The Unbearable Triteness of Being…engaged in conversation with a Narcissist

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Sep 17

Frequent, mundane drivel from the disordered that may induce a psychotic break

**Trigger Alert – This post contains possible triggers.  Please proceed with caution.  Also, I use the pronoun “he” for ease of reading.  If your Narc is female, simply replace with “she”.  Feel free also to substitute either pronoun with the nouns cretin, halfwit, or simpleton.

Apparel for the Arse-issist in your life…

For those who’ve come to the end of the road with the Narcissist in their lives, they often encounter a conundrum when it comes to analyzing what went wrong.  On occasion, the Narcissist ends the relationship after a painful Devalue and Discard.  Other Narcs will pretend they’re on board with the whole breakup thing, only to have a nuclear meltdown when it becomes obvious their partner is serious.  This second type of Narc is the topic of today’s post.

One of the most common questions I encounter with readers, followers, and clients is, “How can he be so cruel?  I gave and gave to him, and he just used me and took advantage of my good nature.  I don’t understand.” 

It’s crucial to recognize what’s happening when struggling with this quandary.  Most of us who’ve researched Narcissism understand that they project their qualities onto us when “interacting” with us.  Curiously, this is what we do when we wonder why they do what they do and say what they say.  However, we can’t use our rational thinking to analyze the irrational wheedling of the disordered.  After all, can we really be sure there are any synapses going on upstairs with the Narcissist?

Inside the Mind of the Narcissist

Allow me to demonstrate via a dialogue:

Narc:  It’s over.  You can never do anything right.  I hate myself for even thinking of giving you a second chance.

You:  What do you mean?  You gave me some areas for improvement, and I’ve worked on them diligently.  I’ve gone to a counselor, tightened up on the budget, and got that second job after you suggested it.  I’ve tried to be a better girlfriend/wife by cooking your favorite meals whenever I can.

Narc:  You didn’t do anything.  You suck, and you’re fat and ugly.

You:  Actually, I’ve lost eight pounds this month, and I’ve made an appointment with an aesthetician to take care of those sun spots you pointed out.  They should be gone in three months or so.

Narc:  Nothing can help you, Medusa.  I’ve been going out with that hot, new secretary at work.  She’s better on her worst day that you are on your best.  She even has breast implants.  I’m moving in with her at the end of the month.  You’ll need to figure out how you’re going to pay all the bills after I leave.

You:  Well, that shouldn’t be a problem, since I’ve been paying all the bills, anyway.  But, more importantly, I thought you said you loved me and wanted to spend your life with me.  What’s changed?

Narc:  You don’t appreciate what I’ve done for you, and you’re no fun.  I’m leaving you for someone who knows a good thing when she’s got it.  Besides, she makes me happy.  We’re soul mates and plan to do things together that will change the world.

The Narcissist and his new Soul Mate

Observe how the Narcissist doesn’t address facts, only throwing out insults in response.  Why?  Because that’s what Arse-issists do.  Everything he says consists of subliminal implanting designed to make you feel unattractive, unworthy, and unacceptable.  And what has he really “done” for you besides exist in the same space, breathing your air?  Regarding his comments about the new girl, which are rather predictable, he’s building her up because he’s found a new source of supply who doesn’t know his epic uselessness. Realize that while he’s laying it on thick about her, he thinks she’s a nincompoop, because that’s what they think of all their targets.

And their plans to “change the world”?  She shared with him some dream she has and he hopped on that like tie dye on a hippie in order to give her a sense of kindredness.  In reality, he dry heaves when he ponders joining her on her mission to help humankind.

A week later…

Narc:  I still love you and am attracted to you.

Translation:  The new girl turned out to be a bigger moron than the Narcissist, and though he will keep her around for some strange, he doesn’t want to lose the control he has over you.  He still has no plans to commit, but saying he loves you and is still attracted will hopefully put you in the role of friends with benefits.

Narc:  I miss you, but you have some anger issues.

Translation:  It’s not his fault you caught him looking at nude pics some bimbo from the bar has been sending him for the past three months.  Nor should he be held accountable for the porn pop-ups on your shared pc, or the fact that you are now getting spam email with promises to enlarge your wanker.

Narc:  I can’t go on without you.

Translation:  You’re the best supply he’s ever had…well, except for the last one who moved across the country to get away from him.

Narc:  Do you really want to break up our family? …followed with a dramatic,Oscar-worthy turn to the children and “Kids, your mother wants to break up the family.”

