A Lesson in Self-Love after Narcissistic Abuse

By Kim Saeed | Maintaining No Contact

May 03

I sat down to write him another email…

The words poured out effortlessly.  I wanted him to understand how neglected I felt; how vulnerable and insecure his actions made me feel.

Then, before hitting the “send” button, I decided to save my rant as a word document, instead.  Doing so seemed like the mindful thing to do since, realistically, it wasn’t up to him to repair my feelings of insecurity.  An email tsunami to my partner wasn’t the answer.  It was unfair to expect him to fix my feelings of unworthiness, even if his actions (or inaction) were what triggered my feelings of fearful vulnerability in the first place.

In fact, if your partner is a Narcissist, he or she will only use your vulnerability against you and make it worse.

But, my new partner wasn’t a Narcissist (at least I didn’t think so)…and maybe I was driving him away with my insecurity.

I decided in that moment to back away from the relationship a little.  To allow myself the opportunity to sit with my feelings of insecurity, vulnerability, and fear.  Only by doing this and realizing I had more work to do, would I ever get to a place of true serenity.  The thought of being alone frightened me, but it had to be done.  If we were meant to be, things would work themselves out.

Only I could fix my insecurities, not anyone else.

Even though he had acted in ways that triggered my fears, I needed to trust my higher power. Maybe, just maybe, our relationship wasn’t meant to be and I was trying to force it because I was afraid.  Perhaps our relationship was only meant to be temporary, another catalyst to help me grow and evolve.

I had to feel the fear and do it, anyway.

So, I decided to gently tell my partner I needed time away from our relationship.  If our love was meant to be, we would find a way back to one another.

But, I had to find the way back to myself first.

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(19) comments

What a lovely post, and always a good reminder. Thanks! xM

Reply
Joddle May 5, 2015

Oh wow I’ve been in this situation more times than I can count. Being triggered so easily as soon as I began to date someone and then sending email or text message tsunamis.

For me being not able to control myself in this way and having all the toxic shame and regret on top of it is what I associate with being a ‘benign borderline’. – basically losing self-control when being triggered but mostly turning it in on myself as self-hate.

The funny thing is (not funny.. amazing) is that this has been cured in me and I NEVER thought it would be possible because it seemed to be part of my deepest of wounds.

It’s a really long story but when I fell in love with my boyfriend we got separated and he went in hospital for a month where I was unable to contact him and was blocked by his family. I was triggered so much during this time that I PHYSICALLY felt that needy hole in my heart that had always been there close over. I see now that that trauma was actually a healing. Life is stranger and more magnificent than most people can ever realise. I am free now and not needy. Not now in this relationship and not ever later x

*Jade Mitchell* Speaking Skills Specialist

http://jadejoddle.com/

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Lisa G. May 4, 2015

Excellent post Kim! To build ourselves back to the person we were prior to the Narc is so important and takes time because little by little that mean-spirited person, a/k/a the Narc started to diminish the independent, loving, and strong-minded woman I was and still am but just got lost for a little while feeling low self-esteem due to his imbalanced ways. My boundaries have been regained and thanks to you and all your informative posts teaching me just who this person was and what was going on in my relationship, I am feeling like ME again! Thank you again, Kim!!

