The Realm of the Narcissist

By Kim Saeed | Narcissism

Apr 27

 ~ by Ether

Whilst we live in a world full of beauty, love, depth, feelings, thoughts and experiences, narcissists do not. They don’t possess the capability to see such a world, nor to appreciate anything in it, including you, and so they don’t waste any time there trying. They prefer instead to bring people into their maze realm that they can control.

Narcissists cannot operate in any profound way with another person, nor are they interested in learning how to.  But, they are desperately dependent upon other people to survive, to progress, to receive praise, and to fulfill their hidden uncontrollable and incurable desire to frustrate, humiliate or destroy, often as covertly as possible so that they can enjoy the other person’s confusion.

Narcissists cannot offer any type of insight, recognition, responsiveness, or reciprocation that is part of a healthy and fulfilling life; they can in fact only operate within a very limited realm of their own making. They can only control the people who willingly come into this realm and stay in it.

The problem is that most people do not realize that they willingly walked into the narcissist’s unhealthy maze realm.  They thought they were following the path to a reciprocal relationship with a person who was just holding a part of themselves back, not a person who was totally incapable of love and hiding a selfish and ill-willed agenda.

Once a person has entered into this maze realm, the narcissist truly believes that they do not have to be held responsible for anything that he or she does to the other person, especially anything he or she does NOT do for the other person, because the other person willingly volunteered themselves up to them and it is their own choice to stay – no matter the weather.

Narcissists try to keep people in their maze realm for extended periods of time by employing a variety of well documented, tried, and tested techniques. These techniques include intimacy followed by the silent treatment, intermittent praise and flattery with progressively longer periods in-between, saying and acting in contradicting ways, using language that can have different meanings, passive aggression, the push-pull technique, etc.  All are designed to keep you focused on them and to keep you trying harder to get closer to them whilst making sure that it never happens, as really, there is literally nothing to get closer to.

These manipulation techniques are very easy to employ if you do not have feelings or very much interest in other people.  Whilst you are in the narcissists’ realm you are in a perpetual state of trying to resolve an unresolvable mystery.

In truth, the mystery is that there is nothing more to them. Nothing. Yes, they enjoyed (perhaps even intensely) moments with you, but not in the same way that you did.  There is no deep impact on them afterwards; to them it is like they have just watched an enjoyable film, nothing more.  Their deeply ingrained self-serving dysfunction always kicks back in again no matter how much they seemed to connect at any moment by mirroring you. They are just attractive actors.

Narcissists are one dimensional, they cannot love and only care about themselves. The longer that they can confuse you into believing that there is something more to them, or that it is leading towards something special, or that you are helping them to become a better person, the more they can get out of you now or in the future.

To leave the realm of the narcissist is to turn off the spotlight that is on them and put the big light on. To see them for how disappointingly dull they really are beneath their façade and to see how deeply fascinating you are.  Yes you, the person looking for the answers so that you can leave the nightmare, so that you can grow, for you are the truly interesting one. The next step is to convert them into a distant memory, little by little, by putting no contact between you and them so that later you can focus your energy on you and your life. Which, in no sane world, is where a complex, loving, multifaceted, deep person like yourself is catering to the needs of a predictably dull, one dimensional narcissist.

If this sounds like your experience and you’re ready for a change, let me tell you that life CAN absolutely be different. It may not happen overnight, but it starts with having the vision. You are not here to be your partner’s emotional punching bag. However, it’s important to come to terms with the fact that you have to let go of the things you have no control over and that includes the expectation that somehow your partner will finally “get it”.  It includes accepting that the only way your life can be different is to focus on the things you CAN change.
If you’ve suffered the pain of narcissistic abuse, I’d love to share with you the tools to let go of the hurt – and develop new ways of thinking, and even dating.  You can find out everything you need to know in my book, How to Do No Contact Like a Boss! 

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(23) comments

Andrea McCarthy July 27, 2016

I’m curious. I MOST certainly just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. Classic signs, I have classic symptoms etc. The only thing though…is that he recognizes he is unable to love anyone (or so he told me for years…as I tried to change/help him) and that he is wounded. He had moments of clarity that to me says somewhere deep down he knows what he is. But then of course he calls me crazy and I feel crazy. Anyways, I’m feeling great after reading posts and now I’m checking out your book. Ty!!

