Narcissists and the Sex Agenda

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Sep 05
Narcissists and Sex

Sex and intimacy are important in any mutually loving relationship.  And while they are each separate elements to a successful connection with a partner, today’s focus will be on the subject of sex.  And Narcissists.

Narcissists and sex.

For many of you reading this article, you may have felt a twinge of dread, sadness, anger, shame…or a combination of these emotions.

Why?

Because to the Narcissist, sex is another tool for manipulation, control, exploitation, and destroying the self-esteem of their partner(s).  In most cases, there’s serial cheating, withholding affection, degrading requests, porn addiction, and verbal assaults.  

Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, they’re such skilled lovers that their partners often stay in the abusive relationship because they’ve never had it so good, which creates a twisted dynamic leading to self-loathing, guilt, and shame.

The Narcissist in the Bedroom

Somatic (overt, and similar to the histrionic) – The somatic Narcissist is all about the body – what it looks like, what it can do, and using their sexual prowess to gain Narcissistic supply.  Somatic types are often big into sports, working out at the gym, and adorning their physique with clothes that accentuate their efforts.

He or she is sexually hyperactive and often very boastful of their sexual conquests, believing the more, the better.  They are never faithful to their partners and enjoy seducing people who are married, virgins, homosexual, and anyone who presents a carnal challenge.  They may have cosmetic surgery to refine and sculpt their body in order to attract more targets.

In the bedroom, Somatics seem to be very good lovers; magical and intimate…at least, in the beginning.  In the same way they learned to be charming while weaving in and out of society, they’ve also learned how to be good in bed.  Though as time passes, the Somatic’s partner begins to feel like an object that the Narcissist uses to “pleasure themselves”.  Sex with a Somatic ultimately morphs into something cold, emotionless, and shame-inducing.

Once the relationship begins to sour, the Somatic’s true colors begin to show.  This can manifest in several ways including their partner discovering the Narcissist’s porn addiction, multiple affair partners, online dating profiles, and degrading requests to do bizarre, uncomfortable, and emotionally traumatizing sexual acts.

Both the Somatic and Cerebral Narcissist prefer self-gratification to sex with a partner, typically only engaging in sex to secure supply.  Often, the male Somatic narcissist has been fapping for so long due to their porn addiction, they develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction.  Subsequently, they blame their unsuspecting partner for their inability to perform; instilling the false belief in the said partner that they are no longer desirable.  (This goes for females, too!)

The Somatic narcissist is able to comprehend that their sexual conquests are frowned upon by society in general, so they often try to convince their partners that they have a sexual addiction.  They go even further by insisting that their partner(s) accept this about them and try to be flexible and understanding.

Cerebral – The Cerebral narcissist can be charming and sexual during the idealization phase, but their primary game is to flaunt their intellect, career and/or academic achievements in order to entice their supply source…the perfect fantasy for sapiophiles.  

While they can initially put on a decent show in the bedroom, it soon becomes obvious they have no interest in sex.  Ironically, the Cerebral narcissist may seem insatiable in the beginning of the relationship, but that’s likely because they experienced a devastating life event prior to, forcing him or her to seek immediate supply, which they are able to experience by having frequent sex, sometimes with various partners.

Many targets of the Cerebral narcissist have the complaint that their partner withholds sex from them as a form of punishment and/or control.  This is absolutely true, but it’s important to also consider that the Cerebral narcissist simply deplores sex.  They believe acting upon animalistic, sexual urges is beyond them, and prefer to masturbate to satisfy themselves instead of “going feral” with a person they consider to be below them.  In fact, they often acquire partners as a cover in order to fend off advances from other underlings of society.  

So, when it appears the Cerebral is withholding sex, often it’s just because they have no desire for it, and being a Narcissist, couldn’t care less about their partner’s desire for it.  In fact, to the Cerebral Narcissist, their partner’s urges are abhorrent in his or her eyes, causing them to withdraw further.

The Cerebral’s partner may notice that the narcissist has many time-consuming hobbies, initiates big projects that take up much time and energy, and tends to let their appearance go.  These are all covert ways to be absent and unattractive in hopes of driving away the “used-up, lowly” supply source.

Different, yet one in the same

Whether somatic or cerebral, both types of Narcissist enjoy using sex to control, degrade, tease, and punish their targets.  If you are made to feel undesirable, and those insecurities are being reinforced by the person you’re with – a partner who criticizes you or makes you feel inadequate – it’s time to consider an exit and no contact plan.

Copyright Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach 2017

Reeling from the effects of a deceitful lover?  Grab your No Contact Questionnaire below and see how detaching from painful love can change your life!

How would going No Contact Change Your Life?

Woman_pondering_and_walking

Get your very own No Contact Questionnaire and see how your life could be different after going No Contact.

Powered by ConvertKit
Follow

About the Author

Leave a Comment:

(58) comments

Kelly December 11, 2017

My narc hubby rarely wants sex with me & only when im asleep!! No physical contact at all on daily basis. Turns his back on me in bed and most of time fully clothed!!

Reply
Donna September 25, 2017

My narc husband wasn’t much interested in sex yet he was addicted to porn and was sexually verbal and physically would grab me sexually. I thought it was his porn addiction acting out. He really doesn’t fit either description. Neither does my ex who was also a narcissist. I do know it was empty and void of emotion. With both. What was I thinking?! Ugh.

