The Narcissist's "Confessions"

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Jan 29
Silent Treatment

Narcissists are wonderful at playing the part of the loving, caring partner. That’s why it’s so surprising when their true colors start to show. Sometimes, though, they tell us who they are in the beginning of the relationship while appearing seemingly innocent.

If you are an Empath, INFJ, and/or Codependent and have heard phrases such as the following from your partner, you’ll want to reconsider the relationship and not brush these comments aside (as you may feel naturally inclined to do).

“I’m not that great at being monogamous.”

“I guess I’ll never grow up.”

“I always seem to hurt people without meaning to.”

“I may have a roaming eye, but you’re the one I really love.”

“I have a problem with being told what to do.”

“I’m a sex addict.”  (REAL sex addicts would rather have a root canal than admit to being a sex addict. The narcissist “admits” this early on in the relationship to justify their multiple partners and online dating profiles that you will discover later).

“I’m a porn addict”  (Again, who “admits” this without feeling at least some sense of it appearing unbecoming to a new partner.  They are just getting it all out upfront since you will discover their porn activity sooner or later).

“I have anger management issues.”

These kinds of statements are the narcissist’s way of laying the groundwork. They’ve already picked up on your being a forgiving type of person, and they throw these statements around in a casual way to monitor your reaction. Empaths and Codependents are notorious for being overly nice and forgiving, so typically, our natural reaction is to think “Nobody’s perfect. I’m sure we can work around it.” This is wonderful news for the Narcissist, and clears them from any wrong-doing in their mind.

However, if your partner has made a casual confession such as the ones above, they will use it as ammunition later, such as by saying, “I told you I was like this in the beginning. You KNEW this about me, so what are you complaining about? You seemed okay with it before, what’s the problem now?” In short, they will accept no accountability for their actions, while you’re left in a very compromising position because the truth is, what they’re saying is correct!

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(24) comments

a free bird February 2, 2015

This is precisely what makes NC (day 13) so difficult. As I trudge through these painful blockages, where I continue through life as if Hurricane Narc did not just destroy everything good in my life. I’m minding my own business, and wham! I’m hit over the head with flying mental debris. Something he said, did, stole, it just floors me. And I’m right back there. Feeling all those feelings. Sometimes I just walk around in circles talking it all out. Talking to him. “I hate you.” “I wish I could…” But I can’t so I just move through it or for paralyzed through it. Then I write. I write about all the hurt. Pain. Loss. And then like every single time before, I move on! Thankfully in my search I have discovered what it was I could not put my finger on about the closest males in my life. Not all but many. I’ve been attracting narcs since my mother was born! I have had to let go of a really close friend recently. I was actually celebrating NC when he “went off on me”. In the end because I should’ve just fone what he said. He then stormed off, thought better of it and came back. I’d been trying to tell him for the past year that I was in the process of changing my life. Including the people in it. So nice of him to give me one last chance to stop myself from making the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go. Well I asked that he complete the steps he’d finally manage to put in motion and never look back. This sweet, quiet guy, that would never hurt a fly and always has such a kind word for me…he sent text after text to talk me he hates to see me hurt and if I would only listen to him I would be fine. He can barely run his own life. In fact he’s not. He’s living at home. He hand’t grown emotionally in all the years I’ve known him and I finally had to be real with him. It went badly. It was then I was told to call if I needed a good lay but if I needed to talk about my x (not my troubles mind you) I could call his ex.lol I long suspected this is who he is but wow!!! I am so grateful for having been led to the pages I have. I see these red flags and I am no longer willing to sacrifice NOT ONE THING in hopes you are not that. I will RUN!!! No more hoping my kindness will make you kind. Definition of insanity: Staying friends, lovers, roommates, anything with anyone despite behaviours, and believing anything you do will change him/her. No! I am only able to change me. God will take care of the rest. Be blessed.