Translation:  Why don’t you own his crimes and continue hiding his immorality from the children?  In return, he’ll mete out some mind crumbs now and again.  Never mind that the new secretary at work (who turned out to be the bimbo from the bar), is currently preparing to leave her husband so she and the Narc can move into the townhome they put a deposit on last week.

 If a Narcissist speaks, and there’s no one around to hear him…

Notice the one-sided dialogue at the end?  That’s not an oversight.  That’s the sound of the Arse-issist’s target trying to make sense of the senseless, which is pointless.

Don’t be “that target”.  Turn on your heel and leave that cheating and lying nut-job to bleat on into oblivion, which is the realm where you’ll end up if you keep lending him your ear.

For comedic purposes only. Do not try this at home…

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(29) comments

Angela December 19, 2014

I remember this one. I got a good laugh once again on its accuracy.Happy Friday!!

Reply
    Kim Saeed December 19, 2014

    Ha ha! Thanks Angela 🙂 Thought a little humor would be great before the weekend. Happy Friday to you, too 🙂

    Reply
Jim September 23, 2014

Thank You so very much for this blog. I recently broke away from a ‘friendship’ that started drawing me into behaviors i would not have done on my own. Your insights have helped me make sense of so many oddities i saw throughout. One thing i can say is that when any relationship seems to develop too quickly; words such as “we make a perfect team”, “others can’t understand us, we’re both so special”, “you are the best friend(Lover, coworker, etc…) i have ever had” may make you feel incredible, but they will quickly turn to exploitation and are simply ways to get into your supply to feed them with adoration.
If you begin to see literal (non sarcastic) mimicking of your words or actions or it seems as if the other is ‘trying on” another personality, beware. I found these ‘quirks’ endearing and intriguing at first. Before too long, i noticed occasionally she would repeat very conversations, word for word that we had between ourselves, attributing them to other people or attaching a trait or action of mine to other persons she would tell me about.
Now all these things make sense; mirroring, creating a persona from others traits in order to construct a socially acceptable mask, viewing her various sources as fully interchangeable with no actual bond with any.
The irony of the matter is that my falling for this was during what i thought was a true friendship with real trust being ‘the good guy’, proving ‘we’re not all pigs’ via a platonic friendship. Likely i was looking for my own selfish self esteem boost as well, but counseling will hopefully root that out.
At any rate, i feel used, hurt and finally stood up to do the discarding myself in the middle of her attempting to explain why her actions were the right thing to do and i was seeing it all wrong. Now, i am enduring the vitriol i hear coming back through other people and ignoring the fishing calls, texts and e-mails. I feel stupid, ashamed and like a dolt. I realize i am lucky, it was just a friendship i thought was true, i hope all who have been hurt more deeply find peace and happiness with their own true strength.

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Anonymous September 18, 2014

Damn, Annette.

He makes a really persuasive case for himself, doesn’t he?! I’m such a pushover. I would have fallen for it right away.

Good for you for keeping the long run and the end game in sight. Let me remind both of us – never believe what they say, only believe what they do.

All the best to you.

Avesraggiana

Reply
    Anonymous September 19, 2014

    Dear Avesraggiana,
    Yes, he is very charismatic which doesn’t help. It is tempting to go back, not work, travel and have all the $$ I could possibly want but I have to remember that a leopard can’t change their spots and it would be a roll of the dice to think it. Having said that, I pray every second for God to remind me of the hell I went through knowing he is still with other women and has been since I left. He is sharing the house/furnishings we picked out together with these women and I must remember every cussing I got, etc., etc. It helps to also remember that I stuck by him through his worst times and then when he got successful he was king of all and a real jerk. I am so sad that he saw the light too late…we have to take care of ourselves or else will???

    Annette

    Reply
Annette September 18, 2014

Hi Kim,
You wrote me before and explained that the narcissist was trying to give me hope that if I changed myself there would be hope of being with him and he wanted me to believe that the downfall of the relationship was my fault. I am proud to say it has been 5 months since we split and I have had no contact for the last 3 months. After the first month of no contact, I sporadically got voice mails, text msgs and emails begging to talk with me but I did not respond. I know from his daughters that he is dating and they have even told me to move on as they only claim their dad because he is their dad. I don’t understand the thinking of how he can have women and expect to get me back at the same time.

