Jan 14

by ~ Kim Saeed

I knew something wasn’t right with him, with us…but I thought I could fix it.  I kept telling myself he needed to be shown what love is.  According to his stories, he’d been betrayed by all of his past partners.  He just needed someone that would be true to him; to show him what real love really meant.

Love.  With all of its patience and forgiveness.  All of its compromise and sacrifice.

All of its self-denial.

Then, I reached a point where I believed that whatever he did to me I deserved because of things I’d done in my past.  After all, I’d told him almost everything about me.  “See”, he’d say, “God is doing that to you because of ________ (insert unforgiveable sin).”

Then it became, “I have to break you so you will get my point.  I can only get the best out of you when you feel worthless so you can prove that you’re not.”

By the time I began to catch on to this trickery, it was almost too late to leave because of the depth of enmeshment I shared with him.

Looking back now, I wonder if I stayed because my soul knew I had brutal lessons that needed to be mastered.  Perhaps my soul intuitively understood that I had to be ambushed with these teachings over and over until I finally woke up and realized that I’d be forever in purgatory until I did something about it…about staying…about learning…about seeing that what was happening to me was really all of my worst fears and insecurities manifested before me in human form.

Every day I felt abandoned, betrayed, not good enough.

There were treacheries big and small.

There were one-time shockers that caused my world to spin as I experienced states of disbelief so traumatizing, I could do nothing more than lie down and wait for the vertigo to pass.

There were small betrayals that happened time after time, chipping away at the very core of my identity…deconstructing everything I thought I knew about relationships, goodness, and common decency.

About love.

Was this really my life?  What had I done to deserve this?  Was I being punished for all of my past sins, and ones I’d yet to commit?

That’s what I believed for eight years.

Maybe I deserved his wrath because I couldn’t make him happy.  No matter what I did to cultivate happiness inside him.  No matter the amount of devotion, submission, or following his command.  There must be something innately wrong with me, I began to believe, and I just don’t see it. 

There’s something wrong with me.  Me.  What is it about me?  What can I do differently?  I’ll keep trying until I get it right.

I didn’t see the truth until I’d broken open completely.  Until I’d been so utterly destroyed it felt my soul had died.  But it wasn’t my soul that had died.  My soul was being reborn.

It was my old self that died, my negative beliefs, my old thoughts… to make way for new ones.  True ones.

Now I know it had to happen that way.

I had to be broken to get the point.  I had to feel utterly worthless to get the best out of myself…to discover that I’m not worthless.

That’s the only real thing he ever said to me.

Leave a Comment:

(62) comments

Anonymous May 5, 2015

I too agree with all of the comments I’ve read that this is a wonderful article and hit home for me. I broke my ‘no contact’ resolution and he wrote to me vicious nasty messages about how wrong I was and how melodramatic I was. I could feel his ‘hate’ in the messages and feel that I came away ‘lightly’, but Kim you are so right in saying that although terrible things happen we can grab this opportunity to reinvent ourselves and I really believe that he has taught me to discard the old me (the needy me) and create a new stronger me but also to be proud of my passionate, loving nature which others will appreciate, but not him. Thank you so much, you have saved me.

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chely5150 January 17, 2015

In this instant gratification, high speed technology world we live in, the conditions are ripe for the narcissist to continue to grow. Our society is becoming more accepting of this and that scares me as I begin the steps towards my new life. As self-educated as I am about this (know those red flags to watch for) I realize that in many cases the red flags don’t show up until you’re already hooked. The unfortunate reality is that I am not very trusting of new people I meet, especially MEN. I worry that I could end up in a relationship that is even worse than my last one. My track record (previous relationships) is not so good so I’ve got these walls now to help protect me-it’s scary but I imagine it’s a slow process learning to trust again.

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    Joyce M. Short January 17, 2015

    Because of what you know, you’re unlikely to be attracted to the slick, smooth talking, good looking charmer than once might have caught your eye. So that eliminates a pretty hefty portion of emotional predators right there!

    Unfortunately, there is no completely fail-safe way of protecting yourself. But if you do fall prey, the likelihood is great that the relationship will be shorter in duration and have less impact on your psyche than the one that lead you to all the knowledge you’ve gained.