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Rebecca February 1, 2015

I’m finally breaking free of my narcissistic sociopath. I was told by him early on in our relationship that he has bipolar and PTSD. That was it. He would “joke” that he had lied to & cheated on every former girlfriend and his ex wife but would never do that to me. I say joke because when I brought it up later on, he denied ever saying this and said if he had, he wasn’t serious. I caught him on dating sites, asking friends to set him up in dates, posting nude photos of himself online, sending other women nude photos of himself, following porn stars on social media, asking his female friends out for dinner and drinks, I even caught him setting up a date for him and another couple to have a threesome. Every single thing he passed off with some lame excuse and took ZERO responsiblity for anything. Told me he never cheated on his wife, had no problems with sex addiction. I come to find out he cheated on his wife with at least 5 women, probably more, and cheated on his mistresses with at least a dozen more women, sextets and sent nude photos to other women throughout his marriage. Also found out he was in inpatient treatment for 3 months for a slew of things, one of them being sex addiction, which he never admitted to me. Nothing is his fault, he takes no responsiblity and still doesn’t see that he really did anything “all that bad”. It makes me sick, but I have to stay strong and know that I did nothing wrong, it’s not that I’m not good enough and I have to accept the fact that he will NEVER acknowledge the depth of the things he’s done and how badly his actions affect others. It’s a scary thought that people like this actually function daily, telling so many lies and wearing so many masks.

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    Mary February 2, 2015

    Why are people like this left to do this over and over again? There has to be a way to become united somehow to stop these idiots. Why do we put up with this shit? Why was I so stupid, why is this story repeated so much? What’s up with US! I wish I could figure out a way to stop people like this. It’s not right to use love, emotions, and sex as a weapon. This is so deep, and the more I read, the more dangerous this sounds. I just hope and pray that Karma catches up to each and everyone of these horrible excuses for humans and deals them a really big blow that drops them to their knees. The whole world needs to say “no more” to narcissist famous athletes, comedians, men in power. All those who can flaunt what they do and get applauded for it.

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Laura January 30, 2015

This post was helpful in reminding me to not ignore signals/red flags. My narcissist, and boyfriend of 1 year was also a sex addict and I didn’t discover the extent of his illness until we moved in together. While he was never verbally abusive to me, he was certainly good at the silent treatment and disappearing when convenient for him. His actions early on made me feel alone and neglected, but I ignored it or would always be the one to reach out and say I’m sorry. He liked to gossip (another red flag), his phone would go off throughout the night (yep, Red flag) and he would always have an excuse for everthing, but the biggest red flag was the fact that he never claimed responsibility for failures of past relationships. He asked me to be exclusive with him and said he would never cheat, but he actually never stopped cheating. I remained faithful in spite of our struggles because when we were together he was very attentive and caring. We talked about our goals and future together but unfortunately everything was based on lies, none of it was real and that is a year of my life that I cannot regain. I learned through my own investigation that his addiction led him into a very dark and dangerous world of casual sexual encounters, meetings with both men and women (yes I discovered he is gay), and this took place throughout our entire relationship. It’s been 2 1/2 months since I discovered who he really is. I’m healing day by day and have vowed to give myself at least a year before dating again. I believe this experience happened for a reason and has certainly made me stronger. I will never again ignore my own intuition.

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RecoveringSiri January 29, 2015

My Narc never confessed any of these things these. Yet, he cheated, lied, watched porn and now have 2 children with the OW. But in the beginning he was totally obsessed and protective of me. I thought it was cute until it became extremely jealous and scary. Then when he started cheating he could care less. And ended up leaving me because she was the one that got pregnant first. It’s crazy because I hear people saying how their Narc always apologized, even though they didn’t mean it. My Narc never apologized and maybe that was because I never gave him a reason to. I “forgave” his behavior without him having to ever be for me back. Guess it doesn’t matter anyway. Same result. Glad it’s done and over with.

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happinessweekly January 29, 2015

Exactly! I got – crocodile tears: “I only hurt people I love” – I thought he was talking about his kids because of his “divorce”. And then in the ultimate set up he hurt me … I guess he “loved” me then?? But our definitions of what love is didn’t align!
More than a year on – no contact, thanks to you keeping me on track, Kim – and finally venturing out again. I heard the other day we never dated, he’s now “divorced” and been seeing someone else for “over a year” (this is the one he was seeing when I got the instinct that he was cheating again and it wasn’t his wife this time…) ha! But apparently it’s on the rocks: gee, can’t imagine why… and I’m just a crazy, obsessive ex employee.
The person telling me said he would never change his mind about him because he’s a “good guy”. Funnier still, I hear these things and then he proceeds to call and text for days after trying to ask me to visit him at work. Ha!!! But I’m “crazy”?? No – the only crazy would be opening myself to hear anymore of that.
What’s weird?
It wasn’t until I heard that and got all closure needed that the spell keeping me numb and stuck broke. I’m no longer his next source of supply – I have exited the danger zone! With perfect timing, a tall, dark and handsome man (he’s Italian lol!) came into my life and thanks to all your support, Kim, I’m now seeing him! I like him, my parents like him, my friends like him, and there’s not even a piece of evil narc in him! 🙂 Good childhood, he checks out, no red flags, brutal honesty, no gifts, hates texting, calls but only briefly … phew! He’s just returned to Chicago – Australia to Chicago is quite the distance so we’ll see how it goes. So far I’m happy – big break through for me. It wasn’t til I felt something good for him that I realised how numb I’d been. Loved your post! I’m positive him and his wife ask how I got through it. I did it by keeping my heart open and my face to the sky so I couldn’t see the shadows ? x

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    Surayya February 4, 2015

    wow happinessweekly, i wish i get lucky one day and find the true honest guy, but until than how do I shoo this fly away? I have tried it all!!

