The Great “Narcissist Loves New Woman More” Hoax

By Kim Saeed | Contemplating No Contact

Jun 01
narcissist loves new woman

Of the many fears that victims of the Narcissist face, the heart-wrenching concern that their disordered Ex will be better for the new woman is one of the worst.

In spite of knowing that the Narcissist is a pathological liar, colossal cheater, all-star schmoozer, and soul-assassin, discarded victims are often 100% sure that their abuser has miraculously begun toeing the line for the new girl.

It’s a miracle, by George!  The Narcissist has changed!  His wounded former victim sees it on Facebook and Instagram, hears about it from the Narcissist himself, and is informed by their shared circle of friends that the Narcissist has never been happier.

His friends and family can barely believe their own eyes, and even the neighbors walk around with their mouths agape, wondering what it is about the Narc’s new girlfriend that’s incited such a divine intervention of the Narcissist’s wily ways.

Jeepers, if he’s changed so drastically for the new woman, then…

…then it must mean there was something wrong with you – his former partner, right?  And maybe because of this, the Narcissist was forced to find love elsewhere.  And because her love is so celestial and the depth of her love so staggering, the Narcissist really has changed and he loves the new woman more than he ever could have loved you

Let’s pause for a moment of reflection.

No one can say that it can’t happen.  However the probability of it happening is zero.

In other words, I cannot guarantee that this event would never happen, but I would bet large sums of money that it wouldn’t.

The chances that the Narcissist will change for the new woman – simultaneously falling head-over-heels in such love that it’s been blessed by Eros and Aphrodite themselves  – are about the same as my constructing a drone for the Department of Defense, all without an instructional pamphlet.

The Narcissist is a skilled and convincing actor.  After all, he fooled you into believing you were the love of his life, perhaps even his past lives.  How long was he able to keep up the charade?  Months?  Possibly years?

Then, after his mask started slipping, he likely expected you to keep up appearances in front of everyone.  Still yet, when you discovered his lies, online dating profiles, and infidelities, he convinced you that he had reasonable justifications for it all.  That somehow, in spite of his love crimes, he still wanted you and was in love with you.

And so it will be with the new girl.

You see, he not only has to convince you that he’s found his soul-mate and best friend in the new girl, he has to get everyone else on board, too.  It’s essential that you doubt your memories; distrust that what he did to you was so bad after all.  He must make you and everyone within a 100-mile radius believe that you exaggerated everything and – further – are delusional and unstable.

In other words, that he did no wrong and he’s just an innocent man trying to find real love.

What better way to do that than to trap a new girl into his web of deception and get her to drink the Kool-Aid?  Thus starts a fresh round of love-bombing, complete with vacations, church with the kids, and an engagement ring.

Voila!  Presto-chango!

This crusade is one they can wage for perverse periods of time.  It’s important that you don’t internalize this as meaning she rules and you drool.

The Narcissist doesn’t want to be suspected of wrong-doings, nor accept one molecule of accountability for his actions, thus the Great “I’ve Changed for the New Woman” Hoax.

Don’t drink the Kool-aid.  Trust that he’s a weasel and that the new girl will find out in due time.  They always do.

Copyright © 2015 Kim Saeed. All Rights Reserved

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(104) comments

Anonymous August 31, 2017

My god…I love this article.

It describes the disordered PERFECTLY.

Cheers for writing it 🙂

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    Kim Saeed August 31, 2017

    Thank you, Anon! Glad it resonated with you 🙂

    Reply
      Nicole August 31, 2017

      I’m just wondering…why isn’t owncomment I made months ago still awaiting moderation. I didn’t say anything disrespectful. So confused.

      Reply
        Kim Saeed September 3, 2017

        Hi Nicole, this is Kim’s assistant. We’re sorry about the delay, but we receive so many comments here that it’s quite difficult to moderate them all. I see one comment that you left in July. I’ll hop on and review it.

        Thanks.

        Reply
Carmen August 24, 2017

My narcissist had this other woman on the side for over a year while he was with me. She agreed to be a secret. When I found out about her I told her she can have him and that I would even gift wrap him for her. She said that “she didn’t want a gift wrapped box of shit.” Well she still let him live with her even after I sent her proof he was still telling me he loved me etc, was cheating with other younger co-workers, AND sent her conversations of him telling me that he hated her, hated her kid, that she was ugly, and her kid was ugly. I even saw all the texts she sent him begging him to come back etc. And she had the nerve to tell me I had low self esteem. No, I kicked him out and got the toxic out of my life. She’s drowning in it and doesn’t seem to care.

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Yahkemah August 8, 2017

I have been trying to find reasons for why a woman would stay in a relationship with a Narcissists for years it don’t take years for the Narcissists to show his true self. So once he tart to become abusive and start cheating and lying I don’t understand why the woman don’t start doing her detective work and trying to find out if what she feel is true and then at least work on getting the strength to leave. I did just that I was with the Narcissists for ten months and I was deeply in love with him but I saw the lies and suspected him of cheating and he was verbally abusive and he yelled at me and screamed at me. But I was not about to stay in a situation like that I did want to get proof of his cheating so I knew that I was not the crazy one and this was very important to prove that he was the liar and cheater and emotional abuser that I suspected he was and I did do my detective work and caught him in bed with the new supply he thought that I was going to make a great big scene and attact the woman and him but I did none of those things I was at peace to find out that I was not crazy after all it hurt for seven months and after that I still thought about him for awhile but I never considered going back to him or putting myself in that position again it was not easy but it can be done so why do woman go through years of abuse with a Narcissists fighting in court over children is one thing and property that don’t mean you have to be involved emotionally or phsycially with the Narcissist and it don’t matter what he think about you or who he is with or what they are doing unless you are still emotionally tied to him you don’t even have to let him come to your house to pick up the kids so what is the deal with staying with these monsters for years and years I have to say it is emotional weakness and denial and fear of losing the Narcissists.

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Abby July 10, 2017

My ex called me after we did broke up 6 months prior that he had a brain tumor,
That I would always have a special place in his heart, and he looked forward to us eating at the restaraunt we went to for our last Valentine’s Day. He’d make sure he let me know if it was cancerous or not. No call from him for a whole month. I then saw pictures of him and the new supply on his fb page. In a year and a half he freely posted one pic of us (2 others after I told him I thought he was embarrassed of me and was trying to hide me). He had been talking to other women on fb and old supply (at least 2) via the phone. God only knows what else he was doing I never caught. I thought it was crazy he couldn’t even call me and tell me if it was cancer. I called and told him I thought he was lying about possibly having cancer and blew up on him and about his new gf thru text on his phone. I then got a ‘nice’ reply from his new gf (we did not know each other at all, but google can find your info if you put it out there). It put me over the edge. I didn’t even recognize my own voice. I was so angry at her and him. I hung up on her and then called him and realized 5 min in he had me on speakerphone with her sitting next to him! I had never experienced something so juvenile, Jerry speinger’ish, or trashy in my life. I’m way better now, but it still hurts a little. Even after all that, I keep thinking…will cancer or even the scare of cancer change him into a man better then what he never was for me? A man with actual feelings and care for her? By the way, the new gf is 14 years younger than him, has no education (same as him), no career, 2 kids by a convicted child molester (convicted before they had the kids), no money (same as him), and lives in another state 5 hrs away. I may have answered my own question. I just need to hear someone else say it…has he changed?

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    Kim Saeed September 3, 2017

    Hi Nicole,

    I think you have answered your own question. Without knowing more about your situation and going only on what you left here on the site, there are numerous red flags in his behavior. To answer your question…if he’s a narcissist, then no, he hasn’t changed. You cannot allow yourself to be fooled by the performance he’s putting on on social media.

    Reply
Yahkema J July 7, 2017

I believe that there are more Narcissists today then there ever was when I was growing up you heard of selfish people that we called egotistical but no one had any idea what a Narc was. But now you can’t go out or try and meet someone with out running into a Narcissists now a days they target people and are less secretive about what they are I believe about 3 out of every 5 people we meet are Narcs this is why so many woman keep dating the Narcs there are so many out there and we must learn the signs of the Narc so we can be ready for him.

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Annica June 23, 2017

I have a question my ex is in a relationship with the girl that would frequently message him on instagram. I told him she was interested in him (more than a friend) my ex said we’re just having conversations about enlightenment. He was very interested in enlightenment and sharing information etc… So I let is slide. I stopped checking his messages. He broke up with me and dragged me on for weeks, he said I wasn’t the woman for him, but he would still be there for me if need be. we can just be friends. I still wanted a relationship with him. the break up was so sudden, yes we were having problems but what relationship doesn’t have problems?! he left out of state for work and ignored me the whole time. he said he lost his phone, but I call bullshit. when he came back I asked to see him he said he doesn’t know because he was being precautions. I said understandable. the day we were supposed to meet up. his phone was suddenly off (as if he didn’t pay the bill) and the SAME day, he posted a picture of himself and tagged the girl underneath he messaged me “I can’t talk to you anymore out of respect of the new girl Im interested in bye bye” JUST LIKE THAT no emotion whatsoever. We were together for six months… knew him for 2 years the guy I was dating was completely different than the guy I was dealing with after we broke up. Anyways he would post little things about her and him THAT I KNOW FOR A FACT HE WAS POSTING TO GET UNDER MY SKIN, basically to spite me like ha see you didn’t appreciate me when you had me, but I found someone who does, also “see she can do the same things you did for me, even better”. he even post pictures of them doing things I told him I wanted to do. *SICK* this woman has a child. my ex told me he could not date a woman that has a child already because her first child would have to be his first child too. I’m starting to think it isn’t a coincidence that he’s with the girl he told me they were just having enlightened conversations. I’m starting to believe he picked her specifically and he planned all the little things I wanted to do with him and is now doing with her, to spite me. Am I reading too much into this, or is this guy seriously wasting his time and another woman’s time to spite me, or make me jealous? whatever little game he’s playing .. what is it? and if what I think is true why is he putting so much effort in building a relationship to mess with me instead of having a genuine relationship with someone he actually wants a future with?

