The Time This Guy Thought I was a Hooker

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Jun 04

I sometimes dissociate  when I think of  the bizarre situations I put myself through by staying with my delusional, disordered Ex.

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know that one of the Red Flags for Spotting a Narcissist that I endorse is the one where they want you to change your hair or style of dress.

Why does Kim talk about that so much?” Well, it’s because I totally did both.  I changed my hair AND the way I dressed.  And it wasn’t for the better.

My once brunette hair – which had been professional, yet feminine – underwent several processes in order to transform into blonde.  It wasn’t an attractive development.  The first attempt turned my hair orange.  Not the sexy and alluring Christina Hendricks kind of orange.  It was more like a crazy-weird dreamsicle kind of orange.  Imagine how I felt going to my job as a bank manager trying to pretend I hadn’t made one of the worst hair faux pas of Corporate America.

Then came the wardrobe malfunction alteration.   My Ex, in his undercover attempt at discovering just how far I’d go as a codependent good supply, informed me shortly after we started dating that I had no fashion sense.  So, sadly I went from a generally business-casual sort of dress to a Hey, Check Out My Cleavage and Micro-Mini! kind of attire.

Fast-forward to that fateful day.  My Psycho Ward Patient Ex and I had just set out on a jaunt to some restaurant he wanted to try and we’d made it approximately fifteen yards out of the driveway when he hit me with a verbal whammy.

What it was I don’t recall.  It’s been permanently blocked from my memory.  All I know is that when he came to a stop sign, I exited his car and went storming down the side of the road.  In a really bad part of town.  The kind with run-down 7-11s and seedy adult video stores.

I’d not made it very far when some guy slowed down beside me, opened his passenger-side car door and gestured for me to hop in…coincidentally, right in front of XXX Adult Videos.  The kind of store that is so bad they probably have a secret door in the back for the really “good” stuff.

I pretended I didn’t see him and kept walking, trying to maintain the one molecule of dignity I hoped to still possess.

In hindsight, that’s what I did the entire time my Ex and I were together – seeking some unknown destination, anywhere away from him, but I always ended up back with him in the crackerbox duplex that he owned with his brother, despising myself for going back.  Hating my life and feeling utterly powerless to change anything.

It was all an illusion.  I had the power to walk away the whole time.  I kept myself in that prison.

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” ~ Alice Walker

I have a bumper sticker on my car with that quote.  It’s a daily reminder that I can choose most of what happens in my life – a memento of my triumph.

And that I’ll never disgrace myself for another person again.

Do you have any bizarre tales to share regarding your time as Narcissistic Supply? Please share in the box below! (We promise not to tell anyone)

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(23) comments

Erin August 22, 2016

I dyed my hair blonde too. 🙁 Glad I didn’t go through with the breast augmentation. Hindsight is 20/20, and happiness is the best revenge.

Reply
    Kim Saeed August 23, 2016

    Indeed, Erin! That’s for your input.

    Kim
    XoXo

    Reply
mullguy July 3, 2015

You made me think of a similar situation I had but in reverse. During the first of many break ups with my ex narcissistic girlfriend I met a woman in a bar I used to frequent. We had only been talking a short time when I casually asked if she had auburn hair. Her immediate response was no but that she could change it. I was immediately taken back and thought how bizarre that was. Keep in mind that I was just coming off a relationship with a woman who expected to be treated like a princess but was never completely happy no matter what I did for her. I dated this other woman for a while and learned that she had a whole string of relationships and cheated in every one of them. Of course she said that she would never cheat on me. That literally did make me laugh out loud. It appeared that she would instantly fall for someone, and probably almost anyone, but when she was disappointed she would go looking for the next one. I ended it with her and went back to unsuccessfully trying to make my narcissist happy for a few more years. The real lesson for men and women is to always be yourself and to behave naturally. If the other person can’t accept it then move on.

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    Kim Saeed July 3, 2015

    Indeed…former “red flags” should now be deal-breakers.

    Reply
Constance June 6, 2015

He keeps trophies from his exes, and tries to pass them off to the next one. He “gave” me a pair of knee high Doc Martin boots to wear with a dress that he bought me. Pulled them out of his attic, they were covered in dust. It weirded me out, but I wore them twice. I thought, why does he have these? They’re girls boots. After talking to the ex before me, after some recent happenings with his CURRENT supply (my ex friend), I found out those were HER boots, that he wouldn’t let her take with her when she left. He tried to give her a corset that was his ex wifes, and kept the two corsets that he bought for her. He only went as far as the boots for me, and I didn’t keep anything from him. His current is wearing the clothes that *I* left behind, but she knows full well that those were MY clothes. She has also dyed her hair the same color as mine, again recently, but I digress. He wanted to “dress me up” like his little doll, I guess. We’re living Barbies to him?