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      happinessweekly February 4, 2015

      There is only one good answer, and Kim will agree: No Contact. And your new man will appreciate your approach as well. As difficult as it is, it’s worth it and once you overcome it, you actually feel better for it. Be strong and carry on – look after yourself x

      Reply
Diane Dolan January 29, 2015

Good to know..all their robotic tricks

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Jennifer January 29, 2015

Does being a narcissist and a porn addict and sex addict just go hand in hand?? My narc watched porn everyday, a few times a day. He claimed he had to because he had a “high drive”.

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    Kim Saeed January 29, 2015

    Typically, yes. Poor impulse control, excitement seeking behaviors, and rampant sexuality are common traits of psychopaths. The addiction part is actually partly true because they’ve been doing it so long that they’ve created specific dopamine highs in their brains, which cause cravings just like drugs or alcohol. Often, because of this, they develop porn-induced erectile dysfunction, which they then blame on their unsuspecting partners. But, don’t feel sorry for them, they don’t care how much it hurts the people in their lives and have NO intention of changing.

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      Jennifer January 29, 2015

      Thanks so much for answering. Now that I have removed myself from this situation and can now “see” I have been putting all this together. I have searched for answers for so long not knowing what the heck was going on. Porn, constant cheating, lies, found him on single sites and adult fetish sites, then was told he has needs that can’t be fulfilled by a partner. This has been an unreal rollercoaster. Thank you so much for your insight.

      Reply
18mitzvot January 29, 2015

This is so true, Kim, how the narcissist prepared me for his lying so he could come back and say that he had been honest with me from day one. What kind of honest is “Btw you won’t be able to trust me because I have a hard time being open.”?
I have question, though. I say I have anger issues and I say I have a hard time being told what to do. What’s the difference? How can I tell if the person making confessions is being truthful or laying a trap?

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    Kim Saeed January 29, 2015

    The difference is intention and whether one handles themselves with grace and poise. I, too, don’t like being told what to do, but I’d be willing to have an intelligent, mutually respectful discussion about it and figure out ways to work through the issue at hand. Narcissists use their “confessions” like a hand in the face…”I told you I don’t like being told what to do!!”, and refuse to make any compromises. They simply expect us to take it and shut up about it. If they use one of the phrases in the article and then, when you show discomfort, say something like, “I just need to find a partner who accepts this about me”…it’s a direct form of manipulation.

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      18mitzvot January 29, 2015

      Ahh… that is direct manipulation. Thanks for clearing that up.

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      a free bird February 2, 2015

      Wow that I did not see this shit!!! I go back and forth with extreme anger and extreme forgiveness. When I forgive I take it all back. When I’m angry I forget and take it all back. Thank EVERYTHING that I am in yherapy because this back and forth will make me snap!

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      a free bird February 2, 2015

      This text box makes seeing/editing comments difficult.
      I was trying to go back but apparently I accidentally hit send.
      I am grateful for the question but pleased with thd answer. Thanks to this situation I am healed. I am no longer susceptible to the Narc m.o. and as I cintinue yo heal

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      a free bird February 2, 2015

      To heal I will continue to remove those hot buttons that trigger unhealthy emotional responses. Thus lessening the attraction factor. Hence, any potential Narc will see me as tasteless! :))

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      Charmaine March 14, 2017

