Breaking Up with Facebook – for Anyone Who’s Tired of Losing Face

By Kim Saeed | Initiating No Contact

Jun 08

By the time people find Let Me Reach, they are often in the final stages of detaching from the Narcissist.  Some are being discarded, some have gone No Contact on their own, and yet others exist on the sidelines as the Other Woman or Other Man, waiting patiently for their disordered partner to have The Divine Epiphany where he or she comes sprinting back, pleading for forgiveness, and waxing lyrical about marriage and growing old together.

What’s more, it’s a time when the Narcissist’s former victims spend horrifying amounts of time on Facebook, cyber-stalking the Narcissist and their new supply.  Coincidentally, it’s also a platform that Narcissists use to further degrade their ex-partners and simultaneously begin early triangulation with the new mate (and yes, it’s all on purpose).

Stalking your Ex and their new partner on Facebook (or any social media platform) is directly correlated with a huge delay in your healing process (I’m talking possibly years) and worse, may incite your plummeting into a swirling eddy of despair, leading to depression and the need for serious pharmaceutical meds.  Sadly, this cyber-snooping has been the ruin of many a victim’s self-esteem as they begin to aggressively pursue the Narcissist in an attempt to make them “see the light”, which instead makes them appear less valuable than the Narcissist.

While Facebook snooping is something that almost all discarded partners do, it’s critical that you get a grip on this urge and do these five things instead:

  • Say FU to FBDeactivating your Facebook profile may be necessary while you make it through the first stages of grief after the breakup.  In addition to being tempted to “casually” find out what your Ex is up to, the pictures of your friends getting married, going off on vacations, and generally having a blast will make your life seem more miserable. If you find yourself being tempted to reactivate your profile, go ahead and delete it.  You can always create another profile later – after you’ve healed.
  • Visit a local pet store – because furry, feathered, and scaled critters help us heal. In fact, perhaps it’s the perfect time to add a member to your little tribe.
  • Have a good laugh – Instead of cyberstalking, go visit The Onion or Cracked. If the urge to snoop is too strong, see what comedies are playing at your local cinema.  Invite a friend.
  • Grab some culture – Instead of responding to maniacal strings of phone calls and texts from the disordered, you now have plenty of time to do other things that will help you grow as a person. Check out Meetup.com for local group activites, join a book club, see a play, and check out the events in your community.  Isn’t that more fun than having a nuclear meltdown in front of your computer screen?
  • Start a hobby – Redirect your nervous energy into something new and creative.  The nice thing about starting a hobby is that it’s totally on your schedule and can be as big or small as you want it to be. By choosing a new hobby, it’s all about you: Doing things your way – on your time.  Something you never experienced with the Narcissist.

You can create a whole different life by the simple act of breaking up with Facebook – and save your self-esteem (and reputation) in the process.  

Need ideas for things to do after breaking up with Facebook and saving face after No Contact?  Download your free ‘Positive Affirmations & Reflections’ PDF eBook below!

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(25) comments

[…] 2 – Self-discipline helps you get more done. By cutting out time wasters in your day, you can accomplish more every day and reach your healing sooner. Without the self-discipline to stick to a task, you can be easily distracted by less important details. Are you willing to remove these distractions, such as deactivating the social media profiles you use to spy on your Ex? […]

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Kelly November 9, 2015

Kim, your site and regular email posts have got me through one of the worst years of my life. It’s imperative to go no contact on social media as much as it is to go no contact on your ex partner/narc/abuser. There’s no other way to heal and you’ll only undo all your great work on healing if you start sneaking around on FB looking for your ex. if you truly want to move on, deactivate your accounts and remove the app from your smart phone. I went no contact immediately after breakup and only snooped on FB twice, then I realised I had far more important things to do like look after my kids, go to work and spend time reading Kim’s amazing posts and inspirational words that it soon became foreign to even think about logging on and checking up on him. It can be done.

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    Kim Saeed June 26, 2016

    Hi Kelly, thank you for your kind praise. I am so glad to know that my work has helped you get through to healing and an improved life. I love that you decided to spend your time on important things like being more present with your children. It really does make a difference when approached in that spirit <3

    Wishing you continued healing and success...

    Kim
    XoXo

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Amber June 13, 2015

I am glad I found this site and now this article. I am in therapy (for substance abuse) and we are now beginning the phase of my horrible relationship with my ex. I had him blocked for sone time and would make pages just to try and find things he would post. Almost everyday it was something new of him lying about me. I just blocked him again because I am afraid if I dont it will ruin the relationship I am in now. I hope this will get easier for me as time goes on.