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Kelly May 4, 2015

I ended my emotionally, verbally and mentally abuse relationship (only married for 3 months when it all started!) back in February and have done no contact since early March, instead paying my lawyer to handle any correspondence from him. I’ve had to change my phone number that I had for over 10 years, my work direct line, my work email and my personal email. I have blocked him from Facebook and I have cancelled my LinkedIn profile just to ensure that he has absolutely no way of reaching me and the no contact I knew was necessary, could successfully enable me to start to move on. No question, i loved this man and wanted to spend my life with him – I have definitely had moments of weakness and despair when I have wanted to text him or instigate conversation but I realise it’s so important not to, for the sake of my sanity and my safety. He was an expert at mind games – it won’t stop at one email or phone call. I don’t want him to know how much he has damaged me deep down, his last words in an email to me were the most derogatory, vile, toxic words a man could ever say to his wife when the day before he was kind and loving. No matter what I did or however I tried to please him it would have never been enough. Caught in a cycle of one week loving and romantic, two weeks of silent treatment or disappearing acts, verbal abuse and wondering what on earth I had done wrong (nothing of course) and then a week of him trying to make it up to me and bring me back around to forgiving him for his diabological behaviour. Everyone at work thought I had the most loving husband sending me flower bouquets each month – little did they know that they were apology presents for whatever treatment I copped the night before. I have since found out so many things about his life with me that I didn’t know about at the time we were together and worse still he doesn’t know that I even know these things. I wish so much I could have one final “go” at him for hurting me like he has and to let him know about all the things I have found out, but my friends and family remind me it’s not worth the ramifications. I know with him it wouldn’t end at me sending one email, it would come back ten fold and of course all be my fault. He is already playing the victim, slandering me and viciously implying to anyone who will listen that this was my fault and that I’m some pyscho. That really hurts and it’s distressing. Emailing him will have no impact whatsoever other than to give him even more of an ego boost and I’m not prepared to do that. I will keep up the no contact and hope to God I don’t run into him while out and about. Meantime, I bought a journal today and will begin putting my thoughts onto paper. I’m hoping that in time I will eventually be too busy with my new life to even be bothered writing about the pain and suffering he has caused me and my family. The financial burden he’s put on me will eventually improve and I’ve had to make significant changes to my financial situation just to get by, including putting my house on the market to release funds so I can start afresh. I’m not so sure the personal derogatory comments will ever go out of my head, that will take a long time to recover from if ever at all. The mere thought of those final words to me and I burst into tears. I hope that one day I can learn to truly love me again and be the bubbly, self confident person I was before this nightmare started. It’s going to take a lot of time and I have good days and really really bad ones but I’m really proud of myself that I have stuck to my guns about no contact, it categorically is going to be the ONLY way you can ever heal from being with someone like this. Lucky for me I don’t have children with this person so establishing no contact has been alot easier than his poor (other) ex wife who he does have children with and she has also established no contact with him unless it relates to their children!! Anyway, sorry for the long email but it’s actually been therapeutic to put it down in words. To anyone reading this, really, the only way to even think about moving on from this relationship/behaviour is to establish no contact (or minimal contact if you have children). Allow yourself to work towards internal freedom of the soul and mind, something I am really working hard on but it’s early days and it’s going to take a lot of time.

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    Anonymous July 14, 2017

    I began to wonder if you and I dated the same man. I am on day 19 of no contact with my narcissistic boyfriend of four years. We broke up four times. I feel foolish for going back each time. But this time, the fiffh break up is final. I finally realize that he will never change. He is mean-spirited, controlling, insecure, quick to anger, aggressive, and more.

    Every time I went back, we had a honeymoon stage where he was nice and I was hopeful that it would last.. Each time he fell back into his old suspicious ways. I tried over and over to prove that I was faithful and true to him.

    I let him look at all my electronic devices and took a lie detector test. He would drop me off and pick me up at work and we spent every evening and weekend together. Even though we were together 24/7, he was still suspicious of me. He started questioning about my coworkers which was the only time I was away from him. It sounds pathetic but I’m on the mend. My girlfriends have welcomed me back with open arms. And I love them for that. My family is happy for me too. Don’t contact your narcissistic partner and please, please don’t go back for another round.

    Reply
May May 4, 2015

What if it’s from parent narcissist, reinforced by a relationship that’s ended?

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jansolt6@gmail.com May 3, 2015

Kim, I can totally relate to what you are saying, because I too struggled, continue to struggle with insecurities, self-doubt, and feelings of isolation and abandonment. Whenever I feel these negative emotions, it is like warning lights going off, pointing me to something important that I need to deal with.

Usually, they are indicators that I have put too many expectations on a person who isn’t capable or interested in meeting my needs! Sometimes these people can be relatives or a significant other who are weak in the areas, where I wish/need them to be strong for me!

One disturbing trend that I see happening today is how inconsiderate many young people are allowing their partner to behave! A partner should be considerate, purposeful, showing initiative in making plans and revealing their true expectations for the relationship.

One should never allow themself to be “the guy or girl for now/cash cow”, accepting last minute plans or constant changes (< 8 hr notice) or ponying up more than half of the expense for meals, entertainment, transportation, etc.

I once had to break it off with a man I really liked, cared about, because of "unfairness,". Once, the initial wooing was over, he had no problem coming to my house every weekend, eating all the food that I bought/paid for, then saying he was too broke to treat me to meals out. Yet, he could afford weekly bowling, professional singing lessons, and daily coffee runs. The last straw was when he declined a weekend outing with my friends saying that he didn't have the funds due to all the debt his Ex saddled him with! I politely told him that until he puts his financial house in order, he shouldn't be in a committed relationship!

The morale of my story is that many people seek out a relationship to get their NEEDS met, while never considering that they need to reciprocate and are prepared to meet someone else's needs too!!!!