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      chely5150 January 23, 2015

      Thanks Joyce- Sometimes I need to hear things repeatedly to really make them sink in. Will you e-mail me daily til I get it through my head- LOL (just kidding). Yes, it’s almost funny how, looking back, the odd little things that you noticed in the beginning end up being red-flags on ten foot poles now. Like i’ve read before, to love is to risk the chance of being hurt, I’m not even close to that yet (I’m still married) but it will definit;ly be blinders off, and drive like the emergency brake is on-nice and SLOW.

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    Kim Saeed January 17, 2015

    Chely5150, there is a definite period of uncertainty in new relationships after healing from abuse. The best advice is to go with your instinct, though try not to be hypervigilant. And more importantly, take it slow. Though there are the rare exceptions, people typically fall into relationships with manipulators again out of loneliness and not taking the proper precautionary measures.

    With that being said, sometimes we can be so paranoid that we see things that aren’t there and ruin a potentially good relationship. It takes a large amount of emotional resilience and growth to find a good partner after abuse.

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      chely5150 January 23, 2015

      Yes Kim I agree. So much uncertainty in new relationships because it takes TIME to really see who people are underneath the social mask. I mean, I think most people are on their best behavior when meeting new people, and that’s okay within reason. But that’s the most difficult part I think because since most people want to present the best side of themselves when you meet new people, it’s hard to tell whose the faker and who is just polishing themselves up a bit to make new friends. While all this is so important I’m along way from that point still (only interviewed and chose my attorney so far) but important to remember. Thanks for taking the time to respond!! hugs to you- chely

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Laura January 16, 2015

I didn’t see the truth until I’d broken open completely. Until I’d been so utterly destroyed it felt my soul had died. But it wasn’t my soul that had died. My soul was being reborn.”

LOVE this part… <3

I can only hope it s the same for me though right now Im not happy about the "soul diyng thing at all

Kim, I think the words are interesting and true, but He said it as means to manipulate you of course!

He didnt wanted "the best" of you !!! If he did, HE WOULDT BREAK YOU DOWN day by day action by action

It is YOUR OWN Strength that did not allow you to go to the ground and fight… somehow it reminds me of movie V for Vendetta know… all these things "the hero" does to Ivy… of course the movie being protest made into "good purpose"

Please! No one should go through this just "to see" or test the waters" ! Besides Narcisists if they HAD emapthy, they wouldnt be Narcisists. Its only an excuse to ABUSE you …more! They enjoy every minute of it… THATs their favorite part… not you "loving" them

I continuously asked the same thing… especially since with others "seems" so normal friendly…and w you..

But the mask slips…or masks…. all Im saying is. We couldve lived WITHOUT all hurts…lames…we could

But I guess for each expeience we should be "thankful" just havent reached the thankful part yet

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Laura January 16, 2015

“I have to break you so you will get my point. I can only get the best out of you when you feel worthless so you can prove that you’re not.”

THIS This.Hit me… hah

I remember this one well…as if you have to “prove it” to Him the Omnipotent GOD ….that you exist…. pffft !

I remember in one S Vaknin writings they said… one weird reasons ,WHY ..cause we keep asking whys, choose partners who are Real, whose smile is real, whose Happiness is real. And then they break it, cause in their heads “your happiness” is only “real” after HE broke you, and gave…crumb of attention. And thats how the cookie crumbles folks… thats how you become addicted…

I gotta admit I was not healthy person before met him either, had my share lived with among dysfunctional behaviour and ppl.. so I ccant say “he took my smile” ….. but in many ways he did contributed

Deep quotes enjoy reading your articles so much! And how stories are SO familiar here… XD in bittersweet way

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Xavante January 15, 2015

Thank you for your help here. I’t saved my life.

Greetings from a man in Sweden.

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Army of Angels January 14, 2015

I have lived that life… You couldn’t have been any more on target with this!

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Surayya January 14, 2015

Carrie I love your last sentence ” I stopped trying to find the “old me” and started trying to be a “better me” well said!!

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Dani January 14, 2015

This…. I have goosebumps. So eloquently put and so extremely relevant to what so many of us have experienced. This is heartbreakingly beautiful. You, my friend, are a hand reaching out pulling so many of us out of the darkness. “some of the most powerful words I have ever heard was, me too”
Me too.

