What narcissists look like beneath the glamour

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Feb 19

 

~ photo by Sam Raimis

~ submitted by Ether

Warning – Trigger Alert – Proceed with Caution

Doing psychic healings with targets of narcissists, this is how I see the narc:

If you could see a narcissist beneath their ‘glamour’, they might resemble a big, spider-type creature.

They are in the center and they have eight cords coming of them with sharp hooks at the end. They need to have all these hooks in a variety of people to feed off of them sufficiently to feel alive. In the hook is an addictive substance for their targets. The most destructive situation is when they have all of their hooks in one person, feeding from only them. It should actually be a relief if they are hooked into their other friends, family or lovers. To see people competing on a psychic level over who can get the most hooks in them is disturbing beyond belief.

When you unhook them out of one person, their cords thrash about looking for somewhere else to put it. If you succeed in removing all that they have, at that moment they just lie there pathetically, squirming and dying on the floor desperately trying to reach out for at least one person to get a hook back into.

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(45) comments

Pat February 23, 2015

My ex narcissist joined Adult Children of Alcoholics 12-step program and has access to so much supply it’s frightening. He’s even managed to “13-step” and chose his next target from the program – a woman 20 years younger than him – young enough to be his daughter. This make me really sick, and especially since it’s totally against what he portrayed as his “righteous, I’m a good guy” persona when he was with me. I feel really sorry for our two sons, having to deal with dad and his new girlfriend who is the age of someone who could be their sister.

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Anonymous February 23, 2015

I really get the spider image and saw my ex do everything he could to find new supply. He changed his entire looks – cut his hair, shaved his beard, whitened his teeth, got an whole new wardrobe, started wearing sun glasses, joined Facebook and did everything possible to be appealing to ANY source of supply he could find. But, I think what really was the ultimate, was when he used a 12-step program, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) as his new means of supply. He never had friends or wanted me to have friends (or a life outside of him and his needs), and now he’s got more social engagements and friends than I ever saw him have in 30 years. Within a few months of our divorce being final, he started dating a woman young enough to be his daughter (20 years younger) than him. Guess how he met her? In the “program”. She hasn’t figured out yet what’s about to hit her. I feel really bad for my two sons who have to act like it’s okay that dad’s dating someone who’s only 7 years older than one of them. I’m sorry, but it’s just sick. I’m not saying ACA isn’t a good program. But, when a narcissist is in it, they can even take something that is helpful to people and twist it to meet their needs. I’ve spent a year and a half in therapy working through the ugly truths of being with a narc. There’s no timeframe, but for me, I’m just now starting to come out of the fog, and even so, I know there’s going to be times when I’m out and then will go right back into it. I do meditation, EMDR, reading about the disorder and have a great therapist (who also knows my ex because he was our marriage counselor for 2 years). No way around it – have to go directly through and be prepared for a lot of pain.

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    Jenny February 24, 2015

    I too am aware if an ex narc who has hit the change button.. He has stopped drinking … Runs to keep healthy… Stopped smoking… He couldn’t have sex with me for the last months of our 7 year relationship partly due to his excessive drinking… ( also he began to behave deviantly .. Wanting a man to penetrate him …wearing womens underwear etc…) … So I hear he’s behaving in a different manner now. He’s probably in a relationship now… If he wasn’t already before he discarded me … But I wonder how long he can do it for , before the real him emerges again… The him that only prob his ex wife and I knew… Everyone else thinks him a fantastic bloke! So my question is ..has he had a reality check because he realised how bad he had got… Or is it all going to be the same ..

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lilagee1 February 21, 2015

Very accurately described indeed.

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    Anonymous February 22, 2015

    Some have more weird behaviours than others… Not talking to a child is disgusting … My mother did this to me as a small child… Well all my life really… Until I discarded her when i was in my thirties !! She would ignite me for several days at a time.. And my sister would join in too… Amazing cruelty… My ex did the same… Going AWOL for days… Mind numbing idiots… It is painful.. But the freedom you gain is tremendous!

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      lilagee1 March 13, 2015

      Yes, I am on an amazing voyage of discovery at the moment. Up until recently I had thought that the only narcs in my life was my second husband and an ex friend… but it runs way way further back. I think my Grandfather started the ball rolling. .. then my sister who was 9 years older than I. Being on the receiving end of that and having to placate her for the sake of my mother set me up to a pattern of toleration. I am only just finding my worth at the age of 47…. all that time wasted on worthless people pains me slightly. I discarded my sister finally about 7 years ago, after she tried to get my children to collude against me with her (I only found out because my daughter told me her Auntie had asked her to lie to me) . With both our parents gone, I felt I didn’t have to maintain the Status quo anymore, and especially after trying to manipulate my children. And yes, I am narc free and I agree it is liberating. They try to find me though because I am so giving, I’ve been trained to.