Reply
the butcher July 8, 2017

was 3 years in a relationship ,and after reading these articles im positively convinced ,my ex girlfriend was narcasistic,sex addict .text book case,its left me on my knees.inconsolable.as my gut feeling. turned investigation found my worst nightmares had come to life. i found her on dating websites . brothel websites,then the penny dropped all those hours,wierd hours at times spent having coffee dates and of course shopping,etci trusted the award winning actress with my life,so never questioned it consciously
anyway. phone always off ,but was never off it ,you could refer to text book lies and deciept for the rest ,so i now know.so then the approach,heres my evidence what the fuck[evidence being photos,posts,introductions,describing her life storiries,fettishes and kryptonites to a T .inscripted jewellry,ect no mistake it was her /she replies dont be so riddiculous iwouldnt be so discusting,what did u see one of the girls in the photos working whos names incidently are all the girls names in our family including my daughter, or just my cars not at home ive told you its over, goin get some help believe it if you want so im standing there a trained fighter light heavy weight trembling with fear like a church mouse.no admission no remorse, she went straight to the police and took an avo against me for wanting an answer and so i couldnt catch in the act never been caught ever.i loved this whatever or who ever she is so passionately she only got love not a hint of violence.so as im on myt knees shes requested i no longer go anywhere near her the house where my life was my belongings,but to the police with compassion from her heart points toward councilling for me.as far as i knew 3 weeks ago we were experiencing some financial and social issues as i was struck down with illness but the wedding plans hadnt been changed.from the love of her life ,scene to ;nwhat felt like a death sentence,boom just like that.ive stopped sobbing for the time ive written this .my heart is crushed my mind cant process it my body has collapsed.i think back and my subconscious was keeping a diary un beknowns to me, with this article being the final piece to the puzzle,restores what liitle sanity i have left, now to face it ,thankyou from the pieces of my heart

Reply
    Val July 9, 2017

    Im sorry you are in this CrAzY situation. I understand how vulnerable, confused, hurt and shocked you must feel. In time and with effort you and your life will improve. Try to understand that even tho you have been victimized you are not a victom. It is a sad fact of life that there are bad people who do bad things. Unfortunately the ones who are highly skilled seldom get caught. These people know how to push buttons and pull strings so well that no one is safe. Every single person in the world has charater trates. These bad people know how to play character trates. It is not your weakness that attracted this bad person to you; it is your strength (Your ablity to be amazing.) So dont blame yourself. Do take responsibility now that you are aware. Responsibility for yourself. Take the hard knocks life has fed you and grow stronger and wiser. Realize and internalize the amazing qualities that made you attractive. Pack them , you and all your stuff and leave asap. Leave on every level. Detach from the narc. Detach from the past. Pick you, your amazingness and your life up and move forward on to bigger and better things. Bad things happen; this is true. Good things can happen too. Let them. Dont stay caught in the CrAzY. Brighter days are ahead.

    Reply
CJ May 27, 2017

I’d love to see an article on how female narcissists use sex on male targets.

Reply
    Kim Saeed May 27, 2017

    CJ, in my experience working with male clients and from the limited research I’ve done, most narcissistic women possess histrionic traits, meaning they use sex to lure and trap people into relationships with them. I’ve written some articles about the female narcissist, though I haven’t a large library because my expertise lies in how male narcissists operate since that was my experience.

    The topic of abuse and manipulation by female narcissists is so overwhelming to me, I’d have to take a year off in order to research and write about it with the level of authority required.

    You can find the articles I do have by searching for “female narcissists” or “narcissistic women”. Good luck…

    Kim

    Reply
      Nithya August 20, 2017

      Hi,
      I have been deserted by my suspected narcissist husband for 9 months now at my parents’ house with no contact.He’s just been hiding with his protective parents who kept lying to police about his whereabouts.Now after filing missing complaint and a dowry case and a supreme court judgement,he attended counselling after getting anticipatory bail.He has physically abused me 21/2 yrs ago.I now have permanent soft tissue damage in neck and constant pain and ringing in ears.
      We lived in Sydney for 4 yrs during our whole time where this happened.I called the police there but couldn’t register a complaint.Now,he says he doesn’t want to divorce me but says i wasnt hepling witg domestic work.This really happened after my injury.Now i have to lie down for most time to avoid pain.
      He hasn’t gone for any work for a year now and said to the counsellor he had got fed up with life.I have real apprehensions getting back to live with him because to get him to confess this far I had to run pillar to post to get justice all the while when he was conveniently hiding.
      How am I to proceed with this case? Pls advice.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed August 21, 2017

        Hi Nithya, I would not advise going back to live with him. If he abused you and refuses to get real help, then it’s very likely he would assault you again.

        Regarding how to proceed with your case, I would recommend hiring an attorney. I wish I could help, but I’m not at all familiar with the laws in Sydney, Australia. Wishing you all the best.

        Kim

        Reply
Anonymous May 4, 2017

I have a question, are Narcissist either/or Cerebral or Somatic or is it possible they are neither?

Reply
    Donna September 25, 2017

    Good question. My narc husband, towards the end, asked me a few days after my mom died in our home (I was her caregiver) if I was ‘useful again yet?’ (Sexually) and referred to me as a ‘resource’ to him. So I don’t know how that fits in with the two examples given. He is a porn addict. Constant inuendos about sex. A few perversion things he wanted me to do. It was not fun with him.

