017

    Sounds so familiar unfortunately. I wish I had known about all this prior to marrying. So much time wasted.

    Reply
Sarah September 21, 2016

It’s been two yrs since my no contact even though my narc ex has tried on many occasions….. I know I don’t love him any more but why does he still haunt my dreams? I still have the nightmares they differ but he is still there I reenact things I can not change…… And what makes it worse is that I have been with a wonderful man for the past yr who treats me with love, respect and consideration but this is over shadowing my life…. Nov done the counselling, meditation, group therapy etc but can’t seem to stop these dreams and nightmares happening

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    Kim Saeed September 29, 2016

    Hi Sarah,

    I would recommend your seeing if there is a Shaman in your area and setting up an appointment with them for illumination, detachment, and a possible soul retrieval.

    Kim

    Reply
    Smlk October 27, 2016

    Sarah , I too have dreams about my narc. Infact had one just last night ,couldn’t sleep after that. Brought anger in me. But than I started digging for facts. Why did I dream about him ? And it hit me I thought about him yest when j was watching a show. It triggered me at that moment and I had these thoughts like ” ugh hate him I am sure he d have done this and that !” And my dream was exactly ,my thoughts !!

    Reply
Amy August 31, 2016

I have a question- do you have any articles or advice specific to recovery from a narcissist that is a celebrity? My recovery is complicated not only by the fact that we share friends, but also that he is in the public eye and as a result, his smear campaign and petty torments are public.

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    Kim Saeed October 2, 2016

    Hi Amy,

    The answer to your question is more than I can offer here because of its intricacies, but the best thing to do would be to document everything and hire an attorney. If you share friends, you may have to end some of those relationships where they may be siding with the narcissist. Not knowing anything about what you’re doing regarding your recovery, I can’t really give any insight, other than to say you’ll want to hire a therapist, and also someone who can help you navigate the terrain of narcissistic abuse recovery.

    Wishing you the best,

    Kim

    Reply
Now-relaxed July 31, 2016

Hello Kim, thanku you so much for your insights.. I have been into such type of relationship. And to be honest. It was the worst phase of my life. I used to be a very happy and easy going girl. Being with him made me feel like I am insane and a worthless girl. He left me without even letting me know. I was left hanging. Later on, I heard from someone, he is with another girl. I felt like going to him and slapping right on his face. I cried for two years. He did not call even for once. And now I know what this all was. After all these years, I learnt about narcissism and have promised never to let any bastard do same thing to me again.

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AMC86 July 7, 2016

Im sooo Happy I came across your sight. I have been out of a relationship for a couple of months and it has been extremely painful. some days I just want to curl up in a ball and cry other days I have glimmers of hope. It wasn’t until the relationship ended that I realized he was a Narc. You see we had a decent relationship for the most part in the sense I never felt overtly disrespected and there was no yelling fussing or fighting(my previous relationship was emotionally abuse with lots of arguing) so it felt so good, but there were little subtle signs he had some traits. for instance I would always break my neck to make sure he was good and I was being a good mate to him but I never really got the same in return from him, he would make promises for things and not follow through. He was from another state that wasn’t far from where we lived so I always expressed wanting to go home to meet the family but anytime he said he would make it happen it never did. Xmas he asked me if Id like a remote starter for my car but I never received it and the one time I asked he had the nerve to tell me I waited to late and Id have to wait. Valentines day he totally forgot about it. instead of saying sorry and admitting he was wrong he said people at work didn’t remind him and that it wasn’t a big deal like birthdays etc. In the beginning he love bombed me so hard that I immediately fell for him and then of course all of that went out the window. about a couple of weeks before I was blindsided by the breakup I noticed him being a little cold towards me at first I tried to convince myself I was overreacting but then it bothered me to the point where I had to ask him was everything okay with him and when I did he said that he had conflicting feelings regarding the relationship and then he called and broke up with me and said his heart was out of the relationship for months. the reasoning was very vague(he said family issues and work but he didn’t specify) I was sooo hurt and confused, I felt like if he felt this way for so long or knew something I was owed a faced to face mature convo with him being honest and forth coming about what was going on with him. To make matters worse I told him through my tear that he’d never have to worry about me again and when he then he confused me even more by saying don’t distance yourself because you never knew where we could have picked back up. That hurt even worse bc I felt like he was trying to treat me like a toy that he could toss and pick back up when he was ready. I did not agree to that and I opted to heal and move on. about two months later he reached back out and tried to flip things on me. he said that if I loved him I would have checked on him and made sure he was Ok, he pretty much said I was selfish in my thinking when it cam to the breakup. That confused me even more. We ended up meeting at a restaurant and it just got worse from there. He took no accountability for how he blindsided me and left me confused he instead claimed I never cared about him bc I went without contacting. in his mind he felt it was okay to act cold towards me and leave me to try to figure out what was wrong. I am currently in counseling bc I don’t want to be victim to these kinds of men anymore outside of them I know I have my own issues that I need to work on that causes me to attract Narc I and just want to grow from here.

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Mimi M June 29, 2016

Yours is the first article I’ve read that said…”stop researching narcs”…and I’ve read a lot of articles! Still too focused but healing very nicely…how? God. Don’t know how I would have even had the courage to leave. I’m in true no contact but thanks to you I will No Focus…he has been the object of my attention for far too long.