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 24, 2017

    Hi Annica. Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I wish I had better news for you, but this guy has made it perfectly clear that he’s unavailable for a committed relationship. He may be trying to show off to make you jealous, but ultimately, his actions are juvenile and indicative of someone who would ruin you if you continue to pursue him. If you were to somehow get him back into a relationship, what you’ve shared in your comment is what you could expect from him on a day-to-day basis.

    The best thing you can do is cut your losses, stop watching him on social media, and move on with your life.

    Reply
    Yahkema J July 7, 2017

    Annica This man is a Narcissists there were all the signs of him being a Narc the leaving you abruptly the leaving you hanging on and posting pictures on face book doing all the things with the new victim that he would not do with you did you not read the story above about what Narcissists do. This is all to make you feel less than human and to destroy your soul he is not trying to make you jealous cause that would mean that he had love or feelings for you but a Narcissists does not have any feelings for anyone including the new woman in his life they are only supply to him nothing more and so were you the worst part of breaking up with a Narcissists is it takes a very long time to get over the feelings that he created in you and I also believe that they put a love psychic spell on their victims you will for a long time want to see him and remember how you felt with him but if you want to survive you have to fight those feelings to see him and be with him and the hurt of him being with someone else because she don’t have him no more that you did he is a demon in the flesh do more study on what Narcissists are.

    Reply

[…] acquiring fresh targets who will become the new punching bag (emotional and otherwise).  As such, there’s no need to be jealous of the new love in the Narcissist’s […]

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[…] you’ll fall prey to their diatribes regarding how you could never compare to their new love, ensnaring you in a “trance of unworthiness” which you’ll feel perpetually compelled to resolve through the humiliating “Pick Me” dance […]

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Sylvie June 6, 2017

As long as she bends for all her wants, she never confronts him and thinks he is the best thing since slice bread then yes he will be happier. but id prefer to stand up for myself. 🙂

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    Anonymous June 7, 2017

    Not true. He doesn’t appreciate loyalty. Narcs always need new supply. They get bored with the same regardless of how loyal their partner is

    Reply
Tanja May 6, 2017

I had 3 ex narc in my life and let each one of them go. Narc one left him- hid life now is not going well. Narc two left him- his life really is not going good. He lost everything and started smoking crack. Narc 3 left him- life not going well either. He still trying to get back with me for something but I pay him no mind. Once you go no contact, you have to cleanse yourself of them. Font think they are skipping into the sunset because they are not. It just a false outcome if they say they are happy. My friend ex narc left her for another woman, well his outcome didn’t last long, he died 3 months later and the sad part was the other woman must of left because she found him in bed dead 3 days later. The Narc don’t understand that you do reap what you sow. You don’t get away from treating good people bad.

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    Lynette July 20, 2017

    Reading your comment makes me feel a little bit better about my situation. My ex narc hurt me real bad and it seems like he keeps getting blessed as time is passing on and I’m suffering. He’s getting married in a week, had a new baby (both things I wanted so very badly) and got a promotion at work along with a new car in his new soon to be wifes name. I’m going through so much pain and hurt from it all and just dumbfounded at how this man is receiving so much good in his life and I am struggling to find someone to truly love me and happiness. To know that your ex’s received their karma gives me some type of hope. I hate to say it like that, but after everything this man did to me and that woman he’s with.. I hope his marriage fails and crap just starts falling apart as it should have in the beginning.

    Reply
      thePINCH August 22, 2017

      I have a great deal of empathy for your situation, Lynette. But y evil twin has a few thoughts.

      He will say that she got pregnant. He didn’t want a child.

      He will say that he had to marry her.

      And the car she bought for him is his reward.

      This is the part where we all book appointments for makeovers at MAC and take stock. At least you’re not stuck with parental visits (with his flavour of the month) and payng him spousal support.

      Reply
Jaci April 12, 2017

I’ve been so happy since I left my narcissist/sociopath husband last fall… Until recently when I began to second guess everything I KNEW to be true. We were together for 8 years and I always felt this inexplicable fear – like a panic. He had me and everyone convinced I was crazy. Until 2015 when the mountain of lies began to crumble and I found evidence of rampant cheating throughout our whole relationship – leaving work to meet hookers, traveling to Central America with prostitutes, sleeping with my friends and our employees, and so on and so on… Once I found the truth, the mask was gone. He became truly cruel and utterly unloving at all times. It was hell because at that time I was reeling from the trauma of these discoveries and trying to work on the marriage, while he sat there and ignored or insulted me. I was baffled. By that time the gas lighting and other emotional abuse had been so thorough that I thought I couldn’t leave him. My friends feared for my life and I couldn’t understand why. I finally left one day without any warning. I could not take another circular conversation, I could not take the blame one more time. I had planned on separating temporarily but he immediately changed the locks on the house and locked me out of the bank accounts. I hired a lawyer just to help get me access to my things. Next thing I know, he’s moved some girl from New York into our South Carolina home and is posting his undying adoration for her all over social media. He’s taking her to all of the social events with our mutual friends and telling everyone we’re divorced. I’m literally baffled since I had only moved out 1.5 months earlier. That’s when I really start reading about sociopaths/ narcissists. He’s textbook. I’m textbook victim. All these years I didn’t know what was wrong with me. And it’s so relieving. I feel better than I knew possible. I cut him off completely. My son begins to thrive. The dogs are happy. I feel confident and capable and attractive again. I meet someone sweet and good. Then BAM, last week or so I begin to wonder if I was mistaken. Is he happy with this new girl (who, by the way, I hear is also a sociopath)? Was I the problem? Thank god for sites like this that remind me of what he actually is: a monster. I am free today. Even if he is just having a midlife crisis – who cares? He’s a jerk. I was miserable with him. He cheated and cheated and cheated and never took responsibility.

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Desiree April 11, 2017

Narc traded me in for a few various women over time, but this time he went with my best friends and paraded her around. He and she were such great actors I had no idea it was happening and the. Made me look jealous, entitled, insane, to everyone including parents siblings and the pastors. Recently he and his friends had been constantly chasing me around checking in on me, and I thought I finally won him back, but something wasn’t quite right. She was also following me around occasionally and didn’t look so pleased about it. This weekend at my best friend’s wedding….they got really intimidate right in front of me, as if they just started dating. The thing is, I can’t tell if she realizes she effed up and is going along with her mistake due to 2%integrity in her blood, or if she doesn’t give a shit about my feelings and gets whatever she wants, and doesn’t want to die alone so she settles for her friends man. Or maybe he got pushy because I was making him jealous…I don’t know. It hurts but I can’t wait for him to break the hell out of her heart, and have all the flying monkeys finally see how badly he treated me. I loved him so so so so so so much but disloyalty was all they had to give me. And as for her she was a really good friend once too. I even tried to get over myself and be nice at the wedding but she refused. well, I tried. Jezebel sure has it coming for her! Sorry not sorry, and thanks for taking out the trash. I need a good godly fearless man who loves me, not an abusive psycho who plays games and is a coward! feel me?

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Leslie April 4, 2017

Good timing. The nex is getting married next month to his 3rd wife in just a 7 year timeframe; she moved in after just 2 months of dating, 4 months later they are engaged. While we weren’t married long, we do have a child together. Not keen on the new gal. She is just as fake and has happily joined him in his psychological warfare against me and puts our child in the middle in attempts to play tug-o-war; I literally had to snatch my daughter out of her arms because she wouldn’t let go when DD was reaching for me at drop off. I can’t help but feel she deserves what is coming to her after that. So it is a relief to read this article and remind myself that he is treating her like major crapola while she is treating me with such disrespect. I envy those who don’t have to deal with their nex. If he were to die I think I would have a party!