      My ex narc used to say “I’m king Barry and I run my spread”. Haha…what a moron

      Reply
Mary January 29, 2015

Well I didn’t hear any of this from my narc. But I did give him one of my own. My own mother was an alcoholic. And as I read more of these posts, think she may have been a narcissist as well. If not, she did have some type of personality issue. I, in turn, ended up marrying an alcoholic, and that lasted 10 years. So after dealing with the both of them, I told my narc in the beginning that I wasn’t very good with relationships. I felt I was telling the truth, because after two relationships with alcoholics I felt I had a tendency to be drawn to them and had kinda built up a wall against close relationships. Now I’m sure I set this whole thing up as a sure deal with him just by saying that statement. I was safe. He really worked hard at being the nice guy (aka love bombing) and was basically hell bent on proving that he was my knight in shining armor. Wow. What a dummy I was. Should have kept that wall up. And wouldn’t you know it, this guy turned out to be one of the biggest alcohol consumers I have ever met. He hid it well at first. Then, when his fears started showing up, the controlling started showing up, the eight-million-texts-a-day started showing up, then the alcohol came out of the cabinet and the raging began. I left. Came back. Left. Came back. Blah blah blah. So many mixed signals.
I am now a little over 3 months no contact after he dumped me for a woman that lives about 3 hours away. After I saw that on HER Facebook (not his, interestingly enough) I blocked him, her, and anyone that ever commented on any of his pics. I also blocked his phone number. I am still grieving over this, and for the love of it I can’t figure out why. We didn’t even have sex 2 months before he dumped me. So what in the world is up with me? I have no clue what he is up to and try not to think about it because it isn’t my business what he does. I wish that I could just be done with this thing. I still cry everyday. I don’t want to see him or anything like that, I just wonder why such a hold on me? Thanks for these posts, they are truly a sanity saver.

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    Kim Saeed January 29, 2015

    Mary, I’m not a licensed therapist, but you are probably feeling the effects of trauma-bonding, your fear of abandonment has been triggered, and you’ve been emotionally abused. You may be experiencing depression and possibly PTSD. If you aren’t already, you may want to consider seeing a therapist and experimenting with transformational healing methods.

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      Mary January 29, 2015

      Yes. You are right. I didn’t go into the depth of abuse I had to go through with the both of them. Yes, I know I have PTSD and have since 1984. It was not feasible for me to go to therapy at that time. It was shameful and I had 3 children to raise. So I worked. I did share PTSD with my narc. I was told to quit living in the past and to get over it. I was very honest. This has all killed my soul. I have thought of suicide so many times, and this relationship has taken the cake. My son committed suicide a year and a half ago. My narc got engaged 6 weeks after. To only break up with her and come back to me to deal me the final blow. That took a little over a year to deal it to me. After giving me hope of an “us”. So yes, this is cruelty beyond comprehension, and I wonder what on earth am I here for. Abuse is my first name. And I want to stop it. I am now faced with the financial problems that my narc gave me. I now have to find additional work to keep a roof over my head and the utilities on. So I once again have to put myself I the back burner just to get over my own stupidity. I wish to never have a relationship again. And that has been the thing that I always have wanted. Someone that loves me. That’s it. Just that. So dreams don’t come true. Just life. I know and have accepted that. Thank you for your kindness, Kim. It is a light in the deep dark pit I seem to have gotten myself into once again. Bless you for having the courage to come out and create this website. I would love to live without it being a trap. I will get therapy if I can find someone who will help me. And I understand that it is hard to even do that. I am afraid to have hope. It seems to not be in the cards for me. But, who knows, maybe someday, right? Love you and what you do for all of us empaths that have seemed to have found the demons of the world.

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    Donna February 1, 2015

    Mary, I did hear all or most of those from my narc, but like you my dad was an alcoholic and my 2 other husbands were addictive personalities so I had also built a very large wall, and then I worked on letting others in and trusting…only to trust a narc. We were together for over 8 years and like yours he first said he drank only cos all his former girlfriends were alcoholics and yes the drinking continued and the porn started. Mine also withheld sex in the last few years….Why? I don’t know and yes it blew my self esteem away when he left me for another woman, but now it has been nearly 7 months and I have regained my soul and my heart. Not quite at the joy part but getting there. One thing you have to know and repeat till you believe it….It had nothing to do with you! People told me this over and over and over and today I believe it. He is a lost soul, let him go. Yes I realized actually this morning very clearly that I had weak boundaries and I need to work on strengthening them, and yes I so wanted to be in a relationship. I have done a lot of inner healing, a lot of reading on these sites and a lot of journaling and energy healing. My money is limited right now but if you explore there are many places that offer free or donation healing. I found a yoga center near me with sacred song healing, some donation yoga and reiki. I just want you to know there is a light and hope and you will heal and yes I want to be done with it too but Ugh it takes time!

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      Mary February 2, 2015

      Thank you so much Donna. This is hard. I still love him in a way but I am free and know it. Now I have to practice putting myself first in all situations to check my own behavior around everyone. I can’t do this again. Bless you and your journey to better health.

      Reply
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