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K. Q. Duane June 11, 2015

In other words, get a life! Excellent advice.

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nevereveragain June 11, 2015

Would be curious about statistics and the typical use of Facebook by a Narc. My ex-N has Facebook but has it on complete lockdown. Nobody can post to it. He never posted, never commented, never liked anything. Never presented me on it as his girlfriend. Must have just used for stalking purposes. I did catch him on it from time to time, so I know he was on it. Looking back, I think it was a way to control his facade. And of course, for any future supply that might be interested. So, not all N’s are on Facebook relishing the attention. Mine was quite covert, so that’s probably why he stays away from FB. He wouldn’t want anyone to be able to call him out on his game!

Love and light to all here. It’s quite the journey releasing from the miserable mindf**** that these lost souls have inflicted on us.

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    Kim Saeed June 11, 2015

    Nevereveragain, yes – what you described is also a ploy used by some narcissists, though not as commonly discussed because most narcs use FB for devaluing and triangulating.

    The situation you described is so they can check out other’s FB pages and use the info they glean to shame their partners, allows them to private message any potential targets, and often to collect many victims who will never know about one another…these types of narcs almost never use their page for anything more. So yes, it’s more of a covert tactic, as you stated.

    Glad to know you’re out of that situation. *hugs*

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      nevereveragain June 11, 2015

      Agreed, Kim. Additionally, I must thank you. This is my first time posting, but a long time follower of your website. I give the majority of the credit to you in finally getting the courage to release myself from him. Your posts helped me realize the truth in my relationship and that it was never going to change. The pain in leaving the relationship was and still is indescribable. But that pain doesn’t compare to the pain from him discarding me – and I can’t go through that anymore. Each time was worse than the one before. Everything we had was a complete farce (for him). My accountability (as they say, it takes two to tango. I know I play a responsibility in this – and I own it, unlike him) are the red flags that were there from the beginning which I ignored and created excuses for to justify staying in it. For now, I am healing and learning to love/be happy with ME – alone. I look forward to continued peace in my life and wonderful new beginnings.

      Also, I’ve read your story and the others here. I have the deepest respect and love for each of you. I know and understand what you are going through albeit each situation is different but the same. I know it’s cliche, but those that have not experienced it can’t imagine what these people are like and are capable of. Again, love and light to you all here. xoxo

      Reply
Olivia Rose June 10, 2015

I was given a “gift” by the Universe. After no contact for a long time, he called. I answered. I cursed myself for answering. But after such a long time of no contact, I was in a place of total detachment (for the first time) and I was able to “listen” to him with no filters or emotions going. And for the first time ever, I was able to really “hear” him…….and I realized this human being never really cared for me, never cared what happened to me. didn’t even care about his own blood family…….. and his act of being “Mr Nice Guy” and how much he cares about everyone was bullsh*t just to keep up his public image. After that, I lost all the thoughts about what I “wish” or what “coulda been” “shoulda been” and I realized that he wasn’t really a human being at all but just an empty shell of a man who didn’t even have the capacity to care about his own blood relations, let alone anyone else. For me, it was a gift from the Universe, but I pray that everyone else on this path can reach this place and see things for what they truly are. But I do have to say, seeing things for what they are still doesn’t help in the recovery when you’ve lost all your friends and your entire community and your professional reputation has been damaged because of “him”. I consider, every day, moving to a new town. Right now, I struggle to have enough work since losing so much and so many referrals because of him. All I can say is, may the Karma bus reach him really FAST. May you eat from the dish that you serve.

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    Lynn June 24, 2016

    Olivia, did the Karma bus, train or rocket come?
    I like the way you’ve written your story and I can relate. I’m in the middle of all of this and cannot wait to go no contact and start healing like you!
    Lynn

    Reply
Tasha June 10, 2015

You give very good advice! Saying FU to FB was the best….I did that many years ago but for slightly different reasons. Not because of an narcissist ex-lover but because FB seems to be filled with narcissists!

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    Kim Saeed June 13, 2015

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Tasha! 🙂

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Persia Karema June 9, 2015

Great post Kim. Thanks for sharing.

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    Kim Saeed June 9, 2015

    Thanks, Persia! Great to see you here 🙂

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Valerie June 9, 2015

It does no good to look! Closed the door and look ahead, this is why are eyes are in front.