Thank you

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Carrie Reimer January 14, 2015

Kim, I know exactly what you are saying. I actually wrote about it yesterday. It is so hard to describe what it feels like to be totally broken. But I was. I tried to commit suicide because I saw no other solution. When that failed I decided i had to put myself back together and started my blog so I would be accountable to someone. It has been such a rewarding journey I can’t regret anything from the past. If I had to go through that hell to get to this level of self acceptance and inner peace then it was worth it. I don’t think a person can experience that kind of self awareness and growth without being broken first.
Like I said yesterday, at some point in my recovery I stopped trying to find the “old me” and started trying to be a “better me”.

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    Kim Saeed January 15, 2015

    I love the article you wrote, Carrie.

    Curiously, I also get people who reach out thinking there is a fast-track, magical method for healing. I guess in this world of instant gratification, it would seem healing should be one of the available options. The sad fact is…it’s one of the few things we cannot get our hands on instantly. And, it’s one thing we must do for ourselves. No one else can do it for us.

    I don’t regret my experience, either. In fact, I’m glad it happened. If not for that, I would still be a lost soul tip-toeing through life, not ever really knowing myself and trying to make everyone happy except for me.

    Your pic is beautiful, by the way 🙂

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sothisisholland January 14, 2015

I experienced that as well. He actually said to me once that he repeatedly abandoned me to show he loved me. He had hopes that I’d meet some losers and realize he was better than anyone else. Like he wanted to teach me a lesson. It was sick. But I actually believed that for some time.

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    Mary January 20, 2015

    Yeah my ex narc once said “try doing without me”. Well, ok. I am. I will always wish that it could have turned out differently. When he was good he was good. But when he was bad he was past horrible. Like wow horrible. Hitler horrible. He was in the army and I used to salute him and call him sargent. I actually think he enjoyed it. The scary part is he was a clergyman in the army. He had more books on religion than a church. And the things he did to me and others, were nothing short of horrendous. He never abused me physically, but I know that he was abusive physically to others. His dad was a preacher and he was a bastard child of an affair between his mom and birth father. He said he found his birth father alone dying in bed and tried to get help for him. Now I wonder if he will follow in his fathers footsteps. So maybe this condition is inherited? Who knows. Karma.

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Mary January 14, 2015

And the step we took in leaving the narcissist was the first step of loving ourselves.

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Debra Sutton January 14, 2015

Thank you for this post. I can relate to these feelings abandoned, betrayed, and not good enough. I came out of a 22 year marriage that completely broke me. Coming out of this like you experienced a rebirth. No longer afraid of being on my own, the fear of abandonment is gone.

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    michelle January 14, 2015

    Hi Debra – I completely related to Kim’s post like you and others – but I also relate to your response specifically – I am coming out of a 23 year marriage that has broken me so many times – I am waiting to be reborn – right now, I’m still ‘in utero’ – but your post felt like a light at the end of a tunnel for me – thanks for sharing – I wish you, and all of you readers out there, much light and many blessings .

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      Debra Sutton January 14, 2015

      Thank You Michelle I believe we are all here learning from each other.

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Hope Maynard January 14, 2015

Everything that you said I felt very deeply. I was that person. I thought that if I loved my ex enough she would love me enough, but the reality was that I didn’t love myself enough. I believe that if I had that love for myself that I am working on after the worst relationship that I have ever experienced I would have never allowed this to happen. I wouldn’t have stood for it as long as I did. After 10 months I wonder what could have possessed me to stay with a person that chipped away everything that was good about me. Never really saw me. Never appreciated me for me. There was always something wrong with me. I was never good enough. After a while I started to believe it. I started to think that I was unworthy. That I was not lovable. I felt ugly. My ex took pride in making me feel that way. I really believe that she enjoyed it. I think about the person I was before I started seeing her, and the person that I was after. A completely different person. I am back to being me but stronger and better. I will never allow this to happen to me again. I know the signs to look for now. I wish I had known them before.

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    Surayya January 14, 2015

    Hope , you explained my story. My ex narcissist made me feel worthless, always pointing out my flaws and yes my ex took pride too, in making me feel that way. And after reading Kim’s post , I can truly say I have been reborn too. I am back to being the happy me and taking great care of me and enjoying my happy time away from all this stress. We all here admit , I am sure, it was very stressful for all of us when around our narcissists, I felt I had to be alert all the time , stiff and on the watch out as to what will he do next? Thank God I am so much at ease and peace today. We should all pat ourselves and hug ourselves for realizing it was not a healthy relationship and opted out !

