Valentine’s Day Fallout – Narcissists and the Contingency Plan

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Feb 15

 The day after Valentine’s Day…yesterday’s holiday resulted in a global epidemic of Narcissists hoovering, posting pics on his or her social media with the new “love interest”, and using the day to execute painful devalues around the world.

Quite possibly all of the above.

While most couples are basking in the afterglow of romantic dinners and intimate moments, you may be feeling like a nincompoop because you believed there was a chance things could work with the Narcissist.  Further you may feel that no one will ever love you again because you’re checking out the Narcissist’s Facebook and Instagram pages, feeling destroyed by what you find.

Valentine’s Day is the Narcissist’s favorite day for conspiracies and trickery.  If you’re involved with a Narcissist, please find below three of the most common games carried out by the disordered on our national day of romance:

V-Day Charades

Valentine’s Day is the golden day of hoovering for Narcissists everywhere.  If they believe you plan on leaving them, you were no doubt bombarded with all manner of love gestures.  The Narcissist may have given you the “Epiphany Speech”, and you consequently began doubting your judgment of the relationship.  Maybe they haven’t been so bad after all…I mean, you do have a tendency to be too sensitive, right?

You may be sensitive, but your sensitivity has been heightened due to long-term emotional abuse.

Did you fall for the charades?  The flowers, the card, the dinner? Did he make a late-night “run to the store” or find another way to leave after he landed you in the bedroom?

While he was smiling in your face and pretending to be Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire, he was stringing along his other source(s) of supply.

For the men, did you know that when you went to the restroom, she was texting the other man?  

This is all part of their contingency plan.  They can never be without supply.

Golden Globes

Can’t stay away from the Narcissist’s social media sites?  Have you become a hermit, downing whole bottles of red wine, ignoring your friends, and calling in sick because you’re so devastated by what you’ve seen on Facebook and Instagram?

Narcissists are highly acclaimed actors and actresses.  Every single post you see on their social media is specifically designed for the destruction of your psyche.  The whole theme is to have you believe you weren’t good enough and that they’ve finally found the love of their life.  You’ll see them doing things you always asked for but never received from them.  That trip you wanted to take?  They’ll post pics of plane tickets to your dream destination alongside a photo of their new, shiny partner.  They disliked your children?  You’ll find photos of the two of them at the school play…the epitome of a happy family (never mind they’ve only been an official couple for eight days).  You like sushi and they mocked you for it?  Voila…a pic of them feeding one another tuna rolls using chopsticks (with a bottle of sake in the background). 

Valentine’s Day is when social media sites around the world see a huge spike due to Narcissists posting frame-by-frame movie clips of themselves with the new supply.

And the Golden Globe Award goes to…

The plot twist is that though you now feel they’ll never look your way again, those online pics are designed to keep you waiting by the phone with a white-knuckle grip so that when things go awry with the new supply, they’ll have a place to “come home to”.

**This is another contingency plan.  You’ll feel so worthless and undesirable that you’ll accept them back into your home, throwing yourself onto the floor while grabbing their ankles and thanking your lucky stars they’ve come back into your life.  At least you might have a chance at Best Supporting Actor.

Symphony of Crickets

There you were, all dressed up after having spent three hours in the kitchen.  The candles were lit, soft music was playing, and you even used the silverware and good china.  Dinnertime came and went.  You turned off the music and the only sound that could be heard was that of crickets as you acknowledged the almost-dead silence after the Narcissist canceled dinner plans without informing you.

Devastating, no?  Narcissists love using Valentine’s Day to carry out painful devalues.  Usually, this is a multi-strategic play because while they left you high and dry, they were doing the same thing to their other supply while they hoovered the target they’ve recently had their eye on.  

Did you fall for the games and are now wondering why on earth you gave them another year of your life after last year’s Valentine’s Day fiasco? If so, don’t resign yourself to a life of learned helplessness.  In the event you did have a moment of epic weakness, today is a new day.  You can change your mind.  You are under no obligation to carry on the charade with someone who took advantage of your forgiving nature.  Today is the perfect day to go No Contact.

**Are you experiencing Valentine’s Day fallout?  Were you part of a contingency plan?  Please share your story below.  

Your Healing Toolkit

Jpg_healing_toolbox_rs_for_ck

Join thousands of others who are getting weekly updates, healing tips, and empowered living advice - and receive instant access to:

The Beginner's Healing Toolkit! Start healing from Narcissistic Abuse now!