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    Anonymous November 16, 2016

    Ha ha! I too noticed that hers was the first article that said “stop searching narcs” because I’ve spent a lot of time pondering everything, analyzing, reflecting on long walks since Summer. I feel I’m almost done, I asked for angel guidance to be directed to the solution of how to purge the topic from my mind. Asked, and received and it was discovering a Youtube video of hers (and others) that finally gave it a name! The closure I’ve been looking for, as with most things that leave my life unexpected is “what was the lesson I was supposed to learn from that” and with this, I haven’t been able to stop analyzing its title. Now I’m at least able to point at what happened to me (him: narcissistic). Its hard to find true closure in a mind like mine, when I can’t feel what the lesson was. Still searching. Just my 10 cents worth. For me too, this has all been the object of my attention for too long.

    Reply
Rob June 24, 2016

Thank you for your guidance. It has helped. This breakup is one of the hardest challenges I have ever faced. She was/is like a drug and I am sure she would love to hear that. I seriously doubted my sanity and nearly died due to a episode of elevated blood pressure during yet another breaking of our engagement over the phone. Doctors claim it could be what caused my Cerebral aneurysm. So I have a lot of reasons to stop thinking about all that and move on. It literally changed my life. 2 weeks now and no contact. Fortunately she is with somebody else. I know because she wrote me to brag about it. Seems no end to the cruelty. Except the end that your teachings provide. Thank you again, Rob
.

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    Kim Saeed June 26, 2016

    Hi Rob, I sincerely hope for your complete recovery and thank you for writing in.

    I gotta be honest with you,Rob. Her writing to you to brag about some new guy is blueprint behavior for a female narc. In my experience, these women can be much more sinister and evil in their manipulations as compared to their male counterparts. I hope you will do whatever it takes to completely bar this woman from ever contacting you again. If she wrote you via your email account, delete it and create a new one. If she mails you, just mark it “return to sender” and don’t open it. I’m telling you, these two things alone will put you well on your way to freedom and recovery.

    I truly do hope you find a way to get over this relationship. If you have a CoDA group or other 12-step program in your area,it might be a good starting point. Just don’t get involved with anyone there.

    Wishing you all the best.

    Kim

    Reply
hippygurl61 January 17, 2016

Reblogged this on hippygurl61's Blog.

Reply
JA January 16, 2016

Hi Kim, my ex narc hole is running his pie hole again. He thinks he is the greatest thing since the dawn of man. He has caused me severe anxiety, PTSD, very bad emotional issues to the point I stick all men in his category now. LIARS! Exploitive, coercive, manipulative self-serving, I never want to let my guard down again. He abused his first wife, other women, his other ex wives, me, hi current wife. No one is ever good enough for him! It’s always something! Their hair, their clothes their career choices, their financial situations, their weight, their eye color, their skin tone, the cars they drive, where they live. He makes fun of everyone! He thinks all women are stupid and useless. He thinks other men can’t compete with him. Yet, he is the one broke all the time looking for naïve women to support his rear, he is the one always in trouble with the law, he is the one that gets off wrecking relationships, chasing after married people, lying to himself and everyone else. Amazing how everyone else is stupid or worthless in his above than everyone else eyes and attitude, yet he fails to see how big of an a-hole he is? Why do narcissists fail to see their issues? How can someone be that full of themselves? That cocky? That confident? What a façade!!!!! One big song and dance pony show!!!! Are these fools capable of loving anyone but themselves? Or do they really hate themselves and hide the fact by acting so super confident? What is the deal? It is so draining!!! So confusing!!!! So soul gut harmful!!! Toxic!!!! It’s like a constant movie playing in my head over and over and over again!!!! Repetitive intrusive thoughts! I just want him to suffer like he causes everyone else!!!! But, it’s like people with narcissism are so far removed from reality they cause everyone else to suffer!!! They don’t care who or what they hurt! Most have nothing left to lose anyhow so everything is viewed as a joke. If you have any advice on how in the heck to move on I would really appreciate it. Thank you for your site!

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I am survivor December 30, 2015