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    Anonymous May 31, 2017

    Yesssssss i been reading because a friend told me to look up everything about this I was married for 20 years all I wanted was for him to like me he acted like he hated me never wanted to do family things even if I paid then ruined holidays or outing until I’d beg please go then cried then he go and I was at that point mad and not wanting to go so much more always putting me down I’m not good enough I don’t understand things bills anything I spoil the kids like we had no money so dollar tree treats or toys was spoiling them ? Makeup clothes etc…don’t sit close don’t hug give him space then oh you don’t care where. I give him space cheating lieing manipulation with money bills etc now the new girlfriend and her kids oooh trips vacation which he never did with us his family and now there getting married I went to a Psyhic to ask what job should I do and she started talking about my ex I never brought him up she said he hates women ! And he not happy and he will do her the same way even tho she don’t care about my kids but promotes hers she makes more money then me but I do anything for my family like always have I’m so happy to learn I’m not alone e and I do want a house to fall on this person and I wouldn’t mind 20 years the divorce was bad he made my bill huge by lieing and not showing up in court going to vagas instead just wrong no money for me and the childern let our home go into forcloser and lied he was paying it I had nothing and restarting over smh I hope anyone who sees this knows I give my heart to you man or woman who has gone through what I have hatful words talk to close friends and family to make them be different to you so you have no one and then no one will believe you then ignoring your kids and putting on a show of love for other women or men and there family it’s enough to make you think your crazy but your not it’s a show and I know in my heart one day I’ll get a call and be told how he has shown his relationship face to the new person and I’d be there for her if she needed to talk but I’m gonna say in the end you cared NOT for my childern and this is what comes of that.

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Red April 3, 2017

Oh I needed to read this. I’ve been in a relationship with a Narc for 13 years. Been discarded once in 2007 and stayed friends with him while he kept pushing his relationship with the new supply he’d left me for in my face. 3 years of guilt and him telling me “I chose her because she was here and you weren’t” and “she’s the woman I love, get over it”, made me feel so bad I developed eating disorders. Too bad she wasn’t in a single picture of him on his facebook, not even by accident, not even in those his friends took and he was tagged in. Too bad he dropped her like nothing when he saw me being happy with a new guy (and I was so silly I gave him another chance). Both me and that supply were in a relationship when he “came in”, that woman cheated on her then-boyfriend with my Narc but I didn’t, I actually thought long and hard about it but I was 19 and in love.
Me and the Narc then had a 6 years relationship, ended last year. He neglected my every need, blaming himself for my depression, blaming his illness (he suffers from multiple sclerosis) for not doing anything for me, telling me he’s not the kind of person that celebrates anniversaries and eventually, using his illness to shup me up whenever I voiced my needs, whenever I pointed out that he was out there being superman for his friends and did zero for me. Now, he broke up with me after 5 months of silent treatment, I got phisically sick with worry as he had lost his job and had health issues due to an accident he had.
He broke up with me with a passive aggressive message on facebook, without a real explanation so I took the train and went to him (6 hours), when I was right under his house I called him on the phone only to discover he had moved to another place and he didn’t thought about telling me.
So we met somewhere else, I’ve relatives living a hour away from his new home and he insisted that he had to come to me because he didn’t want me to take any more trains etc. (sure, he didn’t want me to know where he lives, this is the truth, too bad I know anyway). He humiliated me, not answering my questions and only throwin bull at me. Two months later a new girl, that’s basically me with blonde hair in matter of personality and interests/passions, was at his new house having lunch with his parents. With me he always complained about his health, asking me day after day if I still loved him even though he’s a ruin, he beated himself hard for being sick all the time and now, whenever I ask him how he’s doing, he’s always doing fine! How amazing, it almost seems this new girl’s vagina has magical powers!
Now he’s taking her to Japan for their first anniversary, while we never celebrated ours and he never took me anywhere because of his illness. Oh, the best part? Their anniversary is just few days apart from what used to be ours.
Yeah, she’s part of his friend circle, me and the old supply weren’t, he gotta work hard so that she works even harder when his masks eventually drops and she has to try and get back the “perfect loving boyfriend” he is. I wish I could warn her but I’ll only end up looking like the “psycho ex”, I had people try to warn me even when the mask was already down but I didn’t listen…

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brokenheartedand dumb March 2, 2017

my ex of three years treated me the exact same way. we are relatively young, him being 24 and me being 22 so we met at an even younger age. i was the first gf he had since coming out of prison. he definetly love bombed me, coming to my house every single day to the point where he ended up moving in with my family and i.he was so sneaky and blamed every problem on me. at times he would be so cold and distant and then be so loving. ive never met someone so full of themself he would look at himself or his outfit in every mirror we passed by while we were outside. there are really great things about him which caused me to stay. he broke up with me one time after a mutual agreement to have a “breaak” within 3 days!! he started talking to a new girl and then had others and i was so broken. he kept saying he wanted to work on himself and find himself…crap i know… we ended up back together and within a couple of months i ended it with him because i couldnt handle how he was treating me he would say he loved me and i was all he needed but his actions proved otherwise he couldnt keep a job and when he did have one he would only spend his money on clothes and unnecessary things, my parents would ask him to put down some sort of contribution to the house finacially and he would always have an excuse for why he couldnt he blamed me for why he couldnt go back to his grandmothers house because she said he couldnt come back if he left again but i told him to not move back in after we broke up the last time and he did anyway. right after we broke up he was begging me to take him back and saying that he would change and he knows how i deserve to be treated and all these things and we said we were going to work on it and the next day he ignored me and within 2 weeks he had a new gf. posting up pictures of them kissing and all these things. it hurt so much and i was a wereck long story short he ended up cheating on her with me multiple times and felt no remorse i also strongly believe he was talking to other girls at this time too he said he would feel bad if it was someone else but bc its me he didnt. he ended up breaking up with her for me and moved back in (im dumb i know) and he treated e great for a while and even proposed to me. he bought himself a ring to match mine and wore it on his wedding finger and when i asked him why bc men dont wear the ring until ater marriage, he said it was bc he wanted people to think he was married. and me being dumb felt so good bc it means he was really serious about being faithful. he wore the ring all the time everywhere. we ended up breaking up again in November bc he was gone for 3 weeks straight claiming he was spending time with his “cousin” who lives close to me and would get mad at me for asking him to come home or text and call saying that i have a problem with him being with his family which was not the case. i broke up with him and told him to get his stuff and he cursed me out and was so mean. our phone bills are connected and i couldnt get off his phone plan unless he gave me permission to come off and no matter how hard i tried he wouldnt give me permission and every month he would text me to let me know the phone bill was due and that was what he used to get to talk to me, he would say he needed an excuse to text me. we broke up in nov and we slept together every month up until now. i found out that he was cheating on me since august with a girl he worked with and that s why he was gone for those 3 weeks all the lies he told me, staying at work late and working for so long and still asking me for money bc he had none, one time he asked me for money to buy headphones and i said no bc i didnt have it and he was like its ok i know who i can ask..it was her…he told me that he loves her after he was trying so hard to get me back telling me how he misses me and how sorry he is and im the only one for him. ive asked him so many times if he was talking to someone or if he had a gf and he would say no and be soooo angry and say why can ti believe he just wants to be a better man for me, that was his thing, hes working on being a better man for me and he thought he could find happiness somewhere else but he cant and im who hes in love with but he loves her and all these things but shes ur gf tho. after him tellin gme that he was in love with her i found her on fb (fbi status) and i told her everything bc he also told me that she knew he had a fiance and still wanted to talk to him so i felt that she was just as horrible as he was i told her she could have him and let her know that he was still sleeping with and contacting me and she didnt believe me until i showed her screen shots. she broke down and she was the one who told me everything that happened between them he was obviously lying to and playing both of us. she said he talked about me to everyone telling thme horrible things about me and lies about me being horrible to hiom and he was gonna leave me for her when he was begging me not to leave everytime i tried to end it. i told her how he treated me and i even told her i suspected him of being a narcissist and she completey agreed and said she thinks hes a sociopath! she says he hasnt put her on fb or anythiing and i know he says fb is where all his family is so thats why im the only girl hes ever put there. all the things hes done with me he does with her, calling her his wife, talking about going on trips (which i planned for us last year) wearing matching sneakers and stuff and that really hurts but he was still on my phone confessing his undying love for me and how he wants me to let him back in. while were together hes just saying how much he loves me and how he misses the future we were supposed to have and he locves everything about me and it was supposed to be me and him i sent him this long message telling him that i know everyrthing and i was changing my phone number bc it was the only way i could get off his plan and while he was calling me i was changing it so i did not answer. long long story short she eneded p staying with him bc she “loves” him i hate her too.. i was weak and went back to him twice after seeing him, we slept together and spent the night together andf i cried bc all i could see was him with her and all the things he said and did he held me and apoligized and we kept talking he would talk to me all the time and it was great. he still wears the rings that he got for our engagement , he told her that he just wears them but they were bought for us, she said he never takes them off and she tried taking them off of him one time and put them on but he screamed at her and wouldnt let her. he told me he wont take them off until he feels like im completly gone and were really over. he said he hasnt told his family about her bc she not meant to be permenant buit ive met multiple people in his family im sure she will soon though. when she confronmted him about cheating on her with me he hung up the phone on her and told her if she wants to leave then she can and he was so mean to her but told her that he doesnt love me and doesnt want to be with me. however he told me that hes in love with both of us!!wth?? how are you in love with her so fast and both of us? we spent the night together and in the mornig i brought up the affair again and he got angry i told him i wasnt going to talk to him anymore and maybe he should just be with her and we exchanged the fact that we would always”love” each other he said maybe we just have ot say good bye now to have a better hello and he asked me what i really waant he said he wanted me but he just feels like we could never be how we once were and im like that s not my fault! he ended up blocking me and then called a hour later saying hes in the hospital with her but we will talk a little later. he had me blocked for 3 days! i called him private and he said it was bc she was with him for those days… oh he lives with his cousin now btw and he hates living there and tells her that he left me for her and now he has to deal with his cousin so she owes him smh… and said that he doesnt think we should talk anymore until im over the situation and maybe i will want someone else.. and he 100% wants to be with her bc i cant get over the situation, were good for a while and then i bring it up and i should move on…i am so hurt and broken and i just never thought he would ever tell me to move on bc he wants to be with someone else. we go through these periods of speaking and then we dont speak for 2 weeks and then he texts me but i think hes gone for good this time.. she put up a picture of them on her fb and tagged him in it saying i love you and he said i love you babe you make me so happy and i just think its my fault and hes treating her better now, even though she said he doesnt he does the exact same things if not worse to her but idk maybe bc im gone it better? its crazzy to know ill never hear from him again but also good but im still hurting, he really chose her like what did i do wrong. why did i fall for it again and just get crushed why did i mean nothing