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Donna T. May 3, 2015

I was in a co-dependent (empath/narcissist) relationship for 11 years with a man who said I was the “love of his life.” The last time I got yelled at, a small part of my self-worth that was left realized walking on eggshells, being made to feel stupid, getting yelled at, and then the silent treatment, every couple of weeks was not okay. Being cheated on because I wasn’t giving him enough attention was not okay. Not being allowed to show any “negative” emotion was not okay. In weak moments, I wrote those e-mails, too–professing my love, showing my vulnerability, saying I was sorry……..and SENT them. It gave me a “high” that lasted a day or two. He would see how my heart was breaking…..he would see that we were meant to be together…..he would miss me…..he would tell me he’s never loved anyone as much as he loves me……he would tell me he couldn’t live without me. No surprise to those who have read your posts, Kim, I received no answer back, except one time, and it was to tell me how angry he was at ME. It’s been two months, now, and I haven’t established No Contact, because I’m doing baby steps. Some days are good and some days are bad, but I was given some advice from a friend who said, “I’m so sorry, but you have to live through the pain.” Sounds depressing, but in a weird sort of way keeping this in mind has kept me a little saner. I make sure I do something physically active every day, use aromatherapy oils, surround myself with people who have a great sense of humor, and put one foot in front of the other. Thanks for listening and being here when I need it.

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2015

    Donna, I truly believe these experiences are sent to help us grow and evolve.

    Your friend is right…we have to live through the pain, and hopefully that pain will point us to the wounds that we need to heal so that no one can ever have such a devastating effect on us again.

    Life is generous that way…giving us the same lessons over and over until we finally learn them. It’s painful for sure, but if we do the self work, life gets much better – and fulfilling.

    Wishing you all the very best, Donna <3 Thanks for commenting!

    Reply
mpoppins May 3, 2015

I have written many emails and always saved them as drafts. I go back months or weeks later and re read them. Then I think OM Gosh! Really? so not worth the time I take writing them…

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Anonymous May 3, 2015

This line of yours reminded me the movie, “Forrest Gump”, after Jenny made love with him, then she went away. Do you have any ideas on how much he does love her without pressure? She is the whole world to him. Eventually, she wanted him back.

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Liza May 3, 2015

What if he still wants u back!
Tell him what he’s done, ran away for3 years.
Kids wanted to see him, ok, without me but with protection. He takes son miles away, he broke agreement .
Not seen kids for year. Turning up in middle night, leaving letters in porch to ME!
Police can do nothing till he beats me again.
Every week he try’s to come to door when he can meet kids down rd.
He is in charge of my PTSD.
I have to see docs this week coz she worried about home life! U all know that means children services!!
????? Huh ????

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jessiejg62690 May 3, 2015

I like what you said about if our love was meant to be, I tend to try to think like that. Although the pain feels unbearable without this person that had such a great effect on us is not with us anymore, we need to still live our lives and carry on. If they decide to come back onto the road we are traveling for ourselves, then so be it.

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jessiejg62690 May 3, 2015

I have been there too. In July I had ended my relationship to my fiance because I felt we were growing apart and it has been a disastrous split. Although I am trying to stay strong and I am attempting to carry on without speaking to him, it still hurts….. a lot. He always popped into my life with what I called a “needing to be filled up” when I guess he was not getting enough attention from the women he has been finding on tinder/partying with. So I gave him an altimatum which I knew the answer to prior to saying it. I gave him some time to think about us…about two months or so and to see if we could work this out and if not, I needed the no contact rule, so I told him I would block and delete him from everything and it would be as if I were dead. During this time he never bthered to call, text…nothing and when I would ask why, he said he did not have the time to think about us, yet that was not stopping him from late nights and flirting with other women via twitter, instagram, etc. This was driving me nuts, I knw I deserved better than this being dragged along for an answer I already knew, so one day I was like just tell me so I can get on with my life. His reply was “I am sorry I cannot do it this year” so I said if not this year than no year. He had nothing left to say so I knew just how much our “love” actually meant…then about a few weeks later he writes a blog post about our love and how it was so amazing because we knew eachother and it was as close to unconditional as possible d he had to let me go to be happy and he told me to act as if he were dead. He knew I would read it, but I never said a word although I was a whole mess of feelings. I always feel like I want to break my silence and just send an email, a letter, a phone call…something, but what is the use? I cannot change his mind and at this rate, I could never trust him. I just want to wake up one day and be okay with him being gone

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Mary May 3, 2015

Thanks. Very powerful and I also needed to read this. I wish I was as strong as you.

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2015

    Thank you, Mary…I’d bet you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for <3

    Reply
thehappyhugger May 3, 2015

I can so relate to this…

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    Kim Saeed May 3, 2015

    Thanks for sharing that <3

    Reply
Mary May 3, 2015

That was so beautiful.

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