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maryleemorgan January 14, 2015

My heart had very similar responses, Kim. Even years before I left, even while I still tried to “reason” with him, I knew that for me, this was about my own journey. I imagined myself strong enough to give what I had to give in order to keep what I wanted to keep. In my heart, I sometimes compared my situation to women in even worse states than my own to tell myself I could keep going. After a last-straw event, I had to re-evaluate all of that. Now, I am learning my lessons on my own. Eventually, I will be unencumbered by reaping what he has sown.

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Anonymous January 14, 2015

This was/is me!! Unbelievable how this perfectly describes ME!!

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renewal4me January 14, 2015

Sixteen years it took me. This is like hearing my own thoughts! Thank you Kim for this article, you are a blessing <3

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Jade Winthorpe January 14, 2015

Wow… It’s like you wrote my story.

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Joyce M. Short January 14, 2015

Sometimes we need to reach the depths of despair to see the light. The “fixer” in all empathetic people feel they can provide a benefit for a less fortunate person, and that’s what a sociopath counts on. It’s not until they drive us deeply into their crazy-making that we recognize how rotten they are.

They’re very good at manipulating the brain chemistry that cleaves us to them. Without specific knowledge that sociopaths exist, how could we ever have suspected this manifestation while it happened? Thank God for blogs like this one that raises awareness!

While on one hand, we should not condemn ourselves for falling victim, on the other hand, how could they have been so callous? It’s mind boggling that a human being can actually behave with such cruelty toward another!

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    michelle January 15, 2015

    Yes – it is mind boggling – reading these posts this morning is like a much needed support session – how can they(narcs) be so cruel??? – whats so scary to me is that I have a hard time telling people apart cos I naturally want to believe that everyone is good at heart – so I look for it or I give the benefit of a doubt, even when something feels like a red flag – and then when reality sets in, I feel betrayed again – also, the society seems to accept, even encourage narc behavior sometimes – it feels heart breaking

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      Laura January 16, 2015

      not everyone is Good at heart… in fact not everyone HAS heart in the first place

      and some live to kill…burn and destroy. The End

      we were in the path, we loved them, we wanted to “bring out” best of them…at the end of the day still revert to what they are inside..black

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    Laura January 16, 2015

    Somebody said that even bad ppl come into our lives for reason… well I dont know what that reason is except re-arrange your life, lessons… but BELIEVE YOU ME… I have no pleasure in “feeling” any of those lessons, in fat Im not even sure I ..”feel anything at all anymore

    leave you hole in your soul exactly like theirs

    they say you should not wish bad things but you get to point …where get worst in you to Mirror the Monster in them O_o

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Jami January 14, 2015

This is the first article of narcissism that I can relate to 100%. It almost broke me completely, but there was a turning point when I decided to not believe his lies that I was worthless..
But I was opposite of everything he said. That was finally when I began taking my power back. It took me 20 years to get out….. It almost destroyed me.

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ayee_teah January 14, 2015

Kim ,I love you, this reminds me of my old self.  The self that I am trying to get away from. The old self that thought is supposed to make him happy at all cost while abounding my own need. I am glad to be on the 10 days challenge this is helping me to discover my new self. I have not send him multiple texts in 3 days barging him to love him. Instead remind silant just as he did on me without no explanation or comments.  The last time  I ever  spoke to him was on the 22nd od December and I can never understood why a person that I trusted and love so much will give me the silent treatment without any explanation.  Now I could understand why he have had 3 failed marriages and  a such a loner.

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

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Shawn January 14, 2015

This piece is perfect. I can feel every word. This was the relationship with my birth father. My relationship with the Narcissist in 2013 was ny wake up to everything I had carried from my relationship with my birth father. I ended up completely broken. Now I know that is was so my soul could be reborn. My heart reaches out to you. Thank you.

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    michelle January 15, 2015

    Hi Shawn – your post really hit home another point for me – that your narcissistic relationship was a carry over from your relationship with your birth father – I believe my 23 year marriage to a narcissist is a carry carry over from my relationship with my adoptive parents – she(mother) is the narcissist and he(father) I think is more like co- dependent – if I can spend time with him alone, we have a decent rapport, but the minute she’s in the picture, its like he transforms into her shadow, her mouthpiece – I’m still trying to come to terms with all of this – why my life has been what its been – I’ve been in survival mode from day one – the good thing tho is, I survived – for the longest time, I felt so singularly stupid – it is such a relief knowing I’m not the only one

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      Shawn January 20, 2015

      Hi Michelle – I’m so sorry that any of us have had to endure such pain. I agree, I too have been in survival mode from day one. It took me so long to put it together. It is an incredible help to have places that we can talk to each other and help each other heal. Take care of yourself. One day – soon- we will be well again.

