Sex and intimacy are important in any mutually loving relationship. And while they are each separate elements to a successful connection with a partner, today’s focus will be on the subject of sex. And Narcissists.
Narcissists and sex.
For many of you reading this article, you may have felt a twinge of dread, sadness, anger, shame…or a combination of these emotions.
Because to the Narcissist, sex is another tool for manipulation, control, exploitation, and destroying the self-esteem of their partner(s). In most cases, there’s serial cheating, withholding affection, degrading requests, porn addiction, and verbal assaults.
Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, they’re such skilled lovers that their partners often stay in the abusive relationship because they’ve never had it so good, which creates a twisted dynamic leading to self-loathing, guilt, and shame.
Somatic (overt, and similar to the histrionic) – The somatic Narcissist is all about the body – what it looks like, what it can do, and using their sexual prowess to gain Narcissistic supply. Somatic types are often big into sports, working out at the gym, and adorning their physique with clothes that accentuate their efforts.
He or she is sexually hyperactive and often very boastful of their sexual conquests, believing the more, the better. They are never faithful to their partners and enjoy seducing people who are married, virgins, homosexual, and anyone who presents a carnal challenge. They may have cosmetic surgery to refine and sculpt their body in order to attract more targets.
In the bedroom, Somatics seem to be very good lovers; magical and intimate…at least, in the beginning. In the same way they learned to be charming while weaving in and out of society, they’ve also learned how to be good in bed. Though as time passes, the Somatic’s partner begins to feel like an object that the Narcissist uses to “pleasure themselves”. Sex with a Somatic ultimately morphs into something cold, emotionless, and shame-inducing.
Once the relationship begins to sour, the Somatic’s true colors begin to show. This can manifest in several ways including their partner discovering the Narcissist’s porn addiction, multiple affair partners, online dating profiles, and degrading requests to do bizarre, uncomfortable, and emotionally traumatizing sexual acts.
Both the Somatic and Cerebral Narcissist prefer self-gratification to sex with a partner, typically only engaging in sex to secure supply. Often, the male Somatic narcissist has been fapping for so long due to their porn addiction, they develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction. Subsequently, they blame their unsuspecting partner for their inability to perform; instilling the false belief in the said partner that they are no longer desirable. (This goes for females, too!)
The Somatic narcissist is able to comprehend that their sexual conquests are frowned upon by society in general, so they often try to convince their partners that they have a sexual addiction. They go even further by insisting that their partner(s) accept this about them and try to be flexible and understanding.
Cerebral – The Cerebral narcissist can be charming and sexual during the idealization phase, but their primary game is to flaunt their intellect, career and/or academic achievements in order to entice their supply source…the perfect fantasy for sapiophiles.
While they can initially put on a decent show in the bedroom, it soon becomes obvious they have no interest in sex. Ironically, the Cerebral narcissist may seem insatiable in the beginning of the relationship, but that’s likely because they experienced a devastating life event prior to, forcing him or her to seek immediate supply, which they are able to experience by having frequent sex, sometimes with various partners.
Many targets of the Cerebral narcissist have the complaint that their partner withholds sex from them as a form of punishment and/or control. This is absolutely true, but it’s important to also consider that the Cerebral narcissist simply deplores sex. They believe acting upon animalistic, sexual urges is beyond them, and prefer to masturbate to satisfy themselves instead of “going feral” with a person they consider to be below them. In fact, they often acquire partners as a cover in order to fend off advances from other underlings of society.
So, when it appears the Cerebral is withholding sex, often it’s just because they have no desire for it, and being a Narcissist, couldn’t care less about their partner’s desire for it. In fact, to the Cerebral Narcissist, their partner’s urges are abhorrent in his or her eyes, causing them to withdraw further.
The Cerebral’s partner may notice that the narcissist has many time-consuming hobbies, initiates big projects that take up much time and energy, and tends to let their appearance go. These are all covert ways to be absent and unattractive in hopes of driving away the “used-up, lowly” supply source.
Whether somatic or cerebral, both types of Narcissist enjoy using sex to control, degrade, tease, and punish their targets. If you are made to feel undesirable, and those insecurities are being reinforced by the person you’re with – a partner who criticizes you or makes you feel inadequate – it’s time to consider an exit and no contact plan.
Get your very own No Contact Questionnaire and see how your life could be different after going No Contact.