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Mandy February 6, 2017

Direct response to what has been written. I had a long relationship with a person, with full blown NPD. After I tried to escape from the relationship, the only way I was able to get out was for him to end it. Within 6 weeks, not only did he have a new partner, they are now miraculously engaged. I have to laugh. The last three weeks of hell with him, were colored with intense verbal abuse, that I had no idea he was even capable of. Thanks to websites like yours, and the kindness of others, I am free emotionally, and glad to be out of this tangled web. I wish them the best. The Narc, can never be happy, I pity him, and feel sorry for this girl who does not have a clue, what she has gotten herself into.

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    Charmaine Jennings April 3, 2017

    I too had a long relationship with a full blown narcisstic….miserable existence! I now realize that for almost 13 YEARS I was merely existing. Just st a shadow of my former self.
    My last year was beyond miserable after he lost ANOTHER job. (The “entitlement” and “control” issues follow him to work too😱). I finally left this sorry, ageing, cheating, lying, abusive, alcoholic, ignorant and overall BORING excuse of a “man” after taking a pretty severe physical BEATING that started while I was asleep. I’m embarrassed that it finally took fearing for my physical life to make the move to get this soul-sucker out my life. My emotional self was pretty much already dead by that time….
    Fast forward one year……
    Moved 850 miles away, taking time to heal spirit and mind (these forums and Kim’s NC boot camp are God sends), went NO CONTACT, survived the news of the new wife that came along within 6 months (his soul mate) and am EVER so thankful that I’m not listening to his bs and/or having to be in the same room with him anymore that it’s kinda euphoric now!!
    As with most all of the rest of the “tribe”, there were many dark days but after NC, the fog started lifting. Worst day to start with / best day now.
    I have nothing but pity for his latest victim as I know she’s going to end up in the same place all the rest of us have (his other 2 wives, me, all of you out there that have and are suffering). I pray she is safe.

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Ki December 10, 2016

Over the past few weeks I have been returning to parts of this site as part of my self care. It is soothing, yet disturbing, knowing there is a community around this experience. I didn’t realize there is an epidemic! So many women are in recovery, so many versions of the same story.

Kim – you have built something powerful here. I can only speak for myself but I see my feelings and thoughts echoed: your writing and sharing knowledge and insights is healing and comforting to all!

I googled terms like “emotional manipulation” and “pathological liar”, which brought me to this site and others. “Let me reach” peels off layer after layer of misunderstanding or non-understanding of these confusing. I am now seeing something that looked like a tragedy in my life (immigration “glitch” that prevented me from returning to my temporary home in Canada to wrap things up before coming back to the U.S.) as an immense blessing. It was hard, but I am shuddering at the thought of what could have happened had I stayed longer… . I was so busy trying to survive and building my business at the same time, that enough distance was created to my narcissistic boy-not-friend (please take that term literally… my definition of “man” includes integrity and honor) for me to lay a foundation of healing.

As a cross-cultural transition coach, I deal mainly with international moves and high-contrast relationships, but I am realizing that transitions out of the narc boy-not-friend’s clutches is very specific. Only someone who has been there and worked through it and THEN shares the journey, the red flags, the dead giveaways and the coping mechanisms will be of true service to other survivors.

I want to honor your own journey here, Kim, and your dedicated work to help all of us through the stages of healing – from realizing what clutches held us to working through the confusion, sadness, and self-blame, to healthy anger and refusal to no longer be a part of the narc’s bollywood.

It is a process. Things take time. But we all will heal. Thank you for your awesome and powerful body of work, Kim!

My question is: how do we nip this in the bud?
What can we do not just to protect ourself and increase awareness, but more so how do we raise and teach our kids compassion and kindness and honor and integrity?
How do we instill such self-worth in them that they are not falling for words but instead demand actions?
That is a conversation I am eager to have.

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Nevaeh December 7, 2016

Gosh, upon reading this awesome arcticle I really had to laugh out loud several times 😀 because it explains exactly what I am thinking.
My Narc. once even stated that he will PROVE to me that he is NOT this nasty, hateful and misogynistic man.
I simply told him that he did not have to proof anything to me as I’ve seen enough to connect the dots. To me it still makes no sense why he likes to screw people all the time about who he really is- it must be really exhausting to live a life like that.

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Kathleen September 24, 2016

My narcissistic ex is a LONG story and very complicated, but one thing that stood out about my ex was he would always say he was not ready for marriage or he would never get married. Well, to make the story real short, he got engaged shortly after I did and got married two weeks after me. From what I gather, his ex looks just like me and is the breadwinner. I always doubted myself until I read this article.

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Carolina Miller August 24, 2016

Hi Everyone,

I definitely have to share my story with you all.
I was married with a Narcissist for 8 years.
Suddenly one day he asked me for the divorce. Long story short, he says that he didn’t love me anymore and was needing to put distance between us and wanted to get his job back from another state (California) (on Christmas days). Back then I was a house wife so he was the main provider of the family of us 3 (Him, our daughter and I). He says don’t worry I’ll deposit money in your account, so you can buy Christmas presents for our daughter.
Long story short, the money never appeared neither he, until January… Days later I discover a girl that was on his contacts on Twitter and she had her account full of pictures of them together in Philippines!!!
I confronted him and he said that he met her online 5 DAYS before asking me for the divorce.
He brought his Philippine over to US and married her, she got pregnant a month after the wedding and they have about 2 years married now. He hasn’t seen our daughter in about a year and rarely calls her…(Even though he says he wanted the divorce because he wanted to be a better father to our daughter) yeah right…
But yeah, NOW the Philippine woman is the love of his life etc etc….
And I’m the crazy woman that he was stock with.

We’ll see how long that lasts…

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MSLM August 9, 2016

I too went through this…and almost fell for triangulation (I was like is he really happy? I was almost fooled!). Ex Narc left found new supply immediately and discarded her as soon as she wised up. Now has new supply that looks almost identical to previous supply (could be twin sisters!). None resemble me in looks however I know that dreamy look in their eyes. I too had that look once. He has gotten even better at his game, knows exactly what to look for: single mom, no father of child in picture, living on her own, overweight, not very much income or experience in life. Then he appears to be the answers to all her prayers, a man that will take her “cool” trips, cook cuisine meals etc. Painted me the crazy ex luckily I began attending recovery groups etc. immediately and more importantly turned to God. My deep wounds have been healed and I am constantly working to better myself inside and out, and now I see him for exactly what he is. He is now living with her and bringing her to visit exchanges with our children. I almost fell into the triangulation but instead tried the “warning”, once I saw this was also triangulation I just avoid both all together. He had the nerve to say “that everything we (not he did) but we went through made him the man he is now” (um no..it just made you better at concealing your narcissistic ways). He will still try to bring me flowers when she doesn’t show up with him. I don’t accept them but he is now using our young daughter to give to me. After my daughter looks away, They go in the garbage where he belongs as well. I later explain to her that I can take her to buy me flowers and she doesn’t have to worry. I don’t let her see me throw them away. I went as far as to get the kids their own phone for when he calls them (court ordered once a day). It is all ABOUT BOUNDARIES. He gets no energy from me nor does he have any power over me ever again. I document everything in writing. No phone contact except in case of emergency. Thank you Jesus. Don’t fall for the hype, the FB IG etc…that was once you and just like you looked happy in your pictures (oh I wasn’t allowed to have FB or any social media during our “time together”) but she does..so she thinks that makes it different and her different but yes…just like you looked happy but were already being abused …he will do the same to her. Keep moving forward and relish in your freedom and recovery. Its a gift not afforded to many who never make it out. Thank you Jesus. Love God, Love Yourself, Love People, Live Free.

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betrayaltraumablog July 11, 2016

I needed this article at this very moment I found it. Its been 9 weeks since I left my Narc, it has been an emotional roller coaster. My Narc has started bringing his girlfriend around our friends, they are in shock. My Narc is 47 and his new prey is 26, still smh. Comments from friends, “he has completely downgraded”, “what is he thinking, he went from an intelligent, beautiful person inside and out to that”, etc. Everyone is shaking their heads and cannot process his choice. I feel just like this girl of less then 4 months (at lease my guess, his cheating on my with her could have been longer) has earned all the things I deserved. Questions, is this the one he is going to change for? Why not me?

