By ~ Anonymous
I lay on the bed. It was about to happen again. I had a sick sensation beginning from my torso and upward. The sensation coursed up and slowly to my head every time – following the hallucinations.
I had lost over twenty pounds in two weeks and the doctors could find nothing wrong. I would become violently sick at times, only to lie in bed and hallucinate other times. Still no diagnosis. The high-priced antibiotics did nothing for my condition. They suspected food poisoning, but food poisoning does not last for four months. However, other poisoning can…such as a slow and deliberate poisoning.
As I lay in bed, I could hear my then- wife speaking with someone on the phone. She sounded angry. And she should’ve been angry with me for being this sick (this is genuinely what I thought at the time). She would occasionally peer in the door just to look at me, then close it and resume her argument…with whom I didn’t know. At the time I suspected it was her mother, though now I recognize it was her boyfriend. Who – by the way – mysteriously died during our divorce proceedings several years later. Did he know too much? We will never know. It’s strange how this 39 year-old, healthy man died in the middle of our divorce. (Not to mention, several other men who were involved with her in some way – and all of their pets.)
This was still not my wake up call to an insanely abusive relationship at the hands of the woman I thought loved me. That would come later. Much later.
I mysteriously recovered, but still experience tell-tale symptoms to this day. This is only the tip of the lying iceberg I married.
I will characterize her this way – she was never happy. She never smiled genuinely. She was impossible to get close to and never showed one ounce of gratitude, no matter how much I did for her. One Friday in particular, I had gotten off work early. I’d mowed and preened the lawn to perfection, cleaned the house (laundry included), made dinner arrangements for the kids (for when they got home from private school), and made dinner arrangements for the two of us. I bought flowers and wine to be at the ready for when she pulled up from her part time job as a teacher (really more of a glorified daycare worker as she has no degree).
As I sat in the perfect evening sun, I knew there was nothing she could complain about. It was all done. Nice home, thriving businesses, caring husband, great kids… But no, I was wrong.
I finally got the nerve to ask her. “Why can’t you say something nice? Anything? Why can’t you just say something nice to me?”
Her response, “I’m not going to kiss your ass”.
THIS was my wake up call. I finally realized I had wasted all of my time and was about to be dragged through divorce court. And any man who’s been with one of these women knows how devastating this can be as they tear apart everything you worked for and divide it between the “wife” and the lawyers. The men and children lose nearly every single time in that arena.
But this isn’t how a narcissistic spouse views it. They love it. They relish in the drama and mess. It was apparent she loved every minute of it.
To go back a decade and a half, you would not know that this was going to happen. She at least pretended to love me. She was my other half. We did many things together early on, only to have her turn into something entirely different. Perhaps early on, I had lost my temper and I was not perfect, to be fair. But I now know how these situations can be provoked, especially if you are a young man. So I was always trying to “make up” for any misgivings, but I never was able to. They were held against me every day for years and years. Never mind any of hers. Those were off limits.
I questioned things she had said that did not make sense only to be met with her fits of crying. I could never get a straight answer. By this time, we’d had our first child and it was clear that I must stay committed and do my best with this (I realize now) narcissistic personality-disordered person. And I did. I gave it my best…every…single…day. But, it was never enough. I was only met with sour attitudes, put-downs and a general sense of dread. The air was always thick with her contempt for me.
Most days were filled with silent treatments and punishments…for what, I don’t know. I was always compared to others that were supposedly “better” than me. She reserved her kindness and manners for anyone that wasn’t me or my friends. Later, all of my friends (but one) said she used to give them snotty looks when I wasn’t looking. I guess this was her attempt to isolate me from people who cared about me. And she was successful to some extent. On this note I would like to describe meeting new people that she already knew. Almost without exception, if I were introduced (which was rare) to someone she already knew, they would be very cool and stand-offish. I realize now this is what’s referred to as a smear campaign. I also know it happened the whole time I was with her. I just couldn’t get it until much later. I will never know what was said about me, but it is clear it was not good. I had a reputation that preceded me wherever she’d gone first. Playing the victim is very powerful. She had this down to a “t”.
Lies, deception, put-downs, veiled threats and emotional terrorism. This is what I lived through and with for nearly twenty years. I did not know better at the time. I thought eventually she would be happy. But, being happy never works for the narcissist. It doesn’t fit the script. But a dead husband with a life insurance policy does. Not only would she benefit financially, but just think of all the sympathy she would get! Oh that poor woman. Her husband has died. Now her bank account is fat and her lover had to take over to help with the estate. Poor, poor little waif. And he was so young!
But, I ruined the plan. I did not die. I don’t know if she ran out of poison or just gave up. To this day, I have a briefcase full of evidence that investigators do not want to see. I pity the poor fellow she is with now. I would tell him, but he wouldn’t believe me. Like everyone else the narcissist knows, he has been co-opted into her drama. Besides, I would merely be a jilted ex-husband who just needs to “get over it”.
Towards the end of the divorce, I had not even a chance to know what I had done wrong. What did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? She never told me except to say, “I didn’t tell, and now it’s too late!” Crazy thinking. She did tell me that she wanted to “drive with the windows down and the radio loud” and that was why she was tearing everything I worked so hard for to shreds.
Maybe in her shallow mind that was reason enough.
Who cares what anyone else wants? Who cares if they don’t fit the narcissist’s drama? I can tell you, the end began when I started asking for something…anything. A kind word. A thank you. Anything. I began to “wake up” and started seeing her for the monster she is. Then I became obsolete in her world. It was time to take everything she could from me. That was her cue. I was on to her.
Very strange, how she treated me at the end. As if she were mailing an envelope, or making a phone call. Just business. No emotion whatsoever, as she went about destroying everything that meant anything to me.
Thank God I finally woke up.
It does get better. Today I don’t have nearly the panic attacks I once had. I am virtually “no contact” with her and some of the other people in my life, who I now recognize as personality disordered. I am thankful that I have the rest of my life to be happy and away from such evil…and make no mistake, narcissists are evil. They will chew up your soul if you let them.
Today I have no intention of letting anyone do anything like that ever again. I am sane. I am clear. I am whole.