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Anonymous February 20, 2015

Mary thank god you had a chance to see it!!! In action! I hope the young girl didn’t ! Lecherous!
I had similar things happen but not with someone so young… He would see someone and then not be able to stop himself looking…. I used to watch him looking… He’d be unaware.. He locked eyes with a woman driver once when we all got stuck on traffic…. And I was sat next to him .. It made me realise what a predator he was …. Always on the prowl…. Of course he did dreadful things to me … Cheated numerous times… Caused me to have a breakdown… Then blamed me for making him depressed so that he turned to heavy drinking,… He told me that in one of the last texts I received…. That he was a better healthier man without depression now he had got rid of me… Still the mind games and the cruel jab till the end… That was my turning point… Blaming me for his addictive personality and a depression!!!! I did feel that last extraction.. That last tentacle dragged out…. But the relief is tremendous…. Thank you for a great article… I needed it…. Those incision holes are healing well …

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    Mary February 20, 2015

    I’m so sorry anon that you had to go through this. And it still hurts me to this day. I push back the psychic cord connection, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I will take things one step at a time. I wish all of us didn’t have to hurt like this. But I know that not marrying him years ago when he asked me, it was the best decision. I followed my gut, I had two dreams about him leaving me destitute, and knew something wasn’t right. I have my angels to thank for that, even though he did cost me a lot financially and emotionally. I want you to heal. My angels gave me great protection and your will too. Have a happy journey through your life, and work on not letting this beast ruin who you are. Self love is not selfish. Love u!

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Sonya Jones February 20, 2015

I’m still ‘hooked’ and very scared. We have a 4 yr old daughter and we live with my elderly parents. Tried breaking up so many times, but I have chronic fatigue and can’t work and can hardly care for our daughter. Tried breaking up at Xmas but he ended up homeless and jobless so took him in. Most of the time it’s happy families. I don’t have any friends at all mainly bcos of the CFS, which I had before I met him. He is going away for work nxt week for 4 weeks.. I don’t want to let go, I hurt so much, at least I am not alone when with him and he has always been generous and helps out a lot with our daughter.. You don’t realise how hard this is.. Actually you do!! Sorry. I’m just so scared. I’ve asked him to stay off the dating sites just till he leaves for work.. It’s almost impossible for him tondo this. He knows we have to end and is desperate to find his next supply.. But I don’t want him to.. I need a miracle!! So often I just want to die.. I just don’t want to be alone 24/7..

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    Anonymous February 20, 2015

    I caught my ex narc looking at women all the time…. He always looked predatory…not just giving an appreciative glance from time to time like all men do..
    He reminded me of a predatory animal in the wild that has suddenly got a scent of something…. Disgusting animal that he was. My final dealings with him ( after 7 long awful years) was when he told me that he was now having a much better and healthier life ( running and stopped drinking) now he is rid of me… He told me I had caused his depression that made him drink !!! I did neither! I don’t drink either! He’d rather be on the pub with mates of a similar ilk than with me! In the final year he had got interested in freaky sex and started cross dressing … Going to work in stockings etc under his suit… He became interested in anal sex and stopped being able to have sex with me…. All the discard I know… But I tried so hard, I was the one who had had a breakdown and cut my wrists and had months off work because of him!!!!
    A wonderful description … I felt the last extraction with his last cruel words accusing me of making him unhappy… But glad I heard them… Glad he said them… These incision sites are healing now…. God help the next victim!

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      Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

      He sounds like a closet homosexual. It’s possible he could be misogynistic, as many Narcs are…especially the cerebral ones. It’s not the first time I’ve heard of the Narc cross-dressing and fantasizing about anal sex.

      I hope you’ve found a good therapist and are participating in good self-care activities. These people can be very detrimental to one’s psyche and physical health.

      I also hope you realize all the things he said about your being the reason for his alcoholism and such was just a blame game. They all do it.

      Reply
    Jenny February 20, 2015

    Try and unhook yourself and your precious children my love … You owe it to yourself and them…. Don’t let him keep on and on destroying you… You have made an effort and contributed to this site … We are all here… I wish I could come and fetch you away from him!!!!