Powered by ConvertKit

Leave a Comment:

(32) comments

cangel101 February 14, 2017

Today is Valentine’s Day and I am grateful I still want to enjoy it. The only difference is it’s with my 2 beautiful daughters and maybe some other family members. I really have learned to work my grief and not allow it to work me. I was one who actually received every gift you could imagine on Valentine’s Day, Christmas, Mother’s Day, my birthday. The stbxnh love giving gifts, too bad his motives were all so wrong. My last huge gift was last year for Mother’s Day in which I received a bedroom set, but I figured once I got that there was a storm right behind it and it absolutely was. I put him out in July 2016, still messed around but then learned that he was engaged and is going to have another baby. I’m grateful that I’m at a place that even if I felt down for a moment, I will not allow myself to stay there. The good thing is no matter what I’m feeling, he will never know. Out of all the holidays thus far, the Superbowl was the toughest for me because it seemed to have been the most genuine because I knew he absolutely love the Superbowl and the Patriots. I got through it though. So today is a celebration for me. I’m celebrating freedom from hoovering, gaslighting, projection, triangulation, emotional and mental abuse!!!! He has no control over my peace and my joy!!!!

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 14, 2017

    Thank you for sharing your story of empowerment, cangel101. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey!

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
Tanya August 28, 2016

I was w my ex N off and on for 11 yrs. I can’t remember one single happy Valentines day….in fact the ONLY Valentines day I acctually remember spending w him…he took me out to dinner a pretty nice restaurant and after we ordered our food we were talking waiting for our food to come and he gave me this strange look and said….” I don’t think we should be together…I don’t think we are compatible” I was floored and I said….” Are you breaking up w me on Valentines day! Why would you take me to dinner just to break up w me?!” He said…” I figured if we were out in public you wouldn’t freak out on me and cause a scene” I wanted to punch him in the face. I just got up and left. He broke my heart for 11 years. And I am finally done and healing…I’ve been NO CONTACT for 9 months now. He has a new gf of course….I believe he was grooming her befor we even broke up….I know the signs I learned the hard way. His family fully embraces her.

Reply
Andre March 9, 2015

For anyone who ever loved someone unconditionally who has NPD of course will recognize Kims insights as true. In my best guess, I believe NPD is an asymmetric developmental delay similar to, if not in the spectrum of Autism. We get angry at NPD because they hurt and frustrate us. But they are suffering too.

Reply
    Kim Saeed September 27, 2015

    Why thank you, Someone. I agree with you and I plan to do exactly that 🙂

    Reply
anonymous February 16, 2015

I am not sure if my recent exbf is a narc. He certainly was raised by a narc. He has a few traits, I broke up with him because of the love bombing. I was married to a narc and knew how he had turned on me after marriage. My recent ex bf never made me feel secure, I knew he was looking on dating websites. I felt like he may want to trade up to a younger woman. He bragged to his friends about my status… I have some accomplishments. He seemed to be very supportive and I missed him.. but the calling 5 hours a day plus texting scared me. So I broke up .. because I told him I cannot watch him date others while we are this far along and I knew he planned to. He turned up with a new girlfriend in 2 days. I am sure she is being love bombed. I do not think she knows he is broke. I do not think he knows she is planning her wedding on a social media page, picking out rings and dresses after knowing him 2 weeks. She seems like she loves attention. I was wondering if maybe he is just a love addict, desperate to prop up his depression about his business woes… and maybe she is a narc. She is always mugging for the camera. It is highly weird looking at her wedding plans when she has several kids and is near 50 … princess wedding? My friends say he traded down to a dumb woman because he cannot get away with it with me. But I miss his friendship. He talks as if I will be friends with his girlfriend. I really wish I knew if he is just a love addict or a narc. I have not seen him be punitive and one of his ex wives is friends with him. Have any of you heard of love bombing with love addicts… or is it only narcs? The silent treatment scared me too.

Reply
Joddle February 16, 2015

Clever and funny post 🙂

*Jade Mitchell* Speaking Skills Specialist

http://jadejoddle.com/

Reply
Creativity From Within February 16, 2015

Reblogged this on Creativity From Within.

Reply
Free at last ! February 15, 2015

I posted a comment hours ago & not showing ? Something wrong with it?

Reply
Jae February 15, 2015

Crickets! I never thought he would stoop so low. We were supposed to go to dinner at 5. At 4:30 he called he said he would be late. After three hours I was home alone crying my eyes out. To make things worse when he did finally come home at 10 o’clock he began yelling and cursing at me as if it were my thought that I was crying. Then this morning he comes and apologizes and claims he loves me. I go through this every major holiday Christmas New Year’s and my birthday, yet he swears he is not cheating. This is so exhausting some days I feel like I cannot breathe!

