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adult children of narcissists

Heal Childhood Wounding Due to a Covert Narcissistic Parent

As Adult Children of Narcissists (ACONs), coming out of denial about the abuse we experienced in childhood is a brave step along our healing journeys. When we can look at our parents with objective eyes and accept that the ‘love’ we received from them was conditional and stingy, then we become empowered to develop a healthier dynamic with our narcissistic parent(s) in the present, in which we are less susceptible to their manipulation tactics. For some, this realization may mean going no contact with their narcissistic parent(s). For others, it may mean developing healthier boundaries and a redefined notion of give and take in their relationship with mum or dad. In my personal experience, it has meant forgiveness of my mother who was/is neither able to express love towards me nor capable of giving me her direct attention.

As long as we keep telling ourselves that our controlling parents love/d us, we stay stuck in denial – a dangerous space where our parents still have the power to direct our lives and dictate our emotions. When the abuse suffered is overt – clear and apparent for all to see – then it is much easier to ‘own’ the fact that one is an ACON. However, in cases where the manipulation of the narcissist is/was subtle and under the radar, the adult ACON is likely to be confused about the real status of their one-sided relationship with their narcissistic parent. This can mean the ACON stays stuck in denial where they tell themselves the comforting lie that the abusive, controlling behavior of the narcissist parent towards them is an expression of his/her loving care.

While on the surface it may seem that a covert narcissistic parent really loves or is even devoted to their child, the reality is that every action of the narcissist is self-serving. This is because the narcissist parent uses their child(ren) as a means of validating the stories they wish to believe about themselves. Generally, these stories revolve around being seen as a ‘good’ parent whose children are accomplished or in some way special. However, look below the surface of the covert narcissist-child dynamic and you will see that the parent always has an agenda to get their own needs for narcissistic supply met by their child(ren). In other words, covert narcissist parents put on a masquerade of love in order to get their own needs and desires met by the child.

Covert Narcissistic Parents: 3 Under The Radar Types

The Smothering Narcissist – This kind of parent does not allow their child room to breathe. By ‘over-loving’ the child the narcissist controls every aspect of his/her life. Smothering narcissistic parents overwhelm their children with their unregulated emotions to the extent that their children learn to suppress their own feelings. While on the surface such parents may appear to be selflessly devoted to their children, their apparent self-sacrifice comes with strings attached. The child is not allowed to pursue their own path in life and is groomed to become the emotional caretaker of the parent, which due to a complete absence of boundaries between them, means that every mood swing or emotional dip experienced by the parent is felt by the child in tandem. If the child or ACON makes an attempt to take responsibility for his/her own life, the bid for freedom will be countered with guilt trips or explosions of narcissistic rage.

Adult Children of Smothering Narcissists say: ‘When you are happy, I am happy.’

The Mini-Me Creator Narcissist- This kind of parent creates a child in their own image. Parent and child appear to be so close that there is no separation between their personalities and interests; the mini-me is merely a younger version of the adult narcissist. While the dynamic between the narcissist and their mini-me shows a strong bond between them, the truth is that the child created in the image of their parent has no identity of their own. The adult mini-me may be so enmeshed with their parent that they are never able to fully separate from them.

Adult Children of Mini-Me Creator Narcissists say: ‘What would mum/dad say?’

The Dismissive Narcissist – This kind of parent denies their child of attention or validation of any kind. While the child may be well provided for in a practical sense by having all their material needs met, any kind of emotional connection from parent to child is distinctly lacking between them. The child of a dismissive narcissist learns not to seek emotional contact with the parent because attempts at bonding are dismissed and rejected by the narcissist. This kind of narcissistic parent is not able to give their full attention to the child at any time – chores, watching television, or socializing will always come first. Even if the child develops a talent or becomes a high achiever in some area of his/her life, the dismissive parent will only rarely or reluctantly acknowledge what the child has accomplished. Praise from parent to child will be particularly stingy, even wholly absent in the relationship.

Adult Children of Dismissive Narcissists say: ‘Nothing I do is ever good enough.’

Put the Past Behind You – Helpful Tips for Overcoming a Difficult Childhood

Fortunately, having a difficult childhood isn’t a life sentence to a terrible adult life. Even if you grew up suffering abuse, lived with parents who were addicted to alcohol or drugs, or suffered through a traumatic experience as a child, you can go on to become a happy and healthy adult.

Use these tips to put a difficult childhood behind you:

  1. Avoid blaming yourself. Many times, survivors of abuse blame themselves for what happened. This self-blame can carry on into adulthood.
  • People who have suffered abuse are often more mistrusting and sometimes even hostile to others. This can negatively impact your relationships. Ask others to be patient with you as you learn to trust them.
  • If you were abused or neglected as a child, know that it wasn’t your fault. When you come to this realization, you will start to see yourself in a better light.
  • You are a good person, who is deserving of a happy life. Start believing that.
  1. Learn to say no. If you had a difficult childhood, it’s likely that you weren’t allowed to say “no” without serious repercussions. As an adult, it’s okay to set some boundaries and expect others to respect them.
  1. Let the difficult times in your past make you stronger. If you experienced hardship, you can go one of two ways: either live in the past and dwell on the difficult times or decide to learn from the experiences and move on in a new, positive direction.
  • There’s a saying, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Although it can be challenging to use a difficult experience as a source of strength, it’s a healthy thing to do.
  1. Use positive affirmations. Everyone has their own internal dialogue. Make yours a positive one. Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. Say encouraging things and give yourself a pep talk whenever you need to.
  1. Surround yourself with positive people. Studies have shown that abuse sufferers often end up in abusive relationships. It’s up to you to break the pattern.
  • You want the important people in your life to be supportive and encouraging. Therefore, it’s best to eliminate those who are a negative influence on your life.
  1. Seek the help of a therapist. Overcoming traumatic childhood experiences can be quite difficult. A professional therapist can help you navigate your way through some of the issues and challenges you might be facing.

If you had a difficult childhood, these tips can lead you down a more positive path during adulthood. However, these suggestions may only be the first step. You may need to see a mental health professional to learn some other strategies for coping with the past. Isn’t it time to put it behind you once and for all?

Co-authored by Kim Saeed and Jade Joddle – Copyright 2017

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13 comments
Samsara says December 7, 2015

Hey Kim! I was doing research tonight and look what I found! I wonder if Jade Joddle could answer – or you, Kim – if there are these ‘3 under the radar types’ are there other classifications of _not_ under the radar types?

Also, this right here, is particularly harrowing:

“While on the surface it may seem that a covert narcissistic parent really loves or is even devoted to their child, the reality is that every action of the narcissist is self-serving. This is because the narcissist parent uses their child(ren) as a means of validating the stories they wish to believe about themselves.”

Wonderful information!

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Cat says June 10, 2015

Such a wonderful post. I’m just starting to learn all about the narcissistic parent, so this was refreshing and funny

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sal war says March 22, 2015

Little bit of light reading for you. Good to meet you yesterday. Hope your week goes ok. See you Saturday Cheers Sally

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Toxic Relationship Hacks: 10 Shocking Facts About Narcissistic People - QueenBeeingQueenBeeing says March 19, 2015

[…] For ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists […]

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Joddle says March 19, 2015

If you have narcissist parents… you might also like this video about being the black sheep of the family: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wA7wArkcXI

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irenedesign2011 says March 10, 2015

Very good post 😉

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sehven7 says March 10, 2015

seven993@gmail.com

From:”Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed” Date:Tue, Mar 10, 2015 at 4:47 AM Subject:[New post] For ACONs – Adult Children of Narcissists

Kim Saeed posted: “Narcissistic Parents: Coming Out of Denial – by Jade Joddle  As Adult Children of Narcissists (ACONs), coming out of denial about the abuse we experienced in childhood is a brave step along our healing journies. When we can look at our parents with obj”

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kimberlyharding says March 10, 2015

Another excellent post, Kim. You always make things so clear.

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    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2015

    Thank you for such kindness, Kimberly 🙂 I wish I could take credit for the article, but it was written by my colleague, Jade Joddle. I hope she gets to read your comment <3

    Reply
      d joist says September 5, 2015

      …and youre not a narcissist

      Reply
    Joddle says March 19, 2015

    Thanks Kimberleyharding, glad you liked the post. 🙂

    Reply
Cho mo lung ma says March 10, 2015

Reblogged this on Parental Alienation's dirty secrets , akin to Domestic Violence 40 yrs ago.

Reply
    Kim Saeed says March 10, 2015

    Thank you for the reblog!

    Reply
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