    Reply
Val May 3, 2017

I’m sorry you went thru that. Sex is part of a healthy relationship. It is important. It is very confusing and hurtful to be rejected. My bf was great to begin with. No stud. Just an affectionate normal partner. Although he did play the innocent card a lot. Then the rejection started. First he was preoccupied with work, then it was his arthritis pain, then I was told that love doesn’t have to be expressed sexually. Mostly he just rejected me by giving me the silent treatment. I ended up feeling very put down, ashamed, frustrated, angry, hurt and rejected. I eventually found out while he was moving me in he was asking another woman out and had another on the line for over 10 years. He is 61 years old. He would refuse to have sex with me then play with himself when i left the room.Ive researched lots to understand what was and is happening. For a long time I felt like I was to blame. Now I realize that he is… to put it bluntly.. f’d in the head! He is the only person that exists and everything and everyone else measly props in his one man play. I think his 5 year old grand daughter put it best when she called him Mom’s Dad and not Grandpa. Out of the mouths of babes. Some how that small child could understand that he is in a world of his own when I couldn’t. She doesn’t even attempt to interact with him and he can’t even remember her Birthday or middle name even tho they see each other weekly. The destruction of a narcissist reaches far beyond the bedroom and affects everyone they come into contact with. But that only matters to the rest of the world because it does not bother them one bit. In fact it gives them pleasure. That is what they get off on. Not sex, affection, mutual love, intimacy or partnership and family. They get off on being in control and feeling superior. They get off on gas lighting, destroying people and playing the victom. Caught mine telling his adult daughter about my criminal record… I don’t have a criminal record. At first I thought it was something personal about me. Now I realize it’s not personal because to him I am not a person. His daughter and grand daughter are not people. He is the only person. Now I’m stuck here with him. My money is gone. Job gone. Friends gone. Family gone. But I’m not gone. I’m here. I understand. I’m strong. I am rebuilding. I will leave when I’m ready and can do so without further hurting myself. I don’t get angry and hurt anymore by what he does or doesn’t do. I accept him for what and who he is… a bad person. Soon I will be able to leave. And when I do I won’t give him a second thought except to be proud of myself for surviving and thriving againts the odds. He will always stay stuck in his sick reality of ridgid control. I on the other hand can laugh and play and live all of the days of my life regardless of challenges and obstacles. I hope everyone who reads this realizes that the narcissist reality only matters if you let it. They only have power if you give your power up. I am grateful for this experience. It isn’t what I planned or hoped for. It is what happened and it has made me a better, stronger, wiser person. So he can go right ahead and think what ever he wants cuz so can I. I chose to think that I am a good person. I choose to act like a good person. I choose to be happy. I can’t control other people nor do I want to. I can control me. The bottom line for me is he can think he is the puppet master all day every day. It just doesn’t matter. I am the boss of me. No one said life would be easy. But why be easy when you can be amazing! Take any struggle that comes your way and turn it into strength and you will win self-respect every time. Best wishes.

Reply
    Elizabeth May 9, 2017

    Amazing testimonial, you sound as though you have handled it in a great way, and grown because of your experience, and I very much like the strength both of your stance and the way you have expressed how it has been for you. It’s great to read about someone who has taken good from the trauma and not deviated from their own path, yes, it is all in the head. Thank you for your inspiring account.

    Reply
    Jay September 21, 2017

    You will never know how soothing, inspiring, and insightful you post is. the Universe and I thank you for it. I am going through it as well. At first I thought I just had to work on a bad relationship, as I delved deeper into my research, I discovered the demon I loved. Not anymore. Like you, I am stronger, wiser. I am planning my escape, it will be brilliant. I have my little troops who are coming with me {my kids ), I will not leave them with that thing I once called a wife.

    Reply
Stephanie August 10, 2016

My narc has sought out more sexual supply than I can count. He has admitted it to many people, but he moved us to a new town (actually a whole new state) 7 years ago. His new supply is fleeing a narc and has jumped right into the arms of another. But she thinks he is a faithful and loving man who is fleeing a crazy wife. He has played to game so well and worked his plan for a very long time. She is in for an enormous surprise. I don’t know whether to hate her or feel sorry for her.

Reply
autumninlaAutumn July 27, 2016

I am so happy to have found this post. Thank you. I was involved with a Narc for 3 1/2 years and fortunately due to a health crisis (breast cancer ended up being a gift really) it made avoiding him totally possible. However, now I am in therapy trying to make sense of my choice to remain with him even for that bit of time. He is a fitness trainer and definitely had spent a life devoted to his physical form –even modeling at one time– and no doubt derived narcissistic supply from being the object of male and female appreciation. After an initially sexually engaging phase early on –like in the first month– he started to claim to have little interest in sex as a 50 year old man, that due to early physical abuse he needed to feel safe, that he had exhausted him self sexually as a younger man….I allowed myself to be that tool or extension of masturbation– my needs were not at all part of his sexual attention. It was more as if I was given the distinct privilege of performing acts on him for his gratification. My disillusionment came when having never snooped at his place…I went to retrieve a suitcase I was borrowing and found a cache of porn and a huge realistic looking dildo. He told me not to look any further into the closet or else I’d “really be upset”– I never asked what that meant, but knowing he had questioned his sexuality as a younger man had had a relationship with an abusive gay man. I could only guess that what he meant was that I’d find gay porn. I was too stunned and shocked to even speak. I had tried to over the years to expand our own connection with offering up the suggestion to try different things and he always blew me off like I was crazy. Anyhow, things definitely went downhill after that…I waited for him to be ready to talk about it…he never was…again..he “needed to feel safe” to open up (forget that my trust had been violated…I felt like I had been cheated on…him with himself. A month later he came at me physically for the 4th and final time. I insisted we go to therapy, and we did for a bit, but fortunately I woke up and left. As I try to understand how I found myself with this person, I see that he actually showed signs of both being a somatic Narc and a cerebral. Just curious if you have encountered much of this dual type personality or if other people have as well. He definitely does not fit squarely in one or the other.