Reply
    Andy February 26, 2015

    Narcissists are sick people. He IS cheating darling. No, actually he is not “cheating”. He is out “whoring”. Sick,isn’t it? A normal guy who cheats does not need it like an addict. Narcissists are not whole people so don’t take it personally.

    Reply
comic-sense February 15, 2015

Ug so well described and therefore so triggering. Thank you for articulating this so nauseatingly well.

Reply
michelle k February 15, 2015

Two years ago I got pee’d on. Not literally but it felt like it. My narc had showed me a cartoon of a bunch of little boys peeing on some girls for Valentine’s day. I can’t remember the caption. Earlier that week he had complained about his daughter not using a gift he had bought for her and he wanted it back. I thought that was odd but I didn’t say anything. We spent the nite together on Valentine’s and was aglow as usual. Later that week I decided to take my Bose speaker dock to work because I hadn’t used it in a while. It was a gift from him the first Christmas. When I opened the case it reeked of pee! I was on shock! I knew right away it was him. That case was in my closet. While I was sleeping he took that case down, put it on a table in my living room and pee’d in it. There was splatter all over the table. I realized then why my Wii game console wasn’t working properly. When I told him what I had discovered and asked why anyone would do such a thing to me all he said was…maybe I did it. And yes I continued the relationship. Thank u kim for letting me share this. If it wasn’t for finding u on pinterest and all the other women who have suffered I would have not made it thru this past year. We were together for 4 years. Two months after he dumped me because I had “trust issues” he got married!

Reply
Anonymous February 15, 2015

Two years ago I got pee’d on. Not literally but it felt like it. My narc showed me this cartoon of a bunch of little boys peeing on some girls for Valentine’s day. I can’t remember the caption. Earlier in the week he had been complaining about his daughter not using a gift he had given to her and wanted it back. I thought that was odd but didn’t say anything. We spent the nite together Valentine’s day and I was all aglow as usual. Later that week I decided to pull out the Bose speaker dock case he had bought me as a gift and take my speaker into work because I hadn’t used it in a while. When I opened the case it reeked of pee! I was in shock! That case was up in my closet and I knew my two young boys couldn’t have done that and there had been no other man in my house since I moved in. The night of Valentine’s day he took that case down off my shelf put it on a table in my living room and pee’d in it. There was splatter everywhere. That’s when I figured out why my Wii game console wasn’t working right. When I told him what I had discovered and couldn’t understand why someone would do that to me all he said was…maybe I did it. And yes I continued the the relationship. Thank u kim for letting me share. If it wasn’t for finding u on pinterest and all the other women who have suffered I wouldn’t have made it thru this past year.

Reply
Free at last! February 15, 2015

luckily for me and my case I left my narcissist spouse January 2014 it’s only been no contact for about the last month of 2015 I went through a year living in a separate household divorced from him but living a nightmare like no other.. stalking, harrassment ,death threats other women sending messages on FB to me. I could go on for days on ALL the pure craziness. 2/14/14 he did what your describing & has taken to 1/4/15 to finally go & stay NC. I wish I did it sooner & stuck to it. The last month has literally been the most peaceful enjoyable no drama no stress no looking over my shoulder. Blocked him & the other supplies from everything. Ph # changed for 3rd & final time. We were together 11+yrs then the yr of hell in 2014 even though we were divorced. He would purposely butt dial so it would record on my ph & it would be a conversation or sex with a supply then come up with the most incredible lies. When I look back at ALL the lies manipulation red flags it makes me sick! Were talking things I would never put in writing or repeat. I never heard the terms “future faking” or “managing down expectations” but they do do it over time & do it well. Yes, they are fantastic actors & how they continuously get away with stuff blows my mind & feel no remorse at all ! Things i’d never repeat. I became so physically ill, depressed, no family etc the last several yrs of the marriage but I knew something wasn’t right. If I go back to the beginning ALL the red flags were there. I just didn’t pay attention cuz yes I thought he was Prince Charming “love bombing” & in the end he is evil ! Although in the beginning things did stand out. No real personality, no emotions or true ones, no hobbies he always had to be running… All day like non stop. So into his physical appearance. Gym 5 days a week, tanning, Botox & yes Juvederm! Even when close family members of his passed he had no emotion, no tears, nothing but my gut/intuition was always telling me something was “off”, “not right” with him. But I ignored it & made excuses for him. As time went on & things got stranger & just plain weird again I made excuses. I won’t continue to bring myself down cuz there was nothing wrong with me at a all. My intuition was right on target from the get go. Thankfully & technically even though I moved out a yr ago it’s really only been a month of freedom. He stalked & harassed me for exactly a YEAR. I’m feeling better everyday as they will destroy you in anyway possible & the only way to go as difficult as it is is NC. You get so used to the drama that you literally forget what normal is. That’s my issue right now is the strange unfamiliar feeling of “normalcy”. I have to reprogram myself to just being “normal”. While it feels great ! It’s also very odd / strange at the same time. I’ve had to restructure my whole world all the while he’s still doing the same things he did a yr ago & what a relief it is to no longer have that craziness everyday. It’s gone. But for this past valentines day, it was wonderful! No BS,no drama, no being fake, it was a nice “normal” night spent with REAL people. Do I feel sorry for these new supplies? In a way only because they have no clue what they are truly in for. While the one really believes his act & has no idea the other one does know what he is but chooses to stick by him ( zero self esteem & insecure target ). But in my case I’m thankful everyday he is absolutely no longer my problem cuz in actuality, the supply might think they are the luckiest person but I know & his prior before me the mother if his child know all too well what they are really in store for & it’s not good ! I can go on & grow & be truly happy in time. I know it’s going to take time & I accept that but he will be the same person. Incapable of growing & true happiness. He’s actually gotten worse over just the past yr. I look forward to life & just being me & happy. I’ll always be one up on him ….he just doesn’t know it …so in the end I have actually won the war !