I have to stay focused of the Betrayal trauma, coupled with the workings of a narcissist to keep my anxiety down. Its difficult still trying to swallow the idea that our entire relationship of 2 1/2 years was a total façade. Oh yea, he said that to me, everything was a façade on his part and he was not happy in the relationship for a long time. Psychologically abusive, it really has messed with my being:(

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    E August 17, 2016

    I hear you and totally empathize. My issue is not just the parading around of the new love of his life and how she and they are so perfectly in love and soul mates but it seems (from Facebook which I know I should not rely on or even be snooping at!) that everyone in his life is totally supportive of him now. I came after his first wife (due to being lied to about him being divorced when in fact he was not at all!) and at that time no one wanted anything to do with him because of how awful he treated her but now that time has passed and he is on to his post-rebound relationship, everyone who once was disgusted by him is now “friends” with him again and the new soul mate’s family and friends have all embraced him as mr wonderful. It just makes me so mad that he treated me so poorly and I’m still suffering to recover from that whereas he is not incurring any repercussions and instead has gotten everything he wants. I know I need to just focus on my healing and living a life of joy.

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      Petra February 19, 2017

      I feel exactly the same. The woman he cheated on me with is now on a pedestal! His perfect soul mate. He seems to be extremely happy after all of his abuse. It’s hard to stomach and I ask why I wasn’t good enough.

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    Red April 3, 2017

    “I feel just like this girl of less then 4 months (at lease my guess, his cheating on my with her could have been longer) has earned all the things I deserved. Questions, is this the one he is going to change for? Why not me?”

    I feel the same way, I was with him for so long, he had discarded me for another woman and yet there I was to support him after he starte suffering from multiple sclerosis, I was there years before that when he was still virgin and when he wasn’t anymore. I was there when he found a real good job and when he lost it. I was there for him, supporting him, being neglected and lied to and always trying to make him happy.
    Now this blonde copy of me gets EVERYTHING he had promised me and while he “couldn’t” make a hour car trip for me, he’s now taking her to Japan for their first anniversary. We met for our love for Japan, that was our thing and their anniversary is few days apart from ours. I bet he’s gonna ask her to marry him there, he always told me he doesn’t want to get married (even if HE asked me to marry him twice) but I guess he’s gonna do it with her. Because he knows it would devastate me and she’s part of his friends, he can’t treat her like he treated me, he needs to isolate her before and marrying her is a good way to make his uncle (that lives in his house with him) move away.
    Everytime I show that I’m happy (he knows I’m dating someone else) he does something to hurt me like this. And yet, to his eyes, I AM the one with issues because I bring up the crap he’s done.

    You weren’t the issue, neither was I, he doesn’t love her more, she’s not better than you, he’s just love-bombing someone that doesn’t know what he really is and is using all he’s learned from you to punish you. If a Narcissist can’t get a positive reaction out of you, he’ll get a bad one, feeding on your pain and sorrow.

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    Yahkemah July 7, 2017

    It is the Narcissists whole purpose to mess with your being it is really to destroy your being don’t think that the new supply is going to get it any better the Narc has no ability to love or to feel emotions only sexual pleasure and hate and anger and jealousy all of the negative feelings like the demons and that is what they are.

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BREEZE July 6, 2016

So after having been on this site a million times and reading about a million accounts, i can confirm that I too fell into a narc trap. Its not my first time either so more than anything I feel disappointed in myself for allowing such behavior knowing Id pinpointed it years ago. Id been in love with and even had a son by a narcissist. I was vibrant, popular and had a life of my own. It took him 6 years and to get me pregnant to really pierce my skin with his grubby little cancer claws…yes ive come to see that narcissimn and that sogn almost walk hand and hand. I found myself in a very dark place wondering what I was going to do without him. He took me to an all time high and exposed his vulnerabilities to me. After 6 whole years of being determined to keep my own identity, he had finally managed to drag me down into his little miserable dark hole and once i was there i looked up and the crab was gone. For months i talked to my sister, the only person who hadnt abandoned ship, about how i was going to leave him once and for all. She warned that if i did that i would lose him forever. I had to see myself. He left home to spend time with his mistress and that night i sat alone in tears, i lookEd around our gorgeous apartment and thought about how no one…not even my mom would knock on the door because everybody saw what i couldnt see and avoided him and me too because i always chose him! Next id taken into account what he contributed to that beautiful place and couldnt think of much because id put that place together just to impress him. 80% of everything down to his clothes were purchases made by me. My mind was made. I packed him up, resigned my lease without him knowing and the next morning when he came home…on our anniversary and just 9 days shy of my birthday, told him he had to go. He didnt fight it and i was shattered. I couldnt breathe, i thought he would come back and he didnt. Thru social media i found out that he was with someone else. She was a lot younger than us both. I was crushed! The anniversary of them getting together was posted all over social media on my birthday. I could not breathe! It took 3 relationships and 5 years to get over it. I got over it when my first love…another crab came around. Hed broken my heart when we were teenagers but he came back talking about how he changed…how he always loved me…i was always the one! Classic narc game! I fell for it. I wont write u all a book and to make a long story short weve been together for 4 years. He cheat, TRY to play games with my self esteem and has moved out 3 times. I just found out that he bought a house. Nevermind the one THAT i had and moved his deceitful self into. For the most part i read on these sites that getting over narcs are hard and the first time it was for me. I let this one get away with murder as well but i dont feel helpless. Just like last time but this time more for sure, I know for that I can take care of myself. Furthermore after all of his cheating I decided tofind myself someone whom i can embrace that would embrace me back. Hes just my friend so he knows everything and still love and support me. I still love the narc so i play along with the game. In the back of his mind he probably think devaluing me means something but it doesnt because my friend builds me up. He might think i dont know about his new home and plans to discard me but i do and my friend help me financially. Honestly I pray that he hurry and close so he can discard me. He has a dog and im tired of his pet as well. I guess id just like to give some people hope because there is clearly none on the internet. All narc victims feel like they have to look forward to is a lifetime of looking back. Let me be your hope and motivation. A narc can be hurt. Hurt when u snatch that supply right from under them and let them see how easy it is for someone else to love you. Everytime he leave he come crawling back. And to note…my ex that did the most damage…he call and text me frequently to tell me that he made a mistake and that his marriage is unhappy. I think its so funny that now i laugh and say oh thats too bad. Its really funny after a glass of wine. Smile people…there is life after a narc and after 1…u may entertain another but hopefully like me you will have your exit in sight! Love peace and blessings 2 u all!

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Brianna July 4, 2016

I must be the newest commenter. I still don’t know whether my husband was/is a Narc or if he is having a midlife crisis. But his cruelty and blaming me for what he did, leads me to think that he is. Everything you wrote fits to a T. Problem is my husband was super nice and kind when he was with me for many years but very cleverly hid everything from me until he left and found out all his lies and deceit. The worse thing is that I was emotionally and mentally abused and he told everyone that I was the abuser. He moved in with his new supply immediately after he left me the so called “love of his life” He didn’t look back after 16 years together. I’ve gone no contact a long time ago and he doesn’t really seem to care at all. Sometimes I wonder? Thanks for your comments. I’d like to read other’s thoughts. Sending love and light to everyone. I understand what you’ve been through and we’re in this together. (((hugs)))

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    Opened Eyes January 27, 2017

    Briana–27 years. THOUGHT it was good most of it. THOUGHT it may have been mid-life crisis, but the more I read, the more I see the damage my daughter had to undo, engaging in an abusive marriage with a BPD (borderline personality disorder), I KNOW he is a covert narcissist–the most dangerous kind because they are sneakier. It was my own daughter who brought this info to me, and reading the articles about narcissistic spouses is like reading my life. And, suddenly, the red flags that were there but got pulled down by more love bombing are in full view again. Oh, mine “has changed.,” becoming a Catholic for his new supply and lying all over the annulment petition, breaking Commandments, because he “had to.” Watching the act that he is putting on for her is like witnessing a crime being committed against another, and not being able to tell anyone–just one of the many ways the narc emotionally rapes us. Unfortunately, with kids and grandkids, walking away and not knowing 100% is not possible. But, we have to hold our heads up. Their loss, our gain. I have a real man, an understanding one at that, not an immature man-child now.

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[…] It’s all an illusion—as well as a strategic move to make you look like a damaged emotional leper who will never be a good partner for anyone. […]

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[…] acquiring fresh targets who will become the new punching bag (emotional and otherwise).  As such, there’s no need to be jealous of the new love in the Narcissist’s […]

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Melinda July 3, 2015

Personally, I found this to be true. When my ex started the relationship with the girl who is now the mother of his child, they both put on this show about their “love”…it was clearly intended to make me feel bad on top of all I had been through.

There were pictures of them online and she would write about how lucky she was and how well he treated her, etc.
At first I was hurt and angry. He treated me like crap but this girl was being treated like a princess…really?! WTF?

But as time went on, I saw it for what it was. He was pulling the classic narc move, trying to play with my mind and emotions by throwing his relationship with her in my face.
He was most likely hoping that I would seethe with jealousy and try to contact him or confront her for some type of catfight situation. I didn’t know her personally so I had to remind myself that she is a victim too, although she doesn’t know it, therefore I shouldn’t be mad at her.
She had a kid with him so she is stuck for life…I pity her.