Hi

I am so glad I found this article. I just separated from narcissist husband ( almost 7 years of marriage) and total 10 years of relationship. I had a hell of time. Especially for last two to three years, I have been murdered emotionally so many times, almost went into depression. But finally got the nerve to distant myself from him. He has done everything to demean me , lower my self esteem and self worth. I thought something is wrong with me and I blamed myself bcoz of his bad behaviour and his alcoholism . He blamed me for his alcoholism and bad behavior. He blamed me for his bad treatment towards me that I was the reason that he behaves in such a bad way with me. He started isolating me, stopped coming home knowing that abandoning me like this will hurt me so much and I might commit suicide. I was so addicted to him knowing that his behaviour towards me was unacceptable. I don’t know why I couldn’t get the courage to leave him. I don’t know why I loved him so much even though he was hurting me purposely. He started business with female partner to whom I was never introduced although I told him many times that I want to meet her. He told me lies and made excuses and I never met her in 3 years of their business partnership. Then to my shock I found her explicit and love you messages on his phone. And he blamed me that why I checked his phone aND whom am I to confront him. He made me feel like I don’t matter to him at all or to anyone in this world. I have no worth and i cant even run a house according to him. He started getting lot of money from his business and started threatening me that I am too sensitive and crying all the time so he would leave me and he has so much money that he can go to any part of the world and live there without working and I won’t even know where he is. I started begging him for his attention and llove. I felt I will be miserable without him. He stopped coming on weekends to home. Sometimes even weekdays and won’t tell me anything what’s going on his life. Then he started saying he is sick of his life bcoz of my sensitive and touchy behaviour and wants to live alone. He used to come all drink every night and Jas physically assaulted me so many times and becomes very violent and destructive. Our bedroom wall and so much other stuff is broken. He abused me and stared verbally abusing my parents . His parents are divorced when he was kid. They both remarried. His mom lives with us after her second divorce and she tortured me as well physically , verbally and emotionally. I tried to give up my life once it was so bad. I never told my parents before about this bcoz I had a love marriage (my parents warned me but I was so blindfolded in love) and I still loved him and wanted him to change. He started using me to satisfy his sexual needs by pushing me down and I couldn’t say no thinking it would hurt him and u wanted him to love me. But for last couple of months he was so mean he is like I am good enough for anything not even Sex, forget about love. I had to wake up from this illusion of love. I was broken to pieces and died inside, felt like giving up life again thinking I am not lovable. I finally opened up to my close friend and she told me to leave the house soon and go my parents bcoz I was not safe there as he was hitting me s well which he will blame me next morning that he was too drunk bcoz of me and why I bothered him at that time. And then become silent. OMG!!! Why me??? I loved him with pure heart although I know he was doing wrong with me , I gave him do many chanded thinking he will remorse and will feel guilty as I used to remind him about God and that God is always watchin. But he didn’t changed , it all became so worse. I just used to remember happy times in the beginningof our relationship and used to imagine that he still loves me ,is just alcohol and bad company of his collegues. But once I moved to my parents, he threatened me and my family as well. Started stalking me. I had to complainpolice and get restraining orders for him bcoz he couldn’t stop texting me and threatening me. So I am glad I have no contact with him for last month and half. I don’t understand how is he treating other woman so nicely ( his business partner) if he is narcissist? ? Then , was there something wrong with me?? I had given all of me to him when I was living with him to the point that I didn’t cared about anything else. It was all about him. Please reply to my question if you can ?

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 26, 2016

    Hi, I am Survivor, I’d love to be able to help you. If you are interested in personal guidance, I am offering a summer special on all of my coaching options. Here is the link for your consideration: https://letmereach.com/healing-from-narcissistic-abuse/

    Wishing you all the best…

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
Hurting mommy December 15, 2015

I have been married thirteen years. My husband has always been controlling, is s single child and has always only worried about himself or me. Once we had kids it was too much for him to handle I believe and he cracked. He has become so controlling, watches where I go, tells me I cannot go to the store to buy things, even when I work full time and make more money than he does. I take care of our kids, work full time, take care of his elderly mom, he does not lift a finger. He is always telling me I doneverythin wrong, say everything wrong, redoes what I do, whether it’s pack the car, load the dishwasher, put the toilet paper in the roll, he is mean to our kids, he belittles them and does not build them up T all. He did lose his dad when he was 10, and I wonder if that is effecting him now. He will let the family spend money on a gift for him, but he won’t let anyone buy anything else for anyone else . He is so selfish and it is only getting worse. On my 40th birthday he yelled at me and called me selfish and then ignored me all day. He did not even lift a finger to help make dinner or pick up the kids or anything. I go in for infusions four times a year for chemo and he has never come with me. He almost pretends I don’t exist because he does not want to share any attention with me. I think he may be a narcissist but he says he is not. He is so bossy and pushy and mean to me all the time. The way he talks to me is terrible. He always says sorry after yelling at me and the kids. This time on my birthday a few days ago, I said I wanted to leave him and end our marriage. He now is moping around like I did something wrong. He even had he nerve to tell me I was hurting his feelings! I just don’t know how to diagnose his behavior when he wont go to counseling because there is nothing wrong with him- according to him. I am worried if divorce is worse for the kids or if it’s worse for them to continue to witness the way daddy treats mommy. They have already asked me , why does daddy not like you. Anyone have any professional advise?

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    junie136 December 27, 2015

    Ouch, that’s not healthy for the kids. He sounds very abusive and demeaning. You can’t win with those type of people, they never consider themselves wrong. Could be a narcissist.

    Reply
Kate November 4, 2015

I have Complicated Grief after witnessing the murder of a close family member. I also am now trying to heal from a narcissist ex.

CG exclusively involves bereavement after traumatic death. It does not include romantic loss. To include romantic loss as a cause of CG is neither accurate nor appropriate.

While they can co-exist, healing from romantic loss and healing from an abusive relationship are separate issues.

Complex-post traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD), a sub-group of PTSD, is the impairment that would develop after an abusive relationship.

Thanks

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    Kim Saeed November 5, 2015

    Hi Kate, thank you for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate your input and I am very sorry about what you went through. I hope your therapy is helping you heal.

    You are correct in that currently, Complicated Grief is exclusive to bereavement according to the DSM V, but many experienced psychotherapists and Doctors are now seeing that severe breakups and divorces (and even other forms of substantial loss) are causing the same symptoms of chronic grief in some of their patients and feel comfortable using that term to describe their patients’ condition, especially given the traumatic nature of romantic (yet abusive) relationships with Cluster-B disordered individuals.