“When I came to the office today, I had a very lengthy email stating it was his “last” attempt to contact me. It has been 6 weeks now that I have been dating a great guy who is retired from the Army and real gentleman. I don’t want to forfeit that for the verbal abuse that I was in for 7 years but I can’t seem to shake the “what if’s” in my head. Here are a few lines from his email…which let me add every time we were to get counseling he would back out and tell me to go fix my issues first and then I would find out it was because he was with other women. I would love your response as now hjs family is calling, emailing, etc.

FROM NARC:
I don’t know where to begin so I will first tell you that I deeply apologize for all the mistakes I made in our relationship. You are the most wonderful person I have ever met and deserve to be happy. I am so sad that I could not be the person to make you happy. I meant to and I tried but obviously failed. Failed at communication, failed at being patient, failed at being supportive, failed to more flexible about family and time away from work and well, just failed period. I was afraid. I was afraid that you blamed me for all our problems. I was afraid of failure, that I also afraid of abandonment and had mistrust also. My fears keep me frozen, unable to reach out to you. Yes, I tried to move on, cover up my love for you. I once again failed. I am sure you hate me. I don’t blame you. I do want you to know I have loved more than any person that I have ever meet. I have missed you everyday we have been apart. I pray for your happiness and safety first thing in the morning and give thanks that you were in my life every night when I lay my head down.

I did get counseling and I am still getting counseling. I have been doing extra reading on relationships to try to understand me, us. The two things I have learned are: 1) we do speak two different languages, what you say and what I hear are two different things. And it is true the other way around. 2) No matter how much I change, until we address the core mistrust and abandonment issues, nothing will ever improve. I was told over and over in my sessions and by more than one counselor and therapist, that unless I addressed my core issues, you addressed your core issues and then we addressed our issues together, history would keep repeating itself.

Once again, I apologize with all my heart and soul. If I could undo the past, I would. All I can do is tell you how much I love you. Tell you how much fear I had that you hated me and blamed me for everything. How I have want to reach out to a hundred times a day. Fear had me paralyzed. I know you are wondering why I didn’t do this sooner and why now. I don’t have any simple answers other what I wrote above. There have been constant reminders of you everyday in life since you left. I have been doing a lot of thinking about the time we have left on this earth and what I want to do with it. I am asking you, please consider working with me to heal our relationship. Please meet me half way. I am willing to do what ever it takes for us. I need you in my life. I want you in my life.”

He is a doctor and I truly feel that he is a narcissist and has major control issues. I let him control me for too many years but we had been friends for 20 years and by the time I realized what I was in it was too late for my heart. In hindsight, I should have left within the first year…part of my wants to respond and the other part says NO I have come so far.

Thank you so much – you are always such a blessing! Sorry this is so long…

Annette

Reply
FireAndIce September 18, 2014

Thank you so much for this, Kim! I laughed so hard! This reminds me of conversations I’ve had with my ex-fiance as well as my Narc mother. Absolute gold! 🙂

Reply
Elisabeth September 18, 2014

Blue, never send this to the narcissist. It wouldn’t help, but he can use it, when he meets an other target. I often thought of this kind of things sending to my ex, but it would made him stay longer with his new ‘girlfriend’. It is better for her to discover as soon as possible what kind of man he is. X

Reply
Anonymous September 17, 2014

This post came right when my soon to be ex husband Narc all of a sudden needs to speak to me and see me. We have a child together so that’s only reason I still speak to him. He’s acting needy and clingy so I’m assuming his new supply isn’t giving him what he needs.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

    Yeah, he’s probably in panic mode and likely fishing around for some supply.

    It might help to require him to contact you by email. That way, there’s a better chance of keeping it business-like, and also the added benefit of having evidence if you ever find yourself in need of contacting a lawyer…

    Reply
betternotbroken September 17, 2014

Sad but true. Very very true. You left out the grand finale, where he follows “Do you want to break up our family?” with a turn to the children and “Kids, your mother wants to break up the family.”

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 18, 2014

    Excellent point…will go make a modification…Thanks!

    Reply
Amberlyn September 17, 2014

Kim,
Thank you so much for ALL of your posts! You’re amazing and have provided the support I have needed to continue to heal. I read the title of this post and chuckled because trite conversation was a great way to put a description to the many conversations I had with my narc. Whew! Still healing but you sharing that it can take a while to heal has given me permission to not judge myself for not being completely “over it” yet. I just wanted to say thank you. I will speak for myself but I know you have such an incredibly positive impact on people’s lives! Thank you for being there and sharing what you’ve learned-for validation, venting, healing, growth…
You da best!
Amber
PS-you’re on my gratitude list! ;0)

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 18, 2014

    Amberlyn,

    What a sweet,encouraging comment you left for me <3 I'm so happy to know my site has helped you in your journey of recovery. And to know I'm on your gratitude list made my heart grow three sizes 🙂

    Reply
GoodnessGracious September 17, 2014

“Epic uselessness” is the most accurate and concise summation I’ve yet seen on Ns! Brava! Thanks for that one!