His own father even told me that things weren’t what they seemed to be. I guess that could mean their relationship isn’t as perfect as she tried to make out? Anyway, I believe that Kim is right about this; narcissists want to give the illusion of being wonderful to the new supply while leaving you to wonder if maybe YOU were the problem.
Don’t fall for it. That is what he (or she, for male victims) wants you to think and feel. It is part of the game they play. My ex-N had me feeling like it was all my fault and that my “replacement” was so much better than me, more deserving of his so-called love. And I’m sure he and his family/friends told her terrible things about me, and that she felt smug about being the “chosen” one.

They want you to feel worse. They want you to doubt yourself and to see yourself as the bad guy.
They want you to feel that you are inferior to the new supply. They want you to think that their relationship is real. They want you to imagine them being intimate, sharing things, being accepted into the family in ways you never were.
My ex-N is playing the role of doting father and devoted boyfriend to this girl and their child but I can see through it. I’m happy to say that I’m free of the bullsh*t and he is her problem now.
So it doesn’t matter if the narcissist “loves” the new person more. What matters is that we focus on healing and rebuilding ourselves after the damage inflicted on us.

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    Ariel July 6, 2015

    I have exactly the same thing. It really hurts and keeps you doubting. Although my ex doesn’t have a child with the new woman, she has to divorces behind her with two children. He became immediate friends with the kids but doesn’t take care of our own daughter at all. Everything she posts on Internet is all how “lovely” everything is, how beautiful he is and what great things they do. And I think…. What???? Was it me?
    The family is already great friends with her and they tell nasty things about me behind my back that I am sick(because of having panick attacks after he strangled me)
    And this feels so sick….
    I think she does the internet thing on purpose but I still feel it is me and I can’t get rid of the feeling.
    Because I have no proof of him treating her the same way, I never really had a great time with him…
    Everything I say about him is explained as I am crazy…
    So I take care full time of my daughter work full time and can’t understand why they are not ashamed of taking it easy, while she doesn’t really take care of her own kids, this is what the fathers of the kids do…
    I once spoke her and she said she was divorced for a looooong time, strange, as she was still having the name of her husband while sleeping with my ex.
    I felt like she was lying as hell

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      Daisy January 29, 2016

      Posting how “happy she is” “what a beautiful life she has now” MIGHT be done to convince herself or others that all the sh*t she is going through is worth it. Or, she is still in the honeymoon stage and hasn’t seen the real man, yet!!! Regardless, keep this in mind: “Behavior is consistent and it is only a matter of time before her Narc gets bored or starts criticizing her flaws; faults; and imperfections! Your TRUTH is all you need to keep walking in the other direction, NEVER looking back! I too have been in your position and believe me the TRUTH about him/them will come into focus in a few years! Then, you will smile, look upward and thank the good Lord Almighty for giving you the strength to remove your shackles; repair your broken pieces, and become a WHOLE and self-loving person that he created you to be!!!!

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    Carolina Miller August 24, 2016

    So true!!

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Remembertoforget June 27, 2015

Thank you for this article, and the poster that wrote 2 things happen after the breakup with a N.
1# they quickly move on to the next one and
#2 the victim gets into counselling and reads the internet about it.
So crazy, yet true!

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Brittney June 21, 2015

This post really made some things clear to me. I have had a girlfriend for the past year and there always seems to be another person she is flirting with. Now there is a guy who is just her “friend”. She always compares me to him and now he comes to functions for her kids. There is not one conversation that we have and he is not mentioned. She even flirts with him in my face. When I bring it up, it is all my fault. I do not trust her and I should get to know him. She makes me feel like I am crazy. I always take the fault and the blame. But the relationship never goes back to how it was in the beginning. The only thing I have left is feeling miserable and with no money.

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Bree, LCSW June 16, 2015

This is the best article I have read about flaunting of the new target and the many secondary gains the narcissist receives by doing it so publicly. Thank you for writing such an insightful and informative article. I have shared it on my forum and reblogged.

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    Kim Saeed June 16, 2015

    Thank you, Bree! I truly appreciate it! <3

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Bree, LCSW June 16, 2015

Reblogged this on RelationshiPedia.

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Anotherone June 5, 2015

I know you are right and his (now) wife will find out soon enough. It’s been 3 years and they are still “in love”. She knew he was with someone else and that he was lying to both of us. But she still moved across country to be with him. He still tries to hook up with me and she is still the loving wife.
He would never admit to any problems with her and she must ignore the signs. I would never want him back anymore but I have to admit – I am looking forward to the day her world crashes in on her. She was relentless in her pursuit of him.
It makes me feel better to read that others have been where I am/was. Thanks for sharing.

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    Yahkemah August 8, 2017

    The Codependent is a woman that look for the Narcissists she can’t be happy with anyone but a Narcissists not that she is happy but she is a person who seek hurt and pain because she want it and believes that she deserves it the codependent of a Narcissists is a sado Masokist they have a need to be punished. She will sit back and accept everything a Narcissist does to her and wait for more the codependent and the Narcissists fit very well together and he will never leave her nor she him. They have this dance that they do together it is a dance of death he will even tell the co what he is doing outside the marriage and she will accept it all and never complain or get angry at her Narc it is a very sick dance between them but the Codependent is the perfect mate for the Narcissists he is happy punishing her and she is happy being punished by him.

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Anna June 5, 2015

My ex Narc wound with his 3rd wife being the woman who’d spent the previous 7 years (also a narc) inserting herself into our lives. Worse, she had started out as his boss! I had spent so long thinking that if we could just get her out of our lives, we’d have a chance. He’d compared her and I viciously, saying I should learn to me more like her, SHE was the perfect woman, and I was scum. When all this began, I was dirt poor and living in a border town (El Paso) Worse, there was even a song about meeting a love in the West Texas town of El Paso. Horrendously long story later, we divorced, not only did he marry her, but for quite some time, the two of them lived across the street, from my apartment complex. When we had lived in rent houses, I’d done all the work and paid 3/4 of the bills out of my salary, but couldn’t make it without his 1/4. I did all the yard work, plumbing repairs and any carpentry and wall painting. Now, that he was married to the screaming shrew, he was helping clean the house and even shampooing the carpet when company was expected. Well, how good could it have been when he was still trying to seduce me?!?! I know he felt I must hate her so much that I would want to get even….hahaha, Instead I said, “Isn’t it time you were faithful to someone, even if it’s ‘her.’?? I remembered many years before, he once told me that he’d never had a woman he couldn’t have again. Well, it was my mission to be that one woman he’d never have again! All this was before finally going no contact as a result of him shutting out his youngest son and berating him at only 12 yrs old. Well, the two of them are divorced now, and he is out there, a con artist looking for wife number 5!! There was even another wife after the shrew! His big game was separating women from their property and not paying even child support for long. But back in the day when my self esteem was totally lost and she was the focus of his idealized love before the divorce, I used to nightmarishly fantasize something straight out of the old movies. I’d be lying in the gutter with a tin cup in my hand dressed in rags, the two of them would come along, him in a tux and top hat, and she in a shimmering gown. He would toss a coin in my cup and mumble, “She looks vaguely familiar somehow, as he opened the door for her…..”

Flash fantasy yes, but there was a point where that is how ruined, worthless and broken I felt inside. I laugh about that now. The other woman was even a tougher narc than he was. For a time, she pulled the strings and that puppet did dance for her. But what love could there possibly have ever been with those two, really? It just doesn’t matter in the end. I, most importantly was finally free of him and got myself back!! YAY!

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tvjackiem June 4, 2015

Even if he loves the new woman more, it ain’t a healthy love, and if it is the fact is … He and I were never capable of anything other than a very toxic connection.

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Anonymous June 4, 2015

Valerie L
Thank you this is a good read. I have been no contact since Nov. but just recently I did a bad thing and unblocked him from facebook only to see him still with same girl being happy and posting a ton of pictures. I only hurt myself by doing this. I have to remember the way he treated me and should not care how he treats her. what is that saying curiosity killed the cat! The reason I looked was just hoping he would get his karma! Not because I want him. It is hard to see them move on so happy and you sit and think….what was wrong with me? I read your post daily thank you!

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Lynnae W. June 3, 2015

Thank you so much for this Kim. I needed to read this today. Having finally gone no contact for 56 days after dealing with him for 12 years he found a way to creep back in through the one venue I didn’t block him on. He did the whole apologizing tactic that he’s done numerous times before saying he’s sorry for what he put me through and he hopes one day we can be friends again all while I had to stare at a picture of him with the girl he cheated on me with in his profile pic looking “happy”. I needed to read this today to be reminded he will never change and that even telling him off would do no good other than to give him his fix of supply. And thank you to everyone who has commented. It’s so helpful to know of others who are going through the same thing.

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nadirajohnson June 2, 2015

I need some advice, my narc ex works with me an I’m tryna find out what can I do because it’s hard to avoid him an since he discarded me about 7 months ago I’ve realized what I’ve been dealing with so I’ve been tryna keep the no contact rule but now that we’ve done new bids at my job we run into each other an when we do he’ll act strange when I know he’s the KRAZY one . But my question is what can I do since now I have to see him at work since I can’t continue the no contact rule? I do my best to not even look his way but I see him an feel him staring an he do strange things no one else catch on to but I try not to pay him any attention I really wish he just leave the job ?