    Here are a few of my research sources:
    Masters, F. (2014, September 29). How to Survive a Break Up – The Fusion Model.
    Brogaard D.M.Sci., Ph.D, B. (2015, April 16). Breakup: How to Tell If You Suffer from Complicated Grief.
    Wright-Parker, RN, MSCC, GC-C, J. (n.d.). Grief Over Breakup.

    Regarding healing from romantic loss and/or an abusive relationship, I understand the nature of comorbidity. Thank you for pointing that out. I do believe, however, that typically, victims of narcissistic abuse have a very difficult time separating the two, but some can.

    I really haven’t worked with anyone who didn’t display symptoms of C-PTSD after leaving an abusive relationship, whether romantic or otherwise. So, you are correct that C-PTSD is a common result of being emotionally and physically abused.

    Having shared those things, I don’t want readers to accept (or reject) the ideas presented in my articles as absolute truths, rather that they consider the information as one of many possible points of view.

    Thanks again, and I wish you all the best in your continued recovery.

    Reply
      junie136 December 15, 2015

      Your own article above states that Complicated Grief (CG) is now recognized to be caused by ANY form of traumatic loss, not just bereavement.

      Reply
justdamnbirds October 12, 2015

Thank you for this article, it is very helpful.

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    Kim Saeed October 12, 2015

    Thank you for letting me know that 🙂

    Reply
Monroe September 12, 2015

This website is such a gift ! I just finished my 4 year Narc battle. I’m a mental health clinician, and in retrospect know that the pathology was evident after the first month. Unfortunately, I have a Narc father and brother and was easily seduced by the false charisma. I’m ashamed to say my Narc did not pay rent (he was paying rent & expenses for his Narc son) & I also paid for his health insurance (which I’ve since discontinued). I just started an anti-depressant, joined a new gym and started a language class, but kept myself in limbo by retaining email contact. Big mistake ! As expressly stated by Aves and Kim, NO CONTACT is NO CONTACT. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when there are children involved. I am inspired and grateful to all who have shared their stories and wish everyone well in their healing and new adventures.

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La la August 17, 2015

I went back to my narcissistic boyfriend again, after his prodding of course. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality and have an extreme fear of abandonment which has been a staple for him during our 20 year relationship. The last breakup he was with another woman a month later and living with her 3 months later. He says I have a fear of showing affection, which is true from what my ex boyfriends who were reasonably normal. I am afraid to fully commit or show I truely love some one because I am afraid that will leave me eventually. Now his ex is crazy texting us and I can’t deal with it. She is mean and crazy and we both ignorey it but a week later, here she goes again. How with my disability do I have a normal relationship and don’t destroy good men like I have in the past. Should I just stay and continue vto get tortured and torture him so I don’t hurt healthy people. 2 kids with narc and never pushed the idea of marriage though he would of I insisted. Any suggestions wouy be great. I hate my life of limbo.

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    Kim Saeed August 25, 2015

    Hi La la,

    Did you know that many people who are diagnosed with BPD are actually suffering C-PTSD and Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome? People who have been emotionally and psychologically abused typically display C-PTSD symptoms that can mimic bipolar disorder. Judith Herman, author of Trauma & Recovery, describes C-PTSD as a form of trauma associated with prolonged subjection to totalitarian control including emotional abuse, domestic violence or torture—all repeated traumas in which there is an actual or perceived inability for the victim to escape. This may cause difficulty in regulating one’s emotions, explosive anger, and changes in self-perception which include shame, guilt, and self-blame.

    Here is a link to her site describing recovery: https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/recovery-and-therapy/stages-of-recovery/judith-hermans-stages-of-recovery/

    Wishing you all the best.

    Reply
      Anonymous September 1, 2015

      The stop researching Narcissism 24/7 #5, made me laugh. A lot. It’s so true, that’s why. 🙂

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 1, 2015

        Glad you got a chuckle from the article 🙂

        Reply
pegbowen August 4, 2015

I read this article back in January. I was at the second phase of recovery. I am finally at the last stage and am recovering my self esteem. This summer has been a doozie. I finally let all the pieces come together and have been able to really start seeing life without fear and fog. Thank you for your positive messages and encouraging words! They helped immensely. It has taken me a year to go through all of the phases, and I believe you said in one of your posts that it takes 1-2 years to recover. I have been criticized for ways the ways I dealt with (or didn’t deal with) depression during recovery, but it is good to know that what I have gone through is fairly normal and that the light at the end of the tunnel is visible. Thank you, Kim!

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[…] with the flow of the healing process. Don’t rush yourself or be hard on yourself when you feel doubt creeping […]

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Messed up real bad July 19, 2015

I have to work with mine. 🙁

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slk1217 July 5, 2015

Reblogged this on slk1217's Blog.

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cristianedawning July 5, 2015

Reblogged this on relationshitexit and commented:
Yes, start with rest, long baths or do what you can to ground yourself, breathe and just rest – then find a therapist and get words on what you have been threw -and heal yourself totally -begin solving your childhood in whatever small way – everyone has a scar…or a thought like —-ALL people is good deepest down… change your worldview and educated yourself -get the Narc RADAR ON!