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Debra Sutton January 14, 2015

Great Post. This post really struck home. When you write everday i felt abandoned, betrayed, and not good enough. Thinking this person needs love. I can fix this. This person broke me to the core of my soul. We were married 22 years. He had many narcissistic traits, and it turned out he is gay. He lied about who he really is. He verbally tore me down on a daily basis. My point is this relationship broke me, but i came out of this like you being reborn. No more fears of abandonment, or codependency. Realizing i cannot find happiness in another human being. I have found my way. Thank you for your post.

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    Kim Saeed January 18, 2015

    Debra, thank you for sharing that. I’m so glad to know that you are healing and moving on. I love it that you no longer have a fear of abandonment and that you’ve learned to manage your codependency. Life is so different now, huh? 🙂

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      Debra Sutton January 18, 2015

      Yes kim life its much better now. I love reading your blog. Its opened my eyes. Especially about red flages i need to avoid in the future.

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Kim January 14, 2015

Thank you for this this morning. It’s so hard to describe what we go through during the relationship and try to rationalize everything when we are out. I am going through a horrible custody case now with my ex. We have been seperated a year and a half now. We were together 8 years. I have known him my whole life. My mother was his second mother. He was best friends with my brothers. A week before our son was due he professed his love for another (with her, her husband and their infant present) and left me with our 6 year old daughter. During the course of time put us out of the house with me not having anywhere to go but my parents basement. He left me destitute with nothing. I was a stay at home mother during our relationship though worked several partime jobs to take care my own needs and contribute to the family while also attending school. My jobs allowed me to take my child with me as he did not help with her. I was essentially a single parent. Currently he has moved his new wife and her children into our home and is expecting their child in less than a month. He has placed several charges on me over the course of our seperation and custody dispute and even tried to put me in jail when I have never even gotten a speeding ticket in my life. Of course none of the charges stood, but the last one even consisted of me giving him back our tv, patio tables Now he wants full custody of the children. Claims I am not fit enough as a parent and am not coparenting with him.

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    Kim January 14, 2015

    Sorry, I wasnt ready to post. I wasnt even sure if I was going to. It is embarrassing to look back and realize what I have put up with. I wasnt finished writing. But I guess theres enough there to show my story. His stepmother stayed with me for a month after our sons birth. She is a therapist and told me from what she has seen and knows is that my ex is a sociopath. It has been difficult to realize I have lived a lie with my partner. I have learned more about him over the course of our seperation than I ever knew. Trying to rationalize or even understand it all can be unbearable and overwhelming. Words just cannot describe the pain and abandonment I feel. Now, we have our trial in less than 3 weeks and I am so afraid. He is such a manipulator and being that he’s a white collar professional it doesnt help. The courts dont seem to believe he was abusive and are more focused on why I stayed. He always would tell me he was going to put me through hell if I left and take our daughter from me. Well, now it’s our daughter and son. I apologize for the rant. I have never posted anywhere before. Havent even talked to many because it is overwhelming and embarrassing. But I suppose with the trial coming up I am reaching out. It is a breath of fresh air to have people understand and tell me I am not the crazy one. The first time that happened to me was a week before his confession and leaving me he signed us up for couples therapy. She ended the session after 15 minutes. Said she had never done that before. She got his number right away. Even though I was saddened by the reality of my situation I felt more relief knowing it wasnt me as he had always claimed.

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      chely5150 January 21, 2015

      If you dont’ have a GOOD attorney who has experience in domestic abuse issues-FIND ONE FAST! If he is threatening you like that and HE has a good attorney – it most likely won’t be pretty. Contact Purple Purse I don’t have the link but they help women who are held hostage-financially in relationships. I hope this is of some help. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY – I’ll be keeping you in my prayers- don’t get too emotional – be tough here girl- but a lady don’t stoop to their level. Hugs to you- chely

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inspiredbythedivine1 January 14, 2015

Very honest. Truthful, and poignant.