    I had walked out on a very long marriage into this monsters arms… He let me down over and over … They do not change!!!! They cannot move on beyond the honeymoon stage! So he tells me he’s happier… Fitter… Stopped the heavy drinking and smoking dope… He may have done… For now… But that beast within will out again… And this time I hope he utterly destroys himself…

    Reply
    Ether February 21, 2015

    Sending you lots of healing and love. You are not alone there are millions of people who are going through this and they all have the same amazing characteristics and strengths, they have just forgotten about them and how to apply them to their own lives because they become lost in concentrating too much on the actions of their partners. These four weeks sound like the perfect opportunity to bring your attention back to yourself, to focus and how unique and special you are and to care for yourself in every way possible. Love and healing

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      Simple54 February 22, 2015

      Well said, focusing on what these sickos did and not ourself. This is exactly the situation I am in, I was discarded after 36 yrs of friendship and 16 yrs of being his wife. Throughout those years I always new something was wrong base on his rage, mood swings, arrogrance, belittling me and the list goes on. He walked out, one day after the silent treatment for a few days,one night he sat on the bed in silence when I ask him what is wrong, he responded I am not happy, it is not you, in the future you will understand. He immediately stop talking to my brothers and sisters who he was very close to. Since then he packs a bag and leave the home every other weekend only to return days after. He is now requesting a legal separation, I filed for divorce, but the pain of abandonment discard and devalue is devastating. My normal weight is 145, since this situation I am 102. Any help I can get PLEase, how to move on. By the way I found out he is seeing an ex from his pass, our 21 yr old daughter ran into him she stop the car and ask him “are you serious dad”? mind you the woman mother lives in the street behind our home , so he responded to our daughter “what is that suppose to mean” since that day last july he never spoke to her again and we share the same home. We have two children out of the marriage 22 yr old daughter and 15 yr old son. It’s a sad situation after all these years of me allowing him to be and at 58 he leaves his family to be with an ex. He told me these things happen the only sad thing it happen to me, yep that is how he justify it.

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    Anonymous May 29, 2017

    Your child needs you hon! Read books in bed together. Throw everything you have into that kid. Mine were taken away due to entanglements in bad relationship. I’d give anything to go back in time and say F the guys, partying and stuff, an lavish all i had on my kids. I was in terrible health and fatigued. Not the best mom
    . a miracle saved me. Pray for a guide to help you safely escape and please dont leave your little one behind

    Reply
Katherine February 19, 2015

Ugh…this is probably the best & most true description of “hooking” I’ve read! Narcissist free for a bit over a year, I can now see how he had several “hooks” in others…including his daughter, ex wife & the harem of ex girl friends. So blessed to be done & 100% “unhooked”. Thanks 🙂

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Thanks for commenting, Katherine! Glad you’re “unhooked” 🙂

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Roxton February 19, 2015

This article hits home but how do I protect the teenage children from this venom in a joint custody situation. He calls them multiple times a day , like brainwashing.

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    Ether February 21, 2015

    Mothers are healers and teachers. In these times that we are living in we are having to develop new ways of healing and teaching. Healers are having to accept to turn their skills away from trying to heal people who cannot be healed, like cluster B pathologies ,and instead teach how to protect themselves and others from the effects of them. As mothers we are learning to teach important skills to our children that are needed more than ever. We cannot control every situation around them but we can teach them skills to navigate for themselves. These skills are to have strong boundaries, a strong sense of self, a strong idea of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and being able to identifying the difference very early on. To have empathy, but not to negotiate with abusers and to believe in themselves and never lose sight of the small things that are important to them. Not everybody is affected by narcissists; there is a personality type that is more vulnerable than others. Creating a nourishing, positive, loving environment and teaching these skills will help children to navigate through life themselves later on. It is a valuable gift to our children.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Roxton, do they have their own phones or is he calling them on your landline?

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Elaine February 19, 2015

Kim, so very true. He had no friends, alienated his family. I was his only source of narcissistic supply. When, after 10 years, I was finally strong enough to totally let go. I saw him reaching out those hooks (tentacles) very quickly to bring someone else in to deceive. No contact is actually getting easier by the day. Thank you for your insight. Could not have done it without your site.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Thank you so much for sharing, Elaine. I’m glad to know that No Contact is getting easier for you and that you’re moving on.

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Anonymous February 19, 2015

18 months post marital break-up with a narcissist. I couldn’t see it clearly until he left when there was nothing left he could get from me. Only now do I realize what a huge favor he did by leaving. It’s taken me this long and lots of therapy, online reading to eventually recognize what I was living with. They are highly skilled at what they do for their “fix”. This hit home: “to feed off of them sufficiently to feel alive”.

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Janetjean February 19, 2015

gives chills- feel most of the hooks were in me…acouple others secondary victims….but he has just unhooked me since some horrible truth came out about “secrets”…..I pray he rehooks another soon…I was literally approaching insanity and loss of all I hold dear- all that remains “healthy” in my world

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mark February 19, 2015

finally someone who doesnt minimize the effects of having a narcissist or narcissists in your life

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Anonymous February 19, 2015

A great article as it is absolutely true in my case. I still have people following me and trying to trap me into conversations to take back to the ‘N’ and to setting me up to appear the person he has had people believe I am in which case I’m not.. These unaware people just have no idea they are puppets for these sad individuals and have the hooks latched onto them. After being free from this person since Sept 2013 he still continues to follow me via others and attaching those hooks into anyone that will listen and help him to continue the power and control he ‘thinks’ he still has They spend their days living a life of paranoia and will try to get their hooks into anyone that will listen to their story.

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Cho mo lung ma February 19, 2015

indeed, cutting the cords tonight, again !!!

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preedy44 February 19, 2015

Great analogy, and so fitting for a Narcissist!

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Cindy February 19, 2015

Stunned at the visual. Had to sit back and take a deep breath. Unbelievably captures the essence.

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Anonymous February 19, 2015

How wonderfully put…. Exactly right… Thank you

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Mary February 19, 2015

One of the very last times I was with my ex narc, I saw that beast. We were in a large store and I had gone off to another isle looking for something. When I came back he was looking at a young teenage girl with not much clothing on, and the look on his face was of a hideous monster. When he saw me the face literally “retreated”. Now, this man is physically beautiful to look at. The monster pushed through for a moment and I saw it. I have a psychic friend that told me a while back that he had a demon in him that controlled him at times. The demon turned out to be narcissism.

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luckyotter February 19, 2015

Wow. This makes me think of the movie Alien. I know what you mean.
That creature was the Mother of all Narcissists.
I am going to email you later today if that’s alright.

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    Kim Saeed February 19, 2015

    Sure thing 🙂

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akerulife February 19, 2015

Exactly how it felt, and to some degree still feels.

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    Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

    Yes, it does take a while to get the “addictive substance” out of our systems and clear our minds of the psychological exploitation.

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      Mary February 21, 2015

      Kim. How long does this take? I am NC completely, I don’t want him back, but I still have feelings for him. I know that even if he arrived on my doorstep I wouldn’t go back, knowing what I know. Yes, I do know all of the relationship was a lie and one sided. I truly loved this man and saw the pain in his heart at times, but I also know he refuses to confront the thing that hurt him the most and deal with it. He really hates women but loves the sex game, the thrill of the hunt, and all the other wolf like qualities. He is a predator, no doubt. I would like to think that I was not a stupid person, but I know I have a big heart and have to use my head first. How long did it take you? Thanks.

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        Kim Saeed February 21, 2015

        Mary, it took a long while. Healing from this type of abuse involves several stages such as working through grief, inner child healing, dealing with the anger, forgiveness of myself and other people in my life who hurt me. Ultimately, I had to heal from all of the wounds I’d carried around with me since childhood. I also had to heal from codependency, which is something we never heal from completely, but we can learn to recognize those tendencies and be aware of triggers.

        It wasn’t all bad along the way, but I was presented with lessons until I learned what I needed to learn (including landing into a relationship with another Narc). It took a little over three years, but again, I wasn’t in a state of destitution the whole time. In fact, I am happier now than I’ve ever been in my whole life.

        By the way, if he’s a Narc, he won’t “confront the thing that hurt him most and deal with it”. One thing that prolongs our healing journey is thinking they can be healed if only they recognize what’s going on within them. By the time they’re adults (and even before then), they cannot help their disorder anymore than they can change the color of their skin. It’s just part of who they are.

        What are you doing in the form of healing and self-care?

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          Mary February 21, 2015

          Well I have been reading a lot from Melanie Tonya Evans, and Richard Skerritt and I look at any and all Narc websites, books, etc. I look at my own self, discovered what my issue was originally and have been working on that too. I have a low self esteem and am working on that. I think the mind boggling thing happened in 2013. My son committed suicide. 3 days later my ex narc said he was too busy to be in a relationship. In October that same year we hooked back up. A couple of weeks later he Jason his FB that he was engaged to a girl in Germany while he was married and in the army. (All of that came out at a later date) anyway I told him shame on you for seeing me and being engaged. So he dumps her with the excuse she was using him to be legal in the United states. And we hook back up again. He is talking “us” again and I ate it all up like a dumbass. Then the final discard started. Ending in October 2014. I blocked his number and all contact. He lives on a hill behind my house and can see me with a pair of binoculars if he wants, I live on a ranch. He was seeing the woman I was dumped for a couple of months before he ended it with me, abruptly just like everyone else on this site. Like I said there is no way I would ever go back this time, I just want this to leave me alone and it won’t. Thanks for any help you can give.

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          Julie Minshull February 21, 2015

          How wicked …. Three days after your s

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          Mary February 21, 2015

          Yeah he was a real piece of work.

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      Julie Minshull February 21, 2015

      Well put!!!! Sent from Yahoo Ma

      Reply
loralei01 February 19, 2015

A wonderfully accurate description, thank God I am far enough out to find this amusing! Picturing my ex as big ugly spider!

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Jenny February 19, 2015

How wonderful…. Explains it exactly…..

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    Kim Saeed February 19, 2015

    I know, Jenny. Ether really knows her stuff! (She’s the one who submitted the post).

    Reply
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