Reply
Barb July 10, 2016

Wow, I have been with my husband almost 3 years and to say the least we will not make it to our anniversary since I have filed for a divorce. My husband would always love taking pictures while we were intimate and after the first year of marriage I found out why. He used my photos without my head in the pictures on different sites like tumblr, flicker, yahoo..etc to find other couples interested in so called kinky get togethers. I came home from a trip and he was just so happy couldn’t figure out why so while he was in the shower I grabbed his phone and noticed he was on twitter along with all my photos. Needless to say I was shocked to say the least and ran to the bathroom to confront him why all my pictures were on this website. He was trying to convince me that we had set this page up together. He had been on there for 8 months before he got caught. I, to this day do not trust this man it breaks my heart knowing that I am about to go through this divorce but I know it’s the best thing for me as he keeps stating nothing is wrong with him. He is in denial and sees no harm in what he has been doing probably since day one. I have started reading about somatic narcissist and this is who he is!! It is a very sad way of living for him because he will never find true happiness. On our wedding night he was trying to get me to drive home naked and flash truck drivers and show them that I was naked. To this day, he has ruined my relationships with my friends my grown children don’t even come around anymore. That should have been my first big red flag but I was stupid and caught up in his web only to be let down so many more times. I am finding the strength and finally going through what should have been done long time ago!!

Reply
Deb October 13, 2015

Oh my soul…mine was not ever a good lover in the bedroom. He had me thinking that you had to wait to get into bed to touch. All he wanted was to be able to play with my large bosom and to have sex with me. He wanted to fulfill his lust with my body.
I had not been married before. I thought this was how it should be and then I found out the truth. Things did not change.
After we had been married for several years, he wanted me to (try something) while we were in bed. I did not know what he was talking about. I still don’t know and don’t want to know.
I remember on our wedding night, in his words….(he had to get in there). Once we had sex, very uncomfortable for me, he made a statement….(once you get inside, they are all the same).
I apologize for sounding gross and being off color.
I just thought that here is a safe place to say this.

Reply
    Kim Saeed October 13, 2015

    Oh Deb, what a horrible thing for him to say on your wedding night! Mine told me on our honeymoon, “I’ll be so glad when we get a divorce”.

    Are you still with him or have you been able to leave?

    Reply
E July 11, 2015

Mine liked causing me anxiety (not sure if intentional or if his lifestyle was just so super self absorbed that it triggered my own abandonment issues- because let’s face it ladies, we would never tolerate these weirdos if we were emotionally 100% ourselves) and when I would cry and pour my love for him over him like bath water, he would actually get an erection. Me crying telling him how much he worried me because I loved him so much made him hard. At the time I thought he was a sensitive romantic who got off on intimacy like I did. But I don’t think so.

Reply
Olivia Rose June 10, 2015

Mine told me that I was impossible to please in the bedroom, despite the fact that he had a 2 inch penis and a “fuse” that lasted about 30 seconds. Yeah, I was so difficult to please. ha ha ha ha.

Reply
    Anonymous January 22, 2017

    Hahahaha!

    Reply

My narcissist sat in the middle between covert and overt, but his defining sexual characteristics were masturbation and porn addiction.

Good post – you really describe them very well. 🙂

Reply
Dawn D June 8, 2015

Reblogged this on Dawn's Nights.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Thank you for sharing! 🙂

    Reply
betternotbroken June 8, 2015

Reblogged this on betternotbroken and commented:
If you haven’t already, you really should check out Kim’s blog. Healthy, never experienced abuse? That is what most of us at one time or another insisted and yet, here we are, free at last. Kim will help educate you to how people how the narcissist uses more than 50 shades of sex so you can either recover from what has happened to you, identify what is happening to you or prevent it from happening to you all together. Sex is not about control and if it is, sex cools off really fast. Thanks again Kim! Love the new layout!

Reply
Sandy June 5, 2015

Despite tall stories of prowess and claims of being a “machine”,
mine never had a leg to stand on in the bedroom, and by the time our whatevership ended his only contribution was to lay on his back after a viagra. He truly believed I was responsible for his attuned state, and demanded first and best from me every single time. He rarely touched me except to hang on, but if he did try he was sadly inept in my opinion (which is really hard to impress, unfortunately for him) I loved him though, despite his increasing propensity to give me just enough to get me close, then he’d either act like he forgot or couldn’t keep going, and he loved to arrive prematurely in a huge show of fake shaking. This is where his biggest contribution occurred, because he’d bring my tools and advise me to take care of it myself. Then he’d go in another room to watch TV. It’s incredible we lasted 8 years from the sex standpoint alone, as I was always very vocal and opinionated, and freely expressed my frustrations with his shortcomings. I would even assign him a letter grade, and many times he would ask what his grade was before I announced it. He’d been a D and F student all through school before he quit, so he was generally unfazed by these same marks from me. Definitely by the end I was quite vocal and made it clear that in many ways sex with him was just more frustration and pain than it was worth. How odd that I loved him yet, and believed I could go on just being beside him in life. That was something we did not have in common, because if I was unable to “give him a good time”, he didn’t even see fit to come over. Whereas I loved him no matter what his state was, healthy or ill, and wished to be close to him always. He also got a kick out of causing me some kind of emotional pain, then if I cried or became withdrawn, he would announce he didn’t come over for this and was leaving if it didn’t stop. From the outset, he was the only guy I never woke up with, as he had the odd habit of leaving not only the bed but often my house while I was asleep. Many long and painful silent treatments began that perplexing way. Toward the end I did notice a bit of an effect when I would sense his impending disappearing act, but instead of begging him to stay I’d encourage him to leave and tell him I didn’t want him there anyway. It was purely an attempt at reverse psychology on my part, but it did actually work once or twice, which was astounding at the time because all other times, once he decided he was leaving, there was nothing I could do to change his mind.