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Karin January 14, 2015

Even after a year since leaving my Narc and the brush with another of that ilk earlier this year, these truths still make my heart hurt. For you, for me, for all the victims of Narcissists. I find it hard to believe that I needed to learn any of the brutal lessons that I did. I do take comfort in having been able to help others avoid the same and I thank you for being the light that guided me out. <3

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    Kim Saeed January 14, 2015

    Thank you, Karin.

    I think we are here to guide each other.

    I can say your poems, prose, and pontifications have inspired me more than you might realize <3

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      Karin January 14, 2015

      I can’t tell you how much that means to me. I almost want to cry but in a good way 🙂
      Thank you Kim. I appreciate so much that you take the time to visit and read. <3

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      Charlotte January 21, 2015

      Karin, we didn’t need to learn these brutal lessons. We didn’t deserve them. But we DID gain so much knowledge that we can use to weed out these predators before they get into our lives. We now can protect ourselves. xo and thanks Kim, this page has literally saved me. Every time I feel sad and weak and unworthy, I read your posts and articles over and over again, it makes me feel so much better and I tell EVERYONE I know all of what I’ve learned. The second I hear of certain behaviors, I say, “Narcissist” and tell them to get to your page right NOW. Thanks again.

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    Mary January 17, 2015

    I too feel that I really didn’t need this crap…my narc, in 2013, 3 days after my son committed suicide, tells me he didn’t have time for a relationship and had jealousy issues. Then disappears for 6 weeks. Then resurfaces and wants to see me, then disappears again. Wouldn’t answer calls or texts so I gave up. Then I see he is engaged to a girl he messed around with when he was in the army. I called and he actually answered the phone, wants to see me again etc etc and like a dumbass I did. After a while he breaks up with her and starts grooming me with the marriage thing, says she wanted to use him to come over from Germany do dah do dah…then goes with another and another and another….found setting on his phone…of course he can do it, why not? Then we spent all summer fishing, spending time together all of that stuff, camping, going out to eat then bam! No I intimacy…the dumbass that I am took it as a test…then I say I want to move this forward and guess what? He discarded me asap….the weekend trips he was taking to watch his best friends son play sports was actually a woman he met…oh wow what a surprise, right? I am now full blown contact and 3 months later I am still a zombie….this is crap!!! Trauma bonding at its finest here! Then I realized why I got some texts in German…boy am I stupid or what?! Why the hell did I meet this person, what did I do in a past life that was horrific enough to deserve this??? The only lesson I learned was that I am not good enough no matter what I do. Suicide looks good sometimes…..so here I am, I never wNt to see the black bastard again but am still traumatized by this…will this ever end???? Help!!!

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      chely5150 January 18, 2015

      Oh girlfriend – you need to loose that i’m not good or do enough attitude – hear this: NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO IT WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH FOR THEM! You could walk on water and they will always tell you it’s not enough. Don’t take his crap internally it will eat you up if you let it. Take a step back, breathe deeply, keep as calm as possible and don’t let him make you the bad guy. He needs to own his own shit and you need to let him. The pain does lessen when you realize this is NOT your fault. Im so sorry that this has happened to you- you are not alone. Be strong – hugs to you! Chely

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        Mary January 18, 2015

        Thank you for your kind words, I wish I could just STOP!!! I’m sorry to have vented like this, but this is the only place I can…..and be understood! You are precious….thank you for taking the time out to make the comment. Love to you and anyone going through this mess.

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          chely5150 January 20, 2015

          It feels good to help one another -an ear and a shoulder when another needs to vent. Always here for ya sister! Chely

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          Mary January 20, 2015

          Thanks again….like I said you are precious for the comment, I do need to let this go, three months since I have seen him. I have blocked him, and all those that I know are his friends. I’m sure he won’t look me up anymore, this last one was the over the top moment for me. I am learning to look in the mirror and say “Mary, you are somebody and you are worth it” and every day it sounds a little more positive. I took pictures of myself every day after the fallout, and compared them to what I look like now, and the improvement is obvious. If I can get my heart and mind to catch up it will be great. I read on another site that it takes 12-24 months to get over something like this. That thought kinda sucks. I know that if I ever get into another “relationship” I will quietly look listen and feel with my brain. Then let my heart follow. Not the other way around. Bless you and hope you are doing well. And thanks again. Really.