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    Kim Saeed June 2, 2015

    This happens quite frequently, Nadira. Many times, people are forced to ask for a transfer or look for a job elsewhere.

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      nadirajohnson June 2, 2015

      Yes but at this time transferring not an option or leaving my job but I thank you for all the insiteful information.

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Joyce M. Short June 2, 2015

Victims need validation. When they see the offender establishing a relationship with another person, it undermines their sense of validity. Part of why people want to reach out to the next person could, in part, be a desire to protect them, but it’s also to reinforce that their newly formed perception of the offender is a valid one.

We lose the faith in our own ability to protect ourselves when we encounter carnal abuse by deception. Our own brains were misused to get past our gates. And we need to regain self assurance about our ability to protect ourselves. Seeing another person appear happy with an offender who harmed us shakes our very wobbly convictions.

Unless a victim is familiar with the concept that sociopaths don’t change and are emotionally disturbed, it’s natural for them to heap shame and blame on themselves. Once they understand how sociopathy works, it’s much easier to recognize the issues and detach. Enlightenment is the key to detachment and, hopefully, people will take Kim’s post to heart!

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    jarwithaheavylid June 3, 2015

    Thank you for this Joyce. This is exactly my problem. I often find myself coming back to get stuck in this place again.

    See, even though I ended it, he made up that I did something so he could end it… when I was six months’ pregnant with his child (the child he kept harping me to have with him and that I was unsure about but happened anyway). Then he went back to his ‘wife’. And I feel everything you said in your first paragraph. She MUST be abused. She HAS to know better. How could a man who told me I was his true love for 17 months behave like this? (Don’t worry, I know now). But her few words to me have been as if we’re competing over this man, which he probably triangulated her into. I’m not competing – there is no happy ending with this man.

    I’ve tried to reach out to her to tell her – to protect her because she’s obviously very damaged and brainwashed after 17 years. He never had remorse while he lied to both of us – not for one second. But your words make me think about perhaps I’m just trying to validate my experience – and if she stays with him, my experience is invalid.

    Now I have a beautiful week old baby boy. These thoughts have returned – maybe something to do with validating this baby’s existence. It’s like we never existed.. Even though I’m the one who chose no contact. Even though my logical mind knows she has nothing. Can you help me get through this Joyce, so that coming back to this place doesn’t happen anymore? I can’t let them have control of my life experience but it plagues me and won’t go away. Thanks.

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      Joyce M. Short June 4, 2015

      Jar-

      Raising the child of a sociopath is a very difficult road. I suggest that you get Dr. Liane Leedom’s book, “Just Like His Father”, immediately. Your little guy needs an uncommon amount of steady nurture to establish his morality.

      Be careful NOT to think that eliminating that man from his life will do the trick. I had a son who was abandoned by his father while I was pregnant with him. He never developed empathy.

      I know most folks will tell you to simply walk away and make a life for yourself and your baby. Mine had kidnapped his two children by a prior marriage and I was very afraid he’d come after mine as well, so I let the sleeping dog lie.

      I suggest to you that you hire the best lawyer you can get your hands on and sue him for child support. Pretending he’s a non-entity who doesn’t exist in your son’s life may not be perceived by him the way you’d like it to be, even when he truly abandons his child. I tried to explain to my son that his father had emotional issues that kept him away and that he was a wonderful boy. The impacts of abandonment are immense.

      You will need emotional teflon to get through the drama…. an unwavering understanding that he’s a sick dude. But your child is at risk and you need to make decisions today that will impact him for the rest of his life.

      There is NO easy answer. There’s no right answer. All you can do is the best you can do with the knowledge and resources you have at the time.

      I wish you and your little guy a safe, treasured, and happy journey

      Joyce

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      uypoi December 25, 2015

      Dear Joyce, thanks you for raising the issue of no contact and abandonment, and its impacts. I agree that the effects of abandonment can be brutal and devastating. I have recently started reading up on abandonment being a form of ‘avoidant abuse’. About how it can be a passive aggressive abuse strategy employed by covert narcs to attack and commit violence. There needs to be more awareness about this subject. I would also be interested to know what are the effects of abandonment on the recipient (you mention a lack of empathy is one) Could you give more details about this? Thanks

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Leslie Miller June 2, 2015

MWAAAAAA Thank you.

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    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    You’re welcome 🙂 <3

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Malou Chihiro June 2, 2015

I’ve gone no contact a lot of times, he keeps coming back so I caved in many times, last week I totally lost it, I throw and broke his cigar box instead of throwing it in his face, I also broke his alarm clock cos at the back of my mind I didn’t want my ass to get sued if I broke his stupid computer, then I left with little satisfaction, after that , my friend informed me he saw the idiot embracing the woman I suspected he’s cheating with, I informed him but reacted indifferently, I’m the kind of codependent whose kicking his ass literally, I even slap him when we were drinking, I guessed after the last drama he wouldn’t be bothering me anymore, what do you think Kim? Narcissist doesn’t want to be intimidated right?I became his worst narcissistic supply, I can grin whenever I remember how many times I kicked his sorry ass, it’s very soothing somehow, thank-you for your good posts, it really helps me get on the right track, still trying though

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Jennifer June 2, 2015

This is so so spot on its scary. Each and everyone of them do this.. My ex narc found the love of his life, his NEXT soulmate The one he was grooming right at the end already. I was the last soulmate he was waiting all his life for! God forbid a Narcissistic be without any fawning or attention for too long! .. He found god, peace and is so very happy and its all because he is FREE from a nasty abusive controlling ex-wife.. (me!). I actually said Good luck to the new victim at the start and she was like “What, what do you mean?” All huffy and indignant like. I am now sitting watching all the triangulation, gaslighting, you name it occur. Thanking god he no longer has access to keep destroying me intimately on every level like that every again. I can start breathing again.. Your posts are so spot on and accurate.

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    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    Thank you for stopping by and for your encouraging words, Jennifer. Wishing you all the best <3

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betternotbroken June 2, 2015

I wish I had been discarded. I almost was so I know the pain and I know people reading this who are suffering that pain of the discard now think that I am insensitive, but after ten years of hell, I would sign up my ex for Tinder and say “I wish you all the best with whomever you find.” WHO CARES! As victims we must come to terms with the fact that somehow our own egos ran amok because of it, the narcissist loves no one. If he finds another person who calls what he does love, thank her for keeping him supplied and off your back, wish them all the best silently from your place of No Contact and pray they never come near you again. Great post as always.

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jarwithaheavylid June 1, 2015

I’d like to add that this works both ways. I was the new supply – and when he could not procure me because I wisened up to him, he went back to his old supply – his wife.

So, as his first supply, don’t flatter yourself to play into his triangulation games. The new woman might be less brainwashed than you; meanwhile you think it’s a competition and you’ve been tricked into trying to win him back – feeding him/her the sick attention he/she needs. That’s the really dangerous part – while your ego thinks the narcissist wants another woman more, you abandon yourself trying to be someone who he never cared for in the first place. HE NEVER CARED FOR YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE
AMD COMPARING YOURSELF TO HER IS NOT THE POINT.

Be strong – get a clear headspace. You’ve been manipulated and brainwashed for years. Allow that new woman to be a blessing in disguise – the wake up call you need to want better for yourself. She may think that she’s found her soul mate for a while, but like you, her life will be a horror story as long as he’s in her life.

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    tvjackiem June 4, 2015

    Yes, they discard the new supply who is wise to their ways sooner. Sometimes getting rid of them asap means being tossed fast, but its for the best.

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Jeanne Callahan June 1, 2015

I just had to write and say “Absolutely correct”. I’ve reached the place where these antics are laughable, but the first few women, I felt exactly as you described. Thank you for all you do for all of us.

Date: Mon, 1 Jun 2015 19:44:27 +0000 To: jeanne.callahan@live.com

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    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    You’re welcome, Jeanne…and thank YOU for stopping by 🙂

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Army of Angels June 1, 2015

Having been the rebound wife of a narcissist, (completely by fraudulent means), I know appearances were positive to the ex wives. I have had the privilege of sharing with the first wife. She spoke exactly what you wrote-that she saw the two of us having kids and seeming to live happily ever after, and thought there must have been something wrong with her. I am so glad that I have been able to help her “close the door” on the lies that the abuser tricks us into believing. I feel blessed to have found you and others who are paving the path for victims of this abuse.

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    Mighty Mite June 11, 2015

    Army Of Angels,
    I have experienced the same thing with the first wife, but with a different outcome. I was also the rebound wife of a narcissist. We were married for 21 years. Apparently, his first wife looked at our “happy” marriage and our children and big house and thought that we were blissfully happy and thought that there must have been something wrong with her. How wrong she was…I was miserable for almost the entire marriage…after the mask slipped and he started abusing me and the kids. I stayed only for my children. Last year I told my husband I wanted a divorce. Guess what, he’s now dating his first wife again!!! And she took him back!!!! She sends me nasty messages on facebook telling me what an awful person I am. She obviously feels that she has now “won” and that she’s better than me to have been able to get my husband back. Boy, is she in for a rude awakening when she not only finds out what a rotten person he is, but that she wasted so, so many years of her life believing she was wrong for leaving him in the first place and doubting herself. I’m so glad I’m not her!!