Reply
narcslayingmommy March 23, 2015

How can there be any intimacy…when they are so self centered. I never had ‘that’ connection with my ex, I just didn’t know what real love was at the time, but i found out that wasn’t it! he wanted sex all the time, to the point I literally hated it, made excuses not to have it…
Our son was once admitted to the hospital, very young..maybe 7 mos. Once they got our son stabalized, in his room, my ex was wanting sex!! he was wanting sex, in the same room as our son, who was laying a few feet from us with the pnumonia! I was mad! I could not imagine doing such a thing. my focus was on our son, not my or his sexual needs. Now, i know why that happened, the attention my son was getting. My husband had to take the backseat…and he wasn’t a happy camper..not being the center of attention as always. this is just one example of his behavior. he used sex for attention and adoration…and wanted to have group sex as well. i believe, he knew i was about to leave him, so…he thought he would see if he could make me do it, before i left him for good. he didn’t realize, he was just pushing me further away, as if that was even possible.No, there was never an intimacy, he didn’t have it in him to form that. Those people are just users, looking to further their false self…by using you as an extension. I wasn’t going to “become” him, or adapt his behaviors.Im just glad i finally left him, so glad! i can’t imagine another moment with him. I hate to even think of those 11 yrs i wasted with him, the abuse i suffered from his evil mind. I did live through it and became determined to have no contact with him at all…totally. I’m sure, he just repeated his behavior with the next victim, that’s what i heard anyways. nothing changes with them, just their lovers…and victims.

Reply
numbness February 1, 2015

I have been involved with what I think is a narc/borderline for nearly five years. I started out very passionately with very intense chemistry. He pursued me relentlessly but there were lots of games from him, push/pull etc. He couldn’t keep his eyes or hands off me, but the first time we got down to it he couldn’t keep in erection. The second time was fine but I had a feeling he had taken something to help as he didn’t lose it at all, not even between finishing and starting again, a few times in a few hours. He always seemed to have an erection though at times when he shouldn’t have.
He would text me things he wanted to do to me, but never did them when we got together. He was also very robotic, and would look away a lot during the act. In public surroundings he would grab me, make suggestive faces, and voice innuendos constantly but not do those things when we got together in private.
Then after all the love bombing, approx three months and telling me he was deeply in love with me, he seemed to back away, all the time telling me every hour of the day that he was crazy about me, confusing to say the least, and the first manipulation tactics that would lead to four years of hell for me.
I was completely in love with him, and for the most part, I really believed he was with me too. Then he started to withold from the intimacy and the sex, and would revert to only texts, using really ridiculous excuses, still telling me he was crazy about me, was missing me etc, and after three years of intermittent passionate episodes, usually lasting around three to four months, and me being so gaslighted and programmed into submission, he has told me he has never really been too bothered about sex??? Could have fooled me,, during those passionate phases he was like a rampant bull! This is because I’ve questioned the fact that whilst he says he is crazy about me, thinks about me and my beautiful sexy body all the time, and wants me badly,(his words not mine) yet he has only initiated it once in over a year!!
He never asked me to do anything degrading though, and actually when I think of it now, it was probably more because of the built up confused emotions and mixed messages that made it feel so amazing to me, and not his ‘lovemaking’ skills.

Reply
    Survivor July 10, 2015

    Wow! You just so accurately described my narc ex WORD for WORD! He would do the EXACT same thing!! I also had where he would initiate intimacy (very very rare occasions) and he would give the impression that something more was going to happen, but then he would just stop and then walk away. But on the side he was chasing another woman (his ex) for intimacy. I later learnt that he had put her through the EXACT same thing as he did me. What these narcs do is SO much damage! It completely changes how we see ourselves as a person, it burns away the very essence of who we are. Especially when it comes to women. It is one of the cruelest most insidious things to do. Worst part about it is, most who have experienced this from a narc will be too ashamed to even speak about this part (myself included) which means the narc keeps going on thinking that he holds the upper hand in getting away with what he is doing. Don’t for one minute think that a narc doesn’t know what he is doing, because they know exactly what they are doing. It’s the ultimate form of control, because it guarantees a “hit”. They get a “hit” from giving you just enough intimacy to keep you hanging on in hope for more. I’m so sorry you had to go through this as well xx

    Reply
      E July 11, 2015

      I used to tell my ex exactly how he made me feel by withholding because I thought I was talking to a reasonable loving person who would hear me. I told him his reactions to my initiating sex and his lack of initiating sex both had me feeling unappreciated and un-feminine. I even turned the tables and asked him how he’d feel if I was pulling that on him, especially since the beginning phase I was led to believe that our sex life would be much more mutual in that regard. he did me the favor of sex once or twice a week.

      Reply
    Anonymous May 2, 2017

    I had exactly the same totally confusing experience!!! It was frustrating…i Left after 1,5 years…with depression, cptsd and sad and very disappointed. But it’s getting better every day!!!

    Reply
JL4754 January 29, 2015

Hi, Kim … I find this article to be very interesting.. Do you believe it is possible for a narc to go between somatic and cerebral? I have seen traits listed under both in the narc I am thinking of… Just wondering what your thoughts were on this?

Thank you!

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 29, 2015

    JL4754, I’ve read material that suggests it’s possible for them to switch depending on their life circumstances, though I’ve not yet worked with anyone whose disordered partner switched between the two types.

    Reply
      E July 11, 2015

      I have! My ex was a bodybuilder who wanted me only when I was a size 2. He freaked the minute I gained five pounds. After fifteen pounds (I had quit smoking) I was told I was losing my appeal! This was after three years of living together as a couple. So he was terribly vain, very duplicitous (I found out he had online profiles at sleazy sex/hookup sites that were really scraping the bottom of the barrel but interestingly enough listed himself as in a relationship) and I know he loved porn (which is something he kept to himself even when I offered to watch some with him) on the other hand he withheld sex and affection as a means of control, often dictating when and where we would do it rather than ever being spontaneous like he was in the beginning. He claimed it was my weight gain sometimes, other times that his sex drive wasn’t what it used to be (but I caught him masturbating several times and his sex drive certainly was much higher just a year or two prior so what an amazing hormonal dip, huh?) I know he’s into sex he’s definitely not asexual and interestingly enough he was a good lover and always respectful, but everything surrounding the act was so weird. He wouldn’t “let me in” on his fantasies (he said they were too dark) or his porn, he would sometimes tell me I made him feel like he was being molested ?! When I would try initiating sex which made me feel like shit. This is coming from a 6’1 230 pound guy. So I see both traits and it’s very confusing. We broke up last summer and I’m still confused about everything. I moved out of the home I helped create and it’s been pretty devastating.