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    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    Constance, this is a perfect example proving that we are nothing more than objects to them. Your Ex sounds like he’s a special type of cray, for sure. I’m glad to know you’re out of that relationship. Best wishes for your healing <3

    Reply
Carrie Reimer June 5, 2015

My ex controlled what i wore in an effort to make me look like crap. i was always “business casual” myself, after 12 years working in a bank and 12 years office management (so I can relate Kim) The very first time was just a few months after we started dating, it was both our Christmas staff parties on the same night. it snowed that night and he said it was too dangerous to drive. i threw on some jeans and a sweatshirt. Then he said lets go to the corner store and play in the snow. he was doing donuts in the snow with my little car and out of the blue he says, ‘oh the roads aren’t that bad, lets drop by my party.’ i protested, no makeup, my hair in a ponytail but off we went and he was still dressed for the party.
The next time we were moving and all my clothes (I mean every single piece of clothing I had) was in a huge sports bag on the back of his flat deck truck. I asked him to bring in my clothes for me because it was too heavy to pack and i would be leaving early in the morning for school. I got up in the morning, no clothes, i asked if he brought them in and he didn’t know what I was talking about. I went to get them myself, they were gone. Someone “stole” my clothes, they left two mountain bikes worth $1000 each, even took them off the top, took my clothes and put the bikes back on the truck. I had nothing to wear!! He didn’t count on all my friends at school raiding their closets and their friends closets. I ended up with a wardrobe to die for and way sexier than anything I would have bought for myself. Did my self confidence a world of good.
A year later almost to the day my van was stolen and it had almost everything I owned in it because I was on my way to do laundry. i know he had the van stolen.
once I got my truck and was self employed he would call and ask to meet for supper. I would say I was grubby and needed to change and he would insist he was grubby too and starving, just come as I was. Invariably he would be all cleaned up and I would be all grubby. He kept a clean shirt and cologne in his car so he could change on the run. Like Super Man in a phone booth. You never know when you might be called to rescue a damsel in distress.
The really weird thing was he always wanted to wear my jeans. He would insist they were his, I never had any jeans because he would get them all greasy. He would buy his so big they were falling off of him and I was so much tinier than him (and continually lost more weight) One day he is walking through the house wearing a pair of my jeans. I said they were mine and he denied it, I just laughed to myself, his balls much have been killing him; they were so tight he could barely walk, I don’t know how he got the zipper done up. They looked ridiculous!! A little while later i see him wearing his own jeans and I asked if they were more comfortable. He replied that I must have shrunk his jeans when I washed them.
Gaaawd! so glad to be gone from that craziness.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 6, 2015

    Carrie, I’m glad you’re gone from that craziness, too! I did have to laugh at your remark, “He kept a clean shirt and cologne in his car so he could change on the run. Like Super Man in a phone booth. You never know when you might be called to rescue a damsel in distress.” LOL!

    My Ex did a complete 180 after we married and wanted me to go to work looking like I’d just crawled out of bed. I worked in the banking industry and so had to groom and dress myself professionally, and every day before going to work he called me a prostitute, even though I wore very conservative makeup and clothes per the company’s dress code.

    I’m glad your Ex’s tenders were squished when he put on your jeans. What a weirdo!

    Reply
Anonymous June 4, 2015

Mine didn’t like my NAME, it was too “country”, and also my voice, he wanted it to be sexier, not so whiny. And if I ever let my hair grow out of the pixie cut, we were THROUGH. And that “sh*t around my eyes” (crows feet) and he wasn’t used to being with someone like “ME”. He’d talk about it and then say “just saying, it’s not your FAULT about your voice, you can’t help it” but the damage was already done. I was so meek and so wanted to be just approved of, thank God my dignity finally got the better of me. It makes me really sad to think of myself back then. I feel sorry for me. oh well.

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mbjuliet June 4, 2015

This is my story! My hair! My clothes. I cannot believe it!!!!!! I changed everything. Sent from Yahoo Ma

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tvjackiem June 4, 2015

Oh God, I remember hearing this kind of comment. I told him to pay for the haircuts, etc if he wanted me to change. Lucky for me, we broke up over those arguments.

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    Candy or as he says its "candace" April 4, 2017

    I tried to impress my narc ex that i went to the extent of getting into bikini fitness shows…I invited him and he never showed up as i went on stage i looked for him i saw my friends and parenys even my brother came to video the show but noo boyfriend as i took 5th place in the contest me and my friends went back to celebrate he was no where to be found i called and called…layer that night i got a call to bond him out of jail he didnt make it because he was driving drunk from a club the morning before. ..these types of people suck

    Reply
Ellebelle2015 June 4, 2015

It started after about 20 years. I was 50 years old. Still good looking. We were on holiday and he was looking at my breasts and asked if I don’t want some ‘new ones’ for my birthday. I only looked at him. That was in a time I didn’t know what he really was. Some years later he wanted me to take a facelift. I didn’t do that either. Always saying that I should wear colorful clothes. I hate very colorful clothes. So I didn’t do that either. Wanted me to put on very stupid sexy clothes in bed and having very special sexual demands. Well I always kept my boundaries. And I am glad I did, because I already had to give in to much of myself.
Now after two years he is looking awful. And me, I am 62 years old and still looking good.
And another thing I didn’t do is having a child with him. I already had two. I am so glad I didn’t. So I have nothing to do with him anymore.

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Sunshine June 4, 2015

omg!.. Mine did the same thing to me. My hair wasn’t right, my clothes weren’t right, my makeup wasn’t right, and then when I’d change things up ..for him…it STILL wasn’t right! Thank god he didn’t want me looking like a hooker, because I’m sure I would have done the same thing you did, Kim. According to His Assholiness, my look wasn’t “classy” enough, so out with the old and in with the new! Then, after all that it was “who are you trying to impress?” What!!?? After 4 years of that BS (along with all the signature lying, cheating, gaslighting, blaming, slandering etc etc etc ETC) I packed all my belongings and found an apartment while he was gone on one of his week long ‘silent treatments’ (ie: f—k fest with a new supply he met on one of his many dating sites) and surprised him with that when he got home. I wanted to be gone by the time he got back, but the apartment wasn’t ready yet so I had to endure 8 days of .. you guessed it…crying, pleading and begging me not to move because he loves me sooooooo MUCH! gag .. After I got all moved and settled in I went shopping again… Out with the new and back IN with the old comfortable style that >I< like. That was a year ago, and I've been completely no contact now for 8 months. When I think back on all the insanity that came along with that relationship, I still can't believe I stayed and put up with it for as long as I did. Stepford Wife comes to mind when I try to describe myself during that time. Thank God I was never his wife so I was able to make a clean break and just walk away. I will never ever ever never ever let anyone treat me that way again… ever!!

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Anonymous June 4, 2015

love, love, love your humor

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Jennifer June 4, 2015

My ex did something similar, but in opposite fashion: he tried to get me to look dowdy. He constantly told me I was shallow for working out and trying to be fit. He would become furious if I spent any amount of time on grooming. He didn’t want me to spend any money on clothes. And because he pressured me to share his bad eating habits, I did gain weight. But now that I’m free of him, I’m looking, but more importantly feeling, better than ever!

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 4, 2015

    Hi Jennifer! My Ex took that approach after we married. He once called me a prostitute when I was eight months pregnant because he didn’t “approve” of how I’d groomed myself before going to work.

    Glad to know you’re out of that and feeling better! Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Reply
ednadavisrealtor@gmail.com June 4, 2015

Kim-I have been in counseling forv3-1/2 years. My counselor told me my ex was a narcissist but I did not understand until I started reading your articles. I am 63 and kid of hopeless at this stage. The divorce has drug on because he had a line of credit I was trying to trace and he and his attorney have put every block and stalling tactic they could. I feel very little hope, I am financially precarious and lost. I see no light. How do I regain my equilibrium and begin again? He took so much, my money, my pride and my confidence. Can you help? Edna

Sent from my iPhone

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Reply
    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Edna, for starters I would recommend reading “The Journey from Abandonment to Healing” by Susan Anderson. She’s great, and I model my coaching around her work.

    Reply
Malou Chihiro June 4, 2015

Oh Kim I can totally relate, same exact alterations on the way I dressed, but I didn’t give in to the hair dyeing, everything about me, he keeps on checking and even the way I walk,I was stupid and blind just to please his idiotic requests, oh geez they’re all the same!!!!creepy scary, thanks again for validating, more power to you

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    Kim Saeed June 4, 2015

    Thanks for sharing and for the encouragement, Malou 🙂

    Reply
Mary June 4, 2015

That is so awesome….be yourself! Anyone that tries to change you in a demeaning fashion like that needs to eat your dust! Mine tried to talk me into getting my eyelids tattooed with permanent eyeliner oh hell no! So all the things I wouldn’t do, which he took as “you won’t do what you’re told, will you” left him looking, and finding, someone who would. For awhile. Games over.

Reply
    Kim Saeed June 4, 2015

    Thanks for stopping by and for sharing, Mary! I’m with you…not changin’ for anyone ever again 😉

    Reply
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