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    Kim Saeed July 5, 2015

    Great insight, Cristiane! (and thank you for sharing my article <3)

    Reply
Autumn July 3, 2015

This was very helpful to read. I was with my narc for almost 9 years before I decided to hire a P.I. It has now been 6 months since finding everything out and I have to admit up until a few days ago I was still letting him in because I felt sorry for him. We have a 4 yr old daughter but were never married..thank G-d, especially in the words of my attorney. He has come back pleading many times but after finding out yet again of more philandering and his lack of effort to get help I realize I have to have very limited contact(for my daughter) and it can’t be at my house. He is a master manipulator and I can’t believe I was still falling for it. Thank you again for your article.

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clyde May 26, 2015

I think I have been in a narcissist relationship for the past 4 years and it’s really bad because I am a man dating a narcissist women! I feel embarrassed because men are supposed to be strong,tough,and everything else but this women has my emotions a wreck!the past 4 years I have never win an argument/fight they are never resolved because she never does anything wrong!she twist everything I say and sometimes I really question my sanity(a lot here lately). I feel I need help ,someone to talk to who understands !I love this women with all my heart and we have awesome times together but when we disagree we argue then we fight and at the end nothing is resolved and I don’t even know what we’re fighting about but what wedo know is she is right I’m wrong and I’m left an emotional wreck !so I guess my question is can this be fixed I don’t wanna give up on her because everyone always has but if it cost my sanity I can’t do it!

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Cassy December 16, 2014

I don’t normally do this (leave a comment) on posts that I read, but I’m having the hardest time with this break up. 8 months of bliss and then he suddlenly changed. Said out loud “I’m not usually nice to people. Why am I being so nice?” Woke up different. This dude switched on me so many times and I couldn’t understand what was going on. He tried to accuse me of not caring about his family and trying to make him choose & I am not an evil person to do such things. After we “resolved” that, things went downhill because his behavior and attitude was completely out of control. He asked for space and I gave it to him. Mind you, I had cable in my name at his place, I had just bought all the food in his refrigerator and cabinets & I gave him $$ to add to moving expenses and cooked for all his friends at his housewarming. Then, he’s calling and texting on his break that he asked for which confused me. So, eventually I got on his nerves by calling him out on lies he didn’t even know I caught him in. Im from NY. I’m an outspoken woman. His best friend then posted pictures on Facebook of him with another female at a mutual friends party. I asked him if he wanted to break up. I gave him the window to jump through and he still wouldn’t budge and I thought he had feelings. So,I forgave him and the next thing I know, consensual sex turned into him wanting to dominate me and hold me down (which he never did before). He lost control. I said I wouldn’t contact him, he said “it doesn’t have to be that way.” Then he was still calling me names and wouldn’t help me do anything. I don’t care that his ass is gone, but damn. I attract narcissists. The ex before him almost killed me in a car accident and my father is a narcissist too. Left and didn’t turn back until child support caught up with him. I can’t sleep. I don’t want sex, I’m not interested in dating and now that I understand what this is, I’m scared to death to get involved with anyone because my future children will not go through this with their father. How the hell do I avoid these losers and what will it take to soothe my mind? It all being a lie really does hurt.

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    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    Cassy, thank you for visiting my blog and for sharing. It’s truly an honor.

    Typically, when we have a pattern of attracting manipulative people, it has to do with childhood wounds. We go through life subconsciously creating the same dynamic we experienced as children where we learned we could only be loved according to how we behaved and what we could do for other people. It’s a painful narrative that sets us up with negative beliefs about ourselves and about life. This often results in the “same man, different face” scenario.

    Doing the self-work is really the only way to heal. And it takes more than reading books…we have to release the grief and trauma from our subconscious and our body (which is really an extension of our subconscious mind, and also holds negative emotions that have built up over time).

    Reply
      aves December 19, 2014

      Hi, Kim.

      Thank you for endorsing Melanie’s NARP programme in this post. I’m a firm convert to her method because it works. One of many things I’ve learned through this recovery process – if it’s a fight between our conscious mind (logical thinking) and our subconscious mind (emotional memory), it’s the subconscious mind that will ALWAYS win, AND, it’s the subconscious mind that will ALWAYS rule our behaviour.

      ALWAYS and NEVER are always dangerous qualifiers to throw around but when it comes to the way our subconscious mind rules our behaviour, in this instance, their use is strongly warranted. I’m convinced the only solution is to change our subconscious mind and release our emotional memory.

      Warmest regards,
      Avesraggiana

      Reply
        Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

        Thank you for sharing that, Aves. I also believe in her program. We are learning more and more about how our bodies are really an extension of our subconscious mind and so by releasing our wounds from our subconscious, we are also releasing the grief and trauma that has become wedged in our bodies while healing our inner wounds.