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Jennifer June 9, 2015

All it took was one photo on Facebook of my ex and his new supply (who he had cheated on me with) to destroy two months of No Contact and send me back into hell with him for another wasted three months of my life. When I saw that picture, I was determined to take him away from her and he happily came back to me within days, spent a couple weeks doing a mean devaluing of her, before a final, cruel discard of her right before Valentine’s Day, which he spent with me. Within a couple months, he was cheating on me again, with her and others. It’s over now and I’m back to No Contact – but we have no connection on social media anymore.

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mbjuliet June 8, 2015

I had to deactivate my FB page to save myself. It became an addiction. I constantly searched through pictures of parties and events just to see if he would be in one. I also searched high and low for people, places, and things that might involve him. SO, I thought blocking his friends and family would help. It didn’t. I feel better now and not as crazy but it’s daily work. What i do instead of FB is read the articles from Kim. This site has helped me more than any other! I have been on so so many. I need a lot of prayer.

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Soph June 8, 2015

I never stalked him. He however stalked me. I blocked him on Facebook ( and e-mail) a long time ago and have blocked him on Linkedin as well (where he was snooping on me after 6 months of complete silence while simultaneously calling me nuts). He added people that he at the time claimed to despise and have no respect for. He attempted to make me feel jealous by claiming that “all the ladies love that profile” on Linkedin (really professional! pfff). Any suspect connection requests get denied and deleted. I’m not interested in seeing his childish games (he’s 46 years old and acts like 16 year old). A braggart and coward always trying to rub your nose in his supposed “success”, “superiority”, “happiness” who runs away from real intimacy, companionship, love and anything that has any depth or authenticity. What I find it despicable is the inevitable scam he must be pulling on apaths (both new and old, people we both new and worked with) convincing them I’m stupid, crazy, bitter, lying, bitchy, immature, a loser, selfish, unprofessional, etc. None of which are true but considering that none of these individuals have had the idea of talking to me directly and hearing my side of the story… I mean it says a lot about the type of people they are. I only hope the mistake I made in trusting him doesn’t ruin my future life, both personal and professional.

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Linda June 8, 2015

I refuse to let him change my life anymore. I blocked him and all of his friends, I also blocked his entire family. I don’t care what he does. I know blocking him just kills him and i will not relent nor check up on him. I count my blessings every single day that I got away from him and all that drama and heartache. I know that some people are not OVER it yet and I appreciate the idea that if they cant stop checking up on him maybe its time to get off any social media sites that they are on but for me,. blocking him was the best revenge! Whatever works go for it!

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    Olivia Rose June 10, 2015

    Yep, I hear you. I did the same. it’s been several years and I have still been attacked by his “friends”. It sucks when you have to worry about posting an ad for your business and being afraid his friends will find it and write “bad reviews”. He actually made an account for me (without my permission) on a website where if someone posted a bad review, you could not erase it. How freaking convenient for him. I so get it now, while it took me, literally several years and many books and blogs later, that when you expose them for who they truly are, they set out to destroy you. And I only exposed him because at the time, I was afraid he was going to beat the crap out of me or something……….. I was scared, and what do we do when we’re scared, we talk to our “friends”………who, thanks to him, no longer exist in my life. But I guess they weren’t real friends anyway.

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JR June 8, 2015

Very good advice Kim. Nothing good ever comes from checking up on these attention whores and their harems. Ugh

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Karin June 8, 2015

Again I say yes, yes, yes! I broke all ties with Narc and blocked him. It was sufficient for me – I was so ill at the time after 2 years of his manipulations… He did “all of the things” including having others (I hate Apaths) come and check up on my public spaces. In my case it was more him dancing around like a prima donna, trying for a reaction but by the time I even noticed, I was in a better position to just say no to FB 🙂
Great stuff as always Kim and hope you’re doing well. K~xx

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ednadavisrealtor@gmail.com June 8, 2015

Thank God you’re back!

Sent from my iPhone

>

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    Kim Saeed June 8, 2015

    Thank you, Edna! 🙂

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Deborah Parsons June 8, 2015

yes and no…once this article about him came out in the paper last year I finally had some proof that he is a liar and very dangerous. Being powerless after being completely eviscerated by a narcissist while he’s is strutting around like a peacock telling other people you are mentally ill is beyond horrifying!! I happily took the opportunity to send this article to his new victim her whole family and all his friends. It actually felt empowering after years of having no voice.
http://www.torontosun.com/2014/08/17/wife-fights-to-keep-sponsored-hubbys-family-out-of-canada

and ps…he doesn’t like it!!
….but then again I don’t like the collection calls i get everyday after he disappeared leaving me with mountains of debt and destroyed credit.

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