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          chely5150 January 21, 2015

          Hi Mary- I hope your having a good day today. Yes it’s amazing how the heart knows one ting and the head another – and they don’t always agree. That’s pretty much what a lot of info says about timeline for healing 12-24 months. Personally being 17 months from d-day I now think that is a LOW estimate for a person or a relationship/marriage to really move beyond the infidelity, especially when you many, many years together. Maybe you never totally do because it changes you. I have to say that I am not very trusting of any man at all. It will be very difficult to move beyond that for me. Because I know good men (&women) cheat too! So how the HELL is someone supposed to figure it out in this day and age. Technology? I haven’t updated the P.I. posts but I do need to share that experience as well ( it’s not over yet so i’m kind of waiting). That has been another crazy maker. Anyway take care -one day at a time. Hugs to you chely

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          Mary January 22, 2015

          Yes I have moments of goodness and happier times now, the cloud is still there but I am still numb from it. I have a good friend whose narcissistic husband left 5 years ago for HER best friend….he came home, packed a bag and said “I found my soul mate and I’m leaving” and sheis 5 years still going nuts over it. Now I remind her of her own grandmother, who had a relationship with a man for 30 years; he was her fiancée, they travelled all over the world together, and kept separate homes. They had their space. And this seems to be the way to go with a relationship, especially after this crap with narcs….so I’m all for something like that, should I ever venture out in the dating world again. Traditional relationships must be a thing of the past with all these narcs around…or maybe that’s what caused women’s lib in the first place, right ?? Have a great day, be strong, it sucks but it’s the only way now. Love u!

          Reply
          chely5150 January 23, 2015

          Hi Mary- Glad to hear your feeling better today. Like you said, it can be like being in the Army or more like a strict teacher at school, give you an assignment to complete, then try to control how you do it. Micro manage/control freak thing. I would argue back that if the end result is what was desired, then path I choose to get their is MY choice. But nooo, always had to be his way. He would do that with kids too. I’d tell them let them figure out how to complete the task (they know what to do) which allows them to work on coming up with solutions to their assigned duty. Learning to be resilient when faced with adversity but NOOO, since it was my idea, it must be crap. I kinda figured out that if I wanted something I had to make him think it was his idea or he’d give me grief. I read somewhere (?) that what really makes someone “crazy” is being held responsible for something they have no control over. And that was when I started calling him on his crap. I was /am smart enough to know I shouldn’t have to that crap (& so much more) from him. H being a master covert emotional abuser would usually be the nicest guy while he twists and tweaks every word and situation. It’s really, really hard when they are nice and loving a good portion of the time (and have all the good perks to go along with it) to stand up and walk away from what was a decent relationship for many years , despite his narcissistic ways. But that was before I discovered his affair. I had tried to leave when the kids were smaller but got sucked back in for 10+ more years. I always said it’s like marriage vows line “For Better or Worse”, I always say I got both. I do believe that narcissism is either inherited by blood or developed through nurture. Oddly enough it seems like it’s not always “abuse or neglect” that sets one to develop it, but more the overly praised, idolized ones that ending up being covertly emotionally abusive. That is my Father-in-law and unfortunately my youngest son is well on his way. My older son is more like me, the co-dependent type.like me. I better stop now I forgot not on my website.(If you hoover over the place where my picture would be and click it should take you there) I know we shouldn’t plug our blogs, but if you will comment over there we can communicate directly Mary. Be strong, hang in there and be the best you! hugs to you-chely

          Reply
michelle January 14, 2015

I can so relate to everything written here -thank you Kim for putting into words what is so painfully confusing to express – Im only finding out now, at this stage in my life, how many of ‘us’ are out there…and how many of ‘them’
You’re a blessing!

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 14, 2015

    Thank you, Michelle. These moments of clarity come to me somewhat rarely. My muse must be with me this morning.

    Thanks, also, for reading and commenting 🙂

    Reply
Mary January 14, 2015

Had to die to be reborn….exactly. I get it now. We’re these people sent by the devil himself? Where do they come from anyway…I am so DONE with this…nearly 3 months no contact and yes I have been reborn…and am more determined by the day to be ME! Not the controlled me…I am somebody, I am worth something, and he doesn’t have the right to take from me who I am anymore. What goes around comes around. I won’t be there to see it. Yay!

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alienorajt January 14, 2015

Totally get this, Kim – every point hits home. xxx

Reply
    Kim Saeed January 14, 2015

    Thank you <3

    Reply
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