        I’m so glad to know you are healing <3

        Reply
Links and blog entries you should scope | Process of Elimination November 14, 2014

[…] Why does it take so long to get over N abuse? from Let Me Reach […]

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raven29726 November 4, 2014

I have spent a good amount of time reading this web site. I now see clearly what has been going on in my life with all the crazy making behaviour. I was told every day that I was delusional and needed help. The highs and the lows the game playing the deceit the lies and betrayel. I started doing some research, and found out he was still tracking and talking to his ex’s. I also found out he was having an affair,( he would call me on the way to her house and always tell me he loved me) and presented him with her name. I was wearing his engagement ring, he was wearing a wedding band, and bought me a cheap wedding set that he presented to me on Christmas morning, I even have a wedding dress in my closet. The date came and went, my story isn’t that different from all that I have been reading here. I found out he slipped that wedding ring off and stuck it in the ash tray when he went to see her. The whole relationship is a lie and the double talk and drama is endless. I found out where she lived and paid her a visit and got an ear full. She dumped him and he is still chasing her as well. I now understand narcissistic supply, he has trapped his son, let a woman move in knowing they weren’t using birth control she got preg. she got an abortion and got away. He repeated the script with another young woman she got pregnant they got married neither one has a job. She has no car, no licence, no diploma, and no help in getting any of those things. His narcissistic supply for admiration is secure. Now the X wife who escaped comes to stay at his place for a month every 3 months.. She is retrapped also. She is one major meds for depression, 5 suicide attempts and on disability and 12 years later talks about what he did to her like it was yesterday and I listened…. Now I am reading….. I need to learn about this no contact rule…. He is systematically distroying my life. Comes here eats my food, stays for days and has never contributed to a single bill, its 4 1/2 years now. Picks fights yells and screams and then disappears….. I will stop here… Their is always a woman in the wings. My story fits this blog.

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[…] Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse […]

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[…] Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse […]

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Dr. Nicholas Jenner September 11, 2014

Reblogged this on Dr Nicholas Jenner PsyD MA and commented:
Excellent article!

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[…] Why Does it Take So Long? Emotional Healing after Narcissistic Abuse (letmereach.com) […]

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blackswan August 29, 2014

I can not emotionally detach myself from my NARC. He is currently giving me the silent treatment silent because he said something that I felt was insensitive. I jokingly said, “you didn’t have to cut so deep”. Then he said I’m going to take a shower and that was three weeks ago. I feel like an even bigger dumbass because I paid his phone bill a few days before this happen and mind you I am a single mom of three. I have been calling texting relentlessly to no avail. This is not the first time, but each time it hurts more and more. I know that I am EMPATH. I feel like my life is a curse at times. People generally are drawn to me and my personality. I use to be soooo full of joy and happiness. No I feel like I just go through the motions. I know that he is purposely hurting me. But I know why I am still affected. My emotions are out of whack, I feel depressed and I am tired of being this way but I feel like I don’t know how to pull myself up out of this abyss. I use to have an amazing confidence, now it’s non-existent. I feel like I would do anything for this person and he is never willing to do anything for me.

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    Anonymous July 22, 2015

    I see your story is about a year old but I have to respond with a slim hopeful chance that you get an alert from responses to your post. I would love to see how you’re doing. Your story is goose bumpy identical to mine and the phone bill scenario just knocked me down because that’s exactly where my 2 year narc left me standing. Convinced me that she needed it paid for Dr. Office call for her son and also used the whole “I won’t be able to talk to you” (to work on getting back together) I paid phone bill, haven’t heard from her since.

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      Anonymous September 12, 2015

      This website/blog is such a gift ! I just ended my Narc battle after 4 years. I am also a mental health provider who ignored the warning signs exhibited after the 1st month; I allowed myself to be duped by the false charisma. I am ashamed to say he did not pay rent (he was paying rent for his 25 year old Narc son) & I paid for his health insurance (which I recently discontinued). I just started Prozac, have joined a new gym, am seeing a therapist (who I think is great) and am taking a language class. All good stuff. However, I’ve kept myself in limbo because I have kept contact w/ my Narc by email; big mistake. When others, like Aves have emphasized NO CONTACT they mean NO CONTACT. Until you FULLY implement NO CONTACT the healing process will be delayed. I can’t imagine how hard it must be when there are children involved. I am truly impressed by the strength and wisdom of the many contributers to this blog, you have been my guide and a true inspiration !

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 12, 2015

        Thank you for sharing your story, Someone. I’m glad you are doing so many good things for yourself…and yes. No Contact is truly THE only way to distance oneself from the toxic relationship and gain some clarity. It does take more discipline if there are children involved, as you aptly stated. It took me longer to heal because of shared custody…but I did it, as have others 🙂

        Reply
emergingfromthedarknight August 29, 2014

Thanks for this. Its excellent. I especially loved that you validate the amount of grief involved. And the advice about focusing on caring for and loving ourselves is just so important. Even long years out of such relationships I can still move back into self blame at times. This is one of the best sites on what it takes to heal. <3

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    Kim Saeed September 24, 2014

    Thank you, Emerging. I’m so glad my site has been helpful to you, and your comments are encouragement for me to sally forth with my efforts <3

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Yasmin August 29, 2014

I think deep down I already knew in my heart I was dealing with a narcissist. I work as a clinician in the mental health field, so I am both ashamed and amazed at myself at my choice and ability to turn a blind eye to the red flags. Although I had only been involved with this man for 5 months, I can honestly say I have never felt pain like it. He was very clever. Infact he even told me he would hurt me, as he always ends up hurting everyone in the end. I guess because I loved him so much, and I thought that I could help him, due to my own profession and background, and also my refusal to LISTEN, I just blanked out the warnings. On one occasion I gave him a small surprise present and card, and his reaction was astoundingly cruel. He told me he didn’t like surprises from anyone, and it wasn’t anything personal but he never had, even from his family. I was so excited to give him the gift, and just couldn’t comprehend the lack of emotion and the way he almost verbally threw it back in my face. Then when I got upset, he just shrugged, and said ‘I warned you didn’t I that this would happen that you would end up getting hurt, and you wouldn’t listen. Then there were the numerous times he described himself as a ‘predator’. He highlighted that he had never pursued a female in his life, that he wouldn’t know how, and of course, it was true I did initiate and pursue with him. Sexually he made me feel like I was a crack addict begging for my next fix. He would flirt, then with-hold any physical contact, and claim he had only come to see me to hang out. He knows I am a very affectionate person, and even when he walked through the door he would always walk past me, and say things like ‘Oh Im just not that type of affectionate person. Either him or me would agree to end things, and then it was usually me who would initiate contact. Last week I was unwell with stomach pain. I have a previous history of colon cancer, and we have been back in each others lives. So we were texting and as usual it was all about him, his day, his problems. I mentioned I wasn’t feeling well. His response. ‘Oh ok, a bottle of tequila should do the trick’. So I messaged back and said that I was hoping for more of a concerned response. He then texted and said ‘You just don’t get me trying to be jovial do you. I was so upset, I tried to call him, and left a very tearful, bewildered message on his phone. I then got a text which said. ‘After that voice message I don’t know what you want me to say, Im not a dr, it seems like I cant be myself around anyone anymore, so Im going to just take care of my damn self, and stay away from certain people for good. If tequila don’t work, paracetamol may help’. I later tried to call him, and begged him to come and see me when he finished work. He said … ‘No, I will come and see you at some point in the week when I can’. And at around 3am in the morning I sent him a text, and said.. I know you were coming round later this week, but that wont be necessary. I wish you well, and send you love’. I knew if I saw him it would be pointless trying to get him to take any responsibility. He claims he has never loved anyone in his life other than his dad who passed away ten years ago, and his motor cycle. Inspite of having been in two long term relationships, he claims never to have loved anyone. He told me he doesn’t understand what that means and has no concept of it. When I sent the message telling him not to come round, I received one the next day that simply said… ‘that’s fine’. Never asking me how I was feeling or anything. I don’t know if it makes it worse in some ways that he told me he would hurt me, and that he had never loved anybody, and didn’t understand it. Its almost like he was either testing me to see how far Id go, and how much control he could get. On one occasion when he was stating his uncertainty about being with me, and confusion, I asked what he meant. He replied ‘Don’t worry, this predator aint dead yet’. His reply of ‘that’s fine’, came two days ago. I haven’t heard a word from him, and have not contacted him at all. Im unsure as to whether he is doing the silent treatment punishment thing, but Im not contacting him so if he is, maybe he is trying to regain control, and punish me for telling him I didn’t want to see him.

Thoughts anyone????

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    aves September 6, 2014

    Dear, Yasmin.

    You need to not only back off, you need to vanish completely. You are addicted to this guy and it shows. He’s already had the decency to tell you how badly he’s going to damage you and yet, you refuse to believe him!

    You still expect him to behave like a well-adjusted, emotionally, healthfully ordered human being! You expect him to take responsibility, remain accountable, demonstrate empathy and express remorse for his behaviour. He is incapable of doing any of this because he is not like the rest of humanity, he is not wired the same way we are. He is a narcissist.

    You need to cut off ALL contact. That’s my primary thought. You need to vanish and not allow him to reach you. Cutting him out of your life is going to suck big time, and quite frankly, the pain you’re feeling right now will ramp up and it will be far, far worse. It will feel like you’re going to die, and in a way, you must.

    You need to go through all the symptoms of a chemical dependency withdrawal, much like a heroin addict attempting to kick his habit. In a real way, you need to stop “using” and the first and most powerful way to do that is to cut off all contact. You need to do NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.

    The good news is that the excruciating, mind-blowing pain you are going to feel will end, unlike the hell you’re experiencing right now. In time, and with an unflagging dedication to loving yourself, the pain will go go away, you will get yourself back and you will live and love again.

    But first – NO CONTACT.

    Aves

    Reply
      Kim Saeed September 24, 2014

      I couldn’t have said it better myself, Aves. You have a wonderful comprehension of the dynamics involved (and necessary steps) with Narcissistic abuse. Thank you for commenting <3

      Reply
        deb2114 July 15, 2016

        I went through all what Yasmin has, for 6 years, all that and then some. I was ok before I met him, believe I am quite intelligent and wasn’t vulnerable, he stormed into my life, love-bombed me, and then it started. After 6 years and numerous attempts at half-hearted no contact, I finally got so low I could barely get out of bed in the morning, Thats when I knew I had to get him out of my life for good. I blocked all channels of communication. I used to cry every night, wondering what I’d done to deserve it, the day I blocked him out I never cried again. I struggled for awhile, felt ashamed but I picked myself up and I got there after just a few weeks I felt so strong again. And here I am two years later, never give him a second thought anymore!

        Reply
      Carrie May 22, 2015

      Perfectly stated! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Not sure she knows really what’s she’s dealing with. I will pray for her.