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      Army of Angels June 11, 2015

      Wow… Just the fact that she makes contact with you consisting of nasty messages says a lot about her character (or lack of). It sounds like she deserves him. My ex tried to start something with the first wife-asked for her number and when her husband would be out! She is wiser though…we share some of the more memorable “what was that????”moments we experienced.
      Know that you are strong, and you are blessed to have escaped a life of abuse!

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angelmpabros June 1, 2015

Yes, you are so right. My ex N has changed for her in order to secure his narcissistic supply of women and not because he loves her nor feel that they are soul mates (because he says that to all his victims). Pretty sad! Eventually, the mask of a narc will slip off and will move on to his next victim after securing his supply with the woman he is with now to have his options open. He will not feel guilty nor comprehend the damage of what he has caused.

Thanks Kim for raising awareness on narcissism!

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    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    and thank YOU for stopping by and sharing! 🙂

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    nadirajohnson January 28, 2016

    This is so spot on KIM SAEED AN ANGELMPABROS

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Daisy June 1, 2015

Spot on Kim! Women narcissists probably do this more than males because many women won’t leave their partner, until they have a new one lined up. This is why 2nd/3rd marriages seldom work out, because people are looking for someone to meet their (financial/sexual needs) instead of choosing someone from a place of wholeness and after a year or two of testing their compatability and defining their relationship goals/expectations.
When dealing with an Ex-Narc partner, the best thing to do is to send their new love interest (Victim) a sympathy card! Expressing your condolences for the loss of THEIR life, that they are about to experience! Whether you mail it, or just occasionally glance at it, you will quickly release any remorse or regrets about re-gaining your life back!!!

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Anonymous June 1, 2015

Mine is so callous that when caught doing things he shouldn’t be doing with other women, he doesn’t even make excuses. He just screams at me like a maniac, rages, calls me names, calls me insecure.

If he’s caught lying to me, he has said, “I’m good with it.” Meaning the lying – he’s “good with” him lying to me. Then I have endured, at least one time, DAYS of raging, calling me names, and calling me a liar, and making things up I that I supposedly felt, said, and did.

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    nadirajohnson January 28, 2016

    @anonymous this sounds too familiar the said part is I still work with my Narc an see him everyday Ive applied the no contact rule I don’t pay his ass any attention but prior to his discarding me almost 2 years ago I’ve noticed he’s been trying to do settle things to get my attention but no one around us see I keep away but I never forget when he use to start work at 2 an ill be on overtime an he would call me like clockwork every day but I use to Kringe when I knew he would call an I use to leave my ph n my work vehicle just in case he called which I knew he would but just so I didn’t have to answer so when I would return to my vehicle I would have miss calls ? so this day when I returned his call he went into narcissistic rage at this time I never knew what this was called because he did that raging so often to the point I didn’t like to talk to him but I was forced to ? he called me acussing me of talkin to other men an callin me bitches hoes etc his mouth was thee worst I’m so happy that I was discarded that how I learned about narc but I use to be confused often but so sad I have to work with him but no contact such an empowering stand ?

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Jordan June 1, 2015

Ex is also now married to replacement. We’ve had no contact for 8 months and it was HIM who blocked me from his Facebook early on which upset me at first, but now I’m thankful. I know he has another fake Facebook account and snoops at me. I hear fro mutual friends he posts photos of them looking happy and having lots of fun. There was a time I thought it WAS me, but after following you, Kim, I understand it’s HIM. Thank you for helping me through all this!

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    Kim Saeed July 17, 2015

    Thank you for sharing your experience, Jordan! Wishing you all the very best 🙂

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Carrie Reimer June 1, 2015

Love the analogy with the pizza, perfect! I agree it is not possible for anyone to immediately find the love of their life after leaving their “psycho bitch” but it is even more unbelievable that every single N finds his true love with the very next woman he dates. Every single one. What are the odds of that happening in the real world?
There are two common things that happen with out fail when ending the relationship with an N,
#1 – he goes out and immediately finds his soul mate, love of his life. and
#2 – the victim signs up for counseling and sits for hours searching the internet trying to figure out what the hell happened to her.

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    Kim Saeed June 3, 2015

    I agree, Carrie. In fact, in many cases the new woman is lined up even before the breakup. If you go down and look at the replies by Army of Angels and Jarwithaheavylid, you’ll get some wonderful insight into what things are really like with the new woman.

    It’s true, and very sad, that the Narc’s discarded partners are left to pick up their shattered lives. Hopefully we can make some headway in our lifetimes by continuing our awareness campaigns <3

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    Kristl Walek November 26, 2015

    absolutely on the mark, Carrie. he found the new soulmate on line 2 weeks after me. they were madly in love within 6 weeks. moved in together 2 months later, and he has now posted the ring on her finger on his FB page for the whole world to see (less than 5 months from beginning) with the announcement of the wedding in early june. aww true love triumphs again LOL

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    phantommirage February 1, 2016

    Let’s hope #3 is:

    The Narc is condemned to misery, penitentiary, and dumped by all his multiple sources, while victims-turned-victors walk towards the light & are embraced by Hope, Glory, and Empowerment.

    God, I hope that victor would be me.

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Joyce M. Short June 1, 2015

I could swear you wrote this for a woman I’ve been working with on her recovery! You are an angel!

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    Kim Saeed June 3, 2015

    Thank you, Joyce <3

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Angel June 1, 2015

Definitely needed to read that. I often think of his new “Victim” and hope and pray she sees the evil. But he’s got her believing he’s 6’4″ tall, and at best he’s 6′. If she can’t tell the difference between 6′ and 6’4″ then maybe she will never see the other things he’ll lie about. Sad….

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Karin June 1, 2015

I can think of a few “other women” that should have this post stapled to their foreheads…
I totally get it about my Narc but how intelligent, modern women can look at the Fiancée, Wife, Girlfriend and buy a Narc’s line – without ever even attempting to talk to their “competition” hahaha – is utterly beyond me and not forgivable.
It’s like high school all over again, with droopier pompoms!

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    Kim Saeed June 1, 2015

    Ha ha! I guess I shouldn’t be laughing over droopy pom-poms, but I do have a twisted sense of humor 😉

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      Karin June 1, 2015

      🙂 🙂 Me too! It keeps me sane. Great post Kim (in seriousness). I wish that people could see these pre-emptively.

      Reply
      Michael January 27, 2016

      I have to say, I’m impress with the intellect of all of you (mostly) ladies. You write your thoughts coherently and concisely and I’m not cringing from the grammar, spelling and punctuation.

      I woke up in the middle of the night – again – to do “group therapy.” Long story, but my experience with a gay narcissist will have to wait. I’m interested in getting assessments from Kim and you other ladies.

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    Pat January 18, 2016

    So true because I’m married to ine and feel like high school games are being played.

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Only Me June 1, 2015

Loved your post! My ex is still with the woman he replaced me with. They’re going on 5 years together. Yes, he did all the the triangulation tricks! He quit smoking cold turkey easily for her, he stopped all his cursing etc because she didn’t like it. He’s never been happier! All a load of BS! LOL. Thanks again! You always wonder, will SHE wil have it better than you did? I suspect not!

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    tvjackiem June 4, 2015

    Sometimes two Narcs end up together and she is better at it than him.

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      Only Me June 4, 2015

      That could be. In this case, I’m not sure. She’s a rather homely sort, built like a football linebacker (dowager?) divorced… (think Mrs. Doubtfire!). She’s been alone for several years. But…she’s a successful business woman with a healthy bottom line and income from her business, has a lovely home, and grounds. So she fell for the psychopath’s BS. I can’t fault her for that. I did it too which I’m not proud to admit! But I got out early when I was dumped for her. I see the D&D as a blessing now! I think she’s up the proverbial S**t Creek without a paddle now. He’s got his hooks deep in her. She has my pity.

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      chunkmomma June 24, 2015

      Again and ashamedly I was part of that triangulation. Ugh we would fight over him. Well he asked me to marry him and then we went to family function for weekend. We came back and he went back to other woman. I was crushed and felt like the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Until I found these articles! She took him back even after he left her with all the bills. He’d done the same to me. I learned that they avoid the females in their life from speaking to each other. I lost out cause she makes more money. And after reading more she’s a bigger N than him. She guilts him big time. Little does she know he still tries to hit me up for money. But I’ve also learned from these articles to keep the least amount of contact. We have a child together.

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Pam June 1, 2015

OMG. This is an unbelievable post. And now that the rose colored glasses are coming off, I am able to see my ex of 8 years is a total narcissist. This is my relationship to a T. For 8 years my bf always said he was divorced. He was an expert liar, cheat and thief if my heart. Up post is so similar even down to the 4 3/4k diamond he bought me. I over the years even saw that he was on line trolling. And just recently, I found out that not only was he still married he was staying with his WIFE 1-2 days a week and staying with me 3-4. PLEASE KEEP POSTING. Your blog is helping mt heal.

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    tvjackiem June 4, 2015

    The expert liar, none is better.

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    chunkmomma June 24, 2015

    Me too. I was part of that triangulation. Well the other woman won but thank God. Oh she makes more money and if he told her he walks on water shed believe it. It wasn’t till I found these articles did I start to heal. I realized I wasn’t crazy!

    Reply
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