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KC November 11, 2015

If only “no contact” worked on someone who’s determined to maintain contact. For years, I got hang-up phone calls, checking to see if I was home or out on a date, checking to see if a man answered. He parks outside my house to see who’s coming and going. He still has the drivers license with this address on it and has found a mobile locksmith who doesn’t notice that it expired ten years ago, who will make him new keys every time I change the locks (helpful hint: pickproof locks — the only way to open that door without a key involves power tools that will attract attention).
Over the summer, I found a Coke bottle with the name of my ex-fiance’, ordered some luxury vacation brochures in the name of Mr. & Mrs. Ex Fiance’, and left them on the front porch. Sure enough, didn’t take long and the box was taken. The mail was found under the street lamp, where he could see to read the name on it (but it wasn’t going to get him jailed for mail theft), but the Coke bottle was taken. I’m sure it irks him no end that I am supposedly marrying someone who can afford to take me on such expensive honeymoon trips.

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Jayce Allen June 27, 2015

Kim, after reading several of your posts two questions came to my mind:
1) Are these narcissists born with narcissism or did they develop it?

2) Can someone as young as 15 be considered a narcissist? And how do you tell normal teenage narcissism apart from the real narcissistic disorder?

If you can help me answer these questions I will really appreciate it, thank you for reading

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    Kim Saeed June 27, 2015

    Hi Jayce, thanks for stopping by and commenting. #1 – It’s actually case-by-case. Some people are born with irregularities in their cerebral cortex, while others are a product of their environment. In the second case, it’s generally because there was a narcissistic parent in the home where the behaviors were learned and/or the child didn’t feel loved or nurtured. #2 – There’s not enough info to form an educated answer, but teenagers are emotionally immature and can come across as selfish, but if they are narcissistic, there’s typically an element of cruelty and making others feel badly about themselves. Hope that helps!

    Reply
Olivia Rose May 3, 2015

Excellent article. I think that once we are able to grasp this on the “heart” level rather than just on an intellectual level, we are finally able to break their control over us. They do not care, they do not have the capacity to care. I think they could back over you with a truck and not feel a thing……….and once you finally “get it”……..you will never never look back……….but admittedly, they play a good game, they are superb actors and it sometimes takes a very long time to truly understand what they’re about.

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    Sandy May 3, 2015

    Your comment about backing over someone sure rings a bell with me. After several episodes where my ex would just up and leave (leading to varying durations of the silent treatment), I vowed next time he tried to pull that, I was going to physically block my driveway to prevent his exit. Sure enough, next time he got in a huff and headed for the door I ran out the other and sat on the ground behind his car with my head and shoulders against his back bumper. Despite the fact I was in tears, begging him to please stay so we could figure out whatever it was that upset him so, he coldly got into his car, shut the door, fired up his extremely loud dual-exhaust engine, and put it in reverse. The noise alone scared me, but the jolt from feeling the car go into gear made me absolutely run from fear of what could happen next. That was one of the many turning points for me, because despite all that day entailed as far as disillusionment, heartbreak and fear, he still rolled right out of my driveway and left…again. It took me awhile longer to figure out I was dealing with a narcissist, and for the last few years we were still together, he always laughed his head off anytime the blocking incident was brought up. I was completely traumatized by the whole event, but he never cared and only saw it as another opportunity to laugh out loud at me. Only a narcissist could look back on such an event and find it utterly entertaining. No one will ever get away with treating me that way again…I’d rather live alone under a rock somewhere than ever put up with such despicable treatment again. Adios and good riddance, because I’m no longer abused and mistreated!

    Reply
Opinionated Man April 30, 2015

Can a person be a little bit of a narcissist and not hurt anyone and still be an ok person? 🙂

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[…] But in reality, both the “jealousy” and the “anger” are merely tools in the hands of a deeper driving force: the desire to dominate and control another person out of extreme self-centeredness, otherwise known as narcissism. […]

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mel April 28, 2015

Can someone please tell me when the pain ends? I honestly. Cannot take anymore. I never thought this man that I loved could betray Me and abuse me such a way that I am down and so depressed. HE DRINKS all the time and vandalized my car last Wednesday by punching windshield, kicking side in and then punching my steering wheel Now my horn blows if I Dont hold the cover while turning and Now only says he will fix windshield. He slammed my foot in door all this because I would not come lay with him. I have been sleeping on couch I cry myself to sleep every night. What a miserable way to live. I never cease praying, when will it all end?