      Reply
    Anonymous June 29, 2015

    Wow! Your story is unbelievable. I felt like I was reading my life story.I’m going through the same thing with the person I’m seeing if that’s what we want to call it…Its so confusing and feels so terrible.I realize in the mist of being in this dysfunctional relationship that he has bigger problems than I do and that this will follow him for the rest of his life .He chooses not to get help with his problem…but I’ve done some deep thinking and My concern now is how do I repair myself..I can’t fix him at all ,and its not my job to try anymore…your guy Is just dissapearing because its convenient for him remember they don’t ever think of us. I’m so sorry you’re going through this I understand your pain and confusion.the only thing I’m doing right now is reading up as much information on narcissist behaviourI’m trying to get better for myself I wish you the same

    Reply
    cristianedawning July 5, 2015

    ” Oh ok, a bottle of tequila should do the trick” …Pleace block him. I know exactly what you felt while writing this – how are you now?
    We were addicted and brainwashed -manipulated and abused, NEVER Again another predator! Message mw if you ever need to – Seems like we met the same clone. My EX reply to- that I wanted him to stop use my netlix – because it felt like costant communication in his radio silence of me – while testing ( his words) the married woman I later found out about too …he texted back “Yeah I know it is hard to get over me, but take a vodka shot whenever you use your nettles -that might help” WOW fucking devil! Finally totally DONE with the Narcissist ! I feel shame how dumb I was – totally perplexed! Now, I see threw him, nothing will make me miss anything he is.

    Reply
    Terry August 4, 2015

    You were lucky as I believe you were dealing with someone who is an extravert narcissist instead of the coverts who won’t tell you what they are doing. And with your professional skills were able to see what was happening. Great that you were able to see through it.

    Reply
    Sam ing September 15, 2015

    Yasmin, it sounds like you are punishing yourself by being involved with the devil. You have really kept hitting yourself in the head. He loves your pain. Evil

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    Sana September 18, 2015

    Yasmin can you tell me the name of him?

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    Anonymous December 13, 2015

    I experienced on “Christmas Day”, not only “I can’t accept this gift, why did you purchase that for me?” Plus, not a single thing did he think of to gift to me, nothing! Why do I still hurt after over a year? Why does he still get into my mind? He would not accept my gift to him! He told me to take it back! He ended up taking it back and having the refund sent back in my name. I finally had enough courage to leave my own house, taking with me words I have not forgotten! “What did you ever do for me!” “What did you ever bring to the table!” “What did you ever contribute!” “You are a gold digger!” He also threatened my daughter and her family!
    He is a bad man! However, if I were to talk about it with anyone he knows, they would never believe me. He acts like he is so generous! He said, “I treated you like a princess.” I know I need to move forward and I know I need to find happiness, it is so hard to not think about it. It is so hard not understanding why he didn’t see everything I did. All I wanted was a pat on the back, “thank you for being here for me.” Thank you for everything we have been through together.
    Thanks for listening.
    Maritza

    Reply
    Sophia August 27, 2016

    “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them.” I believe it was the poet Maya Angelou who said that, and it’s wise advice.

    Detachment will give you clarity and sanity. No contact is the best thing you could do. You won’t find peace as long as you have any ties to him.

    Reply
bamboozled1 August 28, 2014

totally agree with not researching narcs… at some point though, you do figure out what you need to know and how it has affected you… to snap myself out of it i replaced the word narcissist with *sick little boy* lol. because crying narc all the time just kept me in that im the victim and abused loop… it took a while to get over feeling sorry for the sick little boy as well… and i do still have my moments… although its largely due to being the mother of his sons and, especially when the oldest does things that remind me of him i get all worrisome again, blerk… so now much of my focus goes toward them, and hopefully doing the best i can to make sure they dont grow up to be TOADS!!!! is that a fairytale reference? im not sure… anywho… making this a wart free zone! *fingers crossed*

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Rodolfo Becerra August 28, 2014

I am really feeling it the lies said in court and all the humiliations of 2 yrs it is very hard

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narcopathcrusher August 28, 2014

This article is a gem

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    Kim Saeed August 28, 2014

    Thank you, Narcopathcrusher. Great to see you here. Thanks for stopping by 🙂

    Reply
      narcopathcrusher August 28, 2014

      What do you mean stopping by, i am a faithful acolyte of your blog *follows you for some time*

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 28, 2014

        🙂 I know, it’s just that when you comment, it feels like I’m on a stage and you’ve thrown a rose 🙂

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Jayme Hawkinson August 27, 2014

Thank you so much, Kim… Once again, your timing and subject matter is impeccable!..

I can not begin to express how much I appreciate your posts!.. Each and every one of them has given me the strength to carry on, even when I fall in “pot holes” along the way…

You’re a “Cyber Soul Sister!!!!

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caz August 27, 2014

hi ive just finished 10 sessions with a psych to get over narc to no avail. What are your thoughts on using anti depressants to get through this extremely difficult time

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    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Caz, if you are having a difficult time with the symptoms you’ve developed from abuse, you may want to consider some type of medication to help. Also, it might be worth checking out other therapists. Many of them don’t have applicable experience to help patients overcome Narcissistic abuse, but there are some good ones out there…you just have to find them. Best wishes <3

    Reply
betternotbroken August 27, 2014

I love that quote! But then if you had high-self esteem would you surround yourselves with assholes? I am finding that the answer to that is no. Great post, it helped as usual.

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