Reply
luziana1 February 15, 2015

I understand folks who still may be disengaging from a current relationship, but why not just block and not have FB contact with and ex Narc? I haven’t looked at my Wasband’s social media since a week after he discarded me, and it really keeps me out of his warped universe. Along with NC. And a Narc can rarely be friends with exes.

My ex doesn’t have a friendly relationship with any of his exes. I should have seen that as a giant red flag.

Reply
    Free at last! February 15, 2015

    This is true. My Narc ex only maintained contact with the mother of his child but the other ex’s ALWAYS went down in flames. Another Huge red flag I ignored ! So many darn red flags !

    Reply
      Anonymous February 17, 2015

      Exactly what mine did. I became friends w the mom (and stepfather) and still am, for no other reason but we like each other, it can be a win win, and we enjoyed our meshed family. My Narc made a choice to find new supply and per usual of their cowardly self kicked me, my son and our dog to the curb April 7 of last yr. May 9 I had moved us into our new home and May 18 his new supply spent the wknd at what was our home (his boys were there and had never met her and I still had/still have personal property there). New supply moved in there in June. The best way I can explain my feelings of that life experience is “free falling”, ur battered, bruised, emotionally drained and then the ground is ripped from under ur feet, it’s a horrific life experience. The dark tunnel does have a light but, it takes all u can muster up, don’t let that define who u are, don’t let the Narcs disability win, we can and will be the winners of our owe lives. Use this one chance we are allowed on earth to be the source energy that our Marker is giving us to do his work while we are here.

      Reply
    mpoppins February 15, 2015

    That is so true luziana1 they can’t be friends with any of their ex’s because they burn all their bridges. This was my first time dealing with a Narc. And it really through me for a loop. I kept trying to understand his warped mind, and every now and then something will pop up and I think how naïve I was to all his lies. It’s been a little over a year now and I had to pull myself out of a dark hole I never thought I could be in. This V day was hard but I was glad I wasn’t where I was last year at this time.

    Reply
safirefalcon February 15, 2015

Thankfully I’ve been away long enough to not care what he’s doing on V day. The first year was really hard as it was early on in the break. We were supposed to go to a concert together and I remember how I kept hoping he’d come back, change his mind about the chick he’d moved in with… Ugh! Pathetic.

So happy to be past that and so happy he never came back. I no longer look at his FB page and in fact the last time I saw even a thumbnail pic of his face was when I was blocking him when I rejoined FB. So needless to say I never see any ridiculous ‘rub it in to the exes’ pics he posts.

Reply
Laura S February 15, 2015

Mine came over to make dinner for me and the kids (future ex husband- married 18 years trying to escape for 10 and finally separated last Match) and he told me every detail of his afternoon lovemaking with his new supply. It was their first time. And I do mean every detail because he said he didn’t climax so would I “finish him off. He was mad at me when I asked him to stop and got even angrier when I wouldn’t let him sleep over. I was remarkably ok because I know once he has his new supply I may finally find some peace. I tried to go no contact today and before noon I already had 4 emails (I’ve blocked texts) and 3 phone calls.
Thanks to this blog I am able to see what he is trying to do to me. I am able to think of the girlfriend as a supply which helps a lot.
Oh, and he wants me to bring him the leftover steak and champagne that we didn’t open last night.