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Lynn September 17, 2014

Dear Kim,

I laughed and laughed through this post. Thank you for bringing levity to a hard and harsh reality of dealing with a narcissist.

Peace and joy,
Lynn

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

    Hi Lynn 🙂 Thank you for reading and also for letting me know you got some enjoyment from my post. I like to throw in a little humor from time to time.

    Hugs <3

    Reply
      Lynn September 18, 2014

      Thanks Kim. I have found that humor helps me a lot to deal with the frustration and pain of life with and after marriage to a narcissist. It does not take away the hardship, but it is a relief to laugh.

      I appreciate your writings! Thank you!!

      Warm regards,
      Lynn ?

      Reply
blue September 17, 2014

Love love this !!! Narc never made sense and never would own up to what he was doing I wish I could mail this article to him but of course it would be useless and I am in no contact and I feel great !!! Thank you for this article Wish I could frame it and hang it on my wall Never forget what and who you are dealing with Stay out of the N fog and you can see the light!

Reply
Rachel Hernandez September 17, 2014

Hello. What do you mean by this line? ….”On occasion, the Narcissist ends the relationship after a painful Devalue and Discard.”

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

    Usually, the Narcissist isn’t serious about ending it. They typically threaten to end a relationship as a manipulation tool.

    However, other Narcissists (generally the covert/cerebral) might leave on their own accord…

    Reply
      Dawn September 17, 2014

      My ex narc used that particular manipulation tool many times, he changed track at some point, to marriage proposals he said whilst drinking, never “remembering” the next morning, when I started to realise what was going on i declined him, then he remembered the next day and asked again, unfortuantely, I was not strong enough to say no, i had a young child and was out of work, and too afraid of the fall out of saying no again. Am glad to say I did find the strength to file for divorce, but only after becoming extremely ill, alot of verbal, mental, spiritual and financial abuse, and being bullied into an abortion, which i will regret forever. His domination of me horrifies me now, I really felt I was losing myself, and one day during another tirade of put downs, I felt I had to take a leap of faith as I couldnt take it anymore, I thank God, the universe for taking that leap, as Life is sooo much better and brighter now. Thank you Kim, even after 5 years, sometimes I get the flashbacks, which cause great distress, but the articles on here have helped me alot, Thank you again 🙂 Laughter is such a good healing tool 🙂

      Reply
inspiredbythedivine1 September 17, 2014

This was great. Too bad the real Medusa couldn’t give shit-heads who abuse people like this a look. We’d all be better off if they were turned to rocks.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

    Indeed, Inspired1,

    Though, we’d sure be living in some mighty rocky terrain, from what I can gather.

    Oh well, those of us who are non-disordered could set up hippie camps on that rocky terrain and let said rocks eat our dust, literally…

    Reply
      inspiredbythedivine1 September 17, 2014

      We’d just have to take up rock climbing and carry pick axes around with us is all. I think it would be a blast!

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

        😀

        Reply
Carrie Reimer September 17, 2014

Kim, I love it! I love the Happy Happy Joy Joy guys! haha When my ex showed up telling me he wanted to help make me a success like him because he always takes care of his “people”, I almost spit out the wine I had just taken a sip of. When I protested that I didn’t want to be friends he shushed me. He had rehearsed his speech and didn’t want to be interrupted. He was in the middle of what he thought was an award winning performance., too self absorbed to realize he had given me the exact same speech twice before.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 17, 2014

    I suppose they lose track of their greatness speeches when they give them to everyone they know (and even those they don’t). 🙂

    A success like him, huh? I’m glad to see you’ve risen far above his “ranks”. I’m sure he’s still the same, while you’ve been on a healing, spiritual journey…

    Reply
Carrie Reimer September 17, 2014

Reblogged this on Ladywithatruck's Blog and commented:
I was planning on quoting some of Kim’s witty one liner’s but the whole post had me laughing (a sense of humor can be most helpful when dealing with a narcissist, after all they give a person such great material). I thought I’d just reblog it in it’s entirety. Thanks for the laughs Kim.

Reply
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