      Reply

[…] behaviors, no amount of counseling or pleading will help. Further, Narcissists are notorious for blaming their partners for their use of porn.  Sadly, most victims go on to accept and normalize this blame.  If this sounds like your […]

Reply
Linda September 22, 2014

Ok I get it.. he sounds like a total ass! My husband is the same way and he cant figure out why I dont want to have sex with him…. uhm lets see… maybe because he is all about himself and has no thought towards doing anything to please me? I once tried to explain to him ( in a very encouraging way ) that it would help get me excited if he would act like he cared about me in the bedroom. he just got mad and proceeded to tell me about how he never has had that problem with any other woman and how they went at it like animals.. hahaha.. Im sure you can imagine how much that turned me on. lol. Keep your chin up Lady… there is someone much better for you out there. It will happen when you least expect it. I want to get rid of my husband in the worst way and I will do it one of these days but I want to make sure it makes an impact on him when I do. 🙂 He is such a Narc that I doubt he even notices when I do leave except to tell his new supply how awful I was… good luck and god bless you and you ARE worthy… he is not worthy of YOU

Reply
Linda September 19, 2014

Not Worthy…. no way. first of all how do you KNOW that they are having great sex? Narcissists are great liars!

Reply
    Not Worthy September 19, 2014

    The first thing he told me about her was “I finally found someone who I can connect with sexually. I can’t get enough of her. I haven’t felt this way in years.” He has told me every aspect of her appearance and anatomy that he finds attractive. With me, all he did was rip me apart from head to toe..only to follow it up with “I was just joking” when I told him to stop. He is not keeping his private life private. He even went so far as to post on social media that his ‘you know what’ was sore from all of the ‘lovin.’, and has posted the amount of times they have had sex in a 24-hour period on several occasions.He has even sent me videos he has recorded on his cell phone of their sessions. That was the last straw. I blocked him after that and we have had no contact since. I still communicate with his teenage daughter, although I have not seen her since her father and I have broken things off. She is very upset because her father wants to visit with her but then ignores her/ditches her to have sex with his gf. He will simply take her into another room close the door and go at it with her with his kids in the house. He sometimes forgets to lock the door and his daughter has walked in on them several times. Now his daughter now wants nothing to do with him and is very upset by the new relationship. It shouldn’t bother me at all since I admit we really had sexual chemistry (although I am not shallow so it was not a deciding factor), and he is clearly a real jerk (I’d like to call him something else).

    Yes, narcissists are great liars, and he lies about a lot of things; but this I believe he is not lying about. It just rubs salt into old wounds.

    Reply
      Not Worthy September 19, 2014

      I meant ‘no real’ sexual chemistry…….

      Reply
      Miss Min June 8, 2015

      He is so, so cruel. Throwing that in your face is unbelievably sadistic. Don’t think for one moment that his new girlfriend won’t be at the receiving end of his emotional sadism in the future. She will. She definitely will, especially since you have now withdrawn his narcissistic supply. It’s only a matter of time. By the way, for him to be carrying on with his girlfriend while his children can walk in and find them like that, constitutes child abuse. He needs to be reported. Take care of yourself…be gentle with yourself…and keep reading the wonderful resources here on the blog community.

      Reply
Not Worthy September 12, 2014

I read this and almost feel worse. My Narc hated having sex with me and would often turn me down. He was sexually addicted to the woman before me and is now also sexually addicted to the woman he is with now. I always had hoped it was him with the problem, but now that he is in a happy physical relationship with his ‘soul mate’ I feel worthless, as he would always tell me I wasn’t worthy of being sexually intimate with him. Before he started dating his new girl (one week after I had called it quits) I always thought he was just not over the sexual aspect of his previous relationship. I was wrong. He found someone who he claims he is into even more. They both brag about their sexual chemistry and how they can’t get enough of each other. Even though I am happy to be away from all of his abuse, it makes me feel really lousy that he never wanted me in that way. I thought he only liked morally disgusting women, but the woman he is with now has no shady reputation and is even known to be a good girl.’ I fear he will stay with her long term, which makes me wonder if every mean thing he ever said about was really true.

Reply
Izzy September 6, 2014

Insightful post. I am ashamed to say that I probably stayed a lot longer in the relationship because he was such a skilled lover. I craved him so much. You were spot on about becoming an object to masturbate to. He would openly tell me that he would pull up photos of me to masturbate to. At first, I was flattered and didn’t think much of it but then he was shameless in asking me for nude pictures and suggestive photos. I didn’t mind sending them at first because I thought it was playful but then instead of a fun exchange, he started to demand them. Now that I think about it, sometimes he would even harass me for them and I always obliged.

He likes variety. I think he will always be unfaithful. He has cheated on me multiple times and has only feigned remorse. Once he went as far as pointing out one of his conquests to me as she passed us on the street without even flinching. I was gutted. I am actually ashamed that I allowed him to touch me after knowing the number of women he cheated on me with. I really lowered my standards for him, which is something I will never do again in my future relationships.

As they all do, he dropped me like a hot potato. I am still hurting but have already come a long way equipped with all the knowledge I’ve come across regarding NPD behavior. I believe he still has these photos of me. I never have done anything to spite him so I hope he doesn’t use these photos against me. Luckily I was smart enough to keep my face out of the nudes and was appropriately covered in the others my face was in. But I still worry.

Reply
Anonymous September 6, 2014

I have been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and they are the most supportive and understanding I have found so far. Every article describes a part of my life as if someone was watching me, including this one in the bedroom (which is not often described)… I discovered my husband of was a narcissist during the marriage counseling sessions he convinced me to attend in order to make me understand how I was ruining our relationship. At every one-on-one session the counselor tried to make me understand I would be better off divorced and planted the seed about narcissism. I did not want to believe her, I was there to save our marriage after all, and I stopped going. I read a lot, and I convinced myself I would be the first one to change a narcissist and make him love me… Fast forward 7 years, I have been happily divorced for 2 years, enjoying my new freedom of being. Long story short: I was being laid off, my brother was dying of cancer, and he filed for divorce for the 4th time in 5 years. I felt totally unable to take care of his needs, and finally gave up on our marriage. I felt like a huge failure. He tried to back pedal (and we’d go to counseling again) but I had a “aha” moment from a stranger’s comment: “divorce is very hard, but when you live with someone who is not even there at the worst time of your life, you wonder when he will be”. I went ahead with the divorce, and never looked back, it is OVER for good. I feel so strong now.
We have two daughters (16 and 13) together, and he bought a house less than half a mile from me “in the girls’ interest”, so they could go easily between our homes, although we share custody every other week. His idea was that we’d still have family time (activities, dinner…) He tried all he could to make us stay “friends”, and I refused. I wanted very limited contact with him, and only about co-parenting. He made me look like a bitter woman, unable to go over the divorce. I figured justifying myself to my daughters made me look worse, so I decided instead to focus on being my real self again. It’s taking time, but many people have told me I have changed a lot (smiling, laughing, having opinions,…). I got a new job better than the one I lost, I am making new friends, and little by little, I hope my daughters are seeing me different than what he tells them, and they’ll stop believing him. I’d like to go NC, but it’s hard, as he lives down the corner, walks his dog in my street and finds every excuse to stop by to see to the girls when they are with me. He found a “suitable” girlfriend about 6-7 months ago, and I am seeing all the flags I missed 22 years ago. The first few months, I was upset he was doing with her everything he did not want to do with me, but now I am taking the back seat, waiting to enjoy the show. I know, I should just look away and forget, but they are in my face all the time, so… He has never mentioned her to me ever, my girls told me when she started to stay with them for dinner and o/n. She is nice, easy-going, gives them presents… It hit me badly but I did not react. I don’t ask questions, and it seems that he’s working very hard to avoid my meeting her. However, her car is parked at his house every day and night now… Oh boy! I feel bad for her, but they are still in the honeymoon stage. And my girls with them: perfect man, perfect lover, perfect father, picture perfect family: all I thought I had once. And they lived happily… POOF!

Reply
    Miss Min June 8, 2015

    Ah yes, don’t you just love the way narcissists come along to counselling with us – with one goal in mind…to gang up on us with the therapist, prove we are the crazy, co-dependent ones, etc etc etc. Sigh. I’ve heard this story so many times and have experienced it myself. I’m so glad you’ve moved on to a happier, calmer space.

    Reply
Anonymous September 6, 2014

I am glad I found these web page’s they have been very helpful. When I left I was very confused. Now that I am away from him I am thinking clearer. It really does hurt to know he was just so shallow.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Anon, thank you for reading and commenting. I’m sorry for what you went through, but glad to know my site has been helpful.

    Reply
Anonymous September 6, 2014

Okay, so I’ve found this blog to be very insightful & it must take a lot to write about this sort of thing after experiencing it, but there’s something in the first paragraph under “Cerebral (often covert)” that I just have to criticize….

‘And while they can put on a decent show in the bedroom in the beginning, they quickly turn into the asexual that they truly are.’

Why is “asexual” so menacingly mentioned here like it’s some evil, hallmark trait of an abusive narcissist? Maybe you simply had no idea what asexuality means. In that case, an asexual is someone who is simply not sexually attracted to anyone – it describes sexual orientation (or ‘lack’ of one).

Lack of sexual attraction to anyone alone is not inherently abusive, narcissistic or malicious at all. And for that matter, being nonsexual in anyway is not at all inherently abusive, narcissistic or malicious either.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are asexual narcissists out there who absolutely do operate exactly how you describe, but that does not mean it should be implied that asexual people typically behave this way (ironically I can’t tell you how often I hear of cases or fears of being [sexually] abused because of their asexuality) OR that someone’s asexuality must somehow be related to them being abusive, narcissistic or even just looking down on sexuality.

Luckily I’ve never been trapped in an abusive/narcissistic relationship so I’m not the best person to be commenting on this, but there is no way in hell I was going to let this go by when I know too damn well that asexual people too often have to deal with being pathologized & misunderstood due to their asexuality.

With all that said, I just hope that this sentence gets tweaked so asexual (and generally nonsexual) people are not thrown under the bus.

(P.S. If not too much, starting off with ‘SEX and intimacy are important in any mutually loving relationship.’ already puts a very unhealthy standard of intimate relationships for people who are uncomfortable with or don’t desire sex…so if you could just cut that small part out too, it would mean so much for the community).

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Anonymous,

    Thank you for reading my blog and for commenting. It’s always nice to get a different perspective on the various subjects I write about here. However, I admit I’m having difficulty seeing how the sentence in question is menacing. Upon closer inspection, I would take away that it’s not being asexual that has a negative connotation, but the fact that the Narcissist gives the impression that they enjoy sex and being intimate with someone that way, when the truth is, they have little or no interest in it. It’s not being asexual, but being dishonest, that is the underlying message.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been reading my blog, but I have never targeted a group of people based on their sexual orientation. I would assume that if a person entering into a relationship made it known that they were heterosexual, demisexual, asexual, pansexual, homosexual, or bi-, then the other party would have the necessary information to decide whether they wanted to progress further. So, the article was meant to exhibit the dishonesty of the Narcissist entering into the relationship, and their very premeditated way of giving the impression that they enjoy sex, when that’s not the case.

    I’m sorry you feel I was ostracizing the asexual community, but that wasn’t my intention whatsoever. Stating that “the Narcissist turns into the asexual he or she truly is” doesn’t imply anything other than they don’t like sex.

    Reply
      Anonymous September 6, 2014

      It was the phrasing that made asexuality seem menacing (“they quickly turn into the asexual that they truly are.”) & the use of the word “asexual” here that really concerns me.

      It wasn’t really a matter of you willfully targeting a group of people due to their sexuality (I haven’t noticed any other signs or a reason that you would do such a thing), it’s mostly about using “asexual” irresponsibly/thoughtlessly/ignorantly as this can VERY easily give readers the wrong impression about what asexuality is.

      I see what you wrote was mostly about how the narcissist being manipulative by using sex against their partner despite not caring for it themself. There’s no arguing about that or the content itself. But blatantly using a word that many people haven’t heard of or don’t clearly understand easily gives them the first impression that asexual = abusive/manipulative/narcissistic (or at least some how related to those concepts).

      Asexuals already have a hard time with people thinking wrongly they are cold or sick or heartless or other such nonsense BECAUSE they are asexual…so when a reader sees “asexual” being used here for the first time, guess what they’re probably thinking.

      Unfortunately it really isn’t relevant that you didn’t intend anything as that doesn’t change anything for the readers, what matters is that the word or phrase is changed so that asexual is not used & therefore can’t be misinterpreted (simply using “dishonest” instead or slightly altering the phrase will still accurately get your concept across to the readers without inadvertently causing trouble for other people).

      I know it seems like a lot for a sentence, but I just wanted to nip this in the bud before any readers misunderstood & potentially cause problems for someone.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 9, 2014

        I’ve made a slight change in the wording. Thank you for reading my article and for your helpful input.

        Reply
      Miss Min June 8, 2015

      I agree with you, Kim, and perceived your meaning from the outset. I guess we all have experiences that affect our perceptual filter and we tend to interpret statements, particularly over the internet, in the light of those unique perceptions. And of course, we all have ‘hot buttons’ – areas in which we’ve been hurt so badly that certain ‘events’, which can be words and phrases, trigger very painful emotions in us.

      Having studied human behaviour for over twenty years and having undergone intensive psychotherapy myself, I believe it’s a very true statement that, to MOST people, sexuality is important in their relationships. We tend to write for what we perceive to be the average reader…and of course, can get into hot water without intending any malice or insult. The issue of sexuality within a relationship is a very complicated one but most psychologists would agree that close, intimate relationships involve a degree of sexual connection. They would also say that there are those for whom it’s not necessary or desirable; and that’s just fine as long as both parties agree.

      When dealing with a narcissist, and this has been my experience, the covert or cerebral types are extremely into sex in the beginning…and lots of it. When they have you completely hooked and the devaluation phase has begun, they frequently withdraw this sexual intimacy as a means to control their partner. It is easily turned against us, with insinuations that we’re ‘sick’, ‘too needy’, ‘too pushy’, ‘too demanding’, ‘too dependent’…and so on. The list of accusations is long and results in extreme anxiety and self doubt in the victim. The switch from ‘extremely sexual’ being to ‘asexual being’ is experienced as very cruel by the partner of a covert narcissist. As you say, Kim, it’s the dishonesty and control that are the issue. No need to reply to my comment. I know how busy your blog is and I really appreciate your efforts.

      Reply
ThankYou September 5, 2014

Sex was a key variable/factor as it when we were intimate and in bed my partner would, for the first time during the day, speak sweetly and softly to me (we met when I was 32.) The sensitivity, love and peace that the bedroom gave way to was one of the big reasons I stayed so long. I saw “another side…” and there lies my personal irony…I wanted that deep, romantic intimacy; however I understand now that NOTHING ever changes and in the end the stress and walking on shells feeling if I did not mirror would create discord and possible danger. I care about my past Narcissist, but I also know that NO CONTACT (I am now 41) and moving on forever is the only way to have a happy, healthy opportunity at life! Thanks for the blog!!!

PS…Sometimes I wonder if I am/was a Narcissist deep down because after 9 years in this sort of relationship you become pretty humble and think it is a lesson on some level, a lesson that is healable if you are willing.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 6, 2014

    Thank You, we all have Narcissistic traits. It’s when the scales are tipped and those traits destroy other people that it becomes malevolent.

    I’m glad you recognized your experience as a healing opportunity, but I doubt you are a Narcissist for the simple fact you have done some self-reflection. I’m also glad you were able to go No Contact and stick with it successfully. As you stated, it’s the only way to have a true opportunity at life.

    Reply
    Anonymous January 24, 2015

    interesting statement, I’m asking myself that question as well, but I’ve read if you are a narcissist then you would never ask yourself that question..so, we’re good……

    Reply
    Tony January 24, 2015

    interesting statement, I’m asking myself that question as well, but I’ve read if you are a narcissist then you would never ask yourself that question..so, we’re good……

    Reply
      jill February 22, 2015

      Tony, believe me if your last name begins with an A and ends with an S: you are probaby a dyed in the wool Narcissist. If you are just asking that question NOW only to tell yourself, based on one thing you read, that you are “Good” so you never have to worry about it again – it means you ARE a NARCISSIST not that you are NOT a Narc.

      Reply
alienorajt September 6, 2014

I can totally identify with this.

Reply
Add Your Reply

Leave a Comment: