Narcissists will rarely ever admit to it, but all of your worst fears regarding your relationship are playing out just underneath the radar of your awareness.
You know that ever-present, vague sense of dread you have in the pit of your stomach, wondering if they’re lying or telling the truth? That’s your intuition, which can cause physical sensations in the body.
Our “gut feelings” are called that for a reason — research suggests that emotion and intuition are very much rooted in the “second brain” in the gut. In fact, Michael Gershon, professor and chair of pathology and cell biology at Columbia, says, “The gut can work independently of any control by the brain in your head—it’s functioning as a second brain. It’s another independent center of integrative neural activity”.
But don’t take my word for it. You can read all about it on Psychology Today in an article titled, Your Backup Brain.
My job here is to give you a breakdown of how the Narcissist in your life – employing very specific techniques of psychological manipulation – lies in your face while keeping hidden secrets that would literally bring you to your knees. Below, I map out the four most common lies of narcissistic spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés, and partners of varying degrees of intimacy – and the secrets they’re keeping from you.
“Baby, I’d never do that to you. You mean everything to me. You and I are soulmates, remember? I’d lie down and die for you. The fact that you’re even suggesting I’ve been unfaithful is almost more than I can bear.”
Hidden Secret – He very much IS doing that to you. Those texts he gets at inopportune times, the hypervigilance in keeping a passcode on the home screen of his phone, the weird disappearances, the snake-like aura…those are all signs that he’s still seeing his Ex (or co-worker, boss, neighbor, etc.) In fact, he’s telling her the same lie above as he’s saying to you. Don’t fall for his excessive charm and candy-coated untruths. In fact, you may want to start writing everything down so your logical mind can make connections and see patterns that your brainwashed mind is sweeping aside.
“I never made that promise to you. I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s clear that you misunderstood what I said.” Or, “I don’t recall that specific conversation, but whatever I said wasn’t meant in the way you understood it”.
Hidden Secret – You do remember it correctly, and you understood it perfectly. This is a classic example of gaslighting. Whatever promise he made to you was a flagrant lie made during a hoovering episode, or made to cover up another lie that you discovered to divert your attention away from the fact that he was LYING.
“I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but I’m a sex/porn addict. I’ve been trying to work on it, but I just thought I should be honest with you in case it comes up. I hope you can work with me through this issue. Don’t give up on me, baby. It’s no reflection of my feelings for you, I swear.”
Hidden Secret – He has absolutely no intention of changing this little habit of his. He just threw the card on the table so that if you shuffled it into the mix, you’d have no recourse when it comes up (and it WILL come up). This is another blueprint behavior of the lowly, and Narcissists (generally of the overt, somatic, histrionic type) say this to every single one of their partners. Why? Because they’re deep in the middle of online dating and porn sites, fapping left and right, sending pics of their nether-regions to various prospects, serial cheating, participating in bi-sexual “curiosity”, and sometimes…even pedophilia. It’s just a matter of time before you find out, and he wants to smooth the way for when that happens.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said. I know it’s important to you, so I’ve decided to go to counseling.”
Hidden Secret – This is a ploy to keep you in the queue for as long as humanly possible. During all of my time studying narcissism and working with clients, not one case has seen a happy ending because of the narcissist’s humanitarian, soul-searching “decision to go to counseling”. In fact, it usually ends in their victim needing their own therapy because of the tricks and mind-games that ensue.
I wish I had better news, but you could spend the next ten years of your life negotiating, compromising, educating, begging, crying, and crawling, but you’ll still never get the Narcissist to see your point of view. Not only will they not see your point of view, they will still be carrying out all of the above atrocities in ten years, plus ones you won’t even know about. It’s all part of narcissist mind games.
I think you deserve better.
I think the nicer thing to do for yourself would be to take a few days pondering what your relationship is bringing you on a heart and soul level, start listening to your intuition, and make your decision to stay or leave accordingly.
Copyright 2015. Kim Saeed and Let Me Reach
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