He walks around like nothing has happened of course he’s ignored me since which makes I’d so inhumane. Can someone please give me some insight. Anyone been through the emotional and physical abuse all the while leaving me in dismay after?

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mel April 28, 2015

In it:( very sad to spend any amount of time living in such turmoil but seems like having a big heart always bites me in my ass.

Will these kinds of shallow people ever get convicted for such hatred and abuse?

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Monkey April 28, 2015

I have been no contact for years, and some days I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that my mother never truly loved me. Yes, feeling like a rat trapped in a maze, doing more and more elaborate tricks to get some treats, that is pretty much how the first 32 years of my life were spent… Oh well, onwards and upwards! Fly Free, M

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Angela April 27, 2015

Yes! This came at just the right time. They are so full and boring underneath. They have nothing to give and they feel nothing. My ex narc loved giving the silent treatment after intimacy. It was so confusing. It makes sense now… a game to keep me focused on him and wondering how he could be so cruel. He knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose. Just cruel. Well now I’m 40 days narc free. Its tough to go through the pain of giving up someone u thought u loved. It was all a fake. He wasn’t real.. He only showed what he thought I wanted and when I fell in love ❤ w the illusion the mask came off. All the rollercoaster drama. The making up and more drama again only to get worse and progressively worse. I welcome the pain now but it feels wonderful to be outside of the web!!

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Sandy April 27, 2015

Kim, I’ve been wondering how so many narcissists all seem to have the same game plan, the same bag of tricks, the same story line? It’s almost as if they’ve all graduated from the same University of Narcissus. Have there been studies to find out how could this almost carbon copy behavior displayed by such a huge swath of all levels of society be so prevalent? It seems to me if ten people were randomly asked to dream up a method to thoroughly capture and destroy another human, we’d hear ten completely different plans. How do they all think and act so alike?

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    Anonymous April 28, 2015

    Excellent question, I’ve been wondering the same for years and very much would like to find out the answer too..
    A behaviour, state of being so alien and unthinkable and yet they all seem to have the exact same carbon copy of it, I mean they are all ridiculously alike deep down, and both male and female narcissists.

    I have the very unsettling suspicion lingering in the back of my mind that this mode of being may actually be hard-wired into humans through evolution. Humans might have two very distinct modes in which they can exist, the normal one, and when the more evolved frontal lobes are knocked out, and/or the higher feelings like love don’t work, and/or empathy doesn’t work, THIS other stuff takes over, or is what “remains”. It might be a psychopathic failsafe mechanism to keep the “human” going to maximize survival..

    Or not.. I don’t get it, really..

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inspiredbythedivine1 April 27, 2015

Excellent post.

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Michael O Pickens April 27, 2015

“predictably dull, one dimensional”
reminds me, precisely, of my father – T Boone Pickens

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made58 April 27, 2015

Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.

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    Kim Saeed April 27, 2015

    Thank you for sharing my article! <3

    Reply
JR April 27, 2015

I was having a gut wrenching moment and I opened my email and saw this. Thank you for these informative and inspirational posts. You have helped me today although the pain is still quite raw. It’s still so hard to believe the deception and trickery these people use to harm the hearts and souls of others. Peace to you all.

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Mary April 27, 2015

All of this is the truth. There is nothing there. The thing that IS there is you…and you had to be something special or the narcissist would have never chosen you…sad but true. Now go and heal and find yourself again, you will feel better, freer and more confident than ever before. Make this person a distant memory. Let them abuse someone else, it is their turn now, and they will learn the valuable lesson that you did.

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    Melanie September 19, 2016

    I am heart broken. I don’t want someone else to suffer. I want to help my narcissist instead of giving up on him. I have learned so much about him after finding out about what I was up against. So relieved that I wasn’t going crazy because it sure felt like it. They are human beings who through something awful happening to them that they become like this. It has to be so frustrating for them. Let’s step into their shoes for a minute.

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      Charles McFarling January 3, 2017

      You can’t change him, Melanie. It is tragic, and something it took me a long time to get, but he is irreparably damaged and you can’t fix him…. no matter how much love you show him.

      Run, read, and save yourself. Good luck….you WILL be ok!

      Reply
        Melanie January 12, 2017

        It doesn’t feel like I will be ok. I appreciate your reply.

        Reply
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