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 15, 2015

    Laura, while I’m not surprised at what he did, I feel rather angry for you.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I also share custody with my Ex and he only has access to one email and the land line phone. No way I’m giving him my cell phone number for the very reasons you listed. I have my email set up to go to my phone, so if he emails me about our son, I get instant notification.

    Gosh, you should save the steak and champagne for yourself and celebrate tonight for not giving into his childish attempts.

    Reply
    judia1951 February 15, 2015

    tell him he can do the smart thing and go F himself….as you aren’t interested. Then pop the bubbly when the kids are in bed and enjoy it yourself, you have earned it!

    Reply

NC had been broken for several weeks. Lovebombing that I could now recognize as a script rote in his head, delivered with hypnotizing bass tones. He’d abandoned me and devalued me into dirt as not just his mate, but as his bandmate in the last year and a half. He’d never had much to do with the social media and promotions. Months ago we’d agreed the band title is mine. I was moving on to find new members, a new life of music I was determined to build. But suddenly I was a liar, a bitch and he blocks me, won’t speak to me. Suddenly, all my online work had disappeared. Suddenly he was posting everywhere as me, from my profiles. Somewhere in the morning onslaught I realized, wow, it’s Valentine’s Day. Could it be he timed it this way? I let him back in because I felt wise enough to see him coming a mile away. But this. This was an epic attack. Oddly enough, I wasn’t too upset. Bemused, deflated, disappointed. But, meh. I like relationships being friendships, even after they’re over. Big mistake with a true NPD. And man, he’s textbook. Now I can take see red flags in others and also see when someone has good boundaries and empathy. So I had a wonderful valentine’s with a very nice person!

Reply
Purpleanais February 15, 2015

This is just so accurate! Last year I had the worst valentine’s Day ever (even though I don’t do Valentine) because I finally found out how much of a liar my narcissist was. I was devastated and he basically got angry at ME for being angry at his deceit. He’s been in and out of my life ever since and this morning, while checking Facebook, I noticed no less than 12 statuses with lots of pics – not of his new love, but with a mutual friend we have whom he knows I don’t like very much. The days out he never had time for with me, he had time for with this other girl apparently, as it’s all over FB. Funny how it coincides with me telling him just 2 days ago that I want nothing more to do with him. ha!

Reply
    Kim Saeed February 15, 2015

    Thank you for sharing that, Purpleanais. It’s unfortunate how they turn a national day of romance into a horrible memory for any who are in a relationship with them.

    I truly hope you will be able to maintain No Contact and move forward with your healing journey. Hugs.

    Reply
      Purpleanais February 15, 2015

      Thank you 🙂
      It’s hard, isn’t it? If my narcissist hadn’t been a good friend for years before our friendship turned into something more, I would have been able to cut him off much more easily. As it is, it’s been a long process, very on and off because I miss the friend I used to have even though I hated the abusive lover.
      Thank you again 🙂

      Reply
      Shawn February 15, 2015

      Purpleanais – I know how you feel. I miss the friend I had. But he is blocked on all avenues for me. I know I will watch him and hate myself and I’ve hurt myself physically because of him. I will never allow myself to spy on him again. I don’t want to know the reality. My brain does enough messing with me. I just hope one day me, and every other one of us, is able to find a true, real love. I am so discouraged. Everything and everyone seems so superficial. It breaks my heart everyday.

      Reply
    Anonymous February 15, 2015

    I contacted the narc several days ago… ( fool that I am) … He made me feel even worse… Told me he’s a new man who has stopprd the heavy drinking … He actually texted” I don’t think you understand … It’s because of you that I drank I’m the first place… I don’t need to anymore…. My depression that you caused had gone…” That left me devastated… I defended myself tho… I didn’t cause his excessive drinking…. I don’t even drink… He has an addictive personality…. He says he’s found a whole new life now I’ve gone…. I doubt he will keep up this health kick for long… He’s basically lazy… He also said that I failed to see the childhood problems he had surface when his mother died last year… I didn’t fail to see it…. I recognised it and tried to support him.. This whole he started to push me away intimately… Wanted me to use a sex you in him…( begged me Incrssantly ) I refused… And I knew the discard was happening for good this time… He hadn’t attempted to contact me in four months… I was nice to homing the texts I sent… And yet he had to twist the knife again! I actually despise him… Living corpse that he is… I can’t help but think tho that his life is better……and yet I think if it us it will only be a temporary change…

    Reply
Add Your Reply

Leave a Comment: